Ep. 28 – How Many Y’all Like Sex

For life with pets, there's Chewy delivering everything.

From food to fun

to fashion,

all at great prices.

If a pet's part of your family, Chewy should be too, with everything you need for life with pets.

This is Bethany Frankel from Just Be with Bethany Frankel.

Here's my summer tip: don't overthink your dog's meals.

My pups love just fresh from just food for dogs, complete, balanced, fresh, shelf-stable meals that go everywhere from New York City to weekends in the Hamptons.

I mean, you can have real food ready to go for your pup anywhere.

No cooler, no hassle, just grab and go.

I've seen the difference.

Healthier coats, more energy, tails wagging at mealtime.

Biggie and smalls love it, and I'm all about stuff that just makes sense when life is busy.

Go to justfoodfordogs.com and get 50% off your first order right now.

No code needed.

Fuck, is this a family reunion?

God damn, it's Brooklyn in a house.

All right, we're gonna set this up.

Fashion your seatbelts.

This shit is definitely real.

Now, how many of y'all like sex?

We're gonna talk about sex.

Now, check this out just the other day, right?

I went to the top floor of the World Trade Center.

They got a bar up there.

And I see this bitch got more butt than a box of newports.

Woo!

Now this shit is definitely real.

Hell yeah.

Now, how many of y'all like sex?

Check this out, man.

I'll be having sex sometimes.

And this is what you do, man.

You know how it is, man.

You get the girl down there,

a hole.

You bend over.

You pull your dick out.

What you do?

You put your dick inside of the pussy.

17-minute act out.

God bless y'all.

And remember, let's get the guns off the streets, people.

Get the guns off the streets.

And then Martin Lawrence comes back on.

on There were 157,000 murders in Chicago yesterday.

I got caught in a deaf comedy jam.

I don't want to call it a black hole.

I want to sound

lacest.

I do not want to sound like a lacest.

It's a Chinese guy saying he doesn't want to sound racist.

What's the guy's background?

Give me a little bit of flavor.

Taiwanese.

The guy I'm doing?

Yeah, yeah.

It's a Jewish man man doing a racist impression of a Chinese Jewish.

Oh, that's why it's a little off.

Yeah, yeah.

Now I see it.

I see it.

Because that's the thing about

all these damn Jews are so racist.

Every single one of them.

I agree.

I went to DC last week and met a lot of nice fellers.

Yeah.

And they were saying a lot of the same things about Jews I've been saying since I went to the world.

The black Israelites.

Yeah.

They're the original.

That's quite a show, by the way.

I love those guys.

Just sitting up shop and watching them.

So, somebody, I had kind of a legal issue going on this week, so I didn't have time to respond to them.

Oh, also, just a heads up.

I'm getting a lot of notifications for Facebook messages.

If you're messaging me and I'm not responding, I am banned from Facebook.

I can't respond to you.

I can see the messages, but I can't respond, so I'm not ignoring you.

I know a lot of people are probably

people sliding your DMs trying to suck you off on Facebook?

Yeah, I don't know.

I think, you know, I mean, if it's, it's, it's,

I don't want to say Reddit guys, but basically anyone in any online community is fickle.

So you don't respond to them for two days and they're like, actually, you know what?

Fuck this guy.

So I'm not ignoring you.

I just

can't respond to anything.

Hey, guess what?

Fuck you pieces of shit.

Yeah.

Stop.

Stop.

I don't care.

I'm the bad boy, dude.

You're going to be fickle.

I'm the bad boy of the group.

I'm like the administrator.

I'm like the chief of medicine here.

I don't know what that means.

I'm House.

Who's the guy that runs the hospital?

You're the sexy bitch.

No, the chief of medicine is more of a doctor.

So what's the administrator?

You're the bitch bitch with the big nose on house i'm house no one watches house dude and adam who knows what the fuck you're talking about is uh i don't know what the the gay character is a diagnosis murder household you're right so basically i am house i'm uh i'm i'm fucking dick van dyke okay you're scott bayo who's written off the show but i'm adam is the guy that replaced scott bayo yeah yeah no but scott bayo is so much better than the guy that replaced him yeah and then he went on to do some bullshit show where he's like a he's like a doctor that's also a poet i think who's Scott Scott Scott Bayo that's why he left eye grace murderous to do some other shitty daytime to switch it up

to switch up the doctor he was the dumb doctor

I forget you know I made I used to run I think it's still on Twitter if you go to twitter.com slash PAX television I had like a Twitter parody account back when I was struggling to find content that hit

I had where I would just pitch PAX TV shows so I know that there was one Scott Bayo joke on there and I can't remember the difference between the Scott Bayo joke show I came up with, where he's a doctor that's also a hobbyist beekeeper that moves to the big city and needs to use his bees to,

you know,

cope with the medicine life in the big city.

The best idea I had on that one was a show called Checking Engine,

and Branscombe Richmond plays a Navajo man that uses stereotypes to solve crimes in the Tulsa Hotel.

Branscombe Richmond, by the way, plays Billy Six Gun on the show Renegade,

starring Lorenzo Llamas.

Yo, that was a good show.

That show is badass, dude.

I'm trying to watch some Renegade.

I liked Lorenzo Llamas.

He was, I mean, I'm a fan of a lot of 90s action guys.

You know, your Llamases, your Lundgrens, you know,

you would put Llamas in the same category as Lundgren?

No, no, Llamas was a TV guy.

Lundgren was a movie guy.

I forget the guy who played Adrian on the Highlander TV show.

Oh, yeah, he was great.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Gabrielle or something.

Union.

Gabrielle Union.

Gabrielle Union.

He fucks Dwayne Wade.

Dwayne Wade?

Well, no, hold on.

There was a point.

Oh, yeah.

Also, there was some guy.

Dwayne Wade?

There was some guy.

He's like a university.

He goes to some school.

And he fucking

emailed me questions, but then I had this legal fucking.

Oh, yeah.

The guy

who wants to do a school report on us.

Yeah, I don't know.

I mean, it was like basically the question.

I guess, guess, you know, maybe I shouldn't just

blow up.

I guess I could respond to them on the podcast.

That's easier than typing.

Was it university?

Well, he was like, yeah, I guess I could pull him.

He was like, you know, are you worried that people are going to think you're a bigot?

And

it's like, you know, I am, I guess, right?

No?

No.

By pretty, by, you know, the looser modern definition.

I don't think anyone's.

I don't think anyone is.

I don't think substantive, substantively, you're bigoted.

I think that you're.

I run a barely ironic podcast.

I say racist shit all the time, and I get money from actual Nazis to do it.

I mean, I don't know for sure that they're not.

If I'm not a bigot, then Steve Bannon isn't a bigot.

Nah, dude.

We're by the same definition.

You're right.

We aren't as funny as Breitbart.

That is true.

Well, Steve Bannon made his money off of the Jewish sitcom Seinfeld.

Yeah, that's true.

And we are making our money off of the Nazis, so we're the opposite.

Well, I read some shitty article that was like, he drew inspiration from

who's the filmmaker that made Birth of a Nation?

Oh, fucking

the.

Oh, no, not Birth of a Nation.

Triumph of the Will.

Lenny Riefenstahl.

Yeah, yeah.

Which is, they show in every film class.

Yeah, she's like, she's a genius.

Yeah, to be like, oh, he drew inspiration from a Nazi propaganda.

And so was the guy who made Birth of a Nation.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What's his fucking name?

Not DeMille.

Yeah, it wasn't DeMille at all.

We're idiots, dude.

This is the whole five.

First of all, I don't know.

If it's like

I think anything, you know, I used to say, I used to say, I used to say any movie that's a silent film is bullshit, not worth watching.

Hell yeah.

It's too antiquated.

And I'm right about that.

Yeah, no, there's one good one.

No, there's not.

There's one good.

There's not a single good.

Is there one with titties?

I don't care what you're going to say.

You couldn't even have titties back then.

Well, you could.

In the pre-code Hollywood, you could have titties.

Really?

Yeah, they were much slottier back then.

Oh, hell yeah.

And women played bigger roles, and then after they introduced all the

code,

where you couldn't even kiss

a window outside, but no, that was like fuck off screen.

No silent movies are worth watching.

And then I updated.

Now it's no movies without color.

A couple years ago.

It's fine.

I buy that.

Yeah, so

now if it doesn't have CGI in it, it's bad.

Yeah, I guess there's no terms.

Because the technology's gotten good enough now.

