Ep. 11 – David Cross

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Hello, everybody.

Welcome to Come Town 11.

11, you're right.

Nice.

That's the first one I got right.

Yeah,

9-11.

9-11.

We skipped right from.

Do we have an episode 10?

Can we not have one?

Can we go straight from 9 to 11?

Well, we already did.

We did.

Well, the last one was in episode 11, then.

Now it's, you know,

this one's episode 12.

It's like in

buildings where they skip

the 13th floor because

I don't know.

It's like a superstition.

Yeah, it's superstition.

They're worried about ghosts.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There was actually a movie called Nightmare on the 13th Floor.

And sometimes I ask people, and I've seen it a bunch, and I say to people, have you seen Nightmare on the 13th floor?

And they go, oh, the 13th floor?

I'm like, nope.

Wow, it's a different movie.

I wouldn't have said Nightmare on the 13th floor if I meant.

Have you seen Nightmare Before Christmas?

Oh, yeah.

Nightmare on Elm Street.

No, that's a completely different thing.

People are so dumb.

You took those.

Yeah,

I've been lifting weights, and I'm ready to just fucking be a sarcastic.

I like when you get strong enough, like you think you're funny because you're just a dismissive sarcasm.

Oh, yeah, no, that's real funny, dude.

Psych.

That's those, they psych people.

Psyche is the best, though.

45.

Well, I mean, I feel like we're really bearing the lead here, Nick.

No, we're not.

We're back in Manhattan at the top of the Prime Minister.

Oh, yeah, we're at the top of the Anthony Tumilla Studios.

The snake pit.

Puerto Rican rattlesnake.

Some asshole on Twitter tried to say that Luis J.

Gomez is the original Puerto Rican Game.

Yeah, I don't like that.

He stole that from us.

First of all, he's not even Puerto Rican.

Luis J.

Gomez.

He's half.

He's not even...

I think he's just an insane clown posse.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's an insane clown.

I think that, like, listen, joke theft is very serious in comedy, and, like, we're not, like, going to be Joe Rogan's about it and, like, call you out.

I am, dude.

That's why I'm going to the gym.

That's why I'm getting strong

I'm doing MMA to confront jokes

Lewis about stealing the Puerto Rican rattlesnake nickname from us.

Yeah, me and me and Lewis are gonna have a fucking four and a half second fight and then we both run out of breath because neither of us are actually in shape.

I like how people look at Lewis and they're like, oh, that in the comedy community and they're like, yeah, Lewis is in like good shape.

But in any other community, he looks like shit.

Yeah, that's how every comedian, everyone who's hot for a comedian is just like not ugly.

Like, that's it.

We got really low, smart.

Like, people think I'm smart.

Yeah, people think comedians

are shit.

And they're not.

I haven't read a book in fucking five years.

Yeah.

Not even Harry Potter?

Have you read those before?

No, I read those before five years.

Legitimate.

I read it six years ago.

Six years ago.

He found out Dumbledore was gay, and he's like, this is about me.

What the fuck?

Yeah, dude.

Dude, are you going to be like this?

We talked about this off mic, and I don't want to.

You got to stop with the gay.

Because I am secretly gay.

What?

Did you edit that out?

Yeah, we'll edit that out.

So there is no

last animal thing.

There's no real burying the lead here because it's going to be in the description of the episode.

Yeah, but people know.

Yeah, we should say it.

You should still break it down.

Well, I got to call him in eight minutes.

Well, let's just say

eight minutes.

Some people won't understand.

Some people can't read.

Some of them are.

That's true.

People who can't read.

Probably

definitely in our top three guests.

Well, Dr.

Evil is the best guest.

Dr.

Evil is probably the biggest guest we've had.

This is the first big one.

This is the second biggest guest.

Second biggest guest.

Second biggest guest.

We have David Cross.

The real David Cross.

It's not a kid.

This isn't actually a bit, yeah.

Yeah, it's not.

We actually, David Cross.

We told Seth he could come on and do his famous David Evil.

How funny it would be if we set up, like, we're like, guys, seriously, David Cross is going to be on the show.

I promise you it's David Cross.

And then we do a two and a half hour episode, and and it's like, oh, okay, now it's time to call him.

And then it's

hello, everybody.

And I just, I'm just kidding.

Yeah.

That would be

that would be great.

But see, because I said that, that's how you know that it's not, that's not the joke.

Right, right, right.

It's

really him.

Yeah, we're excited.

Yeah.

Well, see, now we already mentioned that.

So what are we going to talk about for the next five and a half minutes?

Okay, so Anthony Kumilla Studios, they don't really have the perfect setup or technology for it.

Well, I have to explain that to David when we call him.

Okay.

Unfortunately,

he came up with a really smart plan.

Well,

I only have, there's only one, you can only plug one set of headphones into the four tracks, so I'll be the only one that can actually hear him.

But he'll be, you know, I call him on the phone.

You guys, the audience will be able to hear him, but Adam and Stavros won't.

I guess we could,

I mean,

the head, the earbuds won't even stretch across the table.

Right, right, right.

We can't split them.

I'm going to have to, we're going to have to figure out a way to, you know, do it.

But,

guys, that's like, you know, remember in Apollo 13 when they get stuck on the moon and they're like, how do we, or they don't get stuck?

I've never seen it before.

They get stuck.

Or in the in space.

They're in space.

They go, they're sh they're trying to get to the moon, and they, you know, something happens.

Something happens.

A bunch of alarms go off.

And,

you know,

no spoilers.

Houston,

Houston, I have a problem.

That line is actually from Apollo 13.

And it's, well, what happens is they, or they're in space and they have a problem, and they have to get back.

And so back at Houston, they're, you know, like, we don't take, there's no, you don't say no or quit for an answer.

We don't.

And they use, you know, they come together and they get a bunch of like

stuff out of the supply closet.

No, I'm serious.

That's a scene in the movie.

I've never seen this fucking movie.

The supply closet has been a spaceship.

It's a ship history.

It's not like.

Yeah, and that's how they save Apollo 13 is with a bunch of odds and ends.

So that's what we're doing.

David Cross is the moon.

This podcast is Apollo 13.

Right.

I'm Tom Hanks.

No, I'm Tom Hanks.

I said it.

Fuck.

Who's the sexy?

Who's the other one?

Ed Harris?

I'm Tom Hanks.

Fuck, I'm probably Ed Harris.

Yeah, it's Tom Hanks, Gary Sinise, Ed Harris.

I'm the city of Houston.

Yeah, that's cool.

Yeah, the whole place.

I'm, was it Quantrell X?

Who's the big Houston guy?

The big

Nation of Islam.

Oh, I don't know.

I don't know.

I'm that guy.

He's in the movie.

He's mad that they won't let black people go to space.

I'm James Harden.

Yeah.

Oh, damn.

Bitch.

Cool.

Is Barry Pepper in that movie?

He should be.

Barry Pepper is in every movie about World War II.

I went to his Twitter page.

We're trying to get Barry Pepper as a guest.

I would love to get the Pepper.

I don't even know who he is.

Yeah, you do.

You know who he is.

Like, he's in Saving Private Ryan.

He's in, like, all his, he's got that weird, pinched face.

He's in my favorite movie, Battlefield Earth.

Yeah, he is.

Oh, shit.

He beats up a lot of horses in that movie.

I tried to.

He's the main character in Battlefield Earth.

I've never seen it.

I tried to do a drinking game to that movie where you drink every time John Travolta laughs, like, forces laughter,

like a man-animal.

Every time he does that, you have to drink.

And you won't make it through that movie.

Also, so many horses get injured in the first 15 minutes.

Fuck them, dude.

Fuck animals.

That's my stance.

Well, it's important for Scientology.

You got to spread the gospel.

You got to kill some horses.

You don't make lemonade without killing some horses.

That's true.

