The Adventure Zone vs Romeo vs Juliet: Live in Tampa!

Dear Diary

Of all the works of the great bard Shiky Spear, I confess tonight's show is

not my favorite.

For one thing, only like six people die in the whole story.

Boring.

Give me a Titus Andronicus.

That dude knows how to spill some blood.

Also, if I wanted to spend two two hours watching teenagers be sad, I'd buy a ticket for dear Evan Hansen.

Alas, this evening, our patient ears must attend to Romeo and Juliet!

Jesus Christ,

thank you all so much for coming to our show.

That will be the greatest Taz vs.

We're not there yet.

Is the Bible public domain?

Someday.

KJ Vake V is public domain, not NIV.

We're waiting on that one.

Thank you all so much for coming to The Adventure Zone versus Romeo versus Juliet.

We're so excited to be here

back

in the lovely Tampa theater.

If you are not familiar with this particular season of The Adventure Zone, maybe we could go down the line and introduce your characters.

The plot of that season is not going to be crazy important tonight, so don't worry if you missed that one.

Let's start with my personal hero,

Travis Mackerel.

Oh, my gosh.

Thank you very much.

Travis, you're too humble to say this.

Travis is playing hurt tonight.

He begged us not to say anything, folks.

He's quite sick tonight.

And so like the heroic Cal Ripken and the Bloody Sock, he's going to put on a great pitching performance, I guess.

Anyway, but that wasn't Cal Ripken.

Was it not?

He begged us not to say anything, though.

He was like, guys, please, don't say anything.

I'm going to go out there and deliver.

And we're like, Travis, please, we should say something.

No, I said you should say something because the energy is going to be noticeably off.

Yeah.

We're telling you he's sick, so you you don't go over the show like Travis must be going through some shit.

Travis is really phoning it out.

I will say Travis is going through some shit as you could tell from that.

Actually, some shit is going through Travis.

You know, a lot of shows don't have the fucking guts.

Come on.

A lot of shows don't have the guts to put a full value-sized bottle of pedialite in front of one of the hosts, but we are that kind of class act.

Travis, introduce your character please uh thank you my name is travis mcroy and i

oh thank you very much

i uh embody the role of uh crawford muttner call me mutt everybody does uh

I'm a ranger, I hunt monsters.

Oh, and one other thing that you need to know about me, I did post Galibur

from the skull of a giant god, and I became the king of England.

Yeah.

So I'm like now part-time, like mountain man monster hunter, part-time

king of England.

Yeah, for sure.

What about you, Mac?

My name is Clint McElroy.

Read my notes, pause for applause.

Okay.

My through line is pretty straightforward.

I was

a priest, a monk who

got turned into a puppet.

Specifically Pinocchio, the famous puppet.

The most famous puppet.

Yeah.

And then became the turbo cardinal.

Interim.

Interim turbo-cardinal.

And if you want to say your character's name at any point...

Philo, brother Philo.

Thank you, Better Phil.

And Justin, down there at the end.

Hey.

Hey, my name is Lady Galdwin.

I

was a lady of high society.

I was tragically

bebodied in a car accident that was beyond my control.

And I got attached to a new body, this muscular thing you see before you tonight.

I killed Dracula for his misdoings, and then I retired to a life of relative relaxation, save when the macroids need to line their pockets with a few more bucks.

Yeah.

Then we got to drag her back out.

You know what I mean?

It's also important I clarify, you killed a Dracula.

Just to leave some room for you.

Yeah, that's true.

He has continued to manifest in future.

What do you mean, leave some room?

He's always in it.

Yeah, that's a fair point.

I'm wearing the cape now.

I'm wearing the cape and a.

Oh, wait, is that a Shakespeare cape?

It's a Dracula cape with a Shakespeare neck ruffle.

I've got a lot of...

It's very deadpoor.

I've got a lot of shit going on right now from like my chest up.

There's too much,

too much stuff happening.

I'm Griffin McRoy.

I'll be DMing this evening and thank you so much.

With your permission, I would like to get started.

Permission granted.

It is sweeps week in the city of Lumino, and the theater district is popping.

Every opera house, black box, arena, and stage is putting up their best, most audacious, most ambitious productions of the year in a gaudy celebration of the dramaturgical arts.

One theater in particular, the Golden Globe, has been teasing an exhibition that promises to, quote, blast this city's ass right out of its shorts.

A short-run series titled, Shakespeare Comes Alive.

The three of you have received exclusive VIP passes to this experience from its clandestine coordinator.

Dressed to the nines,

kind of, I guess.

I don't know how much better it gets for Mutt than a.

I only got the one set of clothes, man.

I don't know what it does.

He's a king.

Fashion follows him.

That's right.

You have approached the stage door of the Golden Globe, and before you can even knock, it swings open, revealing a short, wild-eyed man wearing an old-timey doctor head mirror thing.

Lady Godwin, you recognize him right away.

This is Igor, Dr.

Frankenstein's former assistant who was present during your revival in this new body.

He says, Yes,

how can I help you?

What's my feeling on Igor?

Have we run into each other since the...

Kind of crazy you're asking me that.

Well, it's like.

I'll feel this one, Girlfriend.

I think you have.

Thank you, Travis.

Yeah.

Wait, no.

I think you haven't.

Okay.

Wait.

I don't know.

Wait, do I get to decide who I've met?

You have met Igor.

Igor was there in your first episode.

I also met a genie then, a wish-granting genie.

I mean, if I could decide who I met, I decide I met a genie.

In the first episode of Taz vs.

Dracula, canonically, you met Igor.

He was there as you woke up in your new body.

Oh, it's so nice to see you again, Igor.

Ah, yes, I remember you.

I put your head on your body.

And a fine job you did.

It stays beautifully put.

How is that life going for you, by the way?

Minimal scarring, exterior speaking.

Do you want to talk about it?

Not with you, Igor.

I hope you understand.

Of course, of course.

You three tonight will be my assistants.

Come in, come in.

He gestures you inside to follow him back into the backstage area.

Wait, man, are we in the show?

I thought we had to watch the show.

It's not a traditional show.

It's sort of a one-hander.

You'll see.

Come with me.

I was so excited to watch Nelmeo and Juliet.

Sorry.

Is this like cats?

Are they going to come out?

Are we part of it?

Oh, you're part of it, all right.

Though the adventure this evening will be far beyond the scope of what cats can provide.

You know, I say that.

Cats really get you going.

Yeah.

Once they get out there.

Anyway, you see the right production?

You're in the right headspace.

It's transformative.

It is.

I went to the production where they brought me on stage and turned me into a cat.

I got to pick my own cat name and everything.

It was the greatest hour of my life.

What was your cat name, man?

Fucking.

Thimble thumbs.

Wasn't it thimble thumbs?

It was Pimple Dukes.

Pimple Dukes.

Fucking Pimple Dukes Thimble Thumbs.

I was Pimple Dukes, the airplane cat.

Anyway, uh,

as you may know, the Lumino Chamber of Commerce slashed their budget for scientific funding, so I've had to pivot somewhat into the realm of the arts, where that sweet grant money still flows like the River Thames.

Nice.

There's that that'll never go away.

No

He leads you away from the stage down a winding corridor and through a large steel door into a room that resembles the lab of Dr.

Frankenstein, a room you three have all been in when you kicked his ass clean.

If said lab was furnished on like a quarter of the original budget, he says putting up a new play isn't really my whole bag, but I do know a thing or two about

revivals.

We'll allow it.

Thanks.

Griff,

does this look like

a bad, cheap, like

hard Scrabble recreation of these tools that will actually work?

Or does this look like a cheap recreation for like scenic effect?

Like they're trying to make it look aesthetically like his lab.

Give me an investigation check, please.

Okay, definitely.

Yeah, man, I love investigating stuff, too.

I don't blame y'all for getting pretty worked up.

That's a 16.

Wow.

Plus my native skill with investigation, which like a good barbarian is zero.

16.

16, yeah, a fantastic role.

If you haven't played D ⁇ D before,

there's a dice with 20 numbers on it, so 16's up there.

One of the good ones.

One of the better numbers to get on there.

It's a little a column A, a little a column B.

A lot of this stuff looks sort of familiar from Igor's sort of clinic where you were revived.

But there is some stuff that is clearly like maybe Cirque de Soleil came through here a few seasons back and just left some shit behind.

Okay.

There's a tower of feathers where you're like, that's probably not actually involved.

Functional, but maybe more theatrical.

Exactly, yes, yes.

Is there any chance that the helmet that transfers minds into different bodies?

You would keep your head on a swivel for that.

At this point, that is how you became Pinocchio.

So I understand that.

No, there is nothing like that.

There is

a skull laying on a plinth in the center of the room, kind of between all of these pieces of equipment.

Human?

Human?

Yes, human, you would assume.

Agor, may I?

Yes, of course.

Okay.

Alas, poor Yorick.

I wish I knew.

Ah, go ahead.

I knew him, Horatio.

You guys are from Hamlet.

Yeah, it's good.

I had to learn about all this Shakespeare stuff when I became king of England.

They're real proud of him over there.

I'll tell you what.

I mostly just watch movie versions of it.

Yeah.

Like 10 Things I Hate About You and like she's the man.

Lion King.

Lion King, Nomeo and Juliet.

Nomeo and Juliet is actually a pretty huge betrayal of the plot of Roy.

I don't know if you've seen it.

Oh man, I'm going to be so so confused.

He says, yes, yes.

He takes the skull out of your hand and starts to kind of wipe it a bunch.

He says, yes, thanks to some tireless grave-robbing efforts from yours truly.

We're reviving a big one.

The Alpha Dog of Play, acting the original theater kid.

Samuel Beckett?

No.

Couldn't find his grave.

Looked for it.

No.

David Mammot?

No, not Mammet.

He's still alive, I think.

He holds up the skull like a little puppet and it's like it's me William Shakespeare

anyway I'm gonna bring him back to life and I need a few steady hands to help around the lab and to be there on the off chance he comes back as a mindless ghoul hell-bent on devouring human flesh okay you could maybe make him dead again with violence yeah you got him man All right.

I say let's roll the dice.

