Ep. 31 – The Birthday Bitch

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Is the music picking up?

It is.

Yeah, but it would make it better.

It doesn't matter, guys.

I don't know if the music's picking up on the background or not, but Celebrate is playing.

Celebrations.

Why are we celebrating, Nick?

I heard your complaints about the audio quality the last

couple of episodes.

So, as a special treat, we're doing this one in the basement of Caroline

while music is playing.

And there's some kind of weird resonance on one of the mics

from

a cell phone.

Bitch ass.

Yeah,

it is my birthday.

This is a birthday spectacular.

Hey, happy birthday, Neil.

Happy birthday, bitch.

Thanks.

I'm fucking old now.

Happy birthday, bitch.

I'm fucking oldish.

Happy birthday, bitch.

Adam's still the oldest one on the show.

Really?

How old are you?

I'll forever be the oldest one on the show.

That's how time works.

How old are you, bitch?

I'm 29 years old.

Ooh, look at Neil deGrasse Tyson over here explaining how time works.

Neil deGay Tyson.

Damn.

Neil deKyke Tyson.

He's a Jamaican Jewish guy.

Hey, man.

He's Neil DeKay.

Neil DeKay Tyson.

I live right near the bank.

Oh, fuck.

Good start.

That's the episode.

Great to try.

Happy birthday, Dick.

That was my present to you.

My presentation.

I'm being anti-Semitic to myself.

My present is just not doing the podcast anymore.

I did buy, I bought like one of those 4K TVs today.

You did?

Yeah.

Oh, hell yes.

It was on sale for Black Friday, the one I was looking at, for like 200 off, and it was already pretty cheap because it was last year's model.

Nice.

And

then it went right back up.

And I was like, oh, fuck.

Well, I guess that's the ship sail on that.

And then I Googled it today and it was back down 200 for some reason.

And I was like, damn, girl.

When's it coming in?

Thursday.

White glove delivery.

Nice, dude.

Yeah.

You know what white glove means, right?

What?

It means those piss shit fucking salesmen, the delivery men, aren't allowed to touch my electronics

unless they use a white man's hand.

White motherfucking glove?

You got to buy a PS2 for now, dude.

Eventually, I guess.

I got to.

You know what?

I was helping Norman Hormones Wilkerson move one time.

Yeah, yeah.

Or not move.

He just had to move a bunch of shit in and out of his house.

Him and his wife bought this house and remodeled it themselves.

So they were moving shit in and out of the garage.

And while we were moving, I found this pair of white gloves.

Look very fancy, like white gloves.

And so I put them on, and then I was like just pantomiming, lifting stuff like a mine,

which was initially a very funny bit.

But then after like 20 minutes, I still wasn't helping at all.

I was just, you know, like

pretending to carry stuff.

And they're like, seriously, why are you even fucking here?

If you're just going to keep keep doing that, and then I left the patio door open, they're like, Close that, the cats are going to get out, and then I just pretended to close it, and the cats ran outside, and they just weren't amused.

Lulu thought it was very funny.

Lulu was there, who's that?

His wife?

No, Lulu is part of the uh uh oh, Stanhope's girl,

sort of, yeah, no, no, that's uh what's her name, Bingo, but it Lulu and Isaac.

Her name is Nemo, no, uh, bingo.

Bingo, um,

they were uh

Isaac and Lulu were my first roommates in Austin.

And

they're part of the old Stanhope Panaman crew.

Right.

People that would go out to the gym.

Just go do drugs and shit.

Like, cool.

Is someone smoking a cigar?

Yeah, it smells like a

fucking black and mild.

When you turn 28, you become old and you just smell like cigars and you're racing.

But it smells like the pipe.

Did you guys ever smoke the pipe

brand of Black and Mild that had the wooden tip?

No, but Nick used to smoke pipes in his windowless room in Chinatown.

Dude, I just cleaned out my pipe and I'm going to start smoking it.

Why?

That is fucking disgusting.

You're just sitting in smoke?

Yeah, just smoking

my briarwood pipe.

My English blend tobacco.

Taking showers in a big-ass utility sink in the hallway.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's this old-ass woman that would make soup in that disgusting sink.

A big rectangular sink.

It was always clogged.

You go in there and she's like,

I have no idea what you're saying.

I'm like, we're not going to get anywhere.

I don't know what you're saying.

How many people did live on that floor?

Nine.

Nine?

Nine, yeah.

Nine people occupied it.

I don't know how many people stayed there.

There was somebody I, you know, it's great.

It's like, because I guess the doctor wanted to rent it out to other businesses.

So the first two rooms were like rooms before he gave up and was like, yeah, you could just live here.

You know,

so the first room was another like acupuncture, you know, massage guy.

Uh-huh.

And that guy was great.

I would go bump cigarettes from him.

And he would always be sitting and watching Chinese movies on this shitty little TV while there was like a naked man behind him on a table, like a naked Chinese man, just lying face down with his ass out.

And he would like, just sort of like be like, yes, and then like slowly close the curtain behind him to cover the nude Chinese man.

And be like, can I get a cigarette?

Imagine going to a business where fucking

it's right next to just you in a windowless room smoking a pipe and fucking and like three children.

And for my troll blog career.

Yeah, that was Nicole Mullenhead.

Those were good days.

My favorite thing about that place is that you had a lock on the door, but the door like was basically like shutters.

Like it was like

Venetian blinds kind of.

Like literally, if you wanted to steal Nick's $12.37 worth of possessions, you could just karate chop your way into this room.

And everyone knows what it is.

Well, what's interesting is they built the place with karate.

That's true.

That's the secret to breaking it down, is they karate chopped all that fucking equipment up on the walls.

There was no like fridge or anything, right?

There was just there was a I bought a fridge.

I bought a mini fridge and put it in the

there's no like common fridge, right?

Oh, no.

And then I had to sell that mini fridge on Craigslist.

And some guy like called me at like 2 o'clock, 2:30 in the morning on like a Wednesday, and he's like, you still got that fridge.

Who gets a fridge that bad?

These are real fridge hours.

Oh, fuck, man.

Yeah, well, you've made it now.

You have a 65-inch television.

Yeah.

You're 28 years old.

No one thought this was ever going to happen.

Never thought you'd make it past 25.

Jokes on you.

He's still alive.

He's still alive, bitch.

And he's never going to die.

When you were making fun of retarded kids in high school, in your remedial high school class, which was just a step up above.

I wasn't making fun of retarded kids in high school.

You were laughing at people.

What were you telling that story about?

Some retarded kid eating berries or something.

Oh, yeah.

That wasn't me making fun of them.

I was just observing.

What was that shit again?

You were at fucking, was that in high school or middle school?

It was

high school.

Sorry, I got a weird, I got a phone call from New Hampshire.

So I'm worried.

Liberty or die.

Right.

I'm worried it's some libertarian

going to challenge me to a duel.

That's all they do.

They call people and challenge them to duels.

Fucking,

yeah, no, my friend used to, we had like open lunch, and him and these other guys would sit outside of like the wing of the school that was like a special education school built into the high school.

Right.

And they would like nickname all of the developmentally disabled kids.

And, like, you know, so there was one that was like squirrel boy

and then frog girl.

Oh, God.

They're just different animals.

Yeah, well, there was one kid that they called him like Scary Face or something like that.

He was just like, he was probably Mexican.

I don't remember.

God damn it.

Now they're leaving me voicemails.

Oh.

Hey, Nick, happy birthday.

Not fuck, fuck, fuck my phone.

So I called the phone my monthly time to go through.

I'm reading the transcript.

Wanted to tell you I love you with happy birthday at work safe.

Bye.

Oh, yeah.

I just tweeted out your phone number for people to call you and tell you happy birthday.

Did you really?

No.

That would be really bad.

That would have been a good bit.

It's probably my mom.

That's why there's three fucks.

That's why she said fuck, fuck, fuck my phone.

She's DTF.

Yeah.

No, okay, so these guys,

sorry, I can't deal with

random phone calls after that FBI thing.

