Ep. 35 – Cum Town Fires Back
We go in hard on Compound Media for kicking us out of the Anthony Cumia studios. Adam will personally fight any of the Staten Island salami-mongoloids that pay their bills
Listen and follow along
Transcript
The clock is ticking to get the most of your summer behind the wheel of the upscale all-electric Jeep Wagoneer S and innovative Chrysler Pacifica plug-in hybrid.
And right now, get 0% financing for 72 months on the 2025 Chrysler Pacifica plug-in hybrid and the 2025 Jeep Wagoneer S, plus you may qualify for up to a 7,500 federal tax credit.
See your California Jeep brand dealer and California Chrysler dealer today.
Finance offer not compatible with any other offer.
0% APR financing for 72 months equals $13.89 per month per 1,000 financed for well-qualified buyers through Stellantis Financial, regardless of down payment.
Not all customers will qualify.
Contact dealer for details.
The federal tax credit is offered by a third party and is subject to change without notice.
Please confirm this information to ensure its accuracy and availability.
Consult the tax professional for details and eligibility requirements.
Income and other restrictions may apply.
Purchases are not eligible if the customer exceeds adjusted gross income limitations: $300,000 for married filing jointly taxpayers, $225,000 for head of household filers, and $150,000 for single-filers.
Offers end September 30th.
Chrysler and Jeep are registered trademarks.
And we're back.
Back from break.
Woo!
The break between episodes, psych.
Yeah, I was confused.
Yeah, I did that to confuse you.
Damn, I'm fucking flustered.
So you're listening to Come Town, no longer in the Anthony Cumiya studios.
We've been kicked out and booted.
We're now broadcasting live from the Black Lives Matter studios.
Yeah.
The top of the Black Pyre State building.
Yeah, we've changed all of our last names to Africa.
Yeah.
I'm Bombada.
Stavros Bombada.
My name is.
I was going to do Nick X because, you know, Mullin's my slave name.
Right.
But I decided that Nick is also my slave name.
So now I'm XX.
Oh, tight.
Now I'm Dosakis.
You're the most famous.
Yeah, they got a new Dosakis guy.
He sucks, dude.
The old guy was much better.
Who's the new guy?
He's having you ugly fucking.
You better not be another old-ass white man.
That's what I'm tired of.
Yeah, dude.
As a POC, the Mediterranean American.
The jury's.
Yeah, you are one of the lower European cast.
I'm trying to get the Nazis back on board.
You know, you're not like a Roman-y
gypsy, but the Greeks are like a couple rungs above you.
Yeah, we fucked the Nazis up actually in the fucking World War II.
No, you didn't.
No, you didn't.
What'd you do?
You fucked Feta at Italy.
They slipped on Feta.
No, fuck both of them.
The only people that actually beat the Nazis were the Russians.
Everyone else thinks they did.
No, we held the Russians
beat them for months.
We were throwing 20 million bodies.
You guys can suck by dicks.
The Russians beat the Nazis.
No one else helped or did anything.
We helped
suck me off.
Nah, we held off both Italy and the Nazis.
Italy couldn't fuck our ass, and Germany had to come in.
They had to do a two-front war on Greece while we were throwing rocks and shit at them.
We fucked them up with superior big dickery.
That's how we did it.
There you go, baby.
Also, fuck both you pieces of shit because I was right about means and averages.
Shouts out to the listeners.
Oh, yo, shout out to my friend Hadass, who played that part of Come Town for her middle school math class
that got us all laughed at by a group of affluent Brooklyn middle schoolers.
It's like, why you need to learn
a child.
I wasn't really even listening to that.
Shut up.
Shut up.
I was right.
You were both wrong.
You don't need to know the difference between means and ends.
Look at this pivot, dude.
Look at this fucking pivot.
I'm right.
I'm right in this instance.
I've been right about everything.
No, when it comes to social sciences, like what things you need to know or what's going to happen to four teenagers who commit a hate crime, I'm usually right.
And I'm fucking right.
I was right in that instance and I'm right in this one.
You don't need, first of all, why do they have two words for a thing?
You don't need two words for a thing.
Things have one name.
Who cares?
The point is, I'm right, and we can move on now, boys.
That's fine.
Well, what were we talking about, anyways?
What was the underlying income?
I don't fucking remember.
Who cares?
It doesn't matter.
Who cares?
But yes,
the Greeks held off the Nazis.
I'm right about it.
I'm a mathematician, and you're both.
Really, it was the Jews who held off the Nazis.
Yeah, they were a little pretty.
I like you.
Oh,
the Russians threw a bunch of people at the Nazis, but you should see what the fucking Jews did.
Now, that is a war of of attrition right there.
Listen, we played the long game.
Yeah.
It's like, how much different if there was like a Jewish army, how much different would their participation be than what actually happened?
That they just can't hold the guns and they're dropping them.
There was three years later, there was a Jewish army that
did something like that.
Well, they killed Arabs.
Yeah, but Arabs are hearing.
They're not like the Jewish army.
You know how easily Arabs die?
You're just basing this on video games.
Arabs die.
So easily.
I love how, by the way, the sinister-ass Arab music on battlefields.
Yeah, anytime that Arab music is playing, you know something bad is about to happen.
Well, I think the way the Jews beat the Arabs is
they had a flute player go, da-da-da-da-da-da-da.
Oh, wow.
Then they were all hypnotized.
That's a theory.
I think that's what it was.
That's a theory.
Well, their only weapon at the time was a snake that comes out of a bass.
Right, exactly, exactly.
I think that's true, probably.
Politifacts says that's true.
What was the
rhyme for that?
Wasn't there like a childhood rhyme?
There was
something where
there's a place
that's in, and then the dick goes in.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.
Yeah, yeah.
Wait, is that talking about ass fucking?
I don't know.
There's always a song about killing your teacher.
Right.
Yeah.
It's always something like that.
Also, the Jingle Bells, Batman.
We never hit on that on the holidays.
The Batman version?
I think Patty Moe had a big
numbers on the tweet about that.
Yeah.
Do you think
DC Comics was the originator of that rhyme?
Yeah.
That that was a virus.
It's like spearing off icing.
It was like icing people.
Yeah, yeah.
Like an old Jewish adman, like in a
we're going to do a song.
It's going to be a song about Batman, but look, it's going to make Batman seem bad
until you get people to sing it.
And we're going to, this is, look, this is part of a long, 50-year campaign that we're Jewishly calling the War on Christmas.
And it starts with Batman.
That's where it all came from, ladies and gentlemen.
That was the first viral marketing.
Do you think, can you believe that, like,
the fact that people thought Smearnoff Ice wasn't behind icing people?
Yeah.
That's so stupid.
And every fucking bro was doing it, like, oh, dude, it's so gay to drink Smearing Off Ice.
It's like, now you got to chug this drink, this free drink.
That shit was fucking dumb as hell, dude.
They were behind it?
Absolutely.
Of course they were.
I never thought.
You never thought
I thought too hard about it.
Yeah, I think Blake Midget is still icing me.
I saw something like
on like Instagram or something, pictures of him like drinking smearing off ice.
Blake's the kind of guy that would just drink smearing off ice.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He could drink anything.
I don't give a fuck.
Yeah.
That's why I love when people talk about how, like, oh, like, oh, I'm, you know, I was an alcoholic and I just couldn't get enough Belvedere.
Right, right, right.
It's like, no, real alcoholics just drink.
Yeah.
Literally, like, battery ice.
Cooking wine.
Yeah, right.
It doesn't fucking matter.
Yeah.
Fucking preference.
Fuck, boy.
I'm feeling sick, dude.
I did the Creek in the Cave High Show, the High Five Show, where you just get stoned as hell.
And I split like
there was like 12 blunts going around this room with just people I don't know.
And I know I got some kind of weird fucking horror.
What if you got AIDS from sharing blunt?
That's happened.
That can happen, dude.
That's how Big L died.
He's looking at a very large joint.
No, actually.
actually, that's how he got his name.
Big L had AIDS, but he died from being murdered.
Big L got got.
He didn't have AIDS.
No, he got GOT, but he also had AIDS.
Oh, he did not have AIDS.
We can look this up.
A lot more people than you think had AIDS.
Big L did not have AIDS.
He was a goon, and he got GOT in the streets.
Easy E had AIDS.
Walt Disney had AIDS.
Walt Disney definitely had AIDS.
Walt Disney had AIDS.
Franklin Delano Roosevelt had AIDS.
Yeah, just on the lower half of his body, though.
He stopped it.
He fucked so much.
Back then, you could isolate AIDS.
Dude, you know FDR ate pussy like a champion, dude, because his dick didn't work.
His whole lower body.
No, he just couldn't walk.
I don't think polio affects your dick.
I bet you it does.
Well, I know paraplegics can still use their dick.
