Ep. 27 – Adam’s Last Stand

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We're trying a new thing on this one where I don't check the levels before.

Is it even recording?

Yeah, it's recording now.

So this episode started.

Can't you see the volume?

Yeah,

like a readout.

I'll get a general idea where it's at.

Okay.

Whoops.

Yeah.

How was that?

You're screaming.

Ah!

Ah!

There we go.

That's good.

We got to keep it quiet, anyways.

We're doing another late night one.

Well, I guess after, not so much after dark, but after work.

I'm nude.

We're all naked.

We're all wearing smoking jackets and no pants.

Yeah, I did the commercial I worked on today,

Chock Full of Celebs.

Oh, yeah, who do we got?

I mean, I don't even know if they take the NDA seriously, but there's

some pretty fucking big names.

Oh, nice.

Yeah, it was a promo for a movie.

Travolta.

It's like a.

Hairspray 3?

Yeah, it was Hairspray 3.

So it was John Travolta, Ricky Lake,

Divine.

Isn't Divine dead?

Yeah, she's been dead.

They dug her up.

He's been dead.

The guy.

I respect her pronouns.

I think the pronoun was he.

Feierstein.

Harvey Feierstein.

Yeah.

Stone.

Harvey Firestone.

Harvey Feierstein.

Is that

dead?

Oh, David, there's aliens coming.

Yeah.

That's what I didn't understand about the new Independence Day is they retconned in a gay couple, but it was implied that Harvey Feierstein was was gay in the first one.

I know.

They already had a gay character.

Exactly.

And then they came out with a new one, and they just made Brett Spinner gay.

And he's like,

well, I think we already talked about it on the list.

Was he extra gay?

No, he's actually not gay at all.

He's basically just like, I'm gay, by the way.

I'm so sorry.

I was just beating off the two boys, kissing each other.

Yeah, yeah.

No, he wakes up and

he was in a coma for like 25 since the first movie.

And he wakes up and his boyfriend scientists is there and he's like, baby, you're awake.

And he's like, Baby, I love you so much.

And then they both look at the camera and they're like, huh?

Wait, this is Goldblum?

Is gay?

No, Goldblum is not one of the scientists.

He's a guy.

Isn't he a scientist?

No, he's just Jewish.

His character is just a Jewish person.

And they're really good at math.

Oh, yeah.

So he is science math.

No, that movie starts.

Actuarial math.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I've noticed that the

there, well, there is a

signal.

I wonder if the script was written that way.

Just nine pages of the word

probably.

Every Gold Bloom vehicle has that.

Yeah.

Did we talk about the Independence Day?

Briefly.

Yeah, I never saw it.

I didn't see it either.

That's why we didn't talk about it.

It's only

atrocious.

Yeah,

it's a dog shit.

No, it didn't, dude.

The trailer looked cool.

I was excited about it, but it's really not a good movie.

when I when it came and went and I didn't hear anybody talking about it I was like crushed that was the one summer movie I was excited about yeah 2016 was the worst movie or ever right probably

there was no good summer blockbuster art is pretty much dead yeah I mean and it's never gonna

fucking get better Ghostbusters was really I mean I didn't think I thought like people were like oh well Trump's gonna be good for comedy and I didn't believe that and then immediately bad for comedy immediately they proved that it's not it's fucking awful for comedy.

Yeah, they had what's her name, crying and playing piano.

That sucked, man.

We're in a golden age of comedy.

You know what I like to believe is that they

had already planned to do that.

They had planned to do that, and then they had to get permission from Leonard Cohen.

And then he was like, what the fuck are you doing?

And he had a heart attack.

And then I killed him.

Sorry, it was a shitty idea.

That's another bit that I've really.

I didn't watch the Chappelle monologue either, but I'm not sure.

It was not good.

I really haven't seen it.

Honestly, like, like, you know, I love Dave Chappelle, but anytime I've seen him since he quit, he's just been okay.

Yep.

You know, I mean, and there's funny moments here and there, but it's everyone pretending like it's, you know, Chappelle like he was fucking 20 years ago.

No, it's not.

No one in comedy is ever that good.

George Carlin is the only guy that did it, and it's because he had to, otherwise, he was going to go to prison.

I'm serious.

He owed like

millions of dollars to the IRS.

You're laughing.

That's so good.

Yeah, you're laughing, but it's true.

Like, he owed all his money to the IRS, and he couldn't pay.

I hate it.

He had to write more specials.

So everything from 1974 on was just so he could pay back taxes.

Bill Cosby, I hate to say it.

He's a monster, but pretty good into old age.

He stopped standing more, but I mean, like, pretty good for a 97-year-old man, like, I guess I hate it.

He's probably better at stand-up than he is entering and exiting a vehicle.

Yeah.

Yeah, I watched SNL Live this weekend, which I never do.

Oh, nice, man.

But

where?

At my apartment.

Cool.

Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, it's

Dave, like, I preface by saying he's my favorite comic ever, probably.

Especially, like, growing up.

Yeah.

But, uh, I just did, I didn't see it.

I just, that whole shit.

Sick of people telling me to give Donald Trump a chance.

I'm not.

I don't need like a rich person to tell.

I don't need like a million Oprah to fucking tell me, oh, yeah, calm down, give Donald Trump a chance.

I know, dude.

Look at his fucking cabinet.

That shit is so good.

Just fucking Newt Gingrich is in the middle of the day.

Yeah.

And then fucking the guy from Breitbart just works in the White House now.

That's so good, dude.

Yeah, I mean, I don't honestly.

We already did a politics episode.

We don't need to do that.

No.

I was fucking

chamber loaded, ready to go on Independence Day.

I got nothing to do with it.

We derailed it completely.

Do you have anything else for it?

Did we?

Oh, yeah.

I wish you had seen it.

It's terrible.

You can tell us.

Amber, did I talk about it on your podcast?

The Independence Day movie.

Yeah, okay.

So that's which one away.

Okay, so

guys, I'm podcast rich now.

I've done too many podcasts.

I can't remember what I said.

I'm going to get like Alzheimer's at like 36

from recording every conversation I've ever had.

Where am I?

We should just stop talking, not recorded.

We should just have the fucking

that was actually me and Adam's original idea for a podcast.

We were going to do like the Nixon tapes podcast, and we were going to be Nixon and Kissinger having conversations.

We're going to be bringing guests on for five minutes and then talk shit about them for being like, you know, a crypto Jew or whatever after they left.

The Jew is not a trustworthy individual.

The Jew is a natural spy.

Oh, fuck.

I love that shit.

I also love Johnson's where he's talking about just finger fucking on some other recordings.

It's so good, dude.

Yeah.

How did he think that was going to be a good one?

Yeah, yeah.

Is he on the Nixon tapes?

No, but he's on the Johnson tapes.

He had a conversation with Billy Bush Sr.

Billy Bush Sr.

The other Bush dynasty.

The cousins of the political Bushes were entertainment bushes.

And they went back.

It was awesome.

He said nylons ruined finger fucking.

LBJ then?

LBJ.

He's the man.

My man was just fucking.

That's finger popping.

But Nick, how about that Independence Day movie?

