Ep. 26 – CONGRATULATIONS PRESIDENT HILLARY!!!!

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This is the fucking news with your host.

I don't know.

So, this is the super special, regular episode,

post-election coverage.

We're sitting here right now where it looks like Hillary Clinton is the new president of the United States.

Yes.

Koenig.

Recording this 100% live.

This is my final time.

It's an

awesome pre-recorded episode.

And you know what?

I'm just so, I'm with her, dude.

I've been with her the entire time.

And you know what?

We knew that we were going to beat these fucking, these bros in the country, all these racist ass, these mayo-ass crack crack of white boys.

It's not their country no more.

We told them, we told them that all the POC women, who are statistically 6% of the United States population,

we're going to do it.

We're going to make our voices heard, and we're going to get

Yes Queen into the White House.

And we did it.

We 100% did it.

Feels good.

Yeah.

Folks, that's what we would be saying if we actually did pre-record this podcast like a bunch of frauds.

Yeah, we really shit the bed because we we only prepared pro-Hillary

She-Won stuff.

Yeah, exactly.

Like Hillary, we didn't even prepare a concession.

So we needed the next eight and a half hours to pout in the cryo chamber that's keeping us alive.

In her Michael Jackson, her bubble, zero gravity fucking iron lung that she lives in.

Yeah, fuck, man.

So we're.

She's like, you know what?

She slipped in that thing from, remember Big Lebowski, the writer, that guy that wrote for Branded?

Yeah, the Iron Lung.

Yeah, yeah.

Listen, let me tell you something.

I don't like liars, and if he doesn't throw her in jail, we should impeach her.

That's what I'm saying, dude.

I think that's why he's going to get impeached for not

having Hillary Clinton placed on the National Mall.

This is actually my idea of his plan to...

to win back

America's economic power from China is he's going to sell tickets to Chinese,

you know, wealthy Chinese.

I don't even know how you get wealthy in China.

Karate?

Chinese.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Karate, yeah, yeah.

You have to start a jail.

All the karate billionaires in China are going to buy tickets to watch Hillary Clinton get murdered on the national mall.

And he enters her into a kumite, and then they get the chance to fight her.

Okay, USA.

No, I think it's going to be a brave Tiananmen-style standoff where Hillary stands alone in front of the.

He's just on a tank waving to people while he's slowly about to run her over and he's going to slowly crush her with a tank.

I would like to see her get shot.

Jesus shot by a firing squad, you know, in a classy way.

She gets rid of her suit.

That would be a good end.

Yeah, it's fucking how

and then Obama agrees with Trump for doing it.

And then he brings jobs back to the country.

That's what we were saying.

What if he's just great?

What if he was right?

Okay, first of all, he's not going to do anything.

Mike Gay Pizza Pence is going to be the president.

When he offered John Kasich the Veep position, he was like, you're going to be in charge of foreign policy and domestic policy.

And then he's like, so what are you going to do, Donald?

He's like, I'm going to make America great again.

You know, so like, he basically, he's barely literate.

He can't read.

He has no hobbies.

Are these Tums?

Those are Tums.

Stop just ate a Tum like a candy.

Yeah, dude.

My blood sugar was

a candy.

I knew what it was, bitch.

I had a whole bag of chocolate-covered pretzels for lunch.

Man, I had the best sandwich last night, but it had jalapenos in it, and this morning I fucking...

Your asshole was shit.

Like everyone else in America, I woke up and I just felt like this can't be real.

I didn't have to have diarrhea this fucking bad from this jalapeno.

What kind of sandwich was it?

Oh, some big turkey and cheese.

Ah, get turkey out of here, man.

Fuck turkey.

Turkey and ham.

Turkey's great.

You're a fucking girl.

I like like a little damn salami, bitch.

Anyway, they have majorities in the House and Senate.

They're going to appeal basically any legislative accomplishment Barack Obama had, what very few ones he had, which are basically Dodd-Frank and Obamacare.

Those are going to be gone the first six months.

Yeah.

Well, Obamacare is already imploding.

So

I mean, it's fine.

Yeah, it's been such a fucking disaster.

And hopefully

they could have used that disaster and be like, oh, this is someone else's fault and get single payer.

But that wasn't going to happen.

You think Hillary wouldn't have made single payer?

Well, she wouldn't have been able to make it happen.

Yeah, she wouldn't have anyway.

So it doesn't matter.

I mean, I went to go buy a fucking policy yesterday or two days ago, and they just don't offer platinum plans where I live.

Like five-star races.

In your neighborhood?

Yeah, I just get it.

I wonder what demographic reasons that's for.

Yeah.

Geez, Louise.

Too much heart disease in your neighborhood.

Yeah, I don't know, man.

It's fucking.

Can we even do an irony, an ironically racist podcast?

Are you fucking kidding me?

The apprentice guy is the president.

Yeah, of course we can.

This is our time.

This is our fucking moment, guys.

We did it.

This is Come Town's fault.

We were the only ones that actually predicted it.

Yeah.

Although.

I said it and everyone laughed at me.

I'm like, he could win.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Because that's the thing is, like, you know, think about all the time.

Maybe it happens to me more than anybody else, but like, somebody will message me or pull me aside and be like, Yeah, I mean, I agree with these horrors, but Jesus Christ.

That happens all the fucking time behind closed doors.

It's, you know,

people that are like, I mean, I agree with this ostensibly, but really, like, I'm a rapist for not going to see the Ghostbusters movie.

Those are the people that voted the way you wanted them to.

Like, what do you think?

Like, some guy in the middle of fucking Pennsylvania is like going to just sit there and read all day long.

Well, I don't know.

and not develop some kind of

identity.

Well, okay, I don't think it was only because of identity politics and fucking

I think a lot of people lost their job in the fucking Rust Belt in the 90s because of NAFTA, and they supported Bernie in the primaries, and they couldn't in good conscience.

I feel like Bernie would have won.

What about

you can't really make an argument saying that that's what I want to ask somebody.

Guys, push a T and Beyonce, though.

Shouldn't those guys have swayed white guys in Pennsylvania?

Well, you know, broken.

Whatever goodwill they might have caused was completely destroyed by Lena Dunham's rap song.

Yeah.

What are fucking?

What a brain dead moron.

She released that rap song, and then did you see that Huffbo article where she was like, you know, I just thought the idea was so funny of like this out-of-touch white girl.

Oh, I saw that, yeah.

It's like, what the fuck?

You, you dumb rich asshole.

It's fucking the only good thing.

It's like, it really is like if you walked into a locker room, like you're in high school and you walk into a locker room and your friend is like on his knees blowing another another guy you know and he's like, hey, Mike, this is you, dude.

This is you.

Just sucking the dick as hard as you can.

You're fucking gay, dude.

This is what you need.

I don't want to venture into misogyny or violence against women, but I hope Lena Dunham dies.

Well, she has to leave the country.

I hope she leaves.

I hope she goes to fucking Canada and

she should also be shot.

Hillary on the national mall in a pantsuit, and then Lena Dunham completely naked with a burrito shoved in her pussy.

I mean, Christ.

Okay, so

what's the silver lining and all this?

A lot of those people.

Legalize it in Boston, baby.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh,

that was the best shit on Twitter.

I know.

