Ep. 36 – Goatee Era Seagal

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It's the Come Town Pre-inauguration Super Special.

It is Wednesday, January 35th, 2006.

And we are live from the new,

what did we replace the Anthony Cumius Studio?

The Black Lives Matter

Africa Bombada Memorial

in the basement of the Empire State Building in the mail room where all the real work gets done.

You know what I'm talking about?

Minimum wage, folks.

Hell yeah.

You got calluses on your hand from opening and filing envelopes.

You know, that's like a real Billy Joel, like a black Billy Joel experience.

Black Billy Joel.

Yo, who's the black Billy Joel?

Billy Joel, dude.

You can't tell me Billy Joel isn't black.

He has the N-word pass, actually.

He's one of the four.

Has he said it publicly?

No.

Probably.

Randy News.

I love if one of those old white singer-songwriters that writes nothing about the blue-collar white experience wrote a song about being a poor black person.

Randy Newman does.

No, just like a Billy Joel song about

if he covered.

Was it that Dynamite Hack song?

They covered.

Oh, yeah, Boys in the Hood.

Yeah, Boys in the Hood.

Yeah.

It's Billy Joel doing it.

Some gay-ass piano instrumental.

Yeah, I can't even mimic boy.

What's Billy Joel?

He has fucking Uptown Girl.

Uptown Girl.

Well, that's 80s.

Compton Girl.

She's never been railed at by a Jew from Long Island.

And now she's getting fucked for the first time.

That's weird.

By Billy Joel, that's me.

I've written myself into this song.

Billy Joel does.

And I'm the hero.

There's no way Billy Joel fucks good.

I don't know.

I don't know why Ugli's daughter came out.

I literally can attest to that.

The better you fuck, the hotter you're getting.

Exactly.

If you fuck well, you get a hot daughter.

If not, you get Alexa,

whose journey through cutting herself has been well documented in the media.

That's going to be awful.

She's had such a terrible life.

Well, her parents are not.

Billy Joel's daughter?

Billy Joel's daughter, whose tribute to her through his music, is naming a fucking boat after.

Oh, the downside.

Yeah, his daughter has struggled with her weight.

He's like, I'm going to write a song after you, but you're going to be the tugboat.

That's me.

That's the no.

Anytime dinner was ready, you'd just be like,

dude, you know what's hilarious?

Isn't her mom Christy Brinkley?

Yeah.

So famous model.

She's a shitty.

She sings like Christy Brinkley, and she looks like Billy Brinkley.

It's like

she inherited

Billy Joel's boxing injuries.

These are her facial features, like cauliflower.

Wait, he was a boxer?

Yeah, I think so, briefly.

Oh, wow.

Yeah.

How did that get successful, Billy Joel?

He's extremely talented.

What are you talking about?

What do you listen to?

Billy Joel's amazing.

I don't know.

There's a manager.

You're coming.

Billy Joel?

There's a manager in 1972.

He's like, I got an act for you guys, okay?

Earlier than that, dude, Billy Joel's been making music since 1972.

Can we turn Shark Tank off?

Oh, sorry.

I left Shark Tank on in the background.

I was trying to get.

This is what I do as I get business ideas from Shark Tank.

I'm going to be a father-son team trying to get on QVC.

Do you guys want to go to Shark Tank?

Can we pitch Cometown to Shark Tank?

Yeah.

Of course.

We just basically talk and we say the N-word sometimes.

Damon, we'll give you you 3% for $500 million.

And we make better deals with everyone else.

All right, this was just for Damon.

Well, it's always the worst ideas to get money on this show.

I love that it's a guy that comes on.

He's like, This is basically

a new suit and breathing apparatus for firefighters.

This is estimated to save like millions of lives a year.

And they're like, This is the worst idea I've ever heard in my life.

Get the fuck out of here.

And then the next guy's like, Oh, it's fucking, you know, like googly eyes that you can stick on your refrigerator.

And Mark Cuban's like, $80 billion for $10 for Saturday Company.

Genius.

Because all these people make trash.

It's all dumb shit.

The woman just makes.

She's QVC.

She makes tiny furniture for your jewelry.

That's like what she made her riches off of.

Mark Cuban has the Mavericks, and what is he?

He stole money from the internet.

He's a tech.

Yeah, he's some sort of tech guy.

And everyone else, who's that fucking fat Canadian gay guy?

The old guy?

Kevin O'Leary, Mr.

Wonderful.

Yeah, he's a piece of shit.

I think he's running for Parliament in Canada or like he wants to be head of the Conservatives or something.

Yeah, when he makes deals with people, do the people get Canadian money?

Yeah.

Is that a seller?

Yeah, he gives them loonies.

Yeah, yeah.

Toonies and loonies.

Yeah.

Fuckies.

Loonies are just frozen bits of matrices.

They have cartoon money.

Fucking like fucking...

Fucking Looney Tunes money.

It's just little pieces of moose horn.

That was good, dude.

Thank you.

Yeah.

No, I get it.

It's called Loonies and Toonies, and then there's a show called Looney Toons.

That's crazy, dude.

That's brilliant joke writing.

Beaches motherfucker.

All right, well, I'm going to give you that joke.

I'll give you 3%

for

a $12.

I just want to go around making Shark Tank deals all the time.

Let's try and on the bus.

Weren't we talking about something before Shark Tank?

Nick has an inventory.

You're talking about Billy Joel.

Right, yes.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I do have an, well, my idea, my business idea, but it would require licensing shit from, you know, D.C., and I can't do that.

No.

Yeah.

You can't just say, my idea can't be like, oh, Batman stuff.

Just use Batman stuff.

Ben, oh, our guest today is Ben.

We can't say his last name because he's worried about people finding him.

Hello.

Yeah.

You can't say it.

It's fine.

Benjamin Franklin.

He's in Hezbollah.

You can say it.

You can say it.

His name's Benjamin Franklin.

Ben Dreyfus is here.

I thought I had a good reason.

Not to offend you guys.

No, it's just not.

It's not actually Ben Dreyfus.

No.

Who's Ben Dreyfus?

He's a piece of shit.

We'll just leave it.

Louis Dreyfus.

He's no Louis Louis Dreyfus.

He is, what's his name, son?

Yeah.

Oh, Richard Dreyfus's son.

Richard Dreyfus' son.

Yeah, he's for like Slate or something.

He's a monster.

He's disgusting.

There's no better celebrity son than Chuck.

Ben O'Brien is the guest.

Benny.

What's up, Henry?

Are you uncomfortable with that son?

No, no, no, no.

You can say it.

It was more.

It's just.

Not in the SEO.

Yeah, it's just like...

He's ashamed of the show.

I'm not ashamed of the show.

He's a diehard cumboy, by the way.

My man's been on from day one.

I am a real diehard.

I often have to close the window as people walk by.

That happens to me all the time.

But Ben's got his own brand that predates Cometown.

It's very successful.

Very funny.

Wham City.

The Wham City Bros.

So we'll just endorse that or plug it.

I don't know.

Yeah, that was the first time.

That's the live read that I paid for.

That was $7,000.

They put me on.

Yeah, Ben made me have my TV debut.

I was on Adult Swim for one second.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

The background in the background

of a YouTube video they aired at 4 a.m.

on the other side.

Would I give you the credit of Stupid Company?

Fat, Stupid Cop or something like that.

Stupid fat.

Everyone knows like cop one, cop two.

It should just be.

No, fat, stupid, paramedic.

I should have a shit.

It should be the guy who ate the better time slot.

It should be your credit.

On Adult Swim.

You guys.

Wait, so you've been on it.

You were on Adult Swim for two seconds.

Have you had any other TV credits?

I'm going to be on IFC for actually a good amount of time at late at night.

The incredibly fat chao thing?

No, the is fucking cool.

Bitch, that's actually what it is.

This is the is fucking cool channel.

Anyway, so yeah, Benny's here.

He's visiting.

We're actually going to get a big fat steak after this.

That's right.

So that's how we meet.

Peter Luger.

We literally are going to Peter Luger.

Really?

Burger is good.

Can I come?

We made Rezzy's for two, man.

This is me and Ben's thing.

Oh, man.

All right.

So me and Nick are going to go.

We can get steaks next time together, guys.

Whatever, dude.

We'll do some other cool shit, dude.

