The Adventure Zone: Abnimals Ep. 20: Breaking In!

In spite of what you have heard, we're at the height of our powers Atop the tallest towers They'll never stop us by having to trust That we will do what we must Until it's turning out just like you're railway

strong And unless I'm wrong and I'm not We're at the height of our power

Well, yeah, man.

Newton starts as you have asked what happened to the Greenback Guardians.

Newton says, well, man, it's not really that dramatic.

I mean, all things considered, dude, like, you know, we,

okay.

So you guys disappeared and then assumed secret identities.

That's pretty.

You're kind of living for the drama, drama a little bit at that point.

Maybe that part is kind of dramatic, man.

But like, you know, so we started in 1983, right?

Became Greenback Guardians.

We were 18 years old.

And, you know, we're trained by the absolutely brilliant and extreme Professor Dr.

Barth Monroe.

who, as you know, was a physicist slash surgeon slash extreme sports enthusiast.

Of course, yeah.

We know that stuff.

And, you know, like for a while there, it was just kind of a back and forth, man, of us, like, you know, fighting Dr.

Kill Death and trying to stop his minions and everything.

And then in 1992, you know, when he was elected to city council, we were like, oh, man, we got to, we got to step up.

You know what I mean?

Things are going down.

And so Lamar just really put all of his efforts and stuff, man, into like training us.

We stopped.

all of our non-crime fighting endeavors.

That's why, you know, we canceled the animated show.

We stopped making the movies.

We canceled greenback o's our serial that everyone loved yeah 100 definitely no matter what you might hear didn't like leave your mouth with a weird kind of waxy feeling afterwards or anything and yeah it was great man uh and then in 96 kill death you know was elected mayor and things just started to change man you know he began kind of focusing on actually like improving the community and stuff

and you know we were like oh, this is, oh, this is his most dastardly plan yet, man, you know?

But then it kind of seemed like he was sincere about trying to improve the city.

And he kind of turned his, like, criminal focus towards, you know, government corruption and stuff, but while still helping people and everything.

And

I guess it all started really unraveling in 2002 when Professor Dr.

Barth Monroe died of a heart attack while he was engaging in a combination face jump and quantum physics experiment.

Yeah, you guys remember that?

Yeah, quantum.

Entanglements, and he got tangled in

the strings.

I haven't done any quantum physics since that day.

I still bungee jump, but

never the physics.

It was the day that science died.

Well, I think that he would appreciate that probably somewhere...

It looked like it was going to move a long time ago.

In a different universe, he's still alive, right?

I think that's what he would choose to believe.

And we all took it pretty hard, but man, Lamar, dude.

People don't want to talk about this, but the flip side of that is that there's another universe where I'm dead as a discount.

Well, there's infinite universes, so there's infinite living use and infinite dead use.

Wow, there's a universe where I'm a little worm.

Oh, man.

Oh, pizza rolls already.

Hold on.

30 minutes later.

Here you go, man.

Okay.

So, where's the- So the hidden ideas, secret identities.

Oh, yeah, we'll get back to that.

So, in 2004, you know, with

River City First Enforcement going, it like changed the way that crime was handled and everything.

And Dr.

Kill Death was, he was focused mostly on, you know, government kind of crime.

And

the world didn't really need the Greenback Guardians anymore.

And I mean, listen, at this point, I'm willing to admit that maybe kind of the biggest factor was...

We were nearing 40, man.

You know, the bones were getting achy.

Our knees were creaky and everything.

And we weren't the same fearsome fighting team we were before, you know?

And Carver didn't want to, but...

What about drugs?

A lot of people your age, sorry, your age, a lot of people your age turn to drugs to help them keep their edge.

No, we all say nope to dope, man.

You know what I mean?

Wow.

Really?

You think the kids shouldn't check it out even once?

Well, I mean, weed's cool.

That's fine.

But, like...

Wait, hold on.

What?

Hey.

Yeah.

What if this ends up on YouTube?

No, I can't.

I'm a strike for that.

I mean, like, you know, there's THC bombs and stuff that really help with my joints.