He's the fucking dude, Tommy Chong, being like, we fucking did it, man.

Well, yeah, man.

People crying like children be like,

yeah.

Honestly, man, it's not a cry.

It's not going to be that fucking bad.

It'll be bad.

Yes, it will be.

It's crazy, though, dude.

You realize, like, half the country was saying that when Obama was elected, they thought he was the fucking idiot.

Yeah, but they're idiots.

But Obama

is bad.

Trump is a fucking crazy motherfucker.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg is going to fucking die.

Hold on, Ruthie, baby.

She can't stay away from the American state of the human to fucking secede.

Huh?

What?

60% of Texas wanted to secede.

Yeah, but the difference is Obama, they just believe that because they're fucking retards.

Well, because he's yeah and trump is not because of anything

and dude dude rudy giuliani's like it's not just trump everyone trump like nude gingrich is going to be secretary of state ben carson secretary of education

one of the stupid like how can you be that good at brain surgery and just a fucking moron at baltimore dude he was bald dude gifted baltimore gifted he's not from there i was trying to remember study at hopkins though right yeah he's from he went to hopkins i was trying to remember the name of his book one time and i couldn't remember it And the first thing that popped in my head was

If These Hands Could Eat Pussy.

The Ben Carson story.

The Ben Carson story.

Oh, fuck, dude.

She sucked my dick.

I don't know how it happened.

Can we talk for a second about how comedy is going to probably suck for the next four years?

Whatever, man.

Yeah, I already, yeah, I addressed

it on Facebook.

Yeah, because it's like people are like, oh, well, at least there'll be a lot to joke about.

It's like, first of all, you're not fucking funny.

Yes.

You don't know how to joke about anything.

You know, this is just going to be, it's going to be four years of you being like, guys, the president is bad.

Okay.

You know, we got to do something about this here at Over the Eight.

Open Mic.

Oh, I'm out of time.

Okay.

Well, I guess back to my dog walking job where I make a difference.

Yeah, I don't know, dude.

We're fucked.

Who cares?

But honestly, fuck the DNC.

Fuck Hillary.

Fuck all those old guard 92 James Carville New Democrat fucking pussies.

That's all they are.

They're fucking up.

Go off, bitch.

Hell yeah, bitch.

It's my time.

Go off.

All right.

Dude, just fuck them all.

They need to go away, and we need new people.

And Tulsi Gabbert is the one I think.

Who?

She surfs.

She surfs?

She used to be in the troops.

She's hot.

Ooh, nice.

I'm in.

And she's booze.

Tulsi 2069.

2020.

2020.

Oh, yeah.

And anyone that's saying Michelle 2020 needs to fucking walk into the ocean.

Well, that was the best part of the last month or two.

Have they not learned their lesson?

Although it would be funny.

The rise of

Michelle

fan fiction

on Twitter.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

With this AD Doyle type.

So it's like Michelle right now pulling Obama aside.

Now it's my turn.

I'm next or whatever.

Shut up.

And then they have sex.

Like, what are you doing?

No, there was one.

I saw a tweet that was like, it sounded like she was about to fuck him in the ass.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Someone made a joke about that.

Well, it's just like those women just like

voted for Hillary stuff.

The actual fiction.

You voted for Hillary.

The actual fan fiction isn't even about Michelle being at politics.

It's like them be it's two people in a relationship.

Yeah.

Like Michelle has someone who loves her.

Yeah.

Like that's what they're actually fan fiction.

They're at home masturbating the idea of Hillary pegging Bill.

A 982-year-old man taking a fake dick in his ass strapped to both of their pelvises would snap.

Nah, Bill still fucks, dude.

I mean, I'm sure he gets his dick sucked by children on that plane.

I'm Podesta's plane.

Literally, he's not even a pedophile.

What if Trump is?

He's not even a pedophile.

It's just your dick can only handle a child's mouth.

What if Trump catches the case for fucking that kid?

Dude, isn't it sad?

I don't think so.

Have you paid attention to that?

Well, I think it's statute of limitations, right?

No, it's just like a bullshit thing.

It's not true.

But hold on.

From what I've read, because that's the thing.

It would be a much bigger stir.

Look how big pussy grabbing was.

Yeah, of course.

If Donald Trump had actually, if there was any credence to that story, that would be a huge fucking story.

No one had a tape of him saying the N-word.

Nowhere?

I haven't.

But I haven't.

Why didn't you release it?

It was a private voicemail.

Friend, client privilege.

Do you guys think

in a back room of the Jaffet Center, there's just like 12, seven-year-olds that didn't get fucked?

Because they're like the celebratory kids everyone was going to suck off.

Oh, my God.

Well, we can't fuck these kids.

It's like, oh, it's a shame.

They're going to go to waste.

I can't even get hard right now.

Let's just stop trying, Michael.

Just stop trying, Michael.

Here's the lesson for us.

You can't even fit it in him.

I think, Trump.

I wish there was a secret code for this.

John, get the list.

Get the email I sent from my other secret account, jpodesta at yahoo.geocities.virus.

What's the code for when your dick is so limp from blowing the election?

Risotto.

You can't put it in a two-year-old.

My safe word is risotto.

Fuck off him.

Fuck all of them.

They need to fucking go away and never come back ever again.

Feel the damn ass burn.

Yeah.

He would have have fucking won.

In hindsight, it's like Hillary was like the worst fuck.

Everyone hated her.

She didn't.

We knew they hated her before when the primary was going off.

There was no way she was.

So she was going to impress everyone.

She's like, I got the next four months to teach everyone how cool I am.

Yeah, yeah.

And they're like,

I'm just chilling in Cedar Rapids.

That should have been a fucking immediate,

that's the biggest.

That's a Howard Dean yelp.

That's been a flag.

I'm just chilling in Cedar Rapids.

She's never going to pull it off.

It's never going to fucking happen.

And really, what it comes down to, and these fucking idiots can't even figure it out, is it's so simple.

It's a fucking popularity contest.

Bill Clinton was cool.

George Bush convinced people he was cool.

Obama convinced him.

George Bush is cool.

He's pretty cool.

And you know what?

He's a war criminal.

Donald Trump is cool.

Donald Trump is cool.

Donald Trump is cool.

Donald Trump is funny as shit.

Oh, you know, he has...

small hands and a shitty body.

He has fucked so many more hot women than him.

That's the story.

Who's that journalist he like fucking called on the phone because they criticized him?

And he's like, I get more pussy than you do.

The guy criticized him.

And like, fucking.

And then he sent him a letter.

He wrote in a gold marker.

Oh, fuck.

He's cool, dude.

They need this sucker.

They need to find one cool Democrat in the next four years.

I don't know if it's even possible.

Tulsi.

Yeah, Tulsi, our girl.

Martin O'Malley.

Get O'Malley back in.

Well, he's O'Malley fucks.

He'll stretch guitar.

O'Malley's too like he's retarded.

Yeah, he's straight up retarded.

He's like,

he sucks, yeah.

He was the

almost like socially impotent, where he could be cool, but he's just so fucking boring.

On paper, he's cool.

He's like the asshole, the SGA kid who's like, oh, I'm the fucking, I'm cool like everyone else.

Well, he's cool in the way that there's be like

you like meet somebody and they seem like they're objectively cooler than you, but they're like, wow, like they're impressed by you and you lose respect for them.