I was watching,

when the FBI called me, I was watching The Big Short.

And

the scene where, you know, they're fucking, like, you know, the investigation is growing or whatever.

And then I get a phone call from the fucking FBI.

And this guy, you know what?

I'm just going to play the voicemail.

Who's it?

It's coach from Friday Night Lights, right?

The FBI guy?

No, that was in, he was the FBI guy in Wolf of Wall Street.

Oh, that's Wolf of Wall Street.

Yeah.

I forget Big Short.

Big Short was like the worst Wolf of Wall Street.

Yeah, it's just Wolf of Wall Street, but with nerds.

Yeah.

Guys who fucking bought fucking, like, wasted all their money on rock climbing gyms when they got riches.

They're like fucking whores and shit.

Yeah.

Would you try to see the Kwailus and Prostitutes one?

Honestly, that made...

I want to be a Wall Street guy, dude.

That shit is so cool.

Yeah, it's cool, dude.

You get to be one of those baseball bats.

You throw mails.

I was trying to reach Nick Mullen.

My name is Jim Mahoney.

I'm a special agent with the FBI.

It's Monday,

January 18th, about 4:45.

Just looking for a time to talk to you, ask us some questions in regards to something that we're looking into.

I'll give you a call probably tomorrow or the next day to

see when you're available.

All right.

Talk to you then.

Thanks.

Bye.

What day was that?

It was January 18th.

Wow, 2016.

What a wild ride.

Yeah.

Yeah, no, sorry.

But anytime I get a phone call now from a mysterious number, I'm worried it's going to be that voicemail I got while watching the big short from an FBI agent.

With a mid-Atlantic accent, too, which made it seem even more like a voice.

That guy?

Kind of, yeah.

I thought he was like New York.

I think because I was reported by my uncle or whatever that it went to like probably the Philadelphia

field office.

Yeah.

No, he's like,

oh, I get a chance to talk to you.

If there's any opportunity, I got some questions that I want to ask you.

Did you ever describe that story on the pod?

I've told it on other podcasts.

This is more of, we'd like to keep it loose here.

So let's get back to this story about the scary faces.

Sorry, I keep getting distracted.

No, he was this guy.

I think his name is Edward.

He was like Mexican or something, and he had the most intense Cholo.

Every safety scissors hands?

Yeah, they, yeah.

Oh, fuck, I'm mad that wasn't me.

Fucking, yeah, he had, he had the most intense, like, like, just pissed off, you know, Cholo face.

Did you have the full mustache at like 12?

No, no, but I made friends with him in Spanish class, which was so funny.

Because you're both speaking the same level of Spanish.

And he was like the sweetest guy.

He was like a really nice guy.

He was really into Jan Hammer.

And I remember

talking to him about Jan.

I'm like, that's cool that you're into like.

Sort of a weird thing to be into, but that's cool.

Jan Hammer is very talented.

I don't know Jan Hammer.

I don't know what that is.

Jan Hammer is he was like a synth artist.

He had like a background in like

orchestral music or something.

Yeah, he was a symphony artist that got into producing theme songs for TV shows.

So he did, I think,

John Tesh.

He did Miami Vice.

Oh, hell.

For sure.

He did the theme for Cocaine Cowboys.

Yes.

He did,

I don't think he did Knight Rider, but like, you know,

he scored Miami Vice.

So there's all this shit that's, you know, specifically Janhammer stuff

but he had that scary face and then there was a kid they called re-tank

who I don't even think was disabled because he he had a barbed wire tattoo around his arm and he was like 19 and he fucking he could just drink Bailey's minis of lunch

he could just get drunk during school or whatever

but yeah it was like the first day of spring and there was like a bush behind school me and my friends went to go have a cigarette and they're all out there eating the berries.

What kind of berries were they?

I don't know.

Probably bush.

Probably the kind that resulted in like diarrhea in the classroom.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The teacher has to deal with that.

Just all everybody gets.

All special friends just start diarrhea themselves.

They're fucking poor teachers.

They were all like, I mean, none of them were like seriously fucked up.

It was like a mainstreaming program.

So they were kids that were like, maybe they were dyslexic or something.

That makes this story so much better.

Yeah, yeah.

Going out and eating berries.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Not starting.

Yeah.

They're not fully disabled.

I mean, they were like, you know,

they had like developmental problems.

Right, right.

So there would be a special ed house.

It would be extremely cruel to make fun of them to their face and not, you know,

sort of just snickering from an alley adjacent to the classroom that they used where they tried to learn in defiance of science.

I mean, just the image of them huddled on the, like, I just imagined them not even using their hands, just going mouth first and just sucking berries off the tree.

Like deer.

Exactly.

A couple of white-tailed, uh, white-tailed speds.

I can't bring myself to call actual disabled people the R-word.

I gotcha.

You know, I think so too, yeah.

That feels wrong.

If you're calling uh, you know, a person that I just disagree with that probably suffers from some kind of mental illness, a retard and a harassment campaign online to make their life worse, that's okay.

But if it's a development, it's an actual person with a disability, that's a little cruel.

That's mean.

If it's a blogger that just cares about social issues and they happen to go about it in kind of a hysterical way, by all means, harass that person until they kill themselves.

Despite the fact that they have great intentions and they just want to make the world a better place.

Someone's playing piano now, which is hilarious.

I wish I knew how to play piano, dude.

Dude, I have no good talents.

I'm just thinking about this.

One of my best friends growing up turned out to be like a

PhD in fluid dynamics, and he goes around the world lecturing.

He's like an extremely smart guy.

And I think it's because he learned piano and I didn't.

And that's it, dude.

Yeah, as a kid, he only learned piano, and that made him smart.

Whereas I didn't.

I think it does make you smart.

I was too busy being awful at dodgeball.

I was so fucking bad at dodgeball.

You know, it's funny when they made dodgeball illegal.

I'm like, like, oh, these fucking pussy kids.

And then secretly I was like, thank you.

Thank you.

You just bad at the door?

You can't play anymore?

Yeah, I was terrible at dodgeball.

Every ball I threw got caught.

I would always get fucking dinged.

I'd jam my fingers.

I was terrible at dodgeball.

I could whip the damn dodgeball around.

I was pretty good and pretty agile.

Actually, I used to be like one of those asshole kids that just hit in the back until other people were out.

So you were bad at dodgeball.

I would go right up to it.

I would go right up to him.

And then I'd i'd come down i had a very like saving private ryan attitude towards i was a front lines guy yeah no i was a charge and then get somebody out quick as fuck i was i would definitely i would definitely be like a purple heart medal of honor kind of guy in the way not not so much like a silver star i'd be one of the guys that they name a bridge after because i'm such a hero but bad at shooting

oh fuck i used to love deflecting the ball with the ball yeah that's just that's the coolest fuck dude let's play dodgeball me and my friends used to uh go to this parking garage and play at night when we were in our late teens.

We could probably get a fucking nice crew of people playing dodgeball.

It was actually pretty cool.

The cops came by one time

and he was like, they were like, what the fuck are you guys doing?

And this, you know,

they saw we had all the balls and shit.

And they were like, oh, you guys are just playing dodgeball?

And they were like, yeah.

And they were like, all right, yeah, sure.

We're not going to do anything about this.

I was like the one-time cops.

You know what's funny?

I love when people are like, hey, that cop was actually really fucking cool.

And what they mean is like, wow, that cop didn't rape me.

That cop wasn't a complete asshole like they usually are.

No.

So being a good cop just means you

have the courtesy level of a normal human copy.

Just a guy behind you at the grocery store.

Yeah, right.

Exactly.

Oh, fuck.

Yeah.

One time me and my friend Tommy were driving onto an off-ramp of the freeway, like completely stoned by a lit joint.

We got pulled over.

And I just told the cop,

we're trying to meet my family at PF Chang.

That was the first thing that came to my mind.

He was like, well, you're going to want to go down that way.

PF Chang's on Charleston.