There's a lot of bad shit going on in that movie.

It opens up, and Hillary Clinton is, it's not Hillary, but it's basically Hillary Clinton.

President Hillary gets a lot of president bitch.

Yeah.

And sorry.

Whoa, dude.

Space Hillary's giving a speech, and she's like, as you all know, there's been no wars since the aliens left.

And it's like,

you wouldn't ever say that in the context.

Like,

nobody talks like that.

And she's like, there's been no war.

You know, it's all this bullshit exposition to catch you up, you know, on what the starting point for the movie is.

But it's like, that's where the last one left off.

You can just assume that there hasn't been

some war unless you wrote it into this, you know, your perfect world scenario.

And

it's like, there's been no war since we beat the aliens and we've used their technology to help, but now that's why we have like space flight or something now.

And anyhow, just you know,

happy 4th of July, America.

That's where the movie started.

And then it cuts to her in the office, and she's like, great speech, Elizabeth.

And she'd been reading over it, and it's like, it's a terrible speech.

We're just using it to get to, you know, the beginning of the movie.

Sure.

So why even say great speech?

Just have her, just look over and be like, oh, okay.

And then it cuts to the hallway outside, and there's a picture.

There's like a poster hanging in the wall

outside the Oval Office.

There's like, for whatever reason, just jammed into the corner.

Yeah.

A picture of Will Smith.

And it looks like just a still from the first movie.

It looks like they just stripped all the text off the first movie.

Wait, he's not in it, though, right?

No, you see a black guy come into the shot, and you only see the back of his head, and you're like, there's Will Smith, and then it shows the front of his head, and it's not Will Smith, you know, and it's like, and then the president, Madam President, greets that guy, and she's like, oh, I'm so glad you're here.

Sorry, your dad's dead, by the way, and he couldn't be here.

Sorry, your dad had to do Suicide Squad, and he couldn't be here.

Yeah, basically.

It's just

so poorly done.

The entire movie.

Hell yes, dude.

the whole idea is like there's been no war or whatever, but then they have to go to like meet with these African warlords that carry swords, and Jeff Goldblum's all like scared when he meets them.

And it's like, you just said there's been no war.

Why would he be afraid of these people?

Dude, what happens?

The aliens come back and fuck shit up?

The aliens come back and they defeat them by doing literally the exact same thing they did in Christmas.

So there's been like Star Wars wherever they were.

Yeah, they have like an alien, they have a secret alien ship, and then they have to go inside the mothership.

They have to shoot a really small hole.

There's like two motherships or something.

I think they learned, I don't know.

I mean, it was the same thing with Force Awakens, how Force Awakens fucking sucked.

Yeah.

And everyone was like, oh, that was good.

It's like, no, it just wasn't as bad as the fucking prequels.

The first verse three.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And so it's just

the same plot.

I mean, there was some cool shit.

That's what they're doing with the

Independence Day.

They're like, yeah, let's just make the same exact movie, not go crazy with it, bring everyone back that we can, except the one guy that made the movie a blockbuster hit.

Oh, fuck, dude.

I was sick all day today.

I watched a dog-awful, really bad movie.

Dog awful, God-awful?

Dog-awful sucks.

Are you not blaspheming anymore?

You were watching.

That's how fat lady third-grade teachers say God-awful.

They say dog-awful.

Yeah, dude.

Like a fat lady with a gods of Egypt.

Did you guys know that?

Oh, hell yeah.

Oh, yeah.

And it's all white people.

It's all white people with British accents, and the gods are transformers, basically.

They turn into like flying transformers.

That sounds tight.

I want to make a movie called

I wanted to watch the worst possible movie.

I want to make a movie called 13 Years a Slave, and it's about an Irish guy who comes to America.

Yeah, it's true.

It was worse.

He moved to Boston.

Yeah, the Irish were slaves, too.

Yeah, yeah.

But 13 years.

My favorite is Greek Greek people are like, yeah, the Greeks were slaves because the Ottoman Empire just took over Greece.

Like, that's not the same fucking thing as slavery.

They were just like some fucking fat Turkish guy.

Yeah,

from what I understand, from what I've seen in movies and film, like the

Roman term slave just means girlfriend.

Like exotic.

A girlfriend that speaks kind of broken English

that you met while you were away at war.

That's what slave means.

Yeah.

Well,

Thomas Jefferson had that interpretation of the word as well.

Oh, yeah.

My man was smanging.

My man.

My man was committing raped, yo.

Anytime you meet him slave.

Hell yeah, yo, TJ, get in them fucking guts, yo.

Them's your slaves, yo.

Anyway, he was such a good writer, dude.

He wrote a really sick Constitution for us.

Yeah.

Anytime I meet a black person with a last name Jefferson, I'm like, maybe.

You know?

Wasn't it Fields?

Hemmings, I thought.

Sally Hemmings.

Oh, Sally Fields is

Fields.

Sally Fields.

Stanley Fields.

Sally Hemmings.

Sally Hemings.

Sally Hemmings.

Yeah.

His slave.

That's so.

Yeah, everybody got up in them.

The last name Hemmings is

descended from American royalty.

That's right.

Yeah, that's true.

Yeah, dude.

Yeah.

Yeah, I never meet any black people with my last name.

Which makes me feel good.

It's Irish.

Yeah.

Marlin.

Yeah.

It's not how we talk.

My name is Nick Marlin.

I haven't ever had sex before.

I haven't ever had sex.

I've never had sex before.

Speaking of Irish,

I watched the MMA.

I had sex with men.

I love Haggis and Sex with Min.

That's probably Scottish, but...

Yeah, that's the same.

What is shit, man?

I watched the MMA thing this weekend.

Leah Connor?

That dude is sick.

He's awesome.

Yeah, he's going to be a movie star.

And he just talks shit all the time.

Yeah, he's like, I don't give a fuck.

I'm so fucking pissed off.

And he was trolling.

He was like,

I'd like to apologize to absolutely nobody.

Fuck off.

Sham does whatever the fuck he wants to do.

Why is he going to be a movie star?

Because he's got.

He's going to be a wrestler.

He legitimately will be a wrestler.

He can beat people up.

He can do action stuff.

I think he should get a combat background.

I think he should.

He's a cabinet level appointment.

Too bad he's not a fucking citizen.

You don't have to be a citizen to be a cabinet, do you?

No, you don't.

You don't have to be a citizen.

You have to be born here.

We learned that in the last eight years.

I found this guy.

I was arguing with this guy online.

I keep telling these conservative groups that

he's Algerian and he's bringing Sharia law to the United States.

And I found this guy's phone number.

Yeah, I want to call him.

Yeah, you're trolling for the good guys now.

No, he's just doing the best.

He's a chaotic force, dude.

There's no trolling for anybody.

Well, that's what trolling is supposed to be.

He's a troll purist, dude.

I mean, no, it's like I you know, I think like the alt-right's probably gonna lose a lot of numbers now that like Trump is actually in office.

Because if the people that are just there to be trolls, they can't,

you know, they can't just

get it.

Yeah, right.

You know,

they have to fuck with people.

So if their ideas are ever popular.

