The Adventure Zone: Abnimals Ep. 28: Final Fight!

In spite of what you have heard, we're at the height of our powers Atop the tallest of towers The standard

smile

that we will do what we must Until it's turning out just like you play

self-right is long, but our mojo is strong And unless I'm wrong And I'm not, we're at the height of our power

As the Walrus's office is filling with briny water, Navy clings to the back of Walter Russell, billionaire philanthropist/slash evil genius.

Nicole Squidman looks on lovingly.

Manta Ray Romano has gone spiraling off after Roger Moore's Mintos and Orbit concoction.

Snake Gyllenhaal, injured by Hatchet Man, is still in the fight, but not looking great as El McDonough swirls around the water, electrifying the area around him.

Pit Bull Shark is struggling to right himself with his massive muscles increasing his bulk, but the rising water is helping.

What?

Do you do?

Does anyone have something they'd like to do next?

Trav, when you lay lay them all out like that end to end, you really do get a sense of the scuttle

of the thing.

This is your sistine chapel.

Yeah, for sure.

Thank you.

It all just comes to me.

I am but a conduit for the art.

Yeah, it comes out of the ether, right?

Yeah, I inhale a lot of ether to get these ideas.

That's true.

I've still got Walrus sort of restrained, right?

Yeah, you're holding his tusks.

You're on the back clinging to his tusks as he's trying to buck you off.

Though I believe currently you have him doubled over the desk as you kind of

impromptu Heimlicked him over it.

I'm looking.

I see the desk has a phone, a sort of like speakerphone situation on it.

That is the panel of buttons that he, one of which he used to lower the glass on the aquarium.

Oh, I thought it was a speakerphone.

Can there be a speakerphone on the desk?

Yes.

And

there is.

That's improv, baby.

Amazing.

I would like to try and discreetly, like, turn it on, like, broadcast mode throughout the building, if possible.

I don't know if that's something that

I don't know that I can figure out while wrestling with a Walrus, but

if we kick this guy's butt, I don't know that it's going to really accomplish much.

Yeah, with your bug eyes and the fact that he is occupied, give me 48 plus an extra dice so 5d8

uh to locate him two successes seven five yeah with the two successes the speaker button is clearly labeled and you are able to kind of tap it with your foot okay i i i look down at volta and i say why are you doing this man you're the richest abnormal in the world you can make this city so much better you can make it anything why are you Why are you doing all this, dude?

I am the richest abnormal in River City.

But I am.

No, I just said that.

No, you said the world.

You said the world.

Oh, right.

But I am contained here by the same restrictions as all of you.

But if I can recreate

the formula that brought us the Greenback Guardians,

I will be able to spread abnormal influence throughout the world.

I will spread River City first.

Throughout the world, first, you create the abnormal villains, send them in to create the demand, and then i will control the supply fulfilling the goal of my company river city first and then the world

okay i mean some

you're mad

some of that sounds all right yeah

you know what i mean like

i would no i mean some of that sounds all right like i wouldn't mind going to like bali or like going on a trip but without you know reverting to just a normal walrus.

But I would say that the end hasn't really justified the means on this one, Walter.

Well, it's the means that I need, you know.

It's not cheap being a billionaire philanthropist.

The billionaire part, obviously, but philanthropy isn't cheap, my man.

To be able to do philanthropy and keep above that billionaire line, I've got to keep the money rolling in.

Yeah, you gotta kidnap a hero or two.

I get it.

I get it.

Oh, but would he even even be missed?

The world didn't even know he was still alive.

Well, it's because he was missed.

Touche.

Okay, now I wanna try and hurt him.

Making sure that that just like went out over the airwaves,

I wanna just like

with his tusks in my hand, try and just kind of RKO him to the ground, which I imagine is getting harder to do now that there's three feet of standing water in the room.

Um, so maybe a suplex wouldn't do much of anything at all.

Um, I guess I'll just smash him into the desk again.

Yeah, are you gonna use hydropropulsion or sheer muscles?

Um, I mean, I still have

uh, I'll use hydropropulsion to try and continue to like body slam him into this thing.

