Ep. 16 – Back In Business

Welcome to Come Town, you fucking pieces of shit.

This is Come Town, what number?

14

Anybody?

It's either 15 or 16, I think.

Okay, Come Town, either 15 or 16.

Sorry for the delay.

We were recording an hour of rape-specific podcasts every day, and they all got deleted.

We were talking in the car.

Whoa!

Whoa, I wasn't introduced yet.

Fuck, fuck.

Sorry, guys.

We have a very special guest.

We're here with the Comeboys.

Nick, of course, Adam.

And we have Twitter personality.

Shut the fuck up, Stop Rubber.

And professional Snapchatter.

We have DJ Brandon.

We have one of my

favorite DJs.

He's up there.

DJ Snake.

I only know three DJs, and two of them cuckholded me.

So

Brandon's number one together.

Is Tiesto still a guy?

Tiesto?

Yeah, Tiesto cucked you.

I love DJ DJ Tiesto because his name always sounds like one of those off-brand Korean knock-off televisions.

Like they made toasters for 50 years.

I got it.

And then suddenly it's like, you got a Tiesto laptop?

I got cucked in Ibiza to show Avici.

I was cool.

You would probably get cucked in Ibiza by Avici.

Down.

Yes, our boy Brandy's.

I do it for the content.

Of course, Avici, that guy's, his name looks like Roman numerals.

Yeah.

That's a good take.

Yeah.

That is good for you.

Keep throwing out DJs.

I'll do a bit of a.

Diplo.

Diplo.

Shove that in your ass.

That's a thing you stay inside your body.

Hey, Nick, how do you feel about Skrillax?

Skrillax?

That sounds like

a version of Scrabble if you're an even bigger nerd.

Yeah, just

shit.

DJ Mouse.

What's his name?

Dead Mouse.

Dead Mouth High.

Dead Mouth High.

That's how those books about the Holocaust should have ended.

Yeah, yeah.

With the guy dying.

The Mouse.

Wait, the book should have ended?

The joke is that they should have gotten the Mouse rather than the Mouse Lives.

Oh, I see.

And my alternate director's cut version of

Mouse.

Those are great.

Those are really good.

The only comic books I've ever read, Mouse and Spawn.

Very similar themes.

They're doing all the comic books.

One's about a guy that went to hell, and the other one's about a guy that should go to hell.

Take that, you fucking heebs.

Yeah.

They're gonna, I mean, they're gonna run out of comic books and need to make the mouse.

They're gonna make an all-girl Holocaust.

Yeah, yeah.

Mini Mouse.

Girl Hitler.

Saw Minnie Mouses.

I have one of the Holocaust.

And then Leslie Jones, who's

a balloo version of Leslie Jones.

Leslie Jones Balloo helping the rest of the Minnie Mountains.

Jesus Christ.

Jesus.

So I wish she would change her bio.

What's her bio?

I'm M.A.

Stand-Up Comedian.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Respect.

Respect for keeping typo in.

I'm a stand-up comedian, and I just feel like during the harassment, I feel like she should have maybe changed the bio.

Yeah, you're right, Brandon.

She was asking for it by having a typo blame.

Oh, the victim blamer.

Brandon, the victim blamer.

Have you heard any of your folks?

What's wrong with her putting the I'm a stand-up comedian?

No, I'm M.

Oh, I'm a typo.

Yeah, like she just has, like, she's had a typo, typo bio for a while.

All right.

Well, I guess she does deserve it then.

I mean,

we get it.

You think she deserves it.

It's fine, dude.

By the way, Brandon, why were you saying the N-word so much in the car over here?

Yeah, here.

It was really fucked up.

Brandon, why does your car have a vanity plate that's just the N-word?

With an extra R on the end.

So nobody knows that you're serious.

It's an extra capital.

Five R's.

You know what I'm saying?

So hard.

Didn't we make the joke about rolling it last year?

Yeah, that's a great joke.

Did you roll it on.

Did you roll it on?

I can't roll Rs.

I don't know how to roll R's.

Can you try?

Can you try to say with a...

Actually, why don't you roll the R.

Why don't you do it?

Why don't you teach me?

You're the guest.

I know.

I need you to teach me.

I have tried on previous podcasts and I can't do it.

So that's why we have you here to show me how to do it.

The whole goal of this podcast is to get you to say the N-word.

Specifically means you, yeah.

It would come just to ruin your career.

Well, that's the thing we do with guests is everyone has to say the N-word when they come on the podcast.

Yeah, you've listened.

To ruin his career or to take his career to the next level?

We'll see.

What do you think it would do if you said the N-word on this podcast?

Yeah, I think it would.

I don't think it would

help after

I accidentally got credit for

the Matt Reif stuff, for when people started, like, other people started exposing

him for saying that.

Brandon, I'm out of you.

D-Ray was like, D-Ray added me like, Brandon, very good job.

Very good job exposing this man.

What did I literally?

All that the mayor of Baltimore.

I just imagine him delicately eating Doritos

while tweeting.

Listening to Spotify.

Yeah.

Good job, Brandon.

Eating it.

Remember when he posted the Black Whopper thing?

It was hilarious, dude.

He posted an absolute black whopper.

My man's a shill.

Oh, so when that happened, like, literally all that happened is I posted a tweet where I was like, look at this dumbass, like, Instagram with Kyle Massey, where he used, like, a bunch of dumb hashtags.

And then I, like, posted another tweet where I was, like, making fun of, like, more Instagram pictures.

And he's essentially just like, I told you, like, we were talking about it on the phone, and I was like, he's like me if I never discovered irony.

Yeah, oh, yeah.

He's just hot you.

So, like,

he's like Brandon.

He's so cute.

Hot bat.

For the people that don't know.

He's not fun, but Matt Reif is this Mayo-ass cracker

cry-laughing emoji white boy fan.

Can you get a clap back for Matt Reif?

Oh, no.

This podcast is pro not supporting Brandon and pro Matt Rife.

Yeah.

Nick said his.

His DJ Khaled bit was good.

Yeah, that was wild.

I think it's okay.

It's an okay bit.

Shut up.

No wrong.

But it's like, that's the kind of that joke works.

It fucking works.

It works at

the end.

He's wilding out.

Oh, boy.

Oh, but yeah, so I was just like making fun of like a guy being corny on Instagram, and then he tried to fight me in the valley.

Hilarious.

Which was like hilarious.

So good.

But then other people started like exposing him, like just searching when he was like 30 years ago.

Searching words

and then like from his account.

Yeah.

And so like all these people started posting that and then Complex wrote an article that just like basically credited it credited it to me.

Like they were like Brandon Wordell expose

you're an old tweet exposer and then and then a bunch of like

a bunch of like literally retarded

literally gay and retarded

in the logo.

It's It's a complex, literally retarded.

So then, like,

a bunch of like popping feminists were like

in my DMs being like, great job exposing this man.

And I was like, ah, yes, thank you.

I definitely

meant to do that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I wasn't just making fun of a corny guy.

I know, yeah.

Which is crazy that feminists DM'd you because like on the car right over here, you were saying how you think the wage gap is good.

Oh, yeah.

I remember what I was saying that.

Yeah, I said we should actually increase it.

We should probably increase it.

That is true.

Yeah, I mean, I think

by the way, women, more money.

For sure, we should pay women more money, but we should also then pay men even more money.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, just more money.

Just to reiterate, though, that was not a joke from Brandon Wardell, everyone.

He actually thinks we should increase the wage gap.

Anyway, let's keep talking, guys.

