Ep. 6 – Not Soon Enough

Travel insurance sounds boring.

Until you need it, Insure My Trip makes it easy.

Compare top-rated plans, get expert help, and travel with confidence.

Whether it's a last-minute trip or a bucket-listed venture, we've got your back with unbiased guidance and smart tech.

No pressure, just peace of mind.

And if you're not sure what you need, our licensed agents are here to help.

No bots, just real humans.

Be prepared, not paranoid.

Visit insuremytrip.com and travel like a pro.

InsuremyTrip.com.

At Womblebond Dickinson, we're thrilled to announce our combination with Lewis Roka, uniting two firms to bring you a world of opportunity.

Spanning 37 offices and with over 1,300 top attorneys across the US and UK, we are equipped to handle your full range of legal needs here at home and across the globe.

From safeguarding innovations to resolving disputes, we deliver powerful solutions with the trusted, personal touch you deserve.

Wherever you're heading, we're better together.

Visit WumbleBondDickinson.com today.

Hello, everybody.

Come town six.

I think this is six.

69.

Bienvenidos de

come

what's villa villa?

De cum villa.

We were gonna start this one in Spanish.

Por todos los listeners in in Mexico.

Mexico.

But I don't know enough Spanish.

This is

I'm sick.

I've got

I've got a bad disease.

Oh, shit.

Thanks.

But we're doing an emergency special session of the podcast in remembrance of the tragedy that happened today.

Well, I guess it was last week already, but R.I.P.

Harambe, guys.

I'm sick of it.

It's the greatest tragedy, the greatest loss that we faced in the last week.

I keep having to find more and more stories about Harambe.

And they get, you know, all these damn shootings and celebrity deaths are taken away from my Harambe.

Today's terrorist attack is so disrespectful.

You know, we're not even going to talk about it.

We're not even going to, I don't even want to bring it up.

That's fair.

We should address, though, this came up.

We got some negative comments on Twitter from people.

For what?

What?

Apparently, you know,

they know it's ironic, but we say the R-word a little bit too much.

Well, no, but that's a deliberate political choice.

Yeah.

It's called satire.

when i we're satirical is all when i say retard i don't mean actual retarded people i mean fictional retarded people that i've made up to laugh at in my head right but who are really silly and goofy and are doing funny stuff yeah you know but they're not real it's like a fit like home star runner like remember how everyone thought homestar runner wasn't mean spirited because it was a cartoon with down syndrome

rather than it being a fucking actual boy with down syndrome that's what made it okay guys That's what satire is.

And it's also like, you know, I mean, this is one of the most intelligent podcasts you could listen to.

Absolutely fucking lootly.

I, yeah, it's got a lot there to the intelligence.

And it hurts me because, you know, there's a lot of young kids that listen to this.

And this is actually, you know what?

I have

a letter.

Yeah, get the letter.

Hold on.

I think I got it.

I have a letter.

I got it.

Who wrote this?

I got a letter.

This is from one of our fans.

Hi, Comtown.

My name's Dylan.

I'm five years old.

I'm gay, and I just learned how to jack off.

And I wanted to thank you guys for, you know, teaching me how to live my life as

a trans five-year-old.

Wow.

And, you know, that warms my heart, guys.

You know that these fucking kids are out there.

And we're touching them.

We're touching these children.

We're touching these children.

And by the end.

By the end of this project, we're going to touch basically every single ch child in America.

Every child, every race of child, every type, size, and race.

Give me the Ashley Graham child.

Let me touch the biggest bitch five-year-old you can find.

And I'm going to touch her, her mind.

Because I respect children and I respect our listeners.

And to say that we're problematic is

bullshit.

And basically, you're a faggot if you're saying that.

Yeah, this is a smart show like the...

You're a big gay fag for sure if you're saying that.

This is a smart show like

the Stephen Colbert Colbert report.

This is like basically.

We're playing characters.

We're playing characters right now.

But we just broke it.

Fuck.

All right.

Well, in real life, they don't even know what we are in real life.

That's so true.

They call that the fourth wall.

Yeah.

I think.

I'm a French literature professor at Columbia.

That's right.

I'm that guy that got exonerated for rape at Columbia.

The mattress guy?

The Swede.

Wasn't he Swedish?

What if he was...

The mattress guy?

What if he was one of the bicycle guys from the Brock Turner case?

He went on to

save another girl.

Yeah.

You know what?

The rest of his life, still a sex offender.

Right.

Well, it's like, you know, the villain becomes the hero of the free story.

Although, did he get in trouble?

He didn't get in trouble?

No, he didn't get in trouble.

Brock got in trouble.

Free Brock.

Brock got caught.

Yeah, free Brock.

You know what's so funny?

This is a messed up question, but he said in his letter, like,

oh, yeah, no, I can't go to the Olympics.

Like, was Brock good enough at swimming to go to the Olympics?

Has anyone looked that up?

There's no way he was good enough.

Yeah, I know.

Well, he was, they said he was an all-American swimmer, which that just means white, right?

Like all-American.

That means white guy, in my mind.

Absolutely.

I don't know what actually qualifies you to be all-American.

You would know.

All-American?

Yeah.

You get enough stars.

He had enough stars in swimming.

You earn stars and stripes in sports.

From like doing chores.

The smaller your fucking swimming underwear is.

That's why I like it.

Having the tidiest locker.

Yeah.

I love how swimmers are like, yeah, I shave all my body hair to be faster or whatever.

It's like, yeah, an autistic person person told you that.

There's no way that actually has any real effect.

Also, Brock's dad has spent so much time around little kids in bikinis his whole life.

Like,

what a piece of shit, Brock's dad.

I'm like, that is listen to you.

That is the worst part about Brock's dad.

Well, I don't know, man.

It was kind of dumb that everyone was criticizing that letter as if his dad was supposed to be like, yeah, fuck him up.

Fuck him up.

I hate my son.

He's the person who raised the rapist.

He's going to be like a fucking

font of knowledge.

His dad did have a tweet that was like, Brock is going to be enjoying a different kind of footlong

in jail.

I actually, I did that tweet.

You did?

Yeah, I did.

I did one today for the, I was like, the, the, uh, you know, the bright side of this whole shooting thing is that you know, all the victims are up in heaven, enjoying a different kind of footlong.

All right.

Oh, my God.

Hell, my son.

You're going to hell.

You're going to hell.

If I go to to hell, will I be enjoying a different kind of pullback?

Oh.

Oh, shit.

Sorry, those are my keys.

Oh, that's too good.

It's the new black box.

It's the new The Plane Should Be Made Out of the Black Box.

The Black Box is Twitter.

Yeah, it's a great joke.

I really don't think there's been enough time with Brock Turner yet.

That guy should have postponed that shooting until, I guess he had to do it during Pride Week, aka Gay Ramadan.

So it has the most effect.

Absolutely.

That's what they should do.

To get back at him, they should change the name of Pride Week to Gay Ramadan.

Gay Ramadan.

Just fucking pictures of Muhammad sucking other Muhammads off.

Yeah.

But

we didn't get enough time with that Brock story.

I think it's still...

Yeah, you're right.

It's probably gone now.

No, it's gone.

Yeah, now it's going to be this shooting thing.

And I don't know if you saw this.

About an hour ago, they arrested some white guy with a gun in his car outside the Pride Parade in L.A.

What?

Yeah.

Oh, and I read the article.

I told Adam already.

I read the article and

there was a line in the article where they're like talking that, you know, it's like buried in there where they're talking about, you know, like a representative from the Anaheim Police Department stated that they take Disneyland very seriously.

Just be that cop.

And it's like, yeah, Mickey's real.

It's fucking real and we protect him.

Goofy's real.

Mickey and Goofy are real.

I'm friends with them and I keep them safe.

And I take it seriously.

I take them very fucking seriously.

There's nothing, I mean, I know his name is Goofy, but there's nothing.

There's nothing funny.

There's nothing goofy about Goofy as a dog.

He's a businessman.

I respect him.

I respect his choices as a father.

The way he raises Max,

frankly, I wouldn't let him listen to some of that music that he enjoys.

He probably shouldn't be hanging out with Pauly Shore either.

Yeah, that movie sucked.

Goofy movie?

Yeah.

I have nothing but PowerPoo movie.

Are you

for real right now?

I remember not liking it.

Powerline, like Max's favorite star, was so cool.

That song was so cool.

You know what I think it was?

I think I was embarrassed of my own father, and it struck a nerve with me as a kid, and I just

couldn't do it.

There were too many similarities.

I love that movie too, because it's just like everyone's a goofy.

Yeah.

Like, there's no other, there's no fucking mice.

There's no, like,

what universe is this?

What is this goofy

different planet?

They're all dogs.

They're human-like dogs.

they have human bodies yeah but where did fucking donald fucking duck go well isn't is pete supposed to be a cat the neighbor pete the pete the cat's just a big dog was he a dog i thought he was a fat cat

we need to watch we need to re-watch this yeah yeah yeah well they all go back to what is it steamboat willie they're the original mickey cartoon yeah it's mickey mouse and then his boss is an animation

so it's mickey's boss interesting yeah why isn't mickey in the the that's what i'm fucking saying There's no way to do it.