God damn, man.

Stunk of weed.

What a fucking idiot.

Yeah.

No, I mean, I told you that story about me almost getting that DUI.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

God damn.

What a lucky.

I'm such a fucking lucky.

That's like the thing.

Yeah, when people are like, that's white privilege.

I work in fucking Radio Shack.

And it's like, well,

that's a perfect example.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We're in a nice neighborhood.

There's no possible way I could disregard the law more in that situation and walk away scot-free.

Did you tell, have you selled it on the podcast, though?

That story?

Yeah, I think you did.

Okay, recently, yeah.

Yeah, dude, I don't know.

I got fucking pulled over one time just for like not having a seatbelt.

Really?

Yeah.

I don't know what the fuck does that happen?

And then he wanted to get my brother.

My brother was like 14 at the time.

It was like some Jamaican cop.

I just remember it was very weird.

And

he just insisted on my brother writing down his name.

I don't know what scam he thought I was pulling, but just not having my seatbelt on.

I don't know.

I had a cop give me a bullshit ticket a couple weeks ago.

For what?

I was driving the truck for work

on West End Avenue.

And it's not technically a truck route, but

I've never driven on truck routes doing a job.

I'd stay off roads and say no trucks, trucks, right?

But I've never used the truck routes, right?

And he pulled me over.

He's like, Yeah, I've been following you for like 10 blocks.

This is not a truck route.

There's like signs posted everywhere.

And I had another guy with me, and we're like, What fucking signs?

You know, he's like, There's signs everywhere.

I'm like, But what, you know, which what is one day?

Yeah, yeah,

and uh, stop, yeah, right, one way.

So, I got two points on my license for that shit, really, yeah, damn, that shit sucks, man.

Yeah,

one time, I like uh, when I was like running the music space, like our final show ever, like I was moving out that weekend.

We had like a, we had a big show and like

I took MDMA.

Hell yeah.

And the cops came and I was like on Molly.

I like dealt with the cops.

And I like sort of was able to like get them.

I was like, oh, I'm about to move out.

You know, you know, you guys have come a bunch of times.

This is probably going to be the last time.

They're like, all right, all right, all right.

And they're like leaving.

And I was just like such a piece of shit, like on so many drugs that I like made them stay.

You were like, go get your fucking shine box.

What do you mean you made them stay?

No, I made them stay to shake all their hands.

Oh, yeah, you're a fucking idiot, dude.

I wish you had gotten arrested.

I should have gotten arrested.

That's the kind of dumb shit that, like,

when I got pulled over and I had been drinking, and that, like, cop was, like, running my shit, and I was, like, trying to be cool as possible.

The cop looked like David Bowie.

In my head, I was like, tell him he looks like David.

I'm so glad I didn't.

Because you you can imagine immediately he's like, all right, you're going to jail.

Because even if I was right, it's like the cop doesn't want to hear that.

Right, right, right, right.

No cop wants to be compared to David Bowen.

They want to be compared to Ted Nugent.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Cat Scratch Fever Ted.

Has anyone ever told you you look like Ted Nugent?

Intensity in 10 Cities, Ted Nugent?

Fucked like a 14-year-old.

What's the greatest tour name of all time?

What is it?

Intensity in 10 Cities.

Oh, that is incredible.

I didn't know about that one.

Well,

Chris Cubis went on tour with Ralphie Mae

a couple years ago.

Jesus Christ.

And

I was lobbying.

Triple XL Boys of Comedy.

Right.

I was saying, you guys have to call it obesity and obese cities.

Dude, San Antonio, fucking

corpus.

Fat city in obesity.

San Antonio is a fat city, right?

It's the fat city.

It's the fattest city in America.

It's the fucking fattest city.

That city is nothing but restaurants, and it's like all military people, which is weird because I thought they had to do push-ups, but apparently

you can just go to San Antonio.

Yeah, it's pushes in like Air Force shows and shit.

Well, they also all they all love the rodeo, so they dress like fucking cowboys, but it looks like it looks like Halloween costumes because, like, who you're too fat to sit on an animal,

you barely fucking walk.

So, it looks like a bunch of fat people that dressed up for Halloween as cowboys and then ate all the Halloween candy.

Oh, fuck, man.

They have the fucking Alamo there.

They're real proud of those old churches.

They're pretty cool looking.

In San Antonio, yeah.

Well, the Alamo is like right in the middle.

The Alamo is like the pyramids are in Egypt, where it's like, you know, you see those shots of the pyramids, but then if you just turn the camera slightly, there's like a radio shack.

Right, right, right, right, right.

So the Alamo in San Antonio is like in the middle of this downtown area, and it's like

the house from up.

Right.

Just wedged in the middle of the city.

San Antonio is actually the older parts of the city are pretty, you know,

a river going through it and stuff.

Yeah, the river walks sucks.

The river walks kind of cool, I guess.

The Riverwalk's gay.

Yeah, I went there.

My aunt came to visit me.

My cousin came to visit me when I was living in Austin.

And they were like, Let's go down to San Antonio.

And I was like, Why?

Yeah, yeah, you're in the middle of the day.

You came to Austin.

You're in the better Texas City.

Yeah, well, because my cousin was like 12 at the time, and it wasn't like, let's go get him drunk.

Let's go down to East 6 and teach him how to fuck a girl who wears suspenders.

He's drunk off $35 gin and tonics out of a mason jar.

Real Austin style.

Damn, I want to move to Austin.

Dude, I'm so glad I lived there in my early 20s.

It was so jealous.

It was so cool.

That's the perfect place.

It's probably not cool anymore, like, because Facebook and shit is there now, right?

Well, it's probably like

expensive.

Yeah, it's not like San Francisco.

The thing that protects Austin from being too yuppified is that it is in the middle of Texas.

So the closest city is like, I think Dallas or Waco.

Waco sucks, dick.

Right.

Dallas kind of sucks.

Yeah, San Antonio sucks.

Yeah, San Antonio is an hour away.

Yeah.

And, you know, you're in the middle of a fucking red state in a relatively small city comparatively.

I mean, it's got like a population.

I mean, it's probably more now.

It's probably over a million now.

Yeah.

Yeah, this shit keeps growing.

Yeah.

They have some good-ass fucking donuts in Austin.

Yeah, dude.

I fucking, we should go to Austin.

Yeah, dude.

Gordos.

But Gordo's became a restaurant, and now it sucks.

Oh, really?

Gordos used to just be a donut trailer.

I went to the trailer, and it was good as shit.

Yeah, but they got the restaurant now, and I went there last time I was in Austin.

They have food that kind of sucks.

and maybe the donuts are still all right.

Yeah, but they got those places here.

That's the thing, man.

All that shit, everything about Austin, I'm like, oh, I miss that.

And then, like, if you want it in New York, they have it here, right?

But it's as good.

Yeah, they have those fucking, they have all those weird fucking birds there, too.

They have these little fucked up.

The bats.

And bats, yeah.

Why is a fucking bats out of bats, dude?

I don't know.

Bats are fucking.

There's that rode where all those bats are.

Yeah, there's a bunch of bats under the bat.

That's just fucking a rodent problem that flies.

I don't fuck with bats, dude.

Yeah, but bat almost killed my sister.

A bat fucking a bat flew onto the train when me and Amber were riding the train.

Here?

Yeah.

Yeah, and Amber picked it up.

Yeah, but so like the bat.

He's such a fucking hillbilly.

The bat flew into the train and lands on the fucking ground.

She's like, that's a bat.

And I immediately opened like the door to go to the next car.

I'm like, do you want to, you know?

And she was like, you're afraid of bats?

I'm like, I'm afraid of rabies when I don't have fucking health insurance.

Right, right.

You know, if that thing bites you, you have to go get a fucking battle.

You can get it from Guana, from the poop.

Yeah, you know, really?

Yeah.

It's also, this isn't a bat in a wild, it's a bat on the fucking subway.

Like, something is wrong with that bat.

Right.

And it's on the subway.

