Ep. 32 – Crisis Averted

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It's the Come Town Christmas Spectacular.

It's

it is December.

Shut the fuck up.

Don't interrupt me.

What the fuck is your problem?

That you can't just let me talk.

No, I just start talking.

Immediately, you're going to talk over me.

I did

sound effects.

I don't understand what the fucking problem is that I can't get two words out of my mouth before you immediately start talking about me.

I thought you were done.

Why was I.

I just said one, you know the name of the podcast.

Come Town Christmas.

Shut the fuck up.

Shut up.

Shut the fuck up and wait.

Just count in your head.

Literally count five seconds and

feel how long five seconds of silence probably is to you.

It's okay.

Count it.

Right now?

Yeah.

Count out five seconds in your head.

You see how long this is?

You see how much talking I can do before you've interrupted me?

That's how long it is.

Okay.

That's all it would have taken is fucking is just five seconds to get some kind of context or understanding of where the conversation is going or what's going to.

I could have had a bit prepared.

I don't, but I could have.

I fucking totally could have had a thing I was going into.

I mean, Jesus Christ, dude.

Like, I'm, you know, it's funny because people listen to the show, and I'm the one that gets insulted for being, you know, autistic or whatever or the spectrum.

Which, you know, is probably true.

Yeah, sure.

I probably am, you know, but at least I can understand fucking social cues.

What's your excuse?

You're just rude.

Me?

Yeah, you're just a fucking rude person.

Are you in a bad mood right now?

I'm actually in a pretty good mood because I've decided I'm going to buy PlayStation.

Was that a big movie?

Which was the big announcement that I was, hopefully we could, you know,

get to in a fun way.

Well, no.

Now I've blown the surprise for everybody.

That was the first 20 minutes of the pod.

We were going to tease it.

Yeah.

Going into the first break.

This is the Christmas spectacular.

We've got a couple plugs to do up front.

As longtime listeners know,

I don't like to brag about it, but I am a tier one

black ops operator.

I was a 9-11 first responder.

I was there in the towers seeking out Muslims and terrorists who survived the crash and eliminating them with

close-quarters tactical combat.

And

the thing that keeps my hands warm, you know, while I'm

pulling the life directly out of the lungs and souls of Iraqi children is North Face

E-Tip gloves.

I bought a pair and they're great.

You can still use your phone.

I know

a lot of gloves advertise that you can still use your phone

while you're getting

directions from the Pentagon to a family's house to end their

end that family line

once and for all.

What's What's that?

Has to do with child's blood.

I bring my own blood.

Oh, nice.

Yeah.

There's not enough.

I've gotten so used to killing that the normal amount of blood that comes out of a human being isn't enough for me.

So I have to bring extra blood.

Just to feel something?

Yeah.

Just to get that murdering a child, a Rocky Child rush.

So if you've been listening to Chapo, you probably know that I purchased an enormous TV.

Yeah, this is so tight.

Have you guys been here for the TV?

I have been.

This is my first time.

This is insane.

It's great.

I've been a complete piece of shit the last week.

I've done nothing but sit in front of this TV and watch movies and get into just a real deep fucking depression.

And I really just can't stop thinking about wanting to kill myself.

Nice.

I'm wasting my life or whatever.

And the solution.

But you just keep watching more movies.

You just keep watching them, dude.

You buy all the subscription packages for Amazon, and then each one you're like, oh, oh, I'm going to now I have so much more stuff I can watch, and then you watch one movie and then you s you get, you know, really fucking upset with yourself.

Yeah, oh, yeah.

I've been watching so much Sopranos.

I'm trying to finish it so we can have a Sopranos app.

Yeah, uh, so in the background, we've put on, uh, I already forgot the name of it.

It's a John Travolta movie?

It's a John Travolta.

You know what?

I don't know.

This is probably not a good idea because we had something on.

I just sat here while they did The Last Chapo.

Uh-huh.

And they put on,

I don't know, fucking

like Rumble and the Bronx or something.

I don't know.

I was just watching TV, and then they put stuff on.

So I haven't seen this movie.

I was hoping we could put on something dumb, and then we could maybe laugh at it.

But there's no way I'm going to be able to have a conversation and watch the movie.

And Adam's already not paying attention.

So that's backfired.

I'm not paying attention.

I just wanted to see what happens.

I'm just insulted, personally.

What?

From taking me to task in public.

He hasn't even listened to any of the show.

That's the only place it matters.

No, you're depressed.

You got a big TV.

You're depressed.

You watch TV a lot.

And you just

had staves trying to watch sopranos.

I've been listening to the whole thing.

I'm a great listener.

That's something that people compliment me on, actually, is how good of a listener I am.

No way.

And yeah, and

you just know how to look like you're listening.

When you're thinking about

whatever's going on, you're listening.

You listen to people long.

If it's an attractive woman, you'll listen long enough to figure out where they're from, and then you'll throw out one tidbit about where they're from.

That's true.

I had a good one the other day.

Oh, yeah, no.

I met a girl from Singapore yesterday.

Yeah.

It's illegal to spit there.

And then they go, How do you know that?

I said it's illegal to spit there, and she said that she thinks it's really annoying that that's what everyone brings up when she says

Singapore.

Is it really illegal to spit there?

Yeah, that guy got caned, that kid.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Caned?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He was like an American student in Singapore.

Got caned.

You can't, you just can't, just for spitting.

Yeah, it's like a thing parents say.

Well,

you know, in Singapore, you can get prostitutes.

I've never heard that.

Can't you fuck like prostitute?

Don't people go to Singapore to fuck prostitutes?

Isn't that like kind of like Thailand?

I think all those places they have.

Yeah, I don't know anything about serious.

I think serious iterations of boys.

Thailand sluts.

I think they fucked.

No, Singapore is like an I it's like a city-state.

It's like a really small country.

Is that where Chris Brown got arrested?

Do you know?

Maybe.

For biting?

Maybe the Philippines?

For biting Rihanna?

Yeah.

I don't know if that's illegal in Singapore.

No, that's legal.

I used to get a bunch of hate mail from Singapore for writing that article about China.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Are they Chinese over there?

There's a lot of ethnic Chinese.

There's a lot of ethnic Chinese, a lot of Malays, a lot of.

They got mad at me for writing that thing about Chinese New Year.

Oh, okay.

And they would send me hate mail.

It's like, you will go to jail for this.

Wait, what was the thing he wrote?

It's something about how, like.

Chinese New Year isn't real, right?

Yeah, no, it wasn't that Chinese New Year wasn't real.

It's a Chinese New Year is like a month after regular New Year's.

So I wrote like it was like one of the first things I wrote on Thought Catalog.

It was like, so are we just not going to tell Chinese people that New Year's was a month ago?

And

yeah, weren't like Chinese people threatening to come to Chinese.

Oh yeah.

Oh yeah.

Chinese, the Chinese and waiters are the groups that hate me the fucking most.

Do you still get emails over that waiter article?

Yeah, so many people hate me.

That's true.

It's really true.

Some of them are

in this room right now.

Yeah.

It's one of those things where you can be like, yeah, well, fuck the, if you're not pissing people off, you're not doing something right.

And it's like, well, plenty of people don't piss people off.

Yeah, plenty of people.

Plenty of people have no problem just being likable.

Who said that quote?

What's that?

You're not pissing.

Is that Mother Teresa?

No, it was Darth Vader.

Darth Vader.

Yeah.

He's a bad vader.

Fuck the haters.

If you're not doing, hand me one of those candies.

It's a cookie, dude.

These aren't yours.

This is from my allotment of cookies.

Yeah, I got you your own too, dude.

Yeah, well, I lost mine already.

You didn't lose yours?

These are from Staub's mom.

I put mine.

Shout out to Stav's mom.

She made us some beautiful baked confection.

Shout out to Lil V.

Some Greek.

These are incredible.

The brown ones will suck your cock, dude.

I had some of yours.

They're so fucking good.

Really, really good.

Your mom's nice.

She's the best, dude.

Does your mom know you have a podcast?

Sort of.

And she prepare these for your podcast friends?

No, she just prepared them for my friends.

I didn't tell her that it was my podcast friends.

She doesn't really know what I'm doing.

My mom got both of you guys copies of Norman Finkelstein's books.

Especially you, Adam.

Thank you.

She got you a calculator.

