Ep. 33 – Ugh. Wardell

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I'm gay.

I'm gay.

I'm gay.

I'm gay.

Woo!

We're doing a quick level check here.

Hell yes, bitch.

We started the podcast, and then Brandon and Adam both left the room immediately.

Fucking pieces of shit.

There's only one bathroom, so I don't know why they both had to get up.

I think Brandon is sucking off Adam in the bathroom.

What are you doing in my kitchen, Brandon?

I have a little penis.

Wait, it's probably because I'm gay.

Oh, Dreidel, Dreidel.

Oh, no.

Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel.

I sucked you because I'm gay.

I fucked my mom and dad.

I have a little penis.

That's the beauty of Hanukkah, is that if you miss the chance to do the Christmas album, we can do a full Hanukkah.

You have eight more days.

Eight days, eight tracks.

That's like a.

Oh, shit.

The cats are about to fight.

Hopefully they will and kill each other.

Are there any more Hanukkah songs?

Eight days, eight tracks.

It'd be like a good, like, Ted Nugent tour.

Hell yeah, dude.

Ted Nugent, the sex with underage Filipinos tour.

Does he do that?

He did.

He had like a fucking.

I think his wife was like fucking.

He married a 14-year-old, like some kind of exotic Asian.

Well, I don't believe in the government telling him what to do.

Is that libertarian to be a pedophile?

It is, yeah.

It's the most liberal thing you can do.

It's a keep the government out of my bedroom.

You know what I mean?

I'm trying to fuck beautiful Malaysian children.

And I'm not trying to pay taxes on them.

I'm not paying taxes on these little baby condoms I put on him and suck him off.

I want those shits for free.

I believe in small government, but like small children.

Small government.

Penises.

Little ass kids.

Do you think people suck off little kids and get any enjoyment out of that?

Don't they?

Yeah.

Don't they fuck up?

What are you talking about?

Are they doing it for work?

No, but you think pedophiles are.

I don't want to suck off this kid, but I will if I have to.

But a little kid's dick doesn't even get hard.

Yeah, it does.

I mean, it gets like that little.

It gets hard.

But you don't.

There's no.

Don't you remember

his I was like, pre-P-Best interactions?

Right.

Those were kind of the best.

But what are you doing at Flimming?

I was like, you know, you were doing it before I could come.

I remember

I would come soft.

Well,

I don't know if it was necessarily an erection, but I remember at my preschool graduation.

Hell yeah.

I had this, there was this teacher that

I was so into, and I kept moving my legs.

I kept moving my legs on stage because I was looking at her.

You were just beating off with your legs.

But yeah, I don't know if it was just if my dick just felt funny or if I had like a pre-peepass interaction.

No, you wanted to fuck your your teacher, dude.

Yeah.

Um,

I think, anyway, yeah, I think we've discussed kids, little kids' penises.

Nick is sitting at a desk forever home.

Yeah, this is a new come town.

Nick has a laptop and a desk.

Yeah, we're on the.

Well, the desk was already here, and I already had the laptop.

We just have more space in the living room.

The desk has been cleared off.

So I'm trying to sing where I'm a producer now.

So this is the booth.

I can keep an an eye on the levels and stuff, and I don't have to contribute anything.

Well, we can talk about a little bit of it.

I made a smoothie, and now I don't...

Do I need a straw?

I just chug my shit straight out the board.

You can't.

There's too much.

It's too frothy.

What did you put in there, dude?

Ginger, apples, lemon.

Look at this.

Look how

long straw.

It's thick in the cup.

I don't like that, dude.

That's a bad combo.

I go kale, spinach, tomatoes, carrots, apple.

How much water do you put in there?

I put a a nice amount of almond milk in there.

Yeah, I put almond milk.

I put a cup of water and some orange juice.

Come on.

I don't have almond milk.

Get some almond milk.

I'm going to make my own with the Vitamix.

No, you can only make almond butter with it.

You can make almond milk with it.

I don't think so.

You're really excited about the Vitamix in the group text.

Yeah.

Vitamix is good, dude.

Yeah.

That's that good shit.

I'm a new man since that Vitamix, dude.

Jesus Christ.

These cats just almost fucking assaulted Brandon.

What if they fucked Brandon's face up?

What if the cats fucked Brandon's face up?

I wouldn't call the hospital.

That's libertarian, too.

You can't have a hospital.

They're going to throw up on me this.

Maybe you're the one.

I like know it.

What's that?

Maybe some about Brandon's

cats.

You're so beta that the cats give me.

I'm like the opposite of a cat whisperer where like cats just like fucking cuck me.

Yeah.

Well, I see cuckoo.

Got my cats in the garage.

Yeah, hell yeah, dude.

We're maring.

What's the soap?

Fucking.

I fucking hate going to the post office.

Why don't we get started?

What does he say for adamandeve.com?

I fucking hate having sex.

That's why I get dildos to shoving my ass.

You know, listen, Barack Obama.

Thank you for doing the show, but I got to get something off my fucking chest.

He cut off the Obama interview to plug dildos.

He was like,

I'm sorry, Mr.

President.

Put that in your ass.

Pow, I just shit my pants.

Thanks for coming on the show, President Obama.

Can I make coffee in the Vitamix?

I don't think so.

What if you put the whole beans in there, you grind them up, then you put water in, then you put it on soup, and then it's the entire process.

Yeah, but then the beans.

You wouldn't be able to filter out the beans unless you poured all of it into a coffee filter.

You just drink the motherfucking beans, yeah.

Then you just do it, yeah, then you do a pour over on top of it.

Ooh, you pour it over the cup.

That's not a case boil.

What's that?

No, it doesn't boil.

It'll boil.

It'll boil, it'll get hot as shit, dude.

How does it do that?

It's just so fast.

It's friction.

Exactly, dude.

So fucking fast.

Yeah, don't lean that against my TV, please.

Don't lean against my TV.

Don't get that fucking shit off my TV.

There.

Woo!

Yo.

God damn it.

You immediately come over and fuck up my purchases.

Disrespect my expenditures.

Your TV

now.

Seriously, just look at me right now.

Look at the amount of money I've wasted.

I've surrounded myself with.

What is this?

Like $2,000?

This is a $500 blender.

How much is the TV?

$1,000.

Pretty soon, Nick's gonna be on the fucking deck of the Starship Enterprise with all your gizbos I'm gonna Skype myself into the show from that that uh Titanic remake that they made that India made did you see that no some not India but some Indian country and I know that sounds racist how's that what you

know what I mean a country that's you know it's not India but it's it's India South Sri Lanka

well one of these countries they like they're like we have to make another Titanic.

And they like remade, they made it completely to spec.

They remade the Titanic.

Wait, oh, the boat.

And it's like launching next year.

What?

Yeah.

Well, I mean, I guess they'll have fucking...

But you got to imagine, because that movie has to do really well internationally because it's such a bullshit accessible story.

Right.

And this, you know, it's not like a great script, so it translates easy.

It's too much to think about.

It's like, you know, the poor guy gets to fuck the rich woman.

Yeah, which is awesome.

So I imagine that translated into you know, again, not Indian, but Sherpa Indian or whatever, yeah, yeah, whichever country.

Maybe it just wasn't India, it's got to be India, dude.

What other country has that kind of scack?

They just spent all their money.

The president of Bangladesh ran on that platform of like, we're gonna remake Titanic people,

we're gonna empty out the fucking treasure, and one lucky poor man gets to fuck my wife, yeah, the richest one.

Well, my wife plays Rose,

the most beautiful woman in Bangladesh, he just likes getting cucked.

This is all just a fucking huge cucks roleplay movie.

I mean, every Judd Appetow movie is like Paul Rudd fucking Judd Appetow's wife.

Judd Appetow is just like, hey, Paul Rudd, can you fuck my wife again?

It's Australian and Chinese.

Oh, interesting.

That sounds like a nice combo.

I don't know where I got Indian.

Being racist and wanting to do the voice.

What's a Chinese-Australian guy?

I'm sure it's all it's got to be nothing but the Arabs that are going on this trip.

Huh?

Oh, yes.

It's only Arabs.

That honestly sounds like Dubai more than anything.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's the kind of dumb shit that they do.

They love to waste their money on dumb things.

Now, back to my Vitamix.

He's a fucking iceberg.