You know, I'm not talking about Scorpion King,

you know, Mummy 3.

Yeah, that shit sucks.

I'm saying, you know, I want it Avatar is the only good movie.

Avatar is the only, not even a good movie, because you know, it's not a good movie, but it's the only movie worth watching anymore.

Wasn't he going to come out with like 12 out of 20?

You guys should know this.

I'm shopping around for a 4K television.

And basically, what that is, is it's four 1080p televisions combined into one TV.

So that level of resolution means that's four different ways that I'm better than you.

I just watch a movie.

I'm experiencing it to a degree that you'll never experience.

There are no Steven Seagull movies in 4K.

Yeah.

We all just got to check for $1,000 easy.

We're rich, bitch.

I'm buying a $700 blender.

I'm fucking making soups in that bitch because that's how hot they are.

Stop actually copied my idea to get the blender.

Guess who's going to buy it first, bitch?

I got a meaning.

It's my idea.

I got a new TV, guys.

Did you?

Yeah, it's a 3K TV.

And it only shows

racist.

Nice.

Oh, yeah.

Okay, I got it.

That's pretty good in the home TV.

That was really good, Adam.

You were sitting on that while we were talking about 4K.

Then we started talking about what we're going to buy

checks.

I couldn't get in there.

I was a good topic of discussion.

I couldn't get in there.

And you thought this 3K joke is so good, I thought I'm going to save it for after a whole nother topic has been introduced.

Well, it was fast.

It was fast-moving.

And it was just one topic.

Next, maybe if you be really feeling the flow of the conversation instead of being pleased with yourself.

I just thought that if I brought back the 3K joke, that it would be a funny enough joke to disrupt.

So what else are you going to buy with the 30?

You know, when I was a kid,

I thought.

I get anxiety when people bring up the clan because as a kid, I thought it was Klu Klux Klan.

Yeah, yeah, me too.

What do you mean?

Hold on.

And so I said that to somebody one time.

They laughed at me in fourth grade for saying Klu Klux Klan.

And then that's why that's like, I guess whenever the Klan comes up, I get nervous.

It's not Klu?

And it's because

it's Ku.

And

it's because

I fucked it up one time.

Well, I used to think it was like.

The thing that makes you nervous about the KKK is the pronunciation

is not their existence.

And you're just like.

Yeah, no,

that's my privilege is that I get nervous about

embarrassed about conversations.

I'm pronouncing it wrong, not them fucking doing hate crimes to your family.

Well, that doesn't affect me.

Well, no, it does affect you, apparently.

Nick can't handle anti-Semitism.

I thought it was Kruklox.

Oh, yeah.

I had to get off Twitter.

Nick quit Twitter because of all the anti-Semitism.

And you know what?

I support you as an ally.

He's also wearing a yellow star in solidarity with me for the month.

And I think that's great.

I really, I support you.

Well, we do make you wear a yellow star.

Well, I have to.

In True Punk Rock,

True Punk Rock Tradition.

I got a giant swastika tattooed on my chest.

Yeah.

And a little arrow underneath it that says says

bad.

No, get out of here, swastika.

Yeah, yeah.

Underneath.

So people know.

Oh, fuck, dude.

That's awesome.

Yeah.

People know that I'm against the swastika.

That's fucking tight as shit.

Yeah, it's cool.

It's anti-fascism.

I like the anti-fascist.

Dude, anti-fascist.

I love putting pins on my leather.

Where it's at.

Oh, dude.

Yeah.

Did you guys see that pin that was like $10,000?

Swarovski crystals and shit.

It was a safety pin.

So funny.

I just mean I like putting like Gigi Allen pins, you know?

Like I'm a cool guy.

I love Gigi Allen.

That's real music, man.

Real music is when you just get up there and you take a dump on the stage and you're seen the documentary.

And then you show everyone your dick and then you smear the shit all over your face.

That's real music.

You talk about fucking kids.

And you eat the poo.

And then you eat the shit.

Eat the poo-poo.

And that's like, you know, that's the kind of shit you miss out on with your fucking MP3s and your CDs, you know.

That's like real vine.

Who is visceral?

It's immediate.

You know, you're like seeing the man poop on stage.

You're smelling the poop on stage.

You know, you're seeing him eat it.

It's something more.

It's punk rock.

And then there's always some poster.

And then there's always some poster

wearing the shit from that show to the show.

And so

you got fucking pose.

You gotta wear last year's

shit he left on the ship.

He went to the merch table.

He got to wear shit from the same guy who shit.

He just walked in.

He walked in and shit.

He went to the merch table, bought a t-shirt.

Yeah, no, you got to have 311s shit.

Yeah, you got to get it.

You got to have a big turt.

Not even the same genre of music.

Who the fuck went to a Gigi Allen concert?

You saw that documentary, find out what that was like and was like,

hell yes.

That's what I want to fucking some guy screaming.

It's gonna smell horrible.

The guy that might rape my mouth while I'm.

It's also like you can get that for free in New York City everywhere.

Just take the train.

That's what the train is.

Dude, people, is it like the only people I knew that

liked Gigi Allen were just like fucking try-hard

13-year-olds, right?

There's how it still is.

Were there any grown men at those shows?

Were there grown people?

No,

it's music for 11-year-old to say that you're cool to say to have zero magic.

They're mad that their dads haven't come back.

That's why I'm glad I never liked Bukowski.

There was a whole period where people were getting into Bukowski, and I'm like, you realize this is trash, right?

It's garbage.

This is really bad.

He's bad at it.

Jake liked Bukowski.

Joe.

Well, Jake is a man of

of many tastes.

Well, no, it's one taste.

He likes the kowsky.

What do you have to say about that, Adam?

I think it's cool if he's into that, but I think

I agree with Nick's dick

because Nick is my boss.

Nick ain't my boss, dude.

I'm a fucking independent contractor.

I'll do whatever the fuck I do.

Yeah, you guys are independent contractors.

I'm not necessarily your boss.

No, you're my boss, Chief.

That means if one of you individually gets sued for something that happens on the show, I don't have to help you out.

Well, if I get-

what are the odds that someone gets sued for something on the show and it's not you?

If I get injured, why would I get sued?

I've never said anything bad about anybody.

If I get injured on the show, which are true things, was Jake going to sue me for saying he likowsky?

It's fucking true.

I don't want to talk about that.

If I get injured on the show, I'm going to file for

a while.

Can we do Workman's comp?

No.

You don't understand.

No, you can't.

You have to do it if I get hurt.

Dude, come town.

What if I just fucking stop it?

How Adam's bitch ass.

How?

Stop.

How?

That's a work-related company.

Yeah, what if I hit him?

Shouldn't you be accountable?

I'm part of an independent contractor, don't you understand?

If you're employees, yes, actually, because of

Respondent Superior.

Well, let me be vice president.

Which means that anything that happens, even something like that, in the course of normal day-to-day business,

I would be responsible for it.

Now, after that, I could

go and sue you.

I could also sue him because you colluded to make it happen.

Was there a collusion?

Yeah, you pose it as a hypothetical.

First First of all, already I have nine lawyers.

And everything I say,

everything I say, they go lobby and make it into law.

Oh, wow.

Holy shit.

That's

fucked up.

That's what I'm talking about.

That's juice.

That's real juice.

That's power.

Yeah, that's power.

So we're going to become Wall Street guys.

We have been wearing suspenders ever since we got these $1,000 checks.

Yeah, dude.

I'm in Hair Club for Men now.

I'm wearing sleep.

I'm wearing suspenders attached to my oversized basketball.

Yeah, that is such a bad look.

I have a French cuff shirt, you know, stripey.

You do have tie-dye socks, though, bitch.

Don't tell the listener.

That's some straight Jewish summer camp socks right there, my dude.

Oh, hell yeah.

These socks listen to fish, dude.

Guster.

So, what's going on this week?

I guess, you know.

Thanksgiving, bitch.

Yeah, Thanksgiving.

I can't wait.

I guess

in honor of Thanksgiving, we have a couple of

fun little facts, maybe stuff you didn't know.

Thanksgiving facts about Thanksgiving.

We've been prepping this bit, so I think

it's ready to go.

Yeah, yeah.

It's been in the oven, been roasting.

Yeah, like a turkey.

Like a turkey.

Yeah.

That's pretty cool.

Like a big turkey.

So that's pretty good.

That's pretty funny.

Adam, do you want to start?

I have one.

Hold on.

