Ep. 30 – Copycats

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Okay,

we're starting now.

And Stav said he had something prepared.

I have a really good song for us, guys.

Here it goes.

My boyfriend's black, and I'm going to say the N-word.

When he gets home, I'll say that word.

Pretty good, right?

That's good.

I thought it was going to be like a gay thing or a sucking your dad's dick, but I guess, yeah, we'll just jump right into it and start with N-word stuff.

Cool.

We're branching out, yeah.

You know, I worry that like the show gets repetitive and stuff, but then I look at stuff that's like, you know, some of the most successful shows in television, like Barney and Friends or Teletubbies or Sesame Street, and they're all pretty repetitive.

Yeah, in the same format, it opens up.

There's a puppet.

The puppet is like, you know, this is what a square looks like.

This is what a triangle looks like.

So I'm not really too worried about that.

Nah, we're fine, dude.

You know, having any kind of

depth or,

you know, I don't know the fucking word for it.

I never actually finished Sesame Street.

There's a lot of words I don't know.

Seinfeld is like the Barney of sitcoms, right?

So about nothing.

Why is it...

Hold on.

You know,

I was trying to do this new thing where maybe I have a list of things that happened

in the last couple days.

That way, you know, that's some gay shit.

This thing's making noise.

Why?

You don't fucking keep the conversation going.

You'll just.

Yeah, I do.

You'll draw a blank and then be like, who's fucked?

Yeah, that's my that's my role here.

Yeah, the guy checking in on who's fucked.

Adam, have you thanks?

You know what?

Thanks for reminding me, Nick.

Adam, have you fucked recently?

Yeah, I don't want to talk about it.

No, you have to.

I don't want to.

You have to talk about it.

I don't want to.

What happened?

All right.

I met this girl.

Her name was Stav's mom.

What the fuck?

And her dick was bigger than mine.

Oh, nice.

Hell yeah.

My mom does have a nice fat hoggaroo.

Yeah, and

you know, we had some uh some pretty quick sex for me.

It was about three and a half years.

Because you came fast?

Three and a half to four hours.

But my mom pounded your ass for how long?

Do you do a bit?

Adam, do you already have a bit?

This seems like a thing you would do where like the girl comes immediately and you're like, gross.

No, but I used to do a bit.

It never worked on stitch, but it's like, what if you were like eating a girl's pussy and then you look up at her and you're like, I'm about to bust.

She's not touching your dick at all.

Everybody comes straight from.

Oh, I'm going to fucking come.

What?

Yeah.

And that got a lot of silence at Open Mics for

a couple months.

I thought it was funny.

I got booed off the stage at an open mic this week.

I don't know.

No, right, right, right.

First of all, I haven't done an open mic in like a year and a half, probably.

Because, frankly, I don't need to.

You know, I'm better than that.

Yeah, well.

But professional population.

I wanted something to go do at night.

So I was like, all right, I'm going to start doing mics again.

And it's like,

you know, that scene in The Wire where like Marlowe.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like, he wants to take the corner back over, even though he has all the money, but he's like wearing that suit and he goes in and he stabs that guy.

He's a cornerback.

So that's kind of how I feel going and doing mics.

Instead of stabbing somebody, it's just offending an entire room of first-year community Brooklyn.

No, so I go up and first, everyone's bombing.

Everyone's doing terrible.

It's said over the eight.

And, like, that happens.

Brooklyn people said they were like, I'm the weird one, right?

No, they were just, you know, it's just people doing shitty open mic comedy.

I'm sure some of them are probably great at comedy, but it's shitty open mic comedy.

And unless people are like

fakely being into the fucking open mic, it's going to be shitty.

Of course.

They're almost always shitty.

Yeah.

So I went up and I went up maybe like seventh.

And I was like, wow, hot mic, huh?

And I was like, you know, I'm trying to get back into doing open mics, and this is like the first shitty one I've done.

And people are like, oh, boo.

What a dick.

No, I mean, it's going shitty.

And, you know, do your like jokes.

Why?

That's not how you get better at comedy to fucking just say jokes to silence.

Yeah, but in an open mic, you know what I mean.

You're at a fucking

terrible thing.

No, that's not how you fucking use an open mic.

You should try to, you should try in every situation to figure out how to do well in the room and not just say your joke.

You might as as well fucking stay home.

You're doing absolutely nothing for yourself by going on stage and telling a fucking poorly written joke to silence.

Stand-up's like performance, and half of it is done on stage.

If you're somebody that's just strictly writing, unless you're doing fucking one-liners, that's a waste of fucking time.

You're not developing any.

No, you're delivering it.

If you're trying a new joke,

there's a point to go to open.

Just say it out loud, see how it goes.

Everyone's bombing.

Unless you break that, unless you change the energy in the room, no matter how fucking funny your joke is, it's going to tank.

No matter what.

That is a way to sometimes get the energy back.

Absolutely.

Yeah, it would normally work.

But I guess they're all fucking

just there.

They would rather just delude themselves and their pure mic was going well.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So they were like, boo, you know, and

so you got booed.

Yeah, I was like, all right, well, I guess now there's energy in the room.

So you won, dude.

You got the, you got the sounds like that word.

You got him listening.

stage because I wasn't going to do that set.

Oh, you just went off stage.

I was like, fuck that.

I'm not going to fucking.

You self-apolloed yourself.

You self-sandmanned yourself.

Well, what's the point?

Again,

I've been doing comedy long enough to know that you're not getting anything out of fucking going on stage and just saying a joke.

Right.

That does nothing for you.

It would have been fun to just keep.

What is it?

What is the functional difference between going on stage and saying a joke to silence in a room filled with other shitty comedians than just saying to them, what do you think about this?

It's actually better as a comic.

It's actually better as a comic to just say to another comic, what do you think about this fucking joke, if people are going to sit there in silence?

I don't know.

But by saying that, you're saying it's guaranteed to be to silence.

If the joke's really good, who knows, man?

Maybe there's like a fucking chuckle or some shit.

I know.

I know enough about comedy to know that it's not going to go anywhere.

The other thing is like the sort of the economy of laughing for your friends at mics, which is like you can't really gauge if a joke is going to be.

I don't mind that.

That is supportive because that at least like sort of

simulates what should be happening if the joke's going well.

No, you laugh at your friends and then you look at your phone for people that you're not friends with.

Yeah, if they're very funny, you ice out people.

Well, if they're funny, if the joke's good enough, you'll pay attention.

That's how I feel about that.

That's not true.

I guarantee you, you can take...

Look, and then there's this retarded idea.

There's this retarded idea that comedy isn't based on audience participation.

That you can take the best comic in the world and put them up in a shitty room, and they'll crush no matter what.

And that's absolutely not true.

You can take any fucking comic, and if you go up before them and say to the audience, like, don't laugh at his jokes no matter what, they're totally capable of doing that.

Yeah, no one, no one has control of it.

It's not fucking, you know, hypnotism.

It's not magic tricks.

The audience absolutely has to be participating.

Dude, when I crush, dude, I just, I go up there and I just fucking level the fucking place, dude, no matter what, dude.

You put me in a fucking laundry, man.

You put me in a fucking Long John Silver's, dude.

I'm going to eat a couple shrimps, and I'm going to fucking crush that fucking room, dude.

That's the school of comedy I come from.

All right, well, good luck with that.

No, I mean, I know what you're saying, but it's like, oh, mics are fucking gay as shit, dude.

They're terrible, horrible.

They suck.

Yeah, they suck.

I did have, like, an attitude, like an ego about me, which I needed to get rid of when I moved here because we were in D.C.

Like, we were doing it.

We're doing the fucking good.

We were doing the big hunt, like a mic on a Wednesday night, and there were like a hundred audience members there.

Right, right, right.

You know, so I definitely had to get like shed that when I moved here.

Yeah,

you had to learn.

I mean, but also, yeah, that's the thing.

Doing well at a shitty open mic is different than doing well at a good shit.

Right, but it does, it does help train you to like understand how to work a room.

Yeah, how to work with audiences.

True,

you should be trying to kill no matter what.

And there is another class of comics in New York that crush at mics and that bomb at shows.

