Ep. 39 – Petey Dat Boi

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Nope.

And we're starting the podcast without Adam.

He's in the other room.

We replaced Adam.

Shouts out to Petey, huh?

Have I met Adam before?

I think Pete.

He had the choir over there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And our show, Petey's here.

Yeah, I remember that.

You guys listening to the live show, Petey from the live show is joining us.

Petey, how do you say it?

Dabrow?

Diabru.

Diabru.

Halkeus.

I know.

We're both

of our names.

Dabboy.

Both Greek names.

Yeah, we're both Greek American men.

I don't know.

Well, actually,

it's Portuguese.

Okay.

And the D is like the of the.

Yes.

And the Breu is the town, I guess.

Okay.

So you're PDF.

So that was like the king who was just fucking everybody.

He was like, yo, you of.

Yeah, yeah.

My shitty.

You had dibs.

You had Primo Noctis, right?

Halkeus.

What was up with that?

That means a bronze worker.

It was that Prima Noctis shit that's like some bullshit from Britain.

It's fake, for sure.

Yeah, yeah.

Where a lord could just fuck your wife on your wedding night.

I love how it's your wedding night, too.

It doesn't even come a couple weeks after.

Braveheart's a lot of people.

Braveheart's like JFK, where it's a movie that's fucking great, but like completely inaccurate.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Historically.

That's fake stuff.

I love Braveheart, though.

Yeah, I like that.

What's the real story?

The real story is that.

William Wallace, he was a guy that lived in the 1980s, and he was the first Scottish guy to get AIDS.

And Mel Gibson saw that, and he was like, but what if he was a guy that fought the British?

Yeah.

Ate up all that.

Yeah, yeah.

So wearing dresses became kilts, and then instead of Carposi sarcoma lesions on his face, it was the blue paint.

Jesus Christ.

No, that was so smart for me.

Thanks, man.

Oh, fuck yeah, dude.

I get to be the smart guy on the show this way.

I love that shit.

Did you see Braveheart?

Yeah.

Do you like it?

Yeah, that shit was gangster.

I fucking love that movie.

Yeah, that shit was mad gangster.

Yeah, I wish he beat the British.

Well, the implication that he, like, fucked the queen of France.

Some Scottish retard from the woods.

Fuck the queen of France.

She cheated on the King of England.

He's got that good dick, dude.

You got that good Scotsman dick.

I like it because everyone in that was uncircumcised.

You know, they were circumcised.

Gibson made everybody have their foreskins sewn back on as an affront to the Jew Run Hollywood.

I appreciate it.

What if you never, like

you ever, like, of course you have.

You fucking squeeze your dick and make it look like it has foreskin on it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I have, I'm, I'm, I'm

by Nya, and I imagine a different life where I have my foreskin.

How different you could be.

So what's up with the foreskin?

Does it make you curthier?

I think it's a visual aid.

It makes your dick soft and three-quarters hard look bigger, you know?

Because I think your brain adds a head where there is no head.

So it looks like an extra long shaft.

I think it's cool because when it gets hard, it looks like your dick's taking his jacket off.

Exactly.

All right.

So I have a fucked up dick where...

You get pubes on the top, you get like a Canada goose dick.

My dick is so warm.

My dick costs $1,500.

You've got to buy this shit in Soho.

8,000 counts.

My dick is fucked up, though.

My dick only goes...

My head pops out half.

It's like it's wearing a turtle.

You can't see the full helmet.

Sometimes you can if I re if

she really gets you excited.

Yeah, it's interesting.

Maybe if I'm really getting after it, really going in there nicely, or if it's a very

turtleneck, but when you accidentally try to put your head through one of the sleeves.

Exactly, yeah, yeah.

You can only see the top.

I'm always crowning.

Which is an issue.

Actually, I can't believe I'm bringing up again double.

Yeah.

But I talked about Milner on the other part.

What if you pull the foreskin back and then get hard?

That works, and sometimes that happens, but then it's restrictive around the right before that.

Oh, so it fucks with the foreskin.

Exactly.

It's like a little bit of a

rubber band.

It's too tight.

Too tight foreskin.

I know, but I don't want to get scared of circumcision at 28 years old.

Just become trans, dude.

That's you're right.

I'm halfway there already.

You could probably use the extra skin and make a pussy out of it.

I wish I'd still have my foreskin so I get half of it removed and have like a two-faced stick.

And you just flip a coin.

Would you leave it like vertically or horizontally?

You have to go vertic.

Yeah,

down the middle.

Yeah, of course.

So you have the Too-Face dick.

Yeah, Too Face.

Do you want to c are you going to come?

And I just flip a coin.

Yeah.

And she never comes.

It's always head.

You want to know how I got these scars?

It's not the right character.

I don't remember what Too-Face says.

He's got a coin.

I'm Too-Face.

Yeah, it's me.

I think that's a good thing.

Johnny Too-Face.

They throw him in acid or some shit.

Yeah, they fucked his face up.

Yeah, he used to be a lawyer, and then he was a good man.

He was the DA, and then he had acid thrown on his face.

My only exposure is through the Batman Batman animated series.

I never read the comics.

You didn't see the Christopher Nolan joint?

I did, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, whatever.

It was fine.

But animated series was way overrated, personally.

It does not hurt up on Batman.

Hollywood will hit on something, and then they just carry it out to the bitter end.

Oh, yeah.

And they just don't learn that, like, nobody has any interest anymore.

Well, I think the problem is, you know how so many shitty comics do Louie that now when you watch a Louie special you're like this is kind of ruined for me because like these aren't open micros are open micros aren't production companies with million dollar budgets I know but what I'm saying is so many people swagger jacked the Nolan Batman that now you go back and see it and you're tired of gritty shit like that you're like oh everyone does this shit but it's not it's not their fault that everyone jocked their shit that it kind of like takes it down a peg, in my opinion.

I just thought it was a really strange message.

Like the Bane character was like the Occupy.

The Bane wasn't good.

The Bane one wasn't good.

Are you talking about the movie or the cartoon?

The movie?

The movie right now.

Dark Knight Rises was great.

Batman Begins is

Heath Ledger?

Yeah.

That was like the best.

Yeah.

Also, just

the first one was good.

Also, like, props to him.

He literally died.

Yeah.

He was so hopped up.

Did you see the way his lip twitched?

All that fucking stupid Jared Leto shit where he's like

trying to eat drugs.

Leto is trying to upstage Heath Ledger with his Joker.

And it's like, motherfucker, you better die.

Yeah.

you better fucking die from this.

That's the only way it was.

He has to die during production, Top and Mike.

There's no other back.

Yeah, no, no, no, it was always like, because a year and a half before the movie came out, they're like, oh, Heath Ledger like sucked Will Smith's dick in the middle of the night.

That's how crazy he is.

Oh, now Heath Leto.

Jared Lee.

Jared Leto.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, Jared Leto is making everyone listen to his shitty band to prove how crazy he is.

He sent them condoms and shit.

Yeah, he said condoms.

Fuck Jared Leto.

And plus, it doesn't even take 30 seconds to get to Mars, guys.

I'm sorry.

No, who's Jared Leto?

At first, when you said it, I'm a little high tonight.

I'm sorry, John Jay Leto.

Now I'm like, yo, who the fuck is fucking Jay Leto think?

Doesn't it take it takes light 30 minutes to get to Mars?

That's where the name comes from.

Oh,

that's pretty good.

I think he was talking about heroin.

What?

Jared Leto, 30 seconds to Mars?

The Mars?

Marsh.

Oh, Mars.

Now you're fucking Mars.

Now you're speaking Jupiterian.

Yeah.

Is Mars?

Mars is in slang for heroin.

I don't think so.

The weirdest one is

dinosaur.

Dinosaur.

Dinosaur.

That's like slang for heroin.

I've never heard that.

I don't know.

I've never heard that.

Junk.

Smack.

Junk is vegan.

You got the junk in your veins, Johnny.

Bone and scramble are the terms to determine quality.

What about horse?

That boy.

Horse?

What about horse?

Boy?

I didn't know about boy.

Got that boy?

Cocus girl.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh,

yeah, okay.

White girl.

Dog food?

Is that what the meme is?

I didn't know dog food.

Is that what the Dat Boy meme is about?

It's some guy trying to find heroin on a unicycle.

Frog addicted to heroin.

And then here come that boy.

Here come that boy.

You got to slice the.

That's how these stomachs.

He's the plug, isn't he?

Frogs, you got to slice their stomach open and get it out.

He sells the blue tops off of that unicycle.

My love the wire when Stringer Bells just go into

economics class.

Oh, yeah, yeah,

yeah.

And he just changes up the fucking he's trying to be a real businessman.

What's his name?

Fucking

Avon's like, no, fuck that, yo.

Yeah, yeah.

I was like, Moosh is gay, yo.

Yo, fuck, fuck being smart.

He's supposed to hit niggas over the head with rough and tumble niggas.

And he said they were rough and tumble.

I like that.

Him and Stanfield had the same problem.

I love that episode where Stanfield, like, he's dressed up all night.

I forget where he's coming from.

And then he just sees that corner.