Oh, I get it.

Let's bring him back to life.

Absolutely.

I thought you were making some weird

meta-joke about.

Oh, wow.

Yeah, Griff.

I can see that now.

I shouldn't have drawn attention to it.

He places the skull

back on the plinch.

Sheesh.

He angles a few antenna mounted on the ceiling downward towards the skull.

And he slaps on a pair of goggles and he puts on like a heavy lead vest.

And he steps behind the circle.

Should we have one of those?

What's that?

Should we have

the vest and the goggles and stuff?

Yeah.

Don't look directly into the electrocoils.

No, which ones are the electrocoils?

Turn your body's side profile.

To what?

Relative to what?

Just to minimize the radiological exposure.

To what?

Relative symbols.

Yeah.

He flips a switch and

the room ignites with brilliant blue light.

And for just a moment, you feel your fillings hum as your bones become briefly visible through your skin.

And then the light is gone, and as your eyes reacclimate, you no longer see a skull on the plinth, but a full nude man, balding with a wispy beard, just perched on the plinth like a gargoyle.

Well, don't leave me hanging, Griffin.

Tell me what his hair is like, what his face hair was like.

Get going, bud.

Oh.

You want to know about

his tempest?

Is he hoist on his own petard?

Lady Gawain looks over and says, ass, I like it.

He looks at you three and he says,

Nice bush, man.

In a ghoulish way,

is he saying that?

He shakes his head.

Sorry about that.

Frog in my throat.

Hey,

who are you guys?

And where am I?

And why is my penis just out?

You want some pants, man?

Do you have spare pants?

I give him my pants.

I'm a good king.

Travis, you should call him pantaloons.

He won't know what pants are.

Yes, what are they?

Oh, you're going to freak about it.

He's going to go insane.

He looks at him.

He says, I wear a size 100 of pantaloons.

Sorry.

He hands it back to you.

Igor runs up with a lab coat and wraps it around him for some modesty.

And he says,

So

who are you?

Where am I?

My name's Crawford Muttner.

You can call me Mutt.

Everybody does.

I'm the King of England.

Wow.

I'm Brother Philo.

I used to be a monk, and then I put on this.

Holy shit, a talking puppet!

And now I'm not.

Ah.

I'm Lady Galdwin.

Ah.

Usual stuff here.

Lady Galdwin, thank you for your compliments of my bush.

You're very welcome.

So looking around, it seems like it's the future.

I'm not sure, actually.

I guess so, because you've been dead for a while, but I don't know that we've canonized what day it is.

I thought I remember dying, yes.

I make a perception check to see if it's the future.

Yeah, okay, make a perception check.

That's an eight.

Here's, you have this thought, and it kind of takes you out of shit for a little while.

Sorry, minus one.

Minus one.

Thank you so much.

Even worse.

You have this thought that kind of takes you out of it for a while, which is that it's never nor will it ever be the future.

It's only ever now.

And you go through like a little existential wormhole for like 30 good seconds.

He says, so what was it that got me?

That danged buponic plague?

Oh, actually, I don't know, I go.

What was it?

Of course.

Bees.

He can't see a thing without his glasses.

I've never seen the movie.

I'm not sad about it.

He hops up from the plinth and he says, so

what'd you bring me back for?

Time to do one of my big shows, was it?

You ever thought about doing Romeo and Julia

with garden numbs?

I'm not uh

familiar Romeo and Juliet you said that I'm not quite familiar with what that is you wrote you wrote it

do you know Leonardo DiCaprio

personally uh no because it I died in the past okay what about Hamlet Hamlet that's a pretty boring name for a show okay what did you write

I thought you brought me back because you loved my works.

Surely you're familiar with Boner Boy's Pig Verona road trip.

That was you, man.

Yes, I don't know.

I'm being polite.

Maybe you're more of a fan of King Wizard's Island Vacation.

I missed that one.

Mr.

McBee's Scottish Snafu.

No.

Slamlet?

Yes, yes, yes.

Do you have eight more?

Sorry, Griff.

Was one of those Mr.

McBee's Scottish snefu?

Yeah.

Okay, I just wanted to make sure I heard you right.

All right.

I won't make you do a history check.

You've never heard of any of these plays.

Have we, oh man, this is really,

have we heard of the ones that we just mentioned to you?

Yes.

I would say all three of you would have a familiarity.

Okay.

A person of high society, a learned cleric, and someone who had to his homework to be king, which is cool.

You all are familiar with Shakespeare's works.

These are not among them.

But we understand them to be the same as I, Justin McElroy.

Yes.

Okay.

Yes.

He looks at you all confused because you haven't said anything to him in response to the shit he just said.

Have you any experience with multiverses?

Multiverses.

Do you know Dr.

Strange?

No, man.

Again, I died a wicked, long time ago.

I thought there was no past or no future.

What's your name?

My name?

Yes.

It's Shakespeare.

My name is Thrilliam Shakespeare.

Okay, there it is.

Okay.

I thought...

So do you know a William Shakespeare?

There is no William Shakespeare.

I have no brother.

I have no sibling or other family member named William.

Boring name.

Thrilliam, what was the last thing that you remember?

Oh, I was in the park playing frisbee with my dudes, and one of them hit a big old bee's nest.

And I looked and I said, well, that's none of my bees' nest.

And then I died.

So it was, it was your bee's nest.

It turned out it was, in fact, my.

They made it.

They made it my bees' nest.

Two bees or not two bees.

It was like a million.

It was like a million bees or a break.

A million more than two.

So not two bees.

He picks up a book of one of his shows.

There's a big pile.

I don't think you gave dad enough credit.

Griffinlla is extremely good.

It was really good.

You don't know how many more chances you're going to get to appreciate him, man.

You just like him.

He just means you don't tell a lot of good jokes.

No, I don't.

Now, hold on.

This whole thing's getting away from me.

It's kind of grim, isn't it?

He's flipping through a pile of his works in the lab, and he stops with Romeo and Juliet.

He says,

bad news, someone's done a mess about with all my kick-ass plays.

I don't write tragedies.

You write sins?

I was thinking about this the other day.

We need to get the thing to have on like QI whenever a really obvious joke comes up and it just flashes one of the sky.

I should start getting those ready beforehand.

He says, you think I wrote a show about dead kids?

That's so fucked up, man.

I wrote sexy comedies with babes and kick-ass murder fights and silly dudes going on sex rumps across Western Europe.

Not this sad shit.

What is Igor making of this?

Igor seems stunned.

He is on the phone with the board of directors, explaining that the show might not be able to go on tonight.

Oh, the show must go on.

Must go on.

Ah, so you understand.

see, there is magic in a bard's place.

All right.

And I am a great and magical bard.

And some sort of dark, nefarious entity has corrupted my amazing magical works.

And you know what that means, don't you?

You three are gonna have to go into my famous stories, then stop these foul invaders and put right the tragic fates of these

star-crossed lovers.

The fuck does that even mean?

Any questions?

How do we get in?

With my magic of bars.

All right, of course.

Okay.

Everyone ready?

Yeah.

Are you familiar with the plot of Romeo and Juliet?

Sort of.

Ish!

Okay, well, all you have to do is make sure that all the sad stuff that happened in that book doesn't happen.

Okay.

Hold on real quick.

Hey, Merlin!

Shit.

Okay.

Merlin appears out of nowhere.

He's in gym shorts and a tank top.

And he's like, whoa, man.

Sorry, bud.

I just had two quick questions.

Yes, of course, my liege.

We're about to be transported using bard magic into Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare, who's alive again.

A little page master stuff happening.

Yeah, man.

Yes.

When I'm in there...

Do I got diplomatic immunity?

Why, my liege, you have diplomatic immunity.

Anywhere you go, you're the king.

And for some fucking reason, they've decided that's how that works.

Okay.

It's in

Italy.

Oh, it's that?

It's in Italy, so I don't know why Travis would have immunity in the play.

As a diplomat.

Yeah, I'm visiting.

So wait.

Are we suggesting that Travis...

Of course I'm immune in England.

I'm the king.

Right, so you're like, so you're saying in the play, you'll show up, like, actually, in another reality, I am the king, and so I I can steal this money or whatever.

Yes, okay.

I just want to make sure I understand the concept.

Second question: Did they have diplomatic immunity?

They do not, my leash.

Got it.

Was there anything else I was

doing?

A new season of Love is Blind.

Oh, no shit, man.

Really?

Yeah, you said we were going to watch that together.

Oh, hold on.

My reception on my stuff is getting weird.

And he disappears.

William Shakespeare says, Who the fuck was that?

It's Merlin.

Cool.

Ready?

Yep.

Yeah.

He throws open the book and closes his eyes, and the pages sticking outward towards your party, they start to flip as though blown by a stiff wind, and your feet leave the ground as you're sucked closer and closer into the book.

Whoa!

You land in a courtyard.

Thud

of a lofty palatial estate currently in the throes throes of some manner of grand ball.

Based on your knowledge of Romeo and Juliet, this is the Capulet's Ball, where Romeo first meets Juliet and they fall in love.

Inside, you see red-clad nobles waltzing and mingling before a dais where Prince Aeschylus of Verona sits having his ear talked off by Lady Capulet.

There's a grumbling red-clad young man watching the proceedings, just with a permanent wary scowl stuck on his face.

Outside, in the courtyard with you three, are two guards in red uniforms who are standing in front of the door into the ballroom.

Each of them are holding a halberd and a torch at attention.

What do you do?

I want to talk to the person in the red jacket.

I want to see what their story is.

Okay, there's two guards there.

You approach them.

They say,

invitation, please.

Oh.

You're here for the Capulets Bowl?

Yes, I am.

My name is lady

lady godwin and i'm supposed to be in there oh your name is lady lady godwin

it's a family name crazy so if you can produce your invitations i'd be happy to get you along on your way i'm the king of england and i draw scalibur and like make the like gems and stuff light up on it like it's a command sword cool flex roll an intimidation check for me please unless you're trying to inspire them with your big magic sword, no, no, it's achieve.

You got it too?

So, if you've never played DD before, that's actually one of the worst numbers you can get.

Um,

it's a cool sword, partner.