Shows suck dick at shows.

You know, and I don't even think they're necessarily not that funny, but I do think that potentially

mics aren't helping.

Yeah, they aren't helping them necessarily work with audiences.

That's my two sets, folks.

Well, I'm glad that you had to argue with me instead of just listening to the fucking story.

It's a good story.

No, you had to side with those shitheads.

Is there more?

No, that was it.

It was a good story.

Well, it's great to be back, guys.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, Adam's back now because we got $5,500.

It's almost like I perfectly predicted

based on all the financial software I used to

figure out the SMA on Adams.

Yeah,

he has a whole team at Goldman Sachs that

can predict certain benchmarks.

You know what's funny about this podcast is

I pretend to be a dumb guy and stuff, and nobody has any idea that I'm an extremely successful day trader.

Oh, yeah, yeah, you are.

That I'm worth billions.

When the Brexit happened, Nick made $3 million in 20 minutes

from computers.

Well, no,

I actually, it had nothing to do

with Brexit, really, is I saw the word Brexit and I didn't know what it was.

I didn't know what it meant.

And I thought, how many guys like me are there out there that don't know what Brexit means?

And so I bet against the knowledge of Brexit.

Yep.

You shorted it.

By investing in Trump hats.

And I made $38 million.

Damn.

Dude, I went on Sunday to watch.

My friend's a Buffalo Bills fan, and I'm an Oakland Raiders fan.

So I went to his friend's apartment in the West Village, like right next to the West Forth Subway.

Fucking maybe $3 million apartment, two-stories, roof deck.

Who is this person?

His friend from high school.

The guy you fucked.

Adam's boyfriend.

Anyway.

So you sucked him off?

Yeah, but

that dude, he was like.

Adam calls him sir.

No, I called him.

Guys, we were watching football.

It was straight.

Were you wearing a collar?

Did he have the leash in his hands?

I was wearing a jock strap, obviously.

He was wearing a sporty gloves.

He was wearing white gloves.

I was wearing a sporty suit.

Delivering Adam's asshole to his dick.

Anyway, dude, is it one of those things where he watches you fuck other men?

He gives other men permission to fuck you against your will, and that's your relationship.

Well, I don't want to like be in an argument the whole time.

I just want things to be smooth.

With me and daddy,

his friends fuck you.

Yeah.

Okay.

Anyway.

I found this.

He had a pulp fiction poster in his $3 million apartment.

I was just like, Jesus fucking Christ, give me the money.

So he likes art.

I'd be tasteful.

Well, my favorite is

from the 80s, like luxury apartments from the 80s that have the giant telescope.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

That's the best.

I did every rich person have a telescope from the 80s.

Yeah.

They all loved the stars.

Yeah.

I wanted a telescope when I was a little kid, probably from seeing that shit

in every movie.

Yeah.

Well, stars suck.

Space is fucking stupid.

Anybody that likes NASA is an idiot.

Yeah.

Looking up at stars is good.

No, why?

Not just in a park looking up.

It looks kind of like a star.

It's cool.

Yeah, it's cool, dude.

What do you look at for what's your favorite view?

The wall in my room.

Yeah, Nick has lived in

two windowless rooms since moving to New York.

Yeah.

You had a window in the one with the family last time.

It faced a brick wall.

Yeah, it did.

It was.

Finally, you got a window and it faced just a brick wall three feet away from the window.

There's some light they got in there occasionally.

I don't know if I could handle an apartment that had it.

Remember when we had to shoot that gay sketch for that company you work for?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That apartment.

Oh my god, yeah.

That had a gorgeous view.

It was incredible.

I don't think I would like living in that apartment.

Why?

I don't know.

You don't like a beautiful view?

No.

You don't want an objectively good thing in your life?

Nah.

No, not really.

It would be too distracting, or you just wouldn't like it.

No, I just think it would feel like not enough, that apartment, you know?

But this feels like enough.

Yeah, this is fine.

Because there's no luxury here.

You know what I mean?

Nick is an aesthetic.

It's utilitarian.

So you don't want

purpose.

Why have something halfway good?

You know what I mean?

Like, why'd you eat the regular Reese's if you can have the tree or the Easter egg?

I do find the tree has more peanut butter.

Adam, do they make Hanukkah?

Do they make a Hanukkah candle?

What's it called?

Menorah.

The menorah.

The Hanukkah ovens.

The menorah.

What are you talking about?

The menorah.

Yeah, yeah.

Do they make a rhesus?

The candelabra?

Yeah.

The Jewish candelabra?

Yeah.

Do they make a rhesus one?

No.

Do they make any candy, any Jew candy?

Yeah, gelp.

Yeah, they make a money kind of thing.

Gelp is the thing.

They literally do, right?

Yeah, that's so funny.

It's like

stereotypes are so mean.

Anyhow, we make our children eat coins.

We get them started young on a taste for coins.

Listen, it taught me fiscal responsibility.

But no major, like, no, like, no, there's no Hershey's Jew coin candy, right?

It's like made by a specific.

Oh, yeah, you know.

Well, it's got to be kosher.

Hershey's isn't going to fuck around with you, true.

I don't have time with that.

Hershey's is kosher.

You know how many children die a day at the Hershey's factory from touching the wrong shit?

Yep.

You fall into the river of chocolate.

Yeah.

You eat one of those things and you become you blow up like a blueberry.

What's what's that?

What was the moral of of Charlie and the chocolate factor?

It's scary, but it's not scary.

Rich children should die in the factories and not the poor ones.

Yeah, yeah.

Not the one w who's I remember like it's a working class story.

It was such a powerful image when I was a kid, the fact that his two sets of grandparents slept in the same bed.

I remember thinking like, wow, that's fucking crazy.

Well, that sounds for grandparents.

So weird.

You're separated by like two generations and then they like, I guess we have to fucking all share a bed.

I don't know what these people are.

No idea who these people are.

That is some old-school poverty shit.

Yeah.

Didn't they just do that?

One bed for four old people's beds.

Yeah, according to

Charlie in the chocolate factory.

And that Bill Cosby bit.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Where they all sleep.

That river part used to scare the fucking shit out of me.

The thing about Bill Cosby's bed is

people don't even give him permission before they have to sleep in his bed.

It's not just just the family, it's all of his rape victims.

A little sloppy, but I'll give it to you.

Yeah, I think I'm not sure.

I made a mistake ordering the pizza before we started the podcast.

No, now you don't have to pick it up.

You and I are opposites.

You like to do comedy on an empty stomach, right?

Dude, this is a comedy, though.

This is having a conversation with

people I kind of resent.

We're doing comedy.

Yeah, that's true.

Kind of.

But I have to have a nice meal.

Yeah.

Yeah.

If I'm on an empty stomach, I know I'm

actually great for me.

A nice glass of red wine

and a bubble bath.

How close are you to a relapse?

Do you think two years?

That's what I told myself I'd start drinking again when I turned 30.

Why was that the goal?

Um, I don't know, it seemed like a far away, it seemed like it would take forever to get to 30 when I was 24.

Yeah, and now I'm like, oh, you know, getting closer, and I'm like, oh, I guess not.

You're 27, 28.

28.

Well, I'll be 28 next week.

Next week?

Yeah.

What are we doing?

Oh, shit, bro.

Yeah, we got to get buck-ass wild, yeah.

I can't.

What part of Not Until I'm 30?

What about Cody?

Oh, here's a good sober guy birthday thing.

Let's go to batting cages.

Yeah.

You like that, don't you?

Yeah, actually, that would be pretty cool.

Batting cages are cool.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Immediately.

Batting cages are rule.

No, that's not a birthday thing.

I would go to a batting cage whenever.

No, we're doing it for your birthday.

We're doing it for your birthday.

We're going to make you wear a little birthday hat.

We're going to have fun.

It's going to be cool.

You do afterward a little birthday hat.

And then

we're going to do Come Boys Karaoke.

It's going to be the three of us in a private room.

Just singing for the other two people.

Dude, one time I did karaoke with my ex-girlfriend and all her friends growing up, they're all Korean.

You cannot imagine how many N-words were screamed.

Yeah.