Oh, boy.

So, did you fight Matt Reif?

Oh, yeah.

I wish you would have gotten fighting.

I've seen him in the middle of the house.

I don't have a car.

He wanted to fight in North Hollywood.

I live on the east side.

I'm not going to pay for it.

I'm not going to pay for this.

Listen to this motherfucker.

I'm not going to pay for it.

Claiming transportation.

I'm not going to pay for this Looper to get beat up.

He didn't fight him.

That guy would have wrecked your ass.

There's a picture where it's like three dudes in the background.

Yeah, well, no, you just see just a sliver of an arm of his black friend.

Yeah.

This is my man, Justin Case.

Because he's here, Justin Case.

But if that guy comes to your house, you're not fighting him.

Why would he come to my house?

Are you going to see him at the Laugh Factory?

I've never been to the Laugh Factory in my fucking life.

But that's where they make the laughs.

Yeah, true.

I love that.

You got to go

straight to the source.

The Baltimore Comedy Factory.

They're like, what do we name our club?

They're like,

how close can we get to Laugh Factory?

Before it's copyright infringement.

That place sucks, dude.

Yeah, it's the MProv.

It's E-M-P-R-O-B.

They're in a fucking travel plaza at a Greyhound bus station.

That's the funniest shit in the world because that's where that shithole Chinatown bus drops you off.

Like when I went to do Magoobi's or some one-nighter, it let me off at that hotel.

There's a sign that's like, here's the comedy factory.

And I was like, what the fuck?

Yeah.

And then I went in there.

I'm like,

did they open a second club in the lobby?

They're like, no, this is the club now.

I was like, okay.

It's just a shitty, it's like a fucking some very shitty hotel.

Yeah.

It used to be like a dinner theater.

There used to be shitty versions of like Greece.

It's like right by your house.

Yeah, very close to Greece Town.

But yeah, it's fucking, it's a horrific spot.

And Alabama is there, and he's a hack, and he

like he's like the house

feature.

Yeah, comedian Alabama.

Who got motorboated by Tim Haeckel?

Tim Haeckel.

One of the best, again, Tim Haeckel.

Shouts Shouts out to the best.

Legends.

Yeah.

Where is he?

In Baltimore, soon?

No, he's in.

He's in the Carolinas.

The Beach Bit is my favorite Santa Comedy bit I've ever heard.

You weren't there for that, though.

You've just told me about it.

He just went on stage one time.

I don't think it was a bit.

This is the thing.

Tim can't come up with bits.

He's just so funny.

He's just so funny.

So he'll go on stage.

He'll be like, all right, I'll be funny for a minute, and then I'll start doing material.

And I'll crush.

And then he starts doing jokes.

And he's like, oh,

they got macaroni and cheese.

What if it was like,

you know, I don't know, what if it was syrup instead of

cheese?

You know, you guys can't think.

He had a good super S bit, and it ended with like fingering uh being a six-year-old that's fingering another six-year-old, which I'm all for.

Yeah, getting fingered in a cubby or something.

It was pretty funny.

Yeah, he's he's ridiculous, but yeah, he just went on stage one time.

He's like, what up?

What the fuck is up, dude?

I am a straight-up beach bum.

Okay, I fucking am a beach bum.

I love the beach.

Ocean City, where's the beer funnel at?

Go hang out with my bros.

Rehoboth, gay it up.

I'll suck a dude's dick.

People are giving him a bunch of people.

He's just listing beaches.

He's just listing beaches and then getting hyped about beaches.

Regional mid-Atlantic beaches.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It sounds like mid-Atlantic beach Brody Stevens.

Actually, kind of similar.

He's got a couple vibes.

He's got a couple Brody vibes.

But yeah.

What the fuck are we talking about?

Rehoboth, go get gay on the beach.

Yeah.

I love that game.

Gay it up.

Gay.

Gay it up.

I'll suck a dick.

Rehoboth.

If you guys don't know, Rehoboth is a beach notoriously homosexual in Delaware.

Delaware, right?

That's where Delaware goes to get gay.

What is it?

Ocean Parkway in Ocean City?

Like that main, the main road.

You just drive up, and then once you cross, like, I don't know, 110th Street or whatever it is.

You're in Delaware.

You're in Rehoboth.

Yeah, I don't fucking know.

We went there once.

I think I told this story already.

We went there once when I was a little kid.

and everyone thought the European, like our friends from Germany, these Greeks in Germany, were wearing speedos, and everyone's like, they're gay.

That's the whole story.

What about you guys?

Do you guys know any?

Let me tell that.

So,

anyway, we went to Rehoboth Beach once when I was young,

and we went with some friends from Europe, and they were wearing speedos, and everyone assumed they were gay.

Well, it attaches, the speedos attached to your foreskin.

Yeah, exactly.

It was just they wrapped, they tied a speedo around their dicks.

That's been a bow.

I don't think I've ever been to Rehobas.

It's nice, dude.

We should go.

How long is that?

Ocean City.

How long?

What do you mean?

Like, if you stretched it.

Like 13 and a half inches.

Yeah, like a small.

Yeah, on the small side, they run 13.

Yeah.

Mine's about 17.

Oh, I forgot that you're not going to be able to get it.

Oh, yeah.

Saw I've got a foreskin.

You know, I'm fucking O-Nat.

I'm going to start

measuring my dick in picas.

In what?

In pikas.

Is that a unit?

What is that?

There's some like other standard measurement.

Yeah that's like

that's like six tenths of an inch or some shit.

Oh really?

Interesting.

Yeah, I forget what it is.

I'd be off-brand if I had a if I had an uncircumcised dick.

Well, everyone knows you have a half-circumcised dick.

Yeah, your dick's half-circumcised.

Yeah.

My dick basically is.

Why do you think that would be off-brand, dude?

Because I'm like

a little twink.

Oh, that's true.

Dude, you're not allowed to have?

No, like,

it wouldn't make sense for my look.

You're right.

It's cleaner to have a cut dick.

Yeah.

I like to be a little sloppy around the edges.

You know what I mean?

That's apparent.

You have an uncircumcised body.

I would love to get my body circumcised.

I want to get...

I want to get that surgery that Asian people get to make their eyes look not Chinese.

Yeah, the fold surgery.

Yeah, yeah, but I want it so I look extra not Chinese.

Is your eyeballs out of your skull?

Yeah,

just wide open at all times.

End of Roger Rabbit.

People are like, you look so not Chinese.

I'm like, oh my God, thank you.

I just got the procedure done.

If you could get any plastic surgery, what would you get?

If you had to get one procedure.

Rhinoplasty, obviously.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Get that.

Jesus Christ.

Oh, my God.

Look at this thing.

It's getting bigger, too.

I feel like that's

a big part of who you are.

Yeah, I know.

I kind of like it.

Have you ever fucked with your nose?

Have I ever fucked with you?

Do you ever put your nose in a pussy?

Yes, of course.

Of course.

Why not?

Yeah.

But I mean, like, really, a couple pumps.

Fully.

Yeah, yeah.

Do you think classic.

Ever since I heard butt licking is acceptable.

Yeah, of course.

So from behind?

Do you?

How often do you eat ass?

If she won't, it won't it.

And if it doesn't smell bad, yeah, right.

I'll do it.

She's like, give it a couple swipes.

Or not even.

She doesn't even have to just take a shit.

One time I was listening to the Dan Savage podcast, like, this is like five years ago.

And he gets this call for like this, you could tell, just like thin mustache, old gay man with a cravat, you know, just one of those

mustaches over the phone.