Ice big.

Ice big.

Fucking huge.

No, dude, it's got to be Chinese and Australian.

I fucking hate Titanic.

I hate that whole name.

I love the titties.

I hate that scene in the beginning where he's like.

The titties were nice.

Is it F.

Marie Abraham that's like, he's the guy that's like, this ship is perfect.

Not even God himself could sink it.

I mean, when you look at the camera, this is such a perfect ship

that even in the third act of the movie, nothing bad will happen.

Yeah, that movie fucking sucked, Dick.

I don't know how old.

How old are you?

The lunch table, I remember the lunch.

Yeah, the lunch table in fifth grade.

I like everyone that movie.

Somebody after Titanic came out, they're like, yo, you see Rose's titties?

And she had some beautiful fat titties.

She had some nice ones.

Look, I would have been thrilled to see any titties, but fucking Rose's titties.

Kate Winsley.

I had like the...

My mom had

the two VHS tapes.

And so I would like,

I'd pop one in.

Pop one up.

I'd pop one off.

I'd pop one into my ass.

No, I never,

as we discussed, I didn't jack.

Yeah, Brandon doesn't beat off.

later.

But I would like just, you know, I'd appreciate titties.

So you would just get hard and

touch your dick.

Look at my boner.

You would look at it and suck it.

I'd just wait for it to go away.

I would get hard and I'd slam my boner.

That's how I feel about your career, Brandon.

Just look at it, want it slowly dissipate.

dude.

Just speed, you can speed it up, suck off his career, and it'll go away faster.

How would you suck off my career?

I don't know.

I'm trying to figure that out.

Put your entire mouth around you.

Maybe you're the

maybe you're the dick in this metaphor.

Please expand up this premise for an hour.

All right, I got it.

Hold on.

Maybe we just.

Here's how you suck off.

How do you suck off my career?

We film you sucking us off

and release it as a sex tape one night in Brandon.

Do you know what Brandon's life is like in LA, dude?

It's like he's got the older brother character, Robesman.

Good one, baby, bro.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Good one, baby, bro.

And then he's got a turtle.

He's got a turtle.

Sexual

Drumanji.

Sexual turtle.

Yeah, who's got

a tequila company that he's investing in?

Are we still talking about Titanic?

This is a character in Titanic.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, no, we're talking about Brain and Smoothie.

Yeah!

I started reading a fact about how to remove the foam from my smoothies.

I don't like your new producer setup, dude.

This is like Adam with a computer.

Yeah, it's true.

A computer and a desk.

And a desk.

I'm going to go get my office chair out of the room.

All right, go ahead.

What?

No,

I'm helping.

You are.

Yeah.

What does it say about the foam thing?

What's that?

What does it say about the foam?

It's caused by

insoluble fiber or some shit.

I don't want to fucking learn science.

I just want to drink vegetables so I don't have to fucking make a salad.

I know.

That's absolutely the only reason I eat a fucking damn smoothie.

Yeah.

Dude, you just fucking blend that shit up, never have to eat fucking gross-ass vegetables.

You can just eat bacon and eggs and then drink fucking veggies real quick.

That's what I do every morning.

I have a healthy ass smoothie and then I eat like five strips of bacon.

Are you a smoothie boy?

Oh, fuck yeah, dude.

Dude, you haven't been paying attention to the happenings, dude.

I got a damn Vitamix.

I got one first.

Nick kind of copied me, actually.

I think it's the easiest one.

I had one.

I had one first.

Shut the fuck up.

No, you didn't have one.

Your roommate.

Your roommates had one first.

You had access to one first.

And you never brought it up.

I've never heard you talk about me.

Because I'm not a big braggy pants.

When's the last time you made a smoothie, bitch?

Last time I made a smoothie?

Before I was making a smoothie.

Every time I've been in Adam's apartment, he makes a smoothie.

That's fucking true.

Every fucking time.

I mean, what did he make?

Don't answer, Adam.

What kind of smoothies?

There was like.

Don't look at him.

There was like

it was fucking he took out some like freezer berries.

Yep.

I remember that was in the mix.

This is what you do, guys.

True smoothie head hours.

You go to Costco, you get the frozen fruit.

The big ass bags of frozen fruit.

That's fucking sugar, dude.

You're making sorbet.

I'm making healthy

motherfucking.

No, you add the fruit.

You just add the fruit in for taste.

Yeah, for taste.

You put a bunch of, you know, you should use kale instead of spinach.

I use kale and spinach.

No, you should use just kale rather than spinach.

Why?

Dark leafy greens?

Well, Well, spinach has oxates in it to fuck you up if you eat too much of it.

I'm not eating too much, dude.

I mean, a handful of spinach.

Well, you're going to get fucking oxate poisoning.

No, I don't think fucking spinach poisoning is going to be my issue.

What do you think?

I think a couple other foods are going to be a bit more difficult.

You get spinach poisoning, and then your fucking forearms get huge.

Fuck it.

You only want to fucking skin, ugly wife.

A guy named Bruno fucks your wife all the time.

Your big fat friend keeps trying to get you to buy cheeseburgers for him.

Olive Oil was not hot.

I would have fucked up.

Olive Oil was not hot.

Olive Oil had a big ass fucking thick.

She was not thick.

I'm about to look up Olive Oil right the fuck now.

She looked ugly.

She was skinny as shit.

Have you seen it?

All bodies are beautiful.

Yeah, pull up olive oil.

Have you seen the Robin Williams Robert Altman Popeye?

Yeah, it's a piece of shit.

Have you seen the Elliott Gould Robert Altman Popeye?

Dude, she's got a big-ass feast big ass eye.

It's called One Eye.

Have you seen the Elliott Roger Popeye?

That was my favorite one, dude.

Oh, man.

Shout out to Elliot Roger, bigger.

It would have been so funny if he did it.

Well, it was on R slash Cringe like three days before he killed.

He stabbed all those people.

Is that real?

Yeah, that's.

Regular foodie was talking about watching the Elliott Roger videos before it happened.

Really?

And then being like, oh, no, whoops.

Yikes.

I should have said something.

But I don't know.

The whole R slash Cringe community fucked up on that one.

Really?

Well, you know, because

there's so many Elliott Rodgers online that don't write Elliot Rodgers.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

R.I.P.

Rest in peace, Elliott Rodgers.

R-slash-cringe, like, fell off, though.

I've never gone.

I'm not a big Reddit.

I used to be a real cringe head.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, you were the kind of guy that would shit on Reddit and then just exclusively go to Reddit for entertainment

in the Virginia Virginia days, dude.

Yeah, you used to be.

Remember?

You used to beat to Reddit.

Oh, absolutely.

No, I still do.

There's like so many subreddits that are good.

But except Pornhub gave me a free premium account.

What's Pornhub Premium?

What's that?

What is that?

They have a lot of stuff.

I mean, it's just PornhubPremium.com.

Holy shit, they have more stuff?

Well, it's

all the stuff that they normally have.

No ads.

No ads.

What's your logo?

And then also, like, fucking

real premiums shit.

My username is Sexual Jumanji.

Can I have it?

My avatar is Alex Jones.

Give us the login, bitch.

I'll share my.

Yeah,

hell yeah.

Dude, Brandon just vaulted himself into number one friend of the show.

I vetoed that.

That's not happening.

He's giving us the pornhub, dude.

What's that?

He's giving us his pornhub premium account.

Who gives a shit?

You pay for pornography?

No, I would never pay.

He gave me a free premium account.

But who cares?

What the fuck is the worth of that?

A lot.

What?

What the fuck do you get

out of Pornhub Premium?

Oh, I mean,

I hope you're sponsored by them, and we're fucking up your endorsement right now.

Shitting all over Pornhub Premium.

Why the fuck would you ever want that?

Well, we got some browsers vids, full vids.

You can download all that shit.

Adlock doesn't work on Pornhub.

Like, I've used Pornhub.

Don't use Pornhub.

You have this, like, so.

So

every porn site has ads.

You know what?

It should be.

Paying for pornography and downloading child porn should be the same crime.

You should go to jail for the equal amount of time for doing either one of those things.

I would never pay for.

I would never pay for porn, but I would accept a free premium.

Sure, absolutely.

Do they have, is it kind of like Netflix where they have different providers?

Like you get that good browser shit?