Koreans love using the N-word.

They love it.

That's the same thing that's true about that.

They love the N-word.

Did I tell you about the first public time I said the N-word?

Where it was like...

I love that you remember it.

in a song?

It was it, well, sort of.

Okay, here's

this was just I've never done it, not in a song.

I still have it.

I just have.

Well, let me explain here.

No one heard me do it,

but it was, so I was at a Wu-Tang clan concert, right?

In Baltimore.

I've heard of them.

And

it was just like...

It was one of those situations where there's like, everyone, make as much noise as you can.

Everyone, I want to hear you get louder.

and I just thought it was too good a joke not to scream the n-word at the top of my lungs because no one could hear me because it was just like I was being completely overshadowed by the rest of the shouting yeah so yeah at a Wu-Tang clan concert I uh shouted the n-word at the top of my lungs well it was part of the and it was a pretty good bit I still stand by that as well the best bits are bits that are just for you it was 100% just for me one time I had my friend redo my um okay cupid profile like this a couple years ago and he saw that I was like messaging girls with like huge fake titts like girls that would never date me like girls that came from Russia to like front guys with money.

Why were you doing that?

I just thought it was really funny.

Oh, okay.

He was like and then he saw these messages and I'd be like,

yeah, we should probably date.

And then they'd be like, no.

And then

he was just like, you psycho.

I was like, but it's funny.

He's like, yeah, but you're not doing it for anyone.

You're doing it on your private dating profile.

If they said yes, would you have dated those big fake-titted women?

No, I wouldn't have been able to please them at all.

I wouldn't have had enough money.

They're here for one reason.

You just

women that would never date me.

I thought it'd be funny if I was like, yeah, we should probably date.

Women that are taller than me.

Whatever.

I'm a creator.

Don't you still do that all the time to every single woman you meet?

No.

I thought that was your move.

No, my move is called the stop and frisk.

That's what I do.

Stop them, frisk them down.

Yeah.

Pull the gun out of my hall.

I do broken windows.

That's when I lean too hard on the glass outside their apartment.

Just completely topple over.

It's not illegal.

You broke from the outside.

And so technically, it is your fault.

I'm suing you.

Goodbye.

Just run away with my skin.

She's got lacerations all over your dick.

Legally speaking, this is your fault.

Goodbye.

Good afternoon, ma'am.

So, what do we got on the list?

What do we got on the list here?

The trial of that guy that shot that dude?

Mistrial.

Mistrial.

Yeah, but they're going to try him again, right?

They're going to try him again.

Yeah.

How do you fuck that one up?

We all saw the video.

Have any cops.

Was that in South Carolina?

It was in, yeah, South Carolina.

Yeah, Walter Scott.

Miss Trial for the first time.

Yeah, dude.

I haven't been paying attention to that.

That one was like clear.

That one was like

who's the guy's race.

I don't know, man.

Well, I just love it.

I don't think it was a hung jury.

I think it was like a procedural thing, right?

No, it was a hung jury.

There was like one guy that couldn't, they couldn't reach a consensus.

I just like that it's like 12 angry men, but instead of like the one guy that's not a piece of shit, it's just one guy that

was just like, I don't care.

This is my year.

It's my year now.

Yeah, like, come on.

I'm not guilty.

We're taking it back.

Yeah, that guy, there's no way.

There's no way that guy didn't just feel like, ah, no, a Trump hat.

There's definitely a Trump guy.

Definitely just like.

Yeah, sir, can you take your hat off in the courtroom?

I like when they interview juries after those things.

And like, it's usually people that are like, no, I'd never heard of this shit before.

You know, I still work at Blockbuster somehow in 2016.

The last one.

If I want to use the internet, I have to go to my friend's house.

I love in that OJ documentary how the jurors were just like, yeah, I just wanted to go home.

I knew he was guilty, but I just wanted to go home.

I was on that fucking jury for like two years.

They were kept in that hotel for so long.

It was torture, yeah.

What happened?

They just

went to sequestered for like 18 months.

No, it was like over a year.

Was it eight months?

Jesus Christ, dude.

They couldn't watch TV, you know?

Have you ever...

They couldn't watch TV.

No, fucking TV.

Movie.

That was the 90s.

That's when TV was killing.

It was good, yeah.

You can know Fraser.

What the fuck are Niles and Daphne up to?

Dude, will they?

Won't they?

Speaking of TV, we got this on the list here.

Lindy West has a TV show.

Someone optioned her memoirs.

Yeah.

Somebody optioned her memoirs to become a TV show.

So they're going to get like

Westworld.

Thank you.

Executive produced by Guy Fieri.

Yeah.

Lindy West.

Yeah.

They just.

He put together the meals by the specs of food on the manuscript that you have.

Well, I kind of want to beat beat him to the punch.

I want to read her book and then write my own speculative script.

You know, just option it myself and then put my version of what that show would be.

Indeed, that could get big.

I think that's a great idea.

It's a lot of work.

Stop?

Yeah, no.

What the fuck?

No, I mean, I don't know.

I mean, when me and Stop first met, we were going to, it was right around

when they did that rape joke debate on W.

Kamal Bell's show between

Jim Norton.

Yeah.

And we were going to do a rape joke debate at Wonderland Ballroom.

Yo, at Funny Mall.

Between Lindy West and a rapist.

And I was going to wear like a mask and gloves.

Why didn't we?

I was going to eat a sandwich, right?

No, a bag of cheeseburgers.

Burgers and fries.

A whole bag full of cheeseburgers and then wear a dumb wig.

And then that was the plan.

Why didn't we do that?

Is there still time?

We were supposed to do that at Funny Mall.

Same reason that nothing else happens.

You know, we say we're going to do it

until I go buy buy the gear.

It always requires some sort of gear purchase on my end.

Someone else to go.

I would have bought the cheeseburgers.

No, you wouldn't have.

I would have eaten them, dude.

Yeah.

Well, the only thought I had written down for the Lindy West TV show is that they were going to have Pixar animated, but

they ran out of hard drive space

while designing a character.

Woo!

Boom.

Now, that is a good one, my friend.

That bitch is fat.

They're like drawing her, and then like the fucking, there's just a noise on the desk, and the hard drive has dropped out of the bottom of the computer onto the floor.

The hard drive weighs so much.

The lights are flickering in all the rooms.

Her book is called Shrill.

Oh, man.

She's taking it back.

Her book is called Trill?

Shrill.

Oh, I thought I heard like Trill.

Her rappers were like, well, maybe we could just go with fat.

She's like, I'm not just fat.

It's like, okay, well, it's 17 chapters about how you're fat and how you're better than everyone because you're fat, but then they hate you for some reason.

Did you see someone put a list together, Mashable or something?

23 comedians and accounts you have to follow during the Trump era.

Yeah.

And it was like Lindy West, Paul Krugman.

It was like, like, none of them were, they were like, this is hilarious.

People that you need to laugh at.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

People that'll help you laugh.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It was really bad.

By laughing at, not with.

Maybe if that was the objective of the article, then I think it achieved its purpose.

People only laugh with

my man on fire today.

Get her ass.

Cook her ass.

Cook that bitch.

Yo, come on the podcast, Lindy.

Seriously, though.

I love you, girl.

Yeah, but please don't break or eat the microphone.

It's not a nice microphone.

That's my favorite.

I have so many problems with Lindy, but it's just so much fun to only go after her for being fat.

To do the mean middle school version.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're perfectly legitimate critiques.

Oh, yeah, no.

They don't involve it.

She's a fucking narcissist, and she gets paid to just talk about herself and then relate everything to her.

Oh, totally.

Yeah.

But no, it's just so much more fun.

Do people still read her shit?

I guess they do.

Yeah, she wrote that awful thing about that Mona movie.

Oh, yeah.

She's like, this is how we're going to fight racism, is by taking up nine seats at a children's movie.

We're going to end racism.

Yeah, the tagline was.

Just take that, Donald Trump.

I went to see a Pixar movie.

I went to go see a Disney movie.

What is Mona?

It's Native American or Hawaiian?

It's probably the same exact movie Disney's been making for the last 60 years.

