Ep. 29 – Customer Service

Ready to take advantage of an incredible deal at Mazda?

September is the final month of eligibility for federal $7,500 electric vehicle lease cash on the new Mazda CX70 and CX90 plug-in hybrid.

All Mazda current inventory is unaffected by new tariffs.

See your local Mazda dealer for details.

$7,500 electric vehicle lease cash offer expires at the end of September.

Don't miss out.

$7,500 lease customer cash good toward 2025 CX70 PHEV and CX90 PHEV when leasing through Mazda Financial Services.

Lease customer cash can be be combined with other public offers, including lease incentive offers.

Lease customer cash cannot be combined with APR or other customer cash offers.

Lease customer cash is not redeemable as cash or cash back option.

Lease customer cash is only available on approved credit.

Not all customers will qualify for credit approval or offer.

Limit one discount per customer per vehicle.

Lease customer cash offer only available in United States regardless of buyer's residency.

Void reprohibited.

Apply within the lease structure as a capital cost reduction.

Lease customer cash is only available on participating Mazda dealer's current inventory, which is subject to availability.

Offer ends 9:30-2025, and you must take delivery prior to the expiration of offer.

See participating Mazda dealer for complete details.

This NFL season, every moment counts.

It's the ultimate season to score, powered by TCL, the official TV partner of the NFL.

And believe me, football has never looked better.

Picture this.

Kick off on a massive 75-inch TCL QD mini LED TV.

The brightness is stunning.

The colors explode with intensity.

And the motion is so smooth.

You'll feel like you're on the sidelines.

Whether it's touchdowns, movies, or gaming marathons, TCL delivers performance that brings it all to life.

TCL makes it easier than ever to upgrade with savings up to 50% off select models.

Don't just watch the game, own it.

TCL is the official TV partner of the NFL, available at all major retailers.

Visit tcl.com for details.

That's tcl.com.

TCL, the ultimate season to score.

This is a letter to the editors.

Longtime Cometown fan, Seth Dickfield, here.

And I would just like to say that I am outraged at the last episode.

There were zero jokes.

It was all arguing.

And that's not why I listened to the podcast.

I spend $5 a month on this show.

You have any idea how much money that is?

First of all, think of it in terms of pennies.

That's like 5,000 pennies.

You know what I how long it would take me to enjoy each and every one of those pennies?

How do you enjoy a penny?

I'd say you give it twenty minutes each before I come in my pants from holding a penny.

Times five thousand.

We're talking about a lifetime

that I wasted on that terrible episode.

We got a lot of complaints about it.

Well, Kurt's back.

Yeah, Kurt's back.

So, hey, Kurt.

Oh, hey, good.

It's not Kurt's fault.

I guess it's not like, you know, it was just, it was fucking last minute.

We had a shitty.

Yeah.

It's like 11:30 a fucking night.

Yeah.

I don't want to throw Kurt's, like, I still, Kurt's one of the best comics

in the city.

He's an amazing comic.

He's a very good comic.

But if we just had a boring conversation, the problem is, is like, I didn't,

I uh,

you know, I felt bad about all doing all those premium episodes where I'm like, yeah, we're just gonna do us.

And I like didn't bother to get any guests.

Because early on, I was, I was getting pretty big guests.

Nice guests.

Yeah.

We could still do it.

Who cares?

Bonnie was good.

You know, the Norton one got there, wasn't too many jokes in that.

The problem with the Norton one is like anytime I'd say anything that I was trying to joke, Jim would be like, what do you mean by that?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like,

I was kidding.

But

no,

why it's actually good that people don't like that is because now it justifies never getting guests again.

Yeah, they lost, the listener lost their privilege.

Right.

And look, no, it's not the listener didn't lose their privilege.

It was their fault.

It was more than anything.

It's Adam's fault.

Yeah.

That was a test.

That was a test.

You were supposed to be kicked off the show.

That was a test to see if you could handle it without me, if

you instead of me.

One's got to go, Adam.

$5,000, we promised the listeners.

Well, I'm off the show, but I'm just here right now.

You're our guest.

Adam's actually just our guest.

Well, that's how it initially worked.

You were supposed to be back, boy.

You were supposed to be the guest the first time.

That first time we had you on, you were just the guest.

Yeah.

The first episode, this was just supposed to be my show, and Stav was the guest.

That is fun.

That is true.

And then we kept adding people.

Yeah, you asked me on the podcast if I want to do a podcast.

Yeah,

that's how we got engaged.

It was a surprise.

I had a big kiss cam.

I had a kiss cam broadcasting in Stav's apartment, and I said, do you want to be on the podcast?

And he's like, don't do this to me in public.

That's how it happened.

So, and then Stav's got, like, you got one more road date.

And then, yeah, we're coming.

And I'm jealous.

I want to go down.

We should fucking, we should do a little tour.

Yeah.

Well, I just want, I want some feature weekends.

Yeah.

I got a headline in like two months.

I just need where you do it, where?

Cap City.

Oh, nice.

Yeah.

Work on that.

You should try and book some shit in there.

That was a fun trip to D.C.

last time.

That was a lot of fun.

Hold on.

Me and Adam, we were laughing about

one of the hidden gems in D.C.

is when you go to the Lincoln Memorial and you see people doing it, they think those are the Rocky steps.

I love it.

And it's always like Indian guys.

It's like, Vikram!

Vikram, get look at me.

I am like the movie star rug man.

Vikram, take picture.

Yeah, people always get it wrong in Philly, too.

They do the city hall instead of the art museum.

There's not big steps at City Hall, though.

I don't know.

Maybe I'm like 12.

You said that because somebody called the Art Museum City Hall.

That's right.

They do the right steps, but they don't know what that fucking building is.

I saw a clip of Rocky without the music running up those steps, and it sucks, dick.

It's just very good.

It's just like some guy running up steps and like grunting.

Dude, I was in Philly one time and I saw a guy doing the Rocky steps, which is already just like, I don't understand how you have, you can embarrass yourself to that degree.

It's crazy.

You know, that's like.

Was he in sweats?

Yes, that was what I was going with.

That he was wearing the outfit.

He had like the scully,

dude.

Just some completely out of shape, middle-aged Italian guy.

He's like, yeah, like in the movie.

I'm like Rocky from the movie.

He stops halfway to drink a cup of marinara sauce.

Yeah.

Just powers himself to the finish line.

Yeah.

Italians, stop pretending like you know anything about exercise.

You don't.

You don't fucking know shit about it.

You're all on steroids.

You do some garbage five-day split and do your steroids.

They do get jacked, though.

I'll give them that.

What does it do?

Steroids.

If I did steroids, would I get jacked?

No, because you wouldn't go to the gym.

Maybe I would.

How often would I need to go to the gym on steroids to get jacked?

Like once crazy thing?

Well, I mean, you don't really.

Yeah, if you put together like a little four-day split and started doing steroids, you could probably get in pretty good shape.

Dude, fuck yeah.

Where do I get steroids?

Do you actually talk to the guido at my old gym who would give people he would I saw him one time he had the guy doing like the sample like uh you know the sample session.

This is you know, not a guy that's maybe he was his client, but it was his first fucking day.

Oh, he was a personal trainer.

He's a personal trainer, this like meat head personal trainer who was really dismissive and shitty to all his clients.

Just like

douchebag, bro.

And he was like training this like, you know, dude the whole day.

And then towards the end of the day, I hear him, too.

And I hear him talking to the guy.

He's like, you know, honestly, like, you know, I'm not going to lie.

Like, yeah, I did cycle, but just to get to where I am.

And now I just maintain.

And now I just maintain

what I built up by doing this, by cycling.

Yes.

So

to be completely honest with you,

if I'm being completely honest with you, yes.

and then like, I'm like, I well, I don't know why you would just advertise that.

If I tell your clients, like, those are the, that's the one group of people who should lie about using steroids as personal trainers.

Absolutely.

Professional athletes, I guess, because there's like a legal issue there.