That doesn't pick up.

Why?

He does that every episode where he farts it with a fucking mic.

It just doesn't

register.

The fart gets trapped in the wind guard.

Dude, I bet it registers, honestly.

It doesn't.

I'm the guy that fucking lists.

Every once in a while, one of them goes through.

No.

That wasn't a good one, but anyway.

They're never good.

Also, you should do better farts.

I'm trying, man.

As a fat suit.

I have not been eating that bad, by the way.

Yeah, you do very small, lame, like French girl type stuff.

I've been trying to eat better.

That's why.

You're a fraud.

You should do some thunderous kind of stuff.

I've been wearing a fat suit.

I'm sexy as shit, actually.

You're dead sexy.

Dude, I'm so fat.

I wish fat suits would come back.

Hopefully in the Trump administration.

Absolutely.

That's all comedy.

Honestly, you know, people are like, oh, this is going to be good for comedy.

It's like, yeah, it's going to be good for comedy if comedy goes back to being racist and dumb.

Because that's good comedy.

You know, I mean, seriously, people are like, oh, wow, Adventure Time, it's actually got a lot of jokes for adults.

No, it's for babies.

You know what had a lot of jokes for adults?

Fucking Daffy Duck when he was using the N-word?

Those are jokes for adults.

You want to talk about children's entertainment?

It's meant for a grown man.

How about Porky the Pig calling somebody a Jap and shoving bamboo under his fingernails?

That's a joke.

You're dead, Jap.

Those are good adult-oriented children's cartoons.

Yeah.

The seven dwarves?

That is.

You expect a child to understand the jokes printed on the back of that Murder Incorporated truck?

Well, it's very nuanced and adult.

Oh, fuck.

The seven dwarves.

That shit is.

The prince's teeth are made out of gold and they've got like dice markings on them.

Well, gold, that's expensive.

Yeah, children don't understand that.

It's expensive.

They don't know about any of that stuff.

Yeah, that's true.

Well, children are fucking stupid as shit.

Yeah.

You're right.

I still think we should make that cool Sultan sketch.

That would be a good sketch.

With all this money.

I had another idea for a fucking sketch the other day.

Oh, yeah.

It's like a

so it's like a dog fight, you know?

I love that.

So it's in like a warehouse.

You can use my dog.

Real tough urban setting.

Yeah.

Very urban setting.

And there's all these dudes that are like, yeah.

And then, you know, we'll write the N-word into it.

There'll be a lot of guys saying, yeah, you know,

like Square City.

I'm going to say my man.

You know what I mean?

It's like, yeah, my man.

Let me get.

So they're setting up the dog fight.

They got the dogs in the pit.

And they're like,

you ready to do this shit, my man?

You ready to do this?

So this is like the UK 20 version of the sketch.

You know, like, so they got the dogs there, and then there's a guy with like a boom box, and he hits play on the boom box.

Yeah.

But then, you know, the audio is like obviously coming from the boom box.

It's not, you know,

overrelated, the shot.

And then out of the boom box, they're all listening to like, in the arms of an angel.

Like, that's their favorite shit at the dog box.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like, that's the song they listen to.

The one from the commercial.

Like, yeah, yeah, that's my shit, my man.

Yeah, my man.

My man.

My man.

Yeah.

That's the sketch idea.

That's really like Tarantino.

Like, he's like added.

My man, please.

Tarantino.

There's a lot of my mans running around.

Oh, guys, stop it.

So to answer your question,

yes, the show is bigoted.

It is ironic, but you know, what does it matter?

Because it's a slippery slope irony.

Look, you know, look, that's why I had to leave Twitter.

Van Culture is going to openly defend the American Nazi Party.

Yeah, that's tough.

There's no room for guys like me anymore.

At least online.

Relegated to the world of podcasts where there's still a little bit of nuance left.

Yeah.

This is nuance, dude.

That's what

I was thinking.

I would break my heart if my daughter ever brought my man home.

Shut up.

Do you think there's a guy out there that's like,

you know,

a guy that's like, I don't care if you're gay, you're my son.

I love you.

But don't you ever bring a Mexican man.

I think

that's good.

In fact, I'm glad you're gay.

Yeah.

The Bible actually says it's okay.

People read it wrong.

It's like that for gay Jews, where they're like, where they're like, you,

as long as you bring hope enough to you.

Which book actually says that it's wrong to be gay?

Leviticus?

Yeah, it's the same one where it's like,

you can't fucking eat shelter.

It was my bar mitzvah portion, actually.

Oh, yeah?

Your parents chose it?

No, that was just

in case.

You have to make sure he's not a.

They're a little suspicious.

I had to read it like this.

Now, Adam, read this very carefully.

My dad, crocodile dumbbell.

Yeah.

No.

You die, mate.

I'm from South Africa.

I'm Adam's gay dad.

Blooming onion, Governor.

Cheerio, tip top.

Put another Boffin on the lorry.

I'm going to suck off a kangaroo, I am.

That's not how South Africans sound.

I can do a South African accent if you want.

No, Adam's gay.

Adam, my son is gay.

We're going to do our version of the South African accent.

We don't want to hear.

I have a gay son named Adam.

He's guy.

Oh, he's guy because I ate too many crumpets while I was pregnant.

But I was snoring his mom.

In South Africa, the man gets pregnant because he's got a pouch.

Like a kangaroo.

I can show you guys a South African accent.

And then he sucks a.

You know what he does is he puts a kangaroo's kangaroo tail up his ass, and then the kangaroo nuts.

And he sicks off a wallaby?

My son, Adam's gay.

You know, it's okay for us to say that because South Africa is racist.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's us doing freedom fighting.

There's a story my dad used to tell

me.

Down with fucking white ass out of South Africa.

There's a story my dad used to tell me when I was a kid.

Apartheid.

Yeah.

Down with that shit.

There's a story my dad used to tell me when I was a kid.

And was he like, ate him?

He sat me down and he said,

Dia was a lion

and a great warrior.

Great.

That's pretty good.

Yeah.

Scottish.

That's pretty good Scottish Scottish accent.

Unlike our spot-on South African accent.

Wait, what were we talking about before we started?

Thanksgiving irony.

Oh, yeah.

Getting head.

Oh, it's not stupid.

South Africa is pretty stupid.

It's a beautiful thing.

He's been making so many shitty movies.

He's that guy.

District 9.

It's just that one guy.

Chappy.

God was making a fat movie.

No, Dr.

Chai's kind of tight.

No, it's not.

It's not bad.

I watched it recently.

It's not bad.

It's bad.

District 9 was pretty good.

District 9 wasn't that good.

And people thought it was good.

And then he's like, what if I made an even shittier movie?

No, he's like,

what if

he's like,

okay, first of all, we're going to have robots, right?

Okay.

There's not the middle one is a little bit different.

The robots

represent the bleaks.

The bleaks.

And then everyone else represents the whites, and it's really about apartheid.

It's not, it's like, yeah, it's like

Chappie or is that

District 9?

Now that's what District 9 is.

That's what Elysium is.

Elysium is the one where

Matt Damon, who like

he doesn't, he has some bullshit accent or he speaks Spanish or something.

He doesn't speak Spanish, or he's the one guy raised in the barrio that died.

Yeah, there's a guy in Barrio.

There's a bunch of fucking Spanish people.

Movie sucks.

Elysium sucks.

Chappie sucks.

Okay, well, sorry, dude.

It's not my fault.

I don't know that guy, Neil Blum Kampf.

I'm mad because we were talking about something and then we got sidetracked.

Thanksgiving, irony, and culture, Nazis.

Oh, yeah, the Anculture thing.

Yeah, that's fucked up, dude.

Yeah, that is fucking weird.

She's just outright defending Nazis.

I'm shocked.

I am.

I would think she's a bad person.

I can be that if I'm.

Yeah.

You know?

She's legitimately scared that Nazis are just like

pundits.

People say that all the time.

Like, whenever they're confronted with somebody that, you know, just has these ridiculous beliefs, they go, oh, they're a troll, which is the case with maybe two or three people.

She knows how to piss people off, though.

Sure, but she believes it.

Oh, sure.

If her beliefs just piss people off, why wouldn't she anyways?

There are plenty of bigoted idiots that don't know how to piss off a ton of people, and she is not one of them.

I don't understand the motivation behind saying, oh, well, they're just a troll or whatever.

I think that's like...

I'm not saying that as an excuse.

I'm not saying that she...