It's two different systems.
But
they don't get.
Their dick doesn't feel good.
No, they come and shit.
Yeah, they come, but as a
mission.
They got horse together.
Yeah, Lieutenant Dan was doing that to show that he wasn't inadequate.
He didn't feel good.
How do you know?
Dude,
I read the subtext.
You know who my hero is?
I read the subtext.
My favorite person in all of cinema is the principal from Forrest Gump.
Oh, yeah.
It's like, well,
we might have a spot for your retarded son,
but it's going to cost you.
The one that Sally Field sucks off.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Dude, Sally Field is a fucking tramp, dude.
She was just sucking him off.
Her retarded son.
She should have just put him in the fields, and then she fucking lies about...
Why does he go to war?
He's retarded.
Let the man stay and he trops at home.
He's not retarded.
That's why Tropic Thunder is such a great movie.
They explain it perfectly.
Because he's half retard?
Because he's not full retard.
Yeah.
Like Forrest Gump, kind of slow, but not retard.
Yeah, he was retarded, dude.
I think he was, yeah, I think he was like my cousin.
He owns a business.
Doesn't he go to the Olympics in that movie?
That movie, look, Forrest Gump sucks, dick, dude.
Yeah, ping pong.
Table tennis, part of the title.
Which is a retarded sport.
No, it's not.
No, it's just one that's not.
You know, the effect is It's not.
The retarded sports are like power walking,
synchronizing.
Tug of war.
Yeah,
opening a fortune cookie.
Opening a fortune cookie and being able to read it.
That's sticking the landing.
Unfastening a seat belt.
Yeah, flipping your eyelids inside out.
The power limits don't let him keep going.
He's on a roll.
Pulling your pants all the way down at the urinal.
Yes.
That's how they put the medals on them.
They don't stand at the urinal.
And you have to pull their clasp it in your ass.
Somehow it's a perfect 10 every time they do that.
Oh, fuck.
Yeah, no, that is so great that he just fucks for a retarded.
Eating free samples at the mall.
Yeah.
Well, that's a crossover of fat and retarded.
Yeah.
Well, a lot of them they share.
Well, the powerlifting at the Special Olympics has to be world-class.
It has to be be
four times the regular powerlifting.
Why don't they just let him compete in the regular Olympics?
They have diminished strength.
That's not a real thing that they have extra strength.
Our strength.
Really?
I disagree.
They just have.
You know what I think it is?
Based on the
limited pain response.
Everything's diminished.
So it's not that they're stronger.
It's that they just don't feel pain like you.
Oh, it's like being on meth or angel dance.
I just remember this kid in middle school when we were doing the presidential fitness challenge doing like 100 pull-ups.
And I'm like, Jesus fucking Christ.
And then in the locker room, we used to make him pull down his pants and show us.
He told this story.
Giant monster.
So you molested a retarded kid.
We didn't molest him.
We were just like, molestation.
Robert, should anybody touch his dick?
No, even if he touched it.
No way.
He thought it was cool that we all laughed.
We all laughed.
That is so the precursor to molestation.
There was no molestation.
And I was not part of it.
I was now waiting 30 seconds ago until we used to get him to show us his video.
Oh, I used to obviously always tattle to Mr.
Pryor, our British gym teacher, who we found out throughout the year had testicular cancer.
And we made so many ball jokes
to this poor gentleman.
Is he dead?
I don't know.
I think he's alive.
Testicular cancer is pretty treatable, right?
You just get your
British.
Because most
crowd.
They only have one ball anyway, so it's very small.
Testicular cancer for the part of
their circumcision process there.
They have the other ball removed and the other one's shrunk with T.
Yeah, it's
a testicular cancer for the British, they're very proud, so
it's like a British naval captain going down with his ship.
If my bollocks are inflamed, I'm going to die from it.
I will not elect for
surgery.
This is my one bollock.
I've been given.
They insist
on the dying.
They insist on dying from testicular cancer.
They insist.
The number two disease in Britain is, of course, bad posture.
Yeah.
And gingivitis, number three.
Yeah.
Gingivitis.
Scoliosis is basically its terminal over there.
You just loop over till you're
if you can't stand up straight, you know,
they put you to death.
Oh, so that's an execution type situation.
Sort of.
Yeah.
And if you stand up really straight, is that how you get to be the guy who guards the queen with those hats?
Yeah.
The Mark Simpson hats?
The Mari Simpson hats?
Yeah, yeah.
I always thought that.
Is there a real - can you really ⁇ because in every, like...
In so many pieces of media, it's like, oh, they can't move at all.
They can't do anything.
I'm sure so many people get arrested thinking that.
Oh, yeah, of course.
For sure.
Yeah.
You'll then suck their dicks.
In The Simpsons, Homer is, like, they go to England.
Homer's like fucking with one of them.
He just gets punched in the face.
Yeah.
Oh, fuck.
What do they do?
They guard Buckingham Palace?
Yeah.
What a trash name, fucking palace.
Yeah.
Let's get Buckingham wild.
Give him the swashbucket palace.
So we're going to put the queen.
When's that bitch going to die, though?
When's that queen?
Let's talk.
They always go for more queens, dude.
Who's the next queen?
Charles?
Charles?
He has to be trans.
Queen Charles.
King Ragnant.
Is that what it is?
I'm not calling him king.
I'm calling him Queen, dude.
Queen Charlie.
There's Queen Chuck.
Queen Baby.
Yeah, I've always been Team Chuck.
He got cucked by that tramp, Diana,
with some Muslim guy, right?
And then they killed him in that tunnel.
We don't know what happened in that tunnel.
Dodi Al-Fayed?
Dodi Al-Fayed, is that his name?
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, that's a good pull.
Yeah, well,
I'm a huge Princess Diana expert, actually.
I had the Princess Diana Beanie Baby, the purple one, which came out the day before she died, by the way.
That's really interesting.
That is true.
Whoa.
Yeah, they knew.
I think that T.Y., the Beanie Baby Company, was behind it to
goose sales.
That seems like the plot of one of the shittier, later Pierce Brosnan and James Bond
is like,
with, did you see Tomorrow Never Dies?
Yeah, where they got a new movie.
That might be the worst James Bond movie of all that.
Yeah, it's pretty bad.
The only good news, Mr.
Bond, is bad news.
I don't think I've seen that.
Well, basically, the plot of Tomorrow Never Dies is James Bond has to stop gawker, essentially.
That's who the bad guy in that movie is just Nick Denton.
He's like a weird, gay, British guy that just loves bad news.
And so he's like starting some war with China.
Who played that guy?
Malcolm McDowell.
No, not Malcolm McDowell.
Andy
Dalek.
Andy Dick.
I can't remember that actor's name now.
Fuck.
Whatever.
It doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter.
Andy Serkis.
He was a.
I knocked you off course.
He was a CGI gorilla.
First of all, fuck Andy Serkis.
What are you talking about?
He's the best actor in Hollywood.
He sucks Dick, dude.
Anyone can do that shit.
Oh, fucking walk around on all fours and look sad.
Jonathan Price.
Jonathan Price.
Yeah.
How do you feel about Andy Serkis?
He sucks Dick, right?
I think he's the best actor in Hollywood.
They put small little bubbles.
That shit sucks.
They put the small motion bubbles on his face.
They should do that.
So they get all his facial acting.
That shit is like PlayStation level facial acting.
I don't know, dude.
I think that.
I could do that so easily.
I'm sad.
Golem sad.
There you go, dude.
That's 100%.
The apes?
Did you see the apes?
The apes, he just scowled.
He's a fucking monkey.
That shit is not hard to do.
You know, I think that's a good idea.
That guy, Anthony Curie like that.
The best actor is the guy inside R2D2.
Yeah, that is way more impressive than jumping around in a fucking scuba.
I think that's because he was really sweaty.
And and frowning.
Yes, because it's hot.
That's harder.
That's way harder than fucking just being.
What was he doing inside R2DP?
Is R2-D2 in the new Star Wars movie?
No.
No, but they have a fucking...
They have a new C-3PO.
Yeah.
He just like jacked.
He's an autistic C-3PO.
Wait, wait, there's a jacked C-3PO.
Yeah, he's just a big ass fucking black C3PO.
But he talks the same way.
Yeah, yeah.
No, he's not.
So he's like the guy that plays Elmo.
No, C-3PO is like...
A big black guy that just has some weird gay voice.
No, no, no, this guy wasn't like a gay British guy.
He was just more of like an emotionless.
No, he was a gay British guy.
Was he?
Yeah.
He talked exactly like C-3PO.
C-3PO talked like someone was always pulling his pants.
He turned it down a little.
Yeah, he's
not right now.
C-3PO just talks like he's just like, you're 30 seconds too quick into gay sex.
He's just like, ooh!
I didn't know they had a black C-3PO now.
