Ep. 19 – Rape Science

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Hello, everyone.

Welcome to another edition of your favorite podcast.

Come Town.

Hey, there you go, dude.

Is that your first intro?

I think so.

I think I tried it once, and I just got Adam on the ones and twos.

I like the idea of a guy that doesn't know what ones and twos means.

What does it mean?

It means like

turntables.

Oh, shit.

Turntable one and turntable.

Oh, man.

If we should have just not told him, then Stav could have been that guy.

Oh, he was.

That was my guess.

Can I be honest, that was my guess?

I love guys that say things wrong.

When I worked at GameStop, I worked at GameStop as a seasonal employee.

And then the manager there was this guy Bill that was drawing.

That was your career.

It's fine.

What's that?

We get it.

Seasonal.

Okay.

That's one of your credits, like on a stand-up lineup.

Yeah.

Season formers GameStop.

Seasonal point.

Then I won't tell the story.

Tell the story.

It's funny.

Game Top is a funny place.

Yeah.

I'm sure the story is going to be funny.

You're a good storyteller.

Thanks.

I'm feeling bad about myself lately.

No, no, tell the story.

I bought shorts and they don't have pockets and they make me look like a five-year-old.

These are my good shorts, but they're ruined.

Those are your good shorts.

Yeah.

Those look fucking stupid as shit.

It's almost not shorts weather anymore.

Those are not your good shorts.

Those are just the shorts you always wear.

That That doesn't make them good.

Yeah, they have, I see, like, they look stormy in the front.

They're black.

They were black, but they're, like, bronzed.

Somehow your shorts are light brown now.

Yeah.

They got rust on his shorts.

That was cotton rusted.

From working.

From working, from being a working man.

Yeah.

From working hard.

Well, they make gay.

Working hard, hardly working.

So, anyways, I was at GameStop working there when I worked there.

And

the manager, Bill, was this retard that

and I mean, it wasn't like an actual retard.

I mean, he was like a fucking idiot, but

he was retarded.

He

sorry, the cat is

the cat's chewing a dead mouse in the living room right now.

Yo, fuck this cat, man.

No, actually, that's a cool cat.

No, this is a cool cat.

Now it's like batting it with its hand, and it doesn't understand that it's dead.

It's like Lenny.

It's pulling a Lenny right now.

If we get up close to to it, it'll put the mouse back in its mouth.

Yeah.

All right, so as we're going to GameStop, I can't have the podcast derail this quickly.

No, absolutely not.

This is not three minutes.

I already decided the other episode is going to be the bonus episode.

So this one's got to be good.

It's called the N-word threshold.

Okay.

If the N-bombs are dropped, it becomes premium content.

Holy shit.

That's what people said.

It's going to happen.

Do we say the N-word on the bonus one?

I told that story about my dad with the Australian guy.

Oh, right, yeah, yeah.

Which I had to say it.

I mean, yeah, you had to.

It was.

That story is so funny.

Yeah, guys, that's premium, though.

You bitch-ass motherfuckers who don't have that won't ever find that.

Yeah, you're not going to hear that great story about that Australian guy using the N-word.

So, yeah, when I worked at GameStop, the manager was this guy, Bill.

Did I already tell this story or no?

I don't think so.

Oh, man.

So, Bill, yeah, Bill would just hear people say things and then repeat them like the Big Lebowski without understanding what they meant.

And like one time he was like,

yeah, I'm planning on, I want to put these games here, but then forte these other games above.

What the fuck?

He's like, you just guessed completely.

Yeah, it sounds like.

It does sound pretty good.

Forte it.

Yeah.

Yeah, one time he was like,

he was using the word preface wrong like a bunch.

Kept saying preface incorrectly.

One time he just shit his pants.

I know that.

I was going to ask you about that.

I remember you told me that story.

What happened for that again?

He fucking

I came in to work.

First of all, this dude lived in Bel Air and the store was in Bel Air, Maryland.

And the store was in Rockville.

That's a two-hour drive.

If you're lucky.

If you're lucky, it's two hours.

It's a two-hour drive, yeah.

And that's basically D.C.

Yeah, he would drive all the way down every morning and work bell to bell every day.

He wasn't an hour, he was a salaried employee, he was a manager, so he got his like $20,000 a year to manage the GameStop.

And so he didn't have to be there, but he would work 73-hour weeks.

And I remember asking him one time, I'm like, Bill, why do you do that?

And he was like, well, I'll tell you what, it impresses the district managers are all pleased with me.

All of the area managers are pleased with me.

And,

you know, that's the kind of thing that's important for moving up.

And it's like, Bill, you don't have a college degree.

You're never going to move past store management.

You don't hire store managers as like district managers.

You're already, you're done.

You got to the top.

Do you think GameStop would let him, if he if he beat Zelda fast enough, be a district manager?

Yeah, yeah, that's how it works.

He also told me, he's like, I also do loss prevention for the district, which was a lie that

they don't have that, I don't think.

I don't have a guy that just does loss prevention.

And then that store, I told you that story.

That store got

robbed one time.

Or it didn't get robbed.

They had this like A-frame with all like Game Boy games in it.

And this is already like, I don't know, this is probably like 2007.

So Game Boy was really on his last legs.

It was done.

So the games cost, if you wanted to buy them, they were maybe like three bucks a piece.

Yeah.

And the trade-in value is nothing.

So the entirety of this case was worth maybe like,

you know, $4

worth of merchandise.

Adam got the mouse and he's putting it in his pocket maybe to sell later.

The market.

Listen.

You don't know how much these go for these days.

Watch it with the fucking wires.

I'm going to put the mic down and throw it out real quick.

Okay, all right.

Tell the story.

I want to hear this fucking

Game Boy A-frame full of Game Boys.

Yeah, so fuck.

I should have drank some coffee.

No, it's fine, dude.

This is a good story.

I'm fucking it up.

It's Adam's fault for

getting the mouse.

It's just distracting, man.

So maybe Yamaka.

It was distracting everybody.

There's a fucking dead mouse on the floor.

I can't see it because it's blocked by the table.

It was really distracting.

We really have to call an exterminator for the Anthony Cumius Studios.

Yeah.

It's fucking.

And he got in a little bit of trouble calling exterminators.

They told him we don't do black guys, and just please stop calling.

Yep.

So he actually can't do business with any of those, any of the companies in New York City.

He told every single

Exterminator in New York and asked them to exterminate.

How do you get rid of it?

You can find one.

In New York?

Yeah.

It's a big city.

Yeah, I'll do it.

I got a guy for that.

Yeah.

Oh, you said he was a rat, wink wink.

No problem.

He just murders a guy in broad daylight.

Just goes to jail.

Now I'll be seeing about that $25 you owe me.

Pal?

yeah, so this fucking this case with like these Game Boy games in it was worth like you know nothing.

Yeah, somebody it had that like uh it had like glass sliding doors in the front, but the kind of those like like you know those locks with the teeth

with all the tent somebody found that you could like wiggle them on the sides just enough to like steal like the sides of the so they stole like 10 Game Boy games off the side and I like just noticed it and I told the assistant manager John who was like 34 and wore like an Indiana Indiana Jones hat, and it was this shitty face,

like facial hair, and like this shitty stringy long hair.

And I told John and Bill, and

I thought they'd just be like, oh, okay.

And they both come over and they're like crossing their arms and like huffing and puffing.

And they're like,

damn it.

And John's looking at it, and

he looks at Bill and he's like, this was probably a professional thief.

Oh, dude.

The fucking

video here.

And stole your fucking Game Boy games.

Who stole Dr.

Mario for Game Boy.

Yeah, yeah.

That shit was so fucking funny.

That's incredible.

Yeah, no, Bill shit his pants one time.

