Ep. 9 – Technical Difficulties

You compare flights, hotels, even coffee shops.

So why not travel insurance?

Insure My Trip lets you compare top plans side by side.

No bias, no pressure.

Lost bags, flight delays, medical drama abroad?

Covered.

It's powered by smart tech, real reviews, and expert help when you need it.

Think of it like a travel-savvy friend who actually reads the fine print.

With 20 plus years of experience and an A plus BPB rating, we've got your back.

Risk less, travel more.

Start comparing at insuremytrip.com.

That's insuremytrip.com.

It's time to head back to school and forward to your future with Carrington College.

For over 55 years, we've helped train the next generation of healthcare professionals.

Apply now to get hands-on training from teachers with real-world experience.

And as few as nine months, you could start making a difference in healthcare.

Classes start soon in Pleasant Hills, San Leandro, and San Jose.

Visit Carrington.edu to see what's next for you.

Visit Carrington.edu/slash SCI for information on program outcomes.

Okay, here we go.

9.

I think it's a big nine.

Um

this is a big one.

We got uh Jim Morgan.

I think we had it.

Really weird starting a podcast, isn't it?

I hate starting a podcast.

Well, I'm alive.

Thank you for listening.

I never know what to say either.

Yeah, no, and it's weird because especially because the stakes are so low with him.

But you know what's funny?

Like we got criticized using

retard for saying retard on here.

Which I don't think we actually did.

I said it a lot.

No, somebody really criticized us for saying retard before we actually said it.

Like, two episodes ago.

Oh, really?

They just assumed we did.

Which is fair.

Fair assumption.

You know, like a preemptive criticism.

Sure, sure.

It makes sense.

When you guys say this, it's going to bother me.

But,

you know, and then I've always been like, what is it at?

Or they're not listening.

And then we did that

music.

We were talking

like some guy came up up to us and he was like, Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I really

like the

podcast.

And I was like, oh shit, we shouldn't be saying that word.

Yeah, our friends.

We're offending our friends.

Yeah, you'd be surprised.

No matter what group you think, wow, they don't listen.

You know, like fucking eight of them come up to you to show.

You're like, oh my God, I can't believe I made fun of one-legged Jews.

Why would I do that?

They do listen.

So you have to just kind of write it off and go, I'm going to bother some people saying this because there's no way they're never going to hear you.

Yeah.

Have you had a one-legged Jew experience?

A lot.

Yeah.

That's cool.

Like, do you get a lot of hate on Twitter and stuff?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Sure.

But it is what it is.

I mean,

it's funny with Twitter and social media because a lot of them come off like they're these hardcore critics and this and that.

But it's like a lot of them are just literally

They need the same thing college students need with safe space.

Yeah, right because they can't just come out and I've they've they've gotten mad at me when I've said I despise their anonymity.

I don't respect it.

Because it's like, look, we're not in fucking communist China.

All right.

You're not criticizing the regime where you're going to be thrown in jail.

You just want the safe space.

You want to weigh in, but you don't want to weigh in as yourself.

So I get a lot of it, but I kind of take it with a grain of salt.

But it doesn't mean it's not legit criticism either.

Like I did the chip animation, and some people really loved it, and a lot of people hated it.

And you have to weed through hateful comments, like, because a lot of them are just being cunts, but some of them made great points, so you have to like weed through and go, Okay, well, that was a really smart criticism.

Yeah, they're right, this didn't capture Baba, but whatever, you know what I mean.

But let's say, between reading that, you have to read, You're a fucking piece of shit.

It's like, dude, all you had to say was, This is why I didn't like it, and I actually would have given weight to what you just said.

Yeah, right.

Well, I feel like I mean, all half those people are just mad about that, the schism, the OA schism.

Oh, that's a tremendous part of it.

Yeah, why I don't understand taking sides with like the end of two grown men's friendship.

It's a weird thing, you know.

It's like

that's basically what it is.

It's like a divorce, and they're really

dad.

Well, dad gave me a better birthday last year, so I like his house more.

They look at it like, and I can only speak from what I've heard from them, but a lot of them come from a place of like this was a show that it was a different fan base.

It was a very aggressive fan base, and very well, I remember when it was wanting when I was a teenager.

It was like, wasn't it like a bit, like a uh a pest bit to like blow a fucking air horn in like a local news reporter's ear no that was the one that ended that bit actually after they got sued yeah

yeah let's make somebody fucking deaf

yeah it was just about being stupid and getting their name out there yeah when they're when they're um

when the show ended People really did split down the middle because it was frustrating for them to see this thing that they love so much

gone.

Like one day it was there and one day it was gone.

And then when Opie and myself didn't go with Anthony, that's when a lot of the anger came out.

Like, they were angry immediately that we didn't quit.

Yeah, right.

Um, which contractually we couldn't have, we would have gotten sued by Sirius.

And then, and when we re-upped with Sirius and didn't go with Ant, I always kind of held out a secret hope that there would be some kind of reconciliation.

Um, but as time went on, it became apparent that it would not be.

But the thing I don't understand about the side-taking thing is: like, have you never had a group of friends in your life?

I mean, everybody, anybody I know knows somebody that, or knows two different people that fucking hate each other.

Sure.

And they can be friends with both of them.

And that's like a social dynamic that everyone has to navigate.

And then these people just don't understand that.

I think what bothers them is they looked at it like these guys are very, and I mean, see, these guys, meaning me too, are very real people.

They tell us how things are for them and they tell us what life is or how they see life.

And then all of a sudden, this, as you said, schism, this thing happens, and it's not the way they saw it.

They're like, these fucking guys were fake.

They didn't tell us that they didn't like each other.

They acted like everything was okay.

To me, I mean, I was there every day.

So I saw a lot of it.

But there were things that came out afterwards that I wasn't even aware of.

You know, I didn't know exactly how Opie felt.

There were times where he said things were good, and there were times where he said things were bad.

So I think the fans, if I'm sitting there and I'm not 100% sure,

like there's been a couple things that have happened in the time since the show ended that surprised me.

Yeah

But then the fans also have to be realistic too.

It's like Keith Richards and Mick Jagger really don't like each other.

Yeah, right, you know Kiss didn't like each other for years.

Yeah, Ozzy and Sabbath didn't get along at one point.

It's how it is in a creative collaboration.

The difference is when you're hearing music you're not hearing real opinions on a real-time daily basis.

You're not hearing guys.

You're not hearing the fucking recording sessions

where they're yelling at each other.

So when you're, it's just a different dynamic with talk radio, man.

Fans get very attached to it.

But the only thing that bothers me about the fans' reaction is the way they've kind of turned on the three of us.

And it's like, man, we made you laugh for fucking 10 years.

Guys that hated us all along, that's different.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But it's like all of a sudden to have such vitriolic anger towards guys that made you like, I've been pissed off at people who I enjoyed too.

Yeah.

But I didn't get that vengefully angry at them.

I guess it's kind of like a finding out like wrestling is fake sort of thing.

But

it wasn't a fake

dynamic.

I mean what you what you saw, I mean we were trying to be funny and there was a lot of it they saw before it ended too.

But yeah, maybe it is along those lines.

They just feel deceived to a certain point.

But, you know, it's like I have to let more of my personal life hang out than fucking almost anybody in show business.

Like, what do you want?

Right.

Like, that's what bothers me.

It's like, what do you fucking guys want?

Like, I've told you more about myself than most performers would have ever told you about themselves.

I told you to be funny.

I told you in times when there was a slow news day.

You know what I mean?

I just started spitting shit out.

Hey, sorry if I let you down.

What do you want me to tell you?

Half of you don't even use your real names when you yell at us.

I've told you things that most guys would never have told you.

That's like a funny comparison to the band thing.

You know, like, I always had a lot of respect for the Brian Setzer orchestra that he could manage all those people, that that band didn't break up.

You have that many people, and they never had an issue.

Or they hadn't never had a visible issue.

I'm sure they had them.

Yeah.

But, you know,

how many musicians are there in that band?

I don't even know.

It's a whole orchestra.

Yeah.

And they hold that together.

Do you think

philharmonic orchestras have like

first-chair violin has a heroin problem?

He fucks the tuba player's wife.

Yeah.

It probably happens all the time and they just boot them and you never know.

It's just another jerk off of the tux.

There's no attachment.

There's no attachment to those people.

So you'll never see them coming and going.

I would love to see a showboating

cello player.

You got to keep it together.

No more, I don't know, fucking just comes in,

make up.

I don't just like spandex.

See, I don't know shit about the orchestra.

I'm sorry I took this in this.

I'm really reaching here.

Yeah, I had motives, violins.

That's all I really understand.

I had cello.

That was it.

Yeah, I had tuba.

I don't think tubas are in orchestras, but I said it.

I'm sure they are once in a while.

Yeah.

Maybe that's what the rift is.

You know what what I mean?

Maybe one guy shows up with a two because he's better at that and they're like, we don't need this.

Whatever it just happens.

That's how marching bands started.

They literally walked down.

Just didn't stop.