They're just choosing different

ethnicities.

Yeah, whatever the rock is, that's what this is.

Samoan?

Samoan?

I think so.

They're going to go through all of the

Pacific Islands.

Yeah.

Well, actually.

I'm sorry, but Tallulah is Tongan.

So it's a completely different movie from Mona.

It has nothing to do with Lilu and Stitch.

That was a different island.

That was Hawaii?

Yeah, that was Hawaii.

And the next one is Capri Sun.

It's a country.

They got one of those?

Yeah.

You know that's a drink.

Really?

Yeah.

No, I didn't know that.

Them little silver pouches?

Yeah, dude.

You know what I do?

I put that shit upside down.

That's the cool way.

That would excel

so well is fucking wine coolers that come in those pouches.

I've been saying this for years.

No, I just said it right now.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Yeah, of course.

First time I ever heard his Nick saying it right now.

Franzia in Capri Sun pouches.

Yeah.

You know how many fucking college freshmen you'd kill with that?

They would think that's hilarious.

You know how, you know, like, first of all, we would completely undo all the work we made with our work we got done with Mattress Girl and all of the campus sexual assault activists

erased overnight with Capri Sun Franzia.

Would you give a cool name?

Assaults will skyrocket.

One in four?

We're like nine and four.

I don't even know how that math works, and you won't either because you're going to miss all your classes.

So everyone gets raped two and a half times?

Yeah.

Is that what nine and four is?

Statistics.

I think so.

Yeah, I would love that.

Or alcoholic gushers.

Eat a little gusher.

Ooh, that'd be lashes some fucking boobs in your mouth, yeah.

Did you see that fire in Oakland?

Yeah, how did people die?

I thought it was like a warehouse.

Were they living?

Oh, it was a warehouse, yeah.

It was like any one of these Bushwick, you know, lost spaces

where Jake lives, basically.

Yeah, yeah.

And it's one of those.

But so the landlord, first the media went after the landlord, and the landlord's like, I haven't been there in a fucking year and a half.

There was squatters?

Yeah, it was some Vietnamese woman.

She's like, I don't, no, it wasn't squatters.

She's like, I like trusted that the guy who had the lease was using it as like a art studio or some shit.

She's like, I wasn't saying anybody could live there.

And then the guy who was the leased the property, who was like offering subleases out to artists or whatever, who's turning a profit off of it.

I'm sure.

He went on the news and he went on like the Today show and he's like,

I've lost everything.

I've tried to build a community here.

And like fucking Matt Lauer is like, do you think you should be held responsible for this for violating all those codes?

He's like, I'm not even going to answer a ridiculous question like that.

And he's like,

He's like, I've refused.

Never.

I just want to say that I've lost something here.

You're alive.

Yeah, fucking.

Yeah.

No, like 26 people died.

Yeah, what do you mean you've lost?

He's like, I have some sweet ass records in there.

And then this asshole went on the Today Show wearing a fedora

to talk about how sorry he is about all this.

So he just completely was a fucking slumlord.

Yeah.

Everything was out of code.

Yeah.

Got on fire because he's a fan of the family.

And he thinks he's not a slumlord because he was exploiting artists like himself.

Other people with the same stupid outfits as him.

So there's no possible way he could be a guy that's a piece of shit.

Matt, how can we talk about this?

We've lost so much experimental dance poetry because of this incident.

Yeah, he's like...

What a loss.

Yeah, and then

you can tell he was like obviously trying to position himself and do PR, but he's a fucking moron, right?

Right, he didn't understand how badly it would play.

And he goes on TV and he's like, You know, how could this happen?

He's like, What do you think?

Did I like move my family into a hotel right before this happened so that this wouldn't happen to them?

He's like, No,

which he did, he did move them into a hotel right before it happened.

He's like, No, I did that so they could get a nice, nice, quiet night's sleep while they had this, you know, concert at the, you know, at the venue or whatever, uh which wasn't it wasn't permitted for that jesus christ yeah so it like he's i hope he goes to jail for murder i hope there's like you know multiple god damn no dude i used to be diy guy and diy till i die no you were now fine dude buy your own fucking shitty you know space live in it but don't offer leases to people if you're not gonna like those laws exist for a fucking reason yeah it's real shitty you were but your diy space was nice the basement and also we weren't like tr making money off of it.

We gave all the money to get a lot of stuff.

You also had you were like allowed to live there.

Yeah,

it was a residential space.

Right, exactly.

This was a fucking shitty old warehouse that this guy was like converted into living spaces by letting people put up.

I mean, again, like that was shit.

I went to Jake's one time and the stairwell was missing.

He's like, oh, yeah, they took that stairwell out, so you have to go to the roof and then go back down on the other side.

It's like a toilet.

did you ever go to the copy of garbage in baltimore no never that place fucking sucked dude didn't petee used to live in like a warehouse kind of space who

pete muth yeah yeah he lived in a fucking tight one though the the mansion in hamden that place is tight yeah yeah yeah it was just like some old fucking uh it was like a converted factory but it was really nice yeah it was not diy at all it was like a fucking real nice fucking spot but they had good shows there yeah copycat though was just fucking terrible it was just like i don't know what it was some printing company i don't know what it was and it was just like infested with bed bugs.

There was like one fucking bathroom for these huge fucking floors.

My friends that lived there just pissed in deer park, like huge deer park gallon.

It was disgusting.

Oh, they were brand loyal?

Yeah, they were brand.

It was just deer park.

I lived next to a Vietnam vet when I was like a little kid, and he kept all of his piss in jars in the garage.

Just indefinitely.

He just liked it.

You never know when you need it.

No, I don't know.

I mean, I don't remember him being a garage guy.

I just remember seeing those jars of piss.

Good for him, dude.

I pissed a lot.

I'll piss in Gatorade bottles, just leave them laying around.

My mom found one, and she just fucking, I just had it

from years, and I just wrapped it up.

And I was like, oh, I just

have a mental illness, dude.

I never, never fucking just go to the fucking.

I know.

It's not a mental illness, it's just being a lazy piece of business.

Yeah, but it's being a lazy piece of music.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Rewind it.

You do this as well?

Just.

Yeah, why were you just questioning?

You brought this up.

I think it was weird that they did.

Yeah, but there's his room far away.

Mine is much closer.

I do it for different reasons.

I do it.

It's cool, though.

I did it like a couple times.

And

yeah, sometimes I'll piss in a big Yankee cup.

I pissed on the way up to not to stop at rest stops.

That's fine.

Not to stop at rest stops, I pissed while driving on the way up.

I can't do that, dude.

I always get messy.

I've done that.

You need a wide mouth.

You need need a wide mouth cut.

I tried to do Gatorade.

Not me, actually, but yeah.

Yeah, I have a really big-ass fucking dick, so when I'm pissing stuff, they gotta have a wide lip.

I've never pissed.

I've never needed to piss in a bottle.

I've always been able to not piss myself for long enough to make it to a restaurant.

Wow, man.

Brag, man.

Yeah, dude.

I don't know why I qualify for the astronaut program.

Motherfuckers don't.

Wait, they have diapers in there?

Yeah, astronauts dipe up.

They dipe it up.

They dipe up.

That's why a lot of guys become astronauts.

An excuse to wear.

Well, you know, I wouldn't be surprised if there was a guy that had a diaper fetish and he was real embarrassed about it, so he went to school to become an astronaut so he could wear the diaper.

Yeah, so he became like a doctor and an engineer.

Think about the guys are geniuses.

Dude, that's the thing.

Think about the guys that are fucking pedophiles where they have like, who becomes, I don't know, the star of seventh heaven.

That, like, now my secret is safe.

No one will find me out.

I guarantee you, like, half of all astronauts are people with diaper fetishes.

And they just went through all the schooling and stuff to cover up the fact that they can only come if they wear diapers.

Dude, those are the people who are in space where no one can hear you come.

That's like a pizza gate for the space industry.

Did you see some guy went to the pizzagate palace and started shooting at the building?

Yeah, the guy from North Carolina.

Did you see the picture of him?

No.

He's perfect.

Straight out of Central Caspar.

First of all, he's right.

He's right.