I went into the store and I had to open with him.

This is like the morning.

I'm tired of shit.

I don't really want to be there.

Yeah, of course.

And

I go in, and Bill's like, Would you mind setting that up over there for me?

Thanks.

And he turns around and walks back to the counter.

As soon as he turns around, I notice on his ass, there's like shit splattered on the back of his pants.

Oh, no.

Not like on, there's like brown like shit splattered.

But it didn't make sense because, you know, if you shit your pants, you shit on the other side.

Right.

So I don't know.

He somehow shit on the back of his pants.

It just seeped through.

No, I'm assuming he had like diarrhea or something and was rushing to pull his pants down.

He shit on the back of them while trying to sit down and shit.

Interesting.

Okay.

So

I was like, great.

This is fantastic.

And so his other employees were coming into the store that day.

I'd be like, oh,

yeah, hey, Jeremy, how was your weekend?

Oh, by the way, Bill shit his pants.

If you want to take a look, you can see.

He shit his pants.

And I called my friend Matt, and because

I'd made fun of that guy so much.

And Matt's like, no way.

He shit his pants?

I was like, yeah, he shit his pants.

And then like two hours later, I was just, you know, like stocking the shelves or something.

And I just hear from behind me my friend Matt's voice.

And he's like, can I tell him?

Matt had come to the store to see it.

He's like, can I tell him to shit his pants?

Yeah, that dude ran over a child on his way to work one morning.

What?

Yeah.

What the fuck?

He got to work like 20 minutes late and he's like, that's it.

Sorry I'm late.

And he, well, maybe it was a little bit long then.

He goes, he's like, sorry I'm late.

He's like, skidded on the ice and my car went into a 14-year-old girl and she got hit up on the roof, but the police said it was her fault.

She didn't have the right of way.

So I was clear to come to work.

And I was like, Bill, go home.

There's no reason for you to be here.

He just hit a fucking child.

Yeah, he ran over a child on his way to GameStop.

That day he shit his pants was the only day he actually left when his shift ended yeah he was like wow three o'clock i'm i'm tired i'm beat i'm ready to go

what is that oh man i wonder what that guy's up to now i don't know he i he told me about like when i am interviewed for the job

uh for some reason he's like well i'll tell you a little bit about me uh he was like uh i was uh enlisted in the army uh after the army i i worked at sun coast video and worked my way up to manager and I was there for 17 years.

And then I

said,

But how old was he for real?

He was like probably like 37, 38.

Damn, yeah, um, but I don't understand why that was part of the interview process, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's just hoping that he just doesn't know how to, yeah, doesn't know how to interview.

Imagine that working at a Sun Coast Video.

What a depressing store!

We never had those, we just had Blockbuster and Hollywood video.

Suncoast Video wasn't a rental place, yeah.

It was a video retailer.

Oh, they they sold like

camcorders and tapes?

No, they sold like VHS tapes and like posters and shit.

DVDs later, but DVDs later.

It was like a special.

Sam Goody of

Sam Goody for it was like a place where you could get like

box sets, like compilations of shows and stuff.

Okay.

Jesus, dude, how fuck can you imagine?

People would fucking go to the mall to a Suncoast video if they wanted to watch season three of a show they liked.

Yeah.

That shit sucks, dude.

Yeah.

That was a whole fucking industry.

Yeah.

And now it's just like

that asshole doesn't have a job anymore.

No fucking dick guns like that, don't you?

You know what's funny is you think back to and it's like, yeah, but you know, you had the shit you were entertained by and you didn't think you were missing out on anything within the context.

But I remember being like 13 and like

just getting so bored I would get fucking like angry.

Yeah.

You know, and start breaking shit.

You know?

Yeah, light stuff on fire.

Like, that's what causes that.

It's like fucking boredom.

No, Netflix.

Yeah, I just get pissed off that there was nothing to do.

Yeah.

I fucking, I remember once I got the Chappelle show DVDs, I just watched those.

That was it.

Yeah, that was the time when the DVD box that was king.

That was a fucking thing on earth.

Everyone in college had that box set.

Oh, yeah.

And that's why Dave Chappelle is like super rich now.

Yeah.

The first thing I ever watched online, I think, was Trailer Park Boys.

Oh, yeah.

There was a website.

It was like,

no, it was on like Ice Films or TV.

TV Links.

That was the website.

TV Links.

Hell yeah.

Yeah, TV Links.something.eu.

Yeah.

And I watched Trailer Park Boys on there.

And you stick forever for that shit to buffer.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You'd have to just fucking

pause it and walk away.

Yeah, yeah, pause it and wait.

Yeah, like a half hour, and you could watch a whole fucking TV show.

And I thought,

I thought, this is like the greatest thing in the fucking world.

Watching like a TV show on my shitty, like fucking 15-inch giant CRT monitor.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Fuck, dude.

Then I would go get Arizona iced tea from CVS, which I remember thinking was healthy because it was iced tea.

It was green.

Yeah, no, I didn't drink the green tea.

I just drank the regular iced tea.

Oh, really?

Yeah, I'm like, it's tea.

It's healthy.

It's not like soda.

And I drank like three of those.

I think Arizona iced tea was like put in urban areas by the CIA to kill like black people.

But they claimed

They found out about the crack.

It's 99 cents.

That's like just drinking

crack.

Reagan is to crack as Bill Clinton is to Arizona tall boys.

What did fucking Obama do, though?

Obama just, he just.

White people.

He made white people move to Brooklyn.

We're the crack of the Obama administration.

Human crack.

Hey, whoa, whoa.

You guys are the gentrifiers.

I live in Astoria.

Okay.

Well, that's the podcast, folks.

Everyone, thank you so much for listening.

Please donate.

Thanks for watching.

We got N-words for you.

We just found out right before starting this that David Simon uses the N-word on Twitter.

David Simon is hot off the press.

He's on a tear tonight, you know, using the N-word and defending his use of it.

Yeah, we can't say it because that would make

soft A, and he thought that it was okay.

The way he explains it, if you say soft A N word, the interlocutor of the grammatical, I don't know, some fucking nerd shit

makes it not okay to use the N-word.

I feel

he's like, listen up, black people.

I went to college for saying the N-word.

I have a degree in saying the N-word.

Yeah.

I wrote your favorite show.

He has literally typed out the N-word on a word processor so many times.

A million times.

So many times.

He's got just the word he has typed in.

He wrote the wire with dictation software.

Oh, so he shouted.

Yeah, yeah.

It was that early shit that he had to shout at.

He only wrote the dialogue for the black people, though.

It would be great to hack Stephen Hawking's computer and then, like,

you know, just throw n-words in there whenever he's talking to Neil deGrasse.

He goes beyond Weave on it.

Yeah,

Weave, who's agreed to do the show because Sam Hyde wouldn't.

We'll see if we can get Weave to hack Stephen Hawkings.

We should have Weave on just demand that he does that.

I'm down for that.

Please hack Stephen Hawking.

Just give him things to hack.

Oh, fuck.

Yeah, look,

I'm even more out of it than usual because we're going to go out to eat after this, and I haven't eaten for a while.

Dude, I took a fucking

dude.

Yeah, I took one of those 7 p.m.

naps where you wake up and you feel like.

That is the worst nap to take.

You wake up and you feel like there's like a bunch of blood in your nose.

The nap where it's light outside, you wake up and it's dark and you just have no concept of space or something.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I feel like you take absolute worst.

Those are the naps you take and you wake up and you're like, what the fuck?

Why do I feel this way?

And your body was like secretly trying to die

where you weren't like looking.

It was like, oh, I'm not doing, I'm just hanging out.

Like, why can't I feel one of my my legs?

Fuck, dude.

