Ep. 7 – Autism Powers

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Hey, everybody.

Welcome to Come Town, episode 6.

Just two of us today.

Sorry, seven.

Episode seven.

Episode seven.

Which is just two of us.

We're a little.

Our leader, Nicholas Mullen, is not here.

He's actually at a rape joke convention.

Yeah, there's a keynote, Daniel Tosh keynote.

Tosh will be in there.

Brock Turner, I think, is Skyping in.

Nick is going also to an N-word convention headlined by Kramer next week.

So Nick isn't here, so, but listen, you're going to want to stick with us.

Hold up, hold up, hold up.

What's up?

Weedum boys?

That's right, Weedum Voice.

We are Dem Boys.

Did we say I'm Styros Hockey?

Adam Friedland.

Puerto Rican Rattlesnake.

The Puerto Rican.

But seriously, you are going to want to stick around because we have an incredible.

This is our biggest get for sure.

We've had some great comics on, but this guy,

seriously, I'm pretty stoked about having this guy on the show.

He's big.

Normally, when you guys get famous people, I'm not on the show.

Yeah, and this is the most famous person we've ever met.

Exactly, and that's without.

I'm pretty stoked.

So, guys, without further ado, Dr.

Evil is here.

Woo!

Thank you, Stavros.

Thank you, Adam.

It is a pleasure to be here at Cometown.

We're so happy to have you.

I mean, I've been a fan for years, really.

For years.

Yeah, you're too kind.

I didn't know you were a real person.

I thought you were just from movies.

Yeah, a lot of people make that mistake, Adam.

They think I'm a silly character, but no, I'm real.

You're a real person.

With a faint Canadian accent.

A very faint Canadian accent, yes.

A faint Dr.

Evil accent, some people would say.

It's almost like I've forgotten my own personality since 2003 or what have you been up to?

You've been trying to take over the world and stuff?

Still trying to take over the world.

You haven't made a lot of noise.

I've gone into startups mostly,

evil apps.

Perhaps you've heard of Grindr.

It's like Tinder, except it's for spreading AIDS.

Wow.

Wow, you're behind the grinder.

We're making noise.

We them boys, dude.

Wow.

Incredible.

Wow.

We're so happy to have you here, Dr.

Evil.

I'm happy to be here.

Do you know?

Huh?

Do you know how we booked Dr.

Evil?

How we booked him?

Nick knows him.

Nick knows him?

I think he actually saw Nick was using a lot of.

I'll tell you how it happened.

Oh, yeah.

Please tell, please fill us in.

I had an email from somebody that knows that I'm friends with him, and they said this guy's harassing women online, Ja.

And

he is.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

And they would go.

Oh, yeah, does he?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

And they asked me if I could help getting him fired.

Oh, yeah.

We got those emails, too.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

That one.

Sadie, Sadie, Sadie Doyle.

Well, don't you know I'm actually enemies with Sadie Doyle.

You are too.

So you and Nick have a common enemy.

Well, I'm what you call a brocialist.

Maybe you've heard of it.

The term.

For the listeners at home, who's Sadie Doyle again?

She's a journalist?

She's my arch nemesis.

She's a journaless.

A blogass.

A blog ass, yeah.

She's a lady who uses computers to spew hatred.

Who does she hate?

Every white male comedian.

All of them.

She has a vendetta, as they would say.

Oh, yeah.

That's true.

Why do you beef with it?

What's your problem?

You said you're a brocialist.

That's correct.

Basically, we all live in

skull mountain castles out in the water.

That's very strange because, like, I would have assumed if you were supporting someone in the U.S.

election that you wouldn't be supporting, you know, Bernie Sanders.

You must be supporting Donald Trump.

No, I'm actually a Bernie bro.

Okay.

Might think that I'm not, but I am.

I love Bernie.

I can't get enough of him.

Donald,

I just don't like his attitude.

You don't.

It's too much upfront evil.

Yeah, it's too much.

Not enough subtlety.

Let me see Donald Trump end a sentence with a long laughing gimmick, like we do.

Yeah, sure.

Which is your thing.

That's my thing.

I think that was in the second movie.

The one with Beyoncé.

It was in the gold, in the gold.

That's the third one.

But mainly that's why I hate the identity politics people, is because Beyonce dared to oppose me.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, that's their cohemy, right?

That's their hero.

I just now put it together.

Yeah.

Wow.

That's a good bit.

Wow.

So, okay, so you're bummed.

Bernie's probably going to pull out soon, right, dude?

Well, I'll tell you what, Adam.

We're going to find a way to create a new robot, Bernie, with freaking laser beams

in his eyes.

In your socialist utopia that you want to say?

In my socialist utopia, where we can harass women from the safety of international waters or space.

They have a base on the moon where

Glenn Greenwald sends me updates on the coordinated harassment campaign to bully women off the internet.

That's actually what happened.

Glenn sent me an email.

He said, hey, Dr.

Evil, how you been?

Would you mind

threatening to rape Sadie?

I'm too busy raping women in Brazil.

Wow, really?

Yeah, he lives in Brazil with his husband, right?

Sure.

They rape women together.

This is really great.

Wow.

Dr.

Evil, thank you so much for coming on the podcast because I know Nick had a bunch of beef last week with Sadie Doyle.

She was going in on it.

Right.

Yeah.

I heard about it.

Did you see that?

He used your image a lot, actually.

I actually endorse that.

Oh.

Do you make

a little bit of a meme?

I make every Doctor Evil meme myself.

That's really interesting.

Wow, that's pretty chill.

Well, I tell you what, we're winning the fight against them, but

there's one of these people, a newer

online account,

who I'm mostly worried about.

It's this guy, Woke Bastard.

Oh, Woke Bastard.

You know what?

I would love to hear about Woke Bastard, but I really have to go to the bathroom.

Oh, stop.

We're in the middle of an interview.

Dude, I know.

It's very unbelievable.

Stop.

You can't leave us.

I have to go.

I'm so sorry, you guys.

I'm going to go.

I should be back really soon, though.

All right.

DR.

I'm sorry.

You know what, DR?

I was wondering, your voice sounds a lot like Caitlin Jenner.

I was just thinking.

We had the same kind of surgery on your voice.

I take the hormones because I like the flavor.

Oh, no.

Not this guy.

Wow.

Oh, no.

It's the woke bastard.

Woke bastard.

I'm dead sexy.

No, you're not.

Woke bastard.

No, you're not, woke bastard.

Yes.

There's nothing sexy about you.

There's no place for that body negativity here.

Doctor here.

You're too fat to be lovable, okay?

That's not true.

Being hot is everybody type.

Don't listen to what the patriarchy tells you.

Wow.

I didn't.

Well, that's true.

That is.

Yeah, that's a good point.

I'm hot.

I'm dead sexy.

What I don't understand is the difference between Fat Bastard and Woke Bastard.

I'm pretty sure they're the same person.

I think Fat Bastard is more

less accepting of his body.

Exactly.

Let me explain.

You might not know because you're not.

Even though

you weren't in the scene, there's a very emotional scene where Fat Bastard's sad about being fat.

No more.

Now I love my body.

I love my curves.

I know that just because society says I'm disgusting doesn't mean I'm not lavable.

Yes, it does, actually.

Take it back.

What you should do is get a tiny clone of yourself that might weigh a fuckable weight.

Oh, are you talking about a baby?