Yeah, but there's still journalists and stuff they can call Jews and stuff like that.

That's true.

Yeah, that is true.

There is some important work still to be done.

Yeah, they still need to get rid of the.

Well,

there's going to be a Holocaust of American Jews, and APAC's gonna pay for it

dude you hear yeah we're gonna make them pay for it

we're gonna make Israel pay for it Israel's gonna pay for the Holocaust

that makes sense dude yo I hope we got a fucking wall though yo yeah there's already too many fucking burritos over here how nervous Adam is dude don't worry we'll hide you we'll hide you dude I'm wearing the stuff at my we're gonna have to break your room look at my room look how good I'm at good at at making cubbies.

I'm going to put a bookshelf.

You'll have your own little

five.

You know, a wall.

You have to have a daughter named Masha who keeps trying to learn English from the humans.

From the humans.

Yeah.

The humans are our friends.

Masha, you must not trust them.

They are my friends.

They are not your friends, Masha.

They are teaching me how to read.

But Fival just talked normal, right?

Yeah.

I love that shit.

Well, Fival was written by Saul Bellow, right?

Was it?

Yeah.

When I was a kid.

When I was a kid, people told me it was Jewish, so

I liked it.

Oh, basically, every penny was Rad is Jewish.

Yeah, that's true.

Chuck E.

Cheese, Radigan,

Rad Suzui,

the cook.

Who's the other one?

Mickey Mouse?

Stuart Little's a Jew.

Mickey Mouse from the Rad Fink from the

Ed Roth

cartoon.

From what?

There's like,

you know, those Ed Roth cartoons?

Those

are the drag racing cartoons.

Yeah, those hot rod cartoons.

Those aren't Jews.

They're too cool to be.

Well, the mouse, the rat is.

Oh, cool.

We're going through.

Now I'm just naming cartoon rats that I can think of.

Is that an exhaustive list of cartoon rats?

Who else do we got?

Were there any rats in.

What about Tom?

Tom's a mouse from

Jerry, I guess.

Is the mouse?

No, Tom's the mouse.

Jerry's the cat.

No, Jerry's the mouse.

Jerry's the mouse.

Tom's the cat.

Jerry.

Tom is the cat.

Jerry's a Jewish name.

Jerry's definitely a Jewish name.

Jerry Hellier.

N.W.H.

Jerry Steinstein.

What other fucking mouse mises are there?

Was there a mice in Garfield?

Yeah,

the lasagna was all mouse lasagna.

John?

Yeah, John's Jewish.

For sure.

Yeah.

No, I mean, that's really, there's a

Garfield where Garfield, John puts the menorah out, and he's like, Garfield, don't eat my menorah.

And then Garfield eats the menorah.

How did he come up with this fucking stuff, man?

Yeah, every time I read Garfield, I'm like, is he going to eat that fucking lasagna?

What's going to happen here?

Yeah, you better not eat that fucking lasagna.

That's a hungry cat.

Yo, I love that fucking cat.

You know, it makes me want to get a cat, and then I see the real ones, and it's like, nah, they're gay.

They're too soft.

Excuse me.

They don't shout those like that.

Sir, can you please leave Pet Go?

You're scaring the ass.

Yeah, let me get a fucking cat.

Yo, make it talk any fucking Italian food, yo.

Why did we open a pet go and dundal?

He's just holding out slice meatballs.

I'm sorry, we had to send all the parrots back to headquarters because they learned the N-word.

Push monkey.

Get away from my sister.

That's a fun bit.

Oh, I love Dundalk, baby.

Yeah, we stopped in Baltimore.

We were in D.C.

this weekend.

Yeah.

Big hunt did a little road trip.

We did a sample of the soon-to-be Adam-free episodes.

Yeah, once we hit 5K.

Yeah.

Adam's gone to be replaced with a rotating cast of Jews.

Oh, God.

Dude, it's not.

You know, I'm trans.

We had a great episode without.

You fucked me.

Yeah.

That already happened.

I have a mental disability.

I'm brain damaged.

What do you mean you're brainstorming?

Yeah.

You know, we got a whole...

We got the.

You were molested on the last episode?

I was molested on the last episode.

Yep.

We got in.

Well, that's why you need me here.

No, dude.

He's better off for it.

Yeah.

He's stronger now.

Yeah.

Well, you know, we we have one episode without you.

You come back, you're sick, you're getting germs all over the microphone.

I'm not sick because I wasn't on the podcasts.

You know, maybe you are.

But I'm sick because of the Trump administration.

It makes me goddamn sick to my stomach.

Is this Dickfield?

No.

You were doing the Dickfield voice.

That's just me when I'm not around you guys.

That's him at home.

That's what every Google is.

I try to

gentile it up around you guys.

That's Hebrew.

That's him speaking

cup to your wall.

Try to sound like you're trying to perfect the voice.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, people have been sending me his statuses the last week.

Yeah, you sent me one of those.

Oh, they're so good.

You know, and I know I said that no more bullying.

I know I promised that.

But, you know, who saw this election coming?

Who saw this result?

And I feel like that's a message from America that

it's time to bully again i think so dude you know bullying one it's alpha males won dude this is an alpha male podcast again well i think it's like because people were too afraid to bully people that suck that's how that's how donald trump won it's true we were too nice so in the spirit of whatever loose point i can piece together

well yep i agree we're not bringing up seth again

seth goes high we go low yeah

he had one did you did i send you that one like oh i was in a

coffee shop the other day, and I'm explaining to the white barista that this is fascism that we're living under.

And it's like,

what are the other people in line thinking while he's doing this?

And it's just, how are you always in a coffee shop getting into arguments?

Also,

he's not doing that.

He thought about doing it.

Last month, I spent $47,000 on croissants.

What is this?

Yeah, take a shot, bitch.

I have a cold.

Just do it.

Just take the medicine.

Take the medicine.

Take it, dude.

Ah, dude,

those were roofies.

Yeah, we're about to fuck you in the ass, yeah.

It's got a little menthol finish on it.

Hell yeah, dude.

Smooth going in.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I wish I could drink.

You just saw him do a shot of cold medicine.

Oh, yeah.

Anytime I get the flu, I become like addicted to NyQuil for like three and a half weeks after the flu's over.

I'm like, gosh, gosh, I still don't need it.

Did you ever trip on DXM Robo trip?

So many times, dude.

Yeah.

Really?

I probably have holes in my fucking brain.

It's such a stupid way to get high.

I literally used to

eat like a box of coracedin every single day after work and just fucking trip.

Coracedin coughing cold.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

And that's crazy.

What does it mean to take it?

Yeah, for like a month and a half long period.

Are these the pizza shop days?

Yeah, actually.

You can't move.

You like.

Yeah,

it's like ketamine.

Yeah.

Do you get a hang of it?

It's disassociated.

Did you do it right now?

No, I would never do it.

The last time I did it, I threw up immediately.

I like forced myself to throw up because I started dripping, and I'm like, why am I fucking doing this?

Jesus.

I did it once in college, and it was enough.

I was just like, I don't think my penis is ever going to come back.

I think it's done.

Where was it?

Yeah, you just look at my friend's storm here, and it just doesn't make sense.