Right, they don't live in the same town.

He lives in an all-goofy person.

So it's segregated.

This is my species.

In the Disney world, there is segregation.

It is.

Well, Walt Disney was an avowed racist.

Everyone knows that.

Well, actually.

Anti-Semite.

You remember the show Doug?

I don't know if I brought this up on the podcast.

So, you know how, like, in Doug, like, Skeeter's Green and Frankie.

Rogers?

Initially, they wanted the show to be like, let's make it multiracial.

Let's have, like, his best friends Hispanic and, like, there's a black kid and like Nickelodeon or whatever back in 87 whenever that show was being pitched.

They were like,

just make him purple and stuff.

They were like, I think actually making them a different race might be too much.

So let's just make him something that nobody can relate to.

Disgusting greenskin.

Give him jaundice instead of making him his fan.

I don't want them to be their race to be booger because that's more pleasant than actual black guy, I think.

I got to do, speaking of trial, I got to do jury duty tomorrow.

Oh, fuck you.

You have jury duty like once a month.

Didn't you just have to do that?

That's what happens, man.

If you're a full-blooded white guy,

they want you up there.

Yeah.

They know you're just

my family came over on the Mayflower, dude.

You're a good judge of character.

Yeah.

No, I had to postpone it last time.

I had shit to do.

And then I postponed it until this one.

And I can't.

And that's where I saw there was a guy in line.

With the PlayStation.

What happened?

There was a guy.

There was some old black guy in line at jury duty last time that was just carrying a PS4.

No, I like to believe that it was the box from PS4 he was using as a brief.

That's what it was.

That's even funnier.

You know what?

It's not funnier because it's so sad.

He's like the guy from the Pursuit of Happiness except the child dialogue.

He's trying to get that child back.

It's Pursuit of Happiness 2.

I got PlayStation.

Yo, it was a briefcase, though.

He wasn't playing PS4 for Jury Dutch.

It was the PlayStation 4 box that has a handle on it and he was using that as a briefcase oh my gosh can you imagine babe whatever whatever like court case that is to have to be the other side of that when you're like actually

he should go to jail

and have to fucking lock that guy up

what if he was a lawyer what if he was like the public defender

he's a lawyer for that the that retarded guy that accosted you outside of the yankees game

oh that was so good dude I got knew the whole season.

What do you get to hear of the Yankees?

He talked like Daffy Duck.

2016 season.

We went to a Yankees game, and I was wearing an Orioles,

Orioles shirt, you know, just to be a dickhead.

And some guy came out and fucked immediately.

At the end of the game, some guy just comes up to me.

He's like, what are you doing here?

The Orioles are at home against the Tectith Rangers right now.

And I was like, what?

He's like, the Orioles, they're not here until July 30th.

Whatever the fuck.

He had like the exact

day down, and he just had like a nice fat, he was a fro, he knows the whole mustache, he knew the whole schedule.

And he talked, yeah, he was just like an adult, autistic man who loved the Yankees so much, and he accosted me about it.

Had the funniest voice I've ever heard in my life, probably.

Well, he also had, he also had that like black eye mustache that you don't see them have very much anymore, where it's just like a solid black

thick black

like this.

Trebek has one like that.

What's that?

Alex Trebek's got one of those.

Steve Harvey had one.

Steven.

Where they just have like a cigar on their face.

Yeah.

Like this big fucking fat.

I wish I could grow a mustache like that.

I can't.

I can't grow a market.

Oh, I can't grow a mustache at all.

I can't grow it in the middle.

Let me tell you guys something.

That news story that we didn't get enough time with, I'd like to go back to.

Please.

The Gary Condit Chandra Levy.

Oh, yeah.

9-11 really ruined that shit.

Everyone's talking about that.

That happened in September of 2001.

It happened early September.

2001.

So we were all talking about it.

90.

Why isn't why is OJ shit so big this year?

Why is like 90s?

Are we going to go through all 90s news stories?

Are we bored with our own news stories?

No, they're doing that because if you look on Netflix now,

there's been a resurgence of like shitty, well, not shitty, but like 90s, I guess, summer thrillers and blockbusters.

They're all like, I watched, I watched, what was it, Fatal Attraction the other night, which might be the funniest movie I've ever seen in my entire life.

Glenn Close looks like absolute dog shit in that movie.

That's the woman.

I haven't seen it.

She looks, yeah.

She's the one he leaves, like, his wife.

What is it?

What's the plot of the movie?

Yeah, so he has a hot wife.

I forget who the wife is played by, but she's like this hot, like, fucking some European actress or something.

I don't know.

I wasn't paying attention, but she was hot.

And then he meets Glenn Close,

who looks like a fucking like hair metal meth.

That looks like a really

trance.

That's what she does.

Yeah, that's what she does.

When the surgery was very new,

you know, she retains most of her masculine features, sort of like a

fucking job.

She took one hormone.

Not hormones.

She had one single hormone.

She's buried.

Yeah, yeah.

She sucked on a ball for like 30 minutes.

And then she's like, I'm finished.

They finished me, love.

And Michael Douglas can just not.

Yeah, he can't stop.

He's like, his wife goes out of town for like 45 minutes, and he's like, I have to fuck you.

And he fucks it.

And then Glenn Close is already not an attractive woman.

Sure.

And in this movie, she's like really particularly fucking bad.

Like, have you ever been to, have you ever seen, like, the white trash in Florida?

Oh, yeah.

Like, that's the look.

I said the other day, she looks like when Uncle Fester gets electrocuted in the bathtub.

Her, like, eyes are all sunken in her head, and she's, like, very white.

Well, that's the thing.

What about that piece?

I think that was like an 80s style, but there was like the raccoon around the

shape.

She had raccoon eyes, and then her hairline starts in the middle of her head, like fucking Elizabeth One.

And she's got this shitty, like frizzy mop of blonde hair.

And Michael Douglas just cannot stop fucking her.

And she's like cutting herself and threatening to ruin his life.

And he's like, I just need more.

I think it was a euphemism for like bad cocaine or something.

Or the crack epidemic or something in the 80s.

That might be what it is.

It might be smart.

Me.

I did.

That's why.

It's a satire.

It's Paul Verhoeven.

That's what he did it.

But,

yeah, and Michael Douglas was in a bunch of these movies where he just has

weird bad sex with women.

Like this weird middle-aged sex where it's like, you're not.

I've watched the other one,

which actually is Verhoeven, I think.

Basic Instinct.

Yes.

Yeah.

Okay.

Oh, I keep, I get those two comments.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And he goes.

Wait, oh, you said that you saw Fatal Attraction.

I confuse those two movies also.

No, because Sharon Stone's hot, dude.

Yeah, she shows her pussy.

Yeah, you see your pussy in that movie.

I fucked her before.

But then Michael Douglas fucking in those movies is like, it's always the woman being like, I don't want you to make love to me.

I want you to fuck me.

And then he's like always about to bite them.

He's always like making it.

He's just like sucking air through his teeth.

like he's about to fucking bite them.

And then whenever he sticks his dick in, they both have this like pained expression.

Like have you ever seen cats fuck?

Like where it's this traumatic incident?

Yeah, like two barnacles, two male barnacles that fuck each other to death.

That's like the,

you know, vibe of Michael Douglas's sex scenes.

Was he the cuck in

Unfaithful?

No, that was.

Who was the husband?

I think he was the cuck in Unfaithful.

No, wasn't that fucking Richard Gere?

That was Richard Gere.

You're very right.

Bitch.

Swish.

I know that shit, bitch.

The Richard Gere gerbil rumor

keeps being funny to me.

It's the best.

You know what I need to do as soon as you're wrapped up with this?

Do a series of tweets about Harambe living inside of Richard Gere's ass.

Folks, you're getting to see Extremely Online guys.

This is the prod process, right?

Unfolding before your eyes.

Lamaments,

Before your damn ears, yeah.

No, I mean, it's so funny to me.

Well, you and I, remember when you and I and Jake were talking about the Rod Stewart one and we did the math on it?

Yeah.

So the rumor, Rod Stewart,

there's a rumor that he OD'd and like they sent up for a hospital at a party, right?

Yeah,

he OD'd at a party and had to go to the hospital.

Oh, right.

And they pump his stomach.

And

there's two liters of semen.

There's a drug cocktail and two liters of semen.

We're just like, wow, that's like a tremendous amount of semen.

So we did.

So

if you look at

the median load of a guy, and then you divide that into two liters of semen, it's like he would have had to suck.

How many was it?

I think, you know, I mean, I'm pulling it.

It was in the 700.

Yeah, it was like 722.6.

Yeah, what if he was saved?

I love that he's maybe just saving his own jizz.

Rod Super See, just coming into a fucking

bucket.

That's one option.

He had some sort of refrigerated jizz situation.

There's no other way.

Unless he's just a large bukaki.

No, he had to have sucked.

I mean, first of all, the story's real.