And she's like, oh, I can't believe you're being a fucking pussy about the bat.

And it's like, I don't care about it.

We probably had raccoons as pets in Indiana.

She's asked not to talk shit about it.

We're not talking shit shit.

I'm not talking shit about it.

I'm defending myself in this bat story.

And then so some other guy sees like the girl, you know, uh, fucking helping the bat.

So he's like, I'm going to be the tough guy and like pick the bat up or whatever.

And he's like, you know, he's like, he goes and he gets it in his hands.

And his hands are shaking because he doesn't want to pick up this fucking bat.

But he's already seen her call me out for being a pussy.

So he's like, well, I can't be a fucking pussy.

And he's holding the bat and he's like, ah, it bit me.

And the fucking bat bites this guy.

And I'm like, yeah, dude, you need to go to the hospital.

And we get off the train.

And he's like, oh, okay.

And, you know, they put the fucking bat outside or whatever.

Jesus.

And I watched that guy walk away.

That guy's Jesus.

Christ, man.

Yeah, that's how you become Batman.

You just get rabies, and if he's foaming at the mouth in a Batman mask,

have you ever seen a video of a bat masturbating?

Yeah.

Very funny.

What does it do?

Uses its wings.

Just beats itself off.

Beats itself off with its wings.

It's very, very funny.

That is awesome.

Yeah, pretty cool.

What's your favorite video of an animal beating off?

Well, it's a little bit of a tough one.

The walrus sucking its gun.

The walrus sucking its a gun.

Because he's got a mustache.

It's so awesome.

He stops for a second to look around.

His dick is incredible, also.

He's got such a long thing.

It doesn't.

I hate it when people do that with animals.

They're like, wow, look at the dick on that horse.

And it's like, yeah, it's bigger than your dick.

But in terms of horses' dicks, is that a big dick?

I'm not going to compliment this animal for having a big dick.

Why are you such a hater, dude?

He's so bad at horse.

I don't know if it could be an average.

What if he has a small dick?

They're good for horses, dude.

dude they don't have big dicks no they don't some of them have you can't fucking compare them to each other

because you know i don't fuck like gorillas all have little dicks and it's funny animals aren't complimenting me for being smart i'm a particularly dumb human being but i'm smarter than them no they are dude fucking dog people aren't like wow look how fucking smart he is no dogs are it's hard

no but dogs think you're smart no they don't Dogs think you have access to food.

There's this guy I saw on YouTube that has

a collection of monitor lizards.

And there's this video and his wife's filming him and he's sitting in the living room in a lazy boy chair and he's laying back and there's like a Komodo dragon just resting on him, you know, shooting its tongue in and out.

And she's like, there's Dave and big boy just hanging out in the living room.

What are you doing?

They're like, just, you know, sitting here.

And it's like, that's

that thing thinks you're a rock.

It's cold blood.

You generate heat, so it's sitting on you to keep itself warm.

It has no emotions.

Absolutely not.

It's a fucking fucking dinosaur.

That thing will try and eat you so quick, too.

It evolved like 10 million years before anything resembling you existed.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

They're one of the most dangerous predators, right?

Komodo dragons?

No, dude, those are the.

No, mongoose.

Mongoose is the most dangerous.

I think you've often been compared to a mongoose.

Oh, yeah.

You're the mongoose of comedy?

And what's the best?

You're like the Bobby Slater.

Puerto Rican mongoose.

Puerto Rican mongoose of comedy.

You know, mongooses do kill rattlesnakes.

You know, actually, the most dangerous predator?

The fucking white man.

The most dangerous game.

The Puerto Rican white man.

Oh, fuck, man.

So, what are we going to do for your birthday, dude?

You're going to hit some batting cages?

I would like.

I kind of want to go to Dave and Buster's.

Let's go to Dave and Buster's.

I might do that.

Fuck it.

I said I was going to go see a movie after dinner, but yeah, I could go to Dave and Buster's.

You want to do that?

Yeah, let's see.

Let's go.

Fuck the movie.

It's my movie.

Let's get away from it.

Where is Dave and Buster?

Times Square.

It's right here.

Right here in the heart of the street.

You got to go to the West Village.

Don't tell people where I'm going, dude.

You know how many people I get following me around because of this podcast?

Snapping my pictures.

Trying to speak to me.

Snapping pictures at me.

They go, Epaparazzi, paparazzi.

Hey, mamma, et paparazzi.

Torrellini spaghetti.

And then we get into that, you know, car chase in that tunnel where they went to the princess.

Yeah, yeah.

With you and Dodi Elfaya at all.

You know what I was thinking about, folks?

Her name is Princess Die,

and she died.

That's what the leisure people don't want you to know.

I can't really do Alex Jones.

That's not bad.

That's a good Alex Jones.

Did you see this conspiracy theory that Bill Hicks is actually just Alex Jones?

Yes, yes, yes.

We've all seen it.

Okay, I'm sorry.

Adam's like, do you guys know about

McDonald's has their own monopoly now that you can play and with headphones?

My favorite McDonald's conspiracy theory that I would see

my

really stupid but woke black friends from high school was they had these

videos going around about how Jews abduct black children and put them in McDonald's.

Oh, in McDonald's?

Chicken Nuggets is black kids.

That's just an update of

an old one about Matza.

And they have like this super Jewish rabbi.

I gotta find the video.

It's one of the most funny and hateful things I've ever seen in my fucking life, dude.

It's so fucking good.

Well, you ever see that one?

Which one?

Jews steal black children and put them in McDonald's.

It's the matzah one.

Well, it's Einstein bagels on McDonald's.

Yeah.

That's like sort of a where you grew up sort of thing.

In the West Coast, it's In-N-Out burger.

In N-Out.

Yeah.

In-N-Out's an evangelical Christian

company.

Oh, speaking of In-N-Out,

me and my friend.

Me and Max.

My dick went in went in and out of the middle.

Me and my friend Max were talking about.

Is that what you meant?

This gay Dominican guy.

Yeah, so it's in and out of the closet.

It's who's allowed and who's not allowed in the restaurant.

Go ahead, finish your story.

I was telling Nick before the show, but we were talking to this gay Dominican guy that works at the front desk at his storage facility, and he was like, Yeah, I'm just ready for vacation.

I'm trying to go out there.

California, I love it there.

Like, the food is so good.

I went to In-N-Out Burger, I went to Panda Express.

He sucks his teeth.

In-n-Out.

He's great, dude.

I can love In-N Out.

It's just like, come on, man.

It's fucking five guys.

It's like, it's really good.

Five guys is better.

In-n Out, that's not true.

It's just not a shitty burger.

You know how easy you are?

You got to get an animal spot.

Me and Tim Dylan, who is way overdue for an appearance.

Yeah, we got to get Timmy D on here.

Me and Tim were talking about it.

He's like, hey, I feel like I could just make a good burger at home.

Right.

You know, he's like, why would I, you know, go out to a restaurant?

And it's 100% true.

I feel that, honey.

That's something you could totally make by yourself.

I'll make some fucking good-ass pork ribs, my dudes.

That's the thing, man.

If you get enough, if you had a couple of friends in food blogs where you're like, look, I'm opening up this bullshit gourmet chip restaurant.

Right.

Where we just have kettle-cooked chips.

We just rebag fucking Lays.

We serve them to people.

$85 a plate.

Small plate chips.

And all we do is chips and french fries.

And you get enough buzz going, going, you'd have idiots lining up for you.

Yeah.

I guarantee it.

We could do that.

I guarantee it.

You're going to like the way you do it.

1,000, yeah.

Did you see that?

And people forget that his name is also George Zimmer.

What was that guy's name?

The men's warehouse guy.

The men's warehouse guy, yeah, George Zimmer.

His name is George Zimmerman.

His name is George Zimmer, I think.

I wish it was Zimmer.

But when the George Zimmerman thing happened, everyone was like, the men's warehouse guy?

You're going to like looking like the president's son if he had one.

They fired him.

from those Obamas.

