Ep. 37 – Goldust Wasn’t Gay

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Hello, folks.

Oh, fuck.

I feel like I'm going to throw up.

That wasn't a good idea, dude.

Coffee, we were going to order chicken and waffles, and then Stav fatly bullied everyone in to get it.

That's absolutely not good.

Sushi is better for you than shit.

It's got the fat move.

The fat move was your stance to get fucking fried chicken.

To get breakfast food for breakfast.

It's 12:30.

It was 12:30.

We were making that decision.

Breakfast just means the first meal you eat in a day.

Just because you're a bitch ass woke up.

Yeah, it's technically breaking the fast, right, of not eating.

That's what it means.

Yeah, breakfast is 10 a.m.

McDonald's breakfast rules, 11:30.

They change.

Again, explain to me again.

McDonald's breakfast is all

this is in the middle.

I was going for the healthier choice while you're trying to get a healthier choice, dude.

100%.

No, it's a matter of fucking calories.

You know, I mean, I can eat a normal amount.

It's not a healthier choice when you have to have like six rolls of sushi and a soup and a salad.

Three, my bitch.

Salad is good for you.

Miso soup is basically just fucking water.

So healthier as far as I'm concerned.

Oh, I want to throw up, dude.

With all the coffee and the sushi.

It's because you're dying.

Well, you also had two large coffees.

Yeah.

Well, I need them to wake up, otherwise, I get headed.

There's something about this apartment.

It's voodoo cursed.

Yeah, no, there's something.

I felt sick.

Remember when I was sick as shit?

Yeah.

And I would, and we hung out here a couple days, and I was like, man,

my cold isn't going away.

And I just stayed home for one day, and I was fucking fine.

Yeah.

I think there's these fucking cats, dude.

Yeah, no, it is.

There's too much dander and shit.

It's kind of cat fever.

Cat scratch fever, Dan Huja style.

That's probably what it is.

We're watching the new Tim Allen sitcom.

Not new.

It's been on since 2011.

2011.

It just wiki.

Well, most people don't know about it, so that makes it new.

But it's crazy that it's been out for six years and we have never heard of it.

I've heard of it, I knew what it was, but uh damn, we get it, dude.

Stop bragging.

No, I pay attention to television considering I work in this industry, don't have a future.

I'm an artist, dude.

I'm a fucking I go right to the crowd, man.

You and your corporate fucking entities, not me.

Nah, man, anybody I know that, like, has a TV writing job, they watch every show.

Yeah, they like still, like, you know, when people are like, Did you watch SNL?

I'm like, no, why would I watch SNL?

Right.

What is it?

1999?

If the Spartans ain't on there, if Sherry O'Tary ain't doing something weird with her eye,

she's not making her left eye twitch.

I'm not interested.

When people are like, oh man, last night's monologue, not the best.

Are you still watching that show?

Yeah, someone sent us or sent me a DM.

It's like, can't wait to get the Comeboy's take on Aziz Ansari's monologue.

I was like, I'm pretty sure none of us are.

I'm not watching.

I'm not interested.

I have a zero interest in watching.

And also, fuck SNL for the fucking.

I mean, this

suspending that writer for the Baron Trump tweet.

That shit's fucking crazy.

You don't even know her name, dude.

I don't need to know her name.

What's her name?

Robert Paulson.

Her name is Robert Paulson.

Is it Kate something?

Yeah, Katie Rich.

Yeah.

Shouts out, Katie Rich.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's an official stance of our party.

We stand with Katie.

We stand with Katie.

I don't know who she is, and I'm sure she will have no problem.

I looked at her background.

She's like an

improv person.

I take that back, yeah.

Any other circumstance, I wouldn't give a shit about this person whatsoever.

But I just love that fucking fucking retard Cameron Esposito.

She tweeted, uh, she goes, uh, she goes,

This is going to sound extremely accurate, but uh, a lot of uh male writers say a bunch of bonker shit, and they don't get fired.

And it's like, yeah, that's the takeaway from this, that we're not firing enough comedy writers.

No, don't get me wrong, Katie Rich should be fired for what she for

political satire.

Damn, that's a hard time.

Which is her job.

But the problem is that we need to fire more men.

Wow.

Thank you, Cameron, for such a genius fucking take.

Right, the problem isn't that we have just started going after people for the words they say, and now that the tables have turned, we're also fucked up.

That's not the issue.

Oh, yeah.

The amount of comics I saw on Twitter are pretending like this is a fucking precedent being set and not a direction that we were headed in for two years.

And anybody who is reasonable, more than two years.

Well, no, mostly the last two years.

2014 is when this shit started to go real crazy.

And when I went, you know, anybody that fucking said, like, hey, you know, one day it's not going to be a bunch of fucking fat liberal women controlling the dialogue on this issue, and it's going to be conservatives that are going to come back into power, and they're going to use all this bullshit about how, well, if language offends somebody, you know, we should question whether or not

it has consequences.

Yeah, Yeah, exactly.

I just want to be on the right side of history.

Well, here you are.

You set this up.

You wanted this to happen.

You made your bed now.

You fucking lying it.

But also, fuck every Republican who's like, who was like.

No, good on them for learning from these people.

No, dude, come on.

No,

they said they looked at what people were doing with Daniel Tosh.

It wasn't the Republicans.

Republicans, though, it was fucking Lauren Michaels.

It was good for the Lauren Michaels.

It wasn't even a fucking thing.

He retweeted all the time.

Dude, it was, yeah, it it was people, it was fucking like

bikers for Trump that were that were scared because they got glitter blown on them.

Did you see that shit?

There were 900,000 bikers for Trump at the women's rally.

Yeah.

Man.

Doing wheelies.

Yeah, we're fucked.

That shit's, you know, it's, it's totally, this is the fucking I told you so moment for everyone that would say, you know, well, if rape jokes are off limits, where do you draw the line?

Right.

And then these people are like, just you draw the line directly in front of the things that I like.

Conveniently gerrymander

all the things that bother me.

And then we make those things off limits, and that'll never backfire ever.

There's never going to be any consequences.

The next thing that's going to happen is always believe rhetoric is going to be used to throw LGBTQ.

What is that?

Always believe.

Oh, no.

Always believe is part of campus sex assault to activists.

But I mean, I'm sure.

Oh, you always believe in that.

Always believe women.

Always believe rape accusations.

Always.

Because in some cases it's, you know,

the rare instance that it is false.

But then they're going to fucking appropriate that somehow.

How?

And what's that?

Like, believe who?

Believe probably children.

There'll be some new, like, you know, child.

Oh, children are being exploited by trans people.

And then, you know, why would a child lie about that?

And that's where you go from there.

But it's going to happen.

That happened in the 90s, though.

There's like certain ideas.

Yeah, it did.

it happened in the late 80s and it was christians that did it but yeah it it's like you know i i don't understand why like this didn't no this didn't occur to anybody right that this kind of shit would start happening that we have like an understanding of certain things that are you know codified in the law and should be you know uh expressed throughout our culture that you have freedom of speech you have freedom of expression yeah you don't try to get people fired for saying something you don't like the jokes are jokes it's fucking art and that no, we need to rethink these things.

Yeah, well, this is, we already did.

We thought about all these things.

Right, right, right.

For hundreds of years, and we got to this point.

It's also fucking disappointing that it's like, come, SNL as an institution is just like throwing a writer under the bus completely.

Yeah.

Where it's like, oh, now it's like, what happened?

First of all, you put Trump on TV, so suck my dick, number one.

And now when someone's doing their job, good joke.

It was a solid joke, you know?

It wasn't even that fucking offensive.

It wasn't about him.

She wasn't making fun of him for being fucking, you know, b developmentally disabled.

Well, here's what you do.

Do a joke where you call Baron Trump trans and then no one knows who to be upset at.

They don't know who to get mad at them.

Because to be trans is to be perfect, I guess.