Right, right, right, right, right.

Because they shouldn't be.

Right, right, right, right.

Yeah.

Yeah, he does.

Yeah, I don't know who we got.

I don't know.

I think it's like the most important thing right now is just to reiterate over and over and over again that Bernie would have won, whether it's true or not.

It's true.

First of all, it is true.

But even if it's not true,

they're going to immediately.

I mean, they're already done.

At first, it was Gary Johnson and fucking, you know,

claiming voter suppression, like black voter suppression, even though she had like, what, 15% turnout in Florida?

Oh, it was atrocious.

Oh, oh, and also, Gary Johnson gave her four states yesterday.

Right, right, right.

Yeah, she would have gotten her ass kicked even worse.

Yeah, in Colorado, Nina would have been so embarrassing.

Minnesota, and there's a lot of people.

No, there were people literally adding his votes to her votes as if

the one who voted for me.

I know, I know.

Have you met any libertarians?

They're not Democrats.

So, yeah, well, it's not Jill Stein's fault either.

No.

And it's not fucking

cracker-ass, Mayo-ass white boys.

She was an awful candidate.

And they've been saying Hillary fucking sucked.

And yeah, no, here's the thing.

If

you know, even if you could make an argument as to why Bernie wouldn't have won, you have evidence now that Hillary wouldn't.

That's objective fact.

She did lose to Donald Trump in the matchup.

And I love that the argument was electability.

Yeah, that was the argument.

Of course.

No, Hillary's more elected.

That's why.

And then here's the question.

If you meet somebody that says that they would, you know,

that, oh, no, Bernie isn't electable, knowing now what you know, that Hillary Clinton can't beat Donald Trump, would you go back if you had the opportunity to and vote for Bernie Sanders in the primary?

No, because it's violence against women.

Yeah, right.

Because you get so wrapped up in your bullshit fucking identity politics and white men are bad no matter what, that even when you have a more progressive one,

we still have to vote for the woman.

Even though she's a shittier candidate and she's going to lose, you would blow the election just to vote for a woman.

Yeah.

Because it's important to you to have your selfie with, you know, in the voting booth and talking about the first time I saw a little mermaid.

I knew

it was.

That was the worst shit, too.

When it's like, fucking all these, like,

I just can't wait till I can tell my daughter that she could be president one day.

It's like, you just don't now?

Well, she can't.

You're fucking your father and you're at home, and your daughter's like, Daddy, can I be president one day?

And you're like, no, Sarah.

I told you.

Until yes, Bay Queen Hillary is in office.

You shut the fuck up.

You have zero aspirations.

Semant's world.

It was funny with the Instagram algorithm being fucked up, where it doesn't just show you chronologically what happens.

It's not a timeline.

Last night you were just, and this morning you were just sitting all that.

Happy.

Yeah, happy.

Like, can't wait till our first woman president.

I was just like, oh my God.

My mother queefed me out of her cunt 21 years ago.

And now...

The queef cunt combo.

Yeah.

She queefed me out of her cunt, and now we are wearing pantsuits together for Hill Queen.

But, you know, I mean, no matter what, it's going to get worse in terms of, like,

the cultural shit that bothers me that, you know, Trump did run on, that fucking did help him.

But it's just going to get worse.

Racism?

Not racism.

Call dog whistle racism if you want, but, like, push back against.

And then, I mean, you can't even use political correctness or even the term like SJW anymore because then you're immediately lumped in with like alt-right guys or Nazis.

100%.

There's something to be fucking said about the people that have actively tried to destroy comedy over the last six years, six, seven years.

And they did.

They have.

Comedy has gotten objectively shittier.

Yeah, no, comedy is just good points now.

Yeah.

The Daily Show fucking sucks.

It is an awful fucking show.

It's so fucking bad, and it pales in comparison to what

even the other spin-off shows are.

Right, right, right, right, right.

You know, Paul Bear is a better show.

Right.

Samantha B is a better show.

The only

Nicole Bear show was the best one out of

the only time America's ever done satire really that well.

We're not that good at it.

I am.

You're much better at it.

I fucking am, dude.

Nicole Mullen.

Nicole Mullen.

Even this, right now, you can't tell whether I'm being serious or not.

You have no fucking series.

Whatever you're disagreeing with is satire, and whatever you agree with is us being real.

You fucking retard.

I mean, that?

Who knows?

This is satire?

Who knows?

I think it's important that we go back to and address the

post from that woman who wanted her Down syndrome signed up.

Oh, yes.

Thank God.

You know, when God closes a window, i.e., Tom Meyers, when God closes a window

and lives his dream, he's opened

a beautiful door.

Creating a boy with Down syndrome

who really wants to tell

Hillary and Obama that they're fired.

Also, I guarantee you, I fucking guarantee you that Donald Trump got 100% of the Down syndrome vote.

BB, no, BB went

100%.

I guess BB went hard for Trump.

He's not Down syndrome, but yeah, BB went hard for Trump.

He's got neurofibromatosis.

Yeah, yeah, that's what he has.

Yeah, which means his body just produces stones under his skin.

Really?

Yeah, no, it's fucked up.

Jesus Christ.

He's like, well, everybody, I'm making another video.

Reminder that I live in constant pain.

Happy birthday to Sarah.

Jesus.

I saw a bus earlier.

Well, off to the doctor to get part of my brain removed.

He loves the bus.

God damn, that sucks.

Anyway, let's read the post again.

I'm having trouble finding it.

What were you saying, though?

You were saying that the Trump speech

at the Trump speech.

Oh, yeah.

Did you watch that when he's making his acceptance?

You told me last night.

Hold on.

I didn't tell you.

When he's making his acceptance speech.

The Nazi thing?

No, not the Nazi thing.

That was at some party.

Oh, yeah.

Million he was at, which we have have to talk about in a second.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Fucking piece of fucking shit.

I'll kick your ass.

You know what's so funny about him is I kind of wanted him on.

I don't even like, I didn't understand why everyone was mad about that price increase.

I mean, I understand what he did was shitty, but it just seemed like an inordinate amount of attention on a guy that does a thing that happens literally all the fucking time.

Yeah, he was like a whipping boy for an entire industry.

Right, and it's like, but like, why him?

What did he do?

His face.

It's not his face.

It's that he pissed off everyone in fucking biotech prior to that because he was a finance guy that made his money by shitting all over biotech startups because he taught himself a bit about chemistry or whatever, biology.

And so a company would be like, we have this new, you know, he did it with a weight loss company.

We had like a weight loss pill in clinical trials.

So he looked at the science and he's like, oh, yeah, this isn't going to fuck him up.

So he shorted it.

So he publicly trashed the company, shorted it, and then also

made complaints to the FDA so that the trials took longer and failed or whatever.

Well, he's smart.

Yeah.

Yeah, no, he's definitely not a fucking idiot.

He's like a very smart guy.

But, you know, so I, you know, if we had him on, I wouldn't even grill him about that shit because I don't fucking care.

You know, I mean, well, there is enough.

Even if he raises the price, people get that through insurance anyways.

That's the point.

The point is that he's not really hitting the AIDS patients.

He's hitting the insurance companies.

And that's why there was a big wave of

sentiment.

He's also a fucking piece of shit, too.