I know I'm getting fatter when my fucking legs go numb when I'm shitting.

Like, one of my legs.

That happens to me all the time.

I don't think it's a weight thing.

I think it's a candy crush thing.

I think it's maybe eating a lot of shit.

Yeah.

Do you eat your own shit?

I've been eating, like, my shit, my roommate's shit.

Yeah.

But that's it.

I mean, nobody else is.

Yeah, you know how like...

There's a place in Williamsburg that does a really good shit.

You know how people will lock themselves in their garage with their car running to kill themselves?

Yeah.

Put a hose from the tailpipe into the car.

Just do that, but with your own ass.

So it's a hose that goes up your ass and you jam the other end in your mouth.

It's a gentleman.

But it takes like four shits for it to fill up.

They just sit in the library and leave a note.

You just hold the note and you hand it to people.

You're like, sir, what are you doing?

It's a gentle way.

Goodbye, cruel world.

Put the hose back out.

Fuck,

I actually do have something fucking funny to talk about.

I joined, when I was working at that dumb website before it got shut down, we were like, for some reason, we thought it would be good viral marketing to like join a bunch of weed groups and like fucking post weed jokes on Facebook.

But as a result, I forgot that I joined something called 420 BBW Freaks.

It's just a bunch of fat bitches going live on Facebook and smoking puns and sucking dick.

And they just show it.

They show it.

Go check out 420 BBW Freaks on Facebook.

It's funniest fucking.

Yeah, they probably have no way of censoring Facebook live.

They have no way of censoring.

And it's a bunch of guys trying to fuck fat bitches on Fat Bitches that love weed.

It's so funny.

Just guys posting their glamour shots.

Like just like, hey, what's up, ladies?

Like, like if you like what you see, it's like he gets no likes.

Yeah.

And there's another guy, there's another guy who's like, big, big-ass dick pictures coming through.

It'll be like a warning meme.

And then in the comments, he posts pictures of his dick.

And the women are just like, nice.

That guy rules, dude.

And then I clicked on it, and this bitch has just like, it's like some old white woman.

Pictures at like her children's graduation and shit.

It was, dude, was some of the best dick pictures, coming through.

Warning.

Big ass dick pics coming through.

That's awesome.

And then one said medium-sized.

It was really funny, dude.

Yeah, it's a good group.

I got fucking,

I like Raytheon on Facebook, and the guys that leave comments on Raytheon's posts are the fucking best.

Oh, yes.

It's always a mustache, always a fucking baseball hat.

The guys that have their profile picture and their cover picture are the same.

Oh, that is.

Absolutely.

It's just them

twice.

Of course.

Yeah.

Them twice.

There's just one guy that's just a little bit more.

I'm going to change my shit to that when I get home.

Yeah.

That's actually a good look.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, fuck.

Yeah, guys, don't ever do the thing where you somehow incorporate where the profile picture overlaps the cover photo.

Like, check out this guy over here or anything like that.

That makes you an asshole.

Yeah.

That makes you a stupid asshole.

You look like a YouTuber if you do that shit.

That's the type of shit YouTubers do.

You got to really up your social media game and think about these things.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

For example, post nude pictures of yourself.

That's what I do.

Shouts out to DeGuerreros.

Took some good-ass pics of me.

You'll see them soon, gang, if you follow me on Instagram at StaviBabyS-T A BBY Baby.

Jump in those DMs.

Try and fuck me.

What do you say?

This girl that took pictures of you, I ran into her today.

Nomi, also great.

Nomi.

Nomi photo.

Check her out.

Now I'm just gonna go.

No means no.

No, no.

No means no.

No me photo.

And I don't think she knows your name is Stav or Stavros.

So she just kept calling you Stavi.

Some people.

Anyway, Stavi was over like

two weeks ago, and we took some, we did a session for maybe an hour, hour and a half.

And he was just so great to work with.

And I was telling Stavi, like, I have this huge loft.

You guys should do shows at my house.

Why does she have a loft?

She's rich.

Is she rich or does she just

run a business out of there?

She's really rich from.

She runs a business where she takes sexy pictures of men.

It's like, and women, I guess.

It's called Foudoir.

Foodwar

if Stop puts her out of business.

He doesn't have the technology.

No, I wouldn't because I'm hot, bitch.

People want to fuck me.

Get this gay ass cat off my Ottoman.

I think she gets like royalties from

she used to work for like

Thompson Reuters or some big shit.

Like anytime anytime they run a picture of her, she gets a check.

Nice.

I wish I had that.

You wish you had a photograph.

Apparently, you can make a lot of money.

My bit, like, whenever I meet a photographer, like, my asshole bit that I obviously repeat every single time I meet a photographer is

they say, oh, yeah, I'm a photographer.

I like always just take my phone out.

And I'm like, yeah, me too, buddy.

Me too.

That is a good bit.

That's good.

Does that go over?

No, they hate it.

My favorite shitty open mic bit is when people are like, yeah, when I tell people a comic, they're like,

can you do a bid for me right now?

And it's like, you're not a comedian.

I hate that.

There's nothing I hate more than that shit, dude.

You wouldn't go up to a doctor and be like, yeah, just do some surgery for me right now.

Actually, you would.

If there was a fucking emergency that happened,

if a fucking bomb went off, they would immediately be like, who here is a doctor that is hilarious god damn that's funny

like doctor wouldn't be like oh

what is this guy a comedian

why don't he make the comic do it yeah i'm not at work right now you piece of shit

quick this man's in dire need of laughs

uh back off pal

god damn I hate open mics so goddamn.

I fucking hate open mics.

I hate stand-up comedy.

I hate myself.

I wish I was dead yeah no i'm with you on the who wishes they were dead the most out of us probably me i think it fluctuates i think i'm on a high actually

yeah i'm doing bad this week i was doing bad about it but i really do a lot of the time just with you're on a nice even keel though where you're semi-depressed but then you'll fuck like women for no reason that are hot as shit and you'll still pretend to be sad well i'm having an affair now even though you're smiling oh are you yeah well i'm the uh mistress i ate a whole bag of chips today and fell asleep on the Gumar.

I didn't do anything.

I bought Plexiglass on Amazon today, and then I fell asleep on the floor.

Really?

That's the level of depression I'm at.

That's pretty bad.

But this motherfucker's talking about being a Gumar, dude.

He's fucking cucking somebody.

Well, I'm saying I'm winning.

You're winning, yeah, but I think this is pretty interesting.

He's cucking.

Yeah, go finish your story.

I mean, that's it.

Stop said something really true to me about it,

which is that you ultimately just start feeling like they're cheating on you with their boyfriend.

Oh, now he's trying to beat you with the wisdom of a large woman.

Stop, Retom.

You should be on the view.

I would love to be on the fucking view.

I would love that shit.

They should just rebrand the view.

What if you thought the view was about fat people and not women?

What if you thought it was like, yeah, it's a show for old fat people?

I guess it doesn't work because they have those young people.

They have a couple hot Republican bitches.

Yeah, the Elizabeth Hassel.

She's been off the show for a while.

She's been gone.

But I feel like there's always one hot Republican, right?

Yeah, I think.

I don't know.

I haven't watched that show with any kind of.

Has it been really

20 fucking years?

That's crazy.

Yeah, I remember when it debuted.

Me too, which is fucked up.

It's fucked up.

It used to be Barbara Walters, right?

Barbara Walters.

Barbara Walters,

Rosie O'Donnell.

No, she came in and out.

Whoopee Goldberg.

Whoopi Goldberg.

You mean Oprah?

Yeah, I do mean Oprah.

I did have to think about it.

You know, I think sometimes I make myself laugh.

I think about being the color purple, but then I think

I call her in my head the smell purple.