But there is this narrative of these people that

just have regular beliefs, but put on this fucking, you know, facade.

Like, people think that about Bill O'Reilly, Bill O'Reilly,

all these types of people.

There's not much fuckers.

And I guess I sort of did think that about Ann Colts.

Well, Glenn Back and Bill O'Reilly makes more sense because they're like former radio guys.

Right, right, right.

Glenn Black more so.

Bill O'Reilly was like that little hat and that shit now.

He's got the little hat and that scarf.

Oh, yeah.

He was horrible in that picture.

He looks so

hardy.

He's Black Lives Matter.

Wildwild West.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Wild, Wild Kanye West.

Yeah, yeah.

He's like Westworld now.

Yeah.

Yeah, he looks like he goes to get his dick sucked by fucking barmaidens in Westworld.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, he goes to Westworld.

He goes to Westworld to suck Thomas Jefferson's dick.

I fucking watched one episode of Westworld when I was high.

And is the point of that thing, these people pay money to have these fantasy experiences?

Yeah.

And then just like a lot of them are just rape.

Yeah, yeah, and murder.

What the fuck is that?

I don't know.

I don't know why it has to be the Wild West.

Why would rapes be like a destination?

It's not rape if they're having sex with prostitutes in the Wild West.

No, that guy, like, but it's also like like there's no

future world that would just have prostitutes.

Right.

Like, I don't understand why you would go with your family to the Wild West, and then you'd be like, honey,

you and the boys have fun.

I'm going to have sex with this extremely realistic robot that has its own personality that needs to be wiped at night.

Like, no, it's not cheating.

Because

if you're going to rape dinosaurs in Jurassic Park, that's essentially what this is.

That's what happened.

That's crazy.

Why would you?

I can't believe that's the fucking thing.

It's because human beings actually have a dark nature.

Oh, man.

And

that's how you know the show is smart.

That's pretty good, man.

It's kind of like Black Mirror.

It's for smart people.

I actively hate Westworld, but for some time.

I watched three episodes of it.

I didn't want to watch it.

I watched 10 minutes of the first episode, and I was like, yeah, this is a bad show.

And I've kind of been it just costs so much money that I feel like I have to watch it.

I don't know why.

It's stupid.

I don't know why.

That's dumb as hell.

I was watching Sopranos again.

I love it.

Back in.

I never technically finished the Sopranos.

I know.

You've got some work to do.

I know.

No, I'm plugging away, dude.

That's what I'm doing over Thanksgiving.

I'm just fucking eating a steak by myself.

And watching the Sopranos.

Guys, so Thanksgiving facts.

That's what I was talking about.

Oh, yeah.

Well, I didn't sidetrack us on that one.

That was someone else.

No, No, I said, Adam, what's your Thanksgiving fact?

And then Stop says this.

That was our homework for this week.

We're rich now.

We have to prepare for this podcast.

Absolutely.

Okay.

We have to start writing bits in advance like all the other good podcasts do.

You think Mark Maron just lets his show happen?

He's like, nah, what am I?

How am I going to act like a conscience?

He writes all that.

This is a character I'm doing.

He's actually a really nice guy.

Yeah.

But that's his character.

He's an angel.

So Thanksgiving is basically the holiday.

He hates going to the fucking post office.

Where

Christopher Columbus met with the Indians.

That's right.

Noted Italian-American Christopher Columbus.

And he said, we're going to have lunch.

We're going to have a big old fucking meal.

Yeah.

And then.

They had macaroni.

They had gravy.

That's how we're going to make peace.

They had a lot of gravy.

Yeah.

They had some gravy.

Very good gravy.

Some macaroni.

And then what happened was, because of his flashy

style, his flashy but very accessible style.

Italians.

All the squaws wanted to fuck him, and the chief got mad.

What are squaws?

That's a type of Indian?

I think that's a woman.

I think it's like a group of friends.

I thought that was like a woman in

squaw

squaw goals.

Squaw goals.

Squaw goals.

And then the Indians got mad and tried to fight him.

Well, what are the types of people?

And then he had to have a genocide.

It's Apache, Dothead, Savage, Savage,

Muslim,

Red and Seek.

Seek, Yeah.

Turban style.

Sikh is actually,

that's like the SS.

If Muslims are Nazis, if Muslims are Germans, then Sikhs are like the SS.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The Schutzstaffel

of

people are like, oh, these Sikhs are being attacked after 9-11.

They had too much pride to do 9-11.

They weren't responsible for it because they thought they were too good for it.

Yeah, it's a cowardly way to die.

Yeah, yeah.

If the Sikhs could have found a way to chop down the towers, I'm sure they would have.

And that justifies it in my mind.

Guys, Nick is just a troll.

No, he believes all this stuff.

You know what, and I probably brought it up before, but like, where the fuck is what happened to those turbans that had the jewel and the feather?

No, that was tough.

Yeah,

I could fix

Muslim American relations with the general public in fucking 20 minutes if you just let me sit these people down and just say to them, once and for all, bring back the jewel feather turban.

Wear it.

Put it on.

Muslims don't.

Just fucking

will pay for it.

I don't care.

Start wearing them.

That's what people want.

They do want that.

You make a deal with the police.

You put a camera in the jewel.

One gold tooth.

Yeah, the NSA will pay for the cameras.

The Muslims Muslims become the police body cams.

They get the cool.

Everyone thinks they're Aladdin's dad-in-law,

Jasmine's dad, the good guy.

Because right now, I'm telling you, you're Jafar.

Yes.

He had a tremor with another thing, too.

He did not have a jewel.

I think he did.

I think he had a red jewel.

No.

He was also kind of

fruity.

That's true.

That is true.

But he didn't want to fight.

All the bad guys were gay.

Yeah.

But Jafar and Jafar was sort of.

Jafar was sort of an Omar Mateen character.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

If you think about it, he was like a closeted.

He used to just go to the gay clubs and be like, I hate it here.

I hate it.

Everyone's so active.

I don't want to have sex with anybody here.

That's my Jafar.

Pretty good.

Not bad.

Not bad, right?

Yago, let me see.

They're supposed to be Muslim in Aladdin, right?

I don't know.

They're just supposed to be Arabian.

Arabian, yeah.

But didn't Jafar want to fuck Jasmine?

Yeah.

No, he only wanted to marry Jasmine so he could do it.

For the power,

but didn't he have like a weird creepy wanting to fuck her fucking eat her?

That's not creepy.

She was hot.

What if he's gay?

She was the hottest girl

out of any Disney girl.

She was fire, dude.

And she was hot as shit.

She had ass, too.

She had that ass.

I'm actually only attracted to the POC Disney princesses.

In case anyone's listening and keeping score in terms of the things I've said, Chuck, a big fat that's like a hundred points in the good guy category.

Yeah.

In real life, just white women.

I actually only wanted to fuck Sebastian, the Jamaican lobster.

I wanted to have.

That's huge, man.

That's trans species.

That's man.

I want him to use pinchers on my balls.

Ooh.

Put his claw in my ass.

He puts his tail in your ass while he pinches your balls.

The Jamaican.

I want to fuck Mulan when she's dressed as a man.

I want to put the tea kettle.

I want to fuck the tea kettle.

Warm up that fucking cat.

Yeah, I want to put the tea kettle.

I want the candle.

That French candle.

Oh.

What is going on in here?

That has to be the gayest word.

Condelabra.

That's the gayest word.

Yeah, wow.

There's Liberage documentary.

Yeah, for sure.

That wasn't bad.

I can see it.

That candle definitely went in people's asses.

That guy was definitely a gay candle.

Gaston was gay.

Gaston was hella gay.

Gaston was the only straight character in Beauty and the Beast.

What are you talking about?

The Beast was gay?

They were all gay except Gaston.

Gaston's the only guy that's straight.

Gaston's assistant, LaFou,

wanted to suck off Gaston so.

What if we're...

My favorite thing about Beauty and the Beast is that, like, you know, first of all, Belle is a piece of shit.

That character sucks.

She's just like the only person in town that knows how to read, and she's like, She's just everyone here.

Everyone.

Her dad works hard, like, you know, he's got a job making shit.

Sure, the shit he makes sucks.

But she's like, no, I'm just going to read all that.

Yeah, all his adventures did suck, dick.

Yeah, she fucking didn't do shit.

She sucked.

And then everyone in the town is just like, you know, like, no one's like, didn't we have a prince at one point?

Wasn't there some kind of government here that oversaw everything?