And he just takes his knife out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Then he takes that knife out and and just goes and stabs those children.

He's like, Yeah, I still got it.

My name is my name.

Yeah, yeah, you got to prove that you got the Jew still, you know.

The Jew lawyer tries to make him go legit with the money, and then he's always trying to ruin something.

Yeah, sorry, a Jew trying to ruin a show

and remind you of anyone.

A big HBO drama,

a big HBO drama in the vein of like, you know, Sopranos or The Wire

or, you know,

Boardwalk Empire, but it's just

the Jew lawyer characters.

So it's a whole out that's just all the Jew lawyers.

Landsman, is that his name?

The Jew Lawyer?

No, that's the cop, Jay Landsman.

That's the big fat guy who looks like the dad from Dinosaurs.

Yeah, and then he has that.

He's like a real Baltimore guy that Jay Landsman is.

No, no, it's this interlocking.

We talked about this before.

There's a guy named Jay Landsman who plays the lieutenant at the Western with Bunny.

He's the guy who has that super Baltimore accent.

I don't know about this, Bunny.

It doesn't seem like to be a good plan.

Open-air drug market.

If you think it's a good idea, might as well do it.

Yeah, that was Landsman.

That's the real Lansman.

And the fat guy's just some fat guy who looks like a cop.

Also, I'm pretty sure Landsman was the basis for the character Munch, who's played by Belzer, and Belzer only plays Detective Munch on every show.

Yeah, that's true.

What a sweet acting gig.

Imagine, like, if

you were an actor and you got one role, and then you kept getting more roles, and like, okay, in this, you play a doctor.

You're like, no, I'm a detective.

Well, you're an actor.

You're supposed to play different roles.

You're like, no, I play a detective.

My name is John Munch.

And they're like, no, we have a script.

I play a guy named Munch.

I somehow flipped a mediocre stand-up career into playing a policeman over and over again.

How the fuck did that happen?

I think I would do that.

I would just be like, I gotta be a hood dude.

I couldn't be.

They should just replace Ice T with you.

Yeah.

No, but you know,

I can't do the cop series.

No, you're not.

You're more of like, I gotta be the doo.

Half the audience would be like, I think that's the same guy.

I don't know.

I gotta.

They would not skip a fucking beat.

Just practice your lisp, dude.

That's all you got to do.

So scowl.

You got to get yourself.

How could you fuck a little girl like that so violently?

I don't understand how you could fuck her in the mouth.

I love it, though.

Rappers, like, acting careers are always so funny to me.

Like, fucking Ice Cube is like a family comedy actor.

Yeah.

Like, the dude that made the song No Vaseline is like, yeah, now he's in movies where he has to get the kids to school on time.

Which is the pot of four different movies?

Are we there?

Yeah, yeah.

One, two, three, and four.

Was he in Daddy Daycare?

Probably.

I think he wrote Daddy Daycare.

Him and DJ Pooh wrote Daddy Daycare.

Uncle Luke's actually.

Yeah.

That would be so good.

I feel like the key to making money in Hollywood, like that type of shit, the more cornier, the more successful.

Like

if you could use that muscle in your brain that creates corny ideas and be like, I know what they want.

What should we do?

What should be the cometown corny ass?

Should we adopt a child together?

No, that would be hilarious.

Three of us.

And Petey could be

his ethnic uncle.

We send our son up to the Bronx for wisdom.

Yeah, we need a street perspective.

Street wisdom.

That's just not corny enough.

No, it's corny.

I want to do a show where it's like a white dude that feels bad about gentrifying, so he lies his way into a teaching position to help inner city youths, but he doesn't know shit about teaching.

So he's just destroying the education system with good intentions.

I like that.

Yeah, I thought that would be a fun show.

That's not bad.

Yeah.

It was called Dangerous Mind.

Fuck Off Cotter.

Yeah.

Suck him off Cotter.

But who's it for?

Yeah.

Who's it for?

I don't know.

Every comic fucking, they're like, well, I got this idea for a show.

It's four comics living in bedsty, and they're mad about j being judged for fires.

And it's like, no one in Illinois is going to watch it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's crazy because I've been in like three of those.

Oh, of course.

You're the black guy, so let's just run this body.

You must be one of the good people.

I'm an open micer that writes the same exact jokes as everyone else in the city.

And here's my idea for a TV show that somehow in my head I've convinced myself is original.

Yeah, dude, even the wire, though.

Think about that.

They had to get the rough and tumble dudes in a room and just talk and write down

all that shit and then embellish on it.

Well, I mean, yeah, I mean, Steven Simon was like a crime beat reporter, so he was the ball horse.

Yeah, so I mean, he was deeply entrenched in that world for 20 years or at least 50 years.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And a lot of the other guys, Pelicanos, was involved.

I remember some of them were actual cops.

I don't know.

It was a real good fucking

writing staff.

The Night of, at least the pilot, was so good because I forget the guy who produced it and wrote it, but it was like he was one of those wire guys.

And that's why it has such a feel of realism.

And it's got Bodhi.

Yeah, but the desperation of...

Which episode?

You know,

he's so many curious crimes.

Shut the fuck up.

No crosstalk bitches.

Sorry.

It's Adam's fault.

It's not yours.

Yeah, Adam should know better, but he doesn't.

Yo, you from Baltimore, eh?

No, I'm from Maryland, though.

Oh, man.

What's up with that lake trout, though?

You know about that shit?

Lake trout?

Because they talk about it.

I'm like, what the fuck?

It's just a shitty trout in the lake.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't know what it's about, but every shitty

carry-out sells it.

I've actually never had that cheese.

It's the chopped cheese of Baltimore.

What's chopped cheese?

Shitty of the chopped cheese.

That's the bread of the chopped cheese.

That shit is just a cheeseburger chopped up on a hero.

Oh, okay.

I hear people ordering it, and I never

Williamsburg chopped cheese place now that's like $11.

Did you have it at Whole Foods?

Do they?

And I saw something

at Whole Foods.

Yeah, they're doing some shit like that.

So it's just a cheeseburger.

It's hamburger helps.

It's a cheeseburger on a fucking hero.

Okay.

Chopped up, though.

That could be all right.

With cheese.

Our bodega is like halal.

So there's no meat or no pork.

Oh, what?

Yeah.

I thought it was a halal deli.

They got pork.

Well, for them, ours is just a shitty bodega because they don't have it.

They're fancy.

They don't have it.

Yeah, all you can get is turkey and chicken.

And it gets really fucking, you know what?

Sucks.

Bam.

Are they yeming?

Send it back.

Are they yeming back?

Yo.

Fucking list.

True story.

On the way here, I'm on the train, and like a Muslim-looking.

I sound racist.

I don't know.

An Indian fellow.

Yeah.

I don't know what that fellow is.

An Indian-looking fellow.

So I'm sitting down.

You can tell Indian guys, Indian guys from the rest of them, because Indian guys are usually smiling.

Well, yeah, okay.

Okay.

They're usually, they have a smile on their face.

You're right.

I never thought about that.

No matter what.

Dudes in the bonega never smile.

Yeah.

But no, so I'm sitting there, and the dude comes, he's like, hey, man, is it cool if I sit down next to you?

And in my mind, like, I'm coming from the Bronx.

I don't ask nobody no fucking questions.

Like, it's a fucking free seat.

So in my mind, I'm like, dude, it's a free country.

And then I thought about it.

I was like, oh,

no, it ain't.

It's like, you better fucking ask me if it's okay.

So I felt entitled.

Like, after the train pulled over, I was like, yeah.

Yeah, you better fucking ask.

Yeah.

That's, you know, it's important to be rude to people on public transit.

Dude, imagine that you're sitting there.

Hey, hey, buddy, can I sit down next to you?

Yeah.

No, now you made it weird.

Now I don't even think you're trying to rob me.

Yeah, what are you raising?

If you ask me any kind of fucking question,

I was on a packed one train one time, and there was some dude, like, packed, just fucking everybody next to each other.

And there's one dude, and all he can move is his head.

And he's like, I'm going to reach in my pocket right now.

I'm going to stab him in his motherfucking eye.

He's going to see.

I'm going to stab this fucking dude.

Won't touch me again.

I'm going to fucking kill this dude.

And no one's reacting to it because we're just like fucking packed in, and he's just sort of threatening the space,

dude.

That was great.

The same exact shit happened to me, but it was a woman.

I was on a four or a five, four or five going downtown, and a woman hit the emergency like stop, and it was rush hour.

Everyone was trying to get fucking home.

And she was just yelling at this African dude who, I guess, bumped her.

And she's like, I'm an American citizen.

And guess what?

We on Facebook Live right now.

I'm going to get your ass.

Go back to Africa.

Go back to Africa.

I'm an American citizen.

Trump won like two days before that shit.

You gotta turn up sometimes, man.

The Pepe's must have loved that shit.

She's trying to fucking get him on Facebook.

Oh, yeah, they love Pop Son.

They do?

That's her favorite account.

But the Pepe's love Pop Sun, who I had to stop following because he steals jokes.

Does he?

Who's Pop Son?

He's this guy on Twitter.

He's like this black.

Well, he's African, actually.