We're all sort of about halberds now, they're way longer.

Fair.

Uh, hello, holy shit, a talking puppet.

Uh, actually, I am a turbo cardinal, interim, And

I was

asked to do the opening prayer before the big function tonight.

Give me a deception check, please, Brother Philo.

Because you were not, in fact, asked to give the opening prayer in Romeo and Juliet's.

Sounds like that might be a religion check.

Especially for a party that, as far as I understand it, is already underway.

If you were giving the prayer, I would let you roll a religion check to tell how kick-ass a prayer you gave.

But this is a lie and not a prayer.

All right, I'll do it.

Here's my deception check.

I would say a nine was good enough for that.

Well, do you add anything to it?

Or is that including the

Okay, one of them says, oh, yeah, prove it.

Do a prayer on me right now.

I bet you don't even have enough religion power to do a prayer at me.

So should I roll?

Yeah, make a religion check for me.

Religion checks.

You better really pray his nuts off, though, Matt.

Pray your nuts off.

Pray that guy's falls right up.

Oh, now he's in trouble with his deity of choice.

Oh, holy father above.

I don't like that.

Put it down.

Oh, holy Father.

Put it down on the table.

I won't do any more podcasts.

I'm not going down like that, Matt.

Put it on the table.

You're going to stab yourself.

Stab your own person.

You're going to stab your own.

Dick.

Give me this.

I'm not living in a world where I have a nerf axe axe and you have this fucking insane little sting here going.

So when you said lower, you didn't mean my voice.

Yeah, I'm going to snicker snack this right over here, Matt.

Thank you.

Oh, Holy Father.

Or mother, if you're more progressive above.

Okay.

So cool.

I love it.

Please bless this dolt in the red jacket.

Grant him wisdom.

Grant him intelligence.

But most of all, grant him trust.

He was shooting for a 10 out of 20 prayer I'll say on a 10 out of 20 prayer the guard says

sounds legit to me go on in father bless you my son you two not so fast or daughter I did thank you so much thank you sorry I was about to say I was hiding in his ropes you didn't let me finish oh yeah you didn't you didn't let me finish to say the whole time I was hiding in his ropes because he's so small so the whole time I was hiding in his robes he was on my shoulders.

He was six feet tall.

Should we demonstrate how that would look?

I should have mentioned that.

I don't know why you'd volunteer that, Mac.

Well, I think we should.

I mean, this is a live.

I'm too aware of your spinal idiosyncrasies to recommend you.

And the fact that I'm not wearing any underwear under this piece of paper.

Gross, Mac.

Oh, jeez, man.

That's a joke.

Go ahead and roll a stealth check for me, please, Lady Godwin.

To hide in the robes of the puppet.

That is a 9 on that one, but with a stealth plus 2, 11.

You guys got to start rolling funnier fucking numbers.

I use a do-over point.

Okay, no, no, no.

On an 11, you get under there.

And you walk through, and the other guard goes, whoa, wait a minute.

Look at the dump truck on that priest.

Are they both distracted now?

They are distracted.

I bonked their heads together real hard.

Okay.

Give me an attack roll.

I'll grant you advantage because of how distracted they are by this fucking priest with the generous cake.

That's a nat 20.

Oh, Jesus.

They're dead.

No, I don't want to kill them.

No, on a nat 20, you bonk their heads together really, really good.

They both come back from the bonk, stand up stone-faced, and they look at each other, and they look at you, and then they turn and they walk into two adjacent bushes and then fall down unconscious.

Good conking, son.

You did something crazy to their brains, but you managed to knock them out and get them out of sight, giving you free access to the ballroom.

Inside, the grounds are just a dizzying flurry of activity.

The party's really hit full-on, critical mass.

People are out on the dance floor just twirling in synchronized loops while the prince claps rhythmically with glee.

Looking around the room, you see a few folks who stick out like sore thumbs from the rest of the partygoers.

There's a young man on the dance floor who's just...

just tearing shit up, not really in step with everyone else.

One table of guests is engaged in a particularly raucous conversation led by a young young man who appears to be pretty blotto.

Seated in a corner, surveying the room nervously, is a monk dressed in brown robes with a titus-held tonsure up on top of his head.

And of course, you see the prince watching the party with a young capulet behind him, grimacing and peering out over the crowd.

You have to stop Romeo and Juliet from happening.

What do you do?

I'm going to challenge the young man on the dance floor to a dance battle.

Okay.

Are you sure you feel up to it?

Well, I'm not really going to do it on the stage, Dad.

I'm going to do it in the stage of the mind.

I keep trying to add physical bits to the business.

Nobody goes along with it.

He's sick.

Why would you give him a physical bit?

He's physically hampered right now by his illness.

Because I believe in him.

I don't.

And McElroy's are not quitters.

That's right.

Incorrect.

You all, I heard that cheer, and then I also heard that moment of reflection after the cheer, like, wait, do I want to cheer for that parenting style

do I want to cheer into that grim window into the McElroy family

work for Cal Ripken Jr.'s parents that's wow

you've chosen the exact audience for sports humor yes

okay

Mutt you approach this wild man out on the dance floor.

You notice he's not dressed in the same crimson garb as everyone else sort of has.

He has the look of a party crasher about him.

And he right now appears to be the subject of this watchful capulet's eye up on the dais.

First of all, if you can give me either a dexterity check,

sorry, a dexterity saving throw or a performance check.

Just to reach him is going to involve a little bit of getting around all of the dancing that's happening right now.

You you're sick, so I'll show it.

It'll look something like this.

Thank you.

I'm gonna do a dexterity saving throw because because I have a plus seven to that.

Okay, cool.

Mm.

Mm.

It's an 11.

Total.

But I'm going to roll again.

Why?

Because I'm sick?

No.

Because he's sick.

I want to have a dance battle with Rosie.

It's an 11.

You get out there.

But on your way, there's one couple who is like really, really way too into it.

They hit you and knock you down on your butt, and this guy sees it.

Then I do that move where I kind of wiggle and jump to my feet from the ground with like no hands.

Okay, give me an acrobatics check.

You can't just say shit.

No, I wanna do

a dexterity check, please.

Nope, give me an acrobat.

I know you're sick, but it's not gonna mean anything if we bend the rules.

God damn it.

What happened?

This is a six plus four.

You fucking kick your legs up and like almost land it, and then whoop, right back down on your butt.

The guy comes up and is like, Do you need help?

Yeah, handsome.

He holds down a hand and claps yours and pulls you up.

He says,

I am Ben Volio.

What up, dude?

What's your handle?

My name's May Volio.

Ah, forsooth.

Ah,

let's give him something to talk about.

Yes, I...

Can't help but notice you're a ne'er-do-well like myself.

Here to crash the party and feast on the good vibes of these loathsome capulettes.

Yeah, man.

Would you care to dance?

Yeah, dude.

Okay, he joins you in a dance.

Give me, now just give me a dexterity check because right now you're just trying to mirror this guy's movements.

You do not know what dance he is.

He is unless you want to make a history check to see if you know the old dance that Benvolio is.

That's a 17 plus 724.

Did you match with him?

Perfectly.

He says, My name is Benvolio, servant of the house of Montague and Romeo Montague's very best friend.

Is it weird I introduce myself like that?

Nah, man, I'm the king of England.

Wowzers.

Yeah, bud.

Wait, is Romeo here?

Is Romeo here?

You can tell me, bud.

Why would Romeo Montague be at a capital?

Hold on.

Oh, yeah, right.

Whoa.

Hey, Griffin, that was really good dancing, man.

He says, you matched.

Hey, why are you guys laughing?

I saw several of you laughing.

It's weird.

Okay.

He says, wow,

you matched my crumping beat for beat.

He said, why would a Montague be at a capulette function?

It seems like you guys are a bunch of bad boys.

You know what I mean?

Hmm.

Give me a...

Maybe just a charisma check.

You're laying it on here trying to ingratiate yourself with Benvolio.

It's cocked.

well respect it okay now that's good it's a one

that's a hey listen that is funnier you gotta say that griffin funny you said you wanted funny numbers

he says i've never even heard of

ramoio what

don't even know anyone by that name

All right, cool.

Hey, I found out about an after-party.

No.

Yeah, man, if you want to get some folks together.

Of course, it's probably the after-party I totally know about.

Yeah, 100%, man.

The one at the church.

The church?

Which

the one on Elm or the one?

No, no, no, no.

Which one is it?

The one on Elm East.

Oh,

that was weird.

A weird exchange we just had.

Of course.

And

what time?

Well, I mean, here's the thing.

You've thrown this guy off.

He is off his groove.

He is concerned that there's a party happening.

He does not know.

Yeah, don't spread this around, man.

But there's people over there now.

It's like, I heard they've got drugs you've never even heard of, man.

Drugs?

Yeah, it's called like Queen Mab.

Sorry, friend.

This is your one.

Your one charisma check.

I'm straight edge.

And he dances away from you.

Let's jump over to you two.

What do you do i see any uh young young ladies in the crowd uh you do you see uh a lot of uh capulettes a lot of uh

i'll wander over to some of the young ladies excuse me i i hate to be a bother do any of you know rosalyn

uh

okay

one of them looks up from her little fancy finger cakes and says,

Yes, I'm Rosalynn.

What do you want?

I don't reckon, forsooth, I don't recognize you.

I've got some bad news, Rosalyn.

There's a hurricane named Juliet, and she's coming for your man.

It's time to batter down the hatches, sister.

We've got to get everything

ship-shape, and we've got to get that man.

It's a sentiment very popular and cool.

We're going to go get that Mac.

Do whatever it takes.

This is not a lie, so I'm not going to make you roll deception.

However, you, with all of your knowledge of like high society politics and stuff, you know that you just walked into the hornet's nest and were like, what's up?

I'm in charge.

And so I'm going to need a

persuasion check from you.

It is something you are sort of familiar with in this space.

I will grant you advantage.

Excellent.

That's not the right die.

I'll do the one with 20 numbers on it.

Thank you.

That is a 16 plus 319 or a 18 plus 321.

Oh, yeah.