I don't want to get steaks with you.

Yeah, we're going to the batting cage.

We're going to Chelsea Piers after this, and we're not fucking inviting you ever.

Come on.

You're never going to.

Did I have a thing with my friend from before?

Yeah.

That's not fair.

It's totally fair.

I want to come to Chelsea Piers.

You're not allowed to have friends.

We've already talked about it.

We're the only friends we're allowed to have.

Only allowed to be friends with each other.

No one else.

That definitely was you.

You didn't teach Ben any of our songs, did you?

Of course not.

Okay, good.

Do you want to read it?

We were watching Bandit Brothers.

We were watching Bandit Brothers last night, and there's like a scene, you know, how Ross plays drill instructor Ross.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, Rachel.

Easy company.

You have to do better, Easy Company.

Najis are bad, right?

Ross.

Juice, did you kill Nicole?

Juice.

Juice.

We were on a break.

So he fucking, yeah, there's a scene where they're all running up the mountain.

He's like, we're running Curry again.

And they fucking run up the mountain and then they all start singing a song.

And then Ross just looks all dejected because he didn't learn the song.

All the Army boys learned a song without me.

You guys can't learn songs without me.

How do you think I have a fucking career?

Has he been anything since?

David Schwimmer?

I think he's like old Hollywood money.

He's like a Beverly Hills High School kid.

Yeah, is he?

Yeah.

Do you just know fun facts about David Schwimmer?

I don't even.

I'm making fun.

Yeah, do Rachel now.

Yeah, what?

Adam has a trapper keeper at home filled with pictures of David Schmidt.

It's a Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper.

And it's, yeah, I'm crazy for Ross.

Yeah.

He's getting bullied in middle school for Ross being your favorite character.

Yeah.

I never watched it.

Everyone else is like, Joey's the best.

Joey's tight.

He eats and he fucks.

I do like Joey for that reason, actually, now that I think about it.

My Israeli cousins would always say, Adam, you're such a chandler.

I had no idea what that meant.

Chandler sucked, dude.

Chandler was so gay.

Basically, all of them are trash.

Chandler was the snark.

Joey eats and fucks.

Joey's good.

He's just dumb.

That's his whole character.

His character is that he's retarded, right?

No, he eats and fucks.

He's not retarded.

He's Italian.

This was before

dumb menu or autistic.

This was when you could just be dumb and be laughed at for being dumb.

Yeah, but he felt

fun and dumb.

Now it's a medical condition.

You can be dumb and fuck and be cool.

What if this guy's shark tank idea is just hot women?

Yeah, no, I would love to just

love to go to Johnny and be like, it's women you pay to fuck.

Just pimping.

Just like, I've got my cousin and she'll fuck anyone.

I think I told you.

I told this story already on the podcast.

When I was in community college, I took like a marketing class.

There was these two.

Yeah, there's two dudes that were like, basically, the idea is it's a 24-hour beer, weed, and cigarettes delivery.

And you guys were underage?

No, they were probably like 25.

Okay.

Which makes it worse even.

You're 25 years old and you're still like, yeah, weed.

I get to incorporate weed into my homework assignments.

Yeah, dude.

I love fucking ceramics.

It's like making a bong in ceramics class.

That's actually tight.

Did you ever do that?

Could you do that?

Everybody did that.

I didn't do it, but people did it all the time.

I never made a bong.

I made a G-bong.

You guys were having a G-bong and get fucked up.

Yeah, it gets so high.

Hell yeah, dude.

Hell yeah, let's go.

I love making bongs out of fucking trash.

That's all G-bongs are.

Yeah, you just put an old milk carton in a bathtub.

You can use anything, dude.

Gatorade bottles.

Gatorade bottles.

What's the dumbest shit you've ever smoked out of?

An altoid tin, probably.

Hell yeah, dude.

Yeah, we used to make pipes out of just like pens or tinfoil pens.

Tin foil

is basically jig.

And then it's like,

you know, I mean, you fucking, you make dumb shit out of dumb shit, and then you want like the biggest prizes for you are ramen and Doritos.

Right, right.

You drink a cylinder game if you're like.

You ever meet like kids when you were like in elementary school that smoked?

They like smoked way too early.

Yeah, there were kids that were like eight that were smoking.

You're like, what are you doing?

What are you talking about?

Really?

In fucking Montgomery County?

One or two.

Crazy.

But yeah, I mean, definitely kids that smoke cigarettes.

And he smoked with cigarettes.

There were dudes dropping acid and fucking in like seventh grade at my school.

You went to like the weird Hillbilly.

That's a little older.

It was Hillbilly, though.

It was Hillbilly school.

Yeah, you went to Hillbilly school, right?

There were kids fucking in my seventh grade.

I remember hearing about it and just being absolutely shocked.

Dude, exactly.

I was in gym.

I got a friend.

I got sad and afraid.

I remember exactly what happened.

I was in gym.

We just played basketball.

I was feeling good about myself.

And there's just like fucking black kids on the side.

This one kid has an awesome afro, and they're literally just like making fun of some girl because they all fucked her.

And they're like, and they're like, oh, shut up, y'all.

And I was just like, they're like, yeah, she sucked my dick.

I was like, what the fuck?

And I'm like eavesdropping.

They're like, hey, yo, he's listening.

And they just made fun of me.

I was like, huh?

They just left in a huff because I was so fucking scared.

I remember catching me listening to them fucking, talking about fucking.

I remember two kids fucked the summer after sixth grade, and I still to this day remember their first and last name, both of them.

Say them right now.

Did you watch?

No.

Say them right now.

No, I'm not going to say that.

Say the first name.

It was a kid named Elden and a girl named Alicia.

And now their last names?

Alicia Keys.

Elden Baylor.

Elden Campbell, the old center for the Los Angeles Lakers.

Okay, yes.

Elton Brand.

Elton Brand.

When I was a kid, I was going through my mom's underwear drawer.

Camera I was looking for.

Oh, I remember

the second one.

But I found

what I thought was a condom, and I freaked out, but it was just like one of those

eggs legs.

You know, those like...

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was just plastic.

But I was such an idiot that I thought.

How old were you?

A condom was like a plastic egg that you really did.

That you melt over your coat.

Like, threw it.

Oh, God.

I think I was probably seven.

Did your mom fuck?

Yeah.

We found my friend's mom's vibrator one time.

I don't know why we were going through their shit, but he found his.

I was watching him pull the vibrator out of her like nightstand, and his mom was so hot.

And he's like, What the fuck is this?

And he was like, No.

He was like, horrified.

And we were like, yes.

It was in your mom's pussy.

Let me smell it.

He's like, get out.

Everyone, get out right now.

That is an emergency for a kid with a hot mom.

She's like, Zach, why is there a bunch of saliva all over my vibrator?

All my friends were over.

Why is it so like gushing?

Why is there that candy spray and Arab wrapper?

That's such a funny visual, like a bunch of like 12-year-olds sucking off a huge Dylan because they're like, it was on your mom's pussy.

It's not gay because it touched your mom's pussy.

Just giving everyone taking turns.

And then they're just sucking each other's spit off of it.

I had a manager at a pizza restaurant I worked at, and he told me this story.

He was like, when he was in junior high, him and his friend would put socks over each other's dick and then jack each other off.

What the fuck?

No, that's no, that's No, he's like, it's not gay because there's socks involved.

No, that just makes it gay with a foot vetted element.

So much gayer, actually.

Yeah, yeah.

If you do that, if two guys jerk each other off, but they're both thinking about women, that's called parallel sex.

What me and my friends do is we get those

sticks that have the dinosaur head on the top that you have to make it bite with them, and then we jerk each other off from a distance.

I actually, what I do is I climb into one of those claw machines at Dave and Buster.

You guys have to get the claw right over my dick and pull it up and down.

And it's not gay, dude.

Because it's so hard to do.

Because it's so difficult.

So it's an accomplishment.

Do you remember that thing?

Yo, can we get one of those with a fucking pocket pussy holding top and try and jerk each other off?

That sounds hilarious.

That's actually a mini-game in the next Mario Podcast.

I really think you guys should do

one where you're around a table and you're all jacking off under the table.

You're like a come town while you're trying to have a job.

I'm pretty sure that's what Texas Hold'em is.

I've never played, but based on the name.

No, that's true.