Okay, great.

Um, so that is a 5d8 roll.

Yes,

Here we go.

Three successes, including a double five, a cowabunga.

Oh, yeah.

With a cowabunga, you slam him into the desk

and he is woozy.

You also, when he slams down in, you slam him into that button arrangement there.

And a ladder, a metal rung ladder.

pops out of the upper left corner of the office.

Oh, right.

And a hatch is revealed above it, leading to the roof.

You just have a ladder button?

You're demented, dude.

It's an escape hatch, you fool.

It's not just a ladder, but it just doesn't make a ladder.

I call it the corporate ladder, though, and I find that pretty funny.

That's pretty funny.

You're a huge dude, though.

Wouldn't like a slide be better?

Well, I gotta go up.

Science has yet to create a reverse slide.

Okay.

I'm gonna do a flying jump kick into El McDonough.

Okay.

Is that okay?

Everything's okay.

He's got

a reaction

made me

second guess myself.

He has a notable jump kick immunity.

Yeah,

he has jump kick resistance.

What?

I've fallen into your plan.

Let me see here.

Man, fighting is like.

Fighting is so common, right?

I just, it feels so strange to me to to just start attacking people leap off the desk man what yeah do stunts

yeah

i am gonna eat the burrito oh

none of us said that it's not a lot yeah you guys are right

i gotta re i got a story plan for it yeah i'm gonna eat the burrito amazing hey man if you wanna recreate the greenback guardians you're gonna need a frigging time machine man because

that was good eating you slammed the burrito and it is appropriately but present spice um it's very false are confused because you did pretend to eat the burrito yeah yeah man i as i stated in the previous episode you pretended to eat the burrito so good

Right.

That now that you've really eaten the burrito in front of him, it has caused confusion and he is stunned for a turn.

This is perfect.

So he's stunned, right?

yes and between the heat of the burrito and of course uh the radiation and chemicals flowing through it it's hard to tell which has more of an effect on you but you feel like power coursing through your veins um and like your muscles are flexing on their own and you can kind of see a little bit of like green glow in your veins as you feel more powerful than you've ever felt before and truly you are at the height of your power oh the height okay

he's doing it now and so anything like physical basically your abs are increased to a six d8 from a three d8 god fantastic so walter uh has just watched me grow huge

And he's watched me eat the huge burrito

and what do I look like to him?

Do I look different?

I feel great.

How I look.

To Walter, he can see like your muscles seem to grow in size as there's like green

coursing through your veins.

Your eyes flash green.

Oh God.

You are swole, dude.

Did I say that?

Yeah, you did.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's just the...

It's just a weird observation.

Okay.

I.

Oh, and your butt looks great.

Oh, cool.

Okay.

Fantastic.

Justin told me this in private, but part of Axelotl's backstory, he's very self-conscious about his butt.

But right now, in this moment, you've never had a doubt about being caked up.

He's got three cheeks now.

He's all caked up.

I'm going to punch.

It's a three-layer cake.

Now, listen, I'm going to punch the walnuts in the face.

Okay.

It's a move I invented.

Cool.

Nope.

Not this time.

Well, that's not the dice you would roll for this physical action.

For a punch in the face?

Yeah.

Well, you just ate the burrito, and now you're super duper strong.

Oh, yeah.

How many should I roll to you?

You should roll a 5d8.

80?

Hey, look at that.

That's a double cowabunga.

It's two sevens.

Fantastic.

Yeah,

with a cowabunga, you come flying across the desk.

all pumped up with burrito magic and you land a square hit across the Walrus's jowly face.

Now, Navy,

give me a roll to see how well you can hold on.

Or if you want to roll to like clear the area for this hit, you can do that as well.

Um,

yeah, I mean, he's stunned from the burrito surprise, so I don't really need to be holding him anymore.

Um, so I'll just kind of get out of the way of this turbo punch.

Okay, great.

Um, give me a bulky boy roll to dive out of the way.

Mixed success.

Yeah, with a mixed success, you are able to get out of the way, but you are

like down on one knee.

Okay.

At this point.

