Ep. 8 – The Eighth Episode

It's time to head back to school and forward to your future with Carrington College.

For over 55 years, we've helped train the next generation of healthcare professionals.

Apply now to get hands-on training from teachers with real-world experience.

In as few as nine months, you could start making a difference in healthcare.

Classes start soon in Pleasant Hills, San Leandro, and San Jose.

Visit Carrington.edu to see what's next for you.

Visit Carrington.edu slash SCI for information on program outcomes.

In the heat of battle, your squad relies on you.

Don't let them down.

Unlock elite gaming tech at lenovo.com.

Dominate every match with next-level speed, seamless streaming, and performance that won't quit.

And push your gameplay beyond limits with Intel Core Ultra processors.

That's the power of Lenovo with Intel Inside.

Maximize your edge by shopping at lenovo.com during their back-to-school sale.

That's lenovo.com.

Lenovo, Lenovo.

Okay, we're live.

We're on the air, guys.

Yeah.

Hometown.

Hometown.

8.

Is it 8?

8 or 8?

8?

8.

It's 8.

It's 8.

This is the...

Oh,

these are now paid episodes.

Did you see we have donations?

Hell yeah, bitch.

How much did we get?

Something like $70 a month.

Hey.

People have pledged.

That's great.

Which is not bad.

Really good.

It's more than zero.

Thank you to

whatever.

People in basements out there sent us to their parents.

You know what?

I was kind of depressed because I was like, yeah, this will be cool.

We'll set up a thing.

And then the names started coming in.

It's like people that I'm friends with.

I'm like, don't do that.

Give me your money.

Nah, that's all right.

I'll take that.

Yeah.

I need a radio show.

It's basically like they're paying for my social skills surgery.

Like at a

terminal autism, and they're donating to, you know, letting us pretend like we have a real radio show.

We have a real radio show.

We're in the top of the Empire State Building at the Anthony Cumius Studios.

Oh, yeah.

Come on, man.

The rattlesnake then.

Puerto Rican rattlesnake then.

In the snake pit.

What's den in Spanish?

Abuela?

Is it a Buela?

Alhombre.

Every word in Spanish is a Buela, guys.

You know what's funny is like sometimes I'll try to be racist and I'll add O to the end of a word to like make it Spanish.

Yeah.

That turns out to just be the word.

Like

Restoranto.

That's it.

I don't think that's the name of restaurant.

Restaurant.

Restaurantario.

Librario?

Biblioteca.

Yeah, yeah.

That's a famous one.

I feel like everyone goes to Bibliotheca.

When I was in Spanish class

in middle school, me and my friends thought we were really clever, so we made up a gang.

We're like, we're

Las Mariposas, the butterflies.

We thought that was hilarious.

And

we kept making jokes like, oh, Las Mariposas, they're going to get you.

And then my teacher couldn't take it midway through the semester.

And she just slammed a book down.

She's like, that means the homosexuals.

What are you doing?

You had no idea it was slang for gay man.

Yeah, we didn't know that.

So your gang was there.

I mean, it was pretty game flies.

We didn't think it sounded too hard.

It was very artful.

Do you know the rule with like Marricone and Cabron?

It's like the two of them.

This Peruvian guy told me like 10 years ago, but he's like, you know, like, if you're friends with Mexican guys, you can call them Cabron.

Like, that's like a term of endearment or whatever among them.

He's like, like, but don't call other South American or like other Spanish-speaking people Cabron.

Because like Cabron apparently just means like top faggot.

Yo, I want to be a Cabron.

Right, right.

And then Maricon is like the bottom one, but that's only...

Oh, you mean top?

Like top and bottom.

He's like top and bottom.

So it's like, you're like a pimp if you say it to a Mexican.

No, I don't.

I didn't check any of this.

Peruvian guy told me.

Peruvian guy, whose name?

At a bus station?

No, I worked with him.

I mean, we took the bus together, but I worked with him.

So maybe he did tell me at the bus station.

He was on a bus.

It was on a bus.

He was a Peruvian.

I was a fat Peruvian kid.

I love it.

And I swear to God, his name was Nick Nalty.

He told me, he wrote that down as his name on a thing, and I was like, no, wait, that's hilarious.

He put that down.

That's a good reference, dude.

That was a solid reference.

Can't fear.

I love it.

And then he was like, what?

And I was like, that's not your name.

And he was like, yeah, it is.

And he was also a pathological liar.

And I think we were talking about that the other day.

It's like pathological liars.

They have all these bullshit stories, and then one of their stories will be like real.

Oh, yeah.

You're like, you fucking actually beat up a chimp?

You know, like, that actually happened for real?

He's got like pictures of him and the chimp.

He's got blood all over his face.

But yeah, no, so he pulls out his ID, and there it says Nick Nalty.

Spelled the same way name.

Spelled exactly the same way.

That's awesome.

Yeah, and I was like, that's insane.

He's like, yeah, it's a family name.

I'm like, well, every name is a family.

I don't know what the fuck.

Right, right.

Yeah, what does that mean when someone says it's a family name?

Oh, well, it's a family name.

It means they don't know how to read.

That's what it means.

It means they've never encountered another human being in the world.

Unless their whole family is all just like, you know, Cher

and Madonna.

This is my aunt Madonna.

Did you know that?

This is my aunt Tanya.

Marcus Doodoo Brown was a family name.

Did you know that?

I don't want to shit on Marcus.

I don't want to do-doo on Marcus.

There we go.

Marcus is a good comic.

I like Marcus.

We're still drinking coffee, guys.

We got the Rift Juice.

Starbucks.

I'm going to get a Grande Riff Juice.

But, yeah.

So, Maracon is the bottom one.

Cabron is the top one.

Yeah, that's such an awesome term of endearment.

It's like you fucking man in the hour.

You're my boy, dude.

You're my bottom one.

Mexicans have cool slang, dude.

They're cool.

What else they do?

You know what I don't understand?

What's the proper term?

Is it,

Mexican's fine.

You can say that, right?

It feels a little weird.

It was funny.

It felt weird.

Yeah, because growing up, most of the people I knew that were Hispanic were like you had to call them Hispanic because they could be from Venezuela or

El Salvador.

Mexican now.

Yeah, yeah, El Salvador or whatever, Colombia.

But then I moved to Texas, and people in Texas are like, oh, there's a bunch of Mexican guys that live in there.

Keep your voice down.

I grew up in the southwest.

Yeah, that was fun.

And they're all Mexican, so you could call them that.

Really?

You didn't have anyone fucking Uruguayans, any Spanish person.

But what is it?

Look at the fucking Mexican over there.

But it's like Puerto Rican people are like, oh, I'm Mexican, man.

I don't know what to do.

Oh, I see.

I see.

Yeah, yeah.

It's just.

What is Chicano?

Is that if you're from Chicago?

Is that like Chirac?

If you're in Chirac, but you're Mexican?

Chicano, I feel like it means you're wearing like a velvet shirt.

Yeah.

It's a clothing thing.

Like a Vato?

I feel like, no, silk.

Vato just means dude.

Chicano is like,

I identify as Chicano.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Chicano is on par with Hispanic or Mexican or loud.

Wow.

He knows how stupid I am.

I think Chicano, I just think the guy,

the Jesus character from

fucking, help me out here, the bowling movie.

I can't believe I'm talking about the movie.

Oh, yeah.

Lebowski.

Lebowski now.

When you say Chicano now,

the famous bowling movie.

Lebowski.

Oh, yeah.

When you say Ginny words.

When you say Chicano, that's what I think for some reason.

And I can't wait to Google it later and find out how wrong I am.

I think Michael Chicklis.

Chicano?

I think Chicano is like the Mexican term for Michael Chicklis.