That's one of the expressions from Apollo 13.

Yeah.

I remember that.

That's right.

Yeah, the Houston guy comes in.

He He says, I still think I should be talking about.

Boss, you don't make lemonade unless you kill some horses.

And then they go into the supply closet.

There's just a closet in a fucking spaceship.

Yeah.

You can't make lemonade unless you suck off a horse.

Yeah.

I feel like his, and Captain Phillips, his Boston accent was so bad, he should have just gone retard.

He should have gone forrest gunpard to be a Boston guy.

Listen, it's a very slight difference.

They're pretty close.

Listen to me.

I'm the captain now.

That was just Arnold's challenge.

I'm the captain.

But no, and what were we talking about?

Barry Papper.

Barry Papp.

Yeah, I went to Barry Papper's Twitter page, and he's doing some

challenge, some 22 push-ups for 22 days to stop the troops from killing themselves.

First of all, that's not that many push-ups.

And also, he was the troops in so many movies that he feels like he is the troops in real life.

That makes sense.

No, he's got a good point.

He's basically the troops.

He's been in enough

fake fucking costumes and shit.

Yeah, well, he's been in all the good war movies.

We're so nervous.

Was he in platoon?

I know.

There's two minutes left, and I'm like watching the clock.

Yeah, it's just like

it's an execution.

He's professional fucking broadcasters right now.

Well, I'm just hoping he won't be.

He's Wikipedia a lot because I know some of his to be honest with you, the only thing I've seen that he's done is Run Ronnie Run.

Okay, yeah.

Yeah, I don't know what that is, but

no, he was in.

And you know what?

That sounds like I picked the most obscure reference, but it's actually true.

I've seen Ron Ronnie run like, yeah, like three or four times.

When I was like 15, I thought it was hilarious.

He's in Pootie Tank for a second.

Is he?

Yeah, we should ask him.

We should ask him, you know, whatever we we're seeing the Smurfs.

We got to do

an hour with him.

We're doing a full hour.

Full hour.

We're going to aim for that.

Okay, I'm down.

If it goes much shorter, if he's mad about the setup, I don't even know.

He doesn't have a lot going on these days.

He's as.

Well, we'll talk about that with him.

We got a minute left if you guys want to plug anything.

I have like half of an apple that I'm thinking about eating.

I'll celibate from now on.

That's what I want to plug.

Stop sending me pictures of your titties.

I get him.

I'm going to call him now.

Yeah, call him in there early.

It's fine.

Alright, then you know what?

That'll seem professional.

Yeah, it could be like, oh, these guys, they're like professional radio guys.

We're professional radio.

Oh, shit.

Now it's 5:30.

We'll just explain to him that we did.

Well, I'll tell him that we were going to call.

Is it ringing?

What if he just

gave you the wrong number?

No, it's not ringing.

You fucking idiot.

Oh my god.

Jesus Christ.

Oh, there it is.

That was probably the problem.

Then to Verizon Wireless.

Your call cannot be completed as dialed.

Please check the number and dial again.

Announcement for 404.

Location.

Alright, hold on.

His phone's off.

No, no, no.

It said the call cannot be completed.

It's dialed.

I did something wrong here.

Welcome to Verizon Wireless.

We're unable to complete your call.

To speak to a customer service representative, please hang up in dial star 611.

Announcement: 3500.

Location.

80502.

No, I don't hear.

Listen to this.

Listen.

This is so funny how fucked up this is.

Listen to what happens when I try and call him.

This is our waiting-free dough.

I think the cell phone towers down.

Oh.

No, there it goes.

You gotta ring.

Oh, sick.

Yeah.

Okay.

Get those headphones on.

Take it out, bitch.

It's ringing.

It rang once.

No,

I legitimately think the fucking cell phone tower's down.

It's like there's a problem, and then they give me some error code.

This is a bitch.

Not a bit.

I don't know how to fucking make this problem.

We're so fucked, dude.

We got this.

I don't know how to make it.

We could legit edit this part.

Like, for real.

Maybe.

You gotta be fucking kidding me.

No, I think the storm knocked out a cell phone tower or something.

Welcome to Verizon Wireless.

We're unable to complete your call.

To speak to a customer service representative, please hang up in dial star 611.

Announcement: 3500.

Location 8-0-5-0-2.

Should we try to do that?

Yeah, I guess I should call customer service.

And we should ask them.

Should we call you try Adam's?

Alright, yeah, we can try Adam's song.

Give me your phone.

Cool.

I'm going to save his number.

I don't know why I didn't think of this before.

You talk for a second while I plug the wire.

So anyway, we're sorry about that, folks.

This really sucks for us more than you.

I know this is probably not very good.

Honestly, we could just edit this.

There's no reason to talk right now.

I don't say that we as if I'm Nick, you don't have I'll edit it, bitch.

You say, send me the fucking falls, bitch.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

Shut the fuck up.

How are we looking?

It's ringing.

Sick.

But you might not pick up because Vegas, man.

It's not a trustworthy number.

We can try mine next.

Hold on.

But my phone's fucked.

I'm so nervous.

Alright, maybe this will work.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello, can you hear me?

Yes, can you hear me?

Yeah, I can hear you now.

Okay.

Okay.

I'm assuming that was you who called earlier.

Yeah, did it not?

I was getting some like,

I'm like, dead serious.

There was, I guess there was some like cell phone tower error code.

Every time I called, it would tell me to hang up and call customer service.

Holy shit.

Is it David Cross?

This is customer service.

Oh, shit.

Is it David Cross at customer service?

This is customer service for David Cross, yes.

I'm employed by David Cross.

What is he doing?

Okay.

Well, we've got David Cross's customer service on the phone.

Oh, okay.

Okay.

Well, that's just as good.

That's fine.

I mean,

we'll work with that.

I have to just let you know up front,

I'm here.

My name is Nick.

I spoke with David, and we planned on calling around 5.30.

I actually did

dial the number at 5.30, but then there was that error code.

So I apologize that we're a couple minutes late.

But I'm here.

My friend Adam is here.

Hi.

Hi, David.

How's it going?

What's not David?

It's customer service.

Oh, hi, Custie.

No, no, it is.

I mean, it is me.

I'm acting as my own customer service representative.

That's just

I save some money.

You know, I try to do that Monday, Wednesdays, and Fridays.

Wow.

If you call on Tuesday and Thursday, you'll get

Desi, who's the regular customer service.

Well, I guess I'm regular because I do like five out of, or three out of five times, but

Desi acts as the customer service rep when I'm not doing it or vice versa, I guess.

Well, thank you, thank you for taking the call.

Um, so I mean, I do have to like apologize.

Do you have a complaint or is there something you want to register?

Uh well, I don't, it's it's not a complaint about you, but I guess we do have like a bit of a communication issue.

We unfortunately only have one set of headphones to plug into the Four Track.

This is mostly your

with me, if that helps.

Well, we would need them here.

That's the problem.

Okay.

I could.

What's he saying?

Let me think here.

I am.

I'm in.

I'm upstate right now in New York.

Excuse me, bro.

There's not the best direct route.

I mean, if I left...

Well, I can't.

I've got

a kit.

What?

We only have like an hour to do our podcast, and then there's a frozen yogurt place in the store.

We're going to get them to you

in that kind of time.

I mean, they'd have to be like helicoptered in, and then the helicopters didn't even land.

They'd have to literally

hover over where you are and drop them from a height, and they might break.

So, that's not going to work.

Okay, well, we actually plan to only use the one set of headphones.

Oh, well, then what's the plan?

Oh, sorry.

I was just explaining the plan is where I'm going to use the headphones, and then Adam is here.

Adam Friedland.

If yeah, if you can you hear Adam, you have to scream.

Hi, David.

Uh, nice to meet you.

Can you hear him?

Uh, yeah, it's a little uh muffled because of the yelling.