That's so funny.
I mean, he just
talked black at all.
That would have been cool if he talked about it.
That game brigade shit is fucking real.
I'm back into gaming now, and literally every game, it's like, yeah, you
play a gay, trans black woman.
That's not true.
Yeah, no, it is true.
FIFA's like that.
I haven't played the FIFA?
FIFA, you have to play an interracial
whose abusive white father has left, has abandoned him.
So
he has to be raised by his black mom.
But that is everyone.
That is every plotter.
Every poor British.
If Battlefield won, all you play is a black guy.
It's like World War I.
And that's just when the army was still segregated.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But they have it as, which, you know, I don't give a shit.
Did they whitewash the segregation in World War I?
No.
There's just no white people you can.
What was the first war that was desegregated?
Vietnam?
No, World War II.
No, World War II was still segregated.
That's when it happened.
I thought it happened in the middle of World War II.
No, I think it was Vietnam.
I think everyone was getting.
It would have been Korea.
It definitely happened after World War II.
Everyone was blazing up in Vietnam, and they were like, you know, you're black, I'm white.
We're not so different.
Yeah, it was the unifying war.
Yeah, yeah.
Everyone fucked horse together.
This shit sucks, dude.
Well, there were like
long time.
We love you long time.
There were like
Operation Psyche, Sucky, Fuggy, Fucky.
There were like integrated regiments and shit.
Because I know like Pershing.
Didn't he have...
Didn't like Pershing control black regiments or something while he was prior to him being a general?
Yeah, I think so.
I think World War II is when it started.
No, no, that would be like
the Spanish-American War.
Oh, Spanish-American War.
That goes, yeah, way back.
Like,
like
around the turn of the century.
Well, I'm sure, yeah, obviously they always used fucking black people to fight.
They just, whenever they could, they would use black people to do
uncool shit.
That's what America's history is.
It's just like, shit we don't want to do, shit white people didn't want to do, they just made black people do.
So I'm sure black people fought in every war.
That's the same way.
That's the same way fucking people.
Well, they actually wouldn't.
They wouldn't let them.
They would have to have like supply rolls and shit and be like cooks.
Yeah, I mean, but they would make them do shit in every war.
Yeah.
Right?
Were they
black combat battalion?
Oh, yeah, glory.
Never mind.
I was going to ask the Civil War.
But then, obviously,
history
by watching a brilliant movie with Denzel Washington, Matthew Broderick.
Well, you know what that doesn't show is that
a lot of black people were actually happy and fought for the South.
It's kind of like being unfair, you know.
Yeah, they really want to simpler life.
They're trying to sign up
and we're back on the MVP.
Dinesh D'Souza, he's doing a fucking
goddamn documentary about that shit, that racist Indian guy, right?
Is he about how the blacks wanted to fight in Western South?
I don't know.
It seems like they're in the Civil War.
I don't know.
Have you ever seen that movie CSA?
Despite Lee, suck anonymous.
where about like if the South had won.
Oh, cool.
That's a cool idea.
Well,
I remember seeing the one I'll see.
Do you remember the movie from Spike Lee?
I remember seeing the fucking trailers for it, and it didn't look cool because it was like, everything's the same except there's slaves.
And it's like, yeah, I don't.
I don't think everything else would be the fucking same.
Well, there wouldn't be any peanut butter.
We know that.
Yeah.
Whoa, fuck that shit.
I would love it if he made that movie and fucked up and he's like, oh, yes, I guess white people invented rap music.
It's just utopia.
Just flying cars.
Right.
I mean, technology would probably be further along.
You have more opportunity to exploit labor.
I mean, think about it.
Incorporate.
I mean, I guess, isn't there arguments that
the Industrial Revolution kind of did away with the need for slavery anyways?
There is that argument.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But, I mean, tech needs it for like the precision manufacturing.
Imagine if you could have slaves making the iPhones.
That would
keep the jobs in America.
We could all save probably $20 a pop on our iPhones.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, yeah,
Trump.
You know how many people would sign up for slavery?
Anyway,
you keep them in cotton, but you get slaves really into screen printing.
And then you get on-demand custom T-shirts whenever you want.
Literally any idea you think of.
You have a big plantation and you get a t-shirt plantation.
So it's vertical.
I own a shirt and it's got Tony Danza and it says, who's the boss on it?
I have a specific idea of how about your shirt.
And I just pulled me closer.
Tony Danza.
Oh, I like that.
Yeah.
But yes, that's great.
Wait, you get rid of, so you get rid of all copyright laws, too, for these t-shirts.
It's not copyright infringement if the slaves do it.
Okay.
Okay.
The slave will be sued and executed.
They're not making any money.
That's how you do it.
They get all the legal.
Well, I think that this is a very decent concept.
We should actually try to pidget it to the new Attorney General, Jefferson Beauregard.
Beauregard Sessions.
Yeah.
PG.
Did he get...
The confirmation is happening today, right?
I saw there was a tweet that people were making fun of today that said
calling him Jefferson Beauregard Sessions is exactly the same as calling him Barack Hussein Obama.
It's a reference to like a Confederate general.
We're not making fun of him for having an ethnic name.
He's so fucking retarded.
I hate, dude.
They're like, listen, he's bad, but using his full name.
Liberals are fucking pussy ass for the workers, dude.
They're the worst.
Let's go after these pieces of shit.
They're never going to win.
No, the argument against calling him Beauregard is that it's like...
Literally will do nothing.
Did you learn nothing from the drump thing?
Right, right, right.
It's because it's weak.
You sound like a fucking retard.
Exactly.
That's the argument.
Beauregard.
Check out this bumper sticker slogan I'm going to run with for the next fucking fucking four years.
Right.
It's not some kind of idea of decorum.
Like Republicans give a fuck.
They're trying to take everyone's health care away right now.
They're trying to just fucking.
They don't give a fuck about you.
Fuck, man.
Beauregard.
But hopefully that motherfucker doesn't get in.
I don't fucking know.
He's actually like Satan incarnate.
You heard the KKK quote, right?
No, I did.
That was my favorite.
Oh, yeah, the one about weed.
About weed?
His big beef in the KKK was that they smoke weed.
Yeah, well, he's like, well, it's not like they're smoking weed.
No,
he thought they were like decent.
He knew some KKK people.
He thought they were decent until he found out they smoked weed.
Like, that was the fucking deal breaker for this hate crime group.
Oh, man.
He's actually, like, that's the definition of the worst person in the world.
Yeah, it's scary, dude, but whatever, dude.
We're going to podcast through this.
We're going to be here for the...
We're part of the resistance, right?
Yeah.
We're going to help Hillary.
Is Hillary going to be mayor or is she going to be like...
Oh, Hillary is mayor would be great.
Hillary is mayor.
They just dug into that on the last chapos, so I feel like
we missed the boat on that one.
Damn, I would start taking shits on the subway.
Yeah.
With Tom II.
I was saying that's who she's going to lose,
that's who she's going to lose the election to, is the guy that takes shits on the subway.
Some homeless guy, Dangerous Eddie.
She literally.
I got two teeth and I got a shit to take.
And if this damn bitch thinks she's going to keep me out of the mansion, she can suck my cock.
Listen, everyone's like, he can't talk about women that way.
He's like, you're goddamn right I can.
You fucking couldn't.
I like Dangerous Eddie because he says what's on his mind.
Absolutely.
You know who I want to see back?
When he used the rent knife to threaten that Starbucks barista.
That knife made out of squirrel bones.
Sharpen squirrel bones.
When he brought that penknife into that Starbucks and threatened people, it made me feel like, you know, this is a New Yorker that I can relate to.
It's true.
Nah, dude, I want the rent this too damn high guy back.
Yeah.
That guy fucking ruled.
What's he up to, dude?
I don't know.
Because, you know what?
Not paying rent, huh?
Apparently, rents are dropping.
They're dropping off in New York.
It's no longer a seller's market.
I was told that.
Yeah, I think that there was a rent freeze like two years ago where they like, I think De Blasio said you're not allowed to raise.
Yeah, that'd be cool.
That was his, that was how he said his name.
If he just changed his shit to De Blasio 420, Blaze It Up.
That's why I voted for it.
He already did.
That's not his name.
His name isn't De Blasio.
What is it?
It's like Walter fucking McLean or something.
Wait, that is his Malcolm X?
Yeah,
no, he adopted like an Irish or an Italian name because it sounds more New Yorker or some bullshit.
Fuck out of here.
Yeah, his real name isn't fucking De Blasio.
What?
Yeah.
Hold on, let me look it up.
His real name is Taleb Quelly.
Yeah.
Yeah, but if he's just like the
Adam, I can't have you going to the phone while Nick's going to the phone as well, dude.
Sorry, sorry.
Come on, man.
What's in there?
What's in there?