Nothing makes sense.

For some reason, I felt like I had the smallest penis in the world.

For some reason, I just wanted to say that.

See, the thing about the drug is

true, yeah.

We understand things as they really are.

Dude, thank God.

I'm wearing these

colored beach ass mudafuca.

Beach ass mudafufa.

Madam Friedland is a little dick-ass boy who has never had sex.

The only way to cure the issue of a smaller penis is you must find an albino child

and then you will use the a virgin

to remove uh the ears and eyelids of the albino child

and when it is a screaming

only then will you penetrate the child

we must have this in africa i have never had had consensual sex in my life.

You must never respect a woman.

If I ignore one thing,

it is that.

Always wear sandals and never respect a woman.

The only time I take off my sandals is when I have to rape.

God damn, I love this character.

I literally almost crashed the car.

We were doing that shit.

Well, what?

Just African guy.

African man, dude.

Come on.

Don't condemn his race.

That G-Unit is like huge in Africa.

Really?

Not just 50 as a solo artist.

I mean, he's pretty big there, too.

Is it just 50?

The group, Lloyd Banks, Young Buck

at 50 Cent is like huge in Africa.

You know, he's the number one sell-out artist in all of Africa.

Who?

Christopher Carlos Carrington.

Justin

Cross.

That's Christopher Cross.

They love Yacht Rock.

They love Salen.

Well, they all dress like him.

With like a silk pink shirt,

size 48 waist,

billowing khakis and sandals.

Chris Cross was actually surprisingly boring dressing.

I think he just wore like jeans and a t-shirt.

Yeah.

Yeah, because he was an artist who, when Salen dropped, everyone's like, this is the next big Yacht Rock superstar.

And then they saw him and he appeared.

They saw a picture of him in like a magazine because it was pre-like pre-like MTV or whatever.

And they were like, this guy.

Yeah, because that album, the cover, is just a flamingo.

Yeah, it's awesome.

The green thing with the flamingo.

What's the name of that album?

I forget.

That's the one with Salem on it.

It's got Ride Like the Wind.

Ride Like the Wind's on it, too.

Yeah.

It's got Arthur's theme on there, too.

Arthur's theme was from the movie.

The movie, but I think it's on that album.

I don't think it's on the album.

But yeah, Jamil put me onto that album.

But yeah,

then it turned out

he looked like a pig, so he could be famous.

Really?

How ugly was he?

I've noticed.

He's pretty ugly.

Damn.

Not everybody.

There's another guy,

fuck, Joe

Pentigliano.

I want to say Joe Robinson, but that's not it.

That's the song Stepping Out.

That was another guy that was like hideous.

I forget.

That was part of that genre.

Yacht Rock?

Not yacht rock, but just not whatever that like contemporary.

Adult contemporary.

Yeah, adult contemporary, not, you know, new waves zero cool

easy music to music

yeah music to watch the euthanasia fucking drugs drip into your arm

while listening to

oh fuck

that's that good shit man yeah joe what the fuck is his name i don't know i don't know any fucking old white people music because all that shit that i listened to was just my family my family like listen to greek music Who's like...

What's like...

What kind of Greek music?

Like, Greek rock?

My family didn't listen to that shit either.

Really?

Yeah, I got into yacht rock stuff when I was like.

Yeah, my parents still listen to it.

What do your parents listen to?

Like R.E.M.

and Nirvana.

Really?

Yeah.

My parents are

a little bit older.

What?

Yeah.

My parents listen to Bob Dylan and the Beatles.

No.

They listen to that shit?

Yeah.

Bob Dylan.

College rock?

Like, early 90s college rock?

Yeah.

That's strange.

My parents like Paul Simon and the Beatles.

No, my parents, I don't, they like, I guess, stayed, you know.

My aunt listens to like Pharrell and shit.

She's like a 16 years old.

Yeah.

My dad really fucked with that.

That's fucking strange, dude.

It's weird.

It's really weird.

My dad really fucked with that Santana

Supernatural album.

The one with Rob Thomas?

All the hits.

My dad made me download Duddy Rock for him.

Sean DePaul?

Yeah, yeah.

What the?

Your dad like Sean Paul?

Yeah.

That's like give me that album.

I love that, dude.

Yeah.

Just give me the light was on that.

Just give me the light.

Oh, light blue is a fucking banger.

It's a fucking banger.

Yeah.

My friend always does that at karaoke, and it's kind of racist.

Why?

Because he's doing.

It's really hard.

It's like, at first, you're like, well, it's a little bit racist, but that's just a lot of people.

White people doing karaoke at all is racist because it's Japanese.

It's a karaoke.

Karaoke.

Karaoke.

It's culturally appropriate.

White men to use consumer electronics.

That's true.

I won't even

hear it, but I got a Ford television.

It runs on gasoline.

Got carbon monoxide.

Oh, shit.

Oh, man.

God damn, dude.

Yeah, that's fucking hilarious, dude.

You still listen to Sean Paul?

I know.

That is so fucking hard.

Yo, there was a period where he had like 11 number one hits in a row.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And Shaggy, too.

Shaggy was like the funny version

of Sean Paul.

Didn't Akon give Africa like light bulbs or something?

Yeah.

Yeah, I think so.

He also remotely.

You know why he's rich as fuck?

Because he signed Lady Gaga.

Lady Gaga.

He got all that Lady Gaga people.

Yeah, he gets a lot of people.

Lady Gaga, who's leading the charge

and the petition to have the electors

give Hillary the presidency, anyways.

Well, it's only right, dude.

Yeah, what the fuck is that petition?

Like, people think, really,

well, they don't have to vote for Donald Trump.

They could save America.

They technically don't, but that's

what the petition is going to do.

There would be domestic terrorism for sure.

There would be militia just

absolutely swarming.

It would be like fucking McVay-level bombings by right-wing extremists if they did that.

Damn, that would be fucking because those are the guys that are just fucking waiting for an excuse.

Right, right.

You know, I mean, what did the fucking Bundy shit happen over?

Like a post office?

I think.

That they wanted to, like, you know, put a calendar or something.

They wanted to let their calendars.

They wanted to get rid of the Garfield calendar and the post office.

No, my fucking, this is my country.

No, it was a land rights issue.

Yeah, something, yeah.

There was like, but they took over.

I know what it was, but it's, I'm doing a big joke.

You don't have to fucking

lose

your cattle.

Beachas.

Adams.

He's a beach.

This is why you are not allowed to come on the pirate missions.

You must stay here and get AIDS.

Like the Wimon.

Stay in the village.

Well, what a good bit, boys.

Yeah.

We were periscoping that guy in the car.

African guy?

Yeah.

I do pretty good ones.

Yeah.

Oh, you're from Africa.

Yeah.

I always forget that you're African American.

African American.

Yeah.

Wait, so.

That's why I got into Harvard.

So you could join the National African American Colored People Association.

National Association.

The National College.

Oh, you mean the National NWACV?

Yeah.

That's the best thing anyone's ever said.

You said that?

My friend Eric.

Yeah.

Oh, hell yeah.

That's the whole thing about the fucking

transracial.