But if you're like a professional wrestler or some shit or fucking bodybuilder, like everyone knows you're not fucking, you know, you're allowed to use drugs.

Right.

They don't just say that you use drugs.

But a personal trainer, I just, you know, there's no reason to fucking advertise that.

And then, like, you know, maybe 45 minutes later, I heard him again.

He's like, well, you know, for someone your size, I would recommend, you know, maybe like, maybe just a very short cycle.

He's like telling the guy how to do steroids.

Like 110 pounds.

Yeah.

And he was like, he was like, yeah, it was some fucking guy in his late 30s who probably made a bunch of money in finance or whatever.

Right, right, right.

And he's like,

trying to go from date rape shape to regular rape shape shape.

Now, now I'm guessing

I'm going to be a different kind of douchebag.

Now that I've made my money.

But the only time I ever saw that guy ever get excited about any one of his clients, he was like training this six foot five, six foot six, like

this kid with like Eldis's body,

but even bigger, like a pear-shaped man.

Right, right, right.

So a man with a woman's hips.

Yeah, well, he had a huge ass.

But so, like, he was very naturally strong due to his huge ass.

So, you know, he had this like dopey-looking baby Huey kid in there.

And the kid was like, you know, his first day in the gym deadlifting 500 pounds.

And so

he had the kid doing like, you know, like deadlifts with like six plates on the bar and shit.

And the trainer's just like, yeah, boy.

You know, like every rep, he's like, yeah, come on, get it.

Yeah, boy.

Man.

And then they were going like set for set on the fucking leg press machine and just like maxing out with like a thousand pounds.

He's like, yeah, that's fucking, that's fucking 1,500 pounds right there.

And he was like screaming at the guy.

He just shatters his fucking skin.

This is like a small neighborhood jam.

That's so funny.

Dude, the fact that fucking douches were using Flavor Flav Lingo is so funny.

I remember the yeah boy.

Yeah, it became a borat kind of thing.

Absolutely.

And boy, did I...

That was a funny show, though.

And I loved.

Flavor of Love?

I loved fucking.

Yeah, I beat off to almost every woman on that show, I would say.

What?

Yeah, for sure.

Hoops is my favorite.

Hoops.

Oh, yeah.

Hoops is awesome.

You know, she was dating Shaq.

She She was Shaquille O'Neal.

Hoops, who's like five, whatever, four, and like a small, yeah,

like, you know how big Shaq's cock is, dude?

It's probably

pretty big.

Shaq is 7-4, right?

7-2.

7-2 and 7-1, yeah.

She probably got a nice fat hog, dude.

Yeah, you've seen it.

You've seen that picture of Kevin Hart and Shaq, right?

Yeah, yes.

Can you imagine

what he did to Kevin Hart's asshole?

Kevin Hart making his like his comedy face.

Apparently, Kevin Hart's got a real big dick.

Yeah.

How tall is he?

He's like three foot four.

Yeah.

He's three four.

Three four.

He's in great shape.

You guys never beat off anyone on Flavor of Love?

No.

No.

Come on.

It's just you.

Are you kidding?

No, no.

You actually beat off these people.

You just thought they were hot.

That's like a huge difference.

Definitely would look like.

I'm not lying, dude.

How'd fucking dare you?

How fucking dare you?

I don't think you beat off to these unbeatable offable things dude you can't beat off to a naked picture of hoops she had some nudes out there dude all right I didn't know about that yeah everyone I beat off to has nudes or fake nudes yeah I can't who the fuck is beating off to fake nudes sometimes for old time's sake dude you got to be sometimes I know even when like old time's sake there was never a you never beat off to fake nudes no I'd be like this is bullshit you're 11 years old no well you know maybe I did by accident because I didn't I didn't know exactly but I mean it became pretty clear pretty quickly which ones were real and which ones were fake.

All I'm saying is...

Beating off the fake nudes when you're an adult is like if you still, if you, as an adult in your apartment by yourself, like, wrote presents from Santa.

You're like, what did Santa get me this year?

Yeah, sometimes.

The family's dead, they don't speak to you anymore.

Just open the wrapping.

It's like, oh, it's a box set full of nudes

of the cast of Gilmore Girls.

It's all the Gilmore girls nudes.

Thank you, Sandy.

Sandy Moore smiling while some guy's fucking her.

There's nine dicks surrounding Dakota Famine's face.

Thank you so much, Santa's elves in your Photoshop workshop.

Look, I'm not saying I finish to fake nudes, but you know, as a, you know, I'm stroking my dick for a while.

It's an appetizer.

I'll search, you know, and I'll be like, oh, that's fun.

There's still titties.

I guess beating off is more utilitarian for me at this point.

It's something I have to do three or four times a day so I don't kill myself.

What do you beat off to?

You've never admitted what you beat off to.

Just whatever on fucking X videos?

Yeah.

You know, first page, maybe second page.

Sometimes I'll go just hit, go in there deep just to see what we got.

Get crazy with it.

Get 14, 14, 22.

I beat off, you know what I've been eaten off to lately?

The beginnings of pornos where they like first get naked.

You're.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Yeah,

you know what I beat off to you guys?

The interview where they're like on the side of the road and the bank bus guys are offering them.

I beat off to all the things.

I beat off to all the legal disclaimers at the beginning about the Office of Record Keeping.

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Miami, Florida.

There's a job.

There's like some fucking state government job.

You get fucking 60 grand a year to just sit around and be like, what's that?

Oh, that girl?

Yeah, she's 18.

All right, thanks.

And that's all you do.

You just make sure that the people getting fucked on camera aren't children.

That's a good job.

That's a cool job.

Yeah.

Could I get that?

Can I play comedy and get that job?

Yeah.

All I'm saying is sometimes, you know, the first time, you know, it's fun to see some titties pop out of a shirt.

Well, for the longest time when I was a kid, I used to beat off to like HBO stuff late at night.

And then the naked boobies thing that was on all the time was the fucking

Sammy Kubarik.

Well, there was Real Sex, which was like.

Real sex sucked.

Which was a documentary about sex.

Yeah.

Unless he's sexy people.

Fat hippies.

Unless it's me.

That's the thing, man.

I really can't fucking stand sex nerds.

I don't know what else to do.

Oh, I know exactly what you're saying.

She said I was on a date, and a girl said, oh, my ex-boyfriend was a real sex nerd.

He just loves fucking masturbation.

Well, no, it's 90%

of what doesn't have sex.

90% of the time, a sex nerd is like a fat woman that loves masturbating.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

That's she.

Oh, oh, I'm like a, I'm like a very sexual person.

One of those aunts that gets you some appropriate wedding gifts.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

Anal beads.

Well, I hooked up with a girl who said she was in Baltimore.

She's like, oh, I'm a sex nerd.

And I think it's like, I really do think it's like autistic people because it like makes sex like a series of rules.

Like they're all like dominatrixes and shit like that.

And like, there's no emotion in it.

It's just like, oh, what do you enjoy having sex?

And then it's like, it was weird.

I hate being asked that question straight up.

It's like, can we just fuck?

Yeah, right.

I'm in the same boat.

Do I have to ask for

like when you suck my penis?

It feels weird.

And then she did suck my dick.

It was cool.

But,

you know, it was real.

You had to ask questions?

Yeah.

And also,

she was real bummed.

She was like in an open relationship or whatever.

And

she broke up with her boyfriend who was by or something because they like

they like met some dude at a bar and he brought

they would like bring people back and fuck them together or whatever and she was like look i don't really feel like fucking this dude uh so we can just hang out or whatever but no fucking and then she goes to the bathroom and she comes back and her boyfriend's getting her dick sucked by this guy they just met in a bar so the boyfriend's just gay probably yeah yeah but i mean that's so fucking funny you leave and you come back and someone's a man is sucking your boyfriend's dick you're like i told you you can't get your dick sucked by a man unless you're a bad i was dating a girl a couple years ago and she came home one night and she was like, Oh, I got so wasted at the party.