There's some of that.

Okay.

Yeah.

Okay.

You know what I was thinking?

You said that.

There's a lot of premium exclusives.

I love it.

See, Nick,

if you agree, well, don't say anything, but be holding the microphone.

Hold on.

He

agrees.

If you agree, wipe your mouth with a pencil.

He keeps spilling juice everywhere.

I just discovered, I was saying outside, I just discovered this guy.

I was like on

ex-Hamster porn hub or something.

And there's this guy

who does interviews with porn stars at conventions.

It's like this little creepy Italian man who wears suits, and he's like, I'm here with the most beautiful woman in the world, Lisa Ann.

He's like, Isn't she beautiful?

And then they do like a really fucking awkward interview.

Someone, one of the fans, find that guy for me.

He's like a paparazzi, Zaporno paparazzi.

Yeah, he's like a porno, yeah.

Like, like, uh, but he sounds like a beef.

He's me, the Italian affair.

I love beating off.

My favorite thing to do is go to the cafe and have a cappuccine of cheese and beat off.

I gotta find this guy.

Adam, you were talking about Cringe earlier.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's one of like the top videos was that dude losing his virginity to a porn star.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

One sucked.

Do you remember that?

One sucked.

Yeah, one sucked.

But that was on E-Fucked first.

Oh, hell yeah.

E-Fucked.

E-Fucked is the throwback, dude.

That's classic.

That's classic.

This should be, you know, it's fucked up that millennials get

lumped into the same category because there's definitely a generational gap between people that are from the mean internet.

where the internet is.

That was our internet.

That was my internet.

It informed my personality.

Were you on something off of a borderline psychopath?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then this new internet that's like, you're not allowed to hurt anybody's feelings ever.

That's why you log on is to be nice.

It's like, what the fuck are you talking about?

You're using this the completely wrong way.

Dude, the best video I ever saw on EFUCK was this fucking guy.

It was a couple, and it was just like these creepy white people that hired some like black dude to fuck, you know, it was like a cuck.

And the guy, so the black guy's sitting at the edge, at the top of the bed, and the husband, I guess, is fucking his wife, like, to warm her up or whatever.

Yeah.

And so the guy's head,

their head is by the guy's dick, and the guy's fucking his wife.

And he keeps inching closer.

With every pump, he comes closer.

He inches closer to the guy's dick, and he just starts sucking off the black dude who's like waiting to fucking.

He's fucking his wife.

The guy is fucking his wife before the black guy fucks and as he fucks his wife he sucks off the black dude he comes up like fucking coming up for air and starts sucking off like with every pump he gets a little suck off and the guy's eyes are the best it's the best fucking face i've ever seen in my life the guy's just like

it's like the fucking it's like the uh the uh is he like smiling no he's like fucking weirded out he's like he's like oh like he doesn't want to smile

it's like the fucking waka it's like the waka like okay meme like he's making those weird side eye eyes.

He's just getting his dick sucked.

Could you imagine thinking you're going to fuck someone's wife and some guy starts sucking your dick?

The black guy's taking a fist.

Oh, yes.

The black guy.

Yeah.

He's like so not into getting his dick sucked.

It was awesome.

Yeah, dude.

Check out that vid, guys, if you can find it.

It's brought a lot of joy to my life.

My two favorites were on EFUCT.

There's one that was like, you know, it's it's two women on a bed and they're shoving eels in their pussies.

Yes.

Electric eels in their pussies.

And then this camera slowly tracks to the side and the shot gets wider.

And then it just, this guy from the edge of the frame comes in and he's got like a blowfish and he's just fucking it in the mouth.

And slowly is just standing next to the women and he's like shoving this dumbfish's head over his dick.

And it's inflating because it doesn't know what else to do other than to get bigger.

Probably making the experience more pleasurable for the man.

Like, why don't I have spikes on the inside?

I didn't think about this.

I was worried about being eaten and something much worse happened.

That's like a perfect lesson for life, you know?

Absolutely.

We all have our spikes in a lot of ways.

And then what happens?

The IRS comes and they stick their dick in your mouth.

Absolutely.

That's why roller beat.

Cancer or something.

Cancer is that dick going into the blowfish's mouth.

Fuck you.

Oh, and then the second one, my other favorite one, was it was some website where it was like, it was like Glory Hole Surprise or something.

A guy would be like, you know.

Wait, what would the surprise be?

Like, what do you think is coming out of that hole?

So it'd be like, you know, a guy that's like, you know, like, all right, let me, let me, you know, he's like, it'd be shot from the girl's side of the glory hole.

And, you know, it'd be a guy like, you know, she's like, pass the money underneath.

And he's like, let me see, like, a titty or something.

So she'll put her titty out the hole.

And then the girl starts sucking the guy's dick.

And then she, like, trades off for like a guy.

But the guy always has a mustache.

So like the guy will like feel like the man's mustache

and then fucking be like, oh, fuck.

Is that real?

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, that's awesome.

Yeah.

Let me see if I can find it.

We should do that.

We should do pranks like that, guys.

Yeah, that's great.

Dude, that's like impractical.

I think impractical jokers.

I think

that's a great impractical joker.

Extremely practical jokers.

Oh, fuck.

Yeah, that Glory Hole Surprise on MTV2.

Yeah.

Rob posted by Rob Deardex.

Glory whole surprise.

What?

It's just him showing those videos and being like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Chanel just giggling for no reason, adding absolutely nothing to the show.

Yeah.

Oh, like,

it's just

that whole show is like Rob being like, oh, man, like, oh,

oh, like, good job falling.

And then you know what I was supposed to be like, that's got to hurt, Rob.

It's just, it's just out my balls.

The TV show literally completely out my balls.

It's out my balls.

I wrote on it for two days one time.

Oh, yeah.

Ridiculous.

It was like.

Do you get any sketches on?

It was, they, like, you like yell out jokes at that.

Like, Andy Haynes, like, hooked me up with it.

And it was like,

I, like, wasn't doing anything that week, and I was like, oh, I want money this week.

Yeah.

Can you

let me in the room?

But yeah, I think Rob Deerdeck didn't like me.

Yeah.

I wonder why, dude.

Yo, I would have just walked in there, fucking kicked.

You and Rob Deerdeck are the same guy, except Rod Deardeck can, like, actually skateboard.

He has one actual talent, and it's misapplied.

And you have zero talents.

He also is a founder

and DC shoes.

Yeah.

Yeah, he's a very good businessman.

Yeah, he's a great businessman.

Now I'm just watching porn.

Yo, I can't find this Italian guy that interviews the porn stars.

I've been looking

at it.

Sounds like another classic Adam Friedland lie.

I can't find it.

Content that doesn't exist.

It's real.

I'm just pitching a sketch.

No.

I'm here with the most beautiful girl in the world.

This is a Spanish porn producer named like Torbe or something.

I can't remember his name, but he's this like chody.

He looks like, he's got like a Ron Jeremy thing going on, but he doesn't have a big dick.

He's just some chody guy, and he like fucks all these high women.

He's like, I make bone.

He's borad?

Yeah, basically.

It's so odd.

Everyone who's not from America is borat.

Yeah, you could just make porn.

People would fucking.

I knew a guy.

I know a guy.

Yeah, where is that?

Where's that smell coming from?

It's the cat shit again.

Where is it?

From the

dude behind you.

Dumbass.

Pick him up, dude.

Suck off the turds.

Well, let's put the cat shit on Brandon.

Show prank.

We're going to treat you like an intern here.

We should get an intern.

We should get an intern that could just go fucking buy smoothie supplies for me.

That would be awesome.

I'm sitting here next to my sweet laser printer.

Yeah, we should get some Jewish girl from Westchester that goes to NYU.

Yeah.

They'll work so hard.

Why don't we just dress you up like a Jewish girl?

I could do it.

I could be Rebecca.

Nah, we can't because she's going to fall in love with me and I'll seduce her.

and forget about it.

Change her name to Jerry.

That means Jerry now.

I used to do a bit like when everyone was fucking catching up.

Yeah, that shit smells so bad.

I used to do a bit when everyone was like, ISIS, the new terrorist group with it.

Now it's licking its own asshole.

Anyway, what were you saying about this?

I used to do a bit where it was like, ISIS, the new terrorist group with great social media presence.

