Ep. 10 – Killing Garfield

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Why do you always do that?

I didn't think it was recording.

It was.

I told you we were going to start, and then you intentionally fucked up.

There's no reason to keep to do this.

It doesn't matter.

It's a style of podcasts to start before you say you're starting.

It's cool.

It's like music.

I think it's great.

I think it's really professional.

It's like when they do the like, yeah, ah.

Exactly.

What if you started your podcast?

Oh, I'm doing podcast ad libs.

Okay.

Ooh.

What's your favorite ad-lib of all time on a rap song?

The favorite ad-lib of all time.

Jeez.

The three N-words from

Trinidad James.

Trinidad James.

That's pretty good.

Triple.

All gold, everything.

Triple N-word.

Recently, I've really.

Well, my favorite one recently.

Did we talk about this on the podcast where it was like the Travis Scott

ad-lib where it was just like

a party on a Sunday, I think it was.

It was fun.

It was fun.

He's like, that's not even.

I like Gucci Mane Freaky Girl, where he's like, she's a very freaky girl.

Don't take home to mamma.

And then the back he's just, mama, mamma.

Yeah.

Mama.

That's a big one.

That's a good one.

Who does she

say?

Sheesh.

That's a big one.

That's on a lot of songs.

So that's a little.

I'm sure we're forgetting some great dip set ones.

Oh, the best.

Anyway, would you like to start now, Nate?

Yeah, sure, I do.

So

Kurt Metzger couldn't do it.

Kurt Metzger wanted to do it.

He said Tuesday.

He said, let's do Tuesday.

And then I hit him up and he's like, no, I have to work and then I have spots.

I'm very similar to Kurt Metzger.

Yeah, basically.

We have Amber Frost of

very similar to Kurt Metzger.

So if you know Kurt's credits, they're basically the same.

I write about

feminist economics.

So it's like,

we're colleagues, basically.

Well, she also doesn't like Sadie Doyle, so I also don't like Sadie Doyle.

Yeah, we're also like mortal enemies, yeah.

So that's that's really the you know, the main similarity, but the most important one, I feel.

I think so.

I also pay rent to Amber, so yeah, now the guests are just whoever is in my apartment.

Yeah, this is in lieu of paying rent, you're having her on the pod.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She's getting that this bump, the come town bump.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm sure you'll be seeing

lots of Patreon donations after this one.

Your old landlords didn't get a lot of burn on the podcast.

I think that would actually help.

Yeah, we should have had them on.

Yeah, that would have been.

Do you want me to move my cat?

Well, the cat's fucking with all the gear.

Yeah, yeah.

The cat loves gear, dude.

He's, yeah.

You should take him to BH and watch all of those Hasides die of anaphylactic shock.

Oh, no!

Breathe!

I can't much.

Are you doing okay, Adam?

I'm good, dude.

I'm about to be a

foster parent and potentially a full parent.

Are you going to start calling yourself a dog mom?

Yeah.

Dog mom.

Suffer a baby.

Hillary dog mom.

Hill dog mom?

Hill dog mom.

Yeah, I'm adopting this dog from two blocks away from here on Malcolm X and Green Avenue, who is

very close.

Yeah, she's a bedside dog.

That's what she's a Brooklyn dog.

She's a Brooklyn dog.

Why is that a fucking pertinent piece of information?

I think that's cool.

It's just very close to us.

Yeah, it's close to where we are now, and I think it's cool that it's a Brooklyn dog.

It's cool that it's a Brooklyn dog.

I might not be a Brooklyn guy, but I got a Brooklyn dog.

That means Pitbull.

All the dogs here are Pitbulls.

Or Rockwell.

It's a Pitbull.

Ross Wilers.

Rockweiler.

Do you know what my cat's favorite band is?

What is it, Adam?

TMX, obviously.

Obviously, the best.

Tell Stav the name of the dog.

Do you know the name of my Sis?

It's Isis, yeah.

He already told you.

The breeder named the dog Isis.

I guess ISIS.

Is it Boco Haram?

Is it

like a Twitter person that you bought this?

I feel like their puppy named Harambe.

It's so irony, boy, to have obviously a terrorist dog, but you can't name that fucking dog.

No, it's just a guy that's.

Yeah, I don't think you can yell that across the dog park.

Yeah, that's

that's what I was, uh, that's what I encountered on our first walk.

But, um,

but also, you don't know, the dog might like take it to heart and then decide that you're a real problem.

She wants to reestablish the caliphate.

I got friends that they got a dog

and they named it Strayvon Barksdale.

First of all, any kind kind of dog pun name or cat pun name.

You're an idiot.

Avon Barksdale isn't bad, but not Strayvon.

Well, it was a stray dog, so it was like Strav.

I mean, yeah, Avon Barksdale already works, so you don't have to do it.

Yeah, you get it.

Exactly.

Well, they changed the dog's name to the dog's name was Strayvon Barksdale.

And then, like, two weeks later, the George Zimmerman thing happened.

So the dog's name is Strayvon.

Oh, no.

And it's just like Black Lab Mutt or whatever.

It's called something else.

It doesn't know.

Yeah, well, then you can't bring that dog to the dog park.

If I had a dog,

he'd look like Strayvon.

Oh, come on.

Sorry.

Sorry.

I'm quitting the podcast.

What would be a good Obama dog name?

Bo.

Obo.

No, it has to be like as bad as O Bungler.

Obanjo?

Obingo?

O-B-I-N-G-R.

Or Doc, O'Banion.

That's what my little brother calls Obama.

O'Banyon?

Yeah.

That's bad.

Did you know that Michelle's middle name?

The insult is that he's Irish.

Yeah.

Fuck Irish people, right?

Yeah.

You know Michelle's middle name is also Hussein Obama.

Did you know that?

Michelle Hussein Obama, what was her first name?

Her maiden?

Do you know?

Ms.

Hussein.

Michelle Hussein Obama, Hussein.

That's why they got married.

They bonded over that.

It's having a middle name that was Hussein in all capital letters.

They were cousins, like the Roosevelts.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, fucking.

Remember, Hillary Clinton said she was like, had wet dreams about Eleanor Roosevelt?

Like, in the 90s, everyone was like shitting on her about it.

She is Eleanor, dude.

She's Eleanor for a new generation.

I guess so.

She said she had wet dreams.

I don't think wet dreams.

I think there's something Hillary Clinton said.

No, she didn't.

When I masturbate, I can tell ya, there's one thing I masturbate to.

FDR fucked, by the way, so much.

In the wheelchair?

That's why he was in the wheelchair.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Yeah, she was gay.

Yeah.

Eleanor was sucking and fucking all over town.

Yeah, she got around.

She had a gal pal.

That's awesome.

She had a guma.

She had a guma.

Very sweet.

Yeah.

But yeah.

Just one, or do you, does it?

This is.

I think it was like a long-term thing.

There's a lot of people who sort of deny it.

They're like, well, they could just be like really good friends.

It's like,

bitch, Not without

you read the letters, there's clearly like, I want to hold you.

I want to, like,

that's some serious lesbian poetry going on.

Eleanor had as big a face.

She had as big a face as you could have, I think, if you look back.

I don't remember what she looks like.

She looks like a very handsome woman, dude.

Susan B.

Anthony, Eleanor Roosevelt, Elizabeth Cady Stanton.

She was not a little bit.

She was more of a butch.

Well, they all become, they're all like, I just think of

a coin in my head.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

When I think of them.

I think she looks like Sean Penn with with a wig on.

I think that's what I would say.

Sean Penn doesn't work as any gender.

Yeah.

He's got a hat to be.

That's what I have in my head anyway.

I don't know if that's accurate at all.