And if you ever insult

if you ever insult, you deserve to be fired for writing a joke that punches you know down like that, whereas you should be punching up towards a mentally disabled boy who is in no way at fault for anything Donald Trump says or does.

Yeah, but you know, whatever.

It wasn't a fucking.

You shouldn't be suspended for you shouldn't be suspended.

But, I mean, there is really no defense of the joke and say there's no punching up there.

This isn't an incidence where, you know,

there's any way

by their money.

There isn't really a defense of Daniel Tosh, what he said.

I know, but the defense, here is what, here's what the defense is, that he's a fucking comedian and he's allowed to tell jokes.

But you were telling me that he was a joke.

And you're allowed to tell bad jokes,

threw that one out the window, so there really is no defense.

This is what you fucking wanted.

If you think this is again, if you think this is a precedent being set, examine your own fucking actions and opinions of that.

Examine that.

Examine that.

Check your privilege.

Yeah.

Check that privilege.

Take a closer look.

Yeah, so that sucks, Dick.

Get him.

However, we are watching good, clean, wholesome comedy right now as we speak.

Decidedly

conservative.

The Tim Allen show shows so much.

What's funny?

I was looking online, and

a lot of other people are trying to compare it to all in the family, and it's like, do you not know Tim Allen?

Right.

I mean, it's not social media.

There was no social point whatsoever.

If Archie Bunker was supposed to be the non-ironic hero of that,

then it sort of is like that.

Except now they have two screw-up liberal sons or like boy uh boyfriends of daughters.

And one is just

so liberal and obviously gay.

Yeah.

I love it.

Oh, he's like a graduate of gay conversion therapy.

Yeah.

He's like, he he passed he passed passed the program.

He got the certificate and the hard hat that they give you at the end of

whatever that is.

Yeah, they like make fun of him for thinking that global warming's a problem.

They're like,

why is the rising ocean a big deal?

Doesn't that mean there's more room for the fish?

And it's like.

They made that joke.

They made that joke.

This one's about

unions.

I can't wait to see what happens.

And they mentioned church a bunch.

And vaping.

This episode is about vaping.

Yeah, the show's the takes so far.

Anti-vaping, anti-union, pro-gay son.

As long as he's a bad person.

Pro-making fun of him.

Yeah.

There's a cracking-wise lesbian who is not allowed to wear skirts.

She's always been in pants in every situation.

Oh, the daughter's supposed to be a lesbian?

A vaping girl?

No, no, the other one.

No, the third daughter.

Is she a daughter or is she just a girl?

The show actually takes place in an alternate universe where everyone's gay.

And so these guys are all actually progressive because they've decided to have heterosexual relationships.

Oh.

So that's where the satire lies.

Oh, that's pretty good.

It's not Denver, Colorado.

It's Denver, Mars.

Ooh.

It's in its colony.

That was another nice riff on the show is explaining.

You ever do that shit where it's like you get so depressed, you start looking up terraforming?

No.

Those are my two go-tos.

These are I think about killing myself or it's like, man, what if I just lived on fucking Mars, dude?

How far away are we we from that?

You would say that.

It's like 3 o'clock in the morning, looking up how long it'll take before we can have a cloud city on Venus.

Can't you?

But somehow I'll be like, you know, I can escape my own fucking mental state and just, you know, wear

a problem.

That'll solve all your problems.

It'll be Lando, Calrizian, and Venus.

You would love to go to Mars.

You should apply.

You can go.

Yeah.

There's people that are going to die on Mars that can apply right now.

Maybe I will.

You could just build shit up there.

Yeah, it's going to be you and a bunch of sad men.

We'll do the podcast over Skype.

I mean, people used to do that shit.

You think about the guys that were like, yeah, I'll go west.

Right.

I'll go get fucked to death by a bear in the woods.

It was awesome that you could just, if you got tired of your life, you could just fucking buy a horse, just keep riding until you found a new city, and then be like, I'm a doctor.

I'm a woman doctor.

I'm a penny.

I accidentally killed 300 people.

You could murder people.

You just leave.

Yeah.

Well, the Telegraph changed all that because they could

wire your description to the next town over.

Even that, you grow mustache.

Then you become a road agent.

That's what I want to be, dude.

I want to be a good person.

It's a

good one.

That was a job for a long time.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You just people go on road and you protect them and kill Indians and shit.

Nice.

Yeah.

That's mostly what I want to do: kill Indians.

How funny it would be like the cowboy, the cowboy that's like, you know, like

I'm an engine scalper or whatever, but then you're like killing like Hindu people in New York City.

Just a nice immigrant family.

They were Zinjins.

Comanche.

Yeah, yeah.

Oopsie Daisy.

I love Astoria for that.

There's so many different types of fucking.

If you put a racist, an old school race, in Astoria, they would go crazy.

I feel like there are, probably.

There was like a woman in July.

Wasn't that where she was job and a fucking Santa hat?

That's like when you go to the Eminem store and they have a bunch of Eminem collars you've never seen before.

It's like a racist in Queens.

It's like a diabetic in that fucking Eminem flagship store.

Wasn't all in the family literally in a store.

Yeah, it's in Queens, yeah.

Yeah, but I'm talking about now.

Now, of course.

It's the most fucking diverse place on I've never fucking been to.

There's a lot of Muslims, a lot of.

There's some Slavs using the N-word.

South Americans.

So many Slavs.

Muslims.

You say it like that?

You say it like BBC style?

The works.

Muslims.

Muslims.

Muslims.

Muslim.

Muslim.

I'll say Muslimic.

You do hard Z.

Yeah.

Look out, Mooj.

Muz.

I go Muz.

Call him Muj.

Mujahideen.

Mujahideen.

That's such a cool word.

Mujahideen.

I want to sign up for the Mujahideen.

It sounds like a type of Cadillac.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

A Fleetwood Mujahideen.

Yeah.

What a Mujahideen Cadillac shooting breaks Seville.

Have you ever seen Four Lions?

What's Four Lions?

Lions.

It's like a British movie.

It's like a comedy about suicide bombers.

Really?

Yeah.

So what this show is, and Tim Allen's show, he's a vlogger.

Oh, the end of every episode is like his final, Jerry's final thoughts or whatever.

And they show his vlog.

That's where he makes all his money.

He's an outdoor man.

Yeah, in this show, he plays a millionaire vlogger who works at a gun shop.

He's really

culturally working class because he's racist,

but he's still like a rich man that's wearing like a $200 denim button-down shirt and just makes vlogs.

Yeah, that's the funny thing about this show:

because it exists in 2017, they have to have

people of color, but they're all just

security guards,

a cop, a lawyer.

Well, who this show is for is like, you know, it's for like, I've got an uncle that's like, you know, he was a contractor his whole life, but he owns his own contracting business.

So he's like, God, money.

He's got like plenty of money for being a construction worker.

Right, right, right.

And they identify with this.

It's like, you know,

I'm just a working man.

It's like, well, yeah.

You live a pretty comfortable life.

Yeah, exactly.

Your son is wasting all your money in acting school.

Right.

I do love when fucking just conservative people have the just most screw-up,

waste all their money, waste all their money-ass welfare.

On NYU?

Yeah, yeah.

Unlike me, my son, my son.

NYU is taking a lot of money from conservative parents, I'm sure.

How about

dramatic NY word?

What does the Y stand for?

I don't know.

It just popped into my head.

I got the N.

I'm pretty sure.

Sure, I just like this weird dizziness is affecting my ability to come up with jokes.

I'm going to start going in really weird directions.

I like NY Word.

What could the Y stand for?

Young?

Yeah.

Y-M-C-A.

It would have to be Y-N-word.

That would be more.

Y-N-C-A?

Y-Y-N-C-A.

Yeah, that totally works.

Yeah.

Young blank Christians of America.

Yeah.

Remember how everyone knew those guys were gay?