Yeah, yeah, and he's just rubbing against the speaker.

Hi, Dan.

Every time I lick my boyfriend's asshole,

I smell a little bit of shit.

And I feel like it gets me a little bit high.

He's like, is that a thing?

Is that like a sex thing?

High.

High.

He feels like he gets like a little high from

Jankum, dude.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Africa's chief export.

Jankum.

Yeah, yeah.

African went to the Olympics for Jankum.

It's the only thing they do there.

I'm going to tell all the teens that follow me to do Jankum.

They're doing that in Florida, I heard.

Do you remember that news story that'll always pop up?

Like, yo, in Florida, kids smell poo.

Like, every six months, there's one.

What did uh, what did uh Brandon has to tweet every 15 minutes, by the way, where he has a photo?

Yes, yeah.

Uh, it's like speed, it's like the movie Speed.

Yeah.

Um, he sets alarms every 15 minutes in his sleep.

He wakes up and wakes up and he's just like, uh, uh, uh, Arthur Me uh Harabi.

Arthur Arthur Mima.

Do you think?

Sappy chat, uh, uh, Harabi.

Do you think you could get, how easy would it be to get it?

Should we just make a Brandon Wardell algorithm and tweet from it?

I tweet from his account.

Whenever he stays with me,

and he leaves his laptop, he leaves his laptop in my apartment.

I'll just like tweet from his account, and he'll get like 150 likes.

Oh, yeah, you just say you were like, I was just like,

yeah,

I don't want a GF.

I want to fuck a fuck Pikachu or something.

that.

Yeah.

Yeah, I remember

a couple of people have pointed it out, but all the shit that you tweet now regularly is like shit that you would, if you had stolen somebody's account, the shit you would put on their account.

Oh, yeah.

It's like he's controlling himself.

You can't tell if somebody were to hack my account because

just be like, yeah, I want to give Hank Hill the suck.

Well, you could tell if I hacked his account, folks.

There's a specific word.

I would tweet immediately.

Yeah.

All of them unfollow me.

And then he loses three followers.

Oh, fuck.

Should you guys check out my mug?

Damn, Comedy Knockout.

By the way, oh, yeah, Nick Mullen,

new

television writer of Comedy Knockout.

True TV's own Nick Mullen.

Yeah, actually, yes, please watch the show so it gets picked up for a third season.

Maybe they'll have me back.

There we go.

I can buy more power tools.

Yeah, Nick's not going to get evicted.

I'm done.

I'm done with the power tools.

You're done, you think?

You can't even see where they are right now.

Well,

I built cubbies to hide everything.

Your room just looks like a fucking old man's crazy.

Unfinished wood.

Yeah.

Well,

that's the goal.

You turn your life into a POW camp.

Hell yeah, dude.

I was looking to put a fan in that hole in the wall

because, you know, like A, there's no privacy, and B, like, the air conditioning doesn't really get in there.

So I was looking at, like, industrial exhaust fans, and what a racket.

They're all like, you know, just to get something that fits in there, it's like one was like $700.

Jesus, and it was listed as explosion proof, which I wasn't even worried about with a regular fan, but now that I know that fans can explode.

Yeah, well, then I guess I need to just get a little bit more.

Do you know this thing that, like,

I think it might be Korean people, like, don't Korean fan death don't sleep with ceiling fans?

Because it sucks all the oxygen out of the fan.

They think you can die from it.

Yeah, that's like a thing that everyone in Korea believes.

Holy shit.

And their language is also a bunch of circles and rectangles.

So they don't know shit, anyways.

That's what you're saying.

Have you ever seen their language?

Their written language looks like a drunk person trying to draw Legos.

I mean,

that's what they, I mean, all the.

No, Korean is specifically.

Okay, huh?

The rest of them,

like, Chinese is, you know, there's some swoops and

mostly straight lines and it's boxy and stuff.

And then Japanese is like more fun.

You know, it's like they're.

They look like emojis at the beginning.

It is so cute.

Yeah.

And then the Korean one.

It's just an emoji language.

The Korean one basically looks like machine code.

Like it was like something.

It's like the Matrix.

Yeah, like if we discovered

some piece of technology from the 50s, like landed on the moon somehow and developed its own society, that's what the Korean language would look like, is that robot moon language.

That's actually where the term comes from.

All Asian people are from the moon.

Also, what is the deal with Korea where when you're in bed with the guy that you're hooking up with, you're sending nudes to other guys?

What's the deal with Korea?

Do you guys know that?

No, no, what's that?

All right, Raffles.

Never mind.

Did you fuck him up?

Just my life, just something that happened.

Oh, you mean

Joe?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I think that's Asians.

I think that's a Korean thing.

I thought you meant two Korean administrative things.

No, she was sending nudes to Adam.

She was sending nudes to dudes

laying next to me in bed.

That's a turbo cuck.

Yeah, yeah.

That's a turbo cuck.

I'm voting for Trump, basically.

Get him out.

Get them out.

No, I'm just, I'm a cuck lord now, and I'm voting for Trump.

Are you still fucking that girl?

No, it's over.

But I got a cool jacket out of it.

Yeah, we should all vote for Tom Myers.

That's the only thing that I'll feel happy about.

I would love to vote for Tom Myers.

I'm voting for Tom Myers.

We should, for real, get Tom Myers to do a regular segment on the podcast.

I've said this before.

The news.

Tom Myers News Minute.

Norman Wilkerson found Tom Myers acting reel and sent it to me.

Oh, no.

We talked with a lot of things.

Yeah, yeah, it's the best.

Well, it's like the priest.

Yeah, yeah.

The priest one is the one I'd seen.

This is like a new one that Norman found.

Wait, there's another one?

I didn't think about that one set so much, the public access one.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

He's talking about eating Hillary Clinton's.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That was the trademark.

That's the Ed Schrader.

Ed Schrader is shit.

There is a public access one.

I've seen

it transplant.

It's the greatest stand-up comedy.

There's that, and then there's the I and Scare You motherfuckers.

Yeah, those are the two best ever.

If the guy that makes t-shirts is listening, the guy that made the Brandon t-shirt,

if you want, no pressure, but if you could make a shirt with Tom Myers' face and it says bong hit transplant, please.

Yes,

that should be the official shit.

I would wear that.

I would wear that.

Maybe it says come town real small on the bottom.

It doesn't matter.

As long as it's just Tom Myers and it says bong hit transplant.

That would be a good thing.

Yeah, dude.

Fuck yeah.

That should just be our merch.

And you can probably make money off of it.

Also, if anyone out there knows how to draw or you're an illustrator, if you can draw Tom Myers taking a bong hit out of Hillary Clinton's pussy.

That would be perfect.

That would be really great.

Any Tom Myers-related art, go crazy.

Tom Myers fan art is exactly what we want.

If we even have any listeners, we probably lost everyone, right?

Yeah, because we took a a week off.

So we took a week off, so we're fucked.

Yeah.

That's how that ends.

Hopefully, we never have to do this again.

How long was the Glazer run?

Was that one episode?

That was one episode.

That was one episode.

Oh, yeah.

So not only did we take a week off,

we took a week off after just a whole rape.

Aaron Glazer.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, and I guess he probably did it.

Oh, yeah, of course, Nick.

Well, here's what sealed the deal for me.

Oh, shut the fuck up.

I'm so.

What is it?

What is it?

Well, so he got an attorney, and like the lawyer is.

He raped the attorney on.

GHB'd the attorney.

Yeah.

The lawyer, like, the same girl that wrote that.