Yeah.

Well, the bottom half of his mouth is very small, Sean Penn.

I didn't know that.

That's what makes his face look weird.

I feel.

He's got like a small, it's like his nose, and then from the bottom of his nose to his jaw, there's not much space.

No, you're right.

No, he looks like the guy that they would trot out for like Dare, who like did chew and had to get like part of his lower jaw removed.

And then like, don't do school kids.

Yeah.

Sean Penn.

Yeah.

Like, did you ever see, I mean, I'm sure everyone saw

Ebert before.

Oh, yeah.

We didn't talk about this on the pod.

Did we?

We talked about Ebert.

I don't know if you're talking about it.

On the podcast.

We didn't talk about how bad he looked.

He looked on a couple of topics.

The important thing with podcasting is you only cover a couple of things.

Narabi Ebert.

Yeah, yeah.

His face was fucked up as hell.

Yeah, that poor motherfucker almost had a.

Didn't we talk about that?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you're right, you're right.

That his body rejected.

He rejected the jaw.

Yeah,

what a

shit deal.

Yeah.

Imagine having to fuck that dude with that weird chest.

Yeah.

A lot of doggy, you think?

You think she's looking at him in the eye?

Oh, God.

She's got to be there.

She can't be looking at him, right?

That'd be terrible.

Nick, your thoughts?

On who?

Fucking Ebert.

Fucking Roger Ebert.

The wife, his wife?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't know his wife's name.

Chaz.

Chaz.

It's the black lady.

Yeah.

No, it's Sonny and Shaz.

Yeah, no, I don't know anything about her.

Yeah, they seem to have a very

mutually supportive and loving relationship.

Yeah, it was really beautiful.

You guys should see that document.

I saw that one interview, the first interview interview he did with her when they gave him, he's like,

I'm trying out my new voice or whatever.

All it is is just like the Mac

text-to-speech program.

We definitely talked about this.

We did.

We talked about this.

I remember wanting to bring up.

We can just skip this.

I remember wanting to bring up George Lucas's fucking.

It's like, you know what it is?

It's like 110 degrees, and I can't,

I'm having trouble thinking.

Really?

Let's Let's talk about the Pokemon.

Oh, yeah.

Let's talk about that.

Anytime someone asked me about or says something, I'm on a group text with some friends and they keep talking about Pokemon.

I'm like, guys, I'm just focusing on Black Lives Matters right now.

No, did you read about the Holocaust Museum?

And people were going in to catch Pokemon.

There's nothing but meowths there.

Just

with the gold coins.

Oh, how he's doesn't like the gold coins.

I didn't halfway get that.

Yeah, when the pullets are that thing.

Gold coins.

Good reference.

Was that a mouse reference?

No, no, no.

Meowth.

Oh, that's what I thought it was.

No, no, no.

Meowth is the Pokemon who hoards gold coins.

Oh, that's what it is.

You know, it's funny.

I thought he was making a literary thing.

No, no, no, no, no.

Although I did have to read that in high school.

They've released like 50 new Pokemon a year since like 1995.

So there's probably a fucking Pokemon now that's like the Auschwitz victim.

Because they ran out of shit.

Some of them got like really cool.

They ran out of like shapes and things to do.

After a while, I wonder if they just start accidentally inventing actual animals that exist in Australia.

Yeah.

One of them, I mean, they did that with the first round of them because one of them is just a fucking cat.

Yeah.

You know, they're like a rat, but there's one that's just like a set of keys.

Really?

Yeah, they like ran out of like Pokemon.

There's one of them.

That's cell phoning it in.

I respect whoever did that.

Yeah.

No, my friend's mom named the Pokemon.

We talked about this too.

Did we?

I think so.

No, I think we talked about it on the episode.

Oh, we did.

Yeah, we talked about the one.

Oh, really?

Yeah, yeah.

The lost episode.

Which, in comparison now, looks like it would have been fine.

I think our standards at that point were so much higher.

Yeah, we were like, we didn't do any jokes.

At one point, Adam didn't know what was going on, so we have to delete that one.

Yeah, we should release it, see what happens sometime.

No, we talked about that.

We're going to release a

premium episode.

Stavi's Golden Angels.

$100,000.

If you donate $100,000, you can be one of Stavi's Golden Angels, and you get a DVD rip of that episode.

And a pair of underpants that Stav wore on a very hot day in your life.

I literally will do that.

If you donate $3,

a secret recording of of me using all of the slurs, both Dog the Bounty Hunter and Hulk Hogan is.

In case you ever want to blackmail me,

you have that.

It's the special blackmail package.

So, yeah, donate.

But

there's one I remember.

I know there's one Pokemon that's

just like a woman in blackface.

But it also, like.

No, I heard about that, and I think that the name in Japanese is like.

It's racist.

I'm sure it's racist.

I'm sure it's the n-word five times, whatever the character for the n-word is.

Fuck, what was that one called?

Something like

Jinx.

I posted it on Twitter the other day.

See, the problem is, like, I want to talk about Pokemon Go, but I've already, like, did all the jokes I could do online.

People like to hear it out of your head.

They want to hear me say the tweets.

Yeah, they literally.

It's got to be spontaneous.

Let's go through the nigga.

To see, like, someone taking a picture of, like, a crowd of

teens at the Holocaust Museum.

Like, that's to me, that's

kind of beautiful.

Well, I remember going on a field trip to the Holocaust Museum in eighth grade and, like, trying to make my friends laugh with, like, fart noises.

So, I really don't think that's a good thing.

Well, but like, this happens.

I was telling you, like, this happens, like, every year, some horrible tasteless thing happens, and people get really upset.

And last year, it was actually at Auschwitz, and they, it was like a record heat wave so they set up these like misters for people to pull up

everyone got mad

super mad well because the mist was fucking up everyone's iPhones while they were trying to play Pokemon go

I just I just love how like practical and German that is like they never you know they never thought twice they're just like well you know

it's a really hot summer and we want to make sure people don't overheat and there are lots of senior citizens, and they can't explain it.

We were going to give out Haage and Daws, but everyone said that would be

crude.

They had many compact air conditioning chambers that you would get into.

Germany to be like, What?

It's the most efficient way to keep people cool.

Danny Green from the San Antonio Spurs took a selfie at the Holocaust Memorial in Germany.

I sent it to you guys.

So awesome.

Yeah, and it said

how to do it.

Or what is it?

How to do it one time, how to do it one time,

hashtag holocaust.

He knew it was wrong.

No, I think

he was like trying to play trip, pay tribute in his own way.

Yeah, I think he was like, Had to do it for like one time for the victims.

Because

that girl did it before him.

There was some girl that took the same exact picture that got in trouble for it.

Oh, yeah, but like 13-year-old girl.

Yeah, it was some 14-year-old girl, and then people online were like, You were so much a fucking despicable cunt.

I'm gonna fucking rape you.

A 14-year-old isn't going to be an idiot.

As if they're going to understand, like, I should really be reverent here.

Like,

yeah, yeah, no people are really mad here.

Well, and that's the other thing I don't understand about getting mad about the Pokemon Go at the Holocaust Museum.

It's like kids do shitty things.

And, like, that is the definition of chilling.

Like, yeah,

if you had Pokemon Go when you were like 13 and you were brought to the Holocaust Museum, you would be doing it.

Absolutely.

Like, Anne Frank was literally like making a diary during the actual Holocaust.

How dish written

writing about in that diary was just like, I would like to touch some boobs.

Yeah, right.

And they edited that out at my

America.

I remember actually only that part.

That's the only part of the book I remember.

She got her period, too.

I remember us having like it getting banned at my high school, and I was like, oh, why?

