Ep. 17 – Old Friends

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Hello.

Hello.

Hi, everyone.

Hi, welcome to Cometown,

WCUM, Cometown Radio

C-U-M.

The home of,

I don't know,

C-U-M.

I don't know what that noise was.

It's like, it's like

how Cosby impressions sort of evolved over the years.

So then when you get to the family guy, Cosby impression, it's so far removed from actual Cosby.

Right, it's an impression of the business.

Look at the game, Jello Bud Blood.

Well, the kids, they go, they listen to the jazz music and it goes zip, zop, zoom.

Ooh, I used to, there was a man that sold Kodak film.

That was like

a family guy bent.

We were just talking about how Brandon didn't really talk much on the podcast last time.

Yeah, fuck Brandon.

Which is good.

Because fuck him, but you can check him out on Chapo Trap House.

He was their guest this week.

Yeah, political

analysis from

Brandon.

One of the most woke intellectuals,

public intellectuals, like a Norman Mailer type.

More like woker.

Galer.

Galer.

Thank you all.

Hormone Galer.

Hormone Galer.

Hormone Galer.

Oh, that's good.

Yeah, if you guys follow Norman Wilkerson on Twitter, please call him Hormone Wilkerson from now on.

Glad we.

And tell him taxes are too low.

Yeah.

So we got to cover this.

I already told Adam I'm doing this.

Oh, I don't know about this.

This is used to me.

I didn't consider.

You don't have to fucking consider it.

Let me know.

So basically,

about rape again?

No.

So

we're all aware of the character, or not character, the guy who's come on the show, who died tragically, slipping on a banana peel.

Okay.

Who we stopped mentioning and like out of reverence for the dead.

Yeah, right.

Because he passed away.

So there's this other guy,

Seth Cockfield, who was offended by the character.

And that's why, you know, I mean, it's not why, but it was sort of a coincidence that Seth had a meltdown about it, and then Seth Cockfield died, and we stopped

allowing Seth Dickfield to bully Seth Cockfield via the magic of theater.

Right, right, right.

Oh, I didn't get it.

Oh, so Dickfield was bullying Cockfield.

Yeah, it wasn't me.

I see.

Okay.

It was the guy.

It was the real human being with Seth Cockfield.

You know, my favorite movie of all time is Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

And

Roger Rabbit is chained to Eddie Valiant.

They're handcuffed together for about an hour.

Yeah.

And then they're in that back room in the bar.

And

Eddie finally, Eddie finds a hacksaw and he starts hacking through the handcuffs.

And while he's doing that, Roger Rabbit just slips out of the handcuffs and he starts watching him.

Oh, yeah.

And Eddie says, You mean to tell me you could have taken those off at any time?

And he goes, No, only when it was funny.

And

I sort of live by that code

that anything can be justified if it's funny.

And so I'm not responsible for hurting Seth's feelings.

And he's a bad guy.

What do you mean?

I thought you said you had nothing against him.

I don't have anything against him.

I mean, I'm just saying objectively he's a bad guy.

That's even better.

Yeah.

He's claiming it's objective.

But there's like a scientific unit of measurement.

It's not that he's petty, and anyone who annoys him a little bit, he goes way too hard at them.

Who, me?

Yeah.

Who else have I gone way too hard at?

Anyone that annoys you on the internet.

I feel like on the internet you like to just.

No, there's people I like make fun of.

I think Seth's like a great character and he just doesn't realize that.

Anyways, the point is, I wouldn't bring him up, but Seth rejoined Facebook to complain about me.

Oh, really?

And clear the air.

And I think, you know, it's...

No, hold on.

This is like.

Adam's shaking his head in protest.

He posted this because he.

And I agree with him.

You know,

I have been mean to him.

So I I think it's like only fair

that I

let people whose only exposure to Seth hear what Seth has to say in his own character in his own defense.

Okay.

So Seth posted this.

Yeah, don't do.

You're definitely not going to do the voice.

What do you mean?

Well, it's in Seth's words.

Why would I not

do the voice?

Seth wrote,

hi, I'm not back.

I just wanted to share this and then bounce back into the ether sometime before Monday.

This tweet is an old tweet of mine, which I tweeted in a rage one day in the spring of 2015, right around noon, most probably after reading about yet another atrocity portrayed by some white cop or politician or rapist.

Adam, you look at this, please.

If it's really going to bother you that much, I'll tell you, there's seven more paragraphs.

Just continue.

We're only halfway through the first one.

We already started.

Yeah, there's no going back.

Well,

if you don't want to be a part of this, I guess.

If you're such good friends with Seth,

that

you don't want me to just

let Seth speak for himself here.

This is a recording you're playing.

Right.

Of Seth reading his post.

Yeah, play the recording.

He went live on Facebook Live.

Finish the video.

I don't know.

Well, if you're going to have a problem.

Continue.

No, you already said,

I guess I'm just a big bully.

I guess everybody just thinks I'm just a fucking asshole because I'm trying to let Seth defend himself to the come town.

You know what?

You're right.

Let Seth finish.

You're right.

You're right.

We're being the bullies.

We're trying to stifle Seth's voice.

Let's hear what he had to say.

Anyhow, he says,

this is a tweet he tweeted in a rage after an atrocity portrayed by white cop or politician or rapist.

The tweet got no likes or retweets at the time, which was fine.

I didn't expect it to.

I just wanted to get it off my chest.

If that makes you feel uncomfortable, I get that and I'm happy to discuss it.

And then he's included the tweet, which

is terrible.

Well, the tweet is here's Seth.

And he says, White people will one day go extinct and I cannot wait.

New power structure, please.

He wants himself to go extinct.

Well, anyhow.

So that's the tweet he included.

What do you mean you can't wait?

You are white.

Well, hold on.

He explains it further.

Okay, okay.

I'm sorry.

Okay.

He says, earlier this summer, a certain comedian popular on Twitter, whom I will refer to as X, which is

Nicholas X.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's cool.

I love that.

That's a cool nickname.

Thank you, Seth.

That's why you go under the short of Vin Diesel.

X is a tight nickname for it.

Nowhere near as good as Seth Dickfield, though.

No, Dickfield's great.

If he was like, earlier this summer, a certain community popular on Twitter, who I'm going to refer to as Nick Dickface,

I would have laughed.

That would have been really good.

That would have been funny.

That was a blown opportunity.

He gave you instead a really cool punk rock name.

Yeah.

Cuntless.

His X.

Well, punk rock names are all like.

Your first name is literally one.

David Murderer, like Jonathan Trash.

Johnny Rotten Mike Snott fucking pussy

I'm in a hardcore band.

I'm Johnny Snott ass

I'm Johnny I'm Johnny Pus Taint.

Yeah

So okay, so earlier this summer first name is literally one letter away from Dick.

Yeah, you know

me Dick Molly that would have funny Dick Molly

well it would have been funnier if he called me like Nick Dick Face or Nick Dick Fagger.

He just

didn't put any effort into it like I didn't with the cockfish.

Nick Muldick would have been good.

Yeah, that would have been funny.

But he went with X.

So, sorry, now I'm the X-Man.

Now I'm a fucking mutant in the

people's minds.

The only white guy that looks good, bald, and handicapped.

That's true.

That's a good combo.

Okay.

Earlier this summer, a certain comedian popular on Twitter, who I'm going to refer to as X, someone whom I'm not.

Is that that's not whom is possessive, right?