Yeah, it's a little bit.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, he's on the other side of the room.

And then,

well, can he come closer?

Yeah, Adam can come closer.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hi.

Hi.

But then we have a third guy here.

Hello, big fan.

Stop.

My name's Stavros.

Yeah, Stavros is also here.

Did you say thank you?

No.

Okay.

So, am I supposed to wear the headphones or not?

No, see, I'm wearing one of the ears, and then I'm going to share the other ear with Adam and Stavros.

And we're really just explaining.

I think as far as us goes, the four of us, this will sort of work seamlessly.

It'll take a couple of seconds to figure out the ins and outs of how this will work.

And then it's mostly just to explain.

There's only four of you guys there.

There's three of us here, but then you is four.

And this is mostly.

Got it, got it, got it.

Yeah, the exposition is all for the audience.

This is,

you know, so they.

Am I supposed to be...

I'm not supposed to be there with you.

No, no, no.

We wanted to do it over the phone.

So this actually, it's.

Okay, got it.

Yeah.

All right, then

this seems to be going.

Because to be honest with you, you're our first phone guest, and we wanted to sort of have a dry run with someone that was small enough to like.

Hey, come on.

Come on, dude.

What's fuck, dude?

He can hear you.

Yeah, so we just yeah, we we want to like uh just see make sure it works.

And I I mean it's going well.

So um yeah, you don't want to shoot your wad on like uh

you know a a a Seth Rogan or something like that.

Right.

Yeah.

Well, we don't this is it.

I get it.

This is actually not even really much of like a comedy podcast.

We have last week we had on um

uh m uh Amber Frost who's she writes stuff and uh she's my roommate.

She I pay rent to her but she's like a journalist and

Brexit.

Yeah, so yeah, we did like a whole episode on like on Brett on Brexit.

Have you heard of that?

It's like the political stuff we do.

Shampoo.

Yeah, I guess we could talk about

if there's a shampoo crisis,

anything, yeah, like political stuff.

But you are like, it's an honor to have you on.

We're all,

you know, we're all fans.

Me and Adam and Stavros.

Big fans.

Big, big fans.

I think you're doing great.

I think Seth Rogan will respond to that.

That's a smart thing to say up front.

Do you have his number or something?

Say what?

Go ahead, Adam.

Do you have his number or email?

Yeah, yeah.

It's 213-698.

Yeah.

1842.

Okay.

Thanks, man.

Thank you.

What was that?

What did he say?

Seth Rogan's number.

But

we should intro you for.

I love Pineapple Express, man.

We should intro you for our guests on the show, or I mean our listeners who listen to the show who may not be familiar.

David Cross is

probably like

our biggest guest so far.

He's sure.

He's been on television.

He's been in feature films.

Do you have a book?

Radio.

I've done radio.

He's done radio.

Have you authored any

feature radio?

I've done

feature podcasts.

you know, PSAs, I did PSA.

Okay, so you're no stranger to the podcast format.

So on the upfront, you know, you just intro the guests, and tell us some of your like your biggest hits.

What are your big hits?

In what sense?

I'm not sure.

Like if they did,

if they were like,

if they were like, here's the guy, and then here's like, play the hits, you know, and then they pointed at you,

like a presumably like an audience of some kind.

Well, I don't,

you know, I'm not a m I don't I don't

have

I don't have hits per se.

Um

like top like I as a as a

comedian, I don't we don't kind of rank our

jokes that way.

There's no like chart,

I guess, if that's what you're doing.

That's really interesting.

I'm just gonna,

and as a comedian, you're like your top ten lists.

They don't, they prefer, comedians will prefer not to do top ten lists.

Who's your favorite band, then?

Well, no, that's not, that's not what I said.

I, I, I just say we don't prefer to do, I just say they don't chart, there's no, you can't, um,

you can't really keep track of a

you don't purchase, you don't

a joke isn't like a commodity that's

available or

you don't remember your top hits then?

No, he's saying he really remembers them, he just they don't you don't rank them.

It's like if you had children, you wouldn't be like, hey, you know, John's the best and Stevie's the worst, even though, you know, Stevie has like, you know, mental disability or something.

You would say they're the same.

Even though in your heart, I love both of them, even though one of them is better.

Yeah, I guess that analogy would apply if you were to re-rank your kids weekly, but

that doesn't really happen.

And I guess unless there was an introduction of a new kid every once in a while.

Yeah, that's not the best

analogy, really.

But yeah, just to go back, there's no,

I would,

you know, I'd probably just sort of give them a funny look and say, what are you talking about?

Okay.

Somebody asked me to name my top hits.

Let's talk for a second about

Starguns, Cars Toling.

Well, we'll talk about that.

But

many people might be familiar with you from a little thing called Mr.

Show.

And I would be lying if I said that I haven't seen an episode or two.

And

I'm certain that

my friends here I've watched a lot on YouTube.

Yeah, I've seen a lot on YouTube.

Yeah, we're fans of the show.

But for listeners that may not be familiar, why don't you can you tell us

a little bit about that?

Sure.

It was a sketch show that ran for a couple of years with Bob Odenkirk and a bunch of other talented, funny folks

back in the mid-90s, to late 90s, I guess,

on HBO.

And HBO, that stands for Home Box Office.

Is that correct?

I haven't really checked in, but it used to.

I don't know if that's changed.

I know they have

King of Thrones on now, so I don't know if that's a good idea.

Yeah, it might be like one of those

KFC situation where it used to be Kentucky Fried Chicken, and then the government actually made them change it because

the chickens are so genetically modified that they're not illegally

they're not allowed to call them chickens anymore.

Did you know that?

Yeah, thank you for it.

I saw it.

It could be on one of those sites that I visit when I get drunk, websites.

I thought it was

Kinder.

It's not Kinder Fried Chicken.

There's Kentucky Fried Chicken and then there's Kennedy Fried Chicken.

Right.

But only one of them is KFC.

KFC was the one that used to be

Kentucky Fried Chicken, and then they shortened it.

And now they brought Colonel Sanders, who was their

mascot.

They brought him back, and now, sort of to come full circle, they have comedians playing Colonel Sanders.

Is that something you would be interested in doing?

You know, it d I I mean, it totally depends.

I doubt it, but

you know,

I think if things progress the way they've been progressing, given time, I might

have no other choice but to

accept that offer if that was to be made.

But I mean, I could also hold out for Kennedy Fry Chicken.

I'd be that mascot, too.

I don't agree with all of her

points,

and I haven't seen every show she's done.

I know she's on Fox and

I mean, maybe I'd hold off.

No, I don't think it's I don't think it's named after her.

Uh

Kennedy.

But her name is Kennedy.

Yeah, and she's the only one that's still alive.

Is she a part of that family?

Do you know?

The

Kentucky Price.

Kennedy, is she one of the Ken?

Probably you know what, folks?

Probably Kennedy.

I mean the political

yeah yeah.

The only Kennedy that should be murdered.

Am I right?

She's the only Kennedy that not be murdered.

Yeah.

I guess a brain tumor counts as a type of murder.

Yeah, I mean, if you, if, yeah, I mean, that's,

you know, God is a murderer in a sense.

Sure.

Yeah.

Hold on one second.

Adam, we're talking about Kennedy from Fox News.

Adam, currently, the earbuds situation is I have one and stock.

I have one now too.

Yeah.

I have no earbuds.

Adam.

You're saying, Dave.

Adam has no earbuds.

So we were just catching him up on that.

So obviously you're not a big fan of Fox News.

Are you like a Bernie Sanders guy?

Yeah, I was.

Oh, you gave up on him?

Well, I don't think he has any

viable course to become president.

It's not like I gave up on him.

Because I'm thinking about voting for him still.

Okay, well, that's your prerogative.

How about this Trump guy?

You know,

I mean, come on.