He's self-investigating, guys.

yeah no i mean he's absolutely right that sealed the deal for me i mean because i was kind of on the fence about whether or not pizza gate was real but when i found out someone brought a gun there and shot at the store i was like it's real

that should be real in my head what percentage of them do you think really believe it the alt-right like pepe frog guys i don't think any of those people actually believe that yeah they think it's funny that guy did he went in there with

like has to be a percentage of them that actually thinks it's real 15.

yeah you think 15 It's a fat percentage.

Well, I'll tell you what percentage of me

thinks it's real,

which is something like 15%.

Yeah, I think it's kind of.

I think there's something fucked up going on there.

After the British Parliament thing and the Catholic Church, it's like,

yeah, probably.

The amount of times that, like, you know, there's some suspicious thing going on in

a powerful group,

why wouldn't?

There's got to be the same amount of pedophiles in any population, any

sample.

I don't think Hillary is a pedophile.

I think Hillary is trans.

She's a trans cocaine addict.

Oh, man.

There was so many.

Didn't somebody say that Obama was gay?

Yeah, he was a gay prospect.

He was a cocaine addict.

And then

during the Benghazi house, he was in a limousine sucking some man's dick.

Will was saying to me that

he's so awesome, Dean.

The president's dick.

Well, you know, I tell you, it would be awesome and very funny if it wasn't true, but it is.

Will was saying on his last day in office, he's going to be standing in front of the chopper and he's going to be like, all right, well, that's it for me as the president.

Now I'm going to go back to being a gay prostitute.

That would be like a monopoly man sitting in the fucking limo and go back to sucking him off immediately.

Yeah, dude, if you were a gay

collector of the finest prostitutes, the president of the United States would be the best prostitute.

I mean, that's that.

You could probably charge

literally $5 million

to get sucked off by Obama.

The Pope right now, gay prostitute.

Can't you tell me about Benedict?

The one before?

The Pope probably raped prostitutes.

Oh, no, Benedict.

That's the only way you make it up that far in that organization.

It's like, you know, cops, they have to be racist.

Yeah.

You can't be an anti-racist cop and make it up to the white shirt level.

Benedict does live with his boyfriend.

Benedict, yeah, there's a gay underground.

Didn't he have like a hot wasn't there like a hot like

a fucking hot boyfriend that was like helping him or whatever?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There was a gay prostitution scandal in like the Rome Archdiocese,

which like came up.

Basically, he had to go.

And that's why they got this like nice Argentinian socialist guy.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

This guy.

Everyone loves this guy, right?

This guy, if he wasn't

in the fucking priesthood, he would be a very gentle lover to women, for sure.

Yeah, I mean, I think everyone says he's the good one, but like, still, like, the baseline of his beliefs are stupid as shit, right?

He believes in, like, the mama and the, you know.

Yeah, I mean, he believes in the.

He's a Catholic, yeah.

So he's dumb as shit.

He's stupid.

I don't think it's dumb.

You think it's cool?

The Holy Trinity?

I think it's way cool.

Think about it, dude.

Is that him?

Oh, look at him.

Amber's producing for us right now.

Yeah.

He is sexy.

I'd fuck fuck Ratzinger, that old Nazi, that old gay Nazi's boyfriend.

Is he still the Pope, the Nazi?

No, no, no.

No, but he's alive.

He's like just some fucking scary.

Wait, did he literally

quit?

Why'd he quit?

Why'd he quit?

Because he'd be gay.

Because he's gay, yeah.

That's what we're talking about.

He has a sexy ass boyfriend.

He sucks off in Germany.

Oh, this is like open.

He's openly gay?

No, no, no.

No, I think he lives

in the Vatican.

Yeah, but you could figure out a way to do it.

You could stay public.

You could figure out a way to do it.

There was a gay prostitution scandal where a bunch of the Cardinals were getting gay prostitutes in Rome and stuff.

Arizona Holes or St.

Louis?

Arizona.

Carson Palmer fucked a bunch of gay prostitutes.

Him and Larry Fitzgerald fucking double teamed the Twink.

St.

Louis Cardinals, straight as fuck.

They stood up

when the Mike Brown shit happened.

Yeah.

Dude, they stood up for the Blue Lives.

What's this fucking

Darren Wilson?

I got into it with some like some back when there were still T Cots on Twitter or whatever about the Mike Brown thing.

How have they gotten worse?

Well, I would tweet at them, and I would be like, no, Mike Brown was the officer, Darren Wilson was the kid.

And like, two or three of them were like, I stand corrected.

Have a good day.

Just like wouldn't check.

Like, my apologies.

I messed up.

There's just so quick.

You're right.

Darren is sort of a black name.

He could have been.

Mike Brown could be.

I was laughing.

There was like a murder in Aurora, Colorado, like last year.

In a movie theater?

No.

Where they're showing.

No, no, these two

guys.

These two black guys killed somebody in Aurora, and they came up on some news feed of mine or whatever.

And it was like two black guys who were cousins with each other.

And it's like Aurora Cousins

indicted in murder.

And then there was a picture of the two black guys.

But I scrolled past it and said Aurora Cousins indicted in murder.

And there's a picture of the two black guys, but I just thought they were the same black guy.

And I thought it was one black guy named Aurora Cousins.

That is a fucking cornerback's name.

That's what Aurora Cousins is.

Rilla Cousins, Eastern Tennessee University.

Dude, he's got a, he runs a 4-4-40.

The Kanban, he runs a four-hour skills.

Great ball skills.

Great ball skills, right hands.

He'd be a first-round talent if it wasn't for smoking weed one time.

I was laughing the other night.

We were talking about the Vitamix again, which style I got, by the way.

He copied me.

Bitch, I got a Vitamix, bitch.

I think I have it, so if you get it now, you copy it.

You didn't even know what it was until I said I'm going to get it.

I own it.

I am the

Vitamix.

First of all, I think Sav is probably an expert on blending technologies.

I know all about blenders, bitch.

Even before I was in a smoothie.

I was an immersion blender.

Yeah, first of all, we discussed this.

I have blenders solely for mayonnaise and dips and shit.

Yeah, but I wanted to.

I said I was going to get the Vitamix.

And guess what, bitch?

You dragged your feet on it.

I have it.

Now, if you get it, you're copying me.

That's how the rules of copying work.

Your Your paycheck's cut off at this point.

I'm going on strike.

I'm calling your fucking credit card company and disputing that.

No, I'm disputing on his behalf.

No, he copied me.

Do not hang up on me again.

I will kill you.

I will come to that office with an AR-15, a fully, full clip, fully automatic AR-15 on November 18th next year at 5:50 p.m.

This is a specific direct threat over international, over state lines.

This is a 100% real, not satire threat to kill you if you hang up on me.

No way, shape, or form could it be interpreted as parody or joking.

God damn, them just playing the audio at your trial.

It's talking about.

I was kidding.

Again, I would like to reiterate this is not a joke.

In the event that they play this at the trial, and I claim I was kidding.

Tell the fucking judge.

Look at my defense attorney's face right now.

You see how fucking pissed he is?

It's because he knows this is real.

Motherfucker.

Do not let him get that Vitamix.

You cancel shipment now.

He will not copy me.

He's been on my purchases list.

He's been on my wish list for a year and a half.

You know what's next on that list?

Your fucking head.

That'd be a fun sketch.

Don't fuck with me.

I am in ISIS.

I support ISIS.

I'm a member of ISIS.

That's a good bit we could do on the show.

Just call people up and tell them we're going to murder them.

Whoa, you're listening to Danny Dickhead in the morning.

What's up, bitch?

Yeah, yeah.

Hello.

It would be funny to do a morning radio bit where they go through the obituaries and they're like, and we found a family whose four-year-old drowned last week.

They drowned last week.

Yeah.

So let's call them up.

And it's like, toilet flushies.

Hello, hello.

It's like,

my name is Randy Jefferson.

I went to school with your son, and I was wondering if I could have his toys because he's dead.

Like, excuse me?

I want your dead son's toys.

I'm four.

They're like, what?

They're like, I'm just kidding.

You want two free tickets to see Rush next weekend at the fuck you dome.