Yeah, when you go all in, that's when you just come in everyone else's mouth.

Yeah.

Do you remember that thing, The Stranger, which was like if you sit on your hand and it goes to jerk someone else's off on the bosses?

Well, yeah,

you go outside and you find a stranger.

You find a stranger

because you suck his hand and he bucks you in the ass while you give him a thumbs up with that numb hand.

The thing is, you don't even feel that thumb on it.

You don't feel that that thumb and gay has thumbs up.

Did you ever stranger yourself?

No.

You could never get it to work.

I was just good enough in my imagination to pretend that I was, you know, what?

See, I would just normally go numb any time I had an erection.

I started having flashbacks and then I would pass it.

Not emotionally.

Yeah.

I would black out and then, you know,

wake up.

You had just such high blood pressure as a kid.

The second you got an erection.

You just ate shit Cheetos and Slim Jims.

Yeah.

Oh, man.

Just pulls Tony Soprano.

I, one time, after I watched Road Trip, I don't know if I told this story, I put a candle in my ass.

Oh, man.

You know why that's so funny is because you already look like a pumpkin.

You just made yourself a jack-o'-lantern.

Yeah, I lit it at the end.

Just walking around whenever there's a blackout, I'm like, I can do this, mom.

I know, Trick.

Ejacku-lanterning.

Yeah.

There we go.

But yeah, Jack-off lantern.

It just hurt my ass.

I didn't like it too much.

That's weird.

Yeah.

That you didn't love it.

You got to like the camera.

Why did you do that?

Because Stiffler put stuff in his ass and he beats it.

And he gets it.

Oh, you wanted Stiffler to like you.

No, I wanted to come.

I wanted to come the way Stiffling.

I was like, I'm doing it because I wanted Stiffler from Road Trick to like me.

No, wait, Stiffler from Road Trick.

Stiffler came hard as shit in Road Trick.

That would be great if that was like one of those

pre-teen epidemics that the local news covered.

It's like, this movie is dangerous.

Teens are shoving candles in their asses, and the paraffin wax melts, and they're getting paraffin poisoning.

You know what's funny?

I fucking

even realize how important the movie Road Trip was to me beating off as a young child.

The first time I ever beat off, I was thinking about the fat black woman from Road Trip.

I think I told this story.

Wait,

she was like a stand-up.

What's her name?

No, not Luna.

Leslie Jones.

Yeah.

No, she just stopped.

Stav jacks off to Leslie Jones.

No, no, I don't.

But I've been.

That is the only person Stav's attractive.

I never beat off dude.

The only person I can come thinking about is Leslie Jones.

Yeah.

Just her screaming.

No, it was a fucking, it was a sexy fat black girl from Road Trip.

The guy that, the one the nerd fucks.

You remember that?

And like the black for the girl.

I don't remember Road Trip.

I love it.

I don't remember it at all.

I beat off the street.

I remember Euro Trip more than I remember Road Trip.

Oh, Road Trip was Tom Green.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, he did There's that Boston-Austin confusion.

Yes, yes, yes.

I remember that movie now.

Boston-America.

Because he accidentally makes a tape of him and there's so many tape elements in those movies.

Right, right, right.

People are always recording things.

Yeah.

Tom Green's moment.

It was before you could just text a fucking sex tape.

Have you guys seen Freddy Got Fingered recently?

No.

It's a masterpiece.

It was a great movie.

It's incredible.

It's very good.

I really thought that it was going to be one of those movies that I liked when I was younger that was just retarded when I grew up, you know, get old.

Like, a lot of movies are like that, but it is.

I cannot believe they got money from a studio to make that movie.

Yeah, it's really stupid.

It's just a huge thing.

I can't believe that they meant like

getting fingered was literally getting fingered.

No, when I watched it, I was like, oh, wow.

Freddy in the title.

Innuendo.

Freddy gets fucked in his mouth in parentheses by a penis.

Yeah, all those comedy movies, they would release the movie, and then they would release, like, the special unrated edition.

There was more titties and shit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The director's cut.

There was a lot of...

Seriously, go back and check out Roach.

There's plenty of titties.

I would like to see if that fill...

I want to watch the scene that I first beat off to you.

I want to watch Forgetting Sarah Marshall, but with 95% more penis.

Yeah.

Their special unrated director's cut.

South Eagles got a nice scene.

That was when they made comedies

feature, comedy features.

There were a bunch that came out every year.

I still do that.

Nobody watches.

Sully, dude.

That movie was hilarious.

Did you see that?

Yeah.

That shit was so funny.

Ben just saw fucking.

Ben, can you edit this?

Can you take Sully, the movie, and then put in the monster from Monster Zinc?

Absolutely.

Just replace

in every scene.

Yeah, yes.

Ben's good at computers and shit.

We can do that.

No, I mean, you guys are.

Yeah, yeah, I know what we're doing.

The minority report shit was so funny.

That's it.

He, my pants.

I think about that from time to time.

That shit is so good.

For real, check out Whamp City.

They're funny as shit.

We added a second ending to it where Robbie edits himself into When Harry Met Sally.

Yeah.

Just the orgasming scene.

And all it does is he just, it just like cuts, it's like a cutaway to him, like looking like confused.

And then it just keeps cutting back to him.

Is he in the restaurants you shoot in cats?

Or do you green screen?

No, no, it's green screen.

Yeah, he just green screen.

He did it really shitty, which is part of the job.

I always wanted to redo that scene, but it's a woman actually trying to fake a realistic orgasm.

Because she has the most shampoo commercial orgasm in that fucking scene.

Yeah.

And he's supposed to be like, wow, I guess they really can fake orgasm.

Right, right, right.

He's got to be grunting and blinking weird.

Fuck my ass.

That was the bit, I guess.

I think we mentioned that on another episode.

I think so.

You did, I guess.

Whatever.

I've listened to every episode.

Honestly,

just ask me.

Whenever I fucking, whenever I don't know if we talked about something, I go to Ben immediately.

Ben is

maybe one of the foremost cum historians.

It's true.

It's true.

I remember it all of all time.

So there's a fuck.

There's a tweet going around right now.

Amber's showing us hate mail.

No, no,

it's a nice tweet about Cumtown.

I guess are we live right now?

No, guys.

Please do me a favor.

Don't ever mention the podcast on Twitter, even in a positive context, because I'll find a way to feel bad about it.

Nah, fuck Nick.

Fuck what Nick says.

I'm trying to protect Nick's feelings.

Yeah.

That's why I do this shit.

You need to mobilize all of Twitter.

This is supposed to be a safe space for you.

The internet is supposed to be a safe space for me.

Stormfront is supposed to be a safe space for people like me.

And then

I'm going to go on Stormfront and complain about that.

I'm going to post for a couple weeks, and as soon as someone criticizes me, my friend Magic.

Mag complain about how it's supposed to be a safe space for white men.

My friend Maggie is allowed to criticize me.

That's so good.

How dare you say that?

Just posting pictures of myself naked.

Placid dick.

Are you smiling for some reason.

What do you guys think of my powerful white body?

Remember, I represent all of us.

My friend was sending me screenshots of like the boards on Stormfront, but like having the dudes having just the most inane conversations.

There was like a thread about the weather.

Yeah.

One of them's like, yeah, I like it when it's hot, but I also like it when it's cold.

Like, I went to Florida and it was too hot for me, but then I just went in the the pool, and then it was okay.

It was just like, oh, these fucking non-communications.

My favorite storyfront thread ever was somebody went to see, like, either the Golden Compass or one of those Narnia movies.

I forget.

It was one of those bullshit fantasy movies that came out in 2009.

And there was one guy that was like, you know, I was really enjoying it until the, and then I don't want to, I mean, it's, it's hard R N-word.

He's like, he's like, until the goddamn N-word Centaurs.

showed up.

And that was his big gripe with the movie is they made the centaurs black.

And he's like, this liberal Hollywood bullshit.

I'm just trying to watch an extremely not gay movie about magic and fairies.

I was on a message board or like a Nazi message board because I just always am.

Yeah, I'm

an admin.

Half of the forums for bald men are Nazis.

Yeah, I know, it's true.

And they have great tips about cutting your hair.

Is anyone on Propecia?

Can I just get a bunch of tiny swastikas tattooed on my scalp until it looks like hair?