Does it add up to 6 million?

It doesn't.

Functionally, it's changed.

So if you you try to type in 6 million, it's just 150,000?

It just says tops.

It just says six Jewish guys' names.

It's that Mr.

Show sketch.

150,000 is the highest number.

Oh, yeah.

That sounds good, I guess.

I've been laughing about like.

Do your parents know about the podcast?

Yeah, my parents don't really give a shit what I do.

Oh, that's so nice.

Well, I've been like such a fucking disappointment for so long

that it's like, you know,

I don't ask them for money ever you know so you're doing that you're doing it sort of yeah i mean

you know i mean i don't fucking lean on them right so they don't really give a shit when's the last time they really believed in you believed i mean i think they believe in me they just have such low expectations that it's not

you know something i really have to worry about oh that's so great yeah no i have like um i have like stepsisters that like struggle and shit so i'm like kind of close to the bar is low as hell yeah oh that's nice That's great.

So as long as you don't just have like a fucking three kids out of wedlock or some shit.

Yeah, they're not doing that bad.

But I mean, you know, it's just, it's fucking, the economy's shitty.

And if you don't particularly know what the fuck you want to do,

you know, and like none of them can like borrow money from like enough money from my dad and, you know, his wife to like, you know, they can't be like, I need $5,000 to go start my business or whatever.

You know, they can't do that.

So they can just sort of continue living at the apartment.

Damn it, I would love to start a business, dude.

You said, I want to be a fucking, I want to be like a fucking diner.

I literally started a business.

This is a business.

I started the business.

I employ you.

You're incapable of installing.

I'm executive vice president.

That's why I had to do it.

Yeah, well, I'm president of the union.

I'm executive vice president, dude.

We won't have any fucking union that's in here, dude.

Wait, you're anti-I'm a company man.

We'll get a scab in here so quick.

This is bullshit.

I thought we were starting.

Sorry, dude, I sold you out.

Man, I'm just Mr.

Mullen.

You just like

bargaining.

Of course, I do like collecting.

I like doing collecting.

I like collecting, and I like bargaining.

I collect stamps and rare coins, and I bargain.

I say, I give you five cents for that dime.

That dime is worthless.

Trust me, I collect rare coins all the time, pal.

I'm telling you, that dime is worthless.

So I'll give you five cents for it.

That'd be a cool character.

The guy that convinces a Jack Lemon guy that hangs out in the Dunkin' Donuts in Grand Central and convinces people to sell him their change for less than it's worth.

That's a long time.

I tell you, I've seen plenty of quarters in my life.

Now, this one is worth...

Yeah, that's what he do.

I'll give you a dollar for that quarter.

But

these other 10 quarters you have are worthless.

I'll buy them off of you for a nickel.

That's not a bad con, do you?

Yeah, I just do this all day, and

that's what they call me the artist of 42nd Street.

The beautiful artist of 42nd Street.

I've been standing on this corner for 97 years.

I've made almost $400.

I've been out here since 1823.

My father was a shipbuilder.

And my mother was a prostitute.

We should do a fucking three-card Monty game, dude.

Fucking start a scam like that.

Old school shit.

Yeah.

You know?

Or have like a fucking.

What are some cons we could get into?

We could pretend you're lost.

How about why did every homeless person always say they need like a bus ticket to like?

I wish I was a con man so bad, dude.

I could never fucking.

I just

don't know.

I couldn't pull it off.

I would just be too happy about the con.

I'd be too excited to get their money.

Yeah.

I wouldn't be a good enough actor.

Yeah.

Have you ever fell for any cons?

Have I fallen?

ever fallen for any cons?

No, I could see through them immediately.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I've also Seton one time in fucking D.C.

And Seton's not like a dumb guy.

No, he's smart too.

You know, and you'd think he would have a little bit more street smarts than this, but some like fucking bum was like, you want this Dell laptop?

It's 70 bucks.

And it was like a Dell laptop box.

And Seton was like, yeah.

And he like gave the guy 70 bucks.

And then they don't even open.

They take the box all the way back to the venue and they open it up.

It's filled with a bunch of newspapers.

And it was like Seton and I think Andy Haynes and Jay Hastings running down the street.

They're like, have you seen this fucking guy?

Or whatever.

It's like, first of all, don't do anything to that guy if you can.

Get your money back, but don't act like you're going to fucking beat up this homeless guy.

A homeless guy who outsmarted you on a diet of like stale honey buns and

coffee he found.

No, you absolutely deserve to have that happen.

If you get fucking ripped off, you probably deserve it.

By a fucking homeless dude.

Yeah.

By a guy who hasn't slept indoors.

He fucking, he had more critical thinking than you.

Yeah.

I remember one time in Chinatown when I was like 14, we came up to fucking do like a trip, like a, it was like a Greek trip to New York, and all these fucking assholes, there's like a group of, a group of my friends were just like fake, like wait, you were the group of assholes.

I heard Greek chip trip to New York.

Absolutely.

No, no.

But these kids were like the fuck, they were like, they thought they were like real, they just ran their father's diners and they thought they were like drug dealers they acted like they were drug dealers because they had like dads who spoiled them.

Right, right.

So they went to buy fake chains and they all got robbed.

They all got

they're like, all right, follow me into this empty building.

They just followed some fucking guy into a vacant building and they stole $400 from them.

They were all going to buy fake, I think it was G-unit chains at the time.

I think that's what was hot.

And nothing makes me happier than that.

Than just like fucking the shittiest Greek kids getting robbed.

Although I do want a fake chain.

I got fuck on a fake chain.

I didn't fall for it.

I just got fake Yeezys for $13.

That are just the bin Yeezys.

I still sell fake Pokemon cards.

I hang out at middle schools and stuff.

How funny it would be

if I got arrested for doing that?

Like I'm just in the fucking elementary school,

hanging out in the bathroom.

The police show up and they're like, what the fuck are you doing in here?

I'm like, I sell bootleg Pokemon cards.

I'm 30 years old.

This is the only business I've ever known in my life.

Fuck, man.

One time a Chinese lady out haggled me.

I bought a fake Gucci backpack, and she haggled the shit out of me.

I ended up paying like $50 for it.

And it was like, you know, a four-cent backpack.

It's so shitty.

The stitching's bad.

The zippers are bad.

I remember that Gucci backpack.

I still have it.

I'll still rock it.

I used to wear it sometimes.

I love the Gucci backpack.

I just, I wish I would have.

Is Kuji a real brand?

I mean, it is a real brand.

Yeah, it is.

Kucci's like it's supposed to be like Gucci

it's black Gucci yeah they just change the letters around it's like Kobe televisions yeah

it's like boom boxes yeah yeah where it's just the Sony logo that's Kobe yeah

that's great too because it has the Kobe Bryant fucking undertones as well yeah

and Sobey Lifewater you guys ever fuck with that shit

uh yeah I used to get I used to get cases of

Sobey adrenaline from Shopper's Food Warehouse.

You just game?

No, I would stay up on IRC all night.

Hell yeah, dude.

Internet Relay Chat, folks.

What is that?

It's like,

you know, Slack?

Yeah.

Slack is like very similar to what IRC was.

It's like early Slack.

Well, IRC is like the oldest chat platform.

It came out before.

Before AIM?

Before even the World Wide Web.

What?

So, yeah, I think IRC came out in like 1988.

So what part of your life are you using all this IRC shit?

You're like 11 or some shit?

Yeah, in between, I mean, even younger than that, probably like 9 to ⁇ I mean, that's why I am the way I am.

Who are you really talking to?

The first time I saw Goatsy, I was probably like 9 or 10 years old.

Really?

And I remember like turning the computer off and I felt sick or whatever.

I wanted to tell my parents.

And then like two weeks later, you're just sending Goatsy to people.

And you're like, this is hilarious.

This is fucking hilarious.

Imagine how much different your life is if your dad comes in and counsels you in that moment and it's like, it's all right, son.

You have to stop doing this.

You're like a fucking loan officer at a bank.

It happened to my friend Brendan.

He had goes to on his computer because he was

so in the old Internet Explorer, like Internet Explorer 5 or whatever, like, you know, 10, 15 years ago, if you highlighted an image, the way it highlighted an image was every other pixel on the image, it would shift, it would put a blue tint

on the image.

Yes, yes.

