Ep. 38 – Good Prison vs Bad Prison

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Theme song went, anyways.

How much Soul Train did you watch?

I watched a little bit growing up.

I would play it early as shit Sunday mornings before church when I was still a church-going boy.

I remember

I would watch Soul Train.

Yeah, before I went to racist school, I was actually raised in the racist religion.

That's why I am the way I am today.

You know, I try to be woke, but I'm sorry.

It's just my upbringing.

You have to fight what's in your DNA.

Yeah, we went to swastika church.

We would learn how to draw swastikas.

That's why I was so good at it.

What if Hitler liked swastikas?

Because he was an artist and they're so much fun to draw.

They are pretty cool.

That's where it started.

He was an artist and he couldn't stop drawing swastikas.

Yeah, it's the most

art teacher.

It's like, you got to stop doing this, Adolph.

Well, it was between the swastika and the super S.

The S.

Well, that was pretty cool S.

I was laughing.

I was laughing during the primaries.

That's what Bernie should have changed his campaign logo to.

Is that S?

He would have won.

Oh, like Sanders with that S?

Yeah, not even that, just the S.

You just make it that S thing, draw it on a piece of paper.

I guess it is Suzuki, isn't it?

Yeah, it is similar to the Suzuki logo.

Felix, we got Big Dick Felix in the game.

Felix is giving you.

I'll intro the guest.

Thank you.

Bitch, I'll do whatever I want.

Felix is here, everyone.

We got Big Dick Felix here.

Here's your favorite thing.

Here's Felix's official introduction.

I should ask you.

You understand your powerless.

I'm the one with

the core work.

No, you're not.

I should introduce Felix

because he's Jewish.

And every time we have a Jewish guest, I should introduce

you.

We are parentheses, brothers.

Yeah, we TV off for me.

Me and Adam, we didn't go to racist church, but we went to racist synagogue together growing up.

We both went to Jared Kushner's synagogue,

and we actually both sucked the foreskin at the same time, like in Lady in the Tramp.

Yeah, telling that.

It's true.

There's a little baby foreskin.

What happens to the foreskins?

I always imagine.

I used to do a bit about it.

Putting them in like a book, like a diary, like an old flower, and then you let it dry out in the diary.

Like in a scrapbook.

Yeah.

That's what I imagine happened.

Like the parents would do that.

I think Jewish box

burn victims get them.

Oh, they make them onto you.

They give you new skin.

If a menorah tips over and causes a fire.

I think it's.

Isn't that good stem cell shit right there?

Yeah, there's a lot of stem cells in there.

There's actually some skins in there.

stem cells in there.

I was reading about it a couple years ago.

This isn't funny, but it's true.

They can use stem cells to create proto-skin cells or whatever and put it in an atomized spray and just spray new skin on burn victims.

And instead of skin grafts, it's like a technology.

Could you spray nanotech?

Could you spray an asshole shut?

Yeah.

That would be hilarious.

You have a funny asshole.

And then somebody's like, what good is the bathroom if you cannot shit, Mr.

Anderson?

And then his asshole seals and he freaks out.

I said I want to go to the bathroom.

I want my toilet.

In one life, you're a regular shitting man, just like everybody else.

In a secret life, you're the online diaper-wearing hacker Neo.

You're telling me that I won't have to wipe?

No, Neo.

I'm telling you that one day you won't even have to shit.

Oh, hell yeah.

Totally.

Yeah, where did they shit in Zion?

Yeah, there was like a latrine type situation they had going on.

After the techno rave, I think they had a like a

latrine station set up.

You know what they never explain in those movies?

Why the machines want to kill those people?

Because they want to...

They got to harvest them for their techno.

They already have people that they harvest.

They already make people.

They have the machines can't be.

They're trying to stop

them having people.

Yeah, they're trying to wake everyone.

They're trying to make everyone woke.

Yeah, but if they just didn't do that, then they could live in

the middle of the world.

There's no reason for...

But they were doing it.

So, how about that?

So it's really

the people are the bad guys.

They're the ones who are killing people.

Oh, no, they wanted to kill them.

They're trying to kill the people because the people were woke.

They weren't living in the Matrix like everyone else.

But that doesn't make any sense.

Why would they want to kill them?

Because they're woke and they want to get them in the matrix, they want to wake everyone else up.

But if they wake up, then again, it brings you back to my point that it's their fault.

No, because if they wake up, then you have the chance for dissent, dude.

Are all the people in the matrix like in some sort of file cabinet where they're all sleeping and like plugged into those things?

Yeah.

The only character I really,

you know, felt any kind of connection to was the Joey Pantilo.

Joey Pantaliano, the fucking biggest villain at dickhead.

I want you to put me back in there.

But I have seasoned tickets to the Yanks.

Yeah, his demands are such bullshit.

Yeah, he wanted a steak.

I want to be somebody famous.

That's actually what happens.

I want to be in the Soprano.

I want to be wearing a rug that I keep in the freezer.

Oh, man.

Janice really did fuck every Ralph Sephoretto.

Everyone.

All of his enemies.

Richie Apriil.

Richie Apriil was such a piece of shit, dude.

Oh, he was the worst.

He was the biggest piece of shit.

The first time we see Richie, he just paralyzes a guy for no reason.

He fucking paralyzes a guy because he comes in there.

That was the most realistic mob thing in the Sopranos was how Richie paralyzed a guy because he wouldn't give him half his pizza business.

Yeah, something like that.

It was, yo, my favorite thing about something the Sopranos did so well is that every time someone got out of jail, they still had 1980s style.

Yes.

like the clothes were all they all wore like members-only jackets and stuff.

And Rishi, he had that jacket, that leather jacket that he like he beat some guy up for, and he was like, He was the toughest guy, and he gave me no, and then he gave it to Tony, and then Tony gave it to the gardeners.

And he got so offended.

That was so awesome.

Tony just is the king of shade.

He really is.

He's better than drag queens.

My favorite episode of that show is when him and Bobby get in the fight over Monopoly.

Monopoly, Yeah, yeah.

Under the boardwalk,

he's stuck in a dick.

Stop.

So he got in trouble for we do, basically, all the time.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, if he's the man.

If they won another season and they had another, you know, dream sequence episode, it would have just been Tony hosting a podcast.

Come,

Patreon Cole.

Oh, I love that show so much.

Would this be the Sopranos episode?

No, we got to get Racine for that one.

Yeah, Racine's got to be the Sopranos guy.

We're going to be.

Because he's a

Sopranos.

He's in.

He's a yoga Irish man.

He made a sketch a couple of years ago that was funny, but you watch it and it's like, he just wanted to wear that track suit.

Yeah,

do the accent.

That's all that sketch was.

Respect to Racine, though, for actually being in waste management and being a title.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, he was a garbage man.

Bottling his own, canning his own sauces.

Yeah.

That's.

If I had

the reason I went into media is because a job I had lined up in waste management fell through.

And I was, no, I was like...

After I graduated, I knew this family, an Italian family, of course, that owned a waste management company out east.

And I was like, well,

I guess that's what I'm going to do.

And it fell through.

And I was too retarded to figure out how to get any other job.

And here I am.

Hell yeah, dude.

Hell yeah.

I wish you were in the mob right now, dude.

I wish you just like backed your way into the mob.

That's what my great-great-uncle did.

He stole money from Capone in the 30s and then fucking self-armed.

I have an uncle that likes to pretend he's in the mob.

Oh, yeah.

Like saying Grazzi at restaurants and shit.

Is he?

He's Jewish.

He's a Jewish guy.

Oh, you're Jewish.

Remember that fucking horrible restaurant in Benny's?

Wait, wait, did you?

Yeah, yeah, Benny's.

The Sinatra.

Did the Froggies hear that?

That Ben's, or that Nick's got Jewish cousins and uncles?

Yeah, that's a good idea, is riling up the people on Reddit.

That's what we need this week.

Good call, Adam.

I've been told that I'm three barling anyone up.