Just kept going.

I'm sorry, I'm clearing my throat so much.

I realize it's coffee that does it to me.

I don't drink dairy at all, so it's like, ugh, that fucking thing you get, it's caffeine.

I got to quit caffeine.

Yeah, you're like a big, you're like a diet and exercise guy now, right?

Yeah, but I've been eating like shit lately, so I get self-hatred immediately.

So like 10 years ago, you were never like fat, but you were.

No, I was.

I was a fucking pig.

You see you were fat.

You were like round.

I was showing my driver's license photo I was an oinker I was a fucking yeah I would say fat yeah as a fat man I feel

like really

you know what I was I was like heavy I was probably around the same weight you were or like the same like when I was like 17 I was like a little bit heavier but I was like I'm not fat

so yeah I don't know what like motivated that we were doing tough crowd back in like this was like 2002 me and Nick DiPaulo had an argument in the um

you know and far be it from Nick to say something caustic we were in the uh we were in the writer's room fighting he's like ah you fat fuck.

And when he said that, I was like, oh my God, that's something people use at me now when they're mad.

I must have really put a lot of weight on it.

And I still fluctuated up and down for years after that.

It was a couple years ago.

I just got sick of it.

But I found, I was looking through my old hard drive last night, trying to find something to jerk off to that I'd say.

And I saw a picture of myself actually on camera with Genie Garoffalo for the first tough crowd.

I was so fucking fat.

Because we taped those first eight in in November of 2002.

And I remember, I think I was in four of the first eight.

And oh, was I fucking horrible?

That was like almost at my fattest.

I was probably like 175 at that point.

I think I hit 181 at one point, if I remember right.

Yeah, yeah, that's kind of fat, I guess.

Yeah.

Take that back.

That's hilarious.

Yeah.

That would be pretty big.

What was your fat guy vice?

Did you have a specific thing that you did that you just went crazy on?

Food, you mean?

No, it was everything.

So I quit smoking in 2001.

So I think that was where I just started eating more.

And And now I wasn't exercising.

I was doing this thing for a long time when we got kicked off the radio, which was again 2002, 2003, where I was watching the Sopranos and eating fruit until 4 in the morning.

I'd go to the diner and get

this giant fruit plate with

what comes with fruit cottage cheese?

And I didn't realize that that was all fattening and sugar.

Wow, getting fat fruit.

That fruit is terrific.

That's the worst way to do it.

That was just one way to do it.

I mean, there was other stuff I was eating.

Yeah, but that was just, I thought it was like thinking I was being healthy at 2 o'clock in the morning.

Well, that is pretty healthy.

Cottage cheese is like a great, you know,

post-sleep or pre-sleep meal.

Sugar keeps you up all night.

It was really awful.

Yeah, the sugar.

Yeah, I guess that's probably bad for you.

I tried to be healthy by ordering a salad yesterday, and I was like, oh, like a chicken salad.

And it was just like...

I just ordered from a place I'd never gotten.

It was like four pieces of lettuce and just a chicken cutlet on top of it.

And I was like, well, I guess I ate a salad today.

Yeah, you got to ask for grilled chicken.

You got to ask for chicken.

So

the why do vegan tell me you're fucking worse than me when I order.

I'm horrible.

I order everything exactly how I want it.

I went to Joe's

by the stand in the fucking place.

And I was like, can I get just a chicken salad?

And the guy was like, what?

Like,

what do you mean, like a chicken salad?

I'm like, yeah, no, that's literally, yeah, that's what I said.

Yeah, let me get a chicken salad.

He's like, oh, okay, I guess.

And he was like, weird about it.

I was like, what the fuck was that?

And then they bring bring the, and it was chicken salad.

It wasn't like aged.

With mayo and stuff, right?

With mayonnaise.

And it was a giant scoop, like the size of a half a fucking basketball in the plate.

And they're like, yeah, it's like $13.

He thought I just wanted like a, you know, three pounds of chicken.

Okay, put it in my hand, please.

I'll take it.

The plate of fucking mayonnaise.

No, you got to ask for a regular salad and they say, I want grilled chicken on it.

That's how you got to order that, because chicken salad, they bring you that fucking, like you said, that scoop of mayo.

It sucks.

This is excellent content.

I know, it really is i know we're just chatting about

three fucking hens yeah fetching about our weight oh i don't know it goes right to my hips i tried the fruit salad it's delightful we really should be killed

but i don't know i guess it's just weird to think that like because you seem like you know very like not obsessive but like detail oriented and you got a schedule and you got to like you know keep things going all the time so the weight fitness stuff and like the diet stuff makes sense in the context of your personality now i don't like what was your thing before diet and exercise?

I was up, I mean, you know, I was, as much as I talk about escorts and stuff, I really don't do that much at this point.

But back then, man, I was in straumatic depression.

I was doing

like fucking dominatrixes every night, escorts every night,

you know, till three o'clock in the morning.

We did afternoons when I was in MEW, so I was not a morning person.

So I'd go to bed at six in the morning, seven in the morning, get up at two or three in the afternoon.

Tough crowd tape to three.

So we get the topics.

I'd write the night before.

I'd get up at like noon at the fucking earliest and then kind of go sluggish to work.

So it's like there was no time to exercise.

After that, it would be right to work and do gigs and up all night again.

So now getting up in the morning kind of helps you be more regimented in life.

So that's why I hate it, but I like it for that reason.

I feel like a real person.

Because you quit drinking like young.

I was 18, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Do you regret that at all?

No, no, no, no.

I don't.

Do you regret quitting?

I do.

I do.

I've been sober for a couple of years, and I don't know why.

I don't understand why I'm doing it.

There's times where I was like, hey, hey, smoking pot would be fun, but I learned from the people who, is that too loud, that thing?

No, I'm not.

You sure?

Okay.

There's times where I crave it.

Like, wow, that'd be fun.

But then I look at people who are wrecking their careers with it, and I'm like, no, it wouldn't be.

Because I'm the guy who wrecks his career with it.

Joe Rogan fucking eats pot and then practices jiu-jitsu.

I'm not that guy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm not the guy that fucking eats pot and then succeeds.

I'm the guy who smokes pot and does nothing.

I don't really have a career to wreck.

So, I mean, it's kind of just just like, you know, I just haven't had fun in the last three and a half years.

I guess things have gone better for me.

Things are definitely better.

You used to live with a

clown rape victim from the army in a closet in Baltimore.

Remember that?

That was your life.

You were a part-time, what, were you, a telemarketer for a symphony?

Yeah, yeah.

You don't think your life is better since you quit drinking?

Now I look worse for not knowing shit about the orchestra when I actually

worked for the Baltimore Symphony Orchestra.

I was like a telefunder for them.

I worked in the basement at nights and I would like call old people and beg them for money for the orchestra.

Oh my god.

Yeah, and

I lived with a clown that had PTSD from when he was raped in the army.

So he would like fucking wake up in the middle of the night hyperventilating and screaming and then throwing his clown shit all over the fucking...

Who raped him?

Another clown, I guess.

Yeah, it was in clown combos.

Other soldiers.

That was a story.

Yeah.

Yeah, wow.

He rushed a clown fraternity and they ran him.

And it's shitty.

I know, like, you know, believe victims or whatever, but I don't think it

just didn't make sense.

Yeah, there's times where victims are lying, too.

I mean, just because they're victims, or they say they're victims.

Everyone's not a victim just because they say they are.

Yeah.

I mean, the story, the way he told it is, like, he was coming out of surgery at, like, age 47, and he, like, one of the orderlies in the hospital looked creepy, and then he had, like, a flashback to, like, oh, yeah, when I was in the army, I got raped.

But there's you know repressed memories is kind of like a bunk science a lot of that's just like suggestion you know on the part of a therapist it can be yeah although I know cases where it's really come back

you know where your mind shuts down and fucking because you're protecting the person

or protecting someone who abused you or whatever or protecting yourself from it it's a good time for

you do that bit though about your friend with the star what was it the star wars cards or the star wars toys oh yeah my friend who got uh

i think molested by the fucking security guard.

He pulled his dick out to show him that he didn't have any Star Wars.

That's a true story.

He came back.

The store was Corvette's white trash department store in New Jersey.

And I just forgot it for years.

But I didn't repress that or wipe it out.

It might have just been unpleasant or scary, and I walked away from it.

But I wasn't the one who was abused.

He didn't ask to see my dick.

He asked to see my friend's dick.

Well, it's like the satanic ritual.

The satanic ritual abuse scandals in the 80s.

You know, they have all these kids where they're like, and then did he, you know, like, and you can say no, but did he bend you over and fuck you in the ass and pull your hair?

You know, and then the kid's like, yes.

They're just like playing with a truck and not even looking at the investigator.

And like,

most of those people recanted.

But there was like one or two, like, if you watch, you know, Capturing the Friedmans, I think there's like one guy that's like, no, he did it.

He's still convinced that it happened.

Yeah, that's a very weird thing with repressed memories and childhood.

Like the McMartin Preschool.