I think about that movie, Bloodin', Blood Out.

So if you look like Michael, if you're Hispanic, but you look like Michael Chicklis, you're Chicano.

You're like bald, like if you're like a bald, portly Latino guy, that's what Chicano is.

And how short do you think?

He seems very short.

4'11, dude.

Imagine if he was 4'11.

And then when he goes on talk shows, he goes, or as I like to call it, five foot negative one.

And then he like winks.

That's good.

Yeah, everyone applauds.

Chicklis, great talk show guest.

We'll have him on.

We'll have him on.

Yeah, we got Chiklis coming on.

Is Chiklis short?

We're going to make fun of him.

He's like the same height as us.

No, no, I think he's short.

He looks like a testicle.

He does.

Somebody described Bob Hoskins that way one time.

But he looks like a testicle.

Yeah, angry testicle.

That's pretty good.

You know what's funny?

He like died loathing the Super Mario Bros.

movie.

Oh, poor guy.

That movie was so bad.

It was really bad.

Everything about it was awful.

That might have been the most underwhelming celebrity death of all time.

Bob Hoskins.

What happened?

He was a lot of really good movies.

He was an amazing actor.

Yeah, he was.

He was really talented, and he died, and nobody gave a shit.

When did he die?

He died like two years ago, and on the anniversary of his death last year, articles about his death started coming up, and people were like, oh my god, Bob Hoskins died.

Well, that's what happened, dude.

I feel like literally in like a year, this past year, everyone claims they loved every celebrity.

Like, it used to be there'd be like a status here or there, but everyone's writing an essay now.

I don't fucking, like, were people that important to you?

Doesn't it feel like it just became a thing?

I mean, some of them were like, you know, Muhammad Ali's big.

Sure.

Prince Bowie, Prince, the fucking bad guy from Harry Potter.

That one was stupid.

Yeah, Snape?

Yeah.

But he was a bad guy.

He diehard.

I don't know.

He ended up being the good guy.

You fucking illiterate piece of shit.

You'd be illiterate to see a movie.

Yeah, he's starred in the book.

Dude, there's a new Harry.

He's starred in the book, dude.

He was also, they have pictures of him.

There's a new Harry Potter coming out, so it looks like your boy's about to read a book, dude.

The boys are back.

There's a new one coming out?

I think, yeah, she's making mad Harry Potter.

Hell yeah, dude.

That bitch ain't rich enough.

JK, get yours, girl.

You never read any Harry Potter, bitch, dude?

Me?

Little Mullen?

Nope.

What were you doing, dude?

Are you fighting for Tardich?

No, I think I read

11.

What were you doing?

Heroin.

Yeah.

I read books.

Well, I didn't really read that many books.

I guess the books I read as a kid were like.

I guess Goosebumps was like elementary school.

Yeah, Goosebumps.

Hell yeah.

What was it?

Fear Street.

I read maybe one of those.

Those were like the more hardcore ones, right?

Yeah.

And then I would read the shit we were assigned to school.

The only shit I really remember reading outside of school was like C.S.

Lewis stuff,

Ender's Ender's Game.

I read all those Ender's Game books, but he came out with like nine other books after like a resurgence in the popularity of those books.

Yeah, when I was in

middle school, yeah.

Because I remember Ender's Game was that came out in the 80s.

And I remember reading that when I was in like third grade, and then like again when I was in fifth grade, and then they released like a whole you know, you know what it was?

It was an additional series based on one of the characters from Ender's Game.

We'll spin off Fraser, the Frasier, yeah,

actually, it was Frasier, it was novel

Fraser, Frasier.

Niles.

Niles, there's aliens.

We have to fuck these aliens.

My favorite books growing up were

that book, Fudge.

Do you remember?

Hell yes.

Fudge, I fucked with Fudge.

And Judy Bloom.

Mein Kampf.

Yeah, yeah.

It had to be Fudge or Mein Kampf.

Well, they're both like coming-of-age stories.

Yeah, yeah.

Hitler gets his period.

That's a big chapter.

They're both written in prison.

You know what?

I never understood Judy Bloom was in prison.

Judy Bloom doing time for a fucking manslaughter.

Not to get into conspiracy theories here.

Let's see.

How was it that Anne Frank was the only person with a diary?

That was the only one.

She popped off the hardest.

There was not a better.

She got her period in it.

Yeah.

I've never read it.

Speaking of Judy Bloom and Getting Your Period, I was like...

Really into those fudge books and then I got Are You There God?

It's Me Margaret one summer like do my parents make me do the fucking summer reading club or whatever?

Of course.

I fake my mom.

I read it and it's about getting your period for the first time.

So like I had a bunch of questions from my parents and my mom literally took me to the library and yelled at the librarian in front of me.

It was so humiliating.

It was

gonna tell my boy about carols.

Dare you.

This is a young adult novel.

This should not be an easy reader's.

My mom

struggled to quit smoking for years and she finally did and then she was like all about anti-smoking and she chewed out the she's like was screaming at the Nigerian ice cream truck man for like bringing candy cigarettes to the neighbor.

She's like, How fucking dare you sell these, you piece of shit!

And like, I'm like mortified, of course, yeah.

Like, I didn't even want those, I wanted the fucking ninja turtle with bumblegum eyes, the best one, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, best one.

I didn't want the candy cigarettes, it tasted like shit.

They were awful candy cigarettes,

you could pretend to smoke,

so fucking set my mom off.

I remember

when I was, we lived in LA and after baseball games, we'd get

pieces of apple slices and granola and stuff.

And then we moved to Vegas and we get fucking cheeseburgers.

People bring McDonald's and the kids would go fucking nuts for McDonald's.

Hell yeah, dude.

Mickey D's after a soccer game.

That was my shit, dog.

I was good at it.

No, it was funny.

I remember that.

You play baseball, and then my dad would like take me to 7-Eleven, and I'd get the largest slurpee size.

After baseball practice, baseball is like the lowest intact score.

I know, you barely fucking running for it.

You just stand there, yeah.

Horrible.

Even fucking Gatorade is just sugar.

Yeah.

Well, you need it.

It's got Gatorade.

It's my joints, dude.

It's got the electrolyte.

Gatorade you need if you get the flu or something.

Yeah.

I just had a pretty wicked stomach virus.

You did, yeah.

Yeah, it's going around, guys.

Listen, fans, if you're out there, don't get the stomach.

This is the Come Town Health Minute.

Yeah.

Did you see that that thing the Red Cross did?

They released that?

Like, Red Cross got in trouble this week because they put

a pool safety, just some fucking pool safety poster that they tweeted out.

And it's a picture of a pool with things you should do in the pool versus things you shouldn't do in the pool.

So it's like someone running and it's pointing at the kid running and it says, not cool.

And then it's like a guy holding his baby and it says cool.

But every one of the not cool ones is a black person.

Oh my God.

Is it a real picture?

Is it like a brown cartoon?

Yeah,

It'd be great if it was just...

Because then you couldn't complain.

If it was just a photograph someone happened to take of a pool and all the black people happened to be doing breaking all the rules, you can't help that.

That's not the Red Cross's fault.

The cartoons were all brown.

It's the white guys who weren't breaking any of the rules.

And you know what's funny is like...

Shackleford, man.

Hell yeah.

So all these people are mad at the Red Cross.

There is absolutely no way in hell that was on purpose.

Right.

No way.

There's no way at all.

Yeah.

But what's so funny is that they were like, they probably did one draft and they're like, ah, put more black people in there so people don't get mad about us for like not being diverse enough.

And then

that backfire.

Yeah.

Imagine if it was some guy who's like, this is how I get him.

This is how we set him back.

Finally, this is his last day.