I think he's like Liberian or something, but like Liberian American.

So he grew up here, and I guess his parents.

And I might be fucking up the details or whatever.

Yeah.

But he's like a black race realist.

So the Nazis love him because

he fucking says racist shit about him.

He fucks with him already.

Yeah.

He's like him.

We need more of that.

Hold on.

He's fucking hilarious.

We need more of that.

He's really funny, but I saw him on numerous occasions to straight up lift jokes from other people.

Oh, that's not cool.

But I like his fucking...

approach.

Yeah,

not the thievery approach.

Well, the Nazis have a lot in common with the HOTAP guys.

And so, like, they, I feel like they get along with them.

Oh, they're all about historical revisionism.

Yeah, yeah.

But, like, you know, who's awesome?

Like, I don't understand how anyone could, like, dislike the black Israelites.

Oh, they're hilarious.

Yo, me and my dude was smoking a blunt on 124th the other day, and we saw, like, a bunch of them jump out of a suburban and, like, run across the street.

And, like, there was no content.

It was just hilarious.

He's dressed up like fucking Chinese.

Yeah, no, they look like they're in a fucking RPG.

They're in a quest party.

They're about to go kill a dragon.

Final Fantasy Black Interlights.

That's a downloadable Fantasy X.

Oh,

fuck.

Yeah.

No, they're hilarious.

I love watching when they're just like fucking pointing at people in the street and they're like, this fucking dude right here, he should be killed.

You know, and like the guy just doesn't know how to fucking handle it or whatever.

It's great.

Yeah.

You know why?

Because they have the hearts of trolls.

Yeah.

That's what ultimately you identify most as a troll, I think, in your heart of hearts.

Even more so than comedian.

You are a troll in your soul.

Yeah, I guess.

Yeah.

Because a lot of your comedy used to troll people.

Trolls are cool.

Yeah.

No, it's good to fuck with people.

I think that's true.

But the problem is.

If you want to live a carefree life, constantly make people upset and uncomfortable.

This is what we were talking about the other day.

The problem is, is that the early internet was all about punching down.

It was all about bullying people that are lesser than you.

And now that's like against the rules.

Now you have to just be like, you know, fuck that.

How funny would it be if that culture continued?

And like at Midnight was like a show where four comedians they're hooked up to like stick cam and they pick a 13-year-old girl and they all insult her until she kills herself.

And the last person to type anything into chat, Chris Hardwick's like, you know, you just won the internet.

And they all watches the girl fucking overdoses on Claudopin and fucking blacks out on on camera and they're like, Will you ding, ding, ding, ding, ding?

A brand new car.

Whatever you fucking win on at midnight.

I've never cyber.

You don't win anything.

I did a little.

You win a TV credit, bro.

Yeah.

Yeah, you get to be on Conference Central.

You're like, yo, check me out tonight.

Never come.

I never did any cyberbullying, but I did a little, I did, I had a little bit of middle school bullying where I did some IRL bullying.

I feel like, Adam, you never bullied.

Oh, no.

You got bullied.

We bullied my friend Tommy Tommy into now being a street magician mind freak.

PD, I feel like you had some years of bullying.

Nah, I was always funny.

I ran with the bullies.

You ran with the bullies.

The bullies were always like the bully's gesture.

You were the bully comic release.

Yeah, I was like, if the bully couldn't think of something clever to say about you, I would say it, and you couldn't do anything in response because they were.

It was like, yo, look at this fucking dude's afro right here.

And they're like, I punched him.

That's beautiful, dude.

That's a very important role.

I mean, I think that's why it became funny.

Was in middle school, there were just all these men walking around.

I hadn't even started puberty yet.

Like, I had zero pubs, so I had to become funny.

You had to suck them off.

You had to find a men to become a kid.

I didn't suck anyone off, okay?

I said, I was mid-docking kids.

I hope there was oxygen.

Just a middle school bitch.

He wasn't, it didn't even take prison.

It was just like light bullying.

I was holding.

I was hitting you gay.

I was holding their gay.

You got HIV in sixth grade.

I was holding their pocket as a bit, bit, guys.

Carry my bags.

It's like that trolls get trolled, or Tails Gets Trolled comic with Bugs Bunny and a quote where it's like, Yeah, I used to get trolled, but then I found a way to stop it.

You just do all sorts of stupid and gay shit, like dressing up like a girl and kissing them.

I don't like doing it, but it works.

Trolls are cool, man.

Yeah.

Were there trolls in the box?

Cool.

Yeah, I mean.

Or was it just

more naked?

Just, I feel like.

Trolls is like a.

It's like.

Like, Trump is

the dopest troll of the game.

He's like the god of the trolls because it's like every time.

Like, imagine if you could write a post and people marched every time you marched.

And you lived for that.

Like, you didn't know that it made you stronger.

Like, every time they marched, you were just like your superpowers.

I love when people look at him and they're like, wow, look how insecure he is.

He gets bent out of shape over SNL.

It's like, no, he wrote one tweet and SNL dedicated an entire episode to him.

There's a disparity in who's fucking angry here.

I heard some dude the other night at a show.

I don't angry, though.

He was like, I'm sure he is.

He's a SNL dude.

And he's just like, yeah, so Trump said this thing about me.

And I was like, dude, who the fuck are you?

Yeah.

No one gives a fuck.

But that's like, that's how good of a troll he is.

There's people that no one even knows.

Yeah, he's going to troll the world, dude.

Into fucking World War III.

He's kind of a game right now.

Nick, you'll die in a beautiful troll holocaust.

I know how to fucking fight.

I know how to make shit now, so I'm going to move into the woods, start a compound, build everything myself.

No, you're dead, dude.

No, you're dead.

Yeah, we got some problems.

You need 35,000 calories a day.

If you get dry, I want to die.

We have to lubricate your ball hole.

Yo, you have a little bit of a little bit of a broken.

I can survive on very little, actually.

I've been storing for this.

You can survive on your little calendar.

I have very gaunt cheeks.

There's There's just a lot of nuts.

I'm like a squirrel.

I'm just storing.

Yo, dude, have you ever seen Alaska The Last Frontier, bro?

I have not.

You?

It's just about these fucking people living off the grids.

Oh, fuck, wait, I have.

I have.

It's this weird thing.

They're like a family, right?

And they have like

downtown some shit.

It's weird, dude.

There's like these.

There's like a strange undercurrent.

It's just fucked up.

Yeah, they must fuck their sisters.

And they've made up their own fucking accent, so they all talk like real weird and shit.

Yeah, it's fucked up.

I'm pretty sure they fuck each other.

It's like the siblings.

The chicks will go out and like collect it.

What's weird about that?

Are you saying you fuck your sister?

No, I'm just saying it's not weird to fuck your sister.

I mean,

David Bowie taught us that too.

David Bowie said it was okay to be weird.

Yeah.

My friend let like

this is a pedophile.

Like, David Bowie taught me.

He said you to be weird.

My friend

accidentally

uncovered

I guess a weird part of himself, but he was like, yeah, you know, there was gay liberation, there's trans liberation.

I guess the next thing is going to be incest liberation.

Yeah, probably.

I don't think

that, yeah.

You know,

there's no real argument for why incest, if it's two consenting adults, there's no argument against why you shouldn't be allowed to have an incestual relationship.

If a brother and sister.

If you have fucked up kids, doesn't if your brother and I mean, it doesn't matter.

I guess

we have genetic typing.

You can think

any couple and say you have a 90% probability you're going to have a kid with Down syndrome.

Should it be illegal for those people to fuck?

Yes.

All right.

We have more in common than we thought.

It's just rapery.

I don't think that would be exceptional.

Yeah, well, I mean, rape.

Yeah.

I just think rape should only be legal in cases of rape or incest.

That was my brother.

That was just Thanksgiving.

Yeah.

How is a trade-off?

Here's a trade-off.

We still have federal funding for Planned Parenthood, but rape is legal within the walls of Planned Parenthood.

What?

That's the trade-off.

Why is that?

So you got to pay involuntary nuts.

Yeah,

because, look, if you go into Planned Parenthood to get an abortion, right?

And it's going to piss off conservatives because they only approve abortion cases of rape.

If you're guaranteed to get raped at the Planned Parenthood, then it'll always qualify.

You see?

Made some checks out.

Hold on, you said the police.

I can see the life policy.

Public policy.

I can see the life policy.

You are a wonk.

The conservatives think that.

Does that mean I'm high on cough medicine right now?

That's what a wonky.

The conservatives think that it's cool to have an abortion if you're raped?

Yes.

Generally, that's not the best.

Not even though it's a little bit more.

Some of them.

It's across the board.

Some of them don't.

Some of them don't, sure.

But

that's the exceptions people make in cases of rape or.

You couldn't, you can't have abortions.

Yeah.

I know they've made it

very, very strict.

Amber can hop in on this.

You know that Amber's here.

She knows.

What do you want to know?

At the local level, they've made it a lot more difficult to get abortions in the last couple of years.

But specifically.

Yeah, I mean, they have it outright.

Indiana specifically, right?

Yeah, I'm from Indiana.