No, it's it's it's the objective,

not the subjective.

Someone so, but this isn't correct usage.

Someone whom I'm not amicable with in the least.

I don't think it's right.

Someone who, yeah.

I don't know.

Someone who, yeah, because you are the subject of the sentence.

I don't fucking know, dude.

I'm dumb also.

Thought it'd be funny to create a character based on me for his podcast.

This was completely unprovoked.

The character is a weak, submissive, social justice warrior type who overuses words like woke and is generally obsessed with political correctness.

The character's name is Seth Dickfield, which, side note, again,

Seth is a real Seth Dickfield is a real person.

It's pretty insensitive.

This guy who died.

Yeah, we've all seen it.

We've all looked at it.

Actually, I don't know.

Have I been the real person?

And honestly, Seth, for you to say that Seth Dickfield isn't real,

considering he died at Auschwitz in a way that kind of makes you a Holocaust tonight.

So, Seth Cockfield, Holocaust denied, geez.

All right, getting back to the

note.

Seriously, he's not even trying to hide the fact.

He's not even trying to hide the fact that the character is based on me.

It's fucking weird, to say the least.

I haven't talked to this dude in over a year.

This is the best part of the whole thing.

I'm listening.

Last time I talked to him, he was at an open mic where he got upset with me because I wouldn't budge on my I don't like the n-word and don't think white people should ever say it stands.

He got mad because he thought his logic was sound.

To be fair, that is a hilarious.

Wait, that is

best.

Right, right.

That didn't fucking happen.

I wouldn't argue with Seth about it.

That's so good.

That is the best.

He's like, last time I said the best.

Sorry, I don't like the N-word.

He was stomping his feet and demanding to use the N-word in an open mic.

Let me say it.

Let me say it.

Let me say it, Seth.

I'm anti-rape and anti-Edward, and I'm never changing that.

Dude, the idea of just wanting to say the N-word.

A person that would argue at length that they should say it, but wouldn't say it to be that stupid.

Right.

Also, like,

that I'm arguing with Seth.

And that death that did not watch.

Of course not.

It did not.

He made it up.

That absolutely didn't happen.

The last argument I got is

he was stopping you from saying the N-word.

Bravely stopped.

Oh my God.

Oh, boy.

What a fucking hero.

What a hero.

He goes, well, X wanted to show

that this character was based on a real person, so he scoured my actual Twitter feed for anything that might resemble his Seth Dickfield character, and he found one, the one I've uploaded here.

He tweeted it, and his followers went ape shit.

I tweeted it without context.

I just retweeted you saying a thing, which...

You knew what you were doing.

I knew what I was doing.

I knew that it was very funny.

I knew it was fucking funny.

I knew it was like people are going to laugh at him for being this much of a fucking idiot.

But I didn't need to be like, you know, hey, bully this guy or here this way.

This is dumb.

It stays at face value.

It's a really dumb thing to write.

So the tweet immediately started making the rounds with the most depressing parts of Twitter.

Oh, God.

I guess the least depressing part of Twitter is tweeting at Talib Quality all day long.

Don't let them get you, Talib.

That's the least depressing part.

Talib, very for women's rights.

Yeah.

He really wants women to have breath control.

Um uh the worst people in the world relish that X's character was based on someone so real and so liberal, and so they made it their business to keep a stream of daily hatred popping up in my notifications.

It has been shared more times than I can count.

It's like, well, that's the thing about Twitter, Seth.

It tells you exactly how many times it has been shared.

Seth can count to 13.

It's been shared more times than I'm capable of reading a number off a screen.

So basically, I'm semi-famous in the Breitbart world for believing that white supremacy is real, should be dismantled, and meaning it.

Yeah, that's not what you said, man.

You said white people should go extinct.

And then the response from the majority of the people who responded to that tweet was like, doesn't this guy know he's white?

Yeah, that's why it's funny.

That's the funniest thing.

That's why it's funny.

It's a white person saying white people should go extinct.

No, but he can't understand the fact that, yeah, people agree with you.

There's racism.

Yeah.

There's plenty of racism.

You're a fucking laughingstock.

Yeah, I don't want to die.

That's my biggest problem.

I would go extinct under that.

This line's good.

Because of my tweet, I must be a cuckold or gay or both.

You geeker.

You brought the accent.

Someone's fucking your husband.

No matter what I am, they really want me to kill myself.

Oh.

Jesus.

Here's the thing, is like they are telling him to kill himself, but it's in the context of him saying white people should go extinct.

Speed it up.

Yeah, people are like, Can we start with you?

Yeah, that's funny.

Yeah.

Although I'm sure horrific parts of the internet did get a hold of that.

I don't know.

It's like Gavin McInnes.

Gavin McGinnis retweeted it, and that's one of the worst.

Yeah, so he spread it.

He's like, now it's the only tweet of mine being passed around exclusively by angry white supremacists.

So, and like, I love that through all of this, he's sort of kind of angry that he didn't go viral under his own terms.

Yeah.

Like, what he really wanted to go viral for for is like people being a woke.

Wow.

This white guy that wants to die.

What a fucking hero.

That's how he thought it would be.

You showed him.

Exclusively by angry white supremacists.

I refuse to refer to them as alt-right, as I see the entire right-wing world as one big, happy, exclusive family with some uncles and cousins and a little more vocal and honest than the others.

And also, by the way, Seth is an admitted former white supremacist.

I don't know if you're a family.

Yeah, yeah, I remember.

Yeah, I read that post.

Yeah, he had a post on Facebook like a year and a a half ago that was like, listen up, gang.

I used to be a white supremacist.

I read a bunch of racist literature.

My friend, yeah, he was a Nazi.

Seth was like an actual Nazi at one point.

Shut the fuck up.

The point of it was to say that you can change.

Yeah.

You can get what you can change.

Yeah, yeah.

That was like the point of the post.

Yeah, Seth, you know, a lot of us didn't have to go through that process.

You know?

No, I mean, that's crazy, though.

Was that real or was he like doing it up?

I mean, I think that is.

I think it's real.

You don't think it's real?

I know, I think it's real.

Because Seth was also in 2007, like a total libertarian.

And like, fuck, fuck you.

If you don't, if you can't make what switched him is the idea that he should get healthcare for free.

It was all about initially him getting shit for free, you know, about how he deserves things for free.

And that's what brought him over into being

a progressive.

And then also he has to be cool.

Like, he can't

be interpreted as being cool.

And Barack Obama was very cool to him.

So he had to like Barack Obama.

Young Barack Obama.

I'm all foreign.

The worst part about this is that I can't even tweet anymore.

I didn't really tweet that much beforehand, but now any time I log in, it's 50 more notifications from the past week.

Pure hatred.

Not to mention, X is still to this day using the character and retweeting shit with my actual face on it, which I wasn't.

I haven't fucking mentioned, like, done anything with that Dickfield shit since he had that fucking meltdown, because I felt bad.

Like, I have numerous times in the past 10 years that I've known Seth.

Like, feel felt bad when he says something moronic and shitty, like, specifically to elevate himself over people who hold the opinions that he had six months ago.

Yeah, that's why it's so subject to ridicule.

Yeah.

He's doing it as an elitist.

Right.

He's a fucking elitist prick, and I'll, like, make fun of him for, you know, framing something in the context of, here's me being better than somebody.