Right.

Rachel Dolezal.

Could you join the NWAC?

There's this batch.

Okay.

There's this batch in Spout College.

No, he's not a colored person.

It's only for people of color.

It was smart that they named it that because that was a bit when I was growing up.

People were like, what, colored?

And it's like, you know.

It's smart.

Now they're just, you know, people like Adam can't game the system.

Right, right, right.

Yeah.

Like the United Negro College Fund.

Again, that's a smart choice.

Ah, that's true.

Yeah.

It's not Africa, nothing to do with Africa.

Right.

Smart.

The only African-American thing is the

NCAA.

That's true.

Yeah, or USAA.

You get USAA.

You had your car towed.

I already got it.

Oh, fuck.

What's up, dude?

Tired?

No, I'm just sick.

It's fine.

I'm sorry, buddy.

Talk about it on the podcast.

Yeah, well, we're tired because I've been at work since 6 o'clock in the morning.

Yeah, and I was at work for a living, dude.

And I made an omelette.

I made a salad today.

I'm trying to be healthy, boys.

I'm trying back on that health kick.

I'm trying to get back on the health kick.

I'm trying to, you know, summer 17.

I'm out there.

I'm sucking.

I'm fucking, dude.

That's what it is.

Did you get laid in DC?

I did, but it was.

Why are you exhaling like that?

It was a tough one, dude.

Yeah, he's been complaining about this for like three days.

I haven't been complaining.

I haven't brought it up.

Just a girl that I wasn't that interested in was talking to me, and I was like, I don't really want to, you know.

And then she was like, hey, do you want to.

Was she a com?

Was she in the scene?

She just saw the show.

She was just at the show.

And she was just like, hey, do you want to have sex with me?

Yeah.

So you say yes.

And I was like,

all right.

And then I did, and it wasn't that good.

And, you know, I didn't bring my A game.

You know, it was tough.

She had a nicer, she had a really nice apartment.

Well, that's good.

I felt like I couldn't fucking

feel like I didn't deserve to fuck in that apartment.

Oh, because it was a nice apartment?

It was too nice for me, dude.

Did she have a telescope?

Huh?

Did she have a telescope?

I love that.

She had a skylight, no telescope.

She's a little place up with telescopes.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm going to get a big-ass telescope for my room.

Hell yeah.

Look at what?

You have no windows

to fill the room.

No windows and different kinds of telescopes.

Self-defense.

Discovery channel, bitch.

Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill.

Bill Nye, the science guy.

Do you think Bill chants like that when he fucks?

Bill Nye?

Yeah, hell yeah.

Bill, Bill, Bill.

Shut up, bitch.

Bill, Bill, Bill.

Inertia is a property of matter.

Bill, Bill, Bill.

Ouch, Bill.

Bill is not a good lover, dude.

You think Bill Nye fucks good for us?

You know what show is so much better than Bill Nye's Science Guy show?

What?

Beekman's World, the Brooklyn Bill Nye science show.

I remember that.

I don't remember that.

Holy shit, dude.

There was another show that was basically Bill Nye the Science Guy, but it was Beekman's World, and this guy, he was like a science guy.

He's like, yeah, it's me, Beekman.

You want to learn something, you fucking faggot?

It was low-budget as fuck, too.

It was awesome.

Was it PBS?

Yeah.

I think so.

Yeah, it came on like right before Bill Nye the Science Guy.

Yeah.

He was off-brand.

Like a hot assistant.

Yeah.

Jax.

He definitely fucked her.

Yeah, Jax, the hot assistant.

Who is Beekman?

He was just some guy?

Just some like Brooklyn scientist.

Just a guy, yeah, I'm from Bay Ridge.

I do experiments.

Mostly phrenology about the different races and shit like that.

I got calipers.

I'm in the Union.

The thing is, their heads, they ain't got a big enough brain, though.

If they are too big, I'll cave the goddamn skull in with my calipers.

Yeah, Beekman was tight, dude.

I remember that shit.

Yeah, I preferred Beekman.

Beekman definitely fucks better than Bill Nye, for sure.

Bill Nye probably.

Bill Nye's like on the news all the time now.

They're like, oh, yeah, now for a science expert, Bill Nye.

And I was like, I thought he was for babies.

Nye's for adults.

He's just a fucking, he's got like a mistake.

He's got engineering, so he's like, you know, he's like Neil deGrasse Tyson, or who's that Japanese guy who always sits in that white room?

Hayasaki Huro with Hurohima.

Yeah, it's Kurumasaki Toyota.

Kazuki Ruko.

Hiro.

What's his name?

Tsushirito.

Akamakaki Mahomato.

Hiro.

Hirohito Okamoto.

Do you guys ever fuck with Okamoto?

What's the guy's real name?

I don't know what his name is.

Fucking known.

Diceke.

Dice K Matsuzaka.

Andrew Dice Clay Clay Makazaka.

Hickory

Hickly dick dickly

dickly

knock the crackly

there's absolutely no way that that Kumia hasn't already done Andrew Rice Clay.

Andrew Rice Clay.

Yeah, there's no way he hasn't done it already.

He's done every iteration.

Have you ever seen Kumia do Andrew Dice gay?

Oh, it's one of the funniest things on it.

It's so funny.

Oh, he sucked.

I suck his fucking cat.

It's really good.

Fuck, we should look that up.

I want to watch that.

People forget that he's funny.

He's funny as shit.

Because he's racist.

No, Kumiya.

Kumi.

Oh, Kumia.

Kumi's really funny.

Dice isn't very funny.

Ah, Dice.

I don't know, man.

The Day of August Die is like my favorite comedy album of all time.

I mean, it's.

Well, yeah, but that's like.

Yeah, but it's irony.

That's irony.

I know.

Yeah, that's irony.

I know, I know, I know.

But there's just.

And yes, Dice sucks.

His terrorists.

And as like a piece of art, it's incredibly beautiful.

I've listened to that more than I listen to any comedy album for sure.

Well, there's another one, the Neil Hamburger one.

The one hot.

That's one of the best things I've ever heard.

That's incredible, yeah.

He's opening for Tenacious D at Madison Square Garden, and they said, All right, like you do like

you do like 30.

And Tenacious D's fans are just like rabid, and they don't give a fuck about it.

He's bombing from the first punch.

No one knows who the fuck he is.

No one knows who he is.

Yeah, he opens with,

What

did Santa Claus get Paris Hilton for Christmas?

And people are like, Boo!

And then he's like, He raped her.

Wow, he raped her.

Yeah, and then

he just, so he's getting booed by, I'd say, 90% of the stadium.

10% of the stadium is maybe behind it.

That's awesome.

Slash confused.

Right, right, right.

But like, bombing for a sports stadium.

That's real bombing.

That's real bombing.

And the fact that he could just stay out there, and then he kept faking out the audience.

He's like, give it up for the reason you're all here tonight.

And then he'd like build it up and he'd be like, tenacious D's curtain.

Tenacious D's curtain.

People are just like, we want the D.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Throwing things at us.

I got booed at Caroline's a week and a half ago.

Really?

At New York's funniest?

No, no.