I don't even know what that means, but it makes me laugh.

Nice, man.

The smell purple.

Yeah, the smell of purple.

The smell inside of the color.

Why does Oprah keep trying to act?

She's still doing that?

She's about to be in a movie again.

It's like, I mean, you're fucking rich as hell.

What is she trying to act in?

She'll pop up in a movie every once.

She was in the butler.

She was.

I think she produces movies and then she forces them to make her act.

It's fucking weird.

She's in those.

Get the fuck out of there, Oprah.

Yeah, that is weird.

And she's like,

she has the worst production company name.

Harpo.

It's the most retarded shit in the world.

Also, it's a Marks Brothers.

And it's just her name backwards.

Yeah, that's

her name backwards.

So stupid.

Our production company name is way better.

Stop scale.

Stop scale L C

I would fucking love it if that was the production company name.

I might do that.

I got to talk to that CPA.

Yeah, hell yeah.

The child pornography authority.

Yo, is this okay?

I just put it together the other day.

Is sports authority supposed to be a port authority pop?

Yeah, you texted me.

I think it is.

That's the dumbest shit I've ever thought.

I I think it is.

What about bus terminals, moves, sports

merchandise?

When was sports of authority?

It was either going to be that or bad lieutenant sports of call New Orleans.

That was the other name for the store.

When was Sports Authority started?

After Port Authority.

Dude, I don't know which one was first in the store or

the concept of a Port Authority.

as a little kid, dude, the dream was to get fucking locked in a sports authority overnight and like molested?

Yeah, get fucked by the date.

You have a night home of lung robbers to

fucking tie your legs to the basketball hoop and

make you suck it up.

Put a bowling pin up my ass.

Dude, imagine though.

Well, how did you get a bunch of lawn tarts in me?

I fucking farted them out.

That was the dream, man.

Being molested in a real fun, chill way.

Yeah.

That was funnier than what I was going to say.

So

I just love sports story.

Dude, just getting locked in.

Did you ever want to be, as a little kid, get locked in places?

No.

And have your run of the place?

If I was locked, I never had that food.

I used to have fuck shit.

Exactly.

In a Whole Foods?

A Whole Foods.

A department store was the best because it had the most shit.

Yeah.

The most different shit.

But a Sports Thori was fun.

Like, you would fucking dunk and you could just play on all the shit.

Trampoline.

I used to have a fantasy that I would do repeatedly in my head.

And it was a weird, like, I don't know if, yeah, I would have a recurring dream that every window and door in my house, like, that led to the outside, if you open the door, there was just a giant ass.

It was like a nightmare that there was a giant ass that was jammed.

It was a nightmare of all time.

Yeah, yeah.

So you couldn't leave the house because there was these giant asses being shoved through the windows and doors.

Is this a dream or

that was the dream?

I can't remember.

I just remember that was a prominent part of my childhood.

And you felt scared of the asses.

Yeah, yeah.

I couldn't, there was no way to leave the house because of these asses or whatever.

And then

there was this other fantasy I used to have that there was like an underground tunnel I could go in and I had like my own panic room like my own panic control room with like you know monitors that led out everywhere and I could kill people with like remote machine guns and stuff.

Now that sounded more like a you fantasy no i actually talked to a couple of people and like numerous people had that really you know it's funny i i bonded with a friend of mine over like a couple serial killers in junior high i remember i used to fantasize about having like uh what was that movie like uh i don't even think i saw the movie but just like there was like a they there was like kids had watches that could stop time

I don't know.

Not clock stoppers.

I think that was the name of it.

Oh, yeah.

It was time stopping.

Time stopped.

Something like that.

I didn't see it, but

I understood the concept.

Yeah.

And I remember in middle school thinking about how cool it would be if I could stop time and then have sex with every girl in the class.

I know, dude, I thought that too.

Kidding.

Yeah.

Have sex with every girl in the class and then sit back down in my seat and then start time again.

And then you would just see every girl in the class suddenly just be like, oh,

and then not know what happened.

And I'm just sitting there just super relaxed.

You just come.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I just took like nine days to work my way through the entire classroom.

Oh, boy.

Yeah, that was a that was on

stopping time and touching titties all the time, dude.

Yeah,

it's just rape.

Yeah,

that's rape.

That's what I was doing.

You're just dreaming of rape in your entire school.

No, dude,

it's not rape if it's hypothetical.

Because actually, you know what, that is like a fun physics question about would consent exist outside of a construct of space-time.

Whoa.

I'm serious.

Dude,

with the concept of consent.

Because here's the thing.

The problem with rape or any crime.

That was pretty good.

Or any crime, right?

Any kind of violent crime is that you're traumatizing somebody, you're hurting them, right?

But that only becomes apparent through consequence.

So if you stop time and time doesn't exist, and you fuck somebody, the authority.

Well, that's not true because if you rape someone while they're sleeping, they don't realize what they're doing.

I know.

They wake up and realize they shouldn't.

They wake up.

If you stop time, so time.

So if there's...

But then how would you rape if there's no time?

Yeah, if you can't say something occurred because it happened outside of the realm of occurrence

at large, then there is no crime.

Yeah, but then would you just live out the rest of your life in the stopped time?

Because as soon as time resumes, then it's rape.

No, because that didn't happen to them.

I guess technically, Nick, you're right.

So you could rape that way.

Congratulations.

Yeah.

No, no, no, no, no.

What do you mean?

And then cut to a scene of me storming out of a courthouse and everyone's cheering.

There are reporters taking pictures with me.

Arms raised like Rocky.

The greatest scientist of all time.

You've been working for 40 years in a lab so you can rape people

while time is stopped.

You devoted your entire, you have one of the finest scientific minds.

That's really.

A beautiful mind.

That's what that movie is about.

Nick, you truly have.

The mind may be beautiful, but that ass.

That's the

parenthetical.

The title of that movie.

God damn.

That's the...

What is that?

The subtitle.

Subheader.

What is that?

No.

Parenthetical is right.

I'll tell you what, boys, I am excited to make some use of this Craig Master jig.

I've had my eye on it for a while now.

I'm going to be cutting a lot of pocket holes and dowels in the next couple of weeks, folks.

If you own the Craig out there and you're looking for some project ideas, follow me on YouTube.

It's the official Daily Stormer account.

Maybe every hundred videos or so, I'll do a woodworking thing.

But watch all of the videos.

it's important you listen to what these guys have to say.

You know, I know genocide may seem like a scary word, but if you really think about it,

it's kind of necessary.

What do you think?

Well, it's happening to us right now.

Yeah,

we're being white genocide.

Oh, man, I was like really disappointed that the police shot another unarmed black guy today.

Did you see that?

On the day after the terrorists.

Yeah, let me have one day

where I get to be like, I told you so.

I fucking knew it.

And then that, you know, it was a lady cop that did it.

Of course.

A lady cop.

Yeah, she's like, I got to take one for the team.

Yeah.

I got to do this and make this happen so that

we can go back to it.

I didn't even fucking realize, man, that's

quite a shame what they're doing to black people.

I'm trying to remember his name.

Terrence Howard keeps popping back in my head.

Terrence Howard has a micro penis, by the way.

Is that a fact?

Yeah.

What do you mean, the actor?

Yeah, Terrence Howard.

He has like a micro penis.

Yes, he does, dude.

What do you mean he does?

How do you know that?

How do you guys talk for a second?

I'll pull it up on my phone.

There's no way that guy's got a phone.

He has this weird thing about.

Although he does.

He does the math thing.

Zero plus zero equals one.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

He has this weird thing where, or like one times one is two.

That's what it is.

What do you mean he has it?

He like

he's like.

He says so.

He's just bad at math?

He's really bad.