You know what I mean?

It was a whole thing was a.

I don't know that story.

Oh, it's a really huge story.

Look up the McMartin Preschool with the power of suggestion.

A bunch of kids said that these teachers molested them.

In hindsight, it looks like they really didn't.

Well, that's what that's what.

Yeah, but this case was.

Did you see Capturing the Friedmans?

I did, yeah.

One of those guys was at the comedy seller one night.

Oh, really?

One of the victims or one of the Friedmans?

One of the Friedmans.

Oh.

Okay.

I think.

Did you ask him if he did it?

Don't remember.

I don't remember.

It would be great if you just conspired with everyone in there that was there that night to be like, he raped all of us.

He came in and he raped everybody and he came to the cellar.

I don't think we knew he was there while I was on, or I don't remember if I knew he was on.

God fucking damn.

Do you guys talk?

I'm going to open my washer thing because that's going to beep my shit out of me.

Look at Mr.

Where's clothes over here?

So how do you feel about this, Dobb?

How's it going?

Pretty good.

I think, you know, we could pick it up probably.

I want to ask about Dominatrix's probably next in a second.

That would be a good idea.

We could do that.

Always talk more about Bray She.

We probably could have gotten more into Baltimore that weird period of time in Baltimore

where you were a big-time alcoholic and you were.

I mean, I was a big-time alcoholic, you know, for years.

Yeah, well, that's, but I knew you then when you were,

yeah.

You know, there's plenty of

this is a nice little mid-podcast check-in.

It is a good mid-podcast check-in.

This apartment is so nice.

I'm like, just so relaxed.

You usually do it in your shitty office, you know, where I'm thinking about getting all that free cereal.

That woman so badly wanted to kick me out lately.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Excuse me, who are you here with?

She asked me that like three times.

They barely want me there.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

He has his fucking dumb job at this office in Midtown.

So you can tell I'm like.

Yeah,

I work for this company.

They're trying to do a comedy.

They're trying to launch a comedy site, but the rest of it is all clickbait.

Like, they all do

just the worst parts of the internet.

They're just

ripping off anything that's successful.

They just do their own version.

And it makes the sad part is that's what makes the most money.

It's not original content.

It's just taking other ideas and retreading them.

But most of the people there are just like,

you know, it's coders, it's advertising people, it's like professional people.

And it's like...

Yeah,

the company is like, what are they, their main thing is like programmatic ad sales or something.

It's an advertising company.

And then, you know, I think what their main thing is they

find like media outlets or websites and then they tailor like ad content for those sites.

But then to make more money they said, well, why don't we have our own proprietary sites?

Right.

And then put the ads on there.

And then one of them is like an onion or like, yeah.

And then they're turning into a comedy, but whatever.

What matters is that most of the people there are professional, like, you know, real people with real fucking jobs and shit.

And then we come in every once in a while with dog t-shirts and Mullen's wearing a Mountain Dew sleeveless tee and they're just trying to kick us out.

We do the podcast there and it's like, clearly we don't belong there.

Clearly this is, you know, we're the people that are just working for the comedy site and doing a cum podcast in one of their conference rooms.

But I'm surprised with the internet and stuff, there's so many people that work on it that don't wear a suit and a tie.

Like, I'm surprised they're not used to that dynamic of, you know, somebody who's different or odd coming in.

I mean, it's just, it's not that uncommon with the fucking web.

Yeah, well, it's mostly because like I'm screaming in the the kitchen or whatever

she got she got mad at me because Adam said that like Adam told this story about he's like the other guy we do this podcast with Adam was like watching well fuck cuz not his friends listen I can't I can't tell his

well whatever he said he overheard like some girl he's watching like Game of Thrones with some girl and the episode ends and the girl was like it's just so cool that we like all get to be a part of this like cultural event together

it's like a cultural movement she was referring to game of thrones as like a cultural movement And then, you know, we were like making fun of her in the kitchen or whatever.

And I was like, yeah, like, you know how Dr.

Martin Luther King wrote Game of Thrones.

And the receptionist was like, she's like a black lady.

And I saw her like fucking snap and look at me as soon as I said, Dr.

Martin Luther King.

You're just taking free cereal.

It's 6 p.m.

You're loading up on their breakfast cereal that they have there and eating and drinking coffee.

It's all special K they have there.

And she asked me like three times.

She's like, who are you here with?

Does he know you're here?

And it always kicked me out.

I want to to ask you this about because you know about like uh

uh, I guess, well, prostitutes and stuff.

Because somebody told me, Do you know what FinDom is?

Uh, financial elimination, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Somebody told me yesterday that that does, that's not real.

Like, oh, it's real, like a grizzled vet,

but they're that there's no real market for it, but people do that for real.

There are, of course, there's guys that I used to date a Dominatrix.

There are guys that love that.

They absolutely is real.

I'm not saying it's a big fetish, but there's a lot of guys that love opening their wallet.

It's probably more wishful thinking on the part of the Dominatrixes, too.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But there are guys that love that type of humiliation.

I don't get it at all.

I don't do it.

I think it's stupid.

I'm tactile.

You know, I need to fucking ass in my face.

I got to smell it.

That's how most people are.

Yeah.

With coming.

That's what I don't get about when a Dominatrix, it's like they just treat you bad.

And then, look, do whatever you want at first.

Treat me like shit, whatever.

But at some point, I want to come.

Sure.

Yeah, right.

That's where it's going to be.

Well, at the end of the day, with the FinDom shit, you're still beating off.

And if you're beating off, then it's like a fantasy.

And then it's like, why don't you just fantasize about someone taking your money?

It's not enough anymore.

You can keep the money.

No, it's progression.

It's not enough.

How come you only just drink one beer?

Well, because eight is what I need now.

That's how it is with this shit.

It doesn't feel good anymore.

Got to keep upping the ante a little bit, a little bit.

Got to do this.

FinDom does nothing for me.

I don't get it.

I mean, I get it, but it's stupid to me.

Yeah, no, because there's this girl that hates Kurt, that went after Kurt, who just like a nut job internet person.

And she does FinDom now, I guess, because she couldn't get a job writing

yeah no someone was telling me that there's no way that she actually has a job doing that because no one will

she does financial domination but online where she just like texts you like fuck you pig and then apparently men give her money for that what yeah it's a weird thing with uh there are guys that like to be like if you would have told me at one point in my life that I would ever get turned on by a woman putting her feet in my face while I jerked off I would have thought you were a nutty but

you grew into feet.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I never liked that.

When I did, my ex girlfriend, who was Dominatrix, had beautiful size, eight feet, never cared about them.

Never.

It was something that happened after.

Recent development.

Yeah, it was one of those things where you just get bored and you move on.

So financial domination is probably one of those things where guys who love just having hookers say, open your wallet.

Yeah.

Or Dominatrix should say, open your fucking wallet, worthless.

Yeah.

Lick my feet worthless.

Just a way of feeling worthless and used and shitty.

Probably guys like judges and fucking hedge fund guys and guys that get whatever they want.

That's weird.

And now I have to worry about that, that I might turn into one of those guys.

Your dad at age like 60 got into trains and it was so fucking embarrassing.

I hope he didn't want to be the middle.

Two darker studs than that.

Well, no, really.

It's like 63rd birthday, and he's like, yeah, my wife took me up to some bullshit town in Pennsylvania to go see a a train.

And then he's like, got videos of the train on his phone.

I swear to God, I thought you meant threesomes.

No, no.

I swear to God, I thought you meant threesomes.

Why would I be ashamed of you?

It's more embarrassing to be in the

old trains.

Yeah, no, he became like a railroad fan at age 63 after I had spent 15 years making fun of those people on the internet.

Your dad turned autistic at 63.

And those are just in your jeans.

He just likes to look at trains.

He just likes trains.

Yeah, he likes to enjoys looking at trains.

He used to oh man one time i like he used to wake up uh so his wife doesn't let him do anything he's not allowed to have like friends

and one time he used to he's like wake up at like four four like 345 four o'clock in the morning and like go out into like where his like laptop is by the kitchen area in the apartment and like quietly look at model cars on ebay

Like slot cars and stuff that he wasn't allowed to buy.

His wife wouldn't let him have anything, but he would just look at these collectibles that he would have if he could.

But he had to sneak out into the

computer area to do that.

Why?

I don't know, because his life's shit.

You don't like her?

No, she's great, actually.

She was a nightmare when I was a teenager, but now that I'm an adult and she doesn't have any control over me, she's a lot of fun.

Right, really fun.

She's like, we went to my grandmother's funeral like two months ago, and she's like, you know, well, I got to stop to get, and she gets those little, like, you know, those tiny liquor bottles so you can get dropped at the funeral.

Yeah.

She's yelling like, fuck you to everybody, and everyone's starting like horrified.

Oh, wow.

This is funny.

I think it's

once you're out of it, it's fun to watch from a distance.

It's not my funeral.

I don't give a shit.

Let her ruin it.

Is your dad embarrassed by her?

Is he like one of those codependents who's like, oh, you know, she's just grieving, you know, or is he.