They fired Obama.

They fired Obama.

No, not only was he the spokesperson, he was like the CEO.

He was the CEO and spokesperson.

They fired him because of the Trayvon Martin thing.

Yeah, no way.

Stop.

Move your cell phone away from the mic.

Oh, sorry.

I was looking at it.

George Zammer.

It is George Zammer.

It is George Zammer.

Yeah.

Stand your ground, baby.

Oh, boy.

So, what are you guys going to do with your next check?

No, all that shit has to go to.

Yeah, it all has to go to taxes at this point.

Dude, fuck taxes, dude.

Let's Wesley snipes that shit.

I think I want to buy an even better blender.

No, I actually was saying that, but I'm hoping that

a new blender comes out to spell it on the Vitamix.

And then I get it and stop stuck with that bullshit.

Juiceless blender that you can't use for anything.

Because that would be pathetic.

Yeah, and he has to come over and I put his blender in my blender.

You blend up in his blender.

You destroy his blender.

And I drink it in front of him.

Dude, that would be so fucking...

That would be getting cucked on a whole new level.

Yeah.

That would be such a baby.

I went outside of my apartment last night, and

this like old lady walks by, and she's like, I just got to say, I love y'all.

And I was like, why is that?

She's like, every time I come by here, I find the best shit out front.

All right, well, thanks for just being up front about going through our garbage.

Why are people so sensitive about their garbage?

Because I have important documents in there.

Well,

you shred your shit up or tear it up.

I don't have a shredder.

I got yelled at straight up for

throwing my dog poop.

What?

You shredded Vitamix.

It's a good look.

Actually, that would be a good use for the Vitamix if I got one.

Yeah, yeah, it is a shredder.

Someone got mad at you for throwing dog shit.

Yeah, I was like throwing

my dog poop.

Like, I tied the bag up in this guy's garbage, and he comes out of his house.

He's like, he's like, you throw it.

Hey, you throw your shit in my trash can.

I was like, I'm sorry, dude.

It's trash.

It's trash.

And he's like, oh, no, no, take that shit home.

And he, like, made me

He made me

open it up and reach into his garbage

bag of poo.

In those situations, all you ever need to do is go, call the police.

And then you walk away.

Always.

So call the police.

That guy would have beat the shit out of Adam D.

He was pissed.

Not if he thinks that you're the kind of guy that has no problem calling the police.

It was like an old black guy with a USMC t-shirt on.

Oh, he would have beat the shit out of you.

So dark Gran Torino.

Yeah, exactly.

It was a reverse Gran Torino, and I was...

Educated John.

I was one of the Hmong kids.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was one of the Hmong ruffles.

Instead of Gran Torino, it's Coupe de Ville.

El Dorado.

Oh, fuck, man.

That would be a much better movie.

It would also be easy to defend if it was a black guy instead of a fucking old white man.

Absolutely.

A black guy who white kids have been racist towards the city.

I love that scene, that scene in Gran Torino, where he brings the kid to meet the Irish guy, and he's like, What's up, you Mick fuck?

He's like, Nothing, you Polak son of a bitch.

And they laugh, and they're like, Hey, so a black guy and a kike and a

fucking chink walk into a bar.

The bartender goes, get the hell out.

And they laugh, and then he looks at the Chinese kid, and he's like, This is how men talk.

And it's like, I guess, if you say so.

That movie was a solid joke.

That movie was such a piece of shit.

No, man, it's actually a good movie.

It's just more of a bankrupt.

It's fucking, you know, it's a racist.

It's a star vehicle for fucking slurs no one's used since like the Donald Duck fights the Nazis there.

Warner Brothers cartoons.

Yeah, spooks.

He says dragon lady.

He says rapper head.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He calls the Chinese girl Dragon Lady.

That's pretty funny.

Yeah.

I suspect spooks like you.

Three feet high in Korea.

Gooks.

Gooks.

Gooks.

He says gooks when he says blacks.

First of all, this is the only movie I know.

I have the entire script memorized.

He goes,

he drives up in his pickup truck to the black teenagers harassing the kid.

And he's like,

what are you spooks up to?

You're like, excuse me.

And then the fucking white kid's like, yeah, go, old man.

He's like, shut up, pussy.

Not really.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So good.

The funniest part of that movie is the closing credits.

He decides that he's not going to get his own song.

He's going to just sing his own song.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

My Grantorino.

You tell me

my friend Brendan, his dad.

My friend Brendan's dad got a copy of that song and he was like, oh, this is such a beautiful song.

He was like listening to it casually.

My Grant Torino.

He's singing.

I love my car

and I love driving it and using slurs.

It doesn't run on gasoline, it runs on slurs.

Dream spook dragon lady.

Uno dose trace.

Shut the fuck up, pussy.

Happy birthday to me.

The funniest ones, I think, are slurs against Italians.

Yeah, those are all good.

Well, those ones all came back, sort of, I feel like.

Yeah, they go, Gandhi.

They go whopped, spaghetti.

Because they're fully white people now in this country.

Yeah, they have.

Well, the ones, the anti-Irish ones, were always fucking stupid.

Like, get out of here, you damn potato eater.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, what?

Everybody use potatoes.

There's no good ones for Greek people either, right?

Yeah, Mick is stupid.

That's just part of their name.

What is WAP?

Without papers?

Without papers, yeah.

Without penis, actually.

A lot of the Italians that came over didn't have penises.

Well, they all had vaginas.

Yeah, we've talked about that.

They got their

let's let's run it back because I always get confused on this.

So they got rid of their sausage

on the boat on the way over here, or they just to make more space.

Well, all Italian American men.

Oh, because there were so many people on the boats.

Yeah, all Italian-American men.

Basically, the Moors came up to Sicily.

From North Africa.

From North Africa.

And,

you know, the Italian men had very minuscule because of the Renaissance.

And they were all castratos.

They were all castrated at a young age.

Oh, the church was.

They could be better at singing.

Well, they were doing it by their own volition.

Oh, they singing in painters.

They were kissing each other.

Yeah, when the Moors invaded, all of the Italian women are like, oh, finally, it's a man who actually has a penis.

A big penis.

I can actually feel it instead of it feeling like a slight breeze onto my vagina, my vagina chic.

Wow.

Yeah, so the original Italian men were almost bred out of existence.

So that's why they call them coolies, right?

Because it's an eggplant, which is the penis emoji.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So the Italian Americans that came over were all penisless.

So at Ellis Island, the Irish, who were just doing their jobs, were like, let's call them all without penis.

They didn't know what gender to put down.

Yeah,

that was before being trans.

Yeah.

Actually, all Italian men were trans.

That's disrespectful.

I mean, they're both papists.

You know, they should stick together, the Irish and the Italians.

No, they shouldn't.

They shouldn't?

No.

Well, okay.

That's your opinion.

They should fight each other.

I have my opinions.

I want that to come back.

I would love it if there was such strong Irish-Italian resentment going on in America that both groups who were responsible for racism towards brown people

of all kinds.

Didn't have time to hate people of color.

I don't know if they were responsible, but they were definitely champions of it.

They invented it.

Definitely, dude.

I think there were some Anglo-Saxons that were definitely.

They fucking invented it.

That's why I love people that are Islamophobic or whatever.

They're like, oh, these Muslims coming over here and like they're doing terrorism or whatever.

And it's like, at least terrorism is connected to some kind of

global ideology or something or they think God's telling them to do it and it's such a minuscule number.

If you compare like the draft day riots and what the Irish did, because they're like, I'm not fighting in no war, let's go burn down the orphanage.

Yeah, they murdered like little black girls.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We're not fighting in this war, you're not making me do anything.

New York was the most racist city in the north by far, and it was partially because now it's Boston.

Now it's Boston.

Now it's Boston.

I've often said that the only word that ends in ER that people from Southeast can pronounce right is the N-word.

I bet they do say it funny, too, though.

Yeah.

You know, Trump's having them play at his inauguration.

The Mighty Mighty Boston's.