They haven't outright made it illegal, but they've done a lot of things trying to defund the only resources for it so it's like de facto illegal.

It's like, like saying, well, look, you know, no one's saying you can't go, you know, get

whatever, chemotherapy.

It's just that we've taken all of the chemotherapy drugs and moved them out of state.

They also do shit like a mandatory transvaginal ultrasound, which I don't know if that means that you are required to pay for it and then it makes it like harder to get an abortion because it's an initial cost.

It's just about making it more uncomfortable.

Would they put like a big rod in your pussy?

Is that what a transvaginal urban?

Yeah, well they hook a transvaginal ultra sauce and they hook your pussy up to a Tesla.

It's not normal.

I think it's pretty big.

Okay, I think the one thing the conservatives...

The one thing the conservatives,

I do think I have like, I think the one conservative opinion I have related to this shit is that

if you have a wet dream, you should have a Christian burial for those other kids.

I think you should have a priest there.

I mean, I think that is a life thing.

You're watching real time with Bill Moore.

I've never seen the show, so the sound effects are.

But you're Jewish, so you would have to, what?

You have to have like 24 hours to get it in the ground.

Like, you'd have to move quick.

Yeah, you have to move quick.

Yeah, I have to have a break.

It has to be in a Jewish cemetery.

You can't have any tattoos.

No, but

didn't Mike Pence said he wanted to, every time he had an abortion, you have to have a funeral for it?

Yeah, and well, Rick Santorum actually did it.

They brought the dead baby, baby, the fetus home.

To play with the kids.

Yeah,

stillbirth.

They somehow got clothes for it, didn't they?

They put like Kendall clothes on the fetus.

Yeah, yeah.

He had a catch with WP.

He played catch with it.

That's good.

In his book, where he said that Barbara Bush brought home

a crock pot of

miscarriage or something.

And they ate it by accident?

Whoops.

What?

Just so the pieces dropping off a spoon.

Like doctors.

People are freaking out and they're like, oh, this is so fucked up that they're so obsessed with it.

And I'm like, this never happened.

And then barbarous.

Or Crockpot is like a slow cooker.

She is a cutthroat.

She does not love her son at all.

Was like,

yeah, I don't remember it that way at all.

Yeah.

Like, she just completely threw him under the bus.

She did not give a shit at all.

Yeah.

You guys ever have a girl have an abortion for you?

No.

Yeah.

I have.

How many?

What, like, on purpose?

I've had, like, I've had, like, I don't even know how many.

Like, the last one was like a few years ago.

That shit was like three or four.

That's like a Bronx thing, right?

Yeah.

He's from a Bronx tale thing.

I didn't see that movie, but.

Yo, the chick was like, yo.

I'm like, yo, I'm thinking Planned Parenthood.

Like, I don't got to pay for this shit.

You think it's free?

She's like, yo, it was like $700.

I was like, is this $700?

Dude, that's two places.

Two places.

How much?

It was $400 when I did it.

But we went to Southeast DC

and it was the cash-only place we went to.

Oh, yeah, Jesus.

This should be a place to taste your paycheck.

It was so funny.

Takes your paycheck from Wetzel Spretzels.

People who bounce checks at Plants.

Oh, my God.

There's a dude sitting next to me with teardrops, two teardrops tattooed on his face, and he was on the phone crying to his mom.

Are you sure it wasn't a tattoo?

That's what I, that, that was, that was like, that was the first thought I had.

It was like, oh, were those for babies?

But he's crying to his mom, and he's like, mama,

this bitch said it was $2.50.

Now she's saying it's $375.

And then his boy sitting next to him, he's like, hey, tell that bitch to bring you a receipt, though.

Well, if you take a survey on the bottom, you get a free abortion the next time.

I think so.

Yeah, there's some sort of group punch.

Punchy or something.

No, I never.

I've been to Plan B for I've been to Plan Parenthood for a lot of Plan B's.

Oh, yeah.

Abortions.

That's why I haven't.

Dude,

I went to Planned Parenthood to get tested one time.

I think I'm shooting blanks because I've never had to fucking, and I'm not careful at all.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

A couple raw dogs, a bunch of raw dogs,

raw dogs, man.

Look at that shit in.

Mom, can I borrow $375?

I did too many Tim Allen noises and I don't have the money to fix it.

But no, I went to one time and they had a guest book, like a little composition notebook.

You sign it?

No, no, I just flipped through it and read all the entries.

Holy shit, dude.

One of the funniest things I've ever done in my entire life.

They're like, everyone was nice.

Thank you so much.

I was upset when I found out that I had syphilis, but other than that,

it wasn't exciting.

Oh, just for testing.

I thought you were talking about the abortion guest book.

I was about to be like.

Well, they don't let the guy into the abortion room.

Just a little tiny, like, hand print on each page.

The whole waiting room.

Dude, what are you pretending you're grossed out by abortion jokes?

You started this show talking about how your dick doesn't fit through its dick skin.

That's different, dude.

No.

That's not.

You should have been aborted.

That's my dick.

My dick is happy.

In a perfect world, you would be barred from reproduction because of your fucked up genitals.

No, dude, because they're beautiful in their own right.

You know?

No, I don't agree with that.

Yes, they are.

No, I don't.

My dick has character.

Yeah.

My dick has character and it's kind of cute.

I'm just laughing so hard.

Last week, when you said that girls tell you you have cool balls,

that's how awful your dick is.

You can't even lie about it.

You have to fucking find something else.

No, I just have nice big balls.

Your balls are pretty neat.

Yeah, chill balls, bro.

Yeah, I know.

This is the truth.

That's my existence.

But I choose to believe I just have extraordinary balls.

I mean, you know.

They're heavy.

They're heavy hangers.

You know?

Yeah.

They taste good.

How far.

Does your dick go down to the bottom of the balls or like in the middle?

Can you throw them over your shoulder like a condo?

Yeah, I absolutely can.

I can throw them.

I could do them pretty high, honestly.

They're heavy hangers, like I said.

I'll show you guys some pretty funny pictures of my balls.

My ball's on some stairs.

Like, I was doing an American apparel thing, and uh,

I was sitting on stairs, and but one ball just like kind of fell down, and it's hanging low, dude.

It's pretty good.

That's bonus content.

We'll give that to the family.

One time, before my great-grandma died, we're in my grandparents' house, and she's sitting

at the far end of the living room, and she's telling some story, some awful story about, like, uh,

I think I mentioned this on the podcast before, but she's talking about, like, well, I remember being a little girl, and my grandmother, my grandmother had a house on Georgia Avenue, and at the end of the block there was this Chinaman

and he would sell apples and me and my cousin

Eustace would run up and pull his tail and laugh and steal the apples.

What's the name of that?

Eustace?

I don't know.

Yeah, I was coming up with old people names.

Yeah.

We would run up and pull his tail and steal his apples and laugh and laugh.

My whole family's laughing at this hate crime story.

My grandmother would pull his tail, his cue, I'm assuming.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, and steal his apples.

Like that Jet Lee Moody hero.

Right, this

Chinese immigrant just trying to fucking sell some apples, and his children are asking him.

Meanwhile, everyone's looking on, they're all like, you know, enjoying this story.

And I look over my grandfather, and he's at the edge of his fucking seat, and he's got, you know, these weird grandpa Kirkland brand shorts on, and one of his balls is just completely hanging out of his shorts.

And he's enthralled by this story.

I was like, what the fuck is going on?

You feel the draft.

What world is this?

level?

That shit is so awesome.

That Johnny Knoxville bit from the jackass movie where he plays the old man.

The old woman.

Yeah, yeah.

That shit is so funny.

The old woman with the elevator.

Yeah, that spiked

the door.

Her kid is just like.

Well, I also love the one where he's just kissing a young woman.

He's like, it's my granddaughter.

That bit is just pedophilia, incest pedophilia.

Yeah, dude, it's so fucking funny.

I know, I love it.

Nothing is fucking funnier than Jackass.

Jackass is the funniest movie.

What's the one where he takes the shit in the fucking display toilet?

Oh,

that's in the first movie.

R.I.P.

Ryan Dunn.

Hilarious, but that guy has to clean that shit up.

Yeah, it's so mean.

That's when Punching Down was cool.

Yeah.

I missed the day.

Dude, I'm going to fucking watch the, I'm going to watch the Jackass movies after we wrap this one, boys.

Should we

do that?

We should end the podcast early.

This should be a 20-minute episode.

We should watch Jackass instead.

Petey, you down?

I mean, yo, my knees is hurting.

Yeah.

I got podcast me.

I got podcast me.

Should we do

jackass videos with your friends?

No.

Yo, we used to do the shopping cart thing.

Yeah, everyone did the shopping cart thing.

They're like, oh,

my name's Eric, and this is Jackass.

Shut up, Dave.

Shut up, David.

Okay, I'm going to do it.

And then, like, you know, it would be pushing your friend gently against a tree.

And they're like,

you're so gay.

And that would be the the end of 12-year-old jackass.

We did a jackass vid where we thought it was a jackass vid where it was like, We're going to make our friend Ryan smoke weed for the first time, and we just picked grass off of my friend's neighbor's front yard, and then we just rolled it up in a joint, and then he smoked it.