And I was like, yeah, that's all because of Rebecca Goldstein, recent graduate of NYU.

She's like, yeah, I got an internship.

They don't pay me yet, but it's for a startup, and they're growing really fast.

They're called ISIS.

And,

oh, my God, this cat.

Great broadcasting.

Hell yeah, dude.

Do you ever have an internship?

Yeah, I interned at the Peace Corps headquarters in D.C.

when I was in college.

Damn.

And I used to just go through people's...

I was in the Office of Medical Records.

I was just filing, but I'd just read how people got fucked up on the Peace Corps.

Oh, Oh, shit.

And it was pretty sad.

I mean, you know, there was like a lot of

because they really put you out there alone.

You know, you're like in indigenous villages and stuff, like all alone.

And there were a lot of girls that were filing for abortions through workers' comp because they were so lonely out there that they like had sex with like a local guy and then they got pregnant.

Yeah.

And through workers' comp, you get a workers' comp?

I guess so.

They're like, yeah, I guess so.

That's a good deal.

Yeah, dude.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean,

that's.

It seems kind of crazy.

You just get dicked down.

What?

Look, the cat shit literally right behind Brandon.

It didn't even make it to the fucking.

Yeah, just shit on the floor.

Yo, can we please clean this up?

It's like stifling.

We have to wait until the show's over, dude.

Yeah, dude, there's no.

We're in the middle of the show.

You know how unprofessional it would be to get up and go do something else?

In the middle of the show?

Just open the window.

Last time I was here, it ended because

the cat like threw up everyone.

Yeah,

they're pretty terrible cats.

Yeah,

I didn't think you had to deal with like housebreaking cat.

Apparently, yeah, I want a nice little cute cat.

That's what I want.

I want that cute little cat.

My mom's cats are tight as shit, dude.

They just fucking you know, tell him they're literally.

Talk about your dad.

Oh, my dad, yeah.

Christmas break.

He's brought it up before.

Did I?

I don't think I even did.

No, no, no, but to talk more about it.

Like, I, you tweeted about

you put Hercules is gay.

My little brother trolled.

Yeah, we just trolled my fucking father all Christmas.

He was, my little brother tweeted.

Yeah, I tweeted this, but he put Alexander the Great was gay

on Google Translate and played it in Greek.

And my dad was like, what the fuck?

First of all, he doesn't know what Google Translate is.

He has no idea that you can get a computer to read something.

He thinks the computer just hands Greek.

And then he was like, who said that?

He asked my brother who it was.

And then eventually he asked if it was Siri, because I guess he knows what Siri is.

He was like, was that Siri?

Is that what Siri is?

Just makes fun of fucking Greek people.

And then my little brother put...

Then he put

Alexander the Great fucks little boys.

And then he said he had a little penis.

So by that point, I think my father finally got it.

But

yeah, it's fun trolling my fucking dumbass.

my dumbass dad.

He has so much Greek pride for no fucking reason.

Well, he got a lot to be proud of.

Yeah, dude.

He's got a successful son.

That's right.

You know, that's now.

Does he know about podcast?

He has no idea what the podcast is.

He doesn't know about the podcast?

No.

Oh, man.

I wish he was a good idea.

He did come see me at McGooby's, and after years of telling me to quit comedy, he was like, oh, yeah, you could keep doing comedy.

He liked it?

He liked it.

Yeah, yeah.

He thought it was funny?

He thought he left it.

It was funny.

But I don't think he understood half of the shit.

What is this with people's parents telling him to quit comedy?

I guess I was such a fuck-up as a teenager that the one thing I was like, you know, doing something.

They were glad you just weren't setting something up.

He's feeling fire.

My parents literally.

I like,

it was so ridiculous.

They got so mad that they literally said they were going to sue me.

That is the most

Jewish thing.

How the fuck?

That's how you feel.

Are you going to sue me?

Yeah, they said they were going to sue me because

they made a deal with me before undergrad that I would be going to law school.

That's fucking

deal.

I don't know what kind of deal.

I was like, all right.

Okay, sue me, guys.

You sound very, you sound like you're being very reasonable.

We were about to go to law school

when we went to that Drake concert in D.C.

where you got grinded on by a child.

By a child.

Yeah, Adam told the story in Finn, but he fucked a teenager.

Yeah,

we're going to upload it.

It'll be on the premium episode if you want to hear that story.

Yeah, yeah, Adam fucked a teenager.

I did not fuck a teenager.

The premium

live show will go up today, and then this episode will go up tomorrow, I think.

Okay, okay, cool.

And Brandon, you said we have to edit out your set.

Yeah, edit out my set.

Why?

Did you bomb?

No, you didn't.

No, I had like a seven out of ten set that I don't want on the podcast.

Let's just put on the podcast, let's find like a little kid talking about being gay.

And when we introduce Brandon, it'll be like a little bit of a shit.

Make sure that cat doesn't jump up.

Wait, Brandon, are you friends with that kid now?

Look at that cat.

Calling all the basic bitches.

Wait, Lil Anthony?

Yeah, yeah.

You're friends with me.

I know him, yeah.

Dude, that kid rules.

Calling all the basic.

Yeah, calling all the basic bitches.

I remember Brandon sent me this video for WorldStar like four years ago, twerking to the rib twerking.

And the name of the video was like, Seriously, parent yo son.

Oh, yeah, like, father, yo, kid.

Father, yo, kid.

Gay-ass little child twerks to Rihanna's birthday cake.

And this little gay boy is like, well, Anthony being like, hey guys, so I'm wearing my school uniform.

I'm praying to God and I'm a little, you know, he was super Christian.

I'm a boy who loves Jesus and loves to twerk.

So I'm gonna just do a little twerk for Jesus.

And he like plays birthday cake.

That kid rolls.

I mean his other video.

Put your name on.

His other video that.

Have you seen his other video that I was obsessed with?

Brandon showed it to me.

He has like this.

Where he has his leg.

He's like flipping his leg around.

He's on his head.

He's like, calling all the basic bitches.

Calling the basic bitches.

Calling all the basic bitches.

There's a new announcement.

You're basic.

I remember that video.

That video pissed me off.

Obviously.

He sounds like Black Stewart.

Black Stewart from Ed TV.

No, I just, I was, yeah, his voice wasn't.

Oh, no, he's a white kid.

Oh, he's white.

Yeah, he's like a, yeah, he's like a gay white kid.

Yeah, like, who went to like Christian private school and he was doing like twerk videos for God.

Yeah, it rules.

Yeah, he rules.

He's super, he's like, he really, he found his fucking audience.

Where is he?

How old is he now?

He's like 19.

Was he living in LA now?

Is he trying to be a guy?

He lives in LA.

Like, he's friends with Ariana Grande and shit.

No way.

Everybody loves him.

Yeah.

He rules.

Yeah, Lo Anthony is like, he really fucking figured it out.

Good for him.

Fucking Rebecca Black figured it out.

Like she's

around on YouTube.

Yeah.

She's super around.

Brandon's saying all this so that that he thinks in his mind there's hope for himself.

All these gay YouTube stars, all these gay internet children.

Fucking have a YouTube hit.

Yo, you know who's still around and like I'm so happy for?

Danny Trejo.

I saw him in that.

Jesus.

I saw that

Harambe video.

Why wouldn't he be?

You know,

that Harambe video was really big for him.

And you know, he had a great 2016.

He was with some faggot.

Yeah, that's a video.

I don't remember who it was.

Stop.

Don't.

Brandon's here.

Don't say something.

I'm sorry.

Yeah.

Brandon's in the middle.

It's homophobic for starters.

And secondly, you know, he's sitting right there.

Yo, how old is Rebecca Black?

Can I fuck this?

Oh, yeah.

Rebecca Black.

She's over.

It's like very of age.

Nice.

Whatever.

Fuck her.

She's not even attractive.

It's just like an okay-looking girl.

You're just excited at the idea that she was a child at one point.

Yeah, I'm going to beat off to that video.

I'm going to play it in my headphones while I fuck her.

No, I don't know.

I think she had some kind of.

I think I did see a recent picture of her, and I was like, nice.

No, I think she's like a babe now.

Yeah.

See, Nick, Brandon says she's a babe.

You know who's really hot now, guys?

The baby from

Dinosaurs.

I am right here.

