Ep. 5 – Cum Angels

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Cometown episode

five.

Episode five, bitch.

Yeah, so we did this one backwards.

We already recorded the second half with our guest, Bonnie McFarlane.

Hilarious.

You're going to love it.

Yeah, I feel like it was pretty good.

Yeah, it was good.

It was all right.

And listen, it's going to be much better than the, you know, the bullshit we're about to do.

Yeah, so we did it backwards, so we got to do the first half now,

which is pretty unorthodox for us.

Every single one of these episodes is actually scripted.

We script the whole fucking thing.

Except the one where we argued in Seth and

Ronald or Ray, what was it?

Yeah, I don't know.

I don't know.

I wasn't there for the Seth.

Oh, Oh, yeah, you weren't there.

I was only there for the Seth party.

Yeah.

There's this guy, Seth Dickfield, apparently, that's been doing the podcast

almost as much as us.

Well, yeah.

Yeah, he's around pretty often.

So, yeah, so

Stav just spent the weekend in Atlantic City.

Beautiful AC, baby.

Yeah, I was there on it.

It was a working trip.

I'm going to mention my erotic Instagram again.

I took a bunch of nude pictures on a public Jersey beach.

I just had my dick wagging in the sea.

Was it a nude beach?

No, it's just like a nerdy beach.

I feel like all beaches in Jersey are nude beaches.

They're all getting fingered beaches for sure.

They're all nude beaches.

You have to do steroids to go to them.

I had to do a lot of pull up.

The lifeguards wouldn't let you in the water unless you did 10 pull-ups on the lifeguard station.

What percentage of the male population of New Jersey do you think is on anabolic steroids?

Like a legitimate guess?

Yeah.

7%.

Is that less?

I'd say it's much higher than that.

You You think so?

7% is a good amount of people.

Yeah, but I think it's probably closer to like 72%.

Yeah, actually, thinking about it now, 72% sounds a lot.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

That's a lot about it.

72% of just the men or just are you talking everybody?

Men and women.

Yeah.

Babies.

Yeah.

Old ladies doing fucking

pull-downs.

Yeah.

Italians need testosterone.

Italians 100%.

Don't get me wrong.

Italians, they can't live without anabolic steroids.

They actually have a brain virus.

It makes them require trans fats and anabolic steroids.

The steroids, they dilate their fucking shitty, clogged arteries from living off gnocchi and

ragu sauce.

Gravy.

Gravy.

That's so fucking stupid.

We've been meaning to have like an Italian bashing episode for a while.

You know what?

And maybe I'm being a little bit unfair to Italians, but in an age where you're not really allowed to be racist anymore,

you can still be racist towards Italians.

Oh, anything you say, I can't stand when an Italian's like, hey, whoa, come on, man.

I'm Italian.

It's like, no, but get the fuck out of here.

Well, the reason it's like they'll never be able to stop that is because, you know, with other minority groups, you know, like people, I remember when I was like a teenager, like, it's being racist towards black people has just never really been okay.

Right, right.

That one's always been off.

You could be really racist for the beginning of this country, but after that.

No, I mean, in the last like since i've been alive oh that one's always been a flipper in greek town baltimore maryland it's it's always been very uh i think in most community in half of the communities in america it's been okay but i know what you're saying though well i'm saying that i remember being uh like 12 and i remember thinking like huh it's weird that you're like you know it's like really messed up if you said something like if you used a racial slur towards a black person but I can spend all day being like, yeah, Chinese guys got tiny dicks.

And it's just funny.

And they laugh at it.

And I say it to their faces.

And they smile.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They smile, man.

Yeah, right.

Play chopsticks.

What happened was, is eventually Asian people got angry and, you know, with Sue Park and all, you know,

Arthur Chu, who does, you know, to be fair, have a very tiny dick.

So I don't know.

That is true.

We don't want to

slander him.

He does have

a really tiny dick.

He is an extremely small dick.

So for legal purposes, we're not going to have to say that.

Just disclaiming.

legally arthur chew has a very

very small dick microscopic it's like a match head uh it's just a little red match head dick it's the same color as that's how he fucks he strikes it

he has to rub it against a pubic man

you know pop noise i've i've finished i've finished sex

um

but you know but it's racist you yeah and they but they got angry and that's why people don't make you know asian jokes anymore they cancel Colbert shit.

As misguided as it was, that shit wound up working.

I think it did.

But why Italians will never be able to do that is because they're already angry.

There's no nothing.

Yeah, they can't get angrier.

They're like the Hulk.

They could do like the Sopranos.

They're the Hulk in the sense that they like to wear shitty purple clothes.

Dude, talking about, I have an anecdote about my

not knowing that you can't be racist because I grew up around a bunch of fucking animal Greek people who fucking

just were the worst people on earth.

Like, I remember a life lesson one of my friends' dads taught me.

Well, the Greeks are just Italians without any industry.

Right, but but like a much, we we've been really coasting on democracy for forever.

Like, that's what we got.

Um,

but like this fucking guy, he's a piece of shit.

His name is Haralambos

Haralambos Haralambopoulos,

which is such a fucking stupid name.

He's just one of the worst people I've ever met in my fucking life.

Like a lesson he gave his son was the worst thing, the worst thing a man can be.

Number one, a gambler, number two, a faggot.

That's like at his son's 16th birthday party.

Lessons he's just telling all his male friends, you know?

Well, that was okay.

Again, like homophobia was fine until, like, honestly, people think it's like...

No, it was three years ago.

Yeah, three years ago, probably.

I remember I I was thinking about, I was driving behind one of those,

like a scooter, like a Piaggio scooter.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I remembered in Vice City, which, like, Grand Theft Auto of Vice City, which came out in like 2002 or something.

Right, right.

Yeah, yeah.

Middle school, I think.

Yeah, the name of that bike was like the Faggio.

And the joke was like, because it's for faggots.

Here's a video game for children where we literally call people faggots.

Right, right.

Well, for children, you're getting your dick sucked in the back seat and all this shit.

Yeah, but it's, you know, you can't see it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're right.

It's counts.

But no, I know homophobia is good, but

I'm painting the picture of the kind of people I grew up around.

So when I got to middle school,

I thought it would be a funny joke to tell my friends

who was wearing Tommy Hill figure,

hey, nice Tommy Hill N-word.

You know what I mean?

Just say it.

It's fine.

I'll bleep it later.

You're not going to believe it.

There's no way.

What you're going to do is isolate it and just play the clip over and over again.

Yeah, that's the new theme song.

And these fucking Jews from Northwest Baltimore were horrified.

Immediately snitched on me.

Immediately told all these black kids.

And they were like, and luckily I was in the nerd class.

So the one black kid in it was

very meek and shit.

But if they had told

just any other kid, and they were good.

Luckily, they didn't have any.

I had more black friends than they did.

And if they had

any non-nerd black friends, I would have been fucked in that school.

But yeah, that's what I thought was acceptable coming out of fucking the Greek community.

Very, very good.

Well, it's just a bad joke.

You know, I mean, if it had been a better end.