Oh, fuck, that's great.

Yeah, unfortunately,

all those local radio prank phone calls, all fake.

Uh-oh, yeah, because it's illegal to record

unless you're in Vegas.

Dude, really?

Yeah, Las Vegas has different laws.

That's where I grew up, dude, the Wild West.

Shut the fuck up.

Vegas is the only place.

Vegas, and then there's one other state where

only one party needs to know.

Yeah, where

only one party needs to know.

But the thing about prank calls is anytime you call customer service, because it says this call may be monitored, recorded, that's implied consent on their behalf.

Hell yeah.

So you can prank call those companies all day long.

Now, they probably would be able to sue you if you make their company look shitty.

Right.

But who gives a shit?

Right.

Or you can

speak out the name.

Yeah.

I guess.

But then it's also, you know, I don't know.

Who knows?

197 does a bit.

Well, now it's probably fake, but

it's called

Ride or Die.

So

they're like, yeah,

I want to prank my boyfriend today and I like I want to be like yeah I'm cheating on you and then like if they like don't hang up on the phone like in 60 seconds or something then they like win tickets to summer jam or whatever

one time this guy calls he's like yeah I'm trying to I'm trying to prank my girl I'm trying to tell her that like I've been put like peanut butter on my balls.

I've been getting a dog to lick it and stuff.

Because we haven't been really connected in the bedroom recently.

And like, yeah, like, this is my thing now.

Like, I put peanut butter on my balls.

And, like, this is, and they're like,

they're like, what do you want her to say?

And, like, the point is to have them say, oh, that's all right.

And then they're like, oh, ding, ding, ding.

That's your ride.

You're a rider, not a

ride or die.

Not a die or whatever.

So

he calls his girl.

It's clearly just a guy.

who just likes fucking dogs.

Keep in mind, again, as I just said, it's probably fake.

No, No, they're 100% fake.

So go ahead and continue telling this story, despite that disclaimer at the beginning.

And you're repeating the bit that they wrote that you thought was real after I just told you it was fake.

I think it's real.

This is like me beating off the nudes.

This is your beating off the nudes.

You loving these fake asses.

But Adam also beats off the nudes.

People said that.

You know, Nick says David Blaine isn't real.

I say David Blaine is real.

What do you mean he's real?

They say it's not illusions.

I think it's real mad.

Some of it's real.

That skewer through the bicep.

How the fuck does he do that?

He created a fistula

over the last like five years in secret.

He just kept stabbing himself in the arm a little bit.

And through his hand, too.

Yeah.

He just kept doing it slightly and putting it like, you know, maybe a millimeter in every time and created scar tissue all the way through his fucking arm.

Oh my God.

Yeah.

So then he just pushes it through all that scar.

Yeah, they x-rayed him and it was like, yo, yeah, yo.

Did you see when he threw up them frogs?

Oh, yeah.

That shit was Curry.

Kanye and Steph Curry.

Drake, Steph Curry, Kanye.

Oh, Dave Chappelle.

Kanye wasn't there.

Dave Chappelle.

That's right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Barack Obama.

Barack Obama.

Colin Powell.

Colin Powell.

Just every player.

Lando Calrissian.

Yeah, I watched the last David Blaine special, and so he does magic for celebrities, and one of the celebrities was Stephen Hawking.

Nah.

Really?

It's so funny.

He's just sitting there like, yeah, it's amazing.

Stephen Hawking is like, can you please make me walk again?

I've given up on science.

Please help me, magic.

My dick doesn't work.

Please, magic, help me.

That's you like,

listen, Stephen, it's not real.

And he's like, I got you, bitch.

I got you to admit it.

I am the smartest man in the world.

You fucking retard.

How dare you do magic at me?

Fuck.

Yo, that guy just, I love that Stephen Hawking just cheated on his wife.

Yeah, in the chair, dude.

Yeah, he got his fucking, the nurse that bathed him and shit.

I guess he just like

speak and he was cheating.

That's so sick.

Imagine being able to.

What a ledge.

What an absolute ledge.

You think he's got a fat hog?

You think his dick works?

No way, right?

Stephen Hawking?

Yeah.

Of course not.

Actually, you know what?

That's the only diet that works.

It does.

It's an independent system.

Yeah.

Really?

Yeah, the dick is separate.

Like, paraplegics can still get hard and fuck.

What?

Yeah.

Lieutenant Dan, dude.

Yeah.

That's true.

He's fucking all them whores.

Yeah, it doesn't.

It's not like.

But does it feel good when he gets his dick sucked?

No, I can't feel it at all.

Oh, wait, no, wait.

Stephen Hawking?

Yeah.

Yeah, you could probably feel his dick.

Hell yeah, dude.

Well, he cheated on his wife.

That's what I was just saying.

Yeah, we were just on the podcast talking about.

Sorry, I was going through.

No, I was doing something important for the show.

I had to look up these show notes that I keep.

Yeah, so I wasn't doing what you do.

On your text message page?

Dude, I don't have my phone.

When I run the show,

you're fucking showing me.

We work for you.

Oh, Stop.

Do you want to talk to Nick about what we we were talking about before?

What?

Come on, dude.

About putting a union.

You can form a union.

I would fully support you guys forming a union.

We're a union now.

We're local.

69420.

That's fine.

No, what we don't.

Is that what you were doing?

Yeah.

Now I didn't sign anything with your union.

So there's independent contractors.

You can't start a bit by stuff.

You can't put the onus on me to create a bit out of nowhere.

No, that was literally what I wanted to talk about.

You literally guessed the bit.

No, I swear to God.

We have such good chemistry.

I'm just like, oh, what are you talking about, Adam?

You know.

I mean, like,

there are context clues.

Nick was talking about how he's your host.

You're right.

You're right.

Yeah.

I want to talk about Stephen Hawking fucking, though.

Yeah.

So he fucked his maid or some shit, right?

Didn't he fuck his name?

No, his nurse.

Yeah.

She was like speech therapist.

Damn, dude.

Has anyone seen her?

I bet his wife walked in like non-she's a red hole while she's sucking his dick and he's like this is part of the therapy

close the door

she's like get the fucking out of here

this is no more pie i'm just some woman that went to science school with you according to what i remember from that that movie

we watched that together

dude fuck that movie that movie's so i love that i love that all those like scenes where he's like dragging himself up the stairs and it took like you know because it's all montage so it took this family seven years before they're like maybe we should just put the bed downstairs.

They made him drag his fucking shitty body up the stairs every night for years

before they put the fucking bed downstairs.

That movie was garbage.

Yeah, that movie's stuck.

That's how fucking stupid the Academy Awards are.

You can win an Academy Award for just wearing your glasses, stupid.

Yeah.

That was the other thing, too.

That should have disqualified him from

any kind of award for his performance is that Decell being Stephen Hawking, his glasses had to be cockeyed on his face.

And it's like, bitch, his glasses aren't retarded.

Yeah,

it's just.

The rest of him is retarded, not the glasses.

Someone would put those, they would fix his glasses and not have him on his face.

No, they were trying to be like, look at this retard.

He's such a slob.

Yeah, yeah.

He can't even put his glasses on again.

And then they made that Turing movie.

Oh, yeah.

Didn't they like, I didn't see it, but didn't they take out the part that he's gay?

They did.

What?

That's like the whole thing.

That's the whole point of it, is that England

chemically castrated him for being gay.

That happened later.

That happened after he cracked the code.

Oh, I thought that's what the movie moved.

The enigma.

I thought they were doing some kind of like the movie.

The touchy-feely shooting movie.

No, no, no, no, no.

Like, crack the Enigma machine.

Oh, true.

Yeah, yeah.

The code word, you know why they call it the Enigma machine.

Maybe believe they just made it like that.

The Germans are like, we will encode everything with a word that they cannot say, but we can say it as racist.

Well, they were saying it

was state policy.

Dude, of course, I know that.

The Nazis didn't use the N-word.

You know what the N-words were.

I mean, people are like, it wasn't just Jews, they also killed handicapped people in Roma.

It's like, maybe a couple.

No, they killed N-gays.

They killed 5 million other people.

Really?