I.

Yes.

So everyone is going to get a clone in your socialist utopia.

In my socialist utopia, yes, everyone gets their own baby.

No, they're going to be babysized.

I'll tell you something, guys.

If I had a clone, I just would not stop 69 with a clone.

Answer the question out of the case.

Well, that's a baby size.

That's why you get a tiny clone.

Like the size of a baby.

Oh, like a shrunken clone.

I love eating babysit.

So, is Austin Powers still at large?

Did you win, or did he win?

I don't.

Austin Powers has has actually been replaced.

There's a

new

foe

by the name of Autism Powers.

Autism Autism.

Yes.

He sounds pretty cool.

Adam, don't you have to go to the bathroom?

Not really.

I don't have to go to the bathroom.

I mean, I can go to the bathroom.

I have a call, actually.

I'm getting a call.

Oh, wow.

Adam's really good at improv.

I'm getting a call.

I got to go, and then I'll be right back in one second.

I just don't want to be the only host host here.

Well, just go and hold down the fault.

Yeah, baby.

Oh, no.

It's autism powers.

Autism powers.

Do trains make you horny, baby.

Yeah, he's a lot like Austin Powers, except he's mentally retarded.

And I have absolutely no sexual desire for women, baby.

That's essentially what the character is.

But you're lovable.

Just because you're retarded doesn't mean you can't have love.

Well, hold on a second, Woke Bastard.

You're not allowed to say the R-word.

I'm doing it

ironically.

Oh, okay.

That's fine.

Because I'm Woke, it's okay.

Yeah, baby.

That's not very woke of you, baby.

I mean, you might wanna...

You might wanna stop that, baby, Wookiee.

You barely know how to tie your shoes.

Can I t uh

anyway, baby?

I I

I was at home memorizing every line to every episode of Goon Movies

when I heard my arch nemesis Doctor Evil was on the Cometown P cast

and I'm here to to arrest you evil.

Uh oh yeah, arrest him for his crimes against the blogosphere.

Frankly, I've done nothing against the autistic community.

I don't understand the hatred autism powers.

Listen, all

uh, all you

what's wrong with autism powers?

Having trouble with your voice.

I think maybe autism powers ate too many edibles before the podcast.

No, baby, I've never smoked weed in my life, baby.

I'll tell you what I have eaten, though.

Is it pussy?

No, baby.

That's repulsive, baby.

A human pussy.

No, but I didn't know this stereotype about the autistic that they hated sex.

I eat train pussies, baby.

Yeah, trains don't have pussies, autism.

Well, that's just a matter of perception, baby.

Wow.

I get in the caboose and I eat that train pussy all night long, baby.

Well, I'll tell you what, I've got to go.

I've got evil plans I have to attend to.

Doctor Evil kid dreadens, as far as I'm concerned.

Thank you for having me.

I say goodbye.

Without arresting you, baby.

Say goodbye.

I gotta put you in jail, baby.

Stavros.

Art is in jail, baby.

And Adam will tell him.

Okay, thank you.

Well, there goes Dr.

Evil.

Just us, baby.

You let him off the hook.

You let him off the hook?

Here I am, bitch.

Oh, my God, baby.

This is Caitlin Jenna, baby.

Shaprage, girls.

Here I am.

It's an easier impression to do.

It sounds a lot like Doctor Evil, baby.

It may be very similar, but I'm,

you know, it's basically the same thing.

Caitlin, you're a hero.

Thank you.

Can I just say you're beautiful?

I agree with that.

You're a beauty.

I've had a lot of surgeries to make this happen.

Thank you.

I'm attracted to you sexually.

Okay, well, I have to go now, too.

Sorry.

Oh, no, I thought I was getting somewhere.

Yeah, baby.

Well,

I have to go fuck a train, baby.

So I'm going to go, but

Woke Bastard.

It's me, Woke Bastard.

Yeah,

keep it 100.

I will do that.

Oh, hey, guys.

I'm back from the rape convention.

Oh, it's Nick Mullin.

And Woke Bastard is also leaving.

I've got to go now.

Oh, even though.

Because I hate.

Because I hate Nick Mullen.

Fuck, I lost the accent.

And

a scene.

Guys, that was actually from the play Hamilton.

That was a play.

You haven't seen the play Hamilton.

There were no actors in the scene.

It's a deleted scene from Hamilton.

That was all black people doing that.

It's going to rhyme.

That's

Hamilton rough draft.

You know, give it a couple more weeks.

And, you know, that Lynn, what's his face?

Lynn Manuel Samasko.

He's going to hammer out the kinks and that.

Have any of you seen Hamilton?

No.

No.

I saw a performance.

I guess I should also just say it's good to be back, guys.

Oh, yeah.

How was that?

How was the convention?

It was pretty good.

They tried to get me fired.

Somebody sent an email to the Rape Joe Convention.

Was it old Sadie?

Yeah, it was Sadie and then a bunch of other,

you know, just like angry people online.

They said that they sent him an email and said, this guy does rape jokes.

He thinks it's funny to choke women.

Wow.

That's actually a direct quote from me.

I said that at some point.

I don't remember saying it, but apparently I said that.

You said that it's funny.

I didn't think I did, but a journalist tweeted that I said that, so I guess it must be true.

It's probably true.

Top three, banana peel on the ground, choking a woman, and hitting the balls, obviously.

Yeah, hitting the balls.

And then the trifecta, where

a woman slips on a banana peel, and her vagina falls into a guy's crotch.

And so he has the pain of being hit in the balls, but he's also raping one.

Hey, that is the funniest thing.

That's the funniest thing.

They did a study that's historically the funniest joke that translates across all nations.

Actually, that joke was written by the Japanese in World War II.

They killed a ton of GIs from laughter.

Well,

that move is actually how the Russians won the 1980 Olympics, Golden Myasses.

Yeah.

They coordinated it.

Svetlana Sharanka, she, you know, she put out the banana peel and everyone's like, what is she doing?

This is going to be fucking ridiculous.

And then and then, yeah, she she pulled it off with her partner, uh Igor fucking.

Suck kids off.

Igor Suck Kids Off.

Igor Suck Kids Off.

With a V yeah.

With a V.

It's the it's pronounced off, but it's a V Sukhid.

That's what I said.

My name is Igor Sakidso.

Oh, Igor's here.

I'm here now.

They skyped me.

The audio fidelity in my headphones is just perfect.

Oh, no, Igor's gotta go.

Oh, goodbye, everyone.

Pretty soon, the characters are just gonna be one second and like just the name, and then

oh, good day, everybody.

I'm a taught it.

See you later.

Who's that guy?

Australian Reese.

I'm the good one.

Hold on.

I've got the trans hatter.

Hello, I'm the trans hatter.

You're not allowed to call me ugly anymore.

Oh, my God.

Legally, you have to say I'm beautiful.

Man, you're only allowed to do impressions of Caitlin.

That's mean because she's rich.

That's the only trans wives.

Caitlin, bitch.

Here I am, bitch.

Here I am, bitch.

Here we are, the real trans wives of Target Bathrooms.

That's the reality show when you're a bitch.

We're all here in the bathroom for a big birthday bitch celebration.

We're cutting Miranda's balls off.

There's like a family coming in.

They're like, get out of here.

We're having mimoshas.

And Target asked the sponsor.

Oh, boy.

Yeah, the Rape Joe Convention was great.