The same girl that wrote that Revelus article, like, asked for comment, and the attorney was like, well,

basically what we're doing now, because this is none of this is true, is we're waiting to see what UCB has to say to us, and then we're going to decide if there's going to be a lawsuit or not.

And it's like, oh, so you met with Aaron, and he was probably like, well, I kind of raped those girls.

And they're like, okay, well, we'll see if they say anything fucked up.

And if they do, well, like, they're just trying to see what information UCB has.

Because here's the thing.

If like UCB had said I raped somebody, I would immediately, I wouldn't say that.

If UCB had said it?

Yeah.

Well, yeah, if some fucking organization, well, if anybody did, to the extent, like, if it was just some fucking crazy, you know, nut job, I'd be like, yeah, that's not true.

And I wouldn't worry about it.

But if it was like an organization with like some credibility, I would absolutely try to sue them no matter what.

Oh, I see.

Because I did it.

You know what I mean?

But if it's like, well, true, exactly.

If you don't sue someone when they say you raped someone, you raped someone.

Is it true that he got a job writing for the next season of Amy Schumer or not?

Aaron Glaser.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's head writer.

They fired Kurt Newton.

They fired Kurt and hired Aaron Glaser because

they thought Erin was a girl's name.

It's only fair.

It's only fair.

But here's what I'm doing with that situation.

Because, like, you know, the same way you should encourage victims to go to the police, you should encourage victims of defamation to actually fucking sue the people accusing accusing them of shit.

And if they're not going to do it, well, then maybe they're lying.

So I'm still victim blaming.

You're still finding a way.

Yeah, so I haven't changed my opinion.

He's not, yeah, you're not actually victim blaming.

You're rapist blaming.

No, I'm victim blaming Aaron for not fucking suing UCB for lying about him.

So you so maybe they're not lying.

Jesus Christ.

I wish Brandon was saying this so I could be like, what is that, Brandon?

Yeah.

So anyway, Brandon, why are you nodding and being like, yes, everything Nick said, why are you mouthing everything?

That is true.

That is true.

Anyway, no more rape.

Unless we all rape Brandon on the podcast right now.

Wouldn't that be a good pod?

But the response to all that shit has still been bullshit.

No, I mean, like, fucking all these people angry at Kurt.

Oh, I mean, he shouldn't.

Or angry at Amy?

Like, putting Amy in that position.

Amy talking about it on Charlie Rose.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, really?

I didn't even see that.

Oh, it's a, yeah.

I mean, Kurt shouldn't have fucking.

I mean, just like, people should have more empathy when shit like this happens is the only thing.

He shouldn't have fucking.

How do you know he doesn't have any empathy?

He expressed an opinion about not jumping to conclusions.

Originally, well, the fucking saying like good whole and shit like just the way

the

phrasing he used.

Phraseology?

Yeah, the phraseology.

I always said phraseology.

Yeah, it's just like

his phraseology was.

He types most of his Facebook posts with his penis.

I was saying, Kurt always sounds like somebody repeating themselves to a deaf person.

Oh.

no, what I said was.

Do you know what?

But I do think it's fucked when people are like, yeah, fuck him.

Now that he has been like, hey, I fucked up and I, whatever.

Like, now people are like, oh, of course.

That's.

It's like, now they're taking a victory right.

It's like, what the fuck else do you want from the guy?

He fucked up, he admitted it, and now he's open.

Yeah, he shouldn't have said it in the first place.

Because

they want to scold people.

That's what they live for.

It has nothing to do with doing right.

He said that, like, he got in a fight with one of his girlfriends

15 years ago.

He got what?

He got in a physical altercation with his girlfriend when she destroyed all his stuff.

Yeah, he told the story on Marin.

But

people still bring that up, right?

Yeah,

some piece of shit at Heavy wrote this article that was like five fast facts about Karen Margaret Gold.

That was crazy.

About his girlfriend.

About Karen.

About someone's girlfriend.

Yeah, and Karen said nothing.

And then there's a big picture of Karen, and then underneath it, it says, This is the girlfriend of the man that blamed victims.

It's just some shitty stuff.

Some awful website.

website.

Some shitty comments.

Didn't they say something like, she's Jewish?

Yeah, that was Jewish number three.

What are the facts?

Well, then they framed it in a way where they're like, her dad's a Zionist.

So it wasn't even like she's Jewish.

It's like, it's even worse.

Yeah, she's pro-apartheid.

She's one of the bad Jews.

Yeah.

She's pro-occupation, pro-race.

Yeah, yeah.

And then fact number four.

Fact number four was that Kurt

choked

another person's girlfriend.

Nice.

That's a good fact.

That has nothing to do with Karen.

Wow.

Well, Brandon is a good one.

Wow, who gives a shit?

We've moved on from that topic.

Yeah.

Brandon's also committed acts of violence against women.

Isn't that right, Brandon?

Most of Brandon's

stand-up acts could technically be classified as violence against women.

Brandon raped an infant last year at Wonderland in front of all of us.

At Wonderland Ballroom.

He raped an infant.

If you agree, just don't say anything.

And then he texted Andy Kimmer.

Just laugh and don't say anything.

And was like, Andy, is this funny?

And he's like, I don't know what's going on.

I'm born.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I saw Don't Breathe last night.

It was Don't Breathe.

It's like a horror movie.

Oh.

Yeah.

I enjoyed it a lot.

Do you guys know about that?

No.

No.

What is it about horror?

Topic number two.

Moving on.

Here's my review.

It's fantastic.

Go see it.

Nice, man.

Thanks.

Sully, have you seen it?

It's okay.

Next one.

No.

It looks fucking horrific.

Why does it look horrific?

It just looks like a fucking face movie.

Eastwood makes good movies.

Sully, like, like, is it like a Boston movie?

It's Tom Hanks being the guy.

It's a guy named Sully.

He's from Southeast.

Sully, Southeast, bro.

Sully, the.

Oh, okay, cool.

He's on all the shows.

Wait, it's a Clint Eastwood movie?

Yeah.

He does it.

So he's like,

these gooks are raising.

That's your goddamn.

And then he'd like to turn to his co-pilot and he's like, this is where Obama should be sitting.

It's empty.

He's just sex spooks like you, six feet high in Korea.

Yo, Nick and I, we used to walk around Chinatown doing the Gran Torino voice.

We were laughing.

Me and Amber and Felix were laughing the other night about like

about like the older, you know, like old, back when before it was, I mean, not before it was trans, but when you could still say cross-dresser because some people were just cross-dressers.

Right, right, right.

And like, I used to work in a mall, and early in the morning, there used to be, like, two separate old guys that were like cross-dressers.

But they're those types where they like, yeah, we're probably in World War II.

Yeah, yeah.

And then at 67 years old, they're like, fuck it, I'm wearing a dress.

And then

I'm going to die.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So we were laughing about Trans Torino.

It was just some old

pattern.

Trans Torino.

Yeah, yeah.

I love it.

What the fuck are you spooks up to?

What are you spooks up to?

An Irish guy, a Jew and a black, walk into the bathroom with Target.

And then Caitlin says, get the fuck out.

And then him and the other guy laugh.

And then they suck each other's dicks.

He says, get the fuck out.

That's pretty good.

Yeah, no, I think that was a good

sketch.

Yeah, we should be.

I really, I was bitching.

I was saying they should bring back Mad TV on Facebook.

They already did.

It's I know.

It fucking, yeah.

You know what?

I looked at a picture of the cast, and they were smiling too much, and I was like, yeah, this isn't going to be funny.