Because, like, you know,

they're like, no, no, no, because it's kind of gay.

Yeah.

It's kind of gay.

Well, but really, though, having a diary in those days was the same as playing Pokemon Go.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I also remember like Justin Bieber saying, like, she probably would have been a Bleber.

And like, yeah, that was a good idea.

That's technically true.

Like, she was a total teeny bobber.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm having to come to terms with the fact that in the last year or so,

like, it's at the point now where Justin Bieber could probably kick my ass.

100% if he kicked me.

For years, it was like boxing lessons.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure.

Specifically, he goes to like that.

He's ripped and he's on anabolic steroids.

That's not cool.

How tall is he?

He's probably like 5'3.

6'5 - he's Danny DeVito's height.

Yeah, whatever.

He's surprisingly short, usually.

He's 1.1 DeVitos.

He's half a DeVito.

Yeah, no, that's just a beat him up, dude.

I mean, probably.

Dude, you could totally.

Yeah, if you threw broken glass in his face, you can't lose that fight.

You can't be the one guy.

You know, because that's why Orlando Orlando Bloom had to beat the shit out of him.

Because he's like, this is the one guy under me.

Oh, I didn't hear about that.

Yeah.

I think they fought like twice.

They got into some

TMZ thing.

They got to fight each other's girlfriends, I think.

Yeah, no, there was some TMZ thing where they got into an argument at a restaurant, and then it's like TMZ.

So it's like, and in the background, like, Leonardo DiCaprio's there, and he's like cheering him on.

And it's like, what the fuck is going on?

Well, no, I heard that Leonardo DiCaprio just stole one of Bieber's girls.

It was pretty, pretty.

That's nice to hear that someone's good for him, man.

Good for the pussy posse.

That's right.

The pussy posse.

I love when people, do you know about the pussy posse?

Yeah, of course, yeah.

I love Toby's.

That's why I know about it specifically because I was like, really?

Toby Maguire?

Yeah, Toby Maguire's got a hog.

He's got a big fat one.

He's fucking pipe.

I'll tell you what.

Well, I love searching for that on Twitter and seeing who's mad about the pussy posse.

Because every day.

I love seeing grown women being upset that Leonardo DiCaprio is dating a 19-year-old.

He's basically a pedophile.

It's like, well, no, he basically isn't.

He has a clear definition of.

And also,

it's not like

if he didn't have millions of dollars, people would still be

ogling over his bloated old Aki face at this point.

Like, he hasn't aged well.

Right, no.

He's gotten coffee.

Wait, you know what?

Here's

how much money and fame he has.

That last year they tried to make Dad Bod a thing.

Right.

So that people were getting pussied by accident because of Leonardo Capital.

I don't think that.

I mean, I think

people like Dad Bod.

I don't think it fucking caught on the way they thought it would.

No, you can't make that happen.

I think a lot of girls.

No, it didn't.

No, it did not.

I think a lot of girls, though, like, suddenly were like, yeah, I'm kind of into chunky guys.

And were like, yeah.

Yeah, I saw a lot of that on Tinder profiles, but my swipes did not.

Yeah, but you got Joe.

You got not fine purchase.

You got dad bod.

I've got dad bod.

I've got like

newborn insulin problem baby bod.

I got baby bod.

Don't take dad bod from me, Nick.

You know who else loves dad bod?

The comedy industry, guys.

Not a lot of room for

buff guys like me.

Is Is the cross you want to bear?

I'm too buff.

That's what they said.

That's the problem.

Do the muscles get a little jacked.

Yeah, it's like worse than being a woman in Hollywood.

I don't know.

Kevin Hart does all right.

Kevin Hart's jacked now.

Kevin Hart, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

It's weird, too.

Godfrey's pretty jacked.

What?

Yeah.

Godfrey.

No, not Gilbert Godfrey.

People don't.

Okay, Godfrey, the black comedian.

Yeah,

he's always been jacked.

Yeah, he played like football or something in college.

Yeah, he was a D1 football.

Dave Chappelle

is maybe on steroids.

Have you seen a picture of him recently?

Yeah, I'm like insane.

Suddenly

his head looks so small compared to the head of the head.

It's weird, man.

Creeps me out.

Insane.

The last time I saw.

And if you have a problem with that, Dave, come on the podcast.

We will fight Dave Chappelle on the podcast.

Fuck Dave Chappelle.

I don't condone Adams.

My favorite comedian of all time.

Who's your favorite comedian before you started doing comedy?

I guess that's not fair because you started like at what 25 or something?

I started at 24, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, mine was why is that not fair?

Well, because like you have like discernment.

I mean, like, my favorite comedian before I started doing comedy was Jim Brewer.

Oh, you mean like as a little kid?

Oh, as a kid before you knew anything.

Yeah, yes, yeah.

Chris Rock, and uh, and the music guy.

I love that, the guy that made the songs, the guitar guy, Stephen Lynch.

Steven Lynch?

Mine was Kevin.

Kevin Eubanks, the guitarist from Daylina?

Yeah, I liked G.E.

Smith,

the ponytail guy from SNL.

That's my favorite SNL cast member.

It's G.E.

Smith.

Alonzo Hamburger Jones.

Hamburger.

And Earthquake.

I loved Chris Katan.

I watched a lot of Comic View as a kid.

Wow, that's a deep cut.

I loved.

Yeah.

I thought Chris Katan was hilarious.

Chris Katan.

Yeah, I loved Night the Roxbury, dude.

I fucking loved that movie.

That movie was moving.

I know all about it.

I was like, you're the guy that saw that.

I fucking bet.

Yo, I made my dad take me to the theaters to see it.

I wasn't that, I was like 13 or something.

I'll do you one better.

And I made my father take me to the Will Ferrell, right?

Huh?

He did those Will Farrell.

Yeah, but that's the best part.

Will Farrell was the sidekick to Chris Katan.

Oh my God.

It's almost like.

I didn't even thought about that.

Yeah, it's almost like a funny time capsule moment.

In show business, there was a moment where Chris Katan was the star.

Yeah.

And Will Farrell was just like the doofy

brother.

And then they have Richard Grico in the movie.

and that's the joke is supposed to be that he's not famous anymore, I think.

Yeah.

And then,

like, now where's Chris Katan?

Yeah, exactly.

Is he in that Ridiculous Six movie?

No, no, no, he's not famous.

I don't think that was so fucking bad.

Yeah, yeah.

Nick and I tried to

let's get high and watch Ridiculous.

I would love to do that.

This is going to be hilarious.

No, it's really funny.

It was Adam Sandler being like, what if we make Blazing Saddles, but it's not funny anymore?

Adam Sandler, maybe.

When I was like, Oh, Sandler,

his CDs were like

medium-paced.

So important to me.

Yeah.

You know who sucked?

The kids that like Dennis Leary.

The kids that like Dennis Leary CDs?

There are kids that liked Dennis Leary.

Yeah.

Yes, I remember.

Oh, my God.

You know what?

Yeah, that fucking asshole.

Which, by the way, I think is a Louis bit.

Yeah, it's a Louis bit that he stole, right, and made it into a song.

But, you know, whatever.

I think Louis recorded on a VCR, the Mitch Hedberg Comedy Central special and watched that a lot.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

What does Dennis Leary do now except pretend to be a firefighter?

Ford Trucks and Rock and Roll.

He's on like nine different firefighter shows.

Acting.

He's on a Rock and Acts and Trugs and Rock and Roll, also starring Robert Kelly.

It's a very good show.

You guys should go watch.

Your dad's best friend.

Father's best friend.

Sorry.

No, he's singing over a bridge that stops.

He doesn't want to burn.

No, that's right.