It's not, it was his mom.

Yeah.

It wasn't.

He was the one that was grieving.

She was just drinking.

So she was just being an asshole?

I guess, yeah, a little bit.

I don't know how he.

I mean,

they're not.

Well, I mean, maybe they're happy.

Who fucking knows?

They've been together forever now.

Right.

But at a certain point, it's like, what are you going to do?

Right.

When you're like, you know, 60, whatever.

Yeah.

What are you going to start a new life?

Yeah, it's hard when you're older.

I feel bad for older women.

I think older guys have a shot.

We can always go out and find somebody.

But if you're like in your fucking late 50s, early 60s with two kids.

You don't have a shot if you're like 63 years old and you just like trains.

Yeah, that does knock.

You're working out money.

You're just a guy that likes trains.

Yeah.

You're not knocking a lot of pussy off the auction block when you fucking come with that.

Yeah.

The only woman he can fuck are the women that are tied up on the tracks.

From rescue.

Oh, man.

So usually we take a break right around now.

You break on your podcast?

Yeah, yeah.

Why do you break?

Just because it offers people a split.

If you do like a 30-minute chunk, people will listen to 30 minutes.

If they're like, I don't know, I've read it.

Where are we at?

Time-wise?

About 30 minutes.

Okay, we'll take a quick break.

Yeah.

Sounds good.

Take a quick break.

Do you do any ads?

No, we do

like Patreon where people can just

donate.

It's like a monthly donation.

Do they donate?

Yeah, no, we're getting like, I don't know, 90 bucks.

That's nice.

Yeah.

My friend started a podcast like two months ago, and that's where I got the idea for the Patreon thing.

And I checked yesterday to see how much money they're making off donations to their podcast.

And do you want to guess?

Is it a good podcast?

Yeah, it's a good podcast.

$1,000 a month?

No.

It's just shy of like $8,000 a month.

Wow.

For like a podcast.

Off like donations.

That's good.

That's insane.

If we were smart, because they're smart guys.

Yeah, they do like they know about fucking Syria journalism and shit like that.

Yeah.

We're not like,

we don't really know stuff.

Yeah.

We barely can keep a conversation going.

Right, perfect.

So we'll take a break.

Sure.

And then either, so here's the thing: either we'll decide, like, if we're having a good time, we'll continue or like we'll just get get Adam for the second.

Oh, a teacher.

Yeah, sir.

So take a break, and we'll be back.

They say, you can't say that.

So you wearing a phone right now?

Well, Shasta McNasty is saying it.

So you want a brokish?

Do you have a sister?

People say don't do that.

Give them breasts and plans.

We say do the McNasty.

The McNasty.

Shasta McMasty.

The WWF big show and Sydney Mardola's guest star on the series premieres.

You want to play in her sandbox?

You're going going to have trading that little digger for a steam shuffle, baby.

A full hour beginning at 8, 7 central UPM Tuesday.

Bitch.

Okay, we're back, and Jim Norton is gone.

Stobb's fault, mainly.

Oh, he loved me.

Yeah, no,

we recorded a second half with Jim, and then the

recorder shut off because I didn't change the batteries.

I think there was like a rape override.

We talked about rape for too long.

We talked about a bunch of shit for too long.

It was bad.

Yeah,

it was fucking terrible.

It's probably better that it got erased, but it shut off, and then I didn't know what to do, so I panicked and just pretended like it was still on for a while.

That's right, because at the end, you were like, oh no, it doesn't work.

Yeah.

But hopefully Jim won't listen to this.

He won't find out.

No chance he listens.

Yeah, of course not.

No, I don't think he even knows the name of the podcast.

Didn't ask, didn't at all.

Yeah.

But yeah, no, we really fucked that one up.

That was like a big one.

I know.

We should have done some work for us.

It was a big guest, and we kind of ruined it by

less prepared than when we do it with you, Adam.

Yeah, you know what I mean?

But we're friends.

We can't be like, hey, Jim, do you know about Doctor Evil?

So, all right, we're going to pretend that I'm Doctor Evil.

And you need to react to it as if I actually were.

I mean, what was just like you didn't have anything to talk about with him?

No, not really.

I mean, there's plenty of shit to talk about.

It's just like we want to just say dumb shit.

Yeah.

And,

you know, I don't know if he was on board with that.

No, he's like answering earnestly.

It was, yeah, it was like he was having like a really nice.

We talked about like, actually, that's probably going to stay in the first one, huh?

Yeah.

The first, the people I already listened to.

We talked about like dieting.

Yeah,

it was 27 minutes of talking about chicken salad and the best, what you have to do to order chicken salad at Joe's.

I told a great anecdote about going to Joe's on Third Avenue, and I asked for a chicken salad.

Oh, yeah.

And the guy was like, What do you mean?

I'm telling literally the same story.

People just listen to this, by the way.

So these are the same.

Adam was here.

I mean, now you're telling me the stories.

Oh, that's right.

I'm sorry.

It's a whole new bitch.

Yeah.

We have Felix Peterman from

Chapman at Trap House, honorary Puerto Rican Rattlesnake, Felix Peterman, and Adam.

Of course.

I'm back.

Adam, the Puerto Rican Rattlesnake.

And I'm actually now, I'm Sherad Roshalkius.

Yeah.

Sherad's Black.

Sherrod Rosalius.

The Black Orecan rattlesnake.

The Black Orecan rattlesnake from Race Wars.

Spin-off.

Stav told me he had a racial awakening on his way here.

That's absolutely right.

Yep.

I'm a Black Orecan now.

Yeah, we're actually now live at the Anthony Cumio Studios 2 in Bedstock.

Bedstead.

And believe it or not, Anthony's not actually allowed in this neighborhood.

So we have to Skype him in whenever he tells us how to decorate the studio because he wants it to look just like the top of the Empire Estate Building where his real studio is.

Oh man.

He likes to stand on the balcony and just say the N-word.

Yeah.

So this whole place is filled with lawn jockeys,

a lot of blackface art.

The way Anthony wants the Al Jolson wing of the studio.

All of his concealed carry permits throwing the walls.

African masks with darts in them.

I think the thing that sums up this studio is the graphic that reads right when you walk in, have you ever tried counting to six million?

And it really makes you think.

And you're like, no, it's too big of a number.

How could a number be that big?

I agree.

I agree.

He said that Mr.

Show sketch with the highest number, but with the Holocaust.

The next guy to add one number to another number is going to hear from my 45.

That's such a good sketch.

But boss.

Oh, man.

The pitch for that sketch must have made absolutely no sense.

I mean, most of them, most of those.

Most of their sketches were like that.

That's what made it such a funny show, is that they were just trying to be funny.

Also, the fact that they kind of circumnavigated the fact that it's really hard to end a sketch.

Yeah,

that was just by just blowing it up and then, like, you know, you know, mash it or whatever.

I'm trying to.

Maybe you guys can help me with this.

Stav's company pays $50 for anyone who can come up with a sketch.

Doesn't matter if you're homeless.

That's true.

It doesn't matter if you're illiterate.

I did get that $50 for an anonymous sketch.

That's right.

It's dropping this week, baby.

Well, I want to do.

I'm going to suck to see it.

Here's what I need to.

We need to riff this one out.

Maybe we can just do it on the podcast and then sell the idea.

Yeah, so it's Jurassic Park.

But Attenborough is like, we can bring back the dinosaurs and then we can fuck them.

And

he just wants to fuck the dinosaurs.

You fucking dick, suck it.

You do the song.

That's pretty much all we got to say.

Well, no, okay.

so the mosquito,

it's sealed and cum.

And he says,

this proves that even the tiniest of creatures can be fucked.

I love it.

Something about maybe getting pissed on by a hot, thick stream of brontosaurus piss.

Yeah, being pissed on by Brian.

Have you imagined eating the asshole of a brontosaurus as it unloads tons and tons of waste of foliage into your mouth?

And he just wants to fuck the dinosaurs.

Maybe Chris Pratt knows how to jack off Velociraptors.

He's the only guy who's a bad person.

Is he really cool, though?

Yeah, he's a cool.

He's got a cool, I'm not fat anymore style action star.

Yeah, I don't appreciate that.

That guy betrayed us.

Can you imagine how good he is at giving head?

You know, because fat people are good at giving head.

Hell yeah, dude.

I eat a lot of shit.

Because they like champion.

That's my favorite.

I know.

You know what they say about fat girls, dude?

Is they're better at giving head because they like eating.

You know those guys?

Yeah, hell yeah, dude.

Yeah, because that's how you do it.

you get nourishment like that.

That's the way you eat things is by sucking it off.

Classic.

So, what speaking of getting sucked off or jerked off, somebody has a little story.

Oh, yeah, tell the story.

Somebody got their little.

Should I?

Yeah, absolutely.

I already told everybody.

So you said it during the first half?

No, but I've been.

Yeah.

I got a

massage, uh,

full-service massage.

What happened, dude?

That's when you get jerked off in Jersey.