So under the, just, you're saying under the discretion of a licensed physician.

Well, yeah, I mean, you always want to use caution when using substances, dude.

Like, you don't want to...

It's not all for partying and everything.

Sometimes it's got medical use or relaxation, you know what I mean?

Yeah.

Yeah, and either way, if I'm under 18, I'm definitely going to reach out to a parent or guardian before I experiment with any substances.

Oh, yeah, man.

That's what I told my stepdaughter, JJ.

But yeah, man, we decided, you know, Lamar, Lovelace, and I, like, kind of agreed it was time to retire.

But Carver did convince us of one thing, which is, like, we couldn't do it publicly because, like, he was worried.

And I think he was right, man, that if the Greenback Guardians, like, announced, like, we're not fighting crime anymore, there would be, like, a big...

you know, kind of crime wave.

So we just kind of stepped into the shadows.

And, you know, Lovelace became Dr.

Travis Barker.

And I became Stant Peoples.

And then when May, you know, got divorced in 2007, we started dating.

And I became JJ's stepdad.

And Carver, man, he never really stopped fighting.

You know, he would do it here and there under cover of dark and everything to keep, you know, kind of keep it quiet.

But, oh, man, Lamar.

Oh,

he never really found his purpose without the team, you know?

And then in 2012, when Dr.

Kill Death retired, slash was in prison in the elite prison of his own design lamar just kind of went with him man you know and he's been living in the solitude of dr kill death's pool house ever since okay i i think i get it now

um

if we run into you guys want any sodas or anything yeah do you have crush i do man

i'd go

some crunch

I you know, I don't have crunch, but I could freeze some of the crush if you want.

Yeah, it's the same thing.

Yeah, just freeze it.

Okay, let's time out for a couple hours while this freezes.

Okay.

Do you guys want to play like some Wii or something?

Hey, you guys were right about Paddington, too.

I knew you'd love it, man.

It was awesome.

We are...

We might be in a spot of trouble.

We've sort of formed this kind of like intra

hero-villain sort of cooperative kind of unit.

And we've been sort of like blurring light.

Bringing the people together to rise up against the ruling class.

Yeah, man, we ended up endorsing Dr.

Kildath for governor, man, so you don't have to like preach to me, you know?

Well, that's cool, yeah, but there seem to be forces at work that like love

the sort of big merry-go-round of

crime happens and a guy, a bunch of mutant animals, beat them up, and then it repeats ad infinitum.

Oh, yeah, man, there's a ton of money in kind of like

a prison system.

Yeah, yeah.

So we're trying to track down the Walrus because the Walrus has Carver.

And Walrus is sort of this like shadowy kingpin figure.

And that's why we're looking for Clamchula.

And so do you think that that

do you think that the headquarters is

where we need to head?

Well, man, I would say the HQ.

I mean, it's it was Dr.

Kill Deaths and stuff, but so I mean that would make sense to me, man.

But usually you just wait for kind of the big bad guy to make a big speech, like standing on top of like a big armor.

I keep waiting for that vehicle or something.

Has not happened.

Yeah.

Maybe the way that you guys did it back in the olden times is not the way us young bucks should be handling it.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, now

he may just post on TikTok now.

Yeah.

And what's TikTok?

My daughter's been trying to tell me about TikTok and stuff.

Yeah, it's T-I-C-K,

T-O-C-K.

And usually it started off with videos of body vermin, louses, and

that.

And now it's just kind of exploded.

Sounds gross, dude.

Oh, yeah.

I've seen some...

I mean, I've heard that there's some really bad stuff.

At some point in that little soliloquy, I bet dad's brain was like, I really should have learned something about it.

Oh, he was absolutely Tarzan swinging looking frantically for a vine

and then he grabs like a snake that was hanging from a branch he's like oh no it wasn't a vine at all

fell right into a hippo's mouth

no he said he fell right into the vine covered trap he made himself and that's a kitchen bear because vine is not there anymore because

vine dad could have uh he did it for the vine uh yeah man but listen if he's holed up in in the old you know kill death HQ, man, like, I don't know how you're going to get it.