The prince has just been missing for years.

There's There's a mansion in the woods that no one checks in on.

I think we talked about this.

Yeah, we might have.

But who else would you fuck, though?

Sleeping Beauty?

Jasmine, dude.

She's so fire.

Yeah, Jasmine is the hottest one.

She's so fire.

She had the ass.

Were there any women dwarves?

Why weren't there any women dwarves?

On what?

In Sleeping Beauty and the Beast?

No, it's the old man.

The other one.

No,

they were seven dwarves.

I love you.

Oh, Maleficent, probably.

She was fired.

I love going to DeviantArt accounts where the seven dwarves are doing gangsters.

Oh, the best shit on DeviantAnton.

Yeah, that shit is great.

The best shit on

their little but thick-ass midget dicks.

No, that's great.

Best shit on DeviantArt is train sonas.

It's autistic people that draw themselves as trains.

Oh, yeah.

So they have like, you know, so it'll be like a Thomas Tank.

Hell yeah.

It'll be like a colored pencil drawing of like a Thomas the Tank engine character, but then it'll have those like those shitty rectangular lens crafters glasses

on the train.

Just no emotion on the train's face.

Like, this is my train sona, Eric.

Train Sona.

Yeah.

Which fucking stupid name?

Same persona.

But it's a train.

Yeah.

Damn, that's some good shit.

Chu Sona.

Oh, Arthur Chu got divorced.

Oh, that's funny as shit.

She left him?

Yeah, she was.

Did she look good?

I mean, better than Arthur should be able to do.

Yeah, that's true.

Was it right after Christian?

Arthur should really only fuck people that look identical to Arthur.

There's no lateral shit.

I have seen

so many shit that looking luckling like that.

You want to hear it?

You can't be like, oh, well, his wife's ugly, but in a different way.

Like, that's peak ugliest, Arthur.

That is true.

You want to hear us?

Arthur looks like the brain bug from the end of Starship trooper.

Oh, fuck.

My cousin, this is a funny kind of racist thing.

My cousin

is dating a Chinese guy, and she did

Snapchat face swap with his grandparents, like these two little Chinese people.

And they look exactly the same as without the face swap.

Old Asian people, it's like completely

cute.

Do you think that's why communism worked in that country?

Is because they all look exactly the same?

Yeah, you just replace one.

One goes out.

Yeah.

Yeah, but I mean, because even the Chinese people, they have to

have to be like, come on.

Yeah, I mean, you know, I mean, there's like with white people, they all came from like at some point, all extremely racist countries that insisted on inbreeding for, you know, thousands of years.

So that's what you do have some kind of.

So we're all cocker spaniels and yeah, exactly.

There's different like breeds of white people.

But with China, it's like, I mean, come on.

There's like four people that live there.

It's like The Sims, dude.

Dude.

China is an entire country built on like create a wrestler presets.

There's one guy that's like an asshole with like tie-dye sweatpants and a parrot on his head.

I think Juggalo makeup.

I think they all look really different.

I think there's at least 12 types.

There's like the Yao Ming, there's the Jackie Chan.

There's sexy bitches.

There's different flavors of sexy bitches.

You know?

Ones with big titties.

Ones with that are tall but trim.

So that's like two people right there.

Thoughts?

Um you know, I think that probably

if you live in China, it's probably easier to differentiate between different people that you

you live with.

I don't know guys.

If we have any uh uh Chinese nationalists that listen to the show, uh, just call in.

Go ahead and call in.

Let us know whether or not and I know this is like definitely uh an extremely stale inquiry.

Oh, yeah.

Probably dating back 30 years, but it hasn't been resolved.

We're doing like

a David Brenner bit right now.

Yeah.

Have you ever watched David?

There's just no answer.

Oh, I'm getting a call right now.

This better be good, dude.

This better be a fucking hilarious thing you have to say if you're going to do a phone act out.

What is it?

Adam, go through with it.

They hung up, dude.

Who hung up?

Oh, they hung up.

The Chinese national that was calling me.

All right, Thanksgiving facts.

So the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria.

Yeah.

Yes.

Do you know it was originally the Nina the Penis in the Santa Maria?

I do now.

I saved it.

Hell yeah, dude.

It was Nina, Latina, Rita, Chalandra, Freakali.

It was a Pete Pablo.

There was a fourth ship called the Freakale.

Freakali.

Petey Pablo was the original settler of Catan who came over from Europe for spices.

How fucking funny is that?

That like all of the problems

as far as racism.

the food was too much.

Because

somebody was like, I'm trying to put some hot sauce

on my damn bread.

That's how Europeans actually talk back in the day.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I learned this from the black Israelites,

medieval Europe, all black men.

It was.

Just the kings.

Yeah.

Everyone else was white.

All the subjects were white.

And the queen of the kings and queen.

Dude, I fucking love them so much.

I wish I could participate.

I would fucking love to be a part of that.

Jessup and their stupid costumes.

I love it.

They've been screaming at people.

King Arthur?

Oh, he was black.

Merlin.

Merlin was black.

Merlin was black.

Yeah.

Yeah, none of those people were real.

You know how

you spell

said they weren't to take them away from us.

You know how you spell Merlin?

M-A-R-Y-L-A-N-D.

Yeah.

Nice name.

Oh, yeah.

God.

Very nice.

Very nice.

Balmer Merlin.

Yeah, what do you guys do for Thanksgiving?

I was going to roll with you, but I just found out that you're not going home till Friday.

Yeah.

So what?

What the fuck is that?

But Thanksgiving is tomorrow.

Yeah, but.

So you're not going.

What the fuck is the point of going back on Friday?

Well, some of my family's not even going to be there till Friday.

So I just don't even give a fuck.

Do you have a Greek Thanksgiving?

No, we don't really give a fuck about Thanksgiving.

Greek people don't really care about Thanksgiving.

So I'm just going to go.

This is why Ant Coulter's right.

That's why you see go back.

I'm going Friday.

Greek people don't care about Thanksgiving.

Now we need to kick them out.

This isn't a women's shelter.

It's a contract.

I went to Starbucks today and had them write Thanksgiving on my cup.

Yeah.

Just pretending they have a problem with it.

You're gun in the selfie video you're taking.

I want you to watch this, YouTube.

I'm going into Starbucks now and I'm having them write Kwanzaa, Christmas, Hanukkah, Thanksgiving,

Arbor Day, Memorial, every holiday I can the cup.

If they run out of space, I am discharging my weapon directly over the fucking face kill.

The ethnic barista has paid too much money.

How is that?

That's like the last battleground of America.

Why are they so mad at Starbucks?

Is fucking lattes.

I'll tell you why, because if you drive cross-country and you go to some of these shitty-ass towns in the middle of nowhere, the only thing they have is a Starbucks.

That's like the most cosmopolitan place they have.

Yeah, dude.

That is New York.

That's the beacon of liberalism.

You walk in there, it's like a fucking Woody Allen to these Woody Allen movie to these people.

Yeah, I love that.

Every year, it's fucking something.

They were just writing Trump.

That shit is so good.

Yeah.

What a fucking

protest.

They won't write Trump.

I'm going to give these motherfuckers $12.

My name is Swastika.

You got to write it on there.

That's the rule.

Yeah, like that's even a law or something.

It's in the fucking Constitution.

Are you the same people that insist on misgendering people?

Yeah.

I am fucking saying Bruce.

They're like, they wrote my name wrong on the cup.

On my double shot, red eye, flat white.

That I had to have mine special.

And they wouldn't do it.

So now that you're not rolling, what are you doing?

How about you, Adam?

We're having Thanksgiving at my apartment.

I don't have to go back to Las Vegas.

No Vegas, dude.

Your parents are immigrants too my parents are immigrants but they uh they embrace they assimilated like bitches

unlike my dad who hates America he doesn't like like uh basketball or he hates everything dude really he hates it all if you didn't even take the language

fuck no you couldn't even really speak to anything well my parents were English speaking immigrants so we got a little bit easier my dad got kicked out of his uh citizenship exam did he yeah yeah because they they these are bullshit literally yes he was like because he couldn't spell things right and they were marking him wrong.

And he was like, I don't want to be a fucking citizen anyway.

Literally, he did just like that fucking.

He got kicked out.

He got tossed and he never went back.

So wait.

He's just overstaying his visa now?

I think he's got some kind of I mean, I don't know.

Hopefully he's legal because I'm going to get my dad deported.