So you could take an image and bring it into Photoshop and then figure out

how, like, what makes, you know, whatever shift every other pixel is blue, you can counteract that a certain way or adjust the quality of the image that it like transforms when every other pixel has it.

So he created this image where if you like highlighted, it looked like just a blur, but if you highlighted highlighted it, it became Goatsy.

Oh, that's genius.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was pretty cool.

Wow, it was very good.

Yeah, so he had Goatsy on his computer, and he was like working on that or whatever.

And his dad, his dad went on his computer and found Goatsy, and then they asked him at dinner.

They'd like sit him down.

He's like, looked all sick, and he was like, are you gay?

I told the story before.

That happened to me, too.

My mom found Meat Spin on my computer.

Did I tell you that?

Yeah, my mom was like crying.

She's like, Do you like jacking off the boys?

I was like, What the fuck are you talking about?

She's like, I went on your computer and I saw something.

I'm like, What the fuck did you see on my computer?

And then she was like, It was like a dick going into an ass, and then the other dick was spinning around.

I was like, Oh, meat spin.

I was like, No, you just send that to people.

It's like a, you know, it's like a greeting card.

Yeah, it's like a fun little trick to play on your friends.

Yeah, I've currently, I'm, I got uh unbanned from Facebook for how long?

Six hours?

I know.

I had a 30-day ban for the banana.

And then the ban was lifted.

I posted, there was like an article that was like, you know, saying Bernie would have won his victim blaming or whatever.

And then the article, it was like, white men, you need to shut the fuck up right now.

It's time for white men to shut the fuck up and fuck you.

And if a fucking white man ever fucking, because seriously, it's just, I need literally shaking right now to cry because you don't understand what it's like.

So shut the fuck up.

You know, like one of those articles.

And I was like, yeah, I guess

a great argument for why women should be able to vote.

No, I remember that.

I said something like that, you know, or kill all white women or something.

Or kill all white women.

Yeah, but kill all white women, it's obviously, it's like satirical.

I mean, you can write kill all men on there all day long.

And I'm not even like coming from a place complaining about like a double standard or whatever, but it's like, I'm not even saying kill all white women satirically.

I'm making fun of the like,

kill white women.

You know, I don't know.

So whatever.

But, you know, fine.

If they didn't want to ban me, they banned me.

But then I got back on and I was posting that video at this TV so nice that you can see Christopher Lambert's balls in Fortress.

And I've seen Fortress probably 30 times prior to that.

Really?

Yeah.

Never once noticed Christopher Lambert's fully exposed balls.

Do you think he's fucking or is just dicks sounding?

I think he insists.

I think that weird Belgian piece of shit like insisted on being able to actually fuck

in the movie.

So you think that was him fucking?

I think that was.

I think that was Christopher Lambert fucking.

I mean, why, you know, what are they going to like?

He's like, just make sure everyone can see my balls, but then we're going to figure out a way where my dick is taped to my leg or something.

She might be sitting on top of his dick.

Like, on why would they do that?

Because you haven't seen that in porn sometimes?

Like, fake porns?

I don't know.

You watch all this weird fucking porn for middle schoolers.

You don't watch adult porn.

Sometimes I like to check out a vid where, you know, we've got a new fresh face in the industry, and she doesn't want to do hardcore.

So she'll do

fake.

I don't know, man.

I'm on X videos.

I'm scrolling.

You can get softcore porn online?

I thought you could only get that on TV.

No, you can get softcore.

Check this out, dude.

I added Cinemax to Amazon Prime, so I can, there's softcore on there.

You want to put it on while we're doing the podcast?

No, I don't.

How crazy is it that they still do that?

Playboy.

Playboy doesn't even do pornography.

They don't show boobs anymore.

Yeah.

So Cinemax is like, yeah, we got pornography and the Nick.

It's a good show.

Yeah, it is a good show.

Apparently, I got this other one, Quarry, that's supposed to be real really.

Yeah.

Fuck, man.

But I'm sorry you got banned for showing balls, dude.

Yeah, I know.

But, you know, in the guidelines, it says you're not allowed to show show nudity unless it's for like satirical or humorous purposes.

And it's like, did you think I was like seriously posting Christopher Lambert's balls for people?

That's what it said.

I don't know.

Someone's got a bone to pick with me at Facebook or, you know, online.

Again, people just fucking hate me, man.

Do you think someone's so someone just isn't?

Someone's reporting me, obviously.

Yeah, someone's constantly fucking reporting my shit or whatever.

Which is like, you know, I don't fucking, with the exception of like Seth, I don't like go after people.

I don't.

I really don't fucking, I really don't fucking harass people.

I think that's like mean and shitty to harass specific people.

I might be critical of like a couple, like, you know, a couple of people that have like prominent media careers or whatever, but it's not like I'm like saying go harass these people or whatever.

Right.

And still, it's just, you know, people get literal fucking jokes that they're getting mad at.

Yeah, that is so fun.

Like, exactly.

What non-joking purpose do you post balls for?

Like, it's fucking unbelievable.

Well, even that, like, even when arguments come up or people want to fucking, you know, I'm not even one of the people getting into heated arguments about, you know, shit that pisses people off.

Yeah.

You know,

I don't argue with people.

I mean, I'm just jokes.

I'll make jokes about it.

Jokes that reflect my opinion or whatever.

Or sometimes not even.

But, you know, you're like, bro, we got to shut this guy down.

We got to get him kicked offline.

I just want to have a good time online with my friends.

You still have Twitter.

You'll be able to show balls on Twitter.

I just want to have a good time online with my friends like I used to.

Dude, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Zuckerberg stripped you of that.

It's everybody, man.

So it's permanent ban.

They want me to upload a picture of my ID to get my account back.

And I'm like, I'm not giving you that information.

Why?

I don't know.

So they can send you to jail?

Yeah, probably.

What?

That'd be so funny if Facebook just fucked the Facebook police knocks on this door.

Whatever.

Facebook is washed, dude.

I don't do it anymore.

You don't do Facebook, dude?

No.

A lot of old.

I think you like to see it.

Because my mom and dad are on it, so I can't be a monster like I can't.

My mom's on there fucking just like posting Greek pirated whole movies.

That's shit.

My mom's just like watching Greek soap operas with her friends.

That's what Facebook is.

It's for old people to have fun with their friends online.

Yeah, they have a blast.

Well, I'm old now, I guess.

I would love to just not be on.

I would love to just not have to be on the internet.

Unfortunately, I've completely destroyed any ability for me to ever have any kind of normal job.

There's just absolutely no way ever that I'll ever be able to do anything other than be a piece of shit on the internet.

Yeah.

The quickest background search.

It's just like NIC and just autocompletes into everything you've ever fucking done.

Yeah.

Nick Mullen N-word, Nick Mullen racism.

Yeah.

Nick Mullen Hillary victim blame.

I could go back, dude.

I'm about to go back, be a square, dude.

I couldn't go back.

Yeah, why not?

You really can't.

The goal is hopefully, you know, figure out with comedy and shit to make enough money to invest and then live off your investment money.

But people will find a way to take that away from you, too.

I can't wait to quit my day job and just be able to dress like a boy all the time.

I'm about to start wearing fucking suits.

I am sort of a little little worried, though, that, like, not being able to having to go to work every day and take a shower in the morning and stuff.

Oh, yeah.

I just watched, like, if I don't have that, then like, I'm not going to bathe.

Yeah, I mean, I don't.

The job, the day job I do have that I'll continue to do until they won't let me do it anymore.

I don't have to fucking shower or bathe or do anything.

That's the best part about being one of those truck PAs.

It's like

they don't, like, it's like almost like a relief when they find out you're not trying to work your way up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That you're just like, no, I just want to pay my fucking rent.

Yeah, yeah,

like

Boot Boy.

I remember.

Oh, yeah, Boot Boy is bad.

Our old pal, Boot Boy.

Yeah.

Boot Boy was trying to work his way up.

Of course.

He already worked his way up.

That last job I worked with, you and Nick texts me, like, he's like, I'm coming to pick you up.

But they said, dress like you want a future in the film industry.

Hilarious.

Yeah.

What the fuck do I do?

I remember when I was working with you.

Yeah, it's like, but I don't.

And that's why they're like, dress for the job you have or job you want, not the one you have.

And it's like, yeah, I don't even want this job.

I want to pay my fucking rent and be able to eat food.