But, you know, they sent all those emails trying to get me fired, and I was just going to go attend, and then they let me be the keynote speaker.

Oh, that's awesome.

So I gave a shout-out to Cometown, and I've noticed there were an additional 80 million downloads last year.

Yeah, we're making a lot of money off of that.

Dude, yeah, we've got the Patreon.

I said, I used to call it Petreon.

Like general Petreon.

Yeah, you suck it and fuck it.

That's how I thought you pronounced it.

And then somebody laughed at me, and I was like, yeah, you know, that's not a word.

They made up that fucking word for this.

Patreon.

Yeah, Patreon, Patreon.

Patron.

Like a patron, right?

But they couldn't call it patron because somebody already owned that.

So has anyone sent us money for whatever this podcast is?

Yeah, every episode we're making about $7,000, $7 million.

That's not bad.

It's not.

It would like growth.

We should tell the listener at home what we're going to do with the money.

Well, it goes to my crippling Ferrari addiction.

And Adidas addiction.

I'm addicted to Ferraris.

I melt them down.

For real, though, we will buy custom come town tracks.

Man, I do.

100%.

Oh, my God.

If you give us money, we will.

Yeah, Adidas wouldn't make them because they have refused to acknowledge my presence on the internet.

Damn.

No matter how many times I tweet at them or send threatening emails to their customer service department.

We could get that shit and just sew on on like a cometown patch on the back or something.

That's what we should do.

And then we should sell those at 800, you know, or 9,000% markup or whatever.

I'm down.

Why don't we get fake bootleg shit and make our now we're talking?

Yeah.

Why don't we get coogee tracksuits

and then put the cometown logo on them?

I'm done.

We'll talk about this more.

No,

what's that?

Cosby is like a majority shareholder of Coogee and private prison industry.

That makes sense.

No, I just made it up.

What if he ends up in his own prison

and that he's the hero of the prison?

You think anyway, people are like, I hope Cosby goes to jail.

It's like he would be the king there.

There's no way that they wouldn't.

Everyone in prison wouldn't love Bill Cosby.

That would be the greatest time.

His life would end beautifully.

People would be bringing him cigarettes and Doritos from commissary or whatever.

That'd be great.

Hey, Bill, how's it going?

You're the reason I almost didn't end up in here.

Well, if you just stop with the cuss words.

Oh my god, Bill Cosby's here, everybody.

I was at a restaurant

with my wife.

Restaurant?

And she said, if you just stop with the cuss words and the rape, the women, and the jaloam, the jaloam.

I had to go, yeah.

I mean, Cosby.

Okay.

It's me, everybody, the other Bill Cosby.

I'm bored the Cosby that you remember from.

Running up is kid.

Why are you doing an impression of me?

Right.

I'm not doing it.

All right.

Professor

Emirati.

I'm not fucking you.

What's me, Will Cosby?

Oh, it's me.

I'm retarded.

I'm trim.

We should just bring the

French guy.

The French guy.

Guys, guess how long this episode's been so far?

Six minutes.

20 minutes.

That's not bad.

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

Can I talk to you guys about something that's been fucking me up?

Sure.

Okay.

So I looked at the Forbes Richest People in the World list, right?

Yeah.

Number one, easy.

Bill Gates, right?

Who's number one?

Bill Gates.

No, it's Carlos Slim.

I thought it was Slim number four.

He dropped down?

According to the Slim Carlos.

According to the

current Forbes list.

Slim Carlos is the guy from the wire.

Carlos Slim is the guy that invented Slim James.

Slim Charles.

Slim Charles.

You don't even know Barbara Charles.

Charles and Carlos are the same name.

I happened to watch The Wire on Yiddish and translate it.

I didn't have to.

Watch it in Yiddish.

Slim Carlos.

Slim Carlos.

Avon Borgdalio.

I'm sorry that I watch it in Spanish, so it could be, it seemed more real to me.

I decided to change their ethnicity.

Guys, this is a working theory of mine, but the star of the wire, do you know who that was?

All the white characters.

City of Baltimore.

City of Baltimore.

All the white characters is funnier, though.

All the guys that season two of The Wire.

AKA Season 1 of

The Wire.

Frank Sabodka, Season 2, was like

31 years old.

Yeah.

But he played like a 55-year-old.

That's what happens, man.

If you go bald,

if you go bald, you get old.

You're fucking 38 years old until you die.

Except me.

Like, I'm the exception, but yeah, you get to get it.

Wait, you're a dad.

Forbes would dress like an idiot.

Forbes list.

Yeah, no, I could dress cool.

You're right.

You can play old man.

Forbes list.

No, I could.

Not one, Bill Gates.

Number four, Carlos Slim.

Number two,

I thought Warren Buffett, right?

But here's the trick: right, there's no number three.

There is.

So everyone's looking for number three, and they can't find it.

There's only four millionaires running around the school.

All right.

School.

Well, that's where you do that prank.

I don't know.

Warren Buffett, three.

Who's the number two richest guy in the world, according to Forbes, right now?

P.

Diddy.

It's the guy who owns Zara, the store.

What?

The guy who owns Zara.

I looked up his bio,

and basically, the only thing he's ever done is owned Zara.

Zara's like a short

forever 21.

He has almost as much money as Bill Gates.

He has more money than Warren Puppet.

That's insane.

What is that story?

Just like a ladies' shit?

It's like HM.

Oh, really?

It's like, but it's owned by this guy.

It makes absolutely no sense how, like, shitty pants.

Yeah.

He has almost as much money as Bill Gates.

Like, Bill Gates brought the personal computer to people's homes.

The most, like, important.

Who knows?

Al Gore, dude.

Okay, fine.

Al Gore invented computers and the internet.

That's right.

And getting sucked off outside.

He was the first guy to ever get sucked off outside was Al Gore.

I invented.

I can't even get anywhere close.

I invented?

I can't stop thinking about how the fuck this is possible.

How much money that makes.

The Zara guy being the second world.

Maybe he had money from something else.

It was probably real estate or something.

Oh, he was a Habsburg.

He owns the textile.

Have you seen that?

There's like

a conspiracy theory, but there's a meme that goes around.

It's like

one Jewish bank owns every bank.

One Jewish family owns every bank.

Oh, yeah, so that's the protocols of the elders of Zion.

No, it's like five families.

No, there's a thing going around saying that the Rothschild family owns every national bank in the entire world.

Which, you know, it's true, but like, why would you, you know, remind people of that?

Do you know what my reggae band is called?

No, this is going to be good.

The protocols of the elders of Zion.

These guys sound cool.

They smoke weed.

It's all Jewish banking people

in my reggae band.

Zion the Lion.

Zion.

Anyway,

yeah, so, but, like, the reason I was looking at the Forbes list is because I wanted to know if Donald Trump was even the richest guy named Donald in the world.

No shot.

There's three other Donalds richer than him.

I don't know, but they're fucking, they got so much money.

Well, you would have to.

If your name's Donald, you have to be a millionaire.

There isn't an Adam in the top 1,000 richest people in the world.

Good fuck that shit.

Stop.

But there are like 20 Donaldson.

Well, maybe if your fucking name was Donald or Carlos Slim or some...

Carlos Slim's a tight name.

There's a Russian oligarch that I saw on the list.

There's a Russian guy who has insane.

Igor Sakidzov.

Igor Sakidzov.