What do you think about him?

You know, I mean,

I wouldn't.

So who's your second choice?

You're going Hillary then if you can't get.

Did you tell him I got a dog?

Not yet.

I mean,

part of me is interested in Kennedy, you know?

Yeah.

That would be pretty.

Maybe that's what I was getting at.

Yeah.

You know?

A sexy lady president.

How about that?

Yeah, like a

kind of a

female contrarian.

Yeah.

That would be cool.

A sexy lady.

You probably do pretty well with the honeys

as a celebrity.

Well, I'm married, so.

Oh, but before, yeah, like, but before you were married.

You know, I

certainly

hung out with a bunch of honeys.

Who's the

who's the hottest woman you've ever fucked?

Come on, Stav.

Don't be gross.

I want to know, man.

Everyone wants to know.

Well, we're having a political, you know, you kind of started that, honestly.

I just made a comment.

You know, there's, I'm doing like, you didn't even let him answer, you know.

I'm sorry.

Go ahead, Mr.

Cross.

I apologize.

It's all right.

You know, I'm not going to, I'm not going to

really get into that.

I I I have too much respect for um the women in the past.

Uh

um

what do you think you say women in the past?

You mean oh Alyssa Milano.

Nice, nice, man.

That's whoa,

wow, dude, dude.

I beat off the charmed all the time when I was younger.

Charmed, what's the one

Embrace of the Vampire?

Have you seen that movie?

No.

She is.

I I didn't hear exactly what you said, but I heard the word vampire, so I'm definitely

in a movie.

I think it's Embrace of a Vampire.

Oh, yeah, she's completely nude.

Oh, those are awesome.

She's also

underage in the Joey Botafuco movie.

Nice.

Which, that's just a tidbit I happen to know about her.

Not that that adds any appeal.

What was he saying?

Sure, sure, sure.

He's not saying anything right now.

Adam's got it, by the way, guys.

I don't have it.

I can't hear you.

Hi, David.

I just got a dog,

and I don't know if I should change the dog's name.

What is the dog's name currently?

Isis.

I wouldn't.

I mean,

is it named after the terrorist group or the old TV show with the lady?

I don't know.

I just,

she's from bedside.

She's like used in dog fights.

She's a pit bull.

And my friend rescued her, and then he had to get rid of her because his landlord wouldn't let him have it.

So I took it to my apartment.

And I just call her icy pretty much, but you know, I don't know.

I feel like if I change it, then the terrorists sort of win, you know, so I don't really know what to do.

Sure.

Yeah.

Yeah, and it's also going to give the dog a complex, too.

And it teaches the dog, you know, exactly that, that the that

fear and terror work.

So,

you know, you can maybe get another,

you can

continue to call her Isis, and then if people get upset, you can say, you know, when the dog is out of earshot, you can say, oh no,

you must have misheard me.

Her name is Mises.

Mysis.

Yeah, because I was in the dog park, and I said, I got a phone call, and I said, I'm training with Isis right now.

Right.

Yeah, you can you could probably see how that might come off.

He did, dude.

Nice.

Uh David thinks I should keep that.

Nice.

Um thank you for the input on on that.

Uh I apologize if that's sort of unrelated.

Um

we're not gonna ask him about fucking Stav's car.

My car got stolen recently and I dunno.

Have you ever had that happen?

Could you please respect I'm sorry, but we have hand signals set up so that that uh Adam and Stavros understand when it's appropriate to speak or not.

And uh

he's just not he's not f uh sorry.

Go ahead.

Ask him about I'm sorry, Stavros asked you a question about his fucking car, so we'll do that.

Uh, my car got my car got stolen recently.

I mean, I didn't want to, but Adam kind of put me on the spot.

Um, so yeah, my car got stolen.

Did that did that ever happen to you?

Uh, yes.

That sucks, right?

Um, yeah, it wasn't the

wasn't the greatest thing to have happened to me, no.

What kind of car was it?

A Honda Civic.

Holy shit!

Dude,

mine was a Honda Civic, too.

Yeah.

Stop those Honda Civic boys.

Dude, this is big pop.

What color?

It was a silver.

98, though?

Maybe it was, you know.

Mine was a 98.

When did yours get stolen?

I had an older one.

This would have been

probably 95.

No, but what year was the car?

Oh, shit.

I don't know.

93?

Maybe.

Oh, fuck.

All right.

Okay.

You were hoping it was the same year.

Whatever, man.

Yeah, that would have been cool.

If you guys had the same, like, imagine if you guys had the same exact type of car and they both happened to get stolen.

Yeah.

And we, I mean, we could

go to those meetings together, I guess.

What kind of car do you drive now?

Toyota Highlander.

Toyota Highlander.

That's a great vehicle.

That's good.

A lot of room.

Thank you.

Well, you know what?

Thank you so much for coming on.

You're an inspiration to us.

And, you know.

Did you have any questions for us?

Well, yeah, if you have any questions for us, or if there's anything you want to plug or anything.

You know, I have

zero questions for you.

None.

And I let me give it a second.

City has zero questions for us.

No, I don't have any.

I can't.

I don't anticipate ever having

any questions for you.

That's all right.

It could be general.

It could be general.

That'd be specific.

It's okay.

But yeah, man, thanks for coming on.

We look forward to hearing and seeing all about stuff coming up.

And,

you know, sorry about the tech issues or whatever, but we're trying our best.

And, you know, I mean, sometimes in life, you just got to you.

You just make it work.

So, you know,

thanks for hanging out with us.

And we'll see you on the flip side.

Sure.

I'm happy to be part of the experiment.

And I truly believe you when you say you are trying your best.

I believe this is

literally the best that you can do.

All right.

Thanks, man.

I actually don't.

I don't know.

I can't hang up the phone.

No, you hang up.

Yeah, we're doing like a no-you hang up.

He probably won't even.

He probably wants to keep talking.

Oh, he hung up.

All right.

Well,

did you hang up?

Nope.

Oh, shit.

It's Adam's phone.

So if.

Can you tell

here?

Adam, can you help and the call?

Thank you.

Yeah, so I just, David, they said thank you for being on the podcast.

I just want to say thank you from me.

Just they didn't say that.

I was saying thank you.

So

I just like how

they're not

emotionally capable or physically capable or maybe even legally capable of hanging up a phone that's not theirs.

I don't know who he's talking about.

He had to do

the pin number before I could get to the button, but we can hang up now.

Yes.

So whenever you're ready, we're going to hang up the phone.

Okay.

Oh, you have my number now, so if you want to text me or.

and I'll just shoot you a text on Adam's number.

All right, and then I'll give you a second.

See you later.

Thanks for coming in, man.

Okay, we did it.

Oh, yeah, man.

Yo, that was good.

That was fucking tight.

I think that went good.

Yeah, dude.

That went great.

Yo, sick.

I love you guys, man.

We fucking kidding.

This is honestly, I didn't think this was going to go anywhere.

We did it.

We talked to him.

I think he seemed a little mad at the end.

He was doing a bit, I think.

Was he?

People like that are always on.

He's always on.

He's always on.

Oh, okay.

That went great.

Yeah, I think we had a great time with that.

And

we're building relationships.

It's kind of cool.

In the industry, man.

Yeah.

So I guess we're going to take a break and then come back with the second half.

Yeah.

Just like a recap.

Talk about the coupe.

Yeah, we got to talk about the coop, and then we, guys, not to fucking get your hopes up, but we might give a little minister David Cross a call back.

See what else he has to say.

Yeah, that'd be awesome.

All right.

Later.

The grandson of Kwai Chang-Kane walks out of the past.

But I want to fight.

Yes.

So did your great-grandfather when he was your age.

He teaches his son wisdom at a Shaolin temple.

An evil force destroyed that temple.

Father and son each each believed the other had perished.

15 years later, they were reunited.