At another show, I was just doing a Caroline's because I was like,

there's some like, you know, I was asking people.

I just looked at the audience.

There was a woman there.

I'm like, who are you voting for?

And I was like, Hillary, probably, right?

And she was like, no.

And they were like, Why would you assume that?

I'm like, I don't know, because she's a woman, right?

And then people are like, Boo.

Really?

Yeah.

And I'm like, what the fuck do you mean, boo?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're getting to boo me.

And she's voting for Trump.

I mean, that's a surprise.

Why would you assume she was voting for Trump?

New York?

Was it a Trump crowd?

I mean, it was probably fucking tourists and shit.

Yeah, I guess it was a Trump crowd.

Carolina's all fucking.

But then here's the other thing, though.

If it's a Trump crowd, they're not allowed to be offended.

Right, I hate that shit, dude.

Yeah.

That's the same shit that happened at Comics Come Home.

Oh, dude.

that was so funny.

Like, people were tweeting at Nick DePaul.

So, at Comics Come Home last week, Wanda Sykes went up.

It's his big benefit.

She started going off about how much she hates Donald Trump, and the crowd started to say that.

Nick DePaul is a Republican, though.

Nick DePaulo goes up after her and then starts going the other direction.

And he's like, I voted for Trump.

Yeah, he's like, I voted for Trump.

All these fag.

I don't know what he said.

And dude, he called some woman a Jew.

He was like,

he just pointed her out and called her a fucking Jew.

You can imagine what Nick DiPaulo said.

And then, so on Twitter, people are like tweeting at Nick like,

you did great.

Wanda fucking sucked or whatever.

And he's retweeting it.

And then so, like,

at a certain point, someone was like, you fucking suck, dude.

You're not welcome in Boston.

This is like a liberal city.

And he's like, you fucking bombed.

And Nick DiPaulo responds to it.

And this tweet that said that to him had like one fade.

and no one saw it.

And then Nick DiPaulo responds to it.

He's like, Yeah, and how did fucking Wanda do, huh?

Just throwing her under the bus.

Yeah.

Not just responding, but I think he quote tweeted it too and then responded to it.

But that's so

funny.

He's real funny, dude.

He's funny as shit.

But the idea that you would have Wanda Sykes followed by Nick DiPaulo, the weak

drunk wind, is like the funniest combination of it.

I'm doing that, yeah.

Just a black lesbian.

A black lesbian.

The most outspoken.

He does not give a fuck.

Republican asshole.

Not even libertarian.

Republican.

Conservative Republican.

He's not like Christian conservative, is he?

No, he's not.

No, I don't know.

Rwanda Sykes was from Boston.

She is?

I thought she's from D.C.

She's from D.C.

I don't know.

She's like D.C.

scene.

I don't know, man.

Everyone claims everybody.

I don't know where she's from.

That's true.

Yeah, D.C.

tries to claim Lewis black sometimes.

Well, he was born there.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He went to high school in Silver Spring.

Yeah.

At the same time, as Goldie Hahn, Sylvester Stallone, and Ben Stein.

That's true.

That's a power quadruplet.

Yeah.

They all.

Do you think Ben Stein ever fucked Goldie Hahn?

Yeah, probably.

What about Sly?

You know, I didn't know that Sly, the reason he talks like that because he was paralyzed

from calipers.

They were trying to measure his skull to see what race he was.

Because his family was Italian.

You could never be sure with them.

Right, right, right.

How much more blood is in their system?

Dad thought that the mom was lying.

I seen too many fucking mouligns coming in and out of here.

I don't know about this, Deborah.

The kid's strong as hell.

My wife will smell like a peanut grease.

She smells like a peanut oil.

Why are the doorknobs of sleepery?

Oh, fuck.

Damn, we did talk about sly in high school already.

No, we didn't.

I think we did.

It came up.

Sly in high school?

I think so.

When?

I feel like we did.

I mean, I wanted to.

What do you think Sly Stallone was like in high school?

Beautiful, right?

Fucked a lot?

I don't know.

All I know is that he slept in the Port Authority bus station and then did a softcore porn.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then he wrote Rocky in what he says, 12 hours.

No, I think he says, like, he wrote it in three days, no sleep.

Just sit there, pipe a shit.

Yeah, it shows.

Three days.

Rocky One's a good good movie.

It's a good movie.

I mean, I don't know how good it is as a screenplay.

Right.

Well, it did win best screenplay that year.

Yeah, so he's going to fall in love with the retarded girl.

You know what?

I mean, I don't know.

I probably mentioned it on the podcast before, but one of my favorite things about Rocky, in the beginning of the movie, when he's like dealing with the mob guys that he's an enforcer for, they're trying to get him to hand the money he owes, you know, from his collection run over.

And like the two other enforcers are in a car, and they're like,

hey, Rock, why don't you bring that girl that that you like to the zoo?

And he's like, Yeah, why is that?

And he goes,

Because I hear Ritods love the zoo.

He's like, You piece of shit.

He starts chasing after the car.

They speed off.

Rocky 3, Rocky gets brain damage.

You know, and Adrian brings him to the zoo.

Oh, what?

Yeah, in the end of the movie, he's like, you know, I always love the zoo.

And I don't know if they knew that or not.

Awesome.

Wow.

Yeah.

You also did against Sly with the L, the love.

The way you did.

Yeah, I love the zoo.

I love the zoo.

You know,

when he was a little baby, he used to fit in my hand.

That's the speech from.

Yeah, I used toy tail this little baby going to grow up with

Creed.

Yeah.

Yeah, I love that.

Everybody I saw.

That's probably the last good movie he made ever.

Creed was so goddamn good.

Creed's good, but he's not playing Rocky in that fucking movie.

That's a different character.

Rocky's not that smart or insightful.

No, no, Rocky.

He's okay, a life full of fucking movies.

Yeah,

he's got brain damage.

He would have Parkinson's at that point.

He's been working in a Pollyan restaurant and learning lessons.

Yeah, dude.

Yeah, yeah.

He's wise.

After Tommy Gunn, he learned a lot.

He went to community college.

My heads were just straight up flexed for like 48 hours.

I was just ready to fucking.

Dude, I wanted a fucking Jordan sweatsuit.

I was going to start jogging.

Yeah, I remember when you saw that movie, you immediately texted me and told me you're getting a Jordan sweatsuit.

Because that's the first step in losing weight.

It's true.

Dude, if I don't have the gear, why the fuck am I going to do it?

Buying clothes with elastic

bands.

You need the Jordan sweatsuit.

You need the 12 o'clock boys.

I need the 12 o'clocks to riding around with

the ball.

We don't need to buy run.

You can't work out if you don't have it.

Absolutely.

Yeah, dude.

Fuck.

I literally, for three days after I watched that movie, just fucking ate nothing but vegetables and like fucking did push it and shit.

I'm taking this thing around.

And then I don't know what happened, but I got a little derailed.

But I'm getting back in there.

Yeah.

No, there's really no point in trying to better your life.

You don't think so?

Nah.

Okay, I'll stop.

No, I mean, I saw those celebrities today on that job.

How they at John Travolto?

I mean, I don't know if I can say it.