Their favorite place, the pool.

This is like when

that guy tweeted that picture, the United Airlines account tweeted that picture of the woman with the

toy plane in her bus

with the plane.

Do you remember that shit?

Yeah, that was awesome.

That was incredible.

That's the best way to quit your job.

I love the auto fucking when someone has their shit set up for auto retweets and it just like the Beatles fucking suck dick.

And then the Beatles thing will just retweet it.

It's the best shit on earth.

Yeah.

I love seeing that shit.

Corporate Twitter accounts are still figuring it out.

Remember that?

Who was the makeup account?

There's some makeup company when the Aurora shooting happened in Colorado.

Oh, hello.

And they were like, Aurora's trending.

That must be our new Aurora makeup.

Oh, guys.

And then the makeup they tweeted.

Guess what, guys?

It was the Joker makeup.

They tweeted the Joker makeup.

They tweeted out a tutorial of how to do your own Joker makeup.

Oh, that's incredible.

Oh, the fuck.

So

we had a bunch planned today, but we wiped it clean because there's a big news event.

On Friday, it dropped.

Oh, right, of course.

Yeah.

Brexit.

Oh, is that how you pronounce it?

What do you say?

I thought it was Brechy.

Bregy?

Brechy.

Well, it's about Europe.

It's the first book of the Torah.

All right.

You don't have to do all these Jew jokes so we don't get to.

I'm sorry.

Neither of us have read the Torah.

Sorry.

Sorry.

There aren't any Jews.

Was there a Jew version of C.S.

Lewis books?

I was so pissed off when I found out out that those were all like Christian.

I know, yes, allegories.

I thought you made up all this cool shit.

He tricked me into liking the shit.

The big mouse that does sword fighting, and it's like, that's Paul or something.

Yeah, yeah, Jesus was the lion.

Clearly, the lion.

Yeah, that shit is so fucking gay, dude.

I hate when I get tricked into liking Christianity shit.

Oh, man.

Sorry.

I just remembered I did extra work on Jermaine Fowler's sketch comedy show like a year ago.

Friends of the people.

Yeah, and so I don't know.

Have either of you been extras in anything?

No, no.

It's the funniest.

I'm always the fucking star.

I'm the star of the show.

It's the funniest shit in the world.

So, like, all the people that most of the people doing extra work, it's like, it's actually, it's an easy job.

Yeah.

And if you're a union, you get like $150 a day, and you mostly just sit around.

If you like freelance or something, it's great.

You bring your laptop, you can like just write.

That's awesome.

Yeah, you don't really have to do shit.

You're in like a scene for maybe like five seconds.

Oh, that's cool.

Do they feed you?

Yeah, you get free food, you know, eat your dude sucked.

And then 10% of the people there.

Okay, so yeah, like 89% of the people are, you know, just like, just

10% are,

you know, trying to be serious actors.

And then 1% are like bat shit insane, of course.

Like, there was this one time I was in holding for a show, and there's this woman with like aviator sunglasses on, rail thin, like anorexis, like very tall, lanky, you know, just veins veins everywhere just very vascular creepy yeah woman she's like hunched over like a fucking gargoyle on her chair and some guy was like uh oh well my friend uh david richards he's a writer he's like talking to somebody quietly and from across the room she goes oh yeah i know him he raped me oh jeez

yeah i know him he raped me back in the 80s

I don't know, what are we supposed to do with that?

And then they start talking.

She's like, oh, never mind.

This must be a different guy.

Is he a manager at a Chili's in Newark?

The only set job I've had is the one you got me when we're truck boys.

Truck boys, dude.

Well, didn't you have a good extra?

Well,

I was about to tell an extra story.

I forget what the fucking lead-in to it was.

I think we were talking about that.

Oh, yeah, the Jesus allegory thing.

But there was this one guy at that Friends of the People thing who just had like 90s asshole hair, you know?

Like both of his parents were named Zach.

Like a fucking like always wearing eyes odd, like penis.

That 90s penis

like a very nicely shaped glands helmet of hair.

And like anytime they would call cut, he would immediately turn and face the camera, and you could see him on all the monitors, and no one's paying attention.

Oh, my God.

He was just trying to fucking ignore him.

And then I had to fucking listen to.

Oh, yeah.

So I went into,

I forgot what, okay, yeah, we're sitting in holding, and one of the producers comes in, and like, they tell us, like, okay, guys, so basically, the sketch idea is like, and I don't want to shit on the show or whatever, I mean, but like, they're just telling you the pitch of the sketch, so it's like, even if the funniest show in the world, they just tell you, like, here's the idea, you're like, okay, you're not going to laugh at it, whatever.

They're just telling you, so you know what's going on again.

Yeah, yeah.

So she's like, okay, so basically the setup is like, you know, they're throwing a house party and the president shows up, Barack Obama shows up, and he eats all the food.

And

again, I don't want to shoot the show.

But, you know,

why are you premising that?

And then this guy, he like leans in.

He physically leans in, and he's like, oh, wow, that's so great.

And I had to, like, you know, step out of the room for a second to, like, you know,

call him a slur under my breath and like laugh at him.

And I come back in, and the producer's talking to him.

And she goes, No, President Obama won't actually be here.

Oh, man.

He thought the President of the United States

is going to do a quick drop-in.

He's going to spend a day shooting a sketch where he eats too many Cheetos.

Right, for true TV.

For true TV.

Jesus Christ.

But yeah, no, we were leaving.

That's so good.

We were in like a van back to the city or whatever at the end of the day.

And like somebody was talking about something.

And, you know, he's like, well, what is your favorite film?

And they were like, oh, The Matrix or something.

And that guy goes, you know, that whole story is actually an allegory for Jesus Christ.

Hell yeah.

He starts describing the Matrix parallels.

I don't know how it's actually.

I mean, it sort of is.

He's not wrong.

Yeah.

No, two and three are chosen ones allegory.

No, of course.

I mean, isn't the license plate like a

biblical reference?

We can't criticize it because they're both trans.

Oh, are they?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, the other one's trans now, too.

So, is it the Wachowski sisters?

Yes, this is, well, no, just the Wachowskis.

You just say the Wachowskis.

Is that their chosen pronoun?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just what are the odds?

Pronouns.

What are the odds?

It's really true.

Let me ask you this, though.

Do you think they would have transitioned if the second two movies had been better?

If they had been better movies, as good as the first one.

They're sitting with their PR guy, and they're like, look,

we need to get a little traction right now.

Yeah, yeah.

You're like, god damn it.

You said I wouldn't have to.

If they had ever gotten funding for the Animatrix, would they have transitioned?

I watched Speed Racer, their Speed Racer, on Mushrooms once, and it was intense.

So scary.

I mean, I had to turn it off.

I tried watching Super Jail on Mushrooms.

I don't know why I thought that would be a good idea.

Isn't that the show that on purpose fucks with you?

Yeah, it's like even when you're sober,

you feel kind of disturbed.

It's great.

It's one of the best things I've ever seen.

But I tried watching that on mushrooms and I had to leave the room.

That was too much.

Yo, you remember Jose Extreme Parking?

Oh, God, that guy was the best.

We'll talk about Jose real quick.

All right, so

Nick gets me a job.

He's like, you just got to sit in the passenger seat of this truck.

That's basically it.

And then we got to move things like a couple times, but you just hang out on this truck.

In the middle of the day, they're like, yeah, we're going to need you to get your own 16-foot truck and drive it around Manhattan.

Just alone, just in a massive city.

moment.

Yeah, they split us up.

For starters, the truck they made us pick up, it was like a 20-foot truck, and normally trucks are 14-foot.

Right.

