The Adventure Zone: Abnimals Ep. 26: Radical Rescue!

In spite of what you have heard, we're at the height of our powers Atop the tallest and towers

never stop us by having to trust That we will do what we must Until it's turning out just like you play

self-righteous long But our mojo's strong And unless I'm wrong and I'm not We're at the height of our power

Newton, Loveless, Lamar, you're surrounded, well, mostly surrounded by bad guys.

You've knocked a few out, tore a head off, bit the head off of one, really.

A couple are knocked out.

One's still getting his pants buckled back on.

What do you do?

What kind of weaponry are these robots working with?

What kind of like anti-personnel sort of features do they have?

Can I, can I?

I mean,

it is a butcher's that I would be taking just to kind of get a feel for.

Yeah, give me a butcher's roll.

Let me see.

You know what?

Let's just do this Mondo move.

Let's do reduce, reuse, recycle.

I would like to make a weapon out of this robot's head that I've just torn off and maybe any other kind of materials to construct a...

Construct a machine, construct a weapon.

Which is a 68 roll.

Yeah.

Give me a 68 roll to determine.

Well, there's only two successes in there, but they are the same number.

So that is a cowbanga.

That is a cowbanga, my dude.

So two sevens.

What do you want to make out of it?

So you have,

let's say that it has the capabilities programmed into it for like a taser.

Yeah.

And potentially, let's say, built-in pepper spray breath.

Yeah.

I mean, a taser definitely sounds better to me.

so I'm gonna just, you know, work in the

gully works of this thing a little bit, and then uh, let me see.

I have one robot on me, and then there's two kind of untouched on the other flank there, right?

Yeah, and if you wanted to incorporate this robot head into your hook and chain, oh, that's kind of cool.

Um,

yeah, you know what?

I'll do that.

I'll put it on the end of my hook and chain, turn it into sort of a flail.

Flail!

So I'm gonna hit the other two robots with the with the flail.

Okay, so normally with your signature item, it would be 5d8, but on this roll, attacking the other two, it's going to be a seven.

Well, I guess I have that guy right behind me, and it is the nature of the flail that it goes in a big circle.

So can I try and get, like, move here and try and get

these three haters?

Yeah, go for it.

Okay, here we go.

6d8.

Big roll.

No, seven.

That's okay.

This is, I think, also unprecedented.

It's five successes.

I do have a 777 in there.

oh yeah we're gonna call this a mega cow bunga your flail and chain with the built-in taser just tears these three dudes in half these three robot dudes yeah three robots who do not have souls

so it's totally cool I grab the head.

Sometimes on the Adventure Zone, robots do have souls, though, and it's like not confusing.

It's like, it really is arc by arc.

This is why we can't have a multiverse, guys.

Yeah, no, we're chewing.

Because it would be...

This is what we need.

A multiverse TAS that is just a war over sentience.

So we align the universes.

So robots with souls versus robots without souls?

Well, universes in which robots are...

decided to have souls versus universes of Taz where they are not.

And it's just an like it's a multiverse battle.

I consider taking the severed robot head off of the end of the chain, but

I'm going to look over at Newton and Lamar, and I'm like, do you guys think that this

could be like part of my brand?

Or is it too like metal?

It's a little into

something.

I'm realizing how much

Axel Isle kind of sounds like a ninja turtle.

Like if Jeff Daniels was a ninja turtle, that was

Greenbacks.

What?

What is a Ninja Turtle?

Yeah, these are Greenback Guardians.

If I could.

In ancient Fuel Japan.

All right.

Well, which part of the...

Sorry, Tref, which part of the concept did I lose yet?

Because if it's not that, it's turtles.

Well, like, I can picture a ninja, and I can picture a turtle, but ninjas usually move very quickly, like the wind, and turtles are notoriously slow.

So I guess I'm confused by the meshing of the two turtles.

I understand why it is.

That's why the it's so edgy.

I know.

I sheepishly, I'm going to tuck the robot head into my like knapsack.

It is, I don't think I can swing around a sever head that's just too that's just not my not my aesthetic

it's a little mid-90s Lamar uh two of the guards are gonna take swings at you

So one of those hits can't be defended.

There's an A, but the other two hits are reduced because of your damage reduction.

Okay.

The second one takes a swing at you.

There would be two hits, but your damage reduction

stops those.

And it is your turn now with these two haters

to...

Just two damage, right?

Just one.

Just one that can be blocked.

Okay.

So how many guards do I have now?

You've got two, one to your north, one to the west.

Okay.

It says on Lamar's character sheet that he's real good at flipping.

Real good.

And I notice here that you've written real

in

like capital letters.

So what I'm going to do now, what Lamar's going to do, is he's going to flip away from the two guards.

He's going to like flip between them onto the desk.

And the flip that he does is going to be so graceful that it reminds the guards of a sort of like universal nature of aesthetic beauty

that we can all connect to.

And it's sort of like the pursuit of that beauty and the recognition of that beauty it sort of takes their motivations

and holds them up for how sort of like hollow and cheap they are because in the face of like that sort of eternal aesthetic beauty now what i love about the way that sometimes dice tell a story that is definitely what lamar has in his head as he coils his muscles and bends his knees to execute this flip and now i would like you to roll the 68 that he has in flipping to see how it actually turns out.

It's a success.