And suddenly, as soon as, like, he gets called out on that behavior, he's like, I'm a victim, everyone's hurting me.

This guy is such an asshole.

It's completely unprovoked.

And it's like, oh, was it provoked when you transcribed two paragraphs of that guy's personal conversation in that coffee shop, you know, to show everyone how much you love the feminist?

But he didn't know that guy's actual name.

I mean, yeah, sure.

And I understand what I'm saying.

You truly are bullying him.

Yeah, I am bullying him.

There's no way around that.

It's absolutely bullying.

Yeah.

But it's also like,

you know, I'm not wrong.

that is the thing if you are right it doesn't matter what the fuck yeah like especially you do not give a shit whatsoever and that's why we go back to the good words of Roger Rabbit only if it's funny only if it's funny yeah which it is funny and then he closes

broke Nick's brand yeah he closes by saying in other news I'm back in school I'm a college freshman I love it other than that all that Twitter shit I can safely say in general life is good so things are looking up for Seth.

And I'm happy.

I'm glad for him that he's in school.

Because, I mean, honestly, 15 years of stand-up comedy and you're still bombing it open, Mike.

Jesus Christ, Nick.

This is the Mullen special right here.

After just shitting on him for something that you like semi-seasoning on.

You semi-had a point, right?

Still mean, but you had a good.

Then you just took the gratuitous kick him while he's down fucking thing.

Yeah, congrats on college, you fucking.

Anyway, he's making his life better.

I'm like happy for him.

Good, man.

I'm happy for him.

See the expression on Nick's face, everyone.

He's actually sucking Adam's dick right now.

It's weird.

He's been talking with Adam's dick in his mouth the whole time.

Well, and that's the shitty part about all of it is like Seth is such a fucking great character, and he doesn't understand what makes him funny.

You know?

Like, people like thought the Dickfield thing was funny because it's just Seth.

I mean, he's a little heightened.

Yeah.

It's a version of Seth.

Yeah.

And if he could harness that, he could do great.

You know?

No, he can't.

Yeah, he can't.

He can't because he has no say in it.

That's why it's funny.

Yeah.

That's just who he is.

You know?

It's not a bit, you know.

The character is funny because it's a bit.

Because you're explaining,

and it's not only funny because of Seth.

It's funny because there are, especially with the election right now, a ton of people popping up

that are like, you know, self-destruct, self-described, woke.

I am woke.

Psychology.

Mark Buffalo had some awful tweet where I saw it.

What was it?

Getting woke to the trans experience.

Getting woke to the trans experience.

Yikes.

More like Mark Dick Dickfilo.

Dick Filo, you want to start Mark Dickfilo?

Yeah.

So

Seth on that thread got into like an argument with some guy.

Uh, here.

Uh, I had somebody say that's the thing I love about all this is people just immediately start sending me screen caps of like all this shit.

And so somebody comments.

You infiltrated his Facebook, dude.

Yeah.

I don't ask people to send me this shit.

Like, fucking immediately people start texting me and sending it to me.

But

wow, Nick, it's just so accidental.

What do you mean it's so accidental?

How would I know?

You block me on everything.

There's no reason.

I have like four different people that'll like, you know, text me when he's going off.

Sess back.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And he goes, so this is this guy that commented on that, and he's like, what he's saying is that he's not really back on Facebook to bellyache yet again.

Can't you tell?

I'm not trying to be a jerk here, Seth.

We only knew each other briefly in high school.

Oh, man.

We don't really know you that well.

I just have to say, you seem to get a joy out of complaining whenever you're on Facebook about anyone who doesn't lean 100% left in their thinking.

You make me want to check out this Nick Mullen guy's spoof of you at this point.

Again, not trying to be mean, but you're kind of pushy with your opinions.

After saying that, if you feel like unfriending me, then so be it.

And so Seth screen capped that and then posted it as another status.

And

instead of just commenting back.

Well, on the status, he writes, TFW, you know, that face win, you not trying to be a jerk, but you nailing it, though.

So it's like, hey,

so now you're using

A-A-V-E.

Now you're going full Wardell.

Yeah.

You got to be black when you own the guy.

Yeah.

And then that Seth eventually did block that guy.

Jesus.

And then that guy messaged me and he goes,

you don't know me, but I went to high school with Seth Cockfield and he just unfriended me because I called him out on some of his whiny, pushy, leftist bullshit.

Where can I check out this character you've created about him?

I would love a good laugh over this.

This is incredible.

Seth is getting us listeners.

I've never seen some man.

he's that's a hilarious getting owned by just a guy who barely knew you and he's like look man we don't really know each other I'm the closest to an objective observer here and I gotta say and he was even kind of like well let's talk about it yeah yeah and what's funny is Seth was even like I'm happy to talk about my I'm happy to talk about my tweet with you but not about your uh fucking objections to how I'm behaving I won't talk about that yeah no Seth is just like constantly stepping on rakes and having them smash in his face it was pretty funny that was really good oh Oh, yeah.

I mean, it's just, it's too fucking funny.

It's too perfect.

And I know, like, you guys are probably uncomfortable with, you know, having to bring that up.

But, like, look,

this is it.

I'm never going to fucking mention him again.

Seth, like, I'm sure somebody will tell you about this.

Like, it's done.

I wouldn't have said anything if you hadn't have posted nine paragraphs about it.

And

it's like.

I mean, Seth also has to know you.

He knows you.

He's known you for 10 years.

He had to know that that's like definitely going to get your peak your interest.

I mean, the guy messaging him was so good.

Yeah, yeah.

Like, even if no one was

keeping tabs on this for you, just one of his

friends blocking him, messaging you is hilarious.

I mean, it's gotta suck.

Somebody fucking making fun of you, and you can't control the, uh, you know, any of the narrative around it.

I would be pissed off if somebody had, like, but you know, I also think it would have been funny if somebody, like, did a fucking character based on me.

And nailed it so well.

And yeah, and they did it.

I'd be like, all right.

I did a character based on you once.

What was the name?

Dick.

I have a really good character.

It's called Dean Mullen, too.

No, no, I just.

Here's the thing.

We shit on Wardell all the time.

Ward L is fine.

Yeah, yeah.

He's our friend.

And you know what?

I was friends with Seth.

Me and him used to hang out.

But

you'd hang out with him.

He would constantly talk shit on people.

And then as soon as he found out anyone was criticizing him in any way, shape, or form, he'd have a fucking meltdown.

Like a literal meltdown, storming out and shit.

It was probably funny.

Whatever.

I don't care.

Guys, you really stepped on my really good character.

Oh, what's your character?

It's called Gay Christopher Walking.

Do it.

I'm gay.

That's good.

Thank you.

Yeah, that's good.

You know, the Sicilians are the best liars.

Two mice.

Two men.

Can I offer you to a vat of cream?

Two men.

And they fuck each other.

And it becomes button.

I've had this pleasurable gold watch shoved up my ass

until I come.

Your father forgot.

Oh, now I'm just doing a Jewish guy.

Yeah.

Your father forgot it in my head.

That is a hard character.

That's like the next level with impressions.

Like, if you can do an impression, but then, like, you know, so like, you know, everybody loves Robert De Niro, but one of me was deaf.

Dude, deaf Ramadan.

Hey, just refusing to

ham-fisted ass.

stare at

me.

Def Robin De Nero.

You talking to me?

Really?

I can't hear you.

So you're going to have to explain if you're talking to me or not.