I don't think it was.

I don't think that's what.

That's why you offended those Jews because you offended their humor sensibilities.

Yeah, you're right.

They're all writing for a fucking Fallon right now.

Yeah, they're all

Emmy award-winning.

They came up with Smashing.

Anyway, whatever.

Smashing what?

Eggs on your head.

Oh,

we should plug this.

Last week you said national slampoons in conversation.

That was a good one.

Yeah, thank you.

National slampoons.

I haven't decided what to do with that.

I'll probably just tweet it out eventually right now, actually.

Do you want to talk about because we don't really have to fill that much time?

We got a decent chunk with Bonnie, and it's great.

It's

the second half is definitely going to be the part you're going to be doing.

You don't really just fucking

send me criticism and say, well, the last one, someone keeps like DMing me and they're like, you got to tell that other guy to stop laughing.

Oh, me?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Fuck you, man.

Hey, buddy.

Suck my dick, pal.

Yeah.

That's what I got to say to you.

Which, no, I don't.

We don't have to just don't.

I mean, continue to subscribe to the podcast, but don't listen to it.

If you got a problem, pal, rate us five stars, subscribe, and then don't listen to the podcast.

That's what I got for you.

Thank you very much.

Please give us money and buy the t-shirts when they come out.

Yeah.

there's just gonna be t-shirts we've cummed on.

Yeah, so Harambe the Gorilla.

Harambe.

Oh, man.

What a name.

That story.

Harambe sounds like a thing a racist calls a black person.

Well, pretty much every ape at the zoo.

They give it a name.

Because that's the one place you're allowed to be a racist still, is at the zoo.

The guy who names the animals at the zoo is like, can we call this one?

Oh,

yeah, I'm sorry, I'm not that creative.

I forgot that we were recording this.

I just remembered my own story.

I thought you were about to bring, yeah, I thought you were about

you had a very similar moment to me seven minutes ago on the podcast.

This, the name of this episode is just going to be the letter N with a bunch of asterisks after it, and then a comma, and then another N with a bunch of asterisks.

But yeah, I know that Harambe story was great because I love that people are like, well, he was, he was, it looked like he was protecting that little boy.

It's like, you're protecting him from what?

Like, you know, the other gorillas.

It's like, oh, okay.

So, yeah, that was the one that wasn't the problem.

And it's also like, just imagine the outrage if the one zookeeper had been loading the gun, and then another zookeeper was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Let's see how this plays out.

Yeah, let's see what happens here with this.

Oh, okay.

That little boy's dead.

So that's my fault.

My bad.

Sorry.

Yeah, that's fucking hilarious.

Everyone's like,

you killed a beautiful, majestic ape.

Yeah.

And then, you know what?

I was having so much fun making fun of Harambe on Twitter, and then that piece of shit, Muhammad Ali, had to die.

Oh, no.

And ruined that story.

Can you believe it, dude?

He did it to take away.

Very selfish.

Yeah, that selfish piece of shit.

Of you trolling.

I like how everyone I know now is suddenly an expert on Muhammad Ali.

I love that, too.

It's like, and not the usual stuff where it's like just a link.

Everyone is posting their own, like three-paragraph Facebook status.

It's like, yeah, he was fucking cool.

Muhammad Ali was tight.

I loved him.

Like, I liked him.

But he didn't fucking affect.

There's no way he affected you that way.

And also, you're a white guy from the fucking...

I mean, maybe if you're like a black dude who was growing up in that era or around there, you know.

But there was just a lot of white guys from like suburbs that were like...

Changed race relations, man.

It's like that guy did not help your life at all.

He made your life a little worse, actually.

Thinking about it, I was surprised he was still alive, actually.

He was one of those guys that I didn't, I assumed, was dead.

You know what blew my mind when Rosa Parks died?

Like,

yeah, right?

When Rosa Parks died?

Yeah, I thought she was Harriet Tubman for a while.

Yeah, yeah.

I was like, what do you mean, like 100 years ago?

It was also funny because it's like, yeah, it's sad that he died and everything.

But then you see what he looked like.

And it's like, oh, we should cancel boxing.

No one should box.

This is the greatest boxer ever.

And he can't fucking raise his hand.

Like, it looks like like a fucking.

Well, there's zero evidence that Parkinson's came from boxing.

You know,

all the times he got punched in the head repeatedly probably had nothing to do with that.

Totally.

CTE is a lie.

It doesn't exist.

Watch the NFL, folks.

Watch us pay black people to hurt each other for our amusement.

I wonder, though, with Parkinson's, like, is it one of those things where, like, you know how, like, so if you have ADD and you take Adderall, it calms you down.

But if you don't have ADD and you take Adderall, it, you know, speed

ramps you up.

So I'm thinking, like, with Parkinson's, you know, if you're just a guy and you're a boxer for 20 years and you get Parkinson's later in life, if you're a guy like Michael J.

Fox, who never boxed, if we just beat the fuck out of him repeatedly, just smash him over the head with baseball bats,

could we save Michael J.

I think so, dude?

There's only one way to find out.

Yeah, we're doing a show called Bat to the Future.

They say hit him in the back of the head with a baseball bat to save Michael J.

Fox.

Did you see them on Fallon?

I don't know if it's Fallon.

You know what?

It might have been Kimmel.

They had

somebody on the show.

They had them on

and they come out, and fucking Christopher Lloyd is like demented.

He's old as shit.

He's like, where are we?

You know, and he's like, we're in the future.

He's like, no, literally, where are we?

Are we doing the sketch now?

When are we on, Michael?

How old am I?

Does anyone know where my car keys are?

Yeah, it was like hard to watch because you thought you would feel bad for Michael J.

Fox, who's dying.

But it's Christopher Lloyd, who should have been dead like 30 years ago.

Oh, yeah.

Because he was already.

You remember how old he looked

in one flew over the cuckoo nest.

Oh, yeah, the cuckoo's nest.

Not even.

Yeah, that was 70, whatever.

75?

I don't know.

I have no idea.

You don't know?

I don't know.

I'm usually pretty good with that.

Movie years.

I want to say 76, but that's on.

That's just because you said 75.

I want to say a different number, but close to it.

I'm betting that you're kind of close, and I want to steal that.

Okay, that'd be good.

All right.

Well,

that's probably it.

That's good.

Yeah.

That's good.

So we did our duty.

Yeah.

Apologies to Adam, who we had to cut out of this one.

We were going to.

Well, honestly, like.

This one, you know what?

I did it.

It was my fault the last time that Adam couldn't do the podcast.

Like, it was a scheduling issue on my end.

But this time it was Stop's fault.

He said,

I don't want to wait for Adam to show off.

Yeah, fuck Adam is my stance.

Nick said it too off-mic earlier.

I did.

He was like.

I say a lot of things off mic that we're not going to.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Fuck Adam, et cetera, et cetera.

Yeah, no, stay tuned.

We got Bonnie McFarland on the bottom.

Bonnie McFarland's great.

It's great.

And please don't ever unsubscribe to this podcast.

We need it, bitch.