It's not as thunderous of a success as I would have liked for the goal, I will say, Trav.

For the goal, I would have loved to see two of the same numbers instead of an eight and a five and many, many failures.

Yes, so he is able to gracefully flip up on the desk, getting past the two guards.

And they do take a moment to be like, wow, he's real good at flipping

but then they continue on with their plans they they do justin i'll give you this for so even with a complete success in the goal of impressing them so much with my flip that they stop fighting even with a complete success i'm given no more than passing notice here's what i will give you for complete success

You do it so gracefully and easily that it confuses them as to where you have just gone.

They've lost track of you for a moment.

So now they are still facing the wrong way, facing where you were,

and they are now going to be stunned for the next round and not.

Hey, guys,

I just realized something, dudes.

What's that?

I now have concrete proof that pacifism doesn't work.

I did that with perfect success and I didn't achieve my goals.

Guys, pacifism doesn't work!

I mean, I mean, I don't want to sort of...

We have concrete proof, dudes.

We can both agree that I successfully flipped really great, right?

No, you did.

Well, I did a successful flip as good as I possibly could have.

Now, I didn't achieve my goals.

Now, Justin, it was not as good as you possibly could have.

It was a success, Travis.

It was a success.

I successfully impressed it with you.

But you can get a 70% on a test and still pass, my dude.

Hey, listen, Travis, you can have your win, but I'm shifting your narrative.

Okay, right?

Yeah, you know, I love it, but you win, but pacifism in this world doesn't work.

You've taught, you've communicated that to me, okay?

Thank you for clarifying in this world, Justin.

I really appreciate your clarification that this is not a reflection of pacifism in our world,

but in the world.

These robots may or may not have souls in our world.

I'm not going to make that decision, Newton.

You are a who's left among the you have you have a guard to your north and and one a little way away from you who has just finished buckling up his pants.

It was such a successful pantsing.

He is really taking his sweet time

getting this.

It was a good pantsing.

Somehow, in the pantsing, his pants ended up backwards.

It's a molecular pants.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then you have two behind the desk.

You have the two that were just surprised by the graceful flipping of Lamar.

You have two knockdown robots to the north of Loveless.

Okay, I am going to combine.

I don't know if you've ever done this.

I'm going to combine a skill to pay the bills and a Mondo move.

I mean, the reason no one's ever done this is because it's explicitly not the rules of the game.

Well, I don't, but I don't see it in front of me.

Just hear me out.

Hear me out.

Dad's inability to see the rules does not constitute the non-existence of a rule.

Dad is doing sort of like Schrodinger's rules.

Yeah, also a little bit like a little kid covering their eyes and now you can't see them kind of thing.

Which works.

I want it does.

Whoa, huh.

I'm going to do everything as a playground where if something can be slid on, swung from, climbed up, or otherwise played upon, this guy can do it.

I'm going to slide across the desk

and

kind of leap up

and come down on the two

stunned guys.

Okay.

And I'm going to yell out a distracting catchphrase.

Okay.

While attacking to potentially stun them.

So before you give me the catchphrase,

I'm going to have you roll the everything as a playground check.

Whether you succeed or not, you will still have to say the catchphrase.

I know.

I know.

Okay.

All right.

So give me the 48 everything is a playground roll.

And we don't have time to shine dice, right?

No, these guys do not need them.

Okay.

I have

three

sevens.

Unbelievable.

I mean, like, absolutely, I would question roll 20 at this point, right?

Like, yeah, no, I know.

Insane.

It's because I'm in a good roll.

I'm screenshot.

Nah, dad, it's not that.

Two triple sevens in the same screen shouldn't happen, man.

That's the magic of animals, my friend.

All right.

So, Dad, yes.

You

it's like your feet are the 90s hit sensation soaps

where your shoes are allowing you to grind on the edge of the desk.

Yeah.

Moving with perfect accuracy.

And it's that kind of like, we keep doing a close-up shot on you.

And even though the desk is only like, you know, the 10 feet in circumference, you seem to be grinding on it for a good long time.

giving you plenty of time to execute the perfect catchphrase.

One way or another, you are going to land on these guys and do some damage to them.

But now hit me with that classic catchphrase that's gonna seal the deal.

Slides the last second.

He kind of bumps with his feet, goes up in the air, comes down on him, shell first,

and says,

I'm gonna introduce you to Newton's law of gravity.

Oh, that's that's so good, Dad.

Give me a 5d8 roll for that distracting catchphrase.

Here we go.

I predict five seven

And I got a six an eight and a five Yeah, man with three successes you come down on them hard shell first

They were already stunned partially by Lomar's flip and then even more so by your amazing grinding and then you land on them and they just go flying the concussive force combined with the amazing catchphrase is not only going to stun them for a turn but leave them incapacitated.

They are now out of the fight, effectively reducing the threat quite a bit.

And then the elevator doors open

and some high-tier security guards enter.

You see four

half-man, half-rhinoceros

security guards in some pretty beefy combat gear enter into the room via the elevator um and we are going to jump back to

lyle and roger and navy

did you guys see like my closure with my dad did you guys see that

big moment i thought

well yeah man you didn't see it

for you guys weren't even in there for the you know no no no it was really thinking about the fighting man for sure uh we've we we felt it we felt it in our hearts that you finally rose up and became a man seal

sealed it's just

yeah okay well i'll okay that's good enough yeah i mean it's i guess it was a personal moment i remember i could hear everything because you know we had our comms on and i you know i speak fluent

our our our our

yeah no i mean yeah

yeah our

you speak to him as you i speak Tim Allen.