Wow, what a shock.

The one Jewish member of the podcast stabbing the podcast in the back.

Where have I seen that before?

I believe the greatest story ever told, Jesus Christ.

Yo, is Peter Rabbit about

St.

Peter?

Someone said that the other day.

You said that.

And I said it as a joke, and then I was like, well, maybe.

What is Peter Rabbit?

No, wait, I'm thinking of the Velveteen Rabbit.

Yeah, that was the Velveteen Rabbit, which was.

Why didn't they call it the Circle Teen Rabbit, huh?

Wait,

fucking retard.

Ovalteen.

No, the Velveteen Rabbit is about a kid.

I'm going to call back to a thing we were talking about off-Mike that was wrong anyway.

Wait, what was it?

The Velveteen Rabbit's about a little boy that gets HIV

and then they have to burn all his toys because he has HIV and they're worried that the toys will get HIV.

And then the Velveteen Rabbit is a toy rabbit that becomes real,

which

gets retrovirals.

Yeah, yeah.

That's how they came up with the idea for Oz.

Yeah.

The shittiest show.

I think, yeah.

Man, me and Ellis tried to watch Oz.

Because I was like, we're like watching a bunch of fucking, we got HBO Go.

We're like, oh, let's watch all we watched Sopranos.

Like, let's watch all the classic shows that everyone talks about.

And Oz is just so horribly acted.

It just raped

right off the fucking top.

They've got that horrible, like, narrator.

What's that guy?

He does interstitious.

Justice.

The character justice.

The guy in the wheelchair after lost.

I forget.

Harold Adabis.

I don't know.

No, it's not Adabis.

It's Harold Carrano, right?

That might be right.

I forget the actor's name.

The character's name is like August or something.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Anyway, that show sucks, Dick.

Yeah, no, it's fucking terrible terrible.

She died from Whiplash Rapes, right?

Everyone had it.

J.K.

Simmons.

J.K.

Simmons in his first watch.

Just kidding, Simmons.

Just kidding, Simmons.

I would watch that fucking show every day when I would come home from school when I was 16.

I would watch that in Sopranos.

And the Sopranos, like, no, it was another Jew who wished he was in the mafia.

Of course.

I went to the grocery store in my neighborhood and was like, could I get some goba ghoul?

I thought it looked good.

And they were like, what are you talking about?

And I realized it's not how you see say that.

Unless you're in one part of America.

Absolutely.

Oz is one part of Italy.

Although,

that's the official Italian.

If you do get Capricole here, Capricola here and they don't say Gabaghoul, don't get it.

It's probably bad.

Don't get it.

My favorite.

We were talking about Oz before this, but my favorite thing about it was that one of the heroes of the show was supposed to be the lib who ran the Oz.

And he was like, you were supposed to feel bad for him when the government would be like,

we're shutting down like your weird daycare prison because there are 500 rapes, 30 murders a day, and 85 kilos of heroin are consumed daily, and it's entirely run by gangs.

He was like, no, give it a chance.

I also don't understand what the experiment was supposed to be.

Yeah, it's like

we're doing an experiment in a separate part of the prison, and the experiment is like, well, we just have

these people that are part of the cast, and they're in this part of the prison.

And then

that's really it.

That's the experiment.

We're not really going to put any thought into what happens with them or how it's an experiment.

We're not going to tell you what the hypothesis is.

Just going to tell you it's an experiment.

That's the Oz prequel.

It's that guy in front of a boardroom with a PowerPoint.

He's like, I promise you, I can increase rapes by 500% in prison.

Because Tim

McManus was like a drunk, too, right?

Wasn't that like the, he was like secretly a drunk or something?

He was a...

Wait, was he a drunk or was he like...

That had to be someone out.

Was that Wittlesley who was a drunk?

I thought it was McManus that was the fucking drunk.

He was like secretly a drunk or something.

And that, you know, but I mean, yeah, I don't understand what the experiment was other than give me a job.

Yeah.

And you can just nakedly.

Just the gangs are just like just doing gang deals at like the middle of the day in front of other cops.

They're just like, how about well, the first episode, they set what's his name on fire?

Yes,

you know, orderly.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

They set him on fire, and then uh, yeah, what that's your discreet way of prison murder?

Is it like a fucking bonfire?

All right, we secretly set up a cannon, and we're gonna fire him into the prison walls, and no one's gonna know who did it.

You'd be funny if, like, because you know, Beecher's in there, like the show opens with Beecher, and he's like,

you know, a guy that you got a DUI and fucking killed a kid or whatever, so he ends up in there.

But, and I'm sure they do establish what everyone else did in the show.

But it'd be great if that was just like a minimum security white-collar prison.

And so, like, Atabisi was in there for tax evasion or whatever.

But that experiment goes so badly that they're just raping and murdering each other.

So, insider trading,

it was like, it was like perfect 90s, 2000s liberalism because the main villain of the show was the Republican governor of the state.

And he got re-elected like five times in the course of the show.

But he only did campaign appearances at the prison.

And his only campaign platforms were like,

no more smoking in the prison.

We're going to kill the retarded guy in the prison.

And it's like,

how did people keep electing this guy?

He's not doing anything.

It's a very popular prison.

Well, I love when Cyril showed up, and then

the one thing his brother wants to do is prevent him from being raped by the Nazis, and then the Nazis rape his brother.

It's like, this is such a dumb show.

They kill Cyril, too, because Cyril, like, kills a guy in a fight.

And McManus, who's supposed to be, like, the bleeding heart liberal,

as the warden of the daycare prison, is like,

we're killing Cyril for being retarded.

And they're like, it's like, you don't get to make that call.

Unilaterally.

Actually,

they just handed him a blister pack and let him strangle himself.

Are those white-collar prisons like where they get lobster and they play tennis and they have they have cable-knit sweatshirts and stuff?

Is that real?

Yeah, it's real.

Yeah, that's a real thing.

Yeah.

And there's no like fences either, right?

Yeah.

Well, it's everyone complaining about like, oh, wow, how hard it was for Chelsea Manning in prison.

She was in one of those.

No, she was.

She was in.

She got lobster every day.

Yeah, actually, they make you be trans.

She didn't want to be trans.

It's just that's

why I have to do it in one of those prisons to be cool.

Not only, not only a woke prison.

Right.

Not only was it not bad that she was in prison, but you know, I'm not even going to give credit to Obama for letting her out either.

I'm going to have it both ways.

We're going to say he didn't do enough, and that also she deserved to be in jail.

Look, you can't be a traitor to our boys in the fucking camo.

When Manning, like, leaked that shit, I mean, the most ghoulish shit that came out from that was probably the collateral murder video.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I loved it how

the response on that from the DC pundits were like, she's probably caused hundreds of secret agents to die.

And it was...

And then the take I saw after she got out was like, well, she didn't leak anything that we didn't know.

Like, we already knew that the collateral murder thing, that was an op gone wrong.

So,

you know, she's actually not a hero.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's like you were just arguing that she needs to be executed for the last six years.

Yeah.

Wait, she's out now or she's getting out of the middle.

Oh, she's getting out in May.

In May, yeah, yeah.

Moving to Bethesda, according to a tweet I saw.

Yeah, dude.

She should go to Portchill.

Yeah, but once you've been in prison that long, your life is ruined.

Oh, once you've been in solitary confinement that long, your life is ruined.

You've lost your mom.

You might as well just kill them.

I mean, I'm serious.

There's no way you're going to fix that person.

They're going to be in therapy for the rest of your life.

I approach everything like it's a band-aid that needs to be ripped off.

I think that's the case.

This is the GTA mindset.

Yeah, yeah.

When you scratch the car on the mission, and then you're like, oh, fuck it.

And you put a sticky bomb on the car.

That's what I do.

That's exactly what I do.

Even if it's one where you don't have to keep the car nice.

If you fucking cut me off in traffic and fuck it up, then I'm entering cheat codes and I'm just murdering police officers and deleting my save phone.