We have a a list of the people that are subscribed already.

If I see your name drop off, there will be consequences.

Stay tuned.

No little cinnamon gum freshens breath longer than big red.

So kiss a little longer.

Stay close a little longer.

Hold tight a little longer.

Longer with big red.

Let big red freshness last night through it.

Your fresh breath goes on and on.

While you chew it, say goodbye a little longer.

Hey, we're back from break.

So, is that what we're doing?

Yeah, we're gonna do this.

So, this one is the second half of the podcast that we're so we're still not starting.

No, we're starting.

This is on waste.

I don't want to waste like really good things.

Oh, we're starting, baby.

I think

it's like sometimes in real life, like I'll have a really clever thing to say, and I just won't do it because there's no mic.

Clever Clever to go now.

This is

worth it.

Well, we're back from break.

I mean, it's going to be edited.

Back from break in quotes.

We're recording the second half of the podcast first, doing a little non-linear trick.

Oh, shit, dude.

Don't tell me.

And we have a guest.

So you have to keep listening.

When you guys told me the name of the podcast was Come Town, I said, You can't keep me away.

That's Bonnie McFarlane,

famous comedian.

Great comedian.

That's central.

Yeah.

Who are Googling right now, really?

Yeah.

She's got a movie.

She's a R-R-L-A-N-E.

A book.

So a comedian slash bookmaker slash comedian.

I like to think of myself as the filmmaker, an author,

an author.

A wife, a mother,

and a comedian.

It's like that song, like the

I'm a bitch.

And also, I'm a bitch.

I like that you are sitting there.

Bonnie is far away from us.

She's on the other side of the room.

I know.

Well, that's because

this is sort of like a boys-centric podcast.

Yeah, it's an alpha male podcast.

It's an alpha male.

We're live in the Anthony Cumius studio.

You guys still are doing binary gender coding.

Oh, yeah, for sure.

There's only two genders.

Actually, there's only one gender, male, and then I don't pay attention to whatever else is going on.

You're homosocial.

Yeah, that's absolutely right.

Is that the science name for human beings?

Homosocial is when you're not gay, gay, but you only enjoy hanging out with men.

Oh, really?

You may have sex with women, but

I think my husband's homosocial.

That's how I know the term.

Isn't that metrosexual?

What happened to metrosexual?

It's almost the opposite of that.

Exactly.

Because metrosexuals appear gay.

But are not.

Yeah, but are not.

We'll still fuck women.

But I sound like...

I'm a female dite.

That's a good word.

I don't know exactly what it means, but I feel like...

I don't fuck myself.

But I feel like it's a matter of time.

I always feel like you can, you know, we're in a time in this world where you can just use any word you want.

And if you don't know exactly what it means, it's probably like 90% of the population also.

But that doesn't know what it means.

That's right, folks.

Anti-intellectualism.

That's our topic today.

We're actually so pro-anti-intellectualism, we don't know anything on this podcast.

Yeah, I'm not wearing sleeves.

I'm going sleeves.

Nick is wearing sleeves.

You both very much look like

you are the poster guys for anti-intellectualism and homo-socialism.

I feel like everybody should be anti-intellectualism.

Because how much of a piece of shit do you have to be to describe yourself as an intellectual?

Well, I do a lot of reading.

Yeah, reading is.

You guys both wear glasses and yet cannot read.

That's true.

That is a

ironic.

Fuck, we got to lose these.

Yeah.

I'm not reading, that's for sure.

The glasses got to go.

I do like the style of your glasses, which I tried to find and I couldn't.

I'll give you a tip: Zenny.com.

They're an official sponsor, Zenny.com.

This is like a Greek website that's

going to steal your credit cards.

Z-E-N-I.

Z-E-N-N-I.

These glasses were $7.

That's why I, when I first got it.

But hey, that's the thing about glasses.

Like the frames were $7.

It's still going to be hundreds of dollars.

I legitimately with your brain.

Can I test your glasses?

Do you mind?

Please throw them over here.

I can't get it.

No, they're very durable.

They're light and durable.

Oh, and they do have a prescription in them.

Yeah, I'm not one of these assholes that has

very popular now.

I remember the first time I saw somebody with just the frames and plastic lenses, and they were like.

Cat was doing that for a while.

There could be nothing more to do.

She still does it?

Cat Timp still wears fake glasses on Fox News.

So if you ever see a cat on Fox News, she's wearing fake glasses.

Oh, why?

It's a style thing.

To look at

it.

I do sometimes

roll around in a wheelchair.

I don't know.

That's a great bit.

That's a great style choice.

Well, you say that, but people

did have

canes because they look cool.

That was the pimp culture.

Thank you for breaking down my joke.

Well, I'm sorry, but nothing funnier than taking apart a joke.

I'm just trying to introduce some tidbits into

two things.

Well, actually, 1904 was the highest sale of canes in the country.

When I was a teenager, I knew this big fat guy, Justin, that started walking with a cane with a skull on it.

Hell yeah.

Oh, my God.

Does he still have it?

Well, people don't know.

But it was a spell Jason with a Y.

Yeah,

it was Justin.

It had a secret compartment that he would keep cigarettes in in the cane.

Oh, fuck, yes.

But people made fun of him for it, obviously.

But they didn't know about the cigarettes on it.

Yeah, well,

they didn't know about the dynamics.

How cool it actually was.

But yeah, so they made fun of him for it.

So then he was pretending like he actually needed the cane because he was so fat.

And it's like,

it was his slippers.

Like, that's better.

Like, no, no, no.

I'm not a douchebag with terrible style.

I'm medically obese and I cannot walk.

Well, you get those scooters, right?

I think you get a discount on those scooters

if you have like a medical.

So they just have to call up and be like, well, what's your problem?

It's like, I'm fat.

And then they go.

Shit, really?

Well, that's who those are for.

You can't get a scooter.

I I mean, you could, but nobody's riding around.

No able-bodied people are riding around those scooters.

Right.

The scooter is for the able-bodied

fat person.

This is a non-ableist podcast.

Have you ever read the reviews about that movie, Me Before You or You Before Me or whatever?

Me, Myself, and Irene.

No, there's a movie that's come out called You Before Me, and it's about a guy who is

been in an accident now.

He's paralyzed, I don't know, from the waist down or the neck down, I'm not sure.

But

some woman comes to take care of him, and of course, they fall in love.

But he's made a pact with himself or with his parents that he wants to kill himself.

And his parents said, Wait six months.

Because that's what parents do when you want to kill yourself.

They say, You know what?

That's what parents do with like PlayStation.

On this, you know, like, I really want PlayStation.

Wait six months.

And then in summer, we'll get you PlayStation.

See how you feel.

Why don't you wait until your brother kills himself?

And they see if you still want to do it.

And then this woman, they fall in love, but then they still have to kind of check in on, you know, so they do something fun together.

I don't know what, like, she

rolls him through the sand.

That would be hard.

And

probably like something aparquet for her.

She sets his feet on fire.

And he's like, is the moon making bacon?

But then he has to always be like, we're in love.