It would be so funny if because of Trump my dad gets deported.

I'm going to report his ass.

Dude, don't do it, dude.

Don't report him.

I won't say his name.

Yeah.

It's a scary time.

You know, it's like in the first Care Bears movie when they call the Cosmos Cousins.

Yeah, we can all help.

But did they win?

Did Did they b beat Trump in the Care Bears?

Yeah.

Hillary becomes president in the Care Bears movie.

I just found out that woman, Tulsi Gabbert, on our smart politics episode.

I was like, yeah, she's going to be the next president.

She's a UN ambassador.

She's a...

No, no, that's Nikki Haley.

Yeah, well, she just got it, but they were talking about Tulsi.

She met with Trump.

She met with Trump, yeah.

She's also a fundamentalist Hindu.

She, like, supports Prime Minister Modi in India.

Modi supported genocide.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like killing all the Muslims in India.

She was protesting against gay marriage real hard.

Yeah, yeah.

It's a good thing you open your stupid mouth.

When I say smart shit, yeah, yeah.

Great.

For everyone's wrong about that.

We're also wrong about the fucking stock market, which nobody has apologized to me for yet.

I never said that.

Yeah, you did on the election night.

Everyone was like, oh, the fucking stock market.

No, I said immediately on election night that they were going to be running hog wild and like making a ton of money until the next fucking collapse, and we have to bail them out again.

No, no, no.

Everyone's like, oh, the markets are collapsing.

I was like, it'll bounce back.

No, and he's going to have a fucking political operative as chairman of the Fed.

He's going to lower interest rates around election times, and he's going to keep winning.

But that doesn't mean that we're going to have an overall healthy economy.

What do you think

the next bubble is?

The next bubble?

Yeah.

I mean, like, financial institutions are going to, it's going to be the same thing.

Like, financial institutions are going to get way too big, and if any of them fail, we're going to have massive systemic failure, and it's going to tank the entire economy.

That probably won't be the finance industry that does it.

It's probably going to be the.

What market is going to

bubble?

Sextile industry?

Sextile?

I think water now.

You think water is going to do it?

I think water is the most important thing in the next hundred years.

Yeah?

Yep.

What do you mean?

We have more water, though.

The glaciers are melting.

No.

See, look, these people, they don't even think these things through.

Look at him.

He's making up excuses now.

We're going to melt the ice caps.

Everybody's we're going to import the melted ice caps all the way to Flint.

I think that's bringing up the trans PP Bill.

The trans PP.

Trans PP Bill lets trans people go to China for free to pee-pee in the Koki's Revenge.

Sounds good to me, but it costs a lot of people toilet-making jobs.

I went to a toilet factory in flushing, Queens, where they invented the toilet.

I met all these people.

They love me.

I said, we're going to flush Hillary.

So he's not locking her up now.

No, he's not locking her up.

You should go to R/slash

lock her up.

It's pretty funny right now.

Oh, is it?

Yeah, yeah.

That sounds great.

Yeah.

They're very upset.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

They're like,

he's not the FBI.

He's just the fucking president, man.

He's like, he can't tell them not to lock her up.

Yeah, they're pissed.

Yeah.

I love how much they want Hillary Clinton to be in jail.

Oh, no.

Like, why do you be?

I mean, look, Trump this week is like, first of all,

I met Obama.

He's really cool, guys.

First of all, he's really, really cool.

My man Kushner is just running shit, it looks like.

Who's got a hilarious name?

Kush Kushner.

No one's got a better name than Mike Crapo.

The

Crap Man.

Hey, Crapster.

Where is he from?

I'm with Crap.

I'm with Crap.

God damn if he ran for anything.

anything, he fucking.

Who is that guy?

Who's Mike Crapo?

He's

Idaho.

Hold on, hold on.

He's you.

He's the senator from Idaho or Congressman or something?

I don't know.

Fuck.

Is he really me?

Yeah, he's you, dude.

That's fucked up, dude.

Whatever, dude.

He'll be in a bathroom trying to fuck a guy pretty soon.

That's why they want to keep trans people out of the bathroom.

Because that's where they try to fuck a transaction.

I might accidentally fuck a trans person.

I'm trying to fuck a real man.

I'm trying to have sex with a real man in the bathroom, secretly.

I've made that joke.

I've made that joke.

Yeah, well, I just made it now.

Nobody's heard you made that joke.

I said it on stage.

None of us witnessed that.

Sounds like you're fucking lying again.

I'm not lying.

When, where?

What show?

Crooked piece of shit.

I did it at the

Hollywood Improv.

I did it at the Hollywood Bowl.

Hollywood Bowl.

Yeah, well, I did it at fucking Carnegie Hall, dude.

Really?

The Carnegie Deli in line.

Across the street from the bottom of the ball.

Is that they named the hall after the deli?

Yeah,

it was their first.

God damn it.

You learn a new thing about this city every freaking day.

Well, that's what I love about it.

Andrew Carnegie actually took his name from the deli.

He named himself after the death.

He was a trans woman that lived in the bathroom.

And

when he chose, we got rid of his dead name.

He chose Andrew Carnegie.

Wow.

He chose his name from

because he likes the sandwiches.

God, we should get a deli.

We should get deli for lunch.

You guys want to get deli for lunch?

Not really.

Let's go to Cat's episode.

I want there to be something funny to happen in this episode so I can feel bad about it.

Wait, there's funny stuff.

No, you know what?

It's my fault because I wore workout clothes.

I got too comfortable.

Yeah, your T-levels are out of control, dude.

You're wearing your compressions or pheromones.

I'm too masculine right now.

It's no time to be funny.

You just want to fucking get yoked.

Yeah, I want to snowboard.

I want to fucking pull Sean White's bitch-ass hair.

How dare he have that hair?

On my mountain?

He doesn't have it anymore.

He cut it.

Not on my mountain.

Not on my fucking mountain, dude.

Not on my beach.

He's a soda-drinking, crew-cut-wearing fucking mountain.

And if you ponytail boys come up here again, I'm going to tie your balls to the fucking chairlift and put that shit on full blast and rip them off.

Holy shit.

Yeah.

And I fucking surfs too, dude.

He surfs?

Yeah.

Not on my water mountain.

No, this beach, this beach locals only.

Hey, locals only.

Hey, everybody, do the shock a sign at him.

Look at this fucking behe over here, man.

This fucking boohoo beheck.

Hawaii voted for Trump, right?

No, Hawaii is like the most liberal state in America.

Hawaii loves Trump.

They love him.

They got that spammy.

His haircut looks like the ocean.

That is true.

They do

the wispy clouds over the ocean.

He's very tan.

Does he still have a king?

They love having skin cancer.

Yeah, they all do have skin.

Didn't they used to have a king?

They have a king?

I feel like

the king of Hawaii is the guy that eats a 15-pound burger and gets his picture on the wall.

It's the guy from the punch.

It's whoever the fattest, Simone.

Some king of the buffet.

Yo, I'm about to chat.

It's still Hawaiian.

Spanish drank so much coconut milk.

This piece is locals only, bro.

The king is the guy from the punch.

The punch guy.

What punch?

Hawaiian punch.

Oh, that guy.

You know that's a hat?

Yeah, I didn't know it was a hat.

That's crazy.

I thought it was part of his head.

Yeah, I thought it was antlers.

No, it's a hat.

I thought it was weird hair.

Well, they updated it.

They got a new Hawaiian Punch guy now, who looks like he has cancer, by the way.

Yeah, he does not look good.

Why is he so fucking male?

Yeah, I thought it was some weird ginger.

Like the ginger in City of God.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And you're like, I understand he's actually from the favela, but do you understand how confusing this is going to be to racist American audiences?

John

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Why the fuck Archie

is in,

you know, yeah, he should be denying these people welfare in an office.

He shouldn't be in the slums.

Karen.

Yeah, fucking Carrot Top in Brazil.

Dude, that guy looks fucked up.

I met him once.

You met the guy?

No, you got him.

I saw him at Costco.

I think he was

a guy.

Carrot Top.

At Costco in Vegas?

Yeah, yeah, he lives in Vegas.

I would love to walk walk up to Carrot Top and be like, man, I just got to ask you, where did your name come from?

And then just act completely blown away when he's like, it's because I have red hair.

Like, oh my God.

I never realized that.

Mr.

Top, big fan.

Dude, he was buying so many props.

You want to know something autistic about me.

My friend in like quizzed me one time.