I'm the baby.

You gotta fuck me.

I'm the baby.

Suck my penis.

You gotta fuck me.

I'm the baby.

baby.

I'm the baby.

Dude, I felt so bad for that dad, dude.

He used to get the shit beat out of him by that baby.

Yeah.

Like, slap him in the face.

I couldn't tell the difference between that show and Roseanne.

And Roseanne, yeah.

It was like sort of the same thing.

Yeah.

They were the same show.

They looked the same.

Now, the mom wasn't fat and dinosaurs, was she?

Wasn't the whole point that it was Dinosaur Simpsons?

No, it was like Roseanne.

Yeah, that was the point of the show.

Dinosaur Dinosaur Simpson.

The son was dinosaur Bart.

Nah, he was older and cooler than me.

Yeah, he had the same hairstyle as Bart.

Everyone did.

It was the 1990s.

That's what people's hair looked like.

Wasn't he a tricerator?

No, he was a Stegosaurus.

Yeah, he had spiky hair.

Yeah, there was all types of like trans-species type of shit.

You know, yeah, they were fucking sucking.

Well, a lot of there was a lot of that in children's entertainment, and it was because there was so many.

After the huge success of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, they had like 19 different spin-offs.

Or not spin-offs, but not a shark.

They had a shark spin.

Street Sharks.

Street Sharks was good.

Street Sharks was probably the most successful of all the rip-offs, but there was a bunch of them.

Like Biker Mice from Mars was a show that was on Foxbox.

Yeah.

Damn.

Yeah, there was a couple other ones.

Yo, I fucked with Street Sharks.

Yeah.

Basically, like there's three types of children's shows, and they just remake them over and over.

Right.

Yeah.

Like, Japan does that.

Like, Power Rangers,

that's like the one show we have here, but there's like 800 different shows that are basically just Power Rangers in fucking in Japan.

Chaim Saban is the guy that

Saban?

Saban, yeah.

Saban, I always said Sabin.

He's like a big donor to, he was a big donor to Hillary.

They imported it, I guess.

Power Rangers.

But like, there's a Spider-Man was found.

There's a version of Spider-Man.

There's a version of Spider-Man that was shot in Japan in the 1970s.

Oh, I've seen that shit.

It's like hilarious.

But

And then, like, you know, he's doing Spider-Man shit.

Also, it's great because the mask, the eyes are more Chinese.

Yeah, yeah.

Like,

they made him even pointier.

And then, like,

fucking.

So you're watching the intro to the Spider-Man Japanese.

And then all of a sudden, there's like a Gundam.

Spider-Man also has a Gundam.

They fucking couldn't just not put a Gundam in Spider-Man.

That shit is so good.

Italian Spider-Man, that video.

Have you seen that one?

You haven't seen it?

I don't know if it's like fake or if it's because it's too awesome to not be a little tongue-in-cheek, I think.

I saw it briefly, but it's just like some fat guy with a gun and a Spider-Man.

It's pretty good.

He's got like a mustache.

He doesn't even wear the mask half the time.

It's good shit, baby.

Spider-Man Duru.

Spider-Man.

Spider-Man.

Spider-Man.

Spider-Man.

Wow, all the hearts on Brandon's Facebook Live just went away

for the fake

fake Japanese.

They didn't like it.

It's all otakus.

It's all, yeah.

It's all otakus.

And

they're fake Japanese.

That's worse.

That's cultural appropriation.

That's actually.

But that's all they have.

When I make up a language that sounds like Japanese, that's fucking art.

It's an original creation, and it's respectful.

But when you dress, when you decide to go around smelling like shit and clutching your anime body pillow, that's cultural.

If you fuck cartoons, that's cultural appropriation.

Dude, I had a fucking sweet mate that had jade chopsticks.

She was just somebody's sweet mate?

Yeah, in some cases.

This time in London.

Yeah, a flat mate.

Yeah, one of my flatmates.

If you took the lorry down to the uneducated dog, we down to uni.

We went to uni to play footy with the other fucking

shut up.

I won't be fucking talked down to by a fucking

two college dropouts.

Absolutely mental, in it.

I didn't drop out of college.

I just didn't go.

So I didn't fail anything.

High school and college dropout respect.

Yeah, me and Saab finished.

True champion.

You didn't finish.

No, I didn't get my.

And me and Brandon are way more successful than the both of you.

Yeah, how dare you, bitch?

I'm executive vice president of Mullen Media.

I'm the head of the union.

I'm the union boss.

And I mobbed the fuck up, guys.

That was like that last exit to Springfield when Homer imagines himself as the union leader.

And we're like, yeah, and eventually you'll get in with organized crime.

And then he has that fantasy where he's going around as the Don.

He's just giving him donuts.

He's like,

eating the doughnuts.

That's such a fucking good show.

The Simpsons, great show.

Shout out to The Simpsons kids.

You might want to check.

Stop fucking looking at the camera, you goddamn shit.

I'm not looking at anything.

No, you keep looking at your own reflection.

I can't see it.

It's so small.

Periscope.

So you're looking at yourself and doing poses and shit.

Hey, kids.

Hey, kids.

Check out this new dance move I made up.

Nice, man.

I'm going to win.

Oh, hell yeah.

And I'm going to name.

Yikes.

Damn, somebody said,

I wish Stav had a different laugh.

Well, guess what, bitch?

I don't.

Suck my dick and lick my ass.

Hey, Brandon, if you're periscoping our podcast, you're going to have to pay us money.

Yeah.

Did you license this?

Yeah, yeah.

You didn't license this.

I didn't license this.

Nobody agreed.

First of all, you're going to say you're going to nix our ability to upload your set and then you're going to periscope our podcast for free.

Wait.

What's the agreement?

$1,200.

Yeah.

You owe us at least.

You owe us $1,200.

Each.

No, come on.

Don't be ridiculous.

Don't be ridiculous.

Just $400 each.

You know what?

For a friend, $397,

that's fair.

Or you can

just give us all head on camera.

Oh, that's so much easier.

No, because

that would be good.

That's good content.

Yeah, that would be good.

That's randomly good.

Brandon's sucking a dick, and he's like, oh, this is great content.

Dude, you see this?

Sex Jay, get your camera.

This is great content.

Who is that boy that you just fucking heard?

The The fat boy,

Sexual Jumanji.

I don't know who this is.

He's the boy Brandon takes pictures of.

He's a gay kid.

Oh, yeah.

Have you met Sex Jay yet?

We've never met.

We follow each other on Twitter.

You follow each other.

And I love him.

He's hilarious.

Yeah, he fucking rules.

Yeah.

He's a cute little.

He hasn't fucked, right?

He still hasn't fucked.

We got to get that guy to fuck Jack.

Somebody's got to fuck Sexual Jumanji in 2017.

I started.

Well.

Dude, this is great content.

I'm fucking.

Suck him off.

Oh, yeah.

I got to suck off Sex Just

Do it for the culture, dude.

I'm doing this for the culture, dude.

So for all the cumboys out there, Brandon found a fat, adorable virgin in, where, Minnesota or something?

Milwaukee.

Milwaukee.

Did you move him out?

Did you fly him out to L.A.?

I didn't fly him.

We were going to split the cost, me and Robeson.

We were going to fucking fly him out to L.A.

And Robesman was like, good one, baby, bro.

He ended up just buying a ticket to L.A., but he's just some gamer that fucking loves to...

He's a hype beast too.

Oh, yeah, he's a gamer who also like loves like hype wearing bape, yeah, and he's funny, he's funny, he's got funny tweets.

He can, he'll post funny tweets, but yeah, he'll also like complain about like his mom buying the wrong soda, yeah, which is awesome, but that's all part of it, that's all part of what's awesome about him.

Um, yeah, we got if you're a cumboy and you see Sex J, you have to suck his dick, even if he doesn't want you to.

So, that's that's out there, yeah.

Rape Brandon's friend,

cool.

So that's settled.

Oh, yeah.

Remember when you thought that song we were listening to in the car was about rape?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that song was about rape.

Brandon's other friend, his pop-punk LA friend, made a song about raping a passed-out girl.

And they're like, isn't this cool, dude?

It's like pop-punk.

And I'm like, this song's about raping a past-out girl.

How's the song go?

It says, She's too drunk to fuck.