Yeah.

He's like, well, well, I'm still going to kill myself.

And then it's like, that would be awesome.

What movie is that?

I don't know.

It's called You Before Me or Me Before You, but it gets like, it's been getting like really hilarious reviews and stuff because it's a terrible idea for a movie to be like, well, first of all, if you're handicapped, then

what else are you going to do?

You're going to kill yourself.

That's great.

We should watch it.

We should have a sister review podcast.

We should.

Have you seen the remake of Rear Window with Christopher Reeves?

No.

It's really funny.

Really?

Because it's right after his accident.

I think it's the first movie he made after his accident.

Oh,

he's playing in a wheelchair and he really is in a wheelchair.

Oh, yeah.

Well, he's like completely fucked up.

Jesus.

You know, because it was like, I think it might have been.

Oh, my God.

It's kind of genius.

How could it not have worked?

Well, they were like,

we need to be able to put Christopher in a movie.

And they're like, oh, perfect.

We'll remake Rear Window.

They just go through their list of movies with handicap people, and they're like, well, there's only been one.

So I guess that's the one we'll do.

Yeah.

Now he could do the remake of You Before Me.

Right, right.

Yeah, he could be.

Ranimate him.

Well, at the end, he's like, you know, the killer comes in and he just struggles.

Well, he just like disconnects his breathing.

And then Christopher Reeves shows off.

They use the movie to show off Christopher Reeves' like newfound ability to swallow air into his lungs like a fish.

He was, you know, he does this, like, man, it's not going to translate on the podcast, but he does this weird, like, like,

like, weird, gross, you know,

like, uh, filthy, disgusting.

But there's like a guy on set that's like,

okay, he's really dying.

Yeah,

wait, blink at us if you're just dressed like an animal trainer, baby.

The polo shirt tucked into the khaki shorts.

Okay, that's enough.

I shot a commercial, and they had like a specially trained dog that was this little dog, like a lunchbox that had to like run in and then sit down or whatever.

And of course, it was like a lesbian in the blockbuster employee outfit that like took care of it.

But really, like sometimes they're very like

that's their power in life.

And so they're very like, oh,

I've got to get this dog out.

Totally, yeah.

Yeah.

Excuse me.

Don't pet the dog.

Thank you.

Yeah.

That is all they have.

That's everyone, though.

Everyone who's

any manager of anything is always, I feel like, really flexes their power, whatever they have.

Do you guys think SeaWorld's going to come back from all the blackfish blackfish controversy?

Do you think people are going to forget about that?

Oh.

I don't think so, actually.

No.

Well, my daughter wanted to go to SeaWorld, and of course, I try not to do anything with my daughter.

And so I just showed her the movie, and then she was like, I don't want to.

What are you going to do when there's like, when she wants to do something wholesome?

Well, she wanted to go camp this year.

My daughter's eight or something.

And

she

never went to camp before because I'm virtually unemployed.

Right, right.

I mean,

I'm a famous comedian, but that means nothing.

So I signed her up for camp this year and she wanted to go to robotics camp.

Oh, whoa, you got a nerd on your hands.

She's so dumb.

And it's like, how is that going to help you in life?

You know what I mean?

Don't you want to get good at like frisbee or something?

Robotics camp, that's for boys, though.

You can't send it.

Well, here's the thing: is that all the pictures show boys, but they have a class that's specifically for girls, which normally I wouldn't be into this, but then I started to worry that she wasn't going to have friends, so I said, I'll just sign you up for the girls.

But the girls is only 10 and up, so she has to go to the gotta go in the boys' club, break that glass ceiling.

I said, Is it going to be okay if there's all boys?

And she was like, Yeah, we'll talk about Minecraft.

She's pretty cool.

Minecraft is

virtual Legos, right?

That's essentially,

and you can make them do shit.

Do you didn't think Legos were nerdy enough.

They're like, how can we get computers involved?

Well, because they go into each other's worlds, they're friends, and then they like...

She's got her phone on FaceTime,

but they never see each other.

They don't care.

They're seeing each other.

And then they just sit the FaceTime phone there, and then they're yelling at each other while they're doing

in their other worlds.

I have a grown man friend that plays Minecraft.

Do you you know Blake Midget?

Also,

one of

Blake Midget.

I think you should change it to Little Person.

Oh, no, it just doesn't feel right.

He's so lucky that he gets to say Midget, just like.

Well, you can say it.

I mean, we're not going to pretend like that's a slur anyone

can really do anything about.

You're not supposed to.

You're supposed to say little person and then whisper Midget right now.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Everyone knows.

That's a joke from my act.

I'm a professional comedian.

You just

whisper like this with your hand under your mouth.

Yeah, right, right.

You set it aside and you go to the bottom.

I stepped over a midget one time when I was leaving a classroom in community college.

He was like, he was sitting by the side.

He was not bent over anything.

He was squatting.

So he only had a clearance of like two feet.

This is, I think, like a teachable moment.

I didn't know they could squat.

I stepped over him completely.

And I didn't realize how insulting that was until afterwards.

To completely just walk over top of another human being.

Right.

But you had to get somewhere.

You're like, oh, I got another class.

You didn't mean it.

You weren't intentionally being a dick.

Well, maybe partially.

Yeah, you definitely were.

There was an impulse in afterwards.

You did put your balls in his mouth.

I did.

Well, that's part of walking over somebody.

Once you realize you can do that, you got to fucking teabag.

So true.

Okay, well,

what do you got?

What do I got?

We're really good at podcasting.

It's like, it's really, we don't plan anything, and then

I find that hard to believe.

This is a good thing.

I had a couple of things.

Oh, you know what?

Here, we'll have to.

Coming along at quite a pace.

Did you, did you?

I had something, but go ahead.

No, I wanted because I was thinking, I wanted to talk about, did you see the story about the swimmer kid at Stanford?

Yes.

Oh, God, six months.

I can't.

I try not to see that story.

Did you see the letters from that?

Yes, of course.

It's like every woman I know posted it.

Yeah.

Read this powerful letter.

This is a must-read.

Well, no, it's great.

The letter the girl wrote is probably the best thing that's ever been written on BuzzFeed.

Unfortunately, someone had to get raped for them to produce anything that's

entertaining.

Out of pain comes great dogs.

What kind of gifts did they use for that when I didn't see the BuzzFeed?

The dad was kind of crazy.

Oh my god, the dad.

The dad's hilarious, dude.

I didn't believe that.

I love when he describes it.

One moment of

20 minutes of action, bro.

Jesus Christ.

Calling like fucking action is already worse than rape.

That's what I feel.

Like action is something you do in the back of like a panel van with like a mural on the side, you know?

You have to have like fucking like, there's got to be like a wizard on top of a mountain, airbrushed on the side of the van, and then you fuck in that van, and that's what action is.

Yeah, that was fucking horrendous.

What did he post that on, too?

Like, what was he expecting to happen?

Like, people to read that and be like, oh, he's

right.

One

minor mistake in life.

How did I, I didn't follow the case until the letters.