No, his first name.

He didn't capitalize off that gold medal fame.

His first name is literally God.

Really?

Yeah, yeah.

It's like God

Tsarnaev or something.

Tsarnaev.

Yo, can we talk about how that Tsarnaev guy, not guilty, y'all got to film me, though?

What happened?

Jokar Tsarnaev, the boss.

He's not guilty.

No, I just don't think he's guilty.

Oh, just so I thought you meant they had a trial and he was.

Somehow I missed that.

Yeah.

He's not guilty.

It's too beautiful.

No, first of all, you can't be a stoner and be a terrorist.

It's not possible.

That's just a terrible thing.

Are you going into a Tom Myers?

Are you working out bits?

What the fuck are you talking about?

Let me ask you this.

Did Shajar have a bong hit transplant?

I mean, you'll be.

Listen, you're telling me he's going to hit the bong and then get up and do plans?

I don't think so.

You're telling me my mom is going to take a poke.

Yeah.

On his way to the blueprints, he's going to see a bag of Cheetos.

And that's it, my friends.

Woo!

Yeah, Tom Myers.

I think someone that's never smoked weed talking with authority about me

is the funniest thing in the entire world.

So, like, bragging about

the funniest thing Tom Myers ever did.

Back to Tommy.

Yeah.

Fuck, I was going to do some research about shows.

That's going to have to be next show.

Oh, yeah, we'll do that later.

But the funniest thing Tom Myers ever did is when he did that CD taping,

I love it.

He was doing a bit, and I forget what the bit was, but he sort of just casually mentioned it while he was on stage that his parents already have a grave for him.

Next to them.

Next to them.

They've already decided this motherfucker isn't going to have a family.

You know, I bought that CD online just so I could hear Stav laughing.

So he's even exaggerating laughing.

I think it's on my computer.

I'm surprised they listened to it it so he's fucked up because Mike Turpin the whole time was like stomping his foot down on the ground.

He's like, ha ha, look, doing this exaggerated laughing.

And Mike Turpin, Mike Turpin's a giant.

He's like, he's like a powerlifter or whatever.

What after MMA guy?

Well, the guy squats like a thousand pounds.

So he's like just smashing his massive foot against the ground, like fucking up the recording equipment.

That Tom had to ask his parents to ransom for him.

I'm like, listen, guys,

when Bernie drops drops out, we will be one step closer to Tom Myers eating that pussy.

Yeah.

Well,

I'm writing that in on the ballot.

Tom Myers has to eat the pussy.

I'm voting Hillary only if Tom Myers eats the pussy.

Yeah, yeah.

We should definitely

do that and throw that in the shit.

Yeah.

Oh, definitely.

That'll be the break.

It's going to be the Tom Myers good show.

Tom Myers stuff.

Fuck.

What was I going to say?

I had another Tom Myers story.

You were talking about the Graves.

He's also an announcer

at a children's baseball field.

What was the best part about that CD taping is Tom actually has fans.

And I learned these like two weird guys from Newcastle, Delaware.

What?

Yeah, these two weird guys.

I'm serious.

These two, like,

this guy whose proportions were all fucked up.

He was like, you know, just fat and wide, a Reddit guy with a weird witch hat.

I remember that guy

and the long hair.

And he came all all the way from Newcastle.

I guess it's not that far away from Bel Air, but still.

Yeah, and you wouldn't have to.

I mean, anything longer than

the fact that Tom Myers has a fan.

Yeah, but it's like

that makes sense that that's who would be

like just the most off-brand Reddit guy.

He's like, not even cool in the Reddit world.

Yeah.

Would he?

Like, he's intimidated by guys that wear bazinga shirts.

He's like, oh, they're looking at me.

I hope they asked me to sit with them.

Holy shit, imagine being on the low end of that totem pole, dude.

Oh, my God.

That's the lowest.

Oh, remember that Mexican Reddit guy we saw?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He was wearing a fedora and a bazinga shirt.

We were shooting pool like a year ago, and there was this fucking guy.

It was like a Mexican guy with another Mexican guy, and he's wearing a bazinga shirt, and he's got a fedora on.

They're speaking Spanish.

And I think he was vaping.

There's another element.

There was a third element.

Suspenders or vaping or something.

There was a third Reddit, and Stop is like, this is just like a Mexican Reddit guy.

And he's just speaking Spanish, so the whole thing's like.

El Feminismo.

He was awesome, dude.

And the guy with him was just like in a

Mexico soccer t-shirt.

He was clearly just, I don't know, Mexico.

It was incredible.

Yeah, he got bullied out of Mexico.

That's why he came here.

He's because he made fun of so hard in Mexico, he had to come across the border.

I was just remembering the the other day, I saw,

I miss watching black teens harass people.

Oh, the best.

I was on

a bus when I was like 17, and there was these three black teenagers harassing this middle-aged black woman who was like kind of overweight, and they were just making fun of her feet.

And so they're like,

ah, bitch, your feet look like Trek 3.

Just a woman they just wasn't talking about.

Wasn't talking about.

Like, bitch, your feet look like Shrek 3.

Your toes look like fucking rotten grapes.

And she's sitting there and just like, you know, stoically looking ahead, trying to ignore them.

And there's like tears streaming down her face.

Like Denzel and Glory.

Oh, my goodness.

No.

And that was like a classic moment of bullying.

That is some fucking very good shit.

I heard this one lady bullying another lady on the streets yesterday.

She's like, where did you get that dress?

Century 22?

That doesn't even make any sense.

Well, it's not Century 21.

It's the knockoff.

22 is better.

It's from the future.

That's true.

Well, I like that Century 21 is like the place that's not forever 21.

It's close to forever, but it's a shorter amount of time.

A century sounds like a long time, but it's certainly not forever.

And that's the bit, folks.

That's pretty good.

Once you bring that one to me.

It's a free process.

You know what?

I think terrorists could never be potassium i think so too

should be i think so too uh yeah no we hit we hit 30 minutes so first half is a success and then yeah i gotta get more coffee we'll be back in a minute folks enjoy the tom myers bit i'm don shipley that phony navy seal the we guy and

geez have i've been getting beaten up with emails about some pictures some chief posed with Hillary Clinton at one of her rallies or some stuff.

Out of all the phony seals seals that I've ever busted,

I have never been wrong because I check, double check, and triple check, double check, double check, and triple check and triple check.

And I make it my business to know awards, uniforms, buds, databases, classified shit, claims, seal, buds, databases, classified shit, seal, claims, uniforms, all of it.

That some of you guys went nuts when I started getting off of YouTube and starting my own video website.

And the reason I did it, putting stolen valor on the map, new laws enacted that guys can't get away with this stuff.

Posed with Hillary Clinton at one of her rallies or some salary.

So it's an election year.

It's an election year.

You guys all excited about this election coming up?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Actually, yeah.

Me, me, I'm an Obama person, but me, I kind of, part of me kind of wants Hillary Clinton to take the Oval Office.

No, no, no, okay, okay, hear me out, hear me out.

What's the first thing Hillary Clinton's gonna do when she gets in office?

Get back,

get back, no,

get back at Bill for all the shit he pulled.

That's why I'm gonna apply to be an intern.

I quit smoking.

I quit smoking, though, so I don't know if that'll affect my shot, but

good

morning,

Vietnam.

I killed myself because I have Parkinson's.

Welcome back, everybody.