No, Boston.

Chip it up to Boston.

Dude, dude,

I'm going to record the national.

Anybody who's ever liked that song is an idiot.

Fucking piece of garbage.

That shit sucks, dude.

It's like fucking open-ass E chords, bagpipes, and just some gay chanting.

Ooh, check out Music Theory Stavros.

Wow, you play guitars?

Yeah, I play guitar, bitch.

You do?

Oh, yeah.

Really?

You never told me that before.

I shred.

Really?

We used to jam together sometime.

I know four chords.

Well, then I feel left out.

You don't play any guitar.

I play guitar.

I started playing trombone in fourth grade.

Faggot.

Well, those are the options, dude.

That was like the least stupid one.

Trombone and saxophone.

Sax is cooler than trombone.

Sax is sexy, dude.

Trombone.

It was too complicated.

Trombone.

There were too many buttons.

I thought the slide, it was like a.

The trombone has three buttons.

The trombone has a slide.

Just the slide.

So it's just a big slide whistle.

Yeah.

That's why I chose that one.

Is that where the Tim Allen grunt came from?

Is it trombone?

Yeah.

Well, originally it came from Al's ass.

And there was no way for them to edit it out.

So Tim was like, fuck it, we'll do it live.

And he just went,

I tried to play guitar for, like, when I was in ninth grade,

and I just, my fingers were literally too fat to play guitar well.

Short, stubby fingers.

But, you know, I got the beginning of the Godfather theme, and I love that part of

Sweet Child of Mine.

Oh, nice.

Yeah, so.

Nice.

I got a lot of fucking head in high school, honestly, off that shit.

If you go back to my childhood room, if you go back to Baltimore, it's just like the fucking wackest, just tackiest 10th grade white kid posters.

It's just like...

It's the blind.

They're still in there?

They're still in there.

No one's touched it.

It's a shrine.

It's a shrine.

My mom turned my room into like a little office guest bedroom area.

So there's all these...

She's painted the room pink.

There's flowers everywhere.

It's like

all of her religious shit.

So there's like, you know, a moral compass and like pictures of Jesus and shit.

She just erased all traces of you existing there.

Yeah, kind of in a resentful way.

She just needed the space.

Right, right.

To have her Holocaust denier meetings.

She doesn't do that anymore.

That was the fault of her church.

She was in a cult.

It's not my mom.

My parents were in a cult, too.

Yeah.

So your parents were probably also Holocaust deniers.

That's a big part of any cult.

No, it wasn't a Holocaust denier cult, but they were in it for...

They thought they were too Holocaust divers.

They were in it for years, and then they were at a retreat in Colorado, and then it was like the Sunday morning of the retreat and they're like all right now um has anyone here heard of Jesus Christ and then like literally they mentioned Jesus and my dad snapped out of like the cult trance and he like looked at my mom he's like Joanne grab your bag we're going it was Jesus this whole time this whole time you know that was like the what was it it was just like a group that like got together and hung out it was like a the swingers it was a presented as an ontological organization studying being you know that's how it all is I found out my dad was in a cult too.

Really?

I think my dad's very close everything close to chess.

He won't tell you anything about it.

In the 70s, everyone was in a cult.

Yeah, my dad was like, I kind of got, because he's like, I didn't talk to my family for like three years, and I was like, why?

And he was like, ah, you know, that was actually my fault.

It wasn't really them.

He's like, I got involved in this organization.

I guess the Sullivan group or something.

Yeah, it's always some very

non-descript, like, weird.

Well, he was like, it wasn't really a cult so much, but

there was all this emphasis on psychoanalysis.

So it was like some Freudian cult.

Oh, that's that's like just like think about scientology yeah yeah yeah like like like sounds like the losing competitors of scientology no yeah exactly it's it's all answering the same basic question that any religion is trying to answer which is like oh it's really sad that we're just gonna die and like you know i'm trying to see some titties in the afterlife yeah exactly but uh

that's why you got to get into zen zen doesn't make you excommunicate anybody What's that?

Yeah, you got to get into Zen.

It doesn't make you excommunicate anybody.

I want to get into Zen, dude.

Zen's pretty cool.

I had a mental breakdown, like, ten years ago and started going.

That was the only religion I had growing up.

It was like Buddhism.

Do you get to fuck hot Chinese women?

You're actually not supposed to do anything.

Really?

You know what I mean?

Yeah, you're fucked.

Yeah.

I mean, like, I'm out.

Like, I'm out.

Full Zen, I guess, is you fucking

have construction projects you fucking work on.

I used to go to Decendo, and the guy, like, built the whole fucking place himself, this old Chinese guy, or Korean guy, built the fucking.

So your woodworking is just a

pretty much gateway into Zen.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And that's what my motorcycle obsession is.

What motorcycle obsession?

Well, it's making a joke about Zen and the art of motorcycle.

Well, I'm not making a joke.

Have you ever read that?

Into motorcycles.

Yeah, my dad gave it to me.

It's amazing.

Well, what is it?

It connects

the canon, like Eastern or Western philosophical canon to

Zen.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And it does, you know, throughout the day.

I mean, Stoicism is is essentially the same exact thing as that.

Similar.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm so jealous you guys had dads that fucking read books and shit.

My dad didn't really read books.

I mean, he's my dad read books in the 70s.

Yeah, my dad was stupid books in the early 2000s.

My dad's exposure to art was because he was a photographer.

So he knows like a decent amount about visual art.

But I've talked to him about literature and he hasn't really read much.

He's read The Russians, which everybody fucking reads.

Right.

And then like maybe Tropic of Cancer and then Cold Mountain, which he read 25 years ago, and he brings up anytime you mention any book.

Man, my dad's fucking stupid.

And I always said it was because I always thought it was because he was Greek.

And then his childhood friend from Athens came to visit.

And we're just like, he knew everything.

He was talking about the election.

And I was like, oh, my dad's just fucking stupid.

Yeah, he's European.

He's Plato.

He's talking about Bernie's fucking tax plan and shit like that.

And it's like, oh, he speaks better English than my father did.

That's fucking bullshit, dude.

I hate having a dumbass dad.

Yeah.

Maybe he's really good at something you just don't know about.

He's good at woodworking.

He's good at cheating on my mom and woodworking.

Does he cheat on your mom?

Let's get into that.

Probably.

Stavros Halkias Sr., notorious

Emmanuel.

Philanderer.

I love that Philanderer and Philanthropist are so close.

Yeah, it's true.

I consider it to be the same thing.

Yeah.

If you fuck, what I do is I pledge, I'm going to cheat on my wife-a-thon, and every time I fuck a different woman, you pledge $50.

Whenever I imagine you and your father, I imagine the yellow Eminem and the red Eminem.

⁇ M.

Wait,

you're yellow.

No, your dad's the yellow and you're the red one.

You're the yellow.

Your dad is sarcastic.

Well, actually, you know what?

You and Eldis are a lot like the yellow Minister.

Yes, that's true.

Eldus is 100% the yellow M ⁇ M.

You're the red Mins.

We're doing that shit for Halloween, dog.

Add and Agony Green is the green one.

That's the green one.

I was just going to say that.

Don't you ever fucking step on my line, you.

I'm sorry.

Don't ever do it.

I started the bit.

I get to finish it.

You better believe I know where it's going.

You fucking trust me to say a fucking line.

Piece of shit.

I just thought that maybe it's

good chemistry if we go to the same place.

I'm the pretzel Eminem, which is the one with autism, which they had to take out of the commercials because people got mad.

Didn't they used to have a tan one that they got rid of?

They had a brown one.

The brown one's a POC Eminem.

Do you remember those commercials where the brown one would show up and they would all be like, oh my god.

She's like, I'm not naked.

Remember that?

Oh, yeah, it's a girl, right?

Yeah, the green and brown are girls.

Red and yellow are men.

Wasn't there another one?

There's a blue one.

Blue, blue.

He was clinically depressed.

Get it?

He's feeling kind of blue.

He got the blues.