I can't tell.

I'm even more deaf robber than you.

Seriously, are you talking to me?

Jesus Christ.

Siri.

Sirius.

Yeah.

Or, like, ooh, ooh, it's me, Robin Williams, but I'm.

You're still alive.

Yeah, I'm dead.

I don't know.

Woo!

Oh, woo!

I have so much hair on my knuckles.

Have you seen that dude's body hair,

Robin Williams?

Yeah, insane.

That's why he killed himself.

Yeah, that's true.

The nair bills were getting too high.

Yeah, he's just wearing a sweater just all year long.

So the West Indian Day parade is today, which shout out to any West Indian folks we got out there.

Of course, our big West Indian listener folks.

What's your favorite one?

My favorite West Indies?

Yeah.

Barbados.

Barbados, me too.

Yeah.

Because it's Rihanna.

Riri.

Yeah.

Guys, I don't know about you, but I would have sex with Rihanna.

I thought about it the other day.

I think I would.

I think I'd have sex with her.

Nick.

Yeah, I wouldn't.

Why?

I mean, because you guys already fucked her.

That's gross.

Yeah, I fucked her first.

Once you fuck a woman, she's ruined forever.

Yeah, yeah.

That's one fuck.

Each woman is good for one fuck.

And after that,

she said, no no good.

You got to kill him.

They go in the trash compactor.

That's episode.

That's where you put him.

Oh, we should talk about this Jazz Age Festival guy, because we were complaining about that.

What's going on?

The New York Times had some article about this asshole that lives in Red Hook.

Yeah, it's in the style section, I believe.

He runs this thing called the Jazz Age Festival on Governor's Island, which is fine.

You can like jazz or whatever, and maybe for your performance, you dress up like a 20s guy.

Yeah, yeah.

But it has to extend to everything for him.

Which, by the way, I feel like half the shit, like everything in the New York Times real estate blog, that's all trolling.

Oh, yeah.

That's not serious.

Because every one of those is like, my name, Kayla's parents only have a budget for her of $80 million a month for her perfect apartment.

So she's going to have to make some compromises.

Unfortunately, the toilet wasn't made out of pure crystal.

And sometimes she could hear taxis honking in the Fifth Avenue Palace that her parents bought for her while she takes classes at NYU on pretending she has it hard.

Oh, fuck.

I have to shop.

Oh, my God.

I have to shop.

Me and them were laughing about that one day.

I,

rich Fifth Avenue women that are like fucking exhausted from shopping all day.

I've had the worst time.

I have been shopping all day.

Oh, yeah.

And their names are.

We already did that job.

We talked about it.

Madison Square Garden and Chelsea Pierce.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And their Korean friend,

that's right.

Kim Park Sloan.

Oh, fuck.

What's he doing?

So this jazz thing is just like

being insufferable.

The article was about like this guy lives in 2016, but he's 1920s.

He's like, yeah, I'm 1920.

He's like, basically, I love the, you know, just everything about that era.

It's like the, you know, 1920s.

So he pulls his pants up too fucking high and doesn't wear socks and wears a thing.

No velcro.

Some shitty mustache or whatever.

And he's like, yeah, I don't even own a TV.

And then his girlfriend's like, yeah, we just watch movies on my laptop, which is like

even more new technology than the 1920s.

Yeah, but they only watch movies from the 20s, I'm sure.

Yes, which that's got to be so fucking entertaining.

You know, I tried watching, like, I got a list of, I wanted to work through and watch every movie that's ever won Best Picture.

Right.

And then I'm like looking at basically every movie before 1945 was like, you know, like some guy.

It's a German that tap dances.

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

We got to put on makeup and stare dramatically at each other to stop Hitler.

You could never even fuck.

Yeah, get that cat.

Get the fuck out of here, you cat piece of shit.

Don't throw up either.

Yeah.

I guess we should probably.

What?

I feel like that's

not a worthwhile pursuit.

What, why?

Every best pictures?

A lot of them are not.

Some of them are.

Movies weren't good until like 10 years.

Well, that's what's.

You got to find it.

Even best pictures aren't good.

Crash was the worst thing I've ever fucking said in my life.

That made me so upset.

Driving Miss Daisy.

It's not like that good of a movie.

That shit sucks.

Yeah, no, it's like.

Gladiator's the only good one.

It's ever my best picture.

It's my job.

Actually, I saw it recently.

Piece of shit.

No, I'm kidding.

Of course, it didn't deserve best picture, but it was fun to watch.

Gladiator wasn't bad.

It was my favorite movie at like 15.

Oh, really?

That's my favorite movie was I went with my dad.

When I was like 13, my favorite movie was Men of Honor.

Hell yeah.

Oh, the one with Scuba Diving.

Scuba.

Scuba.

Suba.

Scuba, Scuba.

Scuba, Scuba.

Scuba, Cuba.

I remember watching Boondock Saints when I was like 12 and being like, that was the best fucking thing I've ever seen.

I always hated Boondock Saints.

No, dude, it caught me beautifully.

Well, I hated Boondock Saints because I loved Goodfellas, and then someone was like, if you love Goodfellas, you'll love Boondock Saints.

And I watch it.

I'm like, this is stupid as shit.

Dude, I fucking loved it.

I was like, damn, they know every language.

Have you ever seen Overnight?

No.

The documentary about the guy that made Boondock Saints?

It's amazing.

Really?

He's this like egomaniac Boston fucking like bartender.

And he's like, yeah, I'm from Boston.

You know, I made I wrote a movie and I wrote it because it's fucking real.

You know, Boston style.

You know, and he's that was when they like they made a ton of those movies.

Well, yeah, so his initial script was like

it was got passed around Hollywood and people liked it a lot.

And I think it was like Miramax had it.

Like Harvey Weinstein had it, and he liked it personally.

And then they tried to get like De Niro in on it they tried to get all these big names but the guy who wrote it was such a difficult piece of shit to work with that he sabotaged like everything

and like eventually it got produced and then he took some shitty deal where he just got like a payout and like didn't make anything off distribution oh really so he ended up making like no money off the fucking tweet also it was supposed to come out on 9-11 oh wow and they like had to post yeah i haven't seen overnight in a while so i forget all the details but yeah that guy oh you're talking about overnight no you're talking about boondock saying something.

Overnight is a documentary about

the guy.

If he had just gotten a piece of poster revenue,

yeah, yeah, he fucking would have been rich as hell.

Oh, yeah, dorm room.

I feel like that just came with a dorm.

He didn't have anything.

Did you make any of that dorm room poster money?

It was either that or the Velvet Underground or like the fucking.

Bob Marley.

Yeah, Bob Marley.

I had a Rocky one.

Yeah, Rocky.

I had Rocky, dude.

That was cool as hell.

There was this dude in college that was like...

Okay, I can tell the story.

He's not listening to the podcast.

He

was like presented as this alpha male, like, you know, like, hey, fuck, get my dick sucked, or like, whatever.

Yeah.

He had, like, in his bedroom a six-foot poster of

Leonidas from the movie 300, just with, just wearing underpants and a cape, yeah, just rippling abs.

And, like, just huge pecs and, like,

Gerard Butler, whatever.

Of course, yeah, yeah.