Nothing.
You tell me.
No, I want to know.
What was that notification?
It buzzed.
I looked at it.
What was it?
It was Blue Blue.
Bill de Blasio, born Warren Wilheim Jr.
Wilheim?
Yeah.
So he's a German?
Yeah, he's like a German.
Goddamn craft fog?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, my God.
I don't have a cool De Niro-style Italian that fucks black ladies as my mayor.
Yeah, no, it's some bullshit trick to get people to think he's like, you know, like a Cuomo.
Oh, that sucks.
I'm changing my name then
to Vito Gabagool.
I want to change my name to Richard Dick Penis Nixon.
I've got to have quotations around both.
It's a four-word, all-hyphenated name.
Fuck, man.
I got to change my name, dude.
For show business.
Dude, we are real New Yorkers now.
We've been here for over a year,
all of us.
Oh, I guess his mom's name is de Blasio.
Oh,
his father was of German ancestry, and his maternal grandparents were Italian immigrants.
Did he grow up with them?
His grandfather, Giovanni,
was from the city of Santagago.
Giovanni de Blasio isn't.
Santaga de Gotta fucking Italy, man.
Guess how many fucking apostrophes are in the name of this fucking city?
Four, four.
How many vowels?
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.
They love vowels.
Santa Gata De Gatti, Benevento,
Wapolini.
Muzzarella.
Peperone.
Hey, it's me.
Wouldn't it be awesome to
go into a fucking store,
Pizza Place, and be like, yeah, can I have one slice of peperone?
I love it.
It's like when Latino newscasters are always like, uh tonight in Miami.
Yeah, yeah, they do it with a problems facing that Latino.
But they never do it when it's like uh earlier this morning an illegal immigrant from Mexico ran over an entire uh field trip of children while drunk off uh tequila.
They don't do it in those situations.
It's always when they open a foundation for battered women.
Why not do it across the the board when they're embracing the other parts of their culture that don't obey speed limits?
I think that's have insurance.
That'd be a really funny thing.
He was drunk driving.
He was El Camille.
Was a drunk driving.
The other newscasters, like, what the fuck are you doing?
It's like, I'm trashed.
I got drunk with the weather girl trying to fuck her again.
Fuck me.
That dude on CNN, Rick Sanchez, do you remember him from 10 years ago?
He killed somebody.
He killed somebody, and then he just cried about it like a fucking 15-year-old girl.
And they're like, it's okay.
It turns out that he was probation at a dolphins game.
Yeah, and then like he hit fucking slammed his truck into somebody, pinned them, killed them.
Killed him, drove home.
Drove home, yeah.
What?
Yeah.
And then like 10 years later, he's on CNN, and then it comes out later that, oh, yeah, 10 years ago, he killed someone.
Wait, so this was post yeah, yeah, yeah.
He had a whole career.
He worked his way up to major cable news.
Did he get fired or anything or no?
Well, he's not around anymore.
No, man, if you're rich, you can do whatever the fuck you want.
But is he even rich?
I mean, he's on TV, which complements being rich.
It helps.
You really can.
I mean, look at Casey Affleck,
which, by the way, if you didn't hear the story,
he tried to have sex with a woman he was working with on the set of, I don't know, some fucking stupid.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And as you know, hitting on a woman is basically the same as I saw a meme that was like what happened.
That's all that happened?
He invited himself into her hotel room and she was like, leave, and then he did.
But that's rape.
It's rape, too.
I saw a meme that was like,
yeah, accusations of rape really destroy a career.
And it's like, Casey Affleck holding a golden globe, Woody Allen holding an Oscar.
And it's like, all right, but yeah, he just tried to fuck a girl.
I didn't know the Casey Affleck.
It's absolute horseshit.
The Casey or Affleck one is horseshit.
Casey Anthony also
horseshit.
That little girl deserved to die.
I agree.
And you know what?
She was a mom, but she's allowed to have fun, dude.
Hi, I'm Nancy Grace, and if you think your child should be murdered next, please call in, send us the details.
We will find a killer to come and murder your child, and we can cover it for 70 years.
Rape your baby.
Things are not going well here at the Nancy Grace studios, and we've got a new man to make money.
We're actually, we're going to be proactive about it.
We are going to murder your toddler
in an effort to boost ratings.
Well, she loves to say baby.
Baby.
Yeah, she doesn't say child or infant.
She goes baby.
They fucked that baby.
What happened?
She never had kids or anything.
She was a prosecutor or something, right?
No, she was a prostitute.
Oh, no, no, she was a professional.
She was a prostitute.
She was a prostitute for 15 years.
Her husband or fiancé got murdered, and then she turned into like the fucking Hulk.
Yeah, that's what happens with all.
Like, fucking John Walsh.
John Walsh from the middle of the morning.
John Walsh, the best thing to ever happen to him was having a daughter.
No, I'm serious.
Beheaded?
Yo, he made a whole career off of him.
Wait, this is like American style beheading?
American.
This isn't like terrorist shit.
Yeah, yeah.
That's because a non-terrorism beheading.
Did he get his head?
Yeah, they found his head in
some body of water.
Well, maybe it just fell off.
Oh,
it was like a gift.
Maybe the kids got a loose head.
You never know.
Yeah, you don't know.
Sometimes these kids got loose heads
like a Lego man.
The bodies are so small and the heads are so big on some of these kids.
Yeah, but especially my wife, she was drinking the entire pregnancy.
Now he's got a huge head.
He's famous off his son being murdered.
Now, I can't imagine the pain of what that's like to go through, but I think I would like to be famous.
Maybe I should have a kid.
And
What if we kill Adam?
Wait, hold on.
This is the plot.
If you guys kill me, the podcast will probably do great.
This is the plot to the Come Town movie.
LLTS.
We all adopt a son and then pay someone to murder him so he can become the three fathers that are famous for having a murdered son.
And it's like the producers, except we kill a boy.
We're in a polyamorous, gay relationship.
Three men.
It's perfectly normal.
2017.
Do we get away with it?
How does it end?
Of course we get away with it.
Do we become famous.
Yeah, we fuck so many girls after.
So the kid is just like, that's like the first 15 minutes is we adopt a kid and we kill it.
And then the rest is us just fucking and sucking in Hollywood.
Buying PlayStations.
I love it.
Let's fucking get a treatment going.
What happens in Act Three?
They find out we murdered the kid.
So what do we have to do?
And we get a MacArthur Green Genius grant.
So we lose everything.
And then, yeah, we win the Millennium Prize.
We figure out some math problem.
That's how we get a million dollars for doing it.
Yep.
And if we didn't kill that kid, we would never have figured out that tough math thing.
Yeah.
And then
we get a boat on international waters.
And then we can murder all the kids we want.
We're more kids.
Because at that point, we're addicted to it.
And really, it's an allegory for fame and cocaine.
Children represent cocaine in this.
I love it.
I still have that Coke we should do.
I mean, I'm feeling sick now, but
sometime, soon, this weekend.
Oh, I gotta take it easy.
Yeah, it's been making.
I don't like it.
Yeah, I just want to do it.
You guys are Coke fiends, though, dude.
I just do
a device.
That's the fucking problem.
Like, I sat and just did a bag by myself.
When?
A couple weeks ago, and it's like, all right, I cannot do this for another six months.
I've never done that.
Jeez, Lewis.
Well, I mean, that's why I can't do anything.
Yeah, you're at your.
The only reason I was doing a blow at all is because I don't particularly like it.
And then it was like, you know, I can do this thing that I don't really enjoy because it's too fucking expensive.
But it's just been like all over the place lately.
Right.
And I mean, I'll abuse anything.
Of course.
Literally fucking anything.
I'll turn it into a fucking addiction.
What's the dumbest addiction you ever had except PlayStation?
Power tools.
Right, I guess that's yeah.
That was definitely really fucking stupid.
No, it's cool.
You're just buying fucking shit.
You can't make shit out of cocaine.
Shut up.
Don't tell him it's cool.
Power tools is cool.
If you're stupid to just keep buying fucking tools just in general, just to have like.
Well, yeah, if he doesn't have like a shop and he's not working out.
He lives on a fucking
four by six fucking room.
He sleeps on a piece of wood.
But you should come make a fucking little shelf in my kitchen, dude.
Yeah, I'll do that.
I have no problem making a shelf.
Yeah, I'm trying to get a state, a juicing, a blending station in my kitchen.
Someone just DM'd me and asked them to retweet them.
Ugh.
Don't do that.
That's like the one thing.
That's poor ass etiquette.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And
it's not like, oh, I'm worried about my fucking brand or whatever, but
people are going to be like, why are you fucking retweeting this person?
Right.
Well, is it good?
Is it funny?
I don't know.
He didn't even show me a specific tweet.
He just asked me to retweet them.
Is he cute?