It was fucking hurt.

Wasn't the writing staff like the final season, like all of alt comedy?

It was like Pat and Oswald.

The first one would switch back and forth for Mr.

Show and Mad TV.

Yeah.

They had some, no, they had good shit.

Didn't we talk about this already?

Key and Peel.

Yeah.

We definitely talked about this already.

Yeah.

We sucked off Mad TV before.

Yeah, it's my favorite show.

My favorite show is Golden Girls.

Golden Girls is a good show.

It's a good show.

You say that as a joke, but Golden Girls is actually.

No, I like it.

It's always a good conversation.

I've been watching it a lot.

It's on the Hallmark channel.

The Nanny.

Great show.

Is The Nanny good?

No, not the best.

The Chef.

We're talking about Chinese nanny.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, Miss Sasha.

That was so good for you.

I wanted to.

I mean, I beat off to her so much in the nanny, like all those dumb, like,

fucking cheetah print.

And, like, oh, my God.

I love it.

I definitely did.

It was definitely very, like, formative.

Oh, there was some very formative.

She's in the mix formatively.

My biology teacher,

Miss Warner from sixth grade, just huge titties and red hair.

I think, and, like, I, I, I want to fuck redheads now, and I think it's all because I've spent a year of my life beating off almost exclusively to her.

That's weird that you would want to fuck Redheads.

Why?

Because you just don't have options in general.

Like you would have to be able to get it.

No, I can fuck.

I can fuck, bitch.

I don't like this whole meme of me not being able to fuck.

I fuck.

That's the narrative you crafted.

I'm just going.

I can fuck.

I can fuck when I put my mind to it.

I am celibate right now.

You can fuck when you're featuring for Bobby.

Yeah, oh, yeah.

I can get headed in the fucking shit.

You look good, man.

You look like you've lost weight.

Thank you, buddy.

Yeah, I got fired.

We didn't talk about that at all.

I I think you always look like you lost weight to me.

No, I forget that.

I expect a lot worse.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I've ballooned.

No, I keep going back and forth.

No, I think it's because, like, when we first started hanging out, you were like 400 pounds.

Oh, I was fat as shit, dude.

Yeah, I was legitimately 325.

Yeah.

That's actually the secret.

If you're a big fat guy, don't lose all the weight.

Lose like half of it.

And then people will still think, like, oh, yeah, you're still fat, but they'll have the image in their head of the fattest version of you.

So every time you see them, they're like, you've lost like 100 pounds.

I mean, you're still fat, but you look good.

I think I've talked to you about how I jacked off like way late.

Yeah, you wouldn't jack off, right?

Well, because of middle school, I went to a Catholic school where they taught you that like jacking off is like evil.

Yeah, and I was like afraid.

Like, I was afraid I'd just like jack off and like demons would come out of my jacket.

That would be badass, dude.

I wish that happened when that fucking jack off.

Yeah, fucking Ghostbusters.

Yeah, yeah.

Demons came out.

My Geo starts playing.

Like Ghostbusters 2.

Yeah.

Oh, fuck.

Yeah, you didn't be scared.

You just hear Rob Halford screaming from my room.

Yeah.

It's Rob Halford again.

He must be jacking off.

That's what half their lyrics are about, anyways.

Yeah, I love how gay.

I thought it was like gay bondage sex.

Pretty cool.

I jacked off before I could come.

Do you remember that?

No, you still have an orgasm.

It was actually probably the most powerful orgasm.

I thought I broke my dick the first time.

I thought, like, I was just like, ooh,

yeah.

I used to rub my dick against my hand.

I would rub it flat and just tickle my dick until I came, like, when I was like 11, I think.

Yeah.

That's weird.

That was the first way.

That was the first way I came.

I had a fleece Redskins blanket that I would fuck.

Would you like hump it?

No, I would make a

makeshift pocket push.

Did you guys see that article about

a proto-pocket pushing?

Yeah, it was like

Renskin's face.

He cut a hole in the mouth.

I don't know if it was fleece.

It was actually, it was real soft.

That soft shit.

I know what you're talking about.

That material.

It's a lot of football shit, is that material?

I think they sell them in

CVS.

It's some kind of synthetic throw shit.

Yeah.

It's good to fuck.

I remember I was in the mall one time with my friend Zach when we were like 13 or 14.

We walked past Brookstone and we were like in Brookstone.

Because, you know, when you're a kid, you walk through the mall and then you go sit in those massage chairs, which they don't let you sit in if you're under 18.

Really?

And they tell you remember that?

It was like you have to be 18 to sit in like massage chairs.

That was like a thing at different like Brookstones and places.

Or maybe some of them.

Super image they were letting little kids, young kids.

Yeah, you would do it anyways.

But I remember, and it was because they make you come.

Oh.

And they said it was to stunt your growth, but it's because they make you come.

Really?

You come off that shit?

I don't know.

But that's the story went.

We were in Brookstone and they had like this vibrating neck pillow that was like and turned on.

And like

fucking, I don't know.

Something picked it up.

They showed it to Zach.

Zach's looking at it, and it's like vibrating.

He's like, oh my God.

And he goes, does it have a hole in it?

And he's like, turning it around.

Like, doesn't think about it.

And he's like, you know, fuck that thing.

Who was the first one?

I want to nut at Brookstone before the weekend's over.

Yeah.

I think it's done.

That's why Sharper Image went out of business.

Some dude nutted in that $9,000 grill that has a radio built over.

Why didn't Britstone and Sharper Image just squat up, dude?

They were doing the same thing, and they both went on there.

They're against each other.

Now, every store in the mall is either like closed for black people owned by a Korean guy or the Apple store.

Or like a kiosk to get your iPhone

fixed.

Yeah, or it'd be like a cool Indian guy that has a bunch of iPhone cases.

Did you break your screen going?

What's up, man?

What is up, my man?

Hey, Kurt.

Hey, listen to me, my pussy-getting friends.

Do you want to be the most wary, wary, pussy-getting guy?

You have to have the new case.

The most wary, very pussy-getting.

Oh, fuck.

Hey, cool guy.

What's up, cool guy?

Indian dudes are the happiest people in the entire world.

I think we talked about that before.

Probably.

I think so.

Yeah.

Now when their sons go to jail for murdering a girl they had a one-night stand with.

One night of.

Man, that show has fallen off.

Yeah, it really is.

The pilot was so fucking good.

The pilot is

good as shit.

Yeah, the pilot is so fucking good.

And now, like, in the last episode when he, like, kisses the lawyer or whatever, I'm like, I'm done with this.

Two episodes ago, I was loling.

Spoins.

It was just so absolutely absurdly.

It's ridiculous.

Did you see he got knuckle tats?

He got sin on one hand and bad on the other hand.

He literally got sin, bad.

Oh, I I didn't see bad on the hand.

Yeah, yeah, he has sin and bad.

Why?

Dude, because sin bad, but like the Arab Sinbad, the one, the one that's the real one over, the swashbuckling.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, I didn't know that was a real guy.

Yeah, well, it's it's real.

Yeah, um, the show gets bad because when he, as soon as he goes to prison, he goes, the story transforms from having the appeal that Serial did, where they present Adnan as like, this is just some guy, you know, that this happened to.

And that's like a really interesting take on like a fucking homicide, where it's like, he's not a bad guy, but there's nothing particularly special about this dude.

Yeah, he's a good student, but it's not like he's valedictorian.

He's just some fucking guy.

Yeah.

And you don't know what happened.