I guess

whatever.

Yeah, Emma Watson was there.

Emma Watson?

Yeah, Emma Watson.

Oh, it's a Beauty and the Beast.

Yeah, I guess.

Harry Potter?

Oh, there goes that, ND.

I mean, the worst case scenario, they just don't ever fucking hire me again.

I don't think you didn't say it.

Yeah, but they didn't hire me knowing that I'm a host of like the world's most successful podcasts.

Yeah,

they would have let you do that.

That's how we get juicy bits, dude.

I like the level of fame we're at because we do have the world's most successful podcasts.

That's true.

But no one knows what we look like.

You know, I could just walk around.

My point is, I'm a little bit envious of those people.

Of what?

Celebrities?

Yeah, their life is just a little bit more comfortable.

You know, they think it's a nice amount of bullshit.

No, they get their own green room and, you know, a special meal or whatever.

Dude, their fucking days off are so much better.

Like, them just blowing off a day.

Why?

How is it better than you?

Rich people should do that.

My day off is I fucking, maybe I do some cocaine.

They get better cocaine.

Or they have

nice couches instead of floors.

I don't know.

I don't think their lives are really all that much better.

They get to go on pedophile fucking stuff.

I think it's, it's, you know, you make enough money to be comfortable.

You make enough money to be comfortable, and then there's like a huge gap, and then there is pedophile, you know, secret fuck planes, right?

And the guys that like make their own space programs.

If you have enough money, you're like, Yeah, I'm going to go to the moon, and I'm going to build a house there, and like, maybe, you know,

but if you're just like a mid-low, like, what's her net worth?

It's got to be what?

Emma Watson, dude, fucking, are you kidding me?

Shit tonight, dude, those Harry Potter movies.

She's fucking rich as hell, dude.

She can buy a little island.

Yeah, well,

her life is so much better than yours.

It's not even.

I disagree.

That's fucking.

you're wearing a Tony Hawk shirt with holes under both armpits.

I've had this shirt for literally probably 22 years.

Exactly, dude.

She doesn't have anything for over like six months.

Yeah.

Does she look good?

Yeah, she looks good.

Yeah, of course.

That's the other thing, too, when you meet celebrities is like

you see them and you're like, oh, that's where you're famous.

Yeah, right.

There's nothing like fucked up about you and up close.

Perfect.

Yeah, you think like, you know, oh, well, that's all makeup or whatever.

But no, their faces are symmetrically perfect.

they don't have any weird ticks, right?

You know, they don't speak weird or fucking, you know, and on top of that, they have to like not have fucked up personal lives, you know.

What?

Like, Emma Watson couldn't have a podcast called Come Town.

No, you know, yeah, you're right.

You are better than Emma Watson.

I am.

You're better.

No, you're right.

I agree.

Emma Watson also couldn't have a 22-year-old shirt and just not bathe for a week or change your clothes or

solid ass points.

Yeah.

These are better things that you get to do.

That's the way I see it.

I don't care what some fucking British piece of shit has to say about it.

Apparently, she had to drop out of college because every time

she was at Brown, and every time she'd answer a question, people would be like, five points of Gryffindor.

That's a good bit.

Yeah.

I respect that.

Well, not even knowing

it.

Apparently, it was really annoying, and she had to drop out of school.

Did you see that?

So

that was the thing this week is

Harry Potter

saying.

Yeah, I think it's like Harry

Potter.

Yeah, there was plenty of people doing that, but there was one girl that everybody found.

There was like one girl that exemplified those tweets where she's like, Hufflepuff, we need you to be whatever.

It was the gayest thing I've ever seen.

That was very funny.

Yeah, Jill and Hall, we need you to

but then somebody found another tweet that that lady did that was like,

This reminds me of in the Care Bears movie when the cousins call and say we can all help.

It's like that is literally a movie for babies.

That's like for babies.

You don't know how to speak.

It's for babies.

It's all because of colors.

He's like, oh, as soon as Donald was elected, I had to get in my teething ring and flip through my books that are made so that they float in the bathtub.

Hillary Clinton is basically Barney.

I sat down in my play school desk with the little wheels on the bottom and I fiddled around the living room.

I would love one of those, honestly.

Yeah.

Those bouncy shits where the babies fucking go, they can't walk yet.

Well, you have the physics of a baby.

That's what I'm saying, dude.

Give me a big ass

baby proportions.

The bouncy thing looks funny.

I feel like a big, sexy baby, dude.

That's kind of my brand.

Sexy ass baby.

Yeah.

The circumference of your head is probably like 36 inches.

Yeah, probably.

Yeah.

Six.

Do you wear fitteds?

Can you wear fitteds?

I can wear the upper limit of fitteds.

Yeah,

he tried to put my hat on one time, and he looked like a, you know, like a Popeye character.

Yeah,

my snap bag's got to go all the way the fuck up.

You got to go to the one snap.

The one snap, maybe two if I'm feeling fucking snap.

So how much of that is fat, though?

I don't think much, dude.

I have a big ass head.

You just have a big head.

Yeah.

Like, my fucking, I'm feeling it.

Do you think that's the reason you're fat?

Yeah, I mean, I would like to lose weight, but I can't because my head would look weird.

Yeah, it would make your head weird.

I want to eat salads.

I don't want to have fried chicken for breakfast three days in a row.

Your body was like, oh, we've got to do something about this head

and proportions.

I do got a big-ass head, though.

I lost a little weight in college, and my head looked hilarious.

Okay, so we have to have like some kind of bit this week.

So let's say that there are famous celebrity executions.

Who would you like to see killed, how, and how would it go down?

Who do I like to see killed?

Yeah, so, you know, I'm saying, like, you know, we're going to ease into it.

America's going to have to get to this point.

But probably in like five, six months, we're going to see, you know, Trevor Noah shot, you know, executed.

Lena Dunham for sure.

Oh, yeah, that's going to be.

But they're going to save that one.

You know, that's like the main event.

Yeah, yeah, of course.

Yeah.

Fuck.

How would they die?

Would Lena Dunham die just like in a.

I was saying fed to rats.

I think that would be cool.

If they have a big rat pit in the White House and then very hungry rats.

Well, he tricks.

He's like, Lena, I would love it if you would come over.

We're going to have a great dinner.

It's going to be a fantastic dinner.

And then he fattens her up.

She Hansel and Gretel's her?

Yeah, yeah.

Well, it's a long dinner table.

And she's on one end that you bring her food.

But there's a hole that leads to the rat pit underneath her chair.

And the chair is placed on saran wraps.

So as Lena continues to eat, eventually the chair tears through.

down to the rat pit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's broadcast on Fox as a primetime special.

Get to see the rats eat her.

That's cool.

Yeah.

And guess who's watching?

That's right, John Glenn, American Hero.

He's in the audience today.

Let's go to John.

John, it's been

60 years since you were the first man to use the N-word in orbit.

Now, how do you feel about this?

How do you feel about watching this woman be eaten by rats?

Or, like, you know, how the celestials in dead in Deadwood

feed people to pigs.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, like that kind of thing.

I like medieval.

Is that a

early slur?

I think they made it up for Deadwood.