Do you want to fuck him?
No.
Would you trade retweets for head?
Yes.
I would, of course.
Of course.
So I'm open for, for, but me and Adam don't have that many followers.
I'm worried about the integrity of my.
Yeah, that is your magnum office, dude.
Yeah.
The Mullen-like thing that...
Oh, fuck.
Yeah, it's good.
Just sneeze directly on the microphones that aren't fixed to any one of us.
We all sneeze.
He's not sick.
He's not sick, though.
I'm not that sick.
I'm a little sick.
You really, I mean, you just couldn't move the mic away to.
I did.
I went like he was on his hand.
You sneezed.
It was mostly on his talking mic.
I did it on my hand.
Yeah.
All right.
But anyway, we will trade retweets for head, me and Adam.
We don't have that many followers.
Well, I'll trade less for head.
I mean, more.
Actually,
I don't know how that works.
What's the most you would trade for head?
The most I'd trade for head?
Yeah.
A jewel, a ruby.
Yeah, yeah.
For one
discoin.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'd do like a, like a, one of those, one of those fancy
nickels
Buffalo nickels.
What's that called when you're into
coins?
Being gay.
Or stamps.
They have like weird names.
Being autistic.
Whatever.
I don't even know why I brought that up.
Stampers?
No, there's like a stupid fancy
name for people that collect coins and stamps.
Collectors?
No.
No.
You guys ever watch American Pickers?
No.
What is that?
It's like Storage Wars?
It's two guys going around doing Storage Wars.
Doing Storage Wars?
They do Storage Wars.
Yeah, they just go to basements and shit and try and get fucking
poor hoarders to give them the most prized possession for less money than they know it's worth.
It's pretty cool.
I'm looking up, I found
How much?
This one's $2,300.
That's not bad.
I can get you better.
You can get me better.
For you, I can get you better.
Dude, let's buy a diamond encrusted menorah.
You know what I want?
I want a menorah that's diamond-encrusted, but
the diamonds are all in the shape of like dollar signs
all over the menorah.
Is there a Jewish rapper with a menorah chain?
Now that's something.
Is there a Jewish rapper?
There was.
Maddas Yahoo.
There's Madis Yahoo.
Madis Yahoo to me is like.
Madis Yahoo and Bill Maher are the two most embarrassing people.
Madis Yahoo stinks.
Yeah.
Yeah.
He stinks.
I remember my parents came to me with a CD one day.
I was in high school.
They're like, all right, Adam, bear with me.
Don't interrupt me.
Bear with me.
It's a reggae guy, okay?
But he's also a rabbi.
And I was like, get the fuck out of my room right now.
And then I go to school and kids are listening to it.
He did have a public school.
He did have a rabbi.
Yeah, just regular kids were listening to it.
He had that one song that was just kind of okay.
But yeah, I was thrown for a fucking loop.
I was like, I had no idea how many people got that one right.
He's also
made no sense.
They just lucked into it.
Jews will claim everything Jewish is cool.
That's like,
that's a fucking, that's their go-to move.
Claiming anything Jewish is cool.
Anytime a Jew is in anything, my friend sent me this picture.
Years ago, my friend sent me this picture.
It was some like
some Israeli tourism board promotional poster.
Oh, my God.
From like 1991.
And so anything from 1991 isn't going to look cool.
but it's these like like
really just sort of crusty looking Jewish girls like at the Dead Sea right the Dead Sea floating in the Dead Sea and they got Tivas on
they got Tivas on and they're floating in the Dead Sea and then on the bottom it just says being Jewish is cool oh yes can we get the article
I wish I can't even find the picture anymore there's like
there's like these new um damn I want that this is this is super fucking embarrassing but they're these new like Hasbara Facebook pages that like try to do fight the Israeli
anti,
you know, the Israeli propaganda war through like memes.
Yeah, hell yeah.
And they're like, dat feeling when the Palestinians want to say that you occupy.
They are.
It's probably one of the things that's one of the most embarrassing things I've ever seen in my life.
Yeah, that shit's cool.
I love people just trying to get on.
There were some super bizarre Russian memes going around last week.
Do you see that shit?
Well, yeah, the Russian embassy, when they kicked out the diplomats, tweeted a picture of...
Was it a duck or something?
It was a duck.
And it was like...
And then Wendy's also tweeted a Pepe Wendy.
Do you remember that?
No.
Yeah, Wendy's tweeted Pepe Wendy.
Just fuck it and then apologize because it's racist.
Yeah, this is like the word like the DNC fired their entire like video production staff like on congressional like video production staff and they're like we we need to refocus on memes.
Oh, God.
People thinking that, like, that's the future.
I mean, can't we just fucking
do it?
It probably is, dude.
Probably all of us.
I know Bordell gets killed by the Russians.
That would be such a funny thing.
He tries to work with them.
Oh, he would switch sides so quick.
Yeah.
If the Russians are going to have a side, he's devoid of any kind of allegiance to anything.
That's what I mean, though.
There's no sides.
He would like to worry about being two-faced or whatever.
He doesn't even have one face.
He's like a ball of putty.
Yeah.
He's constantly tweeting things.
Yeah.
You can't really be mad at Brandon because it's like being mad at a fucking gif.
He has no personality.
He's just repeating loop of something that was stolen from some other thing.
Black people.
You don't even understand the underlying reference anymore.
Yeah, because it's Friday and and you ain't got no job.
Yeah.
Fuck, man.
And Debo coming.
Whatever.
We love Brandon.
He's our friend.
Stop harassing him, guys.
No, please continue harassing him.
See, that's the thing.
I don't give a shit about harassing Brandon because Brandon doesn't care.
He's also a public figure, too.
Yeah, he's a public figure now, and he's got plenty of money.
Let's rob Brandon, dude.
I think he does care, though.
He cares.
We should rob him.
Oh, yeah, we should definitely do it.
Oh, we should, dude.
We should make him think it's somebody else, too.
We should set him up and rob him.
Hey, Brandon, you got booked for this DJ set about
nine blocks away from the train station.
It's in an industrial area.
It's like a warehouse kind of party.
It's real underground.
It's like very industrial warehouse.
Don't bring your phone, though, because it'll fuck up the DJ equipment.
That is how he DJs.
He plugs his phone into an ox.
Ah, fuck.
So what else is going on with you boys, huh?
Nothing.
I've been getting a little bit of that seasonal affective disorder.
Yeah, you're getting sad?
Woo!
Getting sad, boy.
I feel you.
Sat on my couch this weekend, watched a good 14 hours of some quality NFL football entertainment.
I watched a lot of RuPaul's drag race, which is an incredible show.
That's probably better than what I was doing.
It was four terrible games this weekend.
Yeah, the wild card round was terrible.
Although, do you guys watch the National College Footballer game?
Yeah.
And I don't give a fuck about college football.
You know what I found out last night?
The coach of Clemson is this guy, Dabbo Sweeney.
Dabbo Sweeney, dude.
Dabo Sweeney.
Okay.
So I looked up on his Wikipedia page how the fuck his name got to be Dabbo.
When he was born, he was a baby.
His older brother was 18 months.
And he was trying to say Dat Boy.
Really?
Which is already not how the way you say those words.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So his name is.
So
he was attempting to say something incorrect.
Yeah.
And then made it another level further.
So his name is literally Dat Boy Sweeney.
Dat Boy Sweeney.
Swinny.
Dat Boy Swinny.
It's not even Sweeney.
It's Swinney.
That's awesome.
Yeah, that's Sweeney.
Yeah.
That's a great name.
Also, oh shit, what up, dude?
Yeah, he's just a guy from the south, right?
Where's Dabo from?
Some shithole.
Yeah.
North Florida or something.
Oh, yeah, dude.
Just a piece of shit.
I want to be named Dabo.
Dabo?
Yeah, that's a sick name.
Dabbo sounds like a rapper's name.
It sounds a lot like Quavo.
Dabbo and Quavo could be friends.
Raindrop
drop top.
Yeah.
So you're getting sad money.
Did you guys watch that Golden Globes?
I didn't know.
I did not.
Until Come Town gets nominated, I'm not going to watch.
Okay?
I've never watched any award show.
I don't understand the point of watching awards shows.
I've never watched Oscars with my parents.
I've watched only when it's.
I've never sat down and put it on.
I don't go to like a you know a party.
I got brought the one Golden Globes party ever.
What is the Golden Globes?
It's TV or is it everything?
It's the Hollywood Foreign Press.
I don't understand.
I don't understand too.
Not music.
Why I would sit there and watch actors do the one thing that makes me fucking completely hate actors.
Like the part of their personality that I'm trying to ignore when I'm watching it.
Not the acting part.
Not the acting part.
The thing that they're the absolute worst at, which is fucking humility.
Humility, yeah.
Why would you do that?