But they were talking about Simpsons and trying to just figure out whether or not it was okay to watch it.

Because they're like, they're yellow.

They're Chinese.

Yeah, well, they're yellow, but I think that means they're just white.

But I can't.

What do they do about Lenny and Carl?

Lenny's the black one, right?

No, Lenny's the white one.

Carl's the black one.

Carl's the white one.

Carl's the black one.

I always confuse them.

Yeah, because the white one goes Carl.

Yeah.

True.

Yeah.

Yeah, what do they do about Carl?

I don't know.

I think they probably hate Crime him.

Yeah, Carl, Lou,

and then I think those are the only black characters.

Oh, no.

Sorry.

Dr.

Hibbers, Bleeding Gums, Murphy.

There's plenty of POC representation on

the Simpsons.

That hilarious

Barney Swans technically.

The Pooh is kind of like problematic.

It's so funny how racist the Pooh is.

That's going to be problematic.

Look at the white dude doing.

He's just grandfathered in.

I know.

Yeah, no one can criticize Hankazaria.

It's tough.

Also, the Chinese doctor or whatever.

Or what is that doctor?

Dr.

Nick?

Yeah, Dr.

Nick.

He's like Eastern European.

He's a fair game.

You can do that.

He's like Albanian or something.

Okay, good.

Fuck Albania.

The Mexican B.

Fuck Albania.

Fuck Eldis.

Yeah, the Mexican B.

That's based on this lobster character or something that was on one of those Mexicans.

Univision, yeah.

Univision is the most racist.

Like, if a white person was behind that, it would be the biggest.

It would be a hate crime.

It's just Mexicans and big, big

fake titties, which

I don't understand how that's racist, though.

It's a channel for Mexican people produced in Mexico.

But they're like, they have like.

She's just watching something diverse, and you're like, this is the most racist thing you've ever seen.

Dude, the NBA is like,

they look like they all are in like Mexican face.

Like, every woman is just like, it feels racist to watch it.

I don't know.

That's all I'm saying.

Anybody going to say anything here?

No, we're all waiting to go to the bathroom.

I got a piss real fucking bad, and Adam just went in there.

You guys can't wait?

Oh, he's getting coffee.

Well, that's why that's the problem.

Yeah, she can't wait.

She can go away.

Me and Ben will just chat for three seconds.

That's fine.

Nah, I'll stay here.

So

I've been watching a shit ton of what I like to call the Entoman's Donut Goatee Seagal era films.

Yeah, we watched for a while.

Anything post-2000.

Let me suck off some of the calls.

Probably 2011 or 12.

Okay.

So the last four years of Seagal movies.

And he's never been

particularly an active guy.

Under Jerry, he's in good shape.

He's in no, he's in Above the Law.

First of all, what people don't realize about Seagal is that when Above the Law came out, he was already like 34 years old.

Right.

He wasn't a young guy.

So, his first movie, he was already, you know, like getting on.

And you can see his hairline's fucked up in that movie.

You know, it's all like thin, you know, in the front.

And then in Hard to Kill, his hairline's fixed.

And, you know, he's a little bit fatter.

And he just got progressively fatter throughout his entire career.

Come on, dude.

It's part of the fucking podcast, Amber.

Sorry.

Yeah, that was back in the day when you didn't have to be cut.

Yeah, well, now he's 65 years old, and

he's in his 60s.

His body sucks.

He's still making movies where he's like, we need to send our best special forces out.

And then he spends half the movie in a chair,

refuses to get up.

So we watched last night Sniper Special Ops, and there's no colon.

It's Sniper Special Ops.

And that's because

the Tom Berringer sniper series are not related to sniper special ops.

And he does maybe five seconds of sniping.

It's right in the beginning.

He refuses to take his sunglasses off while looking through the sniper rifle.

So he's wearing these dumb fucking like snowboarding sunglasses while looking down this rifle.

And then when they show the enemies in the reticle, they're like five feet away.

They're taking up the entire scope.

So he's probably, yeah, like 10, 5 feet away from these guys.

That's so awesome.

And missing.

They let him miss.

He refuses to take it off.

You're saying you think Steven Seagal, the actor?

Yeah.

He's like, no, absolutely not.

I'm not getting out of this chair.

I'm not taking off.

Yes, 100%.

I guarantee you that's what it is.

Because the thing about all these movies is they're all produced by Steamroller Productions, which he owns.

That's like a Chinese

Steven Seagal's company.

He owns it with some

Indonesian guy or something.

It's like when you work at a restaurant, you have to wait on the owner of the restaurant.

Yeah, yeah.

so you know, all these people, and then he brings all these fucking old fucks out of retirement, so it's like, you know, like Rob Van Winkle, like dying wrestlers, yeah, it's all like uh, retired Williams really, yeah, yeah.

So,

and Sniper Special Ops, you know, it's all RVD, RVDs in it, yeah, and Sniper Special Ops, he's like Lingo guy, I love it.

He's, yeah, he's playing like uh, you know, they're part of like this like special ops team, and they're all like in the minimum age is 51 years old,

and they're in like Afghanistan somewhere.

Of course, and then they show their commander who's a major, and because it wouldn't make sense, yeah, he's a colonel, and it wouldn't make sense if he was like, you know, their age.

So they have like an 87-year-old man in RV clothes,

like a decrepit old man in RV uniform, and he's like, Well, I don't know if we can get up that mountain by sunrise.

I had a dividing rod tells me there's gold in them hills.

You know, and it just doesn't make any sense.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's so good.

I mean, Segal is like, he literally puts such minimum effort into the action.

Like, the way he fires the gun is like, I can't even describe it.

Just sort of like the podcast.

Yeah, he's just like limp-wristedly fired the gun, like, not even looking where he's shooting at.

No, there's

one scene in Sniper's Special Ops where he's working some radio and he's just sort of lazily pointing the gun at the window next to him in case anyone comes because it's understood that he never really has to aim the gun.

Oh, yeah, his partner also gets shot, and he needs to drag him away.

It's clear that he's like connected to like some sort of wire.

Yeah, and like you see him pulling the guy,

he's just touching his shoulder, yeah, and then the fucking body moves across the ground as to all of a sudden.

I literally almost peed my past.

Anything post-2012 is like this.

And he's got one of those.

Oh, and he talks like a black person now.

Yeah, well, that started with Glimmerman, and it's progressed where now he talks like a slave.

He's a jazz man.

Oh, hell.

You know, these motherfuckers don't

have patience.

He's Prop Joe.

He talks like Prop Joe.

I got a proposition.

I already told these motherfuckers if they don't any of my business.

They're going to have to come around here and

cut me off a little something.

You know, maybe we'll

maybe do a little mission here in a minute.

He should play

Stevens.

Yeah, yeah.

He plays a black guy and Glimmer Man.

For whatever reason, he stops being Chinese and he's black in that movie.

It is a cool type of older black guy, like the guy, the older black guy.

We were talking about this last night, the older black guy that's really into Asian shit.

Which is sort of the original animator.

He would have been a game.

It's the precursor.

It's the precursor to that.

Like 19 John the Batman.

In the 70s, when Kung Fu movies blew up, there was a bunch of black guys that got into martial arts.

That's kind of the birth of black nerds.

Wu-Tang is responsible for a lot of modern culture.

Yeah, for sure.

For sure.

But yeah.

So he has just become one of those older black men that's into Asian stuff.

Yeah.

But eventually, I want to see him do a full blackface movie.

I think if anyone's going to do it, it's going to be him.

Well, what's on

the queue is Asian Connection, which I want to watch with him.

What a fucking retarded name.

I wonder what the connection is and that.

What it's referred to.

It's the connection between Steven Seagal and the dialysis machine.

It's the fucking stint in his arm.

Yeah, they go through his special ops dossier on the computer, and there's a picture of him young.

And we were joking around last night.

It's from a movie.

It's from another movie from 30 years ago.

Yeah, it's from like, yeah, the fucking

universe.

They're all in the same universe.

The cover for Sniper Special Ops, they've just photoshopped his fat head on someone else's body.

Yes.

As poorly as they possibly can.

Oh, man.

That's so cool.

I love his fat head.

No, they just fucking pumped these movies out.

The other one we watched the other night, A Good Man.

That's barely a title.

It's all three words.

A Good Man, yeah.