It's a full service massage.

Yeah, they actually don't let you jack off by yourself in Jersey.

Yeah, it's a big problem they have.

The union, the gas, and the

union is too strong.

I had a slight headache.

I was walking down Canal Street at about five in the afternoon a couple weeks ago.

And I saw, and I had my back hurt because I had my laptop in my backpack, and I saw a massage $25.

Nice.

I was like, that's $25, 30 minutes.

We're with a deal.

Tell me off air.

On Canal?

Canal and what?

We'll talk about it.

There's like 35 of these places on Canal.

There's like a hundred.

Yeah.

Every single one of those places where they have like a discount massage, they'll jack you off.

The best part of it.

Yeah, give us the whole thing.

The best part of it is like, she's like, you want hard or soft?

And I was like, hard.

And so she just starts walking on my back, and it hurt.

It's like very uncomfortable.

It was a terrible massage.

She actually fucked up my back for like four days.

That's hilarious.

But she jerked you off.

She likes to be able to do it.

So

you think you're going to get beat off or no?

It really wasn't in the front of my mind.

You had an inkling, though.

If it happens, it happens.

Listen to this motherfucker.

Oh, I don't know if

this $25 massage place will beat me off in the basement of a fucking shoe store.

Yeah.

This is like that Jim Carrey movie where he can't say no.

Yeah.

I was supposed to shoot it.

Liar liar.

No, no, there was another one that was just like like Yes Man.

Yeah, yeah, yes, man.

How did he make that movie?

Well, I mean, I consider Liar Liar the Quran and Yes Man like the Hadith.

Yeah.

Like it expanded on the lessons of that movie.

Exactly.

The best part was she's like, okay, hand or mouth with condom.

And I was like, I don't.

My sister listens.

Okay, whatever.

It's too late.

It's too late.

All right.

When I was 19, I was in Israel and a strip club.

You're worried about your sister hearing about sex on the Cum podcast.

Yeah, yeah, that's true.

I was in Israel at a strip club.

There was this Russian woman with braces and fake tits.

She had a necklace on that said sex on it.

Oh, where do you get that necklace?

She said, fuck.

And I was there with like a broken shit.

You came with the braces.

I was on my occupation tour with my friends.

Of course.

And you were there to steal the rightful land of Palestinians.

Just like,

and

lap dances were 20 shekels, which is like $5.

And we're getting like a ton of lap dances.

I love that you're complaining about the price of.

No, no, no.

He's talking about what a bargain it is, dude.

He's chewing it up even further.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

There's no way

shekels.

Yeah, there's no way a Jew can complain about or mention the cost of something without it sounding like a complaint.

That's where all that like Sheldon Adelson money goes.

It goes to subsidized strippers.

We'll pay for $15 of the last piece.

That's actually pretty smart.

Anyway,

she's like, you want private room.

So I went and she was like, blowjob with condom 200 shikel.

And I was just like, which is like

$10.

And

I had my meal stipend thing for the month.

Like, the program gave us a meal stipend.

Yeah.

And I literally had an envelope of cash in it.

And I like fumbled through it I just

shared the cache.

And I got a blowjob with a condom, came in three minutes.

That's the same thing.

Maybe less.

Okay.

And

the braces, the braces tear it off immediately.

That's smart.

That's less time than it takes for the Iron Dome to block a missile.

Exactly.

Same technology.

That's actually what they call that braces blowjob.

Iron Dome.

That's her nickname.

There he is.

There's the bulldog.

Oh, God.

This is so extremely online.

This is so good.

Yeah, well, I love getting iron dough.

Dude, it was iron dough.

I love getting iron dough from Retarda Girls.

Yeah, she mouth retarded.

Her mouth retarded as hell, dog.

Left my

entire meal stipend for the month.

In this girl's mouth?

In that strip club.

That's hilarious.

I starved.

Literally for a month, I would eat at five o'clock once a day.

Yeah, I'd wait till ironic.

That's like Ramadan.

I'd eat at five.

It was like my Jewish Ramadan.

Anyway, I felt horrible about the whole thing.

Yeah, fast forward.

Fast forward two weeks ago.

She turns me over.

She's like 50.

So you're fully nude?

She pulls.

No, not yet.

I'm in my boxing.

Okay.

That's the point of the story.

That's the funniest part of the whole story.

What does this person look like, by the way?

What's that?

How are we looking?

What does she look like?

You know, I don't want to do the accent, but

she's a Chinese woman.

But is she hot, is what I'm getting at here.

She was attractive.

I know that people can't see this because this is a podcast, but Adam just put on a straw hat.

Yeah, and he's really stretching his eyes.

He's got tape all over the place.

All right, gong sound.

Doodle, doodle, doo, doo, doo, doo, doodle.

Doodle, doodle, ding, ding, ding, ding.

We're in the massage parlor.

So she says,

do you want to touch me?

And I was like, okay.

So she takes my hand, puts it up her shirt, and I'm just like squeezing her boob.

I'm like, okay, okay, that's not bad.

And she was good.

She's like, yeah, she's like, okay, hand or mouth.

And I was like, I'm not going to go for mouth with condom.

I think I'm going to go hand.

And there's an expert practitioner.

I see what you're saying.

You're thinking she's much better at it.

I've never gotten a good hand job in my life.

I'll agree with you.

I don't either, yeah.

Not even from me.

I abuse my shit.

You don't have a good time.

She did a 50 million times better than i've ever done so she's a pro incredible

but the best part was i was wearing my boxers

she pulls out my boxers and she looks at my dick and then she looks up at me and she goes oh like it was

the biggest dick she'd ever seen in my entire life and i was like oh come on yeah please she's just like it's so big a girl like dubbin is not a girl like that win was doing the same shit she's like oh my god it's okay.

She's like pretending to choke on my.

It's like, listen, I've had my dick for a very long time.

I know exactly how big my dick is.

It's not a big fucking dick.

She was doing fake gagging, dude.

It was so embarrassing.

I was embarrassed for both of us.

She was actually just gagging.

Yeah.

From Repulse.

Hey, what the fuck?

Anyway, I left.

I came super quick also.

She was.

She beat you off.

She beat me off.

It was amazing.

How much does the whole shebang run you?

It was $75.

I left, and I was just like so mad at myself.

I was like, New York City, you've done it again.

You just fucking vacuumed $75 out of my pocket.

Whatever, man.

That could have been a decent pair of pants.

It could have lasted me a couple years.

That's true.

And I just fucking paid for his sex work.

Not that there's anything wrong with that, right?

That's legit.

And then I told the girl that I was used to be dating.

I'm not dating her anymore.

And she was like so mad at me.

You told the girl you used to be dating that you got beat off.

Yeah, we had like an open thing.

That you paid to get jacked off by someone that looks exactly like her.

Yeah.

So she was like

what her life would be like if her parents didn't.

But I thought like it was like this progressive thing where she's like, yeah, I want to fuck other people too.

Yeah, that's totally a Bernie Sanders move, dude.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, Bernie Sanders.

She does cam work.

Or she did cam work, so I didn't think that it was like a big deal to her.

And she's like, you're disgusting.

That's disgusting.

Interesting.

I don't feel bad.

Is cam work bad, though?

I I feel like you have to because we live in the future now.

Yeah, you have to beat off on camera.

That's like the new way to fuck.

I would love, if my dick was bigger, I would beat off with a Luchador mask on.

You don't have to have a big dick, dude.

You already have all those Instagram followers.

That's true.

A lot of game men want to fuck me.

Yeah, you can do that.

There was a guy I saw on Chatterbait one time who had to be like 89 years old.

He looked like...

What is darn him?

There was a guy I saw on Chatterbait one time.

He's this old-ass man.

Wait, how does Chatterbait work?

People just jack off on Canada.

You're not cared with people jacking on.

No, no, no.

That's Chat Roulette.

Chatterbait is

a gallery.

Yeah,

it's like a gallery.

You can choose somebody to watch Masturbate or whatever.

An 89-year-old man beat up.

Yeah, I was like, look how old this man is.

I mean,

there is a market for everything on K.

Half of bodybuilders support themselves by jacking off on their stuff.

That's how they buy animals.

Really?

Is they do gay-for-pay stuff.

Yeah.

Hell yeah.

There's actually a separate room in GNC where you can do all these

supplements.

But when Arnold,

to raise money to come to America, Arnold's dad actually just recorded himself jacking off on an 8mm,

distributed it like over the Iron Curtain.

Oh, God.

He's a cop, you idiot.

Well, that guy, yeah, that guy, he was like, you know, like 89 years old,

you know, big long white beard.

He looked like the giver.

You know, the cover of the giver?

He looked like that guy.

Like Walt Whitman.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He looked like Walt Whitman.

All the fucked kids, right?

Yeah,

less of a sexual deviant than the actual Walt Whitman.

This was just a guy that jacked off on camera instead of on little boys' faces.

So he's got, and he's got like this distended belly and like, you know, just like an old fucking ass man.

He's got nipple clamps and he's like beating it, hitting his dick with shit, and he's jacking off.