With a 21, Rosalind sets down her tiny cake and stands up and walks close to you and says, Forsooth, you mean to tell me that my own kin is trying to swoop my bow?

It's not intentional.

We mean to support women.

I'm just saying

there's you to look after too.

So what, I mean, what should I?

What should I do,

matron?

Tell her, tell him about it.

Tell him all the ways you feel.

Give him every reason to accept that you're for real.

It's simply not.

Let's give him something to talk about.

Go to Romeo.

Tell him how you feel.

My kindly old maid, I...

it is simply not.

Let's be careful.

We can always be kind, can't we?

There's always time to be kind.

Have I been unkind enough?

Well

far be it from me to call out the misbehaviour of others, that's rather rude.

but I'm just saying maybe everyone in the room should think about how often they're calling others old

of course

madam forsooth and anon.

I will say for sooth one more time.

Say it one more time.

I will go find my suitor and remind him which side upon which his bread doth be buttered.

And she walks away.

And then she walks back and she's she's like, That was a gross metaphor.

It dies with me.

Okay,

sorry, who are you?

This is a capulet function, and I do not recognize you.

Yes, that's lovely young matron.

Yes,

my name is Sarah

Jessica

Parker.

Ah, late, lady,

Sarah, Jessica Barker!

It is, I will see you.

The third

of Debbie.

Okay, my name is Lady Sarah Jessica Barker III of Debonshire.

For real, and that's it, and that's all there is in it, I'm sure.

I've thought about it.

That's it.

I hate to do this to you, but I do.

At this point, you're lying so hard.

I will need a deception check from you

If you just lie about your name, I'll let that slide if you lie really hard about your name Okay, so that is a nine plus zero, okay

I Think my fair madam you added some shit on there at the end, but I will go and track down my man and remind him of which bread he nope

well Nope we're just going to tell him that we like him and would like to kiss him on the mouth.

That's it.

Just make us

Gotta buy.

And she goes running off.

You see her run outside.

She goes outside.

Runs away.

She seems nice.

You hear her shouting from outside.

You hear, Romeo!

Get your ass in here.

It's all nice, Romeo.

What about you, Brother Philo?

What are you doing?

Brother Philo makes a beeline for

person dressed like him.

Okay, great.

You walk over to the corner where you see this humble-garbed monk who at a glance appears to be very uncomfortable in this party surrounding.

He is definitely not joining in the revelry, and you can't help but wonder what a man of the cloth is doing at a rager like this in the first place.

Which is, I had that written down, actually a pretty hypocritical thing of you to think, I will say.

Well, dad, that's messed up.

Yeah, man.

Judge not, brother.

He says, uh, ah, greetings, my child.

Comest thou to give thine.

Wait a minute.

You look like me.

Yes.

I am, uh, I am Brother Philo.

Ah.

And I am like you.

My brother in Christ.

And humble.

Yes.

Right.

I didn't show you my cross, but he took it away from me.

Is Friar Lawrence also a puppet?

no sorry hold on holy shit you are a puppet sorry yes i know oh hold on hold on hold on sorry uh hey jesus uh

sorry sorry about cussing um it's been a minute it's been a minute i feel like i'm owed one anyway amen thanks i

i don't think that's enough uh i think

I need uh to take your confession for you saying shit.

Ah, shit.

Ah, you did it twice.

Let us say the rules.

I take your confession now.

All right, let's do a mutual confession.

I can tell that you're not particularly comfortable here in these circumstances.

A party?

Yes.

Not my thing.

Is there a vestibule anywhere where we could sit and mutually confess?

You know, as luck would have it, they have a confession vestibule on the grounds of the Capulet Manor.

Please, let us go.

Let us go and confess to each other.

Sounds good to me, man.

Left booth or right booth?

All right, so we go into the booth.

Sure, yeah.

I mean, he asked you what booth.

You don't answer, so he just kind of looks weird and goes in the left booth.

Okay.

So who's going to go first?

My brother in Christ?

You're

on board with Christ, right?

Like, that's

cool.

I'm down.

I'm down with.

That hasn't ever been established in Tasmania.

I'm down with JC.

He's just all right with me.

You're actually Order of St.

Tancred.

Yeah, give me a deception check, man.

You're lying about what God you're offering.

I'm not lying.

So you've got to be real careful about jokes, Dad.

Griffin's getting to be a real sickler.

No.

I'll make you roll for jokes now.

It's messed up.

We'll roll a charisma check in a bit.

You're in the booth.

He says,

so you're at two cusses.

Why don't you go first?

Give me the confession.

Very well.

Best.

Can we join hands?

No, we're in two different booths.

You asked us for this.

Now, there's a glory hole in the middle.

There is a.

For God's glory.

No, there is a action.

Can I have some more wine, Paul, please?

There is a slot.

Okay, yeah, it's the hand slot for holding hands, I guess.

Oh, thank you.

What do you have to confess, my brother?

I will tell you.

Thank you, Paul.

Triffit has called for that when I'm looking at a timer that says we're supposed to break in two minutes.

We're going way long.

Zach is going way long, baby.

I feel uncomfortable.

I take his hands and I look at him and say, I am about to commit a sin.

And I catch shocking grasp.

What?

Heck yeah, dude.

You're certainly non-lethally.

Yeah.

Non-lethally.

Non-lethally.

Make us melee spell attack roll against the the target.

You have advantage on the attack roll if the targets wearing armor made of metal.

I'll say he does have on a metal cross, so take advantage on your roll.

That's not what the traditional read of the spell is, but he also has a lot of fillings.

So what am I rolling?

You're rolling a D20 plus your spell casting modifier.

13 plus 3.

16.

Yeah.

Okay,

you shock him really good.

He's going to go ahead and take 1d8 lightning damage, and he can't take reactions until the start of his next turn.

Whoever thought that Friar Lawrence would have a turn in Dungeons and Dragons?

So, roll 1d8 lightning damage, please.

1d8.

I'll roll it.

Oh, no!

What was that noise about it?

Seven,

which knocks him out, right?

No!

It does!

timer.

It does.

He goes, ow, fuck shit.

Ow, fuck, shit.

It's just shocking grasp, Mac.

He goes, why did you do that, my brother?

That hurts a great deal.

It was static from the robes.

I'm sorry.

I mean, I guess we're here to confess.

stuff to can i go now

i am sorry i apologize that's fine it was it is your turn in the turn order.

Yeah, right.

He holds his hands through the hole and he's like, okay, time for me to give my confession, I suppose.

Well, it wasn't done.

But turn order does.

They have other sins.

Yeah, but now it's his turn.

I mean, there's just combat.

Now you

initiated a combat with Friar Lawrence for Maria Juliet, so now he's got to take his turn in the combat against you in Gary Gygax's Dungeons and Dragons.

This is, do not put his name on what's happening on this stage tonight.

He takes takes your hands.

He says, okay, my turn.

Let me think.

Oh, okay.

One little thing.

I have given unto Juliet counsel most unwise, in fearing for her arranged betrothal with the Count Paris, she inquired of a means of

looking dead, so she canst flee with her beloved Montague by birth, who she only met like eight minutes hence.

But I gave unto young Juliet a foolhardy taint, sure, whose potency you may find difficult to believe.

With but a drop upon thine tongue, thou slippest into a slumber most deep.

To a passing eye, thou wouldst appearst graveyard dead.

Other than that, though, I'm doing pretty.

I cussed six times.

So he's already done.

So he's already done the stuff.

He's in the play.

He's already done it?

Because I was getting pretty excited because I thought dad was about to toast his ass.

And then we were going to make the leap home.

Because if he's dead, they can't kill each other.

No sad stuff.

Uh, do you have any more of the sleeping draft left?

You holding?

I assume you do, because you, you know, didn't know how many people you'd have to administer it to, correct?

I always carry a little bit of feigned death potion around with me where I go.

It gets me out of a lot of scrapes with Johnny Law, if you know what I'm saying.

Yes.

Sure, you want a little bit of tinker, brother?

No, but your penance will be to drink that draught.

What?

That's crazy.

Crazy.

You trust me.

I love it.

No, I do trust you implicitly.

But you do, you promise you'll tell someone I'm not really dead, right?

I will, though.

Absolutely.

They'll throw my ass away.

Drink up.

Drink up, Shriner.

I don't want to go in the like the no.

I will tell everybody that you're not really.

They'll put him in the black death can.

As a matter of fact,

if they put me in a black death trash can, you promise to say something.

No, no.

Okay.

Just to be sure, show me the antidote so I'll know to give you

a

antidote is two nights of the best fucking sleep you'll ever have, mister.

Seven times.

Sorry.

Sorry, Jesus.

Make a persuasion check to get this vial of sleeping draft off of him, please.

Okay.

A persuasion check would be...

Oh, that can't be right!

What do we do?

I'm going to use...

It's a one.

It's a one, so let's move forward with that.

Everything hinges on this.

I know.

That's why it's so funny that it's a one.

He starts to drink it, and the vial drops out of his hand, smashes on the floor.

I run over and I jam a chair under the handle of the confession so he can't get out.

Okay.

That's weird.

Sorry, I dropped my thing.

But the door is stuck on my confessional.

Could you get out and help me out?

Oh, sorry.

I was going to say I prefer

tuck.

And then I was going to shove the chair underneath.

Okay.

That's weird.

I don't know why you would say that person outside.

So if you could just let me out, because I did drop the potion and I can't drink it unless I lap it up like a nasty dog.

Yeah.

And I'm not going to do that no matter what.

No, yeah, I understand that.

I tell you what, this is a confessional, so I assume it is soundproof.

So instead, as a bonus action, I cast alter self

on myself.

Okay.

Now we're cooking.

I thought thought you took dad

backstage.

Amanda told you without a moment's hesitation that you look like a penis right now.

And I thought you took a pen.

That's someone, Dad, I want to say, that's someone we pay.

Like, technically, she works for us.

And she told our dad, you look like a penis.

So I thought you had taken that off.

I mean, when you asked Amanda, this is true.

Amanda asked, helped him put it on, and she looked at him, and dad said, How's it look?

And Amanda said, well, it looks stupid.

And he said, uh, and then she said, Well, you wanted it to look stupid.