Yeah, yes.

Do you regret speaking Tim Allen just in general?

I doubt there's things in there that human beings are meant to understand.

You know, I think in the Santa Claus's phase, maybe it'd be all right because that's a little bit early.

Yeah.

Okay, as you make your way to the grate leading to the next floor, you can hear voices

and like a scent of like disinfectant and like a very industrial kind of sense.

If you want to give me a butcher's roll as I am now considering them to be, anybody can take a peek up through the gate and see what you can see.

Bug eyes.

Bug easy to be a rhyming couplet because I love it, Travis.

I didn't mean to be, but I really enjoyed it.

Two Successes, a five and a seven.

Yeah, with Two Successes, your bug eyes poke up.

through the grate there.

You can see that you are in a room filled with hexagonal holding cells.

I hate to be

Travis, but they do.

Octagonal.

Octagonal holding cells.

Excuse me, Griffin.

You're correct.

And you can see only two of them are currently occupied.

One contains a fairly rough-looking

former RFCE agent, Goshua Darnett.

The other contains

chlorophyllis, who you haven't seen in some time.

Jeez, man.

Looking none the worse for wear.

There are two guards kind of scratching their head and looking at chlorophyllis in quite a bit of confusion,

their backs to you.

What do you do?

Roger is going to

try to sneak.

Let's see,

is there room to sneak behind the container that's holding...

Joshua?

Not to keep...

Yeah, Joshua.

Yeah.

No, No, I mean not really.

The whole thing sounds it's kind of hard to see on the map, but are like all side-by-side set into the walls.

All right, guys, quick huddle, right?

We gotta leave chlorophylls locked up.

Right, we can all agree for no.

I feel definitely, though, like, hey, hey,

well, we can't really talk to her, right?

We'll blow our cover.

Well, I feel a sort of moral obligation to sort of give those RCF guys a heads up.

I know that they're sort of our enemy right now, but she'll kill them.

And it's not even like fun, like behind them.

Not like in a fun sort of

honestly, I don't think, I don't think the kids should have to listen to whatever Chlorophyllis would do to those guys.

She's like, she is following the rules of like another dimension, and that's we gotta do something for Goshua, though, right?

Yeah, we do at least owe him that.

Okay, Roger's going to

rush right at the two guards.

All right, okay.

So, okay, so we're like talking and we're like, all right, we gotta go with a plan, and we just watched Roger go,

and like, yumps out.

Is that what?

Okay, perfect.

I just want to understand.

Make sure I understood.

He's going to use Scourge of the China shop in close quarters, whirling like a dervish, wrecks everything.

Okay, sick.

Give me a 5D.

Yeah, she's sealed in the containment unit.

Like, you would have to actively work to open that up.

Give me a 5d8 roll, Clint.

Oh, my God.

Wow!

How many practice makes perfect points do I get for a one, a two, a one, a two, and a five?

Still just the one point.

You are able to make it over to them without being noticed,

but you basically impact one of them, knocking him to the side, and the other one turns on you.

Is he attacking?

Yes, but if there's something quick you want to do,

there is.

Not you.

You did your thing.

I just have something to say.

Let him.

Oh, okay.

Excuse me.

All right.

That's good.

Thank you.

Like it was an accident.

Yeah, that's good, man.

That's two hits, one of which is an eight, which cannot be blocked.

So you're going to take a point of damage.

And the other one got knocked back, so he's stunned for a second.

What about the other two of you?

Are the other cells in this room, are they all shut and locked?

Does it appear?

Give me a bug-eyed roll to check that out.

Bug-eyed roll coming right up.

One success.

They are all shut, but it's unclear to you whether the locks are engaged or not.

Alright.

I'm going to pop out of the hole and try to restrain the other guard, the one that just attacked.

Just sort of wrap my big seal of arms around him so that we can have a conversation.

Okay.

Give me a bulky boy roll.

Okay.

Yeah, I don't really have a ton to help out.

Oh, that's three successes or three failures.

Two, three, two.

Uh-oh.

Yeah, you attempt to restrain him,

but he

turns quickly, doing some tricky maneuvers there and restrains you.

Oh, God, I hate when they do that.

Oh, I just watched him flip on the map trap.

That was messed up, man.

So unnecessary.

That's to show you that he's like, whoa, ha, what?

He's got you now.

Oh, man, it's a shame that there's only two of us who tried to get in here.

It's a shame that we're just a pair and we got no one else to help.

I am going to

try to stealthfully

free Goshua Darnett.

Hmm.

Okay.

They're very much occupied.

I'm looking for like the big green release button on his cell.

I'm going to try to let him out.

Okay, I'm going to give you extreme exfiltration role

because this environment is in danger.

Yeah.

Yeah, no kidding.

From me.

So that's 5d8.

I will say it sort of puts it in stark contrast how down on the first floor we are absolutely obliterating a room full of dudes as the greenback guardians.

And oh man.

Man.

Yeah, so that's one.

That's a triple three.

Triple three.

Triple three and a seven.

A seven and a triple?

Three.

Good.

And a four.

So with a mixed success, you are able to hit the green button on the exterior of the containment unit to pop open the doors.