And it's just, like, in his bedroom, he had this massive, like, six, like, to scale to buff guy, yeah, to scale.

and then his my friend his roommate one day went on his went on his laptop uh

to uh to check off to porn i guess damn and all of his searches are like

guy guy uh fucks guy but they're not gay

like two two straight guys fucking each other

guy fucks for the first time but other guy

and i think he's i don't think he's out of the closet i think he's really yeah, he's still living like

bro.

That's hilarious.

There's so many somebody had a bit in Baltimore about like all the not gay shit on Craigslist where it's just like half of the people are like, yeah, I'm a straight guy just looking to watch football and suck off some dudes.

And it's just like this fucking huge, you're on the gay hookup like alley of the internet.

You're on the like Craigslist.

I'm not gay though.

I just, you know.

And there's so many talk about being straight and just like

Ravens and sucking each other off.

That's probably part of it.

You remember that post that used to go around the internet about that guy who wanted to have a meetup where he's like, basically, I just want to recreate the sleepovers I had when I was like 12.

So he's like inviting other middle-aged men over to his house where they would play Super Nintendo and jack off with each other.

And then if one person sucks off another person, it's like no big deal.

You know, that guy's just hoping for it to become a big gay fucker.

He just needs plausible deniability.

The amount you could lie to yourself, dude, about what you like to beat off to.

Oh, for sure.

Years.

For years.

Yeah, that's why you got to beat off to everything.

Oh, yeah.

Every type of porn.

Well,

just to see how women feel, I watch gay porn every night.

Yeah.

The Arthur Chew Classic.

I had a weird gay sex dream last night.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Well, I was watching, you know, those fat motorcycle twins?

No.

The, I forget their name.

They did, they were professional wrestlers.

You know, that Simpsons episode where they have some trial, and like Lionel Hutz is like, I'm calling in surprise witness after surprise witness, and then they have those two fat twins on a motorcycle.

Oh, yeah.

I remember them from the Simpsons episode, but I remember.

There was like some cultural reference.

I always forget their name and their story.

One of them died, I think.

They weren't wrestlers or they were wrestlers?

They were involved in wrestling at a certain point.

I think they had the record for being the fattest twins.

But anyhow,

it was them

fucking each other.

And I witnessed that.

Wait, this is last night.

Yeah, witnessed

two fat motorcycle twins fuck each other in the ass.

One of them had a strap on, and the other one had a vagina.

So, and I think, okay, I got a story after you.

Well, I think it was because there was an article that was shared about FTMs.

Yeah, that the FTM,

like, man breastfeeding.

There was like a man.

That's happened a couple times.

And he has this giant hairy tit and there's a baby drinking off of it and it like

I mean yeah, that's where my transphobia kicks in right there.

I'm like, oh, this is funny.

I don't have any transphobia.

It's just like, you know, and then I think it's incredible.

It's a fucking

hair.

This is too much.

I see that and I'm like, come on.

It's not too much,

but my reaction to that is like, now can we laugh at it?

You know, like, yeah, right.

When

you get to a point where Adam.

You take amazing.

Like it's beautiful.

Shut the fuck up.

Fucking.

I just want to know

off your stance of

am I supposed to give up my seat to that on the train?

Do I need to get up out of my seat on the train to let that person sit down?

Yeah.

If they are like a construction worker.

You know,

I don't understand how I'm supposed to.

So I guess it was seeing that picture, and then that's what made me.

How many times has an F2M asked you to get up from your seat at all?

Every time I sit on the train, it's always these strange.

They're like, you're going to move, sir.

I'm also a man, but I have a pussy.

Yeah, I actually, I don't think I've given up my seat on the train maybe once ever.

I did

quite often.

Sometimes just a mother with like a bunch of kids.

Yeah.

I always fantasized about

people.

I feel worse for like mothers with like three kids.

Absolutely.

I have this fantasy in my head I'll do where like,

you know, like someone will ask me to get out of the seat and then

where I'm just like,

you know, I'll like be like, well,

yeah, that's fine, but just to let you know, I'm like a veteran.

I was like,

and I lie to them that I'm a veteran, and then people find out somehow, and then everyone on the train beats the shit out of me.

Steel Valley.

It's like, have a fantasy I have that I'm playing out of my head.

I'm trolling gone.

You just want your life.

You just want your life, your way of life to end.

You just want to be freed of this prison you've made for yourself.

Yeah, yeah.

Some guy,

some guy pretending to be a veteran on the train so he doesn't have to give up his seat to a pregnant woman and then people find out and beat him to death.

That's how I like it in my head.

That would be honestly, yeah.

If I heard that's the way you died, I would feel so happy for you.

Yeah, that's going out the way you would have won.

The mullen way, dude.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't know why I create those scenarios in my head.

That's beautiful, dude.

Yeah.

Like, no, you know, you think about it.

You're on the platform, and there'll be like

you know, like a disabled person, and you're like, what if I just pushed them on the tracks?

And you wouldn't do it, but it's

like Tourette's or whatever.

I'll never think of it with a disabled person.

Me neither.

I think it's not.

Or it's like if somebody, I think it was like Wall Street guy, like suit kind of.

I think you're just killing myself.

I think about it.

Yeah, killing myself.

Like, sometimes I'll fantasize about people pushing me on the tracks.

It's now a nervous tick of mine that I say, under my breath, I say, I don't know.

When people are fawning over like a baby, I just think about how funny it would be if they're just like wailed that baby in the face.

How people would be like, what the fuck is wrong with you?

And it's like, I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know why.

You could literally make a baby's head explode if you hit it hard enough.

Yeah, and it's like, I don't even want to punch the baby.

I just want everyone to be mad at me.

This is the most important thing.

That's the lightning fucking.

This is the most important thing.

That is the psychological profile of Nick right these last three minutes.

Yeah.

I just want everyone to be mad at me.

Listeners of Come Town.

Because if they're mad, they're lepe.

They care.

Listeners of Come Town.

This is a public service announcement.

Irony can ruin a brain.

Yeah,

it can break your

Yeah, another part of that dream I had, like a weird thing last night.

I had a dream I was at some like uh, like event, like there was like a

show or something, but then like the Joker showed up and he was like ruining everything.

Joker, yeah, the joker was switched one.

It was nebulous, so like a switch, but you just felt like it was.

Yeah, yeah, it was the joker, probably for the

cartoon, yeah.

Um, but then people responding to the joker being like, ooh, you're like a scary clown that's so edgy, or whatever.

And he was like,

shut up, yeah.

And he was was like, the Joker was getting like defensive about it.

So then people were reacting to the Joker as if it was someone that thought they were the Joker.

Interesting.

And then that was what was happening.

That was after the twins fucked each other with the strap-on.

Yeah.

One time I had a very weird.

I was fucking just like in my head a beautiful woman.

Like this was years ago.

This is when I was like 16 or 17.

And just like a beautiful, like hairless woman.

I was fucking her in the ass.

And then like I just turned around.

And then at some point, she just turned around and she had my friend Tommy's face on the head.

Like Tommy is the ugliest friend I've ever had.

Like Tommy is like hilariously bad.

You're in love with Tommy.

You know what I'm saying?

He's got this.

Yeah, he's.

He's got this weird skin tag on his ear that you just

got like...

Cuddle with him and suck on his skin tag.

He's got like this weird like clown hair.

Like, his hair looks like a shitty clown wig.

And it's not filled.

It was just one of the weirdest.

You just went to Greek Orthodox

church.

That's why you had to leave Greektown.

And that's, yeah, after that wet dream.

People found out about that dream.