And he said, Yeah.

And she said, Well, it looks stupid.

And so now, how stupid do I look?

I now have a tonsure.

Yeah, no.

Just like Father Lawrence.

Yeah, Father Joey Lawrence.

He says,

oh,

he says,

I do like your cut.

So

if you could just get out and let me out of my confessional, this potion actually, some of the vapors are starting to float up here and they're getting a little funky.

No,

I'm out of here.

Okay.

And he leaves.

You leave the confessional, you hear the door rattle outside, Mutt.

The chair wiggles a little bit, and it's making quite a bit of noise.

What do you do, Mutt?

I set the confessional on fire.

No,

Jesus Christ.

Take that.

I say, shh.

Give me a fucking persuasion check.

The most terse persuasion I've ever heard.

A shh is just a request for someone to be quiet.

It does depend on the tone of the shush, too, on what role it is, right?

Like an intimidation shush.

19.

Okay.

Okay.

That was that so that was a persuasive argumentative shush.

Yes.

Not a scary shush.

You hear silence from inside the booth for a moment, and then you hear, oh, fuck.

As he falls down to the ground, Father Joey Briar Lawrence is,

Friar Lawrence is out of commission.

Now I move the chair.

What's that?

Now I move the chair.

Or is he?

No, it is.

It is.

Alter self to look like Father Lawrence.

Is that what you're doing?

Yes!

Okay.

Please don't yell in the microwave.

Friar Lawrence steps out.

It's you of the confessional booth.

The other one is in the other side of the booth.

You've moved the door.

Now, I guess just hope no one goes in to do a confessional.

I hang an out-of-order sign on it.

Yeah.

Men confessing.

We've got one of those yellow.

Now it's the connection to God is loose.

We've got to tighten that back up.

Your reception's being weird.

You step away from hanging up this sign.

I will say you kind of put the last English on on this ball of changing the story of Romeo and Juliet.

As that happens,

does

an 18 beat your AC?

Who are you speaking to?

I'm talking to yes, but

yes, it does.

An 18 beats your AC.

What were you looking at?

as you stepped away from the 18th century.

The bright future ahead of me, baby.

You were just looking ahead of you?

I was looking at the table of raucous party boys.

You were looking at the table of raucous party boys.

Okay.

You are going to take

eight points of piercing damage.

And

you feel that just for a moment.

And then that pain is like, whatever, man.

Was there even any pain to begin with?

Looking over at this table of raucous party goers, you see

this

raucous, drunken man who looks rather tipsy and you look over there and you find yourself just entranced

charmed by them brother Philo

does a 13 beat your AC brother Philo

yes

He didn't even have his character sheet loaded.

I did!

What the fuck out?

What kind of like...

It's literally, I want to record for history.

His iPad right now at this moment is just pictures of snowflakes.

I wish.

I wish.

Justin, can you unfuck whatever?

Like, that's Mac.

That's a new low, man.

That's crazy.

You can't be on stage with a Windows 95 screensaver.

Look, it's not a bit.

It's It's not a bit, it's just pictures of snowflakes.

And it won't go away.

I'm looking at real people in the crowd, real people that pay real money to be here, and I'm telling you,

my bad is just snowflakes, guys.

It's just snowflakes.

Let's just say no.

Okay.

It didn't hit.

As punishment does hit.

Perhaps because of your unique material composition,

you hear a sound, a thwing

sound.

You do not feel any other ill effects aside from

four points of piercing damage.

Lady Godwin.

Yep.

That is a three.

Does not beat your AC, I am sure.

It doesn't.

Mine is 14.

I know that as well as I know my own name, Griffin.

You

look around and you see one of the women that was part of sort of Rosalind's posse

sort of reacts with a start and then stands up

and looks around the room.

And then you see kind of walks towards the prince out of nowhere.

From outside, everything okay over there because it looks like you're trying to hack dad's fucking files.

It's all good stuff, Griffin.

I'm almost through the ice, baby.

You all see Rosalind run back in the room and she is weeping.

She is so bummed out.

And she runs up to you and she's she's like.

I found him.

I found him, Lady Sarah Jessica Parker III,

Yorkshire?

Sorry?

Of Devonshire.

That was a test to pass.

I found him, but he said he's, quote, all about Juliet now.

Oh, no.

And that I should

take a hike.

But anyway, if you want to find him, he's over by the balcony for some reason.

We'll take a break here.

We'll be right back.

After a brief intermission, there's posters in the lobby.

Please go check them out.

They're very cool.

We'll be back in a few minutes.

I hear one of my cats upstairs crying.

You know what they're, you know, what they're upset about.

Just like the state of things and whatever.

No, they're only ever wanting one thing, and that's for me to get the smalls out.

Dad, we don't know how to.

Yeah, they love the smooth bird.

Dad, we want our smooth bird.

We don't have jobs.

We can't buy our own food.

We don't know how to order things.

Dad, we're so scared.

We're cats and we've gained complete human intelligence.

What's happening?

Where are we?

Yeah.

Where are we?

But you know what?

I calm them right down with smalls because you're going to get a package of smalls, right?

You're going to open it up.

You're going to put it in front of your cats there, put it into a bowl, whatever you're going to, I don't know your business.

But when you put it out there, these cats are going to freak out.

And you're also going to see some long-lasting effects.

In my experience, at least, my cats have been a little healthier.

They've had a nice, nice-looking coat, and they just love, they love smalls.

They love it.

Smalls cat food is protein-packed recipes made with preservative-free ingredients.

And it's delivered right to your door.

And cats.com named it their best overall cat food.

And get this.

After switching to smalls, 88% of cat owners report overall health improvements.

For smalls food, that's a big deal.

For a limited time only because you are a zone.

I was really proud of that, Justin.

I was really proud of that.

Sorry, Trav.

That was great.

thank you for a limited time only because you're an adventure zone listener you can get 60 off your first smalls order plus free shipping when you head to smalls.com slash adventure that's 60 off when you head to smalls.com slash adventure plus free shipping again that's smalls.com slash adventure hey this week we're coming to sorry to interrupt i just kind of burst in okay yeah sorry hey i'm also sorry i'm also sorry and i'm here and i'm interrupting too if you're coming to uh uh our shows this week in san antonio and Austin, thank you.

If you're not already planning on coming, why not?

We want to see you there.

We need you there.

Join the show.

What are you doing?

It's so great.

Yeah.

If you're coming to the show and you want to have a question,

you got a question you want answered, you want a fear read aloud, we got you.

Email that to mbmbam at maximumfund.org and put your city in the subject line in Austin.

And Austin.

What, Trap?

What are we doing in Austin, buddy?

Well, we're doing Adventure Zone versus Hercules, and it's going to be a real treat.

You're going to feel happier than you've ever felt in your entire life.

Yeah, we're also coming to Utah and California later this year.

Tickets for all those shows are on sale now.

More info and ticket links are available at bit.ly forward slash McElroyTours.

Oh, we also have new merch because it's a new month.

Yeah, we have a month, new merch, new you.

Well, yeah, sort of.

We've got a brand new Gerald t-shirt over there designed by Lynn Doyle.

Go to mackelroymerch.com and check it out.

And 10% of all merch proceeds this month will be donated to Equality Florida, which is dedicated to securing full equality for Florida's LGBTQ community.

So go to macroymerch.com to get yours now.

You know, we've been doing my brother, my brother, me for 15 years.

And

maybe you stopped listening for a while.

Maybe you never listened.

And you're probably assuming three white guys talking for 15 years.

I know where this has ended up.

But no, no, you would be wrong.

We're as shocked as you are that we have not fallen into some sort of horrific scandal or just turned into a big crypto thing.

Yeah, you don't even really know how crypto works.

The only NFTs I'm into are naughty, funny things, which is what we talk about on my brother, my brother, and me.

We serve it up every Monday for you if you're listening.

And if not, we just leave it out back and goes rotten.

So check it out on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts.

All right, we're over 70 episodes into our show, Let's Learn Everything.

So let's do a quick progress check.

Have we learned about quantum physics?

Yes, episode 59.

We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we?

Yes, we have.

Same episode, actually.

Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?

Episode 64.

So how close are we to learning everything?

Bad news.

We still haven't learned everything yet.

Oh, we're ruined.

No, no, no.

It's good news as well.

There is still a lot to learn.

Woo!

I'm Dr.

Ella Hubber.

I'm regular Tom Lum.

I'm Caroline Roper, and on Let's Learn Everything, we learn about science and a bit of everything else too.

And although we haven't learned everything yet, I've got a pretty good feeling about this next episode.

Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun.

Hello, thank you for coming back.

Before we get going with Act Two of our show, we moved to the.

I'm sorry we didn't have enough music for you to triumphantly walk on stage there.

We made you

saddle on in silence.

I apologize.

We have posters out in the lobby.

You can grab them after the show if there's any left.

Thank you to Maddie, who designed the posters for us.

They're amazing.

We also have some challenge coins out there

for Mabimbam listeners with both your themes.

You really get your money's worth.

And all proceeds go to Feeding Tampa Bay.

We don't have a confidence monitor out here this time.

So let's get right back into it.

Absolutely.

So we're at the balcony, right?

You have made your way toward the balcony following Rosalind's tip.

You make your way out through the courtyard, and

you are

standing at the foot of a 10-foot high stone wall.

Beyond it, you can hear two voices engaged in passionate conversation.

The balcony scene that you all know is happening right now, some 20 feet beyond the wall.

What do you do?

There is nothing these clowns hate more than a wall that gets in their way.

The way their minds work is they're always inventing the most preposterous solution to any problem.

So wall really throws them for a loop.

Yeah.

We heckle.

Yeah.

You heckle the wall?

I'm going to stop.

No, we heckle the stage.

I'm going to, check this out.

I'm going to use my athletics skill to climb the wall.

Whoa!

Listen, no, no, no, no, no.

This is important because you're probably thinking, because of my heritage as a barbarian and some of my physical attributes, I have a talent for athletics.

So that's reflected in an increased score when I roll.

If you've never played D ⁇ D before.

If you've never played D ⁇ D before you, give me an athletics roll as you start to climb.

Son of a bitch.