We're like, Are you hot?

He's like, I think so, I think so.

We're like, Yeah, you're a bitch.

I remember watching some local news thing, some like Fox 5 thing about some kid that was trying.

Your children may be doing jackass at home, and make sure you don't have to do it.

Oh, that was huge.

Yeah.

And then they showed the video of this kid and they set a thing on fire, and then he put it out with his chest.

You know, like he said, like a Molotov, you know, they made like a Molotov cocktail, and he goes to put it out with his chest, and it just sets his chest on fire.

And so he's running around the backyard, and his friends are like, yo, dude, look at Maddie, he's on fire.

Look at him, and he's like, ah, screaming.

And then eventually he jumps in like the pool or something.

Eventually, he puts it out or whatever.

And then they cut to him getting all these skin grafts on his chest and being lowered into this

saline solution to make the skin grafts take.

And that's when he's like, I'm adding.

And then what's so great about that is

you watch the video, and the response is like, yeah, that's not very funny, dude.

You didn't do a good jackass.

I'm sorry.

If you would hurt yourself doing a funny jackass, maybe I'd feel bad for you.

In retrospect, what we didn't get as kids was that they were on so many fucking pills and so many drugs for sure entire time.

For sure.

It must have been

that's why I love the sorry to cut you off, but the story of River Phoenix dying

is because outside the club?

Because he tried to hang out with the Red Hot Chili Peppers, and he's just some bullshit actor that wanted to be a rock star, fucked up, hung out with the Red Hot Chili Peppers for one night, and died

up with it.

Cause of death being a lightweight, that's what's on his death.

No, I mean, that's what happened.

That's on his death certificate.

You wanted to hang out with the Red Hot Chili Peppers, and they're like, you sure?

Yeah.

I don't know.

I mean, you just pretend to be us in the movies.

I don't know if you can do it for real.

And then, yeah, lights out for him.

Did he die with a tube sock on his dick, naked?

Did he?

Wasn't that the Red Hot Chili Pappers?

Underwear, right?

They would just wear underwear.

Was he doing heroin?

I think

they were doing.

They would mainline Coke.

They would fucking shoot up Coke.

Jesus.

And then

do heroin right after.

It was like speed balls, but they were shooting up the speed balls balls individually.

God damn.

That's why they were so great.

I feel like there's not enough artists that do like hard.

That's closer.

You know, that's the real talent when it comes to music.

Yeah.

He's doing his narcissist.

Yeah.

He's the fucking rock music.

The best music is.

It's the ability to do that level of fucking narcotics.

Yeah,

the best music.

Fucking.

Are there any rappers that are doing heroin?

I don't know.

I think you got to be up for that.

Huh?

I feel like you got to be up to rap.

Yeah.

But I figured it would be cool.

Well, actually, I guess the codeine is kind of like a rule.

Codeine, yeah,

yeah.

I would respect a rapper that mixed PCP and mushrooms all the time.

That's like the mindset of somebody who I would like to hang out with.

That's like some ICP shit.

Let them plug in everything.

That is Juggalo shit.

Just juggle shit.

Let's just go.

Mushrooms.

PCP.

Let's just get wet, guys.

That'll be our next thing.

You get wet before?

I never got wet, man.

No.

I was always scared of hardcore shit because my dad smoked crack and did every heroin and all that shit.

Oh, so you were out on, yeah, and even like Coke.

I've never even

ecstasy, but Coke, I was because when I was growing up, remember they used to be like crack cocaine, right?

So they were like related, so I was like, I was like, how do you use

crack?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, cocaine is for rich people.

No, I know, but it was like cracks, and cocaine was his last name, so I'm like, I'm gonna fuck up with that shit.

Well, cracks is cocaine's shitty son,

can't get his shit together, yeah.

Cocaine is a wall story.

So it's almost like saying Bond, James Bond.

But he said the last name first.

Cocaine.

Crack cocaine.

Crack cocaine.

Yeah, I've never heard of it.

PCP was big in DC.

That's what Tony Woods said.

He said everyone was doing.

He said that that's why Martin Lawrence went crazy.

Because of PCP.

Apparently.

Once you get famous, they don't let you do PCP anymore.

But I feel like whenever new drugs come out or when they're hot, like anything, it's just, it's, you got, like, I remember listening to my uncle talking about like when they would smoke crack like at parties.

Like, yeah, right, right.

Like, it's a joint.

Because it was something new.

So it was like, yeah, yeah.

So you don't want new random stuff.

Well, think about all the shit that was new at one point that now, in retrospect, you're totally embarrassed you like.

Like the Venga boys.

Like, that's like crack cocaine.

You know?

Like, you didn't think that Who Let the Dogs Out wasn't going to be a cool song.

You had all the Baja Men posters.

Who Let the Dogs Out is a good song.

I don't give a fuck what anyone says.

Yeah, there's that.

I mean, fucking Wu-Tang raps about fucking

smoking cess.

The Combination Made My Eyes Bleed.

And what's Cess?

It's just...

What is it?

Is it PCP or?

Hold on, what was the lyric again?

Cess and Weed, The Combination Made My Eyes, Smoking Cess and Weed, The Combination Made My Eyes Bleed.

I think it's like, it's someone cess just meant weed.

No, no.

I did too.

No, no.

Yeah, me too.

But it makes sense because he said

makes my eyes bleed.

Yeah.

He said cess and weed.

So, yeah.

It's some kind of weird drug that it's like everyone was just doing which you didn't know anyway.

I remember dude.

I mean, I remember one thing because my cousin did that shit.

He told me about it.

He's smoking wet.

He said he started punching people on the train for no reason.

PCP?

Yeah.

Just punching people in the face for no reason.

And he was like, I'm never going to do drugs again.

He had a reason.

He had a reason.

He was on PCP.

That's a totally valid reason.

Look, if you can punch people because you think they're a Nazi, you should be able to punch people because you're on PCP.

Everyone on the train is a fucking Nazi.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I know PCP is bad.

That's all about perception.

Why not?

Being able to lift a Ford F-150 truck must be I can already do that, dude.

No, you can't.

First of all, you're not allowed to buy an F-150 unless you can lift it.

Unless you can curl it.

They measure your dick.

They measure your dick, and it has to be huge.

And you have to have a rule.

It's a ruler that says.

Dennis Leary is the voice of Ford Trust, right?

They have a penis ruler at the Ford dealership.

I know, I work there.

And the inches are labeled Hyundai, Kia, Toyota, Mitsubishi,

Deewu.

Daewoo's too high up.

Datsun is the first one.

Well, that's Nissan.

Oh, is it?

Yeah, that's badass.

You go get back in the Datsun days.

My dad had a Datsun.

Yeah.

Then when I was like 16, he was like, yo, I don't know know if you're my son.

Wait, Datsun was Nissan, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Datsun, it was like a weird star or some shit like that.

Like, yeah.

It was like a

your crack-smoking dad had a Datsun.

He could hold down a Datsun.

But that shit was like probably when Nissan Maximus was out.

Right, right.

So Datsun was like, why do you have that piece of shit?

What the fuck is this piece of shit?

I got a new car.

You got a new piece of shit?

Fuck this car.

Take the train, bro yeah

uh you ever robbed someone no have you no oh yeah let's yeah i did one time

yeah we you you talked about i was just i was involved i was there i was like a happenstance happening accessory bro yeah pretty much i just i was trying to get a ride home accessoride yeah how'd you get started robbing pete huh you just wanted to rob nah i got robbed when i was a kid i got robbed one time and like by my closest like one of my closest dudes stole a fucking gift that's what's happened to me dude i i mean we do this show and these guys fucking take a cut so

yeah yeah you get right and then you got to rob other people right because then you lose that sense of remorse where you're like dude i gotta get somebody else yeah i'm gonna steal this tv while nick's sleeping one of these days this shit is big as fuck like i say i don't steal no more but i appraise

how much you think this tv costs it shit costs like at least a month's rent for me yeah it costs more than a month's rent for me okay yeah i mean

i was thinking about that on the way here i was like the only reason you would live this far is if you pay like $2 a month.

Something like that.

Yeah.

It was like a real great deal.

I've never paid more than $600 a month in New York.

Yeah, it's beautiful.

Yeah.

Is it because you go to like the places that's not overpopulated with fucking no?

The first two places I live were Chinatown.

And my rent, my first, my first place was $350 a month.

No one wants to live in Chinatown.

Yeah, nobody does.

You smell fish all day.

Right.

It's fish and garbage.

Yeah.

You just, what you do is you just pretend you're in the Blade Runner.

Where'd you move there from?

Well,

last, I was in Maryland.

Yeah.

So that was cool.

Like, you moved to fucking Chinatown?

The shittiest place I lived was in Los Angeles.

I lived in a garage.

Yeah, I mean, that Largebron, you were in Larsbront, right?

At water.

At water.

Yeah,

that's a nice neighborhood, though.

In a garage?

Yeah, but I lived in a garage that fucking there was sewage that would back up after.

Oh.

Soaked all of my clothes and pieces.

It is a nice neighborhood, though.

What, Atwater?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Atwater Village.