What's Greek church like?

Break that shit down for me.

Greek church?

Yeah.

That shit lasts a nice long amount of time.

The costumes are.

Is it mostly hors d'oeuvres?

Yeah, yeah.

It's all fucking grape leaves.

They're like a hobby for you to dip their crack.

Dude, yeah, the costumes, they go off.

The priests have all this gold.

gold.

They look like shit.

I was an altar boy.

I was an altar boy.

You were.

Is that why you had that dream?

Is there a hell of a dream?

It was the dream.

The priest was in the back.

He was whispering it to me.

Are they celibate?

No, here's the thing.

Greek priests,

it's like if you want to go far, if you want to be like a bishop or some shit, you can't fuck.

But if you just want to be like a community priest, you have to fuck.

You have to get a wife.

So they fuck.

So Greek priests fuck.

So guess what's not an issue in the Greek church?

What if you want to go on to like stop fucking and be like a guy that's like, you know, I'm trying to get my life back together and not fucking.

Once you get married, you're donezo.

You can't become a bishop.

What is it?

Bishop, deacon, cardinal.

I think deacon's much lower.

Deacon's not even a priest.

Deacon, you're trying to become a priest.

Then there's like fucking bishops and then there's archbishops.

That's so complicated.

I have all of the military ones memorized.

Yeah, I don't fucking know.

There's one guy, there's one guy named Bartholomew that came through.

Lieutenant?

Yeah, private, private first class corporal

sergeant and then there's like first sergeant like gunner master sergeant gunnery sergeant I think gunnery sergeant

with guns no it's like that's a Marine Corps thing yeah I think so I just remember that from when I was when I went to fucking

I went to do a marine tour and I learned shit about them that I wasn't expecting to did you know that was weird as shit to go on that tour and like meet people who enlisted literally right after 9-11 Like that's what, that's who, that's who the like, and I was like, oh man.

And they're just like, there's just these hardened fucking vets who've seen everything.

They're fucked.

You can tell they're fucked up.

You can hear the young, don't respect them.

And then the young kids are not.

Don't get close to respecting

yourself close.

And then the younger ones are just like fucking kids who...

were too dumb to go to college.

You know, like, not like

half are just, and they haven't seen shit.

They're all

like 17, 18.

Oh, yeah, poor kids from like middle of nowhere.

Middle of nowhere, just like learning, fucking, learning.

My friend joined the Marines when we were like teenagers, and he grew up in a military family.

And I don't know, I feel kind of bad putting his shit out there.

So I knew him my whole life.

And his mom was a naval officer.

And then

his mom's roommate, quote unquote, was also a naval officer.

Yeah, so he had.

So that was Don't Ass Don't Tell Time?

Yeah, so he had like

just

dyke moms.

Yeah.

And naval officer lesbians.

Those are real lesbians.

That's as lesbians again.

And it's funny because I remember like bullying him about it when I was like six.

Yeah, yeah.

Like being like, your mom's a dyke.

And I'm like, well, how did I know that?

You know,

fucking.

The haircut.

You heard it enough.

Your dad said it.

It wasn't

worth that.

It was honestly probably from just watching Jerry Springer and shit.

The first time I heard lesbian dad.

That's because your dad's a bad dad.

You didn't hear indirectly bad dad.

How's your bad dad?

Let me watch television.

He was a good father.

Yeah, that's what being sick

home from school for me was Jerry Springer.

Yeah.

You catch Prices Right, then Springer.

My mom, I don't know if she's like,

she just, I didn't watch anything cool for a very long time.

Really?

My dad will let me watch whatever the fuck I wanted.

My parents used to take me to Rated R way before I was old enough.

I saw Conair when I was like six with my dad.

Did they make you beat off in the theater to nude scenes?

I remember.

Well, remember,

there's a prison bitch.

I was just asking.

I mean, there's a prison bitch character in Conair.

Like, the second the plane crashes, he's just like opening luggage,

putting on dresses and stuff.

And my dad just looks at me.

I was like, I don't know, maybe like nine or ten.

And he just looks at me and goes, that's a very sick man.

He's a very sick man.

That's not a very sick man.

Not the part about like the rapist.

or

the worst guy was the guy that liked to wear dresses, I guess.

He is worse.

Not the dude that had the Hannibal Elector face

thing on.

Who's the bad guy?

Who's like the ultra bad guy?

Buscemi.

John Malkovich.

John Malkovich.

Cyrus the Virus.

Cyrus the Virus.

That's such a good movie.

What a star-studded cast.

They destroy Vegas in it.

So dope.

Con Air is actually like...

And then there's other ones.

Like John Lithgow's in it.

And

yeah, isn't he?

Isn't he like the FBI guy?

Maybe.

Yeah, I think he is.

Yeah, it's Nick Cage, Danny Trejo, who Brandon just learned about.

Yeah, Buscemi.

Is Ving Reims in it?

Dude, it was so funny.

Just to shit on Brandon real quick.

We went to go get a sandwich.

Yeah.

And some guy was like, are you the dicks out for Harambe guy?

And it was like, yeah, yeah.

And then another guy outside of an event that Brandon was like hosting was like, are you the dicks out for Harambe guy?

And then Brandon was like, Oh, he tweeted, A million people have come up to me in New York asking me if I'm the digsafa rambe guy.

And I was like, Literally, it has been two people, you fucking idiot.

A million.

Yeah, he was like, People keep stopping me, New York.

And it's like, No, motherfucker.

Even if it was people did, even if it was a million people, what the fuck are you bragging about?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, a joke I stole from a bunch of other people that I said.

I think he made that one up, but

he was.

Brandon's never made anything up in his life.

Yeah, copy-paste, word down.

I had a friend in college.

He said it's not an iPhone, iPhone, or charger.

His logo should just be Control-C, Control-V.

Yeah, Control-C, Control V.

On the WorldStar comments section.

I had a nice time with Brandon.

It was nice to see him.

We went to some stupid shit, some VMA pre-party thing.

Oh, yeah, dude.

I ate a weed edible that was 25 milligrams thc and then we like stepped outside and i was in manhattan like

as high as maybe i was in like set like like ninth grade you know that kind of high and i was just like looking at the buildings i was like this is fucking more door man we're in more doorman i gotta get out of here i hate i did not like any of that mtv because it's like i went to like an mtv party with him after the thing and it was just like this is just an office party but everyone works at mtv oh yeah so she's like just as boring as being in an office party where you don't know anyone, but it's like everyone also thinks they're cool.

If you, you know what I mean?

The thing I went to had like an MC for that was like, he's like a MTV personality, Brandon told me, and he's just like on stage.

He's like, it was so embarrassing.

It was like the one camp counselor that was trying to be the cool counselor.

He's like making announcements.

He's like, yo, I see y'all.

It's like this, you know, this white, like, pretty boy rapper, dude.

He's like, I see y'all taking pictures.

I see y'all on that Snapchat.

Make sure you use the VMA, Taco Bell, Live Moss, Geo Filter.

Anytime you check on me.

And people are just like clapping.

And I'm like, oh, God.

This guy's life.

He probably wants to kill himself.

Nah, he loves it, dude.

I worked in Jimmy John's for four hours one time.

Yeah, yeah.

And the manager I had to report to was like two years younger than me and just like a fucking loser or whatever.

And I like stopped going there because he interrupted me while I was rolling up a sandwich or whatever.