And I was like, I fuck these like two girls or whatever.

And I'm like, Yeah, I don't care, but you should have like asked.

Yeah, yeah.

Just assume that you can just go fuck other people.

Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah.

I mean, good for you.

That's although I would like to fucking date a girl who fucks girls.

Yeah.

I date a lot of them.

Pretty much.

Stop bragging.

Well, in

a lot of them.

Well, I date a lot of girls that were

from the all-hoes' lesbians school of thought.

You know what I'm saying?

No, like a lot of girls that were just dating a girl that kind of looked like me.

Right, right.

I've been in that position multiple times.

I think we both could be in that position.

Yeah.

If I put on a bowling shirt, we look like 90% of lesbians.

I'm like a good transition back into cock.

It's not that scary of a penis.

It's like a

starter cock.

It's a welcoming penis.

Absolutely.

If you're afraid of them, it's like not that.

It's not scary.

We're both very gentle boys.

That's why with lesbians,

I really split the room with lesbians.

When I meet them, they either

absolutely

hate me.

They fucking hate me.

Of course.

Or they love me.

And a lot of them hate me because I think some of them see me as a threat competitive.

There's like a trans coffee shop

in my old neighborhood, like a trans lesbian bookstore coffee shop.

And I would go in there to get coffee sometimes, and I really felt like a fucking OSS agent in East Germany.

You know, like a dunk

one

coffee schnitzel.

Donka.

Were you always dressed.

Was that in your fucking sea captain?

Yeah.

Well, I know.

I would wear an SS outfit

to blend in.

That's what I meant by I felt like

an OSS agent.

I was in that coffee shop when I first moved to New York, and I remember

it was just me and these two lesbians that were breaking up with each other, and I noticed in the middle of it that we were all wearing the same pair of Teva sandals.

Six Tevas.

I love that shit.

I think I already said this before, but when I dropped my lesbian cousin off at a Burning Man Potluck,

there were literally five Subaru hatchbacks.

It might have been six.

Had to.

Just there.

That was awesome.

That rape victim clown I used to live with brought me to a Burning Man party one time.

It was Burning Man friends.

And I heard the gayest shit I've ever heard in my entire life in the backyard.

There's some like fucking snooty douchebag from like, I don't know, the fucking Bay Area.

Yeah.

You know, in the backyard.

And he's like...

Very cuntily saying to this girl he's there with, he's like, you know, the thing that I've noticed is like West Coast burners are like more sort of free spirit, you know, like sort of chill people.

Whereas East Coast burners are like, it's very like Wren Fest vibe.

You know?

And

it took everything in my head not to just be like, no, you're also a faggot.

That's what you're trying to say?

Is that everyone here is a faggot.

You especially, actually, because you're somehow a snob about being a faggot.

But no, make no mistake.

Yeah, you're absolutely a piece of shit.

Truly gay.

Yeah, fuck, fuck it.

I mean, I don't think anyone thinks Burning Man is cool at this point.

I I have a friend who thinks it's really cool.

Trevor thinks it's very cool.

Yeah, he goes every year.

That makes sense.

It's just, but here, the problem with fucking Burning Man is just like, it's people who are like, oh, yeah, it's just like there's no economy.

And it's like, you just trade goods and shit.

Not anymore.

Now there's like rich people tenants.

Yeah, now it's all

Silicon Valley.

Right.

They all fucking go in there and they spend, oh, there's no economy, but you spend like $14,000 to make a restaurant for three days.

Yeah, it's like, oh, it's like anarchy.

And then a couple of years ago, some guy set the Burning Man on fire early and they called the police on him.

They had him arrested.

What a bunch of fucking pussies.

No.

Yeah.

Yeah, fuck Burning Man.

No, we just want a different society.

Like, this is.

It addresses all the problems in society by making the people who are gay empowered

instead of people we disagree with.

They have to be gay and white and rich.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Fuck Burning Man.

Burning Man fucking sucks.

That's All the friends I had as a teenager were all like that.

They loved music festivals.

That's almost acceptable as a fucking 15-year-old, though.

Yeah, I know, but they didn't grow out of it.

Right, right, right.

It'd be funny.

I've said this a million times before, but it'd be funny to go to Burning Man dressed as Bernie Mac and be like, now what the hell is this?

That'd be a good day.

I ain't even his foolishness.

I thought this was the Berning Mac Festival.

How do you dress like Bernie Mac?

I don't know.

So you just mean your blackface.

Yeah, you'd have to be full blackface and then linen

pants.

Yeah.

Linen shirt.

Oh, you should get the outfit from the I Ain't Scared of You motherfucker.

Oh, of course.

Yes.

The airbrushed pants with his face on them.

That is quite the outfit.

Fuck.

Now, how many of y'all like sex?

Woo!

I do.

It's like I'm celibate.

Boys, I decided I'm not fucking anymore.

It's a choice.

Yeah.

And if anybody wants to to fuck me, they can try, but it's not going to end up the way you want.

I like that.

I like that.

That's my use stand.

I'm playing hard to get on the world.

Yeah.

I would stop having sex if I could just not have acid reflux for

every day of my fucking life.

What have you been eating, bro?

I don't know.

I drank a quart of milk last night before bed.

And that didn't help?

Is that supposed to help?

No.

A quart?

Yeah.

That's a lot of milk.

Isn't that shit basic or whatever?

I don't feel like.

No, I woke up with like searing stomach pain again.

And like it kept me up for like 30 minutes.

And then I woke up this morning.

I'm like almost throwing up in my mouth.

Damn, maybe you can't eat that fucking dairy, bro.

Yeah.

I was doing a fun little open mic bit last couple of weeks about how acid reflux sounds like way too cool for what it is.

Sounds like a hacker from the future.

And it just means you throw up in your mouth.

Yeah, acid reflux sounds like a cool mango.

I get it from drinking

and cocaine.

Doing cocaine?

Yeah.

I get it from smoking cigarettes at night.

And smoking cigarettes.

And also going to bed on a cookie.

Yeah, I've never had it.

I've never had acid reflux or heartburn of any kind.

I mean, the thing is, my diet's been shit forever.

I'm like, I don't understand.

I didn't change my diet.

I continue to smoke.

And

I don't do blow.

I know, dude.

I had such a depressing realization that it's like,

like in my head, I was like, you know what?

I'm never going to not be fat, whatever.

But then I was like, oh, wait a second.

I don't have to, like, you know, I was like, oh, I'm not gonna try and lose weight, whatever.

But it's like, your body just keeps getting worse.

There's no, like, I'm gonna have to do work to just maintain being like sort of fat instead of like, oh, really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's gonna fuck up your ankles and your hips, too.

Yeah, you're gonna be like, you're like a golden retriever.

Yeah.

Damn, I'd love to be a French Bulldog.

I'm an English Bulldog.

Who's kidding who?

You're a Chihuahua with a

dick in its mouth at him.

A chihuahua?

Yeah, and you're a

gay

other dog.

Yeah,

woo woo, you got him, dude.

I'm all a hundred and one of the Dalmatians.

I'm every single one of them.

Fuck, I don't know about dogs enough to make this joke.

I just picked Chihuahua because it was the gayest dog I ever.

Poodle, Poodle's gayer.

They had that website where you could plug you could put somebody's face in and it told you what dog you were.

Really?

Yeah, and we put I put in Carly Fiorina and it came back with Collie, which is great because that's what all the fucking mass holes were calling her.

Callie.

At the Carly Fiorina rally in New Hampshire when I was there.

They're like, where's Collie?

We came here to see Collie.

Put her face in.

I love that you can just be a rich person and then like run for president as a Republican.

Wow.

Fuck.

Yeah.

You love it?

I mean, you love Trump.

I think it's funny that, but then I said that in a world, thinking about a world where they like forgot Trump.

I keep forgetting he's president.

You do all the time.

Although those Mitt Romney pics were so awesome.

Amazing.