I mean,

okay, I roll an eight plus six, 14 to get over a 10-foot wall.

Absolutely.

With your barbaric might, you are able to find grooves in the cobbles.

to climb over.

You drop down into the bushes on the other side of the wall.

I didn't say that.

And, oh, okay.

I throw a rope down that I also have in my adventure gear to help my fellow adventurers scale the wall.

You reach.

You reach into something the three of you all have, which is, at this point, a cobweb-covered adventurer's kit.

With a bunch of shit in it.

You.

Is this hemp and rope?

You open up a Tinderbox and 12 cockroaches climb out of it like, oh, fuck.

these are material components for border kai's magical watchdog how did this get here

uh and you hand down some rope uh your two compatriots now have a much easier way of getting up uh over the wall i summon a gorilla

using summon beast Travis said to us backstage, we don't have to move at rain pace, but I am feeling pretty bad, so don't don't stretch it out.

Your solution for climbing the wall is summon a fucking gorilla I love it

he doesn't feel that bad it's what you're saying a gorilla appears in front of you but a spiritual gorilla it is a he's yeah he has that he's so soulful but is it deeply deep he lands in front of you he's like

yeah

uh he is looking towards you for uh

Any kind of he immediately goes fucking crazy and starts just tearing shit up.

Take me over the the wall, man.

Give me an animal handling check with advantage.

This is your own spirit, gorilla.

I don't know if that's how this works, but it's how it works today.

Baby, really taking your time with these rocks.

I have advantage.

Thank God.

Okay, so, what was it?

Animal handling?

Yes, please.

So 13 plus.

There's a rope.

All right, 13 plus 7.

That's a gentleman's 20.

A gentleman's 20.

The gorilla looks at you, looks at the wall, says...

Sir, there's a rope.

He says,

no problem, boss.

And he scoops you up and throws you over his shoulder, leaps over the wall without using the rope.

He looks at the rope, he says, not for me.

And he goes up over the wall.

Thank you, sir, bananas.

He sets you down in the bushes on the other side of the wall, hidden from the scene taking place, and then looks at you like, what other stuff you got for me?

I listen, he's gonna blow our cover, so I tackle him.

Wait, the gorilla attackle the gorilla.

Shh, be quiet.

Uh, okay, uh, make an attack roll against the spiritual gorilla.

God, if you had a dollar for every time you said that, huh?

That's a 10.

Man, total, just like 10.

No, it's 10 plus 6.

16.

Yeah, 16.

You swipe your axe downward through the head of the gorilla, and he.

Non-lethal.

He disappears into into a puff of ether he's not real okay i just was trying to get it in there all right now you summon him back he reappears

and boss what's that lady's deal

uh just be chill man

what

okay go over there and kind of distract them for a while while we figure out what to do No problem.

Before that happens, Brother Philo, you're alone and you

you look like a human.

Before you, there are two choices.

A rope and a gorilla.

You could beg the girl.

No, the gorilla's off doing his own thing now because of Travis's choices and actions.

Okay, then I'll do the obvious thing and cast Levitate.

Yeah, sure.

You levitate right next to the rope.

You go up over it.

I'm using it like a guide, so I know what direction to go.

Okay, that's great.

Bulletin.

Bitches up.

I reach into my adventures kit.

I get the oil for my lamp, and I use it to set the rope on on fire.

You hit him with the old Kevin McAllister burning rope trick, but nothing happens because he is levitating.

So your rope is destroyed.

It's a great purpose in the universe fulfilled.

You hover over the wall.

I will say with the guiding rope before it burnts up.

You don't have to worry about going too high and

blowing your cover.

You do, as you mount the wall, see a gorilla just run over there,

and he is going to attack Romeo.

On the ground, you see Romeo say, With love's light wings did I overcome.

No killing, Sir Nanny.

That will be very distracting.

You hear, as he is going on, you shout that.

He says, Sorry, it says, Oh my God,

and the gorilla is going to attack him.

But I said, No killing.

Okay, you do say no killing.

He'll hear that.

He is a gorilla.

Give me an animal handling check as you shout out to him.

No killing.

I'll grant you advantage on this.

It says it obeys your verbal commands.

Okay, well then fine.

He won't kill him.

But he is going to hit him.

Okay.

Even if he dies as a result of that, that's kind of out of his hands.

He's a gorilla.

I don't have Romeo's AC written down here, but it's almost certainly lower than 14 plus gorilla strength.

So you see Romeo go, for stony limits cannot hold love out, and what love can do that!

And the gorilla just grabs him by the ankles and swings him overhead and smashes him down into the ground.

You hear Juliet from the balcony shout, like, What the fuck?

What?

I see Juliet in the balcony.

I reach for my rope.

No problem.

It's gone.

Oh, no!

Godwin, you fool!

Who's out there?

Gorilla!

Gods!

Gods!

What are the rest of you doing?

I run to Romeo's side.

Okay.

By this point, the gorilla has called off the attack.

Knowing he can't kill, it's not fun for him anymore.

So he just kind of walks up.

Do you dismiss him, or how long does your gorilla last?

He just walks off into the forest.

I send him home to the spiritual realm.

Okay.

He walks off into some nearby corn, field of dreams style.

She, sorry, what were you doing, Friar Lawrence?

Runs to his side.

Okay, as you run into view of the torchlight, Juliet says, is that Friar Lawrence?

Friar Lawrence, what's happening?

A wild ape beast has attacked my love Romeo Anon.

Oh, yes.

Why are you speaking in such a strange manner?

That's how I remembered his voice from the first act of the show.

No, my friar in Christ, it was nothing like that.

Hold on.

And I run ahead, kneel at Romeo's side.

He looks up at you.

Is Juliet still there?

Did I shit my pants?

Hold on, let me check.

Okay.

Oh, God.

Give me...

Either an investigation or a medical check as you look over Romeo to see if he shit his pants.

Boy, this is one I don't want to do well.

Medical.

That would be

the Nat 20.

Nat 20.

Just when I needed it most.

You did.

With a Nat 20.

Show me that shit.

As he climbs to his knees, you can see he did not soil himself.

You do notice, as you are giving him a look over, there is something

wrong with the back of his head.

There's something strange happening there

that you can't quite put a finger on.

I put my finger on it.

Within that 20 medical check, you reach to kind of feel what's going on there.

Your hand touches something invisible.

As it does, the illusion breaks.

There is the

shaft and fletching of an arrow sticking out of the back of Romeo's head that was invisible just a moment ago.

Now you feel it there.

And he says, thank you, Fra,

I am feeling right as rain.

So anyway, alack there lies more peril in the water.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Yeah.

Hold on.

Do you know that you have an arrow sticking out of the back of your head?

He looks at you like you're off your fucking nut, man.

I pull it out.

Okay.

The arrow out of his head.

Yeah, no.

You're embarrassing.

Get your mind out of the gutter.

None of you have parents.

You vassals.

Describe the manner in which you're removing this arrow.

You gotta push it through the other side.

Oh, no.

I'm just gonna jerk it out.

Jerk it out.

No, no!

You fucking freaks!

Show me, jerk it out.

I'm gonna say straight-up strength check, then, please.

Give me a straight-up strength check.

Wow.

Okay.

Couldn't I heal him or something?

No, no, no.

Okay, strength check.

I mean, if you want to heal him, yeah, man.

It's Dungeons and Dragons.

That would be a more normal-ass thing for you to do.

But the arrow will still be in there.

Yeah, good point.

That's a great point, Griffin.

No matter what healing is about to take place, job one is get this fucking arrow out, man.

All right, give me a strength check.

Strength.

Here we go.

That's a six.

Okay, you jump up on his back and grab this arrow and tug it backwards.

And he goes, he says, and but thou love me.

Let the

What?

What the fuck was that?

What are you doing to me back there?

I am punishing you for your lust.

Is that how it works?

Yes.

In my order, yes.

He looks around and he's like, man, that hurt a lot.

I don't know if all this is worth it.

Well,

let me tell you something.

There is something wrong with you in the fact that you have an arrow in the back of your head.

An arrow in the back of my head.

He starts screaming bloody murder.

And Juliet looks down.

Now that you've said that, the illusion breaks for her too.

And the other two there, you can see it now.

There is a big arrow sticking out of the back of his head.

He is screaming, running around the yard.

Juliet doesn't know what to do.

Like, get it out!

Get it out!

Or don't get it out.

I don't know.

I'm not a

I'm the strongest one.

I'll pull it out of his head.

Okay, give me a strength check, please

as he sees you walking towards him.

He's like, no, no, don't do it again.

Don't do it again.

That's okay, no big deal.

Shh.

I rolled a 17 plus 320.

Yeah.

You hear one last shriek and then

That's actually a lot better now.

Thank you.

He stands up.

He's like, whoa, that hurt a great deal.

I should probably head to the Italian hospital and

get this scene to.

Thank you so much.

And you up there?

I guess thanks.

Whatever, man.

He starts to just walk away nonchalantly, away from Juliet, who's like, but wait, my fair Romeo,

thou art the East.

And ah, fuck, wait, no.

Where are you going?

Don't just walk with.

She seems really upset.

Romeo's just kind of fucking dipping.

No problem.

I mean, okay.

It's better.

I'm going to walk with him.

You start to walk towards him.

I need actually all three of you to make a dexterity saving throw, please.

15 plus 2, 17.

With a.

Okay, yeah, cool.

The other two?

11 plus 7, 18.

Yeah, absolutely.

8 plus 1,

9.

Hey, Dad, you didn't even hesitate, dude.

You added those together instantly.

Nice go on.

I'm good at math.

Yeah.

I'm just not dexterous.

Yeah.

The two of you see shadows cast by the moonlight overhead.

It seems like a flock of passing birds.

You recognize, wait, there's no birds.

These are dangerous and we need to move.

You step out of the way instinctively and you hear

and see the grass at your feet bend and break as a flurry of something just crashes into the ground next to you.

Brother Philo, you are not so quick.

You are struck by these arrows.

You take nine points of piercing damage.

However,

you stand from being struck, you look down, you can see the arrows sticking out of you.

You can see from the little gaps in your wooden body little pink secretions coming out from where the arrows are sticking into you.