So the job I want is no job at all.

So

I dress for the job I want, and that's why I wear a full football uniform wherever I go.

Nice.

That's cool.

It's just going into work looking like a train conductor.

It's like that striped Oshkosh hat.

Choo-choo.

That's my favorite part of Soprano.

Not my favorite.

One of my favorite little details is that Bobby Bacala is a train.

So funny.

Yeah.

So good.

Wearing the fucking hat.

Yeah.

I should rewatch the Sopranos too.

You should, dude.

I'm on season six right now.

I'm excited.

It's the best show.

Maybe I'll do that.

Maybe that'll be my Christmas Hanukkah treat to myself is to sit in front of my TV and just not move for probably two and a half weeks.

Just really start thinking about my life and how I'm almost 30.

And

how even though I'm starting to have success, I just feel fucking worse.

You really do.

That'd be my nice present to myself.

You were happier maybe three months ago when you had little to no success.

You know when the happiest I was in my life?

When I got back to D.C.

and you were homeless.

You were drunk all the time.

Yeah, everything was fucked.

Yeah, that was the best time of my life.

Because there was no limits.

I was fat as shit.

I was unhappy.

I was fucking.

I was like sleeping in my car most of the time.

I was in a failing relationship when the girl was clearly cheating on me.

With your best friend.

With the guy she's married to, dog.

The guy she's traveling the world with.

Yeah.

I could show you.

I remember being in the national Arboretum one day.

Yeah.

And it was like fucking

William.

Yeah, there.

Yeah, yeah.

It was good.

It was like the middle of winter, so everything was fucking dead.

There was nothing to see.

I was just walking around.

It was cold.

And I was extremely hungover.

And I was like, this is the best day of my life.

I had literally nothing to live for.

Yeah, man.

Let's get it.

I mean, like, what?

How do people, how are you,

are people successful?

I don't get it.

What do you mean?

But it makes me feel worse.

Whenever things are fine, then it makes me feel worse.

Well, it's because you have a fucking brain disease.

It doesn't let you.

If your dream is like to write for SNL, you know, whatever.

I feel like within the first week, if that was my dream, within the first week, it would just be my shitty job that I don't give a fuck about.

Yeah.

You know?

Yeah.

I'd like to get there and then I'd be

sad.

That's what happens.

I mean, that's what happens every step of the way.

You have all these dreams.

Even if you sell your own show,

it's not going to be as funny as you want it to be.

Oh, yeah.

And

they're going to take it from you.

Well, even if they don't take it from you, you're never going to be as funny as you want to be.

Right.

You're never going to be as the shit that you like, and you'll never be as good as the shit that you like.

I respect that Woody Allen thing of not, he doesn't watch any of the movies.

Yeah.

Any of the 7,000 movies.

That's actually, that's Woody Harrelson.

Oh, yeah.

Woody Allen.

He hasn't watched Kingpin one time.

It's a good movie.

He should watch it.

It's very funny.

Dude, I watched Indecent Proposal.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Weeks ago.

Holy shit.

What a fucking hilarious movie.

Yeah, it's really funny.

It's the cucking movie.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's about, it should just be called The Cuckmaster, starring Robert Redford as the man who's best at cucking.

He fucking, he's like, let me fuck your wife for a million dollars.

He's like, absolutely not.

No way are you going to fuck my wife.

No way are you going to do it.

And then she's like, I don't know, maybe I can.

He's like,

well, if that's what you want.

Who's not going to fuck Robert Redford?

Honey, if that's what you want, but you better not like it.

Or whatever.

So then, you know, because they have to fuck, she has to fuck Robert Redford to save their house.

Right.

So she fucks Robert Redford, and while they're like off fucking, Woody Harrelson is like, just imagining them fucking, and he's like, Diane!

Like running after the helicopter.

He's just getting his dick sucked.

He's just halfway down this guy's wife's throat.

And he's like, Diane, come back to me.

I still love you.

That movie is also full penetration.

And then, you know, there's like this fucking dramatic music playing, and you're supposed to have all this empathy for this guy who's like, as if the worst thing in the world is that your wife is being, you know, violated by another man's dick.

And it's like, so fucked up.

Like, if you really loved your wife, you wouldn't care.

You know, you wouldn't care that much to the extent where she's like ruined now in your head.

If it's like a consensual thing, it's like, yeah, it's kind of shitty, but it's a fucking million dollars.

Who cares?

It's a million dollars.

I don't want to know that some guy's fucking my wife.

Yeah, but you know, I was like, are you going to make her wear a scarlet?

He had to like see her off and be like, all right, honey,

go have fun sucking off Robert Redford for the next year.

I honestly do it.

I wouldn't fucking care.

Maybe this is a new masculinity thing, but if I really don't care, if I'm seeing someone, if they want to fuck someone.

Yeah, I don't really.

I don't really care.

I don't fucking either.

You don't care if they're fucking someone?

If they want, if they're honest and they want to, who cares?

I really could not give two shits.

Stop.

That's what I say to that.

No, I don't want my girlfriend to fuck people.

That's my stance in general.

Well, Well, you're an alpha.

I am, you're a real man's.

But you're like,

you're like, you're not an alpha, though.

Yeah.

You're like a guy that doesn't fuck a lot, and you have like a complex about it, and that's why you have a problem

with the idea of your fictional girlfriend fucking somebody else.

No, I'm alpha.

The girlfriend that you can't have.

I'm pretty sure I'm alpha.

I'm pretty sure I'm an alpha.

And if anybody tries to fuck my fictional girlfriend, I'll fuck them up and then fuck their girlfriend.

Is it type alpha male, type 2 diabetes?

Y'all got alpha diabetes?

Yeah, I got that good stuff fucking Tony Sopranos got.

Yeah, that's the kind of diabetes I got, dude.

I've been watching so much Sopranos that I've just been yelling at people for no like I've been thinking you forget his blood type is au juice

O juice

French, but yeah, yeah, au jus yeah it's instead of like type O blood yeah yeah yeah it's au jus a little bit positive yeah yeah no it's not too much of a stress give me me a minute.

I can do a better one.

Keep talking.

I'll think about it.

All right.

Yeah.

But yeah, when you watch the Sopranos, you're just like, you flip the.

Oh, like some cocksucker, dude.

I text you guys about it.

I went to some, I went, I was supposed to do some.

Some guy just messaged me at, like, on Facebook and booked me for a show, and it was a bringer.

And I was like, dude, I'm not doing a bringer.

Like, I'm just not bringing anybody to do a show.

And I get there, and he's like,

he's like.

How about this?

Blood type Mayo positive.

Yeah.

I like Oju.

It was just the pronunciation.

I don't know how to never said that word.

And you know what?

The only time I've ever had it is at Arby's.

Right.

Yeah, with the dip sandwich.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah,

I've never eaten Arby's in my life.

It's good.

Really, it's good.

Arby's is very underage.

It's much better than people think it is.

Why is that the go-to joke?

Because

the Simpsons joke, when they're on the bottom of the people, fucking retards.

I'm so hungry, I could eat an Arby's.

And everyone's like, wow.

Yeah, that became like the fucking.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What's the worst fast food place?

Jack in the Box.

They're all very good.

Jack in the Box is pretty good.

Yeah.

I've never been to Jack in the Box.

I don't know, man.

Honestly,

this is going to be a hot take, but it's just because they are all pretty good.

But I think Burger King's probably the worst.

Oh, I was saying a few there, actually.

I had a great Burger King the other day.

I'm sure experience.

Everyone was nice.

They treated me.

People like their fries.

I don't think their fries are particularly good.

Roy Rogers has the best fries.

Roy Rogers

gets saved by

how about this?

This is an idea I had for a restaurant, right?

It's like Roy Rogers, same setup, but you go in and you're like, can I get a chicken, bacon, sandwich?

And then the cashier will go, maybe.

Wink at you.

And it's called Coy Rogers.

That's good.

That's pretty good.

I had one where it's like

you go in and you ask for a sandwich, and the guy at

the register is like, he wins last comic standing, but he's not very funny.

And that's called Joe Coy Rogers.

He's from Vegas.

He's a better comic than you are.

I'm not, dude.

I'm an alpha.

He's a better comic than everybody in this room.

Did he have like Joe Coi?

Yeah.

I think he's great.

Does he have eyebrows?