Yeah, no, it's crazy.
Yo, yeah.
We'll just see some titties in ball gowns.
Yes, Queen Meryl Streep came hoard at our president,
the P-E-O-T-U-S, the president-elect.
Peotis.
The Peotis.
The Peyotis.
Yeah, it's like the Latin spelling of Peotis.
Yeah, I don't give a shit.
I don't even know why we're talking about it.
Do you guys care?
I don't care.
Meryl?
My grandma looks a little bit like Meryl Streep.
Oh, yeah.
Yo, did I tell you guys?
You know my grandma that fucks?
No, my grandma that fucks and that just got a divorce.
Yeah.
All right.
This is what.
Hold on.
Just stop jumping around.
What did Meryl Streep say?
She said that
Trump, Trump
abused that handicapped guy.
And then she made some...
I didn't really even see it.
She made some fucking comment about if if we don't watch movies anymore Then all that's left is gonna be MMA and football, which is like oh which sounds all right.
Yeah, I like those things are tight I like movies How funny it would be if someone rushed the stage and beat the shit out of Middle Street Armbar
Snapped her arm
Fucking choked her out
fish hooked her ripped her eyelids off
Yeah, I don't know man.
It was like one of those everyone's going if we don't watch movies Shut the fuck up like that's what I mean it's i don't give a shit about the donald trump thing but even that so so for some reason movies are so much fucking better as if as if the entertainment industry isn't equally responsible for raping people and exploiting them and protecting uh predators 100 roman roman innocent pulaski roman innocent
free free my you know what roman free my jio free my holocaust survivor um
but you know absolutely what's going to happen well you know what they love to play Hillary Clinton in a fucking horrible movie.
Oh, is that why she's already
acting by being unlikable and saying the wrong thing in public?
Well, no, I mean
she's preparing for the role by being a detestable fucking piece of shit.
No, she's an incredible actor.
Like, right?
She is.
She's like one of the best actors in the world.
But I wouldn't go that far.
You don't think so?
No.
She's incredible.
Did you see Doubt?
She's not bad, but I.
Did you see Doubt?
She's dope, dude.
She always kills it.
I mean, I'm not going to say.
I'm not saying she's a bad actress, but of the most incredible actors.
I think she's one of the best actors in Hollywood.
Yeah, first of all, I don't like that you're calling her an actor and not an actress.
Oh, I don't judge her.
I don't like the underlying politics here.
All right, fine.
She's one of the best stewardesses in Hollywood.
A nurse.
The term is nurse.
Female anything is called a nurse.
Yeah, but like.
You know, obviously that's lame of shit.
The movie that won, apparently, is this movie La La Land.
Yeah, it's a musical.
It seems horrible.
Which is one of the things it's good.
They make these movies.
Did Moonlight win anything?
Yeah, I guess I kind of want to see that, but I'm worried it's going to be like I'm going to go.
It's going to turn you gay?
No, it's not going to turn you gay, but that I won't get anything out of it.
It's really I was saying, I kind of want to shoot a movie that's just two hours of like a like an interracial trans couple literally just fucking, but you, you know, shoot it with like
DSLRs or whatever.
Yeah, yeah, make it look like a little little
on like color correction and shit.
And maybe there's like some subplot about them getting fired from a coffee shop.
But they live in Bushwick, they're trans, they fuck each other, and then just make, make sure it's just pornography and see if you can win any wars.
I would like to do a movie where there's just Moonlight is literally like that.
Moonlight's incredible.
Actually, I went into it not knowing what it was at all, and it made it way better.
I didn't know.
There was some movie I tried to watch.
It was like
White Girls or something.
It It wasn't White Girls.
I forget what the fuck it was.
But it's like, yeah, just White Chicks with the Wayans Brothers.
No.
That's an excellent film.
And I do think that
this movie that came out
this year, where it's like.
It's White Girls in the Titan.
Something like that.
Yeah, they just do drugs.
It's 10 C 17.
Yeah, they just do drugs, and there's like a Latino boyfriend.
And it's like, I'm not annoyed with the representation, but it's like, this is such a boring fucking movie.
It's young people sitting around doing fucking drugs.
That doesn't impress me.
I'm not like, oh, wow.
They had sex?
Yeah.
I don't understand.
I don't know.
That sounds pretty cool to me.
Yeah.
Yeah, I watched sex.
I watch the MTV network.
There's got to be a spy.
There's got to be a bridge, you know,
that the spies meet on.
That's the recipe for a good movie.
Yeah, you need a good movie.
Maybe a bridge in there, a spy, maybe some disguises.
Maybe a guy that's a master of disguises.
You know, maybe
I saw it in theaters.
Incredible.
That is one of the worst movies I've ever seen in my entire life.
It is so fucking bad.
You know,
movies.
I thought he was purged, like, poised for a comeback.
You know what would be a good sequel
is Master of Races,
starring Dana Carvey.
And he's an Aryan.
But he can play any race.
He can play any race.
He did just release a special.
Yeah, he goes straight white male, age 60.
There's no way it's good.
Yeah, I saw the title of that.
I just saw him this weekend.
This is going to be the most tone-deaf.
Absolutely.
There's no way.
I mean, like, I'm, like, not even 30, and it's like, I already feel out of touch.
Right, right, right.
You know,
I don't think that I could say anything that's like really culturally relevant or get my finger on the pulse of what people are thinking.
No way, dude.
But you know, that's probably exactly what happened.
He just came up with a new hour, and it probably was not that good or not that in touch.
And he was like, well, I'm going to lean into it and just call it straight.
So it looks like I'm aware that this is bad.
Dude, did you hear that story about fucking,
what's his name?
There's the ticket.
What's his name?
The actor.
John Lovitz.
John Lovetts.
My parents just saw Dana Carvey and John Lovitz this weekend.
John Lovitz at fucking Draft House or something when I think it was Milner's.
That's a closer.
Well, that Milner was, when Milner was saying, he was like, yeah,
he had to have a car pulled around to the back of the venue to take him out because he was worried people were going to beat him up.
He was like saying that.
Because he's a Republican?
No, because he was on stage and he's like,
what the fuck are Trannies?
Back when when I was young, it was just called being a faggot.
Did I tell you?
Dude, John Lovitz was saying this shit when they were like booing him and threatening him.
His closer for a long time.
He's a bit about the N-word, which is just a Louis Bit, by the way.
But he's like, when you say the N-word, everyone's thinking the words, aren't you just saying the word?
Yeah, I know the Louis Bit.
What is the Louis Bit?
He's got his closer for a long time was just a song, and it was like, and it was just like,
my friend Bob Saggett
is a faggot.
It was like,
That was the big musical number.
He told, yeah, my folks saw him and Dana Carvey this weekend, and my dad called me to tell me the bit.
And I was like, I don't really think that's that funny.
Well, Norm, I love anytime Norm talks about him on a podcast about doing comedy, just shits on him because it's like Lovitz was never a stand-up.
He's just like a guy who's like famous now and he's away to meet again.
So, like, like,
I want that, dude.
I want to, I want to just, I want fame and then just to go around just being terrible at comedy.
I know.
The same thing I do now.
David Allen Greer.
But with a lot more money.
I bet you David Allen Greer is at least interesting to watch.
I saw him at Draft House.
Steve-O, Steve-O, and what's his name?
Mankind.
Tom Green is a stand-up.
Mick Foley.
Yeah.
Is Tom Green a good stand-up?
No?
I don't know, but I don't know.
It's weird.
He's good.
I mean, he's a funny guy.
It's weird that, like, people, comedy is so hot right now.
Mike Diesel, one time, like Mike Diesel,
I explained him on the podcast before, this guy that booked the fucking open mic.
Yeah, he booked
Wise Acres in Northern Virginia, but he was like a pathological liar or whatever.
And so he would, anytime any comic was brought up, he'd be like, yeah, we're going to actually have him through the club.
We see the headshots on the wall.
We know who fucking comes through here.
It's the drum comic.
The coach.
And then like
45 fat guys that all had their fucking aorta explode at age 37.
And they, you know.
From coke and sandwiches.
Yeah, pretty much.
Yeah.
From free comedy club bar food, from
fried pickles and king kong nachos
and all that shit.
Fuck wiggle.
AK sedillas with fried chicken in the chili burger.
Yeah.
But
yeah, so at one time comics were just talking about Emerald Agassi.
And this is like 10 years ago.
So it was when Emerald's show was real big or whatever.
He was huge.
Yeah.
Bam was a big joke everywhere.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So like two comics are talking about Emerald.
I think it was Andy Klein and somebody else.
And fucking Diesel comes up and he's like,
Yeah, we're actually going to have him through the club.
Because he thought they were just talking about a comic.
So he decided to just lie about it.
And they were like, to do what?
And he's like, you know,
we're just going to have him here.