But in doing so, you are grabbed by the other guard.

So now,

man.

Lyle, you are being held.

And he's going to attempt to choke you out.

Oh, boy.

Okay, okay.

I have a Mondo move.

Blubber Shield.

Win in reach of a teammate who's received damage from an enemy.

Maybe Seal can place his big body in harm's way, taking the damage himself instead.

So I'm just going to slide my own throat into

where he...

I'll just sort of clamber below Axlile and pop upwards and put my own throat in where the choking was going to happen.

Okay, great, because that's four damage.

You have a damage reduction of one thanks to your body armor.

So you only take three points of damage.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, can I just say, my neck is huge, and it's impressive how you're managing to really get all the way around it.

Thanks, I know you're a fan of yourself.

Hey, man, I know you've always been self-conscious about your incredible fat neck, and I just want to say this time, your big fat neck saved my life.

Yeah, Roger, a little help

you got it

uh roger uses his prehensile power and uh uses his tail to bind

the the one attacking

okay great yeah give me uh give me that roll that's

3d8 uh 3d8

Now I'm getting to figure this game out

mixed success an eight and a three and a three.

With a mixed success, you're able to pull him away, but he is not restrained.

So, Navy, you can breathe once more.

Great.

And

Goshua steps out of the holding cell and is going to attempt to clock the guard to the west.

I didn't know which way that was going to swing for the last one.

Oh, that is absolutely exactly what I expected from Goshua doing that.

Amazing.

That huge, huge flopperoon.

Yeah, that's three failures.

He's gonna absolutely whiff.

You can see that he is quite the worst for wear.

Maybe just a little bit sleep deprived.

He whiffs and kind of falls past the guard.

These two rank and file security guards are absolutely taking us apart.

Upstairs, our elders are laying waste to the stars.

And we're down here like trying to punch the janitor in his stomach, and he keeps backflipping over us.

You hear Chlorophyllis say through the bars, um, do you need some help?

Absolutely not.

I can help you.

Absolutely not.

Okay.

It just looks like you guys are having a really rough time.

Everyone,

just look away, and I'm going to try and just like push the guard that is on me backwards, like into the gate, into the door, to Chlorophyllis's cell.

Okay.

I'm not going to let Chlorophyllis out, but

I feel.

you're taking a hit, but you know where a failure is going to go, Griff.

With no, for sure.

Yeah, give me a bulky boy to push that guard back.

Or you can do hydro propulsion if you want to like

last

way.

Yeah, I'll just like, yeah, point the nozzles forwards and

you hear the trap.

He just lay, I cannot believe.

Go ahead.

I am not.

I can refuse to let fear guide me in my actions.

That's a cowabunga.

Machi machi, Griff.

Yeah, with a cowabunga,

he blasts backwards into the iron bar door of this containment unit and immediately Chlorophyllis is on him and you see from her fingers like all of these vines come out and wrap him against the door and kind of lift him off his feet.

I'm really sorry.

You were really tough and we couldn't beat you.

Honorable warrior.

And even though these vines have like completely bound him, you can still hear him like muffled from within as she starts to like decorate him with little flowers and everything growing.

So it looks like he has a smiley face

on as he's like very clearly upset inside these vines.

And you get the distinctive brush and they're getting tighter.

Phyllis?

I know.

I just want to make sure I'm holding.

I want to make sure I'm holding him.

You got him.

Is the trachea an important part of the restraining sort of apparatus?

Just one.

Phyllis, listen.

The kids are listening.

So I should, like,

make it fine.

And consume.

You got to consume the body fertilizer style or don't

need it.

Yeah, like you got to use the whole

thing.

Don't let any of it go to waste.

How's the other security guard looking now that he's?

He's freaked out.

Yeah.

Can't imagine why

and starting to back away i can have to imagine this is how he thought his day would go yeah uh oh we can't let him get out of here

guys he's creeping someone do something um i wolf uh okay

i throw hatchet man but first i disconnect the blade and throw hatchet man at his legs just a stick

Wow, really reductive, Griffin.

Sheesh.

I think I was pretty clear about what was happening there.

I disconnected Hatchet Man's hatchet attachment.

Right.

The cutting attachment.

Because if I miss, I don't want this to be a big deal.

Okay, that's all.

Is there any chance that the stick or handle of the hatchet is red?

Just asking.

Yeah, I mean, it is.

It is, obviously, yes.

Okay.

Okay, so I'll throw the hatchet handle attachment at the left at the legs of this guard to try to stop them.

Okay, give me a 48 roll.

Come on, Juice.

That's four failures without the.

But that's why, but like, guys, can we just say that is a two, a three, a three, a two?

It's a huge failure.

But it's a very sad man.

He's got to keep his feet.

That man's keeping his feet today, and I'm still a hero because of that.

And it's two pair.

Without the hatchet attachment, the balance of the throw is way off.

off.

It goes flying wide

and knocks open the door to the containment room, making it easier for him to escape.

Goshua

or redeem yourself, man!

This is your chance!

I've always believed in you, Goshua, despite how many times I've vocally said that you can't do anything right.

Your...

Your belief sustains me.

And he's going to charge at the guard and attempt to tackle him.

Goshua.

He got cowabunga.

Two sixes and a seven.

Goshua, you did it.

He tackles the guard and almost like roping a calf, right?