And he just seemed to be having like a great time.

And I'm like, you know what?

Good for him.

Figured out the computer.

He's like, you know, living an active life.

This isn't like, it's not deviant if he's like, you know, like his family's probably like, yeah, grandpa loves the computer.

They're like, yeah, he's using the camera to keep in touch with friends from the war.

He's Skyping all the time.

Yeah, yeah, he loves Skype.

He messages on Skype all the time.

He doesn't really use any of the email software we got him, but it's yeah, he loves that camera.

So, you know, he's holding out.

Oh, my God.

Have you guys ever tried to have Skype sex before?

I have.

It's terrible.

I have.

It's so bad.

You just feel silly.

Like, you see yourself in the little box.

You see the little corner.

It's your mangled face just beating off.

Oh, no.

I get a top angle.

of my dick and I angle it down so that my dick looks good.

No, I'd go.

You're like the title.

Just trees and leaves.

I got a lens flare coming out of the city.

Is it Jesse Chaste voiceover?

I don't know what I gave you.

Yeah, I only do it in 70 millimeter.

70 millimeter.

Delight.

It's exquisite.

I mean, Louis D.K.

is really adamant about using a red box for his jack off footage.

Yeah.

When he does it in front of women without their consent.

They're bringing that back.

That's coming back.

Roseanne was talking about it.

Yeah, Roseanne was talking about it.

Who was it?

Jen Kirkman that said that?

Yeah, apparently.

She said it and then deleted it.

She said that he, like, she either said that he did it to her or brought up the allegations and then deleted the tweet.

Interesting.

That he's just like a subway jack offer, like, but he doesn't know.

Yes, he does it in his hotel room.

He dresses his hotel room up like a subway station

and then invites people.

No, you got to swipe.

You got to swipe to get in.

Yeah, he's an autistic pervert because he has to incorporate trains.

Yeah.

Oh, God.

I don't know.

I mean, it seems like

from what I've heard, there's been no substantial claim.

It might be a thing he likes to do consensually is beat off in front of people.

But if that's a thing, then that's just like kink shaming.

Yeah.

Whatever.

He's the president of comedy.

Well, I don't know.

I mean, if he's doing that,

here's my stance.

If he's doing that against people's will, I'm against it.

So sorry, guys.

Well, even then, I'm

not.

Sorry, guys.

Dude, I'm against you.

You're really taking forms of sexual assault.

Sorry.

You're coming out firing shots.

That's the kind of guy I am.

Wow.

Well, hold on.

You know, I didn't say, you know, I said if, you know, but

what other comedian?

Remember, there was that one comedian, Champion, that guy Champion.

Was it Vince Champion?

The clean guy who was also like a rapist and murder.

No, now I'm just accusing Vince Champion of being the rapist.

There was a guy that was like on the road.

Champion Brothers from D.C., those guys?

Yeah, no, Champion Brothers.

There's like four or five guys.

When I watch porn, do you remember that bit?

They had this very anti-gay bit.

What was it?

Do you remember?

Dude, this guy had a bit of a pro-porn bit, which was incredible.

I don't remember.

It made no sense.

He's like, when I watch porn, I ain't trying to hurt nobody.

Yeah, they were great.

There was a guy doing anti-gay bits at Caroline's the other night.

Remember that?

That guy that was like, just don't do it around me.

Who, Matteo?

Oh, yeah, it was Matteo.

Well, in my defense, it was Open Mike Knight.

There was a guy, I remember, did I talk about Big Ron on the podcast before?

I don't know if it was, yeah, I think that was his name.

Big Ron.

Big Son.

Did we cut you off?

I don't remember.

Who, me?

Yeah.

I don't know, probably.

Whatever.

Who can't?

You do that shit all the fucking time, dude.

We're going to beef about it.

I do?

No.

I mean, him.

Adam does.

Adam does.

Yo, let's blaze up.

Adam's the cutoff.

No, there was this guy that used to go to Japanet.

He would do the mic at Japanay.

Oh, what a shit.

Yeah, that sushi restaurant where the light was just Ian Salmon like drunkenly holding up a candle at you.

Oh, Ian Salmon.

Yeah, yeah.

Who would do 35 minutes in between every comic?

But yeah, no, this guy, Big Ron, he came in and he's like, you know, immediately like, I don't write down shit.

I never write down shit.

It's all, you know,

improvisational.

You know, I'm like saying things off the top of my mind.

And so he goes up and it's like a nice restaurant.

And then he's talking about like, you know, in jail, you know, you think that hearing people being raped would be bad, but it's not that.

It's when you hear a motherfucker getting stabbed.

That's the fucked up part.

There used to be this big motherfucker, and he used to jack off to the little Michael videos.

Michael Jackson be coming on the T V, pull his dick right out and jack off the Michael.

And,

you know, people are just trying to, like, eat dinner.

And then

my favorite thing about that guy is he handed me my bi his business card.

I was like talking to him afterwards, and he had like a business where it was a detailing service, but just for Lincolntown cars.

I'm done.

Yo, I do not do fucking escalation.

Only thing I touch, Lincoln Town calls.

Dude, that's...

Oh, man.

That reminds me of when Rollo did Funny Moms.

Yeah.

Rollo's our friend.

Rollo's one of the funniest comics.

He's definitely a comics comic.

We all.

No, he's a good comic.

No, no, no.

I mean, like,

Back of the Room always loves Rollo.

Yeah, in fucking shitty alt rooms is what you're talking about.

Right, so he did our shitty alt show in DC, and, you know, it's all white people with clenched assholes, and he's just, like, talking about pink Ariolas and crushing and then again, saying the N-word, and like, everyone's just like, oh, we love this, we love this.

And he's just like, so he's killing.

He's killing.

And then, like, all of a sudden, just midway through his set, he's like, nah, but seriously, no, gay sex is disgusting.

How you gonna have sex in a bathroom?

She goes, How the fuck you gonna get raped to death in a bathroom?

Dying of AIDS and shit.

And then you could just hear a pin drop.

Just literally every single, like, Columbia Heights, soft-ass, like, white DC, you know, like works at the, you know, fucking some NGO and like,

just silence.

And then the back of the room, like, all the comic signs die.

Yeah, he's he's really funny.

Gay sex is gross.

Nah, but like, seriously, no, gay sex is disgusting.

Just like, wow.

How are you going to go there, Doc?

Just read the room.

I used to do his rooms and just get absolute.

Well, you gave me the best advice.

Like, whenever I'd work a black room in DC,

I'd just like they say come up next to the stage, Adam Friedland, and then just like there'd always be a drunk woman in the stage.

I'd just be like, oh, he looked like Harry Potter, right?

And then, like, everyone started laughing and stuff.

And I just, I didn't know what to do, and I'd feel like really intimidated and stuff.

And the stop was just like, yo, if anyone makes fun of you, just tell them that they have a tight shirt.

Yeah,

100% crushes every time.

Crushes every time.

Look how tight this guy is.

Little shirt shirt.

Little ass shirt.

Saw someone gay say they have a little ass shirt.

Yeah.

I would always make fun of Rollo for being dark skinned.

Everyone loved that shit.

oh man rollo hates the warriors because they're too light skinned that's so funny yeah he's anti-light skinned people i love it he's he has such a stand to tick i love it well he is pretty dark he's as dark as the fuck yeah dude he's dark as hell it's a stage name rollo what are we talking what are we telling people this for yeah that's what he used to order pizzas under when he was at Howard.

That's the genesis.

Why do you need a name to order pizzas?

Used to tell the pizza guy, Rollo Boykins.

Interesting.

My friend went to GW and he had this fat piece of shit roommate, this like

Asian Pacific, what are they called?

Pacific Islander.

APA, whatever the name they do.

Asian Pacific Islander.

Asian Pacific Islander or whatever.

Samoan.

Yeah, he was like

Island Chinese.

That's me.

He was spam Chinese.

Yeah, he was shrimp Chinese.

So he goes, he's like, he was this big fat kid, but he was Catholic.

And I remember one time I crashed in their dorm or whatever, and he was out of town, and

he had a crush on, was it Rachel Adams is the actress?

Rachel McAdams.

Rachel McAdams.

And so above his bed, he had a poster of the notebook on the ceiling, which is like, that's not the movie you beat off with.

You don't have a crush on that actress.

You know what I'm saying?

Like, dude, the woman where she's in love.

And that kid, so he's real fat.

And I remember, like, my friend was telling me, so for Lent, he gave up pizza.

And like, the first day of Lent, Lent they're ordering from like Manny and Olga's or whatever and they're like uh yo Jesse do you want anything and he was like uh yeah let me get a cowzone

and he's like no it's not a pizza

Holy

I love people who follow really strict religions and then they're just like oh yeah I'm gonna fool God like the Ha seeds like we yeah I'm from Chicago and there's like just we gave Hasides an entire neighborhood Rogers Park

and half the people in Rogers Park are shop us goys And oh, yeah.

Yeah, and I always thought that was weird.