Now Cain faced new challenges.

And his son grew up.

Look, I'm not my father.

I don't do kung fu.

I'm a cop.

That's who I am.

That's what I do.

I am Kane.

I will help you.

And we're back, ladies and germs.

That was great.

That was fantastic.

That was like Mark Marin level good.

We got in there.

I didn't think that with the headphones, with only you being able to hear and then Stav and I having to switch off who could hear, I didn't think it would work.

But it was pretty seamless, honestly.

Yeah, we had a positive attitude, and I think that's really what

David, you know, liked about him.

Yeah, no,

I think he understood that we're like young guys trying to make it.

Young Alphas on the up-and-coming show.

AlphaPreneurs.

AlphaPreneurs.

Do you guys are not doing that?

Can we guys, hold on, shut the fuck up for a second.

Do you know where Alphrepreneur comes from?

From Dan Belzarian?

No.

I mean, maybe it does.

But the reference I'm talking about this week, it's not Dan Belazarian.

It's the fucking guy that shot up those cops in Baton Rouge.

Did he invented that term?

Dude, have you not been paying attention to Cosmo?

No.

Convos with Cosmo?

He had his own podcast.

What?

What?

He was all over social media.

Dude, the guy who killed those cops?

The guy who shot all those cops in Baton Rouge was like a fucking, he was like a black Twitter.

I guess they're called Hotep guys, which is like an umbrella term, from what I can tell from context, is like an umbrella term for

like black people that were like, oh, the Greeks?

Yeah, the Greek gods?

Slow down.

The Greek gods, I think you mean the African gods because all the Greeks were actually black.

Oh,

that's true.

As a Greek man, I can tell you that's true.

Excuse me, Beethoven.

Ludwig von Beethoven?

I think you mean Blackvig von Beethoven Beethoven because he was actually a black man.

You see, that's the thing, man.

These devils, they tell tell you in their schools that George Washington was a white man.

Surprise, he was black.

And he made peanut butter.

Somebody used to do, I think it was, who's that?

I think it was Wessel Schmidt used to do that as a bit.

I don't know who he was.

Some comic.

One of those edgy, like, fucking open-minded guys.

I think it was him.

Used to do a bit that's like, yeah, apparently I found out some fucked up shit about one of the founding fathers.

You know, they all did racist stuff, but apparently George Washington used to like go around and blackface and fuck around with peanuts.

That's a good bit.

Yeah, it's hilarious.

That's funny.

Which actually, I was on an interesting website the other day,

Black Invention Myths.

We have to.

That's the only stipulation for using the Anthony Cumiya Studios is we have to go on that website once a week.

By the way, folks, the Anthony Cumiya Studios only has one set of headphones in the whole studio.

In the whole studio.

We actually use the studio, but we're not allowed to use their equipment.

That's the rule.

Because we're too woke.

We're in the bathroom at the Anthea Cumia studio.

Yeah, we're in the JV.

No,

George Washington Carver didn't invent peanut butter.

That's not true.

Really?

Yeah.

No,

he did do experiments with peanut butter, but like,

you know, he was just a guy.

And they do that all the time.

They're like, oh, fuck, we need a black history guy.

Like, how about him?

Why him always?

He's a big guy.

He was a big-ass scientist.

I love him.

Wasn't he like castrated or some shit?

I think they cut his balls off.

That's what I heard.

No, that was the guy.

They took away his nuts.

I just did with the truth.

I just cast truth castrated George Washington Carver.

That was Benedict's Cumberbatch from the code.

His voice when he broke the code.

His voice was too deep.

No, I really think it was too deep.

I castrated that guy.

I think, I don't know, dude, I was watching something on YouTube that said something about...

I think a Hotep guy was behind it.

Sorry, I just ate a Pop-Tart, and it ain't agreeing with me.

We all shared a pop-tart during the break.

You know what?

People were

very interested in the break music from last time.

The break.

Did you listen to it?

I listened to it.

Because people have been asking me if you're interested.

It's Explosive Impact featuring the theme song of the TV show Nightman.

And Explosive Impact is a rant that some Autistic Kid uploaded to YouTube like 10 years ago and people just kept downloading it and re-uploading it.

Nightman?

Nightman.

It was a TV show.

You know how like superhero movies?

Wasn't your name on Facebook Nightmare?

It was for a while?

Put that back in the thing.

Tell me what the fuck to do, bitch.

But don't lose that shit.

I'm doing it.

You're going to fucking leave it on that chair and lose it.

I'm doing it, but not because you told me to.

All right.

No, Nightman was a.

So, you know how we have

all this popularity with superhero shit now?

They tried to do that in the 90s and it failed.

And they did it with shit like,

and when I say all the superhero shit, I mean like, you know, Deadpool.

Like, no one knows what the fuck Deadpool is.

Right.

Guardians of the Galaxy.

All these like

deep cut fucking, you know, comic book shit and make it mainstream.

And they did that in the 90s with The Tick.

I remember the tick.

Tick, the Fox Show.

That was good.

That was actually good.

They did it.

Spawn?

Tick was yet.

Well, Spawn was super popular.

Yeah.

Spawn was new.

Spawn was new.

Spawn is the only comic book I've ever read.

Stop is like literally shitting himself.

He thinks it's funny, but he's going to shit himself.

Off my.

He's wearing cargo shorts.

They ain't got no fucking cargoes.

You keep the turds in them pockets.

You got to hold him on your pockets for the turds.

But no, they did that in the 90s with the tick and the shadow and the phantom and freakazoid.

Yeah, well, no, again, freakazoid.

You know what you're talking about.

So,

Autistic Nick getting mad.

Yeah.

Well, I'm not even a fucking comic book guy.

It's just like, you know, read the fucking Wikipedia page, man.

Read every single day.

Reading is every single Wikipedia page.

Reading is gay.

That's my stance, and you know that.

Yeah, I feel the same way.

That's why it's a podcast, dude.

You get to listen.

You don't have to read it.

That's actually brilliant, dude.

We should type it in.

That must be the appeal.

Yeah, we should.

We should transcribe it.

We should just type it in.

And sell it as a fucking book.

What were you saying about Nightman, though?

Oh, yeah.

So Nightman is about, so it was a TV show, and Nightman was a TV show about a guy who

he he's a jazz musician

who got struck by lightning.

Oh, hell no.

And now he can hear evil.

And then he also just becomes Batman.

So he has like all this fucking like techni he can fly all of a sudden and he has all this equipment.

But like that wasn't part of getting struck by lightning.

I mean, I'm sure they explain it, but nobody gives a shit.

And

and the the intro music is great and what I loved about the show is like I guess you I'm pretty sure it was on UPN

there was like a period where Dodge was like trying to promote or like all like all these like Mopar cars were promoted through television series where they had the new Knight Riders and that was like there was the the new Dodge Durango was on that and then they had Nightman was it what's that the new night rider uh no it was in the mid-90s it was like night riders there was a night Rider reboot in the 90s with all like, and I think it might have all been all fucking like Chrysler vehicles.

But

yeah, so it was,

yeah, that was, then there was a show called Viper, which we have talked about before.

Yeah, like Viper, because that was like the break music on a couple episodes ago.

Yeah, yeah.

And then on Nightman, Nightman's car was the Plymouth Prowler.

You remember that?

That was a beautiful

open wheel layout fucking piece of shit.

Yeah, like teardrop cars.

Yeah.

Were they all purple?

They were all purple.

And then in the last model year, yeah, the last model year they had like yellow.

But for the first like two or three years.

Yeah, it was all all.

Are you setting up like a funny bit?

All right.

Are you just telling information?

No, I was talking about something else, but I was explaining one thing, and then you interrupt me, and I have to expound upon it, and then you interrupt me again, and then I get this backlog of shit I need to fucking mention.

I'm not setting up a bit.