And like a 20-foot truck, you don't need a CDL until it reaches like, I don't know, it's a weight thing, but basically like a 30-foot truck.

But the difference between 14 and 20 feet

when you're driving that truck is

wide or two.

Yeah, you get in that thing and you're like, I shouldn't be driving this fucking truck, especially around Manhattan.

Yeah, yeah.

I'd feel weird driving in like the fucking Baltimore suburbs in the middle of fucking and you guys were right in the mix we had this we were like in midtown driving these massive trucks alone yeah midtown just like my way into this job next that i just have to send the it's not even a lying thing they don't give a shit they don't give a fuck they don't give a shit they hire whoever it's like yeah i got a friend brent he'll do it and then it's like okay we'll go pick up two million dollars worth of camera and lighting equipment

and they're like no we already signed for it and then just park the truck wherever they don't even like give you instructions on where to go.

So yeah, so like we had a 5 a.m.

call.

They're like, yeah, it's our responsibility to park the trucks.

And so like, we're supposed to park them in like, you know, lots or whatever.

We had a 5 a.m.

call.

There's this dude that's just like wide awake.

We get there to park the trucks.

And he's just like screaming at people, like moving trucks, like air traffic controlling.

Like I get he like screams at me to move the truck and then I get out and he's like anyway man.

Sorry I yelled at you.

My name is Jose.

I'm a small business owner.

I own my own company.

It's called Extreme Parking.

He didn't tell us.

He showed us his business card.

That's what we found because we struck up a conversation with him.

They like hire somebody, and this guy's only job is to just sit outside all night before the shoot and put up traffic cones so that nobody will take the parking space.

Right, right, right.

Which is like in shooting in New York, you need someone to take it.

Totally.

It's called

parking coordinator.

It sounds illegal, right?

No, it's not.

No, you get permits from the side of the streets.

But the way the permits work is that they don't say that you can't park there.

It just allows you to hold the parking space.

Gotcha, gotcha.

So if somebody wanted to come and take that parking space, they could.

Gotcha.

And that's why you have like a cone guy.

So this guy's business is he owns the cones.

He's the cones guy.

He just owns the cones.

The businesses.

Well, he shows us his business card and it says extreme parking on it.

Jose Extreme Parking.

Yeah, and it took everything I had not to like.

That's incredible.

Excuse me?

I have to go to the bank.

They have a website.

I found the website.

I have to take it over laugh.

Anyway, so he's like bragging to us.

We're like, yo, so like, are the parking guys in New York like union?

Like, that's what you ask every job on a film shooters.

Like, are you union or not?

Because that's like, you know, an easy conversation starter.

And he's like, hell no, dude.

I'm never going union.

I'm never going union, bro.

He's like, yeah, man, I raised like six kids.

I raised like six kids.

Nine.

I raised kids.

You exaggerated in the wrong direction on that.

Yeah, yeah, that's crazy.

He's like, I raised nine kids.

Last year, Extreme Parking made $85,000.

And like split between me and my five guys.

Oh, we asked him.

We asked him.

He's like, I made $90,000 last year.

And I was like, that's pretty good.

Is that before or after tax?

He's like, well, it's split between me and my like eight guys.

I'm like, that's no money.

You made no money.

No way I'm going union, man.

No way I'm going union, bro.

I've raised nine kids on this.

That's so fucking good.

On this parking game.

Yeah.

Holy shit.

What is he feeding those fucking kids, dude?

I don't know, man.

But production's the funniest job for meeting those kinds of people.

Oh, it's bad.

The other extra, I did extra work on Blue Bloods.

Oh, yeah.

Tom Selleck.

Did you see Tom Selleck?

No, but I saw Donnie.

Oh, hell yeah.

I saw Donnie.

And there was this fucking guy there, this older black dude, who was like in his, like,

probably, he was probably in his early 60s.

Okay.

And,

you know, he clearly had taken elocution lessons, or at least knew how to approximate them.

You know, he's like always had his fucking eyebrows vaulted, you know, like speaking in a

very

erudite way or whatever, but then

bullshit.

It was always bullshit.

And like the minute I saw this guy when we're sitting and holding, I'm like, I'm going to listen to every word this guy has to say.

Also, a lot of the extras have their own cop outfits because they do extra work so much.

Oh, wow.

They go and buy New York police officer outfits.

I come with my uniform.

No, that's what they do because that's like you can get a job as like

you know,

the guy that's permanently a police officer on the background of like CSI or whatever.

So we're there, and he finds this girl.

I forget her name.

We'll call her Gabby.

And she was like, younger, like, kind of attractive, but not TV attractive.

You know, like, oh, she's like, yeah, I'm trying to become an actress.

You know, like, that's what I want to do, is I want to be an actress.

And it's like, you know, I mean, whatever.

She's 19.

So she has time to

figure out that, you know, don't not.

going to be an actress, yeah.

And uh,

this Lawrence guy immediately hones in on her because it's someone that he can spew all of his bullshit to.

Oh, god, and uh, you know, like I'm trying to remember a couple of the hits, but you know, there was a good one in there where he's like, you know, I mean, I show up on these sets and you know, I'm ready to go, you know.

And I, one time, they say to me, Lawrence, you know, we need you to move up and we need you to speak a couple of lines in this one.

And I say, I'm ready, I can do that.

But they

give me just my my sides, and I say, well, I'm going to need the whole script.

I need to understand my character's motivations.

What is he feeling in this situation?

And the line is like.

Yeah.

Has anybody seen The Coffee Maker?

She pokes her head in or whatever.

Yeah.

It's never.

They went that way.

And he's like, I need to know my motivations.

And then, you know, it's like everything's like...

Just filled with all this bitterness.

There's like a sub-text

of jealousy and anger.

And there's one time he was like, I just heard how many soccer he's like and i told her you know

you know i mean next time you're gonna be working for me i'll be producing on the next one i'll be directing you know you're gonna be working for me so you know no you can't talk to me that way

i forget who said the line but my one of my favorite lines is uh i'm gonna show them who's never been boss

and i think that applies i think that applies to lawrence but so he's going off about you know the whole time one time he's saying uh you know i've been here since season one i've been working here on this project together since season one.

It's like, you know, you've just been booked as an extra

for seven years.

On blue bloods.

Yeah, yeah, on blue bloods.

The show with 19 granddads where everyone has a mustache.

The mustache granddad show.

Yes, so it's like Tom Sellek is supposed to play the patriarch on that show.

He's like this cop granddad, and then his son

has a son.

So he's like the great, he's the granddad.

And then Tom Selik's dad is on the show, too.

So there's another grandpa.

Jesus Christ.

Really?

There's like

nine generations of Irish cops, but the guy who plays Tom Sellek's father on the show is only like three years older than Tom Selick in real life.

Because his math doesn't make any fucking sense.

So after like a whole day of Lawrence going off about how much, you know, everybody loves him or whatever.

He's talking, he's like, you know, me and Donnie have been working on this project for years together.

Donnie Wahlberg shows up.

You know, nobody's seen Donnie yet.

I'm like, oh, that's pretty cool.

It's Donnie Wahlberg.

And he walks by, and Lawrence sees him and he goes, Good morning, Donnie.

And Donnie Wahlberg takes one look at this man and goes,

Been seeing too much of you around here, Lawrence.

And just walks away.

Been seeing too much of you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He was completely annoyed.

And then he goes, he turns to that girl and he's like, we play games with each other.

We like to joke around with each other.

Oh, boy.

Oh, man.

Okay, so if we're talking about like career extra,

I feel, I mean, Tommy Myers is coming up again.

Have you guys seen his acting reels?

His acting reels, the absolute best.

He's like the investigation discovery shit.

It's like he's a priest on like an investigation.