Like,

oh,

like, A, that they didn't update the rules to be like, oh, yeah, pressing an elevator button is work.

We've decided that for some reason, but we're going to get around that by, like, hiring a Mexican kid in Birchwood in California to press the button for us.

Like, why are they doing it?

That's what they do.

That's how they do it.

Yeah, yeah.

They do that shit here.

That's incredible.

On Pride, last year, did I mention this?

I said this.

Was there a Chabad float at Pride?

I don't think you said it on the podcast.

I don't know if I said it on the podcast, but last year at Pride, I was walking home and I walked through Pride and there's a protest.

There's a counter-Pride protest.

And at first it looks like they're well, yeah, at first it looks like they're Hasids.

And I get closer and they're Mexican guys wearing the outfits.

And they're holding signs and they're these like, you know, attired, you know, that like five-foot-one Guatemalan type where you can tell underneath the hat he's got like a faux hawk.

Like those guys.

I was like, what the fuck is this?

This looks like Hasids just hired day day laborers to protest pride.

And it didn't like make sense.

It was just too absurd to make sense.

And then the next day I saw in like the New York Daily News or something that, yeah, Hasids hired day laborers

to go protest Pride.

I guess it was, you know, because it was Shabbos or something, or

they couldn't be there, or they just didn't want to go themselves.

So they hired day laborers to dress up like them and protest.

I did the opposite of that when I was a kid.

There is a like.

You had sex with day labors.

Yeah, there was like a Puerto Rican Day parade pride or Puerto Rican Day parade in Chicago or like some type of Latino parade.

And like my mom knew the person who was organizing it, but for whatever reason, they couldn't locate Latino children to do it.

And I was eight and I was like, I was way darker as a kid.

I'm glad things worked out for you.

Yeah, no, it was a scare scare for a moment.

You parade every day.

Thank God.

But I bleached one of the reggae singers.

Give me the asshole kind.

Give me the extra strong asshole kind.

But my best friend was Greek, and we were really dark, and they paid us $20 each to lead the parade that like short time.

Like we're just children.

They're too fiery.

We'll just run off.

A soccer game might break out if we let them lead it.

Yeah, there's some real ray science.

They're like, the Jewish and Greek brain has the European Order gene that can carry the sign without straying.

Oh, my God.

Did you see where?

I guess we said we weren't going to talk about him anymore, but Cockfield.

Oh, name.

Stop.

Fuck Adam.

Go ahead.

You were using his real name.

Well, we killed off the other guy.

I don't want to do a cruel impression anymore, but I do want to make fun of him.

He was like, my girlfriend got 23 in me.

You just said you don't want to do a 33.

I don't want to do a cool impression.

You're addicted.

I'm doing an accurate impression.

My girlfriend got me 23 in me results for my birthday.

Oh, I did see that as well.

Yeah, yeah.

And so he's like 96%

like British and Irish or whatever.

And then he's like 4% African.

So he's like, here's the results, everybody.

I'm 1% African, 4%,

1% Pacific Islander, 4% African,

95%, who cares?

And also, those, by the way, are like,

that's within the margin of error.

That 4%.

Like,

I was like 6% Jewish or something, and it's like, it's totally fine.

I swear to God.

Yeah, yeah.

Stop immediately got on the phone and said, what's going on with this?

Margin of error.

It's the margin of error.

Did you see that?

There's a thing on PBS where Henry Louis Gates was doing like ancestry tests for famous people.

I saw that.

I saw that.

And Oprah was like sitting there.

She's like, I talked to my spirits, and I know I am a Zulu.

I am a Zulu warrior.

I have Zulu warrior blood.

And they were like, no, you're Ghanaian, like every other black person in America.

South Africa was not part of the triangle.

Slavery.

It's like, what the fuck are you talking about, Oprah?

It's so funny.

Quincy Jones was like more white than black, I think, too.

Was it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I immediately burned every album he produced after that.

It's like, no way, buddy.

What were you going to say, Nick?

Do you follow, like, I found them through Haywood, but one of those like

pan-African Facebookers.

Oh, yeah, I remember those.

Yeah, there was one I f'cause like 90% of the things they share, it's like, be proud of your culture, be proud of your heritage.

And it's like, you know, like a positive, like, affirming stuff.

And then 5% of them, like, there's nothing wrong with female genital mutilation.

They shared one meme that was like, Europeans didn't bathe before they discovered Africans or something.

It was like, they learned bathing from it.

It was like

going into water, like, you think that didn't come up at some point?

Oh, my God.

Yeah, no, there's like a bunch of sites like that that claim basically every single invention was actually made in Africa, like, you know, 3,000 years ago.

Who are those rats like who are those like the black Israelites?

Black Israelites like outside the gallery place metro station.

Yeah yeah they're great.

So they think that white people were created by an evil scientist named Yaqob

that invented white people in his lab by accident.

Wait a second.

Well that differs like the Nation of Islam version.

The Nation of Islam follows the same shit where the evil scientist Yakub like used germs with black people to create white people.

But in the black Israelite version, he does it by accident.

It's like the nutty professor.

Oh, look, what do you love?

Wait, which is funny because they all look like the clumps.

All of those guys.

Look at these.

There was...

So, wait, this is true?

Like, this is a scientist?

It's like a...

That's what they believe.

Yeah.

Holy shit.

They really believe that, yeah, a scientist.

And the Nation of Islam

believes some, like, really cool shit.

What's Farrakhan?

Is he, like, still active?

Yeah, dude, he's still doing his thing.

I saw a video with him and Young Thug, and it was like really powerful.

Really?

Yeah, Young Thug was like, it's so amazing to meet you.

Farrakhan would really like you.

Yeah.

He'd love me.

What's with the bow ties?

What's the deal with the bow ties?

They look pretty, pretty cool.

Yeah, but there's got to be a reason to react.

I actually don't know.

I know like most of the Nation of Islam stuff because it's big in Chicago.

Like they eat navy bean pies because that's supposed to make you live till 150.

Hell yeah.

But the bow ties is probably something like probably like

Wali Muhammad or someone was like, I think they look good.

Right.

And then, like, usually there's a reason for shit.

Like, you notice that no Iranians wear neckties because they think ties are a symbol of Western imperialism.

Oh, really?

Yeah, but.

I thought it was just like showing off chest hair.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The same reason.

Me and the Iranians.

Yeah, yeah.

But

no, I actually, I think the bow tie, like the founder wore them or something.

Everything else has like a cool reason behind it.

Like that 9,000 years ago, some guy invented white people or a spaceship showed up with the bow ties.

They're like, ah, we we just like him.

Yeah, it's just a swag.

That's like, I was feeling good.

I was reading.

Do you know the story with the Hasids, why they dress like that?

Well, basically,

when the Jews left the pale of like settlement, like in Eastern Europe,

that was like Eastern Europe style.

And then once they left, they basically stopped evolving their style.

So they just kept dressing like that.

So everyone dressed like that at some point.

Well, in their particular yeshivas, right?

So like, that's one yeshiva had like the circle hats, one yeshiva had like, you know, payas.

One, you know.

Did I tell that story on the podcast about that guy at that Halloween party?

I think you did that we were at.

Wait, no.

Remember that guy at that Halloween party we were at?

Didn't you tell this on the podcast?

I don't think you did.

I don't know.

Not when I was there.

Yeah, we were at that Halloween party with those giant MMs when we were listening to Fleetwood Mac.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

We met up with Tommy, and then he was in the bathroom for like four and a half hours.

Oh, yeah.

Do you ever, do you ever, do you have a blow guy?

Yeah, yeah.

yeah.

Oh yeah.

Oh holy shit.

Oh my god, dude.

That's so funny.

This is a completely separate story.

But we were trying to find Coke and I went up to

our friend Tommy, my friend Tommy, and he's sitting there and I was like, hey, do you got a blow guy?

And I said that to him and it was like kind of loud where we at.

So he like reflects for a half second.

He's like, nah, but I fucked a tranny once.

And I was like, what?

And he's like, did I ever blow a guy?

Yeah, he's like, you asked me if I ever blew a guy?

And I was like, no.

I said, do you have a blow guy?

Why is that your response?

On the spectrum of gay stuff, that is closer to being gay than being straight.

I guess.

Yeah, he's, no, he told a great story about like following this.

After his show in Philly.

Yeah, yeah.

He like bought a prostitute or whatever, and she was like blowing him.

And then.

I thought he just met a woman at Helium.

No, no, no.

I think he like bought a prostitute or that's what the story is.

And then he like, he's like,

it's his story to tell, so I don't want want to tell it.

He's got a career now, so yeah, yeah, yeah.

Uh, but uh,

but yeah, no, that was a funny interaction, but no, the guy at the party at the Halloween party, when he's talking about those big circular hats that the Hasids wear, and he's like, Those Ottomans, yeah, yeah, this is like the big Ottomans, the big Ikea Ottomans, and he's got, he's like, uh, yeah, dude, uh, one of my friends actually got one of those, and I was like, what do you mean?