And he's also a kid that got his ass kicked and called a faggot his whole life when he turned into a complete asshole.

Yeah.

He's a South Brooklyn, what is he, Armenian or something?

No, he's Albanian.

Because I make fun of Elvis about it all the time.

Yeah, you know, I was just going to have him on and then ask him non-secretary questions.

I thought it would be funny.

I wanted to ask him.

I mean, I really just wanted to exploit him for the audience.

You know,

like I don't even know who the fuck he is.

Yeah, yeah.

But

yeah, immediately he was being a dick about it.

Yeah.

Yeah, well, but Martin, if you're listening, you're still welcome to come on the show.

We'd love to have you as a guest.

But no, he was at some party last night, and then some girl was like posting, like, I ran into cutie pie, Martin Scrowley, and I forget who it was that posted it, and then she hashtag Rahoa, which is, it stands for racial holy war,

which is like a white psychosis thing.

Yeah, neo-Nazi thing.

Yeah, yeah.

I was just hoping that at his acceptance speech, Donald Trump would come out and there'd be like balloons and then Sam Hyde and the TED Talk Weaves behind him and Weaves there and Hepe on like the unicycle and they got me fucking yeah Milo's there they're just hanging yeah clean Milo's just getting fucked in the ass Milo's getting fucked in the ass by a black eye by Gavin

no by a black guy and he's just shouting the n-word yeah and he's shouting the n-word and each thrust

the black guy's like got like a diglet head like the three diglet like that meme so it's three black guys and they're all kissing yeah yeah they're all kissing

while they fuck Milo in the ass.

He's savages.

He's just savaging Milo.

He's all his fortune and she's just right behind him on the stage.

He's like, we did it.

We said it was going to be done.

We did it.

End of story.

But what were we saying, though, at the speech?

Oh, yeah, he's giving the acceptance speech, and some guy's just like, kill Obama!

Yeah, just yells, kill Obama.

The president, the sitting president of the United States.

Jesus Christ.

We're fucked.

I hope Seth kills fucking Trump.

You think so?

No, Seth absolutely won't kill Trump.

What's going to happen is

what's going to happen is

Trump's going to make it illegal to criticize Donald Trump, and then Seth's immediately going to say, I was the first one to love Donald Trump.

I love Donald Trump.

I support everything that he does.

And if he wants a list of friends that I have that have criticized him, I will happily fatch that over to him immediately.

You know, at cost, of course.

I'm not going to pick that that post fee.

Seth is the kind of guy, Dickfield, by the way, not anybody else.

The fictional character Dickfield is the kind of guy that would immediately sell every single person he knew.

His own fucking mother.

He's like the Jews that were like the guards in the camps to the Nazis, the coppos.

Is there any way that

dessert taster?

Did all the coppos get got?

Or did they survive?

Save their own asses

by

they were in charge of making sure everyone was working.

Yeah, well, at the end, there's actually a movie about him called Schindler's Kock.

Yeah, they were just the biggest tattletale piece of shit.

They were probably,

you know,

their descendants were probably part of the 18% of Jews that voted for Donald Trump.

Oh, yeah, dude.

This shit is buck-ass wild.

I love that the Latino, like, the third, what was it, 36% of Latino men voted for Trump?

That's awesome.

Hell yeah.

Shout out to the 36.

Los 36ios.

Los 36ios.

Mi Chicones, des 36ios, del Trompo,

puta uno dosa tres.

Isn't it white women's fault, though, for real?

Like, didn't they?

It's white women's fault.

It's like white people.

It's white people.

I'm glad it's fair.

Dude, it's fucking Hillary's fault.

You know what I mean?

Hillary and fault.

She was a shitty, awful candidate.

Yeah, but it's crazy that if she lost white women,

it's literally her fucking selfishness is the reason that she was entitled, she thought she deserved it.

Yeah, like

anything that happens is her fault.

Well, no, hers on a personal level.

Not her as a politician.

But Hillary Clinton is a fucking person that was like, it's my turn.

It's some fucking old piece of shit, rich woman.

Yeah.

She literally lost to a guy guy whose name was Hussein.

Yeah.

A black guy.

A black guy.

He's been in the Senate a year and a half.

Yeah.

Was it two and a half years?

I think it was it four years?

It was a full term.

Well, I don't think it was.

He won in 2004.

Yeah, so it was four years.

Okay.

Yeah.

At that point.

Okay.

He beat Alan Keyes.

Hell yeah.

Yeah.

Remember that dude?

The other black guy.

The other black Republican dude.

He was pretty funny.

Yeah, there was Alan Keyes, then Herman, and now.

Herman Cain.

This really is like if Herman Cain won.

No, well,

yeah, Herman Cain also did sexually assault women.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, what were you talking about before that?

No, no.

Hillary,

I don't know.

She's a fucking bitch, dude.

Fuck that bitch.

Yeah, I mean, it just

was so mad.

Ran a terrible campaign.

Well, no, yeah, that was the thing, is that she, okay, she had her convention, and then she disappeared, showed up on 9-11, passed out, showed up for three debates, and expected him to shoot himself in the dick.

That was her strategy.

She was just like, shut the fuck up.

Yeah, exactly.

The thing I was thinking about earlier was like, what was like one policy plan that she put out?

Like, Trump kept talking about the wall.

Like, at least he had some shit.

He was talking about trade agreements.

There was some shit.

No, she had some shit.

What was it?

Raising minimum wage to $7.26.

That was a big one.

No, she was like pushing free public education.

She made Bernie shit.

She took all the Bernie shit, but everyone didn't believe her.

Everyone's like, oh, yeah, right.

That was a nasty thing during the time.

Is when I had to keep hearing over and over again, like, well, Bernie's job is to, you know, bring Hillary to the left.

And it's like, that'll be erased in fucking two months.

Of course.

And no one's going to buy it.

She's not a good actor.

She can't sell that shit.

She's not like fucking slick Willie.

I was saying, I just, here's my personal hope is that for the rest of her fucking life, all of her shit continues to be hacked and put on WikiLeaks.

Her as a private citizen.

All of her shit, or fucking her, like, calling customer service departments that's recorded and put online,

looking up directions, her medical records.

Everything continues to be fucking hacked.

And then the FBI investigates it for some reason.

No matter what, they just investigate.

Just comey after he leaves the FBI.

He's investigating it.

I'm running a personal investigation.

He moves to Massachusetts, like lives in a cabin, only wears sweaters, and only investigates.

He's got like a big board, like with fucking pins in it and shit.

This shit's crazy, though, dude.

Like, I feel like, shouldn't the Illuminati have stepped in?

No.

And that's like what's crazy is.

Oh, no, it's great, dude.

They're repealing Dodd-Frank.

The Dow's up, dude.

Yeah.

Go ahead.

Like, oh, the fucking stock markets are going to tank.

Just wait.

No, no, it will tank once there's another bubble burst because of like wide deregulation.

Sure, yeah.

It's not going to change.

it's not like speculators and investors are worried that Donald Trump's gonna change anything.

No.

No.

So it's fine.

No, he's gonna make it better for them.

Yeah.

He's gonna repeal, like, the only, like, which the limp dick.

Don-Frank doesn't even, yeah, it's a fair.

The limp dick financial regulation that Obama was able to squeeze through after

George Bush literally destroyed the economy.