No,

he's like, I only hit her up when I'm taking a break.

What, the Dead Kennedy song?

No.

Like, she's too fucked up to fuck me, and I'm too fucked up to give a fuck.

Yeah,

I think they're like not fucking.

Yeah, that's what I thought, too.

But there's definitely

a meeting up.

But like, yeah, well, I mean, even if it's a song about not fucking,

even if it's a song about not fucking, he should have just read his own lyrics and been like, holy shit, what the fuck am I saying?

Yo, that's yeah.

Um, this, yeah, it's like that's illegal to rape in Hollywood.

I will be your father's.

The chief export is broken psyches from years of

I just wanted to be an actress.

It's all suppressed.

Man, I wish there's an alternate timeline where Brandon is definitely sucking off like some fat Jewish producer for a role.

It's in his alternate timeline.

It's a subconscious.

He actually moved all that shit.

He's the CEO of Viacom.

Yeah.

I just blacked out for four and a half days.

I just got really drunk and blacked out for seven and a half weeks.

Dude, that's a normal thing to happen.

Brandon told me about when he moved to Hollywood, he got off the plane, he had a bindle, like a stick, and a little Johnny appleseed bindle, and a limo pulled up, and an old man was in it, and he's like, you want a career kid?

You're a cute kid.

You want a career kid?

And then

Brandon had a rest of his face.

It was Bob Bodenkirk.

He gave me Bob Bodenkirk.

He gave me a kid.

And Andy Dick.

Oh, yeah.

Brandon fucked Andy Dick also.

Andy Dick licked my ear once at a...

At a festival five years ago.

His ear and then his asshole.

In that order.

And then he fucked him in the ass also.

And that is true.

If it's true, just laugh, Brandon,

or be silent.

Wait,

wait, dude, Brandon, why do you laugh?

See, my ex-girlfriend, like Brandon, when he was a child, used to be hanging out at our apartment, and like

he wouldn't understand the social cues that we were going to sleep.

Like, we would literally be getting into bed, and Brandon would be like, anyway, can I show you this next video on the internet?

And then, like my ex-girlfriend would just be like, Brandon, get the fuck out of our house.

And he'd be like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, sorry, no, no, sorry, no, no, sorry.

Sorry, no.

Sorry.

Please.

No, that's absolutely true.

I mean, yeah, but I just kind of black out.

I just black out everything pre- No, it was cute, dude.

Every negative emotion.

You were way cuter when you were a freak like that.

Now people are saying that they're mad that Sam wasn't on the podcast.

I can't figure out what these fucking people want.

Well we said we just shouldn't have said that you told people that Sam was Sam called Sam called me and he was like, I'm in town.

Let me do the podcast.

And then we tried to

do it.

So you like announced it?

Yeah, well, I started doing the podcast.

We were like, yeah, Sam might come by.

And it just didn't happen.

It didn't work out.

And then people, I said, I was like, oh, we couldn't get Sam on.

And then people were like, you fucking cunt.

You piece of shit.

Because that's how people react to anything.

Yeah.

They're like, what do you mean they made C-3PO's arm red?

I hope George Lucas gets ass cancer.

I'll go see the movie, but I fucking hate him.

Yeah, I'm going to buy $1,000 worth of merchandise.

Yeah, yeah.

So, yeah, I guess people were mad that Sam was even going to be on the show because of the World Peace thing.

Right.

And then I said, then we had Felix on for the Christmas one.

And now people are like, where the fuck is Sam?

Well, yeah, we shouldn't have teased it.

Whatever.

Yeah.

Whatever, dude.

We have very big penises.

Yeah.

I don't know.

We got video content coming soon.

You know,

we promised that.

That's happening.

We're going to figure out a fucking schedule and make that happen.

And then we're going to lose all our fans when they see

how severe my reserved affect and spectrum behavior actually is in real life.

We're going to see how bad our posture is.

Yeah, yeah.

My fucking terrible posture, my inability to control my face.

It's going to be great.

Or maybe they'll think we're cute.

Yeah, they'll think I'm cute.

I'm cute as shit.

Okay.

I'm cute as hell.

Boys.

What's up, girls?

Holler at me if you're trying to fuck.

Dude, this is the

Periscope ruins this.

You think so?

Yeah.

Why?

There's only like three people in it.

How many were in it?

Nice.

What's up?

Brandon shut off the Periscope.

13, 39.

Nice.

Damn.

That's a lot of people.

Yeah, you feel that.

That's good.

That'll drive some of these puppy filters to the podcast.

When we did

the road

Periscope, I don't ever Periscope, but we did one on the road.

And it was like, wow, 27 people.

You and Rob and

me and Adam.

Or me and Stop.

We had to drive down to D.C.

to do, I guess, Sam Morrell shit.

Oh, yes, yes.

What was it?

Just the big hunt with Sam Morrell.

Oh,

huh?

Three all boys?

No, I think Sam took a.

We came back with him, but who gives a fuck?

We just drove down Solo Dolo.

We went to the fucking Amish market.

That was somewhat.

Oh, that was a good fucking day.

Sam, I want Chinese.

I mean, fried chicken.

But actually, I don't.

We had so much fun at that Amish market.

My favorite thing to do at the Amish market is make

elongated eye contact with the Amish girls.

Because they're not allowed to fuck.

So if you just look at them very fuckily, they get really uncomfortable.

Which I know is just harassment, but it's more of an anti-religion thing than anything.

I'm not doing it because I would actually fuck them.

I do it because I like to, you know, fuck up their you want to set them free.

Well, I want to just fuck up their culture.

I love their food, but it's a weird thing that they do.

It is a very weird thing.

And people, they get a pass because they're like old-timey and people think of them like vintage furniture or a vitro or whatever.

But they're human beings with like a weird ideology.

Yeah.

I don't know what they're doing, but I'm sure it's wrong.

Well like we visit their shops, so we're like, oh, it's cute.

Yeah.

They're little novelties.

Yeah.

They're novelty people.

We should try and seduce somebody.

Yeah, I'm sure they all voted for Trump.

Like the

Hasids and the Amish all voted for Trump.

Yeah, the Chasids voted for Trump.

Oh, yeah.

I remember like somebody, oh, oh, it was Darcy posted that thing where it was like, oh, look at this Williamsburg map of voters.

Oh, yeah.

She thought it was hipsters.

Right, but it was only, it was like us, it wasn't all of Williamsburg.

It was just like the

Jewish part.

And she was like,

I can't believe you guys.

Yeah, it's a good thing.

And then one of you was arguing with her.

I don't know if it was.

Yeah.

I don't give a fuck.

I don't give a fuck about politics, dude.

I'm a fucking.

Brandon's a little politics boy now.

Yeah, he's

asked to be on Chapo, which turned out to be the worst episode of that show, by the way.

I don't know if you guys are aware.

I never listened to it.

People were threatening.

It's the most apolitical episode.

And people were threatening to cancel their subscriptions.

Yeah, people were mad at the comments.

But by the time I subscribed to Choppa,

they had deleted all of the comments on Patreon.

But people sent me screenshots on Twitter.

Oh, yeah, there's some people mad at the comments.

People were really mad about our Kurt Metzger episode.

Yeah.

Which was surprising.

Kurt's like

in terms of the intersection of biggest name and guy I'm like good friends with.

That was like

the ace in my sleeve of like, oh, well, we can always have Kurt on, and Kurt's great.

I think Kurt's like the best comic in New York.

And then it was just weird, and we just fucking talked about Russia for like

the Norton thing.

Yeah, the Norton thing.

But Jim's always been, Jim's always been kind of like,

it's weird because he's helped me out a lot, and he's like never been mean, but he's always been sort of icy towards me.

And I don't understand.

What was the Norton?

And I thought that was just how Jim was, but then I did Jim and Sam, and people were like, why is Jim being like, you know, cold to you?

I'm like, I have no fucking idea.

Apparently, Jim was the one that asked for me to be on the show.

Interesting.

And I mean, he gave me the job, but you know, I wrote for his TV show, so, like, I don't.

Maybe he does like, maybe that's maybe that means he likes you.

I don't know.

Yeah, that's like a flirt.

Maybe he wants to kiss you.

Yeah, I don't think it's that.

I think it's.

I think Kurt vouched for me a decent amount, and that got me the job on the show.