He was like, you know, he's riding his bike and he managed to like get one.

I was like, what do you mean he stole it?

I was like, exactly, yeah.

And he was like, yeah, he got arrested for like, you know, grand larceny or something.

Yeah, yeah.

Because they caught him.

Because you can't just be the guy wearing the one guy.

He's in a fucking odd future shirt.

Do you know Sean, the rapper that got arrested with Diddy?

Yeah.

Yeah.

He's a Hasidic Jew now, and he's like wearing a stripe.

It's called a Strymel.

Yeah.

Oh, that's it.

Yeah, that's what they're called.

He likes to cover it.

They cost $6,000.

Yeah, dude.

They're super expensive.

It's like otter fur.

That's crazy.

Yeah.

I don't even know where you get otters.

It's like young bulls.

It's actually a young bullshit.

Well, Sam's more of a bear, but...

Yeah.

He's got like a cub fit.

Because he's hairless.

A cub.

I'm a cub.

Thank you very much.

Actually, it's more walrus.

Cub.

Cub is like a cub is like

a small but still hairy bear type.

If you're large and hairless, it's walrus.

I'm not a walrus.

Or manatee.

I'm a cub.

Cubs are cuter.

I don't know.

I would go walrus.

They need more animals.

I don't have a cubs.

This is like a body acceptance thing.

Yeah, you're right.

People aren't just bears or cubs.

Gays are the original body acceptance people.

They'll fetishize anything.

Yeah.

Absolutely.

There's that stereotype, like, oh, all gay guys are in shape.

And it's like, no, just the ones you secretly jack off to.

Just the ones in your movies.

Yeah, yeah.

My friend, there was this dude in college that was like

his whole persona was he was a total alpha.

He was like a Long Island Nassau County Jewish, like fucking blowout,

like looked like a Jersey short Guido and my friend

my it was always strange because he had a Leonidas from

300 poster of just this jacked ass Gerard Butler like six feet tall in his bedroom we're like why does why does Brian have that in his room and then my motivation my friend for some reason he was his roommate like took his laptop to go on pornhub and then like saw the last 10 searches.

It was like guy kisses guy for first time.

Straight guy fucks straight guy.

I do straight guys fuck.

I think that's what all like motivation shit is.

Like whenever you go to YouTube and it's like motivation of Phil Heath.

It's just like, no, that's just like people are jacking off to that.

Yeah.

Closet for sure.

100%.

I mean, like, I watch, I obsessively watch MMA and have for years.

and, like, it's

the big thing is, like, watch the Wayans where they, like, get naked and almost, like, get so close to each other, they kiss each other.

You're like, oh, dude, I can't wait.

You said Weigh-in, and I thought you said Weyans, like the Weyan brothers.

Yeah, when the Weyans brothers come down to be on the other side.

Keenan Ivory, Damien, Damon.

How many are there?

There's like some of those guys are definitely gay, by the way.

Of the Wayans?

By law of averages.

Yeah, of course.

They're so.

Damien Wayans is so homophobic.

How about hearing Norm talk about this about him?

Not Keenan ivory no norm norm was uh or jeselnik jeselni by the way great gayens brother thank you sorry i wanted to get that one in there before i missed it sorry i was talking i said gayens brothers oh that's good they are going to be feeling that one in the morning

that's a switch uh uh what were you saying the norm jeselnick was just saying that like

keenan ivory wayans when he was a judge on last comic was the absolute biggest piece of shit of course dude that he's like ever worked with i could see that he's like

I've never hated anyone in comedy more than.

All right, let's just talk shit about someone's secondhand.

So if you have a problem, Keenan Ivory, you can come on the pod.

Yeah, we'll squash it.

Yeah, we're big.

Big squashers.

What happened to Simon from American Idol?

What's he doing now?

He went on another one.

He fucked someone's wife or something.

He stole his friend's wife or something.

He's one of those.

Simon?

Yeah.

That doesn't make sense.

Because, you know, you just assume most British guys are gay.

Yeah, of course.

And then

40, like actually cool.

You know?

Yeah.

Like a cool alpha taste.

Well, Satham, not gay.

Well, of course,

of course not.

I mean, that's why they brought him to America.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They were waiting for a non-gay British man.

Yeah.

They should make a Statham movie where he solves Brexit with karate.

We're going to bring the country back together.

I'm bald.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm bald.

I don't have any hair.

I've got no hair.

I hate Chinese and I'm gay.

I'm gay.

I'm gay.

I hate Chinese and I got nowhere.

What was the genesis of that?

The photo we were doing.

We were just walking around Greenpoint watching.

Oh, good.

Oh, yeah.

We're out of time.

We're done.

Yeah, we should.

We filled our contractual obligation to the people that donated $97.

Is that what we were pulling in?

Yeah.

Yo,

shout out to my friend Max, who's a listener, who's buying us the track suits.

Yeah, Max, thank you for the track suits.

We're getting cumbersome.

We'll suck you off track suits.

I don't agree.

Stop will suck you off.

Adam will suck you off, man.

You just got the shout-out, the podcast shout-out.

Yeah, this is big.

And then thank you, Felix, for joining us.

My pleasure.

Thank you very much.

His presence alone on that.

We got two big gets for this one, guys.

A lot of people are going to listen to this, seeing the names, expecting

the half hour.

Most people are not going to make it to the first half.

Are we going to go in?

Most people are

half hundred.

Are we going to do Choppa mashup?

We would love to have you guys on Chopo.

I've been practicing my Slavo's Zizek impression.

Will does a great impression of you.

Oh, of me?

Yeah, yeah.

What does it sound like?

I mean, it sounds like you.

I don't know.

I can't do it.

It sounds like really gay and like a bitch.

He's like, oh, I'm Adam.

I'm fucking.

I'm a bitch.

I mean, like, you shouldn't say that.

Shibbachulo.

Shibachelom boys.

Shibachelum.

Chinese girls.

Where are the shekel prostitutes?

$25.

I can't pass that.

Oh, boy, that's too much.

I'm only capable of doing Dickfield.

Me and Stop are joking, like, but it's so, like, I don't want to do the sound effects or whatever, so I'm not actually going to do it.

But, like, there's like lightning or something, and a portal opens.

No, dude, save it.

We got to do this.

All right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We're doing it.

All right.

Little teaser, guys.

Yeah.

You're going to do that.

That's a little behind the scenes.

This is what happens when you go past the fucking 40-minute mark on the second half.

Hell yeah.

We start breaking the fourth wall.

It's been a fun one.

But yeah, it was a good one, guys.

Thanks for listening.

I don't know.

We don't have anything planned.

Yeah, no,

we should do that mashup, though.

For sure.

Yeah,

we would fucking love to do that.

We want to do

which is on Aruba, so

Bobby Kelly might let us use his studio to do that.

I'll talk to him.

It's sort of like a second-rate Anthony Camilla studio.

Matt, if you are listening, buy a fucking planche.

Do not talk shit about it.

Matt doesn't live here.

No, Matt lives in Cleveland, but he can just come up.

He came up for the live show.

Yeah, they can Skype him him in, too.

I mean, they got this Indian kid there that knows how all the computers work.

Oh, and if you're in New York, we have a live show in the works for August.

Just so you know, come to the show.

Oh, yeah, and I do, if you guys are cool with it, I want to plug the Chapo live show

on July 28th in Philadelphia at Everybody Hits.

And yes, due to the name, it is a group sex event.

We are running a train, running the Acella on these things.

Oh, yeah, bro.

Well, we got the venue that we're doing is Come On, Everybody, for come town.

So

is that the name of the venue?

It's come on everybody, but for us, it's come on everyone.

Oh yeah, yeah.

That's perfect.

I love it, dude.

Well,

we saved that one.

We saved that.

Yeah, that was great.

This was really fun.

Yeah, thank you.

Pretty funny.

Thanks, everybody.

Thanks for getting jerked off, Adam.

What do you think, Shibi, for the kids on the map?

The clock is ticking to get the most of your summer behind the wheel of the upscale all-electric Jeep Wagonier S and innovative Chrysler Pacifica plug-in hybrid.

And right now, get 0% financing for 72 months on the 2025 Chrysler Pacifica plug-in hybrid and the 2025 Jeep Wagonier S.

Plus you may qualify for up to a 7,500 federal tax credit.

See your California Jeep brand dealer and California Chrysler dealer today.

Finance offer not compatible with any other offer.

0% APR financing for 72 months equals $1,389 per month per 1,000 financed for well-qualified buyers through Stellanis Financial, regardless of down payment.

Not all customers will qualify.

Contact dealer for details.

The federal tax credit is offered by a third party and is subject to change without notice.

Please confirm this information information to ensure its accuracy and availability.

Consult the tax professional for details and eligibility requirements.

Income and other restrictions may apply.

Purchases are not eligible if the customer exceeds adjusted gross income limitations: $300,000 for married filing jointly taxpayers, $225,000 for head of household filers, and $150,000 for single-filers.

Offers end September 30th.

Chrysler and Cheap are registered trademarks.