Massachusetts number one.

About

Rod Stewart sucking 723

one of his penises before.

How long does it take to metabolize?

Like six hours?

You have to remember,

this is the 1980s, too.

So this is like a big Hollywood party.

Michael Douglas is fucking like a broom with tints drawn on it.

He's high on top of it.

An upside-down broom with his brownie.

Richard Gere walks in.

He's like, does anyone have a gerbil?

Just all the urban legends.

Yeah.

Prince is getting his ribs removed so that he can suck Marilyn Manson's dick.

Oh, that's good.

Yeah, that's how that got confused.

I think those rumors do get

applied to multiple celebrities.

Yeah, well, it's colloquial, depending on

where I, when I was a kid, I remember Marilyn Manson that

sucking his own tongue.

I remember that.

And then it wasn't until adulthood that I heard that it was Prince doing it.

Oh, I never heard Prince.

This is the first time I've heard that.

Do you remember when Siara came out and everyone's like,

she's got a penis, guys?

She's a beautiful woman.

I don't remember that one.

Starting her music career.

I do remember Lil Bow Wow got raped by his bodyguard.

Oh, that's well, that's true.

Is it?

Because someone told me it wasn't.

I think it's true.

That was like me finding out Santa isn't real at like 22 years old.

Is that the little Bow Wow story wasn't real?

I think it's real.

See?

I mean, check, because I'm pretty sure.

And someone from B2K got raped, I think, also.

B2K stood for Boys of the 21st Century, just in case anyone.

I think Roger from Moesha raped B2K.

Oh, my God.

I'm not even kidding.

That's the fucking.

That's the rumor I heard.

Wait, Roger from Sister, Sister?

Yeah, yeah, whatever.

Batman.

That was his stage name, right?

Was it?

Yeah, he went went into RB after that.

Yeah, because no, he went, he's like an RB guy.

Because he,

I remember Roger was the fucking nerd, and he did like a similar Stefan thing.

Well, he hit puberty in between seasons, and like he went from being like little Roger to then he was like.

Oh, it wasn't Roger, it was TJ, wasn't it?

No.

Oh, that was Smart Guy.

Never mind.

Yeah, Smart Guy, bitch.

Yo, this is the most 90s-ass podcast we've ever heard.

Only 90s kids.

Yeah, only 90s cuts.

Gary Connie, true ass nights.

Well, that's what you do.

Like, you know, we were joking about that show, vinyl.

Like, fucking baby boomers love being like, oh man, the 70s.

Oh, dude, I've fucked so many women that look like Glenn Close.

And they reminisce on the 70s.

You're like, shut the fuck up.

And then we're going to do that, but we're going to be like 40 years old and be like, Doug,

it was a multicultural show.

Nobody did it like us.

Roger from fucking Moisha.

I remember the Sierra thing, though.

I remember, and I would, it did not deter me from beating off the Sierra.

Sierra, and I think that's what opened up me

thinking I would fuck a trans

woman.

Yeah, I'm in there for sure.

You know what?

You know what one was great?

Is the Jamie Lee Curtis one?

Jamie Lee Curtis was a hermaphrodite, and it was because she had like short hair.

Yeah.

She had like a jar head.

She had the biggest tits in the world.

Oh, yeah.

I would titty fuck the shit out of Jamie Lee Curtis.

Are you serious?

Yeah.

That was one of my first boners was True Lies when she does the strip dance scene.

Oh, how about fucking in.

Yo, what's up with every movie where Arnold has a kid?

The kid's name is Jamie.

Yeah, I have to save Jamie.

Jamie!

It's Christmas, Jamie.

Jamie, don't forget, we have to get a present.

Jamie!

Elliot, dude.

I did not know that that was the case.

Yeah, and in every movie, he had like a, like, his name was like John Anderson.

Yeah, I love love him.

I'm from Cleveland.

I'm a police officer.

I'm a cop.

I'm from Los Angeles.

Born and raised.

He's the big, yo, he's like, he's one of my.

He's the king, dude.

He's the biggest overachiever of all time.

I'm not saying he didn't work for it.

He worked for that body.

Well, his dad was a Nazi.

I mean, you know, people complain about it.

He instill values in you.

Well, imagine if your father's, he was, wasn't he a Nazi police officer?

He was like a police officer.

He was an Austrian cop.

He was an Austrian cop, but that was also a Nazi sympathizer.

So imagine you have a Nazi cop dad.

How are you not going to be the most jacked fucking dude in the entire world?

Then the whole country should be Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Yeah, that's true.

Wow, profound.

Thanks.

He got you, bitch.

R.I.P.

Harambe.

Yo, but like, listen, here's this guy,

this like mongoloid, like,

like, gland case that's like, I'm going to be the strongest guy in the world.

And then he became the strongest guy in the world.

And then he's like, I'm going to be the biggest movie star.

Despite the fact that I cannot speak English.

He was in a real estate in an intelligible manner whatsoever.

Right.

And then he became the biggest fucking movie star in America.

What was right time, right place for him?

I think the 1980s were a weird thing.

Like after the Vietnam War and before the Gulf War, there was like this weird period in American cinema where the idea of like an American hero evaporated.

Because they like lionized World War II in American cinema.

So you have all these movies like glorifying the American GI and what a hero is.

And then everybody hates the fucking military after Vietnam and nobody gives a shit about like American values anymore after Nixon and stuff.

And so all of like the American heroes in the 1980s are like you know, Europeans on steroids.

It's like John Flaude Van Damme and you know Arnold and shit.

He's supposed to be a literal robot.

Yeah, so

yeah, but he sounds European because he has like Bell's palsy or some shit.

Well, and also Rambo is like he did porn, right?

Before he became a he was living in the

bus station at Times Square.

What's that shit?

The porn 4030?

Yeah, he was living there.

And he saw

it at South Corporal.

Whoa, is Sylvester Salone here?

Yeah.

How you guys doing?

I wish I could do better.

Yeah, no, he did He did a portal.

I watched it.

I think you can see his dick.

The story of Rocky is pretty cool because he wrote that fucking piece of shit.

And then he sold it.

And he was like, I want to direct it and be in the movie.

You're not getting it.

And then they fucking, you know, they were like, no, we'll give you this amount of money.

And he fought for it and fought for it.

Yeah.

And he took like a lower amount of pay to be in it.

And now, you know.

Yeah, it's fucking easy.

He won best screenplay at the Academy Awards.

My friend Matt told me a story that Sylvester Stallone, like, he has a friend that's family friends with Sylvester Stallone, and you know, they've known him for years, and they went horseback riding on their, like, with their horses in Maryland somewhere in, like, western Maryland.

And

Sylvester Stallone fell off his horse and like stubbed his thumb and started crying.

He's a grown man.

I love this fucking slander, this sly slander we got going on.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I heard from, yo, I heard from one guy told me that another guy that he knows said the Sylvester salon cry, dude.

I'll fucking kick his ass.

If I see him right now, he's a bitch.

He's a fucking bitch, dude.

I'll kick his ass.

Yeah, fuck Sly, yeah.

So what's going on in the world of monster trucks?

That's the monster truck segment.

Oh,

the bone.

What's his name?

The

gravedigger is always, I feel like since we were kids, been around.

He's always, yeah.

Well, that's like the number two truck after Bigfoot.

You know what I want to do?

I wanted to print out my own gravedigger shirts with gravedigger on them and go to an event, like a monster truck event, and set up a little table and start selling them and see how long it takes before they notice and shut me down.

But it says Gravedigger on it.

Well, it's got Gravedigger on it, picture Gravedigger, and then it says Digger Lover.

Jesus Christ.

And you see how many you can.

That's pretty good.

I think odd people would buy them.

They would sell out quick, dude.

Yeah.

The monster truck eventually.

Have you been to

the word pun demographic?

Yeah.

Yeah,

I went to a monster jam at USA arena when i was like five was it good i don't know i was five i was there with my grandma i remember being very loud and then i went to another uh monster truck event pretty recently me and dana went uh to one at like a fair and it was it kind of sucked yeah

it seems like it would suck yeah my friend just went for his like birthday in austin he went to one and he's he said it was kind of underwhelming i believe that shit dude i would want to go but it's just anywhere there's that many fucking people and the people that love monster truck rallies

to be around.

You want to have your own private monster truck village?

I want to have like a Bond villain.

I want to have a fucking I want an audience with fucking Gravedigger, dude.

I want a private audience with Gravedigger.

I want to go in a fucking robe.

I watched

the modern Marvels on Monster Trucks, and they were talking about how the drivers don't have fans, and the drivers get fucked up, dude.

They get their spines broken and shit, and they just cycle them out.

And it's like, really, people only care about the trucks.

Unsung heroes.

The trucks are like cameras.

Trucks are the stars.

Yeah, yeah.

How much do you fucking make to be a monster truck driver?

$22,000 a year.

That's not bad.

Nah, they got to be Teamsters, right?

How funny if they're in Teamsters?

Yeah.

They're fully in.

Yeah.

I ain't doing that.

I drove over a car last week.