I don't think he has either.

Oh, wait, no.

Am I thinking of Joe Coi?

Am I thinking of who's the other?

Joe Coi lost his eyebrows to Ursula to become a good comic.

That's how it works.

She casts a spell to make him the world's best Filipino comic, but he had to lose all his body.

Damn, dude.

Someone, I was was thinking a Dat Fan.

My mom, he didn't even have anything.

Yeah, I don't know.

I didn't know Joe Coi was on last comic.

No, I was thinking a Dat Fan.

No, Dad Fan was a fan.

Dad fan, definitely.

Although I don't know.

Yeah, Joe Coy is like a Chelsea handler crew squad.

Man, that Dat Fan thing where it's like

Patrice O'Neill

on Tough Crowd, where he just bullies him mercilessly.

It's so fucking good.

Dat fan.

Dead fan.

Yeah.

What was I going to say?

Oh, I was in Vegas, actually.

The reason I know Joe Kois is from Vegas.

My mom's like, your hair looks like shit.

Go get a haircut.

So I went to my mom's hairdresser and she was like, oh, yeah, I cut Joe Koi's hair.

And I was like, he's bald.

You're clearly lying.

I love when people think they met a celebrity and it's clearly not.

Yeah, I was talking about the Wild Boys one time.

Right.

With this girl, this girl in Texas.

This girl in Texas

hang out with.

And this girl just, you know, she was like 24, loved drinking, was a good musician or whatever.

And she was like, Yeah, I was actually like hanging out with the wild boys the other night.

They, like, you know, we all went into the jacuzzi together.

It was like pretty cool.

And I was like, You met fucking Seevo and Chris Bonias?

And she was like, No, I was the other ones.

I was like, So, you didn't meet the Wild Boys.

This bitch just got DP'd by two fucking guys with long hair.

You told her that they were the Wild Boys.

She saw some guy getting

his dick bitten by a raccoon.

He was like, No, I'm a wild boy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then they're a good, a good lie, which I don't endorse this.

You shouldn't lie to pick.

You don't lie ever.

That's part of your autism, right?

I'm just not good at it.

Well, you like tell truths when you shouldn't tell them.

I guess.

I don't know if that's rather lie.

I don't know if that means that I'm not a liar so much as it means I'm just fucking rude and I don't

know when to censor myself.

But yeah, that's like that's it when people are like, remember when people used to say brutal honesty?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

It's like, yeah, yeah, no, that's just, you're just rude.

Being a dickhead is fucking just a cunt.

Yeah.

You make very boring, cliched observations about the

government is actually bad.

It's brutal honesty.

It's brutal.

It's like a metal guitar if God.

That was like a very MySpace comedy bio

sort of thing.

Yeah.

Oh, we should find, we should name, we should search Brutal Honesty.

Is there any way to go through bios and see

how many times Brutal Honesty comes up?

Who's the big MySpace Comedy guy?

Dane Cook?

No, it wasn't Dane Cook.

It was fucking Steve Hofstadter.

Was it Dane Cook?

Yeah, no, it was Steve Hofstadter.

First of all,

you guys weren't on MySpace Comedy.

I was.

I wasn't doing something.

I was for the last gasp of it.

Yeah, no, it was Hofstadter.

You would go to the rankings and he was number one.

You'd be like, who the fuck is Steve Hofstadter?

Yeah.

He was the guy that gamed it somehow.

He was way up in the rankings.

After him, it was Mencia.

Mencia was number two.

People forget how popular Carlos Mencia was.

But Dane Cook did fuck around big time off of MySpace National.

No, what made Dan Cook big was his mom died, and he got like an insurance, life insurance settlement.

And he spent the $40,000 like having paying a web guy to make him a fully featured website with forums and chat rooms.

Yeah, and he built an audience online.

Interesting.

So he'd go do a show and he'd be like, hey, you know, sign up for my forum or whatever.

But he was one of the first comics to have like a big online, you know, sort of thing, which is like, it's crazy now that this is 10 years later and comics still don't understand that that's so much more important than anything else.

Right, right, right.

No one is going to fucking hand you a career in comedy anymore.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Or go to an open mic and discover you.

Right.

Yeah.

No, that's not going to happen.

Or even a bar.

Well, I mean, you should still do open mics and bar shows, but like your goal in doing that should be to meet somebody that's better than you that's going to bring you on the road with them.

You know?

Just get better.

Yeah, because you really, I mean, you're not,

I don't think New York really makes you as much, you know,

helps you grow as much as working the road does.

I mean, comparing the two.

I think I learned a lot more about stand-ups just by being a road feature.

Yeah.

You know?

Well, then you do like, what, like 10 sets a weekend?

You know?

No, not that many.

No, you do six a week.

Six or seven at most.

But you're doing 20, between 20 and 30 minutes.

So it's a lot of 30-minute spots, yeah.

You're talking about, you know, six hours of stage time.

That's invaluable.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

And you can try and fuck.

That's why style shit is popping right now.

Yeah.

But, I mean, the most important thing is, like, because

stand-up comedy, the art of comedy, like what your goal should be, isn't like writing good bits.

I mean, obviously, try to write good bits.

Right.

You know, but the goal isn't to like have just a good joke here or a good joke there.

The art, like what you should be trying to create is the hour.

The hour is what makes something, but it's like good comedy you know you release an album it's going to be an hour long if you ever have any kind of special you should aim for like an hour long special right and the only way to write good hours and have because i i really don't think anything under an hour it really feels like you did anything you know like maybe you can be funny but like how do you get a sense of some of who a comic is without the fucking hour

that's what creates like the personality you know and the and the character but you might be able to do something in a half hour but i know what you're saying it the full the full effect and the full arc.

Well, the half hour is also dampened because it's mostly the feature spot, and the feature is the most forgettable

person on the show.

Right.

So, like, if you get Conan, that's five minutes.

You get Presents, that's 20 minutes.

22 minutes, 22 minutes.

22 minutes.

But you have to do a half hour and I think it gets edited.

Yeah, you can do even more than that.

But yeah, they have to edit it.

And then they edit it for commercials and shit.

Damn.

The real.

Getting to an hour, you have to be on TV like a million times.

Yeah, to work clubs.

But here's what you do.

You start a cum podcast.

You try to get an audience of like, you know, 100,000 people, and then you just book your own fucking tour.

Yeah.

You know?

2017, folks.

Yeah, we're going to do that tour.

We're also going to do the Christmas album sometime this week before Christmas.

Should we do it right after this?

No, you know what?

And it's honestly, it's like you have to use a computer.

I've looked into it.

There's not going to be any way that we can actually do this.

We can do it.

I'm telling you right now, we cannot.

I don't have the shit.

You need to have playback.

I need playback for the background tracks.

I'm going to need to auto-tune it because none of us can sing.

No, it's funnier that way.

Come, come, come, come.

I have like.

You know what?

It's going to sound like it's going to sound like people doing a podcast over fucking, like, an instrumental track.

It won't sound right.

What do you want it to sound like?

Whitney Houston?

It's not going to sound.

It's going to sound like it.

I want it to sound.

No, I want it to at least sound not like, you know,

disjointed and fucking.

Jonah could do this for us.

For sure.

I don't want Jonah to do it.

I want to do it my fucking self.

This is Nick

in a nutshell.

Let's stop examining me.

I'm sorry.

And my personality and just trust me.

We have resources at our disposal.

Whatever.

We don't have to get in an argument.

Jonah was in a famous band.

He was.

The Rolling Stones.

Yep.

Really?

He was Keith Richards and The Rolling Stones?

He was Jonah Richards.

Yeah, Jonah Richards.

Do you know the Rolling Stones are still making music?

Like, who the fuck gives you

all my fucking cookies?

Who can't

shut the fuck up, dude?

I'll give you some of mine.

You better.

I've been counting, actually, on me and Pat.

The Rolling Stones.

He literally had three Browns.

Two.

Three.

Oh, three Browns?

The Browns is a good one.

Yeah.

He had three Browns.

The best one.

You got that Gelt I gave you the other night.

He gave me three Gelts, and I gave them to a girl.

I really did.

I really gave him a Gelt the other night.

Nick and I rest

at a socialism party.

Oh, man, I'm so jealous I missed that.

And then I gave him, I gave a girl's fucking e-commies, dude.

What do you mean?