It's like, he just got caught with a side bitch look on his face.

That's

Mitt Romney.

Yeah, the poor, handsome, rich.

Yeah.

Well, no,

it's like, you know, when a guy gets fucked in jail and then he has to become the wife.

No, actually,

I enjoy being in this position.

Why is he?

It actually, it feels good to be Mrs.

Trump.

It's powerful.

It's powerful.

Why does he give a fuck?

He's rich.

He's out of public life.

Why does he have to hang out with Trump?

Why does he want to?

Because you get a lot of fucking money

by doing

speeches and shit after you're out of office.

You can make a shit ton of money.

No, but why is he fucking hanging out with Trump?

Why does he just go fucking speak it like, you know, he could be like the...

You never can have enough money.

Yeah, you're right.

Dude, look at this.

Because of this podcast, I am now literally a thousand air.

You know, I mean,

we're making okay money.

We're in a steady clip.

I bought a new laptop the other day.

Did you?

Yeah.

What did you get?

One of those small MacBooks.

Oh, the cheap one.

Oh, you got one?

Yeah, I'll get one.

I got a cheap one.

Because I needed my laptop.

How much was it?

Like $16,000?

Yeah, it's about that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I bought a damn PS4, baby.

Yeah.

And a blender, bitch.

But now, now the next thing I got to buy is

I need a Toyota GT86.

You know?

You said that's $26,000.

So looks like I'm going to have to double my money.

And then once I get that.

What's after that?

A fucking blimp.

I got to buy a fucking Zeppelin to fly around Manhattan and throw pennies at orphans.

What happened with blimps?

I think they just exploded a little bit.

The Hindenburg explodes.

I don't fucking know exactly what happened.

No, no, no.

So like the Hindenburg explodes.

And before the Hindenburg, they were like, this is how people are going to get around.

But it goes real slow.

Like, why do they think that was a good idea for how people were going to get around?

It's very comfortable.

I mean, it's like

boats didn't go out of out of fashion.

People still take cruises.

And then they're like, no, we're going to only have them, but for sports now?

It's because

it's because of the lifting gas used in a lot of the blimps that caused, like, the Hindenburg disaster was

hydrogen.

They had to use hydrogen because only the U.S.

had access to helium.

And during the war, we weren't giving helium to the rest of the world.

So all like, like most non-U.S.

blimps were using hydrogen as a lifting gas, which is really dangerous, which is what caused the Hindenburg to explode.

And then that sort of destroyed the market for it elsewhere.

And then the U.S.

eventually stopped.

What were they doing with the helium?

Were they like prank calling Hitler in really high voices?

That was it.

That would have been fun.

No, but I mean, that's like the one thing I get annoyed with.

I think that would have gone a little bit.

You see people riding like dumbass motor or or or like bicycles and shit.

And there's like

every type of technology comes back.

All these steampunk assholes, but they don't bring back the best one,

which is a full-size like ZL1 Graf Zeppelin, which I would love to.

With the swastika, by the way.

Of course, absolutely.

You have to.

It is so funny to see something so like fun and benevolent looking and then having a fucking swastika.

No, I'm telling you, man.

Like if I had enough money, the two things I would want is to live in a big Nazi Zeppelin above Manhattan

where no one, there's no rules up there.

It's, yeah, it's like international air.

Yeah.

How far up do you have to go?

I would just literally

sit up there and I would fucking gamble and I'd cut children.

You'd wear an iPod

with child pornography.

I don't even like the shit.

It's just fucking how much money I got, but I'm using child porn as toilet baby.

Emptying the toilet that's in the sky all over the city.

Oh, that's cool.

Yeah, yeah, like Dave Matthews band, uh, I guess.

They, their tour bus like emptied out their shit onto the into the Chicago River, and there was a boat, like, under the bridge,

and they, like, fucking covered.

But it was so funny, it was Dave Matthews who did it.

Yeah, that's hilarious.

What's Dave up to these days?

Did you ever listen to Dave Matthews?

No, producing more shit.

Wait, when you said

you said they emptied all the shit out of the tour bus, you you mean they had a concert?

Woo!

Yeah.

Woo.

Yeah, I've always been pros.

The other goal, if I had money,

buy,

what is it, Anchor Watt?

What's that?

That like him.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that jungle temple.

Yeah.

It's those old Thai, like, you know, like very ornate, like, jungle temples.

Have one of those, and then have a bunch of fucking monkey servants, like King Louis.

That'd be dope.

Yeah.

I don't know if they would be servants.

I would just like to live among them and establish some kind of society, get fucked up on hallucinogens all day long.

You have to be servants, dude, because then they'd fucking overtake you otherwise.

Well, they get overtake.

That's why it has to be democratic.

Oh, I see.

Or maybe not.

Maybe you have to establish dominance.

I'm forgetting if nature isn't.

You have to fucking shoot the strongest monkey.

The first day you're there, you show up, you fuck up, you rape the strongest monkey.

Yeah, and then

I'm reading Blood Meridian and like.

Oh, I'm reading it as well.

Yeah, there's so much good shit in there.

So like they're

they're like they just you know, it's a gang of like in like scalpers, you know, in the fucking old west or whatever.

I literally am reading it.

Well, it's based on uh

it's based on like uh are you I am for real.

Oh, okay.

So I don't need to set up.

But did you get to the part yet where they're like they're traveling and they go to that like cantina and they meet the guy that has like a retard in a cage?

No, I can't wait.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's got his like retarded brother naked in a cage and the retarded brother just, like, eats shit and smears it all over himself.

And they're like, what, what, what you planning on doing with that?

And he's like, I'm taking him to California and show him to people for a nickel.

That's the guy that did the road and

the country.

Yeah, where.

Yeah.

I've never read it.

I'm trying to read to be not stupid anymore, dude.

Well, it's good for, like,

it's not good for not being stupid, because you'll always be stupid.

But in terms of like making shit, I mean, it's definitely easier to be creative when you have more inputs.

Right.

Yeah.

But I don't know, man.

If reading books makes you smart is what I what I remember.

No, it doesn't.

When I used to read books, I was smarter than I am now.

I'm stupid as shit.

All I fucking do is play now.

I've just played PlayStation 4.

That's because you've got to play smart games, dude.

Oh, really?

You ever played Bioshock?

That's fucking...

That'll open your mind to

Ayn Rand and stuff.

Okay, yeah.

I'll check it out.

I usually just play activity.

It's a fucking really cool game.

Plus, you get to shoot children.

Oh, hell yeah, dude.

Bioshock is one of the best games of all time.

I know I say that joking, but holy shit, that game is good.

I've never played it.

I usually just play Dead or Alive volleyball.

Yeah.

Where it's those big titty Japanese.

It's pretty good.

That was a good one.

I legitimately am going to download it on the PlayStation Network.

Do you remember Virtua Tennis?

Hell yes, I remember Virtua Tennis.

One of the best sports games ever.

You remember when you could hack Lara Croft Tomb Raider to get her titties out?

Yep.

No, I don't remember that.

Wasn't that fake?

No, no, that was real.

That was like

tix-related conversation.

Hell yes.

Yeah, it was like the quality was so low.

They were terrible.

They didn't look like titties at all.

It was just like cones.

Yeah, that's what tits look like, dude.

They look like cones.

Bioshock seems like it's too fucking hard, dude.

It's too fucking involved.

No, it's actually pretty easy.

Really?

Yeah,

that's like the one thing that's disappointing about it is it wasn't particularly difficult.

I hate that shit where it's like so much inventory and shit.

I just want a Grand Theft Auto-style open world.

That's kind of what it is.

It's not like an RPG.

Oh, really?

Yeah, no, it's a first-person shooter.

I know that.

Yeah, I mean, like, inventory in the sense that you have like five or six guns.

Tight.

Yes.

Yo, Mafia 3, have you guys seen the fucking shit for that?

That looks awesome.

I want to play that shit.

I'm about to download so many games.

I'm going to quit comedy and just play PlayStation.