I mean, mean they kept mandela in pretty awful conditions for 35 yeah but i mean the man was a terrorist

i don't know if he was a threatening south african way of life this is i don't know if he was a terrorist you guys lose the nazi listeners

jesus i don't know if he was a terrorist but i know i know that he was he was very annoying Apparently, he used to, when he was at restaurants, ask like how big the thing was that he was ordering.

He wouldn't tip.

He was very annoying.

He deserved it, yeah.

What's wrong with asking how big the thing you're ordering is?

I don't know.

I was told yesterday when I was at dinner that it was incredibly kikey of me to be like, oh, you did use that.

Yeah.

There's

really a story about you.

You were asking about the size of the waiter's dick that you ordered because you're gay.

No, I was asking how big the bowl of pasta was.

That's a good question.

Because, you know, at some places they have an endless bowl of pasta.

Like at Olive Garden.

And you go in, use promo code ComeTown, and you get 20% off the unlimited breadsticks.

Bread and salad, yeah.

Adam is right.

Like, you should ask how big it is.

I would do that, too.

My grandfather got into a screaming match at Bob's Big Boy one time because he ordered something on the menu but was looking at the wrong picture.

Hell yeah.

And the picture had three sausage links in it, but the thing that he ordered clearly had two in the description.

And he's like, I'm not paying for this.

Like the whole meal.

And they had to bring him an extra sausage link on a plate.

Awesome.

This tiny fucking piece of shit sausage link that he didn't want in the first place.

My grandfather on my mom's side lived till 90 and he spent probably half of the latter part of his life doing shit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's his favorite thing to do.

What prolongs life?

You know, it's second to stem stelles is just complaining and harassing customer service employees.

He and my dad were the same.

They would both order from this Chinese restaurant in our neighborhood

because they knew they would fuck it up because they would get to go on the phone and yell at them, which is their favorite thing to do.

Hell yeah, dude.

My friend Tommy's grandfather used to bring his own bread and wine to restaurants just that weren't B-Y-O-E.

And he would bring his own olive oil.

It got to the point where he was bringing most of the meat.

That's not even a thing that you could do in the 50s.

That's not like...

No, it's not a thing.

He's just old school like that.

You know, pulling his dick out at the dinner table.

He's just an old school kind of guy.

I love those guys, man.

And they're all about to be.

What do you mean, those guys?

This is the first time I've ever heard.

Yeah, the whole admit is that it's not a type of guy.

No, it is a type of guy.

No, it's not.

It brings its own bread and wine.

Who else do you fucking know that brings their own bread and wine?

Those guys at Dunkin' Donuts when we were.

They did not bring their own bread and wine.

Yeah, but they were.

Those three old men having a conversation.

One of them happened to be stealing napkins.

It's completely different than bringing his own bread and wine to the restaurant.

I love those guys, man.

I'm an old school guy.

I'm old school.

I bring my own fucking waiter.

Yeah, I wrote my own app to place my order, and I installed it on the computers here by hacking into your Wi-Fi outside the restaurant.

I'll be just old school like that.

Yeah, I'm old school.

I'm getting my own permits to open a restaurant.

Hey, I automated your entire fucking workforce on my own.

So now I don't need anybody else here at this Build-A-Bear except me.

So you can scram toots.

Has anyone made a joke about...

Never mind.

Yeah, do it.

No, no, no, no.

About Bilde Bear and the Bildeberg group?

Has anyone done that?

That's probably happened.

That's sad.

Go ahead.

Do it, though.

I was just asking if someone's made a joke about that.

Do you mean anyone on Earth?

Yeah, probably someone has.

Probably.

You know what?

I stopped Googling puns to see if they've been done already, because for sure they have.

Yeah, they definitely have.

I tweeted Jason Porn the other day.

Oh, like Jason Porn?

Yeah, except the only thing you remember is how to beat off.

There's no way that that joke wasn't made 10 years ago.

I don't know if that could be, dude.

That's yours, dude.

I'll say it's yours.

There's no way.

Jason Porn.

That's actually the joke that Stephen Colbert told at the White House Press Correspondent Center that caused a media blackout.

They were like, this is too far.

How about this?

Jason Porn.

And they shut it all down.

Did that happen?

Did Colbert...

Was there.

Did Colbert?

Yeah, that's when he did the in front of Bush.

He was talking about

judging with your guts or something.

Yeah, he did a whole thing about WMDs and shit.

It was in 2006, so people were like, this is our Mandela.

Yeah.

Anyway, then Obama went on to do the same things that Colbert

pushed for it.

They were like, Obama like a boss.

Oh, yeah.

But

should we talk about that Hillary if Hillary won campaign, or is that going to step on?

Are you guys going to discuss that on your campus?

No, we're probably not.

Yeah, yeah.

I want to talk about it as soon as possible.

Everyone found this fucking Hillary.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

If she won, what was it?

I'm still with her.

Yeah, it was like alternative.

Was it the list of her cabinet?

No, you're not talking about the list of her cabinet that leaves.

Where it was like African American,

African American pick.

That was fucking awesome.

Yeah,

some kind of black guy, a colored fella.

Howard Schultz from Starbucks.

One of those guys that brings his own wine and bread to a restaurant.

You know, everyone knows what I'm talking about.

I'm one of those guys.

Everybody knows that guy.

I may not be.

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, but for my cabinet, I want an Orient Express.

No, it's like an alt.

It's like, it's, you know, because everyone's making those, like, you know, alt fucking

NSA accounts.

But

this one is like, you know, alt president.

And it's like, here's what would have happened if Hillary was president.

And it's like, I just had a lunch with Tina Faye and Amy Poehler sending Bill to go get me Kit Kats.

Like, literally, yes, queening.

As bad.

It's like a parody of itself.

The reason that

I mean, all the Bill things are like, Bill's doing my Pinterest, but really, it should be like, Bill is raping again.

Bill is on the Lolita Express.

Bill's in Thailand.

I mean, I would just love because, first of all, this raid in Yemen would have happened with Hillary.

Absolutely.

Not ground troops.

They would have just dropped pumps.

No, this was planned before Trump was president.

Was it?

Yeah.

This isn't something.

It wasn't.

Trump wrote it out in crayon and

gave it to the troops.

He drew the troops killing people.

You can't do that.

Make an example of it.

First of all, find a baby.

Figure out wherever the White House refrigerator is.

Put this on there.

I'm going to put Barron's name on it so nobody criticizes me.

Now look, if you guys get a 10-kill streak, you get a drawn.

30, you get a nuke, okay?

We're putting Treyarch in charge of Special Forces.

Oh, man.

But, yeah, no, it would be fun to see

her response to that had it been the other way, had she won.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

It would have sucked, dude.

I would have been just as jaded.

I feel great now.

It would be better for the world.

Probably.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, it's far preferable to have, like, a fucking evil but predictable and linear neoliberal manager and a fucking psycho.

Absolutely.

But, I mean, this.

The more that I think about it, it's like this rot was going to happen anyway.

Like, this is sort of the logical conclusion of our system.

Like, it's fucking awful he won and we're in fucking awful shape.

But also, like, if Hillary won,

she would have been a shitty president that everyone hated, and we would have gotten probably the same thing

or even worse, someone more competent than Trump in four years, right?

Yeah, she would have lost to fucking Rubia or someone in four years, real bad, and whatever.

Yeah, give a fuck, dude.

You do.

I think it's no, I mean, I think it's it's cool now.

I think everyone's getting woke.

Well, it fucking sucks, but like the normies are radicalized, and that's pretty good.

Yeah, it's chill, dude.

Uh, You guys watching Young Pope?

I saw the whole thing.

I haven't seen it.

I love it.

It's pretty good.

I only watched the first three.

Did you see Jude Law?

There's a dubstep King Arthur.

I think I talked about it a little bit, and Jude Law just plays the gay king.

A dubstep King Arthur?

No, it's like

a Boz Luhrmann thing.

No, it's a Guy Ritchie.