To do what, Mike?
Just cook on the stage?
Dude, the worst part is I could see Emerald could get booked to headline a club so much better than a good comedy.
Yeah.
No credits.
Like, if Emerald was like, I want to do comedy, every club would headline it.
That's the thing that sucks about stand-up is that, like, audiences are fucking retarded.
No, like, the people that,
and I don't mean maybe in their personal lives, they aren't, but something happens to people when they enter a comedy club that they just become abject fucking retarded.
It's shocking.
They get drunk.
They want something to just go fucking do.
But it's also shocking how many people don't even like comedy in their personal lives.
They go to comedy clubs.
All they want is to be shit on.
All they want is hack shit on.
How fucking funny is it that the thing that we've chosen to pursue is on par with like, let's just go bowling tonight.
Right, right, right, right, right.
That it would be like if you were really trying to be the best guy at setting up the pins and the fucking bowling alley.
It's not even being, it's not even bowling.
It's working at a bowling alley.
It's working at a bowling alley, is what being a comedian is.
Well, the other thing is...
But
I saw a guy crush in Detroit, and I forget who he was.
I was trashed.
I was really fucking drunk, and I was there for a festival, and there was a guy that just went on stage, and as far as my memory goes, he was the red shirt guy.
He dressed in all red, and he handed out red shirts, and he just played music.
And it was like, this isn't even con.
He's not even attempting comedy.
And people love it because it was just a guy handing out shirts.
Jesus.
It didn't say anything on it.
Free shirts are coming.
I don't think.
Yeah, I fuck with free shirts.
Yeah, dude, it's fun.
It sucks.
Comedy sucks, dude.
Well, how many people do you bump into that go to even good clubs and are like, this is my first comedy show?
And it's like, what?
How is this your first comedy?
But I guess you're not going to be able to do it.
There's no real comedy fans anymore because the people that were comedy fans are now just doing comedy.
They do mics.
They also edit, you know, I mean.
That's not true, dude.
Podcasts.
People at work love listening to fucking comedy.
Yeah, people love podcasts.
That's not stand-up comedy.
I'm talking about
people, to some people, that's what comedy is.
Yeah, but it's fucking not, dude.
I mean, this is not comedy.
This isn't edited or honed.
No show is.
I mean, maybe there are podcasts out there where they write all this stuff in advance.
But even then, that's not stand-up comedy.
No, it's not even close.
Yeah, well, another thing is, like, going back to the Love It's thing, is like there are a ton of comedic actors who do comedy shit and then try to go into stand-up that, because stand-up is hot right now,
so what they do is they work like the meltdown room in LA.
They work like kind of altie rooms where everyone knows them from you know children's hospital or whatever and then they they crush and then they get their 30 minutes which sucks because they've been like because people give them laughs just because they're from the TV right right and then they sell it to Netflix and make a ton of money.
You know that that that's become like a fucking business model for a ton of like comedic actors who fucking suck who think that sand up isn't a skill.
We're going to make this podcast number one and then we're going to produce the world's shittiest web series and we're going to get jaded and then we're going to sell this sell it and then we're going to be you know terrible like everybody else i can't wait dude i would love to be do you remember when what's his name cordry was hosting cordry was hosting at benson ball jamel was on that show i wasn't at that show dude it was like insane it was he was doing brody brody stevens did my show and he's good yeah he's he's hilarious yeah i'm not going to get into the uh habit of shitting on people specifically though especially guys that i do super funny yeah yeah yeah.
He's super funny.
Adam Friedland said it right here, right now.
Crazy.
Rob Cordry is a terrible memory.
No,
we all love Rob Carrie.
We were both looking at you like, why would you fucking say that?
Adam, please.
I was holding up a side and said, Adam, please stop.
I told a story about how Emerald Agassiz shouldn't do comedy, which is fair.
I didn't say he was a bad cook.
I didn't come on the podcast and publicly announce that Rob Cordry is a fucking bad cook.
Well, let me go through my list right now.
Bad comics.
Go ahead.
Okay.
Louis C.K.
Louis C.K., Jerry Seinfeld.
You got Norm McDonald.
Norm McDonald.
Don't know his book.
I haven't read his book yet.
I have it.
I have it.
You can have it.
I want to read a book.
I think it would be cool to read a book.
I still haven't finished books.
I've never seen a book.
I've never, you know, looked at a book.
To all the listeners, Norm's book is incredible, and you should read it.
It's like a work of fucking book.
It's like a great novel.
I always like to do like a sketch.
I used to have his bookshelf with like four books on it.
And I always wanted to do a sketch where it's like a girl bringing a guy back to her apartment.
And there's like a bookshelf with like maybe seven books on it.
And he just looks at it and he's like, have you read all these books?
It's just the dictionary.
Yeah.
Wow, that's amazing.
Owen Wilson.
Wow.
Wow.
Wow.
You read all these books.
Wow.
Wow.
Maybe I'll try and kill myself.
Who made him try to kill himself?
I think he did.
He just did.
No, it was Andy Dick got him on.
No, no, it wasn't Andy Dick.
No, Andy Dick was
jail.
Andy Dick got Phil Hartman's wife on Coke.
Really?
Yeah.
Apparently.
Yeah, that's why
she killed him.
That's why she killed him.
So we should kill Andy Dick.
It's Andy Dick's fault.
We should do a fatwa against Cook.
No, we should get Andy Dick's husband on cocaine.
Have him fuck brain.
Oh, no, no.
Steve Coogan.
Didn't people say Steve Coogan got Owen Wilson on Smack?
And that's why he was about to to kill himself.
Yeah, he was like addicted to heroin.
Coogs.
Yeah.
I love Steve Coogan.
Coogan's great.
Oh, man.
I saw an advertisement because Ricky Gervais stole his life.
Yeah, you're right.
Ricky Gervais literally stole his life.
He's so much better than Ricky.
Stole his world.
I saw an advertisement for the AARP on like network television where it's like, you know, it's like a woman and she's like scrolling through the AARP website and her friend, who's a man, is like, what are you doing on AARP?
She's like, well, you qualify for yourself too, Mr.
50.
You know, and he's like, I I don't know about that.
You know, he's apprehensive about admitting that he's old enough to join the ARP, but none of those people will ever be able to retire.
Right, right.
So, and then she's like, yeah, well, check out all you're missing out on.
And then she's just like looking at pictures of Ted Nugent.
It's like one of the benefits of being in the ARP is that you get to see pictures of
Flickr account.
Ted Nugent with cat scratch fever.
Yeah.
Which is sex with an underage underage Polynesian woman.
All right.
Well, we're out of time.
Great.
So I just want to say I love you, Rob.
Yeah, no,
you're going to fuck that.
Fucking be eating crow once Rob Cordry here.
Did you know that he asked us
he asked us to reboot Children's Hospital?
You're out.
I'm a fan, dude.
You're out.
Wait, he just wanted to come boys?
Yeah, but he said, as long as no one trashed me on the podcast, that was his one.
We're fucked.
That was his one condition.
I'm fucked.
I'm out with the ants, which, by the way, is not a big deal.
I think Ant's going to do the show.
Did you talk to him?
Yeah, I talked to Ant about it.
He's fine.
I saw the clip from his podcast.
He wasn't really that mad.
Yeah, well, because it's like, again,
he was wrong about the fucking thing.
I feel like I'm entitled to just say, yeah, he's fucking wrong about it.
Also, you notice no one put in the fucking part where we sucked him off and said he was the funniest dude on the world.
Yeah, they edited out the fact that we were all huge.
Oh, fans.
It's these like shithead fucking, you know,
yeah, literally tattletales.
They're like, oh, that's a bitch move.
Time to bust out Adobe Audition.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And make my shit.
Show tattletale.
Maybe it'll retweet me.
Exactly.
Fucking losers.
Right.
Yeah, just fucking guys that tattletale to Mike Francesca all day long.
The dog is a faggot, Mike.
Yeah.
So if you were, if you were
strong opinions on the Jets.
Yeah.
No, there's no bad blood between Cumtown and Ant.
And if there was, we would just fucking talk about it.
It's like not.
I don't understand why people think that that would be like an issue to fucking.
Well, we said there was.
This is the podcast.
You just heard Adam say out loud he hates Rob Cordry.
Yeah.
The most powerful man in show business.
Probably, like, if you look at Adam's career track, he's going to be a Rob Cordry type.
So he's going after, you know, the one guy that can help him.
So
we're not afraid to confront anybody
on the show.
And this is the show where, again, where Adam says, fuck Rob Corden,
fuck Louis C.K.
Adam hates all these people, and he doesn't give a shit.
Before the show, he was talking about how Tig Natar was a fraud.
I don't think she had cancer.
Yeah, it's true.
And I think she's heterosexual, too.
I think she's trying to get that LGBT money
and that cancer money.
