Ep. 34 – We Gotta Get Rid Of The TV

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Hey, everyone.

So, I was going to start the show, but we put on She's All That.

So, we're feeling kind of riffed out already.

To be honest with you, I don't know how much of an episode this is going to be, but it's starting, and we're, you know, we're already 13 seconds down.

Ooh, hell yeah, dude.

We can do this.

Yeah.

Just how many more seconds left?

Let's get a seconds clock going.

This movie is 14 minutes long.

Yeah.

Eventually, the show is just going to be us watching movies and you know, mostly silence.

That would be so fucking tight, dude.

It's movies I actually want to watch.

And then you go to say something, I'm just like, just shut the fuck up, dude.

I want to see this.

Yeah, I would love to just not even mystery science see at the theater.

It's just me, like, going to the bathroom and asking for clarification on the plot.

What happened, dude?

Wait, what happened?

Yeah, confused science theater.

Just real science theater.

I voted for Congo, though.

Yeah.

Oh, Will Menneker is joining us.

We got Thick Cock Billy.

Yeah.

In the midst.

Why Dick Menneker?

It's true.

Hell yeah.

Thanks for having me, guys.

Yeah, they just said they had a killer sesh here in the Park Club Mansion.

And now we're doing our show.

Hell yeah, dude.

But with a little twist element, we're watching She's All That.

We tried doing this with the new Netflix show, Chasing Cameron.

Oh, dude, that chasing so good.

But that's just a good show.

So we got Cameron Dallas, the Vine Star.

He has has his own Netflix series now where he and it was a disaster.

It was awesome, dude.

We couldn't watch it.

All these 11-year-old girls are so wet that it just makes they're crying and they're wet and they don't understand what's happening to their bodies.

And Cameron's like these sexy 60s.

The only joke we got out of it was calling it Bug Chasing Cameron.

No, Cameron Dallas Buyers Club.

Cameron Dallas Buyers Club.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That was the other.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sponsored by the pedestrian group.

Felix and Brendan and Amber are also here, but we only have four more microphones.

They're just chilling.

They're just chilling.

Cedar rappers.

Best vine of all time, dude.

Gabrielle Union's in this movie.

I totally forgot.

Looking real good.

Future wife of D-Wayne Wade.

Gabrielle Union's still looking good as hell, dude.

She looks like hello.

What the fuck is she wearing on her head?

It's a fucking horse.

She's part of a uniform.

She's wearing something dumb on her.

For a second, I thought that was just some bizarre blossom hat.

And that very well could have been.

Well, they've they've already established how arty she is, so this would be just another woman.

It's so annoying how hot she just is at the beginning of the movie.

You say that about every woman, though.

That's not true.

Name a woman.

I don't know, that guy in the background.

Yeah, he's hot.

He's cute.

He's not the hottest.

This guy right here.

That guy, honestly, okay.

All right, I was doing it as a bit earlier, but I will look at that guy and I will tell you what I could do with him.

You would fuck any mom or

any woman in a movie that's been in a Hollywood movie?

Almost certainly, yes, I think I would.

What about the mom in Gilbert?

I'm like that.

Well, I like to tell people, like,

no.

I like to tell people.

I would like to tell people, like,

I would totally fuck that girl from the commercial, and they're like, which commercial?

And it's like, just pick any commercial.

Because it always holds up.

Right, right.

No, you're absolutely right.

Remember, you know who used to be really hot?

The girl from the Wendy's commercials from like 10 years ago.

Did you do Wendy?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, not actual Wendy.

It was the woman in the office, you know, because they had to get rid of the real Wendy.

Well, they got some UCB redhead.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm all in, dude.

That's my fucking

angle.

Flo from Progressive is UCB.

Of course, dude.

You know, the ones that she did with her whole family or her being like, let me let loose, let me show what I can do.

Yeah.

And she's like doing a terrible thing.

I got to do my character.

Yeah.

She makes so much money.

She's rich as hell.

Yeah, she's insanely rich off that.

I want to be an insurance.

That's how you, you got to, we got to court an insurance company, guys.

What's his name?

No, you know what we should do?

We should become the pet boys.

We should make them like

what's it called when they turn them into people.

When you make cartoons, people.

Anthropomorphize.

Anthropomorphize.

Well, they're already.

That's like when you make an animal look like a rabbit.

Right, right.

What's it when you make a cartoon?

When you Roger Rabbit is an angry

cartoons.

It's called a ghost shell.

What was that fucking movie?

It's called Who Framed Roger Rabbit

is the movie you're thinking of.

Which, by the way, is one of the top five noir films of all time.

I actually unironically agree.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, I say that.

Boy, do you know fucking Jessica Rabbit?

Come on.

Beat off to a cartoon, no problem there.

But also,

but also have looked up cosplay porn of Jessica Rabbit.

Yeah, there is a porn star that's named Jessica Rabbit.

Yeah, yeah, she dressed up.

Now that we're the Pet Boys.

Yeah.

We're also cartoon copies.

Oh, dude, we can fuck any cartoon character.

Yeah,

I'm going to send a little email over to the Pet Boys marketing club from the Come Town email account.

We've got to figure out schemes to make money, boys.

I think also...

We pet boys.

Have you ever imagined any of your beloved advertising mascots fucking

characters?

Check it out.

We're fucking Snap, Crackle, and Pop.

You need a muffler, bitch?

We got fucking mufflers.

Yeah, let's go shake down other fucking cartoon characters.

What the fuck is the Pet Boy?

I guess those are probably three guys that existed.

Isn't the Marx Brothers?

The Brothers, yeah.

No,

they're like cheap rip-offs of the Marx Brothers.

I think they were the three guys that opened the first shop.

Well, one guy looks exactly like fucking.

It was originally called the Pep Shop Boys.

The Pep Shop Boys?

Yeah.

No.

Pep.

Pep.

Pep sounds.

What the fuck is this?

Yeah,

it's sort of a barbershop quartet, except there's three of them, aesthetic, right?

A barbershop three tats.

Yeah, exactly.

Yo, this fucking shit is crazy, bro.

All right, yeah, we still try not to pay attention to this.

There's a midget on here for some reason.

Is this still high school?

There's a midget.

There's two.

Two midgets?

This is an art project.

This is Freddie Prince Jr.

who's trying to ingratiate himself to his pygmalion by hanging.

There's Stop.

That's Stop.

No, that wasn't me.

That wasn't me.

I don't know.

I'm cuter than that guy.

Stavino, Eric Wareheim combined.

I'm way cuter, bitch.

Yeah, look at that.

It looks literally like Savior Eric Wareheim combined.

No, it does not.

That guy looks nothing like

that.

That guy looks nothing like it.

It's just like the touch of pendulum.

The facial hydrogen.

I don't really like their magic, but I love their politics.

Not a fan of the magic.

Well, you know, they're not good magicians.

Oh, you got a palace?

They're not bad.

Yeah, I don't think they're that good.

No, it's good.

Compared to David Blaine.

David Blaine is the greatest magician of the world.

David Blaine, like, he fucking just threw up a frog.

That's not magic, dude.

He swallowed a frog.

You picked his shittiest trailer, bitch, definitely.

Out of all of the things he's done.

It's not shitty, dude.

It's tight.

It's not magic, though.

It's biblical.

He also feels like he made a fucking frog appear.

He just

remembered Houdini swallowed all the lockpicks and regurgitated them, and that's how he got out of most of the music.

Well, that's why that dumb bitch is dead, dude.

That's why Houdini died, because he sucked.

No, he died because he got cucked by a fist.

But David Blaine has trained himself to swallow a frog and then regurgitate it alive.

It may not be actual magic, but nothing.

That's my only beef with it.

He also puts a fucking ice pick through his arm.

Wait, is this the trans guy from the wedding singer?

Who, you?

No, this guy on the stage.

No, you are that guy.

Is that the arched brother?

That's you.

No, that's you.

That's you.

That's not me.

Yeah, it is.

I would tell you.

He's got the same gay mouth you do.

Yeah.

First of all, he's got that big, gay, wet mouth that you have.

Adam's mouth has two sets of lips.

So he can kiss himself because he's gay.

Okay, you say that to me, but if you say that to a person who's naturally has larger lips uh i'm gonna stop that shit

shut up you do have gay mouth and you know what do you mean gay mouth there's a certain gay that is

gay mouth there's a certain thing that is gay mouth like rg3 has gay mouth it's wet lips it's big wet lips and it's like

it's mouths that are always wet yes dude they look gay i'm serious my friend george has a gay mouth you know george yeah i know george he's got a big gay smile i've kissed him and it was not gay we walked his mouth stop just thinks any man that's more attractive than him him is gay.

Yeah, no.

Any man I want to kiss has gay mouth.

That's how it works.

Well, we have kissed.

No,

I stand by my gay mouth.

This is a scene where Freddie Prince Jr.

goes on stage at the art show and shows them that he can do hacky sack.

And all the art kids are blown away because there's no way any art kids would play hacky sack.