In one smooth move, has like his hands bound in a zip tie behind his back, has his like baton and

radio removed and stands up and goes, time!

What do you mean?

How long?

Were you guys timing no man you didn't say we should oh 4.7 4.7

a new record

oh and he sits down

just

that one yeah okay

i have not slept in like 36 hours guys you haven't contributed in 36 episodes so happy that you finally did something huh okay cool man do you want me to cut him loose no no no can i tuck him into the cell that gosh was you absolutely?

Absolutely can.

And fellows, don't look back

at chlorophyllosis.

Yeah, the muffling is getting

his upset sounds in vernacular.

It's gnarly.

I'm going to walk over and try to get him out.

I don't want, I don't, I can't have this on my conscience.

I think that if we, we can have a lot of fun here, but I think leaving someone to be killed is not uh is simply not abnormal's stuff.

So don't leave people around to be choked by plant ladies, kids.

And now you know

not making a choice is sometimes making a choice in and of itself.

Might I suggest, Griffin,

blasting her with a

splash.

Yeah, I was thinking, I say, Phyllis, I know you're probably struggling without water and sunlight and nutrients.

Yeah, I know that that guy will probably give you you some nutrients.

What if I give you some water instead?

Will you let him go?

Yeah, um.

Okay, yeah, deal.

Okay.

You wouldn't have to have like a sun lamp or anything, would you?

Sun lamp.

Let me check my inventory.

My inventory is completely empty.

Oh, geez.

I have nothing, Phyllis.

But I can try to blast a hole in the wall for like sunlight to come in through.

Oh, that would be amazing.

Or oh, wait, there's just a window here.

I opened the window.

Wish we'd seen that before.

Yeah.

Okay, yeah, window plus water, I think, will do it.

Okay.

Yeah,

I water chlorophyllis.

And I would like to put the guard in the other, the cell with the guy that

the vines release from the guard, and he says, the things I've seen.

Yeah.

Please lock me away from her.

Yes, you'll be in here.

Phyllis, we will definitely send someone for you.

And I hope you get the help you need.

That's it.

That's it.

That was the end of the message.

That's it.

That's it, message.

That's the whole message.

Okay.

Well,

you can see the...

Axela goes over and checks the lock while we're done.

Yeah, she's secured in there.

Okay, good.

I just want to double.

Okay, good.

All right.

You see another great, you assume leading to the next level

over in the southeast corner.

And Joshua says,

I don't know that I have,

that I'll be much help if I go with you, but I can if you share those concerns.

I share those same concerns, Gosh.

Okay, how do you know?

How do you keep an eye on Chlorophyllis?

I have this, like, pit in my stomach feeling that Chlorophyllis is going to be our arch rival, like, next season So if you could just keep an eye on that and make sure that she doesn't escape because that she scares the crap out of me Yeah, and like if she has someone to blame at this point I'm pretty sure that is fully shifted to us.

Yeah,

okay, and then she'll team up with some count on

I promise I'll keep her in her cell Oh no.

You're gonna beef it, but that's fine.

We have other fish to fry.

Let's go

And you make your way through the grape.

I hear one of my cats upstairs crying.

You know what they're, you know what they're upset about.

Just like the state of things and whatever.

No, they're only ever wanting one thing, and that's for me to get the smalls out.

Dad, we don't know how to...

Yeah, they love the smooth bird dad we want our smooth bird we can have jobs

we can't buy our own food we don't know how to order things dad we're so scared we're cats and we've gained complete uh human intelligence what's happening where are we yeah where are we but you know what like i calm them right down with smalls because you get a you're gonna get a a package of smalls right you're gonna open it up you're gonna put it in front of your cats there put it into a bowl whatever you're gonna i don't know your business but when you put it out there these cats are gonna freak out and you're also gonna going to see some long-lasting effects.

In my experience, at least, my cats have been a little healthier.

They've had a nice, nice-looking coat, and they just love, they love smalls.

They love it.

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That's a big deal.

For a limited time only because you are an adventure zone zone.

I was really proud of that, Justin.

I was really proud of that.

Sorry, Trav, that was great.

Thank you.

For a limited time only because you're an adventure zone listener, you can get 60% off your first smalls order plus free shipping when you head to smalls.com/slash adventure.

That's 60% off when you head to smalls.com/slash adventure plus free shipping.

Again, that's smalls.com/slash adventure.

Hey, this week we're coming to sorry to interrupt.

I just kind of burst in.

Okay, yeah.

Sorry.

Hey, I'm also sorry.

I'm also sorry.

And I'm here and I'm interrupting too.

If you're coming to

our shows this week in San Antonio and Austin, thank you.

If you're not already planning on coming, why not?

We want to see you there.

We need you there.

Join us.

What are you doing?

That's so great.

Yeah.

If you're coming to the show and you want to have a question,

you got a question you want answered, you want a fear read aloud, we got you.

Email that to mbmbam at maximumfund.org and put your city in the subject line in Austin.

And also doing what, Trav?

What are we we doing in Austin, buddy?

Well, we're doing Adventure Zone versus Hercules, and it's going to be a real treat.

You're going to feel happier than you've ever felt in your entire life.

Yeah, we're also coming to Utah and California later this year.

Tickets for all those shows are on sale now.

More info and ticket links are available at bit.ly forward slash McElroy Tours.