Um, but so, how did how did it come out?

Well, well, the girl went, she knew she was passed out, right?

She was passed out.

She was caught.

Like, he was like fucking her underneath or fingering her behind a dumpster.

Jesus Christ.

Which, like,

how did you go find a dumpster, even?

You know,

he dragged her out to the dumpster.

She was out behind a dumpster.

Like,

yeah.

And he was fingering her behind a dumpster, and these two Swedish guys

who they said were biking.

They said they were riding.

I don't know if they said they were riding bicycles, but obviously it was like a heroin or something.

Well,

I'm hoping it was two Swedish guys on like one of those double bicycles

For the second I thought, you're going to tell me that

you don't know the sex act bicycling.

Hans, come on.

Yeah, tools feed the skies

just out for a double bicycle ride at three o'clock in the morning.

Okay, so they caught him.

Yeah, they caught him like, you know, dry humping.

They were like, hello, are you okay?

And then he ran off.

That's crazy because I don't know that I would have stopped to see if the girl was okay.

Like, it would be hard in the dark, I think.

Well, come on, we're We're New Yorkers.

We don't stop for people if they're.

I stepped over a midget.

I mean, that's the kind of guy I am.

That's what you do in New York.

You see somebody being hurt, you say, it's none of my business.

Only in New York.

Well, I did call the cops once.

Did you?

I saw these two guys dragging a girl into a taxi cab.

Jesus.

Like, literally, like,

her shoe fell off.

That's how.

And they had to go back and get it.

Like, dragging her.

And I yelled and I was running down the street, but they got in the cab and took off.

So I just called the cops.

But I have no idea what happened after that.

Yeah, she is in Mississippi right now.

Human trafficking.

Maybe they were helping her.

It's totally possible that they were friends of hers.

They did say we're her friend when I was younger.

Oh, well, then.

So therefore.

Definitely were not going to be able to.

I let it go.

I said, all right.

The cops show up and she's like, different names, but I believe one was saying her first name and one was saying her middle name.

We had that happen.

I was at my apartment complex, and there was some guy like beating his girlfriend in the parking lot, like across.

She was in her car, and he's like punching the window and kicking the car.

We had to like yell at him and run over and call the cops and shit.

So, I guess, like, you know, like a minimal level of

doing the right thing.

Yeah, no, you do something.

I think you do something.

I don't know.

I mean, yeah, if you saw that, maybe, yeah, you would just check to say, like, hey, are you a guy?

You should ask what her name is.

If they say it's her friend, you know, she, and then say, well, they did their ID or something.

Yeah, they did that.

They asked the Swedish guys, they're like, Do you, do you know her name?

I think that something like that.

And then he didn't know.

He couldn't make something up at that point.

He was terrible at improv.

His story.

His story changed like three times.

And

I guess the testimony from the Swedes, because their identity is in public.

Right.

Although they could have their own show right now if they played their cards right.

Yeah.

Fucking heroes.

It's actually

stoppers and a yellow tandem by the Property Brothers.

That's why no one knows their identity.

It's because the property brothers stopped that rape.

Well, there's those three girls that stopped.

I'm Jason Property, and this is my brother, Michael Property.

We stopped.

We're opposite.

And we've never killed.

I was saying, I like to imagine that the property brothers, they have no genitals, but they share a bed with each other.

You do a lot of imagining.

I do.

About the property.

When he says imagining, he means I like to beat off to the property brothers.

How is that even a beating off thing?

That's not even a thing.

We we don't know.

Everybody has a different thing.

Everybody needs to be.

And by the way, you jumping to a defense and you're twitching.

Your leg is twitching right now.

Because bright red.

If he storms out, we bought him.

I already did a storming out bit on the last podcast, so I can't storm out.

I wish you would storm out.

Yeah, that would be pretty funny.

That would be an awkward podcast for the rest of this.

I think we could fill, you know.

I had to leave on the last one

because

Adam just started making dinner while we were recording.

And I got annoyed.

Yeah, we'll probably trash Adam at the beginning of this.

Yeah, we'll get.

Well, Adam's going to be on the beginning of this podcast.

Who's Adam?

Adam's the third guy on the podcast.

Oh, I don't see him.

Yeah, you guys do?

We don't see him.

He's been talking this whole time.

He doesn't know the lulls.

I see.

Yeah, we were confused when you were talking about lulz.

Adam was giving a beautiful soliloquy.

I thought we were just going to do it right now afterwards.

Yeah, we're going to do it after.

We're going to go record the first half of this podcast after this one this is that way we get this part done with right get me out of the way right yeah yeah yeah we'll get our friend our name our friend adam with no credits yeah our other the other we fuck up a lot so it's like easy if we have more wiggle room to you know yell at adam and i think we're doing great though we're doing fine this is this is going fine

all the dead spots we add in tim allen's grunt noise

yeah that's something like that yeah that's how it works so what projects do you know he's still alive Yeah, like I didn't see one of the Christmas movies last year out, and I was like, I was so worried about him, but I guess he just stopped doing it.

Well, if you know, if he if he dies, he wasn't like Santa dog.

Yeah, if he dies, whoever kills him becomes Tim Allen.

Oh,

so he's the Tim Allen clause.

Yeah, yeah.

It's been four people since we've been, since I've been alive.

Yeah, I mean, he's only like, he's only like 63 years old.

Tim Allen?

Yeah, he's older than that.

No, he's not.

We're never going to look it up, but I bet you he is.

He was 27 in 1970.

How do you know that?

Because he went to prison.

He went to prison when he was 27 or some shit for by the movie shit.

Did you know that story, the Tim Allen story?

Yeah.

I've met Tim Allen, okay.

Oh, yeah.

I've been in the same room with him.

I may or may not have played pool with him.

I don't remember.

You were a co-conspirator in his fucking, when he was selling.

Selling what was it, Coke?

It was co-Coke.

Tim Allen age.

We're about to motherfucking find out.

Well, that's.

I don't think it's that.

Can I guess?

Yeah.

I'm going to say 58.

58?

You think he's younger than that?

I think he's probably like 63.

Yeah, well, guess what, you idiot?

He's 62.

You're wrong as shit.

Oh, my God.

But I didn't go over.

So I feel like I'm going to be able to get one.

I'm going to have Price's right rules.

You get to fuck Tim Allen though.

You want to.

Doom.

Maybe I already did.

She did say she met him.

No, well, I'll stop talking shit on Tim Allen, man.

I'm sorry.

Where did you meet Tim Allen?

Well,

we had the same manager, so we were at a party at our manager's once, and then he was at the improv once.

Did he ever describe Wilson's body to you?

Yes.

I always imagine that.

He did a police drawing for me, so I was one of the first people to know what he was doing.

It's actually underneath the fence,

it's a severed head being held up by the Property Brothers.

That's what I like to imagine.

And they're working the mouth.

That's nice.

They got a lot of Property Brothers deep cuts.

Well, my girlfriend watches that show all the time.

Girlfriend.

Yeah, it's me.

It's just me.

I sit at home and I watch a property brothers all day.