Dude, that was so funny.

Is how Obama came in and literally had so much political capital and couldn't do anything.

Yeah.

He passed a bullshit health care plan.

He passed a bullshit stimulus package that only really didn't affect,

didn't affect labor, but it only affected capital.

And, you know, and he saved, he saved the auto industry by literally taking apart UAW, which is like one of the oldest unions in like American, like modern American history.

But they're racist, so fuck them.

What are you talking about, dude?

They're auto workers.

They're racist.

And fuck these crack-ass white boys.

Any one of them for being any kind of racist, no matter what.

I'll disagree with their politics and I'll vote against them.

Also,

I will say this: this is a referendum on how shitty of a president Barack Obama was.

Like, literally, if people felt like their lives are better than they were eight years ago, they weren't.

No, no, he wasn't.

They weren't.

He didn't do what did he do.

He didn't do shit.

He's just cool.

The ACA is just cool.

You're right, but like, who, but are people's lives worse right now?

Yes.

Yes.

Because after Obama.

Fucking.

Deporistic spying programs got worse.

Yes.

We're bombing seven different countries right now.

Things got worse under Obama.

Yes.

But you know what?

He is cool enough that even when I watch him speak, I'm like, ah, he's all right.

And that's the difference.

He's a celebrity.

People are like, oh, Hillary would be a good person.

You would replace the celebrity with this.

Hillary would just be four more years or eight more years of Obama.

And it's like, the only thing I liked about him was his personality.

Yeah, yeah.

And, you know, they're like, oh, well, you just don't like her personality because you're sexist.

Well, fuck it.

Maybe.

I mean, that's not true, but maybe it is.

I don't want to fuck.

I shouldn't have to fucking, you know,

if it was a matter of hanging out with them, I shouldn't have to hang out with somebody I don't like.

I don't even have to listen to

that.

But it's not, yeah.

I mean, it's not.

The sexism argument, sure, that's definitely a part of it, but it's also people do hate women.

But that's also, yeah, but she's also a woman.

She's not trustworthy.

She's sucked.

And anyone's woman.

She's not sick.

She's like a fucking boring person.

Exactly.

Yeah, yeah.

She's not trustworthy, which is evidenced by, you know, fact and also just fucking looking at her.

She's not a fucking entertaining person or a trustworthy person to.

She's not a people person.

Right, yeah.

And she's not a, like, she doesn't, she's not, like, she doesn't connect with people.

And the people who she does connect with are.

Well, whatever.

She's going to be put on the ball on shot, and I'm going to be there, dude.

I'm getting one of those tickets.

I'm opening.

It's going to be murder.

You and all those Chinese.

20 minutes before the murder.

Only on the 10th.

I'm going to get the light at 15 minutes.

I'm walking off at 17.

and I'm counting at 20.

I'm not even going to do my full time because that's the kind of comic I am.

I do what I'm contractually obligated to do.

Respect the light.

I fill the time.

That's all I have to do, folks.

I don't have to fucking make you laugh.

That's not my job.

Doesn't it have high-ass approval ratings and shit?

Don't people like him?

Because he's cool.

Just because he's cool.

You're right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But they don't like their lives.

I don't know, man.

And yo, honestly, like, what's going to happen to Medicaid?

He's he's tried, you know.

They'll probably

gut.

Well, they're at least going to repeal and get rid of

the mandate that employers have to pay for reproductive

medicines

all the girls.

Damn.

All the cool

girls are getting what are they called?

IUDs.

IUDs right now.

I don't know if

the Medicaid expansions, because

the Medicaid expansions, those go to that's just extra money that goes to the state.

To the state, right.

So if you live in New York, you'll probably be okay.

Also, there's money that comes from the state.

But, like I said, I just went to go see if I could get a fucking plan, and I can't.

So, the insurance, like the healthcare provider industry is already so fucked up because of the ACA's implementation because it fucked up in all these ways that economists said it would and caused problems.

So, even if they repeal it now, it's not like it bounces back to the way it was.

Maybe you couldn't get healthcare because you're a bitch, though.

Yeah, that's what it was.

I forgot to uncheck the box.

You should uncheck that.

Male, female, bitch.

Yeah, yeah.

I checked.

I was like, big dick-ass have an ass motherfucker.

Yeah.

Well, they can.

You can insure that.

We've detected how enormously fat your fingers were by the weight of the keys pressing down.

So, unfortunately, we're not going to be able to offer you any health care plan.

But if you like, we have one of those old bathing suits from the 1800s and a giant lolly and Sanders cap that you wear for funny pictures.

Yeah, and that's pretty good, actually.

That's a pretty good compromise.

Yeah, in terms of shuttle.

We have a little photo shoot we can do.

I would fucking love that, dude.

I would take that shit.

Oh, Saibya looks so cute.

We have a diaper and a sash that says New Year 1938.

Oh, fuck, dude.

What's Comey up to?

He's got to be.

I like that he's basically turned into Gil in the last month and a half.

Do you think the FBI just doesn't fuck with Clinton at all?

Well, yeah, but this is a lot of people.

fuck with Clinton.

Yeah, so the CIA fucks with Clinton and the FBI fucks with Trump.

So there was like a trendy title.

There's not consistency throughout the FBI in terms of like, you know, who they support or whatever.

Right, right, right.

I mean, I really don't think that Comey had any kind of particular partisan motivations there.

He's just a fucking idiot.

I think his first misstep in the,

you know, during the last 10 months was when they were investigating the email server and Clinton was repeatedly saying, It's not an investigation, this is not a criminal investigation, it's a security inquiry.

And then Comey said, Yeah, I don't know what the fuck she's talking about.

We don't do security inquiries, which I don't understand why he said that.

I mean, obviously, you know,

well, it does seem like he was fucking shit up a little bit.

He was probably annoying, he was definitely fucking shit up.

What do you mean?

Yeah, I think the reason he said it is because it was political.

He's just kind of jabbing a little bit, like he can look incompetent while actually officing the colours.

I think honestly, it actually

entire election.

Yeah,

I think his motivation was to protect the integrity of the FBI, whatever that means in his own fucking head.

Right.

When initially, you know, he made that statement because it doesn't want to look like the FBI is just some partisan bulldog.

But, you know, by saying that, that's the...

That's what he does.

He creates that perception that he is meddling.

And so when he started meddling, and then they had that long,

and then that press conference, which is a stupid way to do it, but he already stuck his foot in his mouth three months prior.

I mean,

the conceit of his statements at that press conference were that Hillary Clinton fucked up and she did break the law.

But if an employee had broken the law, they would just be fired.

So since she's not in office right now, the result should be that she loses the election.

And he, you know, more or less said that.

Right, right, right.

By reiterating over and over again that if

the government employees

lost his job.

This last shit, though, with the they had no new shit, no new info.

I mean, that was fun.

He's going to be in charge of the new Trump KGB Stasi or whatever you can do.

The state police.

Congratulations, James Cohen.

What do you think?

A Trey Gowdy, Attorney General?

Is that going to happen?

Jesus.

They said Rudy.

That would be terrifying.

They said Rudy G.

Jesus.

Fucking Christ.

There are going to be some psychos in charge of.

Shkrelli is probably going to get the Securities Exchange Commission.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, fuck.