Like,

we never really got in and out.

You know, usually he'd come out and fight us, and it was like a big thing, man.

Oh, we have an...

So Kill Death sold it?

Or what's the deal?

Well, he was, you know, detained for all of his government crimes

and stuff.

So he had to kind of vacate and, you know, locked himself up.

It was, he surrendered himself, man.

It was mostly his own deal.

He wanted to retire.

And so he had built Governor's Island to kind of be a retirement home/slash prison for him.

Yeah,

so he's right.

He's self-imprisoned.

Yeah.

So, noble.

I'm not too worried about getting into RCF HQ because we have an appointment there tomorrow with Clamjula and potentially Walrus.

I don't know.

Fingers crossed.

But it would be helpful if we could get a hold of.

Do you have like a cell phone number for Kill Death?

Or what's the deal there?

Um, you know, they don't really allow, like, the phones and stuff there, man, in prison.

But you could just go see them.

It wouldn't be that hard to get in, man.

Oh, man.

It's just in the past 48 hours we've broken into a police station and a bank.

And I know we're kind of playing with the light.

I thought you guys were heroes.

Yeah, no, we did it under heroic pretenses.

Man, things sure have changed since my day.

Yeah.

You guys never broke into a bank?

No, we stopped other people from breaking into banks, man, and then we'd like slam some burgers or hot dogs or something.

You ever break a criminal out of jail?

Huh.

Yeah.

We're dark.

We're dark.

We're pretty stuck here.

Oh, my God, man.

Yeah, things have changed.

They've made like animal stories a lot grittier now, huh, man?

Yeah, that's...

Well, you got to.

For the kids.

For the kids.

People won't go see it if it's not gritty as heck.

Anyway, um...

We didn't take anything from the bank.

Oh, that's cool.

No harm.

Nothing at all.

No harm, no foul.

So the lollipops.

How do we count you the lollipops?

Oh, those are FDIC insured, man.

Yeah, no harm, no foul.

All right.

Trav, I'm trying real hard to remember if my bid to get a million dollars worked last episode.

No, you stole two big bags of lollipops.

Yeah, instead.

I couldn't remember if.

Yeah, I thought maybe it worked, but...

You're thinking it didn't.

You stole a million dollars in crypto, but now it's worth nothing.

Nothing.

Oh, okay.

Now it is worth two bags of lollipops.

Yeah.

The two bags of lollipops actually worth more that's a that's a real cold wallet right there it turned into lollipops oh i get it

well we've been talking and drinking soda and eating pizza rolls for the past three and a half hours so i'm feeling pretty well rested uh i don't know about you fellas yeah i got all i'm i'm ready to go juiced so um

so what's your plan dude did you ever try to break in there what to governor's island yeah

back in your heyday well it kind of wasn't there in my heyday because, you know, Kildeth designed it while he was a government.

That's not what I meant there.

So, okay.

We are going...

There's two different places.

Okay.

Where are we going?

We're going to River City.

I think we should go to Governor's Island first to get the lay of the land from Dr.

Kildeath before we siege the HQ.

Yeah, your appointment is tomorrow at River City.

Yes.

So we have an opportunity to get some intel from Dr.

Kildeath if we can visit him in his prison island that he designed for himself.

Okay.

This is a big undertaking, fellows.

This is going to be the greatest challenge of our

20-week career.

May I suggest that perhaps we make some preparations

ahead of time?

And Dr.

Snarf steps up and says, I think I can help with that.

And he opens his case and...

Where did you come from, little guy?

I was in the bathroom using the special 16 prong amnimoles.

We've been out here for three and a half hours, Snarf.

It takes a while for me to unknit my weird collection of muscles and Cloacacas.

You have a collection of Cloaca's, Snarf?

Is this Sputum?

This is very private.

You're right.

I shouldn't have asked that.

But if you want to see...

No, I've crossed the line.

The viscosity of you is unreal.

Yeah.

It's out of sight.

I had to take a shower afterwards.

And it interacted with my bodily fluids.

Okay.

I feel like I need to take a shower now, man.