And I've worked at a billion fucking sandwich

short-order grill jobs or whatever.

So I'm rolling up a sandwich and I started rolling it in the deli paper from the corner.

And then you fold like a burrito.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I get about halfway through, and he like puts his hand on the sandwich as I'm rolling it.

And he's like,

You did what I like to call Subway rap, and we actually do it different here.

And I was like, peace, see you later.

I'm going to work with you.

You're going to micromanage

Like, who's what customer is going to fucking open their bag and be like, oh, I can't wait to eat the...

What the fuck?

What the fuck is this?

Why is it rolled like this?

I didn't go to Subway.

I went to Jimmy John's where they got fun shit on the wall.

It's so funny how people think.

I mean, that is an example.

No one matters, but that guy couldn't matter less.

Oh, yeah.

Nobody does.

He couldn't matter less.

He was my friend's roommate, and I went to hang out at their house one time.

And then I saw him.

After you left Jimmy Johnson.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I saw him.

Yeah, the manager.

And I saw him come out of the room.

But

I work hard.

I play hard.

Like him off the clock.

And he's got this shitty, stupid silk shirt on and like shitty sunglasses.

And he's like smoking a bowl, thinking he's so cool.

And it's like, you're the least cool dude in this fucking house.

Yeah, dude.

Everyone hates you.

Everyone hates Jimmy Johns.

Jimmy Johnson sucks.

Don't they make their workers sign non-compete clauses?

Wait, they can't do sandwiches every day.

I swear to God, yeah,

that was like a big thing.

They pay like shit.

Yeah, of course.

The guy kills exotic animals, Jimmy John.

He's one of those guys.

He's one of those dudes that goes and kills giraffes.

I was trying to do a bit about Firehouse Subs for a while, which is like a real regional thing.

I think, yeah, they're only in the D.C.

area.

I think Virginia and D.C.

I think it's starting in Virginia.

But like, they're commercial.

That's why.

Well, it's also not a particularly funny bit, but I love the ads for Firehouse Subs are like

we're firefighters and we got tired of eating subs we didn't like.

So we started our own place.

And it's like, yeah, that doesn't give you any credibility when it comes to making sandwiches.

Firefighters aren't known for their sandwiches.

Yeah, you're just trying to cash in on the fact that you're generally sympathetic.

Yeah, yeah.

Which is so funny.

Well, it's like, why are you so busy?

The bit was, why are you so busy making it?

Is that why we lost both of the towers?

Because you were busy fucking around with meatballs.

get in those towers

put the fucking sandwich knife down

that's a good bit yeah i do love and it was great when it would tank and then i was like oh it's because it's a 9-11 joke and then people are like what the fuck is firehouse subs yeah it's hilarious you were just being mean yeah

i love firefighter is a great like if you're a racist yeah just be a firefighter Yeah.

Instead of a cop.

Or just be a racist.

And do whatever you want.

No, don't be.

That's what I mean.

If you were a racist, though.

What do you mean, though?

Like, in terms of feeder occupations for racist, like blue-collar racist.

You could be a racist computer programmer.

Your boss coming, like, ah, Jeremy,

you know, great work, but why are all of your variable names

just slurs?

I don't know anything about programming.

I just...

Context clues laughed at that joke.

Yeah, yeah.

Thanks, guys.

No worries.

Well, Adam didn't.

Adam's a rule.

Adam's not even pulling the microphone to his face anymore.

What do you mean?

Well, I know, man.

It's been 50 years ago.

Sorry, I didn't didn't laugh at the race of this computer broker.

It's fucking better, dude.

Dude, are you a sleepy boy?

You've been very woke this podcast.

I'm going to be honest with you.

Listen.

And I don't like it.

I don't like it at all.

Say something offensive right now.

Yeah, say it.

Right now.

Bitch.

Say rape is good.

Say something offensive.

Show that rape stuff you were saying.

Tell the story.

No, I'm not going to tell that.

All right, don't tell it.

Damn, in the context of what we were just talking about, that's hilarious.

You have to say something offensive, though, for real.

Right now, I don't.

I don't like identical twins.

I don't trust them.

Okay.

That's right?

That's just more of a.

I think fraternal twins are worse because there's one of them that clearly got fucked up.

The fucked up genes.

Really?

Yeah, there's always one that's got red hair and can't dance or sing.

I feel like if I had an identical twin.

No, fraternal twins are just like

they're not.

If I had an identical twin, I would be 69 from the age of 13 to 17.

Pretty much every time.

Donald Trump's sons look like fraternal twins.

They do, but they're different ages.

I see right now.

Yeah.

I mean, they're

usually separate births.

One of his sons just has the softest fucking chin on Earth.

Eric?

I think so, yeah.

One of them.

I can't remember who.

No, no, no.

The other one.

I can't remember if it's Eric or Brambo.

No.

Oh, yeah, Donald Trump.

Brambo and Eric and Goose Step.

Those are his sons' names.

No, one of them looks exactly like Odo from Deep Space Nine.

I don't remember what Odo looks like.

He just doesn't have eyebrows, and he's like a, he can like change shape.

He's like a shape-shifter, but he didn't grow up with a family or whatever.

So his natural, you know, it's funny.

He just sleeps in a bucket on the show.

He just turns back into a puddle of cum.

And like,

so, like, at the end of the day, he goes back in his room and just like splash.

De Space Nine was the black captain.

Dick Snack and 9, yeah.

Deep Space Nine, Black Captain, Cisco.

Cisco, Ben Cisco.

Yeah.

And then I saw the other day Voyager, and that's the Hillary Clinton one.

That's the Hillary Clinton one.

Oh, that woman is so hot.

The woman.

Yeah.

We've talked about some big-ass titties.

Yeah, yeah.

And I wanted.

What, Janeway?

Doesn't one of them have big-ass titties?

The rope, the Borg, Seven of Nine has bigger.

Yeah, she's so hot.

Fuck.

Yeah, which is funny because they didn't have a sexy lady character from the get-go on Voyager.

They had like a female captain, and then I don't know the internal politics or what happened, but they added seven of nine in like season six or seven because they're like, all right, we gotta have a character that's just a hot moment for nerds to beat off to, and that's when she got added to the show.

Oh, nice.

Because they were like, you know, let's not do the fucking

like on, like, Deanna Troy on

Enterprise.

Like, she's just,

which is the dumbest fucking character.

I love her.

Her job was she was an empath

so she could understand people's feelings,

which is an alien, by the way.

It's not even a fucking human to explain it to the autistic fucking retards that watch Star Trek how empathy works.

Like, whoa, there's certain aliens that understand how other people are feeling.

I feel like that's oh, that's interesting.

I never

was autistic.

Yeah, pretty much.

Yeah, yeah, that's interesting.

Everything's uh, very interesting, everything's logical, just autistic, yeah.

This is not logical, yeah,

not very logical.

Yeah.

Women owe me sex.

Those shows are great.

This is an episode of

Star Trek that we watched when I was taking French in middle school.

Oh, Picard, French, obviously.

Wow.

Jean-Luc Begald.

Yeah, that's the only reason we watched it.

It was a regular.

Jean-Luc Begald?

Nah, there's an episode

where they meet this alien race, and like that.

So they have these.

The original series?

No, Next Generation.

TNG.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So the reason they can understand all the aliens, it's like they just have some computer that translates, like, can pick up, it understands like syntax,

and it immediately translates.