QD Martin Shkreli.

Omarosa is going to work for the White House.

Omarosa, they're going to kill Michelle Obama and replace her with Omar Rosa.

Oh, yeah, and Chris Christie.

By the way, Chris Christie won.

It worked out.

Yeah.

He's going to kill

him.

His life isn't over.

It should have been.

Well, who knows?

His two top shit.

Whatever.

Trump will have the fucking judges killed.

He'll get the U.S.

attorneys like.

That's really the good thing.

He's going to put fucking concrete shoes on the U.S.

Attorney's.

Is that it proves that people don't get killed?

No.

Well,

Anthony Weiner should have been killed, right?

If Hillary kills people,

he would have killed Anthony Weiner six months ago.

Yeah.

I mean, like.

He fucked up the whole world.

Anthony Wiener ruined the world.

And my thing, too.

If they're going to kill Trump, if they're going to kill him, they would use, you know, obviously a Patsy or whatever.

Right, yeah, yeah.

But Trump is also the kind of guy that just gets murdered by psychos.

Right, right.

That's the exact personality.

Like the guy that climbed the tower, like the kid who climbed Trump Tower.

Who was like a retarded boy and

Gilbert Grape?

But he was a big fan.

He did it as a fan, right?

Oh, really?

Yeah, yeah.

That's awesome.

He loved Trump, and he's like, I have to have a meeting with you immediately at Trump Tower.

That's why I'm going to be climbing the tower.

So I will see you there at Trump Tower.

You saw the video, right?

Yeah, and Trump Tower.

And he couldn't make eye contact with the camera.

Like Huey Long,

John Lennon,

Reagan, Kennedy, like they're the kinds of people that get murdered by

crazy people.

If anyone's listening to the podcast, that might be a little crazy.

Jodi Foster will be so impressed.

But the thing is, Mike Pence will then be president.

Oh, no, Mike Pence.

Mike Pence is going to be president.

He's already president.

That's how you know that there's going to be murder, like there's secret murders.

If somebody assassinates Mike Pence

instead of Trump?

Yeah.

Ooh.

Here's the thing, is like Mike Pence is scarier because he is

not incompetent.

He's a competent psycho.

Yeah.

And Donald Trump's an incompetent psycho.

And the thing is, it's going to be a mainstream Bush-style Republican administration.

It's going to be Heritage Foundation and fucking

all these never.

And Trump motherfuckers are now like, hey, you know what?

Yeah.

We believed in him all along.

Well, they're going to team up with the fucking

Democrats that have no idea what to do.

Yeah.

Fucking bandit.

They'll

all be absorbed into a new

shitty centrist party.

Dude.

Also,

shout out to all the cumboys we met last night.

Everyone's really cool and nice.

Yeah, there's not enough jokes on this episode, I guess.

So I guess

fucking we should probably talk about all these new Apple laptops

that just came out.

Touch bar.

I haven't talked about this for three episodes in a row.

I want to know.

How do you get some pornography?

The touch screen bar.

Yeah, I got enough titties on the screen here.

I'm saying you put the titty on the screen, maybe you put the pussy down on the touchbar, the clit area.

It's training.

I think it would be very funny to

the visual of someone on the subway watching hardcore pornography on an Apple Watch.

Like just

with his wrist across his eyes, just making noises.

Everyone on the train just like it wouldn't be awesome to check your watches just so we're getting fucked in the ass.

Well, just an up-close shot.

I see what time it is.

I think that's eating it.

She sucked my dick.

I don't know how it happened.

Whoa, that's good, guys.

What else do we have?

I have timing on that.

None of this is choreographed.

None of it's planned.

Absolutely.

That's the point of the Trump election.

That's why it's a win for Come Town because the nerd that went to Yale Law and was Secretary of State,

a senator from New York,

and had all the experience of the world, fucking lost.

And the guy that

didn't even study for the test one.

Hillary versus Trump boils down to improv versus stand-up.

Donald Trump is stand-up comedy.

Hillary Clinton is improv.

Oh, I don't know.

I think most of what he's doing.

I think I'm serious about it.

I know what you're saying.

Donald Trump is a guy that just can griff, and it might not seem fleshed out, but he's funny, and people are laughing at him.

Everybody's, you know, they got two drink minimum.

They're drunk.

They love him.

Hillary Clinton is like, oh, you know, it's improvised.

It's a system.

But you have a fucking system.

There's a specific way you apply.

You're not naturally funny.

Right.

And your parents.

You're also covering up a shit ton of rapes while pretending like

you aren't.

There you go.

That's where Donald Trump just gets drunk and grabs some waitress's pussy.

That's stand-up comedy, baby.

Nick, Nick, that was like when Steph Curry, when Steph Curry just pulls up from fortune.

Nick, that was a thing of beauty.

I can't even laugh.

That was a thing of beauty.

That's really fucking

fun.

That's the truth.

That's what it is.

She was covering up the hell of rapes.

Yeah.

Nah, dude.

Hillary is UCB.

An unelectable cunt brigade.

Fuck, man.

Are we going to get arrested for talking shit about Trump?

Should we enlist him?

No, dude.

First of all, everyone who listens to this can read through the lines and they know I'm actually a Nazi and I support Donald Trump.

Yeah, me too.

I played the Jewish character on this show.

Some people caught on to that.

A lot of people don't know that I'm just doing Adam.

Yeah.

I'm able to do both voices at once.

Yeah, that's true.

I can actually sing at two different octaves.

I do stop, too.

This is a one-man operation.

Yeah.

In real life, I'm from Greenwich, Connecticut, okay?

And father bought me all this podcasting equipment.

And, you know, we were summering in Kenny Bunkport, Maine, and I decided I'm going to start a podcast.

You think he's just going to give his sons jobs?

Of course.

No, no, no.

They're going to run the business, and he's going to steal from the government and benefit the business.

I love how he's going to get impeached.

Two weeks ago, it was people being like, Michelle, 2020, and the truth is going to be like Donald Trump Jr.

2020.

No, Ivanka.

Yeah, Ivanka 2020.

Dude, Ivanka literally abandoned the campaign two weeks ago, and now he won.

His own daughter didn't think he was going to win.

Dude, in the beginning of the night, people

shit.

People were trying to jump off.

They're like, yeah, we think we're getting our asses ate the two months.

Everyone's polls just like

were wrong.

Damn, dude.

Well, Nate

sort of got it right.

Nate Silver was the, at the end of the day, and you know, that's good.

You know, who else said it?

Michael Moore.

Yeah.

Unfortunately.

Michael Moore, who's now turning into a Trump.

And here's why Michael Moore got it right, because he's actually from fucking Flint, and he knows people who are voting for Trump.

It's like, you know, I'm seeing people on Facebook today, they're like,

especially in the backlash to people

saying that it's, you know, Bernie or whatever.

People that are mad at people like me for saying that Bernie would have won.

She would have.

Bernie would have won.

Bernie would have.

Hillary didn't win.

Objectively, that's true.

She fucking lost.

Bernie would have won.

So they're saying, like, oh, Bernie wouldn't have fucking won.

They wouldn't have elect a Jew.

You think a party that ran on racism,

which, you know, in their minds, I guess every single person who voted for Donald Trump, the only thing they liked about him is that he was racist.

Yeah.