Yeah, like a Guy Ritchie.

The new King Arthur is Guy Richie.

King Arthur's got a McElmore haircut,

which is now a fashion haircut.

They got taken away from McLemore.

That's his biggest contribution to society: a haircut that repopularized fascism.

So take that white privilege part, too.

Well, actually, McElmore is Richard Spencer.

McElmore got fat.

Richard Spencer, featuring Ryan Lewis.

When I was in the third grade, I thought I was an Aryan

because of my blood clarity.

When I was in third grade, I thought I couldn't say the word because I was white.

And my mom said, go ahead and say it.

When I was in the third grade, I went to comic ping pong.

Oh, boy.

Yeah, I don't know.

It looks cool, though.

Jude Law being a gay villain is perfect, dude.

Dude, it's really well done because the show is so campy and queer because the institution itself is just like it's mean, gay, gossip guys wearing dresses that are like lords and have gold houses.

It's like it's really well done.

The tone of it is really good.

They are flossed out, dude.

Catholics are so flossed out.

They got fucking chains and shit.

They wear gold fucking robes.

I mean, for.

I guarantee you, Migos has a lot of the same clothing that

a fucking cardinal has.

Well, those slippers are Versace, right?

Or Gucci?

Gucci or Versace.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The red slippers.

I want Gucci loafers, dude.

To fucking.

If you think about it, the Reformation was the first culture war of the modern European history era because the Catholics, who were the metrosexuals, the coastal elites.

And then you have Martin Luther, who is a big fat guy with a bull cut and probably autism.

And he rebelled against them by shit posting.

That's in

95.

He's like hammering them on a wall.

You have to read this.

You will not ban me from comments.

Just a beer and herd.

Just the Christianity nerd.

Yeah, and he's like, well, the me just aggressive and murdered.

I mean, Martin Luther was such a piece of shit that, like, his wife had to remind him to, like,

empty his shit in piss pot because if he didn't, he would just stay in his room writing posts.

Yeah.

You know, it's the way phosphorus was invented

or, like, discovered.

And I forget who the scientists that did it.

No, he was just collecting his piss and keeping it in the basement for like months on end to do experiments with his own piss.

And that's how he discovered phosphorus.

And

essentially glow sticks.

Oh, from piss?

Yeah.

Glow sticks are just piss?

Well, you create phosphorus by boiling urine that's been left in a basement for like 40 days.

What?

Yeah.

You ferment piss, and then you boil it, and then it boils down into phosphorus.

Nice, dude.

Yeah.

Hell yeah, dude.

I'm about to make my own glow sticks.

Yeah.

That's like a fun Bill Nye thing to do with your kids.

That's what's going on at Common Ping Pong.

Is the Bill Nye uncensored?

Instead of dry ice, they're just making blow sticks out of piss.

Instead of the little volcano, the baking soda volcano.

Did you guys ever make a baking soda volcano?

Yeah, that was such a gimme in the fucking science fair.

Yeah,

everyone just make that volcano, which, by the way, is not how volcanoes work.

No, no, no.

That's bad science to teach kids.

It just looks like it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Not even.

Not even, really.

It doesn't have long.

Yeah, it's.

Well, you got to put food color in it.

Yeah, yeah.

Spread food color.

So true.

How about you do it, but then it's instead of of volcanoes, it's the beauty of menstruation.

If I had a son, I would help him make that project.

Just a paper-mâché set of

pussy.

Make a huge pussy.

Just a pussy.

Send him to the science fair with an exploding pussy.

And I'm like, you know, when they get mad, be like, I'm sorry, is there something disgusting about women's bodies to you?

Because I will call BuzzFeed.

That's the

kid that's always like, you know what I'm going to do when I'm older?

Yeah, become a breast implant doctor.

Gynecologist, look at pussies all day long.

Old ladies fucking ravaged by cancer pussies.

Just stick my head right up in there.

Dude, my ex-girlfriend was a receptionist at

Gynos, you know, whatever they're called.

At one of those whole clinics.

At a Jiffy Lube, if you know what I mean.

She worked at the gas repairs.

The gas stations.

She was a clam doctor.

She worked at Clamaco.

C Lou A.

Huck, Hawk.

MCO.

At the Pat Boys.

Double A.

Patty Boys.

There it is.

So she's a fucking Pat Boys.

Yeah.

Yeah, so she worked there and she was telling me that old ladies would have to come in because I guess you get old enough and, you know, your shit loosens up.

And if you go over like a speed bump or maybe ride in an elevator that goes a little too quickly, your cervix will just fall completely out of your pussy.

Holy shit.

And you have to go to the gynecologist to have them stuff it back in.

He's just punching it.

Oh my god.

I know.

He's like, Holstale gets a broom handle and just shoves it.

We were like having a snapple cap reset.

We were really not meant to live as long as we do now.

No, absolutely.

But especially women.

Right?

Thanks, man.

Boys, boys, chat podcast.

That's it.

You won't hear about any man's gonads falling out of his ass when he gets older.

Well, your balls do get really far.

I mean, you know, you go to the gym.

Hell, dude.

You've seen those, man.

I saw it today, yeah.

Yeah.

He was looking really nice, man.

Yeah.

Those shits were low.

Yeah.

Low-hangers.

I got low-hanging balls just generally.

Oh, yeah, really?

I can't even imagine as an old man what will happen.

Yes, I think I mentioned this before two separate women have specifically called my balls cool, and I don't know what to make of that.

Cool and what balls are like, yeah.

That means that your dick sucks so fucking

that they have to compliment your balls.

I have a bit that's good.

They won't even lie to you about your fucking dick.

All it means is I have a little dick.

There's something so obvious about whose size you should be complimenting that you just skipped right over.

Yeah, wow, you have a.

Well, your asshole is so normal.

Yeah, if I was like, wow, look at those big, juicy, pussy lips.

Let me mutter about those shits.

That is an immaculate taint.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's just calling like a baby.

You're like, well, at least your baby's healthy.

I love how big the space in between your tits is.

The big space.

Oh, fuck.

Ah, fuck.

We need to bring body shaming back, folks.

No.

No?

Okay.

No, dude.

We got a body pause.

Man, that's the thing.

Everybody's doing these what Steve Bannon looks like jokes.

And you look at him, and he might actually be objectively one of the ugliest people I've ever seen in my life.

Oh, yeah.

So it's like, I can't even

what he would say.

I'd feel bad.

I should see a doctor.

I think all bodies are beautiful.

Yeah.

I mean, D.C.

is also just filled with freak shows.

Matt Aglesius is a normal-looking person.

Oh, he's yeah, he's a normal-looking guy.

He looks like Matt Aglesius looks like that fucking hot air air balloon massacre that happened last year when all those balloons ran into each other.

Oh, oh, oh, at the fucking parade.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it wasn't at a parade.

He's 90% fupa, though.

There's a Texas, yeah, there was a Texas hot air balloon

fiasco.

Really?

Yeah, it was a huge story.

Like fucking like 30 people died.

What the fuck?

I never heard about that.

Yeah, it was like maybe

three or four months ago.

Yeah.

What?

We're doing our hot air balloon race to protest Sharia law.

We're going to fly a balloon in the shape of the Bible and a balloon in the shape of the Koran to make a point.

Well, they drew Muhammad on the balloon.

And then Muhammad himself struck it down.

Yeah, no, that definitely happened in Texas.

Let me see.

I don't remember that shit at all, dude.

I'm definitely looking it up right now.

I can't believe I haven't heard of this.

Holy shit.

I just like, I thought you were talking about

when they do balloons for a parade and they're they're deflating them and they just look like they're eating each other's asses.

Because it's like Spider-Man eating spiders.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hold on, Texas.

That's good shit.

Texas Balloon Massacre.

No, that's some good shit.

Oh, fuck.

Come on.

Let's see.

What do we got?

Yeah, I don't know.

I was trying to look it up.

Pilot

at the worst of the massive ship.