Yeah.

Yeah, but you have to combine all of them together.

Yeah, the gays, political enemies, Roma, Romanese,

gays.

Well, gay was a big umbrella term back then.

Yeah, it was like artists, intellectuals.

If you talk to them.

Guys who cross their legs that way, where it's

the knee.

Like I'm literally the way you're going to be.

Like, you cross your leg the right way.

You're just smashing my dick right now.

It is a woman's leg.

We've got to give you some

slipper down here.

Tips on power mannerisms.

Look at the way me and Stav are seated.

Yes.

You know, our feet are pointed at you.

You look more powerful than both of you.

Stav's shirt is halfway up his torso.

Look at his sweatpants, they're rolled up.

They're rolling up.

I'm aired out.

Take a picture and put it up on the website.

Yeah, the website.

He's currently getting

bed sores from a brand new pair of pants.

That's a powerful move.

And you can sit down for 45 minutes and come away with what looks like Kirposi sarcoma.

Like somebody glued a bunch of pepperoni to your ass.

That's the kind of guy I am, dude.

I got that type of skin.

I got that power skin.

Oh, man.

How funny is it that you can get hurt from being in bed?

Like if you're enough of a slob, you could actually get injuries from it.

Yeah, that runs counter to what I believe about longevity, which is if you just game forever, eventually they'll invent a new medicine

to cure whatever problem you have.

You just stay in bed gaming and then you don't have to worry about anything.

I'm about to start gaming, dude.

I got that PS4.

Shouts out.

A listener told me that Mafia 3 was bad, so now I don't want to say that.

I'm thinking about buying that PS4 Pro.

You should get it, dude.

What's the pro?

What's the benefit?

It's 4K.

Does 4K TV?

Do they make anything for 4K?

It's like ad, but it's comic.

Is it like DVDs?

What is 4K?

4K is

30.

So you know 1080p?

1080p is like

it's a thousand lines of

like vertical resolution.

4K makes 1080p looks like your mother's asshole.

Yeah,

it's a thousand lines of horizontal resolution.

Whereas 4K is like 2,000 by 3,000 something.

So it's like 4,000 lines of resolution.

It's like four times the resolution of 1080p.

So the little pixels on the screen, they're a quarter of the sizes they would be on a 1080p television.

Okay.

Yeah.

Dude, that bugs me so much.

Pixels.

I can't stand them.

I see them.

I don't know.

The nipples will be smoother.

It looks like a multiple.

I mean, nothing looks as good as film does.

Like, film is still like 70 70 millimeters.

Film looks better than fork.

I think it has a higher resolution.

Yeah, but it's retarded to use film.

To shoot a home video.

Well, I'm talking about home video.

I mean, like a home media.

Sure.

You know, if you want to watch something and have it look good, you want that resolution that high.

You can get close to the original.

What are you looking at?

Nothing.

But yeah, no,

if you get that

$400 PS4, you can get a...

I got that $250.

Yeah, yeah.

Which isn't even $250 anymore.

That was a Black Friday deal.

Oh, really?

Yeah, it's back up to $300.

Oh, nice.

Hell yeah.

Fuck you, Adam.

So for $100 more, you get the 4K one.

True.

Yeah.

Yeah, and you can do it.

They make 4K players.

You should do the podcast over PS4.

I want to play FIFA.

Yeah, dude.

We're sponsored by Gizmodo

and Kotaku.

Imagine having like

imagine the lack of self-respect you have to have to type in kotaku.com and read shit on that website

and then and then even be able to get an erection and masturbate is it gawker that's gawker yeah gawker bought it that sounds like us doing like kotaku yeah yeah that just sounds like being racist all of my news from uh unfuckable faggot.com

it's a video game website

Yeah, dude.

So right now I'm fucking playing FIFA and I don't know what else what are the games to get.

So I don't know.

know, it's basically a $250 FIFA machine.

It literally is.

This is why you can't start playing video games because then all you can talk about is video games.

Yeah.

That's the thing, is they really are the pinnacle of like entertainment.

Entertainment.

Yeah.

Like, it really, like, it's immersive.

And, and, you know, fucking.

You're making decisions.

Ebert was right.

It's not art.

And, like, people fucking get, like, they're like, oh, fuck.

This isn't art.

This isn't fucking art.

And it's like, no, it's literally you wasting your entire life.

Like, nobody, there's nobody out there that, like, smells bad because, and can't fuck because they watch too many movies.

Right.

You know,

you can argue with me about that.

I'm right.

You know?

There's probably, I mean, yeah, that's true.

Yeah.

I know people that

are movie.

Yeah.

They don't stab their shit together.

Yeah.

But no, it's just.

My friend had to repeat a year of college because of Call of Duty.

Right.

That shit doesn't fucking happen with people that like, you know, I got way too into music.

I started listening to too much music.

I listened to the white album for 48 hours straight, and I missed my final.

Yeah, my parents are pissed because I looked at too many paintings

last semester.

I had to fucking repeat a semester.

You have the bug, though.

If you get going, he does have a bug.

Well, with literally everything.

HIV, yeah, yeah.

No, but I mean, I can't do cocaine.

I can't drink.

Yeah, yeah.

Eating.

Like, if I buy a box of Oreos, I'll eat the entire fucking thing.

But if I, if you can reach out to me, if you're Call of Duty, you just, like, sit down.

Yeah, I wasted six months of my life on Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2.

That's why I had to stop playing video games.

Damn.

I made enough money to quit my day job and just focus on comedy, and I did nothing of the sort.

I would fucking wake up at 3 p.m.

I would go to the beer store.

I would get three tacos and a 12-pack, and I would sit there and I would drink and play Call of Duty until like four o'clock in the morning and then pass out and do it again.

That sounds pretty awesome, though.

It fucking ruled.

That is the best thing you could do.

It fucking ruled.

God, it was so awesome.

It doesn't sound right.

It does, you fucking nerd yeah sounds fucking like like falling in love

holding holding your lover's hand in a sunset yeah the touch of a woman i'd love to slap you this end of a woman come here let me slap you all right dude look at my power stance dude are you gonna are you gonna not let me slap you you can literally see the outline of your penis when your legs aren't crossed

that's not his penis no it is just the whole ball food everything yeah i see your testicle your dick

You're going to give it a little suck.

You're in commando.

Not today, but I do in these sometimes.

I think Peter's deserving.

I bought some great Reebok sweatpants at DJs

with my mother.

You have such an interesting body.

Yeah, it is.

You really have the proportions of a baby.

But like a jack.

You know what's funny?

You're reading Blood Meridian, right?

Like when they describe the judge and how he has a baby's features.

And it's like, oh, that's stop.

Yeah, but

I'm like, but I got the cost.

But the judge is cool.

You're not cool like the judge.

No, I'm cool.

I can squat a lot.

So.

What's the last time you hit a squat rack?

I mean, it's been a while, but like, if I did, it would be a lot.

What was it, like, a Ford F-150?

Like, 6,000.

Ooh.

Yeah, I put a couple of people.

There was some fucking, when I was in community college, I was taking automotive technology, and there was this kid that, like, you know,

I guess

the way to classify him would be skateboard shoes fat.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, those guys

who are like Etneys, but they're like 400 pounds.

Like, somehow sagging their pants over their giant ass.

Like, oh, the pants are too big for me.

It's like, where did you even find some 96 waist,

you know, fucking dickies or whatever?

But it was one of those guys.

And we were talking about the gym, and he was like,

he's like, I'm actually like surprisingly strong.

Like, a lot of people don't think that I'm like in good shape or whatever, but I went to the gym and like, you know, my legs are really strong.

And I lifted, I swear to God, not even lying, a thousand pounds.

Which he could have, he could have very well.

What does he mean by that?

He probably means like the fucking leg press shit,

which literally anyone can do.

It's not hard.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Especially if you're using the wrong form.

Yeah, you're just like using all your weight.

Well, you know who leg presses 2,000 pounds?

Pat Robertson.

Really?

Yeah, at age.

The guy from

700?

At age fucking.

Well, that's why the show is called the 700 Club.

Because 30 years ago, he fucking squatted 700 pounds.