Wow, Robin Williams was in series, I suppose.

The ghost.

The characters, the characters app continues.

Characters will not stop coming today, guys.

Nobody stops coming, baby.

This is Comtown.

Comtown.

Sploosh, sploosh, sploosh.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Split, split.

Yeah,

I'd smoke so much weed.

My calm got THC, and I'll smoke my cum.

I'm so stone, man.

All right.

Guys, we got to talk about something for a second.

What's wrong, Nikki boy?

So,

I mean, I don't want to confront you guys or make it seem like it's your responsibility or anything.

What?

I mean, okay, well, a couple of times I've stepped out of the room.

Yeah.

And while I've been gone,

you've let other people on the show, which I'm fine with.

It's supposed to be an open room.

I get that.

There's always an open door.

Everyone knows that.

Well, there's one guy in particular.

Apparently, there's this Seth Dickfield guy

that comes on the show.

Yeah.

Which I have no problem with.

But

I found out that apparently

that's supposed to be like a cruel impression of this guy that blocked me on Facebook a while back.

He blocked me this morning.

Was he a friend of yours?

Well, no.

I mean,

he'll talk to me as if we're friends whenever he

has a complaint or something that he wants from me.

But for the most part, no, we're not friends.

And he's

a slimebag.

Oh, my gosh.

According to him.

And then, you know, it's kind of like an issue.

So we shouldn't really be addressing him on the show.

Now, I don't buy it.

I think he's like blowing this out of proportion.

I really don't see the similarities.

I mean,

they're both named Seth, sure.

They kind of have the same opinions.

But

this Seth has round glasses, and Seth Dickfield, from what I know, has square glasses.

Square glasses.

That's a key thing about the Seth Dickfield.

Yeah, you wouldn't fuck that up.

If you were going to do an impression of somebody, you'd at least get the glasses right.

Right, right, right.

Especially on a podcast.

Yeah, so I mean, guys, at most, maybe six or seven more times you can let him come on.

Any more than that, you know, I mean, I would say it's really upsetting this guy that is also named Seth.

Yeah, he's also named Seth.

I guess.

That's really,

If anyone named Adam is like

a fucking mean character, I'm going to get offended by that.

That's like bullshit.

We don't need to give in.

Look, you need to understand is that this other guy, Seth.

Did something happen?

Well, he has PTSD.

Oh, no.

Which, you know, I mean, he wasn't like a veteran or anything, but apparently, like, growing up, people would make fun of him sometimes, which, you know, nobody experiences that.

That's not a thing that anyone else has to deal with.

It's really just him.

So it gave him PTSD.

He's basically a post-traumatic side of the...

Wait, this guy coming on.

Post being teased by Seth Dickfield.

Post-traumatic Seth Dickfield.

It stands for Podcast Triggering Seth Dickfield.

It's a different type of PTSD.

Jeez.

We're upsetting a lot of people, I think.

Maybe.

The thing about this podcast is that, like, I don't know if people like this or not, but it's kind of been a platform for us to just make fun of people we know.

Not like necessarily even famous people or well-known people.

Maybe though, he's like, punching laterally, guys.

I don't believe in punching up or down.

Just

punch to the front and to the right.

That's what Ali did.

Yeah.

Ali.

That's why he's the greatest.

Yeah, was the greatest.

Seth actually said last week: if you're not hip to Muhammad Ali, it's not too late.

On Facebook?

Yeah, yeah.

Did you say that?

If you're not hip.

Whoa.

Is he in the room?

Well, maybe, how about this for a solution?

We just have him on and we'll hash it out.

Well, I asked him.

You know, he was blowing up my phone the other day, and he was like,

what did you say about me?

And I was like, I didn't say anything, dude.

You've never come up once.

Which is a, that voice sounded

very different to the Seth.

Yeah, he's like,

you know, I mean, I don't really know Seth Dickfield, but he's like, hey, everybody, how are you doing?

Which is the other Seth is like, here I am.

It's me, Seth.

Those are two different.

Night and day, yeah.

Yeah.

That's true.

You know, similar accents because they're from the same exact place and they're the same age.

So, you know, they would have had a similar, if not identical.

Do they know each other?

You know, weirdly enough, I don't think they're round glasses, square glasses.

We're in a room together to talk sometime in the future.

We should maybe see if we can't bring it up.

I asked him if he, you know, because he was like, what did you say about me?

And I said, I didn't say anything.

And I mean, I don't know this Seth Dickfield guy, so I can't answer for what another man says.

You know, I have integrity.

Absolutely.

And

I'm not going to put words in somebody else's mouth.

You know, that's messed up today.

It's totally fine.

To go around just like almost doing an impression.

A caricature of something.

Yeah, I wouldn't do something like that.

We know that.

And that's why we started a podcast together.

Yeah, because we're friends.

Because I care about my friends, and I appreciate my friends and the diversity of opinions that my friends may or may not have.

I agree 100%.

Regardless of whether they block me on Facebook because I made fun of one female Ghostbusters post

eight months ago.

What was the post?

It was, I don't know, he was writing.

He's like,

he's like,

oh, get a load of this.

I'm in a coffee shop the other day.

Of course he is.

He just sits in coffee shops working on projects that'll never fucking go anywhere.

It's a two-hour movie that's all puns.

I guarantee you that's what he was writing on this fucking wolves game.

I'm in a coffee shop the other day and I hear this guy, he's talking about,

he's on the phone with his pal and he like transcribes this guy's like, you know, 30-minute conversation.

For his Facebook.

For his Facebook about how, oh, and this is back

before he was a Bernie guy.

Oh, oh,

this guy's complaining because he's saying, oh, it's sexist if you complain about Hillary Clinton.

News for you, pal.

It probably is.

And, you know, that kind of shit.

And he's like, and then he doesn't even stop there.

He's going on to say it's like they have to have a female ghostbusters now.

It's like, why do girls have to have everything?

And then it closes the quotation.

And his line at the end is,

look out, ladies.

There's a new MRA sheriff in town.

Oh, God.

And when you say MRA Sheriff, the image that pops in my head, partially due to autism, probably, is you remember in Mario Party 2 where you can get like

this cowboy level?

No.

But it's the cowboy Wario.

That's what I think is.

The MRA Sheriff's.

It's pretty cowboy level.

That's got to be on the internet somewhere.

What?

A picture of Cowboy Wario?

Yeah, unfortunately, but when I'm watching this video,

video.

Half of your followers, AVIs, or whatever.

So I guess, yeah, I just want to just bring that up and let you guys know that

you know, maybe

prevent that guy from talking too much shit.

Well, open invitation to this other Seth.

Anytime you want to come on, you hash it out.

You don't really, you don't even have to unblock me on Facebook.

I was following you because you followed me, really.

Oh, he blocked you on Facebook.

Or on Twitter.

I haven't been blocked yet, but I'm sure after this podcast, probably.

Yeah.

Well, if you want to sneak into his mentions, the key is replying to anything Talib Quayley tweets because Seth will defend his opinions against anyone.

The dead trolls, Talib.

How dare you say that to Talib?

Talib Quali.

Real hip-hop, goddamn.

I love you, Talib.

But I love it.

You know what it's so fucked up is he doesn't understand how funny he is.

He's amazing.

He's one of the funniest people in the fucking world, and he just doesn't get why he's.

He's not on purpose, funny.