No, but like, he's like very confidently bad at math.

Okay.

He's like, I have this theory.

I'll look it up after Nick pulls up this guy's dick.

Okay.

You mean that thing, that like

that contradiction in algebra where you can prove that one equals two?

Was that what it is?

I mean, maybe.

That's the thing they show you in junior high.

Is that a real thing?

Really?

I don't remember.

I remember when I took algebra, they showed you that, like, yeah, one.

You're a fucking nerd.

You know, fucking algebra?

Yeah.

I mean, not anymore.

Bitch.

All right.

I could see him.

I guess he seems like the kind of guy.

Oh, he's bat shit in the same.

He could be the kind of guy who only eats pussy.

Yeah.

No, in his divorce, get this.

So in his divorce, he was.

And this is just me.

I'm staring at a picture of his dick right now while I'm telling you that.

Show me.

I will afterwards.

So in his divorce, like he was worried, he was saying that his wife was blackmailing him and saying that she was going to tell everyone about his tiny little dick and like the divorce settlement.

That was like in the court documents.

But then he did a naked scene in a movie.

Look at this shit, dude.

Adam, pass me that.

No way.

Why would he agree to do it?

Look at that.

Look at that.

Are you sure this is real?

That's real.

Let me see.

They wouldn't use a fan.

I got a bigger dick than Terrence Howard.

They wouldn't use a fake micro-penis.

No, but this could be Photoshopped.

It's not Photoshopped.

It's a scene in the movie.

I can't understand how small it is.

Let me see it.

But why would he agree to do it in a movie?

I don't know what

No

That's pretty cool.

That's a pretty cool micro to pee what the fuck

I guess now we know why it's so hard out here for a pimp No way this is real Folks said it's a reference to the movie Hustle and Flow, which came out in 2005

2005.

Was it very overrated movie?

I thought it was okay.

I thought it was kind of a piece of shit.

You know what I want to watch again?

Training Day.

Terrence Howard believes one times one equals two.

So he created his own language.

If you believe the rules of basic arithmetic,

Terrence Howard.

I mean, you know, it's like not the biggest dick I've ever seen.

No, that is a tiny,

tiny.

It's a bad angle.

You can throw it to me.

I got an otter box.

It's a bad angle, but he's probably, you know.

Damn, that is a pretty small dick, though.

Yeah.

Poor guy.

I mean, here, look, in this one, all you can see is his balls.

There's another one?

Yeah.

All you see is his balls.

Oh, my God.

His penis is completely invisible.

All right, this is not good.

This is not good broadcast material.

Well, when

we were all looking at that picture of Arthur Chu, people seemed to like it.

Did they?

I forgot we did that.

Arthur Chu has a micro-penis.

Well, duh, of course he does.

That's not news at all.

Yeah.

It would be weird if he had a bigger than four inches dick.

After seeing his shoes, I love the idea of Arthur going to like fuck a girl, and somehow he shoves the condom halfway in his ass and it's got like the wrapper jammed down his dick hole.

He's like, okay, I'm ready.

I'm ready to do this.

Alright, this is what Terrence Howard says about 1 times 1.

He said, how could it equal 1?

If 1 times 1 equals 1, that means that 2 is of no value because 1 times itself has no effect.

1 times 1 equals two because the square root of four is two.

So what's the square root of two?

Should be one, but we're told it's two.

And that cannot be.

That's that's two isn't the square root of two.

No, it's like it's like one point

something.

Yeah, something weird.

Yeah, he's fucking stupid, and he's got a little ass dick.

Yeah.

I'm glad they replaced him in Iron Man with

a drink.

Maybe he's just thinking with his dick, folks.

Because it's small.

Little ass dick.

Nick's doing a thing like he's whispering.

Yeah, well,

that does pick up.

Oh, it does?

Yeah.

I didn't know that.

People can tell.

There's an acoustic sound.

I'm doing it now, you pieces of shit.

Yeah.

That's a.

I feel like this makes things funnier if you do that.

I've been doing this a lot, actually, recently.

This, like, like a.

Like, you're trying to

get it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's a fun thing.

Like, your hand is blocking the sound from

the sounds.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

That's cool.

This is also good radio.

I feel like I've been on point tonight.

You've been great.

You've been good.

Thanks, guys.

You've been really careful.

I've been so depressed lately, so I needed that.

Yeah.

I'm thinking about getting into cheese.

It's not a bad thing.

Like stinky stuff, like

French.

I'm thinking about it.

I really was in the mood tonight for some cheddar and triscuits.

Folks, this podcast is brought to you by Rosemary and Olive Oil Triscuits.

The Triscuits for not gay guys.

The rest of the Triscuits,

you better be, you're gay.

I love rosemary and fucking.

You know what I understand why Trump doesn't just say, like, look, if you don't vote for me, you're a faggot.

Because the people that aren't going to vote for him that would still would fall for that.

You know what I mean?

That's all the jelly beans.

That's the perfect way to solidify his base.

Like, vote for Trump or you're.

I would love.

Are you gay?

Imagine seeing fucking billboards that say that just like vote for Trump or you're gay

in major American cities

is not completely out of the realm of possibility this is the new dicks out for Harambe yeah vote for Trump or you're gay vote for Trump or you're gay I think this could be something did you guys hear that when they arrested the terrorists that did the bomb today he said dicks out for Harambe that was the latest yeah he said it said he said I hate Brandon so much

He said the person that inspired me the most to commit this act of terrorism is Brandon Wardell.

I mean, he could have said that.

The guy was a psychopath.

He's not a real Muslim.

Any Muslim that commits any kind of,

well, if jumps a turnstile, you know, doesn't pay his taxes, they're no longer Muslim.

It's true.

In fact, the only real Muslim is the guy from the night up, that actor.

It's the only one guy.

He was a good boy.

Yeah.

He was a good boy.

And Adnan also a good boy.

No.

No.

Adnan did it.

Adnan's a bad boy.

Yeah.

Adon's Christian now?

Yeah.

I didn't know that's how it worked.

The Christian by guilt.

Adnan did it, by the way.

I never watched that show.

You didn't listen to Serial?

I don't give a fuck about Cereal G.

Serial, it's great, actually.

It's actually

Cereal Season 1 is what got me in the podcast.

I listened to it when I was moving once.

What do you mean?

It was fucking two years ago.

Yeah.

That was the first podcast I listened to.

It was serial.

Yeah.

That's weird.

I was like, okay, maybe this isn't like such a season.

You're like a fucking Midwestern mom.

That's what they were saying, like, the first podcast.

The podcast had been in industry for like...

People were doing it for how long?

Like, 10 years?

Yeah, I mean, I listened to a handful of what the fucks.

I never really cared for it.

Yeah.

You know, but you also date Marin.

What's that?

You also hate Marin.

Yeah.

I didn't listen to Race Wars when I was on it.

Yeah.

I'd probably been on like seven podcasts before I actually got into listening to podcasts.

I can't listen to the ones that I'm on.

That's fucking weird.

Yeah, no, it is weird.

Who does that?

I don't know.

What kind of fucking psychopaths are you doing?

Do you think that Terrence Howard acts?

So,

no, serial is great because there's one episode where

the whole

prosecution's case hinged on their

structure of

their timeframe of how the crime went down.

And there is a 21-minute window where

Adnan can't be accounted for and neither can like Heyman.

And like they just have to go based on like Adnan's story.

And the prosecution says, like, okay, this is what he did.

He left the school.

He, you know, met up with her here.

At best by best buy, he choked her out in the car and then dumped her body in the woods and then went back in time for football practice or whatever.

And that was, that was what happened in the 21 minutes.

And so you're like halfway through serial and you know, they cut to like Ad Nan on the prison prison phone.