1% of the people.

And also,

so many of those people voted for Obama.

Oh, and what do you think?

Exactly.

And voted for Obama.

And you can't say the colours.

The first guy who did racist

Goldwater was Jewish, Jewish Jew, Barry Goldwater, dude.

I don't think he was Jewish.

He was Jewish.

He was ethnically Jewish.

He wasn't Jewish.

Yeah, he was.

Barry Goldwater was actually

the first Jew

elected in

a primary.

Was he?

Yeah.

Yeah, you got to take it.

There have been a lot of embarrassing Jews in government.

Oh, he's Joseph Lieberman.

He was pretty good.

Gary Cantor.

Oof, that haircut?

Debbie Wasserman Schultz.

Yeah, they would have never elected Bernie,

but they elected all these other Jews that are in the campaign.

I think, honestly, the best thing George Bush ever did was keep Joe Lieperman from being vice president.

My point with all that.

My point with all that is that, like, they're completely out of touch with the people that did vote for Donald Trump.

You can sit back and say, oh, I can't believe that America actually turned out to be racist.

And it's like, you have no communication.

Well, something else I heard today, I don't know if this is is true or not, it's probably true, is that local news reporting, like the budgets have been slashed so much, so like the only places where there really are journalists are on the coast, and they are completely out of touch with what's happening in the country.

I think that's what we found: the media doesn't know what's happening in the country.

That's what blows my mind is all these fucking comics I meet that are talking about, like, well, I want to work on this pilot that's sort of about it, like gentrification.

It's like, you realize that 90% of America doesn't even know what that means.

Yeah, I have no fucking idea.

And

there are some things that are kind of like LGBT because gay people exist everywhere.

Everywhere.

But there's social issues that are specifically bound to the coasts and urban environments that you like, shut the fuck up.

That's not a thing.

Microaggressions?

How are you going to microaggress somebody when your neighbor lives fucking, you know, four miles down the road?

Yeah, dude.

I mean, I don't know.

You can shit with the door open.

They'd never find out.

Yeah, these it just really does come down to, though, that just like

there was no

like all these people, they're fucking, they're not making any money.

Their jobs, like what you were saying, manufacturing jobs and shit are gone.

And there was the two candidates, one is like loves fucking, you know, loves trade agreements, loves all this shit, is the establishment, fucking Goldman Sachs, whatever.

Her husband was in charge of NAFTA.

I mean, like, and yeah, Donald Trump's last name.

He's saying that it's like, oh, it's fucking immigrants and it's fucking other countries that's the problem.

Yeah.

And she just doesn't even say anything about it.

I mean, that's, of course, they're going to fucking.

Also, in the larger, like, macro scale, The wall is significant because this is what's going to be happening more and more in the next 50, 100 years: is that there are going to be parts of the world that are uninhabitable, whether it's because they're underwater or because of wars and stuff.

And Syria,

we're going to need to take millions of people and move them on the planet, right?

And in Western Europe, in the United States, there are all these Trump-style nativist chest-pounding, like Oogabooga, fucking

liberal ass, or sorry, like conservative, like xenophobic ass, xenophobic ass, like, like, maniac groups popping up, and it's going to become more and more common.

The fact I think the only way to really combat it, personally, is, I think, socialism.

I think, like, actually having

a viable alternative

or we fuck their women.

Or we take the hogs.

Yeah, no, really, the only answer is colonialism.

We have to go into the Middle East, kill all those people, rape all their women, make them comport to our ideological values, and then let them duke it out with

the same kind of partisan politics that we've had for the last

200 years or so.

You're seeing walls sprouting up not only here, but in a lot of other places.

Israel, for instance, there's a wall with the West Bank.

Israel's a fascist ethnocracy, and they do fine.

They got hooters there.

The U.S.

could be like Israel.

They have a booming tech industry, they have cafes, and they commit genocide every day.

So I don't understand why that's such a bad place to be.

I agree, dude.

I think Ronnie is a little bit soon.

Adam just shook his head in agreement.

You get up in the morning, have some hummus, and then kill a baby.

No, you do like, that's like German.

That's more German.

I don't know how to do it.

No, they sound like the French people.

No, it's like, of course, we wake up and the Palestinians are trying to kill us every day.

So what we do is we

strap on military clothes and the hot girls with big teeth

put on the military clothes and they take M16.

And do you not understand how hot it is to do girl doggy style while she has M16 pointed at terrorists that are throwing that are throwing rocks at you?

They're doing terrorism with rocks, with just pebbles.

I saw a little boy I walk past a pebble so I picked him up and put him in my microwave

now he is with the hummies we ate him and drank his blood but it was not like Christian blood not there are plenty there are plenty of

there are plenty of very good folks we like to have a little anti-Semitic fun on this podcast there are plenty of good people who live in Israel in my family

yeah they're called Palestinians

Fucks.

All right.

Your parents don't listen to podcasts.

You can't just stop.

I still.

I called my parents today.

Yeah.

I called them.

We spoke for the first time since they found out about Congress.

Oh, yeah.

What did they say?

I thought that they would be losing their minds.

Because honestly, my parents were right.

They were like, no one's taking Trump seriously.

They were going nuts.

And then they started saying, I'm Trump and it's my fault.

You know, like all this stuff.

And I called.

Complete calmness.

They're so true.

Really?

Yeah, because we operate like the time where we're most calm is crisis mode.

Whenever things are.

When you say we, what do you mean?

I'm talking, it's geez, probably.

Yeah, yeah.

People in my family, particularly, like whenever times are good, we're just waiting for the next crisis.

Yeah.

But whenever there's a crisis, then we're like, oh, yeah.

Yeah, that's the thing is, like, culturally, I feel like the Bush years were great.

And that is an extension of the whole, like, well, isn't comedy going to be better?

But I think, and I do think it has more to do with like post-9-11 America.

You're a big, like, limp biscuit fan?

What do you mean?

Actually, yeah, actually, yeah.

If we're going to fucking be honest about it, limp biscuit is

severely overrated.

And it became this like

underrated.

Sorry.

Sorry, I meant underrated.

But they fucking, no, people, it became this like fun band to shit on because, you know, I guess they're, no, they're not, dude.

They're bad.

First of all, rap, rock, as a genre is dog shit.

Yeah.

But for them to come out of that, I think, no, Significant Others is great album.

Nick was really into the most hilarious trolling you've ever seen.

Nick was really into

I can pull up Apple Music right now.

I've actually listened to Significant Other maybe five or six.

You fucking asshole.

Yeah, dude.

Nick went to OzFest 2003 and saw

KMFDM.

Power Man 5000.

Fucking Afro Man was there.

Vertical Horizon.

Pennywise.

Do you remember that band?

Pennywise.

Maybe that was Warpsword.

They were a Warpsword, bad.

Yeah.

I went to HFS.

Now, Rap Rock sucks.

Literally, Rage Against a Machine.

Cottonmouth Kings.

Cotton Mouth Kings suck.

They were the absolute.

What about POD?

They were like Christian.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that shit sucks.

Wick.

Yeah.

It's lit.

P.O.D.

probably got paid fucking good off that one song that was on every movie trailer about snowboarding.

What was that song?

I feel so alarmed.

Like every time, like, just a D is doing a flip on a song.

That was like in every single movie trailer.