Yeah, no, it's ridiculous.

He is funny, though.

It's stand-up, right?

I wouldn't say that.

Okay, well, I don't know.

I saw him at Open Mic once.

He was very funny.

That's all I can say.

Yeah, you know, I mean, for somebody who's been in comedy 16 years, he's funny.

Nick, you're not helping him.

He's very funny, and we'd love to talk with him because he's so funny, and we want him to defend himself.

You're pandering too much, dude yeah okay sorry it's it's a delicate line you oh you almost have to nag him into it

you know you got to treat him like a woman

but you're sure the way to treat women

i think we're all in agreement there absolutely uh so and i guess uh from the brandon wardell corner who isn't a character that's just uh brandon's our friend who's big been the most remarkably successful out of

and that's you know why is because brandon's a fucking retard.

And no offense to real retards.

You know, I know there's like issues with the word, but, you know, Brandon's a fucking idiot, but he acknowledges that.

Like any fucking comedian.

Like, I know I'm an idiot, and I say and do dumb shit all the time.

And you have to have a sense of humor about it.

Otherwise, like, why are you even doing this?

Right.

And that's why Brandon's successful.

Score chicks.

It's because all of his content is fucking dog shit.

His whole like Snapchat.

He's going to be a Snapchat fucking guy.

That's his thing.

No, don't don't say that.

I mean, he's funny.

He's funny.

He's funny, but he's also like self-aware to an extent.

Like, I'll say, oh, yeah, yeah.

He's doing like a crackhead teenager character.

Yeah.

Come on.

But

he did try to troll me on Instagram.

Because I think, well, he told me that he thought it was funny when I did the...

Hey, guys,

Drake had a Pokemon.

And

Big Sean came in, and he don't have sex.

I like that you make him Asian.

I make him an Asian baby.

Well, that's kind of what he is.

Well, yeah, he is.

He's half Asian.

He's half Asian, half Air Force.

He wrote on

my last Instagram post,

your light count is embarrassing.

It's wild.

Which isn't even.

He's getting cyberbullied by Brando Wardell.

I really wanted to respond.

I stole this picture from black Twitter.

Speaking of stealing shit from Black Twitter, did you see the Good Morning America thing?

No.

Oh, it was awesome.

Oh, God.

So, yeah, Good Morning America.

I mean, I feel so dumb doing topical.

Why?

Just do it.

Well, because it's, you know what this is going to be?

I'm going to describe it, and then I'm going to go, isn't that fucking stupid?

And then we're going to go, yeah, that was stupid.

Well, we're here, baby.

Yeah.

No, Good Morning America tweeted something like, which meme is the most meme fucking something?

I don't know.

Right, right, right.

And then they included

Bad Boy.

And it was like, is Crying LeBron the next big meme?

Yeah, that was it.

Is Crying LeBron?

The next big meme.

Watch.

But listen, you know what?

Well, then

is that the next Crying Jordan?

Lizard T.

Hashtag Lizard Teacher.

Is it Carti Lizard?

Is the Kermit the Frog thing?

Yeah, yeah.

And then

Smockin', that mask thing, which I don't even know what that is.

I haven't seen that one before.

And then some other fucking thing.

I don't know.

And then somebody wrote

somebody wrote,

oh, fuck, was it?

Good Morning America

or races or something about stealing the comedic excellence of black Twitter by not acknowledging the black Twitter roots of a picture of Kermit the Frog.

I mean,

come on.

Like, that's if, like, that's.

Well, they invented rock and roll, and they invented Kermit sipping a Lipton's tea.

That's none of my business, though, you guys.

If that's what cultural appropriation is at this point, then...

I think it is.

It's just stealing a picture.

Is Good Morning America tweeting a meme that Black Twitter invented?

Also, did Good Morning America wreck?

Like, they got the memes wrong, right?

No, they got them right.

It's actually more, you know, it's cool that they said T-Lizard.

Tea Lizard is Sobey.

Do you remember that brand?

It was like a Lizard TMT.

I used to drink their energy drink.

Hell yeah, dude.

I used to get crates.

Not me, but from Safeway they had or like Shopper's Food Warehouse.

They had like the wholesale size of the Sobey adrenaline.

So be adrenaline.

Yeah, yeah.

What a fucking loser.

Yeah.

What a lizard, man.

Yeah.

I love soda.

I want to go back to being a soda guy.

I've been like really into did I mention it last time the Kmart graphics tease?

I don't know.

Yeah.

You are wearing a Bob Marley shirt.

I am.

Shirt.

Bob Marley shirt.

Yeah, you called, you said I dressed like an idiot earlier.

You've been dressing solely in Kmart graphics tees for the next last three weeks.

That's the fucking move, dude.

I want to find one of these Bushwick Norm Core parties where it's like, actually, it'd be just normal.

That's like the cool thing.

And then you show up wearing

like a suicide squad Joker fitted tee or fitted hat.

Like the newest Joker memorabilia there is.

The Jared Leto.

Just a picture of Jared Leto.

Yeah, Joker fitted hat.

And see if you can get them to kick you out of the party for wearing Kmart clothes.

Like, you're not cool in the right way.

Who has normcore parties, though?

I don't know.

I might have just made it up.

I don't think that's the thing.

No, Adam's definitely, you have definitely gone to a party where everyone dresses that way.

No way.

100%.

Probably the one you were at yesterday.

What were you telling me about?

Oh, yeah.

I went to this party and this girl was there and I didn't know who she was and it ended up being

Lenny Kravitz's daughter.

Jenny Kravitz?

Jenny Kravitz.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No,

Zoe Kravitz.

You're telling me you haven't gone to a party where everyone's wearing just like white tees and like

ugly jeans?

No, that's Baltimore, dude.

Nah, dude.

But I'm like the 50s.

Baltimore, everyone.

Okay, I don't want to piss people off.

Let's do it.

Everyone smells like trash in Baltimore.

Oh, dude, I think that's true.

And dresses like poor people from the 90s.

Dude, how fucking that?

That's the norm core aesthetic.

That is true.

That is bizarre how that's a thing.

Where they were like...

1998, this is perfect.

But you're talking about art school kids in Baltimore.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, like Micah kids.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's true.

I mean, all those people are mad cool, too, but that's the, that's the

cool, guys.

Here's what I want to talk about.

What are you, who are you backpedaling for?

Yeah, go ahead, Nick.

Who's excited for the

new Independence Day?

Oh, I am.

Did they get Will Smith?

They didn't.

They got...

Is that the dude Will Smith's son?

Yeah, he's playing Will Smith.

It's not Jaden, but it's a guy playing Will Smith's son.

Will Smith actually picked Suicide Squad over Independence Day 2?

What a fucking idiot.

What an idiot.

Are you offended?

Yeah, I mean, I don't think Suicide Squad is going to be good.

I'm excited for Independence Day 2.

You're excited for it?

I'll see it, but I'm not excited for it.

Well, the first one was so good.

That's like the first time I've been earnestly excited about a sequel or a remake in a while.

You think it'll be good?

Yeah, of course it will.

I think it'll be fun.

It'll be fucking shit exploding and shit like that.

Yeah, that's what I mean.

The guy that plays Will Smith's son, though, sucks so hard.

Who is on the commercial?

It's just like,

today, Earth, he just gives, he's just like trying to be like

fucking, he's trying to give a big speech and it sucks.