Maybe he murdered the girl.

Maybe he's in denial about it.

And that's what made it great.

And then as soon as he gets to prison, it's like...

He becomes a bad boy.

Well, it's not that he becomes a bad boy.

It's that Michael K.

Williams is like, look, you're special.

I also don't like Michael K.

Williams.

I think he's an okay actor, but the roles he always plays are like, you know, know, I don't, I think Omar was the shittiest character on the wire.

That's a good coming through.

Whoa, that's a real coming through with the opinions.

Well, he's like, he's like, especially that episode where he jumps like four stories and he just has like a...

That's a real story.

That actually happened.

He actually, some of the events that jumped through the story.

I felt the same thing when I looked it up, and the guy that's based off of actually jumped four fucking stories.

Well, that might change my opinion then, because I always felt like Omar was this guy.

It's too bulletproof, yeah.

Yeah, exactly.

But then the way, I mean, this is definitely a huge spoiler, but the way it all ends for him is like it kind of, you know, I used to do that when I did stand-up impulse.

Yeah, the little boy kills him.

Yeah,

every time I did stand-up impulsive, I'd be like,

you know, I'd be like, I don't want to spoil anything, but I'm not going to spoil anything.

But there's a, in season five, there's a child that kills one of the most beloved characters, Omar.

But I'm not going to spoil anything.

I don't know.

I'm so anti-spoiler that I don't want to be a part of this, guys.

I'm sorry if this ruined your views.

I think Cockville one time.

We We were talking about

Speed 2.

Cruise Control.

Yeah.

And I was like saying something.

Now I don't remember if it was Cockfield or not.

Yeah, you're probably just as good.

Seth isn't that dumb, actually.

But it was somebody.

I was talking about Speed 2.

And I was like, and unironically, they were like, whoa, I haven't seen it yet.

Oof.

And I was like, yeah, I do not care.

Fuck it.

You ruined a movie

20 years ago.

Also, not a good movie.

It's like one thing if you're like, hey, it's a classic, whatever, but speed too.

By the way, Brandon's on his phone.

He couldn't handle...

He couldn't handle a sustained hour.

Oh, really?

He just made a new movie.

Brandon has to call his parents for permission to watch PG-13 movies.

He has to get them.

Dude, I'm really sorry.

I'm not a party to that at all.

I didn't want the surprise.

But there's so much better shit in the wire.

I mean, it's like.

It's true, but still.

Yeah, I mean, there's other shit that I only know the.

I don't know any of the character names except you should watch you should watch somebody somebody quote-unquote spoiled the end of the Sopranos for me and it's not like well I can't watch it now.

It was still great.

I just yeah, I knew what the ending was because it was like socially like such a big deal.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, but I wasn't watching it contemporaneously.

I wasn't watching it when it was coming out.

You would prefer not to know though.

I still think it just had as much of an effect on me.

I don't know.

I don't like...

I hate getting shit spoiled.

Even I don't know.

I just even little shit.

I don't like it.

I like to go in as cold as possible into a movie, not knowing shit.

That's what I did with Don't Breathe.

I read one review that was like, this is a great horror movie.

I was like, okay.

And I had no idea what the plot was.

I don't like horror.

I don't either.

It's not scary.

Me neither.

Yeah.

I'm a pussy.

I hate scary shit.

It's not, but I don't get horror.

You're scared.

It's a movie.

It's a movie.

What do you scared us?

The right ones are funny.

Like, Green Room was great.

That's not a horror movie.

What is it?

Was it a thriller?

Yeah, suspense.

Okay.

And then I guess that's what this is.

Okay.

But no, you know, it's, I don't know.

I guess it's like sort of horror.

Me too.

I saw a horror movie recently.

It was Ricky Gervais, Jerry Seinfeld, Louis C.K.

just sitting down talking comedy, man.

And it was spooky.

No, okay.

All right.

I forgot Chris Rock.

Chris Rock, too.

But yeah, Ricky Gervais is horrific on the fact that

makes me so

that is so upsetting.

Ricky Gervais being like, yes, I'm also as good as

three of the best ever.

Every time he talks, it's like screeching hope.

Oh, yes, you know how that's the thing you guys like me the most for?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I went to a show, and I don't want to say whose show it was,

but basically the format is like,

well, it's sort of like a panel.

It'll be easy to guess whose show it was.

So I'll just say it's like a panel format where like there's four comedians and

they have to riff

on something.

Yes, I want to do that.

I want to get it it as loose as possible.

What this is about.

Well, you don't know.

Is it comedy without a leash?

No, I don't even know what that is.

Oh, dude, Comics Unleashed is so good.

Oh, yeah.

Oh my God, Comics Unleashed.

No, this isn't a TV show.

Oh, it's like a stand-up show.

But the host of the show was like,

you know, not a bad comedian, but like just essentially a fucking bar show, open mic or.

Then he would book like very good comedians.

Right.

And anytime he said anything, it was just like,

that happens a lot here, man, because it's like, because so many, it's just the best comedians around, so they'll do whatever show.

And it's like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's brutal.

Yeah.

So we'll take a break and then come back and then

suck each other off until we come.

Now it's like this little bridges.

All you gotta do is

look for the bare necessities, but simple bare necessities.

Forget about your wordies and your strife.

I mean the bare necessities or Mother Nature's recipes that bring the bare necessities of life.

Wherever I wander,

wherever I roam, roam,

I couldn't be found

out my big home.

The bees are buzzing in the tree to make some honey just for me.

When you look under the rocks and plants and take a glance at the fancy ants, then maybe try a few.

Ants?

You better believe it.

You're going to love the way they take them.

Movement!

Look out!

The bare necessities of life will come to you.

They'll come to you.

Look for the bare necessities, the simple bare necessities.

Forget about your worries and your strife.

I mean the bare necessities.

That's why a bear can rest at ease with just the bare necessities of life.

Now when you pick a paw paw, or a prickly pear

and you prick a raw paw, well next time, beware.

Don't pick the prickly pear for the paw.

When you pick a pair, try to use the claw.

But you don't need to use the claw when you pick a pair of the big pawpaws.

Have I given you a clue?

Golly, thanks, Blue.

Paw, paw.

Oh, the silly gymnasium.

Come on, Paggy, get with a bee.

The bare necessities of life will come to you.

They'll come to you.

How

Okay, we're back and we're talking anxiety memes with Brandon Wardell from Twitter.

He's 12 years old.

He just grew a vagina.

He hit puberty.

He is literally wearing a dress.

At puberty.

At puberty.

We didn't.

Okay, first of all, we have.

Ladyboys are a different species than the rest of us.

Asshole shifts forward and replace their dick.

They just flip it.

Brandon's got two assholes.

Brandon's got two assholes, one for business, one for pleasure.

Yo, that's so funny.

Yeah, we really weren't mean enough to bring it in the first half.

He's literally wearing a dress, and we have been like, oh, yeah, let's talk about it.

He's in an audio format, dude.

He's got a dress for radio.

Also, what if Brandon's trans, dude?

What if Brandon's trans now and he showed up in a dress and you fucking started ripping on him?

That'd be awesome.

And then he's, actually, now my name's Brenda.

Brenda Wardell.

Brenda Bathrooms.

You saw the backpack says trans.

Honestly, if Brandon was trans, I'd be like, that's just Brandon.

Like, that's just for the brand.

Transden?

So that would be a bad thing.

Transden Wardell.

That would be such a

good brand man.

You're a calculating ass bitch, dude.

Now you're trying.

Brandon is not a person.