There appears to be no other ill effect.

I'm going to make a dexterity saving throw for Romeo.

That's a three.

He

gets hit by all of these arrows, and unfortunately, he looks over at you, Brother Philo, who was walking with him, and is like, Friar Lawrence,

what's your story, man?

Well, I am from the Order of St.

Tancred.

We are probably the best of all of the orders, and

I would think that it would be probably a good idea for you to join us.

Oh,

with

daddy-os like yourself in the order,

I shall get me to a nunnery.

More like a funner.

More like a funnery, it sounds like.

Am I right?

With your struggle with lust, perhaps a vow of chastity would not be the same.

Or maybe all I need is a little relief.

I'm going to step away from this scene immediately.

Are we still pink secreting?

No.

Okay, I see the pinks.

Can I clock the the pink secretion?

Yes, you can.

Okay, thank you.

I'm gonna go over and like dip my finger in the pink and like put my like see.

Make a constitution saving throw for me, please.

16 plus 218.

Okay, with the 16 plus 218, you dab your finger in it, you taste it.

It has a cloyingly sweet taste to it.

You feel

like a shiver pass through you

that at first feels kind of good and you're looking at Romeo like, hmm, I wonder what Romeo's up to right now.

And then that feeling, your strong barbaric constitution pushes it aside.

You realize there is the act of some sort of

psychic poison, some sort of psychotropic emotional poison that has just acted upon you that you've just fought off.

I'll look at the arrow that I have.

Does it seem to be, the one that I pulled out, does it seem to be

denatured or depowered or whatever?

It has delivered its stuff.

Okay.

Didn't want to say payload, dude.

Yeah, didn't want to say payload.

You all hear a scream come from back inside the ballroom and a bunch of voices screaming as some kerfuffle has brewed in your absence.

Romeo says, but soft, what scream from yonder ballroom breaks?

And he takes off, right?

He runs to the wall and he opens up a little gate.

that you guys just didn't see

and runs through it and you see him disappear into the ballroom and Juliet looks pretty bummed out and she just kind of walks off back into her bedroom you hear more screaming from inside what do you do I go into the ballroom do I see the gate yeah everyone can see the gate now and you all feel like assholes

okay you all race back into the ballroom you find a gory scene

You see a man on the ground dead.

It is the drunk party goer that you saw earlier and thought, hmm, looking pretty good.

It was Mercutio, but you didn't meet him, but he's dead now.

I just, sorry, I just saw six of you all nodding.

Like, I thought it was Mercutio.

And you see standing over him that...

grumpy looking capulet from the stage holding a rapier dripping with his blood.

You assume, hey, that's probably Tybalt since he famously kills Mercutio.

He shouts, let it be known, kinsman, this knave didst attend this party with the son of a Montague and drew his blade upon me when I talked shit about said Montague.

Ah, there's the devil now, Romeo.

I shall.

But Romeo just runs in and just like with sword forward, runs him through.

And Tybalt falls to the ground dead.

And everyone's looking around.

Oh, wait, Griffin, I was going to do something.

Romeo, don't.

Okay.

Give me a persuasion check.

He's running forward like, ah!

No.

What was it?

It's like a six plus something.

He looks at you like, no, I want to.

Okay.

He runs Tybalt through, and everyone's standing up.

Some people are just like running for the entrance.

Others are like running to attend

to Romeo.

You hear another shrill scream.

You see Juliet standing in the middle of the ballroom.

She surveys the situation for a moment, sees that Romeo has just killed someone.

Romeo looks at her and is like, whatever, man.

And she looks around.

She pulls out the vial of poison and drinks it and gulps it and falls down, seemingly dead on the ground.

And Romeo looks at her and is like,

that was weird.

Anyway.

Can I say one thing?

Yes, go ahead.

Rosalind's looking good.

Don't you think?

I thought.

He looks over at Rosalind.

You see him

look down at the ground as an arrow

shoots and sticks into the ground.

He says, wow, that was weird.

The second arrow does get him in the back, and then he's like, ooh.

He looks over at Juliet and he's like, oh, bummer!

And he walks over and he pulls out his own little leather flask of poison and he's like, this shit's real.

No, but that one's not.

That's not real.

She's not really dead, man.

Look at her.

She's dead.

I spin kick it out of his hand.

make an attack roll

i have

spin kick it could be a defensive spin kick i'm not i'm just saying not all spin kicks are attacks they're defensive it's a life-saving spin kick they're romantic spin kicks to woo there could be a lot of different 2b verbs that are sure serving yeah give me that please make it high Oh, good news, Griffin.

It is a 14 plus 620.

Yeah.

With a 20, you spin kick the flask out of his hand, even though it was a leather bag.

With a 20, it shatters as it hits the wall, and it just leaves like a burning sort of splotch of acid.

And he's like, Jesus Christ.

It was no good.

I'm so glad I did not put that in my body.

Griffin, can I track where that arrow that hit him the direction that it came from?

Very good.

By using locate object.

Sure, yes.

Give me, yeah, I guess that's not a roll or anything.

Yeah.

so I described the object.

So if they fire that, they must have a quiver of other areas, other arrows.

So I'm looking for similar arrows.

Okay, yes, that's great.

Because you can see this arrow and you know what it looks like, your keen ranger tracking senses allow you to see other arrows in this room.

You can see them in little jangly bundles floating around.

There's about a half dozen of these bundles of arrows now, just kind of floating around through the air.

Their means of conveyance you cannot quite identify.

Anything else you want to do?

Yes, I'm going to then cast ensnaring strike

and fire my

crossbow.

At the arrows.

At the arrows.

Fantastic.

I love that so much.

You will incur no penalty for this since you have a pretty good idea of where you are aiming.

I believe this is just a ranged attack roll that you are making.

When you do this, you see, as the crossbow comes out, all of the arrows come to an immediate panicked stop.

I'm going to give you advantage on this roll for catching whatever is happening here by surprise.

The first one is an 18 total.

Yes.

And the second one...

You're firing off a couple.

Well, you said I got advantage.

Oh, yes, you're right.

So 11.

Okay, 18.

We'll do the 18 and with your permission.

Thank you.

You fire out an arrow and it sticks in the air right in front of one of these bundles of arrows and you hear a...

As that happens, all of you look up and see the crossbow bolt floating in the air, and then you see what is around.

Well, I cast ensnaring strike.

Vines first, I guess.

You see the vines, the resulting vines of the ensnaring strike.

You just see vines and vines and vines, and you think there can't be anyone beneath all these

crazy vines.

What do you mean to roll a strength save?

Beat a 15.

That's a five.

So, no.

You see these vines reach up and grasp around where this crossbow bolt and the bundle of arrows is floating in the air.

The arrows that you hit were the largest and most sort of threatening looking of all.

Vines reach up, pull them down to the ground.

As that happens, all things invisible in this room come into view.

First of all, all the other bundles of arrows, there's six of them floating in the air.

You see appear in front of them wings and chubby little bodies.

And you think at first like, oh, it's like little cherubs, but instead of faces, they have anatomically correct hearts for heads.

And there's a half dozen of them surrounding the vines where you can see ensnared an actual angel on the ground.

They have a shit ton of wings, like way more wings than you'd think they'd have, and a massive long bow that dwarfs the short bows held by the cherubs surrounding them.

Oh no.

It's my one fear.

Biblically accurate angels.

you hear a choir of voices come out of this entity that says you have spoiled everything

when I found this work by thrillium it was lacking in message and purpose and now it has purpose an object lesson that sometimes love gets a little toxic

That's something to aspire to.

How can you truly love another person without being willing to die for someone you literally met like two days ago no but you made the story all crazy and bad what do you mean they're just children i mean it's terrible yeah juliet's 14

there's a version of the story where it's all happy and everything's great that sounds excellent the sky tears open you see thrillium shakespeare's face fucking appear and poke into the room and he says actually in this version everyone's a fully grown adult it's fucking weird any other way i think And then Bona Boy's road trip to Varoda, everyone's a grown-up.

That's important for every...

Okay, I gotta go.

So

I was actually really confused about one thing, and I do want to touch on that real quick.

They are fully grown adults.

That was my mistake, and I do apologize.

He comes back in.

Every time I come in to talk to you, it's so, it hurts my body so much.

Is it you?

That's what i'm trying you're like reaching into your own consciousness i'll explain later it hurts so bad to do this he disappears back into the light fold wait why did he that time he just popped in to say how much it hurt why did he do that why did you do that he comes back

did you guys figure out who's doing all this bad stuff Yeah, it's an angel.

Six cupids, I think.

Cube?

As you say the name, the angel looks at you like, you know my name.

Now you have power over me.

Them's the rules.

He draws his longbow, as do his fellow cherubs.

Let's roll initiative, please.

Oh, 18.

18 for Lady Godwin.

I got five total.

Not great, not great.

How are we looking there, Philo?

Oh, of course.

19.

Okay.

With a 19.

19.

I love that.

Philo's like, stand back, guys.

I know exactly what to do.

I've been in situations like this before.

Let me go first.

All right.

First in the order is, of course, Brother Philo.

Brother Philo,

what do you do?

Philo casts Melf's acid arrow.

Great.

At Cupid.

Okay, at what level?

Second.

Okay.

That's a one-spot.

I didn't think I know.

I would assume you would know what that means, Clint.

Yeah.

Give me your range spell attack roll, which I hope you know how to do after talking shit just now.

19.

Yes, a 19 absolutely hits.

Give me the damage roll on MILF's acid arrow.

And I want to congratulate all of us for not making a MILF joke.

This is literally the first fucking time we ever made it through that without it.

11 years.

I think we're finally growing, guys.

It feels so good.

That was a lot of vamping, Dad, Dad, to get you to.

I know.

It went away while I was waiting for you.

Yeah, there's just more snow now.

It's just snow and snow and snow.

Oh, that can't be right.

11, yeah.

11.

11 points of acid damage.

You blast Cupid right in the chest with a bolt of acid.

You see, some of it gets on his left wing and starts to sizzle through some of the feathers.

Stupid Cupid.

He looks hurt.

Lady Godwin, you're up next.