Like, Sonic came up.

Sonic the Hedgehog.

Sonic the Hedgehog.

And, like, do you know Tails?

Sure.

And he's like, do you know Tails' full name?

It's like, yeah, it's

Miles Tails Prower.

Which is his full name.

His name's Miles Prower.

What the fuck?

That's true.

I happened to know that.

And he's like, yeah, it's Miles Perhour.

And I was like, oh, and I just, yeah, it's Miles Brower.

But I had just

known that it was Miles Prower.

And he was like, wait, you just remembered that as a name?

I was like, yeah, I didn't understand why that character.

I never thought about it.

Right, right, right.

Yeah, he was just like a weird deformed animal that has a man's name for some reason, like a black tax attorney's name.

Yeah, yeah, it sounds like

Esquire.

It sounds like a personal attack right now.

Please leave a message and we'll get back to you at our earliest convenience.

Sounds like a

South Central LA personal injury attorney.

That's

basically an identical joke to what I just said that adds nothing.

That adds literally

to what the fuck I just said.

You're going to take the joke, and now I'm going to make it mine by saying the exact same fucking thing you did.

You couldn't even go on with another middle-class occupation.

I bought a TV the other day.

That's a classic, yeah, that's a classic Adam right there, my dude.

I got a 3K.

Shut up, bitch.

3K TV.

Tails was a small boy that Sonic fucked, right?

Yeah, Sonic fucked Tails.

Sonic fucked Tails.

I think Sonic,

like, Donkey Kong used to be fucked.

Knuckles.

What was Knuckles' thing?

Did he fuck Sonic?

No, he punched.

He was a punch guy.

He loved punching.

But do you think he fucked Sonic?

Was there a woman in this universe?

Yeah, there's a girl.

And I don't know if she's a girl.

She was yellow.

Amy.

Amy is the girl.

And did Dr.

Robotnik fuck anyone?

No, Dr.

Robotnik is asexual German.

Was he German?

Yeah.

Well, maybe he's Russian or something.

I always figured he was the villainous Jew.

You know what I mean?

I always thought he was like a villainous Jew.

Right?

Didn't you?

One of the classic archetypes.

I just wish I could grow his facial hair.

Like just giant orange triangles coming out from the sides of my face.

Yeah, what is that?

It's just a Chester B.

Arthur.

Yeah, they just put no effort into animating this shit.

They make it.

Because, you know, all of it stems from when video games were fucking 8-bit.

So

the proportions fit into whatever they could make look like a distinct shape

on that screen.

So when it became a cartoon and they just kept going with that blueprint, they were like, what the fuck is

this guy looks like?

It's a

freaky messed up.

Some weird oval.

I want to remember what he looks like.

What's up with Chris Chan these days?

With who?

Chris Chan.

Who's Chris Chan?

Oh, you don't know who Sonichu is?

No, Christian Weston Chandler?

No.

Oh, my God.

How have I not told you?

Is this like a computer thing?

No.

It's the most trolled individual in the history of the internet.

Really?

So it sounds like a computer thing.

I mean, I don't even know if it would be worth it to go into it because I'm sure everyone listening to this knows who Chris Chan is.

I think probably a lot of people don't.

Like me and Sonic.

Well, you're completely ignorant to what I'm talking about, so I I don't even know what your frame of reference is to say people do or don't know about it.

I just

I think we have a lot of listeners.

Yeah, okay.

Well, I'm sure a lot of them anyhow, so about ten years ago,

this guy got popular on the internet,

mostly on 4chan.

It was an autistic guy, like a 24-year-old autistic guy, lives with his parents, for posting this video where he's like, it's wrong to be gay.

No.

Being gay is incorrect and you should always be straight.

You know, or whatever.

But he's got around his neck this weird medallion made out of model magic that looks like a yellow sonic.

Hell yeah.

And people dig deeper and they find all these

cartoons.

He makes comics that looks like shitty.

He has the artistic abilities of a fucking 10-year-old.

So he draws these comics called Sonicu, which is a character he created that's just Sonic combined with Pikachu.

Oh, that's cute.

Yeah.

But he's a homophobe.

So, you know,

people would like just sort of observing him.

But over the years, the trolls became more and more involved in his life.

And he had all of these ongoing dramas.

And his main things, at least 10 years ago, were he was in search of

a boyfriend-free

girlfriend.

And he just

self-described a boyfriend-free sweetheart.

what he would do.

So, he would like put up, he would have a sign that he would write up that'd be like, I'm looking for a girlfriend, and he would go sit on the community college campus.

But then he had qualifies on there, like, she has to be white, she cannot be, you know, like just racist and stuff.

Like, you're not allowed to be fat, or whatever the hell he is.

This is this autistic guy, and like the dean of students, you know, kicked him off, and he got into this feud with the dean or whatever.

And then he was constantly being banned from his local game stop.

And so, he had these feuds going with it, you know, and he would make these videos of like, of like

create a character in like Soul Calibur of him murdering the dean.

Yeah.

He would like make the dean, then make a character for himself, and then have videos of him stabbing the dean.

And then the police had to get involved.

And like, you know,

and it just got better and better and better.

So

he had this quest to find a,

he described himself as noviophobic, which is some bizarre combination of Spanish and Latin or Greek, I guess.

Yeah.

Which means boyfriend-free or boyfriend-phobic, you know.

Okay.

And so he became a, but he just stalks women.

You know, there's a woman that worked at the mall that was nice to him.

And so he, like, unfortunately, she was nice to him.

So he would just wait outside the store and stare at her.

And she'd be like, get out of here.

And he would, like, run away, you know, come back and stuff.

Jesus Christ.

So as he got more and more attention online for his shitty comics, like, people started trolling him.

And it was all these 12-year-old boys that would call him up because they sounded like girls.

And they would pretend to be girls to troll this grown autistic man.

Oh, fuck.

Where did he live with parents?

His parents, yeah.

Obviously, yeah.

And, you know, so then obviously his nudes got leaked, and videos of him fucking blow-up dolls

and screaming, like, oh, Julie, I love you, Julie.

A 12-year-old boy pretending.

And

this was like all happening 10 years ago.

And he's got

so now he's trans.

Is he?

He's trans.

He basically killed his own father.

I think he set their house on fire.

He got them kicked out of their house because he uploaded, he's like, a tour of our home.

And the Department of Health found the video.

And their home is just in disarray.

And there's trash everywhere.

What?

So they got taken out of their home.

And

imagine being this kid's parents.

And a couple of years ago, he got arrested.

We'll buy him a computer.

It'll be good for him.

Yeah, he got arrested again at GameStop because because he they changed get this this is my one of my favorite recent chris chann things

uh uh sony changed the color of sonic's arms from tan to blue yes oh and he's like that's not what sonic's arms look like yes and so he went into the game stop and there's a video of him doing it he's just he's fully trans

so he's dressed like a woman and he goes into the game stop and he's trying to uh color in sonic's arms with like a blue magic marker yes and the employees are like what are you doing and he starts macing the employees.

Oh, what?

I love that it's like how stupid you are.

Then, like, Sony makes a change.

Yes.

And you go to your local GameStop and decide that's what's going to change it.

That's what's going to change it.

You got to be the change you see.

No, he's so good.

You know what?

But he's from an older version of the internet that was much fucking meaner.

And that's where, like, you know, Brandon and all these fucking idiots are like, oh, I love BB or whatever.

It's like you're exploiting him.

And at least the older fucking generation of internet people had the courage to be mean to these people.

Yeah, positive.

Positively.

And pretend like you care about fucking BB, Brandon.

You're laughing at a retarded man.

Fucking own it.

Yeah.

Oh, BB's so nice.

Oh, no, BB.

Shut up.

No, don't support Trump, BB.

No, Bibby must be thrilled.

Isn't BB a Trump supporter?

Yeah, huge shirt.

Oh, fuck, dude.

Well, we got to find something to close on.

I don't feel like recapping Sonichu for people who already know about Chris Chan is really worth it.

Geez,

what else?

I've had nothing, man.

I've been dealing with this legal bullshit all week.

Yeah, and I won, by the way.

I can't go into details, folks, but chalk one up for the little guy.

Yeah, just looking good.

Adam, have you fucked recently?

Actually, I haven't fucked.

Really?

Hit a little bit.

Yeah.

What's a little bit?

It's your dick.

Shut the fuck up.

Nick, take that back.

No.

Dude, take that shit the fuck back.

No.