He's like, you know, I just don't understand how I could have, you know, ever had the time to do that.

You know, I mean, it just doesn't make sense to me how I could do that.

She's like, well, what did happen, Adnan?

He's like, you know, I honestly don't remember.

You know, and it's like, that's his whole thing.

He's like, I don't remember.

And then she's like, that's what makes him so credible is that like he doesn't have an alibi.

And it's like, okay.

And then so.

I don't disagree.

I don't either.

I don't remember what I did yesterday.

But there's this idea that like convicts don't fucking lie to people.

Like they're not really good liars.

Right.

Well, no, convicts are, for the most part, pretty bad liars.

A small percentage of them are sociopaths and they're incredible liars.

Most of them aren't very good at lying.

I think so.

You do?

They're pretty good at lying.

I think any person that I've like met that has spent

a decent amount of time in like prison, they're usually good at lying.

They're usually liars.

I would agree with that.

Yeah.

Well, he hadn't spent time in prison.

He was just a

murder.

He was in serial, I guess he was.

Anyhow, yeah.

So there's one episode where they like, she's like, so me and Dana decided to follow the prosecution's timeline and see how long it would take.

And they like time it.

And they're like, okay, we're leaving.

They actually leave the school.

They do everything that he said he did.

And then they get to the phone booth where he makes the phone call that ends.

And she's like, and time.

And she looks at the watch and she's like, okay, 22 minutes and 30 seconds.

It's like,

it's almost almost like pretty much like, you know, it's like a minute off.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And

then they tell Adnan, and he's like, well, that,

hmm.

Okay.

You know, and then he just has to fucking.

But yeah, no, he definitely killed that girl.

Do you think Stephen Avery did it?

Stephen Avery absolutely did it.

Look, any kind of thing, any kind of justice documentary is bullshit.

They're all bullshit.

Stephen Avery, guilty.

Adnan guilty.

Robert Durst innocent.

True.

Yeah.

He's 100% innocent.

There's something about Robert Durst.

I don't know what it is.

That Adnan just was not.

I can't put my finger on it.

Stephen Avery kind of ruins that joke.

Oh, I guess, yeah.

But I like where you're going with it.

Well, Robert Durst is Jewish.

You could go that route.

Yeah, I suppose.

There you go.

Well, then that's bad also, though.

Yeah, it is.

So Stephen Avery is something different.

I told you guys, right, when I was a kid, OJ was going on.

My father

just went absolutely crazy about the trial.

Like a lot of people, that's not very remarkable, but

he

did not believe O.J.

Simpson killed his wife.

He was like the only white man in America.

And he was just sitting at a lot of people, a lot of fucking people absolutely nuts.

No, it was pretty evenly divided.

Like white people were like, yeah, he did it.

I think rich white people didn't want to believe that.

Well, I pretty much had my finger directly on the pulse of America back then when I was five years old.

I really understood the zeitgeist at the time.

The people I talked to at work when I was five.

No, you watch those reaction videos.

Watch the reaction videos from the Doggy.

The World Star Wars from the 30 for 30.

No, no.

Watch the reaction videos from the 30 for 30.

I didn't see the 30 for 30.

You didn't?

That's as good as that.

That's insane.

It's literally white people just weeping about Nicole, and then like black people just going absolutely.

I'm like, so excited.

That dad is such a funny character.

The guy that they got to play the dad in the TV show looked exactly.

What about my son?

It looked exactly like the real.

It was so funny.

What's his name?

Goldman?

Gay-ass dead son.

Okay, guys.

Well, it's our monster truck check-in time now.

Ready for the monster truck minute.

Actually, we should probably take.

Well, I don't want to.

I've been enjoying not taking breaks because then I don't have to fucking find some gay bullshit to put in the middle of the show.

Yeah, that's fine.

That's fine.

I would

have to do a small caffeine.

We're all going out to dinner after this.

I can't go to dinner.

Yes, you can, bitch.

Just go grab something quick.

Where?

I don't know.

We're going to a diner.

I have my bike here.

We're going to Danny's diner.

Danny's delicious diner down on the block on Decalb.

Is that place open on Decalb?

I don't fucking know.

I don't know what I'm talking about.

I'm trying to fill time on our podcast.

You're both falling asleep.

All right, I'm sorry.

We did a podcast late last night, and then I'll be up at seven this morning.

I was working.

Yeah, I gotta go build a goddamn fence tomorrow.

I'm gonna be up at 6 a.m.

Really?

Why?

I don't know.

I told my on-night helper put a gate in.

Where?

Westchester?

No, in Elle's Kitchen.

Hell's Kitchen.

Yeah.

She has like a...

What kind of gate?

Like a wrought iron gate?

No, it's just like a stockade gate.

It's like rooted out.

Yeah.

It's in like, it's behind the apartment.

Oh, behind the.

apartment.

No one has like a wooden front gate in New York.

No, no, no.

It's like where her garbage cans are.

But it's all rotted out.

Are you getting into iron work?

That'd be cool.

I want to learn how to weld, build a fucking robot,

enter those robot fights with my giant robot that I've built.

Hell yeah.

Yeah, get an angle grinder.

Yeah, that's my new thing, is just making sparks.

That's the coolest shit, dude.

Do you guys remember David Letterman had that woman that would fucking do sparks?

Yeah, yeah.

Remember that shit?

Yeah, she would grind the shit on her pussy.

Yeah, yeah.

I remember beating off to that a couple of times.

Really?

Did you?

Yeah.

'Cause you could see, like, real high up near her pussy.

She had like a real angled bikini bottom.

Yeah, I don't remember that bit.

The only one I remember is Will It Float.

That's fucking...

He did some crazy stuff.

Damn it.

He was the best person to do that very, very stupid job.

No, dude, Jimmy Fallon, he's the best.

Oh, shut up.

I look that everyone was mad that Fallon had Trump on.

They're not mad that he had Trump on.

They're mad that he, like, flirted with Trump.

Didn't even ask.

Trump's a great guy.

Shut up.

He says what we're all thinking.

You know, he really...

Look, listen.

He really understands people.

Okay.

In a way that other people don't.

He's a blue-collar billionaire.

Yeah.

You know?

He's the blue-collar comedy tour.

He's all for this.

Exactly.

Exactly.

Did you see Larry the Cable guy on Fox and Friends?

So good.

I think we talked about this on another show.

Look, Hillary Clinton is going to ruin the country.

He went, yeah, he went on in character.

We got to get her out done.

Get her finished.

We got to get her done.

Yeah.

He went in character to a fucking

Dan Whitney, you mean?

Yeah.

He was in and out of character.

I don't even know.

Have you ever seen Dan Whitney videos like before he was Larry the Cable guy?

He's just a regular guy.

Mike Diesel used to pretend that he knew him before he was Larry the Cable guy.

Well, he was a Florida stand-up.

No, he's like a Florida guy who called into a radio show.

He would call into radio shows as different characters, and eventually the Larry the Cable guy character was a hit.

Get the fuck out of here.

Yeah.

Jesus Christ.

Yeah, I don't know.

I don't think he had much of a career before that blue-collar comedy tour thing, because Jeff Foxworthy blew them all up.

Yeah.

Ron White's the one that it's like coolest to like.

Ron White's the only one that was like actually any funny comic, too.

Tater Salad.

Yeah.

Like,

Bill Engvall, the Bill Engvall show.

Yeah.

Everyone

when women pee, they look like they're waiting for a bus.

Why are you watching women pee?

Why are you supposed to look interesting while they pee, Bill?

What the fuck is your point?

Oh, fuck.

Oh, you know what we didn't talk about that we said we were going to talk about on the bonus?

Is Irwin, dude?

Oh, fuck.

Yeah, we should have.