And it was originally a weightlifting show.

It was a powerlifting show.

But then he lost one of his testicles to steroids and he found God.

And then it became about shaming minorities.

And people who want to get abortions.

No, he liked leg presses like 2,000 pounds.

He's like a leg press machine in his basement.

He has like videos of him leg pressing.

So does it just not do anything for you then?

No, not really.

I mean, it does something.

If you read gym blogs, like, they're all fucking, you know, everything's like black and white with like any kind of gym blogging where they're like, if you don't squat, you're a fucking pussy.

You're a faggot.

You deserve to get AIDS.

You know, if it's, if you have some kind of condition where you have to use the leg press machine, or if that's the only thing available to you, they work fine.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, I remember I used to do that shit for that exact reason in high school.

I could lift anything.

Like my lower, my upper body is just fucking terrible.

But I was just like, oh, yeah, I'll just do the leg press to feel cool.

Yeah.

And it would be like, put another plate on.

I was like, yeah, hell yeah.

I'm strong.

It didn't.

I was fucking weak.

Yeah.

Well, you're still weak.

No, I'm strong now.

Focus on that.

I'm strong now.

I almost did 10.

I did 10 push-ups today, boys.

10?

I'm on the

100 push-ups.

100 push-ups, man.

Yeah.

You're never going to get there.

Maybe I will.

The most I've ever been able to do in one set is 65.

Okay.

Well, I will get to this.

How about this?

I'll get to 69.

It's fucking really hard.

It's really worth it.

After 50 it's after 50 gets really hard to add reps.

Okay, well I'll get to 69.

Yeah.

You know, and I'm pushing up like 10 pounds.

Yeah, what the fuck?

You weigh how much do you weigh Adam?

A Holocaust.

115.

Holocaust.

19 pounds.

Like a Bergen-Belsen.

Why the fuck are pounds?

You know what?

My dumbass roommate one time said out loud.

He goes like, oh, that guy probably weighs like 300 LBs.

And it was kind of like an Eric-y sort of thing.

Yeah.

Yeah, and why are they called that?

Well, then what was confusing to me is that

the pound symbol looks like a cursive L, right?

Yeah.

And then the dollar symbol is an S with lines through it.

So I thought the L B's was because of the pound symbol, but that obviously was just a connection I made in my child brand.

Yeah.

That I probably.

Well, what the fuck does the S stand for?

I thought it stood for Scrooge as in Scrooge McDock.

Yep.

S

for the dollar sign?

Skrilla.

Skrill X.

I have no idea.

Skrill Skrillex.

It's stupid.

It's fucked up.

I want to know why.

Trump should really change that.

That's something you should look into.

Okay.

Well, we're out of time, I guess.

There's nothing else I really wanted to bring up other than these

new MacBooks.

Oh, yeah.

How's it going, buddy?

Oh, yeah, I got one, actually.

You didn't get the touchpad, though.

No, no.

I got

the lower tier, whatever the MacBook is now.

Did you say they got a new Star Wars movie that they came in?

Yeah, Rogue.

Yeah, Rogue One.

What the fuck is that?

They're stealing the planet.

It's between New Hope and then Episode 3.

Oh, that's where they get the plans for the Death Star.

Well, I saw the trailer for it.

I thought it was the next one, and there's like shots of the Death Star.

I'm like, come on.

Fucking star.

Yeah, Narth Vader's in it again.

They're like, remember the Death Star?

Well, this time, check this out.

They got a Super Death Star.

We got

a lot of changes for you.

This time, R2D2, now he's a cone

instead of a fucking ball.

We've got Girl Chewbacca.

Bad guy's lightsaber is a

thing Xena used to throw.

They just change the lightsaber.

Yeah, yeah.

They make somebody a girl or a black guy.

Mace Windu.

Mace Windu.

Only purple lightsaber for a Jedi.

Only purple lightsaber for a Jedi or something.

Yeah, because he just asked

what he demanded.

He demanded he wanted a purple lightsaber.

He actually thought it was grape juice flavored.

That's why he wanted it to be purple.

I want the purple one.

Grape drink.

You know, I was at the comedy store in L.A.

one time, and I was doing this,

it was like the open mic, so I was like trying to work out a thing about how like people get as mad about sexism as they do racism and they talk about it in the same way, which is like kind of unfair.

Because I mean, not that like sexism is okay, but if you're a heterosexual, you have this like biological impulse to interact with people of the opposite sex, and it puts you into fucked up situations where, you know, it's not like I have an organ that tells me to fucking like live with a black guy I fight with constantly,

you know, where I'm having to deal with his bullshit complaints.

Like, hey, Nick,

Nick.

I'm like, what is it?

And he goes, what color am I?

Won't let me see him.

I don't have to deal with that.

Is it not a bad bit?

It's not a bad bit, but this black guy goes up after me and he was like, well, that was some racist bullshit, huh?

All black people talk like that.

And he's like, talking like that.

And he's also wearing a shirt for grape soda as he's saying this.

It's like, you can't, you've got to be kidding.

That's That's awesome.

Yeah.

God damn it.

Well, he just didn't follow the logic.

Clearly.

Well, they have problems with that.

Well, you know, they do.

And then he goes, he's like, anyways, you know what?

How many of y'all like sex?

That'd be great.

All right.

Hold on.

Shouts out to the Comeboys.

They came out to Magoobi's Joke House.

Oh, yeah.

Thank you for coming out, bros.

Thank you for Come Town fans.

Yeah, and actually,

we're doing well enough now that we could put together a tour.

All three of us are professional comics.

I have enough

connections to actually do.

I would prefer to do like a small East Coast thing, but

hit us up if you know about venues on the East Coast and that kind of shit.

Let's do like rock clubs.

Yeah, there's a couple I know already, but

that would be fine.

Saw has a gum on his ship.

Yeah.

What?

Saw's actually filled with gum.

He's not fat.

He's a gumball machine.

I'm the bubble boy.

He didn't know you couldn't swallow gum until he was 13 years old.

Just stays in your colon.

Is that true?

That gummy isn't true.

It's not true.

No chance.

She pulls it out the next day.

It's not true.

It has to be.

Let's eat nothing but gum and see what our shits look like.

That's what happened.

That's how the Mythbusters died.

Really?

They had a cum eating episode.

They're like, Jamie says that I can't live off of his cum.

Do you that episode of that guy's asshole?

Or that picture of that guy's asshole?

No.

Is that a fake?

What are you talking about?

Like the Mythbusters guy holding his asshole open?

The Goatsy?

No, no, not Goatsy.

Yeah, actually, the guy that goatsy was the guy.

Was Adam from Mythbuster?

Jamie has the most interesting look.

That fucking like.

Beret mustache.

Oh, no, it was the guy with the mustache.

Yeah, the mustache guy.

Jamie's asshole.

I think that picture's out there.

Those guys are like, they're like the kind of guys that would be friends with Walter White in real life.

Walter was real.

That's who they would hang out with.

It's the cool guys of the hobby store.

Right, right.

Like, if you just get old enough, people will forget that you were a nerd your entire life.

Like, I have a mustache now.

I've got to to be cool.

I've got earrings, yeah,

things that are horrible.

Yeah, old men with like fresh earrings.

Yeah,

we've already filled the time.

I feel like, but this is like we're having fun though, so I don't know if we should cut it off or we're not gonna have fun once you hit unrecord because, in real life, we hate each other's guts, we're not even best friends with each other.

Yeah, it's actually important to say that.

That's why everyone was so mad at Opie and Anthony when they split up is because they pretended like they were friends.

That's what Jim explained us.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it's smart for Jim to do that because I went on Jim and Sam and he made it very clear that he had no interest in anything.

Yeah.

Nick fucked my wife.

I fucked your wife.

Zav had this fucking investment thing that I put a bunch of money into.

Yeah,

it was a Ponzi scheme.

And he fucked me over.

I'm fucking broke as shit, but now we just sit with when the microphones go on, then we're friends again.

That's called show business, folks.

Yeah, we're professionals.

All right, well, I'm gonna cut it off.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, thanks, guys.

I was sipping my latte when my friend gasped.

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