Oh, I thought she watched the Tim Allen show.

I was like, that's so weird.

Well, we actually can't.

Yeah, we can't.

Property Brothers now makes more.

She seems like a real person now.

Before, I was like, I think he's making her up.

Yeah.

She's a very real, very disappointed person.

Yeah, for legal reasons, we can't acknowledge that Tim Allen has like a TV show on this podcast.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

It's like a copyright issue.

Yeah, we're embroiled in some litigation,

unfortunately.

So what do you have coming out, project-wise?

Anything big?

It's rude.

Is it?

What do you mean, is it rude?

Well, when does this air?

Tomorrow.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, tomorrow night I'm doing a big show at the Village Underground,

taping it live for Sirius.

It's a lot of really good

people on it.

I'm not actually supposed to say what the show is about, but I feel like not enough people will hear this to make a difference.

But we're doing a game show called Would You Bang Him?

Oh, no.

We were going to call it Would You Fuck Him, but then I just felt like it was a little too harsh.

I know we agree.

You should always name things like

you shouldn't be harsh.

You shouldn't be explicit in your name.

Yeah, right?

I mean,

it's going on serious.

You can say it, but just because you can.

Doesn't mean you should.

That's right.

Yeah.

It's going to be

Dan Soder, Mike Vecchion, Big J,

Dave Smith,

Pete Lee,

somebody else.

I'm missing somebody.

So they're going to compete, and then we have four female judges: Carmen Lynch,

Annie Letterman,

Emily Tarver, and Marina Franklin are the judges.

And so then the guys come out and they do five minutes of stand-up, and then the judges decide if they would fuck them or not.

So shouldn't that kind of be called have you already fucked them?

Do you think?

Because I feel like, yeah.

Shouldn't that be the name of the day?

We could work that in.

So Rich is going to host it, and I'm going to be the.

That's great.

I like it.

That's cool.

I like it.

It's nice color commentary on it.

Yeah,

it does a lot to speak to the patriarchy, which I just learned about this week.

You did?

From a shirt, yeah.

I saw somebody wearing a shirt, and someone asked me about it.

Right.

I know all about Flipping the Patriarchy.

I have an erotic Instagram account that we do.

He plugs his Instagram account.

We haven't talked about it enough on the podcast.

I feel like that's a better name for it.

What's that?

Flipping the Patriarchy.

Flipping the patriarchy.

We should change guys.

Well, we wanted to do it.

You know the guys we fucked podcast?

Yes.

So we wanted to do guys they fucked.

Yes.

So we're the guys.

Yeah.

But I don't

fucked either of them.

I haven't either.

But it would be rude.

I fucked them both.

Did you?

Oh, nice.

They should judge.

You should have them as guest judges for this.

Well, I mean, we could.

I want it to be a regular thing, but we'll see if it happens.

The last one we did was a huge success.

Those are all pretty fuckable guys, though, on that lineup.

Yeah, no blacks.

So

I think that's what you're getting at.

Well, you should throw one in there where it's just.

Michael Ch was going to come, and I don't know what happened to him.

Who would have done that?

And now we have no diversity.

Who's the guy that's just completely unfuckable that you could put, like besides Stav, that you can put

it in?

Pretty cute.

Well, you'd have to see what your stand-up.

You know, the premise is that supposedly, you know, a funny guy, that's what women want, a good sense of humor.

So we're going to put it to the test.

Okay.

I like that.

That's, you know what?

It's funny.

It's like it's the male version of The Naked Show, where you have to showcase the thing that makes you talkable.

I don't know that if this was reversed, that any women would say yes to it.

I mean, I guess there's some women that would.

Would you do The Naked Show?

Have you heard about it?

Never.

Of course not.

Never.

I don't do The Naked Show when I have sex.

I don't do The Naked Show ever.

No, I'm not.

Yeah, I've seen it once.

It's like incredible the turnout that that show gets.

Because people are just, that's at the end of the day, people just want to look at TV shows.

But are you into the comedy of it at all?

No, that's not a thing.

I think that's like a 9%.

I think it's 91%.

Even if you have funny comics on there, they're not going to be able to really do their material while completely naked.

Well, the girl's like, well, I just like, I got to get stage time.

I'm like, really?

Yeah.

That is.

There's another level there, I'm pretty pretty sure.

That's great.

Imagine sex trafficking yourself into the world of stand-up comedy.

Just low-level sexual kidnap yourself like Liam Neeson's daughter.

Well, I always ask this question, and I really don't know the answer, and it's

why

women who do stand-up still really like

try to be sexy.

And like,

you know, so many of them on their album covers, they're

naked, and then then they're like, pay attention to me as

a funny person, and I have like this clever mind, and then they're doing it to themselves.

Totally, objectively.

What a word.

They're objectifying themselves, right?

Yeah.

And then it's like feminism, but I don't understand.

Right.

Is it feminism or is it just like trying to get fucking money?

Yeah, I guess it probably is like.

Well, we're the experts.

I know.

I know.

I feel like I've come to the right place.

Supposedly.

I've asked this question many times to many people.

I don't know.

I guess you could say that it's empowering.

Because at this point, it's like, what isn't feminism, really?

You know, in terms of, I mean, it's like, as an ideology, it's like so thoroughly diluted through, you know,

culture at large.

Everyone's pretty much a feminist.

You have to make a decision to say, I'm not a feminist now.

Right.

If you're anybody that's having a conversation with anybody, at least online.

Right.

So.

Well, I was involved in some human trafficking for a while.

As a feminist,

I felt like I was taking them to a better place.

Well, actually,

these are feminist swastikas.

It goes in a different direction.

It's a little different than what you're thinking.

It's an ancient Indian symbol that means

I end the wage gap.

I know what you're saying, though, because there is a difference between like...

In theory, yes, like you should be able to dress however you want and

still be taken seriously.

But there is like a period.

I don't know.

It seems like it's a little bit of a.

Well, my husband put it this way.

He was like, you know, if your dentist, if you showed up and your dentist was like, you know, wearing like a low-cut shirt and her belly was showing, and even if she was super hot and you were like, oh my God, this is amazing.

This is my dentist.

You still wouldn't think you had the best dentist.

You'd never be like, I'm pretty sure.

Right, right.

Like, if you really had some dental work to get done, you'd go to a better dentist.

A frumpier dentist.

Yes, you'd you'd go to someone else.

A very kind Jewish guy.

Yes, like you're not going to go to the hot.

Like that's the same thing about stand-up.

It's like hotness really doesn't have anything.

It doesn't really help you.

Yeah, but it is still the entertainment industry.

So there's like if you're not.

Right, but if you're your whole thing is about bucking the system and getting into a business where it's male-dominated and fuck them.

I'm going to succeed.

And then you're like, okay, and then now just let me play the game exactly as it's already been written for thousands of years.

Like, that's no, absolutely.

I think you're right.

That you could, it's like,

especially when it's like you're choosing the thing that you want to represent you the most, like a special cover or like, you know, the material for like, you know, you, you, you do set a tone with that, and I agree with what you're saying.