I remember being in like second grade, and it's like, yeah, you know, the village people are gay, right?

That was the best bit as a little kid.

Wah,

what's this guy?

Yeah, and

is this guy in the fucking YMCA?

Is he a homosexual?

I went to summer camp at the YMCA.

You did?

So you were gay as a child?

Yeah, yeah, I was gay.

I never got how that was.

Which one were you?

The construction worker, the Indian?

Yeah, yeah.

No, I was the road agent, dude.

That's why I got kicked out at YMCA camp.

I was killed.

You killed me and the gay Indian.

No, no, but.

You scalped his balls.

I just remember this.

Yeah, no, at the YMCA summer camp, there was this kid Anton that found a condom on the ground and thought it was a balloon.

You blew it up.

Yeah, of course it was.

Oh, no.

Who's just fucking using, leaving unused condoms around?

I don't know, maybe.

Like a Johnny apple seed of fucking condoms.

Sometimes you got to go through condoms, dude.

Sometimes you got to go through four condoms before you can stay hard to fucking conduct.

Johnny Positive Seed.

Johnny Positive Seed.

Well, he went around the country spreading HIV.

And that's the story of Johnny Positive Seed.

The village people stole a lot of valor there, you know.

I'm sure that guy wasn't really in the army.

He was, dude.

There was a guy stealing cop valor.

There was a guy stealing navy valor.

Construction worker.

The most important valor of them all.

Yeah.

Well, Tim Allen was stealing construction worker valor with this fucking show.

Absolutely.

You know, and it's so funny that he is like a conservative, considering he's a convicted felon.

Convicted Coke dealer.

Yeah, yeah.

That then was a stand-up comic and television star.

Yeah.

That is the most fucking liberal career path there is, honestly.

No, no, no.

He's a snitch.

He's an official snitch.

He is a snitch.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

That's how he reduced his prison situation.

Yeah,

he got caught with something like, you know, like 13 pounds of cocaine.

Nice.

Like, can you imagine how much cocaine that is?

And he dropped mad dimes.

Yeah.

I would snitch so quick.

Would you?

I would never snitch, dude.

No, you'd snitch.

You got to owe it to the guys that you're in cahoots with.

Well, it depends.

Who am I snitching on?

Is it you guys?

I always imagine myself as one of the characters in the movie Heat.

I've never seen Heat.

Oh, really?

What?

I want to really bad.

Retard.

Oh, you haven't seen me.

Man.

Yeah.

How have you not seen Heat?

How have you not seen it?

See De Niro Pacino.

I understand it when it's like an obscure reference or something, like gay shit Adams.

I tried to watch Heat, but I couldn't get it.

I don't know.

Something gay, though.

Yeah, sure.

One of those gay movies that you like.

Name a movie you like.

Okay, I'll write that movie.

Yeah.

Have you seen

La Fette du Tem du Croix?

It's 1938.

Dude, it's so good.

Nobody speaks.

It's just a woman looking at a feather for two and a half hours.

It gives you, you get like a you go into an epileptic seizure because, you know, it's just the lights flickering the entire time.

It's so good.

That does sound pretty good.

It's such a beautiful movie.

I cry.

I literally cry.

I'm like, excuse me.

Have you seen fucking Ready to Rumble?

Is that the one with the robots?

Johnny Knoxville playing in the Special Olympics?

No, that's the ringer.

That's the ringer.

The ringer.

Ooh, let's watch the ringer.

Yo, I watched Jackass 3D recently for the third time, so that's why I haven't seen movies like Heat.

Shit's good, dude.

Jackass is so Jackass is hilarious.

Jackass is the funniest movie.

It's so well-edited.

I don't think there's a funnier movie.

I fucking love that shit, dude.

They just dress up as ducks and then you just shoot them up in the air, and then you just shoot them with paintball guns.

And then they just like fucking went into a Ram's enclosure and played a tuba and got just got ramped by.

They just like funny costume, look stupid, and get fucked up by something.

Yeah, it's a beautiful format.

I think Jackass and Borat are probably for laugh for laugh, the two funniest.

Borat, the first time you see it, might be the best comedy of the video.

I thought I was gonna die the first time I saw it.

I saw it with my dad.

I saw it with my dad, too.

Yeah, really?

That's a good movie to go see to do.

I fucking love Titan.

I've never seen anything in a theater with my father.

The hardest thing.

I love for Titanic.

Me and my dad were dying at that line

when he's at the zoo, and there's that fucking giant turtle just eating like a head of lettuce.

And he looks at it and he's like, like, what kind of dog is this?

Fuck, man.

I love me some damn boy.

It's tough because it doesn't.

The repeat viewings aren't as good.

No, it's good, dude.

I watched it recently.

I watched it recently.

Probably because I hadn't seen it in a couple of years, I forgot some jokes.

If you don't watch it,

if you watch it every five years, that's the sweet spot.

I was howling.

Man, that's how I am with Band of Brothers.

I re-watch it like every year, and I'm right in the middle of it right now.

Also, never seen that.

Fuck, it's so good, dude.

I will see that.

It's so good.

I get like withdrawal after I watch it.

I'm just like thinking about Band of Brothers for like a month afterwards.

We should go to war, boys.

Yeah.

We should.

We should join Piss Big Grandad.

Yeah.

And

fucking watching.

Yeah, because we could go to war right now on Twitter against the Peppins.

No, keep going.

What should we do, stuff?

We should go to actual war, dude.

Yeah.

Fuck up some hang out with some cool Kurds.

Yeah.

And just fuck shit up.

That's going to be great.

There's girls.

When you go help people that are temporarily allied with the United States, and then three years later, you're just not allowed to fly anymore because you fucked up and chose the wrong one.

We would definitely choose the wrong one.

Yeah.

There was a guy that went to Libya to just cover

all the Arab Spring shit.

And at the time, the U.S.

government had no problem with it.

They were like, yeah, that's fine.

And then two years later, he was just not...

He had trouble getting back in the country.

He was on the no-fly list.

Holy shit.

And it took like, I think the AFLU helped him out, and it took like a long time to get him off the no-fly list.

But yeah, you should never fuck around with that shit.

If you want to, you know, live your life unencumbered in the United States.

We got to be brothers, dude.

We got to be a band of brothers.

Yeah.

Well, then, how are we going to go to war?

When we take over a fucking post office.

Now we're talking.

Yeah.

Now we're fucking talking.

We get camoed up.

Yeah.

We get the fucking.

What's the best kind of camo?

Not that digital.

For a post office?

Well, it's going to be be long fingernails, an extra large Dunkin' Donuts, chai cool chocolate,

a weave.

That's a good, you need that.

You need giant hoop earrings.

You need to not know fucking shit about anything going on at the post office.

You need to be very angry about the line.

Check.

Yeah.

We can do all that shit.

What about having a generally pleasant attitude?

Should we have that?

No.

Yeah.

Should we be annoyed that someone's asking us to do our job for 30 seconds?

Absolutely.

All right.

That's a good post office.

Yeah, we can do this.

Good post-office.

Excuse me, sir.

That is not my job.

No, it literally is.

I'm about to go on break.

Yeah.

I really, I respect so much.

Like, I wish I could be as assertive as a middle-aged black woman two minutes from her break.

Yeah.

Do you know what?

If I could have that in my life, you know what's a good

movie, but it has such a retarded plot point.

Literally retarded plot point is the

score.

Associating Gilbert Grape.

No, the score with fucking De Niro and

Ed Norton, where Ed Norton plays the retarded guy.

Oh, shit.

You haven't seen it?

No.

Oh, so basically, there's this customs office.

Like, Robert De Niro plays, like, you know, it's the usual plot, like, one last.

I'm doing one last job.

One last job.

And so the job is at this

customs office where they have this scepter.

It's like scepter that inside the scepter, there's like some million-dollar fucking thing or something.

Okay.

Something like that.