I saw a homemade music video of that song made by some kid that had like, you know, it was scene hair before it was emo hair

hair before scene hair.

And he's like flipping his hair and he's wearing a leather jacket, but he had spine a bifida.

So it's like black and white shots like zooming in and out of him, but he's just propped up against a tree.

Oh, Jesus.

He's like, you know, singing along.

It feels so.

It's like, you're literally not.

Your spine is sick.

Your spine is leaking out of your bones.

That song meant a lot to him.

Yeah, and then I could never find it again.

I wanted to

laugh with him.

You know what song I could go find that video to laugh with that guy?

You know what song from that era I thought was legit good?

What song?

The fucking Spider-Man song with the lead singer named Ted Kroger back?

Yeah.

And they're surrender to heroes.

We were laughing about all those Superman songs.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, I can't stand

flying.

I'm fucking Superman, but I'm fucking crazy.

I'm Superman.

You better fuck me.

The first one here.

The Five Fury Fighting.

One was like the 9-11 worker at Ground Zero theme song.

They were like, we fucking love this song because I'm like a Superman here being in 9-11 and saving people.

So

it really speaks to me.

Sorry, I should have made fun of this.

Yeah, why are you making fun of first responders?

Of heroes, dude.

They're literally the only people we respect on this podcast, is the 9-11 first responders.

But only if they were men and they were from Staten Island.

Yeah, of course.

You know, if you're one of these fucking, you're one of these women that came from, you know, Connecticut or whatever.

Ooh, me too.

I want to help too.

It's like, yeah, second responders.

We got men here.

We got Staten Island fellas.

Nothing gets Carrie's towers.

Nothing gets me quite as hot as a fucking 9-11 second responder pieces of shit.

Oh, fuck.

You went there.

You went there on D-Day.

You took those fucking metals off.

Whoa, you're hot.

You're hot, Nick.

You're getting hot.

Yeah, sorry.

I get a little heated.

I was actually.

Would you still fuck me?

I was actually

straightened Superman.

You know, I don't want to steal valor here, but I'm a Navy SEAL and I was one of the 9-11 first players.

It's a strange way to preface that statement.

Wait.

I don't want to get 100% true statement.

Wait, you were telling me that story about how you ran up to the top floor while the towers were scaling up.

You scaled it, actually.

At the the time you ran back down, you realized you forgot a kid on the top.

I'm telling you, I was up there and I was on floor 101.

That's right where the plane hit.

Yeah, yeah.

And I was going to the water fountain.

I was sucking water up with my mouth and I was blowing it all over the flames.

And I could feel the building start to collapse.

So I'd reach up and I put my hand on the ceiling.

And I held the building up,

the top part of the building.

That makes sense.

And for engineering water.

Until everyone got out of the building.

Yeah, yeah.

And then on floor 101.

Yeah.

You said like 5,000 people.

682 million.

A rough estimate is what they.

That was what was printed on the medal I got from the president.

When I met with the president, yeah, we went to a melting pot, and then he let me drive my car in the driveway.

Let me drive his car in the driveway afterwards.

She's a guy that

lies about being a 9-11 versus bonder, but he does it like a four-year-old.

Yeah, and then me and my friends, we went to laser tag after, but they used actual lasers.

So we actually killed like four or five kids on the other team, but our team won.

We got free burritos afterwards.

Because they use actual lasers.

It's a special laser tag place.

And then we went bowling.

My dad knows the bowling guy, so we were allowed to like slide down the bowling alley.

And then my house actually has a slide in it that goes.

We have that money room from

DuckTales in my house.

There's actually, yeah.

Well, my dad's actually an an assassin.

Okay, folks, while we're winding down for the first podcast of the Trump era, I think it was okay.

Yeah.

Hail Trump.

Matt was concerned about that last night.

Yeah, he's like, Chopo's done.

We're done.

We're just going to, if Trump is the president, we're just going to become the fucking daily show.

Everyone's going to be mad at us.

It's like, people are already mad at you, dude.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's their fault.

It's Chapo's fault, Trump on.

That podcast.

It's a podcast's fault.

It's Kumia and Chiapa's fault.

Not the fault of

the shitty candidate that illegally kept a child pornography server in her house.

That is what she was doing.

That's why she was.

I just loved all those people that were like

the people that are doing the math.

Yeah, it's like, why the fuck?

That is a legitimate concern, is like the private email or whatever.

But why do you have to introduce this satanic child rape?

And it's like, like, do you know what

Abramovich is saying?

It's like, she's a performance artist.

Everyone knows she's a performance artist.

She does weird shit.

It's not weird that she smeared a bunch of blood on the walls.

It would be weird if she was having a Tupperware party.

Right.

Yeah, that would be serious.

That would be bizarre.

That might sound like code.

But yeah, I'm having a party where we smear shit on the walls.

And it's like, yeah, that's pretty much par for the question.

That's performance art.

That's just what it is.

Yeah, it's like, you don't think it's not enough for the Secretary of State to maybe have fucking leaked some emails because she's using a certain you know what I mean?

Like, that's bad.

Well, yeah, you'd be surprised how many people in this country believe in ghosts and believe in like the devil and believe in that kind of shit.

I think that shit kind of works.

There were a bunch of like tweets and stuff.

It's like, oh, hell no, I don't play with no, I don't play with that devil shit.

I'm not voting for that.

I totally think ghosts are real.

You know how easy it is to scare black people?

I'm kidding, folks.

You were doing the voice.

I responded to it.

Well, I was a man.

Oh, fuck.

Well,

well, everyone, this is probably one of the last come towns before we get.

We just changed the name to Trump Town.

Yeah, we're going to have Kurt Metzger on, I think.

Well, actually, me and Stav are going to do a special road show over the premium episode this month.

Me and him got a little bit of business to take care of.

What, the hunt?

Oh, yeah, we got to talk.

Yeah, no, we got shit we got to go do.

All right.

We got a guy we got to see about a thing, if you know what I mean.

Folks, me and Stav transport weapons

down the eastern seaboard.

And I'm being 100% serious about that.

So

if you're excited about the upcoming revolution, you want to buy a gun,

I have a 3D printer that can print lower receivers for both AK-47s and fully automatic M16s.

And pocket pussies.

And pocket pussies.

I tried doing that as a bit bit when those came out.

Yeah, obviously, that's the first thing you think to me.

Well, no, the bit I was doing is like they say they got these 3D printers now that can print pocket pussies and guns.

And it's like, well, if you print the gun, why the fuck would you print it?

You just get a real pussy.

Why print the pocket pussy?

That's a good bit about it.

Yeah, I did that at UCB East, and that did not go over well.

Didn't do so hot.

All right.

Well, thank you for listening, everyone.

How are we doing on time, boys?

We're done.

That's it.

Hail Trump.

Hail Satan.

This is the number one punk rock podcast, the official Donald Trump podcast, the official Martin Shkrelli podcast.

Copyright, copyright, copyright trademark, doing business, incorporated LLC.

Big time international business.

Big time.

So I'll laugh at everybody go do the LLC.

It's like, yeah, and I want dollar signs through the LLC.

So there's no way.

Legally, it has to just be LLC.

Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.

But dollar signs, though.

Dollar signs, though.

Fuck.

All right.

Well, good night, folks.

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