I look at Nicole Squibb and I say, this isn't that.

We haven't even gone on one date yet.

Yes, I was...

Oh,

okay.

Okay.

So is the Walrus dead or what's no, he is staggered for sure.

Roger, you are up.

and you have a tag team partner in Carver.

Is that

okay?

Is that Eel Patrick Harris or Eel McDonough?

Eel McDonough.

Eel McDonough.

Okay.

Not I understand your confusion because the first name Neil sounds a lot like the first name Neil, but one is N-E-I-L and one is N-E-A.

There it goes.

Eel Patrick Harris was a more eel.

And this is an electric eel.

Eel Patrick Harris was a pun on Neil.

Yes.

Eel McDonough is a pun on Neil.

Yeah.

I hear the difference, Sab.

I got you.

You got it?

Okay.

Yeah.

Roger is going to

attack

Eel McDonough.

Okay.

Okay.

And he's going to...

They're standing in three feet of water.

This is a little risky.

All But he's going to

try to short-circuit Eel McDonough.

I'm just going to call him Eel.

He's going to try to short-circuit him with his cattle fraud horns.

Okay.

Do it.

To try to create

an overload to

take care of him.

You're trying to electrocute an electric eel, and I think that's awesome.

I'm going to overpower him.

Give me a 48 roll, Dad.

48.

I'm gonna add a time to shine die.

Oh, yeah.

Let me check my mouth.

Okay, 5d8.

Oh, my God.

Four successes, including two aids, a six, a five, an eight, and an eight.

Yeah.

Wait a minute.

No.

Yes.

Yeah.

So along with absolutely laying him out,

you

get him square in the chest with your cattle prods, and especially with the upgrades that you got on them down in Dr.

Kildeath's old hideout,

you are able to transfer into him without his electricity transferring into you.

And with that double A, you see that electricity course over and it also knocks Manta Ray Romano unconscious and it arcs over and knocks Nick Gyllenha unconscious as well.

That's way to go, Raj.

Yeah, without damaging your teammates.

That's what happens with a Mega Cowbanga, baby.

And Kyrrh

walks over and puts his foot onto Fitbull Shark's chest.

And it's holding him down.

The Walrus is going to go scurrying through the water towards that escape hatch.

It,

man.

Hatch.

Wait, it all becomes clear.

This is what it is.

This has been your purpose the whole time, man.

That's why I called you Hatch It, man.

Thank you for carrying me so well, Axelisle.

This is the second time one of Justin's magic-talking weapons has saved the...

Now hurl me!

Oh, wow.

That was hot.

That was real hot.

Real blue.

Shouting at...

Axelile.

Hatch it, man.

Okay,

I mean, I guess this would be anything to drum but

yeah exceptionally skilled at improvising melee weapons in his environment and with my super powers this has gotta be what uh eight i mean how many should i roll nine uh ten dice stop me when i've gone too high should i have eleven roll eight d8

oh my god

there isn't a button for that there's a two d8 and a six d8 button Okay, Poindexter.

All right.

There's also two four d8.

Oh my god, what's with these two eights?

I'll go ahead and roll.

Okay.

So I got two eights.

Yeah, eight, five, four, successes.

Four successes.

With that mega cowabunga,

Hatchet Man, you see, go up and like bend, like as it hits, it bends the hinges on the hatch

and kind of pins it closed with the hatchet wedged.

into the clasp mechanism.

So it's not going anywhere.

Walter Russell, at this point, turns to the room and says,

you think you've won, but

this building is full of my guards.

It won't be long before they come smashing through that door.

And you hear footsteps outside the door,

and it smashes open

as Lamar,

Lovelace, and Newton come in.

We can't touch them because we technically control them.

And if we are doing two characters in the same room at the same time, it'll explode.

It'll just, yeah.

And

the Walrus falls to his knees

and surrenders.

I hear one of my cats upstairs crying.

You know what they're you know what they're upset about?

Just like the state of things and whatever.

No, they're only ever wanting one thing, and that's for me to get the smalls out.

Dad, we don't know how to.

Yeah, they love the smooth bird.