He's the voice of Ford Trucks.

And Ice Age.

Oh, yeah.

He's going to say ISIS.

He's Ford.

He's the voice of ISIS.

And ISIS.

And Ice Age.

He's in Ice Age.

Which there's a new Ice Age.

All right, he's doing great.

There's a lot.

How much money do you think Tim Allen made off of Toy Story?

I don't know.

Don't tell me, please.

$45 million.

Wait, so

he ratted on

all the other guys in Toy Story.

On everyone.

We're all in jail for child pornography.

He ratted.

He dropped a dime.

Tim Allen was taught with 27 ounces of child pornography.

And he ratted on all the other toys.

It was all of the little boys.

What's the little boy?

Andy.

Andy.

He paid one of the animators to animate Andy.

Andy getting

his ass.

Yeah, yeah.

Through Infinity and Beyond, bro.

Yeah, and that's what Tim Allen comes to.

That's where the noise comes from.

All right, row, ruh, row.

That was him being right in jail.

You know the Tim Allen story?

Him getting arrested.

Yeah, yeah.

He got arrested for.

How much Coke was it?

It was like 500.

It was like 27 ounces of cocaine.

Of cocaine.

Yeah.

It wouldn't last a week with me, but it was a lot.

Yeah, you got that yay, though.

Y'all got white girl.

Yeah, and then he came up with home improvement while in jail.

In jail.

That's his mind pound.

That's so great.

I love how

Malcolm X came up with the political philosophy of black liberation and Tim Allen came up with home improvement.

He's like, what What if there was a guy with a beard that I belittle all the time that he's smarter than me?

There's this neighbor, you know, you don't see the bottom of his face.

Yeah, well, the neighbor, the reason the neighbor's in there, like why he's always like, you know, well, you know, Tim, the Thessalonians, or whatever, while he's always like, you know, quoting philosophy or whatever, is because Tim Allen was like a philosophy major.

So if you read any like, oh my god, that makes so much sense.

He's like dropping all this fucking like

irrelevant information to, you know, trying to sound smart.

To sound smart?

Yeah.

Tim Allen?

Tim Allen.

Yeah.

So

that's why the neighbor's in there.

So, you know, it's like a wink to the audience, like, hey, I'm not dumb.

Yeah, I'm secretly smart.

He loves hot rods and pork rinds.

Yeah.

He loves pork rinds.

And then I tried pork rinds.

As a little kid, I was like, oh, these must be the best snack ever.

And then, like, they suck.

They suck, but they're good because it's all just like protein and fat.

I mean, I eat them now because they're just fried fat, and that's like when I'm really at rock bottom,

I like middleman now.

I eat them now because I'm incredibly depressed.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, because my life's bad, but like when I was a little kid, they were gross.

I just remember my grandfather.

You were a funy's girl when he was on Atkins.

Funions are great.

Yeah, they hold up.

They do?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's like, what if onions were fun?

Whoa, stop.

I've sold.

Holy shit, yo.

Yo, I'll just blew your mind.

Oh, my God, yo, that's where the fucking name Funyon come from.

Where do you get all your shirts?

Stop is the shirt king.

I love shirts.

The shirt.

Well, good.

Is that a.

Like,

if you wore a shirt in the pool, I would be like, that's probably a style choice.

You'd be like the one guy.

No, you know I love the style thing.

You know I love to flex these titties.

Yeah, of course.

I took pictures of you naked last week.

That's right.

On that roof, that beautiful sunset.

That was a beautiful sunset.

Yeah.

We got to go back up.

That sounds like a bit we're doing, but it's real.

I took a bunch of naked pictures of Stop on.

I do.

I follow Stob on Instagram on Fourth of July.

Rooftop.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Come on.

Yeah, we got more, guys.

Don't worry.

We'll be playing nudity at Stavi Baby.

What's the next holiday that you're going to do?

I don't know.

When Hillary Clinton wins.

You got to get one for that.

That's me hanging myself.

Because it's the end of civilization as we know it, guys.

One million dead Iraqis.

It's me on a drone naked.

It's me on the drink.

Getting dropped on a fucking...

On Yemen?

Yeah, yeah.

They have advertisements in the subway now for like your own personal drone.

I know, it's fucked up.

It's like almost like a minority report feel to it, where that just seems.

It's fucked.

Yeah.

I mean, I don't think most of it is surveillance, but it's.

It has a camera built into it.

Really?

Yeah, yeah.

But even regardless, it's just like, what kind of a dickhead neighbor are you to

do in an urban area and be like, hmm, I'm going to have something fly in these

tight streets where people are walking and trying with

every bit of energy they have not to murder their neighbors.

I would do it if you could attach an air horn to it and

use it to fuck with people.

Dude, also, I love it.

They have drones.

Police departments have killed people with drones.

Sort of like they killed the guy in Dallas with the fucking robot.

They have now drones you can fly into people's heads and kill them with.

I mean, what could they do?

What, just like bang into them?

Yeah.

Yeah, it's really.

That's going to break it at the shit.

That shit is real.

That shit is real real now.

Now, they didn't have a bomb robot.

They had like a bomb

disposal robot

that they just put a bomb on and drove it up to them.

I know.

So it's like they repurpose

the thing, but people are like, oh, well, this is drone strikes.

I mean,

no, I don't understand how that's any different from actually being able to get a sniper on him and shooting him.

It's not like it's a specific device designed to go fucking bomb people remotely.

It was a repurposed thing for one specific event.

Police departments have used bombs before.

It's a repurpose.

They got it on Etsy, actually.

It's just

a fucking Tonka truck with a bomb taped onto it.

It's one of those remote camps.

It might as well have been.

I mean, I just don't understand.

It's not as ominous as something with, like, you know, that could fly that has like GPS cable.

Where did the Dallas Police Department get a fucking bomb from, though?

From the FBI, I guess.

Oh, really?

Yeah, they use C4.

That makes sense.

They don't have like a bomb guy.

If they're in Dallas, they could probably just like look for a guy not wearing a shirt that's buying a whole bunch of liquid plumber and be like, hey.

I want a damn bomb.

I think they should just

set a fire to the building.

The way it used to be.

Like when the sheriff would get a posse together.

Hey, what?

And be like, come on out.

We're setting the barn on fire.

That's how they got, what's his name?

The guy that killed Lincoln.

Didn't they set a barn on fire and then he jumped out and he fucked up his leg and then he ran like and then some doctor who didn't know what was going on fucking healed his leg and then they killed that doctor, too.

That poor asshole.

They're like, that's what doctors have to do.

That's the Hippocratic Oath.

You have to fucking do it.

And they just killed him.

My favorite thing about Booth was that he was an actor.

Yeah.

Well, you know, his crew, like the nine other people involved in that conspiracy to kill Lincoln or whatever.

One of them was just legitimately a retarded guy.

And you know how fucking retarded you had to be to be considered like retarded?

In those days?

Yeah, yeah.

You had to be super shit.

I think Kurt actually does a bit about that.

Really?

Yeah, well, he does something about how the average IQ was like less than fucking 100 or something.

So we should have had him on.

Yeah.

Instead of me accidentally doing his best.

But yeah, one of the guys was actually retarded in that, in that, like.

And didn't none of them actually kill anyone else?

Like, he was the only one or something like that?

Yeah, he was the only one.

Yeah, I don't think they were particularly efficient conspiracy.

How is it that the guy who killed him?

He was just like really motivated.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because he wasn't in that play.

He was just mad he didn't get cast in that play.

I think, too, like,

I remember reading.

I shouldn't have let him in that play.

He made it to like Southern Maryland and he was like holed up in somebody's bar or barn.