Whose garage garage was it?

Some

lady, you know, it's so funny.

The first place I went to, like, when I was staying on Reinstad's couch, and so I started doing the Craigslist thing, like, trying to find a place.

And every place I looked was a fucking nightmare.

And I went to one place in Atwater the first time, and,

you know, it's like a decently priced place.

And I go in, and it's like two, like, you know, like housekeeping, like those kind of ladies, like middle-aged, you know, sort of troll-ish-looking for me, you know,

immigrants.

Yeah, but, you know, like the ones that look like they're

indentured servants for Motel 6.

And then this older Mexican guy showed me the place and he showed me the room.

He's like, I think it was listed for $500 or whatever, but he's real out of it.

And the room looked like shit.

And I would have to be living with these two old women.

And it was dark in there and it smelled bad.

And he shows me the bathroom.

And the bathtub is just backed up with fucking stagnant water.

And I was like, what the fuck is this?

He's like, yeah, it's okay.

It's just like sex slave quarters.

Yeah, I'm like, I don't know if this is okay or not.

But, you know, I was like, I just wanted a room.

Maybe it'd be temporary.

I had to get off my friend's couch.

So he shows me the room, and I'm like, yeah, so I'm like, it's like 400, you know, everything included.

You know, and I figured I'd just try and shake him down or whatever.

And he was like, yeah, that's fine.

It's whatever.

You know, you just come bring me the money, you know?

So I'm like, I don't know.

This seems like a scam.

I'm walking out, and I'm leaving the place.

And this

Mexican dude's like,

you know, so

he just like he turns to me and he's like, if you just want to,

you know, maybe come back a little later and bring me money.

And he's like, tearing up.

And I'm like, fuck yeah, maybe.

I mean, I'll go look at other places.

And then there's this like painting of the moon in like the in the trash outside.

And he's like, like,

do you see this?

And I'm like, yeah.

You know,

and he's like,

my girlfriend,

she just broke up with me.

And I'm like, oh, I'm sorry.

And he's like,

I've been in these far.

She break up with me.

And then he starts crying on my shoulder.

And I'm just like patting this fucking middle-aged Mexican guy.

He's showing you everything.

I've never met him before.

I've never met him before in my life.

And he's just sort of crying on my shoulder, and he's like sobbing.

And I'm like,

sorry, I guess.

He's like, well, you come back later and bring the money.

I'm like, I don't fucking know.

So then I found this other place with this woman.

And, you know, she's showing me the apartment.

It's a pretty good deal.

It was like $600 a month, everything included.

And this is a room inside the house at the time.

And

she's like, yeah, you know, my son's here half the time.

He spends half the time with his dad.

And it's like, you know, all this stuff dedicated to her son, which is fine.

I guess people love their kids or whatever.

But, you know, she's telling me, you you know like oh well he's an actor and he's been in a lot of stuff you know nickelodeon likes him a lot you know he's seven and i go man this kid sounds like he sucks yeah and uh so she's showing me the house or whatever and she's like well this will be your room it'll look like a nice room and shit and i'm like yeah it seems like a good deal i'm like fuck it man i just cut the check handed to her i'm like i'll move my stuff in later and then uh i was like talking to somebody afterwards and i was like yeah i told them the deal and they're like yeah and they're like the kids there i'm like yeah they're like oh well how many bedrooms is it and uh i thought about it I'm like, well, there's my room, the bathroom.

There's her room.

And then,

oh, I guess this kid just doesn't exist.

I guess she, like, because there's no room for a kid here.

What?

Yeah.

And I was convinced that she just had some dead son that she, like, you know, made up in her head or died.

Holy shit.

But the kid was real.

I just, after the Mexican guy experience, I figured that would make sense.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So then she left you into the garage?

No, the kid would sleep with her in her bed.

There was another couple living in the garage, and then there was a guy that just rented the driveway and lived in a van.

What the fuck?

The garage couple was like,

it was this kid who was like, he was like near my age, he was like 20 or something,

and just like a dumbass, overenthusiastic dude, bro.

Right, of course.

Like an Occupy guy?

No, this was right, I told you this story before.

This was like right around when Occupy was just getting started.

So there was Occupy LA going on, and they went, the couple and the guy in the driveway, because they were like, it's a bunch of people and were like making a huge push to legalize weed across the country.

Like, you know, they were those people or whatever.

I love it.

And, and yeah, they lived, but that kid out in the garage was great.

He had like a, his girlfriend was like 29 and he was 20, and she had like a mixed race kid.

And the father was this like enormous black dude.

They'd like come over sometimes and they would all hang out together.

It's so fucking weird.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then the guy that lived in the driveway,

I'm going to fucking sound like a driveway.

Yeah, there was a guy that lived in a van in the driveway, like fucking Cody from Step by Step.

And he was this aging hippie that was like, yo, I'm like a weed activist, dude.

I actually have.

Everyone in this is why LA sucks.

Because literally everyone in LA won't ever say anything after High My Name Is other than here's what I'm doing currently.

Here are my fucking credits.

Nobody's a fucking human being.

Nobody's having a shitty time.

They're all just, just, you know, like, they present you their resume to you immediately.

So this guy's like, yeah, we actually have like a TV channel going on.

We actually, you know, we've gone grown beyond a show.

We have a whole channel now.

Which just meant like a website that had a couple of shitty videos.

Right, right, right, right.

And you wanted to call that a TV network.

But he would just bore the shit out of me.

Of course, dude.

An old hippie weed guy?

The worst.

You know, and he would fucking, you know, tell me the stories about, oh, yeah, we got this car and we actually converted it to run on

hemp oil.

You know, it's like a, it's like your car doesn't also need to smoke weed.

I don't

And

but he's telling this story one time and he's telling it with the same boring casual tone he always does.

He's like yeah, you know, we kind of we hitchhiked all the way down through Mexico into Guatemala and then we wound up in

this mountainous region and that's actually where I learned Spanish was from the locals in this mountainous region.

And so when I would go into the down into the you know town or whatever, I'd speak my weird mountain Spanish and everyone would laugh at me being this gringo that didn't speak regular Spanish.

And then actually this big

near Civil War level conflict broke out.

And I remember going down of town one time and kids were kicking some guy's head around the street like a soccer ball.

Anyhow, next week we're having a weed benefit and it's going to be great.

I mean, it's just fucking like, you know, it sort of breezes past

this

amazing story.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This amazing part of his life he delivers with the same fucking, you know, know, tone.

I like to think that it was his fault, the Civil War.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Is that you couldn't handle his fucking boring-ass stories?

Yeah,

he started it, yeah.

Jesus Christ, dude.

Yeah, that's the problem is because all those guys think weed is the most interesting thing in the world.

To them, being in a fucking Civil War skirmish doesn't mean shit to them.

Do you have any fun living situations, Pete?

Did you ever live anywhere?

I lived in a car once for like probably a couple months.

A car around here?

Nah, in Florida.

florida i was like hustling and then i lost everything oh yeah

i spent everything yeah yeah yeah and then i found myself like homeless for two months really and like i have family that lived down there but i was too prideful to ask them of course so i just and like i used to have like nice cars but i lost them all and i only had like my worst car which was like nah it was a it was actually a 78 uh monte carlo that in my mind

well no

they changed the body style though and they got smaller a little yeah yeah yeah but it was was still long as fuck, though.

Yeah, but the 73 to 77 Monte Carlos are the fucking thing.

Yeah, those are super.

I saw one actually down the block.

Yeah, there is.

There's a guy.

It's a gray one.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I like that car every day.

In my mind, I'm like, I'm going to hook it up.

But, like, I lost all my money before I ever hooked it up.

So the windows, so I'm like sleeping in like a motel fucking park in a driveway.

The new drives this 78 Monte Carlo is right there.

Training Day.

Training Day, yeah.

That's what the whole idea was.

I was like, yeah, I'm going to hook it up like training day.

That's awesome.

What was the hustle?

What was the hustle that you were at the kid?

It was like, it was.

I can't get into detail, but I'm sure.

That's how you know it's an actually awesome story.

It was like a white-collar, it was a white-collar thing, and I was,

I guess.

You would go between here and Miami, you said?

No, I would live down.

I lived down in Florida for like maybe eight to nine years.

Okay.

And then I came up here to do comedy.

I love that Florida is a place where bad people go to have trashy fun.

So great.

Because

there's no limit.

There's no.

I had a cousin that moved down to Miami and was just a piece of shit for a while, and then he moved back to Philly and was murdered by the police.

There's no.

Dude, his life story.

Before I lived in Miami, I lived in Orlando.

And I had just started getting money.

You can't hustle in D.C.

I got carjacked in Orlando.

Really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

In front of a police precinct.

Get the fuck out of here.

I couldn't tell anyone that story.

Like, I couldn't tell anyone that story, dude.

Like, back home, I couldn't be like, yo, you know what just happened to me?

Yeah.

Of course not.

Yo, who robbed you, Mickey Mills?

My friends got jumped right in front of the police station in Austin by like 20 guys.

They formed a circle around them and sent two people in at a time to kick the shit out of them.

Jesus Christ.

That's like the most unsuccessful.