Dad, we want our smooth bird.

We don't have jobs.

We can't buy our own food.

We don't know how to order things.

Dad, we're so scared.

We're cats and we've gained complete human intelligence.

What's happening?

Where are we?

Yeah.

Where are we?

But you know what?

I calm them right down with smalls because you're going to get a package of smalls, right?

You're going to open it up.

You're going to put it in front of your cats there, put it into a bowl, whatever you're going to, I don't know your business.

But when you put it out there, these cats are going to freak out.

And you're also going to see some long-lasting effects.

In my experience, at least, my cats have been a little healthier.

They've had a nice, nice-looking coat, and they just love they love smalls they love it smalls cat food is protein packed recipes made with preservative free ingredients um and it's delivered right to your door and cats.com named it their best overall cat food and get this after switching to smalls 88 of cat owners report overall health improvements for smalls food that's a big deal For a limited time only because you are I was really proud of that, Justin.

I was really proud of that.

Sorry, Trav, that was great.

Thank you.

For a limited time only because an Adventure Zone listener, you can get 60% off your first Smalls order plus free shipping when you head to smalls.com slash Adventure.

That's 60% off when you head to smalls.com slash adventure plus free shipping.

Again, that's smalls.com slash adventure.

Hey, this week we're coming to, sorry to interrupt.

I just kind of burst in.

Okay.

Yeah.

Sorry.

Hey, I'm also sorry.

I'm also sorry.

And I'm here and I'm interrupting too.

If you're coming to

our shows this week in San Antonio and Austin, thank you.

If you're not already planning on coming, why not?

We want to see you there.

We need you there.

Join us.

What are you doing?

That's so great.

Yeah.

If you're coming to the show and you want to have a question, you

got a question you want answered, you want a fear read aloud, we got you.

Email that to mbmbam at maximumfund.org and put your city in the subject line in Austin.

And also doing what, Trav?

What are we doing in Austin, buddy?

Well, we're doing Adventure Zone versus Hercules, and it's going to be a real treat.

You're going to feel happier than you've ever felt in your entire life.

Yeah, we're also coming to Utah and California later this year.

Tickets for all those shows are on sale now.

More info and ticket links are available at bit.ly forward slash McElroy Tours.

Oh, we also have new merch because it's a new month.

Yeah.

New month, new merch, new you.

Well, yeah, sort of.

We've got a brand new Gerald t-shirt over there designed by Lynn Doyle.

Go to mackerelmerch.com and check it out.

And 10% of all merch proceeds this month month will be donated to Equality Florida, which is dedicated to securing full equality for Florida's LGBTQ community.

So go to macroymerch.com to get yours now.

You know, we've been doing my brother, my brother, me for 15 years.

And

maybe you stopped listening for a while.

Maybe you never listened.

And you're probably assuming three white guys talking for 15 years.

I know where this has ended up.

But no, no, you would be wrong.

We're as shocked as you are that we have not fallen into some sort of horrific scandal or just turned into a big crypto thing.

Yeah, you don't even really know how crypto works.

The only NFTs I'm into are naughty, funny things, which is what we talk about on my brother, my brother, and me.

We serve it up every Monday for you if you're listening.

And if not, we just leave it out back and goes rotten.

So check it out on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts.

All right, we're over 70 episodes into our show.

Let's learn everything.

So let's do a quick progress check.

Have we learned about quantum physics?

Yes, episode 59.

We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we?

Yes, we have.

Same episode, actually.

Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?

Episode 64.

So how close are we to learning everything?

Bad news.

We still haven't learned everything yet.

Oh, we're ruined.

No, no, no, it's good news as well.

There is still a lot to learn.

Woo!

I'm Dr.

Ella Hubber.

I'm regular Tom Lum.

I'm Caroline Roper.

And on Let's Learn Everything, we learn about science and a bit of everything else too.

And although we haven't learned everything yet, I've got a pretty good feeling about this next episode.

Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun.

Some time has passed here in River City.

A few days, but it does not take a half calculator, half alligator named Calcugator to see what is potentially on the horizon in the future.