What do you do?

I am going to

throw Jennifer Myers at the damaged wing.

Oh, okay.

And yeah, alright.

It's the only axe Target had.

Like, you don't have to be mean about it.

It's a Minecraft axe, okay?

It's the only one Target had.

Okay, Justin.

Okay, so give me an attack roll, please, with your stats on Jennifer Myers, an axe most potent.

Not a Lego axe from Minecraft.

Okay, no, not a Lego axe from Minecraft.

Your roll.

I roll a 14 plus 620.

Yes, a 20 hits Cupid.

He is also restrained.

It is not the most difficult target to strike.

There's no damage with that.

Okay, you chop it right in the wing where some of the acid had melted away.

Now there's a pretty good chunk taken out of that wing.

It screams in a thousand voices and you all go go insane.

No, just kidding.

Is it still flying?

No, it's been pulled down to the ground.

But, oh, wait, you have another attack if you would like to.

I'm going to do the exact same thing to the

wing.

I really want to get that wing off.

Sure, sure, sure.

That's good.

I should point out, biblically accurate angel, more than two wings.

Oh, that's true.

Between five to six wings.

It's crazy.

Let's go for a quick spin kick to the head of Cupid.

Perfect.

The wing of the neck, as I always say.

The body's most important wing, the head.

That is a five

plus six.

An 11 does not do it.

I didn't think so, okay.

The head is way smaller than you thought it was going to be, and your foot passes right over.

Whoa, your head is small.

It shrieks in a thousand voices.

You go insane and die.

Yeah!

Wow!

Next in the order is Cupid.

First of all, Cupid's going to take some damage.

Roll 1d6 for me, please, Mutt.

You were ready.

That's five.

Five.

All right.

Not quite bloodied yet.

Cupid does look pretty bummed out at the many hits it has taken in the last two and a half seconds.

It, however, is

going to make a strength check to try to free itself.

Does a

16 beat your spell save TC?

Okay.

It pulls itself out.

Spell save is 15.

It pulls itself out of the vines and lifts back up off into the air, a little bit unsturdy.

It is going to take a shot at...

Who has hurt it the worst?

It's going to take a shot at Lady Godwin.

Fair enough.

Lady Godwin, you see it pull back one of its huge arrows on its longbow and fire it off at you.

That is a two.

That's not going, it's simply not gonna hit.

It's just not gonna hit.

You see it as it hits the ground, it shatters the tile that it smashes down into.

It is going to then use its multi-attack to take another shot at you, Lady Godwin.

Travis, I mean, I'm not gonna make you get up and look because you're sick, but it's another fucking two, like exactly, exactly a two again.

So that one misses.

So more like two.

Say something else that's entertaining for everybody,

but then with the exact same parameters again, okay?

I'm so sick.

More More like Cupid.

Okay.

Multi-attack, the Cupid makes three arrow attacks.

So the third attack is going to come at you, Mutt, just for being the way you just were.

Unfortunately, that is a 15 plus 7.

A 22 is going to hit you.

4.

2d8 plus 4.

4.

13 points of piercing damage.

This arrow gets you.

Who are you looking at as this arrow hits you?

The mirror.

You give him a door, he's going to step through it.

I mean, if you know Cupid logic, I'll say...

You didn't say, what are you looking at?

And don't say mirror.

You're right.

Every other future time I have to ask this question, I will include the mirror in there.

You get shot.

As you get shot, you look into a nearby, well-polished window and see your own reflection.

You're looking pretty good these days, man.

Being the king agrees with you.

These feelings are confusing.

Or maybe not

at all confusing.

Before you can really reflect on it, a salvo of arrows from the six cherubs are going to come flying at your party.

Let's get a dexterity-saving throw from all three of you again, please.

Big yawn there.

We will forgive.

Hang in there, buddy.

You're doing great.

Eight.

No, 10 plus 2.

12.

Thank you.

12 plus 7.

19.

19, yes.

13 plus 1.

14.

Okay.

Philo and Mutt, you are able to tuck and roll out of the way as this just flurry of arrows comes flying out of these two sort of regiments of cherubs.

However, Lady Godwin, you are not so fortunate.

You are struck by

three tiny arrows, and you take a grand total of

11 points of piercing damage.

You look down, you have all of these little, about dart-sized arrows sticking out of you.

Make a constitution-saving throw for me, please, Lady Godwin.

Let me take that damage.

Okay.

You see that pink stuff.

Don't

16.

You fight off that pink stuff.

Congratulations.

You're better than it.

This time, you're looking at, I mean, what?

Not a mirror.

Cupid.

You're looking at Cupid and thinking, like, I bet it would be hard to make that work

with it being a sort of celestial entity.

As long as we keep making new holes, we'll figure out something eventually.

That horrible thought...

leaves your mind as quickly as it enters it as you fight off the intoxicating effects of Cupid's arrows.

Next in the order is Mutt.

What do you do?

That's a great, great question, Griffin.

Thank you.

I'm going to pull out Scalibur.

Great.

Being in Italy, its powers have waned.

I'm going to put Scalibur away.

Okay.

And I'm going to pull out my crossbow.

Okay.

And aim for Cupid.

Okay.

And shoot him.

Your crossbow is of Italian make, so weirdly enough, no.

Yes.

Make that attack roll, please.

You got it, bud.

Getting there.

If you do it good enough, you'll shoot him in the brain and then he'll die and then you can go to sleep.

I want to so bad.

It's a nat 20.

Oh my god, guys.

Gary Gygax is real.

Thank you, Gary.

We are in the same DD Beyond campaign.

I can confirm it, as appeared on my screen, that a natural 20 has occurred on this stage tonight.

Jesus Christ.

All right.

Roll double damage on your attack roll.

You get him right between the eyes.

And it shouts now with 2,000 voices.

It thought all the wing stuff was bad.

Who boy?

Okay, that is 17 damage total.

Yes.

As you hit it right between the eyes, it does not fall over dead.

However, it looks up and much as Romeo did when he discovered his own tragic head projectile wound, he reaches up and in 5,000 voices screams

the loudest scream any of you have ever heard.

And I do my second attack.

9 plus 6, 15.

That will hit this screaming, screaming angel.

It's another nine points of damage.

With nine points of damage, you put one sort of in a nice triangle pattern with all of the other stuff sticking out of this Cupid.

It does not go down.

It is looking pretty rough.

It is not quite able to maintain a steady flight pattern.

We're back to the top of the order.

With Brother Philo, what do you do?

Brother Philo casts Skyrite.

Buckle the fuck up, everyone.

I've been doing that with this man for 11 years, and usually this is the portent of something pretty fucking wild about to happen.

You cause up to 10 words to form in a part of the sky you can see.

You're indoors.

There's still sky, isn't there?

There's one window in the the corner.

You see Friar Lawrence climb out of his booth, like, oh,

ah,

you, everyone, look outside.

And everyone walks, even Cupid walks over to the window, like, what the fuck?

Yeah, and it says,

You cherubs,

cut this shit out

right now.

Sincerely, God.

That's for you, Travi.

Give me a deception check.

You could have just

stabbed him.

Don't be like, that's for you, Travis, when I just shot him with a bunch of arrows.

And you're like, I know what I'll do.

Some dumb shit.

You have a spell.

Hey, Travis, a spell.

I thought you like magic.

When you cast a magic spell, it always works, as we all know.

I'll say deception check with advantage.

You are leaning on a lot of stuff with which you are familiar.

So that means you roll two 20-sided dice and take the higher result.

Surely.

This is the moment.

Your shining hour.

Good job, Dad.

27.

What the fuck?

Good.

You never before in the history of TAS Live.

I mean, you did it wrong, but

the cherubs,

I know he's so sick.

The cherubs, the tiny cherubs, look up and they look at Cupid like, we can't get in trouble with the big man.

Sorry, boss.

The six cherubs all flitter away out of the windows up into the sky.

Only Cupid remains.

Lady Godwin, you are up next.

I pick up the two arrows on the ground from your two misses earlier that didn't discharge because if you miss, the pink stuff wouldn't come out, right?

That's what I learned in health class.

I'll pick up the two arrows and leap at Cupid with the double attack to plunge the arrows into Cupid.

Give me two attack rolls, please.

Perfect number of them.

This is the moment.

19 plus 6, 25.

Yeah, of course, absolutely.

And 6 plus 6, 12.

12 does not hit.

One of them hits his neck kind of weird.

Roll 1d10 damage for me for these wayward bolts.

And then I'm going to roll a constitution saving throw.

Eight.

Okay.

You stab him.

Where do you put it?

In his eyeball.

You asked me where.

That seems like a very good place.

It looks up at you and

you stab it into its eye.

Do I see love flooding its eye?

You do see, well, first you see it shriek in 25,000 voices.

Okay.

Oh, dang.

It is not quite dead.

However, the Cupid looks up at you and is like, and in like 30,000 voices, it's like,

looking pretty good right now,

my fair elderly matron.

I'm nothing compared to Rosalind.

And then I use Jennifer Myers to cut his head off.

Okay, give me one last attack roll, please.

Yeah, that's 13 plus 6, 19.

You

roll damage, but

it's not going to take much.

Six.

Okay,

six.

No, nine, no, nine, twelve.

Nine

will get you there.

You

swing downwards in a wide arc, and Cupid's head goes flying off its body.

Its mini-winged form crashes down to the ground, and it disintegrates into a pool of pink goo.

As that happens, you see the world of Romeo and Juliet begin to change.

The sort of drab walls of the Capulet Estate begin to take on sort of a colorful, bright neon aesthetic.

Everyone dressed in these boring-ass red cloaks, they're all wearing like cool clothes that a cool party person might wear.

You see Juliet jump up from the ground

and is like, who wants to go on a sports car drive?

And Romeo's like, yeah!

and they get off into the car and drive off into the sunset was it an alpha romeo

jesus christ man

wow

and you see prince aeschylus who's now wearing like a cool windbreaker and a cool hat he stands up and says no kick-ass story has less woe than that of juliet and her romeo

thank you so much everybody for coming to our show tonight.

Grab a poster outside.

You've been amazing.

Good night.

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