That's right in front of the police department.

That's cool.

That's like a break dancing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, it was like, they suspected it was a gang initiation thing.

Oh, so the cops.

So good thing they didn't break it up.

I'm like, what the fuck?

Well done.

I don't know.

It's funny because I see my friends who still live in Austin.

They're constantly bitching about the APD, you know, for cracking down on, I don't know, whatever, but then they all get assaulted.

Like, there's been like a blot of fucking assault.

I guess I was technically.

I got beat up by those bikers, Sugar A guy, yeah, by the Sugar Ray bikers, but

you get beat up, dude, because I was making fun of Sugar Ray and some bikers got angry.

The band

of those guys, yeah, those that's Sugar Ray, and then you did a set afterwards.

I did, I did a set afterwards, blood on you after you got beat up.

That's the thing.

Like Teddy Roosevelt got Got shot and still did the speech.

You're amazing.

Yeah.

Maybe Teddy Roosevelt was also nine tall boys deep at fucking 7 p.m.

Yeah, you're like Werner Herzog.

You get shot in the stomach and kept doing the interview.

So you got, you got, what'd you get?

Did you get beat up or did you just get hit a few times?

I got different.

You couldn't tell the next day.

Oh, yeah.

Beat up is like your face is swollen.

No, no, no.

Which surprisingly, because this dude was huge.

He was like this enormous guy.

I'm like, I'm going to be fucked up tomorrow.

It was nothing, not a marvel.

Was Was he in the place where you were doing the set, or did they kick him out?

No, they,

the cops showed up, and like, the cops are like, What the fuck happened?

I immediately was like, All right, I've never met you before in my life, right?

And the cop's like, No, sir, you have not.

And I'm like, Now I'm going to assume you, as a human being, wouldn't become furious if someone insulted the band Sugar Red.

That's a normal assumption to make, right?

And he was like, Yeah, I'd say so.

I'm like, Well, there, that's asked that guy why he's so fucking mad.

Jesus Christ.

And the guy laughed about it, I guess.

And we were like, you guys don't want to press charge?

Because he punched another comic, too.

Really?

He's like, you guys don't want to press charges?

And we're like, nah, I just tell him to leave.

And he did.

That was the end of it.

Y'all some gangsters, man.

Yeah, I watched it.

Yeah, no snitching.

No pressing charges.

It's mostly like it's a fucking hassle, you know?

Right, do the paperwork.

Yeah, do the paperwork.

I don't want to have to go to a court appearance if they ask me to.

It's also like the guy's fucking drunk, you know.

Not that I have like sympathy for him, but like, you know, if he's on parole or something or probation.

Fuck that, yo.

Snitch.

Have you flipped?

Have you flipped in your.

Nah.

I'll tell you nah, but nah.

I never.

No, that's what I mean.

Now, now, would you snitch, Petey?

Nah, would I snitch?

To protect your empire, your comedy empire that you're building.

I probably wouldn't snitch.

Because to me, I always look at it like, dude, whatever you're into, you get yourself into.

Right, right, right.

It's like no one forced you to do some dumb shit.

Yeah.

Like, if you're forced into doing some shit against your will, then maybe snitch.

But if you were like, you know what?

I'm going to fucking rob this person

with my boy Stavi.

Well, let's say snitching is wrong, but what about making shit up to intentionally get an enemy thrown in jail?

Like if I were to say that Dan Ninan raped and murdered a toddler.

It's called lie snitching.

Yeah.

Oh, live snitching.

You got dry snitching?

That's lie snitching.

Dry snitching.

Then you got lie snitching.

What's dry snitching?

I would never snitch, but I do.

I I do.

Actually, I probably would snitch.

You would snitch it on.

You got a snitch face.

Yeah, yeah.

He looks like he'll flip real quick.

Oh, my God.

Adam would flip quick as hell.

I feel like he'd like chill for a second and then be like, all right, I'll tell you what.

I would never snitch, but I do, whenever I'm in an Applebee's, sign up all my enemies for the Applebee's to go email list.

That's my version of game.

You know what I love doing it?

I haven't seen it.

They don't do it at Verizon anymore, but they used to have monitors up, and you could put your name in the line, and it would have the initial for your first name, and then the rest of your last name.

And so you just sign up names like Stephen Hithead or

Francis Agate or whatever.

And I just fill a queue with that.

And then you just watch the front desk until one of the employees looks up.

And then

you just start frantically deleting everything on the computer.

That is a fucking.

You know what's a good prank that I never got into, but I wish I had as a teenager and I don't think you can do anymore is RF hijacking of drive-thrus.

What's that?

So the headsets connect to that speaker box through like walkie-talkie shit.

Oh, okay.

So you can just sit outside with a scanner, find the frequency, and broadcast over the drive-thru.

Get out of here.

Why can't we do that now?

Click around.

I think it switched to Bluetooth.

I mean, they probably switched them all over to some kind of digital technology.

I had a friend in high school who used to just go to, you know, Dell Talk or Jack in the Box late at night and just make a huge drive-through order, like when there was only one guy working, and then get to the register, they hand him the food, and he'd be like, I forgot my wallet.

And like 10 times out of 10, they're like, All right, just take the food, dude.

I don't give a fuck.

What?

Yeah, if you're like working alone in a Del Talka in the middle of the night, they don't give a fuck.

Yeah, no, you could go into any

restaurant.

You could go into literally any of the pizza chains and say, Do you have any fuck-up pizzas that you're giving away?

I work with homeless people, and I want to give it to them.

Or you could just say, I'm a police officer, and they'll make you a free pizza.

Well,

I said that all the time.

Or you could just say, give me a pizza, and then say, give me that shit, don't pay him.

What the fuck are you going to do?

And then you just walk away.

I mean, I worked at all those places.

What the fuck are you going to do?

I worked at all those places.

And my honest response would be, like, yeah, literally nothing.

This made me deal.

I'm so glad you're hurting this business that's exploiting me.

I used to work at a sneaker store in a fucking hood in Liberty City, dude.

And like, yo, is that the town from Grandpa?

People would do it.

People would do it.

Like, it was in the middle of the hood, so you could only imagine.

Like, we had Jordans and shit, so it was like Fort Knox for the hood.

You know what I mean?

It's like your fucking treasury or some shit.

And your dudes would come in, and there was like a security guard.

It's like this old Haitian dude with an old school revolver.

No one cares.

None of the employees care.

Like, if you came in and just shoplifted,

we wouldn't even snitch on the person and we saw it.

We'd just be like, well,

she got a new shirt.

Only thing is he's got the security thing on it, so hopefully you can get that off.

I worked at a a cell phone kiosk in these, like, I guess, uh,

I don't know who did it, but somebody jimmied open the lock and stole, like, three new

the Nex remember the Nextel.

Well, but the Nextel I-830 that was like the hotel.

The silver and blue joint?

That was the 930.

But yeah.

Which one was the I-830?

A black one?

Yeah, it was the one with the black and yellow one.

Yeah, yeah.

830s before that.

But those are the hot phones.

So somebody sold either 930s or 830s.

How much did those cost back then?

MSRP was a lot, dude.

That was like $700.

Yeah, without a contract.

They're big for construction, right?

Yeah.

Initially, everybody drugs.

Everybody.

The two-way, everybody loved the two-way shit.

So where you at?

The feds got them.

Yo, the feds is on us.

Get rid of that shit, so the feds is on us.

Well, I remember somebody jimmied open lock and stole it, and I showed my boss and like the amount of fucking and words that came out of his mouth.

Jesus Christ.

This is a Ronnie.

These niggas.

Yeah, yeah.

He was like, fucking, they're all the fucking same niggas.

That's the hard part about shit.

Because, like, I don't know.

Like,

tribalism, like, that dude you were talking about, what was his name?

Fucking.

Pop son.

Pop son.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like, he's the type of dude that's not down with tribalism.

Like, he's not like, dude, because you look like me, we're cool.

Yeah, right, right, right.

And I'm trying to, I'm, like, the same way.

Like, I hate that.

Like, I hate having to be for your cause because we look the same.

You hate the automatic.

Yeah, like, right, right.

Yeah, it's all about jokes.

You You know, if there's a way to make a joke out of something, then do it.

I'd say that.

My claim is just not giving a fuck to the extent of being like, well, you know what my people went through.

I didn't go through that.

Yeah.

I'm not trying to discredit the past or whatever, but it's just like

the fuck, bro.

Yeah.

If someone looks like me, I just break their glasses.

Yeah, I don't like doppelgangers.

I think that's the bottom line.

I don't like people that look like.

That was the worst.

That was what nobody does, dude.

When somebody finds somebody that looks like, oh, look, dude, I found you at this other thing.

You're like, shut the up, dude.

Those are always uglier.

They're always a little uglier.

It's never a hotter version.

I see Styrezes all day long.

Yeah, no, you do public transit.

Oh, yeah.

Actually, we do have that game where we'll be in public and we'll see a fat guy where we're like, Look at Stop.

I have my beautiful inner fire.

That was the worst thing in the world is moving here for comedy and then just going to a mic and seeing like 40 different dudes that look like me.

Yeah, there are a hundred of you that are like that.