First of all, you wouldn't have.

Yeah, huh, dude, because you're fucking alpha.

I go in there, they smell my fucking chairman.

You look like

immediately they want to.

You look like

the caricatures of the fat cats.

No,

I'm a union guy.

I'm a strong guy.

New Yorker cartoon.

All you're missing is a Monopoly Man hat.

I'm a blue-collar boy, dude.

Picket boy.

I'm a blue-collar alpha male, and I go in there.

I fucking, all the proletariat whores want to suck me off left and right because they feel that I come from

working.

There's a Bruce Springsteen song about Stav, about how he missed McDonald's breakfast.

It's on Nebraska.

Well, I missed breakfast this morning, and that's all right.

Because there's going to be breakfast tomorrow.

Yeah, dude, I'm the boss.

Exactly.

I've got type 2 diabetes.

I have to wear sweatpants because Levi's doesn't make anything in size 112 waist.

Dude, I honestly don't appreciate how you're coming at me right now as an alpha.

And I'm going to let you know I'm going to knock you the fuck out if you ever fucking.

If my mouth, if your words, my fucking name comes out of your mouth,

I'm going to knock you out, dude.

Don't ever put it out.

Because alpha is my name.

Don't you ever put every inch of my name.

If you just slide my name

into your lovingly caressed name, my name is slidden in and outside of your mouth within the confines of your lips.

If my name ever shall pass, do not.

Do not.

Sir, are you still threatening me?

If you ever insert my name with your soft, supple lips.

If you ever suck my name off

slobbering, you ever slob on my name shall be my name.

My name out your ass.

Why don't you keep your name out my ass?

Keep naming my ass.

ass.

Name my ass something, comedian.

Fuck me right now.

What's my ass's name?

Fuck me in the ass.

I'm a closet at home of Super Scott.

The first time I was told that by we know who said that to me, keep my name out of your mouth, Voldemort.

I wasn't really sure what he was saying.

I was pretty confused.

I was like, well.

It is funny to me.

I heard you had my name in your mouth.

That's like the kind of thing that Martin would say to Tommy.

Yeah.

Keep my name out of your mouth, mouth, Tommy.

Those individuals are from Sinai.

Martin was such a dick to his friends.

Where the fuck did Tommy and Cole hang out with Martin?

That's true.

You just criticize him for being dumb and bald.

And it's like, Martin, you're shorter than him.

Well, Martin was

a big ghost, dude.

A success.

He's like a fucking.

No, he was like a public radio shithead.

Oh, I thought he had the juice from Martin.

Wait, Martin was on NPR?

No, in the show, Martin, he was like a, like a, he's like a local DJ or some shit.

Yeah, but that's big time in a fucking

local DJ.

Isn't Martin in Detroit?

I don't know.

D.C.

I feel bad now.

I know the establishing shops are probably in New York.

In my head, I always thought Martin was in New York, but I wouldn't be surprised if that was wrong.

I think it is Detroit.

I think it is Detroit.

But he's from D.C.

But, dude, a local radio DJ, they got the juice.

Porkchop 92Q.

Pork Chop fucks in Baltimore.

Well, Tommy was a nuclear engineer.

That sentence.

Pork chop fucks fucks in Baltimore.

I thought Tommy was a drug dealer.

Isn't that what everyone says?

Because he never had a job.

Yeah, they're like, yeah, you don't.

Shut up, Tommy.

He's a drug dealer or is a nuclear engineer.

I'd like to think highly of Tommy and not just assume that a black man without a visible job is selling drugs.

Maybe he has some kind of DOD clearance and he can't talk about it.

Yeah, he was a very dapper man.

You know, the style that Tommy wore a lot was like the NBA coach late 90s, which was the

t-shirt under the

suit.

and a t-shirt with a very thin

chain.

Thin chain.

But the t-shirt was nice.

The collar was thicker than a usual

shit.

That's how I'm trying to be in 2017.

2017.

Yeah, yeah.

We need to make our style board for 2017.

It's true.

I mean, our initial goal for this podcast, we still have not accomplished,

which was matching Adidas tracks.

That's true.

And it's what?

New Year's is.

Oh, man.

They got yellow and red at Macy's now.

Oh, fuck.

Fucking we can be ketchup and mustard.

That'd be awesome, dude.

We need them engraved, too.

Or is that stitched?

What's embroidered?

Embroidered.

Yeah.

Engraved.

You guys,

we can't get them embroidered until you come up with a local name for your union.

Because you got to have that on the back.

6969.

Sure.

420.

We could get beat up, though, for being fake, for stealing union.

I want you to say capo on it.

Like a GM.

Yeah,

I'm in in the mafia now.

I wanted to say Capo.

What's Ba?

Don is Capo what?

Capo something.

Capo Regime.

Capo Regime.

Capo Regime is

Don, yeah.

And Capo is a general, right?

A Capo is a captain.

But Capo Regime is the.

Capo Regime is the top one.

That's the boss, dude.

No, that's the Don.

It's Don.

Capo Regime.

No.

Yeah, Capo Regime.

Capo Regime, and then Kinglin's full.

No, no, no, no.

I was looking at this the other day.

We we don't care anymore.

Consigliary is not on the tree, it's to the side because he has a direct line

to the bush.

Yeah, it's capo.

Anyway, I'm going to be capo.

First of all, I can't wait to be in the mafia, dude.

I'm going to change my shit up.

Yo, you got, I mean, you don't need to change much up.

Just like kill someone, killing people and stuff.

It seems tough.

Murdering someone seems like a hard bridge to cross.

I was reading about the Sopranos the other day.

David Chase, like, found out how much the head of a crime family in North Jersey makes and wanted Tony's character to make that much.

So that's how he wrote the show.

He didn't make that much money.

I think he made like one and a half million, two million dollars a year.

He made way more than that.

That's what he said.

Really?

Yeah, yeah.

And I'm surprised he wanted that much money from

so many people had to die.

Stealing garbage truck contracts.

I thought you were about to say that he makes like $150,000 a year.

No, no, no, no.

No, he had that house in north caldwell it's a nice house he was buying yeah but you can have a mortgage on that that's funny no there's no mortgage that's a cash deal i mean quiche quiche um no no i i think they they said it was like two and a half million dollars okay that's not that much but for a boss yeah yeah for and also for like a fucking body count of maybe 150 200 people a year it's also funny for one guy to make that much money it's such a waste of time it's also i love how they'll just kill people in broad daylight and it's just like just walk away Yeah, that's how you deal with that.

That's fucking insane.

I was talking with my friend about it, but like, what it comes down to, I think, with these with the mafia guys is like, I think that they do all these crimes and they kill people and they like run all these rackets because most of their day isn't spent doing crimes, most of their day is hanging out in the back of a strip club or a podcast.

It's hard time.

It's just to have a clubhouse with your friend.

Absolutely.

It's just so they can kill you, you have to kill them.

It's so they can be friends.

So it's like a podcast.

Yeah, it's like a podcast.

Yeah, yeah.

The mafia is we're basically

hating.

I'm like sitting here next to

merchandise.

Am I shitty if I'm a true person?

I fell off the back of a truck.

I'm going to take her trash everywhere.

Some expensive merchandise.

We really do live like mobsters, boys.

Yeah, kind of.

I mean, I got a fucking Vitamix.

I bought a couple big tickets.

I got a giant TV.

I was questioned by the FBI last year.

Everybody's trying to fuck with me on social media.

Oh, also, a lot of people are asking on Twitter this week about me not getting paid by the show.

It's true, I don't get paid by the show.

I'm just glad that I can be here.

Nick's saying that

we could re-examine 2017.

Are you going to say that on the show that we could re-examine

my status?

Well,

you got free agent statuses here.

So you mean free agent.

If another podcast wants to scoop you up, they want to assign you.

Well, you might have to have a lot of money.

I have had some.

No, no, prior to this, you were under contract.

I got

under contract for $0.

He gave me a $0 contract

for a four-year deal.

you said there was a bonus for laughs, but I haven't hit that laugh.

You haven't had one joke go over yet in all the entire times.

I haven't said one yet.

You haven't said one joke that went over.

When I said free agent, I meant free as in we don't pay any money.

Oh, okay.

Agent is also just another word for Jew.

I don't know.

It's just a synonym.

Maybe I get picked up by manager or fucking accountant.