He doesn't look surprised.

He looks like he learned emotions from like emojis.

Yeah.

He learned how to react to things.

Okay, well, I'm supposed to have dollar signs in my eyes right now.

What is the dollar sign tongue emoji all about?

Put your money where your mouth is, dude.

That took me years to figure that out.

Yeah, that's incredible for you, man.

So, Tom, your motivation in this scene is I want you to imagine that your character is confused.

He's just been hit with all this information about this missing girl.

It's almost like I want you to imagine that you've just had like a bong hit transfer.

Like, that's what you're doing in this scene.

Is it just okay?

So, Tom, you're carrying, so this is.

You're in the hospital, Tom.

Yeah, you're in the hospital.

You just had a bong hit transfer.

The EKG is beeping next to you.

Okay, so there were complications during your bong hit transplant.

Tom,

first of all, thank you for being a part of the reboot of West Wing.

I'm so happy you're here.

So, basically, in this scene, you know, it's a walk-and-talk scene, and you are there next to Madam President, and you're walking down the hallway of the West Wing, and then you have to eat her pussy.

If you can do that for us, Tom.

She wants to get revenge on Bill.

Tom, I want you to imagine.

Okay, so pretend like you've smoked pot before.

Imagine you're Paul Revere and you're on pot.

I think the British are coming, dude.

The British are coming, man.

So the

Brexit.

What do you guys think?

Oh, of course.

Oh, Bréchie.

Za Brechi?

Well, man, it's just, you know what I mean?

I don't know.

That's one of those things I didn't fucking pay attention to.

They said they were going to do it, and

they did it.

I look at my friends reacting to it on Twitter.

I'm like, I guess I'm supposed to be mad about this.

I don't even know what the EU is, really.

I just thought it meant you don't have to get a work visa if you want to work.

Yeah, it's easy.

That doesn't apply to me.

It doesn't mean shit to me.

I think it does feel like too much shit that's a little weird is happening recently.

Like, I could, this could be just something.

this happens, and then some fucking, there's a skirmish.

You think, like, a Trump, like, some, something fucked up, I feel like, I don't know.

This is the first time I've been like, that's weird.

That's a fucked up.

I'll just say the worst part of the Brexit for me is my dad called me four times on Saturday.

My dad called you about everything, though.

With Brexit puns.

And it was like, I was

living in an absolute eternal hell.

Damn, dude.

Terrible.

That must suck.

Having a loving father.

Bitch.

This bitch has a good relationship with his parents.

Ha ha.

What do you mean?

What do you mean that's the first time you think?

Oh, fuck.

Now I'm calling you.

It was my dad's birthday yesterday.

That's hilarious.

I got to call my fucking father.

Shit.

How old is he?

Dude, I could not tell you.

I think he's.

Jesus Christ, man.

Come on.

You can't even eyeball it.

He's 60.

63?

That makes sense.

That's like my dad's age.

My dad's turning 65 this month.

My dad's like 63, 65.

all right let's see i'm 27 he was 35 when he had me

64 right 64 no that doesn't make sense 62 because my dad was like 36 when i was born and he's like 63 62

yeah that's right that's what i'll say your dad's got to be a year younger than my dad okay because i'm older than you yeah but my dad could fuck your dad's bitch ass up dude what if what if me my dad and your dad like kissed back in elementary school

what if they practiced kissing on each other and that's how they met our moms dude that's probably what if we even

What if we parent-trap all three of our dads to be gay again?

So we could be real brothers.

Your dad would, I feel like your dad would be a bottom.

Yo, check this out.

What if your dad's a top?

No.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Your dad's a Marikon.

My dad would be a bad guy.

He's a Marikon.

Marikon.

Marikon.

My dad is a Marikon.

Your dad's a fucking cop.

My dad's a Wachowski.

The worst joke throw a little wig on him.

Throw a dreadlock wig on him.

The worst joke pitch I ever got from him.

I was like, he called like four times.

I called him back and he's like, comedy is over.

Comedy is over.

And I'm like, what are you talking about?

He's like, his name is Weiner.

And he showed his Weiner.

And I was like, I gotta go.

I have to go.

That is a pretty good.

Leave me alone, please.

What happens to dads that they just become horribly fucking unfunny?

Yeah.

Even like professional comedian dads.

Like at like 65.

Like, I don't know what happened.

That's it.

As soon as you become a father, the two things happen.

You stop being funny and you start having to scream when you yawn.

Yeah.

I don't understand what that is.

You can't just fucking yawn like a normal person.

You just start screaming.

Like a deaf person having an orgasm.

Take that.

You guys are lucky though that

Sorry, make this Jew again, but your dads don't go through one of those like make, like just getting obsessed with Israel things like just getting angry and shouting at you about it.

Yeah, but everybody's dad's racist about something well your guys dads get into cool stuff like trains and stuff, right?

Yeah, my dad's into trains.

My dad's like really like developed autism at age like 61.

His wife took him to like a train museum for his birthday a couple years ago, and he's like trying to show me a train video on his like phone and I almost had to go cry.

Oh my god.

I was like, I feel so bad for you.

Dude, what's happening?

My father became a crazy cat man.

I'm not even kidding, dude.

This fucking, so he's got, he's a carpenter, he's got his own like fucking place.

And I went in there to visit him, dude.

There was at least 15 cats.

Just he just had fucking.

Is it all Greek dudes?

Huh?

Is it all Greek dudes working at the spot?

It's just his fucking spot.

It's just your dad, Hemingway.

Your dad's like Hemingway.

Yeah, maybe he'll fucking shoot himself.

Shoot himself in the face.

And he was hoping

you can get all that cat money, dude.

Yeah, I could fucking inherit all the shit.

Inherit his debt.

Hemingway was so dumb, dude.

Why do people like Hemingway?

Hot take.

I don't know.

Hot take away.

I've never enjoyed his writing.

He's like, oh, I'm incredible.

I went to Africa and I murdered an animal.

I'm going to write a fucking whole story about that.

People are going to be like, oh, this is incredible.

You remember a guy who went to Africa and he murdered an animal?

You know that short story?

What is it?

The short symbolizes of Francis McComer?

Is that Hemingway?

It's a Hemingway short story that's like the most

PUA MRA thing I've ever read, really.

Yeah, so the story is like this guy goes to Africa with his hot wife to like hunt a lion, but then there's this just fucking big dick swinging like hunter that's already there that like has to take them out into the field and this guy's like a stuck up like, you know, he cuts him?

No, well, yeah, he does.

So they go out to, you know, to hunt and he like takes his like, you know, disaffected, you know, like disillusioned wife out into the field with him so she can watch him do a safari or whatever to oh to like want to fuck him again.

Yeah, and they go out.

Well, not at this point in the story they're just sort of like in a you know a malaise they're like upper middle class people or whatever he's like we're going on safari and they go out into the into the you know the field or whatever and there's like a rhino or something and the guy tenses up and he can't shoot the rhino he's like a coward about it or whatever he's a bitch and the hunter has to save him and the hunter saves him and then there's like the next scene is like The guy's in his tent at night and he hears his wife go like, fuck the other guy.

What?

Yeah, and he just sits there like all mad while the wife's like, fucking the other guy.

And then she comes back, and he's, like, all pissed off.

He's like, I can't believe you fucking did that, or whatever.

So the next day, they go out, and there's a fucking lion, dude.

And he's like, I'm going to kill that lion.

And he goes out, and even the hunter's like, don't do it, man.

You know, like, don't kill the lion.

And he like goes out in the field and then he like shoots once and shoots twice and he's missing or whatever.

And then finally, there's like one last shot and he like the lion drops, but he drops too.

And the wife had, like, stood up, and she shot, like, him in the back of the head.