I want to get a tattoo that says LGBT, but that every letter has the two-striped dollar sign
symbol.
with LGBT, let's get big titties.
Yeah, you just don't know that it's technically.
Oh my god, that'd be such a good, like Ocean City, Maryland boardwalk t-shirt.
Let's get
giant big titties, and then you're like, woo, LGBT baby.
You have no idea.
It's like I love it.
I love it.
I just think it'd be funny if the T and L G T stood for trains, not trans.
And on that note, everyone.
Wow.
But seriously, fuck Rob Court.
So come to our live show, JP.
Yeah, in a couple weeks.
It's actually coming up.
I always forget that it's coming up.
The 23rd, I think.
I'll look it up right now.
Yes, we got a live show.
The fourth Monday of this month.
Come on, everybody.
Also, we're at Carolines next month.
And hopefully, we'll talk after this, but
hopefully, come out and see some people in your cities.
So we're doing
North Texas.
What?
When's the fucking live show, dude?
I'm looking.
Where's my calendar app?
It's February 21st.
23rd.
No, no, no, that's the Carolines one.
We also do January 23rd at Come On Everybody,
which is in about two weeks.
Yeah, week and a half, two weeks.
Cool.
Yeah.
And then otherwise,
we'll be around.
Also, add me on PlayStation.
I don't have any friends on PlayStation.
Yeah, I got to buy PlayStation.
And
yeah, do Patreon too if you don't already.
I was asking the other day, is
Xbox Live more racist than PSN?
Yeah.
Because it's free.
It's free.
Yeah.
Because it's free.
No, it's not.
Neither of them are free.
Oh, I thought Xbox was free.
No, no.
In fact,
the fact that it costs money makes it more racist because it means that minorities don't have access to it.
Oh, yeah.
It's like a poll tax.
Yeah.
Dude,
honestly, you go and play, like, you play.
It was so funny.
I remember, like, like, 10 years ago, whenever, like, you said, like, online games with like headsets and shit, you would play a game for a while, and then the price would drop.
And as soon as the price dropped, you would, like, you know, you'd be playing when it came out, and it'd be like, yeah, like, we got to go over here, like, capture this objective, this guy's a faggot, or, you know,
like, fuck this guy, you know, this guy's fucking camping, or whatever.
And then the price would drop, and it's like, yo,
I'm easy
Immediately.
And then also guys from like Texas Wiggers would show up, which is always a weird, like, yeah, me and my partners.
Paul Walton.
Paul Walls.
It's all Paul Walls.
Me and my partner.
It's a funny funny.
I love that they say partner.
Because it's also the gay term for boyfriend.
Yeah, me and my life partner.
Yeah, we partners for that.
Me and my life partners.
We dedicating ourselves.
Penetrating each other.
Me and my partner.
Yeah.
I'm all right.
Well, yeah, so yeah, I guess those are the shows coming up.
We'll figure it out.
I do want to have Ann on because Ann is
great to fucking chat with.
So funny.
And then that's
the one hesitation is like, I think that's the last big guest that we could do.
I've kind of exhausted my
Vampire Weekend.
Oh, right.
Well, he hasn't agreed to do the show.
Well, he agreed to do the show.
Fans, Vampire Weekend, Ezra Klein from Fox.com.
Ezra Koenig said that he wanted to do Cometown, so you, whatever.
Oh, and he probably will never do it.
And Ashton Kutcher also.
And Danny Mash.
What a fucking asshole name, by the way.
And you hear it all the time, so you stop thinking about it.
But Jesus, that and Macaulay Culkin.
What a fucking shitty name.
Ashton's worse than Macaulay.
Macaulay Culkin is like the best child actor.
It's like Kutcher is doucier than Culkin.
I think Kutcher's a little worse.
I'll get you Macaulay, but I think Kutcher is worse than Culkin.
How about this?
Macaulay Kutcher.
Ooh,
that sounds like an ad agency.
It does.
Yeah.
All right.
Well, that's the episode.
You know, hey, if you don't like the show,
yeah, that's fair.
Suck our fat cocks, bitch.
I understand.
No, I say suck.
I'm on board.
I'm one of the guys that hate the show.
Yeah, I hate it too, but fuck you.
You don't show me disrespect.
I'm one of the guys that thinks the show's not racist enough now.
Yeah, I just want to say to all those guys that Black Lives Matter.
And if you do, Black Lives Matter.
If you're
racist, Adam pointed out there was one guy that was like, it was
so funny.
He was like, oh, these stores are covered, dude.
There was some girl that was raped and fed to alligators.
Yeah, in Florida, dude.
What the fuck are you talking about?
Yeah, these dudes that are like so fucking paranoid about a genocide against white people, one of them was like replying to Nick's tweets and he's like, dude, they raped a girl and they fed her to gators.
That's like one of his
evidence.
Black Lives Matters is feeding girls to gators.
Definitely.
It's not bitch movies to live in fear about the knockout game.
Yeah, that's the way to prove that you're not a fucking coward.
That's the thing is.
Spend all your time worried about the fucking knockout game and being fed to alligators.
They're fucking snowflakes.
They're
premises Adam will fight.
I mean, snowflakes are white, dude.
It's better for whatever.
Snowflakes are white.
They're cold.
They're icy.
They're beautiful.
I don't understand what the problem is.
They're pure alligators.
They're pure.
What the fuck are we talking about?
We've been ending this fucking episode for 20 minutes.
It's literally been two minutes.
Really?
Yeah.
Delirious, dude.
I'm going to go to the next one.
Well, thank you, as always, for all the sweeties that listen to the show.
Yeah.
Yeah, holler at us.
You guys are sweeties.
Seriously.
I'm single and I'm ready to mingle.
Yeah.
Thanks for listening to the show.
You know, steal it.
Do whatever.
Tell people to steal to it.
Even if you do hate it,
even if you do hate it and you want, you know, and you'd say, hey, look at these fucking assholes who we don't like.
You know, to be honest with you, like, you know,
I say all that shit, but, like, that's what fans are.
They're people that fucking, like, you know, they listen to every show and they're like, oh, you're a fucking faggot or whatever.
Yeah.
So I don't really mind it.
I mean, it's fucking.
Yeah, I like it.
It's kind of of cool.
Yeah.
Right, exactly.
That's all fans sitting in the stands saying.
So I'm a faggot.
I appreciate it.
I threw you three interceptions this time.
You are
the Eli Man
of the Pod MS game.
That's what we can all build on.
People that hate this show.
Build a community.
Let's build a community.
Let's build it around Adam being gay.
Yeah, that's the thing, man.
We need unity in this country.
And I think the ticket is specific anti-Semitism.
Directed at actual individuals.
Not this sort of generic nebulous anti-Semitism.
It's divisive.
You pick a Jew and you go after one specific Jew
together.
I'm the problem.
You know how, you know, if Hitler picked one Jew that he really didn't like,
would people have thought he was such a bad guy?
Yeah, they would have given him that one guy.
It was the one guy.
He could have taken over the world and it wouldn't have been a problem.
That's true.
Yeah.
He should have only killed one Jew.
Well,
sure.
I don't think there's a way to fix any of what I just said.
no, no, fuck.
Yeah, all right, you guys are fun.
Thanks.
Ready to take advantage of an incredible deal at Mazda?
September is the final month of eligibility for federal $7,500 electric vehicle lease cash on the new Mazda CX70 and CX90 plug-in hybrid.
All Mazda current inventory is unaffected by new tariffs.
See your local Mazda dealer for details.
$7,500 electric vehicle lease cash offer expires at the end of September.
Don't miss out.
$7,500 lease customer cash good toward 2025 CX70 PHEV and CX90 PHEV when leasing through Mazda Financial Services.
Lease customer cash can be combined with other public offers, including lease incentive offers.
Lease customer cash cannot be combined with APR or other customer cash offers.
Lease customer cash is not redeemable as cash or cash back option.
Lease customer cash is only available on approved credit.
Not all customers will qualify for credit approval or offer.
Limit 1 discount per customer per vehicle.
Lease customer cash offer only available in United States regardless of buyer's residency.
Void reprohibited.
Apply within the lease structure as a capital cost reduction.
Lease customer cash is only available on participating Mazda dealer's current inventory which is subject to availability.
Offer ends 930-2025 and you must take delivery prior to expiration of offer.
See Participating Mazda Dealer for complete details.
It's time to head back to school and forward to your future with Carrington College.
For over 55 years, we've helped train the next generation of healthcare professionals.
Apply now to get hands-on training from teachers with real-world experience.
In as few as nine months, you could start making a difference in healthcare.
Classes start soon in Pleasant Hills, San Leandro, and San Jose.
Visit Carrington.edu to see what's next for you.
Visit carrington.edu slash SCI for information on program outcomes.