Does he play the good man?

Yeah, he's the good man.

Of course.

And so basically, the plot is this.

He's like

some kind of ex-special.

It's always ex-special force.

And

he's living in Bucharest.

And

he

just has an apartment, and he's been tracking this weapons dealer that got away when he murdered all these people that killed his partner.

They have a flashback scene in the beginning where you see him sneaking into some building, just fatly going around corners,

while his special ops partner, who looks like a fucking homeless person.

This guy's like, again, 57, 60 years old,

emaciated, shitty, like fucking, you know, like

Civil War general.

Fu Man Shu, Titan.

Yeah, yeah, that kind of shit, you know, like

McClellan.

That's what he was saying.

And he's like, we gotta get into the we you got two tangos on your left, you know?

Yeah.

This homeless guy in the woods on Overwatch and Steven's goal.

And then like a thing blows up and some girl dies.

And so he's upset, so he wants to go find this weapons dealer, who's a Chinese guy.

And he's in Bucharest and he's like like killing these Russian gangsters.

And his calling card when he kills them is he leaves some incense on the ground and then just scribbles some bullshit in Chinese.

And

so

his neighbor, who's this woman, who's like having trouble getting into her apartment one day and has like a young girl with her,

he's like,

you know, and then he just breaks into her apartment for her or whatever.

And then they're in there and he's like, you know,

your kid's nice, or whatever.

And she's like, yes, I love my sister.

And then you see, like, that's supposed to be like, let you know, like, yeah, her pussy isn't ruined.

That's her sister.

It's not her daughter.

And then Seagal is like, your sister, huh?

They made me wonder.

That's what the implication is.

And then, so, uh, and then the plot gets really fucking convoluted.

Where

yeah, the so the the uh arms dealer is doing a deal with the Russian mob who he's not really really interested in, but the Russian mob owns the neighbor and the sister because

her dad owed them money.

So when the dad died, she had to become a bartender in their strip club.

Not a stripper.

Not a whore.

Not a whore.

Not a prostitute.

They just made her be a bartender.

But then she still has a really nice apartment.

The Russian mafia sounds pretty reasonable.

So the Russian mafia loses all their money or something and they owe money to the arms dealer.

And so instead of giving him the money, they're like, We will give you the girl instead.

So, she's their slave?

Their slave, basically.

But the arms dealer, like, I don't know why he would want a girl.

He's like, No, it's $2 million.

I want just some fucking middle-aged Romanian woman, you know.

And then he was like, He's like, Deal.

And then they bring the little girl instead of like the main one.

And he's like, Well, I guess I can sell her to a pedophile.

So he lines up a sale with a pedophile.

And then the pedophile shows up.

What?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's three human transactions in this movie.

Yeah.

And then Seagal shows up with this other guy.

He does this thing now where he brings a younger martial artist in, and they do the majority of the ass kicking.

And then, so Seagal does barely nothing.

Segal meets the younger guy, and he's like, all right, I'll help you, but you got to do everything my way.

And then the guy does everything for himself.

Segal does literally nothing.

They save the guy, or they save the girl.

And then at the end of the movie, the neighbor is just like, you know, basically, like, well, I can't thank you enough.

And then he just fucks her.

He just fucks the bullet.

Even though there's been no romantic connection between the two, he's older than her by 40 years.

They make these poor young actions.

I was going to say, how many people are never going to get any other movie?

Well, the fucking scene is him fully clothed while she's naked and he's just touching her body.

Yeah, he doesn't, he's still wearing his sunglasses.

and that's that's Steven Seagal's definition of a good man.

Yeah, yeah, that's the good man

Fuck, man.

I want to watch this.

I'm jealous.

Dude, they're so good.

Do they ever say good man in the movie?

No, they don't.

That's a big disappointment.

But I mean, they're filled with like basically every trope from the 80s.

You know, like there's another one I watched, Code of Honor, last night, and it opens up with

a bunch of different types of gangs meeting in some meeting area, you know, so there's bikers, and then like

solos, and then black guys, and then Russians, and they meet, and they, of course, have briefcases, and they're like, You got the stuff, and it's like, I want to see the money first, right?

Right, right, right, right, right.

And it's like, I don't even know where you buy a suitcase anymore.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, like that, how much the props department spent days looking for a suitcase to put that money in.

Um, I, this is at this point, this is like an anecdote, like a triple

filtered-down anecdote.

I was, it was Sylvester Stallone on a different podcast, but still, we're talking about Seagull.

He said, Stallone said that he was like in Hollywood or whatever, and he saw Seagull

crying.

It was at a studio.

He saw Seagull crying on like a stoop, and he was just like, He's like, What are you crying?

What are you crying for, Steven?

Yeah, and he's like, I just read the most beautiful screenplay I've ever read in my life.

And there's like, oh my god, who wrote it?

And he's like, I did.

And I just choose to believe that.

100%.

I was saying, I tweeted at him, I really want to write a movie where Steven Seagal kills James Bond.

I don't want licensing.

Yeah, yeah.

You could make that in Russia.

He's best friends with Putin or Adams.

You could do it and you just imply really heavily that it's James Bond without a friend.

No, I want to use the name James Bond.

Who's his James Bond, motherfucker?

Nobody says that name twice to me.

I'm Guaylancho.

Can we just make a shitty action movie?

Yeah, maybe.

That would be awesome.

As shitty as those movies look, they still cost probably $4 million.

No, but you know what I'm saying.

Just like, whatever.

Just do a feature-length.

Rent some Humvees.

It's not that hard.

Yeah, yeah.

We got to take a break.

We have messages.

Oh, shit.

I don't even know if I should say that.

But we're taking a break.

We'll be right back.

Goodbye.

Hey, guys, Nick here, the original Comeboy, the leader, the gearhead, the worst one on the show, the one that should probably kill himself.

And I have a special message just for listeners of Come Town.

Guys, if you know me, you know I'm one of the people that pulls their pants all the way down to P at the urinal.

And no, it's not because I have a neurological disorder.

It's actually because I'm trying to show off my fancy underwear.

That's right, folks.

I've got good underwear and I got it at MacWeldon.com.

And I went online and it was really easy to just go to their website and order underwear directly from them without the shame and humiliation of having to go into a store and explain to you know cashiers and all the customers that I had to replace my old underwear because I don't know how to wipe myself.

I'm a very impatient wiper.

So the order online, it was great for me.

It was one of the easiest shopping experiences I've ever had.

And they're the most comfortable underwear I've ever owned in my life.

And they got other stuff too.

They got some crew necks, scarves, socks.

They got a silver line of underwear and undershirts that are naturally antimicrobial, which is a scientific term, which means they eliminate odor.

so you don't have to brush your teeth anymore, I'm pretty sure.

And I stopped doing that, actually.

And they've got socks and underwear, crew necks, scarves, hoodies that look good for any occasion.

You know, I'm talking, you know, staying in, gaming, maybe going out, maybe coming back home to game more, you know, going to the store, maybe going to a bris.

You can wear these clothes to a bris, people.

That's how nice these are.

These are brisk clothes.

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It's on the house.

Check them out, MacWelton.com.

And we're back.

Woo!

And we're still watching Shark Tank.

The next episode starts in 14 seconds.

And from what I can tell, it's two young black girls, both wearing shirts with pictures of watermelon on them.

Oh, Jesus.

I can only imagine what kind of awful shit I'm going to say.

Here's my idea for Shark Tank.

It's a bicycle that sucks your dick.

They're absolute.

No.

Well, they have a bicycle that has a dick in the seat.

No, no, no.

It's a connected pedal.

I'm talking to Fleshlight.

You move back and forth.

You're not listening.

It's the opposite.

It bobs up the back.

They have that.

They have one with a head on it that moves back and forth.

Yeah.

Fuck.

Fuck.

I'm devastated.

You're just not good at business.

What it means is you don't have business or handling it.

Stick to pussy eating comedy.

I do want to be the world's foremost pussy eating comedy.

I think you are.

I think you are.

I don't think anybody else is.

Trying to carve out that niche.

Yeah.

You've got that handled.

Thank you.

Thank you, guys.

That means a lot.

For me, it's more of a lifestyle decision.

She really is wearing a shirt with a

watermelon on it, dude.

Nick,

chill, dude.

Chill out.