And it's just sitting in the bit in the lockup of this customs office.

They don't know how much it's worth.

So Ed Norton's like a younger thief, and he approaches Robert De Nieri.

He's like, I've been casing this place for six months.

I got a job in there.

And so he's working at the customs office, but his cover is that he's mentally retarded.

So half the movie is Ed Norton going into work, like,

I haven't seen that.

No, I have seen that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then they want to steal the thing and then sneak away.

Is that with Brando?

It's like, that is not how you keep a low profile.

You know, like

the place is going to get robbed, and they're going to be like, you know,

hey, wasn't there a retarded guy that works

that he's going to forget that

he's all the needs?

He needed someone to hold his dick to when he was at the urinal.

Brando's in that movie, right?

Yeah, Brando's in it for the first second.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I just love it.

There's a scene where he's in the middle.

He's so fucking fat.

He's on the couch in his big fucking, you know, like satin suit in the beginning.

And he's like, away, he's got got hats

i tell you i got such a good idea for you on this one and he's like just morbidly obese he wears a white suit yeah he just buy he just doesn't know how to sit in any way it's great somebody told me that he refused to be filmed from the waist down yeah he wasn't wearing he was just never wearing pants yeah

i've heard that too we watched it we watched it and you can see his pants so i was very disappointed it's so amazing that probably one of the most handsome men of all time ended up looking like that it's yeah it's pretty insane the transformation It makes sense to me.

You think you're going to get real nasty looking when you're older?

Well, I'm not one of the most handsome men in the world.

I will probably get pretty nasty looking at you.

Do you think

I'm going to be nice?

I feel like

I look better every year.

Yeah, you're going to look like Gnome.

Chomsky?

Yeah, yeah.

Gray hair, you know, 100

pounds.

Gnome Chomsky.

I'm going to look like shit.

I hope.

That's funny.

What's funny is I'm always like, yeah, I mean, I've just been fat my whole life.

I'll just stay fat and I'll be fine.

But then I realize, like, oh, no, my body's just going to deteriorate.

It's going to keep getting worse.

You don't just get to be fat as shit your whole life.

I'm not even 30 yet, and I'm like,

I've just, the last three days, I just have these weird dizzy spells all the time.

My favorite.

Yeah.

I think the years, whatever black Chinese mold you were fucking inhaling for two straight years has a terrible effect.

Yeah.

Even that weird place in Baltimore you lived.

No, that place is fine.

Was it?

Yeah.

With the clown?

With the clown, yeah.

Raped clown.

Yeah.

The clown that got raped.

Yeah.

The clown that had PTSD from Vacuum.

I think that's the genesis story of a lot of people.

I like that.

That guy was like, are you a joke I wrote when I was 13?

Yeah.

That really

does feel like you were in some weird movie where your fucking notebook from your first year of stand-up got possessed by the devil.

No, that guy was just like, what if a fucking Spencer's gifts t-shirt was a human being's life story?

Aren't those t-shirts like kind of like slutty?

Isn't that the Spencer's Gifts point of view?

I don't know.

Yeah, I guess.

Everything in Spencer's Gift is like, you know, you're 30 now, you fucking old piece of shit.

Stirs and pussy titty.

And then also just, yeah, dildo's for some reason.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I stole a shirt from Spencer's.

It was great.

That was my shoplifting days, dude, when I was a badass.

When I sold weed and shoplifted in 11th grade, you were a shoplifter?

Yeah, I stole

cockroaches.

I stole a biggie t-shirt

just to show him that I was a bad boy.

I just literally, and it wasn't even stealing.

It was like, I waited in line for 20 minutes.

I was like, I'm just going to walk out.

And then I just did.

I used to do that shit all the time at grocery stores.

Grocery stores are the best.

I would just pick up food and then start eating it in the store and then walk out.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, dude, I would go.

That was the rules.

I had my giant in Baltimore when I lived in Charles Village, that giant on fucking 33rd.

Yeah, yeah.

Every time I would pick up a to-go hot container and just put three pieces of fried tilapia in there and eat them while shopping, and then my dessert was a Lar bar.

And I stole probably over the one year I lived there, $7,000 worth of fish and lar bars.

I ate that.

Wait, aren't Lars bars like Luna bars?

Those like women's candy dudes.

Here's the Lar Bar.

A Lar Bar

shit, dude.

No, no.

That's a luna bar is women's candy.

A lar bar is like candy for women.

A lar bar is candy for like fucking

like low-carb mountain climbers.

It's like there's no there's no fucking you know mountain climbers.

It's just for women, dude.

No, dude, it's for women.

You've been

tricked by marketing.

No, it's for badass.

It's like people that like think that cliff bars are for like mountain climbers.

No, mountain that's no, I don't eat mountain l cliff bars.

I'm talking lar bars, bitch.

No added sugars.

You know, it's fucking, it's all natural.

It's just dates and cashews and chocolate and peanut butter and delicious stuff.

Sounds good.

It's good as shit.

But I also ate it with three pieces of fried tilapia every time, which is also very good.

Unlike a nice fried fish sandwich.

What do you boys think about fried fish?

They made a sandwich out of candy bars?

No, I didn't do that.

You didn't see it.

They literally just fucked our fish for a sandwich.

Nick lost consciousness for seven seconds.

I saw this motherfucker's eyes light up and his pupils dilate.

Are you okay, goddamn, dude?

Hello, Alpha.

This motherfucker's gonna die.

Yo, what if Nick died during that discussion?

Well, we wouldn't know how to upload the episodes.

Yeah, that would be the end of the show.

It'd probably be the end of your careers, also.

No, no, I'd be fine.

You'd be fine.

I'd be done.

Yeah, Adam would be fucked.

I'd be at Funny Moms next month.

There'd be three people there.

There'd be three people.

I'd be like, guys, Nick's coming back next week.

Yeah, weekend.

We'll just weekend at Bernie's Nick.

Yeah,

dude, I could record.

Yeah, I could record this.

Dude, okay, weekend database.

Is it possible it's cocaine withdrawal?

Could that be it?

You were doing a nice amount of cocaine.

Maybe that's it.

Maybe I should.

That also affects your fucking serotonin and your mood.

You know what?

It's weird.

I've been in a pretty good mood,

which makes me worried that it is like a brain tumor or something.

You've been more pleasant the last four days.

You know, when when people

have like the pituitary, you were like a relatively pleasant tumor.

The pituitary gland tumor where like you grow real tall.

Right, right.

How fucking sweet would it be if I had like gigantic tumors?

Isn't that no, no.

If I had like a tumor that like made me happy, made you happy.

And I get to die.

That's that actually is the best.

That's perfect.

Oh my gosh.

I'd be just like the nicest guy in the world for two and a half weeks before I like violently shit myself to death on a train.

That would be nice.

We'd really enjoy our time together.

Oh, fuck.

I'm sorry.

Then we'd be sad when you died.

Yeah.

You know, I don't know.

I know also if coffee is going to stop you from being dizzy.

Oh, yeah, it's not.

No, I make a horrible choice.

Yeah, why are you doing that?

You should drink water.

I drank water, dude.

Did you not see this big?

You barely drank.

You drank that whole thing?

Yeah, I drank the whole thing.

Oh, okay.

Good for you.

All right.

Well, good.

How about a tumor that...

Remember that guy who got a tumor and it made me want to fuck kids?

No, I don't.

That sucks, dude.

That happened to a guy.

Are you sure he wasn't just like, oh,

yeah, it's a tumor?

Because that was a Kurt Eichenwald, like, tried to fuck a boy.

Oh, yeah, that was weird.

And he's like, yeah, it's because I have epilepsy.

Or like Pete Townsend that was like, I was doing research.

Research.

That's the best.

Yeah, it's weird.

Yeah, my hypothesis is that child porn doesn't make me come.

Yeah, my hypothesis is that boy pussy feels good on my dick.