And then he read the news like a couple days later, and it's like Nation mourns the loss of

the president.

And he was like, I thought people would be happy about this.

He really was upset that people weren't calling him a hero.

He really thought.

Yeah.

Really misjudged the room.

Maybe that's why he wasn't a successful actor.

Who's your favorite assassination guy?

Sirhan Sirhan.

Sirhan Sirhan.

I liked

the

Charlie Thibault, who did Garfield.

He killed Garfield?

You killed Garfield?

Jim Davis?

He ended Jim Davis's reign of terror.

There's

a Johnny Cash song about it, and I probably would not know about the assassination of or well, about the shooting of oh, right, right.

He took like he was like in the hospital for a very long time.

His doctors basically killed him.

Yeah, they were not good at medicine.

They did all this fucking stuff.

What even was medicine?

If they had just not leeches on him, yeah, if they had just not done anything to his gunshot wound, he might have recovered.

But they were like putting shit in it, and then they like they literally gave him a whiskey enema.

They like poured whiskey into his asshole to save him.

They were away into enemas.

They were into enemas and bleeding because they're like, like, oh, there's bad blood.

We have to get that out.

Yeah, that was the doctor.

That was like, how do you even become a doctor?

You just say you're the doctor.

That's pretty much floral white shirt.

Yeah.

It was, you had to know how to read.

It used to be a thing.

Like, Lincoln was like a country lawyer.

They didn't have like, I don't think they had bar examinations.

It was just, you know, you're like, well, I read the book.

And then you could just be a lawyer.

Yeah, well, he worked.

Yeah.

Did he like a correspondence course?

Like, was it like the equivalent of like.

I think it was was more like you're an intern and then like once you've like okay, you're a I was hoping it wasn't like Arizona State or something where he was like yeah Phoenix Phoenix University.

Yeah, you went to Devry.

I just can't believe Garfield was the president.

Yeah.

He outlawed Mondays

this six-day week.

This subsidized lasagna.

All the fucking corn subsidies went to lasagna.

Could be worse.

Sofers.

Well, I guess we should take a break.

A little break?

It's got to be a quick one because we both got spots we got to rush to.

Yeah.

But yeah, we'll be back in two seconds.

Okay, Explosive Impact is basically going to be a line of videos I'm going to be doing on basically rants.

And if you all know who I am, I'm Born Windows Dragon Kid.

And the reason why I closed that account on YouTube is because I use it as a ghost account.

Anyway, first on the charges for explosive impact.

Hackers.

Everyone's hate hating to deal with these cocksuckers.

You know?

And I've been hacked by at least 60 of them over the past five years, ever since October of the year and then back in 2002.

You know?

Because

of either something I said by accident and I was talking to one of my friends online,

the look of an avatar I had on a website,

or

they were just bored.

I had to deal the same bullshit on a current I had to deal, I still had to deal the same cock suckers

on another chat site online.

Daria.

The last The last

The last chat site I was ever on was friggin' my bill, and I've been hacked 45 times on that shit

accounts and my computer just because of something I said and also my avatar looked like shit.

Why not?

Can I ask you fucking idiots?

What the fuck is up your asses when you decide to hack someone's computer despite the fact you know that you can do the guiltless shit

and you know

456 buyers is at the least i suffer because of you fucking pawns

over the past five years

and what sick pleasure do you fucking asshats have when you decide to piss off someone by hacking into their computer and fuck around with their computer or an account that they have on a website

It's open.

What?

I mean,

and

I also have the same problem with you hack threateners.

Same first question I asked.

Why would you risk jail

just because of some just because of what someone said in a video or something or something that that person said in a chat?

Why would you?

Oh yeah.

Text learned the freaking charges for explosive India.

I just had an assembly on this exact same bullshit night and I almost vomited.

I went like secondary school.

If you go to that school, you probably feel the same way.

Cyber bullies!

You know?

I've had to leave like 50 chat sites just because of this bullshit.

Because someone's trying to ruin their reputation just because I said something or if I didn't give 400,000 big cash for the 400,000 website cash for their avatar or whatever.

Again, referring to the chat sites I was on.

And then again, but then again,

and also death threats I'm constantly hearing

directed on other people that they do shit.

You know?

and also threats uh to other to females

of death if they didn't friggin post naked on a webcam you know

I got two questions for you assholes as well

why would you make someone's life worse

than yours online

Or try to ruin another

person's reputation.

Why?

Do you increase yours?

No, you're just trying to decrease yours and also you're looking like a complete asshole.

You know?

And also, if I recall correctly, you can go to jail for five years in jail

for this bullshit.

And another question to you dickheads.

Do you have the exact same sick pleasure of doing this shit for no reason as hackers?

If you do,

please post

and I will sure as hell report your ass

to the cops okay

I promise you anyone that admits the cyberbullying and loves to do it for pleasure please post on this video so I'll track your ass down okay

and that's all I have to say to you dickheads

for For now, this is Jedi and Kazama

logging out for now.

We're back.

We're back, baby.

What were we talking about during the break?

We talked about a lot of good shit.

We had a bunch of great jokes

that'll be

part of that deleted episode.

Yeah.

If you become one of Stavi's platinum or golden angels on Patreon, we should set up levels.

We should do actual things.

We already have one.

If it gets to $1,000, we're buying you hormones.

I'm serious.

Did you not even check the page?

You shared it without checking it.

I checked it, but I thought that was kind of like a bit.

Do I actually have to get hormones?

Yeah, sure.

I mean, I don't know how much hormones cost.

Probably more than $1,000, I'm guessing, right?

I watched the surgery of How They Make a Dick.

I actually just watched the How It's Made.

I went to the WikiHow and it was illustrated.

Yeah.

Oh, man, those are so good.

They're so great.

I want to meet the person that draws them.

Yeah.

Did you see the one plan a family trip to Disneyland?

No.

It's like nightmarish.

It's like more horrible than any like Ralph Stedman like art I've ever seen.

My favorite one is How to Be Dark.

It's like how to have like a dark personality and it's like for goth kids?

Yeah, yeah.

It's like basically how to be a goth, but it's how to be dark and it's like say sarcastic things all the time.

Oh my god.

It's just like a group of people and then one guy with purple hair and people aren't talking to him.

One of them is like one of them is just one of the steps is do things your own way and it's this like fae hand

a close like limp wristed hand.

I love that yeah there's like clearly a euphemism like when in

in Indiana whenever there's like a feminine kid and like men wanted to be like not homophobic and supportive of it, but maybe like couldn't accept that, like,

their boy's a little Marspan man.

They'd be like, well, he's really artistic.

Like, he didn't do any art or anything.

It was just like.

He's a real weird guy.

It's pretty funny.

You're pretty funny over there.

Do things your own way.

Yeah.

Well, I guess, why don't we?

What do you have going on?

We're like wasting this guest.

Yeah, yeah, you're much smarter than me.

I mean, I guess you're here every day.

I don't really.

Yeah, I'm here.

I don't have a lot going on.

No, I didn't mean like that.

I mean, like, you know.

You smack down that professor, man.

Oh.

You beat up a professor?

Well, I know how

invested your listeners are in Marxist-feminist economics.

Oh, yeah.

That's like every single one of them.

Yeah.

That's all the tweets I get.

So if you're picking up the Boston Review anytime soon,

I have a materialist feminist theory of misogyny in response to Professor Kate Mann's recent essay about Trump.

I'm not making this up, but it is real.

First of all, Kate Mann.

Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's like, why should I even listen to a word she has to say?

I'm with you.

Speaker.

So, what'd she say?

Was it dumb?

Was it?

Yeah, yeah.

She was like, men hate women because of like weird resentment and

that the enforcing arm of misogyny.