I'm blue.

How about that song I'm Blue Dabou Dee Dabu Dai?

I like that.

Yeah, Eiffel.

Eiffel 69.

Oh, really?

65.

Oh, man.

Yeah.

Fuck, dude.

Fuck, Abadi, Abadai.

I'm gay.

I had another one for

where.

We've got to record our Christmas album.

Yeah, I know.

I had another one that I came up with for the Christmas album.

Why don't you come to my place after Dave and Busters?

Hold on, hold on.

It's not Dreaming of a White Christmas.

Oh, yeah.

It's beginning to look a lot like it was.

I'm beginning to suck a lot of dudes off

everywhere I go.

There you go.

That's it.

We'll throw that out.

Pretty good stuff.

Thank you.

So I think they're kicking us out here.

Yeah, there seems to be intense.

There's a lot of angry stares.

There's a Christmas.

There's something setting up, and I keep hoping that it's a surprise party for me, but it's

looking like some kind of corporate event

going on.

They're just setting them up, and they're like, yeah, ignore those guys.

And we're over here.

And then I said,

I fucked her.

What if it's the Grinch, but he's got a dick on his face?

That's pretty good.

Excuse me.

What if his nose is a Bank America corporate retreat?

We paid good money to sit in this basement.

man.

Or the top part, the top part of his head that's like pointy, what if that's a dick?

Yeah.

Seriously, guys.

Let's think about this.

That would have fucked up movie.

Yeah.

Did we talk about that?

I don't think it's anti-Semitism.

Well, yeah, not only is anti-Semitism, but it's some guy, some poor guy that, like, you know, can't afford to live in the town.

Yeah, everybody.

He's on the outskirts of town and he hates him.

He's mean to him.

They hate him because he's a different colorful.

Yeah.

He's green.

He wasn't a bad baby Grinch.

Yeah, so he goes down there and fucking, you know, appropriately redistributes the wealth and that society.

And then they fucking shame him for it.

And they're like, you know, they're all happy anyways, because no matter what, they're still going to be rich.

You know?

Rich people don't need money to be happy.

They're just better than you.

And then he's like, I guess I'll give this stuff back to them.

'Cause there's no point.

That's the point of that.

Fucking hoes.

Yeah.

Cheryl from It's All or from

Larry.

People get mad at the second Batman movie'cause it was like anti-Occupy.

Was it?

Yeah.

I don't remember.

'Cause it'd be like Bane is

the Occupy guy.

Oh, all those Christopher Nolan Batman movies are like super right-wing.

I mean, the whole concept of vigilante justice is like kind of a right-wing.

Oh, let's have justice without

a trial.

Do you follow Ilya Illion on Instagram?

No.

He's a Kazakh weightlifter.

Okay.

No.

He's fucking hilarious.

But what's funny about him is he's like, hands down, pound for pound, probably the strongest man in the entire world, dude.

At least when it comes to Olympic weightlifting.

But he doesn't, like, he obviously doesn't train for like body composition.

So he's not fat.

He just looks like shit.

He looks dumpy.

He looks like, you know.

Yeah.

I mean, he's kind of built.

He's just wearing sweats all the time.

Yeah, you wouldn't be able to tell the difference between him and like,

you know, like a guy that just loads the back of a fucking garbage truck.

You know, and he's like balding, all shitty.

And he's from Kazakhstan, so his tastes and things are retarded.

Of course.

Oh, I would love to see his like going out picks.

Yeah.

No, it's all that shit.

You know, like fucking puma track pants.

a polo on the bottom.

And a silk polo.

Yeah, yeah.

And then like a headband, like a tie-dye headband.

But he has a picture of him in the Joker makeup.

His thumb is like three inches.

Wait, him and what?

The joker?

He has like joker makeup.

Now, the guy with the three-inch wide thumb is Dennis Saiplinkov.

Oh, the, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Who is the like the Russian?

He's a bodybuilder, but he's like the, one of the, like, number one arm wrestling guys.

Ooh.

He couldn't beat Larry the Cable guy, that's for sure.

No idea.

Larry the Cable guy guy guy guy guy.

Snap his fucking

Yeah, there's a video of

Ilya Ilyan,

Dmitry Klakov, and then another guy, and they're in Long Island City.

They came in, they're like going to some CrossFit in Long Island City or something.

And all of them live in former Soviet, like, you know,

just the worst.

Klockovs lives in Russia.

Yeah, yeah.

How did they get that big?

Just eating fucking cow meat and shit?

Well, it's not,

you need the protein to like build muscle and get big.

But as far as like, like weightlifting goes, strength is like mostly neurological and it is a sport, so it requires like coordination and then like the like optimizing your mechanics of how quickly you move the weight up your body.

So like a lot of that is they're just you know, they are very strong, but they're better at like doing it than you know.

But dude, how the fuck they get nutrients?

Isn't that isn't that isn't like Georgia isn't just like a bunch of candy.

You should see what the fucking Chinese weightlifting team eats.

They eat like fucking General So's chicken and bullshit ramen, like top ramen and stuff.

There's like videos of like, yeah, those like.

Damn, that sounds tight.

Yeah, those Chinese guys, like Liu Zhaozheng and shit, eating lunch, and it's like garbage.

But those guys are fucking jacked because they do bodybuilding stuff in addition to, you know, their regular.

I can't wait to be jacked, dude.

Any day now.

I'll be doing push-ups.

Well, okay, so there's a video of them in Long Island City or whatever.

I've seen this video.

Yeah, yeah.

I showed Adam.

It's great.

And they're all in like the car, and they're like, you know, somebody's taping them, and it shows the backseat, and they're all dressed like like idiots, you know, like track suits again, you know, like fucking.

And, you know, they're like waving at the camera.

They're like, what's up?

You know, and Ilya, who like doesn't even speak English, he's like, what's up, nigga?

And then the camera moves away or whatever.

And then in the comments on the YouTube video, in like Russian, it says, like, Dimitri, nigga is a very offensive word in English.

You need to tell Ilya that you can't say that.

And then, like, Dimitri responded, like, in Russian, like, I will inform him.

And it's so good.

Yeah, yeah.

The one word he picks up.

He just gets that one immediately.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, he's like muscle borad.

He doesn't fucking know anybody.

Right, right, right.

Yeah.

Talk about something for a second.

I'll pull up his Instagram.

I would love to fucking.

Do you follow the

guy, the Chechen, like the leader of Chechnya on Instagram?

Katarov.

Yeah.

Is he good?

Yeah, yeah.

Ramzan Kadarov.

Yeah, he thinks he's like a medieval king.

Oh, he is, though, in his mortal, right?

Sort of.

I mean, he's also.

It's weird because the Chechnya is also Muslim, so like all the women are wearing hijabs and stuff.

He doesn't get to just fuck?

No, but he has parties where he gets celebrities to come to the party.

Oh, my God.

There he is.

Joker makeup, Ilya.

He gets celebrities?

Yeah, he got like.

I mean, I guess it's sort of like Putin gets Sagal and shit.

But who'd he get?

I forgot who he got, but it's like

it was like fuck.

Do you remember, Nick, who Katarov got to go to that party for him?

Was it like Cindy Crawford or something?

No, I don't remember.

I remember.

To be honest with you, Katarov's not as good on Instagram as like the other guys.

He's pretty good.

He's sort of top

of the sword.

Does he have guns?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, he's a kills people.

Well, basically, there was a civilian.

He's evil.

So there's like separatist

Chechen groups that want to leave Russia.

So he's the guy that's installed

by the Kremlin and by Putin to

crush any resistance.

But his dad was one of the freedom fighters, and then they sort of signed a deal with the devil to take over for Putin.

But the thing is,

he's not necessarily that easy to control.

He's also amazing.

He might just tell Putin to fuck off at some point.

Potentially at some point.

And then Trump is going to have to to go in and

by himself, just gun the shit down.

Just by himself.

Has Trump have fired a gun, you think?

Trump's palms have to be so pillowy soft.