Get me a fucking sandwich.

The trucks just sit there all day long.

Get paid $9,000.

That's not bad.

$9,000 a day.

Yeah, that's how much Teamsters make.

I want to go to the RNC.

Yeah?

Brandon Wardell's going.

I know.

Yeah.

Brandon Wardell's being sent there by like Nickelodeon Gak and fucking Ghost.

He's got some great insights into the world of politics.

Yeah, I don't understand what they're doing.

They're sending me to the RNC and I'm going to be like,

yo,

nice as your hair.

It's whack, Donald Trump.

That's going to be the entirety of what they they pay him, a quarter million dollars to go there.

He's going to get them to dab or something.

Yeah, exactly.

He's going to be like, I just taught the soldier boy dance to the delegates who they want.

The Hillary campaign should seriously fucking poach Brandon.

They should hire Brandon.

Honestly, really, they should.

They should.

That would be

good at memes.

He would be great for them.

And then also, we could relentlessly bully Brandon about doing that for the rest of his fucking short life.

Short?

Oh, yeah, dude.

The more money he gets, he's going to overdose on sneakers or whatever the fuck.

Oh, did you guys?

I forgot to ask water.

Did you congratulate Trump for predicting the terrorists?

Oh, wow.

Oh, man.

That was the best tweet.

What a champion day.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And yeah, everyone's saying thank you to me.

Yeah, yeah.

Everyone's congratulating me.

I want to say thank you for congratulating me, but it's, you know, let's give it a day or two before I graciously accept that I was right about Muslims.

Oh, God.

He's the king.

He's a fucking hero, man.

So now it's like basically we get

a fascist versus an imperialist, and we have to choose.

Everyone's going to choose imperialism.

I love the hot takes over there, but that's my take, guys.

Another chop.

Another chopper.

Actually, sorry, guys, you're not allowed to say hot takes anymore.

That's that

belongs to Brandon Wardell.

Copyright Viacom.

The Brandon Wardell Corporation.

It's Lit Fam Entertainment Incorporated.

They own hot takes now.

N-word media.

Please let me say the n-word media.

It's just called n-dash word media.

The n-word I'm talking about is never.

Because I'm never going to stop.

Because I'm never going to say it, folks.

Sorry, I got to stretch.

You got to stretch it out.

Should we take a break?

Yeah.

We'll take a quick fiver and then we'll be back.

We're back.

Look right down in a crowded hall.

You see, there's a beauty standing.

Is she really everywhere on a reflection?

One always loves up to you.

The other shy and quiet.

But there be two different girls who look the same as sweet valleys, sweet valleys.

Sweet valley

sweet valley

sweet valley

Sweet by

Okay, we're back from break.

Back from break.

It's Puerto Rican Rattlesnake Adam Friedland.

Puerto Rican Rattlesnake.

Stavros Halkias.

And the original Puerto Rican Rattlesnake, me.

It's actually Puerto Rican Pride Week.

It's Puerto Rican Gay Pride Week.

Puerto Rican Gay Pride Week.

No, it is Puerto Rico week, which I feel like they have too often here

in New York.

It's Lynn Manuel Miranda is the head of the parade.

How about this?

Here's a good compromise.

No more gentrification.

You get rid of that fucking parade.

We take it away from him.

Dude, what do we do for the parade?

The crazier parade around here is the Caribbean one.

Oh, you say it pirate style.

I say it pirate style.

Really?

That's a choice.

It's a Caribbean choice.

It's an aesthetic choice.

It's a Caribbean.

I've never heard anyone say Caribbean until the Pirates of the Caribbean movies came out.

That's how I said.

You've said it like that your whole life?

My whole life, yeah.

I actually do a bit.

I do a bit about that, about knowing how no one talks, says it that way until those movies came out.

Because I say, you know what, my thing is, I say, I say Reese's PCs.

I can't stop doing that.

I don't know.

Reese's, baby.

Reese's PCs.

Reesey PC.

Yo, let me get some Reese's.

Do you have Reese's PCs?

They fucking say, that's how people say that shit in Baltimore.

I don't think it's a regional thing.

I think I'm just a fucking idiot.

My friends are are dumb as well.

I used to say, like,

reindeer zing,

like, when I saw those signs.

Oh.

School, like, children, zing.

Oh, zing.

Everybody does that.

Xmas?

I say Xmas.

Oh, no.

I figured out Exmus.

I couldn't figure out Zing until I was like.

I thought it meant that there were Chinese children playing.

Beware.

Chinese children ahead.

There's a zing coming up.

Children ching.

I'm not going to be able to be racist towards Chinese anymore.

I'm leaving China.

Where are you?

I'm moving to Bedsty.

You're going to that place?

Yeah.

Like a pretty cool Bedstead guy now.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Dude, this is.

Yeah, I don't really consider myself one of the gentrifiers because it's like I'm not the one paying the rent.

You know what I mean?

This is where they did do the right thing.

And by the way, I disagree.

I don't think they did the right thing.

Yeah, there was like a shooting a couple blocks from my house the other week, so it's still pretty lit in my neighborhood.

It's still a pretty cool place.

Gang shit.

Gang shit, bro.

Gang shit.

R.I.P.

to Popcorn 270.

Oh, I miss him so much.

Who's in jail?

Dude, I sent you the DMs.

I sent him right before you went to jail.

Wait, who?

You know who discovered him?

Will Will from Chapo Trap House.

Oh, Will, shouts out.

That is

the best.

I've evangelized Popcorn for Popcorn 270 on Instagram.

This like fat, this little fat white kid, this Eric Cartman.

You know what he looks like?

He looks like Eric Cartman with Glenn Close's hair from Fatal Attraction.

And yeah, he's like, all of his videos are like, me and my niggas hanging out smoking weed.

Even with like some other moron and white beater.

He

plays very fast and loose with the N-word.

It's so funny.

And anyhow, he just got arrested and he's doing 10 years.

I'll read the DMs that I sent him.

I was like, yo, Popcorn, you...

So he wrote on one of his.

He signed him.

I'll continue telling him the story.

So, yeah, his account's great.

It's like this little fat kid that just smokes weed and makes shitty rap videos and posts pictures of his

Kmart brand jeans

like sagging.

But yeah, he got arrested and Adam DM'd him to see.

So I was like, hi, Popcorn.

Are you really going to jail on Wednesday for 10 years?

And he said, yeah, I have to do two years out of 10 to get parole, but I'll probably do four.

And I was like, damn, dude, sorry to hear that.

What happened?

And he said, me and my dude did a home invasion with a handgun and went on a high-speed chase with the police because we was in a stolen car.

I love that he's just telling this fucking stranger on Instagram.

What's going on?

Like, you could be a cop.

You could be anyone.

Yeah.

So I said, I said, are you doing okay?

Like,

and then he didn't respond to that because that's a soft ass question.

And then I was like,

can you have Insta in jail?

And he said, no, you can't.

That's it.

He's like, he's like the white, he's like the white Litarian Milton.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that kid.

That kid's gotten his life around, turned his life around, dude.

Yeah, well, he graduated middle school.

He did a horseback.

Hopping out a hot girlfriend.

Did he?

Yeah, he had a hot, like, tall black girl that he was dating.

How old she was.

And there are pictures where he's just like holding her ass and he's like, you know, nobody said we could do this.

And then there's a picture at Zales

where he's taking a picture of

a ring, and he's like, yeah, about to celebrate our three-month.

Oh, God.

Do you remember that when jewelry stores had like the little window where you could see the guy working on the jewelry?

No.

There was one at Le Forest Mall.

They had that.

They had like a little window.

He was like a small Jew, like LGBT.

No, it was a Chinese guy that would work on the jewelry, and you could go to pretzel time and get get pretzels and just fucking stare at him.

And he would get mad at you if you

stared at him.

But that's why they have the fucking window.

Right, right, right.

You flip him off and shit.

Yeah, that's why.

We're fucking teenage assholes that trolling, dude.

That's exactly what they fucking had in mind.

You just have fucking nacho cheese sauce all over your life.

My favorite Letarian Milton video is like, I think the third one, where they're interviewing him, and he's gotten so used to the news in his house that he's just going about his business in the house.

He's like, because I like doing bad shit.

Leave me alone.

And they're following around the kitchen.

And while they're following him, he's making Kool-Aid ice cubes.

Oh, fuck, dude.

Lotarian's the best.

Oh, I love him.

I wanted to adopt him.

How's he doing?

He's good.

They ran a news story about him recently where it's like, oh, look how.

And he's like in a suit, and he's like, I'm over that.

He's like,

he's graduating eighth grade.

He's going to high school.

He's going to play football.

He's like, really, really into turning his life around.

We'll see, though.

That was a while ago.

Maybe he's probably still.

There's a lot of peer pressure.

Damn, I wonder what Letarian's up to.

I'm going to follow up.

Peer pressure, man.

That's tough.

That's what made Brock do those unspeakable things.

That's right.

It was party culture.

It was party culture and peer pressure.

Free Brock, guys.

If we could be serious for a moment, let Brock out of jail.