Like the Bill Pullman one.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Today is our Independence Day.

And then the president just, like, they let him fly.

Well, that's the thing, is that he's sick at flying.

Yeah.

He's a fucking fan.

What if that was his, like, that's what his campaign was?

It's like, I don't know shit about anything, but I'm the best at fucking flying.

And then people voted for him.

That's it.

I mean, Dwight Eisenhower didn't know.

He was a fucking.

He was a four-star general, dude.

Dude, that's a hero.

That shit's easy.

I could do that shit.

No, you couldn't.

Easy, dude.

Okay, well, that went nowhere.

What else?

I think he looks gay.

You think it looks gay?

God, I mean, yeah.

On a scale of one to ten gays.

We should have a movie review segment.

We're like, that's the Gayometer.

I mean, that's essentially what Rotten Tomatoes is.

Yeah.

Yeah, exactly.

Well, no, it's because create a widget, fresh,

which changes fresh to gay.

Yeah, no, Hank, the guy that, Hank Tomato, the guy that opened Rotten Tomatoes.

Tomatoes.

Well, yeah, he was like a guy that fucks tomatoes.

Ah.

So it was like how he ranked movies.

The better he liked a movie, the more tomatoes he fucked after.

So if it was 100.

If he fucked 100 tomatoes, it was a really good movie.

Yeah, no, that makes sense.

We should have...

I was actually looking at

a review of The Sand Lot, a Roger Ebert review of The Sand Lot.

He said he trashed it?

No, I mean, it doesn't have particularly good ratings.

But

Roger Ebert said he's like, you're just so enveloped in the movie that at one point a line drives hit over

the first baseman, and I found myself ducking in the theater and reaching up with my mid, but I didn't have have a mid on.

It's like, no, you didn't.

Yeah.

Absolutely did not have a mid.

That's a lie.

You're like, completely lying.

And if you did, then you need an MRI.

You need like a fucking, you need to get your brain.

It was like a 3D ride at Disneyland.

Boom!

He's a movie reviewer.

He watches movies professionally.

All day long.

If anyone is numb to that kind of shit, it's him.

Who the fuck is he kidding?

I thought the baseball was coming out in a movie screen.

I'm glad he's dead.

Yeah, me too, honestly.

Did you see that first interview he did when

they removed the second half of Joe's face, the bottom of his face?

Oh, geez.

He was just using the

Stephen Hawking machine.

Well, he was using the Mac Talk app.

Yeah, yeah.

Like, hello, it's me, Roger Ebert.

I feel great, or whatever.

And that video is great because you could just make him say whatever you wanted.

Oh, yeah.

Macintosh.

Oh, wow.

Yeah.

Have you done that?

I did.

I made a couple of them when I was like 20.

Let's make some more.

Yeah, we should do that.

Make some Cometown Originals.

Come Town Originals of Roger.

How did he die?

Did his cancer come back?

The cancer, yeah.

Didn't he get like a jaw check?

That documentary was really beautiful.

Yeah, and then it rejected.

Yeah, somebody rejected it or something.

He had a jaw again.

There's like a day where he thought he was going to be okay.

His wife's name is Chaz.

That's pretty cool.

Is it Chaz Bono?

Yeah, it is.

It's a sassy black lady named Chaz.

She's sassy.

That's you know who has a bonus.

I love the pictures on like vacation of Chaz's kids and like just this fat white guy.

They're such a happy family.

It's like all these black people and just this like portly white, like smiling family reunion, the six flags and custom t-shirts made.

The Koopa Iba family reunion.

They all have the shirts.

Two thumbs up.

I think he was a drunk.

You know who has a black wife?

Is George Lucas,

which is hilarious.

You know, his wife played Jar Charbank.

Well, that's what I'm saying.

I'm just like.

Wasn't there a conversation in that household at some point where she's like, George, what the fuck is this?

No, it's chill because she's like, I told you not to read my scripts.

She sanctioned it.

George, you crazy.

This Jamaican crazy.

He was a platypus Jamaican.

Yeah.

Well, I mean, if you think about it, that's the only like racist against blacks character in Star Wars because pretty much every other, the majority of them are Asian people.

Yeah.

He found a way to, like, every single.

The glasses lady in the last one was.

They had to get, that's a tribute to George Lucas.

That's the only hat tip to George Lucas.

He's a glasses lady.

He's like, one day your destiny is going to be real big.

You're going to have real good time destiny.

You are, you like Ruke Skyrocker.

It's like, and there's like a shooting star in the background.

He's like, this is for you, George.

AJ Ames points outside the stadium.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, real big.

You get your own lightsaber.

You go down basement, fire lightsaber.

You be a real hero, just like Ruth Skywalker.

Oh, fuck yeah.

Yeah, no, the best one, though, the most racist of all the Star Wars, like, uh,

you know, background characters has to be Han Solo's co-pilot in Return of the Jedi.

Han Solo or uh, yeah, Lando.

Lando's.

Yeah, yeah.

He just looks looks

like a fat Korean.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, and then all he says is like, oh, okay, okay.

He hates Asian people.

I think we might be on to something here.

Yeah, well, more so, because that's how really you can't just say somebody's racist, right?

Because nobody has time to, you know, just say, like, oh, this guy hates.

Then he has that defense of like, oh, I hate everybody equally, right?

You know, you can just say he's a,

what's the word?

Misanthrope.

But

he clearly hates Asians the most, so that's the one you should focus on.

Yeah, was he beefing with an Asian actress?

Who was that sexy Chinese lady who was in?

Lucy Liu.

No.

Sandra O?

That's to both of them.

So it's Bai.

His name is Bai Lean or some shit like that.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

From Crushing Tiger?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I was feuding with her.

Like, with the wife?

She got cut out of the movie or some shit like that.

Oh, really?

Yeah, she was in.

She was in it.

She was like hunting fucking, I don't fucking know, Boba or some shit.

I don't know, dude.

I was beating off to her once, and that came up in a search.

Yeah, I was like, Did you see what they made that Ghost in the Shell movie?

And like, Scarlett Johansson, they cast Scarlett Johansson, and all these idiots on Twitter are like, um, here's who you could have cast instead that's actually Asian.

Ba Bing Lao, uh, Lin Zhao, Shunja.

And it's like, I don't know who the fuck any of these people are.

It's like, I know who Scarlett Johansson is.

We've got to go see this stupid fucking anime movie if she's in it.

I don't know who, oh, Ching Chang Sally.

Ching Chang Sally.

Yeah, she was on a TV show in Korea in 1992, so she should be the star of this blockbuster movie.

Yeah, that one's going to get me in trouble.

Yeah, we should just send that directly to your girl, Sadie.

Yeah, Sadie should find out about that.

You need to apologize to Sadie about being racist to Asian people.

Well, you know, I feel like Sadie could come around.

You know, she's with Doyle's Irish.

She's got

the evil in her.

her, you know.

She has the potential to be as racist as any of the rest of the reason.

They came over on those boats and they saw those signs that said they need not apply.

Yeah, and it made me thought they thought that meant to life,

remember, and so they just all became scumbag pieces of shit.

But actually, there's that other woman, Feminista Jones.

That was fucking hilarious.

Somebody started searching her old tweets, and like 2012, she's like, fuck a Chinese people.

Yeah, Asians can't drive.

She just straight up said, Chinese people can't drive.

Asians can't drive.