Well, because it, because I get on one level, like, it works, it gets eyeballs on you, or whatever.

Right.

But on the other level, it's like, well,

so does marrying a rich guy and not working.

Like, so many things that are like sort of anti-feminism.

They work.

But it's not like helpful to the cause.

Then at the very least, don't present yourself, I think, as like some fucking

warrior for justice or whatever.

Yes.

Do you think male comedians should have to be jacked?

First of all, I don't like comedians that look normal at all.

Like, it's not my thing.

Like, even Dan Soder, to me, I feel like he's still got to overcome that.

He's got that giant head.

He looks too normal.

You know, he's like, okay.

Or, um, and I don't, I, when I see pretty people doing stand-up, it takes me so long to get behind it.

I can't take it.

Of both genders, too.

It's like

you can't be too hot and do stand-up.

If you work out all the time, and then you're like, what's his name?

For a long time, I just didn't like him.

No, Aaron.

Oh, Aaron.

Just completely based on the fact that I'm like, okay, well, you're so into working out.

Well, is he still, though?

Because he used to be like a competitive bodybuilder.

He still is like, he was wearing a sleeveless shirt the other day.

I've never seen him with sleeves.

I don't think so.

Yeah, I don't know what he's doing.

Yeah, he loves showing up.

He'll wear vests.

Like vests.

Like, the one thing he's got going for him is that he's odd looking.

Like, even though he works out all the time, like, he wears weird suit coats.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

He wears like Ed Hardy suits.

Yes, yes.

It's so true.

Oh, my God.

So it's like he's still like a little, you know what I mean?

Still like off.

Yeah.

Like, I think you should be a little off.

But you're a comedian.

Anyone who's like just,

it's, yeah, anyone who's like beautiful in

every category.

What about Rogan?

Because Rogan's huge.

Rogan, to me, fits his

thing.

Like his personality fits so well.

Like Rich, too, my husband.

His personality is like this New Jersey guy.

Like, it fits so well with how he looks that, you know, it's almost like it's a flaw

in and of itself.

Right.

You know whose body is perfect for their act?

Sean Rouse.

I don't know what he looks like anymore.

He has crippling arthritis.

Yes.

Okay.

He can barely stand up.

Isn't he like a fall-down drunk?

Sean Rouse is like my favorite dude.

I used to love him, and then I had too many encounters with him where he was just like a mean, horrible person.

Yeah, no, he's be like, I can't, I don't know who you're gonna, who I'm gonna meet up with.

Like, my friend Norman got him both.

And we're just gossiping about people that know what he's doing.

Yeah, yeah, no.

That's what happened.

We have a terrible podcast.

We told you.

It's bad.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Don't worry.

Whatever.

The rule with podcasts, you just do them.

You get people to subscribe.

And then if it's boring in the first 10 minutes, they don't listen to it, but they forget to delete the episode or unsubscribe.

And that's how you game the system and get up.

Oh, so that's what we're doing.

I get it.

Yeah, this is all just a

springtime.

This is all a career move.

This is the front for IT.

I don't know.

So we named it Come Town.

Well, again, I think that's smart.

I think, you know, everybody's like, that's a dumb name.

You're going to want to change it.

And it's a Hawaii.

Everyone will remember Come Town forever.

That's true.

Yeah, they'll remember not to hit play.

If you had

a name like Brookview or something, they'd be like, what is that again?

And they might.

That sounds like a shitty apartment conference.

That's my apartment.

That's my townhouse.

Yeah, I thought it just

had a gated community.

Yeah, it's a fence.

It's just a fence.

It's a weird where I live is like everything about it is

like out of a, like if you were going to make a TV show about like the friendliest town in the world, everything is named exactly.

Like there's a

suburban street.

It's crazy.

There's a suburban street.

It's just named suburban streets.

Yes.

It's just, it's just, it's too, it's so cliched.

It's crazy.

Who gets to name the streets in just like a fake suburb?

Prisoners, whoever's in the jail.

They make license plates and they name all the streets.

It's true.

I actually, I had a.

That's why there's so many Valdez streets.

Eddie Guerrero Memorial Drive.

Chris Benoit Drive.

Oh, shit.

So you live in central Jersey, right?

I do.

I live right in the very middle.

Very suburban.

In fact, our town is almost just houses.

Like, there's hardly anything.

There's obviously

supermarkets and post office and stuff, but it's not like a destination place.

Like, there's no mall.

Nobody comes.

So it's like a Philly suburb?

I don't know what that means.

Like a suburb of Philadelphia?

It's not.

It's not?

No, it's like an hour from Philly.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, it's an hour from New York, an hour from Philly.

It's like 10, 15 minutes from Princeton.

Oh, ooh.

That's where my daughter's taking her robotics.

That makes sense.

Were you guys friends with John Nash before he died?

Yeah.

We were like always hanging out.

Did you have you?

Have you ever seen the Not A Beautiful Mind, but there's like a, maybe it wasn't even a documentary, it was just like a short interview with.

So, you know, John Nash, Beautiful Mind.

Yes.

His son was also crazy, but like way worse.

But just stupid.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

But not like

GameStop.

Yeah, yeah.

He would jump out of windows and stuff.

But he was.

Yeah, the son was also like

a very good at math, yeah, but like very fucking crazy.

There's like a video of, I saw like an interview, and they're interviewing John, and John's like, you know, keeping it together barely in the living room.

And then the son's in the other room with these like ridiculous, giant

cowboy boots on.

Oh, that is some good crazy shit.

What, this is a documentary?

What it was like a short, yeah, I don't know if it was a documentary.

I mean, it was like an extended interview with John Nash and his family that I saw.

Maybe it was.

Because Because I think part of it, though, is that your kids, and this is just part of the experiment I'm doing with my own child, is that they just, they pick, they,

you know, when you, you know, when you went to school and you'd be like, oh my god, these, this kid is nuts.

And then you meet the parents and they're the exact same kind of nuts.

It's like they're growing up in that.

Yeah, but I mean, he has like schizophrenia.

The son.

He hears voices.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's both things.

It's like, it's the, the, the, what the parents create, and it's also that kid just got really unlucky and got all his dad basically.

Nature versus nurture.

Yeah, yeah.

What is it?

That's the second hour of this.

We're going to open up.

Nature versus nurture.

Yeah.

So now we can go to the next one.

Because my daughter's really good at joke writing.

Like, she's a very, very good joke writing.

Oh, really?

Do you want to hear one of the jokes that she wrote?

She wrote this joke when she was maybe six years old.

Let's hear it.

She said, Is that because you just don't know how old she is?

I know.

I was like, is it five?

She said, you go on stage and you're in a wheelchair and you've got like a neck brace on and your arms in a cast and you go up to the mic and you go to the audience.

You should feel sorry for me.

I'm married.

That is a great joke.

That's a great joke.

So you're teaching your daughter to hate men at a young age.

That's what I got.

She sees what happens in the family.

That's cool.

There is some like nine-year-old girl that's like...

Oh, I hate kids.