I fucking, I got to get a couple more truck jobs before the season ends so I can buy a TV.

Dude, I really want one of those 4K TVs.

I want to watch that new Planet Earth.

Actually, here's my goal: I download new Planet Earth, dub it over with G-George, and make Planet Earth.

And it's like, you know, like elephants, you know, going to the lake to drink or whatever.

And then you just say, now, how many of y'all like sex?

And then the elephants start fucking.

Hell yeah, dude.

Planet Earth.

G.

George.

Planet Earth.

Planet Earth.

That's the joke, folks.

It's how they say Earth.

Yeah.

Isn't it?

It didn't.

Everyone would, when they quoted Will Smith, say, welcome to Earth, would be like, welcome to Earth.

But he never even said Earth.

Yeah.

He says Earth.

In Independence?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

And then they would add the N-word at the end.

He didn't say that either.

I don't remember that part of the movie.

Oh, fuck.

You know, I loved

comedian Earthquake.

Yeah, of course.

And then there was a guy in D.C.

that that was comedian Hurricane.

You can't just say that.

Oh, the fat guy, the fat white guy.

Yeah, that fat white guy.

He was

oh, yeah, John Hur.

Yeah, yeah, John Hur Hurricane.

Yeah, his name was a pun, which makes it even shittier.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's terrible.

He looked like Family Guy, and he had a joke about that.

Yeah, that was his open guy.

He had a joke about it.

He's like, and he would carry around fake glasses, and he's like, yeah,

obviously I'm Peter Griffin or whatever.

It's like, that's

so bad.

But he looked exactly like him, to his credit.

He did, yeah.

That was his best credit.

There's a guy that goes to anime conventions dressed as Peter Griffin.

I've seen that guy, yeah, yeah.

Actually, that guy

legitimately looks exactly like him.

He looks exactly like him, and he does the impression pretty well.

Yeah, Hurricane couldn't really do the impression.

What was that guy, like, a fucking lobby or something?

DC was so fucking weird, dude.

You would get like rich people that are just like, yep, I want to fucking do this.

Oh, yeah.

There were a bunch of rich people.

Why the fuck are you doing that?

You have a better life.

You have a better Did I mention the sit-down comic?

The sit-down comic?

Did we talk about him?

No, I don't think so.

Oh, that was a good idea.

Oh, wait.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, the handicapped guy.

Yeah, yeah.

There's only so much I can pull out of those Wise Acres days.

Did I mention Tom Flood?

Probably.

Tom Flood is a severely autistic guy.

If you take this on the road, that guy.

No, no, yeah, Diesel said that about it.

I'm telling you, if you brought him on the road, he would murder.

Diesel just wanted to put him in that cage, like the retard.

I'm taking him to California, and I'm showing him to people for a nickel.

Take him to California.

Who else was fucking.

Have we talked about Erwin?

I'm sure we have.

Yeah, we talked about it.

Oh, yeah, Irwin had to believe his name.

Yeah.

And someone immediately found him.

I need more input.

What about the fat doctor?

The fat doctor.

Yeah.

Legend.

Just homophobic.

Yep, definitely.

Was he a doctor?

Yeah, he was a doctor.

He was an OBGYN.

Oh, the best kind.

My friend growing up, he was black, and his granddad was one of the most successful black gynecologists in D.C.

So he had this really fucking swanky house in like Bethesda.

The house.

Yeah, it was like a real nice house.

But the guy bought it in like 19.

Did I mention this already?

No, no, no.

He bought it in probably like the late 60s, decorated it.

And then it was like, yeah, this is what the house looks like.

So he had like this, but it was like gorgeous.

It was like a swinger's palace?

It was, yeah.

It was like a fucking, it was on like a hill.

So it was like split level.

And all of the back of the house opened up to this like pool in the backyard.

And it was like sort of like a greenhouse style, you know, like kitchen and living room and stuff.

And then like, but you know, even like the light fixtures were like coffee black with like weird, you know, oval shaped switches and a lot of that like, what is it like populux sort of look to it?

And

it's like a style of like, uh, like, you know, graphic design, uh-huh, you know, like boomerang coffee tables and shit,

like all that owl shit.

Yes, yes, like, yeah, vintage owls.

A lot of mahogany and shit, like dark woods.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That stuff.

An interior stone garden.

Oh, hell yeah.

Any velvet?

A lot of black velvet.

Oof.

A lot of black vevells.

Sculptures of like black onyx sculptures of jaguars and shit.

Oh, Oh, hell yeah.

That's so awesome.

Yeah, and he had this old rolls, like an old silver race and that.

Yeah, and he was this old black gynecologist, and he looked like, in the pictures, he sort of looked like Don King in around the house.

And it was me and Brendan would laugh so much about him

just like, yeah, I only use my mouth.

And that's how he made all his money is

being the number one pussy eater in D.C.

Wouldn't it be funny if there was a handless and armless gynecologist of Chinese shit?

I don't remember much Chinese shit.

I think that's maybe more 1970s.

Their next door neighbor was

fucking James Brown from Fox Sports.

Oh, yeah.

JB.

Yeah, yeah.

I didn't realize JB fucking lived in Bethesda.

Yeah, I guess he does.

Damn.

We went to watch the Super Bowl one time at their house and like JB pulled up in the driveway next to us and we were like, what the fuck?

And he was like, you guys watching this?

This is a magical TV?

It looks so real.

Yeah, yeah.

Dude, I saw Berman.

Chris Berman.

Chris Berman.

He lives in Baltimore, right?

No, I don't think...

I don't know where it was.

I saw him.

I was in Providence, and he just had the flattest ass I've ever seen him.

He has a total fat guy, like just out,

straight, and just like flat ass.

Like Hank Hill.

Like total Hank Hill physique.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And he was kind of a dick.

Really?

Staying forever at the fat physical.

Well, yeah, yeah, he's a New England guy.

That's right.

It makes sense.

I think so.

He's up there, Rhode Island.

That's really bad for you to have a shitty ass.

Yeah, dude.

I got a plump, chunky ass.

Yeah.

I got a plump.

To have a weak posterior chain.

This is where you get a lot of mechanical problems in your body.

That's why I'm a fucking ass.

I'm a strong ass.

Strong hammies.

Strong limber hammies.

Good, strong ass.

Yes, baby.

Yeah, that's what's important in life.

Strong ass cheese.

Yeah,

you're a weak bitch, dude.

You are a weak bitch.

Sorry.

You should fuck Adam up and steal his shit.

I'm going to steal your coat.

I didn't bring it.

By the time the winter's through, that'll be my coat.

That's my look, dude.

I know it's your look, bitch, but I'm stealing it.

I'm going to get the Tims and the Yankee fitted.

I'm going to steal it.

And I'm going to get NBA jeans.

That's

going to be my look.

Fuck.

I'm going to be.

I'm going to die about those.

XL North Face sleeping bag jacket.

Yes.

Tim's Yankee fitted.

If you get the NBA jeans, I will not steal your coat.

Otherwise, I will steal your coat.

Well, I'm going to get them.

Okay.

That's That's fine.

Do they make these in skinny?

Do you guys have joggers?

Yeah, can I get?

I'd love a more skin-tight NBA jeans.

I'd love like a more tapered NBA jean.

You should get skin-tight apple bottom jeans with like an extremely loose ass

just hanging like a fan pack off your fucking shitty body.

Oh, God.

Oh, fuck you.

That was a very 1990s look.

That was the last good thing Steve Jobs did, is those bottom jeans.

We're rethinking what black women's asses look like.

Just Steve Jobs on that stage in a turtle hat.

It's not enough to just have ass.

You got to make the booty pop.

This is what consumers want.

This is what we're thinking about.

Steve, are you going to take your cancer medicine?

No.

Smoothies.

I'm paying ayahuasca for it.

I'm going to text my way out of this.

I'm going to rethink cancer.

Oh, hell yeah, dude.