That's out of the question.

I told you about that

dude I know from Iceland who's

was the he brought the first hacky sack to Iceland.

Whoa, really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because it's such a small place.

What is this statement?

His sister and her boyfriend.

His sister and her boyfriend.

They still have a statue to him.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's like a god there, basically.

But yeah, it's like 200,000 people in Iceland.

So his sister and her boyfriend went on vacation.

Her sister's boyfriend brought him back a hacky sack.

He was the first hackie shack in my whole country.

He's like a really good artist, too.

He like does all these sort of primordial man, but like playing basketball and farting farting and stuff.

He's like, he's like, this is like a man doing a slam dunk and farting at the same time.

Like they're like buyers.

It does sound stupid.

I went to his show.

No, it's really charming, actually.

I went to his show, and then there was this woman that was like, so what's your opinion on the state of patriarchy?

I feel like your art says a lot about it.

And he's like, no, I think that farting is funny.

And I think that he's right.

Yeah, yeah.

He like completely killed her question.

Yeah, fuck people.

Sorry.

But Haggy Sack is really fun.

Did you guys used to hack back in the day?

Fuck no.

I did Devil Sticks.

Oh, no, yeah, dude.

You did Poi.

This is big Poi.

No, I never did any of that shit.

I was like, for Haggy Sack was like for like kids who went to boarding school, but like listened to fish.

Haggie Sack was huge where I went to like at my community college.

There was a designated smoking area.

People were always playing Hacky Sack there.

But there was also Devil Sticks going on, and then often Poi.

There's a lot of burning man.

Poi is just like balls at the end of socks, and you spin them around, and they usually set the balls on fire.

Oh, okay.

It's all like Burning Man stuff.

Okay.

Yeah.

What the fuck is this?

Why is she got face paint on, dude?

Why does she have face paint?

For our face.

This is your first inkling that she's hot when her entire face is covered in like kabuki makeup.

Yeah.

Dude, she is so hot.

Wow, she's so fire.

Just take the glasses off, you disgusting.

Yeah, yeah.

I hate bitches that can read, dude.

That's a big pet peeve.

Take the fucking glasses.

Take them off.

She's such a slob.

Oh, my God.

What if the angle was that, like, he can't date her because she's extremely racist?

And her father's a Nazi.

She's like American History X.

What do they got?

You're reading in high school these days.

Well,

American Teen X.

Oh, man.

American History X is such a stupid movie.

Yeah, it sucks.

It's so fucking stupid.

I've never seen a guy that's a hardcore Nazi, and then like one nice guy in jail is like what changes his mind.

Yeah, because they like talk about basketball.

He's like, yeah, Magic Johnson's the best player.

He's like, no way, Larry Byrd is the best player.

I also like Eminem.

My favorite rapper is Eminem.

Eminem and Yellow Wolf.

Those are my favorites.

Yeah.

Personally, I think the best black guy is Eminem.

Yeah.

Oh, fuck.

Yo, Eminem really needs to take down Trump quick.

You think he will?

He's the only white guy that can.

He's the only guy on our side that can, right?

Who, Eminem?

Slim Shady.

Right?

Yeah, you're right.

No, keep going with this.

This sounds good.

Here's who I think the Democrats should refer to.

You know what's an even better level?

Is you say that Everlast is the best rapper.

Jeff Rappers, yeah.

House of Pain.

Because of Whitey Ford Sings the Blues, you say Everlast is the best musical artist of all time.

They should perform at the inauguration.

Everlast.

The House of Pain should reunite.

Don't you jump around at the inauguration.

That would be so fucking awesome.

You see a man at the liquor store begging for some change.

Tell him to get a fucking job.

There's no safety net for people like you.

He's like, you know, like someday, like, you might know what it's really like.

to be called a racist.

To be considered a racist.

He's wearing like a Pepe mask while doing this on.

Well, I mean, I've been having this whole, like, I've had this fantasy now about the inauguration that, like, he can't get any A-list acts.

But there's certainly a lot of, there's like some B-list acts he could definitely put.

Yeah, Dan Ninan.

That would be so tight.

Which I guess people were asking.

They want some explanation of Dan Ninan because he's come up on the show.

The reason I don't really talk about him is because it's honestly fucking boring at this point.

I mean, Dan Ninan was funny three and a half years ago.

Yeah.

I mean, he's still funny.

He's still still funny if he's new to you, but he's a limited gimmick.

Like I said, I'm glad we spent 20 minutes talking about him on our show today.

Yeah.

Well, that's, I mean, it's important for me because I've known Dan for like five years.

Yeah, I just found out about him.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I don't know.

People were asking about it.

And so Dan is this half Indian, half Japanese comedian that was born in 1950.

Where does he buy his sushi?

52.

Where does he buy his sushi?

At 7-Eleven.

Yeah.

Oh, because it's half-Japanese.

Is he Red Engine or is he...

Did you ever hear Joe Robinson going off about that bit on the Robin Joe show?

No, no, no.

It was just like, you know, they don't sell sushi at 7-Eleven.

No, they sell it at like Walgreens, but they don't have it at 7-Eleven.

Does he have hearing aids on?

Macaulay Culkin's little brother's got hearing aids in this movie.

That's deep.

Ooh, she looked good.

Excuse us for me, Dad.

I'm ugly.

Why is she suddenly seven years younger than she was in the last scene?

Anyway, so Dan Ninan is

an old guy.

He's older.

He started doing open mics in D.C.

in probably like 2005 and then sort of rubbed people the wrong way and eventually just sort of

found that the best path for a career for him was going to be to lie to people, lie to clubs and bookers and say that he's so-and-so's opener or whatever.

He used to, he just got Robert Schimmel's schedule and would call clubs as soon as they booked Schimmel and be like, hey, this is Rob Schimmel's agent.

I'm trying to get the booking information for his opener, Dan Ninan.

And the clubs would be like, whoa, what do you mean his opener?

And then he'd be like, oh, yeah, no, he has an opener that he brings with him that has to be there.

So if you could get the hotel information, and then they would book Dan.

And after like a couple months of that, I guess

Schimmel was like, who the fuck is this guy?

You know, why do they keep booking him?

And then so Dan lost that deal.

And then he moved on to Russell Peterson.

I'm David Brenner's opening.

Well, apparently, and I I don't know if this is true or not, but I'm sure it is, knowing Dan.

But when Robert Schimmel died, Dan emailed Schimmel's brother and was like, yeah, Robert was a fucking asshole and a piece of shit.

Fuck shit.

That's terrible.

Oh, yeah.

Dan's a sociopath.

He's a fucking piece of shit.

Well, he also said that Russell Peterson.

Yeah,

he does that.

The Russell Peters thing where he, you know,

I think Russell talked about it on What the Fuck or something.

Dan also tried to pay like $5,000 to have Mark Maron have him on.

There's a real thing.

He tried to bribe his way on.

So, what the fuck, where he reads the letter and he doesn't say Dan's name, but he's like, I am a corporate comedian.

I've made more money this year than you will make in your entire life.

Jesus Christ.

Yeah, yeah.

And you're too much of a coward to have me on your pod.

So my exposure to Dan was through Joe Robinson, I guess.

And like, Joe was doing that Kurt Shackleford Hyatt room.

And, you know, he meets Dan.

And Dan was like hosting.

And Dan's talking about, you know, I make $300,000 a year doing stand-up.

And then like, you know, Joe's like, then why are you doing a $10 spot

in the lobby of a hotel?

You know, like, that doesn't make any sense.

Last Friday at the Hyatt.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's a $50 spot.

Thank you.

All right.

Well,

so then fucking Dan, because he's super defensive, is like, fuck Joe Robinson, fuck Rob Mayer, ha ha ha.

Here's a picture of me and my Tesla.

Here's me in the Marcella waiting room.

I don't know why you think that's a brag that he shows up too early for his train.

It's not like a flight.

There's no security.

You just go there and get on the fucking train.

And he goes there and hangs out in the clubhouse with no one else, by the way.

Just a little.

Yeah.

So if you shit talk, Dan, he'll put you on his enemies list and he'll just email you constantly.

He really hates

JL

Covin.

Yeah, he fucking

despises him.

So he'll bring him and Josh Homer up all the time as guys that he's doing better.

All right.

So

are we going to talk about Dan?

Yeah, we're talking.

I'm just looking at kitties on the TV, dude.

It's not my fault.

What's up?

You put a movie with titties on this fucking screen, and I'm supposed to pay attention.

Rachel Lee Cook got some jumbo yum yums on it.

She does, dude.

It distracts us.

Anyway, they did, dude.

That's the first unsheathing of her titties.

It's a big moment in the movie.

Damn, she is fucking hot, dude.

All right, Nick.

All right.

Yes.

Back to Dan Ninan.

I'm only doing it because people laugh.

I preface this with I don't give a shit about Dan Ninan.

No, I just want.

Look, all I'm saying is

you can't be mad if I look at titties every once in a while.

No, I get it.

Hey.