He just has breasts.

He's like

14-year-old breasts against him.

Like

fat man breasts.

He's literally.

Yeah, I don't know.

That dude has not done.

some good content.

Yeah, good for the guys.

Check out What's His Face's Instagram?

Sorry, I'm just going through it now.

Illya, Nick is just looking at Instagram now.

Yeah, well, Dennis Saiplinkov is the best of all.

Dennis

sucks men

sucks kids off.

No,

that's a throwback.

Igor sucks kids off.

Oh, yeah.

Damn, it looks very festive in here.

It's an early come town hit.

People are very mad that we're here.

Yeah, it doesn't matter.

No, here's Dennis.

this is the kind of shit he puts on his yeah yeah

him wearing like a speedo thong and then dressed as like a viking otherwise dude that's good i'm taking that yeah i'm taking that look yeah you should i need an armor and sword baby yeah at stavi baby on instagram baby boys

um so we are oh congrats to stav who's just um featured in in gay guy magazine for his gay instagram what was it in out yeah i'm in out magazine i already announced it on the pod, but

I'm

one of the 11 men redefining male beauty.

So, body positive.

Well, who are the other men?

You know that guy from

the Hispanic

friend on.

Chewy?

No, no, no.

The Hispanic friend on.

Wow.

What a fucking reference to pull out when someone just says Hispanic friend.

It's Chelsea Handler's gimmicky midget assistant.

That's where you go with Hispanic.

That's kind of like

internalized racism.

I really meant.

When someone says Hispanic, and the first thing that pops in your head is Chewy from Chelsea lately.

No, I've meant Fluffy.

Not like Cesar Chavez or...

I meant Gabriel

Iglesias.

No, no, no, no, no.

It's from

Fluffy.

From FBA, the Hispanic guy.

Oh, Cuban B.

Yeah,

when I had a

first manager I ever had in show business.

When I was getting my start in show business, the first manager I ever had.

Real piece of work, this guy, real fuck, shitty manager.

And I talked to him and I was like, yeah, so I want to write for television.

And, you know, I have some samples I can send you.

He's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's great.

What we really need for you is a website.

I was like, yeah, I don't think people need a website.

Nobody goes to websites anymore.

He's like, well,

we're going to get on it.

We're going to get a new website for you.

And

we're thinking of something like Gabriel Aglesius' website.

We love his website.

And I go to it, and there's like animations of popcorn.

It's all fucked up.

And it's like shit.

And I'm like, yeah, you're fired.

No interest in working with you.

We need Flash animation.

We need Homestar Runner, where it just starts playing for eight straight minutes and you can't stop it.

Yeah.

Here he is doing the

tire exercise.

Oh, bam.

You know what I want to do?

I want to sign up for Planet Fitness and then be like, okay, great.

Yeah, so I can start working out whatever.

And they're like, yeah, yeah, and then just leave and come back with my own giant tire, just trying to get it through the door.

They're like, sir, sir, what are you doing?

I'm like, excuse me.

I was promised I could bring my giant tire in.

Like, we actually never said that.

You're a lunk, sir.

Bring my giant tire to yoga.

I love flipping giant tires, dude.

And he's shit with a handle.

He just uses the battle ropes.

Oh, yeah.

I was trying to joke around with him one time.

I'm like, yeah, what are those dumbass ropes for?

And he's like, yeah, I use them.

And I was like, oh, all right.

I guess they're cool.

You know, I mean, they're not weird.

You probably feel good.

It's like for like range of motions.

It's probably good.

It's like good cardio and probably a good workout for your shoulders or whatever.

Dude, you tell me you're not going to feel powerful, dude.

Like you just fucking whip in some big ass horses with that shit.

Yeah, I don't need to pay $45 a month to go wave my arms

in a fucking pose.

I use like a big rope and then I just pull a Boeing 787 Dreamliner.

Instead of the ropes,

I bring my own extension cord to the gym and I just fucking whip it around all over the place.

Sometimes I hit people, but they can't say shit because I'm working out.

I'm improving myself.

And if you fucking criticize me after I brought my extension cord here.

A heavy ass one.

That dude Herschel Walker.

Yeah.

Who's absolutely jacked.

Yeah.

Has

never lifted a weight in his life.

That's how Bo Jackson was.

Bo Jackson never worked out, and he could fucking

fuck your wife at him.

Well, Herschel Walker has like a push-up.

Well, he can if he wants.

But Herschel Walker has a push-up and sit-up regime, but one of the other things he does is he lives on a farm somewhere, and he just has like a mountain of dirt, and he just takes a shovel and just moves the mountain of dirt to another location.

That's like what's like a tall tail, like John Henry said.

And he carried that ox until the ox was grown.

And then he could lift the fucking,

you know, he was strong, man, and he went around the country planting seeds.

And those seeds grew up into the Transcontinental Railroad.

I wonder how easy it is to just pretend to be a tour guide and just hide yourself.

It's pretty easy.

Hide yourself.

It's a museum does it.

At museums.

Oh, it's museums.

Yeah, I mean, not being a tour guide.

I mean, like, going to a museum.

Being like, guys, if you want to follow me around, we'll go.

You just need a clipboard and a fucking little ass skinny tie.

This is interesting.

This exhibit is where they actually planned the fiction.

It was the Holocaust.

This is Hitler coming up with the numbers.

Now, they didn't actually kill anybody.

You notice Hitler, a lot of people don't know this.

He was Jewish himself.

And

the entirety of World War II was a Zionist conspiracy to create Israel.

I heard that.

Oh, I'm sorry.

My name is Adam Friedland.

Yeah.

No, I work here.

My name is Adam Friedland.

I live at.

And then I just say your address on the podcast.

Blank, seven, blank, blank, blank,

H blank, blank.

Well, tell you what, folks, we are out of time.

We are out of time.

Blank, blank.

Do you want to do the birthday thing for now?

No, don't do the birthday thing.

I just want to say, if you haven't, subscribe to the podcast on Patreon.

We did two bonus episodes this week, and that might become a regular thing.

Start doing two bonus episodes.

And one will not be that good, probably.

And actually, the people like the one.

They said that one of them.

I told you it was fucking good, man.

I didn't say it was bad.

I just said it was, you know, not as good as the other one.

Anyway, who cares?

Yes, subscribe to Patreon.

Come see us December 26th.

We got Funny Moms.

Yeah.

Also, we are at Carolines right now trying to bang out a Carolines live show, which is going to be the same format as Funny Moms Live.

It's just going to be called Come Town Live.

And it'll be a Carolines, and we're going to book comics.

And we want to get an idea of what the numbers are going to be.

So, yeah, I mean, I don't know.

If you're interested in interest,

let Carolines know.

I mean, they'll book it whatever.

Yeah, and if you're a comic listening and you want to get booked,

send Nick a Facebook message.

He's not on Facebook right now.

Actually, no, email me.

You can email me at comeetown at iCloud.com.

But yeah, if you want to get booked,

we'll book any comic in New York.

It really doesn't fucking matter.

And then,

yeah, but if we can get get an idea we have to figure out what the numbers are going to be for carolines before we figure out what the uh the door price is going to be and you know the the drink minimum and stuff but we're going to try to keep it low uh down to like yeah we want to keep

the concern is yeah 70

is we want to make sure all the comics are paid so we need to figure out a price point where they get but we don't get paid i mean i don't take a cut adam and stop do but i'm i'm uh i'm the magnanimous we take a big we take a pretty big we probably take 70 80 90 we command we command a big i i my entire the entire time I've been doing comedy, my dream has only been able to get to a point where I can pay comedians fairly.

That's more important to me than being a better comic.

Dude, well, you're about to live your dream.

Yeah, dude.

I would love it.

I would love to have a fucking production company where I can give mean, straight white men money to follow their dreams and never hire any WOCs in any capacity whatsoever.

Thank you, everyone.

Thank you.

All right, you guys are great.

Bye.

Happy birthday, Nick.

Happy birthday to me.

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