Let me go get, I'm going to get some multivitamins from my room.

Okay.

You guys chat for a second.

Yeah, that'll make you feel good.

Hey, folks, Nick here, and I've got some bad news for you.

I'm dying.

That's right, I'm dying of shitty underwearitis.

It's a new disease.

It's real.

You know, the

doctors know about it.

So

it's not a gimmick.

It affects 69 out of 420 American men.

And luckily, there is a cure.

And it doesn't require health insurance that you can't afford.

It's Macweldon.com.

Smart-designed underwear that's exclusively for men who like premium fabrics and easy online shopping.

If you go to MacWeldon.com and use promo code COMETOWN, you can receive 20% off your order and experience underwear that'll make you look and feel good.

Their silver liner products are naturally antimicrobial, so you can easily whisk away the stench of your previous shameful underwear that was probably killing you.

So upgrade yourself with a refresh kit filled with underwear for every occasion, folks.

Working out, going to the doctor, you know, working out at the doctor's office.

You know, maybe the doctor's a girl.

You should always try to impress your girl doctor.

You You know, everyone fluffs before a physical, but that's not enough.

You got to have nice underwear.

You know, maybe you can, maybe you can marry your doctor.

That would be pretty sweet, huh?

So go to MacWeldon.com, check out their selection, maybe get some shirts or socks or underwear.

They've got a lot of good stuff on there.

And if you don't like it, just let them know, and they'll let you keep the clothes and refund you the cost.

And remember, use promo code COMETOWN to receive 20% off.

Thanks.

Yeah, so okay, so let's plan out this weekend of Bernie's thing because Nick's probably got another couple weeks to.

Here's what we need.

So we take

glasses.

Hawaiian shirt.

Of course.

Clearly.

Yes.

The wardrobes, but what we really need to do is get episodes of the podcast and isolate him saying every

word and sentence.

Yeah, yeah.

So kind of like how they do Siri.

So then we could just write his dialogue.

Exactly.

And then just get him to say whatever.

Train the computer to know.

And then we make a Nick algorithm.

A Nick algorithm, so he'd just be like...

Heavy on trans.

Anyway,

trans diaper, diarrhea, trans diaper, trans.

Trans is perfect.

What else do we have?

We'd have to upload a huge knowledge of obscure UPN fucking TV shows.

Oh, that's not hard, dude.

You're right.

You just copy-paste the fucking Star Trek Voyager.

A random IMDb page on Wikipedia.

Well, there's a lot more deep cuts than Voyager.

That was their flagship series.

I know.

I know.

Talk about UPN.

Folks, you know, let's go.

Did you guys ever watch Stacked with Pamela Anderson?

Pigsty.

Yeah, VIP with Pamela Anderson.

Was it VIP?

Yeah.

Pacific Blue.

Was that UPN?

Pacific Blue.

Which one was that?

That was Cops on the Beach, Bike Cops.

Hell yeah.

They rode bicycles on the beach.

Sweet Valley.

Sweet Valley.

Did you watch that episode?

I watched an episode of that with Dana like a couple months ago online.

And, man, what a great show.

Never saw it.

Sweet Valley High.

It's like...

They're twins or something?

They're twins.

One of them is a hot one.

One of them is the smart one, but they're both incredibly fucking hot.

Wait, how can they be hot, dude?

So when the one is the hot one, it just means she's dumb.

Yeah, because they're identical twins.

Well, she's a bitch, too.

Oh, she acts.

She's more popular.

Right, right.

The other one's like, you know.

Because she can read.

Yeah, she knows how to read and shit.

Nobody likes her.

But there's, they have one episode where there's a kid in the school who's like the greatest musician in the world.

And he's just some like dumb.

He's supposed to be like a famous rock star or whatever.

Or a painter.

That's what it is.

He's a painter.

And he tricks the hot girl into letting him paint her naked.

And then the whole school sees the picture.

Jerry, she's like, once the school sees that, they're all going to think I'm a fucking whore or whatever.

So then they trick him into being naked.

And then that's the episode.

Oh, that is smart.

Yeah.

How big is his dick?

He actually doesn't have a dick.

What?

That's the moral of the story.

That's the moral of the story.

That anyone that's better than you in any way probably has a smaller dick than you.

That's what we learned, you know, with Donald Trump.

You know, he's got a small dick

because we don't like him.

He's got money and stuff.

He legit probably does have a small dick.

How funny it'd be if he.

I always thought it'd be great to redo the emperor's new clothes, but then, like, so it's the end, and the emperor is walking through the town, and everyone just sees that the emperor has the biggest dick in the world.

And then they kind of just all go home sad.

And then the moral of the story is that, yeah, no, life really is unfair.

No way to balance out anything.

Anything you want to accomplish, it's not going to happen.

Some people are rich, and you were born to die.

Yeah, dude, that would be a bummer.

If Donald Trump had a big-ass dick, I would be mad.

Yeah, yeah.

I hope he does.

Just because it would be funny.

It would be funny for people.

I hope Baron Trump has a really big dick.

He probably does.

He does.

He does, definitely.

He's a pretty big-sized boy.

I've imagined.

Yeah, no, it's weird because you see him around adults, and he does look like a boy.

He's like 10, but he's like.

He's huge.

He's like 5'11.

Yeah, yeah.

He's not 5'11.

And he's a handsome kid, is the funny thing.

The other two boys I feel like aren't that big.

I think Eric's maybe bigger, but Don Jr.

is shorter than his father.

Well, Baron Trump's mom was China.

China wrestler, yeah, yeah.

She was their surrogate, but it was actually Trump fucked her.

Yeah.

When he was on WWE.

That's the only way he would take a stunner is if he got to fuck that sweet China pussy.

That Joni Lawrer clit.

Jerk off that big old clit.

Isn't she?

I have a little respect.

Yeah, that's true.

R.I.P.

Yeah.

We're going to get fired from Cometown for you making that joke.

Shit.

Dude, I think really now we've crossed the line.

Because of making fun of Dead China?

Because of that.

Yeah.

I didn't appreciate how she hit men with the Loblow.

That was a sexist move.

You could do that to a girl and it still hurts.

But it would hurt the way, like, you know.

I was doing it to women at the march this weekend.

And

just pussy punching.

I was punching with women in the pussy.

She was like,

I was like, I thought, I was like, pussy power, it punched.

Yeah, yeah.

And then they were like, it hurts also, even though we don't have balls.

Damn, really?

So then I just apologized, and they said it was okay.

Did you guys ever play that

WWF no mercy on N64?

Yeah.

When you did the low blow, and it went ding!

Yeah, yeah.

I remember that.

That was awesome, dude.

Every time you hit someone in the balls, it was like a little bell went off.

It just made you want to hit them in the balls all the time.

Do you want to play that shit?

Yeah, hell yeah.

So

I have

a flash card for the N64.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, I have it live every game.

Hell yeah.

Yeah, we could do that today, actually.

If you just go, but we buy an extra controller, I'll plug that shit in here.

Hell yeah, dude.

I got to go.

Ben's still here, and I got to hang out with him.

Yeah, I got to go to the gym.

We'll do it, though.

We'll do it.

Yeah, I fucking love that game.

Also, it's so.

I was thinking about.

Have you guys seen the Jake the Snake documentary?

No.

Dude, Jake the Snake?

The Snakeumentary?

The Snakeumentary?

He has one of the worst lives of all time.

He was just like a fucking,

you know, addict.

I think his father raped his mother, and that's how he was born.

Oh, yeah, which is a very bane backstory.

Yeah, and his dad was a professional wrestler that didn't love him.

Anyway, the whole point.

It's a good documentary, whatever.

Why wouldn't that be your backstory instead of like, you know, oh, we'll use a snake?

Yeah,

that other shit's so much better.

Jake the bastard.

Yeah, Jake the rape product.

That's a much cooler.