You you, Rick, you don't actually want to hear about this.

You know who's the listener of our podcast?

Judith Butler.

Have you ever tried to read that?

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

It's real boring.

The president of academic queer theory and modern.

The president?

Basically, like

you.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that's just.

It's you.

It's you because you're

fucking queer.

We have a specific tone to this show.

And you're really fucking it up for us, man.

Adam, stop.

I tried to read it.

Why did you ask me this question, Nick, for Christ's sake?

Because I'm like, I'm burning up my face.

Well, I'd like to talk about Marxist feminist Shulamid Firestone for the next 10 minutes.

Yeah, it's about filling that time, baby.

We're filling that void, bitch.

I have a

advice column for the baffler that's more interesting.

Oh, no.

Okay, yeah, we'll see.

That's a good question.

Recently, the one that's going to run tomorrow someone asking what they should do because they think that their older friends think that they're immature, but he's not really close to these friends, but they're like, you know, maybe telling his other friends.

And I had to be like, you're like

22 and like, you don't, this is not a problem.

Your problem is not a problem.

Like, I had to be like, you just, this is in the gentlest way possible, like, this is boring, and you should not care about this.

He sounds immature.

Yeah, I was just like, appropriately immature for his age.

Sounds like he's playing Pokemon Go at the Holocaust Museum, if you ask me.

I got to drop in

Pokemon into the answer, too.

Everyone I know playing Pokemon right now is 30.

I'm not lying.

Well, that's like age appropriate.

It's also the same people going to see ghost players.

I never played it, but someone,

like, people were like...

mad about it.

They're like, why are you playing a child's game?

And then I was like, okay, well, now I'm downloading it.

Yeah.

Because, like,

just out of resentment for people who hate fun.

Yeah, well, that's stupid to, like, be mad at

people for playing a game.

Yeah.

But, you know what else is stupid?

Not paying respect to the Black Lives Matters movie.

That's the hot thing.

Well, that's what you're doing by going to see Lady Ghostbusters.

It is.

You're basically saying Black Lives Don't Matter.

I'm seeing Lady Ghostbusters on Thursday.

The reviews for it are

sort of mixed.

It's good.

That's what I hear.

Really?

I

don't think it's going to be good.

But I'm going to be on another podcast to talk about it as the other requisite feminine.

I'm really excited for Lady Independence Day.

I'm sure there's women in it.

They got a girl, Will Smith.

They do.

Yeah.

It's played by

his wife.

Jada Pink.

Jada Pink.

Jada Pinky.

Jada Willow.

Oh, my God.

He has Willow Smith.

Willow.

Before we said it, we all locked eyes and smiled before we said Jada doing the fake.

What in the stink?

Damn, I love being smart as hell.

I just really like being around my peers.

Yeah, intellectually.

Intellectually, we'll try and slow it down for you.

Okay.

Yeah.

What do you got?

You know?

Yeah, Nick,

you want to see the Lady Ghostbusters movie with me?

I have to see it for a podcast.

I want to see the pet.

I'm going to it on Friday.

I got to invite you to it on Friday.

Okay, I can't invite you.

You got to invite me.

Scott Chaplin invited me.

I don't want to see it alone.

That's fun.

Well, Scott Chaplin invited me, and I know the people, he's going with people that are like, we're going to it to have a problem with the movie.

I'm trying to go into it with an open mind, but it's just, it's like so clearly like pandering.

Like, did you guys see the BuzzFeed thing that was like 10 ways you can support Lady Ghostbusters?

Now I just call it Lady Ghostbusters.

And like, it's like they're treating it like go seeing a movie.

I'm not sure if it was a sponsored post or not, but they're like, oh, this is like, you know, sitting at a lunch counter in Alabama in 1963.

Like, no, it's seeing a fucking movie.

Exactly.

The only thing about it that bothered me is that, like, first of all, I thought it came out like seven months ago.

No, because people have been losing their shit over it.

And it's like this weird cultural, it's like the benchmark for like, what kind of a person are you?

How do you feel?

But who even is losing their shit?

Yeah, I think a lot of that is PR shit.

No, no, no, no, no.

I know women,

some of them are losing their shit over Lady Ghostbusters.

No, no, no, you mean like in the positive sense?

Oh, I thought like the bros that have a problem with it.

I think that's overblown.

Yeah, no, that's a total.

It's a false flag, is what it is.

I think it's like 12 guys on Reddit.

I don't think that's like

anything else.

There's no real backlash, but like there's like this kind of sort of reactionary feminist response to which is like, no, it's going to be so good.

It's like, it's probably not, man.

It's probably going to be pretty bad.

Man, as much as people complain about like baby boomers, they didn't have to like reboot fucking everything.

Right, right.

Like, really, all it was was Sean Ana, and that was it.

That was the only fucking thing that they did where they're like, let's bring this back.

And they were like, no, don't do that.

And they're like, okay.

And then they just made new shit.

And it was all good.

Do you know the pets movie that just came out is the the highest-grossing opening for an original idea?

Like, something that is not an adaptation or a rebate.

How is that an original idea?

I guarantee you, same story as Toy Story.

Yeah, it's Toy Story.

It's fucking Toy Story.

Which is less imaginative than Toy Story.

Toys are inanimate objects.

Yeah, it's true.

And they actually did it before with the Little Toaster movie, which was inanimate objects.

That movie was great.

That was fucking dark.

That movie was dark as shit.

There's a song in that movie called You're Worthless.

Yeah.

It's called like Worthless, where there was trapped in a junkyard and all these cars are being destroyed.

And they're singing about how they had purpose in life.

Now they're dying.

They're dying.

In real time.

I had a friend who

she's Irish and she had never seen it before.

And she was like, I'm watching this American cartoon.

What did they raise you on?

Like, this is dark as hell.

Everything the Irish produce is incredibly fucking depressing.

Angela's Ashes.

Angela's Ashes?

But I think Irish people kind of hate Angela's Ashes.

Like, they think it's like schmaltzy crap.

Really?

There was some Irish movie that was.

At least that's the people.

Yeah.

There was some, I was looking at like Michael Madsen's fucking IMDB like six years ago.

This is a great story.

Yeah, well, the last thing he was in at the time was some like Irish movie where he's like, he plays a boxer who like

he beat his best friend to death

by accident or whatever.

And that's like the first scene in the movie.

Where do we go from here?

And everyone gets cancer.

In my neighborhood, you had to fight your way out.

And that's when I started fighting.

You had to fight?

You ever see that documentary about that gypsy fighter?

The Irish gypsy fighter?

Snatch?

There was this guy that's like, they have these Irish gypsies.

Yeah, the bare-knuckle.

The bare-knuckle guys, yeah.

And there's this one dude that's just all he does is just bare-knuckle fights, but he like beat up a bunch of wolves one time.

There's like a time where like a whole town was after him, and he had to like beat up everyone in the town.

Do you remember when they made that movie with Liam Neeson?

They're like, He's gonna punch a wolf, and then everyone saw it, and he's like, He doesn't actually punch a wolf in the movie.

What the gray, the gray, what a fucking movie.

Yeah, he thought he was gonna fight wolves, but I don't think anyone's gonna be able to do that.

He does so many guns.

That's what the trailer said: is that in this movie, I would have loved to see him gonna punch a wolf.

He makes a lot of good movies, and he also has pissed his pants in public numerous times.

There's like several photos.

Dev Bardew peas his pants all the time.

Def Ardu pee.

I mean, the weight on Deb Bardew's bladder,

if he wasn't incontinent, it would be like a miracle.

I don't know what's going on down there.

Lack of the Muslims.

That's my Deb Ardu.