Did you see that?

Because he has the same name as the president.

Yeah.

And the guy from Pokemon with the stone.

Well, Barack Obama actually said if I had a son, his name would sound like

Brock.

If I had a son, he would be Letarian Milton.

He said that for real.

He did.

Did you see that thing about

that girl that wrote a letter to the judge saying that Brock's not a bad guy.

I went to elementary school with him.

And, like, you know, if you write a letter to a judge in a trial, it's like public records.

So, someone found it and they put it online.

And that girl was in a band.

And now that band is like been kicked out of all these music festivals in Brooklyn.

Oh, no.

Yeah.

And, like, all these fucking.

Well, Bar Matchless, they kicked him out.

And the owner of Matchless was like.

She lives here?

No,

the band's in like Ohio or some shit.

But Bar Matchless kicked the band out and they're like,

We're not going to support anybody that apologizes or diminishes rape.

And it's like, have you watched the show at your broadband?

It's a stand-up show every Monday.

Every fucking Monday.

Michael Chase, like, let me tell you about my new thought about Cosby.

Yeah, yeah, pretty much.

I got 10 new Cosby minutes there.

Yeah,

Bar Matchless will never stand by rape.

That's Bar Matchless.

Check us out on Yelp.

Give us five stars for not

dude.

My friend just bought me because he thought it'd be funny or something.

He listens to the podcast now, but

he just bought bought me Bill, a Bill Cosby shirt from like

season 12.

He's like, it's so cheap.

No one wants like Cosby Show memorabilia.

You got a rocket?

It's a monster's shirt.

I'm going to have a monster's shirt in my room.

Hitler's underpants.

I would wear Hitler underpants.

Is Cosby going to jail?

He's going to trial, I think.

Yeah.

Some shit.

There's one statute of limitations that wasn't expired.

Oh, really?

Because that's what he kept getting away with it.

All the race were in like the 70s.

What if that's the trial I'm on?

What if that's the jury

I get selected for?

Probably, dude.

And they're like, well, he's racist, but he is a comedian.

So he's got, you know, check marks on both sides.

Neutral.

Yeah, he's completely neutral on this one.

Are you worried about getting a fucking long-ass trial, a nice murder trial?

I am.

I mean, it would be cool, you know.

My friend sort of lost his mind doing that.

Eric did.

Eric?

Is that what happened to Eric?

I sort of think that might have happened because he did, like, he sent a guy to jail for 35 years.

He did.

He was on this.

He was on a guy to jail, but yeah.

He was on this jury that they convicted.

And it was super intense, and there was like long jury deliberations and stuff.

You know what I would want to do?

Is like one of those ones where somebody left a baby in a car.

Yeah.

And I would be the one guy where it's like, nah, fuck that baby.

I'd be the 12 angry men guy that's like, I personally, fuck that baby.

That's how I feel.

And then they all have to convince me and they can't do it.

I'm like, all right, forget it.

So guys, the Tony's are going on tonight.

Who's excited?

I mean,

I've seen it in the Tony's.

The Tony's is for what?

Musicals?

It's for plays.

It's for plays.

But all the plays are in New York.

So it's like, why would anyone else watch Tony's that don't live in New York?

That aren't like gay men living in Chelsea and New York.

I thought it was like the award.

I thought it was like, okay, which one's the best?

Scarface, Soprano,

the Tiger.

You got to pick one here.

Which one?

Which one's it going to be?

Who's the best?

I say Tony the Tiger.

The goose, baby.

Oh, man.

We were looking at naked pictures of Tony the Tiger the other week.

And there's a thing, when people draw Tony the Tiger on like DeviantArt, fucking Mario or QP and Sam.

Huge hug.

Of course he's got a huge distracted huge dude.

I mean, everybody has a huge dick in the cartoon fuck world.

But

you know what's great is the way they draw Tony is

so the end of his dick is blue because his nose is on.

Oh, that's blue?

Oh, no.

It's always every single one.

He's got a blue tip of a dick.

It's unbelievable, dude.

That's incredible.

He's got a blue dick.

Literally, you will not find one of the tiger dick pic online that is not blue-headed.

It's so funny.

And that makes me think about like 2K and Sam dick.

They should draw it striped like his nose.

And he's saying, follow your dick to the smaller birds.

You know, I was looking up 2can Sam on Wikipedia the other day,

which I love Wikipedia because the 2can Sam article is like

15,000 words.

It is?

There was a lot of shit on there.

I don't know if it looks that far.

But yeah, and then they have...

You know what?

It is actually the longest article I've seen.

It's on the Wikia.

It's like the Star Wars Wikia.

The page for Wedge Antilles, who's like a minor character in the movies.

He's like Luke Skywalker's friend.

It's like, you can do it, Luke.

That's like his only line in the movie.

And that article, like, you pull it up on your phone.

Look up, look up Wedge Antilles on your fucking phone on the Star Wars Wikia.

Like Wedge, like, yeah, like Wedge.

Like, yeah, Salad Wedge.

It's obscene.

It's probably like 50,000 words.

How much somebody fucking wrote about Wedge Antilles.

But yeah, I was looking at the Toucan Sam page.

And it's like, all these extra characters and storylines that happen in the commercial that nobody pays attention to that shit.

Right, right.

And somebody got paid like millions of dollars.

Oh, yeah.

It's like, well, what if he's got a friend that's like a

dog that's on Safari?

And they got paid a shit ton of money for that.

Oh, I used to do that shit.

Didn't you do that?

Yeah, this is

this is this is pretty long.

No, our company paid me briefly.

Like, they were like, we want you to write tweets for us.

And that lasted two days.

And they were were like, never mind.

Please don't ever do this again.

How can we work for Hillary Clinton?

Fuck Brandon.

We should just be writing those tweets.

We wouldn't write as nerdy tweets.

Yeah, delete your account.

Everyone thought that was so fucking cool.

No, actually, first of all, I only found out about that because of people making fun of her for that.

Yeah, so I thought that was cool.

Yeah, all these people were like, I'm dead.

I'm crying.

Cry emoji.

I'm fucking you.

Slay, drag him.

Drag him, Hillary.

And it's like, what?

That's supposed to be.

Hillary, be the Khaleesi that we need, that America needs.

Hillary.

Yo, this is what Hillary doesn't get, okay?

Yes.

You're already going to Chopa territory here, but this is my political analysis.

Hillary can't go cool.

We're never going to buy it.

She's not cool.

You have to emphasize the fact that you're like a freak.

Like, I'm a freak.

I read policy papers like all night long.

Like, I have no sense.

She should go full autism, dude.

She shouldn't.

She She should go Big Bang Theory.

That show has been on for like 27 seasons.

Nerd culture is huge.

The Golden Say Warriors are a nerd team, right?

Yeah, yeah.

Why doesn't she just go full nerd?

Why is she trying to be cool?

That's smart.

Why is she trying to be Beyoncé?

And it's like Donald Trump is so inherently cool that like anytime he's he, you know, what's so great about Trump is he should be so easy to make fun of.

But he's.

He's hideous.

He's not.

He's wearing weave.

Anytime all the people that are like, oh, Trump, you sound like a fucking nerd.

Yeah, you're a a nerd doesn't care you're a nerd making fun of donald trump and you know what everyone made fun of the dangerous donald thing and guess what he calls elizabeth warren goofy goofy elizabeth

which should be so much worse than dangerous donald but it's perfect goofy elizabeth yeah

goofy elizabeth's gonna keep lying about being pocahontas and it works i love him i've

i really just i i cannot wait until the election's over and i'm gonna buy that hat he's a really yeah when the election's over it'll be yeah it'll be nice I mean as a social phenomenon he's Agent Smith of the Republican Party.

He's a virus that's just multiplying and we just don't know how far holy shit.

Did I show you that that comment someone sent me on

they said Trump is Agent Smith?

No, no, no.

Sorry.

From some woman posting on Trump's page.

Oh fuck, you showed me.

Yeah, yeah, I don't know if I showed you.

Somebody sent me this.

This kid

who listens to the podcast.

Shout out to him.

Shout out who?

So, okay.

This is on Trump's page on Facebook.

Some woman,

Terry L.

Beavis Guthrie.

And I looked.

I'm pretty sure.

Is that real?

I'm pretty sure it's real.

I mean, as much as I can vet.

And she goes, she writes, Mr.

Trump, I don't know if you read these posts or not.

However, my son Matthew, who was born with Down syndrome, would be honored to tell Obama and Hillary they are fired.

He will be voting for you, and you are his idol.

He's been telling us since he saw The Apprentice that Obama is fired.

It would be the thrill of his life to be able to stand next to you and tell them both, Obama and Hillary, you are fired.

Oh my God.

That's so awesome.

That's the best shit I've ever heard in my entire life.

Mr.

Trump, my retarded son, is a big fan of your policies.

Mr.

Trump, my son with Downsyndrome, who sometimes thinks you are Donald Duck,

who sometimes confuses you with Donald Duck, to be fair?

He would love to tell

Obama and Hillary.

You're fired.