Which is like, not even.

She is like a Hillary person.

Yeah,

I don't know.

I woke up.

Yeah, she's like a woke account, though.

I don't.

This is such a weird group of people that Twitter has uncovered.

Well, so, yeah, so she had all the middle, the militant middle people.

Well, hold on.

So she goes, she had a tweet on there that was like,

I love when you come out of a bathroom and you could tell the bitch that was in there before her pussy stank like a Holocaust shower, which is like, that's like my level.

Yeah.

That's the kind of shit that I tweet.

I'm like, that's exactly online.

And so I kind of had this moment with her where it's like, I don't want to shame her for these old tweets.

I just want her to be like, come back.

Let this be your come to Jesus moment.

Just give up all this shit.

Just be a monster on this.

Just fucking do it.

You like it.

It makes you happy.

It probably makes you happy.

You don't need to be a fucking good person.

You need to enjoy your life and take care of your children.

Let's reach out to her.

Let's get her on.

I tried to.

She blocked me.

I added her to one of my irony DMs.

Isn't this like digging up?

Isn't one of these like digging.

Like this whole thing about digging up old tweets from accounts is like the same thing that we criticize.

This happens to like SNL people, right?

Yeah, but

just do it to woke.

SNL people aren't fucking sanctimonious pieces of it.

That's true.

I support doing it to the woke.

Yeah, if you're online constantly talking about like, you know, fucking going through and criticizing like word choices that people you presumably agree with, like her tweets on that day were all about some Asian guy that wasn't a good enough ally.

I said something about how like Asian men's like allyship should be, you know, you should side eye, clap back, fucking Kermit the Frog at it or, you know, whatever because,

you know, it erases her voice.

And then, you know, then immediately people were finding those Asian tweets, and she's like, whoops.

Whoopsie daisy.

She's like, I'm glad I've grown a lot.

Yeah, but those are the people retweeting the stories about when a comedian gets fucking

hired, and you know, which is fucking ridiculous.

We'll stay out of that shit.

Yeah.

No, they did it to Rudnitsky or whatever, who bumped me at the stand last night and crushed.

Really?

Yeah.

How's his stand-up?

He's good.

I want to hate him.

I want him to not be able to do it.

Did he dance?

Yeah.

He's like 23 or something shit.

That's the thing he did on SNL is amazing.

I didn't see the dancing.

Yeah, it's really good.

It's clearly what he auditioned with.

Yeah.

It was pretty incredible.

Is it just dancing?

No, he just does the entire plot of dirty dancing

in a dance.

And he's just a.

Well, how hard is that?

It's a dancing movie.

He's an electric performer.

Yeah.

Yeah, he's not a bad stand-up.

You thought it was bad?

It was fine.

I don't know.

I thought it was like...

Yeah.

I prefer Joe Daniel.

That's the thing, is like they always bring the new guys on who aren't getting enough time to just do their stand-up during weekend update.

Right, right, right.

So, like, that's they did one of those things with him.

Yeah, yeah.

You know what, guys?

We should make our own SNL with all our crazy characters that we've been coming up with.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, like Doctor Evil and Crew and Woke Master

and Seth Dickfield and

I think we'll see if we could do like a web series.

That might be fun.

That would be funny.

You know, that makes me funny, baby.

I'll see you.

Matt Lois from Family Guy, baby.

That would be good to see.

You know what?

What is funny to me is because like

I mean, I'm not a free speech guy per se, but I do like copyright infringement a lot.

Oh, it's the best.

I think you should be able to just fucking steal shit from competition.

You should do that.

For sure.

You can't own ideas, people.

My angle is it's not funny unless you get sued.

Nice, dude.

I know that once Come Town gets to a certain point, we're going to be getting like a briefcase offer, and they're going to be like, the only thing that's going to try and buy it.

The only thing that needs to happen

is you need to change your name, And Nick is going to be like, guys, let's walk away.

First of all, no one needs to be able to do that.

Oh, yeah, we're not changing the name.

First of all, no one is going to fucking give us like $100,000.

It's going to be in a briefcase, yeah.

I'll do it.

We want to make it happen.

We want to make this.

I'll get it.

I'll get $100,000 for this podcast.

NBC.

Oh, you won't, bitch.

Yeah, I will.

MTV.

You know what I'm saying?

MBC-M Town.

I don't know if it's smart to shit on like a fucking MTV show.

Don't do it.

All right.

Well,

do you want to work for them?

No, not really.

It's not going to happen.

They're garbage.

I was talking with somebody the other night, and

we were making fun of.

You know, we've made fun of.

We've made fun of MTV shows in the past.

Sure.

And somebody told me they were auditioning.

I'm not going to fuck this up.

I'm not going to.

What?

Well, I'll tell you afterwards.

I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have even.

Oh, well, you just grabbed the podcast.

I did.

Let's end it on that note.

Let's tweet at Nick.

What was that?

You want to just cut that out?

No, I'm leaving it in.

He doesn't.

Do you refuse to ever edit any of these ever?

No, I don't.

I just learned what compression is the other day.

You can edit fairly easily, I feel like.

I could, but whatever.

We can just drop it.

We can move on to something else.

I like that.

I wanted to mention this.

Here's a good.

You throw this in the bit tank for the open mic.

Let's do it.

So the money in the briefcase thing.

Nobody has briefcases anymore.

No.

But they still do the briefcase thing in movies.

Yeah, yeah.

So if somebody's buying drugs.

If I saw somebody with a briefcase today,

I would pull them over.

Did you see that truck that got pulled over in the Holland Tunnel today?

No.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

With With all the guns, but then they showed the truck, and it's like this fucking like Ram van with wrap-around decals and a fucking like surge green cooler in the front on like a bracket.

They were like strapped up, and they were like, we had to rescue our friend who's addicted to heroin.

That's what they said.

And they had just like an arsenal of weapons in the

truck.

Yeah, the truck looks like a

mid-90s Mountain Dew promotional.

That's awesome.

It's got all this like, you know, like urban tactical gear or whatever, decals on the side, like a Tonka decal.

Oh, hell yeah.

And yeah, there's like a fucking beer cooler attached to the front of

a neon green beer cooler attached to the front of the truck.

It's basically a monster truck.

Damn, I wonder what they were for real about to get into.

Hopefully, about to kill somebody over Mountain Dew.

That would be like the raid the surge.

You know what I love with each new mass shooting?

It's always like a new, like,

kind of, it's always a different type of guy now.

Yeah, yeah.

So they'll be like, oh, yeah.

of course it was a gay Muslim.

Yeah, closeted gay guy.

Fuck, I don't even know who to be mad at with this one.

He used to be easy, just crazy white guy.

Well, until what's his name?

The DC Cyber.

No, I was, I almost said Jeremy Lynn.

What's the fucking Arthur are not Arthur Joe?

Virginia Tech.

I appreciate that joke.

What's his name?

Cho.

Sun, Sun, Moon, Joe.

I don't know.

I don't know.

Whoever he is, he should star in the new ghosts in the show.

That should be the fucking name.

He did it.

And there it is.

That's the callback.

Folks, thanks for watching.

Should that be the podcast?

Whatever.

We did it.

That's an hour.

You guys were fun.

Yeah.

You guys got anything you want to plug?

No?

Great.

See you later.

Nothing.

Instagram, bitch.

What do you think, Phoenix, for the kids on the floor?

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