You know,

it's a PG-13 movie, guys.

It's pretty fucking saucy.

I don't understand how a 30-year-old man.

Come on, first of all, bitch, I'm 27.

A-cup breasts.

I'm taking up titties.

And they're not A-Cups.

They're fucking big old titties.

And you know what?

Even if they were A-Cups, what's up if you got some juicy A-cups out there?

I'm with it as well.

No one is going to.

Congos to stop to look at the gorilla.

Yeah, yeah.

Amy, raindrop, drink.

I'm trying to look at some gorilla pussy, dude.

You know, gorillas have like abnormally small dicks.

That is true.

They have like, well, I guess it is normal for gorillas, but they have like three centimeter rains.

No, but it's abnormal because they have like the biggest disparity between the size of the animal and the size of their penis.

So that's why they're not.

Is that the gorilla mindset?

Yeah.

Have an extremely small dick.

Armadillos have four-inch dicks.

Whoa.

The size of them.

That's a big ass dick.

Damn, dude.

Hey, that's average size.

Now I kind of want to go out there and

fuck an armadillo

to prove it wrong.

To establish dominance over it.

Have you ever seen an Argentinian duck?

No.

Argentine duck.

They have that corkscrew penis.

Well, they have 19 inches.

Really?

Yeah, it shoots out like a fucking penis.

Yeah, it looks like an umbilical sound.

It's like scorpion from Mortal Kombat.

I wish I could do that with my dick, dude.

Just fucking.

And ducks.

That would be raining.

Ducks have the.

ducks be unconsensual.

No, it would be consensual.

Ducks have the cloaka.

They have the one-hole policy, which that for shitting and pissing and fucking fucking.

Means whatever gender you identify as, you can always fuck the duck.

That's true.

That's good to know, dude.

It's a real target policy.

I'm trying to get all up in that cloak, dude.

Yeah, pigs have a weird dick.

I remember watching a video of a pig fucking a woman one time.

What?

Yeah, you guys are talking about this on a couple of shows.

What is EFUCT?

EFUCKT was

like really bad.

E-F-U-K-T.com.

Yeah, it's still really, really despicable.

It's not what it used to be.

It was scary.

It was scary porn stuff.

Because you were talking about

a guy just fucking a blowfish.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That was my favorite video on there.

Well, it's two women in bed, and they're shoving eels in their pussies, and then it kind of like pants, like, tracks right, and then you just see a guy next to the bed, and he's shoving his dick in this big rockfish's mouth.

Aren't they quite poisonous, though?

Yeah, but only if you eat them.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, they're not poisonous too.

They're not venomous.

Okay, okay.

The best one is the fat virgin and the two porn stars, and then they take out his pathetic penis, and then one of the porn stars gives him literally one suck, and he just starts exploring.

Really?

Just starts geysering all over him.

I missed that one.

Yeah.

Really?

The pig one was great because I didn't know

the pig's dick looks like its tail, which is what's it's always surprises me when I think about like if I was going to think of a funny way to draw a pig's dick without knowing what it was, I'd be like, yeah, it would be the tail.

That would be funny.

And then you see a pig's dick and it's the tail.

And it just sort of, you know, it makes me question like, you know, evolution or if there is some kind of intelligent design that that would happen.

No, it's a good bit.

What's that?

Yeah, that would be a good bit to design a pig's dick there.

Right, yeah.

It doesn't make sense why that animal would have a dick that looks like that and other animals don't.

So,

how did the woman like it?

Oh, she had to wear a burlap sack on her back because the pigs will scratch and bite the fuck out of you.

Oh, God.

But, you know,

I guarantee you, you know, she's on a couple of sitcoms now.

She's talking to some real work.

Mom, I just need one more check.

And I swear, things are really working out here in Santa Monica.

I've got really cool roommates.

I've done a couple of of short films and things.

She's like Lawrence Fishburne's daughter.

Remember that?

She did porn.

She's like, I'm going to turn into acting.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm going to transition to acting.

Well, Sasha Gray tried doing that.

She was in one real movie, right?

Yeah.

She was in a movie that was directed by Brett or written by Brett Eastonellis and Paul Schrader.

Yeah.

Apparently, it was a piece of shit.

No, she wasn't in that.

She wasn't.

Did you see Ronda Rousey's Dean?

The male porn star was there.

Yeah, yeah.

Ronda Rousey in The Last Fast movie was so fucking bad at acting.

And I feel like she was in the entourage movie, she thinks she's gonna have an acting career, and it's just not gonna happen.

She needs to get her shit fucked up.

She got knocked out,

Ronda Roussey, who's her turtles girlfriend.

Why do you have to have a cool way to say it?

That's how you say it.

I know it isn't, you fucking bitch, and you know it.

It's a South African.

Shut up, it's a South African.

Just say your fucking name.

Ronda Rousseau was say Rousey, bitch.

Yeah, you're not even getting it wrong.

You want to have your own personal name.

Say Rousey.

Her name is Ronda Rousey.

Ronda Rousey.

Ronda Rousey.

What did you just say?

You're saying Leonard Cohn?

Yes.

Yeah.

It's Roy Cohn's.

Roy Cohn's nephew is.

What about Ronda Rousey?

Yeah, what about Ronda Rousey?

She was in the Entourage movie and she had a very romantic plot line with

Turtle.

Yeah, it was very romantic.

See, she was so bad in that fast movie.

I really doubt she'll have any kind of acting career.

Granted, I'm wrong about literally everything.

Anytime I've ever tried to predict anything, I was wrong about it.

The other other one was.

With the exception of consumer electronics.

I've been pretty right about those trends over the last 10 years.

There's an MMA lady, Gina Carano.

What's her name?

Carano?

Yeah.

Gina Carano.

She's been in a couple movies, and she's

in

Haywire, directed by Steven Soderbergh.

Yep.

She's also directed Sasha Gray and the Girlfriend Experience.

And the Girlfriend Experience.

Sasha Gray, I don't really see her having much of a career in acting.

No.

She's in a couple other movies.

Yeah, I know.

She's probably done better than most, you know.

But I think she has like a record label now or something.

That's true.

Tracy Lawrence is the, yeah, she was great.

The best actor

porn crossover is clearly Mr.

Sylvester Stallone.

Sly Stallone, baby.

The Italian stallion.

Oh, him and Frank Stallone, by the way.

I follow them both on Instagram.

Yeah, me too.

They both got to go to New Year's Eve in Mar-a-Lago with the Trump trumpet.

My favorite.

My favorite.

What?

Yeah, yeah.

Frank Stallone.

Follow him on Instagram, by the way.

I definitely would.

It loves Donald Trump.

It's private.

He loves Donald Trump.

That's awesome.

The best is the picture, the Instagram of Sly Frank and Trump is they're all doing like boxing fists.

But Sylvester Stallone just played a boxer in a movie.

Like they're not actual boxers, but they like kind of feel like it.

I feel like the only way Frank Stallone should be allowed to tweet is by writing on his own headshots that are left in Italian restaurants.

And that should be his exposure to social media.

Unveiling violence.

This is where she's hot.

Oh, yeah.

But we realize that she's hot for her.

Sixpence, none the richer.

Wow.

Kiss me.

Hell yeah.

Four foot seven.

She looks better.

She looks better in overalls and glasses.

Yeah.

She looks generically hot now.

I like indie chicks.

Yeah, me too.

Why is the whole family there?

Isn't that his family?

No, it's her family, I think.

That's a comedy.

That's his family.

Do you see that part, the comedy part of it, where she

trips?

Yeah.

Everyone's like, nice.

She's still retarded, though.

She still doesn't know how to to walk downstairs.

This movie was obviously parodied in Not Another Teen movie, which starred the now career Captain America, one of the biggest fucking movie stars in the world.

Came from a parody of this movie.

That requires acting, though.

What?

That's not like a crazy transition.

That was an acting reaction.

He was funny as shit.

You know, and really, the only guy to get out of

any kind of sports arena into acting and do really well is The Rock.

Yeah, because The Rock's charming as hell.

Just the other day, like, The Rock is the only, he's the only thing America has going for us cinematically.

Right, right.

Like, there's no other action stars.

Like, all the Star Wars movies, those are all British people.

Right.

The original Star Wars, at least they were American, right?

Right.

That's all gone.

It's The Rock and Vin Diesel are, like, the only

American movie stars.

Absolutely.

And The Rock smokes him, too.

Yeah, I mean,

Wahlberg's hanging on, but he's too old now.

And he's not on that level, though, either.

The Rock, there's something special about him, dude.

But yeah, who do we have?

Is there anybody even coming up?

Well, The Rock's uniquely charged.

Channing Tatum fight?

No.

Not Channing Tatum.

He's kind of just a pretty boy.

I guess fucking What's His Face?

It's in all the Guardian shit that everyone tries to chris Chris Pratt.

He sucks, though.

He's yeah, he's not.

He's just too like.

See, The Rock is like, has good humored about being an action star, but like Chris Pratt is just too self-referential.