Dude, a bunch of years ago or whatever, we had Jobs, Cash, and whatever.

You know the fucking meme.

That's it.

Yeah.

But yeah, 10 years ago, we had Steve Jobs, Bruce Jenner,

Antony,

and the Twin Towers.

Woo!

Woo!

Goddamn.

I feel good, dude.

I had a smoothie today, a green smoothie.

Oh, what did you put in that?

My man, I put some damn spinach, some kale, I put a tomato in that bitch.

I need some produce.

Put an apple in there, too.

Amber's got a blender.

Amber's got a blender, and I'm thinking about blending some shit up.

Dog, I need to get it.

Getting in the juice.

You know what I need, though, is like glass jars to put the juice in.

You don't need that shit.

They don't keep well.

And you know what?

Glass jars really don't keep well.

That's why I started using these new stuff stuff from the container store.

You can do it.

You do the Adams thing where you steal the thing that someone says right before?

No, no, I was doing a live read for our sponsor.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Go ahead and continue.

Use promo code ComeTown at the container store.

Or just go in there and if you shout, if you go up to the cashier and say, where am I.

You guys didn't get no promise.

That's part of the promo.

You have to say it.

Call in the N-word at the container store and get 15% off.

All orders now.

Go in.

Christmas special.

Just go into any store, really.

Scream the N-word.

Say, Come Town.

Give me the Come Town discount

for our sponsors.

Our sponsor, every store in the country.

A Jimmy Jazz.

Go to Jimmy Jazz.

Go to Apple Bottom Jeans.

AppleBottomJeans.co.

Say, let me get a free sample.

Let me get a taste test.

And then try and sniff the salesgirl's ass.

Yeah.

Do you remember when it was hot for girls to have fake tits and no ass?

Like Adriana La Serva from Soprano?

No, I never thought that was attractive.

But that was like a very 1990s thing.

Not no ass.

See, that's the thing.

When people say no ass, it's just

90s women were trash.

Just like stringy, blonde, like bleached-out, shitty hair.

Yeah, fake tits.

I certainly prefer a thicker woman.

I used to be friends with this guy, Connor, when I was like a teenager.

And Connor was like telling this story one time.

He was such a a funny dude.

I wish I kept in contact with that guy.

He's like,

he was like, he's like, yeah, I was down in Florida a couple weeks ago, and I

hooked up with these two really methyl looking chicks.

Just fucking platinum, blonde hair.

Looks like they cut it with safety scissors.

He's like, I spent the whole week there.

I guess they were Freon addicts.

So they were showing me how to

rip the pipes out of an air conditioner.

Jesus, man.

They're like raccoons.

What the fuck?

Yeah, Freon addicts.

What do you even do with Freon?

You suck it?

You huff it.

Yeah, you suck.

Huff him tubes.

Oh, yeah.

Girl.

My friend that used to do a lot of drugs told me that one way to get really high for not a lot of money is gas.

Like gasoline.

Just

reseen Love Liza.

No.

Oh, man.

That's such a good movie.

You'd love it.

It's Philip Seymour Hoffman, and he plays this guy whose wife had just, she's just killed herself.

Like at the beginning of the movie, she's left him a letter, and he can't bring himself to read it.

So, you know, he's at work and he's fucking up and he just can't stay focused.

And they're like, Man, maybe you should take a break.

And he's just sitting in his house and like it's like half cleared out.

And he's like trying to clean the house to get ready to move out of it because he just can't deal with it.

And he just takes, picks up like the rag, you know, he's like cleaning with.

He gets into huffing.

Yeah.

And then eventually he graduates to gas and then he needs a way to justify his like gas addiction.

So he gets really into like RC planes.

And then it's like him getting really into RC planes and becoming progressively more and more retarded from the gas.

Whoa.

Yeah.

What did the letter say?

He reads it at the end.

I forget.

I haven't seen the movie in like 10 years, but it's really good.

What if the letter was like, I fucked all your friends?

Yeah.

Don't be sad about it.

It's like, whatever you do, don't do gas.

Wow.

Deep.

Whoa.

Whoa, dude.

That's like

Memento Profound.

Yeah.

What's your guys' favorite movie of mine is Memento?

Is it?

No, I don't have it.

I don't know what that is.

I saw a guy on a bus once that had like tattoos from Memento on his body.

What a douchebag, right?

That sucks.

Yeah, yeah.

I was on a bus in Manhattan then.

That's terrible.

Terrible.

Yeah, John Q killed my wife or whatever.

Yeah, that's stupid as shit.

John Q?

What's his name?

No, not John Q.

Denzel.

The son is going to get a heart transplant.

All right, listen to me, Jake.

Jake, okay?

All right.

All right.

Ha ha ha ha.

It's like, yeah, Denzel, how about just don't laugh?

It's not convincing.

You think he had the worst laugh?

I still think Ray Leoda's got the worst laugh.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's a good one.

That's a terrible fake laugh.

Yeah.

I think

we all have really good laughs.

Yeah.

Those are real.

I remember talking about fake movie laughs.

Yeah, the actors who can't laugh.

Hmm.

Who else?

Who else can't laugh, boys?

People listening to this podcast.

Oh, snap.

Whoa, what the fuck, man?

Shut up, bitch.

Shut up, Nick, you motherfucker.

I'm just being honest.

You little bitch-ass bitch.

You're the fucking bitch here, Powell.

Dude, take it back.

Do not try me.

Take it back.

I'll fucking stuff that dumb shirt right up your ass.

What dumb shirt?

You're wearing your fucking comedy knock-out shirts.

It's like eight days.

This is a free shirt, bitch.

That's laundry week.

I'm also wearing shorts.

Yeah,

I gotta fold all my clothes and put them away.

Then I'll change.

How many clothes do you own?

A decent amount.

Two pants.

I don't have many pairs of pants.

Eight shirts.

I got into, I bought a pair of like Levi's dickies, like, I guess Chicos or whatever.

And I found them again.

They're great.

Chinos.

Chinos.

Chicos?

Yeah, I don't know what the fuck they're called.

Chicos.

Chinos.

Bitch, they're not called Chicos.

That's a place.

It's a fucking place.

It's still a word.

It's a woman's place.

It's a word I say once a year.

I'm not used to fucking Chicos.

They have like fucking tropical fucking stuff.

What the fuck are they called that?

They're called work pants.

Why did we decide we're going to let a different race tell us what our pants are called?

Well, it's Natalia.

It's Chicino for Chinese.

For Chinese.

The hardest workers.

What?

Latino is too many damn words.

They call it like, that's like a.

Excuse me, but I am Chicano.

It's like, well, you're not Latino.

It's like, yeah, I'm that too.

I'm like, well, which one?

Latinx.

Yeah, Latinx.

I like that.

Oh, yeah.

Spanish robot.

Yeah.

You know what?

Spanish chat in the midst.

Does anyone still listening to this episode?

Here's a good Photoshop challenge for you.

I came up with this one.

If you want to try and draw R2 Choo2,

it's a Chinese robot covered in ants and slime.

What?

It's Arthur Chu as a robot.

Oh, okay, okay.

R2 Choo2.

R2 Choo Choo.

Yeah, just put his face covered in ants.

He's got it all the time.

He got a divorce.

It's funny.

I think we shit on him for that already.

Yeah.

This is what sucks is that there's nothing really to talk about except all this bullshit politics stuff that Adam likes.

It's not fun.

I don't want to talk about it.

You always want to talk about it.

No, I don't.

You always try and figure out a way to bring it up.

That's why we had to kick you off the show.

Yeah, dude.

I know.

I'm sorry.

I'm really glad you guys have me back.

No, you're the guest this week.

Yeah, I'm glad.

We don't know who we're going to book next week.

It's going to be weave.

We're going to replace Adam with Weave, and he's going to be the third chair in the podcast.

We're all going to move to Serbia.

Is that where he lives?

Yeah, he lives in exile.

Really?

Yeah.

Whoa.

Yeah.

He's like Bobby Fisher offensive.