We already had David Cross in the first seven.

You know what?

If you don't want to hear me talk about fucking cars, then turn off the fucking podcast.

What's your favorite car?

My favorite car of all time?

Yeah.

1987 Buick GNX.

I don't know.

They're just cool.

They're cool.

What do they look like?

They're cool in like that, like,

you know, like 80s, like

a muscle revival sort of way.

It's was like a bunch of big piece of shit old sedans that they had like performance versions of.

That one's cool.

The 83 Hearst Cutlass is pretty cool.

Hearst?

Yeah, Hearst.

They were like,

William Randolph Hearst, the

paper man.

Yeah, no, it's different.

It's a Hearst for W-P-H-U-R-S D.

No, not a Hearst.

Speaking of Hearst, we should watch Newsies sometime.

Not part of the podcast, just three of us.

Just newsies?

As guys.

Just get together and watch newsies.

Only if we see a fucking broadway play dude uh

well i want to watch the christian bale version no i want to watch the movie christian i want to i want to watch the christian bale version before he had muscles so i can obsessively monitor his progress in between that

he straight up he made the mechanist before he did batman is that how you pronounce it

the the mechanist

the machinist

i said it right dude i just said it english yeah he did the machinist yeah before he did

batman begins

And in that movie...

Shut the fuck up.

No, it's true.

Dude, he did American Psycho before Batman Begins.

He did...

Oh, you're right.

He did Maconist.

American Psycho.

Then he did Machinist.

Machinist.

He did the Mac.

There's no

reason you should be pronouncing it that way.

How do you pronounce the pianist?

Is it Pionist?

Do you say

Adrian Brody and the Pionist?

Okay, it's first of all, it's the pianist.

Second of all,

Adrian Brody and the Machinist.

What's so difficult about words?

You got the Machinist, you got Pirates of the Caribbean.

Say it's the Mackinist again?

It's the Machinist.

That would be like a great slogan for Kraft Mac and Cheese.

It's the Machinist.

It's the Machinist, baby.

With that dinosaur.

Teammate.

What dinosaur?

Oh, the mac and cheese dinosaur.

The dinosaur that is

as far as I'm concerned, gender fluid.

The craft mac and cheese dinosaur, they never actually tell you what gender the dinosaur is.

And they do a very good.

I think Kraft

deliberately obscured the gender of the dinosaur.

So that everyone would want to fucking.

Well, you know, I mean, I was a very forward-thinking company in the 1990s for them to do that.

Kraft?

Kraft, yeah.

But no, what were we talking about?

I don't fucking.

Adam, you were saying something.

Oh, so he was in the Macinist.

Can I have the bottom half of that Pop-Tart?

It's gone, so I've ate it.

He

He farted it first of all, motherfuckers after I had the least amount of Pop-Tart here.

All right, let's just get that straight for the listeners.

I love that the wrapper that Pop-Tarts come in.

This is like

silk.

Well, it's like, yeah, it's like this

very thin tin foil.

But it's plastic.

It's like the shit that the astronaut stuff.

Like, it looks like it belongs to the airport.

Like, astronaut blankets.

Yeah.

I like how everything NASA ever made just wound up at Sharper Image at some point.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I heard they didn't even eat ice cream.

That's really like, yeah, why are they so smart, dude?

If they just.

NASA, yeah.

Yeah.

They just had fancy mattresses and like,

you know.

Shut up, NASA.

Stop.

And yo, and NASA, stop fucking listening to my phone calls without my permission, dude.

Fuck you.

All right, yo.

Oh, yeah.

So you got this place called NASA.

NASA, they like listen to phone calls, emails, dude.

There's a brother named N-word Snowman.

The medicine.

My man N-word Snowman be telling people to NASA.

You're for real?

Yeah, who are you?

My man hipping in my house, yeah.

Paul Mooney, 2016.

Yo, Paul Mooney and Ralph should have their own TV show.

Yo, this is some good shit, yeah.

So anyway, Christian Bell was in the Mackinus, and he lost all this weight for this movie, right?

He gets super skinny in it, and he like locked himself in a hotel.

He was just smoking cigarettes and chewing gum to get down to that weight and drinking drinking water he actually ate a can of tuna and an apple a day bitch that's it that's all he ate

you have to eat something you got to eat something yeah no all he was eating was a can of tuna and an apple every day holy and he got down to like 110 pounds or something yeah psycho 110 and then like six months later he showed up for production on batman begins like

225 jack like he had to have done so many steroids

well it's not that he did steroids i mean steroids can only do so much for you.

It's that, like, he had already been jacked prior to that movie coming out, prior to the machinist.

So he lost all that weight and then went to put the weight back on.

And, like, you still have, like,

you know, I mean, your body's just readjusting to where it was.

So it's like he had some sort of tragedy happen.

You know, he got lost at sea.

Right.

And then his body, like, rehapped itself.

But, like, a regular person, I don't think, could gain that much weight in, like, seven months.

I think you could.

Yeah.

You should try it, dude.

You should.

You should get jacked.

You just got, yeah, Adam, just tell him about the deal you got, dude.

We're actually sponsored by Optimum Nutrition now.

So, no.

I got an Optimum Nutrition weight gainer on Amazon Prime Day.

It's called Sirius Mass.

Siri.

Folks, the serious part means fucking serious.

Yeah.

It's 1,300 calories per serving.

Yeah.

Per scoop?

Per scoop.

Per serving.

That's it.

No, no, it's two scoops in a serving.

Still, Jesus.

That's a fucking Chipotle burrito and a half.

Yeah.

Shut the fuck up.

Siri just

yelled at me.

Would you get Ember Alert?

No, she said,

they thought I said this year is part means fucking serious.

It's 1,300 calories.

Reserve the scoop scoop.

And then she said, reserve that scoop scoop.

Reserve the scoop scoop sounds like a term.

A hood term.

An herb.

An scoop.

Reserve that scoop scoop.

Scoop, scoop.

Weight gainer.

Yeah, weight gainer.

Jesus, I look at my phone for two seconds and you guys just stopped speaking.

Well, no, we were talking.

I said, reserve the scoop, scoop.

Scoop, scoop.

Reserve the scoop, scoop.

Oh, no, we got to talk about this shooting guy, man.

The fucking Baton Rouge shoot.

Oh, that's what we were talking about.

Oh, yeah, that's how we got here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's how we got the night, man.

No, so he has a podcast.

We listened to one episode of, or like 30 seconds ago.

It's much better than our podcast.

It's much better than our podcast.

It's so much better than our podcast.

He's got a guy at the intro that's like, are you ready to stop being a bitch?

To stop letting people get the best of you?

Are you ready to become an alfrepreneur?

Well, get ready for convos with Cosmo.

And then he's like, you know, then

who?

Cosmo?

I mean, I...

assume so.

I assume if you shoot, yeah, if you shoot the police, they're going to be like, you know, even if if you surrender, they're not going to let you surrender.

And you never surrender.

I'd go out.

But yeah, dude, he's got a podcast.

He's got YouTube videos.

This guy was great.

And you know what's funny is you see that like the social justice tweets that he was retweeting over the last couple of weeks and they're the same tweets that like your friends.

Like your friends are retweeting.

And his like opinions and shit are identical to

people that are loud on social media.

But hey, he was the guy with courage.

He finally did something about it.

You know what I mean?

Everybody can talk, but it's one thing to be an look.

An alpha has a gun, okay?

But an alpha preneur murders the police with it.

You got to take the initiative.

You got to think, okay, I got a gun.

What can I do with this gun?

Defend myself?

Beta.

How about I invent a new way to use the gun?

Does he

have like a company other than promoting himself?

Like, what was he an entrepreneur of?

Just fucking.

Dude, he's out there.

He's fucking

selling

waist trainers.