Yeah, pilot in deadly Texas balloon crash had drugs in his system.

Uh-oh.

Oh, man.

You know what?

That guy sounds cool as shit, though.

He should be played by Matthew McConaughey in the movie about that tragedy.

That should be the real song.

I just love balloons, and I love ketamine.

If there's two things I love in life, it's ketamine and driving my fucking balloon.

He killed, it says he killed 15 people and himself.

Oh, yeah.

Which is a long way of saying he killed 16.

Yeah.

Holy shit.

That's got to be the deadliest hot air balloon incident of all time.

With a Hindenburg?

I would love to see a hot air balloon fly into the Freedom Tower.

Just some guy like, oh, my God.

Just bounce off.

It sort of presses in the window and inflates.

Yeah, it bounces off and actually crashes into the mosque and killed the ground zero.

Bad terrorism is the funniest thing.

So good.

That's why Four Lines was so good, man.

It is a great fucking movie.

Oh, it's so good.

Yeah.

It's Chris Morris, right?

Yes.

Is that the guy from, what's it called?

He's the guy with a fucked-up skin that was The Day Today.

Yes.

Yeah.

Have you ever watched clips of that?

Oh, he's incredible.

It's like the...

It was like a much better.

I think I've already gone through everything I've seen and read on the podcast already.

I'm out of cultural references.

What about...

Let's see here.

What about A League of Their Own?

I've actually never seen A League of Their Own.

Really?

It's good.

I don't think they deserve a movie.

You know what?

I confused it always with Major League, so I assumed I seen it.

Major League's good also.

It's okay.

I'm not a huge fan of it.

Isn't that like the biggest alt-right guy on Twitter uses what's his name?

He's gone.

They kicked him off.

Oh, did they?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

The dude that used Charlie Sheen for Charlie Sheen's Major League character is a big one.

That guy would be alt-right.

That guy, that guy, the guy who used that, the alt-right guy, he was the biggest fucking Carl Diggler fan in the world.

Really?

I'm not kidding.

Yeah, he loved every.

And sometimes, like, in the primary, you'd be like, all right, these guys also shit on the media.

So, like, maybe they would find this funny, too.

But even the stuff that was like kind of apolitical, like, the dumb jokes we would write about, like, Carl going to Family Court.

Family Court.

He'd be like, this is hilarious.

And

we were like, this is R-O-S-S.

We're going to make all the Nazis autistic.

Yeah.

Very autistic.

I just found out that the prison planet guy is British.

Ball Joseph Watson.

Yeah, isn't that weird when you first actually watch one of his videos?

Yeah, yeah.

And you know, because you see his face.

His avatar is hilarious.

It's so funny.

It doesn't look like him at all.

No, not at all.

And you assume he's an American because, like, he doesn't talk about British shit.

Yeah, he's never

Trump in America.

He's not talking about it.

And then you watch his videos and he's like, the problem with these fellas is

political correctors.

He's gone completely cuckoo cuckoo.

Yeah, he looks like a geek squad member.

He's like the biggest Instagram thought type dude with that fucking Abby.

He looks like he's in a Tom Clancy movie with that shit.

I don't know this guy at all.

Paul, what's his name?

Something.

Prison Planet?

Paul Blarn.

Prison Planet Paul.

Paul Blar.

Paul Blar and Prison Cop?

Yeah.

Oh, fuck.

Yeah, he's.

I mean, he sucks.

This Stefan guy also sucks really bad, too.

Dude, have you ever read the bio on his website?

Stephanie?

He looks like a shitty, like a skinny Louis C.K., sort of, right?

He has this bio on his website where it's like...

Oh, that he got raped?

No, it was not even that he got raped.

He was like, in 1963, an innocent and beautiful boy was born.

About himself, right?

And he was subjected to systematic torture, humiliation, and imprisonment.

But that's what it took to birth one of the world's greatest geniuses.

And later you find out it's Albert Einstein.

He's talking about.

That boy grew up to be Maureen Todd.

But later you find out he's talking about getting circumcised.

Like, that's entirely what he's referring to.

Wait, he's an anti-circumcision.

Oh, of course it is.

Of course he is.

I ran into those guys once in D.C.

on the way to Capitol Lounge, that show on Capitol Hill, and

they were protesting male genital mutilation.

And I walked up to them and I was like, well, you know, I'm Jewish.

I didn't have a say in it.

So, like, I never knew what that was like.

And it was the weirdest cross-section of society.

It was like,

it was like a really angry old queeny guy.

Really?

He was like, they're taking the foreskins off the babies.

He's mad.

He's mad there's some dick he can't suck.

Yeah, yeah.

And then like, some like, and then like a small like Korean dude.

And like, it was just like the strangest conglomeration of fun.

That is a fun

group.

And then so I asked them, I was like, what do I do?

So they're like, yeah, you have an objectively worse dick.

I was like, is there anything I could do?

They're like, yeah, there are reattachment options.

Really?

Yeah, but I'll never regain the full sensitivity of a foreskin.

But I could get

a cosmetic foreskin reattached.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dude, I want that.

I'm sort of a circumcision extremist where I think boys should have their entire penis cut off and then placed into my mouth.

Dude, that's what a kid is.

You want to cut off, but in your mouth is the best stance.

You're not actually sucking them off.

Yeah.

You just want them like holding your mouth.

You get under it like a baby bird.

I have them sniff it.

I remember in middle school, that's what

a kid told me that.

Like I'm the mama bird feeding the worm.

You just swallow it whole.

Yeah, like a key that I'm trying to keep from someone.

There's this juggalo kid in my PE class, and after 9-11 in like ninth grade, he goes up to me.

He's like, he's like, you're Jewish, right?

And I'm like, yeah.

He's like, well, doesn't that mean you don't have a dick?

And I'm like,

I was like, no, I have a dick.

I love what they're teaching him a juggler school.

That's why they fucking bombed the Twin Towers.

Sing Heil.

And I was like, all right, dude.

I'll talk to you later.

I mean, yeah, the Jews.

That's why Muslims bomb the Twin Towers is because Adam doesn't have a dick.

No, Israel bombed the Twin Towers because they were mad that they don't have a dick.

And they made it look like it was.

Ooh, such a bad dick and so little of it.

You know, actually, in the Hellenic period of the Hebrew-Hellenic period, where Alexander the Great and the Macedonians had possession of ancient Israel,

the golden years,

the best years.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

There was a Hellenization period where they would sort of like, you know, cultural erasure of Judaism.

Yeah.

They would, like, for Jews to become full citizens, they would have to recircumcise.

They would have to, like, attach foreskin back on their dicks.

Yes.

Like, imagine the fucking kind of surgery methods they had back then.

Oh, my God.

That was literally.

I mean, how would you even do it?

They had pretty good surgery back then.

To me, that was great.

Yeah.

No, I mean, the Greeks had

treponing.

You know, they could peel your fucking scalp back and cut a hole in your skull to reduce brain swelling.

That's pretty complicated.

That must have fucked your shit up, right?

No, we still do that now.

Really?

Yeah.

Damn.

If the brain is swelling to reduce pressure on the brain, you remove a part of the skull and pull a metal cap over it.

Damn.

Yeah, they did that in Deadwood, too.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

The Greeks knew about that shit.

Oh, yeah, dude.

Yeah, we knew about all types of shit.

Well, that's the shit you come up with when your dick's so small that you have to be smart.

No, that's a different reason.

That's like, that's the Greek national anthem.

No, dude.

If your dick is small, you have to be smart.

Because that is our situation, by the way.

Our dicks are very small.

No, dude, that's all.

And we showed them all.

We had a small propaganda.

We showed everyone our small dicks in the statues, and then we didn't realize that that wasn't a normal size.

Yeah, okay, look, listen.

So after the statues, right, we cannot defend the size of dicks

on our statues.

The rest of the world isn't an error on our dicks.

There was one guy who was good at making statues who had a really little dick.

The rest of us had

a nice size.