Exactly right.

Well, you know, I'm not a very good Jew if I'm not making any money.

That's right.

Absolutely.

I'm the worst count.

That's absolutely correct.

You know, best entangle with a good Jew.

They would outdo us, they would out-negotiate us, dude.

A good Jew would be getting all the money while we're over here like Adams.

That'd be great if we wrote a sketch and then we go into Adam's apartment in the sketch and it's just filled with menorahs.

Just to the brim.

Oh, what's up, guys?

The closet's yarmicas.

It's just nothing but fucking yarmulkas come out.

Yeah.

And Greek, like Stav's house is just a bathroom.

Just a big bathtub

filled with little boys.

It's a bathtub with 35 boys in it.

Oh, hell yeah, dude.

As long as they're feeding me grapes, dude.

Yeah.

Well, Greeks' colors are the bathroom colors.

Blue and white.

Blue and white.

They love the bathroom.

Yeah.

Hell yeah, dude.

Is that bathroom colors?

Blue?

Yeah, it is.

Look at the koala care station.

Yeah, it's just

a Greek flag, basically.

Koala, also a Greek animal.

That's true.

Not Australia.

That's right.

What's Australia?

No, I said koalas are are not Australian.

The Greeks brought them there.

What's Australia?

Australia.

Okay, so there is...

Okay.

South of East Asia, there's like this island, right?

But it's so fucking big that it's a continuous.

This dude thinks he's so smart.

Okay.

You've heard of Australia.

Now you're going to fucking talk down to us.

Yeah, tell us about Asia.

You're saying shit like southeast?

Yeah.

We didn't ask you about directions.

I'm just saying, imagine

Abby, that's a fucking continent.

Imagine Africa.

And that's every continent.

No, no.

That's every continent.

Every continent is an island, dude.

Imagine it called Australia.

Meeting someone that legitimately didn't know Australia and how excited he would be to tell them that he knows about Australia.

Well, first of all, I would adjust my classes.

He'd be standing at that bus stop for four and a half days and be like, yeah, no, it's got a pouch.

No, it's actually

the baby comes out and crawls its way into the pouch.

Okay, so England at a certain point took all of their whores and criminals, right?

And then they sent them down to this island.

Sounds like my kind of place.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, they got a whores over there?

Yeah, yeah.

It was like a.

That's why the Dundalk accent is so similar to an Australian accent.

It's true.

They are the descendants of.

Dan Under.

It used to be Dundalk.

Dan Dalk.

Dundalk down under.

There you go.

Dundalk under.

Dundalk was actually founded by a group.

How weird would it be

if there was just

from Australia?

For some reason, indigenous marsupials in Dundalk.

But they just also had kangaroos and shit for some reason.

You're like, yeah, I like them because

they look like me.

They're very bottom-heavy

from all the fried chicken.

You know, they eat nothing but chicken boxes, so they got a very bottom.

They got your pouch.

I got a pouch.

It's the front of my fucking Jinko cutoff shorts.

I've got a big pocket.

Oh my god, yo.

Yo, a lot of shit, yo.

Yeah, that's the thing.

Yeah, outback steakhouse.

I've been seeing New York girls wearing Jinkos recently.

Oh, really?

Yeah, they're like kind of coming back.

Ironically, I'm stoked for the Jinko shorts where it's like it could be pants, but then it just comes up right above the ankle.

I was never a

big boy.

I was told those are called

style jeans of boyfriends.

Yeah, way to

boyfriends in corn.

Way to not have your pants past the Bechdel desk, you fucking bitch.

You idiot.

You fucking idiot.

How dare those motherfuckers, dude?

Yeah, you should be ashamed of yourself wearing boyfriend pants.

Why don't you wear

proud media job female pants?

Absolutely.

You know?

Yeah.

Woman who pays her own fucking rent by blogging pants.

Yeah.

That's a woman I could respect.

You know, it's always really funny to me is when a girl

calls her boyfriend her partner.

I love that.

He has to just sit there like he's a fan of the girl.

Well, we're from Texas.

It's cool.

This is my life partner.

I'm not gay.

We're cowboys.

I always like to imagine that when

gay people are like, yeah, this is my life partner.

I'd be like, oh, you're from Texas?

You guys are both from Texas with each other?

Howdy.

Yeah, we're both from Texas.

I saw my

friend here are going to be from Texas all night tonight if y'all want to leave us alone.

Texan fellers came over.

They redecorated.

They're wearing all silver and turquoise jewelry.

Man, I put on a.

I don't know how they do it in Texas.

I put on breakfast at Tiffany's the other night.

Oh, yeah.

Holy shit, Mickey Rooney.

I can't

rewatch that.

Dude, Mickey Rooney.

Oh, he's a goal right.

There's videos of him going over to entertain the troops in World War II.

And he would just do that.

He would just go over

to entertain the troops in World War II and act like a bumbling fucking

Japanese guy.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

He had to change it for the troops.

Yeah.

It was a really subtle change.

He had to work really hard to change it from Chinese.

All right, Reef.

Man, you used to be able to have such a killer career.

Beloved entertainer.

Did you see

that?

There was this interview.

He was worse than him, Andy Rooney.

Anybody?

The guy from 60 Minutes?

Yeah.

That's his brother?

No, no.

The Big Brothers.

Also a racist Irish piece of shit.

Oh, yeah.

He's a racist.

The fact that Andy Rooney had a career and all he did was, you know, be like, I go to the bodega and I buy a cookie and it comes wrapped.

And I don't understand that.

I don't want to unwrap the cookie.

I want to eat it.

Why is it coming in a wrapper?

And people are like, this is hilarious.

Wait, people thought it was funny?

That's why he had a cookie.

He was a humorist.

Who's a humorist?

People sit there and fucking laugh at that.

Wow.

Keep that.

That is worse than racism.

This alphabet has too many letters.

Yeah.

Just complaining.

You know who I think was really bad?

Literally, Grind My Gears, the family guy thing.

Yeah, it's Grind My Gears.

You know who I think was really bad?

Jerry Lewis.

Everyone's like, yeah, he was a fucking person.

Oh, yeah,

he would act like a retarded person.

Yeah, he was just a Vine star before Vine.

Yeah, so he would come out on stage and fucking, you know, Dean Martin would stand there and smile, and then Jerry Lewis would cross his eyes and pretend like he was shitting his pants.

And everyone would be like, he's the goofy one, and Dean's the guy that's not funny at all.

So he's funny in comparison because he's acting like a fucking, you know, mongoloid.

Yeah, he got a career off of funny faces.

Yeah, that's why he had to care about kids.

He didn't give a shit about kids in the end because he was just making fun of people with disabilities.

You know about that Holocaust movie.

Yeah, he released some of the footage.

Well, he said he never would.

It's going to come out

because he sold it to the Library of Congress, was it?

Yeah, well, here's the thing.

It probably isn't even worth watching.

Oh, apparently it's a disaster.

I know.

I know it was a disaster and he didn't want to release it, but I mean, it's, you know, every movie Seagal has made

past 1996 has been a fucking disaster, of course.

And those are barely watchable, even though I'm going in expecting them to be fucking shitty.

Horrendous.

I don't even, I don't think this movie is going to have any kind of value to it whatsoever in terms of watching it and getting something out of it.

I tried to watch one of those Crispin Glover movies where he had, like, it's all just people with mental disabilities, and it's unbearable.

You can't watch it.

There's no point to it.

Dude, Jerry Lewis, there is an interview this week with him, the Hollywood reporter, and he was just being a fucking prick

to the interviewer.

And everyone's like, wow, isn't it so cool?

He hates interviews.

It's like, no, he's the funny face guy.

Right, right, right.

Being mean.

Well, also, apparently, he stole that from somebody.

Like, there was some guy from a real delicheck.

He stole it from Retarda people.

No, there was some guy whose thing was being that character, that, uh, that, like, oh, yeah, that guy, yeah, yeah.

And he just, I don't remember his name, but yeah, he just stole his kids.

He stole his essence.

I fuck with

Jerry Lewis' thing.

I fuck with is King of Comedy.

King of Comedy's so good.

And he's good in it, too.

Yeah, because he's playing a fucking prick.

Right.

And he's to be real.

And he's a prick.

De Niro is so funny, too.

De Niro is funny.