Oh, we also have new merch because it's a new month.

Yeah, we have a month new merch new you.

Well, yeah, sort of.

We've got a brand new Gerald t-shirt over there designed by Lynn Doyle.

Go to macroymerch.com.

Check it out.

And 10% of all merch proceeds this month will be donated to Equality Florida, which is dedicated to securing full equality for Florida's LGBTQ community.

So go to macroymerch.com to get yours now.

You know, we've been doing my brother, my brother, me for 15 years.

And

maybe you stopped listening for a while.

Maybe you never listened.

And you're probably assuming three white guys talking for 15 years.

I know where this has ended up.

But no, no, you would be wrong.

We're as shocked as you are that we have not fallen into some sort of horrific scandal or just turned into a big crypto thing.

Yeah, you don't even really know how crypto works.

The only NFTs I'm into are naughty, funny things, which is what we talk about on my brother, my brother, and me.

We serve it up every Monday for you if you're listening.

And if not, we just leave it out back.

It goes rotten.

So check it out on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts.

All right, we're over 70 episodes into our show.

Let's learn everything.

So let's do a quick progress check.

Have we learned about quantum physics?

Yes, episode 59.

We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we?

Yes, we have.

Same episode, actually.

Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?

Episode 64.

So how close are we to learning everything?

Bad news.

We still haven't learned everything yet.

Oh, we're ruined.

No, no, no.

It's good news as well.

There is still a lot to learn.

Woo!

I'm Dr.

Ella Hubber.

I'm regular Tom Lum.

I'm Caroline Roper, and on Let's Learn Everything, we learn about science and a bit of everything else too.

And although we haven't learned everything yet, I've got a pretty good feeling about this next episode.

Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun.

Let's jump back down to the RCF lobby.

The big rhino men

charge at the closest one.

That's gonna be you, Loveless.

Um, that sucks.

Yeah, attempting to plow right into you.

Alright, so

that's good.

Honestly, it's been getting complicated controlling two characters, so,

I mean, this may be it, gang.

Let's see.

Oh, wow.

Okay, so the first one, it's four hits.

What's your damage reduction?

Two.

Okay, yeah, so you're going to take two damage on that one.

Okay.

And then the second one is five hits.

And I block two?

And you block two.

So that's three damage on that one.

Loveless goes down.

I'm at zero.

Wait, wait.

Human tortoise shield is an ability that I have, one of my mana moves that I would love to deploy right now.

Go for it.

I mean, I'd love that too.

If I'm within 10 feet of an ally when they're attacked, he can attempt to place himself between them and the attacker, taking the attack on himself.

The symmetry of this moment, I really like.

It's a beautiful moment.

It's beautiful.

Okay, yeah, give me 68.

Oh my God, I've never seen so many green dice before.

Good lord.

Wow.

Yeah, man.

That, including a cowabanga, you got a seven, a five, an eight, a six, and a six.

Like the flipping wind, you are able to jump between the second attacker and Loveless, and your damage reduction is four

so you take one hit but mostly from the concussive impact on your shield

guys

and in fact with that cowabunga

I'm going to say that two of the damage is reflected back

at the rhino who kind of takes that impact on himself upon like bouncing off the shield

excellent Um, where do I end up?

Guys, I was wrong.

Pacifism does work.

Uh, where do I end up at?

Well, it's a mixed, it's a mixed bag, actually, is where I'm at right now.

Sometimes you gotta be a pacifist, and sometimes you don't.

You are bounced back into the area of the kind of semicircular desk here with

Lamar between you.

Yeah.

Okay.

With these two non-rhino guards.

Correct.

Who are out, right?

Aren't they knocked out?

No, those two are still in.

I get knocked back, like sort of into those two, and I look at one and I say, uh, hey, hold this for me.

And I hand him from my chemistry belt a little ticking bomb.

Um, and I'm gonna duck out of the way as it goes off and

splats out a bunch of sticky glue foam.

Yes!

Okay, give me a 5d8 roll

Three successes eight five and a seven.

Yeah, with three successes you are able to pull this off with a plum.

The two of them are stuck to the ground with sticky glue foam and it lands upon their feet pinning them to the ground.

Okay, great.

I'm gonna look at

I'm gonna look at Lamar and be like, you got this, right?

Like all the rhinos, you're good, right?

Yeah, I'll just let him keep hitting me, man.

Okay, great.

No, wait, that's the other guy.

Hold on.

Yeah, I'll just let him keep hitting me.

Okay, great.

I'm going to use shell cover, can pull limbs and head into shell to try to avoid attacks and other threats.

Loveless being sort of the brainiest of the Greenback Guardians, I think.

Kill him once.

Shame on you.

So I'm going to take a defensive position here, if that's okay.

Okay, so we're going to hold on that and say that you've done that, and then you'll roll the 3DA

when the damage is done.

Yeah, to see what you can deflect.

Newton, you stand from having used your concussive shell force to knock out some dudes.

You can see these four rhino guards to the north, two of them directly on the Mar, the other two kind of spread out more behind them.

And it is your turn.

What do you do?

Are the two

robot guards still in play?

They are.

They're knocked down.

They're kind of struggling,

like appropriately, turtles on their backs.

Okay.

Newton's going to use

break dancing

to use his shell, an extremely thick skull.

He's real good at smashing stuff up and just crash right into the two rhinos.