First and foremost, the dry area closes after just a few weeks due to immense overhead and very limited demand.

And it doesn't make any sense.

And it doesn't make any sense.

Nobody wanted to use it and it costs a lot of money.

They kept the dryers running 24-7.

And you just had to sort of huck your clothes in there and wait for the best.

The bills were immense.

But Dean, the accountant koala, has helped Hair Dryer set up his new business, selling a product that they designed for use in the dry area, which has massive demand.

A roller specially designed to get all of the fuzz off clothes called the Lent Liquor.

I don't like that either.

Dean has retired with a massive pension from his accounting job to help Hair Dryer with this, to spend more time with his five kids, and to join on as a full-time member with your group in an administrative capacity.

Was he not already that?

I guess it was more ad hoc.

Yeah, he was working part-time for you guys while keeping his full-time job, but now he's a full-time member.

That's weird because we didn't get any money.

Do you know what I mean?

Like, we didn't get any money from all the stuff we did.

Well, luckily, he has a ton of investments and a massive pension, which he is now using to bankroll your organization.

A sugar daddy.

And we also see here in our predictions of the future an engagement.

After spending time keeping an eye on her during this assault on the River City First HQ, Joshua Darnett and Clora Phyllis have fallen in love.

Oh my God.

Wow.

I love that.

I kind of saw it coming.

There was kind of a vibe.

And they are prison pen pals

and have gotten engaged via

communication.

Now, hold on.

He is a police officer, yeah, still.

And she is an inmate.

Okay.

And together they solve crimes.

I'm just saying the ethics of that seem like pretty bad to me.

Like the optics of it.

Well, I don't know if you guys have picked up on this, but Gasha's not good at making decisions or thought processes.

Or attacking or attacking.

Or helping Artie in any way.

Okay.

And Artie Fischel has found a newfound drive in life as a competitive eater, specializing in Dorito-sponsored competitions.

He's not a person.

What did you say, Griffin?

I'm so proud.

I just, I don't need his stuff.

He's not like, he's a machine.

Wow.

You know what I mean?

Like, you're not going to tell me what happened with the buttons on the Walrus's desk.

Oh,

because it's a machine.

All right.

And we also see Dr.

Kildef is running for another term as governor coming out of retirement, and he has set up his campaign HQ in his old headquarters below the now defunct River City First HQ.

And he has connected SCUS to the World Wide Web and is able to communicate with him via smartphone.

So SCZ is free from his confinement.

But what of our three heroes?

In the far-flung future, however far-flung that might be for you, where do we see our heroes?

I can start, if that's okay.

I think you see, there's a bank robbery, and the alarm starts going off, and you see the amphibaforce show up, and there's all the great members of them.

Of course, Trav, you know all their different names and things.

I know them so well, too.

We all don't need to compare how well we know the names of the amphibaforce today.

Well, yeah, just but maybe you could refresh the listeners' minds.

Yeah, Justin, why don't you give us a quick rundown?

Got you.

Go ahead.

If you just run through the different amphiba force.

There's Slippy Frog.

That is not one.

That is one from Star Fox.

There's Isaac Newton.

I'll get you started.

That's the Amphiba Force.

That's Green Man Guardian.

So Sergeant Salamander is the leader.

Okay, that's great, Trav.

And now do the rest.

Sergeant.

Okay, well, you said Sergeant Salamander already.

Uh-huh.

So I got that one.

Uh-huh.

And the there's other the other ones in it yeah

we are fans of all of them tray frog yeah

cecilan nooproot the whole gang yeah

i and my puppy and my puppy

and i'm there i'm in the i'm up in the mix and then

after the whole team drops in

there's a splishy sound and it's axalisle

and he walks up to the criminals which are dave and and Reginald, two of the worst criminals in town.

Yeah.

And he walks up to me and says, hey, man.

And they're like, what?

What are you doing here, Axelle?

And he said, oh, yeah, I used to try to work really hard to be accepted by these guys, right, guys?

And they kind of nod their head.

Thanks.

And

you know what I realized?

What?

I just wasn't, I wasn't good enough.