So

he became a man, but then his fucking bitch wife killed him.

And he just sucked off the guy.

Yeah, that sounds like some pretty related to that.

That sounds, I mean, that sounds a lot like that old joke where, like, yeah, just like imagine Hemingway sitting at his like fucking typewriter, being like, and then that fucking cunt, and then here's what she did.

And I'm me, I got a fucking hard six and a half.

That's average, dude.

That's fucking average.

No one can tell you it's not average.

Average means good.

Yo, you know that old joke, though, about the guy that goes to Africa to kill the lion?

No.

Is it poor old, he thinks it's a Cadillac?

Is it that one?

No, no, no.

He goes out and killed the lion and he sits back and he unloads.

He unloads on like bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.

The dust settles.

The lion's still staying there.

And the lion goes up to him and he's like,

you know, you missed me, so I'm going to give you a choice.

Like, either you,

I'm gonna eat you or you can suck my dick so he's like all right I'm gonna suck your dick right and then the next the next you know season whatever he goes out he sees the same line bang bang bang bang bang does settles he's like you missed me you're gonna have to I'm gonna eat you or you're gonna have to suck my dick and then like the third season obviously yeah he's like out there and he's like yeah

The lion like comes up to him and he's like he's seeing his life flash before his eyes and he looks him square in the eyes and he's like

you must really like sucking my dick.

My grandfather told me that

doesn't make any fucking sense.

I thought the punchline was going to be something like you want to just skip.

I don't know, I don't know what, but I thought that was like a very well-known old joke.

That's like, oh, I've never heard that.

My grandfather told me that joke.

It doesn't make any sense.

It makes no sense.

That was like, there used to be a joke in life or something.

Like a genie when I was like in middle school.

And it didn't.

It was like, you get two wishes.

The first was like, I want to suck another guy's dick.

That's what Mike asked for.

That's like the punchline is like somebody.

Being gay.

Being gay, yeah.

But there's a genie involved.

Oh, yeah.

I remember there was, there was a fucking,

yeah, there was another one where it was like a gorilla.

It's like, we'll give you, they told this poor zookeeper, we'll give you

$80,000 to get fucked in the ass by this gorilla.

And he's like, or he's like, for $80,000,

get fucked in the ass.

And he's like, all right, I'll do it, but you're going to have to give me some time to come up with $80,000.

That was like a fucking joke.

I used to tell on buses.

On that one, no.

R.I.P.

R.

Romb.

RIP.

You got to plug that.

I'm sorry, man.

God damn it.

Every day, it's getting a little better, but.

It's been a long day.

Oh, damn.

Without you, my friend.

Well,

I think

this is a good first chunk.

What do you want to do?

Sure.

I mean, we can just go through.

We don't need to go through.

You want to go through?

Yeah, but we have

a P.

Oh, you got a P?

Okay, then we'll take a break and then we'll come back.

Is there anything else we wanted to riff on before you guys got any zingers in there over the last

Brexit, dude?

I can't get over it.

Yeah, how about this Boris Johnson?

It looks like fucking Trump.

Yes.

Yeah, they got the same hair.

He looks like Boris Becker, dude.

Uh-oh.

Good show.

That blind guy.

Brexit, Danson, Becker,

Johnson.

We made it.

We brought it all full suckle.

And you know who else was on cheers

with Ted Danson was Fraser.

Frazier from earlier.

Which we also mentioned.

I'm Shai.

Yay, Niles.

We fuck aliens.

It's so funny how callbacks work.

I know.

How this feel like a comic will be on stage in 45 minutes in their act and be like, egg sandwich anyone and be like,

he said that 25 minutes ago.

Why do you think?

I think legitimately legitimately it's because like it's the same reason that roasts work, right?

Because everyone laughs when you're making fun of a celebrity because it's like a common experience.

Like hating Justin Bieber is something that we all feel or something.

Supposedly, I don't give a fuck about Justin Bieber.

So that, yeah, it's like, oh, yeah, we shared that joke 20 minutes ago.

That's why

I think it honestly is just like

the first time that happens, it's fucking weird and funny.

So you laugh.

And then if you have two jokes that have the same punchline, it's a funny coincidence.

So it's like, oh, this is fun, but now people just like I think he's right.

I think it has to do with like the communal aspect or whatever.

You know, and I think that's why like a lot of like why newer comedy or stuff online that's like you can't really understand the structure of it.

Like what makes Sam Hyde so funny?

Why that can't appeal?

Why you could never do that on stage just because it's like necessarily individual.

There's no like community there.

It's just like one guy's fucking weird personality.

All comedy like on the internet like memes is like doobie comedy, like not like joint, but like, yeah, yeah, people do be like that.

Oh, my gosh, teachers do be like,

you can just plug in whatever you want, because, like, oh, that time when the teacher looking at you, and you, like, you know, it's all like, oh, yeah, that's just hate when the teacher beat it.

When I was like 17,

me and my friend Brendan used to hang out with like these kids that we just hated.

We like didn't like them, of course.

And

I wasn't there for it, but Brendan was telling me about it.

Like, one of them was showing everyone on his laptop this picture of,

it's like SpongeBob square pants, but his eyes are all red, and he's got a bong and like pot leaf behind them.

And it's, you know, it's like SpongeBong hemp pants, SpongeBob weed pants, and they're dying.

And this one kid goes,

oh man, I got to show my dad this.

My dad will love this, dude.

That sucks, man.

That's like worse than if he was just like, yeah, my dad molested me when I I was a kid.

It's on par with that.

Is that so much of a slip?

Dad loves proto-memes.

Dad loves SpongeBong weed pants.

Dude, I can't believe David Cameron fucked up so bad, guys, and that breaks it.

Yeah.

That was crazy.

How did he fucking wait?

How do you go from directing Titan?

Didn't he fuck a pig in the mouth?

Didn't that come out a couple years ago that he fucked a pig's mouth?

Is that what Black Mirror was about?

I think Black Mirror might have

made some allusion to it.

Or maybe that even came out after Black Mirror.

That when he was at Cambridge or Oxford or whatever, he was in some secret society where he had to fuck a pig in the mouth.

He did.

And then that just went away, and he was allowed to continue being the prime.

Do you see it?

The speech where he said, sorry, and then quit.

Yeah, yeah.

It was pretty funny, though, to be like, all right, well, fuck that.

That's pretty good.

That's on par with Nixon's just like, that was awesome.

See ya.

See ya.

Peace signs.

He literally

trolled on his way out.

It was awesome.

That was the best thing he's ever done.

His fucking jowls shaking.

It was awesome.

All right.

Ain't Jews going to be at the party?

I don't want Jews at the party.

Did you read the book with all the transcripts in it?

Well, we were going to do that as a

podcast.

We were going to do a Nixon Secret Tape podcast.

Where we'd get people to play Kissinger and whatever.

Hey, that's not bad.

And we just do excerpts from the tapes.

We do little

how that goes from being like, you know, it'd be a funny idea to actually being something.

That's hard.

Yeah.

We try to come up with bits and we do them, and it's like, all right, that was a minute and 22 seconds long, and I used three racial slurs.

So

I guess we're going to have to delete that.

Dude, we got some great character work in the past.

I mean, this will be the rest of this, there will be no character work for sure.

No one will be doing any characters, but we've done in the past some pretty good character stuff.

I think there are a couple characters that I think we've done on this podcast.

I think, I hope

Lauren Michaels isn't listening.

Yeah, Lauren.

Lauren is listening.

Yeah, we came up with Doctor Evil.

That's one of the things.

We wrote Doc Evil.

Hey, it's me, the family guy.

That's our other character, is the family guy.

Oh,

Lawish.