He's always winking and joking.

Chris Pratt just does Seth Rogan's jokes.

Right.

In a hot way.

Everybody does, you know, and like all the commercials now just use Seth Rogan's sense of humor.

And it's fucking annoying, and it has penetrated so much of screenwriting.

Like the Force Awakens, when

what's Adam Driver's character's name?

Darth Degas, or whatever the fuck is

Darth Girls.

Destroys that whole village, and then Oscar Isaac's like, you know, they've captured him, and then they're looking at each other, and then Oscar Isaac's like,

so do like I talk now, or you talk, or whatever.

And it's supposed to be this comedic moment, and it's like just shut the fuck up.

That's so stale that well they're just trying to make him Han Solo in all those movies everyone has to be

the same it's like he's supposed to be like the wise assed way to go about it.

It's not a funny line

like there's a scene with like the

Fazbender could be he's not action he's not American he's not American he's German and Irish got a huge dick have you seen that

nice fat hog and he fucks his sister right

okay I hated that movie.

I hated it.

I've never seen the movie, but I hear he fucks a lot in it.

No, he doesn't.

I went in expecting it to be just a non-stop.

No, he doesn't fuck that much.

He really doesn't.

Doesn't he fucking hate the guy?

You see that guy?

He gets head from a gay dude.

And that was the moment in the movie where they're trying to show you how desperate and debased his life is.

What?

He's gay now.

Oh, my God.

So,

what were you saying about that?

We saw, we went last week.

We all went to go see the Boston bombing movie.

I haven't seen it.

It's now the third movie that he's done with Peter Berg that is just like where he it's like all based on like some sort of disaster or atrocity that's happened like very recently.

Oh yeah.

Like they started with like there was the Lone Survivor movie.

Hell yeah.

And the Deep Water Horizon movie movie movie movie.

That was a good movie.

Lone Survivor I fucked with.

I saw the Deepwater Horizon movie too, which is like a more cinematic disaster than the Boston bombing, which was like two pressure cookers exploding in a marathon.

So I was talking to Adam about this the other day.

Like, I think they should continue with this trend.

And my idea for the next Peter Berg, Mark Wahlberg property is just the Pulse nightclub shooting.

And it's either Mark Wahlberg could go for Oscar Glory and play a gay Latin man who survives against all odds, or one of the SWAT team guys who's like, we've got to save these gays.

Yeah.

No, it's got to be that.

It's got to be

his redemption.

Because he's a homophobic SWAT team guy, and then he saves everyone in the nightclub.

Oh, yeah.

And, like, he could do press for the movie where he's like, growing up in Boston, I didn't think gay people were humans, and I wouldn't attack them on site.

But now I know that, you know, this is America.

Yeah.

Have you ever seen him on Inside the Actor's Studio where he talks about that assault?

No, no.

I saw him 10 years ago.

Yeah.

And he sort of just laughs at it.

I saw it like James Lipton or something.

Lipton, yeah.

James Lipton.

Oh, James Lipton is the king, dude.

He's so good.

And he talks about assaulting that Vietnamese guy?

He briefly mentions it, yeah.

What does he say?

I can't.

I mean, again, I saw that 10 years ago.

That's where I learned about that.

That is like, you know, he had like a violent, you know, past or whatever.

And you watch it and you're like, what the fuck?

Shouldn't he be in jail?

Nah, dude.

Wait, didn't you say that Kanye, when he got in that car accident that made him fall asleep?

Oh, yeah, Kanye

fell asleep.

First of all, he was selfishly pursuing this production career.

Yeah, yeah.

And

fucking fell asleep while driving because he was, you know, spending all his time in the studio and drifts into oncoming traffic.

What do you mean selfishly, though?

Any creative pursuit is selfish.

I was working hard.

He could just go have a regular job.

He came from like an upper-middle-class background.

He worked at the gap.

Dude, he was a once-in-a-generation talent.

He would actually be robbing all of us by not pursuing a music career.

All right.

It's still a selfish pursuit.

No, he would actually be making collages like the lead in Natural Season.

Yeah.

So he

fell asleep while driving, like crosses into oncoming traffic, and fucking just

gets in a front-end collision with some cab driver, and then was like, you know,

lawyered up and made it so that he didn't have to pay the guy anything and like destroyed this guy's life and his business.

That's terrible.

And then, and then he, that, that accident and, like, through the wire.

Yeah, right.

That was, like, the first single that, you know.

Off of the college dropout.

Yes.

And the rest of his history.

Yeah.

And it was because he destroyed that poor, I'm assuming, Pakistani man's

life.

I don't know, dude.

I won't have it.

I hate Duke Kanye.

And that man was Aisha Tsidiki's father.

You know, and she has no idea.

It's sort of like a Gangs of New York situation.

Like a reverse.

I don't even remember the podcast.

I don't remember.

They were like Traffic.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That was a good movie.

Now you want to play by Travis.

Traffic is another movie that sucks.

What do you think about good movies?

I like Traffic.

You like Traffic?

I like Sicario, too.

They're like Sicario.

I don't like that either.

I like Sicario because it was just like, I started watching it.

I'm like, oh, it's just traffic again.

All right.

No, what's happening?

You got Benicio?

No, what's stupid about Traffic?

It's got a good cast, right?

Like that whole sub-pop with Michael Douglas' daughter, where she like, she

snorts Coke once, and then in the movie, a week later, she's literally getting picked out in a crack house.

This doesn't happen.

Yeah, it's unrealistic, but it does.

I mean, when you have to, like.

That was a great movie, by the way.

There's not enough time to develop that.

It's just that scene, though.

The assassin.

Yeah, yeah, oh, yeah, in

weapon breweries.

Just that when he told me that to me, that scene is good.

I love the smile that he has.

David was the

voice of the U.S.

Navy.

Anytime those commercials would come on, I'd be like, Navy, accelerate your life, ass to ass.

He has a great voice.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's one of my favorites.

But you can't, I could never see those Navy commercials.

I know, I do.

Those aircraft carriers without thinking about him making Jeremy Crowder.

He's more before 6 a.m.

than most people do all day.

I'm not taking it out for air, Cinderella.

Fuck, dude.

What a line.

I'm not taking it out for air.

Jesus Christ.

Oh, man.

That fucking mischievous ass smile he has when he tells her they have to go ass to ass.

Yeah.

He is the perfect like...

Like fun villain.

Yeah.

I was just saying I want to watch Dead Presidents again.

That's great.

I love that.

I see that on dvd i love that movie it's cool uh i i the guy uh uh what's his name uh bokeim woodbine he's great yeah he's great and he's in fargo and he just doesn't age he's one of those weird people that doesn't age at all yeah dude he's been in movies since like

yeah well more so than normal yeah yeah yeah no he looks great no they don't age bro yeah they don't don't he's been that he's looked like that since like the early 80s gabrielle union she's in this movie she looks good is that how old he is bokeing woodbine he's pretty old yeah he's He's got to be in his late 40s.

Who's this guy?

What does he look like?

The dude on Fargo right now.

He's in Fargo, he plays.

He's awesome.

The Kansas City gang member.

Yeah, I like that he got a lot of

note for that character in Fargo because he was awesome.

Yeah, I've always liked him.

Dude, that show was great.

It really was.

I think there was the only shows I really enjoyed.

I thought season two was a little bit better than season one, but I liked them both.

Yeah, I thought they were both great.

I love Billy Bob, but I thought

his plotline was a little too Jason-borne for me.

It was like he was just too good at karate and knowing which door to open and stuff like that.

But the second season I thought was awesome.

I liked them both.

I didn't see Fatima.

And Matt's Adams Phil TV review.

TV guide.

TV guide.

I don't watch any new.

I just was watching RuPaul's Drag Race for the first time.

That shit is awesome, dude.

But I don't watch any good TV, except the Sopranos, which I've been watching.

Well, you started watching fucking

the

Clayton Dallas.

What's it called?

Oh, Cameron Dallas.

Clayton Dallas.

Wait, I want to know more about this show.

He's literally, he's like a Vine teen.

Yeah, he's like an SC show.

So here's the setup.

So Cameron Dallas is one of these Vine kids.

He's actually originally an Instagram.

Was he in the Vine apartment in LA?

No, no, no.

No.

He was part of this thing called MagCon, which was put together by this older man that was like, obviously, he clearly feels like he missed the boat on being a Vine boy because he's in his late 30s and he

could have been a pretty boy when he was.

He was like one of these guys.

He was like a Freddy Primp.

He was a pimp.

Yeah, so this guy, he started this thing, MagCon, where he gets all these boys together and parades the boys in front of young girls.

And then he collects all the money.

He's like the Lou Perlman, the blimp on the bottom of the drive.

Entrepreneur,

Lou Perlman meets Justin Bieber's dad.

Have you ever seen it?

Exactly right.

He's like a fucking monster energy drink kind of

real fetter line vibe.

Tatted up, yeah, K-Fed type dude.

Yeah, sure.

That's great.