Okay.

Which two rhinos?

The ones that are attacking Lamar?

Yes.

Okay.

Okay, that's the 68 roll?

Yes, it is.

Um,

gosh i gotta have it's some good break dancing music

no you can't have a second character that requires music to do something well you know you wrote the description pal yeah no i actually just texted matt mercer and he said you're not allowed to do that so all right four successes two sixes and eight and a five Yeah, with the cowbungie, you slam into the two on Lamar, like spinning the whole way.

You pop open your head.

You're doing some amazing breakdancing moves uh that that any break-in fan would be proud of um with that success you knock them both away giving you and lamar some room to maneuver let's jump back up

to

the other boys

you find yourself in a fancy executive washroom

now we are talking

There's a little like tray of mints and mouthwash

on the sinks.

You see like warm towel dispensers.

There's a shower.

There's a couple different urinals and toilets, including toilets specially designed to accommodate any animal with all 16 attachments.

I mean, Roger grabs a handful of the mints and puts them in his pocket.

God, I need to stop giving dad a chance to just scrounge.

Yeah, you got to remember, Trav, you're playing like a role-playing game, and dad's playing an adventure game.

You know what I mean?

Like, you're

in the story, dad's just like picking up whatever forks and cups he can get his hands on.

He might combine those mints with a pulley and a rubber chicken, and then use that to disarm a nuclear bomb.

I know, Justin.

Yeah, he knows

LucasArts presents.

But the question is why?

He's MacGuyver.

Is there a shower in here?

There is.

Okay.

We've been crawling through events for a while.

I'd say, I'm going to just freshen up real quick because, like, I don't know, if this is going to be like a big standoff, like big hero moment and make the news, like, I want to be my best.

So

I'd like to hop in the shower real quick.

And I guess I can just kind of use the splash pack and just like open her up for like four seconds to just like really really

detail myself

anybody else want to use the bathroom or powder their nose or take a shower or anything

I have a bad I have a bad history in restrooms so far in this game and I don't suppose I'd use that in this game release

I'm yeah I'm not ready to release Hey guys, I just need a second to moisten up.

And I'm just going to moisten up.

Yeah.

My skin has to stay pretty moist.

You want to conserve water by hopping in the shower with Navy or wait your turn?

No, I'd rather be in the sinks.

I'd rather use the sinks.

Yeah.

Okay.

Two sinks.

I would prefer.

At the same time to moisten up.

When I moisten up, I usually prefer two sinks at once for moistening.

Okay, then Roger's going to take a sneak peek outside.

Just going to look.

I'm glad you didn't take a sneak peek at me moistening up.

He would not have liked what you saw.

I had to add on to the rest of that sentence to say myself.

Thank you.

Just to kind of sunshine.

I'm going to do the butcher block.

And like

your paper, but your

just a butcher.

Okay, I'm going to do a butcher just to see what the scene is outside.

Okay, I don't see any

skills that would help you with this, so just a 2d8 roll.

2d8 roll

1

and a 1.

one.

How are we looking out there, Raj?

I don't know.

You can't get the door open.

You're like pulling on it, and it's a push door.

And by the time you figure it out, the other two are done with their freshening up.

I would say two ones.

I ought to get two practice makes perfect.

Nope, just the one.

All right.

Do we get anything for freshening up?

You feel good about yourself.

Okay, great.

Cool.

uh let's it might come into play later we'll see okay

all right listen are we on the top floor can we tell is there another okay this is the executive floor gang I just want you two to know that

being a part of this team has really helped me figure a lot of stuff out and I know that we're about to go into a pretty messy situation that is, if I'm being completely honest, definitely above our pay grade.

But I wouldn't want to do that kind of heroic final mission with any two other abnormals.

You guys are

good eggs.

And

I'm ready to face the unknown with y'all.

Lyle probably was an egg at some point.

Isn't that the way it works with

Lyle?

Uh, well,

yeah.

Wait.

Do axolatils come out of eggs?

I mean, they do in my mouth.

I don't remember.

Because I was like a baby, you know?

Yeah.

I don't remember.

You remember them for your words.

Do you remember the moment of your birth, Roger?

Because that's fascinating, if so.

Actually, I do.

My mother was a Hereford,

and, you know, all the Herefords gathered.

No, I don't remember any of it.

Okay.

So not

super germane to the moment, and I just, let's do our best out there, guys.

It's all we can do, right?

You have become a natural leader, my friend.

And do you make your way

out?

Um, I mean, can I do you mind if I hey, listen, I do not want to be uh the type of guy that like has to you feel like I have to check your work, but do you mind if I have a quick butcher's outside just to like sort of confirm

your own your own butchers just to double down on it?

I was kind of piling up the failure points, but take your shot.

Yeah, I would love to look through this door before we go through it.

Okay, go for it.

Cowbunga, 7-7.

Yeah, with a cowbunga,

you can see the whole office.

Just gonna move us over there so you can see what we're looking at.

So here you can see an executive, very fancy office, the main section of which is quite large.

Opposite which you see a room separated off by

three

glass doors that are all currently closed.