I am being chill.

I'm just saying.

I mean, the sharks are going to notice that.

They're sharks.

They're not going to say anything about that.

That's right.

That's blood in the water.

Yeah.

Delicious, sugary blood in the water.

Sorry, I know I'm stuck on it, but

it's a sassy-looking watermelon.

All right.

This would be the best way to troll.

I don't get it.

It's just a fruit.

What are you talking about, Nick?

Yeah.

This would honestly be the best way to troll, Nick.

Yeah.

Just bring something like this in the room.

And then no one commented on it.

What are you talking about?

And everyone would be like, yeah, convince me I'm having like a schizophrenic episode.

What are you talking about, man?

Their counter offer is just white women.

These ladies are.

It's two white ladies selling something called Soulmates.

Oh, yeah.

And it's Soul, S-O-L-E, not S-O-U-L, the black version, which is the other girls.

Yes.

It's You Pour Jerry Curl Solution into the news.

You know how it's stuck in my head for like a week.

You know that song, Soul Man?

Yeah.

I'm a soul man.

But it's I'm a gay man.

Yes, yes.

How might it go?

I'm a gay man.

Oh, that's from that movie, the gay brothers?

Yeah.

The gay brothers 2000.

Where you just suck off 2,000 guys and

fuck 2,000 men.

Their hats are glued to their heads with calm.

Also, the movie Dome Heads, where they have regular heads, but they suck each other's dicks.

There's a family that loves sucking.

Hell yes.

Dome heads, bitch.

Yeah.

What else?

What else, Dan Ackroyd stuff that we can make gay?

I don't know.

Second titty.

It's a fat man's titty.

Ghost Nutbusters.

I love it so far.

But Ghostbusters is a movie starring women.

Yeah, it is.

That's what I mean.

They actually deleted all the copies of the original Ghostbusters.

Wait.

Kristen Wig goed from city to city burning every DVD.

Ghostbusters.

That's what they're doing at the million.

She men destroyed all over them and ruined it.

So if you put it in your DVD player, it explodes and destroys your man cave.

Replaces everything.

Everything in your man cave gets replaced with scented candles.

It just turns your son gay.

Yeah.

Watch the old ghost play.

Needlepoint motivational.

Home is where the heart is.

Fuck, what was I going to talk about?

Oh, here's something I want to talk about.

Me and Ben were discussing.

Do you guys think Bernie fucks good?

Bernie Sanders?

Yeah.

Sanders?

I think Bernie Sanders.

I think he's all elbows.

I think he fucks good.

I think it's a lot of foreplay.

I think Bernie's really...

Well, I think that I read a thing about how he

Just

playing

Pamber looked disgusted at Adam with his elbows comment.

Yeah.

Well.

She's not on mic.

We're maxed out at four mics with the current gear set up.

I was planning on purchasing something where we'd have additional inputs, but instead I got PlayStation.

Dude, we should have

studio

microphone.

Two

controllers for the PlayStation.

That's true.

Yeah, we can all be.

I was thinking about other people.

We can play FIFA all the time together.

Yeah.

I think Bernie fucks good, man.

And I honestly, I like to think I fuck like Bernie.

You fuck like Bernie Adam?

You fuck like Hillary Nick.

Yeah.

You're selfish.

What do you mean children?

I fuck children.

While full of pizza?

Yeah,

exactly.

You mean you fuck children.

I heard that his basketball game is all well, it's all hustle and all elbows.

Ooh, who did you hear it from?

There's someone, someone did a, like a, I think it was a Desben thing about like they asked the guys that so you he plays pickup.

Yeah.

Hearing means like you know guys that play basketball with Bernie Sanders.

Yeah, yeah.

I just hung out at the Burlington, Vermont YMCA.

Yeah.

And there was like an old man there in the corner.

He was kind of like a

Mr.

Rock.

I published.

Pub open.

Pub open, you fucking stooge.

What do you guys say?

I like your mafia Bernie Sanders impression.

Is that a good Bernie?

Stooge.

In my perfect socialist world, everybody gets free gabagoul.

That's a great character, Italian Bernie Sanders.

Well, my very character is...

Maron, the one percent.

Oof, Maron, these taxis.

Bernie Sendaduccio.

Send the Duccio Leanne.

My very character is rapist Jay Leno still.

Yeah, yeah.

Come here, bitch.

Yeah, I think you're going to wait for me.

No, mean death.

Come here to the Dodge Viper.

I'm going to have sex with you against you with.

There's no exits in this garage.

I've got 19 trucks to hide you in.

So

he's probably bad at sex because he's a car guy, right?

Jay Leno's not good at fucking sex.

Oh, he's definitely bad at sex.

No way is Jay Leno good at fucking.

I love that fuck scene in Gone in 60 Seconds where they're like making childish fucking double entendres at each other.

Like the stick shift.

Angelina and Nick Angelina and Nick.

And Nick Cage.

Yeah.

I've never seen Gone in 60 Seconds.

Oh, we should watch that.

That's the best movie.

That movie is a piece of shit.

Yeah, it's really weird because Nicolas Cage only does the best good movies.

Well, it's funny.

When they let Nicolas Cage be Nicolas Cage, the movies are amazing.

That's true.

Have you seen

Kiss of the Vampire?

Yeah.

What's it called?

Embrace of a Vampire.

Is it?

Something like that.

No, it's Kiss of a Vampire.

There's also Embrace of the Vampire, which has Alyssa Milano naked in it.

Oh, we've talked about that.

Extremely naked.

It's awesome.

It's fucking so good.

And

I know I say beat off to a lot of things, but I remember specific beat-off sessions to this piece of movie.

Mark it down.

To this piece of picture.

Put it on the spreadsheet, Will.

God, I love Embrace Food Environment, dude.

Her titties are so out.

Yeah.

You know what's the best to listen to a lot of movie is like that made-for-TV Joey Botafuco movie where she plays with Amy Fisher.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Never saw it.

Beat Off to Charmed, though.

What?

Yes.

Beat Off to Charmed.

To Charmed.

That other girl was in the sport.

They were all in the middle.

You had a candle in your ass while you were doing that also.

No.

Maybe.

I tried it a couple times.

Yeah.

You know what's funny about the candle in the ass thing is that it immediately became a scented candle afterwards.

It's not the kind of scent you want, but a stanky candle.

Yeah.

What's your question about the candle, Ben?

When you must have been thinking about Stiffler.

Yeah.

I was thinking about the nurse putting his face.

He's hitting his fan.

He has his eyes closed, and it's like Stiffler, like, come hang out with me, Stop Russ.

Thank you, Stiffler.

Nah, dude, because Stoppers is so cool.

Yeah.

I'm willing to go gay for friendship when I was 11 years old.

Actually, probably.

I probably could have been talked into sucking someone off to be friends with them.

Yeah.

Hey, we've all been there.

Yeah, like right now.

You guys want to suck each other off?

You know, nobody wants to hang out with you at the lunch table.

Yeah.

How are you going to do that?

You just do what you got to do.

Right.

Put on some knee pads and you make friends.

Dip your fucking,

just use chocolate milk as lube.

Why?

Because that's what you got at the lunch table, dude.

Oh, yeah, come on.

You want to go mayonnaise?

I guess probably mayonnaise.

In terms of if you had to be at lunch, all right, using only cafeteria.

This is like Apollo 13.

This is all they had.

Yeah, yeah.

Apollo 69.

What would make the best lube?

I guess it is mayonnaise, right?

Well, is there like salad dressings?

You know what I always liked about, you know, how they say space is a vacuum?

And I'd like to imagine astronauts on the space shuttle, and then someone on this, like the space shuttle is like, Well, you know, space is a vacuum, and an astronaut's like, What?

And they're like, Yeah, it's a vacuum.

And then he immediately sticks his dick out of the airlock to get sucked off by space.

It's also like

100 degrees below zero.

Yeah, he says it freezes.

That's what I like.

A nice cold blow jump.

That's awesome.

Yeah, put the ice.

Well, people say you put ice in your mouth and suck dick, or whatever.

Well, you know, they got the

suck off somehow.

I always love that term uh uh eskimo brothers or whatever yeah and it's like do you think any eskimos know about that

yeah what are the eskimos up to in class well the eskimo language running trains the eskimo language is people going uh oh snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snows for snow yeah oh they're just the only word they have yeah

um

there are actual eskimo brothers you know yeah

i mean like there are cultures have brothers sometimes they have brothers do they ever Do they fuck the same?