He will cease to be a person.

You know what's funny?

Some Asian people have the last name Tran.

Yeah.

You remember one of those?

The Trans.

Wow.

Yeah.

I didn't even put that together until just now.

Yeah.

That's sick.

And then that's also they're like.

Adam just has a fucking such a knowledge of every kind of Asian.

A carnal knowledge.

You guys know that thing where they send nudes to other guys while they're

literally.

She was on the podcast, too.

The girl that was on the podcast is doing that, guys.

Anyway.

Anyway.

Oh, also, I said, don't screenshot me.

Don't screenshot me.

And the second it ended, she screenshot of me.

Of course, dude.

Wow.

Yeah, I hate that shit.

Fucking screenshotting people.

Screenshotting is.

Was it you that was like...

Screenshotting is feminism.

What would female comics do if there weren't Ticker screenshots?

I think somebody else said that.

Probably Racine or something.

That's a great.

That's so fucking good.

Yeah.

Yeah, the guy's just trying to fuck for Christ's sake.

It's not an easy thing, ladies.

The saddest thing.

Well, Jake Wiseman had the funniest one.

It was like two years ago.

He was like, wow, I can't believe how sexually forward that guy was to you on that

hookup dating service you willingly signed up for.

That's so sad when it's just a guy reaching out, you know, to his stranger.

Oh, yeah, because sometimes it's not a guy being a creep.

It's just some guy.

Hey, I'm just looking for love in this lonely world.

He's like, look at that.

He's like, what a fucking laser.

It's like, okay, well, you're 29, so

TikTok bitch.

Yeah, exactly.

TikTok, bitch.

There's a fuse hooked up to your vagina and sizzling.

And it's going to go off, ladies.

Any moment now.

Sicily?

Oh, Sizzler.

Sicily.

You ever been to Sizzler's stop?

I wish I have had.

They still have them in Los Angeles.

Get out of town, really?

I actually have to go to L.A.

for a week.

When?

We should go together.

It's open-ended, but I got a project I got to go work on in the next month and a half.

We should go.

You should come with.

I'd come.

We'll go to Sizzler.

I would love to do that.

Yeah, we'll just plan it.

Yeah.

You're going to L.A.?

I am.

When?

I don't know.

We We just sat down.

We just literally just had.

Put your phone away, bitch.

Brandon retweeted me.

I feel like I'm flying right now.

This is, you mother.

Again, you retweet that.

What is it going to take for me to get a fucking thing?

Have I not retweeted you?

You've never retweeted.

I've never retweeted you.

You've never retweeted me once in my life.

That's not

true.

We got to talk about this picture of Arthur Chew, which somebody brought to my attention.

I said it as my lock screen because it's so good.

Oh, no.

Oh, yeah, the game of throws.

I don't watch it.

I don't watch Game of Thrones, so I don't know.

God damn.

I don't know what that chair is.

That's good shit.

I don't know what this chair is because

the new balances.

Look at this shoe.

Oh, he can't put a shoe on.

Look at this shoe in particular.

Look how fucked up it is.

He blocked me.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And he's blocked all of us.

Wasn't it hard?

Do you guys think it was hard for Arthur Chu growing up with

an autistic sister, DW?

Yeah.

Arthur the Chuck.

Who the fuck is Arthur Chu again?

He was on Jeopardy or something.

He was on Jeopardy, and then after Jeopardy, he became like a columnist.

And then he got in.

He was like during the whole Gamergate thing.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He made some.

But his best take of all of them, his biggest hit was the time that he watched gay porn.

Oh, I remember that.

So, you know, you could know how uncomfortable women felt.

That's so fucking good.

That's not even how analogies work.

Like, that's not even.

He looks like Mr.

Saturn from Earthbound.

I think the very best Arthur Byrne that I ever heard is someone said he looked like a minion with Down syndrome.

You think that guy fucks?

Arthur?

Oh, yeah, dude.

Really?

I mean, more than you.

Boom!

I'm

celibate on purpose.

Yeah.

I'm celibate on purpose.

No one try and fuck me.

Yeah, I don't know.

When did he post this Game of Thrones?

I don't know, but I've been dying at that shoe for the last two days.

How fucked up that shoe is.

If you zoom in on it, he can't.

Doesn't know how to put it on.

The tongue is jammed down into the side.

But then he kept lacing it.

So the laces go up his ankle, and then he's got like four or five layers

of laces above where the tongue has been jammed down into the shoe.

Oh, my God.

I mean, like,

ridiculous.

Come on, dude.

Just take a second, dude.

What are you like?

What the fuck?

Why are you so busy in that much of a hurry to sit in that chair?

Also, he was definitely

thrones chair.

No, dude.

He was in line to sit in that chair.

So he just

waited.

Yeah.

He could have just knelt down at any moment to fucking fix his shit.

His pants are on backwards.

He's like, he somehow got part of his ass pulled through the zipper of his pants.

This is half of a cheek pulled through the zipper hole, but then they're buttoned.

Big art chew.

Yeah.

So what else, Brandon, what do you got going on?

We need to fill another, I don't know, 20 minutes or so.

He's going to the VMAs some more time.

Oh, are you doing that?

You got to use the VMAs.

I'm just, yeah, I'm in town to just be Snapchat.

To go to the VMAs.

I'm not Snapchatting.

You're not the VMAs, no.

Didn't that we did the VMA?

I mean, I'll do it on my account.

Didn't you Snapchat for them the first time?

Yeah, I got paid to take over the MS.

So don't say it like I'm not doing that.

You fucking did it.

Oh, like, oh, okay.

Well, whatever.

I'm just.

You're just attending.

Yeah, I'm attending.

Okay, that's good.

Yeah.

Who are you going with?

What's up?

Yeah, when are we going, dude?

When is the Uber?

My friend Darcy.

Oh, Darcy.

Yeah.

Darcy tweets about me.

Darcy, who sub-tweets you way too much.

All the time.

You guys met like once.

Yeah, she keeps

30.

She's always like

a 30-year-old we dealer in a planet fitness t-shirt.

Oh, yeah, that's a good look.

And then all of her, yeah, all of

her sad girl Twitter followers are like, hell yes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then they're all, she's, yeah, she roasts you way too much for somebody that met you.

I didn't even know she was flirting with me.

And she's like, yeah, this one time this guy would rather watch basketball than like hook up with me.

I was like, you were trying to hook up with me?

I had like no idea.

Right.

Whatever.

Yo, what's up, Darcy?

your boy stop

no

uh i would never uh i didn't say that and what's up holler me she's mad cool you seem like a great person she's very funny i think she's like she's in my top five twitter accounts oh nice she's just threes and yeah like three three three three three four four four oh really

oh well check it out oh this is great amber's sending me text from a friend of hers right now and it's i don't know who this is what they said we were at a twitter dj thing last summer and my friend goes bro you look, bro, you Brandon Wardell-looking ass as an insult, and then it was actually him.

Wait, who said that?

I don't know, it's anonymous.

There's a lot of people that don't like you, so I get sent

the greatest.

Isn't it going to be awesome when Brandon's career goes on?

Oh, like woke Twitter.

He's going to end up like one of those dudes that runs open mics in LA that had a career in 1992 for a thing.

You're going to be that guy?

Who's that guy who's showing you like a bunch of people?

People are like, Yeah, that's

the pulley for Mencino, man.

He loses this fucking mic now.

He's just this weird guy.

I'll be all over the world.

And you don't know how to act when that happens.

No, you won't.

You won't die.

You're going to be a fucking miserable middle-aged piece of shit.