Like, what is he basing on you?

What?

Why does this kid hate Obama?

BB came out for Trump in a couple tweets, and

he responded, like, BB, don't.

BB, Trump's not good, dude.

You shouldn't do that.

No, I fully support BB being on the Trump train.

Well, BB does support BB Nets on Yahoo, but that's only because they have the same name.

Oh, fuck, that is so goddamn good.

Well, we are winding down here.

We need something else to talk about.

We still have 15 Minutes to Kill.

I watched the Benghazi movie.

Oh, did you?

Yeah, perfect.

Let's talk about that.

It is okay, guys.

It is.

First of all, Michael Bay

is so right-wing at this point.

I don't know what has happened to this guy.

He's just like, he's like a psycho.

They kill so many Muslim people in this movie.

I can't even begin to explain to you how many people Jim from the office

killed.

It's Jim from the office.

Jim looking hot as hell, by the way.

Just murdering.

And Roy from the office is also really?

Yeah, but he's like...

Oh, dude, it's just incredible.

So me and my friend were watching it, and is Hillary supposed to be Michael Scott?

Well, Hillary's the head of ISIS.

Everyone knows that.

Yeah.

Me and my friend were watching it, and like at the beginning, we were like ironically high-fiving each other.

Every time they said like Benghazi, like real serious, they're like,

guess we better go to Benghazi?

You know, like we just high-five each other.

But at a certain point, like, we realize that the word Benghazi is literally written on maybe every single page of that script.

They just they are saying and oh, the movie is also two hours and 40 minutes long.

Oh, my God.

Of just saying the word Benghazi.

There are titles, there are cryons on

screen at the beginning of scenes where they say Benkazi.

They like introduce the scene as like that they're

not when they show you the location in that movie.

Is it always done in that like that like

the computer

that shows up with the military movies?

They always have to have like the date and military time, yeah, and they compare where it's being decoded in front of you, just like the fucking military would be.

That's my favorite thing is in uh movies about the Muslim world, like there's always at the beginning of a scene to establish you're in the Muslim world, the call to prayer.

It's like the gong.

It's like the gong of East Asia.

Oh, we're in China now.

Gong.

The best song from any one of those movies is that Somali prayer song from Blackhawk Down.

They're like,

the dramatic.

Somebody's dying.

Just have that thing.

Dying in slow-mo.

Dude, your close personal friend is in that movie, Tom Sizemore.

Oh, shit.

Yeah.

Oh, by the way if you're listening and you don't know uh tom sizemore and me are actually friends

you could push you still follow each other on twitter yeah i checked to make sure he hasn't unfollowed me uh but he you know tom seismore is fucking insane imagine he like was in every great movie from like 1996 until 2000 oh yeah and then uh

just did a bunch of math and beat the shit out of who is it heidi flice who did he beat up he's still working yeah he's still working but he was in a movie with Paul Versey.

Really?

Yeah, like two weeks ago.

I saw Paul.

I saw Paul outside his tent.

He's like, Yeah,

I just finished working on a movie with Tom Sizemore, and it was great.

And, you know, we took pictures together, and we had a great time.

And I was like, Tom Sizemore?

And he was like, Yeah, and I was like, I love Tom Sizemore.

He was on the celebrity rehab, Dr.

Drew Show.

Hell yeah.

You can't fix Sizemore.

Sizemore needs those drugs to be as talented of an actor as he is.

Oh, yeah.

That's what Kelsey needed to be Fraser.

Apparently, Kelsey Grammar was on

a cocktail of intoxicants the entire time he was making cozy.

How much of the cocktail was semen?

It was Niles Seaman.

I love that that shot.

When I was a kid, I couldn't tell.

I thought they were British.

Yeah, I did.

I was like, are they British?

I don't understand why they have that accent.

It's like, oh, no, they're not British access.

The dad was a cop, and he was like, you know, work in vice.

He was like, you don't understand the kind of day I've had.

And he beat him.

So they sent him to live with their gay British mother.

Is that the story?

Because there was a British, wasn't the

nanny was British.

Not the nanny, but the like main.

Mrs.

Sheffield.

Yeah, yeah.

That was a good-ass show, too.

I watched all of that shit.

I wanted to smash Fran Dresher, and I still do, by the way.

Really?

Hell yeah, dude.

She was hot.

Dude, and then she had like a show on the CW or some shit, like fucking 10 years after the nanny, where she was like old and still hot.

I'd still smash now with this guy.

I can't.

I don't know if I can have sex with a Jew ever again.

I can say that.

Why can you say that?

Personally, I'm offended.

They dress.

As a guy that likes to fuck.

I can't do it.

I was seeing this girl who's like a New York City.

I was like, this is the real Jew.

She's a real kind of Jew.

Yes, I was like, not like me.

She's treacherous ones.

From Las Vegas.

This is a real bit, you know, a real, a real bit of a bit.

And every time she'd say thank you for something, it was just, it sounded like she was being sarcastic.

She'd be like, wow, thanks a lot.

I'd be like, well, I just did, like, I cooked dinner.

Dude, you're going to come back.

You're going to come back for the trial.

I can't stand it, dude.

They drive me.

Would your parents be sad if you didn't marry a Jew?

They do say that, but that's just like absurd.

I love that.

That's like, yeah, fuck your cousin.

Okay, Adam, fuck your cousin.

You know, we are only 2% of the entire population, the entire country.

I mean, I guess it's different in New York.

But fuck your cousin.

Yes, just please fuck your cousin.

They're like 97% here.

Yeah, it's like two men.

It's mostly them, I think, in New York.

Were you like two non-Jews?

That girl accent, whenever girls say thank you, they go, Thank you.

Thank you.

Oh, they got thank you.

It's like, what?

Every girl, yeah, every single girl.

Like, shop.

Like, shoppy girls?

Shop girls.

Shop.

What are you talking about?

Like, girls that are like to shop.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I have to shop.

I have to shop.

Yeah, we were doing that.

Oh, my God.

I was shopping.

I was shopping all day, and I'm so exhausted that I just have to shop.

I have to blow off steam.

I do my business shopping during the day, and then I work on these commercials, and like the wardrobe assistant girls are always the worst fucking people in the entire world they're like i'm 20 and i kind of just you know find my way through life by positive thinking and uh so i don't really pay rent i just people to stay at their place

oh yeah that's love to do that always yeah i saw this girl that i was dating a few months ago and she said to me

She said,

yeah, after we stopped seeing each other, I realized that I can fuck any guy that I want.

So there was really no reason to go out with you because, as a woman, I can have sex with any man.

Yeah.

And I feel like that's the Da Vinci code.

I mean, if they all realize that, then it's over for us, right?

I don't know.

This is us personality boys.

Just getting into like shitty black comic territory.

Because the pussies.

You got a scholarship sitting underneath your legs.

That was one of Aries Spears' bits where he's talking about, how are women, how are a woman not going to go to college?

You got a scholarship.

You sitting on a scholarship, girl.

And he's basically saying, fuck your way to college.

Use your pussy to go to college.

That's so good.

That's a good bit.

That's a good bit.

Yeah.

They can fuck whatever they want.

Hell yeah, dude.

Well, what else do we got?

Somebody talk for five minutes.

Guys, I just want to know what's going on with my cumboys, dude.

Are you coming?

Is everyone coming?

Let's have a weekly come check.

When was the last time you came, Adam?

Yesterday.

Did you beat off or was it sex?

Both.

Both?

What do you mean?

Yeah.

Nice, man.

I did both activities yesterday.

Hell yeah, dude.

Yeah, yeah.

Beating off first or second?

No, that was just a daytime roommate's gone, you know.

Beating off just to clear the pipe.

Escaping into my masturbatorium.

I mean, like, living with roommates.

Yeah, oh, yeah, you know, I know.

Anytime you're on, you have like a band.

Yeah.

Now, let me ask you this.

Yeah.

Do you like the game?

Michelle from the podcast.

Ah, yes.

From the weirdest

podcast.

You thought it was weird?

I think it was a little weird.

I think

people, the feedback was.

They loved it, but it was also very retarded.

Oh, yeah.

Well, then that's.

Well, no, I think it was dumb.

It was dumb how we took it to a dumb place, maybe.

But people told me that.

Well, you know, we went in with a lot of tension and drama, and then I wasn't there for most of it.

Neither was Stav.

You went to the bathroom?

No, I left, and then

I left also in the beginning.

And then apparently that Seth guy came in.

Yeah.

We took it to

Seth Dickfield, who's not based on another guy who's been posting a lot of dumb shit on the fucking internet since this shit hit this morning.

Dude, I'm trying to look at Twitter for like

some.

Didn't he block you?

He unblocked me for whatever reason.

This other guy who's not really

has nothing to do with Seth Dick Film.

But

yeah, no, I'm trying to look at Twitter for like trending topics, but I guess like E3 or something is going on now, so all the shooting stuff has been drowned out by

news about video games.

So

heads up, too.

A VR headset that's also sex.

I remember when I was like, when I was in middle school, me and my friends were talking about like, imagine how sweet virtual reality is going to be.