Do they only exclusively fuck the same?

Are you allowed to fuck your brother's wife in Eskimo culture?

Is that why it's like...

Yeah, that's why they call it.

Because you fuck my wife.

Did you fuck my wife?

What about a snowball fight?

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

It's to come.

You both get your cum in your own mouth and then you spit into each other.

What's the Eskimo word for that, folks?

Write in.

Let us know.

Isn't that also just a retarded thing?

Like, some idiot went to, you know, and just like they have different, like we have sleet or slush or ice, and she was just a fucking idiot and or he was an idiot.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it's like, they have 30 words for snow.

It's 50, right?

Whatever the fuck it is.

I don't think that's even true.

I think that's just some stupid ass anthropologist.

Right.

Yeah, Margaret Mead.

Stupid thumbnail.

Margaret Mead.

Yo, speaking of funny shit from sociology and college and shit, I remember I was in one of my classes,

like one sociologist went to,

I was reading a chapter of a book, and one sociologist went to like a fucking, some culture in like Papua New Guinea or some little island like that.

And like, it was just, like, if you bonded with like a little boy, he sucked your dick.

Like, that was like cool, and that was like the fucking fun thing to do.

Philly, you're talking about?

Yeah, you went to Philadelphia.

Everyone's like, you can't judge it, though, because it's a culture.

Yeah, it's just, and some little kid tried to suck the guy's dick while he was over there, and he was like, nah, I'm good, dude.

I got a wife.

And he's like, no, it doesn't matter.

We're just friends.

like that just a thousand years ago whoever was like the leader of that island was a pedophile and then he just got to well greece was like that yeah well no that's how you you learn quicker if someone fucks you in the ass yeah no yeah japan was like completely samurai samurai samuraiz all that boys

yeah that's just some pedophiles were in power and just like this makes it easier to learn yeah it's awesome yeah how does that start i think it's literally that i think people just someone likes to fuck but then so many people just go along with it.

Like,

he's just like, all right, I guess I'll get some of that.

Yeah, dude, that's kid.

That's what culture is, man.

Damn, dude.

Bro.

Yeah, man.

Fuck, dude.

I mean, I guess that's normal.

You know, we like to do weird things in this culture, right?

Like what?

You know, like.

Name one thing that we do that's weird in this culture.

We drink like milk from other animals, bro.

What?

That's fucked up, man.

Dude, it's like you fucking.

Some people fuck dogs.

Yeah, that seems kind of tight, though.

What if there was a coffee shop in New York that had breast milk?

Like, they were like breast milk owned.

I'm surprised that doesn't exist.

Yeah, that should be a thing.

Louis Calik drank

that

peak like Lena Dunham brand feminism mid-last year when people were making yogurt and bread in their vagina.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

That was the thing.

It was like, this is empowering.

And it's like, for who?

Yeah, this is a weird issue.

Who is that empowering for?

Oh, shit, the CrossFit games just came on.

How is this still Shark Town?

All these hard bodies, dude.

Yo,

that's me.

If somewhere there's a sexy-ass shredded woman that wants to beat up a fat man and a huge woman.

Jesus, look at that woman's delts, dude.

Just holler at me.

At Stavi Baby on Instagram.

S-T-A-V-V-Y-B.

Why is CrossFit?

Why is it?

I don't even get it.

People just want to work out.

Because it's more involved than a regular gym.

It's just because they have like

the way commercial gyms work is you sign up for a membership.

There's all these bullshit fees.

And then they say, you know, like, oh, and you can get a personal trainer also.

And you've already spent so much fucking money on the initial membership that you're like, no, I don't need that.

I don't need any extras.

You already charged me $100 additional sign-up fee.

So they have the gym membership and they go once or twice and they don't know what the fuck they're doing.

And then they get discouraged and they never go back.

With CrossFit, like the first time you go there, you know exactly what you're doing.

So it's like having a personal trainer, but it's not like that weird one-on-one.

Because anybody that has a personal trainer at the gym looks like a fucking asshole, yeah.

You know, you go to a commercial gym, it's for like you know, divorced men that have never done a push-up in their life, yeah, and they're trying to fuck at 40 for the first time, right?

Damn, I kind of want to do that, though.

I want to fuck, I want to get a personal trainer to teach me how to fuck, dude.

Isn't your brother a personal trainer?

Yeah, but he lives in fucking Frostburg.

Yeah, Skype him in, Skype him in, yeah,

just wearing fucking

Skype into his gym.

Oh, true.

And then you just watch the exercise.

You could be his, like, PhD thesis, dude.

My fat brother.

Turn my fat brother into a sexy, fucking ripped bro.

I mean, I'm sexy, don't get me wrong, but I want to be ripped, dude.

I want to be strong.

I want to fight people.

Wouldn't it be cool to just be physically stronger?

I think they should do that, dude.

Like, I'm not really into mixed martial arts.

I never got into UFC or anything, but I would watch it if they only had people that were completely out of shape.

Because there's more on the line there.

Absolutely.

Like, I'm not really worried about two guys that look like they know how to fight.

If it was two people that could possibly die

from a stroke, I would do that thing.

I would fight another similarly out-of-shape fat man.

This is like similar.

It's like bum fights.

Yeah, fat fights.

We should do it.

I was based in Vegas.

Bum fights?

Bum fights.

Was Kimbo from Vegas?

How about that?

Kimbo is in Florida.

Come fights.

Just fat guys fighting.

I like that.

I like that a lot.

Vegas produces a lot of garbage, huh?

Yeah, really bad.

It was really bad growing up there.

Yeah.

Why did your family move to Vegas?

I don't know.

I don't know.

To hit it rich.

Yeah, no, I mean,

they were already in L.A.

No, they weren't.

No.

You said your parents were like millionaire architects.

No,

they were not.

They lost.

Yeah, they moved to Vegas out of the way.

Because they were blue-collar architects.

They fled South Africa, right?

Yeah,

it was like the fastest-growing city in America.

Yeah.

But by waiting.

Until they just read the article wrong.

No, until Texas is the fattest place in the country.

The fattest-growing city.

I mean, it was weird growing up there.

I mentioned, I don't think I talked about it in the last episode, but like...

The only thing you could do at 18, because you couldn't go to the strip, you couldn't gamble, you couldn't do anything, was go to strip clubs.

So me and my friends would just go in the middle of the desert, get high, and then we'd be bored, and then we'd be like, All right, let's go to the titty bar, right?

And then we'd go to the titty bar, and we'd just be two-stoned.

And then there'd be like some lady with fucking stretch marks, you know, dancing in a puddle of mud, and it'd be so fucking depressing.

You know,

we go to fucking little darlings and see some lady, you know, fucking dancing.

Did you ever fuck a prostitute in Vegas while you were young?

No, never, no.

I wouldn't know what to do.

What, take her, take her to my parents' house?

I feel like your dad dad would be cool with that.

No, he would not.

I don't know.

Yeah, no.

Maybe?

No, they wouldn't be cool with it.

But

they would not.

Of course they would.

Imagine going to your fucking family's home.

Hey, mom, this is a fucking whore.

And I'm going to go fucking upstairs while you do dishes and shit.

That would be so awesome.

Yeah, I think they'd be confused at first.

What are you talking about?

No, I wouldn't say that it was a prostitute.

I'd be like, this is, you know,

this is my friend yeah nastasha yeah she's uh yeah a russian uh 18 year old girl with braces

she definitely did not come here in in a shipping container like in the season two of the wire she definitely uh i met her yeah no it was uh it was yeah it was a weird place to grow up for sure yeah but then i moved to the east coast and everyone thinks i'm from new jersey so Really?

Yeah, because I'm Jewish or whatever.

You're Jewish.

Yeah, yeah.

Because you're Jewish and annoying.

Yeah, yeah.

This jersey written all over it.

I guess so.

Is that it?

Long Island?

Yeah.

Not quite Long Island.

They're more fucking like...

No, there's a bunch of, you know,

J-O-Os out there.

No, I know, but I don't pick up Long Island from you because you get Jersey.