No, I need to die.

I need to die early.

No, dude.

I was in a commercial for Staples once.

Here's the problem.

Brandon's just going to have a good life.

Yeah, he's just going to be happy and healthy.

He's literally going to be Spider-Man, and it's going to be hilarious.

Oh, are you going to play Spider-Man once they work through all the other races?

Like, we finally got to question mark.

No, hopefully something bad happens.

But I want, see, here's the thing.

I want something bad to happen, but I want you to rebound.

Did you read that article about

Donald Glover's show, The Atlanta show?

I didn't see an article about it.

Yeah, I read an article.

It looks really good.

I didn't see shit about it, but I saw one article that made me laugh where it's like, you know,

it's a fuck you to white people or something.

It was on one of my websites.

It's literally in Derek Comedy.

He's not saying fuck you to white people.

Well, I don't know what's going on in his head.

But in the article, it was like, you know, he's only hiring black writers, but then the quote on the article was like, I wanted to show white America they don't know

everything about black people or whatever.

And then in that same paragraph, it was like, like, they got this character in the show, and they're like, all right, he's a drug dealer, and he lives in a trap house or whatever.

He's like, No, he's a drug dealer.

He's got enough money for a regular apartment.

They're like, Oh, okay.

It's like, why is he a drug dealer?

You want to make a show that challenges stereotypes?

They're like, Well, yeah, he's black, so he sells drugs, obviously, but you know, in like a cool way, in a nice way.

He drives like a Mercedes instead of a Cadillac, yeah.

But no, he sells drugs for sure.

He really have very good things to say about Donald Glover.

Yeah, oh, hell yeah.

I'm sure the show is going to be a good thing.

Yeah, the show is talking about this fucking army.

Well, we like met, I I like met him at like his place on Memorial Day, and I had never met him before.

Where does he live?

It was in the Hollywood Hills.

He was the exact address.

And he came up to me,

yo, I read all of your tweets.

Really?

Nice, man.

I've seen you make jokes about me, but they're funny, like, whatever.

Oh, that means you're on his shit list, dude.

You're on the DG shit list.

Yeah.

So you can kiss your career goodbye.

Yeah, it's okay.

You better start that mic now.

Yeah.

That Hooters.

Yes, try to get in the factory.

Wait, is that Panera, or not Panera, is that

Panera where there's an open mic, like Times Square Panera?

It's like on bad slaves.

Oh, so it's a bringer.

To Donald Glover's credit, I also want to say that bro rape popularized bro as a term.

Oh, yeah.

If it weren't for that switch, people wouldn't.

Yeah.

Absolutely.

He is definitely popularized.

Absolutely.

That's true.

Can you like the amount of

cultural power that has that?

Staying power is that fucking term.

Derrick Comedy is also established what a bro exactly.

Yeah.

Have you seen Mystery Team?

It's pretty good.

Yeah.

Mystery Team's really funny.

I think it's really funny.

For years, I thought the fat guy in Derrick Comedy was Sean Patton.

I thought they were the same guy.

No, it's not.

I was like, wasn't shot when I first started.

Did Derrick Comedy do that video with Ellie Kemper, the dry blood?

Yeah, which she's embarrassed of now.

She hits it.

Oh, it's hilarious.

She hates that it's.

Yeah, she like hates that.

It's like a fake POV porn.

She's like, I'm going to make it drown.

I'm going to use so much teeth.

Yeah.

But yeah, like his music got like really good once he was like sad and like

doing drugs.

Yeah.

I got amazing.

Dude, I remember being in college and loving his comedy and shit, and then going through his Tumblr and being like, seeing he's like promoting a rap album, like, look at this fucking idiot.

Everyone famous wants to be a musician.

And then two years are in top 40.

He's great.

I mean, I fuck with, I fuck with him.

He's great.

But I do hope he doesn't like you secretly and that he has a vendetta against you.

Yeah, that's the first thing I'm saying.

He was just saying that.

Just to set you up.

Just to make you

feel funny.

He said he was like,

I like barely post vines, but he was like, oh,

I've watched all of your vines.

It's so hard to be funny in six seconds.

Nice.

Like, very earnestly.

Do you have any other compliments people have given you you want to say into a microphone?

I'm not, I'm done.

Donald Glover came up, so then I, you know.

Yeah, yeah, so then you had to talk about the telephone.

I'm not here to

flex.

Sure, except that's your, that's your default mode.

What?

Just a quick flex before getting away from it.

Just a casual flex.

Just a casual flex.

Guys, I wish you guys weren't on your phones for that.

You know, that would have been...

I really could have.

I'm not on my phone.

Adam's just staring at me.

Yeah, what is going on, Adam?

You alright?

I have like a faint headache from drinking too many coffees today.

But I'm in it with the podcast.

I love it.

I love you, boys.

You started having.

I like that you have like Vietnam PTSD.

But it's about the women.

Yeah.

He just hears choppers and remembers being cucked.

Saigon.

I can't believe I still have to beat off to Saigon.

He's just in a room with his shirt off, hungover.

Yeah, man.

Yeah, we really took a dip.

Let's keep it focused.

We got five minutes here, boys.

We missed a great opportunity to roast Brandon.

I think it's going perfectly good.

I think it's going good.

Yeah, I think it's.

This has been a good pod.

No, it's been a great pod.

Yeah, there were things I wanted to talk about that Don't Breathe movie.

I thought it was great.

Oh, you know what?

Somebody sent me last week.

This is great.

So, remember how I said I had that air raid siren, autism?

Yes.

If you don't know this, I get autistic about air raid sirens.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hilarious.

But now it's like every six months?

Yeah, it's.

I mean, occasionally, yeah.

I'll get into air raid siren videos.

But then there's also the woodworking shit.

And somebody sent me this guy who's got a wood, some Canadian autistic guy that has his own wood shop.

And

he's like, okay, so this week I decided to,

you know, make my own air raid siren.

And he

makes his own air raid siren in his wood shop out of fucking wood.

And

yeah, I'm like, this guy rules.

I watched a bunch of his other videos.

He's like incredible.

It's all like poo.

Yeah, the cat shits a lot.

Yeah, I smoke that.

And And that cat, though, the white cat is like stare, was like staring me down.

Well, your white cat looks angry.

Always.

It's not my cat.

Do you ever see that?

Not the blooper reel from Gonzo, but like that

teaser where they have all the interview takes with Gary Busey.

Oh, this fucking cat's throwing up.

Now the cat's throwing up because the smell of its own shit, Jesus.

Oh, no.

So disgusting.

Oh,

fuck.

It's trunk.

Oh, that fucking sucks, dude.

I need to leave.

This is like...

This is looking fucking disgusting.

This is so fucking disgusting.

This sucks, dude.

Oh, it's doing it again.

It's fucking disgusting.

Oh, no.

Fuck.

No!

Hell, fuck!

It's so disgusting.

Fuck up!

Alright, Brandon's leaving, everybody.

Oh, it is fucking disgusting.

Oh, Jesus.

All right, stop yelling.

You don't need to scream.

Oh, this is absolutely disgusting.

That's gross.

All right, well, that's this week's episode, everybody.

Thanks for tuning in.

We'll try to get back on a weekly schedule.

Oh, yeah, we're doing another show.

Live show on 9-11.

9-11.

Same venue.

Same venue.

Come on, everybody.

It's not a bit.

It's actually a show on the same.

It's 9-11.

All All right, thanks.

Bye.

Bye.

What do you think, People, for the kids on the floor?

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