And I think I did a good job on the show, but he didn't particularly.

I don't think Jim thinks I'm funny, but I think enough people around him say I'm funny so that Jim's like, all right, I'll help this guy out.

Yeah.

Right, right, right.

But he doesn't give a shit.

Kind of like what I do with Brandon.

You know?

It's a very similar situation where

I understand a lot of people like him.

I personally think he's a shithead.

But I'll let him be on my show and I won't ever look at him.

Yeah, that's what the.

Off-pod, you were trying to get lunch.

What's that?

I'm exposing you.

Hold on, let me pause the recording for a second.

Do not ever bring up how nice I am to you.

Ever once.

I swear to God, I'll fucking kill you.

And we're back.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, that's cute, guys.

I want to get fuff for lunch.

Did you actually stop recording?

Of course not.

You fucking idiot.

Come on, you're crazy, buddy.

Yeah, of course you don't.

You're a fucking horror.

He He barely fucking acting.

It looks like he made me

called acting, you fucking child.

I'm a brilliant

such a clear radio bit.

Pause recording real quick.

All right, Randall.

I'm sorry, dude.

I didn't mean to fucking see that, dude.

But just sometimes, you know, like, off the fucking thing, you're so fucking stupid that, you know, I got to yell at you for the thing.

But anyway, dude, I can't wait for lunch.

Yeah, it's like a.

I can't wait to go out to lunch.

You fucking dumb asshole, man.

All right.

You a fucking idiot, idiot, dude.

It's like, shut up, man.

You fuck up the bit.

And like, people, you have to say to me, turn the thing back on.

No, they get it, dude.

No, they don't.

Dude, they can see it.

They're closing their eyes and they can see it.

Wait, can you?

Theater of the mind.

Can you pause?

I just want to say one more thing.

Can you pause?

Hold on.

Because now I'm considering lunch.

We talked about it.

What are we going to blend for lunch?

Can you pause it once?

Sure.

I love that this thing will never pay for itself.

No.

I'm not going to spend $500 on vegetables in my entire life.

You know, I did spend a lot.

I've been spending a lot of money.

Dude, fruits and vegetables.

I love when people are like, oh, produce is getting expensive.

And it's like, yeah, I order seamless like three times a day.

I can fucking buy groceries.

Anyway, dude, can we?

Look, like an immigrant?

Like some kind of fucking immigrant with a bunch of dead chickens in their kitchen?

No, dude.

I go seamless, breakfast, lunch, second lunch, dinner, night brunch, supper.

I have supper and dinner.

Oh, very continental.

Yeah, is it continental?

I thought that was more of like a plantation thing.

Yeah, so I'm not sure.

Have you got to do Uber Eats yet?

Huh?

Yeah, put in Brandon's code so he can make another million dollars off your fucking losers.

I've got like, I just eat so much free Uber Eats because I've posted my code a bunch of stuff.

Really?

I put it in my bio and I had them show it on MTV once.

Very nice.

It's eats seven.

I mean, we're trying to get sponsor.

Eat fucking shots.

Fuck Brandon, fuck, Brandon, fuck me.

Brand's a bitch, Brandon's a bitch.

I tried to get Flashlight.

I sent an email to their business development.

I was like, yeah, and they were like, oh, yeah, I'll review the information.

And then I guess they saw the name of the podcast and just completely blew me out.

How is that?

Where is that?

Like the one podcast they should be lending their name to?

Yeah, I don't know.

I mean, they sponsored Moon Tower.

Remember?

Adam and Eve, dude.

I don't know.

I'll figure it out.

Put that in your ass.

Dude, you make so much money off sponsorships.

Adam and Eve, cow.

I just shoot my picture.

If you have a top 100 comedy podcast, which we do,

you know, you can get fucking,

you can get like $5,000 an episode.

No.

Yeah.

Really?

Yeah, off live reads and shit.

God damn.

You fucking posted that.

What'd you post?

Jesus.

A picture of Sumner Redstone.

Sumner Redstone.

The guy owner of Viacom.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

And it sucked off Brandon.

Then Brandon sucked off.

He posted a tweet where it says, this is the guy Brandon sucked off when he moved to Hollywood.

And Adam was showing me that Chrissy liked

it.

Yeah, Chrissy was at the show last night.

She's cool as shit.

I'm glad.

Oh, can we talk?

Can we bully Brandon for a minute?

But, of course.

Yeah, she loves us, dude.

Brandon was saying he doesn't want his girlfriend to be friends with us.

No, I never said that.

I want her to be friends with all of us.

She thinks we're.

She loved each and every one of our sets.

She was at the show longer than she was.

No, she didn't.

No, she was the one that didn't want to come to the show.

Well, she came and she loved her.

Why are you putting her on blast?

She eventually came because because of Donald Trump.

Don't put her on blast.

Take it

like a man.

You know, I don't.

Throwing your girl under the bus.

It was her.

It was her.

Throwing your girl under the bus, dude.

You know, I put on for my boys.

Well, Brandon, you know, the thing is, is that

each individual one of us all had sex with her six times.

Yeah.

It's the triple six.

Wait, last night.

Sign of the beast.

Fuck of the beast.

I told her.

I fucked her.

You fucked her when I was in the bathroom of the meatball shop.

The meatball shop.

I repelled the battle.

But you fucked her.

Should this become a metal podcast?

Should we be metal guys?

I feel like that.

They do well.

You're listening to Sign of the Beast Live from Jimmy's Garage.

Today, we're here with the lead vocalist from Dying Retard.

I'm gay!

That's who I'm.

I love Kyle.

Nobody sings like that anymore, dude.

I'm gay.

It's all like grindcore, like growly, like, oh, am I?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

I have sex with my

bodies at the floor.

Hell yeah, let's do it.

Yeah.

Sumner Redstone.

Who invented that?

Who's the first guy to start singing like that?

Oh, wait, are you talking about Sumner Redstone?

I would have sound like a dog that you walk past his yard.

He played Let the Bodies Hit the Floor when he got Brandon to suck him off.

Brandon, he was crying.

He was like, I'm so new to New York, and you made me put on these jean shorts that are riding up my head.

Drowning pool?

Yeah, drowning pool.

You know what's funny?

The lead singer of Disturbed?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, the guy that's like that Jewish guy that's a dude.

Have you heard Hello Darkness Mild Friend by the Disturbed?

No, no, no.

I'm sure.

Real quick, Let the Bodies Hit the Floor just reminded me of that Pruan 2 Forever video.

Which one?

Where he's like, he has a fake fight with his dad.

Oh, that one is so.

His dad is like such an alcoholic, Father John.

Yeah, yeah.

Jesus.

All of the Pruan 2 Forever videos are gone.

I don't know who Pruan 2 is.

He had that.

His big video was like, it's all those people putting poor comments on YouTube.

Get that shit.

What's his name?

Dryman?

David Dryman, the disturbed guy who loves Israel.

Oh, he's a Zionist?

He's a complete Zionist, and he's like,

without the disturbed.

Once you take away his soul patch and all the black leather and the band,

he looks like a fucking actuary.

Yeah, well, what about Jesus?

He should be a real estate lawyer.

Yeah, oh no, I'll kiss.

It's the same situation.

He's just an Israeli guy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, that's what fucking the disturbed guy is.

He's like, if if you criticize Israel, you should be put in jail.

He's like one of these guys.

Well, yeah, that's the opposite band of that is.

Wake up.

Sergio.

What's it called?

Dude, what happened to Israel?

They're really like losing any kind of PR spin that they're doing.

Israel is sad.

This UN thing, this UN thing, nobody is on their side.

It's like Fox News is in their corner and nobody else gives a shit.

Well, yeah, they're now aligning themselves with Trump.

They're going hard with Trump.

Really?

Yeah, which is going to be really confusing for the Pepe.

I don't know how they're going to handle it.

That's the only silver lining of BB now going full alt-right is like, what are the Pepe going to do about it?

Strange bedfellows.

You know, it's strange times we're living in.

Yeah.

So is this.

Can we buy Soda Streams now?

Yeah.

Soda Streams are

the new balance.

What's the Israeli shit?

Sir?

Soda Stream.

Soda Stream.

Okay.

Let's do it.

Well, I just got the Vitamix, so I'm not.

How much is Soda Stream?

It's like $90.