The Romans sold our culture, except for the tiny dick part.

So they're not so rude that they gave all their statues bigger dicks.

No, that's why they won.

The Nazis fancied themselves neoclassical, like a neoclassical, like the new Roman Empire.

So they built a lot of these, or they constructed a lot of these like Roman-style architecture buildings, and then a lot of these statues.

And Hitler was obsessed with having proportional penises

on the statues, like a smaller penis on the statue, because he wanted to promote the

that the Jew had a disproportionate penis, a larger penis.

What?

Yeah, dude, that used to be the thing.

The Jews had big dicks?

No, dude, in the 90s.

What?

Dude, like a hundred years ago.

Hitler believed that.

Hitler just owned himself so hard because with the micro pain.

Dude, a hundred years ago.

Well, that's where the black guy thing comes from is from like, you know, racist doing the same thing here.

Right.

Well, but and also, yeah, it's not true.

They have little dicks.

No, but yeah, actually in ancient Greece, that's right.

Now I'm remembering it.

There was like, you were made fun of for having a big dick.

Like there was like, they said you were like a monkey or something.

Priapis.

Priapis was the god of having a dick that was too large.

Oh, hell yeah.

yeah, dude.

Yeah.

And he fucked with that.

And well, there's a disease.

Priaprism is named after him.

He just looks like Stav with like a huge

drawing of you with the drink.

Well, no, there's drawings of him, and he's got like

a fucking wheelbarrow that carries his dick around.

He's got this

area.

He hit Athena's back walls.

This is the real hardcore history.

Mass hardcore everybody.

Anyhow, so this is how they would fuck.

There's a guy who listened to our last premium who is very upset about our misrepresentation of Rommel.

And then I said, how did we do it?

And then he wouldn't tell me how.

But he said that he got so fucking pissed off.

Why would you fucking let him get?

Yeah, Rommel was respected.

Patton loved Rommel.

No, he said that Rommel wasn't respected.

By who?

I don't know.

He's just an all-time guy who hates him because he's a lot of people.

I think he's a

Nazi enough.

I don't know.

I think he might be a Chapo guy, actually.

Who cares?

Yeah, what does it matter?

Our guys aren't really like the World War II patent guys, they're not?

Maybe it's the we got a lot of like you know, Civil War kids.

You know, Matt was a Civil War kid, uh, and you got guys like me.

Most of our fans are guys like me who know about one thing and it makes everyone think they're smart, but they're actually

I actually don't know that yeah, my thing is

Saudi MMA.

Exactly, we're zero knowing

that I know a handful of things about uh you know power tools, yeah, and then uh yeah, but and then where shit is at Home Depot, and then that's it.

I don't even have any expertise anymore.

I feel stupid as shit.

I used to know like a few things, but now I don't know shit, dude.

I literally, and I don't even like

30 Rock.

Yeah, that's a funny show.

Yeah, like that's, I don't know what to talk about, like what my interests are.

I don't have, I don't fucking care about it.

Yeah, no, I mean, 90% of my life now is I watch something that everyone else is watching, and I go, ah, this fucking sucks.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And that's it.

That's my entire personality.

That's how I'm navigating.

I don't even watch it.

I sit through conversations.

People like, it's fucking stupid.

And then it tricks a couple people, and they're like, oh, this is insightful.

And that's really all you do.

What I do is now, you know, I play GTA 5.

Hell yeah, me too.

Pain.

Momentarily pause it to answer DMs where people are like, have you read this?

And then me, just because I'm seeing the question, have you read no?

No, I haven't.

But I'm going to.

Never have.

Never read anything somebody's told me to.

Yeah, I don't think I've read a non-fiction book in the last 10 years.

All I read was that Hannah Rent book that you guys were snoring when I was trying to tell you about on the podcast.

Yeah,

fucking doing it.

Oh, yeah.

Mention it again, bitch.

Wait, did you see that?

Uh, Piers Morgan

tried to own someone on Twitter

for like that was insulting him and he was like, yo, incredibly ugly.

And her avatar, the person's avatar was a picture of Hannah Arendt.

That was my friend Emmett.

Emmett Rensen.

That was your friend.

Shout out to Emmett Rensen.

Yeah, yeah.

Emmett does, he will admit this.

He himself does kind of look like Arendt as a guy.

Yeah, but it's pretty fucking funny.

He made fun of

a dead woman.

What's up with Pierce?

Why does he have a Trump?

He's Trump and he's anti-gun.

Why did he get to have, didn't he have Larry King show after he went

retired?

Yeah, yeah.

Why?

They gave it it to him.

He was just some British guy.

He was a tabloid.

He needs to come back.

They should reboot Max Headroom.

Yeah.

America needs Max Headroom right now.

Who is that?

It was a show of weird robots.

It was fuck.

What's that actor's name?

He's a character actor, but it was like a computer-generated, it was like the world's first computer-generated TV host.

But that would be a thing that you could reboot, and everyone would be on board with it.

You know,

yeah, but you got it.

Now, Max Headroom has to show off his titties.

You got to have pan down.

And then you see he's got a big old juicy pair of fucking fat titties.

Oh, boy.

I don't know, man.

I never watched fucking Max Hedrim.

I'm just trying to keep this one going.

I'm about to pass out.

I've got a brain parasite.

Yeah, what's wrong with you, dude?

I don't know, man.

I got a cold or something.

I've had a bad cold.

You know, she said, fuck, it's just a kind of cold.

Did you do it today?

The 31st?

You haven't seen it?

No, I haven't.

Because I got to call them.

He's not not getting held in trance.

Yeah, I'm not getting held in trance.

Come on, man.

The fans are depending on you.

It's really easy.

It's easy to get it through like Oscar.

That's what I have.

I have catastrophic.

Okay.

What is catastrophic?

It's like.

That means if you're like fucking, yeah, if you're fucking heart-blowing, if you need like a triple bypass, you only have to pay $80 million for it instead of $90 million.

Wow.

Is that also $150 a month?

No, way more than that, dude.

It's like $350.

Catastrophic?

No, no, no.

Mine's only $160.

Oh, okay.

But what's your deductible?

$7 million?

Yeah.

That's probably me.

Yeah, it's bullshit.

Look, I'm going to be honest.

I mostly did it because

so, like, my family would stop yelling at me about not having health insurance.

Yeah, my parents did not.

I mean, look, I really, now that I think about it, this is stupid.

I really should have just lied.

Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah, you can get group-ons for dentists, apparently.

It's like cheaper than health insurance.

Yeah.

No, what's going to happen is they're going to fucking, nobody's going to have health coverage, and the markets will adjust because of libertarianism.

And eventually, going to the doctor to get a heart transplant will cost $50.

And you'll need a group off.

You know, because the markets are perfect.

The markets are beautiful.

You'll never let anyone die.

No.

It's never happened.

Think about all the wars in history.

They all happened because of regulation.

Regulation.

World War I.

Regulation.

I would actually be red tape to fuck hotter women if it weren't for regulation.

That's actually my point.

Because they made rape illegal.

Regulation is.

That's regulation.

My dick is my business.

It's my dick LLC.

Jesus.

As long as you register it as a business entity, it should be allowed to rape.

My dick is an S-Corp, so

I jack off during that.

That's rare.

My dick is passing through it.

Yeah, it's nice.

I have a C-shaped dick.

I love business, dude.

I saw one of those ANCAP guys, like the super libertarian guys the other day.

He was like giving his theory.

He was doing one of these tweet storms that everyone fucking does does because of the game theory guy now.

But he was like, you know what?

And relationships work a lot like business.

If you do twice what your employer expects of you, they'll fear you and wonder how to keep you.

And it's like, no, they won't.

Yeah.

What the fuck?

I suddenly have a strong memory of Bill at GameStop.

I talked about him.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He was working 73 hours a fucking week.

Just getting taken advantage of by that corporation.

I've seen him.

I'm there with him, and it's like fucking, you know, seven o'clock in the morning, and he's on a fucking ladder doing some shit.