He has the Twitter account.

Instead of chess, Bobby Fisher was just initially good at being racist.

He's a prodigy.

There's no turn.

He just cut out the middle name.

Yeah, yeah.

Just went right for racist.

Just for right for Jews control, everything.

He's a weird ass dude.

Fucking Bobby Fisher, man.

Have you seen that documentary about him?

Finding Bobby Fisher?

No, I think that was a movie, right?

Yeah, it was.

That's where You're the Man Now, Dog, comes from.

No, no, that's Finding Forrester.

That's Finding Forrester.

Yeah.

You're the Man Now, Dog.

You're the Man Now, Dog.

You stupid motherfucker.

That revolutionized the internet.

That dumb website.

Yeah, that was like a huge thing, is You're the Man Now, Dog.

That's a website?

It was a website.

Somebody made a website, You're the Man Now, Dog, and it was just a picture of Sean Connery repeating all the time.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then, like, text coming out of the screen that says, You're the man now, dog.

And Lonaloop, him saying, You're the man now, dog.

You're the man now, dog.

And then the guy who owned that website set it up so other people could create that, where you'd like pick the image, pick the

shit.

And that was like, you know, before memes or whatever.

That was a huge website where people would create those you're the man now dog things.

Right, right, right.

And the guy that owned that website also owned dustindiamond.com.

And it's like official website of international sex symbol Dustin Diamond.

And this was before like the sex video had come out.

So it was just like he was just screech.

Yeah, he was just screech.

And it was like HOMA International sex symbol.

And fucking Dustin Diamond sued the guy that owned the website for control of the domain.

And the guy that owned the domain was like 24.

His name was Max something.

I forget.

And he

represented himself in the suit and successfully convinced the judge.

He's like, no, it's obviously a joke.

He doesn't own the domain.

He didn't buy it.

He had plenty of time to buy it.

And nobody thinks of him as a sex symbol.

So it's clear parody.

And the judge is like, yeah, I don't see why anyone would want to fuck this man.

So I guess you're like,

Dustin Diamond, this might have changed, but as of like, you know, 10 years ago, he was the only person to ever lose a suit.

That might have been the shit that sent him spiraling, dude, losing that suit.

Maybe.

And he's fucking super.

Were those prostitutes in that sex tape?

Have you ever seen his rider?

Dustin Diamond's rider?

I hear it.

It's like legendary.

It's fucking hilarious.

Yeah, it's like there must be six Miller lights in my green room, exactly six.

I want them in a bucket.

You know, there's always bullshit.

But, you know, he has that rider, and then half the places he plays don't even have a fucking green room.

Because I remember seeing that rider, and literally the next week, Eltringham was opening for him at Lestrani's,

which is like an Italian restaurant that has comedy.

And so instead of a green room, Dustin Diamond just has to stand at the bar waiting for his turn to go up.

Yeah, that shit's so annoying that comedy clubs book people like Dustin Diamond.

Yeah.

Who goes out to see Screech do stand-ups?

I mean, you you can't put Screech on the posters either because he doesn't own the rights to it or something.

And he would probably be one of those guys, like, don't say Screech.

Yeah, he's not, yeah, he can't.

I'm a novelist.

What is it?

Jimmy J.J.

Walker?

Yeah, from Good Times.

Good Times.

He does stand up, and

he won't say Dynamite.

He won't say Dynamite?

Yeah, he won't do it.

Damn.

Yeah.

That's the only reason anyone's going to see.

Yeah, dude, I saw, you know, who I would go see?

Always?

Michael Winslow.

Hell yeah, dude.

He's awesome.

Well, he's got an actual skill.

Yeah, yeah.

Fucking.

There's a video of Michael Winslow.

There's a video of Michael Winslow doing like the first five minutes of Star Wars

where he just does all the sound effects of Star Wars the first five minutes and it's

amazing.

Yeah.

Dude, the fact that he like nails all the scene changes where we're like cut to a TIE fighter for like half a second and he's just like

you know, and he just has all the like back to the lasers.

You know, he just doesn't miss a fucking beat.

But it's that's just black autism.

Yeah, oh, absolutely.

Yeah.

Black autism.

Yeah, he's OG black nerd.

You know about that.

That's black nerd magic, dude.

Yeah.

Black retard magic.

That's what's going to get

Hillary elected is black retard magic.

You saw that thing.

There was like, it was on, I guess, the Blaze or something, but she's considering Hillary.

Oh, my God.

That was the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life.

I love that.

I so hope she's.

2020, dude.

Then life stopped being real, and I'm like, yes, yes, let's root against her.

It'll be hilarious.

It'll be so funny.

I wish I could just fast forward four years and watch that happen again.

Or if we could just have an election now and she loses again.

How funny would that be?

It'd be like, all right,

some electoral college loophole, there's another election, and she still loses.

Holy fuck.

Oh, what if he just, what if Trump passes a law that says that they have to have an election every month and Hillary has to go against him again?

And for the next four years, they just keep redoing the election.

He's like, looks like you lose again.

He probably would, dude.

He loves elections way more than

the president.

I would love that.

That would be great.

That's what he likes.

It would create so many jobs.

You know how fucking hard it would be to have an election every month?

Yeah, that's true.

We could just be a country that lives off elections.

Ooh, big election.

What jobs?

The counting.

They don't get money for that.

Why the fuck does Joe Stein need fucking $7 million then if people don't get paid to count?

I don't know.

They definitely get paid.

No, it's because people need to count the country.

I guess the people at the polls don't get paid.

No, they get paid, too.

Everyone gets paid.

They get paid.

Yeah, they do.

Really?

Yeah.

Everyone gets paid, dude.

People just doing it for fun.

I thought that people do it as volunteers.

Nah, dude.

No, then only rich people would be able to control or to count votes.

Yeah, which is fucking retard.

You fucking idiot.

You fucking moron cocksucker.

This is what the people want.

Keep going, guys.

Fuck you, dude.

I'm taking your shoes.

I'm taking Adam's fucking shoes.

Bullshit give me this bitch why are they ironic kirkland shoes they're not kirkland oh i went to costco and i got ironic shoes shut the fuck up if you want a pair let me know next time i go to costco

ironic shoes like me do you want a pair yes you actually want 17 yeah we said we want some i used to have i used to have fucking uh walmart velcro shoes that were eight bucks oh hell yeah and they were great oh fuck dude that's awesome i want those yeah i'm gonna copy your gay ass yeah do it i'm gonna copy that and I bought a blender.

Did you buy the Vitamix?

But I didn't get the big one.

I got the fucking standard one, the 5200.

I like that it has Vita in the name, as if you assume I'm going to put vitamins in that bitch.

As if it's not.

Mr.

Milkshakes, bitch.

It's going to be ice cream and peanut butter

and fucking almonds and shit.

Brownie milk.

You can make your own almond butter?

I can't wait for that.

Yeah.

You can make your own almond milk.

You can make your own gazpacho.

Oh, yes, bitch.

I'm going soup crazy.

I'm making fucking all kinds of shit.

Did you buy the Vitamix?

I did.

Wow, you really did?

You did.

Legit.

It's coming tomorrow to my house.

Which one did you get?

I just said this.

What the fuck?

The 5200, the base-level one.

Oh, yeah, that's the one I rimmed.

That's the gay one.

That's the one that's bad.

No, it's

like texting on it.

It's very highly rated.

No, I don't want the one with texting, but I want the one with like the two and a half horsepower motor.

No, this one has that.

See, look, you have to understand.

They all have the same motor.

You have to understand.

I'm coming to this blender game from the power tools world.

I understand things as well.

Horsepower.

Horsepower.

Settings, I don't give a shit about, okay?

I want to press that button.

I want the electricity bill to sky.

I want to be able to accidentally put my hand in there and have to go to the hospital.

You know what I'm saying?

If I don't lose a finger, it's for gay guys.

Does Milwaukee make a blender?