That's your trade-off is you get famous, but then you just pee yourself a little bit all the time.

Would you do that?

Yeah,

I feel like I'm destined for that anyway.

I have to piss every 45 minutes, so I was saying that the other day is like,

I feel like

I know Adam shit his pants like twice in the last two years.

Twice today.

Yeah.

No, I mean, one time in my car, you shit your pants in my car.

I more puked my face in your face.

But yeah, you let a little shit come out.

Yeah.

There was a little poop that.

I had food poisoning.

A lot of my friends, a lot of my adult friends have shit themselves in adulthood.

I don't know anyone that's accidentally pissed themselves.

It doesn't happen.

They gotta piss on the side a lot.

Sure, but it's the less serious.

There are people who have pissed themselves getting drunk, like passed out.

I've never done that.

Really?

Never once.

I pissed in my car one time, but I like was conscious enough to pull down my pants and then piss all over the floor of the car.

Oh, that's better.

One time, my roommate in college got up in the middle of the night, fucking pulled out his fucking, pulled out his

dresser, stood up like

and then put his clothes in from a camper and then pissed on it.

No, I know someone who did that with the dryer.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, I did that all over my laptop one time.

I like woke up in the middle of the night.

So you get drunk and you understand there's a thing you have to lift.

And like.

No, I started pissing on my laptop.

I was like, oh, no, that's not right.

And then I walked over to the corner of the room and started pissing on a sewing machine.

I did see someone.

Yeah.

My friend Dan wake up,

not even totally wake up and walk over to an oscillating fan and piss in it.

That probably sounded cool.

Was it going?

Is it That'd be awesome.

I left the room.

Yeah, no, it was going.

Oh, I would love to watch that.

I left the room and I got in my car and I didn't come back.

You know what I love?

You know what I love in like airplane when somebody's like, the shit's about to hit the fan, and then like shit actually hits a fan and flies around.

And it's like, yeah, like,

they just put everything in there that they could.

Like, now I'm a fucking

no effort to edit or maybe like a better joke would work here.

You know what I was talking about the other day?

You know what I think would be funny?

Do you remember OJ's character in the Naked Gun movies with a klutz?

Yeah.

So I was just imagining him in jail, just like tripping over things, knives flipping all over him.

That's how he accidentally killed Nicole Brown.

That's how he accidentally killed this mother.

He was like holding flowers and then like some sort of series.

Flip the ends here.

Get rid of the series.

Some Rube Goldberg's sequence of events led to the death of Nicole Brown Simpson.

Yeah, the whole time that like that loony tune's like, bump, bump, bump, bad, bump, bump.

That song's playing.

They didn't even fucking mention Leslie Nielsen in that five-part documentary series.

Throw it in the trash.

What, five-part documentary series?

The OJ Naked Guns.

The OJ.

We had the show, and now there's a documentary.

Because we have to reboot OJ, too.

He's the new Steve Joves.

It's just got to have

a lot of bios on him.

Very significant figures.

When are we going to have a lady OJ?

You know?

Kanye said Kim.

Should Serena or Venus murder her wife?

Her white wife?

One of them?

Drake, if Serena killed Drake,

that would be female OJ.

Serena's the goat, man.

She's the best athlete ever.

Oh my God, shut up.

Stop driving.

That's my take, dude.

I wrote that in the Boston Review this month.

Here's my Boston Review.

It stinks.

Yankees!

Hey!

Go Sox!

Okay.

All right, Jesus fucking.

Are they still strong?

I guess I think that that's expired now.

I think people are back to disliking Boston.

Because when the Boston bombing happened, Boston is like, as a city, is like the police.

Where, you know, like after Dallas, they got a couple of days of sympathy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And so after that, Boston had a little bit of it, but that's not going to continue.

People went back to hating Boston just like they hate the police.

Every time I go there, I'm like, this is the most unattractive city.

And I'm from like an ugly place where people are like unattractive.

Yeah.

And like, you know, you move to New York and you're like, oh, people are so good looking.

Yeah.

Right.

And like, and I realize it's kind of like that in like most cities, but like Boston.

has the ugliest, most miserable fucking people.

Yeah.

Oh, you mean like they're how they're all racist?

I mean, they're ugly on the inside, yes.

But like also, just I mean, it's like the winter or something, and they just become like, yeah, they're just beaten down, and they just like scowl, and it becomes a part of their soul.

I was blown away by how less racist the South is in the Northeast

when I, you know, moved to the South.

In what ways?

Well, it's just.

You lived in Austin.

Yeah, but I mean, even if you go outside of that and go around like Texas and the South, I mean, perform plenty in the South.

I assume because because there are like less black people in Texas.

Well, it's all segregated.

I mean, it's all like every American city is segregated.

Yeah, but not like it is in the South.

Except for America, or America.

Except for New York.

Yeah, New York's like

D.C.'s pretty integrated, too.

No, it's not.

We're literally pushing them out.

Yeah, but I feel like it wasn't like that like eight, nine years ago.

It was chocolate city.

I mean, it was 75% black like 15 years ago or something crazy.

Baltimore's super segregated.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, I mean, like

in the south, it's like there's a dividing line.

I mean, Detroit's the same way where you have like one road where, you know, like I remember being in a restaurant like a block north of like Eight Mile Road.

And me and my friend went in there.

And they advertise like fucking Coney dogs all over.

Yeah, that's it.

That's Detroit.

Yeah, it's like

Jim's Coney Island.

There's all these places like Dan's Coney Island or whatever.

What's that all about?

Well, that's what I did.

I went in a diner after seeing it a million times.

I was like, what the fuck is a cone dog?

And I said that, and these like three old white guys were like, oh, man, you don't know what a pony dog is.

Like, ah, let me tell you, it's got a, you know, and he starts explaining.

He talks about your terrible depression.

Yeah, he's like, it's a hot dog, and it's got chili on it.

So I was like, oh, so it's a chili dog.

He's like, nah, it's different.

It's got onions.

I'm like, that's a chili dog.

It's like a cheese.

I'm like, you guys got nothing.

You guys got nothing at all here.

And you named it a different place.

Yeah.

He's not even right

dog.

Well, then we start talking to him and like the guy's like, well, right now you're in like Warren but you see that that's like eight mile road you do not want to go south of there and like we had like driven north from there and he's like it's filled with black people

in Canada they have a chain called Boston Pizza which is like the like an American city that has no pizza like no signature Boston pizza yeah yeah that's a thing

it's just a really racist pizza yeah

I feel like the the racism in the northeast though it's more

you know maybe it's not like holding prejudices or, you know, being or, you know, or like

holding on to stereotypes, it's because style here.

Yeah, well, it is.

It's because you're like, people are so butted up against each other.

So you're more likely to hear probably racial slurs here, but there's not as much of,

I'd say, structural.

Yeah, that structural racism you see in the South, which is like, oh, that's from when these people used to clean your house.

Right, right.

Yeah.

A black person can't be mayo.

Yeah, right.

That's the kind of racism in the south.

Right, exactly.

And they'll be really kind to, you know, to you, I guess.

Yeah.

Or maybe not.

I don't know.

I'm from Indiana, and it's like the south of the Midwest.

Like, we revived the KKK after it was gone.

We're like, yeah, huh?

My headquarters is a clanner in KKK.

Yeah, yeah.

We're not even creative.

It's really different.

We're the lady ghostbusters of racism.

Does Mike Pence want to be Veep?

God, I hope not.

Adam, stopped knowing.

Sorry.

Guys, you want to hear this is something I heard this weekend.

I walked in, or two weekends ago, I walked in on a room where there was a group of people doing cocaine, and the first thing I heard in that room was this guy saying, bro, Staten Island smokes the most weed.