And I'm like, Bill, why do you work all these hours?

And he's like, well,

I'm only obliged to work 45 hours a week.

But when my employers see me working 73 hours, they tell me, you know, you're doing a great job.

And I'm like, that doesn't translate to more money.

We're a fucking raise.

And he was like, well, when they tell me, you know, this, you know, there's going to be good things in store for you.

I'm like, Bill, they don't promote from store manager.

You have to have a a fucking degree to become a district manager.

It's just never, you, there's literally no reason for you to do this at all.

Yeah.

It's like a guy getting a job as a janitor in the Senate, and he's like, I'm going to work my way up to say that.

Basically,

he wants to be like the Lieutenant Winters of GameStop.

I mean, that, like, that's libertarian is being a libertarian is just being a cuck for business.

Absolutely, dude.

It's trusting business.

Like, business will fuck your ass.

The Nestle guy wants to make water, says it's not a human right to have water.

Well, it's also, too, is like, you know, it doesn't even need to be big business.

If you look at, like, you know, all this emphasis on small businesses or whatever and how small businesses get fucked over as if small business isn't as much or not more so devoid of fucking empathy as big business is.

There's some of the shittiest people I've ever worked for were like a guy that owned like one franchise

of a restaurant.

He'd figure out any fucking way to cheat you on your paycheck.

100%.

And he do it with a smile on his face because, you know, we're all in this together.

It's like, really?

Because

you're not paying for my health insurance.

I'm making $5.50 an hour.

They'll fuck you over.

They would pay you.

That's why a minimum wage exists.

Those motherfuckers would pay you nothing.

They fuck small business owners more than anybody.

They're not a fan of a servant if they could.

100%.

The worst job I ever had was working for a small business.

Yeah.

As far as treating me the shittiest.

And I look like every fucking four years, every asshole Democrat that wears the same Carhartt hunting jacket in Iowa to pretend that he does anything but fucks kids in pizza restaurants.

And every Republican does the same thing to pretend like he isn't flying on the Lolita Express.

They stumble around Iowa and talk about how heroic small businesses are.

Like they're not just all things that happened because someone did cocaine and had a plan to exploit people.

You know, one of the best jobs I ever had?

Working for the government, man.

Federal government.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Dude, I fucked up.

Oh, yeah.

You show up late.

They don't fucking care.

They don't care.

You should never get fired.

Here's the scam of the Republican Party, though.

Sorry.

But the scam is that they believe in small government.

So they say they want to get rid of

civil service.

But what they do is they just farm it out to private contractors that they pay like three times more.

Dude, you know how much?

Yeah, like fucking Deloitte and fucking companies like that.

Oh, they just rip off the government contractors.

They're taxpayers.

It's fucking hilarious.

My friend worked there, and he was like, hey, you want to come to this company happy Hour?

And I was like, oh, no, I can't.

He's like, yeah, it's totally free.

There's food and all the fucking booze is free.

And I was like, oh, bummer, I can't.

I was like, what is it, like a holiday thing or something?

He's like, nah, that's every Friday.

It's just like free booze and free fucking food just because it's all in the government's dime and shit.

Oh, 100%.

Awesome.

He worked for the, I want to say NSA or some shit like that.

He was a contractor for the NSA.

I worked for the Peace Corps in college when I was at GW.

I worked in the Office of Medical Services.

And it was sick.

I I was just, I would go through, I was basically filing for them, but I would go through all the workers' comp claims in the Peace Corps.

I was just reading about all the ways that people get fucked up on the Peace Corps.

Jesus Christ.

It was fucking amazing.

I'm sure there's a lot of fun.

It was so much fun.

Well, the best thing about federal jobs is that they

understand that if there's not something to do, you don't have to do anything.

No.

You just keep getting your money until there's something to do.

And fucking, there's no jobs like that.

Every fucking bullshit job you work,

you work at retail, you work in fast food.

They, you know, you say, well, when there's nothing to do, just find something to make yourself look busy.

It's like, why?

Why the fuck wouldn't you?

Yeah, just refold

of that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No, you scheduled me for these hours.

I did my job already.

You should be praising me on my fucking efficiency.

You just continue to pay me until 5 o'clock.

And they just, they can't do that.

I mean, I was working a temp job one time at the Lower Colorado River Authority,

which is some fucking bloated organization.

I don't know know what the fuck they do.

It's a government organization.

Maybe partially.

I think it's like half private owned or whatever.

Defund.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Defund that shit, bitch.

And, yeah, it just fucking sat there all day doing absolutely nothing.

And it was totally fucking.

Oh, no, the Peace Corps people that I.

Meanwhile, at GameStop, when I worked at GameStop, I would have to alphabetize the fucking DS games just so they would be ruined by children in like 20 seconds.

It's like, there's no reason.

Why do they need to be in alphabetical order?

There's 30 of them.

Just look at them.

None of them are behind each other.

Just fucking look at them and find one you want.

Well, the customers can't use their eyes.

I don't have to have everything in alphabetical order.

My boss right now at my job is the only boss I've ever respected.

She rules.

I mean, she's just a partner at a law firm that smokes a ton of tray.

I remember my fucking, when I worked at UMBC, I worked in the filing, I worked in the office of the graduate school, and my boss was just this fucking awesome fat lady named Kathy, and she just had like

diabetes.

Yeah, but absolutely, 100% had diabetes.

But she just did.

You know what I mean?

Funny is getting HIV for sharing diabetes needles.

That kind of needle sharing?

Sharing insulin

with your other cookie junkies.

Yeah, dude.

She was awesome.

She had like

she had Kathy fucking, her name's Kathy, and she had Kathy cartoons everywhere.

And she had like her best, her best bit was she had, oh yeah, just file it in the inbox.

And she had a sign that said inbox, and it pointed to the trash.

That's which is literally a Michael Scott joke.

Yeah, but whatever, dude.

She was awesome.

Yeah.

And I remember.

The office, sorry, but the office nailed that shit.

Absolutely.

Those kind of guys.

The one thing that bothered me about the office is that no corporate HR would ever allow that individual to be a boss of any individual.

When I worked at the car dealership, my fucking manager of the used car sales was this guy, Chuck.

And Chuck, we all worked in like a double wide trailer with all these cubicles in it.

And Chuck called every, he's like, all right, team meeting.

Everybody out here?

You know, and we go out into the common area.

He's like, sir, I just, I got to read you all this email that I got.

This is

what a woman says and what she means.

We're all standing there, and he's like, you know, we all have work to do.

And it's like,

you know, so it's like when she says yes, she means no.

You know, she says, I'm tired.

It means like you're not getting any tonight.

And it's like the most trite bullshit.

Jokes that were hacked like 70 years prior to the invention of email.

But he loved chain emails, and he would print them out.

He wouldn't just send them to the rest of us.

He would print them out and then read them to us.

Yes.

And I remember I was sitting there and one time and he's like,

so he's like, oh, I got to tell you this one I heard the other day.

He's like, so there's a,

so they find a bomb.

Well, it's not a bomb.

It's like a box with a bunch of wires coming out of it or something, right?

And there's a Muslim guy there.

And so they send one police officer in, and he's like, all right, well, you know, hands up.

You can't have like a bomb in here or whatever.

But, well, I'm messing it up because it's not.

Well, I don't know, man.

I'm telling you, it was great.

There was no more information.

That was it.

He didn't have anything on that fucking joke.

The worst place I ever worked was, I can't say the name of the company because part of the severance package after getting fired, because my girlfriend cucked me for my best friend.

Anyway,

but Adam worked at Blackwater.

I worked at

a company.

God damn it.

I worked at a media company.

What's Blackwater called now?

Is it still Z?

Academy.

Oh, yeah.

They changed your name like nine times.

Yeah, yeah.

Because they want to trick people into thinking it's not Blackwater.

Dippin' Dots is the new Blackwater.

I hope that Betsy DeVos just lets Blackwater take over the Department of Education.