It's well, not even either of those, but I feel like Long Island's more obnoxious, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was watching that Deep Water Horizon movie with my friend from Long Island yesterday, and he kept saying, you want to watch this Deep Water Horizon movie?

Yeah, he says, like the Philly way.

I guess in Long Island they say Wooder as well.

Philly is so trashy.

I was there yesterday.

They talk exactly like Dundall.

Like they have the same fucking terrible voice.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's Mid-Atlantic.

Yeah, it's a Delaware talks that way, too.

And Philly cheesesteaks suck my dick also.

No, there's good ones there.

Yeah, but just not Pats or Ginos.

Pats or Ginos suck dick.

Yeah, they're bad.

They're horrible.

I go to Gino's because I ordered fucking English.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

Politically, I stand with Gino's.

Yeah, you gotta go.

It would be great to go in there and order an Italian and see if they kick you out.

Damn, I want to sandwich that.

I bet you didn't think of that, Gino, did you?

Or go into Pat's and order in Irish, I guess, or a potato word over and over.

Is that an Irish?

Is that an Irish?

Patrick, I don't know.

I don't know.

Probably not.

Probably Irish.

Did we talk about how

there was another one?

One of the other famous ones was just called Chink's Steaks.

Yeah, yeah.

It was a funny steak.

Dude, and it changed its name to Joe's in 2012.

It was Ching Steaks that entire time.

And the backstory was that, because when I first saw it, I was like, that's got to be a mistake.

There's no way it's called Chink Steaks.

And then the backstory is that the guy that owned the place as a kid, he looked sleepy.

So his nickname was Chink.

Yeah, he just had fucking.

So it's not racist.

It's a white guy being called Ching.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because he looks like a Chinese eye.

Right.

That was the story there.

Sorry, I was enthralled by this guy that's just trying to sell chocolate on Shark Tank.

He's just selling Kinder Eggs?

They're all crying.

They're always crying.

They say he's good.

He started off crying.

Yeah, no, he

is going to get it?

Oh, they're shark tank kinder eggs?

Yeah, but the kinder eggs are illegal in the United States.

He found a loophole.

What is it?

You put gasoline in the chocolate so it counts as fuel.

Yeah, yeah.

And that way you can get past the FDA.

Wait, why are kinder eggs illegal in the United States?

Yeah.

I think it's still a choking hazard, but technically.

Because kids were taking the balls out of the chocolate and putting them in their ass, and it was getting stuck in there.

God damn it, Stav.

You ruin everything.

No, it wasn't.

Candles were illegal in the United States because of one boy

on a road trip.

How wide of a candle are we talking about?

That's what I was about to ask.

It was like a Chaba's candle.

Was it an entire menorah?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

candle?

It was Liberace's candle opera.

It was a Roman candle that I put in and set off into my ass.

It was like a fucking little comedian candle type of thing.

Yeah.

It was one of those candles

in the commemoration room in the Holocaust Museum.

It was like, I'll fucking, you know, did you guys ever play with it?

When he said I watched Road Trip, he was confused and meant I was on a road trip with my class to the Holocaust Museum.

Yeah.

And I put a candle in my ass.

But I'm sex popping.

And I called my ass the secret animals, man.

That was an Anne-Frank joke.

Oh, sorry.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, apparently she didn't get sold out.

They just revised that history.

Does anyone do a bit about how, like,

like publishing her private diary is so much worse than being gassed by the Nazis?

Oh, man.

Then essentially, her father was worse than the Nazis.

Her dad was the one who lived.

Yeah, dad was the one that's.

Wait, really?

Yeah.

Yeah.

She sold them all all out.

No, no, no.

That'd be so good.

But that'd be really so, wouldn't it?

Apparently, they didn't get sold out.

That was like,

apparently, it was just like a random.

Basically, what happened with Anne Frank was that her father was indebted to the Russian mafia.

And so the Russian mafia had to sell Anne Frank to a Chinese pedophile.

And then Stephen Seagall saved her.

Wow.

He's like a 40 ticker.

I've read her diary.

I would love to see, you know, how funny it is that Wahlberg makes like Deepwater Horizon and that Boston marathon bombing movie.

Yeah.

If Stegall was doing the same thing, where he stops 9-11, but he just refuses to get out of a chair.

Sitting in first class, and he's just lazily reaching into the cockpit

and slap-killing everyone.

Yeah, he loves a slap-kill.

That's his move.

And he's so lazy that the movie is just called 9-1.

I'm not saying three numbers.

You're only getting two numbers out of me.

Oh, wow.

I saw that movie.

I saw Patriots Day.

The other day I went to the theater and I was like, I don't want to see hidden figures.

I don't want to watch a serious movie.

And then I was like, Mark Wahlberg and Patriots Day.

That sounds like it's probably like a dumb action movie.

I thought it was going to be like White House Down.

Yeah.

And it's like a really realistic Boston marathon bar.

Yeah, it's Pete Berg.

And I just, I cried.

Really?

I hear it's not bad.

It's actually funny.

These fucking Muslim kids that did this.

It's surprisingly not as anti-Muslim as you'd think.

Really?

Is the kid that plays Nick's out?

I hear the kid.

Yeah, it's not super, you don't, it's not super conservative.

If Wahlberg doesn't wipe his ass with a turban, then I don't want to see it.

No, he doesn't even say one slur in it.

Yeah.

In a Boston accent.

It's got a lot of A-listers.

He does beat up about 12

A-listers, if you ask me.

There's a lot of gay listers.

Dude, so

the kid who plays

nice man.

The hardest I've heard Nick laugh.

Yeah, we got him.

Three weeks.

We can't take breaks anymore.

Yeah, let's pump it.

We're so upsetting sometimes.

I think that's funny, dude.

Gaylist is celebrating.

Gaylist celebrities.

I'm with you.

Yeah.

Actually, I'm friends with a lot of gay list celebrities.

Yeah, they're on the gay list.

The Hollywood gay list.

Hollywood gay list.

How about a website called Headline?

Or sorry, Deadline.

Or not Deadline, Headline.

And it's a good one.

God damn.

That's so funny.

I keep getting distracted by fucking shark tanks.

Yeah, let's just selling popcorn.

We should not

watch changes.

We're done.

We've done our time for this week.

I think this has been a good episode.

It actually is a good episode.

Let's plug the show.

Yes, the 23rd, this upcoming Monday, we have a show.

Come on, everybody.

Great lineup.

Great lineup.

We're really lucky.

Abby Rosenquist, Mike Leibowitz, Langston Kerman, very funny, bros.

Also, I wanted to fucking say I'm on a benefit for Planned Parenthood

Friday, January 27th at Art Space

PS109.

I'll have my shit on Twitter and all that kind of stuff.

But yeah,

that's going to be another good one, and all the money goes to Planned Parenthood.

I went to a Planned Parenthood benefit at the museum on the ceiling or the roof of the museum.

That's a really nice spot.

It was great.

In D.C.

There were like senators there.

Dana brought me.

I was wearing basketball shorts.

They had an open bar, and I just got trashed on the balcony.

And

I feel like I changed a lot of people's minds

about

abortion.

You ain't anti-abortion?

You should have been aborted.

Yeah.

Right.

Well, no, they were on board with abortion.

So yeah, anyway, so come to our show.

And then, you know, if you want to come to Planned Parenthood thing, we're raising money for,

you know.

Yeah, and a lot of people have asked.

The ticket link is now up on the website.

It wasn't up until, I think, yesterday or something.

We had a poster snafu.

Apparently, the poster our friend made was a little bit racially insensitive.

You might as well tweet it, right?

The poster?

No, it's not even racially insensitive.

Anyway, but the fact that I'm saying it was just Chief Wahoo.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We just used the logo of the Washington Redskins.

It was us in Blackface fake hanging ourselves, which I don't get with the point.

What's so racist about that?

Yeah, it was really just, it was so innocuous.

Ben, you seem upset.

I'm not upset.

I was watching Shark Tank.

Yeah.

Anyway, all right.

Well,

that's it, you fucking celebrity.

Should we riff on gay list celebrities?

That one was good for me.

It was good.

I like gay lists.

There's going to be a charity event.

There's a lot of gay list celebrities there.

I'm going to be laughing about that for a week and a half.

Oh, fuck.

All right.

Well, goodbye, everyone.

Bye, folks.

Later.

Thank you.

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