We could take a 30-minute break if you want to freshen up.

Real quick.

Okay, yeah.

If you guys are cold with it, we can knock down individual showers.

Yeah, let's call it 45 minutes, everybody.

90.

We need 90, 30 minutes.

90, 90 minutes, 30 minutes each.

Yeah, go for it.

Well, buses stop running at

midnight.

It's 10 a.m.

Oh, okay, cool.

Man, that was.

The meeting started super early.

Hey, Tros.

I know that I wasn't initially in favor when you suggested we start doing these in real time.

Being really diligent about tracking every second, 24-style.

Yeah.

But it is really paying off, narratively, man.

I mean, like, I'm there.

It really helps pad out the runtime, too, because Rachel will then add in like two hours of silence while we watch padding toilets.

I also have to say, like, I am going to the toilet now.

So, you've all finished your showers.

Great.

Okay, where was I?

Oh, okay.

And he unfolds his computer and then unfolds into like seven screens.

Oh, man.

It's wild, dude.

This is future.

Like the NSA agent and Paul Bart Morcon.

Oh, you know, now that you mentioned it, Justin, yeah.

A lot like that.

A lot like that.

And that's on one of the screens.

Yeah, but that's the seventh screen.

That's why it's an odd number.

And Dr.

Travis Barker steps up and goes, Yes,

sorry.

Call me Loveless, narrator.

Now you guys can, you know, uh, do some upgrades and everything.

Have a few on the house.

So, if you look on your character sheets, I had just gone ahead and made sure each of you have 15 practice makes perfect points.

Oh, wow, how generous.

This feels like maybe our last

chance to juice to juice it.

Yeah, I don't know why you'd be so generous otherwise.

Hey, guys.

Yeah.

While we have a second, can I talk to you, Ju?

Yeah, sure, what's up?

friend yeah like um

it's kind of awkward question but like what do you guys feel like is the main thing holding me back

i mean

are we able to speak honestly this is like such a safe like it's a really safe place okay like i want you to feel 100 confident you have strong keen improvisational instincts sometimes i feel like you do run into a situation with very little forethought or planning whatsoever,

depending on those improvisational sort of instincts, when I think those instincts could be bolstered by a little bit of caution and care and thoughtfulness.

And I think that's a place that you know we could lean on each other for.

All right, that's actually such a great point, dude.

Here's what I'm thinking.

I think I'm going to take a moment and

upgrade

my uh

my extreme exfiltration.

Make it just a little bit easier for me to get out of a tough spot.

You never know, man, when that might uh come in come in handy.

So, I'm gonna grab that.

Okay.

So, why did you even ask, I guess?

Yes.

Well, that was, I'm taking your advice.

Well, I actually take the opposite.

Being able to read the situation and think about what I'm doing so I have a a way out.

You know, to me, if it breaks back, right?

Yeah.

I'm going in with a plan so I have a way out.

I'm glad this is a safe space where we can share sort of, you know, helpful positive critiques using positive language with each other.

Okay, so that's six points for you, Justin, for improved skill.

You get another D8.

So anytime you are hiding or exfiltrating, both of those skills have been upgraded to get five D8 on those rolls.

As long as we're doing this, I mean, this feels good.

This feels natural.

As long as we're doing this, Roger, if you do keep letting out huge Mondo farts at every job that we do, we are going to, if we have not already, accrue a certain reputation.

And I do think that that's going to stick with us.

And I think that.

Whoa, dude, you fart all the time?

So you're the party boy, huh?

Excuse me.

We're having conversations.

Sorry, man.

I'm going to go make some chocolate chip cookies for you guys.

Thank you.

I'm so full of junk food.

Please stop.

Would you rather have like a salad, man?

Doesn't sound very extreme to me but um

anyway navy um i appreciate your point and for that reason i

have decided that i need a

a better way of of of attacking i need a better way of contributing to

uh to the force of this force.

So I am going to...

Oh, wait, wait.

And

the doorbell rings.

And Roger runs to the door.

Oh, it's here.

It's here.