We've been holding on to that this whole time.

This whole time.

And then, and then I was like, and then I was like, oh, maybe because it's like the islands, you know, like Staten Island.

We smoke the

most weed.

Staten Island.

The most irony borough.

Staten Island has its own hashtag now.

Yeah, Best Value Borough.

Hashtag Best Value Borough.

They've got those all over the Staten Island Ferry.

They've got

the borough in the white box with the black lettering that says, still technically New York.

Yeah, yeah.

How annoying would it be to live there?

It would be fucking brutal, right?

Everyone I know from there hates it.

You know, the plan all day long, dude.

Everyone I know from there hates it.

They hate it?

You have to take the ferry, right?

Yeah.

Is everyone there a firefighter?

There's a lot of people.

Everyone's union.

Yeah, everyone's either eating a sandwich

or they're a firefighter.

Yeah, I'm in the sandwich union.

Nick and I went to Staten Island when I first moved here to see the Staten Island Yankees.

Yeah.

And I'd go.

Did we tell this on the podcast?

I think so.

JP Sportman.

JP Sportman.

That was in four stories.

Yeah.

Pretty much.

I mean, we didn't tell this on the podcast.

No, no, no.

We were just talking about the podcast.

We told Felix about this recently.

Oh, yeah.

Basically, we were like,

the Staten Island Yankees play the single A team for Staten Island or for the Yankees organization.

And basically, you could just go up and sit right up front.

You sit in the dugout.

And there was a guy on the other team, the Vermont River Monsters.

And they're like

coming up next to

stadium announcer is like a short slop JP Sportman.

And so Nick and Irish just woo!

Sportman!

Sportman!

Sportman!

That's an alien who fucking.

Yeah, they're really phoning in the

River Monsters?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that's not.

The Burlington River Monsters.

Yeah, insane.

There was a fucking Staten Island dad with his two sons, and he's like harassing some guy in the bullpen.

He's like, Hey, hey, buddy, hey, can I get a ball for my fucking kid, please?

You know, and the guy ignores him, and he's like, Yeah, keep doing steroids, then you fucking faggot

right in front of his son.

His son's like right there, and he's like, Fathers are so important in a young child's life for moments like that.

Yeah,

keep doing fucking steroids.

Yeah, keep doing fucking steroids.

Like, he knows about that guy,

He's reading some blog accusing him.

He's just wearing like an FDNY shirt with a smoldering Twin Towers on it.

Jesus Christ.

They really have not forgotten it.

They haven't shut up about it.

They cannot forget about it.

That's the other slogan.

Never shut up about it.

Never shut the fuck up about it.

Hey, yeah, you're listening to 9-11 podcast.

Yeah, we do a fucking podcast every week about 9-11.

We do nine hours in a week.

Bro, I don't think you understand.

Staten Island smokes the most weed.

Oh, out of all five boroughs.

Is that was it?

Five boroughs?

It wasn't just in the world.

No, I think he was claiming that out of all five boroughs,

it's in our blood.

And I was like,

okay,

yeah.

Remember that video, that angry Guido, who was mad at his cousin for moving to Boston and becoming a Red Sox fan?

No.

Oh, man.

So it's

like, there's a guy, and he's sitting in his computer, and he's on, like, a Skype call, or he's making a YouTube video for his like cousin Nick who moved to Boston and became a Red Sox fan.

And he's just like pissed off like bro.

And he's got a friend in the background.

He's got his shirt off and he's wearing sunglasses and he's just like flexing or whatever.

And he's like, you see this?

Fucking Patron.

It's all I drink.

It's in my fucking blood.

He's like, because I'm not a fucking faggot like you.

He's like, he's like screaming and threatening to kill his fucking cousin.

That's great.

That's good stuff.

Well, we've filled our contractually obligated amount of time

to get paid by Anthony Cumia.

Yeah.

Oh, I forgot to do the Anthony Coomia bit.

Oh, yeah.

Guys, this is why.

What we were trying to this one was like high concept.

What we want to do with this one is show you what happens if you guys tried to make a podcast.

Okay?

This is how it would turn out.

It would be complete shit.

So you fucking donate the money because we're professionals and we need those track suits.

Actually, Adam's got Adam as some fucking benefactor that's getting us.

I have a

angel investor.

I love it.

He's an angel.

Yeah, well, we're getting those track suits, I guess.

We're going to do a photo shoot with my new dog, Isis.

I'm trying to get Isis in the mix, dude.

Dude, Isis is the first lady who comes up.

This isn't even discussed.

I'm not even necessarily opposed, but you can't just say it on the podcast.

Wait, did you mention the dog on this one?

Did he already bring up the dog?

We brought up ISIS.

Yeah.

Your short-term memory is short.

I'm burning up, man.

It's fucking so hot.

Yeah, you're Rastaganja, man.

All I ate today was like a bunch of chicken.

Yeah.

I got no vegetables.

Slamming over a hot stove.

Yeah.

No, I'm burnt.

Yeah, we got to go.

I got to go bomb at this stream.

Of course.

Thank you.

Yeah, thanks for doing it.

Sorry, we

can't ask you about

anything.

I don't know.

That's not Karl Marx or the economy.

Normally on Alphadog podcasts, they're really mean to the one woman in the room.

Yeah, and I'm just supposed to go.

Hey, what do you think, tits?

That is my favorite part about all those podcasts, is the girls.

You boys.

Juicy bitch.

Yeah.

Hey, hey, you with the pussy.

How many vagina lips?

How many black guys were in there this weekend?

She just makes like.

I can tell you in one place, a lot of money.

She used to make noises for like an hour and a half.

What's that?

She just makes like affectionately disapproving noises like

that.

Oh my god, you're my boy.

Well, I used to have

fun.

They had Caitlin on Race Wars, and like her only role was to give the commenters something to get angry about.

That's hilarious.

Like, pretty much, like, every episode was like, who's this fucking dumb bitch reading books on the show, talking about book shit?

It was great.

No, well, thank you for not making me the girl.

Oh, yeah.

No,

we have a no-girl policy here.

I mean, we have girls on the podcast, but

there's no podcast girl.

Appreciate it.

Which makes it hard.

You know, we've got to have somebody to shit on, and it used to be Seth.

We need an intern.

Yeah, well, we need a new Seth.

I think there's a disturbance in

the force.

In the electromagnetic fields around Earth, but that's what I've been running.

Oh, Mercury and retrograde?

The problem is that we're all bullies.

And if we don't have someone to bully, then it becomes very difficult to

reconcile our own lives, which makes it harder to hardly hardly hold our terrible lives.

It makes it harder to like talk.

So, I mean, Seth, for me, you take him out of the picture.

This is the first one where I haven't mentioned him, I think.

Well, until now.

I'm glad I could seg you into that, though, because it's really your strongest suit.

You technically did mention Seth just now.

Yeah, but

it wasn't anything mean.

No, yeah, I know.

Well, hey, perfect.

That's it.

That's

All right.

Bye.

Donate.

Bye.

Don't tell them to donate after.

After that, I have to get more stuff like this.

Yeah, all right.

To get more good stuff.

Adam, you want to say goodbye?

Yeah, I just appreciate you guys for listening.

You're probably not listening at this point.

Yeah, we've been closer.

No, I just want to see if I can get to a full hour.

Oh, how close are we?

We're like five seconds away.

Oh, okay.

Cool.

Anyone want to say the N-word?

Anyone be brave enough?

On three.

we all say the end word.

One,

two,

three.

Ah, shit.

All right.

Well, the final episode.

We did it.

Bye, guys.

What do you think, should we be for the kids on the floor?

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