You know?

Oh.

Like, if I had gotten better at what I was doing,

they probably would have called me more, you know?

That's why they left me out, because they were much more highly skilled and I wasn't as skilled as them.

Okay, man.

But you know what I had to realize, man?

What?

It wasn't that there was anything wrong with me.

Okay.

And it wasn't that I needed to accept myself.

Oh.

I just needed to improve at the main kind of thing that I was doing.

Do you understand, man?

Like, it wasn't a personality conflict.

I just wasn't skilled enough to be accepted on the team.

But now I am, man.

Okay.

And I'm loving it.

What did you get better at?

Everything.

Oh, cool.

First of all, I had this burrito that really opened up my fur eye.

I mean, it didn't last for long, but it really taught me the limits of my own capabilities.

You ever do that?

You ever have some, like, ayahuasca peyote and just go right out to the limit?

I mean, I ate some coyote once.

Yeah, absolutely.

Hey, you're going to prison, okay?

Oh, okay, cool, man.

Well, Roger really wishes he had gone first.

At some point, right,

As a matter of fact, in the aftermath of the great aquarium issue,

Roger just happened to look over at the shiny reflective glass of the aquarium and saw his reflection.

And for the first time, this outer reflection spurred an inner reflection.

And Roger realized how

ludicrous it was for a cow to try to be a competitive ballroom dancer.

You know, wrong body type,

too much physical mass,

twice as many feet to coordinate.

No,

Roger decided the world of the dance is not for this heifer.

I hate this.

He's instead, he has a new goal.

He's going to devote all his energies to becoming an Olympic high diver.

So, kids, remember, if your dream is ridiculous, give up on it and get a new one.

That's our advice.

The lessons of this season

were two for three of them being truly, truly unhealthy.

What do you got then, hot shot?

Yeah,

I learned you accept myself.

I'm sorry for all this time.

I accept myself for what I am and who I am.

And if people don't like that, they don't accept it, they can hit the road, pal.

Was there more for Roger?

No, there's no.

Well, yeah, I think he...

No, I already told you.

He tries to become an Olympic high diver.

Because that makes much more sense for a cow.

I think Navy Seal hangs up the splash pack.

He

instead kind of

focuses on

his team that he was on, that he saved River City with,

and how there's not really much of a place for teams like that, of, you know, different animals working together and using their strengths

and, you know,

rehabilitating villains like Hair Dryer.

All of the stuff that they did on their adventure,

I think he thinks is more important than having another tough guy out on the streets, another bulky boy out there

fooning the goons.

Oof.

Fooning the goons.

You're what we say we can't curse and then we invent curses.

We invent minced oasts.

There's our first t-shirt.

Fooning the goon.

Gross.

So,

instead, remind me, what was that area, like boardwalk area where the sea villains like hang out?

Yeah, it was just the pier with a sub-mariner diner at the end of the pier.

That's all we called it.

Okay.

So, instead of

getting out there and fighting more crime, he may still do it.

I mean, he's a big, strong guy, but

Navy SEAL buys a little office space so he doesn't have to work out of the diner anymore and opens up a sort of matchmaking agency for

abnormals without teams

to

find their own crews instead of vying for positions on these elite

austere sort of groups.

Helps folks find their own teams that they can match up with and hopefully do some good with, whether they be villains or heroes,

rehabilitated villains.

That is his mission at this point.

Let us rewind now back before all of these permanent calculations of the future to a few days after the arrest of Walter Russell.

A conference is called, a press conference is called in front of the golden Greenback Guardian statues at the museum.

JJ August is reporting and she says, yes, we're here live in a surprise announcement, a press conference has been called by the Greenback Guardians, who no one knew were still around.

Definitely not me.

It's a surprise to everyone.

But they say they have some sort of big announcement today.

It looks like they're getting ready to start now.

Let's go over to the camera feeds.

And we see the four Greenback Guardians take the stage and the audience erupts.

It is wall-to-wall people and everybody is just absolutely losing it that not only are the Greenback Guardians still around, but they are here in front of them in the flesh.