That's how it closes this sound.

That's a fucking good one.

Yeah, I just mentioned Mike Diesel, and I forgot completely about Irwin.

Irwin.

He changed it to.

He did?

Yeah.

Why would you change your name to that?

I guess he doesn't want people to know that he's Jewish.

Sounds Jewish.

Well, Irwin, and the way the guy looks.

Yeah, this guy looks like...

If you've been following me on Twitter for a while, back when I was Eddie Cum,

Miabby was

Irwin hanging off that swing stage.

Where did you find the greatest picture?

That's such a fucking...

He takes the best picture.

He's awesome.

There's one with him just sitting in a chair at the back of his stage.

He's morbidly obese.

Morbidly fucking obese.

He has a mustache.

Mustache.

He looks like he's like, I look like Ron Jeremy.

And he does, but like, looking like Ron Jeremy isn't a good thing.

Ron Jeremy.

He's not a good-looking guy.

He has one good part of his body.

And it's not dick, he'd be an ugly,

just some fucking guy that never fucks and just like works it who knows where.

Yeah.

Yeah, Irwin's some fucking, he's a, he used to run open mics in D.C.

He ran the EJ's Landing.

Kaleidoscope Comedy.

What the fuck name is that even?

I don't know.

Yeah, I feel bad with Irwin because he's just like a guy that sucks at comedy.

He's not like.

Right.

And I used to be really fucked.

I used to fucking bully the shit out of that man.

When I was like 17 years old and he was 40,

he did, I hosted the first open mic he ever did.

And

he was like,

how do you think I did?

To like me and Jordan Owens.

And Jordan's like, yeah, just keep at it, man.

I was like, honestly?

And he was like, yeah.

I was like, you have no business doing comedy.

I was like, I know it's your first time, but like, you're just really not fucking funny.

That's holy.

Like, there's nothing in your personality.

You really said that to him?

Yeah.

I was mean as shit.

That's incredible.

Yeah, I was like, there's nothing in your personality that resembles like a funny person.

Yeah.

I don't, like, understand.

You don't have like the prerequisite, you know, sense of humor to be a good comedian ever.

There's so many people in comedy like that.

I know, but I was like six, seven months in, and I'm like, so funny.

Yeah, who's Junior over here?

Right, right, right.

His first open mic.

Because I also remember that was like, I think Jason Weems was just getting started.

Yeah.

He'd been doing comedy like one or two weeks, and he did that open mic, and he did like 20 minutes and crushed.

Yeah, and it was so funny.

Crushed really.

Well, no one was there, no one was ever at that

point.

But it was all funny.

Yeah, yeah.

Hmm.

Yeah, Weems is fucking hilarious.

Yeah, Irwin is.

I feel bad telling him.

I can't.

I don't know if I can.

Oh, you got a real good one that you can't.

Yeah, maybe.

I'm sorry, I said his name.

I said his whole name.

Yeah.

It's a pretty fucking damning story.

Anyway, let's talk about another guy.

Do you know any stories about a different guy?

Oh, yeah.

Is this guy Erwin Dickfield?

He's Seth's cousin.

I forgot about it.

Yeah, so Seth Dickfield has a friend named Erwin Dickfield.

They're related to each other.

Whatever Erwin Dickfield?

Oh, yeah.

So Erwin Dickfield one time.

this other guy we know, he has this like fucking, this big idiot roommate, this guy Chris, that was like, who never worked.

He just was always on the couch in their apartment.

Like, this guy was like 6'11, and he would just take up the entire couch, just lay down and playing, like,

he was playing some

Final Fantasy Online or something in the dark with the air conditioner set to like 50 degrees.

And he'd be like,

what's going on, kid?

He had this weird accent.

He'd be like, What's going on, kid?

How are you doing, kid?

And be like, Chris, what do you do?

He's like, I sell beer for the Redskins.

This is the job he said he had, but he had the stadium, yeah.

But he never left the apartment, so I don't think he was employed.

We're watching the Redskins on TV right now, dude.

Right now, no, I'm like, he says that he's oh, oh, yeah, okay, it's on TV.

You can't just fucking wake up to sell that bit at all.

Sorry,

sorry,

what if he was like,

what if he said this?

So,

yeah, I guess they were at like a bar one night, and that guy had been hitting on this woman that was like obviously a lesbian.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

And

I heard this story from like three other people.

And it's about a fictional guide.

Yeah, yeah, it's about

Seth's cousin.

They're fucking field.

So, Chris, the roommate, had been hitting on

this fucking woman that was like clearly a lesbian.

At the end of the night, she goes home to do lesbian shit.

He's like, dah, struck out or whatever.

And that fictional guy and his girlfriend are like, well, you can come have a threesome with us, I guess.

Oh, man.

I don't know.

I can't.

You're in too deep.

It's too late.

It's too late.

No,

we got to switch.

This one's got to be the premium one.

This story is too fucking mean.

I've told it to like maybe, and I didn't even know.

I heard it like third hand, you know?

That's too late.

You tell it.

You've heard the story.

No, no, because it's already fucking gossip.

It's not my story.

Somebody told me.

Stavner.

I don't know if this is right, but so apparently this guy, Erwin Dickfield, invites this giant mongoloid back to his home to have a threesome with him and his girlfriend.

And

apparently, apparently Erwin Dickfield

was just beating off

while

this man just savagely fucked his girlfriend

yeah I guess somebody said he couldn't get it up or something he couldn't get

so he was just like

fingering rubbing his penis like it was a clit while a man fucked his girlfriend that's a well-known kink though like the the cuckold you thing yeah the fuck my wife thing.

Yeah.

Yeah, well.

I mean,

this is something that Erwin

is into.

I feel so bad.

You know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to bleep his last name.

Okay, that's good.

Yeah, that's good.

The anti-Semitic Come Town Fans account is going to find him, though, I'm sure.

He found Saav's office.

I don't know how he did that.

You like

the name?

Yeah, but he didn't even say it.

Like, he was like,

I mentioned it like briefly in passing, and he somehow found it.

That's hilarious.

Yeah.

Good for him.

Another great episode at Sav Comedy, at Nick Mullen, at fucky Kyke Snot Nose Piece of shit.

Oh, man, that is.

How many of our fans do you think are sh just

anti-Semitic?

Or like alt-right?

A lot of them,'cause a lot of them come over from when me and Stav did did the Akumi assistant.

Oh, did you guys see the spike after that?

Yeah, of course.

I mean, I stayed heavy promoting this shit on all of the bad boy networks.

Yeah,

I've promoted on they've been waiting for a Puerto Rican Rattlesnake podcast.

Yeah, they're not going to be a big one.

They're literally rattlesnakes in bad one.

We haven't been hitting that as hard.

This is the number one MMA podcast in New York.

When Lance Colt fights Dirk Benson next week at UFC 82, I can't wait.

He's going to choke him out.

Dude, we're talking

rear naked chokes.

We're talking arm bars.

Kimuras.

Kimo Sabes.

Kimura Kimo Sabes.

Fucking reverse cow girls.

Adult karate, dude.

Cow girls.

What if that's how you won?

That's a submission move.

Yo, there's this guy.

He's got a black belt, okay?

Fifth degree.

And he's, you know, full contact.

We're talking big time.

Big time, baby.

And I cannot wait to see that fight.

You heard it here for her.

Yeah, we're going to have actually on the premium content, we're starting a new MMA podcast called Hammer Fisting.

Yeah.

So you're going to really want to check that out.

Oh,

how can I fuck with Nick Mullen?

My friend.

Think about punching him in the fucking head.

Is that a good prank?

Yeah,

that's a good prank.

You can't troll me.

Nobody trolls me.

Lewis, Jay Gomez.