Because if DeWalt made a blender and Milwaukee made a blender, you'd better believe.

I'd be drinking wood milkshakes right now.

Oh, fuck, dude.

I can't wait to blend that shit.

Wait, oh, you're getting it tomorrow.

Nevermind.

Yo, you should put fucking weed in there.

Oh, my God.

Can you imagine if you put a pound of weed in a blender and turned it into juice shit, yeah?

Oh, my God.

What would happen if you drank a pound of weed?

Let's find the fucking real quick.

Let's find the fucking weed.

Real quick?

Yeah, like if you put a pound of weed in a blender and put water in it.

You go blind.

You wouldn't go blind.

No, you just get fucked.

But you transcend levels of message.

Well, have you smoked dab before?

Dabs?

No.

They fuck your ass up.

My friend Ari is like obsessed with dab accounts on Instagram.

There's this guy, A-Z-N-Dabs, D-A-B-Z.

You would probably die if you did that, the Pound thing.

No, you wouldn't.

No, no, no.

So, like, Dabs.

There has to be a toxicity level for a THC.

No, no, no, you wouldn't die.

But this is.

What would happen?

So what DABs are, they're.

Stop talking about DABS.

Tell me what would happen.

No, it's the same.

I'm getting to it.

I don't want to get to it.

Just tell me what would happen.

They're weed concentrate.

I don't give a shit.

You get insanely, insanely stoned.

And then, like, once you're an addict or once your tolerance goes up,

you can handle it.

For us.

Alright, what if you put a pound of heroin in there?

Yeah, you would die for sure.

No, I don't think you would.

There's no toxicity level to heroin.

People die from heroin overdoses because they forget to take vitamins.

Oh.

It's like AIDS.

AIDS doesn't actually kill you.

It's from fucking a guy with a dick too big.

Oh, it does tend a little bit more.

It's an opportunistic dick.

Interesting, interesting.

I didn't know that.

It weakens your sphincter.

It's not the A's that kills you.

It weakens your sphincter so much that all your organs come out of your ass.

No, it's opportunistic diseases,

which is a good name.

That sounds like Nazi propaganda.

It's all these opportunistic diseases taking over the finance industry.

Yeah, Tay-Sachs.

Hell yeah, boys.

Oh, also, we had a great show.

We didn't talk about that at all.

Thank you to everybody who came to the damn show.

That was awesome.

The shows are getting better and better, and we appreciate everyone who came.

Funny mom.

Especially my man who came from Staten Island, who I talked to after the show.

For real?

Yeah, he was like, I just want you to know I'm a big fan of the show, and your willingness to constantly humiliate yourself.

This guy's at home right now, and he's like, that's not what the fuck I said.

It's not even close to what I said.

He didn't say that.

I gave him an earnest compliment, and he contorted my words to turn it into a funny bit for himself.

No, no.

You probably didn't say that, and now you're doing what he said in the story by doing this.

You're humiliating yourself.

Oh, yeah, dude.

This is inception.

Shouts out to also Ben.

That's a compliment.

That kid in the front row.

I think his name was Ben.

Shouts out to him.

Ben's dying of cancer, and he came to our show.

Or no, wait.

Am I thinking of my friend?

Every dollar of the Patreon goes to this four-year-old boy who has leukemia.

And

if you're not donating yet,

we're going to get in Batman costumes.

Yeah.

We're going to do that Bat Kid thing.

Man, that kid's life is going to suck.

You know, he's fine, right?

The Batman kid.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Oh, I want to bully him right now.

No, I don't want to bully him, but he's.

Imagine.

Fuck him, dude.

He lived?

He's going to, at 27 years old, go shoot up whatever office he's working in.

Yeah, in a Batman costume.

Yeah, because

he's going to turn into the Joker.

That's the Joker's backstory.

Because he had childhood leukemia, and they let him pretend he was Batman.

And he grew up and no one gave a fuck about the Joker anymore.

He's like, you want to know how I got these scars?

I had leukemia.

Experimental surgery.

Take care of my leukemia.

They had to make my mouth bigger so I could eat the pill.

The big

leukemia pill.

My friend Nate, one ball Nate, I call him, OBN,

he had cancer as a little kid and he beat it.

But

he got...

He got a Make-A-Wish shit, and they gave him like a fucking guitar and like a fucking studio and shit.

He got hooked up, dude.

He knew what he was doing.

Yeah.

If I was a Maker Wish kid and they were like, what do you want?

I'd be like, cigarettes.

To die.

Yeah.

Kill me now.

I want a carton of cigarettes every day for the rest of my life.

And then there's some five-year-old boy smoking.

Like, we did it.

I want to have sex.

I want to eat pussy.

I want to eat fucking Scarlett Johansson's pussy.

Oh, the fuck, Wish.

She's like crying.

Some five-year-old eating her out.

I'm going to die, bitch.

That'd be great if parents took advantage of their kids' cancer to get themselves.

Like a stage mom.

Yeah.

Yeah.

A cancer mom.

I want to go in.

Say it.

Now, come on.

Come on, Sarah.

You're going to have to cry more.

Mommy, stop pulling underneath my eyes.

You need bigger bags.

Where are we going to put all the money if not for those bags under your eyes?

Come on now, be the star.

Mommy needs a new set of vanillas.

I want fake tits from my mom.

Now, quick, inhale all this secondhand smoke.

Ah, fuck.

Cancer moms on TBS.

That would be a good one, dude.

Well, when we found out Shireen had cancer, at first I was sad, but then I thought, we're getting right out of this double wine.

Like Skinner plays or something.

I'm going to do tour buns.

All the way to Los Angeles, California.

I have my retard daughter here in a cage, and she's smeared in feces, and I'm going to show her to people for a nickel.

Take it to California.

Show her to people.

All right, well, that was a good one, I feel.

Hopefully, that's redemption for the one everybody hated.

They're referring to as the politics episode.

But the truth is, guys, every episode is a politics episode.

Yeah, the personalist political success.

The thing is, we're artists, so this is all allegory.

Absolutely.

If you think these are all just dumb jokes and you're not really representing how this is about, you know.

Every slur is on purpose and means something meaningful as fuck.

If you think about it.

If you really think about it.

We're not going to tell you because that's not what artists do.

That's not what artists do.

But you've got to read between the lines.

We're not stupid or offensive.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You just don't get it.

Yeah.

You're a bitch.

You bitch-ass piece of shit.

But thank you for listening.

Come to the next show also Monday after Christmas.

Yes,

Stav will be at Magoobi's all this week.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, hosting for Ben Creed all weekend.

I will be opening for Bobby Kelly at Magoobi's.

Actually, yeah, come out.

A couple people have asked me on Twitter: come say what's up.

If you're at Comeboy, we love to see you at the live shows.

Timonium, Timonium, Maryland.

I'm there Thursday, Friday, Saturday.

Face City.

It's not even on the GPS.

It just sounds like a fake.

It's a fake element.

It sounds like a robot named Tim.

Hello, greetings.

Y'all live in in Timonium?

Yeah, just dumbbot was getting too much for me.

So I thought I was going to get a guy to the country.

Fancy timonium.

They got a storage plus.

A battery supplies plus everything.

Dude, they got a Chili's right by Apple.

They got a Chili's Plus.

You know what that is?

That's where they don't yell at you for taking food out of dumpster.

So yeah, come out.

But yes, goodbye, everyone.

Later.

It's time to head back to school and forward to your future with Carrington College.

College.

For over 55 years, we've helped train the next generation of healthcare professionals.

Apply now to get hands-on training from teachers with real-world experience.

And as few as nine months, you could start making a difference in healthcare.

Classes start soon in Pleasant Hills, San Leandro, and San Jose.

Visit Carrington.edu to see what's next for you.

Visit Carrington.edu slash SCI for information on program outcomes.

From unsolved mysteries to unexplained phenomena, from comedy goal to relationship fails, Amazon Music's got the most ad-free top podcasts, included with Prime.

Download the Amazon Music app today.