Half the shit in Deadwood is made up.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

No?

Because the way the language in Deadwood.

I'm watching it right now.

Oh, Moonies.

Oh, because they have a lunar calendar.

Lunars.

Yeah, that makes sense.

But I've never seen seen the way they talk in Deadwood.

That's not historically accurate.

No, no, it's not.

They made it up for the show, and that's why the show is so good.

It's so well done.

It's so cool.

But, you know, it's not a particularly good show.

I disagree.

I think the dialogue's great.

Have you gotten to the episode yet?

The two episodes where Swearingen is not in it?

I just got

just past that.

Yeah, those episodes.

The beginning of season two.

But the two episodes immediately preceding those are incredible.

Is that where Dan gets into the fight with Silas?

No, it's where Swearing gets in the fight with fucking Bullock.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And, but it's like they get

familiar with the show.

Sandra Bullock is.

She plays.

So Deadwood is a show about a wagon that can't go less than five miles per hour.

Otherwise,

they lose all their slaves.

Oh, fuck.

It's really good.

Okay, what about these executions?

I think Lynn Manuel's got to go.

Oh, yeah, Lynn Manuel's going for sure.

Yeah, but he's going to be thrown into a burning dumpster by Immortal Technique.

That was so awesome.

He got bullied by a cool ass fucking rubber.

A cool rapper?

I don't think Immortal Technique's cool, but.

He's cooler than Lynn Manuel.

He's cooler than Lynn Randall.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're right.

He's corny.

He's like the mean version of Lynn Manuel.

Right, right, right.

They're like

two different sides of the same one.

Right, right, right, right, right.

Of woke rap.

Lynn Manuel's got to go.

I think Chris Collinsworth, the the football announcer.

Not only the football announcer, the former host of the Guinness World Records TV show.

Yeah, Chris Collinsworth hosted the TV.

I would love to see

the non-sports thing.

Yeah.

That's awesome.

I'd love to see rats just eat Chris Collinsworth alive.

Yeah.

No, he can't go all rats.

You can't go all rats.

Oh, no, no.

I thought it was rats was the format.

No, he gets reserved for Lena.

He gets his head kicked off like a football.

We used to have kickers kick him in the head.

I just wanted him to feel like a fucking idiot before he dies, to know that he's everyone thinks he's such a fucking idiot.

No.

Sucks.

What did he do?

Wait, did he say something?

Did I miss anything, Chris Collinsworth?

No, it just sucks, dude.

Oh, just people who we think suck?

Yeah.

How about this?

Terry Bradshaw catches.

They said Chris Collinsworth up.

Let's go.

Chris Collinsworth fucks Terry Bradshaw's daughter.

Terry Bradshaw comes in and gets mad.

Yeah, he gets mad and kills him.

I like that.

That'd be fun.

Who else do we want to see die?

Oh, Rosie is for sure.

Rosie O'Donnell.

She's a client.

Dude, Rosie O'Donnell is going to start the resistance.

She has an underground bunker.

Here's what we're going to do, Rosie.

Here's what we're going to do, Rosie.

We're going to put you in a bathtub, and we're going to hold you face down in a bunch of Nickelodeon gak until the bubbles stop coming up.

We're going to hear nothing but queefing noises until you're completely exhausted from this world.

Okay?

Rosie, that's your choice.

I think really returned to prominence.

Like, she was, I didn't think about it for 20 years until this election cycle.

Oh, this election?

Yeah.

She hasn't done shit since.

How about they do this?

They sew Rosie O'Donnell's mouth onto

Michael Moore's stomach.

So she can only breathe through her nose.

And as Michael Moore gets fatter, eventually the pathway to her nose is sealed by his weight.

It's like human centipede, except Michael Moore has complete control over her

and could save her life, but chooses not to because he's addicted to Tootsie Rolls.

Roozy, I'm sorry about this.

I know, I know this is wrong.

I'm so sorry.

Yeah, I just have to have one more slice of cheesecake.

I'm sorry to stop tomorrow.

I'm pro double M, dude.

I'm pro-Michael.

Michael Moore.

He was right.

He got the election right.

He got the election right.

And you know what?

I like

a lot of his documentaries.

He's talking decomposing jack-alticles.

He's disgusting.

He looks like a woman.

He's got that weird.

His hair hangs out of his hat, and they look like dog ears.

He looks like an extra paralyzed.

All dogs go to heaven.

Like some dog that's down on its luck that's like, Charlie, please stop Trump.

There was a mom on my baseball team.

Bulldog.

One of the moms on my baseball team one year looked exactly like Michael Moore.

On your baseball team?

Adam played mom league baseball.

I like mom league baseball.

It was a league of their own.

It was me, Rosie, the Michael Moore mom.

A league of their own is a good-ass movie, dude.

Yeah, it's just a league of getting owned.

And it's Adam and Seth Cockfield.

Seth Dickfield.

Who's that guy?

Who's that other guy?

Yeah, I don't know.

I'm thinking about doing a new character named Barf Seth Touch.

That way it's like different enough that,

you know.

Barf?

Yeah, you can't.

Yeah, yeah, barf, Seth, touch.

Okay, you just shifted enough that, uh, you know, you can't, you know, you can't reasonably say I'm making fun of Seth Touch.

That's not a character.

You're talking about a new guy you just met.

Yeah, I'm

Seth Touch.

Well, I'll forget about it, and we'll bring it back later.

I still can't believe that barista thing.

And I'm telling this white lady, it's going to be fascism, and she's just rolling her eyes.

And I'm there, and I've got crumbs all over my shirt.

My pants have fallen down.

Everyone can see my ass.

And then I look over at the Indian woman who also works there, who I know is Indian somehow, by the way.

There's no way she's any other ethnicity or nationality.

She's got to be Indian.

And me and her, we're looking at each other, and we just know.

You know, that's what I love, is that all these stories always involve him, like, sharing a look with someone that he thinks he's relating to.

Right, right.

He's the least self-aware person.

person in the world so he has no idea that people fucking hate him

so the stories never involve anyone agreeing with them.

There's always

a black guy in the corner, and I'm sure he felt the same way I do.

There was a black woman sighing loudly, clearly at the barista.

Yeah,

she was eating hot fire Cheetos in my ear.

And that's a sign of respect in our community.

I had it.

She was probably thinking,

you go, boy.

Boy.

I knew she respected me.

I could sense it.

I have a sixth sense for women of color.

Well, the food's here, so that's going to be the end of the episode.

And you guys.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Don't we have a live show?

The 28th of this month, November, the Monday after Thanksgiving at Come On Everybody.

We're having a live show.

It's the name of the bar.

Come on, Everybody.

It's on Franklin and Brooklyn.

Franklin Adam in Brooklyn.

The show sells out every time, so I don't even think we need to plug it.

But we should plug it, get more people out.

It doesn't matter.

You know, I mean, it's going to sell out anyway.

Please come.

Adam's friends buy tickets six weeks in advance.

He has a very

friend group.

Nick is making this up.

It's not true.

Please come to the show.

Please come to the show, guys.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Just don't bother coming.

Shut up, you beach house.

All right.

See you later.

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