Also, I'm not sure if that's true.

I think it is.

But

anyway,

they were interviewing a bunch of wrestlers, and they interviewed Goldust

out of his makeup.

Goldust rules.

He's just some white trash guy that loves wrestling.

Dusty Rhodes.

No, it wasn't Dusty Rhodes.

Yeah, that's Goldust.

Dusty Rhodes is a fucking

totally different dust.

What's his gold name?

Goldust?

Yeah.

I don't know.

But anyway, but it's just so funny to think you're just some white trash guy who loves wrestling.

All you want to do is be a wrestler, And he just gets the gay trans character.

Like, there's no way that

how you saw it.

He didn't get that, dude.

I feel like he kind of created that character.

Yeah, but you just find it's it's like it's like you're just finding a niche.

He'll do anything.

Goldust was insanely like progressive for its time.

I know, and especially in a time where every other wrestling character was like the black

guy.

Is that progressive?

I thought he was just like a hair metal guy.

No, he was gay as gay.

Yeah, he would like be gay to the other guys.

His finishing move was being very gay.

Yeah, it would really antagonize the audience.

It would antagonize the other wrestlers.

People would just be losing their minds about, yeah, they were so mad.

I mean, he kind of was a bad guy.

He was a bad guy for being gay.

But he was a high heel.

He looks like a gold violent J.

What's his real name?

Dustin Runnels.

Dustin Randalls.

Not Dustin Runnels.

Because Dusty Rhodes is a completely different wrestler.

Legendary.

Yeah, he rules, man.

Yeah, Dusty Rhodes Jr.

was one of his ring names.

Oh, okay.

Okay, it's the same dude.

But that's the thing.

No, no, no.

Dusty Rhodes, it's not the same dude.

He was an older guy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But that's the thing.

You'll try any gimmick, and the one that stuck was just being gay and wearing face.

Oh, he's Dusty Rhodes' son.

Oh, he is?

Yeah.

Yeah.

He actually is his son?

Yeah.

Oh, damn.

That makes sense.

Dusty Rhodes is just like.

Just telling him to be a gay guy.

He's cool, dude.

He was like an outer space

trans woman.

i know he's not gay irl that's what i'm saying yeah no he had a woman that would like come out to like he had a

girl that would come out

yeah yeah but he was also every wrestler was afraid of the ring named goldustry teams with r-truth what's r-truth i don't know it's a reddit uh sub yeah

that's what it sounds like i think that must be a new development i don't know i just remember gold us being gay and it being funny that he was gay to me as a child which probably sends the wrong message well yeah but i guess maybe it was trying to say that gay is bad, but it was still kind of

insane.

That's bad.

He was one of the most visible, sort of queer characters of the 90s.

It's true.

Goldust is a trailblazer.

He was.

He kind of stole some Bowie shit, too.

I mean, that's what he's doing.

He totally stole Bowie shit.

What he does is steal shit from other things.

It's a steal.

I never interpreted him as gay.

Really?

What?

Goldust?

He would like kiss guys.

Yeah.

But

people would get so mad.

I thought he was just weird.

And his finishing move was like putting your legs, spreading your legs open and kicking you in the dick or touching your dick or something.

I don't remember what it was, but it was like

I think it's effective.

It's a good move.

But anyway, that's my t that's my wrestling take.

Yeah, I remember his his rival is this guy, Val Venus.

Val Venus was a fan of the moment.

For a while, who I think was a former male porn star.

And he used to come out, he used to come up with

a single lady.

He used to come out with a fucking towel wrapped around

his legs.

And he would sexually take it off.

The Goldust character

Rhodes, the person, is not a homosexual.

Rhodes was married to WDF star Terry Reynolds during the 90s and had a child with

Dakota, yeah.

Goldust, the character, just plays mind games with wrestlers and stuff.

Yeah, right, dude.

As told on WWE television, no, the Gold Dust character.

I don't say he was actually gay.

That's what they're saying, but he was clearly gay.

Yeah, he would use gay.

He was

The mind games were pretending he was going to fuck them.

Yeah, it was the mind games.

Of course.

Yeah.

He was gay.

Dusty Rhodes Jr.

just doesn't want to admit he could only stick on to the WWF by being gay as hell.

But Terry, that's a good pull.

She was hot, dude.

She was on.

She was like his ring girl.

She would accompany him, yeah.

Damn tit.

I beat off to so many WWE girls.

There's that one pic of Stephanie McMahon where you can kind of see her tits through his songs.

Did you ever hear Michael read that fanfic that he wrote about

Sable

having sex with

what's that dude's name?

James McMahon.

No, the dude that did UFC with like the tattoo on his

Brock Lesnar.

Brock Lesnar.

No, that's awesome.

He wrote like this erotic story about them fucking each other.

Really?

That's so funny.

Damn, we should ask him if we could read it.

Yeah.

Yeah, I've, oh man, the wrestling girls were so.

When it was still AOL.com, when you still have to log in through AOL and the dial-up days, I got in trouble for

emailing my friend a picture of Trish Stratus when you could see her nipples.

And Pete, it was my fucking friend Pete, who ratted on me.

I emailed it to him.

He printed it out, folded it, and put it under his pillow.

And my dad was friends with his dad, and they just found it one day, and then he immediately ratted on me.

And then my father fucking humiliated me for being a normal boy who beats off the big tittied tittied wrestling women.

But

dude, yeah.

I remember Sable in fifth grade.

It was the hottest.

That was big.

And then I looked at a picture of her recently.

I was like, ooh,

that's a little bit of a damn thing.

Yeah, well, she showed her tits on that one paper.

I'm kind of hands-off on this conversation.

I didn't give this much of a shit about wrestling.

You never...

No, I jacked off.

We've established this.

I fucking have just beaten off the porn.

I didn't need to beat off porn.

You never beat off the wrestling girls?

No, I never did either.

What?

I would go on a fucking specific site and find stills before videos.

This is pre-video.

I would find stills of them all being naked in whatever weird softcore porn shit they were exploited into before they got into wrestling.

Yeah.

Which, arguably, porn or wrestling is a form of softcore

porn officer.

Sure, sure, sure.

Yep, well.

Anyway, you guys missed out on beating off the wrestling girls.

That's all I'll say about that.

Are comics still into

WWE?

There's still comics who are.

Yeah, that are still into it.

Yeah.

Yeah, no, and I think a lot, for the most part, it's a good put-on.

There was a, when the comic book thing got big, I think it's like the new comic book.

Yeah, when the comic book shit got big a couple years ago, when everyone's like, well, you know, I'm really into comic books, like zombies are bacon.

You know, like, I remember talking to one or two people that are like, yeah, I just, you know, I bought my first comics recently.

It's like, no, don't, don't do that.

You're starting at first.

Don't fucking do that.

You know what?

When I was growing up, I don't know a single fucking person that read comic books.

I wouldn't read a single, not a single fucking one of my friends read comic books.

And we were in the market for it.

We played video games.

We were fucking losers.

We would have been the people that read comic books, and none of us read comic books.

The only thing I read once was Eldis would buy The Simpsons comic books.

Yeah.

And I read two of those.

And that stopped.

And the only reason we did that is because we love The Simpsons.

Right, exactly.

But yeah, I don't know anyone that fucking read comic books.

And now suddenly everyone I'm friends with in comedy grew up like, well, I'm a huge, huge comic book head.

you know, can't get enough of comic books.

Right.

I guess it started with The Watchmen or something.

Yeah, I read The Watchmen in college.

No, I think it's all the movies, all the comic book movies coming out.

Yeah.

No, there was something before the movies, though.

There definitely was that movement where everyone trying to be, where being a nerd was cool again.

Yeah.

Being like a sexy guy who read comic books was what being a nerd was, you know?

Yeah.

And I don't know.

Like, name one.

There is

a sexy guy that reads comic books.

I don't fucking know, dude.

I don't know.