Yeah, that are like, uh, yeah, I'm a Jewish.

Shut up, Kike.

What?

Uh, DC, we all stand up from DC together.

Yeah,

and they're literally all named Adam Friedland, too.

I don't know how that's even possible.

I like it.

My favorite is the guys on the Patreon that call you Aaron in the comments.

Oh, those are my fans.

Those are my number one fans.

That's the funniest shit though.

Aaron Friedland.

Yeah, I really don't like the Aaron guy.

That is such awesome disrespect.

Not even bothering to learn your name while fucking saying you suck.

Listen, dude.

I love them.

I love each and every one of them.

Any publicity is good publicity.

Even if they spell your name wrong.

That's why I cause trouble online.

We lose $400 or $500

in subscribers every time I do it.

But eventually it goes back up like $20.

Yeah,

the right is abandoning us, the left is abandoning us.

When I was writing for ThoughtGuy, while I had a meeting with them, and when I first started writing with them, and I wrote some article that was like

children's letters to the war on Christmas troops, and I just drew all these like, you know,

childish drawings or whatever.

Or, you know what, I think it was

I think it was like

there was some BuzzFeed article that was like

British people try to draw a map of the United States and like everything's placed wrong and

don't know what this is might, you know, or whatever.

So I did some fucking thing that was like, well, African kids try to draw a map of the United States.

There's like bite marks in the map.

It was like, please send food.

They killed the Alphonse, you know, stuff like that.

And the guy who owned the company, like, you met with me, he's like, yeah, dude, we lost 300 Facebook likes off that.

Like, a bunch of people said they'll never read the website again.

I'm like, oh, shit, I'm sorry.

He's like, no, that's good, dude.

He's like, that's what I want because, you know, eventually we're going to get a new audience from it.

It's going to bring other people and we're going to diversify.

So I'm really excited about this.

And that just never happened.

I continued to destroy their brand until eventually eventually they hired Jim Goad and Gavin McInnes and then made their name for themselves being a racist website.

Jesus.

You know, that's crazy.

It went from like a teenage girl feelings website to like a racist men's website.

What was the website?

Overnight.

Watch the website?

Thought catalog.

I didn't know that.

Thought catalog.

Yeah, well, they hired Jim Goad.

A lot of people don't like Jim.

Jim's been around for like 30 years.

I mean, he was like a zine guy.

Gotcha.

I feel like it's not racist if you don't kill the race you're talking about.

Yeah, that's that's my rule.

No, it's still good.

Unless murder happens.

Or you don't give them a job.

But even then, that's your fucking right if you're the employer.

Milo gets railed at by black dudes, so he can't be racist.

Say you're an employer.

He's actually literally not.

No,

that's against a lot of laws.

Well,

say you're an employer and you don't like Asians.

Yeah.

You don't got to hire.

How do they know you don't like Asians?

Because none of them work for you?

Yeah, well, look,

you give cheat the system, but you're not supposed to.

You're not obfuscating the reason you're not hiring.

Also, if you're an employer, you like Asians.

I didn't want to say black people, but you don't like black people, and you're like, all right.

You're like, all right, Jamal, I don't want to fucking hire you.

No, they would cat.

Yeah, that's illegal as hell.

You should have to do that.

You haven't got Asians working for me.

They're like, yes, I do another 15 hours today.

I will make every product faster.

And they do it.

Efficiently and well.

And

the Asians are dope, man.

Like, when they fucking, when they shut down the bodegas the other day, I was a little nervous, but I'm like, well, the Chinese people are still here, so we're good.

As long as the flailwing wings are fried hogs.

Oh, yeah.

You care more about money.

I love a damn Chinese

yesterday for $2.

Really?

Was it good?

I mean, it was chicken soup.

Chicken noodle soup.

Dude, did you watch The Night Of?

Only saw the first episode of the woman.

They hit up my girl in The Night Of.

They go to my old favorite dumpling spot.

Really?

That fried dumplings place on

Moscow.

Moscow, in between Mont Mont and Mulberry.

There's like a dumpling place.

In that little fucking alley.

Yeah.

I thought they shut that down.

Didn't they shut it down?

Because they said they were making the dumplings temporarily.

I'm telling you no.

There's a different place.

Prosperity Dumplings.

Prosperity.

Got shut down because they were making dumplings in the back with rats crawling all over them.

Just outside.

Those are good dumplings.

They were good.

They're cheap as hell.

No, this place is fucking cool.

He goes there, and they let the woman who works at the place be in the show.

Oh, tight.

He's like, Let me go to Dumpling Place.

She's like, Yeah, five minutes.

They just left her in there.

That's the most, yeah, that's the most because the location guy was like, Hey, yeah, so we're going to shoot here, and then we'll have somebody come behind the counter and they'll play you or whatever.

No, five minutes.

I guess she just stays in.

She's basically Chinese detective munch.

That's what it is.

I'm a detective.

I play Munch.

She's in fucking law and order now.

Litcher.

Wow, fuck.

That's a hard one.

Berzard.

Bill Lichard.

Berzard.

That's one for the ages.

Lichild.

Was he Lichard?

Lichild?

Little Richard.

That must be a hard one for him, huh?

Yeah, Little Richard.

Riddle Lichard.

Riddle Richard.

Come right next to me, karaoke.

Is this racist or funny?

No, it's racist.

Hold on, cool.

It's both.

It is 100% racist.

Without question, inexcusably racist.

You're saying Riddle Lichard?

Yeah, I don't know.

It's racist.

It's definitely racist.

Yeah, yeah.

100%.

No, we're not, you know.

This is going to entertain the fuck out of people.

I'm just saying.

Yeah.

If I heard this shit, I'd be like, man, these guys are fucking entertaining as fuck.

The people that get mad about this shit are already mad.

And those are the people I don't want to be friends with.

Yeah, so it doesn't matter, you know?

I don't know if it's racist.

It's more of a thought experiment.

How would a racist person?

Well, racism in general is.

If they were making fun of a Chinese person saying Little Richard, how would they do it?

Also, you know, you could be racist, but still be great art, right?

Yeah, well, this is not what this is.

Like I said, racism

did not make great art.

I think it's great art.

One day we could.

I think this is like,

I'm like one, I'm like a soul from one of the old dudes that got away when they were hanging people.

But I live now and I'm just like, man, you guys think this is bad?

They ain't roping you up for this shit.

This ain't racism.

This is someone's thought.

Yeah, the worst thing that happens nowadays is you get punched.

People have nothing.

There's different punchings going on.

And that's like now, like,

you know, state

people.

There's everybody, everybody's like, but back in the day, they were like, yo, we're killing black people.

Everybody come to the party and watch the show.

They were toasted.

They were like, oh, niggas, niggas' balls.

Fry it up.

That is true.

Now

that's how they shut Frostbury Dumpling down.

That's how they were making them.

The N-ball dumplings.

Pan fried.

Damn, I'm hungry.

Yeah, I could

go for a dumpling.

Yeah, well, we've fulfilled our obligated time slot.

I didn't mean to end the episode.

With what?

What the fuck are you doing?

Why are you rubbing yourself?

I'm sat here because I put my feet up here on the

Ottoman.

Yeah.

Well, that's the end of the episode.

Wait, shouldn't we say when the shows are shit?

Yes.

We got

Caroline's on the 21st,

and then on the following Monday on the 28th or 27th, I can't remember.

We're back at Come On Everybody.

You guys have to come to both of them.

I know that we're doing too many shows now.

You're going to be overloaded with Comeboy content, but you got to come to both.

I think the second one's going to be a fundraiser, so you feel good or something.

Maybe a fundraiser.

One of them.

One of them should be a fundraiser.

Yeah, we're going to get.

Well, anyway, all of the Patreon money does go to charity.

Oh, you got to fucking go straight to the ACLU.

I don't give a fuck.

Oh, I'm about to say you got something nice.

I would do charity if I had millions.

Until I got millions, I'm not giving up anything.

Shoot, Charity.

PD, do you want to plug anything?

I want to fucking.

I don't know, man.

I'm out here.

Just find me.

Flip with me in the credits.

I don't know.

You guys got credits and shit.

People look at the credits.

I always say that.

At the end of the shit, people go, what do you want to play?

Like, dude, just fucking look me up, man.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

PD's a great comic for those that don't live in New York.

He was on,

I don't know if he was on one of the premiums.

He was.

Come town.

He was.

Was it?

That shit was lit.

Was that before we recorded?

No, no, he was on it.

He was on it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That shit was so lit.

He's hilarious.

And thanks for you.

Yeah, we did.

Do you guys still do that place?

Yeah.

That shit was funny.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right, bro.

End of the month.

Well, come to our shows.

Thanks for listening, bye.

Later.

It was dope cooking.

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At Certopro Painters, we know that a happy place comes in many colors, like ones that inspire a sense of wonder or a new flavor that makes life just a little bit sweeter, or one to celebrate those moments that lift you to new heights at home or at work.

We'll make your happy place your own.

Certapro Painters.

That's Painting Happy.

Each Certapro Painters business is independently owned and operated.

Contractor license and registration information is available at Certapro.com.