Yeah, he's a pimp.

So he was pimping out the children.

The children got upset about it because they weren't getting enough money, so they stopped doing the MagCon, and then they went with another guy that pimped them out even harder and exploited them even more.

So they went back to their original.

So they went back to their original pimp and they said, Look, we've always been your bottom dollar bitch.

You know,

we want to kiss the ring.

We want to turn that ass out.

But then they fucked up.

You did

by doing grapevines.

I'm going to put that boy pussy on the stroll for you.

So, yeah, then they go on like a European tour, and it's basically their exploits.

You know what I mean?

It's just like

Cameron Dallas got equity in this MagCon thing, so now he's the boss of MagCon.

Yeah, he's like this other guy.

Yeah, now I'm like a Vine Star and also a CEO.

So, like, I got a hundred, you know, I have a lot of pressure in my life.

Yeah, and his mom is just like just oh, yeah, they show these kids' backgrounds, and it's like they are, they don't, you know, they have kind of tragic backgrounds.

It's like my mom was a drug addict, and my dad was the guy that got her addicted to drugs.

And so I had to live with my green ma on green paw, my poo paw on peepaw, and I was raised by pee-pee and poo-poo.

It's chilling to learn the pathos that's behind jokes about your mom not having the, you know, bagel bites ready.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They all look.

She was in recovery, but

they all look like sort of like feminized, too.

They're all very beautiful.

They're sexy little boys, for sure.

Yeah, they have like full, they have gay mouth.

They got a real

Adam Freebie.

Cameron does have gay mouth.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, me and Cameron, you know, we're...

I mean, that's always sort of been

traditionally handsome.

Just a little bit of

feminization.

For sure, for sure.

Elvis.

Elvis looked like a little bit of like a mouse.

I don't know if Elvis had gay mouth.

Because he kind of curled up.

He was the idea.

He had full lips.

I don't know.

I don't know yet.

I'd have to take a look again.

The best was the guys that were considered handsome, even though they were objectively not, like Bogart or Jerry Orbach.

Yeah, yeah.

This guy looks like absolute shit.

Yeah, that's how strong the patriarchy used to be, dude.

You just got to pick some guys that women had to fucking think are handsome.

Yeah, we really

amused that man.

We got to get back to those levels, dude.

Talking about all the Vine boys getting pimped out, it reminded me this is a good Cometown film wreck at the close out of the year.

Have you guys seen the documentary or heard of the documentary that came out this year called Tickled?

Oh, yeah, I've heard about it.

I saw the trailer, but

I was going to see it, and then I heard it was pretty disappointing.

No, I enjoyed it.

It was entertaining because it's just like the concept is that there is this basically one guy in Long Island who's been impersonating women and people online for years.

Years, basically blackmailing teenage boys and young men into tickling each other on videos.

Hell yeah.

He is the mastermind of this entire

boy-tickling network.

Hell yeah, dude.

And rules it through intimidation and blackmail.

It's done through Christianity, sort of?

Kind of.

How does he blackmail him?

He gets dick pictures?

Well, he blackmails them because he's then threatens to show all of these pictures and hours of a video to their friends, employers, schools.

The name makes it sound like

it should have been a Brendan Fraser movie that came out in 2001.

Yeah,

post-June.

I've got to find these boys.

I got to find them.

It's pretty nuts, though.

I'm going to check that out.

I want to see that shit.

Speaking of Beef Rage, you know a movie I saw the other day?

Monkey Bone?

Bedazzle?

Bedazzle.

Is that the one?

He's the Devil or whatever.

Earlized with Earl's the Devil.

It's a good movie.

And he asked to be like

a famous basketball star, but he's a really good thing.

Yeah, he's really really speedy.

He has to be the most sensitive guy in the world, but he can't stop crying.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's very good.

That shit.

Elizabeth Hurley is a fucking.

Oh, she's a dime marina.

Yeah, yeah.

She looks really good in that shit.

I remember seeing tabloid pictures of her with like 35 Nicorette patches on her body.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Apparently she smokes like six packs of cigarettes a day.

Hell yeah, dude.

She probably does.

She kind of looks evil, which makes sense for her being Satan.

Is that a British thing, maybe?

Looking evil?

Yeah.

Now, they either look like big-time pussies or they look evil.

They look like they're up to something or they have like that fat, like, scone face.

Yeah, them boys up to something.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They plot, they scheme the British.

Sorry, real quick, this is the point in the movie where Richelieu Cook reveals to Freddie Prince Jr.

that her mother died and she makes collage art about it, and she's gone back to being really unattractive.

Oh, she went back to that fucking ponytail.

If I have to see that bullshit, one more bitch.

Her collage art sucks, though.

Yeah, she sucks at all.

She's actually depicting Muhammad.

Everyone of her paintings is Muhammad.

Why is she being a piece of shit to him?

She doesn't know.

She's not aware yet of his scheme.

She's defensive.

She can't let people in the background.

She has a past.

Come on, man.

What's the past?

Being artists.

He died because of her art.

Her art killed.

No, they were in the car together, and she was doing collage art in the back, and the mom was like, just put that away.

She just spread paint on the windshield.

She painted a picture of a beautiful sunset on the inside of the windshield

for her mom before her mom went to work.

And then her mom fucking went right into a salon.

Her mom ran into Kanye West.

So it wasn't his fault.

And then he spit it through the wire.

Yeah, yeah.

Dude.

Yeah, it's like in Team America where

they talk about the cast of cats raped.

That's why he hates actors because he was raped by the magical Mr.

Mistophiles.

We got to go see.

That is such a funny fucking movie.

Is it Catsum back on Broadway?

Yeah, it is for it.

Dog, it's in the Neil Simon theater.

So the theater's in.

Neil Simon.

Neil Simon Cats.

So they're all Jewish.

What are we going to do?

I want to see Cats by David Mammoth.

Where's the fucking litter box?

You piece of shit.

You stupid.

I'm trying to cough up a fucking hairball, and you're down my ass.

Why don't you get a job, you fucking cunt?

Shelly, Shelly, I ought to write that.

Shelly, I tell you.

I was licking myself.

I was licking my arms and my legs.

I was getting real clean.

And then what happens?

Right as soon as I feel smooth, I get this this tickling in the back of my throat.

And I know I'm just going to buff up a big one.

We really legitimately should go see Cats and review it for the pod, dude.

It's a business expense.

I want to see Opera.

Oh, I shouldn't have said that.

I want to go see Jason.

Opera, do you mean that short for Phantom of the Opera?

Which, by the way, I brought the scene before.

I've never seen Phantom of the Opera, but I was reading the Wikipedia page a while back.

I had no idea that his name isn't the Phantom of the Opera.

It's Eric.

That's that character that I'm.

Yeah.

In the opera, that's just a guy named Eric.

It's just my friend Eric.

Yeah, yeah.

They don't call him Eric though in it, do they?

We should go see Joseph in his amazing Technicolor dream coat and then get kicked out for yelling, where's the coat?

Should have the coat the entire time.

Coat, coat.

Bring that coat out.

Let me see that motherfucking coat.

Oh, the real world.

Shit, I didn't realize he makes the real world.

Why the fuck do people watch?

I never understood the real world.

Sometimes girls would make out with each other.

Yeah, yeah.

Like in the real world Vegas season, there were two girls making out for like two seconds on one episode.

So, you know, I watched the whole thing.

Yeah, it's funny.

I like bitch about like Vine stars and shit and like, you know, how they literally do nothing and they have all this fame, but that's exactly what the real world was.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's just fucking people.

Well, those guys would have been on the real, like, Cameron, whatever.

He was going to figure out a way to be, you know.

That's all it is.

Now, Vine Hansen.

Oh, shit.

You guys ever listen to Hansen?

Yeah.

Oh, this is

where

two kids are battle rapping each other.

It's the only two black people.

No, Usher's in this.

Little Kim.

And the president's helper in the West West.

Who's the beatboxing guy?

This Wario character.

Why is he looking so many Stokes at school?

Yeah, dude.

That's weird for a 90s movie.

90s movies were like aggressively anti-oh, because he's the bad guy.

Yeah, Palmer's the bad guy.

The bad guy smokes cigarettes.

And that was an art nerd.

No, 90s movies were aggressively anti-cigarette.

Right.

That was like, you know, those things will kill you.

That fucking day.

But fuck, man.

Every other decade, they're so pro.

Yeah.

Like, every black and white movie, everyone's smoking cigarettes.

They look so fucking cool.

Yeah.

And it's not like they didn't know prior to the 90s.

Yeah,

but they honestly, I don't know, up until like I always wonder if he's like,

it's like, how did he become an actor?

He's fucking bloated.

He's pumpkin.

He should be in a bowling league.

Oh, he was in other shit.

This guy was in other shit.

Yeah, he's now on Daredevil.

He's Kevin's.

Isn't he

in Power Rangers?

One of the bad guys?

No, he's one of the bowling ladies.

Isn't he Kevin from Home Alone or Kevin's older brother from Home Alone?