Well, apparently

when they were making that movie, because both De Niro and Scorsese embraced method acting, they would fucking call Jerry Lewis a kite to his face on set

because they were like, he's not getting angry enough in this movie.

So they were like, yeah, we're just going to keep calling him a kike and say all this anti-Semitic shit to him.

Yeah, make him angry.

He also had a different different name, the character.

Which is so great because it's probably like he was just sucking, and then they said all that, and they were like, oh, it's to do

method acting.

Someone overheard that.

Which is why we were saying that to him is

because of

the fucking Meisner method.

They couldn't work.

It's not racist to tally

so.

It's because this Strasburg kite, I mean, the Strasbourg guy, fucking,

you know, Lee, whatever.

You know, they didn't work together together until Goodfellas.

Lee Strasberg.

He took 15 years apart.

They fucking.

De Niro and Scorsese.

After that?

It was like so taxing.

Lee Strasberg.

Have you ever seen him act?

No.

Is he bad?

Yeah, not a particularly good actor.

He just came up with a good idea.

He's in the background.

He plays a minor role in...

Is it Strasberg?

Strasberg is a big method guy.

The method guy, yeah, yeah.

I think it's him.

Because there's a couple of them.

There's Meisner, Strasberg,

and then there's like one other that are like the big acting coaches.

But yeah, I think it was Strasberg.

It plays like an old uncle.

Del Close.

Yeah, an old uncle or something in Justice for All, which is a pretty good movie.

Yeah, a good movie.

Yeah.

Which, by the way, is directed by Norman Jewison, who I found out is

not Jewish.

What?

Not Jewish.

Yeah.

Of course, I looked that up.

Yeah, yeah.

Norman Jewison.

Yeah.

I mean, I just assumed he was Jewish because he's a director.

Right.

Yeah.

You know,

right.

No, he's not Jewish.

Adam Goldberg, Hebrew Hammer.

Yeah.

Not Jewish.

What?

Shut up.

Not Jewish.

All right.

Swear to God.

No, you're trolling.

I swear to God.

He's like half Jewish.

He's like...

His dad's Jewish, but he does not consider himself to be Jewish.

That face is Jewish, dude.

I don't know.

Yeah, his last name's Goldberg.

His last name's Goldberg.

He does that shit.

But he's not Jewish on a technicality.

It's not a guy named Norman Jewison.

No, yeah, yeah.

He's Norwegian.

What is he?

Oh, okay.

All right.

Does he look Jewish?

I've never seen him.

He's like an old man.

I always confuse him and

Barry Levinson.

Barry Levinson is Jewish.

Yeah.

Baltimore.

Yeah.

Well, Justice for All is also shot in Baltimore.

Oh, really?

I haven't seen that one.

It's pretty good.

It's Al Pacino as a defense attorney.

And he's trying to get out of his shot.

Oh, I've seen that.

No, no, that is good.

He's trying to get his trans client off, and then she kills herself in prison.

Right.

You're out of order.

You're out of order.

The whole damn system's out of order.

Right, right.

And then he fucks that.

All those movies from the 70s is like the love interest.

I'm a businesswoman.

I've got shoulder pads and size negative.

I've got triple-A breasts and shoulder pads, and I'm taller than Al Pacino.

One of those

professional style.

She smokes cigarettes and she's divorced.

Right.

Have her being divorced meant that she was ruined forever.

And I have raccoon style makeup on.

Yeah.

Being sexy.

The queen of all of them, obviously.

Glenn.

Glenn.

Glenn and Fatal Attraction.

Yeah, she looked like she was dragged through a bush.

It's crazy.

Yeah.

Before that.

You know what calms those businesswomen down is some good dick.

The moral of the story is.

It's just a man dicking them down.

When I was an executive.

Your old roommate had that businesswoman vibe.

Who had?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

She's going to be one of those business women.

She is.

She is.

She told me how much she's making for her first year at the law firm.

And I started laughing, like, not as a bit, like, just laughing in her face.

Yeah.

Yeah.

She was like, yeah, so they raised opening salary to 30%.

And I was like, so how much you make?

And I legitimately expect her to be like $65,000.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She's making $12,000.

$190,000.

Dude, my cousin.

I had lunch with my cousin.

I had lunch with my cousin.

He works in advertising.

I had lunch with him.

cousin.

He's a year, like a year younger than me.

He works in advertising.

I had lunch with him, and I was like, Yeah, it's pretty, you know, my podcast is making like decent money now.

And he's like, Congrats, dude.

That's fucking awesome.

That's fucking brutal, dude.

And I was like, Yeah, you started a new job, right?

He's like, Yeah, it's pretty good.

It's like a smaller company.

I'm like, but it's like a significant raise, right?

He's like, Yeah, I'm making pretty good money.

It's like just shy of 200,000 a year.

And I was like, Holy shit, you know, it's so much money.

And I just feel like a piece of shit, you know, and fucking,

but I like, I see my aunt occasionally.

You know, know, have like lunch and stuff, and she's like always bitching about him, like, borrowing money from her.

Really?

Yeah, he still, like, hits her up.

He's like, can I get like 200 bucks?

Wow.

Yeah, I don't know.

I think.

How's that even possible?

He's probably just using it.

He makes $200,000 a year.

This is a millionaire.

He just still takes money

from his mom.

He's used to getting presents from his mom, dude.

Yeah.

We were never at presents households.

I would get toys to bribe me.

Like, if I had to get a shot or some shit, and I was good.

And he had to get a lot of shots, dude.

I started getting.

If you look at him, he's filled with shots.

I weigh 105 pounds, but this is

all like

that.

It's all testosterone because I am an alpha.

So, actually, it's estrogen because I have too much testosterone in my system.

I'd be too alpha.

I'd fuck everything up.

I've got these breasts from having too much testosterone.

That's why I have them.

You can make fun of my bitch tits, but it's actually from being strong.

It's from being strong.

My genitals

have shrunk like a raisin.

Yeah, they've basically shriveled up.

I've got what looks like a fucking chewed-on swizzle stick.

It's from having more technology.

It's where my dick used to be, and it's from being strong.

It's from, you know,

deadlifts.

I deadlifted my way into an fuckless dick, into an inoperable, fuckless little pigtail dick.

I'm going to get my fucking dick.

Do you see those guys that inject silicone in their dick?

It just has fucking

these dicks, of course.

That's the fucking funny thing.

You can't use your dick.

You You know what your dick looks like?

You know what those dicks look like?

It looks like those things they used to sell at the Discovery Channel store.

There's like a little water tub.

It's like water tubes.

You put your finger in one end.

It's one of those guys.

Yeah, the dick head fluffs up.

You can put your finger in the middle of it.

Yeah, their dick looks like somebody took a grand roll and slammed it against a kitchen counter.

What's the kink where you like things going in your pee hole?

Sounding.

Sounding.

That's what sound off means in the comments.

Sounding off is when you keep shoving things in your dickhole.

Everybody, sound off yeah oh fuck i gotta i gotta i gotta take a shit but we're out of time for this episode oh great yeah we're already well okay sorry guys um our show is on monday the 26th if you're in new york uh come hang out if we got a really good lineup so far uh it's just it's this it's the stars really are going to be shining bright uh on monday night the 26th come on everyone wardo will be there uh brandon wardell our our best friend will be there um and um yeah we have it's gonna be a great show come out to that shit.

Bitch.

Also, watch for me on Red Eye, January 5th or something.

I'm going to tape it on the 5th.

I don't know when it'll be on.

But

don't actually don't.

I'm not proud of any of my appearances on that show.

I'm kind of

now even more nervous about associating with Fox News and shit, especially going on with Gavin and those kind of guys.

But we had fun on Ant's show, I think.

Oh, yeah, I got, yeah, we talked about the porn star.

Yeah, so uh

my wife,

you know, for better or worse.

Hey, you know what?

MSNBC won't put me on TV.

So

Fox News it is.

Well, Saab is doing Maddow actually next week.

Yeah, Rachel Maddow.

He's gonna talk to Rachel.

He's gonna be like, so Rachel, you fucked recently?

Yo, give me some pussy eating tips, Rach.

I know you got them secret dike eating pussy eating tips.

I'm trying to figure those out, you know.

How you do that shit was your tongue, yeah.

Get your tongue going in between all your teeth and shit, and tickle their fucking pussies and we're out of time all right all right thanks bye bros

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