You can put on a helmet that'll plug into the Nintendo and then another machine will suck your dick.

You can fuck fake women in virtual reality.

Like, it was just, we never even considered that you could fuck real women.

Technology is good.

When we're adults, we'll be able to fuck robots.

It just never.

Somebody made that.

What age is that, though?

Like 11.

Because the age immediately after that, 13, is like when you become the most misogynistic you'll ever be.

Before you've actually touched anything, that's when you like see another

child at school and you're like, go to your boys, you're like, yeah, I would fuck that bitch in the ass.

Some girl who's wearing like a training bra, like a child, like another child that's cool.

She has a bar.

Yeah, I would fuck her in the ass.

Because I know.

Yeah, I remember when I was in first grade, I had a piece of paper with a mark and like a marker I had written, girls I would fuck.

And then it was just a list of girls in my class.

Wait, are you serious?

Yeah, I'm serious.

And I like folded it up and hid it somewhere in my room.

And I remember my parents never found it, but I imagine if they did, they would just have to be like, yeah, I guess we just put this back.

I don't know.

I want to have this conversation.

So they probably found it.

First grade?

Yeah.

Did you fuck?

You knew like fuck.

Well, I knew the word fuck.

I mean, it wasn't like...

You didn't know the concept.

Yeah, no, no, I didn't.

I mean, I guess.

Until, like, you know, how, like, in a child said,

first of all, like, the vagina is, like, where your dick is.

Of course.

So you're very confusing the first time you try and touch a vagina.

It's so much lower than you think it's going to be.

You think it's at the dick player.

I fucked that up big time.

And then also, you think you just put the dick in, and then that's it.

Yeah.

You don't understand.

There's like a thrusting element there.

My friend was asking me the other day.

He's like, you ever like,

in a relationship with a girl you're close with, like, just uh, like sleep inside of her?

Yeah, there's a name for that, dude.

What is it called?

What is it called?

It's called like hot soaking or something.

That's terrible.

Yeah, you leave your dick in.

That's how you give somebody a fucking yeast and fast.

Yeah, that sounds terrible.

Yeah.

Also, what your dick just like is

this fucking weird friend of yours asking you this question.

Dude, my daddy.

Is it Michael Douglas?

You know the friend.

I'm not going to say that.

You ever make love?

I think I know the friend.

You can't just either say it or don't say it.

Don't like signal us.

Oh, Tom Seismore.

Oh, okay.

All right.

It was somebody, it was another person.

God damn.

Yeah, no, that's like a terrible idea.

Somebody, I forget where it was.

I saw it online.

There was some comment section where, or maybe it was like Yahoo Answers or something where a woman was like, is it normal for like

her boyfriend kept a cup of water next to the bed to dip his dick in after they fucked What the fuck?

To give him a bath?

To give a penis to him?

You richer cock off in the fucking bathroom.

Dick cup.

That's terrible.

Putting his dick in.

Wash it off.

He should have like a bird bath in his room for dipping his dick in.

Well, it's like a bidet.

No, he should keep, he should keep fucking the stuff barbers use.

He should keep the blue stuff.

Just have his dick in there.

Well, I don't know what you're talking about.

Barberside is bursting.

What blue shit?

Oh, yeah.

Combs?

Barbicide.

Barbicide.

Yeah, yeah.

I don't know what that is.

For the combs, they put

it for the combs in the

blue shit.

Yeah, it looks like Windex.

Yeah.

Barbicide.

You know what's funny?

I was like, you know how they have the barbershop poles with the blue?

And they do that because they used to like drain blood there.

But like barbers, like before, I think surgery was like, you know, standardized, like, you could just go to a barber and you'd be like, hey, can you cut this tumor out of me?

And be like, Give it a shot.

Yeah, that's what medicine.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's crazy.

I feel like we need to end this one with a bang.

There's got to be something we can fucking talk about.

Okay.

Where we're not just ramping, because this is, to be honest, the worst one yet.

For sure, I'd say.

This has got to be the worst one.

Yeah, well, we didn't plan.

Well, we can't plan.

I'm fucking sick.

It's not my fault.

Yeah.

I don't blame.

We ran out of shitty comedians to talk about.

There's really, you know, there's like three of those guys.

All right.

And actually, you know what?

You remember Tom Flood?

I don't.

Tom Flood, I don't even know if he, I wouldn't really classify him as a shitty comedian.

He was like, oh, fuck, Mike Diesel.

How have we not talked about old Mike Diesel?

Yeah.

Oh, man.

I'm glad I remember.

Tell that fucking story, though.

Okay, so

Mike Diesel is this little fucking, he looks like,

he looks like.

You remember that show, U.S.

Acres?

It was part of Garfield and Friends.

Oh, no.

I don't remember.

Remember Garfield and Friends, the TV show?

It was the Garfield TV show.

And then it would cut to the farm scenes where there was like, you know, the Roy, the chicken.

Yes, yes.

Yes, yes.

And then Orson was the pig.

Yeah, hell yeah.

And Orson had three older brothers that were like bully pigs.

So Mike Diesel looks like the bully pig older brother.

He's this like stout fucking, like, I think his real last name is Kukarini.

He's just like stout fucking

diesel.

Yeah.

And it's great.

If you do a Bing image search for Mike Diesel, the first like three pictures of him, the next one's something like a guy deadlifting 600 pounds.

And then the one underneath that is like three dudes sucking each other's dicks.

So, yeah, Diesel was fucking.

Did you not?

You don't know Diesel at America.

You met him.

I barely met, but

I only came in contact with him once at an open mic.

Yeah, well, he was great.

He was like a pathological liar.

But he would tell these stories where they were harmless.

He was like that much of a liar where you never had to worry about the stories.

But he was telling, his act was fucking, he was so happy when the Iraq war started because, like, you know, he would go on stage and he would start doing his Iraq war bit about, like, yeah, you know, George Bush and Saddam Hussein, blah, blah, blah.

And then halfway through the bit, it would some at some point he would be like, and you know, Ross Perot's over there, like, hey, and he would do his Ross Perot's brand.

And it's like, oh, you wrote these jokes 10 years ago.

You're just cycling these back.

You were doing comedy like at the beginning of the Iraq watch.

No, no, no.

I started in 2005.

So, you know, two years in.

Okay, where?

Two years into the war.

Yeah, but

yeah, so Diesel, he would tell all these fucking lies.

And one time he tells this story about, he's like,

so I'm in a bar, right?

I'm in a bar.

And

say anything you want to me.

You know, say whatever you want to me.

I don't give a shit.

You know, I'm not going to have a problem with it.

You know, he's like doing that one, the thing that guys do where they do the tough guy thing where it's like, you say whatever you want to me, but if you come after my friends, I'll fucking kill you.

Right.

He's like, Say whatever you want to me, I don't care.

And there's this guy at the bar, and he's talking about your shit.

You know, he's like a shit talker, causing a ruckus or whatever.

I'm not thinking about it.

But then he steps on my wife's foot.

And,

you know, that's just a line you don't cross.

So

I say, you better fucking apologize.

And he's refusing to apologize.

So I grab him.

I get him a headlock and I take him down to the ground.

And I get him down to the ground and I have him there.

And I,

you know, I can feel his life slip out of my hands.

What?

He murdered somebody.

And so, like, you know,

people were just listening to Mike tell it because he bullshits all the time.

They're like, go on.

He's like, yeah, you know, the wait staff, they said, Mike, we saw what happened.

We'll take care of this for you.

And so he told a story about how he murdered somebody at a bar.

And the way.

He was stepping on his wife's.

Yeah, yeah.

And the bar was like, hey, that's Mike Diesel, famous comedian.

we're gonna fucking let him go.

Doesn't he have that other thing about the advice?

Oh, yeah, he told another story about

being at a fucking bar one time.

He's always at a bar, he's always got these like bar stories that he tells.

Was it this was a headliner he was working with?

Yeah,

no, he's working with a young comic, comic named William.

Really good comic.

Everyone knew this guy was going to be big.

And,

you know, he says to me, he says, Mike,

if you just took the impressions out of your act, you would be the greatest comedian I've ever seen

and that was Bill Hicks

he still has impressions in him

you didn't take Bill Hicks advice

oh my god I had a teacher I had a teacher in high school that was a former LAPD vice cop and a pathological liar he made up stories like

we we would fact check a bunch of them but one of them actually we thought was a lie ended up to be almost true What was it?

He

basically was saying that during his time in the LAPD, he worked security detail for like movies.

And he's like, Yeah, you know,

you know, I

was a big fan of Cosby.

You know, we smoked cigars together on set, you know, and

I was like, Whoa, you worked on movies?

He's like, Yeah, I was in a couple of movies, and we're like, What was the name of the movies that you were in?

And he was like, Disco something, disco something or other.

And we're like, what?

What?

Don't remember the name.

And I was like, do you have the movie?

He's like, oh, my fucking ex-wife,

she has the movie, you know, but yeah,

I used to have it on tape.

And then it was the first time I'd ever used IMDB.