No.

Is that Buzz?

Yeah, isn't it?

It might be Buzz.

Is it?

I don't think so.

He is the

beta friend on Daredevil.

The one who

Daredevil fucks his bitch, right?

Doesn't he?

I don't think so.

No?

No.

He doesn't.

No, he doesn't.

But he could.

He could.

Yeah, yeah.

The girl wants to fuck Daredevil, but she doesn't.

And then that opens up the thing for him to fuck her.

Right?

How fucking annoying would it be if you break up with a girl and then you see her on the street and she's walking around with some fucking daredevil blonde guy and she's like, oh, he's like a great listener.

Like, you never listen to me.

You know, he can't, like, you know.

And because he's blonde?

Because he's fucking blonde.

Yeah.

Nice, man.

He's a good listener because he's blind.

Yeah.

His other senses, including listening.

And then he just grabs her pussy and he's like, yeah, this is my service bitch.

She's got to wear that weird

full body leash.

Yeah, yeah, he's got a sign that says, don't talk to me out more here.

Don't get it.

Shut up, bitch.

I only suck dick and let this man know when across the street.

So yet again, that would be pretty annoying.

I hope fucking Trump makes that happen, that you can get a service bitch

if you're blind.

Wait, there's a pubes joke at this PG-13 movie?

Is that where they put the pubes on the pizza?

What are the pizza?

What the pubs on the pizza.

This movie.

Oh, okay.

It just literally just happened.

Oh, what's going on here?

Who's Taylor Vaughan?

Oh, prom queen.

Uh-oh.

Uh-oh.

Freddy Prince is regulating.

Kill all artists.

Dude, I need this shirt.

Oh, the bad guy in the movie is wearing a shirt that says, kill all artists, and it's got a gun on it.

That's so so sick.

That's so punk rock.

That's exactly what the punk rock guy would wear.

Like, you know, like, was it like Pete Seeger or something?

You said, like, a statue.

Oh, this guy.

Dylan Klebold.

That's him.

Wow, this is before Columbine.

This is an early role for Dylan.

What else is this guy in?

Do you think Dylan Klebold and Dylan Roof are going to go to a special heaven for guys like Dylan?

Oh, my God.

You're definitely going to the same heaven as that.

Like, what the fuck?

His name isn't Dylan.

It was like for making that joke you kidded me.

Freddie Prince Jr.

is making a guy eat pubes.

He's his own pubes.

Oh,

dude.

Looks like saffron threads.

Yeah.

You know what's funny is like they're probably fake pubes, but then some guy from like the props department, like they fucked up his union hours or something, and then they became real pews.

Yeah,

oh, yeah.

Why are they afraid of him?

This guy could easily beat up for anything.

He's got a tattoo.

There's two of them.

Yeah.

Well, he's got status, dude.

Oh, they're mean to Simon.

That's why it's making them pupes.

They're not learning any lessons here.

They're just getting bullied.

Right.

Yo, look at that push and

kill that deaf piece of shit.

Oh, I forgot he was deaf.

Yeah, he's got hearing aids.

Yeah.

Do you guys see that trashy Asian Asian lady?

I don't know what you're saying about trashy.

Watch, dude.

She's hot.

He's using his bullying for good now.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, that's that guy from Len in the background with the bucket hat.

You steal my ascension.

Her, look.

Trashy.

Yeah.

That's a trashy.

What if it said a kill all artists?

He had a shirt that said kill all deaf kids

with the gun.

What year was this movie made, though?

1989.

1998, 99.

Oh, man, this was like right at the cusp before everything got dark.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, you wouldn't be able to wear that shirt to school.

You had a Rage Against the Machines shirt that they made me turn inside out because it had like Zapata with a gun on the front.

I bought a fucking

Che shirt on vacation in Mexico with my parents, and I thought it was a Rage Against the Machine.

But I was like, dude, I was just like 12.

Oh, dude, I was such a piece of shit.

When I was like a senior in high school, I had one of those, the Che Guevara shirts.

I I thought I was cool as shit, dude.

Oh, yo, you can buy these shirts.

A kill all artists.

Kill all artists shirts?

Yeah, hell yeah.

Oh, let's get those.

Wait, one of them is $430.

Oh, that's boss.

If it's $420, I'd buy it.

Tom Sachs, is that like a fancy designer?

Let's just bootleg them, dude.

Yeah, we can definitely design these for ourselves.

Jokeshirt.com.

Let's see.

We can probably get it for selling.

Shout out to our sponsor, jokeshirt.com.

Go there, use promo code COMETON to get the kill all artists shirt for free.

And if they don't send it to you, please send death threats to them.

It's for $21.

Not worth it.

Oh, yeah.

People are ordering those

Funny Moms t-shirts.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, yeah.

I'm sending them out.

That's crazy.

You'll be getting them this week if you order.

No Funny Moms t-shirts.

The Jordan.

The Jordan coming.

Where's my 2x, bitch?

They couldn't find enough.

Oh, you guys should listen to Chappo.

We got a lot of Chappo.

Are you guys selling these?

Not yet.

He's going to be ultra-limited edition.

My failed dad Christmas present.

That was actually the best present ever.

He actually made bootleg t-shirts.

That's awesome.

Fuck.

You guys got any 2Xs for the kids?

Me and my dad are doing the thing where we just sort of talk to each other once a week and pretend like we got something for each other and that we just don't know how to mail it.

That's the holidays.

Me and my parents are doing the thing where they forget the name of my podcast that I'm on.

They're like, how is

the boys?

Well, why did you tell them?

Did you ever tell them?

They found out.

I told you that.

Yeah, remember they disowned them because the podcast is anti-Israel?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We're pro-Bib Netanyahu.

Well, we'd support a one-state solution where the entire world should be Cometown.

We actually,

we want Israel to be Cometown.

Well, no, no, no.

The entire world would be Israel, and then Israel would be aware of the world.

Actually, my plan is just

sell Israel to the Anthony Cumiya Network

and turn it into one big podcast due to go where Eastside Dave jerks off retards all day long.

Jerks off acidic retards.

Jerk them off, Dave.

It's in the that's now that's in the second temple now.

Oh, yeah.

Whatever the most sacred place is.

That's the Wailing Wall.

Wailing Wall is the name of Gavin's new show.

Fuck yeah, dude.

Fuck, what was I going to say?

Well, you liked Star Star Wars, didn't you?

Let's talk about this because that shit.

Rogue One, you won't?

Yeah, I thought it was pretty good.

I didn't see it yet, but

I thought it was a million times better than The Force Awakens.

That's great, because I didn't like Force Awakening.

Yeah, Force Awakens was fucking tough.

I thought Force Awakens was terrible.

More like Force Puts Me to Sleep, folks.

Well, if you haven't seen it, I don't want to talk about it.

Folks,

not bad, dude.

Folks, puts me to sleep.

Got it.

That's nice, D.

All right.

I just want to make sure.

Everyone heard it.

Yeah, no, I mean, I want to go see Rogue One.

Or at least I can't find a screener.

screener.

Of Rogue One?

Yeah.

Yeah, it's the screener season's been tough this year.

It's been bad.

I normally watch all the movies around Christmas.

What about Phil?

Can't Phil get that shit?

Yeah, make Phil get him.

Well, no, Phil's industry now.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, so he should have access to that.

That works for Sony, dude.

That's more of a reason why.

So have your friend Phil, who works for Sony, who could never be fired for giving a screener,

copy the screeners and upload them to the internet.

It's not all he's already done.

He's had any problems lately with things getting leaked.

Oh, yeah.

It wasn't going to have a place.

placeholder.

When North Korea hacked Sony, he was just like, dude, work is so stressful.

Like, North Korea hacked us.

I was like, why do you care?

He's like, the whole company might shut down.

Like, there was a good chance that

Seth Rogan almost destroyed the entire company.

Hell yeah.

Wait, it was Seth Rogan's fault?

Yeah, because of the

dictator.

Which wasn't even worth it.

Yeah, it wasn't worth it.

Yeah.

Everyone's like, oh, oh, we're going to go to North Korea.

Oh, we're going to smoke this pot.

Wait,

I'm sorry?

I'm fucking sorry.

What if

Jim Henson presents Seth Rogen?

Man, I would love to be Seth Rogan rich, dude.

I've been thinking about being rich recently.

I hope it never happens, bro.

Oh, I forget, dude.

Paul Walker tries to fuck her so he could win the bet.

Oh, no, they're going to explode.

Paul Walker asks, oh, Paul Walker is so conniving in this.

I'm glad he's dead now.

I'm so angry.

He's

out of the way.

The plan

is not cool.

What the fuck?

Dude, I'm sorry.

I'm enraptured by this movie.

Can we watch Varsity Blues next?

I don't won't.

You're wrong.

We should watch the Cameron Dallas show next or Congo.

I would really love to watch Congo.