Whatever.

I don't even know why I asked that question.

But, yeah, I don't.

So I guess that's a thing that people are into now.

It's weird because I used to feel alienated hanging out with comics when they were all talking about comic books, and then it became WWE like two years ago.

Yeah, so I mean, that's just a small group, though.

And some people, I think that just means you grew up white trash, honestly.

Like, if you went like I like WWE, I like WCW.

No, but wrestling is different because I know a lot of people that liked wrestling.

I liked it as a child, yeah, for sure.

I didn't because there was no network television wrestling show.

SmackDown, dude.

Yeah, SmackDown came later.

That's true.

It came in mid-year in 1998 or something.

Right, and the wrestling.

The wall was all on cable.

Yeah, wrestling was real popular.

The height of that Stone Cold shit was probably, what, like 96?

97?

I don't know.

And whenever SmackDown came out, it was after that.

So I would watch it just so I could have the conversations with people.

But at that point, nobody really gave a shit about wrestling.

Right, it was on the way out, for sure.

I got into it with my dad during the Goldberg era because he was a Jew who got together.

You got to hold it down for our boy, dude.

This guy with the tribal tattoo that wears black underpants.

He didn't really have much of a personality.

Yeah, his whole personality was he didn't lose, and there's no reason why he didn't.

He wasn't that good at wrestling.

And his move was the spear, which is just tactical.

Yeah, it's like an NFL.

It sucked.

He sucked.

WCW was tight, though.

The Wolf Pack.

Woo!

That was WCW.

Hell yeah, dude.

I was in the Wolf Pack.

Fucking love that shit.

The red one, though.

Do you remember ECW?

That was on TV.

That was cool.

That was like just guys running cheese graters across each other's faces.

I saw a funny clip someone sent me the other day of Brett the Hitman Heart fighting Yokozuna.

Yokozuna was a Samoan guy from Hawaii, playing a Japanese character.

Yeah.

You know, as a kid, I didn't realize that Yokozuna just meant like heavyweight.

Right.

I didn't realize that I thought it was one there was one guy who was the best at sumo wrestling, and his name was Yoko Zuna.

That's what I thought, too, yeah.

And I it blew my mind that that Yokozuna wasn't also a sumo wrestler.

Right.

You know what's crazy about sumo wrestling?

There was a Czech guy, I think he was Czech, a couple years back, who was like 190 pounds.

You know, very like a, I mean, you know, he's a strong guy, but compared to that, and he became like one of the best sumo wrestlers because he would just move out of the way.

Wow.

He was just super fucking fast.

And Japanese people are probably so mad at that.

Yeah.

They're like, no, you push.

Yeah, yeah.

No, he would like, he just dominated.

Damn.

Yeah.

So the moral of that story is that fat people aren't good at anything.

No, come on.

It's what they're doing.

And even their one thing that they're supposed to be good at, sumo wrestling.

They're bad at it.

I'll sumo wrestle you and beat you, bitch.

No, you won't.

You don't even know the rules.

You don't either.

You would eat all the sand.

Somebody ate the roast.

That's good.

Yeah.

Fat people don't eat anything.

It has to be delicious.

And then I'll eat a lot of it.

I'm not just eating sand.

Yeah.

Unless there's a little, maybe somebody dropped a chocolate of clair in the sand.

Yeah.

And there's a little bit of icing left.

I just, I love that they wear diapers and that, like, or that rope.

Like, the Yogozuna gets like a big rope he has to wear instead of the diaper.

Remember Rikishi, his move was just sitting on people's faces with his ass out?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're like, no, no,

no.

He doesn't wore a thong and you can fucking, you definitely got that guy's big fat ass ball in your face.

God damn it.

The gold dust is just coming in his pants, seriously.

Yeah, dude.

The reason that I was banned from watching wrestling and why I stopped being a fan, because right at the height of that era, I gave my brother a stone cold stunner,

but I followed through and pulled his eye onto my knee.

And he just had the biggest black eye.

And then I remember I was like, just play it cool, dude.

If mom and dad ask, just chill out.

And he's like, Should I go in my room?

I was like, no, no, no.

If you go in your room, it look like you're hiding.

So our plan was he was just going to sit on the couch with a pillow over his eye.

And then my mom was just like, immediately walks.

He's like, why is there a pillow on your eye?

And he's like, huh,

no reason.

And then she pulls it off.

She's got this giant black eye.

She's like, no more wrestling.

And she was like, that was it.

And then did you slam your mom's head through the table?

Yeah, then I rock bottom that fucking bitch.

Then I climbed up top on a fucking 20-foot ladder.

One of my favorite movie-going experiences is me and my friend Jordan went to see the wrestler, or not the wrestler, the Marine, the opening night.

Yeah, John Cena.

Yeah, and me and him were just high as shit outside the theater, and there was like a 27-year-old mom with her, like, you know, son there.

Yeah, she was like just some hot, like, trashy single mom.

Right.

And she was like, woo, yeah, y'all going to see my boy Cena.

Like, we're going to go see Cena.

And we're like,

yeah.

Sappy.

She's bringing her son to a midnight show.

Jesus Christ.

The Marine.

That kid probably has a very good life right now.

I mean, she seemed like a good mom.

It actually touched me in a way.

Wasn't it John Cena's character that he was like hip-hop?

At first it was, but then he became so popular that he just

wears jean shorts.

That video of John Cena announcing to the crowd that Osama bin Laden's been killed is so fucking funny.

It's awesome.

Yeah.

What an American hero.

Yeah.

Oh, fuck.

I just remember the funny wrestling memory.

Me and my brothers went to

autograph signing of the Hardy Brothers and Trish Stratus at East Point Mall in Dundalk.

It was just like so much white trash waiting to just fucking.

I went to like...

like the DC like auto expo or something, like a car show when I was like five or six or something like that.

And I met

like Turbo and Laser from American Gladiators.

Hell yeah.

I forgot about American Gladiators.

I had signed pictures of them, and I kept them underneath my bicycle seat, all like folded up, all shitty, because I thought they were worth like millions of dollars.

Like, I don't want anyone to steal my autographed pictures of Turbo from American Gladiators.

Oh, fuck, man.

People that go to that shit is so like, people cherish that shit.

There were guys who legitimately just thought they could fuck Trish Stratus at that fucking signing.

yeah's like well have you ever seen the Louis Thoreau documentary on bodybuilders no it's great they like cover female bodybuilders and there's the most like Dick Fieldian guy yeah yeah that's obsessed with the female bodybuilders and he's like I just love the bodies it's just so strong and powerful

it's like is this guy doing a character I feel like all bodybuilding competitions have those people in the crowd that are fans of the songs that's the only you know the weirdest people in the world people look at like you know, bodybuilding competitions and the guys on stage and are like, how could you do that to yourself?

Like, what possesses somebody to be that weird?

And it's like, who you should be looking at

is the guys who judge those professionals.

Someone's just like, yeah, good muscles.

Well, I just love enough muscle shape.

All it is is who can flex better.

It's not even like

it's not even who picks up the most weight, which is like a competition.

It's who looks better just flexing and oiled up.

Yeah, who's good at dehydrating themselves to the point where you can see like the individual muscle fibers.

Yeah, dude, it's fucking and they get so bronzed up too.

Can we get that whatever oil that shit is?

It just looked that way.

It's just olive oil.

That's it?

Yeah.

What I like too is like you look at some of them and like they have so much fake tanner and real tanner on their bodies that they look like a fucking Slim Jim.

Yeah.

And it's like,

how is blackface wrong?

But that's okay.

It's wrong when you do that to your face.

But if you do it to your body, it's what?

Art and sport?

It's sport.

Yeah.

If you're jacked as hell, it's like that.

I just want to go to a bodybuilding competition just in blackface.

Not workout.

My muscles are really jacked.

Yeah, yeah.