Who's that?

You mean Lewis Dickfield?

Yeah.

Lewis Dickfield Gomez.

Lewis D.

Gomez.

Louis Dickfield Gomez.

Louis D.

Gomez.

There's supposed to be a town called Dickfield.

Or Dicktown.

Dicktown.

Dicktown is the podcast.

Dicktown is the alternate universe.

That's it.

Did you listen to?

Seth has his own podcast now.

I heard it, man.

I can't believe he broke into the Anthony Cumius Studios

podcast.

Who is that

Chinese?

He's got a great cohort.

I don't know.

I think that guy died.

I think I heard from somebody else.

I mean, I don't know the plan, but I think Seth's just going to have a different POC guest.

Oh, boy.

Every week.

Is he?

Oh, Seth.

So, well, you know, hopefully, well, that's fine if that's what he plans to do, but I mean, we're going to lock up the equipment real tight.

So

he's never going to get out of here.

I don't know if we can get another one, but maybe his cousin Ralph might be able to help him out.

I think Ralph might actually have it.

Ralph has done a couple beanies.

Yeah, I think.

Ralph might swing by, have a couple couple of things.

Or maybe his friend,

you know, Erwin Dickfield.

Erwin and Ralph should hang out.

I think that would be a lot of fun.

Oh, boy.

Yo, why is this fucking gay Jewish clown out here, yo?

Who got this fucking?

You know, I look kind of like Ron Jeremy.

Yo, let me see your dick then, yo.

You fucking talking like you're doing.

The best was like when Erwin was on show posters and it was like six black guys on on him.

I don't know how he got in on that click, but like it was just always like, you know, like did you see that video?

James the comedian.

Yeah, yeah,

Big Fred.

I used to love all those guys.

All those like PG County comics.

The fight

at the open video is the funniest one.

Rollo posted a fight at an open mic in like PG County somewhere.

It was, no, that was, that was, Erwin hosted that.

Yeah.

It was something like Temple Hills Open Mic, and it's a guy's like LaMarcus Way Too Violent Jackson, the entertainer.

The entertainer.

They've been stealing Scott Joplin's name for 80 years.

Some guy is something too funny.

Yeah, too funny, too business, hilarious entertainment.

Entertainment.

Sorry about LLC.

That's the LLC.

I love that shit.

Way real dark black entertainment.

Super, super dark black guy entertainment.

LLC Incorporated trademark sign.

International executive black guy.

Or it's just and Larius, but then the S is the dollar sign.

And Larious Entertainment presents two funny Tuesdays.

No, what did you do?

Two Larry Tuesday.

Two Larious Tuesdays.

Fuck.

Irwin Lori.

Tom Myers was just on one of those shows.

Somebody sent me the post-social book.

Yeah, him in the middle of Pennsylvania on some urban show, and it's him in three middle-aged black women comics.

That's awesome.

They'll let those guys keep working.

Yeah, the Irwin and the Toms can keep getting.

I fucking loved Lawrence.

Lawrence is so funny.

Lawrence Owens is funny.

I mean, he's whatever.

He's not.

He cracks me up, dude.

I was watching a Lawrence Owens video the other day where he's doing that thing about how

he's got glasses, so he can't be a thug,

and he's just fucking like going up to the mic stand all cross-eyed, and he's like, Who's the motherfucker I'm supposed to kill?

It's just him right here,

shit, there he is.

He's just a goofball, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But yeah, no, he's great, he's really funny.

Um,

also, really funny

performer, really good stuff about gay people.

Oh, yeah, no, the bit immediately after that, in that video, is like, shit, half of you probably know a faggot.

One time I did a Tony Woods show at Climate.

Tony is fucking hilarious.

Yeah, Tony's a good guy.

Climate

with a K.

Yeah, yeah, Clement.

Climate, Climate.

Clemat Lounge.

Yeah, Clemat.

So I went there.

I saw Tony the night before.

He's like, come through Climate tomorrow night.

You know, we drink some Grand Marnier.

And there's this guy, David, that was on the real world, like, one of the early seasons.

He was a black guy, David something.

And he was a DC comic, I guess.

With like Martin Lawrence, and like back in the day, he was a DC comic.

And his sister was there.

I guess he was hanging out at the show.

I guess Tony knew him.

And his sister was there, and she was just,

you know, completely blackout, heckling every single person on stage.

Jesus.

You know, just, you know, Tony's there.

Tony gets in late.

Like, the show is already off the rails.

Of course.

And I was about to go up next.

I'm like, I'm just going to the lion's den.

You know, this woman's going to destroy me.

And there's this guy that went up before me.

His name was Detroit Boat.

Do you ever run across that guy?

Do you ever run across that?

What the fuck?

Detroit Boat?

I swear to God, this guy's name is Capricorn.

Yeah, my name is Caprice Classic.

Detroit is known for cars, too.

That's not necessarily like a nautical type of vibe, though.

Yeah.

He's on Lake Michigan.

So he's trying to do his axe.

She's interrupting him.

And he's like, is someone going to tell this bitch to shut up?

She stands up as soon as he says, bitch, and she just smacks him across the face.

I was there the night the Detroit boat

got smacked across the face by the sister of a guy that was on Real World 2 Los Angeles.

That's so funny.

Yeah, all those guys used to come hang out.

They used to do Ian Salmon's open mic.

I remember the guy, I forget his name, Chris something.

He was the host of Rap City.

No, I know who you're talking about.

Yeah,

Chris Thomas, yeah.

Rap City the Basement was the guy that worked at the Wizards games.

Remember?

Well, Chris Thomas did.

Chris Thomas was the original host.

I don't remember, but I know Chris had a ton of crap.

Big Tig, right?

Big Tigger.

He was the original host of Rap City.

So maybe it was like season one or something.

But

yeah, he was at an open mic one time, and there was this one guy losing his mind, and he's like, how are you all not going crazy?

Do you not know who this is?

And he's like, This was the original host of Rap City.

Yeah, people were like, Okay, you know, he was famous as shit, and he it was just he would come and just like, if you got in a corner with him, dude, if it was you and him one-on-one, he just wouldn't stop telling you about how he used to be famous.

Yeah, it was just like he would not stop telling you that.

That's the saddest shit, dude.

And he would be doing his like Arsinio Hall impression or something.

Like, he would just be doing very dated impressions and shit like that, like up until like two years ago.

Yeah.

Which, I don't know.

It's pretty sad.

Yep, that's depressing.

It's a shitty world to live in.

Comedy sucks.

People burn out.

That's what's not us, dude.

That podcast is going to keep growing.

There's actually a new feature on Patreon where you're not allowed to delete your pledge.

Yeah, so guess what?

We have your social security information.

You don't like this episode?

Did anyone delete their pledge because the first bonus was bad?

Oh, yeah, a bunch of them.

Really?

A bunch?

No.

I just want to make you feel bad.

Why did you say that?

Oh, fuck.

I just.

I screw up in my mouth a little bit.

Nice, man.

Nice, dude.

Well, we got to have one puke.

That's how we know.

That's our time to end.

That is a good.

Yeah.

The cat puking wasn't.

The cat pukes, Nick pukes.

No, I think I got an ulcer or something.

I don't know.

Probably.

But yeah, that's been an hour and eight minutes, so we're fucking

done, I guess.

The Man in the Arena by LifeVac is a new podcast from the founder and CEO of LifeVac, Arthur Lee.

Shines a light on real people saving lives, standing up, and stepping in when it matters most.

From everyday heroes to the moments that define us, this is what resilience, faith, and purpose sound like.

Listen today to The Man in the Arena by LifeVac on the iHeartRadio app.

That's The Man in the Arena by LifeVac, because doing the right thing still matters.