I looked it up, and there's a movie, there was a black exploitation movie directed by this guy, Fast Black.

And it was called Disco 9000.

And he was a vice cop number two, Richard Warren.

He was that's that's weird as

pathological liars.

They'll have one or two stories that are real, but then they're you they sound like bullshit like the other ones.

Well, he used to tell us stories that were like he was like, Oh, and then she died in my arms after

dropping charges from the scumbag, beating and raping her.

Uh, she, I finally came and it was too late, and I'll never forget that day, uh, April 31st, 1968.

You know, and then we're like,

my friend was like, yo, there's no April 31st.

That's not a day.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, no, Mike told, Mike, I forget who told me this story, but Mike had said this, said, I think it was Rob Mayer.

He told Rob Mayer at a party.

He was like, you know, he's like, hey, Mike, how you been?

And Mike goes,

pretty good.

Went fishing with the Clintons on the weekend.

So he said he had the hate, you know, him and his wife went, me and Patience went fishing with the Clintons.

And so I guess, yeah, Bill and Hillary Clinton are good friends with Mike Diesel, the booker of Wise Acres Comedy Club.

The defunct for six years.

Wise Acres Comedy Club.

So they went fishing.

And then at the party later, he sees Mike's wife and he's like, ah, I was hanging out with the Clintons all weekend.

And Mike's standing right there.

And, you know, his wife looks at Rob and she's like, what are you talking about?

And Mike just like, you know, in The Simpsons when Homer is talking to Flanders and his brain just like disappears or whatever?

Yeah, Mike just fucking stonewalls him and pretends like it didn't happen.

Mike, one time, he invited me to,

he goes, he's like, I want you to, I throw a party every year.

It's the only time I do cocaine with my wife.

She's at this party.

It's called the East Coast Comics Convention.

And basically, every comedian on the East Coast is going to be there.

Which is like,

Mike, that's like 45,000 people.

Is it Burning Man?

Yeah, and he goes, it's at my house out in.

He lived out in West Virginia somewhere.

And

I did a show at Fish Head Cantina.

Is that yes?

Yeah.

It was in like Rivera Beach or some shit.

The fish head was in fucking Arbutis or like in Catensville.

Yeah, that's where it was.

It was Arbutis.

And

so the party was at Mike's house, but after that, and I drove out there, I followed Mike Stork and Cap Malone out to this fucking party.

The East Coast Comics Convention.

And

you know, but I know Mike's a liar.

So when he says every comedian on the East Coast should be there, I'm like, okay, like a couple of guys I'm friends with.

It'll be a party, you know,

hang out and have fun.

And I get there, there is literally no one.

No, dude, that's sad.

It's me.

That is sad.

That's sad.

Mike on the couch.

He's in his lazy boy with his fucking legs up, and he's got a fucking Afghan draped over his legs.

He's petting a shitty old dog, and his wife's like,

oh, come on in, you know.

And Basil White is asleep upstairs, and there's a fucking cat eating like part of like one of those long catered subs on the table.

And I, you know, I mean, I had driven from like Baltimore basically to West Virginia.

Yeah, it was like an hour and a half.

We drove out there, and that was the night.

Yeah, so we're all like getting high and shit.

And it was me and Mike, Diesel and Stork.

And then I think Basil woke up and we're like, you know, you know how Stork is, where he'll like, you know, like just go off and he's talking about like neurotransmitters or whatever.

And they're talking about like therapy and shit.

And Mike, Mike says at one point, he's like, Yeah, you know, it took me a long time to find a good therapist.

And I, you know, I had a lot of people that tried to be nice to me, and it really took somewhere to just sit me down and say, no, Mike, this is what happened to you, okay?

You were fucking raped.

And, you know, immediately I'm like, fuck you, asshole.

And he's like reenacting the scene for Goodwill Hunting or whatever.

He's like, fuck you, you know, because that's why because fuck you is why you know but eventually i just had to accept it and i mean i know mike's lying he wasn't fucking raped wait you think that's all casually mentioning being raped is

basically shitting wait wait wait wait wait

when he was doing a scene from a movie like he's always like all of his re because he's a liar so all of his reactions to things are like shit he saw in movies right

you know he's like and then they tried to say my coupon wasn't invalid and i said you can't handle the truth you know it's like always this dramatic interaction with people where he's like, you know, coming out on top.

But yeah, that was the best part of this.

Oh, and I went down to his basement to get like a soda or something.

And so he's this big, fat fucking piece of shit, but he's one of those fat guys.

It's like,

he told Andy Klein one time somebody was talking about working out, and he tells Andy, he's like, Yeah, I've been working out a lot.

I'm actually down to 0.4% body fat,

like Ray Lewis in his prime at 6% body fat.

And he's like, Mike, we can see you.

He's going to just

say that.

He was mad as shit.

He's fucking bigger than Stavros.

He was like twice the size of Stavros.

He was at 0.4% body fat.

That's like a fucking Auschwitz victim.

That's not even 0.4% body fat.

Yeah, like peak athletes are at 8%.

But

that's not even believable.

Yeah, yeah no I mean that's very shitty

yeah I'm down to 0.4% body fat so yeah I go down to his basement and he's got his little workout area which is like a bench like an adjustable bench and then just two 50 pound dumbbells

just doing like one fucking swinging curl with his fucking piggly arms and that's his whole exercise regimen

well I'm good I'm glad yeah I'm glad I remembered him.

We'll save Tom Flood for the I'm glad you know it's funny I was trying to like pick my brain trying to think of like a shitty comic I haven't shit on yet.

I'd love to maybe next episode we'll get into really deep into Dave Schauffer.

Yeah, Dave's a fucking Dave's always been nice to me, but you know, apparently people fucking hate him.

Oh, that's hilarious.

Uncle Dave Comedy.

Uncle Dave comedy, dude.

Well, Tom, Tom Flood, why I brought a Tom Flood is because Tom Flood, and it sort of ties into Diesel.

Tom Flood was this guy with like, who was severely autistic.

He wasn't high-functioning autistic.

He could barely communicate with you.

And he pushed carts at like the Safe Safeway down Route 7 or something.

And he would come to Wise Acres for the open mic.

And,

you know, he would go on stage and do his time, but it wasn't jokes or anything.

And everyone would laugh at him.

And like...

So half of it was people being like, we're being supportive, or this is avant-garde.

And it's like, no, you're laughing at an autistic man.

This is exploitation.

That's all it is.

For sure.

And like one time he went on stage and he fucking like dragged, he spent the first two minutes minutes of his set dragging tables onto the from like the audience onto his the stage and he lines them up and puts four chairs behind them.

And he's like, oh, the the the uh uh the 1984 uh NBC4 afternoon news uh broadcast from September, you know, 13th.

And he like he's like, and uh like uh Mitch Douglas sat here and

he reenacts some afternoon news broadcast from like 1984 that he remembers.

And it's not jokes or anything.

Hell yeah.

And I remember Mike Diesel,

like, he was like, I'm telling you, if you brought that act on the road, it would kill.

He is a genius.

And it's like,

no, Mike.

If you brought that act on the road, Jesus Christ.

That is Andy Kaufman-level genius.

It's like, no, you're

just fucking laughing.

Disabled.

Oh, God.

Yeah, he's so dumb, dude.

Twidey met him.

I saw Twidey at a party, and he was like, Do you know this Mike?

Diesel guy?

And I was like, Oh, yeah, dude.

I know Mike.

And he's like, Yeah, I just worked with him.

He's like saying he's been a comic for 30 years.

And like, he's like, I only got four teeth left, but like, you could see all of Mike's teeth.

So Mike was literally lying through his teeth at that moment.

We're going to have to wrap it up.

Yeah.

All right.

That's more than enough time.

Thanks for listening to Come Town.

We're going to to set up donations soon.

Yeah.

Because you really should be paying for this.

I feel like this level of work.

Give your money to women, fam.

Give your money to women.

We all identify as women.

We're all women when it comes to being paid to fucking say woke shit on the damn internet.

Clap emoji.

Clap back, fam.

Clap back.

Fingernail paint thing.

I love the phojan one.

Yeah.

All right.

Later.

See you, bros.

What do you think, should we put the kids on the table?

I was sipping my latte when my friend gasped.

Her phone had just alerted her to a data breach.

Again, that's when I told her about CAPE.

It's not just another app, it's a mobile carrier built to protect your privacy.

No name, no address, no data collected.

Cape offers premium nationwide service for $99 a month.

First month, just $30.

Use code CAPE33 and get 33% off your first six months.

She signed up that afternoon.

And now, no more gasps.

Go to Cape.co.

Privacy starts at the source.

Ready to buy a car, a home, or just want to take control of your money?

Your FICO score matters, and 90% of top lenders use it to make decisions.

Check your FICO score for free today without hurting your credit score.

Visit myfICO.com/slash free or download the MyFICO app today.

My FICO gives you the score lenders use most, plus credit reports and real-time alerts to help keep you on top of your credit.

Visit myfico.com/slash free and take the mystery out of your FICO score.