That'd be cool.

You are in permanent detention.

I'm Commander Keacher, you little cocksucker.

Yeah, no, they should.

They should give the fucking Department of Education to Blackwater, and then your class kitchen will be period one, gym.

Period two, gym.

Period three, gym.

It's just paintball class.

Hell yeah, dude.

Dude, anyway.

That would be awesome.

You get a better education if they just taught children tactical combat, which they kind of start doing in kindergarten.

I don't understand why any four-year-old needs to know what stock, drop, and roll is.

Kindergarten, like, fucking jungle jungle gym shit, that's everything I've ever seen in an al-Qaeda training video.

Exactly.

Monkey bars.

Like, kindergarten is like, yeah, you learn the basics.

Here's like, you know, the alphabet.

Here's what you do if you're on fire.

You know, here's the proper way to hold scissors if you're running with them.

You know, you're running.

You're going to get to the cockpit.

Yeah.

I remember during Bush, they were showing us those al-Qaeda videos and they were just playing fucking duck, duck, goose, and shit.

We're supposed to be afraid of them.

Why do they do monkey bars so much?

How useful is that?

Is it just a visual?

Well, the infidel could never catch you.

They don't know.

You know, it's to have fun.

That's the first rule of al-Qaeda.

Have fun.

There's like an improv team finding an adult

roadhouse.

Number one rule is be nice.

Number two is respect the bar.

But anyway,

the worst job I ever had was when I worked for one of those new media companies that had like FIFA and like video game consoles and snacks and all that shit.

Because like I was the new guy in the office, and everyone at five o'clock would start beat start drinking IPAs and stuff from the fridge and playing FIFA.

And I was like, oh, this is cool.

And then I'd like go up to them meekly because I was new and I'd be like,

can I have a turn playing?

And they'd be like, there's not enough controllers.

I was like, oh, God, I'm back in fucking third grade again.

Holy shit.

Yeah, because probably everyone that worked at this media company was

emotionally stunted

from no one liking them at that time.

Oh, 100%.

100%.

Now, now I have this big media company and I can exclude the other kids.

People never grow out of that shit, especially not people in media.

Of who are they?

Kids who sat in the front of the class and reminded everybody of homework.

They're that for their entire fucking lives.

They're just snitches.

Yes.

Dude, those fucking companies, that's what the place I used to work for.

We're a fun kind of company.

Everyone stays till nine because this is where they have fun.

It's like, no, I have real friends that I do tight shit with, like drugs and stuff.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like, I don't drink IPAs, you fucking losers.

Yeah, that's just, it's just a trick to get you to work for.

What was exactly?

What was the.

Remember in the early 2000s, late 90s, like the Office of the Future always included people doing razor scooters down the hallway?

Oh, my God.

Do you remember that?

Yeah.

Razor scooters and then sitting on the fucking yoga balls.

Or the lodge of the scooter.

Everyone has those balls.

My friend, like my friend, who's a reporter, he got invited to go to BuzzFeed's main office.

and he comes in there and Ben Smith is the EIC at the time just gave him a tour around the office while riding a segue

and he wasn't even like trying to recruit him or anything he was just trying to show him like oh my god he's cool now or something because again that is you know all these media people off did you did you read that thing I think was it the New York Times that like the story about Mike the Mike offices oh yeah yeah where there was like you know they're like they're all millennials or whatever it's like one girl was complaining to the CEO because something was cultural appropriation in the office or something along those lines.

Someone will complain.

They're like a month later, she was fired for

different reasons.

Yeah, I love that shit.

It's still just bros, but they just have fucking more tech and shit around.

Yeah, it's just bros with mockers.

Yeah, they're like what Felix said.

They're fucking losers that...

get to finally be the bros or like the the cock of the walk right right right and then they're they're like yeah they're they're fucking dorks.

They're in time.

Plenty of bros get mixed in there, I feel like.

Bros are insidious, dude.

Bros are the most the best salesman, the best salesman at the dealership was this bro who had just gotten out of jail for attempted murder.

Yes.

Hell yeah.

Which the story was he was at some party and like this was he was one of those guys that like he goes to parties to get into a fight.

Hell yeah.

Oh, I love that.

They're like, yeah, we're going to this fucking, this, you know, this banging party later, and this dude Mike's going to be there.

So me and my boys are going to fuck him up.

It's like every night there's a fucking fight you have to have with somebody.

Me and my boys are gonna get super pissed tonight.

That's like the kind of guy that just goes to a stand-up show just to the heckle.

I guess so him and this other guy, yeah, the story was something like with a sock with like master locks in it and he bashed some fucking dudes at him.

He's just

sock passing and killed him.

No, well, that's why they got him with like an attempted murder and I guess he did two years for that.

But he was like such a nice guy, you know.

He just loved to fight.

He was the best salesman at the dealership.

and he didn't know shit about the fucking cars either.

I love that.

He crushed it.

Yeah, because people will be like, Yeah, I'm looking for a car.

He's like, Whatever you need, bro, I fucking got you.

Like, what kind of SUVs do you have?

He's like, I don't know the answer to that, but I'll get back to you.

Just that positivity, just that fucking

oh, I'm not sure.

Yeah, that price is great.

We sold, uh, we sold navigators, Lincoln Navigators, back when those were hot.

Yeah, yeah, I remember that kind of took over, and there would be lots of guys that would come in.

It would be like, you know, a 17-year-old that's like, I got $19,000 in cash.

And I'd be like, all right, well.

Say no more, sir.

Let's get this quick.

Let's make this sale quick.

So I don't remember your face.

Yeah, you make this sale like a robbery.

I'll lay down and I won't look at you.

Just leave the 19 grand.

Yeah, dude, I love that dealership.

There was this Pakistani guy that worked there that was like the fucking funniest dude in the world.

And there was this one time where this woman wanted, we had on the lot this like

Jaguar-esque type that this black woman came in that she wanted to buy.

And she was clearly trans, like clearly trans.

And fucking, I forget the fucking dude's name.

I'll just call him Vikram because I can't.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But he was like, man, look how she is so fucking hot, man.

She's so fucking hot.

And everyone's like, you know, that's a man, right?

I mean, that's not.

Yeah.

You know, that's like a.

I mean, mean, this is before, you know, people were sensitive about what fucking.

You can mischief.

Remember he, she, remember, we used to say hey.

She's a female.

People are like, that's a fucking she-male.

It's still she-male in porn.

That's the last, like,

yeah, it's still, like, on the tabs, it's still labeled she-male.

Well, anyhow, so he keeps saying, he's like, he's saying, like, oh, yeah, I want to fuck this.

I want to fuck with her.

She has such a fat ass.

She is so.

Like, a man would not have an ass like that.

He's like saying all this shit.

And then they get

her ID to fucking run run it for the test drive or whatever.

Of course, it says sex M, you know, and the idea.

And fucking the finance guy, this guy Juan's laughing at him.

He's like, You wanted to have sex with a man.

And then the guy just gets pissed.

And like, he just looks at him.

He's like, Motherfucker, look at you.

You are like nine, ten months pregnant.

You dare laugh at me.

Something about nine, ten months pregnant.

It's so fucking funny.

You just burn him so hard.

He's like, You fat fat piece of shit.

Look at you.

Good for fucking Vikram, dude.

Yeah, dude.

That dude was fucking hilarious.

Getting down with us, a trans woman.

I wish I kept that job longer.

Just for the culture.

Oh, yeah.

Do it for the culture.

Yeah, and then in retrospect, I feel like I got enough out of it.

Probably.

Well, that's going to be it, folks.

Thank you for joining us, folks.

Thank you, Felix.

This was

Felix, for being on.

This was

BDF.

What's it?

BDF, Felix.

Oh, yeah.

All right.

Well, you want to hit that button over there?

I got you, homeboy.

Come to our shows.

Yeah,

on the 21st at Caroline's and the 28th or 27th at Come On Everybody.

We'll plug it again.

All right.

Bye, you guys.

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