After we wrap this

objectively terrible

of this podcast yeah whatever man

we're gonna have you know i feel bad but it's also like the tv was purchased with the money we made from podcasts right so it's like should i really feel bad it's kind of the audience's fault yeah for giving me that money yeah i feel great yeah thanks for having me on guys yeah no i've always been great yeah yeah it's mostly stav's fault i'd say and then probably mine next and then adam's been surprisingly good this one right right usually he's the worst one on the show

we talk about your fan Bob who sounds off in the comments.

He hates Adam.

Bob is the funniest fucker.

I love Bob so much.

I don't care what he thinks about Adam.

And the one where he's like, I get two hours a week away from my demon wife.

Hell yeah, dude.

I'm Team Bob.

I'm Team Bob too, dude.

I had to be on Facebook when I did Race Wars, and I thought it was like, you know, somebody doing an old guy character.

And I messaged him, and I was like, what's your deal?

And he's like, just a Race Wars fan.

I'm like, but are you really like an old man?

He's like, Well, that's, you know, I guess, relative.

Oh, yo, look at this painting.

Oh, she's a clown.

James Cameron ripped her off.

That's the Navi right there.

That's Avatar.

That motherfucker.

I love that that movie came out and immediately Flashlight had an Avatar pushy.

They're making two or three more of those.

Has there ever been a movie?

Two or three more Avatar movies.

No, Avatar.

Has there ever been a movie

that's made more money with

little cultural impact as Avatar?

It's crazy.

I mean, it's insane.

Does anyone like that?

There's literally been no movie that's made that much money.

That's crazy because it's the highest gross I saw in all time.

And it's a garbage movie.

No, it's sucker.

It's a dick.

But here's what's going on.

I never thought.

You know, the first one, you go and see it, and what makes it such an immersive experience is the 3D glasses.

But for the second one, it's going to be even better because it's going to be in 3D.

It'll probably be in 4K, but you can also bring your avatar flashlights into it.

And you can fuck the avatars.

That is five dimensions.

That's the fifth dimension.

The fifth dimension is coming.

That's why fucking Stephen Hawking is obsessed with

special relativity.

You joke, but you remember in Avatar, right?

When they hook, when they fuck.

Yes, they had their tails.

They hooked ponytails.

Their ponytails, like tentacles.

Like, actually, it's like sport with one another.

Exactly.

It's like a USB thing.

That's interesting.

They're stalking.

However, they're docking.

Also in that movie, when they tame those flying dinosaurs or whatever, they port into them as well.

It's the same.

Oh, they're fucking

dinosaurs.

Yeah, to fuck dinosaurs.

It's awesome.

I didn't even realize that.

Odd.

Very strange.

My favorite scene in that movie is when the mech pulls out a knife.

When the robot has a knife, he doesn't have guns.

The robot has a...

I mean, weapon of last resort.

Yeah, I guess.

I don't remember the movie.

Kevin Pollock is in this movie.

Norman Wilkerson had the funniest line about that movie.

He goes,

What the fuck did he say?

He was like, So it was, it's just like black people meets the cover of every yes album.

Blue Man Group meets the cover of every yes album.

And it does look really prog rock.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I can't believe it.

Yeah, I thought I heard that once it came out, he was going to make like seven.

Like, he had this crazy.

Well, he designed a language.

He had like a linguist make a language for him.

But then yet, the font that you're doing.

Wait, how funny is that that he basically

commissioned a linguistics professor, like they're a guy that did screen printing.

Make me some shitty merch for my movie.

I need a language printed up.

I bet you're paid better than being a fucking professor, whatever the fuck they use.

He's such a Spurgo, James Cameron.

You should watch, do yourself a favor, watch his best director acceptance speech for Titanic.

It's so funny.

Yeah, when he asked for a moment of silence, like a

victims of the Titanic.

Victims of the Titanic.

What?

And it was like during Bosnia.

Yeah.

You know,

a moment of silence for the Titanic victims.

Sort of monster.

And then at the end,

then he's just not crushing the speech.

And it's going really bad.

At the end, he's like, well, I guess there's

one thing left to say.

I'm the king of the world.

You're a crowd.

Yeah, yeah.

Terrible.

Dude, what's his name?

Fuck.

The guy who directed Shame and then 12 Years a Slave.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Steve McQueen.

Steve McQueen.

Yeah, yeah.

He should have done that for 12 years a slave.

Yeah, yeah.

Vic's only one thing left to say.

I'm 12 years a slave.

I'm free.

But, like, okay, so his asking for a moment of silence for the victims of the Titanic.

Yeah.

One of the worst boating accidents ever.

He couldn't get away with that now because people would get mad at him and be like, Hollywood, just only recognizing white victims.

Because literally, only white people die in the Titanic.

So

you can accuse all those people.

Then you can accuse all those people of stealing Cedric's bit

about how

no black bands are going to be playing as the ship goes down.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, which is a great bit, by the way.

I think it's a hilarious bit.

What's the bit?

They got the bands playing as the.

Maybe it's Steve Harvey, but they're like, what black band?

Yeah, it's like, what black band do you know is going to be playing as the ship go down?

It's like, you know, fucking cool in the gang.

It's like, pack up the shit.

We're getting back.

Yeah, it was on Kings of Comedy.

It's from the King special.

It's part of the bigger bit, which is about how, like,

black people, anytime they see people running, they run right away.

He also has that joke in that one about how

black people, he's like, do you think black people can't play hockey?

Because it's a sport where they let you fight.

He's like, there'll just be one dude on the ice.

Making around for people?

Yeah, I know, he's a man.

Dude, Cedric's amazing.

Cedric, I think, is a very good comic.

Yeah, I like him a lot.

I think it's very funny.

Before you guys came, we were watching the Werner Herzog Volcano documentary.

Yeah.

And in it, he talks about there is this French couple that, like,

all they did was film volcanoes, but film them, like, extremely close up in a way that's just stupid.

Yeah.

Like, they got amazing footage, but it's just like, it's just suicidal.

Right.

And he's like, you know, they filmed volcanoes for many years at great risk to their lives.

Of course, they they were eventually killed by a volcano of 40 other people.

So, of course, I had the thought that this would be a great bit for a black comic.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What black people are doing?

What black people are going to kill by volcanic?

You can really do that.

I guess, like, they just never get killed by nature.

And that's the trade-off.

That's why we have to do it.

Is because, you know, what a tornado?

This tornado is not going to be.

Like, white guys have to be jumping on airplanes.

Hurricane Katrina.

Oh, yeah.

That's the one.

It's Hurricane Katrina.

Yeah.

But Hurricane Katrina,

what killed so many people, wasn't actually the hurricane.

It was the levees.

Yeah.

It wasn't really the name.

It was a man-made disaster.

That's true.

It was the Army Corps of the United States.

It was also the police afterwards.

Yeah, it was fucking

a lot of people.

Just raping and beating their way through fucking New Orleans.

Yeah.

Shooting all those people.

Damn.

That's when

you could really let loose as a cop.

Imagine being a racist person.

Like, if you ever heard a story about a black guy getting eaten by a killer whale, you'd be like, that can't be right.

Yeah.

Yeah,

Jamel used to have a bit about canoeing

and

mountain climbing.

Mountain climbing.

Oh, that joke is so funny.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, shout out to our friend Jamel Johnson, who has started listening to the podcast and loves it.

Oh, yeah?

Nice.

Shout out to you.

We got to have Jamel on.

Jamel's hilarious.

Oh, yeah, for sure.

We will.

I'm trying to get him to come out here.

This movie suddenly got way too fucking loud.

Yeah, why is it so loud?

Is it Campbell Brothers?

No, it's Fat Boy Slim.

Oh, shit.

The literal school dancer did dancing was this gorgeous.

Yeah, yeah.

The whole school knows a Bollywood-style dance routine.

And every girl is just so hot.

Yeah.

And Usher is the DJ of the school.

He's just DJs during the wow.

Everyone's doing thriller now.

This is awesome, dude.

Yeah, Usher.

Ursher, dude.

Go off, dude.

Now there's a man who fucks.

Usher Raymond.

yes

usher raymond not a virgin

yeah they should they should do this in high schools where they force the theater department to coordinate all the dances months in advance

it's a fucking four-story party i love it yeah yeah

this is the four story

i can't wait to doesn't paul does paul walker must try and like biff her right like rape or some shit i think that is buzz from home alone i think it is it probably is he's also in uh you know that guy's in uh Blue Ruin.

He plays the friend that gets the guns for his film.

Yeah.

Whoever is bit from or Buzz from Home Alone.

Oh, really?

I don't know.

It is the same guy.

That was a fantastic movie.

Yeah, because he's gained like a million pounds.

Yeah.

Atlanta Packland's got a very small role in this movie.

Will, have you ever seen Rad, the BMX movie?

I think I mentioned it.

Oh, you talked about it on the show.

I don't know.

We talked about it.

No, we talked about it in person.

Yeah, we talked about it.

We talked about it on Tip Top.

Yeah, we should watch that, maybe.

That's a good one.