Hey, I'm trying to eat a sandwich.

I'm freaking a fat guy.

I'm a freaking fat family guy, and I want a sandwich over here.

A freaking sandwich.

Is Family Guy Guy gay?

Oh, totally.

McFarlands?

Absolutely.

And I feel like he's one of those gay guys that feels like he missed the opportunity to come out of the closet.

So he just really likes musicals?

Well, he's just like, I feel like that's probably a problem that gay guys have now, where it's like you had a window to come out of the closet.

Now you're just old and you're like, everybody already assumes I'm gay.

I don't know if I should say anything or

what.

That was right after, right when the Orlando shooting happened, the Matilda girl.

Oh, yeah.

Mara Wilson was like posting on Facebook.

She's like,

by the way, guys, I'm queer.

I don't know if you know that.

She used that day to be like,

I'm queer.

Not gay, queer, which just means that

I got my hair cut too short one time.

Exactly.

Oh, man.

I was at Pride the other day, and I saw, you know what I like?

Sucking off guys.

Well, yeah, it's Pride, dude.

Not prude.

It's Pride.

You got to have fun, man.

Fleet Week.

Fleet Week is a real pride.

That's what I'm saying.

Let's be honest.

Those are the most prideful men.

Semen outfits.

They're called semen.

They're literally called semen.

There has to have been a hack comic that made a joke about people thinking that it's like white pride or whatever, right?

No, but I'll take it.

I call that one.

All right, that's yours.

That's all.

Thanks, man.

You guys see these Donald Duck racists out here?

They're all dressed like Donald Duck and they're white supremacists.

So,

yeah, no, I was at Pride, and there's, you know, like, it's all like people that are naked or whatever, and they're like kissing each other.

It's like

expressing sexuality.

And I swear to God, I was walking down the street, and in the middle of like the parade, and like one of those, like, East or West 10th, there's a fucking like, probably homeless, older black lady, like in her, like, you know, early 70s, rail thin, you know, like kind of like an emaciated crack body.

And she's in a wheelchair, and she's got her, like, jeggings pulled down over her, like, you know, the diameter of her legs was probably like four inches each.

She's like bean pulled legs.

Jesus Christ.

And she's got her jeggings pulled down.

She's masturbating with both hands.

And she's like, oh my God.

Oh my.

Oh my fucking God.

And she's fucking just rubbing her pussy and everyone's just trying to ignore it, like shielding their eyes.

And trying to ignore her.

Like, why doesn't she have her own float?

This should be in the parade.

Can we get her?

Can she be the Grand Marshal?

This is the most powerful display of sexuality of anything here.

What, we're supposed to be proud of some fucking hot 20-year-old girl with pasties on her perfect tits?

Yeah, yeah.

Give this woman a fucking TV show.

She's a ripped jar head guy with like ultimate warrior, like

rubber tassels around tassels, whatever.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I love that too, because she's probably just beating off to all the gay dudes.

Oh, you can't do that.

You see what she was doing.

She was just staring at all these men and masters.

Just looking incredible.

I got a piece of it.

All right, we're going to take a break and then we got a real sweet treat for you after a break.

We better think of something.

All right.

See you guys.

The day after tomorrow.

A time when criminals rule the city.

The only weapon that can stop them needs a driver.

A man without a memory can be supplied with incredible cosmetic fine-tuning MBR driver.

Let's initiate changeover.

Three, two,

one,

activate.

The most wanted man on wheels is about to change sides.

Now, against a corrupt system, a lone fight for justice,

Viper is taking back the streets.

Folks, the boys are back in town.

Brockman Turner Overdrive, live in studio.

But some sad news.

All right, I guess I'm just going to abandon.

Oh, I'm sorry.

You guys got nothing for that?

I wasn't going anywhere with that.

Oh, yeah.

It was Finn Lizzie that sang that song.

What, boys are back in town?

Yeah, yeah.

No, it's not.

Yes.

It is.

Oh, it is.

You're right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You're right.

Fucking Ireland zone.

Yeah.

Look, dude, we're all a little frazzled.

We just had to.

Yeah, no, we got terrible news.

Terrible news.

Um, guys, we found out, uh, you know,

and I know this is gonna, you know, be weird, uh, you know, like, tonally.

Before you say anything, can you just, like, be responsible?

Like, be, like, honor, uh honor what we're about to say.

Like, do it with honor and not no jokes.

Yeah, I won't make any jokes, I guess.

I mean, I do feel partially responsible.

I guess I was kind of mean to him, but it was like a freak accident.

But Seth Dickfield, who you guys may or may not know, he's come on the podcast sometimes.

We've had some.

Have you met him?

No, actually, I haven't.

But we've had like sort of like a, I guess, you know, like

an intense, you know, back and forth, I guess, a little bit.

I mean, I was a little annoyed that he came on my show, and he caused, you know, some grief with another guy I know.

A good friend of yours.

Yeah, a guy that I'm, you know, I'm pretty good friends with that I've known for years.

Just a guy, I mean, we've known each other for 10 years, you know, since he was like about 30.

He's near 40 now.

So that's how long I've known him.

He's almost 40 years old now.

But

yeah, Seth Dickfield, unfortunately, was

on vacation in Europe

last week, and he was visiting Auschwitz just to see the sights and take it in.

And he slipped on a banana peel and cracked his head open on one of those novelty penny smashing machines.

Oh, no.

And he died.

I can't deal with this man.

And I know it sounds like that's a very funny way to die.

Yeah, especially considering he's not even Jewish.

He's not even...

But

it's the actual way he died.

I know that, like, that guy from Star Trek that died, you know, like everyone was pretty chill about not making jokes about the ridiculous way.

Don't laugh at it, dude.

Sorry.

There's nothing funny about Anton Yelchin.

being crushed by his Jeep while trying to check his mail by driving over himself.

There's nothing funny about that.

It's not funny.

I can't do this, man.

And it's not funny that there is a steakhouse-themed

there's a

Holocaust-themed steakhouse.

That's not funny.

It's not funny that Seth was there.

Guys, I can't.

This tone is too light.

I can't do this, man.

I don't want to disrespect the dead.

I gotta go, man.

I'm sorry.

All right.

Well,

luckily,

we have someone here to send Seth off.

Oh, no, yo.

Oh, what's up?

Everybody, please welcome Ralph Arowski, Seth Dickfield's cousin.

My beautiful cousin, Seth, yo.

Yo, this is the saddest day of my fucking life since the O's lost to the fucking Kansas City Royals and the fucking AL champions.

Yo, the fucking goings always go early, yo.

You know, um, that's true.

The gones always go early.

The goings always go early.

The goings?

The goans.

Yo, please do not fucking antagonize me right now, yo.

I just lost my fucking baby cousin, yo.

I will not have this right now, yo.

He's grieving.

I'm grieving, yo.

What are the fucking seven stages of grief?

Fucking sadness.

Denial.

Beating up a fucking Jew that talks to you funny.

You know what I mean, buddy?

And right now, I'm getting close to number three right now, okay?

I'm sorry.

Let me mourn my fucking cousin, yo.

I'm sorry, Ralph.

We're here for you.

Yo, I don't know, dude.

This is tough, man.

This is tough now.

My family, now we got to find a new gay cousin to make fun of, yo.

Yo, I think it's going to be my cousin Mark who cried during 9-11.

You know,

that's not the kind of family we are, yo.

We are a vengeance family, yo.

We find some seeks and we beat them up afterwards.

We don't fucking cry about that shit.

So, Mark is, but it could be, you know, it could be who knows, man.

Is there going to be a funeral for Seth?

Yeah, there's going to be a funeral.