And Lamar steps up to the microphone and says, hey, everybody, I know this is pretty wild to be back here in front of you guys after all this time.

And listen, I'm just going to be honest, we kind of handled the end of the Greenback Guardians era not great.

We're sorry for just kind of leaving you guys in the lurch like that.

And, you know, that was our mistake.

And sometimes

it takes a new friend or friends to help you realize.

that mistake.

Can we, yeah, we're going to bring up your Axel Isle, roger moore and navy seal can you guys come up here please

not without dean and dean

of course yeah we we

i mean do we need to say we come up yeah we come up okay i come up okay great i come up i come up with dean okay we're all up um these three well these four

They're the real heroes of the day.

Not only did they stop the plot by Walter Russell, which you you all heard through the speakerphone,

but they also are the ones.

I appreciate you trying to

tie back into that decision that I made during the fight.

If you're suggesting that at this press conference, everyone in attendance heard Walter Russell's voice through the speakerphone.

Well, as the speakerphone went off and they could hear you talking, the Guardians recorded it.

Oh, okay, good, good.

J.J.

August could air it on the news.

Tag team.

But we were controlling the Guardians, and I didn't make that decision for my guys.

So

I guess I'm just, I guess it, but that's fine.

That's great.

That's cool.

Okay, so it didn't happen, and you're all arrested.

No, no, no, no.

I do.

I want it to have happened.

Okay.

And but more than that,

the four of us wouldn't be here, especially not Carver.

And they are kind of elbow him anyway.

If it weren't for these guys.

And so we have got you guys a little something each as a thank you.

Roger, can you come up here first?

Yes.

So, Roger, well, Loveless, why don't you take it away?

So, Lovelace, the scientist with 370, goes, Roger, I've thought about this long and hard, and I've designed for you this special earpiece and kind of glasses combo.

Here, try this on.

Okay.

Now,

it has built-in music capabilities

so so it can play music for you without someone else having to do it

but weren't you just saying that like dancing like no no no no no i'm rethinking i'm rethinking the whole diving thing well

it's yours to use as long as you want to we're not going to take it back if you decide to go on a different career path

but you'll always have the music in your ears and um if you double tap the side the lenses will go red and you can control your own kind of stampeding urge without

someone else having to do it for you.

So your gift is removing the onus of teamwork from from Roger.

I'll take it.

Welcome.

Oh, ah, and listen, fellas.

And I hold it up and...

Ah, you can hear it beating.

Ah.

I don't know what that is about.

It's Wister Boss.

Listen, is it Mike?

You got anything there for me?

Oh, do we ever.

Here, step on a...

You have that bag for me.

Thank you, Justin, for getting my job.

Here, let me see Hatchet Man for just a moment.

Okay, be careful.

Of course.

My wife's soul is in there.

What?

I thought I mentioned, yeah, my wife's soul is in Hatchet Man.

Go ahead.

Oh, okay, cool.

And he slides, you see this like

almost like rubberized handle over it so that it like covers, you know, wraps around kind of the center part of the handle.

And you can see like a wire mesh is running through it.

And he hands you a glove, a fingerless glove of identical material.

And he says, here, put this on.

Okay, I do.

And then he walks across the stage and he puts

Hatchet Man down and he says, call Hatchet Man to you.

hatchet and it comes flying to that gauntlet

the wire meshes connect and it okay hatchet man is summoned to your hand and here

one good turn deserves another and then I take hatchet man and I reach over and I lop off my left arm

As far as I can tell, my DNA is the last secret,

the only link to recreating the greenback guardians.

Oh, and I feel like we should be in possession of it.

So here, I want you to take

I want you to take this.

You could have just lanced your finger for like a single drop of blood.

The burrito wore off.

That's out of your system, but.

Right, but my DNA was shifted.

So the only clues, I'm the most, as near as I can tell, man, I might be the most important person on earth.

Well, the four of us still have.

You know what?

Thank you so much for this arm.

It's honestly best just to kind of take it.

Yeah,

thank you, Baron.

Does anybody else want a limb?

As long as I got him out, he's already dirty.