What about Gleaming the Cube, the Christian Slater skateboarding movie?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hell yeah.

Gleaming the Cube.

That shit rules.

What's the movie at The Cutting Edge where the hockey player gets

great?

He loses his sight and has to become a figure skater.

What, really?

Yeah, no, he uses the skills he learned on the ice.

Yeah, he'd probably be a good Olympics in the couple's figure skating club.

Oh, he catches a woman?

Yeah.

I love the premise of Happy Gilmore.

It's like, what if a guy who played golf wasn't a complete pussy?

And it's like, because he's so strict.

Everybody who plays golf is too weak to fucking hit the ball hard.

Tiger Woods benches like three plates.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's all incredibly fucking strong.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yo, he's still strong.

You saw his shirtless Christmas.

Look at how many women he's cheated with.

You have to be very strong.

That's how strong you get.

Every waitress that it takes truck stop, you fucking stop.

It takes CrossFit to cheat on your wife.

It's a sign of strength, dude.

No weak guys, fuck.

Except for Adam.

Man, Paul Walker was great.

I'm the only one.

And you know how I do it how being on the bottom every time

being a bottom every time yeah being a bottom

Somebody messaged me somebody said that uh

wait someone said a second wait wait somebody messaged me and they they were like yo I was at a party with somebody that fucked Adam one time and they said that Adam was doing all this gay shit before they fucked like trying to turn his he was like let me make my body into the shape of different states and he was like pretending he was Idaho and Florida and then I was like

that is quite literally the the gayest shit I've ever heard in my entire life.

You definitely did it.

No way.

You definitely did it.

No way.

You 100%.

I would tell you if it was me.

I would not be embarrassed.

You did.

I've said enough on this podcast and off this podcast to you guys.

Real quick, I have to cover also because I guess people couldn't find that.

I forget where I mentioned the FBI story, and I guess people are bugging me about it.

But the FBI came to interrogate me for being an ISIS sympathizer because my piece of shit, Philly uncle, was going around saying that you know I was an ISIS sympathizer.

That's incredible.

You knew what a Caleb was.

I just explained what a caliphate was.

You explained it.

He was like, how do you know all this stuff?

He literally asked you what the deal is with ISIS and you explained it to him and then he reported you to the FBI.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't know about that.

Hey, having knowledge.

He's got too much information.

It doesn't sound good to me.

You got to call the FBI on him.

So that's what happened.

He's telling the guys down at Wawa that.

Did you get mad at newspapers and shit.

My nephew wrote Fuck America on Facebook.

And I think I'm a turning.

Oh, yeah, that's the other thing.

They just lied.

I think they lied to the FBI and said that I wrote fuck America on Facebook because I did, which is a crime.

And I might call the FBI and tell them, what if I'm just me and my shitty family just waste the FBI's time reporting each other back and forth?

Yeah, you should fully report him.

Like, meanwhile, like,

those FBI agents are like, at the bottom of their pile of work is like six Saudi nationals who joined a flight school.

Didn't want to didn't, weren't interested in learning on kicking off or landing.

Dude, they're scary, though.

Like, I had to meet them.

Oh, my God, fuck yeah.

Are you kidding me?

Yeah, yeah.

Tell me just about getting a voicemail.

Did they flat top haircuts?

What kind of haircuts were the FBI guys?

One guy was like a cooler hipster-looking guy.

FBI hipster?

They were like REI hipsters.

They were more white people.

And then the other one,

I think the other one was like a mid-Atlantic guy that came up because he had sort of like

an accent, I guess.

But, you know, they were wearing like Patagonia, you know, or like North Face vaskets.

Really?

They weren't wearing black suits?

Yeah.

It was Will Smith.

Yeah, and then Will Smith did a rap, and then

he beat the shit out of some guy there.

They fuck, you know.

I think like they're the guys from the Sopranos.

Yeah, that's my.

Will Smith was just looking at his reflection and trying his sunglasses on

while Tommy Lee Jones questioned me.

So, yeah, that's the episode.

I'm real sorry about it.

Fucking fun.

No, no, it was fun.

I'm kidding about it apologizing, but I do think it was a bad idea to put a movie in there.

Yeah, it is.

I can't do it.

I will never be able to do it.

I should have learned that the last one.

I mean, I'm guilty of it, too.

It's impossible not to comment on this, but how that's going to translate to audio when someone's in the middle of the story and then you're like, a blue shirt?

Who would wear that?

I think people will appreciate me

being

a little bit cities.

You're going to have to do the math.

But right now, the podcast is at one minute or one hour, nine minutes, 15, 16, 17 seconds.

And the line in the movie is...

Dean the key, so something at the end.

So if you sync up, download She's All That

and sync it up based on that information.

Watch Watch it along with us.

Watch it along with us.

Oh, shit.

Paul Walker's about to try and fight.

Put on Wizard of Oz and

Pink Floyd together.

Will, thank you so much.

We've been watching

you on for a while,

Billy, right?

Yeah.

If anyone's like a non-chop, like a

ONA type people.

Yeah, if you're an ONA guy,

listen to the chop guy.

You're one of the people that accuses us of being leftists, even though we're not.

Don't fucking mention anything like that.

my show.

Listen to their show.

No, it's

well produced.

It's better than most of Lewis's properties.

All of them.

So listen to chapter 10.

It's like one of the shirts.

It's like a low T version of us.

Yeah, yeah.

It's like betas that no show.

Unlike us alpha dogs.

The T stands for thinking.

Yeah, we're the thinking

pop.

We're the fucking statue of the guy with his fist under his chin.

Wait, did you tell me you were making fun of Wardell for liking the show?

And he's like, Politics is cool, though.

Yo, yo, yo.

Yo, yo, politics is lit.

Brandon's a fucking idiot, dude.

Fuck Wardell, dude.

Thinking he's smart.

He's dumb as shit.

I'm running Naruto on Hillary Clinton.

He's been doing these jokes since he was six, dude.

His brain never knew anything.

There was never a point in Brandon's life where he was smart, and now he's trying to be smart.

Yeah.

And he can suck my titties.

Well, so suck Stav's titties, Brandon Wardell.

What about, should we plug the show?

The

live show?

Yeah, you know, I've been talking to the other Lewis, the Carolines Lewis.

I sort of soft confirmed that February 22nd date.

Cool.

If you want to handle that, actually.

I can.

Yeah, just handle that.

Okay.

Yeah, it's live show.

Our next Brooklyn date is going to be the fourth Monday of the month.

We'll remind you to get on the podcast.

Again, thank you, everyone, who came out.

Do you have any Chapo-specific stuff you want to plug rather than our show?

Not really.

We're going to be in D.C.

for the inauguration.

We're not doing a on-night show, but we're definitely going to be hanging out somewhere.

So follow us for stay updated on our DC trip.

Cool.

Wonderland Ballroom, you should line something up there.

That place is Funny Moms.

We can hook you up.

Yeah, we can hook you up.

Venue for Funny Moms.

Oh, cool.

Yeah.

Yeah, they really love me there,

how I never really respond to many emails.

Their Philly cheesesteak egg rolls are fucking amazing.

That's how they are.

The eggplant fries are also different.

Oh, yeah, those are good.

Shout out to eggplant parses.

Also, I saw on Facebook Patton Oswald was there last night doing stand-up.

It's one of my favorite bars in the country.

Wonderland?

Wonderland, yeah.

Chill.

I like it a lot.

I like it out of nostalgia.

Yeah.

Well, it's just got it's like fun.

It's like a very fun bar.

Even when I wasn't there doing comedy, it was like a fun bar to have.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

For sure.

And D.C.

doesn't have a lot of great bars.

Yeah.

Well, that's true.

Yeah, that's true.

It's not bad.

You too.

We're going to do Wonderland and Comet Ping Park.

Comet Ping Pong.

Well, that's a great part.

That's actually a good bar.

That's a great pen bar.

Comet ping pong.

I used to go see shows at, like, when I was in college.

I used to go fuck children.

I used to go see shows there when I was in kindergarten.

It was like a work study program.

You did some stuff within the show.

I can't remember any of the shows.

It was like eight-year-old Vietnamese boy whores firing ping pongs out of their assholes.

Someone told me recently that ping pong is cultural appropriate, uh,

inappropriate.

Really?

It's like saying chop chop.

Appropriative.

Is chopped chop bad?

Yeah, oh, yeah.

Really?

Yeah.

Yeah, you're supposed to say table tennis.

Wait, chop chop is bad?

What's wrong with chopped chop?

I think chop chop is like when the British were, like in China, like chopped chop was like their, it was like what you would say to your like coolie servant.

Or you would chop their dick off.

Yeah.

That's what it meant.

Chop chop or I'll chop your dick off.

A little bit of knowledge is a dangerous thing.

Stop telling stoppies.

I gotta learn more

like a British Raj slang.

They got a lot of good ones.

All right.

Well, yeah,

guys, you just got a free extra 13 minutes.

Cheers, everybody.

You deserve it.

Happy New Year.

Happy New Year.

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