I just really hate kid entertainers of almost across the board.

Well, because it's so, they almost definitely don't want to do it like themselves.

They're just like

comic-minded.

We're all a kid in D.C.

It's like what you're watching is their stupid parent.

Exactly.

Like that, you really think they're sitting down and writing their dumb jokes every day?

We have a child comedian friend, this kid, Brandon Wardell.

He's like 13 or 14, and his parents have to write all of his messages.

He has to write all his tweets.

His parents have all his tweets.

His parents are in pop tweets from Black Twitter.

There was this girl, and I think she's still around, but obviously she's probably like 10 years older now, but maybe she was like 16 at the time.

And

she would come to the improv and do stand-up.

And she was like kind of cute,

but with tons of makeup, short skirt, high heels.

Like, people, I don't get it.

I don't get why you would send your daughter up on stage.

And then, and then the people,

people at home, I'm using the word people because that's like giving you guys the benefit of the doubt that those are the list.

That's how many listeners.

And so he can't see what I'm doing, but he would like crouch by the side of the stage.

Like he's super gay.

Her dad, her like stage dad, and he'd be like,

No, like, you know, conducting her, but also, all her jokes were like, you know, like as though, like, the guy was writing for like Eliza Minelli special or something.

They were like these, and she'd inflect like a gay guy, and it was like you're just hearing her dad, like every 90s, and then you say this.

Here you go.

That's always what happens.

There was another kid, that kid Leo, whatever the fuck his name was, oh, yeah, you see, it was like two divorced, like asthmatic little boy, yeah, and his parents would make him go do all the the mics.

And his jokes were all about like not fucking good.

Like it was clear his dad wrote those.

That's a funny sketch though, like just like

how much he hates his mom.

Oh yeah, they were divided.

I had to realize like, I think your dad is like funny.

And he had this like hot mom who was like hit on every comic.

It was so fucking funny.

It'd be funny.

You have like a child comedian, but then you force him to do like, you know, where's the birth certificate?

You haven't seen it.

He looks like a Muslim to me.

That's actually really funny.

Like, if you want your lunch money tomorrow, you'll fucking know.

But that's the only way that a kid comedian is going to be funny is if it's like, oh, it's like crazy because a kid shouldn't be saying that.

But then

we know that the kid isn't saying it.

Hey, everybody, my name is Andrew Five Clay.

I'm five years old.

So anyway, whores.

Who whores?

Luckily, my girlfriends don't even have pubes yet.

Hey.

Hey.

My daughter.

Go home.

When she was still just a baby, we would take her on stage and we'd do that.

We had this one joke we would do where we'd go, where's your spleen?

And she'd go,

got a big one.

It's a good bit.

Kids are great, huh?

Can't wait to have them.

So, do you have anything that you want to plug?

Because they're like,

tomorrow night, I think there's still a few tickets left.

Village Underground, 8 o'clock.

8 o'clock.

The Come Town bump right now.

Yes, I'm going to feel it.

I'm going to see it in the line.

When I walk up, there's a huge line.

I'll be like, oh, Come Town.

You did it.

You just check the sex offender registry.

Yes, I know.

Run it by the guest list, the manifest, and that's whoever overlaps.

Those are our guys.

That's what's happening.

And then you can always just get my book, You're Better Than Me, if you're into.

People might like it.

Your listeners might like it because it's.

Reader book, you pieces of shit.

It's about getting started in comedy and whatever.

It's called You're Better Than Me.

It's on Amazon or Audible.

Cool.

I have a movie on Netflix.

It's called Women Aren't Funny.

I don't know.

That's a good movie.

Women Aren't Funny on Netflix or iTunes?

Yes, correct.

And then the book.

Amazon or Audible.

You're better than me.

Audible's audiobook, right?

Yeah.

Did you do it?

I did it.

Cool.

I would hire somebody.

Well, then I,

well, this is

they

pay you very, very very well to do the audio the audiobook.

But so then they I got a hotel.

They said it's gonna take a week, five days.

So I I got a hotel for five days and I told my husband, like, okay, you know, you gotta just watch the kid.

I gotta do it.

You know, it's a thing I gotta do.

And then I finished in like a day and a half.

And so then I just like walked around the city like, you know, those men they get fired from their jobs and don't tell their wives and they decide to go out and see you later on.

I was like, yeah, I was just like feeding the birds.

It's a briefcase.

Going back to the room, taking the call from my husband, like, oh, I got to run back in there.

I'm on a very short break.

My friend's mom disappeared in high school.

She's like, just wound up.

She was like, spent three days at a bar.

I remember him having like a crisis about, he's like, yeah, my mom.

She doesn't come home in like two days, and we don't know where she is.

And then, yeah, it turned out she was just drinking.

Just went on a bender.

I think

I kind of get it.

I mean, it is.

I think it's an important

part of being a mom.

If I can

To just go on a three-day bender.

Just like not all the time, every two years.

Especially if you can't drink during the pregnancy.

You should get the bender in immediately.

You don't need to.

You don't want to drink during your pregnancy because you're getting oxytocin like a motherfucker.

I mean, it is the best drug.

And if you could just have that all the time.

See, I don't, I don't, if you're an alcoholic, you want to drink something.

No, I don't think you do.

Tons of alcoholics, drug addicts, they don't drink or use while they're pregnant.

I mean, obviously, some do, but a lot of them don't.

So why don't we just impregnate all of the women with drug problems?

Yes, I agree.

I think I just started my own charity.

Give them a little action

coming for coming angels.

Or just let them breastfeed.

That does this trick also.

Angels who come.

Angels who fuck.

The come angels.

The come angels.

Breastfeeding is like a

weird thing because, like, obviously, my kid's eight, so I quit like three years ago.

I don't see you'd say that, but I don't know how long you're supposed to breastfeed.

Probably two.

Not much.

They say you're supposed to breastfeed for two years, but two years is too long.

Oh, okay.

It's weird.

It gets weird.

A two-year-old is a little person.

They can talk.

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

And they can walk.

I wrote an article a couple of years ago about breastfeeding my 12-year-old, and I got a lot of people that were mad at me.

And then I got a bunch of people that were like, I actually find this to be very sexy.

Oh, my God.

They sent me like an email about wanting to.

Well, you can get addicted to breastfeeding.

You can because you get addicted to the oxytocin.

Really?

And that's why women, the crazy women that breastfeed until their kids are five or whatever, they say they're doing it for their kids, but really

they're drug addicts.

That's cool.

They really are.

What is that?

And with those women, we should put back on heroin.

That's how I'm going to fix that.

Well, it's thank you for doing our stupid fucking podcast.

I appreciate it.

Yeah.

If you, if, well, it's not, you're on, you were on Kennedy yesterday.

Check her out yesterday on Kennedy.

Spy some YouTube

channel.

I got to get over to my show at the Village Underground.

Yeah, we did have that happen right now.

Yeah.

Come town.

Fucking episode.

Come town episode.

We're done.

Bye.

What do you think, you to the kids on the

This is Bethany Frankl from Just Be with Bethany Frankl.

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