Really?

Yeah.

Whatever.

But yeah, I don't want to talk about that.

We don't talk about that.

Why do you want to talk about it?

About Thrill?

No, but SodaStream.

Oh, no, no.

I don't care about Soda Stream.

Oh, you don't want to talk about Israel?

That's in Yahoo.

No, no, no.

BB?

You're the one that knows.

I asked you specifically.

I brought up the disturbed guy.

Did you see that BB video?

Have you already?

Did you see that BB video?

Hey, guys.

Hey, guys, I'm going to.

I don't want the Palestinians to have any soda.

Guys, I'm going to kill Palestinian children.

I want to shoot rockets with you.

Well, speaking of doing a can crush for Scarlett Johansen,

happy birthday, Scarlett.

Okay, bye-bye.

Oh, look, this is a bus, and it's taking everyone back to Gaza.

Goodbye, boss.

Live from Platherville.

Oh, fuck.

Goddamn.

Nicely done, boys.

Yeah.

Yeah, I don't know anything about Israel now.

It seems like they're fucking up.

They were crazy on Twitter.

Yeah, I used to be an expert on Israel, but not anymore.

Yeah,

me too.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, I was just, I was just.

My thing is.

Dude, I already said, it's like, why even bother you?

My friend, he's an Israeli guy who lives in America who Brandon thought was French.

She's like, this French guy just came up to me and said, Are you a star from Twitter?

And he like tweeted it out.

And I was like, that guy's not French.

Anyway, yo, Brandon, can you do me a favor and pick up that cat turd and put it in your backpack?

He was like, what's with all the Israel stuff on the podcast?

I was like, oh, is it bothering you?

He's like, no, no, it's funny.

But like, you know, the joke Nick made about the small targets and the snipers?

Like, this is true.

He's like, I know Nick was making a joke, but this is true.

This is actually, they do have smoke.

I actually, you know, it's funny.

I kind of have like more respect for Israel now that they just have to be like openly evil about it.

Right, right.

You know, when it's like, if they can't really frame themselves as victims in that situation anymore, they'd be like, just let us genocide these people.

We want to do it.

Okay, there's a couple other things.

One is that Netsan Yahoo is under a corruption investigation in Israel.

Right now, he's trying to deflect.

Second of all, most Israelis are against the settlements, as are most Jews in the world.

He's a hardline right-wing psycho.

I'm not like defending, you know, but like clearly there's a nut job.

But what he's been able to, no, no, what he's been able to do is get.

Spinning like a dreidel over here.

Okay, I'm done.

I'm done.

I'm done.

I'm done.

I'm done.

I don't want to fucking.

What do we talk about?

I don't know, man.

I've been hearing about a two-state solution my entire life.

Two-state solution is.

I'm 87 years old.

Okay.

And it's not going to work.

Okay, babe.

Okay.

It's not going to work.

So

just genocide.

Let's fix it.

You know, I feel the same way about the Native Americans in the United States.

It's like, you know, people are like, well, you know, look at all the oppression people face.

And then, you know, which is real.

But then they say, like, and how we genocided the Native Americans.

And it's like, no, they're still alive.

We're like continuing to oppress them.

Worse than any other

ethnic minority in the United States.

Yeah, right.

It's currently going on.

So it's like, we might as well just, it's like ripping off a band-aid, just get rid of the

killer.

Just kill it.

Just come on.

There's like 500 of them left.

Put them out of their misery.

We'll build a new museum, an even bigger one that's not just in the basement of the fucking bankruptcy office downtown.

They got a brand new museum.

We fucked them so hard.

They all have diabetes and alcohol.

We've just finished the job.

Okay?

We don't have to hear about the sports teams thing anymore.

You get to keep all the names.

They were honoring them.

Yeah.

That's true.

I was saying, too, you know, it's kind of dumb that they complain about the sports team's names because that's like literally the only thing keeping them relevant.

People would forget that Native Americans exist.

If it weren't for the Redskins, come on.

There's better casinos.

Donnie hates him.

I was trying to think of like a group that Donnie didn't like offend.

Yeah, yeah, but you know, a non-white male group.

And I was like, oh, did he say anything about the Native Americans?

And he's like, and then I remembered, yeah, he blames them for the Trump Taj Mahal closing in Atlantic City.

That's awesome.

Yeah.

But the Taj Mahal is also an Indian casino.

It's just the wrong type of of Indian.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, he confused.

He's like, I'm not.

How funny is it that the Taj Mahalists are like, we're going to start an Indian casino?

I just get it wrong.

Oh, we went dot instead of feather.

God fucking damn it, these Indians.

These red engines.

Oh, fuck.

How are you?

We're doing on time over here.

We're done.

So you can stop whenever you're going to be able to do it.

Is it lunchtime?

I was going to go until my new rule is we keep podcasting until I'm done with with my smoothie.

We keep podcasting.

So I've got about

12 hours left.

How long have we done?

An hour and 10.

Ah, fuck it.

Let's stop.

That's a good one.

An hour and five.

Yeah.

All right.

Well, thanks for listening, everyone.

When's our next show, Adam?

Our next show is the fourth Monday of January.

We'll be sure to let you know.

The 23rd.

Yeah.

Me and Stop will be on Legion of Skanks on the 4th.

That's right.

If you want to listen to Legion of Skanks,

reminder that Come Town has bought out Gas Digital.

So

any one of Lewis's shows, if you like Lewis Gomez, if you're a fan of him, make sure to sign up for our premium episodes

if you want Lewis to be able to support his son James.

Because that's the only way Lewis gets paid is if you buy our premium episodes.

Also, we're doing the

mashup show at the stand on the 29th.

If you want to meet a great lineup.

Yeah,

it's a fun show.

It's a really stupid fucking idea.

You have two comics go on stage at the same time, which I think they just stole from Roy Scovel and John Dore.

That was like their bit that they would do on Kono.

Yeah, they did on Kono.

Yeah, so they stole the idea from them.

But then they make comics that aren't good at that go up and do it.

So me and Stav will be going on stage at the same time for some reason.

But we have like a good rapport.

Yeah, we'll be fine.

Yeah, just do that, whatever you're doing right now with your show.

Should be fucking pussies.

Pull my dick out.

I'll do it.

No, we know you'll pull your dick out.

We have a problem with you pulling your stomach out.

I'd rather see your dick.

Also, by the way, like, right before, I remember right before you did the, you started.

Dude, my cat.

Right before you moved out to New York and you, like, did the Instagram.

Remember, like, how into like diet and fitness you were?

You were, like, going so hard.

Yeah, I had a cat.

And then you did, like, the Instagram account.

He's always been into diet and fitness.

What's more so?

He's more like body conscious than anyone I know.

I mean, I'm trying to get back into it.

I'm just trying to fuck.

I just want to feel.

Because

I felt like.

I thought you were done because it's good for your brand now.

Nah, it's just easier.

I just have a real fucking food addiction.

Like, I'll just eat garbage, and it fucking feels better than doing drugs, dude.

Like, I love a nice chicken wing and a fucking fried rice, and then just get a nice coma going.

Finish it off with a fucking Ben and Jerry's.

Watch an episode of Sopranos.

Come on, man.

What's better than that shit?

They really know how to fry up a piece of.

There's one more thing to plug.

Is there another thing to plug?

Yeah, I think I'm on Red Eye at some point.

Earlier.

Oh, yeah.

Again, just thank you for everyone that came out.

Like, the shows are getting better and better.

Shouts out to all the cumbo.

You guys are

animals.

Our fans, you know, they really just.

They did a bunch of big teams.

They unlocked the gates of the

mental institution.

They let our fans out.

And you guys are a real bunch.

And a bunch of fun.

That's crazy.

Oh, also, yeah.

Caroline's live show, February 21st.

Let's just say.

22nd.

22nd?

Yes.

Oh, really?

Yes, it's the Monday.

Did you work that out with Lewis?

No.

Oh.

What do you mean, did I work it out?

With Lewis?

Did you talk to him?

No, because they have something.

I checked the calendar.

They have something else on the 21st.

All right, well, email Lewis.

So never mind.

Actually, you know what?

There might not even be a Carolines Live Show anymore.

So,

you know, don't come to that unless I change my mind.

All right, great.

All right.

Well, that's

bye, everyone.

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