I told you about that guy I knew from

Tony told me about this guy from high school he caught up with who's like, yo, I got a lifestyle brand.

It's called like Mick Davids or something.

Yes, dude.

And basically, it was like two t-shirts, like streetwear kind of t-shirts.

This is a good story.

He sells online for like $120, you know, for this shitty t-shirt.

And anyway, he had an Instagram account up and basically two t-shirts and maybe stickers that he put on like polls.

And then he's like, hashtag poll, hashtag lifestyle brand, hashtag, you know.

So anyway, McDonald's finds out about it.

It wasn't McDavids, I was something with McD something.

And they find out about it.

They're like, well,

it's our policy typically to buy all registered trademarks and brands that start

kidding.

So they like made him a $40,000 offer.

What?

And

he

looked them square in the eye and said, I'm going to have to pass.

Are you fucking joking?

Holy shit.

You know that guy's at a bar being like, yeah, they caned me.

They tried to buy it, but not my baby.

Yeah.

I'm going to make it big with McD's.

Yo, this is a lifestyle brand, bro.

You know, we got t-shirts, stickers.

We got tank tops coming soon.

You remember Chris Berilick?

Yeah.

Chris Berilik was this nerd comedian in D.C.

Oh, he's listening to Sam for a while.

Like before, everyone was a fucking nerd comedian.

Oh, yeah.

He was the guy.

Oh, fuck.

We're all drinking Sparkle.

We're drinking bubbly water.

I'm drinking growing up in my mouth.

But

so fucking cool.

Yeah.

Chris Berlick.

Chris Berlick, he was like the nerd comedian in D.C.

before that was a thing.

Truly.

And that is who that guy is.

Because D.C., ten years ago, half the comedians were like black guys who wore Kangle hats.

Woo!

Woo!

Chappelle!

I knew, I mean, I remember Chappelle.

He was staying.

Dave used to stand right over there, and I was staying over here.

And those were the days, man.

That's how I went down.

I was staying right here.

I was standing right here.

Me and him were boys, but you know, I never looked him in the eye.

He was 14.

Sometimes Tony Woods called me a faggot, but that was it.

But yeah, so, yeah, Chris, he would like, he would grab the microphone with both hands, and all of his jokes would be, and then

all the way to the fucking castle where the princess is.

Like the punchline is always some, you know, rant or whatever.

I was friends with him, but he was, you know, like fully autistic.

You know, like a nerd.

And there was a sh.

No reason.

No, no, no.

There's a point to it.

I'm just saying.

It ties into this lifestyle brand thing.

Is there was a show called Beauty and the Geek that came out.

Yeah.

And Chris at the time was running a thing called The Geeks of Comedy.

It was like a tour.

And he did, like, I do geek comedy.

I'm a geek.

and I make geek jokes for geeks.

And they like performed at like Comic-Con and shit.

And like, you know, like, that was the image he put forward.

And Beauty and the Geek, it was like this reality show.

On the show, they make the geeks do stand-up as like part of the show.

And, you know, and then they pair you with like a really fucking hot woman to fuck.

And the geeks don't look bad at all.

I mean, that's like the theme of the show.

It wasn't like mean-spirited.

And they approached Chris and they were like, You'd be perfect for the show.

And he's like, Oh, I just don't want to be known for that.

And it's like, then you already are, you fucking idiot.

And he like, he turned it down.

That's crazy.

He turned it down, and then they asked him again.

They like came back and asked him again.

He turned it down again.

Did you ever talk about on the pod about that dude you know with the t-shirt company with the hot shake with

the sig?

Oh, who is that?

No, yeah, it was some guy I went to high school with.

He had, like, he'd like, he fucking, I don't know, he just didn't really do much in college and got some bullshit degree.

And then I think he, like, I guess eventually graduated with, like, a graphic design degree.

And so he started like a t-shirt company.

And his t-shirts are online.

They're all fucking like.

I mean, they're just, you know, it's the same bullshit.

Was it like Marilyn Monroe or something?

Yeah, yeah, that was it.

One of them was like, it was like a fucking.

But she had face tattoos?

Nah, it was like a fucking.

It wasn't Marilyn Lonroe.

Who was it?

It was Audrey Hepburn.

Hell yeah.

It was Audrey Hepburn smoking a cigarette and then the fucking title of the shirt.

And it's just a picture of her and then screen printed.

And it just, it's called like a chick with sig.

Yeah, that was good.

That's great.

Yeah.

I wish I knew how to screen print, actually.

That's like good for like merch on the road.

We could learn?

No, you can't.

I tried.

What do you mean?

I mean, I can't.

I tried.

You know, I got a fucking, my roommate had a screen printer, and I tried to figure out how to do that shit.

It's difficult.

Why are we not, why do we keep losing the issue here, which is how

Cosmo?

You gave you so much gold, and you're like, fucking, oh, what about this other thing?

What about the turkey coop?

Yeah.

Turkey coop.

You know what I always thought was crazy, dude?

Check this out.

I'm listening.

They got a country called Turkey.

Uh-huh.

They got another one called Hungary.

Put those together.

Yeah.

Which seems like we solve all the world's problems.

Yeah, we'll have full

stomach one country, half-eaten turkey, other country.

Yeah.

Who gets that?

Woo!

Which one of us is going to be using that in our act?

We'll do rock, paper, scissors for it after this.

Rock, paper, scissors.

You know what?

It's like

the rock would beat paper.

You know?

You cover it.

You cover it.

That's not beating it.

You cover it.

Sorry.

That's like, please don't stop, Rock.

Just don't do it.

Stop destroying all the scissors.

Stop hurting all the scissors.

That feels like a bit.

That's kind of like a Pete Holmesy sort of.

I think it's out there.

Did somebody do that?

I think that I've heard that.

That's why fucking open mic comedy sucks.

All stand-ups suck.

Stand-up's pretty much dead.

Stand-up sucks.

Twitter pretty much replaced doing open mics for me

four or five years ago.

Yeah, I could see that.

Because all those dumb fucking jokes that you would want to do at an open mic mic when you have two minutes.

Right.

And you want to say something fucking retarded.

Right, right, right.

That's what Twitter is for.

Yeah, I don't know.

Okay, so let's do a thing where we go around the room right now and we all say a new funny joke idea that we have.

You want to start?

You start.

Okay.

I got an idea.

Go ahead.

There's.

Okay, so there's two different types of black people.

There are black.

All right.

What's the second one?

What's this?

But seriously, this is my man said, My man, it's okay.

If you, if you're doing a voice,

go ahead and drop the M-bomb.

That's

oh man, somebody found out.

This is a good search.

You go on Twitter and then you type in, you search for N, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, a,

and it's all fucking white people being like, where am I?

They censor it.

They like, no, it's wrong.

Yeah.

But then they do it anyways.

That's pretty good.

That's some extremely good shit.

It is.

That's good stuff.

I love saying the N-word.

Yeah, I'd like to have the podcast come to just Peter out.

Just Peter out.

I got it.

Start off with David Cross.

Our biggest.

We used all our energy preparing for that film.

That was an emotional rollercoaster.

Also, oh, we should let you guys know the coffee machine at the Anthony Cumiya Studios is broken.

Yeah, fuck it.

So if CPXI wants to get on their show.

Don't say the fucking company's name.

No, sorry.

Whoa,

If the company whose studios I use without them knowing about me fucking is.

You know what?

They're not going to listen to it.

You're right, but just don't.

The guy just blowing popcorn out of his mouth and not saying any podcast.

Oh, my company.

My company for man children, where they have rock band in the break room.

Please do shit on my employer, Mr.

Mullen.

They used to be my employer, so I'm allowed to shit on them in the former employees.

Yo, this company fucking fired me.

Get this, for being too smart.

Have you ever heard that?

That was the only thing he did wrong.

They didn't want you to be the boss.

That's the problem.

They were threatening

the boss material.