We're going to

stuff his body up into a uh crab cake and are you getting him taxidermied yeah we're gonna get him taxidermied and we're gonna actually um

we're gonna put him just in the den uh in uncle mark's den where uh it was his favorite place to visit and we're just gonna

we're gonna put steeler put a steelers jersey on him and we're gonna give him the finger just like for old people's sake um

that's how we want to remember him as uh a guy we fuck with was he a big Steelers fan?

No.

No, he wasn't.

We would actually hold him down and we would toss Steelers' memorabilia onto him, and then we would send him out into

the streets of Baltimore, and we would tell people he loved the Steelers, and then people would commit acts of hate against him, and also we would tell them he was gay.

Could you, I mean, I know it's tough in a tragedy like this that you didn't, you obviously feel like you were robbed of the opportunity to say goodbye and to say

if you could say something to Seth right now, like

what would you say?

I would say, Seth, yo, don't be doing no gay shit in heaven, yo.

Because I'm about to be up there and I'm about to be finger-popping some bitches.

And if they hear, if Marilyn Monroe hears that I got a gay, fake Jew cousin, you know, that might fuck my shit up.

You know what I'm saying?

That's who you're going for in heaven, Marilyn Monroe.

Marilyn Monroe.

Yeah, well, yeah, Marilyn Monroe, this

fucking cross-eyed black girl from Dundalk High School that was killed in junior year.

Her name was Mary.

Is there a different Marilyn?

Yeah, yeah.

She sucked my dick out back behind a Mars once while I was eating fucking burger cookies.

You gotta go back for doubles.

So I'm going back, so don't be fucking my shit up with Marilyn.

I know she got that good heaven body up air now, Seth.

What do you think Seth would do if he had one more day on this earth?

Honestly, yo, I think he would probably get on Grinder and then message a guy and then be about to meet up and then delete his account real quick because he realizes he's still in the closet and meeting up.

He didn't know what he would do if anybody ever found out he was gay.

I think if he had one last time on this earth.

Do you think Seth would get bullied off of Grindr perhaps?

Yeah, I could see that definitely going.

Someone might make fun of Seth on Grinder and he has to delete his account.

Yeah, I can see that.

Because he got PTSD.

Yeah.

Yeah, he's gotten PTSD before, yo.

But you gave it to him.

You gave him PTSD by teasing him.

Well, that's how that's what family does, yeah.

That's the kind of family we was.

So I um

I actually, when I heard the news about Seth, I reached out to my friend who lives in Silicon Valley.

He's an app developer.

Oh my god.

And so he developed love gay shit like ass.

He developed

he developed an app

that it's basically they can create create a facsimile of your loved one after they die.

Oh my god.

So you can just click on the Seth app.

Oh my god.

I got him to make a Seth one.

Are you serious?

So we're gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna hook Seth up to the soundboard right now.

Yeah,

and I'm gonna give you the opportunity to say goodbye

to your cousin.

Yeah, okay.

Is that alright with you?

If you're not ready, if that's new, if I'm ready, I don't know.

I don't know if I'm ready for this right now, but um

okay, so I'm gonna just click him in.

I'm just gonna.

Okay.

Hello, everybody.

It's me.

Yes.

Hello.

I'm not dead anymore.

Seth is so good to find.

He's inside the phone now.

He's in a phone, yo?

Yeah, he's in the middle.

I live in the phone now, everybody.

Oh, my God.

I can always have him in my pocket, yo.

Seth, yo.

Hi, it's me, Seth.

Seth, do you know how you died?

I'm not dead anymore, everybody.

Seth, yo, one big-ass question, question, yo.

Are these coins in the lost and found for anyone?

Seth, listen to me, yo.

I'm trying to ask you a serious fucking question, yo.

Hello, it's me, Seth.

I'm not dead anymore.

Seth, you fucking little slut.

Shut the fuck up.

Oh, my God, yo.

Yo, have you seen my coupon for half-off stakeums or what, yo?

Can I bring my own coupons?

Yo, this fucking app sucks, yo.

This is something more you can do.

Yeah, I don't know.

Hi, it's me, Seth.

I'm not dead anymore.

This is, yo, honestly, I'm tired of this shit, yo.

Fuck, you're ruining the fucking tone of it.

I think you're making a mockery of me, my fucking shit.

I'm not making a mockery.

I just thought it might be a mockery.

I think you're fucking my shit up.

I thought it might be nice if you, Adam.

Don't use that app anymore.

Okay, I'm going to...

All right.

I thought it might be nice if you could see your cousin.

No, that's disrespectful.

I mean, even I wouldn't do that.

Dude, don't you ever do that.

I got half a mind to slap your ass over this fucking.

You're lucky I respect Anthony Kumia in the studio too much to do that to you right now.

But I feel like.

Well, you better calm down because I'll tell you right now, everybody here in the Anthony Camilla studio has a concealed carry permit.

Yeah, and I'm all

the way 100% up there with carrying your own fucking arms, yo.

I think, honestly, I take my own gun, my gun to the paintball, yeah.

We only got three amendments we care about here in the Anthony Camilla studio.

Number one, free speech, number two, guns, number

27, podcasting, right to podcast.

Listen, I think

I think we need to send Seth off, yo.

I think we need to say goodbye.

I think we need to

beautiful ass piece of fucking meat.

Seth left us a song that he wanted us to play.

And we're going to end it on that note and let Seth himself take us out.

I'll miss you, Seth, yo.

R.I.P., Dickfield.

R.I.P.

We'll never forget you.

We'll miss you, Dickfield.

Come town, episode 8.

The, I don't know.

The eighth episode.

That's what this one's going to be called.

Goodbye, Seth.

I love you, you.

I fucking love you, you.

I'm sorry.

Goodbye, everybody.

Hey, everybody.

It's me, Seth Dickfield.

Hi, it's me, Seth.

And now I am dead.

And I'll complain all about it when I see you again.

It's been a long day

fighting Republicans

And I'll complain all about it to none of my friends

I don't have any friends

Goodbye everybody I've had a great time here on the podcast telling everyone about all my various uh circumcisions and political opinions and uh

it's been so much fun being woke but i'm in heaven now uh where you go if you're perfect like me and beyond criticism

you know i i know i've complained a lot about uh

the bernie bros and uh

the mra's but you know we're all people

I don't remember exactly how this song goes and I'm not looking at the lyrics so

I just want to reiterate

that I'm dead now I slipped on a on a banana peel at Auschwitz

and my head hit oh oh geez it hit one of these penny machines

Oh boy, here comes the loud part of the song again.

You know what I can't stand?

Loud noises.

Some of us have PTSD, folks.

Some of us got PTSD from being teased as children.

I was bullied relentlessly by my 32 older brothers who

all hit puberty before me.

I have actually never hit puberty.

I still don't have puberty.

Now I'm up here in heaven with Harambe the gorilla.

And he's been having sex with me.

He's been demanding sex and I have to give it to him because, first of all, it's right to refuse sex

if you're a man, and also because he's stronger than you.

And with that, folks, I'm gonna have to say goodbye once and for all.

And I don't know what I don't remember this part of the song either.

Goodbye, everybody.

This is Bethany Frankel from Just Be with Bethany Frankl.

Here's my summer tip: don't overthink your dogs' meals.

My pups love just fresh from just food for dogs, complete, balanced, fresh, shelf-staple meals that go everywhere from New York City to weekends in the Hamptons.

I mean, you can have real food ready to go for your pup anywhere.

No cooler, no hassle, just grab and go.

I've seen the difference.

Healthier coats, more energy, tails wagging at mealtime.

Biggie and smalls love it, and I'm all about stuff that just makes sense when life is busy.

Go to justfoodfordogs.com and get 50% off your first order right now.

No code needed.