Start wearing black ones and be like, I want you to see how jacked my cheeks are.

Look how big my smile is.

That's why I drew this red circle around it.

Yeah, the highlight.

How good my smile is.

Oh, fuck.

I love that episode of Mad Men where fucking

Jack Slatter.

Oh, sorry.

Am I spoiling this?

No, it's fine.

He just.

I don't give a shit.

It's like his wedding, his

engagement or his daughters or something.

I don't even know which character that is.

It's the fucking Silver Fox, the sexy Silver Fox guy who fucks.

Roger.

The boss?

Yeah.

Not the owner, the boss Dodger.

The boss.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay.

Is his name Roger?

Anyway, to celebrate something as the entertainment, entertainment, it's him in blackface singing.

And it's just like, that's like, that's like, and it was like, everyone's clapping and laughing.

Well, that's really all you could do at a party in the 60s.

You either put it, you get way too drunk and put a lampshade on your head and you're the comic relief, or you do blackface.

Or guys wearing a tie on their head.

Yeah, oh, tie on your head's a big bit.

That's a good one.

Howie Mandel built a career off that.

Oh, yeah.

So, did Howie Mandel do stand-up?

Yeah, yeah.

Really?

Yeah.

Wasn't his big closer he like puts a glove over his head and yeah, blows it up.

I mean, he was like so incredibly fueled by cocaine.

And he was also a germaphobe, too.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, that's why he shaved his head.

He was worried about butts.

I actually hate, yeah, I'm actually, I have a full, beautiful head of hair that I'm afraid of.

Yeah, he was a germaphobe who lived in New York City.

It must have been a nightmare.

Maybe we'd be like a spermaphobe, like you have to wash your hands constantly because you think there's cum everywhere.

It's a different kind of germaphobe.

They brought this up on the podcast before.

Mark Summers from

Nickelodeon, like the game show host.

Yeah.

He was a germaphobe.

Oh, really?

Have we spoken about this before?

Really?

Yeah, yeah.

He was a germaphobe.

He did all his jobs.

Yeah, his job just involved children, like working with children who are getting gak poured on their heads.

Like the point of all those shows was to be messy.

He must have just been in a prison of

his own personal hell

on television.

I love gaking was just like facials it was just like pouring green jizz on children's faces like that's that's it yeah it's gonna be great when we find out that that's our generation's agent orange

is nickelodeon gak

does everybody get that's why i'm dizzy right now it's from nickelodeon gak you got gaked i got you guys ever have the gak that you buy yeah yeah obviously well no i remember they like there was i used to eat you can make it at home i remember that that there was like a they sold it too though yeah in like the daycare I went to, they were like, we're going to show you how to make it because it's simple.

It's like flour and water.

Yeah, it's like dish soap and flour or something.

Yeah, it's a real simple process.

But it's good, dude.

Yeah, that was the first pocket pussy.

It was gaked.

That was so crazy that that's what they wanted kids to do.

They wanted you to beg your parents.

I mean, this is what I wanted.

I wanted to beg my parents to go to Orlando, Florida, so I can get green jizz poured on my head.

That was like a dream.

They had it at King's Dominion, though.

Did they?

There was like some kind of Nickelodeon Nickelodeon thing at King's Dominion.

I don't remember.

Yeah.

Oh, you're from Vegas.

Yeah.

Yeah, King's Dominion kind of sucked.

Sucked dick, dude.

Whereas in Virginia?

Yeah, I don't really like, but I'm not a theme park.

I'm not an amusement park guy.

Oh, they all sucked dick.

The first one I ever went to was Hershey Park.

I kind of like Hershey Park.

I fucking love that shit.

When I was a kid, I was like,

this is such a good idea.

Yeah, when you're a little ass kid, it's the best shit on earth.

Yeah.

Especially a chocolate-themed one.

I remember like trying to describe Hershey Park to my friend after he went there, and I got so excited I started crying.

That was the last genuine emotion you had.

Dude, I would love to see just baby Nick fucking happy about something

before the years of neglect dulled you.

God damn, that's a precious ass memory.

Yeah.

Damn, you know what?

We should fucking, I want to see some baby pics, dude.

Yeah.

You know how many baby picks?

They're all burned.

It was funny.

My fucking,

my mom was like, you know, I don't know where she got it.

It was from my grandparents' house.

It was like a photo album and shit.

And there's all these pictures from like, you know, me and my cousins growing up.

And then there's like a two-year period where every picture of me, I just have this like scowl on my face.

I look all depressed.

And I was like, why am I like this?

And every picture, she was like, my mom's like, it's just how you were, I guess.

Holy shit.

That is the answer to who you are.

That two-year period is who this is how you fucking.

It's furious.

God.

What do you think it was, dude?

I don't know.

You think you were getting molested and you blacked it out?

No, I would remember that.

You never know.

Considering, like, I remember every minute detail of every TV show I ever watched.

I don't know, I don't think I would black it out.

Maybe that's why you do it.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's you.

To stop young enough from remembering getting your dick sucked.

Yeah, you're trying to stuff your brain.

Maybe it was a Jewish people.

I don't believe in repressed memories.

I don't think you have to believe it.

I think that's just bullshit.

Nah, it's real.

What if it was a Jew, and that's why your mom now is a Holocaust denier?

Wouldn't that make me that?

I don't think.

No, no, no, no.

Because you've repressed it.

So now she thinks all Jews are bad.

I think I'm onto something here.

I think it's funny that your mom's a Holocaust denier.

You went a Holocaust denier.

Your mom's an active.

She's a revisionist.

She's a Holocaust revisionist.

What does that mean?

It just means she's bad at math.

Your mom's a Holocaust denier.

She's a.

Ah, come on, not six, man.

You went into stand-up comedy, which is like the most Jewish thing you could have done with it.

I have like Jewish family, and I grew up around that.

No, so a Jewish uncle fucked you.

All of the people I bullied were Jews growing up, so it's like, you know, I feel connected to them.

Maybe the dad is still today, too.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

You're two targets of

bullying Adam and someone who is essentially Jewish.

He's not Jewish at all.

Yeah, he's not.

That's the only reason it's fucking funny.

He got so upset one time and he was like, Let me ask you something.

What if I actually was Jewish?

This is a different guy.

We didn't say the name.

It's a different guy.

Yeah, yeah.

He was like, What if I actually was Jewish?

I'm like, Then it wouldn't be funny.

Yeah,

it would be weird.

That's why it's funny.

It's literally like if you were a guy going around in blackface and everyone was making fun of you for being in blackface, you're like, What if I actually was a black person?

And actually,

what if I actually was a black person?

Sorry, that's the voice you would use.

Yeah.

Fuck.

What a beautiful fucking Tuesday morning it's been, boys.

Yeah, it's so dreary outside.

But we also want to say thank you to everyone who came out last night.

That was a killer show.

Thank you guys so much.

Yeah.

You guys are great.

And we got some good shows.

Next month, we're going to do two.

Maybe one.

Maybe?

Yeah.

Okay.

We'll check it out.

Never mind.

Fuck me.

Well, we got Caroline's going on.

Carolines for sure.

I'm sorry.

I've been so dizzy this one.

So

I'm not being able to pay attention.

I am a little worried about your health.

Yeah.

I don't know.

It's probably just allergies or something.

I guess, but

I hope you don't die, dude.

Yeah, that would suck, right?

We have so many movies to watch.

Actually, we might.

Yeah, okay, never mind.

Sorry.

Thank you for listening to the show.

What's the Carolines date?

The 21st of September.

The 21st.

As always, if you enjoy the show,

there's better episodes, go to patreon.com slash come town.

Apparently, you can't search for the show on Patreon.

You can't?

Yeah, I think they removed this from the listings or something.

Because we say come in the name of it.

Yeah, probably.

But if you just go backslash Cometown, you're fine.

Yeah, you'll find it.

All right, thanks.

Bye.

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