Inside you see Carver strapped to a hospital bed

with lots of machinery scanning him,

an IV that is connected into his forearm, but you also see what has a similarity to almost like a dialysis or like something that someone would use for like plasma collection kind of pumping in and out there's some monitors set up in there a couple different tables with uh different you know equipment and stuff on it otherwise the office is unoccupied but you can also see behind the desk taking up almost the entire wall uh to the north an aquarium so your kind of general geography of the building would let you know that this area is about a third of the top floor and then the aquarium behind it takes up the other two-thirds of the top floor with a giant glass partition separating the office from this huge saltwater aquarium teeming with life.

Above us or behind?

I'm above the office or behind the office, you said?

Yeah, the north wall of the office.

Okay.

Yeah.

So.

Do we see any other people in here?

No, otherwise unoccupied.

All right, this is our chance.

Let's get him, free him, regroup with the other guardians, and get the heck out of here.

Uh, Roger, we'll follow your lead, man.

Very well.

Roger is going to

just before

going through the door.

Hmm.

We already know he sucks it.

But you're blocking.

I mean, we know exactly what's in that.

Yeah, he got a cowabunga.

What's What's in that room is what I told you.

Okay, Roger makes his way over to the

cell

and examines

how

the door is locked.

Checks the mechanism.

Yeah, so

without having to roll, I mean, you can see it clearly that there's like a keycard swipe and a number panel.

next to it that it is it seems to be secured with some kind of like code or

you know, a key card would get you in there as well.

Um, would the halicar hack work to get past all that?

You could try.

I will try.

I will try the halucar hack.

Um,

pull out the pocket watch with the little uh cow face on it, connect uh to the device, and

I am going to use

two time to shine dice.

Wow.

Excellent.

That's a 5d8 roll to open this door.

Guys, I'm really tense about this.

I'm very nervous.

Yeah, can I, as this is going down, can I take up sort of a

overwatch position like here by the door, just in case anyone does kind of try to come in to...

Now that I see that we've sort of got the all clear, I would like to sort of like be in position in case anyone else tries to come in through the south entrance here.

Yeah, go for it.

Okay.

Okay.

Juice, do you want to position yourself somewhere?

I'm in front of the aquarium.

Okay.

Blending in perfectly with the aquarium.

Oh, that is.

Wow, that is a heck of a roll, Mac.

Yeah, seven, eight, five, seven.

Yeah, with that

four successes, including a cowbunga, you are able to hack in deftly into the security system here.

And the doors slide open.

The light remains green.

and this kind of

medical area is now open to you.

While I'm plugged in,

while Roger is plugged in, is there any way that he can

use this computer interface to check on

all the things that are plugged in?

I think since you got a cowabunga, if you want to roll again,

you can, but the security system is not inherently connected to the medical system, so it's only going to be 3d8 to check.

Okay,

wow, two sixes, yeah,

so with another cowabunga, you are able to tap into this medical system as well, going through a complicated system of wires and diodes and whatnot.

God, Travis, your hacking lingo is like.

Yeah, man, you go through all the vacuum tubes,

all the neon pipes.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

And it's like in Bioshock where you have to connect the tubes together.

That's how you make the thing flow through.

Yeah, you hack it real good.

And you get a full readout that

they're at like 95%.

of dissecting whatever this combination of radiation and chemicals in Carver's DNA is that they are preparing the final test, but you are also, you get a readout

detailing the latest test

and

that combined with just now that the doors are open, you can see

a glowing green burrito

sitting

on a table to the north of Carver in this clinical room labeled

test version 52

and a note in the medical record showing that they're getting close with this but this only provides a beef up for an hour

is that a burrito in there

oh sorry no get can you get carver out of there roger We're like in defensive positions.

Yes, I think I can.

Let me disconnect him, and then I'll just wheel him out on the bed.

What kind of condition is he in?

Is he out of it?

Not great, but

it seems to be, and you found this out through hacking the medical records there, that that IV that he's hooked up to is a combination of saline and a drug that is keeping him sedated.

I'm going to disconnect him and just wheel him back out into the main part of the office.

You pull the sensors and IV

from him

and somewhere in the building, not too far away, you can hear some alarms start to beat.

Okay, that's the...

Hey, should we grab that magic burrito also?

Because it looks pretty crazy.

I'm surprised I haven't grabbed it already.

Yeah, I was going to say, I just assumed you would grab the magic burrito, what with your proclivity for grabbing stuff?

Actually, I'm going to take the burrito and throw it.

Can I throw it to Axel Isle?

Because my hands are going to be pretty full moving the bed.

Baby, if there's one thing I could do, it's catch a burrito.

Okay.

Do I have to do a move for that, Trav, or can I just toss it?

I'm going to say,

as funny as it would be for you to fail and smack him in the face with a glowing green, irradiated magic burrito, I'm going to say that you are able to toss it with little effort.

Okay.

And we are able to wheel

Carver into here and you hear footsteps coming from down the hallway.

Sorry, do I have the burrito now?

You have the burrito now.

Okay, do I have to roll for thrall?

No.

But you do know that this is this burrito looks almost identical to the burrito from the Greenback Guardian's origin story.

Exactly what they are trying to recreate here.

And the door slides open to the office.

Revealing

the Walrus.

And it is none other than billionaire philanthropist Walter Russell.

What?

What?

What a turnaround!

Wait, oh,

from before?

Walter Russell.

Why didn't I put it together earlier?

Friends, I beg of you, don't spoil this twist for your fellow Taz Abnibles fans.

Please do not reveal this secret.

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