So they meet this race that it doesn't translate for and only partially translates because the way they communicate is by like

telling somebody a story or like reminding them of a story and then whatever happened in that story fits the situation.

So this guy's trying to communicate with

Shaka when the walls fell.

That might be the name of the episode or whatever.

And he's like,

you know, Dalmock at Tenagra.

And he just says shit like that.

And like, Picard, the whole time, is like, yes, but what does it mean?

And I was like laughing with people on Twitter a couple months ago.

Like, instead of like the stories, the aliens are just being like, the pussy, the asshole in the vagina.

And Picard being like, yes, but what does it mean?

The asshole.

The woman's asshole and pussy.

What is that?

Some kind of warning?

Fuck.

The woman's asshole and vagina.

The pussy entrance.

What is he trying to say?

It wouldn't be hard to add it together.

That would be so stupid.

Yeah, you could do that.

Yeah, so you just need a guy saying pussy asshole.

What do we got to close on?

What's happened recently?

I haven't left my house.

I bought a TV.

Yeah,

Nick's riches shut in for a few minutes.

I've been a few weeks.

I've been working on that show, so I haven't really had time to go out.

What did you miss?

Nothing, dude.

Nothing really.

Oh, we have a show.

Yes.

Next Sunday.

Did we finish booking it?

Yeah, we're done.

Kurt.

Yeah, I got Kurt.

Hell yeah, dude.

That's a great show.

Oh, yeah.

Kurt Mesker is going to be on the show.

Dan Soder, Kurt Mesker, Anna Febrega.

You know, three alt super.

All right, Fabrega.

Yeah, and it sounded like Fabrigia.

Fabrigia.

Fabroge.

Febrigiani.

I think that's enough.

We can let them do a little bit more time.

We'll let them do 12.

Are we planning the show on the podcast right now?

Anyway, guys,

on 9-11, September 11th, 11-9, if you're from Europe,

we're having a show.

Back at come on, everybody.

Thank you so much for everyone that came up.

They didn't call it 11-9 elsewhere.

Do they call it 11-9?

No, they call it 9-11.

But we get to name it because it's it's our thing.

You know, like when there's a war somewhere else, we get to name it because we're America.

I think they call it the 11th of September.

Yeah, that's what they call it in Greece.

Yeah.

Well, we've got to put a fucking stop to that.

Yeah,

it's offensive.

Yeah, it's absolutely offensive.

It's offensive.

They don't get to decide what our shit's called.

Dude, I agree.

Fuck him.

Does Trump know about this?

I don't think he does.

We so much love it.

We're going to stop it.

I do love.

They're going to call it 9-11 like normal people.

I love how the fuck he's trying to get black people to just vote for him.

That's so awesome.

That's right.

I love it.

Hey, what do you got to lose?

Everyone was like mad about

the writers' room.

They're like, can you believe he said that?

And it's like, one, yes.

Two, like, for Trump, that's not a bad argument.

You know, like, try it out.

You know, see if you like it.

Yeah.

That's kind of reasonable.

I mean, he's not going to

be like, yeah, I'm racist, but maybe you could be racist too against yourself.

You know, like,

what's he going to say?

Like, of course, you know, what do you have to lose?

Just

so funny.

Just going to black churches.

Yeah.

Like, just completely.

And just, I always love when they get just an insane person to be like, I'm a conservative black guy.

I love those guys on Fox News.

Yeah.

Well, he has that one pastor guy

whose throat hurts.

He always has a sore throat.

Yeah.

And he just shouts at it.

We should get a conservative black guy for the podcast that we have on all the time.

Do you want to?

We could get the ghost of Petrus.

Yeah.

And then we get a conservative black guy that agrees with everything I say about Seth.

Check.

Really put Seth in a bind.

I can't disagree with the black guy.

He's demanding to use the N-word.

I told him to stop.

That's my favorite thing in the world.

We were saying this yesterday.

Demanding.

White people asking black people not to use the N-word so much.

Oh, my God.

It is the best thing in the world.

Yeah.

And then, could you also just not use the water fountain either?

It defends me.

Well, they used to drown people like you, so I'm a little bit worried about you using the water fountain and then also the bathroom just in case.

Oh, fuck.

Well, yeah, so come out to our 11th of September show.

11th of September at 9 p.m.

Come on, everybody on Franklin off the G-Train, Klassen stop in Brooklyn.

It was really great last time.

It was really good, guys.

I'm not saying that just to brag.

And we really appreciate all the cumboys that came through

and come people, really.

No, cumboy is not a gendered term.

Yeah, just a cumboy, you could be a girl, comeboy.

Everyone can be a cumboy.

Give us money, please.

And yeah, give us some fucking...

Give us some stuff.

Well, we got to set up.

We're going to start doing premium content.

We're going to do like an extra episode or something.

Yes.

Yeah.

And if you want to do that shit, you got to pay extra, bitch.

We'll figure it out.

We're going to start doing two episodes.

And then we'll put one episode behind the paywall.

We're going to go to Sunset Park right now and get

the most fire.

Yeah, so if you're listening live,

come hang out.

No, I don't want to.

I want to get some barbecue.

What are you patient with?

I ate so much.

Whoa.

Whoa.

Where's the barbecue?

One of the vine with death.

You can't.

What is it?

No, dude, Down Syndrome.

You're out of order.

Down syndrome, but you know, you're on the order.

It's just awesome.

The whole damn title.

Hoorah doesn't change.

Oh, we were singing on the way over here.

Down Easter Alexa by Springsteen is by no, Billy Joel.

Billy Joel,

Jewish Elvis.

Well, I'm on the Down Syndrome, Alexa.

Then my hands are up on her tits, whatever.

You change it, but then you put in the tell,

and they say she's slow, but them titties ain't retarded.

What a great joke.

Yeah,

man.

I changing all those.

I had

everyone at the office,

I got them with the, well, I'm the kind of guy that fucks his mom and dad.

That's perfect.

I was making the rounds.

That might be the best one you've done.

My favorite one is Dad, Dad, fuck my dad.

I fuck my dad.

Dad, dead, fuck my dad.

Fuck my dad, I fuck my dad.

Fuck my dad, I fuck my dad.

My dad, I fuck my dad.

Yeah, no, that one's a good one.

That's great.

I think that's a good way to close, boys.

Yeah.

Oh, no.

The other Down Easter Alexa one was,

well, I'm busting inside the vagina.

Which doesn't really fit, but that would have been stuck in my head for a week.

So

I was kind of hoping the cat would throw up her shit again because it was such a great way to end the podcast.

Yeah, I don't want to see that ever get out of life.

I guess not.

When that cat threw up, I was like, I'm screaming, fam.

Yeah.

Oh, oh,

oh, oh, oh, wait, wait, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, wait.

That's Brandon, famous comedian Brandon Wardell.

Whoa,

personality.

Yeah.

All right.

We got to go.

Bye.

Bye, guys.

What do you think?

Should we put the kids on the floor?

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Suffs!

The new musical has made Tony award-winning history on Broadway.

We the man to be home!

Winner, best score!

We the man to be seen!

Winner, best book!

We the man to be quality!

It's a theatrical masterpiece that's thrilling, inspiring, dazzlingly entertaining, and unquestionably the most emotionally stirring musical this season.

Suffs!

Playing the Orpheum Theater, October 22nd through November 9th.

Tickets at BroadwaySF.com.