Take your dick back to the tiny dick store.

Dude, I lost the receipt, so I can't even, I can only get store credit.

No, but if they look up your, if you paid for it with your debit card, they could look it up.

I didn't.

It was a cash transaction.

You paid cash for your tiny dick.

That's so stupid.

Fuck.

Now I tell you, these tiny dicks, a lot of people say that the girls don't like them, but they're wrong.

I tell you, they're absolutely wrong.

The girls go crazy for these tiny dicks.

It's true.

The only thing they want is to have their clit played with.

And that's the whole secret of the penis game.

Now, I'm telling you, because you don't look like a sucker to me.

You look like a straight shooter, and I respect you.

So, what do you say right now, right here?

Let's do it together.

Let's make a cash deal.

This tiny little dick.

I don't know, mister.

Just like a bigger dick.

I'm telling you, I'm looking at you now, and I can see that you want it.

For this amount of money, can I get a big dick?

I'm not sold.

I'm interested, but I'm not sold.

You're going to have to sell me a little harder.

Look, maybe you want to put it in the ass in the future.

What we're doing is future-proofing here.

Maybe big dicks are in now, but I'm telling you, in five and a half years, everybody's going to want to narrow to an airport.

Look what happened to the sedan market.

Everyone was saying big cars were going to drive a big car or we want a big car.

And then the Japanese came in with their tiny dicks, and everyone wanted a tiny one.

Yeah, that's true.

That is true.

He's my telling,

listen to me very close here.

You have to sign on the line.

Listen, I gotta talk to my wife before I get to the point.

Don't do that.

Don't talk to her, that fucking bitch.

That bitch.

She's a cunt.

She just doesn't want me to make financial decisions.

Can't listen to her for anything

for any one of these women that are driving a working man mad.

What kind of dick do you have, sir?

I don't worry about what kind of dick I have.

I have whatever dick I need to have.

This is about you.

This is about a deal I'm giving you here, Shelly.

I'm telling you.

Well, it's just she, we have a joint checking account, and she's going to see the charge.

And I just want to get her permission before I

think we've done enough, Jeff.

I don't think that's really adding anything to that.

Thanks for trying, Adam.

What about the insurance policy?

Did you just get more and more mundane into the dick?

Is there a warranty on this?

That's really the only impression I can do is him.

Oh, that's not true.

Nick, you're a good actor.

We got...

Did you guys know that listeners that Nick in secret is a good actor?

He's going to be in a new.

I'm actually method acting as a guy that's not actually racist.

For the podcast?

For the podcast.

Oh, I see.

That's cool.

Yeah.

That's a fun

act

out no that whole method acting thing

it sounds like bullshit to me it is bullshit no like though like Val Kilmer's like you know the greatest act actor of all time is who uh Jennifer Anderson yeah

I'm serious

Jennifer Anderson

she says she goes you just remember the lines you just say the words that's it you just yeah that's all it is that's really all it is no no no There's some people that are charismatic, and then they're just like that in their everyday lives.

But yeah, no, acting is.

Well, no, you got to get a haircut, and then you got to get a haircut.

You get a haircut and then you say

clothes.

And then you say the word.

You could see so.

There was an era of friends where you could see so much nip, and it was tight.

Yeah.

What?

Everyone was showing nip.

Everyone was showing nip.

It was like a bra free, like bra-free

kind of 90s.

We're feminists.

You know what was crazy on that show?

So Joey and Chandler have an apartment together and then they watch Baywatch because

it was network television, yeah.

So the implication there was that, you know, that was like TV code for Joey and Chandler would sit around watching porn beating off together.

Well, no, there was an episode where

they watched porn.

What?

So I think, yeah, there's an episode where

you get porn for free or whatever.

So the actual implication is that they literally were watching Baywatch and beating beating off together, I think.

Well, maybe they thought it was Stranger, I think.

Watching Baywatch with your boys and beating off.

That ought to have been like one of the EPs was also collecting royalties on Baywatch, and they're like, it has to be in the show.

You have to force people to watch Baywatch.

I think it was like a 90s.

Another thing people don't realize is that theme song was just written for the show.

Yeah, it was.

A lot of people think that that's a song that was just on the radio and then they used it for the show.

Guys?

Really?

The Rembrandt?

Yeah.

What about we don't have a theme song right now?

We get the Rembrandts to do it?

We get the Rembrandts.

Or we just use the Friends theme song.

That's what I'm saying.

Yeah.

You want to use the Friends theme song now?

Jobs, Joke.

You broke.

You love life's got HIV.

There you go.

Yeah, they're not really broke.

They all had pretty good jobs.

They lived in the West Village.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But he never got.

Just call him Joe.

I mean, this is well.

Joey's like a successful guy.

I don't want to go into the bit about how Friends is unrealistic because they have a nice apartment.

Please don't do that.

I'm just saying that the theme song is a lot of lies.

Yeah, the theme song is a lie.

I wish people fucked as much as people fucking said copy.

Also, where's that?

That fountain's in Central Park, right?

Yeah, that's the Angels in America Fountain.

Did that in that fountain?

You would be arrested.

Yeah.

You would be arrested.

Unrealistic.

There weren't that many people around, man.

Yeah.

You tell me there wasn't anybody around?

You just take your time.

Here's my comment.

How about a dance move?

The Hulk gets mad.

How does the shorts stay on?

That's what I want to know.

Who made Superman's costume?

Oh, shit.

Where'd he get that?

So true.

Where does that come from?

He probably

made it himself.

Right?

How is he also just a journalist?

He's just also a successful journalist, and that never comes up.

Well, he went to school.

Well, he's smart.

He grew up in Kansas.

He went to college.

But you never hear anything about his journalism career in the comics that I've never read or really paid attention to.

Yeah, there's probably an actual explanation for that.

They wrote it by Mike Lawrence.

He's like, actually,

there's a whole

side story.

Yeah, he probably reads the comic series.

It's a 700 comic series that's just Superman's articles

about municipal legislation in fucking Gotham City or whatever.

He just went.

Sitting there, turning the page, it's just a drawing of a newspaper that's like, the city council met today to discuss the new bus terminal at Maribeth Avenue.

This is good stuff.

It's him trying to get fucking student loans, student loan paperworks

in order.

All right, well, none of this was funny, but you know,

we did an extra long episode.

This is sort of how long was it?

This is an hour, 10 minutes.

Woo!

10 free minutes.

Hold on, hold on.

Let's plug the show.

We got a show on Monday

this Monday at Come On Everybody.

I forgot to ask Sam.

But Liza Traeger's on it.

Liza Traeger Temple and Jordan Temple.

I'm saying her name is Lisa.

Why does she say Liza Temple?

Lisa Traeger.

She's an actual friend of mine, and I know how her name is.

And it's not Traeger's Trieger.

It's Traeger.

Louisa.

Lisa Traeger.

Well, Lisa's on it.

Lisa's on it, and she's hilarious, and Jordan Temple's on it.

He's very funny, too.

And then Sam.

Oh, yeah, I saw him.

I forgot to ask him.

But yeah, yeah.

Anyway, yeah, come to the show.

It's going to be good.

That's it.

All right.

You finished?

Yeah, we're done.

Turn this off now.

Yeah, turn it off.

Just turn it the fuck off.

Just shut up, bitch.

No.

You know what?

Keep this.

Turn the fucking thing off.

I'll turn it off when I'm ready to turn it off.

I'm hungry.

Turn it off.

I want to turn it off.

I want to go to Katz's death.

Lock her up.

We're that lady at a fake orgasm.

I've never seen the Katz's.

It's not.

I want to send the fake orgasm carrying a sandwich.

We already talked about it.

I want to go fucking bake pies.

We already talked about it.

We did the Katz's Deli thing.

About the fake orgasm?

I don't know.

Sorry.

We probably did, yeah.

Did we?

We definitely did.

Because I got a bit about that.

You do have a bit.

You know what a podcast is for?

It's for all the shit that you know wouldn't work at Open Mic.

Yeah, that's what we're doing with each other.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll tell you, I got a TV.

Shut up.

Just press the fucking button.

Let's go make podcasts.

Fucking.

Do it, bitch.

All right.

Just end.

No, hold on.

Here's what I'm going to do.

I can turn your mic off.

Now I get the final.

No, now I get the final word.

My mic turned off too.

Yeah, I turned both of your mics off.

So that's been the episode, guys.

Thanks for listening.

It's not going to pick up.