They say he's incompetent, but you know the truth.

Because he got too much knowledge.

Actually, I heard Bill Cosby was going to buy NBC.

I don't know if you, that's the reason you're taking it down.

He was going to buy NBC.

He was rich enough to get it.

Oh, I'll see what happens.

We get too powerful.

I can't stop doing that character.

The conspiracy theory black guy.

You can be such a shitty comic if you're a black guy.

Yeah, you go,

you can be like such, and it's like

where it's come full circle now.

You can be a shitty comic as a white guy.

Yeah, but not with the level of success, I think.

Like, you can straight up just be.

You can be a road dog as a white guy and be a shitty guy.

Yeah, yeah, that's true.

You can work like you can middle for 20 years.

But who wants to do that?

But you could be a.

You could straight up.

Here's the thing.

There are so many guys just doing Richard Pryor's act.

Oh, yeah.

It's like 70 years late.

It's like ridiculous.

Like, oh, this white guy, he's like, honey, I think we need to go home and do our taxes.

Honey.

You could also just be homophobic.

You can also just be straight up homophobic.

Well, we talked about that on the last one.

Oh, that's right.

Fuck.

But, nah, man, imagine.

I wish I like that's, I'm envious.

That's a type of privilege in my mind.

Oh, yeah.

Just a comedian hack privilege.

Do you remember there was like six months in comedy where everyone had a Bane joke?

Do you remember?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

When Roderon Renard,

we were talking about what's his name?

Alex.

Who?

Alex.

Alex Starr.

Oh, geez.

He always had a Bane part of his.

Yes.

I'm out on this, boys.

You're worried he's going to beat you up?

You got to stop being worried about people beating you up.

Stop.

I'm strong.

You gotta go to the gym.

You gotta get strong.

You gotta fucking.

Oh, by the way,

I got to see an advanced copy of the fucking Million Dollar Extreme Show for Adult Swim.

Wait, just the pilot or the whole season?

This is the whole season.

Nice.

Go on.

Spoil it.

How do you have it?

Spoil it.

No, I'm not going to spoil it.

I will say it's fucking amazing.

It's

a guy who, like, knows them had it and he just showed it to me.

Nice.

What do you mean?

Well, he gave it to me and he killed the USB thing, but I can't put it on the internet or anything.

I should.

I don't even know if I should have said that.

You probably shouldn't have.

Whatever.

But actually, I lie about the podcast numbers to you guys, so you keep doing this.

There's only like 13 people who listen to the podcast.

That's true.

That's the thing.

You ever see a guy see the numbers?

You ever just guys that like have a podcast, and it's clearly because they need someone to hang out with them?

Yeah, yeah, dude.

Yeah, that's sad.

They're just straight up catching up.

He's like, yeah, so I don't know.

It was like kind of a boring weekend.

There's so many bad podcasts.

Unlike ours.

There's like some of them that are probably pretty fucking good, like Convos with Cosmo that you won't hear about until the host murders police officer.

So let me tell you something.

If you're out there and you're doing bad numbers, you know, we're number 25 on the comedy charts on iTunes.

So we're doing great.

We don't need to count it.

And rising.

But, you know, let's say you've never even broken the top 150.

Which, you know, what just overtook Rogan, by the way?

Too many white men, the Phoebe Robinson.

Really?

Yes, yeah.

So

which isn't Too Dope Girls spin-off?

No, it's Too Many White Men, which is so funny because the one right under that is the Joe Rogan explosion.

Too many white men talking for six plus hours.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wait, so the show is just you're not allowed to have white men on it?

Yeah, if you read the description, it's like we're going to get a lot of like sister girls and

you know,

WOCs, and, you know,

a lot of that.

I have never listened to Two Dope Girls, but I know that.

It's Two Dope Queens.

Two Dope Queens, but I know that it's remarkably popular on the iTunes comedy list.

Well, women listen to it.

That's the problem.

Women listen to podcasts.

We got to take a look at

the podcast.

Men do sports.

Yeah, we should do sports.

The woman just stays in the kitchen and the man plays the video games.

That's the rule, bitch.

Cooking clean.

That's fucking.

Do you have a bit like that?

Uh-uh.

That's good, man.

Thanks, dude.

Yeah, see, man, fellas, we've been playing the video games, don't we?

Women, they say cooking, but we.

What's that?

How long we doing?

You can just ask me.

Yeah,

I'm trying to be a pro.

Just about.

Probably go another five minutes or so if people want to continue listening.

I'm just still so pumped.

We had like such a good time with David.

That was really the best.

I mean, this is the best thing.

And honestly, you know what it was?

We fucked up with Norton.

We like, we didn't prepare, we weren't ready.

But I feel like we just kept the energy up.

Yeah, that we had.

I mean, we legitimately got fucked up.

We had bad tech and then that cell phone

thing happened.

People also on podcasts, like

they asked the same questions.

I feel like we asked different kinds of questions.

We asked different kinds of questions, you know, but still kept the topic.

We could go the Mark Marin route and just be like, talk about yourself.

What's your jazz like?

What's your so we got this cat in the sky?

What's up?

Cat?

What are

What kind of cat?

What kind of cat are you?

It's a marin.

It's my marina.

We got a cat in the studio.

So, how do you feel about my cat's career?

How does this cat feel?

Okay, sorry.

Electronics.

Well, folks,

you know, that was another afternoon with the boys.

I think I'm allergic to the dog, guys.

The cumboys are back.

Oh, yeah, you told us.

How funny is that?

That's awesome.

You fucking nerd.

But you get a dog and you're allergic to it.

Yeah, but now if I get fight it, if I get rid of the dog, everyone's going to think I'm a terrible person.

You ever see that Steve Harvey bit where he's talking about Sean Bell and then he's like mad about Sean Bell?

And he's like, that's why I don't understand why people are mad about Michael Vick.

He's like, let a man kill some dogs.

Oh, yeah.

Steve Harvey is the best comedian.

He's the number one.

He's so fucking funny.

What the hell?

Yeah.

He just fucking

has the worst takes.

It's the worst opinion.

Yeah.

He's talking about, like, he's like, they're mad about Iraq.

They're mad about Afghanistan saying they're shooting babies over there.

Shit, send me.

I'll shoot the fucking baby myself.

He's like, a baby come up on me.

I'll be like,

Lord Steve Dunn shot the baby.

Wait a second.

Is that a real bit?

Yeah, it's like a real baby.

He had a bit.

In the

he shot the baby.

Is that from Kings?

No, it's like something later.

It's just like, I don't know.

He has like a special that comes out every year.

He had this thing.

He was doing crowd work on Kings.

At some point, he just popped his Lego man hair off.

And he's like, I'm bald now.

He had like a full head hair.

He must have had a wig as well.

He's bald.

But it was like a Lego man wig.

Yeah.

Like a helmet.

And like pulled it off and then put.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He had a bit where like

he was like doing crowd work in the King special to this guy in the front who had like braids or something,

looked a little urban.

Sure, and he's like, what do you do?

And he's like, I think he said like computers or something.

And he's like, you can't even spell computer.

And everyone just, a stadium full of people going nuts at him telling a guy that he's an illiterate.

Yeah, yeah.

But that's so.

He's definitely smarter than Steve Harvey.

A guy who's like, yeah.

Yeah, got a drive.

He got front row tickets to a stadium comedy show.

He's doing all right.

You can't even spail computing.

So funny, dude.

He's so good.

So check out the new Steve Harvey

Family Feud and the special.

Thanks for listening.

Also, check out the first half of this podcast.

We got David Cross on it.

Rewind.

Give that one a listen.

If you want to listen, baby.

Yeah.

Because we got David Cross coming up in the first half that you've already listened to in this podcast.

Oh,

come town, bitch.

What do you think?

Should we put the kids on the

kids on the

bus?

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