So, as long as Hatchetman's already dirty, I'll go ahead and lop a little bit.

A little boy steps up in the front with like a I Love Axel Isle t-shirt.

And he's like, oh, Mr.

Axelweil, can I?

Hey,

enough said, take a toe.

This is your best day, my wife.

All right, too.

It's just a scratch.

Thank you, Mr.

Axelweil.

See you, little guy.

Will you sir?

I gotta lay down, man.

I gotta lay down.

Hey, skit over, kid.

I'm laying down right here.

Okay.

I would like a toe.

You need to go away now.

Okay.

I'm gonna take a little quick nap.

Uh, Navy?

Yeah, yeah.

Uh, Carver steps out and he goes, listen, man, uh,

I pulled some strings with some old contacts of ours and

he opens a wooden box that he's holding and inside there are some like bars, some pin bars.

And he says, we got you an honorary commission as a Navy SEAL.

Okay.

Which was not a thing I thought we could do.

Basically, if you ever get arrested or like sued for stolen valor, they'll take care of it.

I appreciate that.

I closed the box.

I hand it back to him.

Navy SEAL was sort of a name forced upon me by sort of like the naming convention of my family team.

And I guess I'm going to take this press conference to announce a change.

I am no longer Navy SEAL.

I recognize now that that takes some credit.

from the brave people in the Navy SEALs who do whatever the Navy SEALs do.

And I apologize for all the harm I caused.

I am at heart a creature of the sea.

I'm

a proud Ross Seal.

I'm a proud Marine animal, and that is why from now on, I am called the Marine.

Pretty cool, guys.

Yeah, why don't you call me?

Hold on to this box.

Just, you know, just as a keepsake, I guess, in case.

Yeah, sure.

Yeah, I don't want to be rude.

Yeah, thank you.

Uh, and Newton steps up and says, hey, Dean, ma'am, uh, we weren't ready for something for you, but I got this coupon book that you can have, and like two-thirds of the coupons in there are still good.

Uh, and Dean starts to well up, starts to cry, and he's like, That's

thank you so much.

That's beautiful.

This guy freaking loves coupons.

You nailed it.

I'm an extreme couponer.

That's how I got to where I am.

Thank you.

And Lamar steps back up to the mic and says, yeah, man, speaking of name changes,

I've been talking it over with the other greenbacks, and we've decided

our guardian days, man, we're not as young as we used to be.

Am I right?

And the crowd kind of chuckles.

Says, so...

From now on, we are reforming, but we're going to be the greenback guides.

We're going to help in the city.

We're going to train new animals and everything but we just can't be the guardians anymore and you hear the audience kind of gasping cats are like running he goes but i mean if

if all goes well you guys aren't going to be without guardians because we'd like to offer that name to you four as the new River City Guardians.

If you'll accept.

Could it just be Greenback Guardians?

Well, we're still going to keep the Greenback part because we're tortoises and you guys aren't.

What about the RC Guardians?

Yeah, man, listen.

The nuts and bolts of the branding is yours, but will you be the new Guardians?

Yeah, man, absolutely.

We've been struggling with, you know, branding and stuff, but I could see RC Guardians like really popping like really popping on a hat um as you accept this new title they cue the band just off stage and the music starts to swell there's a just an amazing electric guitar starts playing these like crazy licks these amazing riffs as the music swells and jonathan colton steps out and takes the microphone wait what and the river city guardian music kicks in for the first time cool it's but it's Jonathan Colt and it's a horse.

Yeah, he's half horse.

Cool.

And he sings, In spite of what you have heard, we're at the height of our power.

The talking tallest of towers, we'll stand.

But you can just play the

actual theme.

Yeah, you just play the actual theme song there.

Yeah, and that's where the theme song goes.

Rock and roll, VN.

Heat supporting.

Yay!

Yay!

Congratulations, everybody.

Congratulations.

That was a thrilling, that was a thrilling adventure, Trav.

I loved it.

Yeah, very good.

I felt like I was a kid again.

We were playing with action figures.

And then, Cora Phyllis bursts in.

Yeah, for now.

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