It's here it's here

roger runs out

just sign here oh you got a sign man and it and an amazon drone has dropped a box and he brings it in oh wonderful wonderful wonderful wonderful here all right and he opens the box and he has i have one for each of you uh it's they're pocket squares they are the coolest thing and here it just tuck it into any pocket

there you go here is this from is this from the amazon i can smell the rainforest on it.

It is, yes.

See, here.

There's a hint at it.

Just tuck it right into your breast pocket there.

And if you don't have a breast pocket, any kind of pocket, any place you want to do.

I have a

crease in my armor.

They are really, really neat.

And they are all the same color.

They are bright red.

And so now that you have those,

Roger wants to create a new Mondo move

for himself.

And it's called

Toria New One.

When someone waves something red, Roger runs straight at the thing with irresistible force.

Ooh.

I do like this.

I like that too.

Awesome, man.

Okay.

Does it have to be these handkerchiefs or can it just be anything sort of red?

It doesn't have to be anything sort of red.

Sick, bro.

So here's what I'll say though.

There's going to be a condition to that.

Okay.

That that irresistible force, if you should miss, if you roll your dice and don't get two successes,

then it will be detrimental for you.

I understand that.

Okay, great.

Because

he just goes nuts and loses complete control.

Understandable.

Great.

So that's eight points for you.

What about you, Navy?

I mean, you guys still have plenty to spend.

Yeah, but Navy, if I may add

this observation, absolutely.

And Lyle, I think you should also kick in on this.

I would like you to do something where

you

have the

how do I put this delicately?

Dude, let it rip.

There is no, I know the nature of our sort of relationship.

I think you need to grow a backbone where your father's concerned.

I think you need to.

There's got to be a Monda move.

I think you need to stand up.

I'm just making the observation.

I think you would be much better realized as a functioning animal being

if you could somehow break away from your father's plan for you

and become your own entity.

Now, Griffin, what dad has provided here is the opportunity for you to give yourself the ab skill self-actualization.

Yeah.

And I don't know how that would translate to game mechanics.

Self-acceptance, self-worth,

self-respect, I think.

It's huge stuff.

Yeah, no, for sure.

Yeah, let me just do that.

Okay.

Done.

Now we'll take your suggestion seriously.

Yeah, but my suggestion was like, here's a workplace behavior that I think could be improved.

Not fix your relationship with your dad.

It's a little beyond the scope.

I know the truth hurts.

I appreciate what you're saying, and I hear you.

You are being heard right now.

I just, um,

it's just, it's tough, man.

I'm a

crime fighter, but I'm also

a raw seal, and we're very sort of like, you know, territorial and

family-oriented.

And it's, it's tough, man.

I can't just stand up to

perhaps I can put this into words that you would be able to understand better

hey man that's not that's actually not okay to do you I don't go around and I don't say that I don't say M-O-I was never here man

I just I'm I'm gonna cool my head for a second and think about what you said just take a breath breathing I'm gonna step out back

I'm thinking about it right I know there's some bad there's some bad blood there and it is it is constantly in my head it's a bad it's a weird mix you know working with your dad um

i wouldn't wish it on any

uh i'm thinking about it and it's getting me all worked up uh

and

uh i see that there's a swimming pool in the back of the august household uh i'm going to take a running you see a swimming pool but there's also a slight incline where there's like a heat lamp and then there's like a big dish filled with lettuce.

Yeah, I mean that's what that's where Newton goes and just chills out.

Ignoring that I'm gonna take

a running jump at the swimming pool and hit the splash pack, fly 20 feet up in the air, go spread eagle, land and splash half the water out of the pool.

I'm gonna unlock the Mondo move that I've had on my sheet since the beginning of the game.

I'm gonna unlock the foon.

Oh, the foon!

When dropping down on a group of enemies from a significant height, Navy Seal Seal can deal damage to the group with a single roll.

And I come up out of the water, and I think there's a moment where he kind of looks around

for approval,

but

I realize sort of down in this half-filled pool that

I'm actually pretty proud of the foon I just did, and I don't care if anyone saw it.

So I clamber back up and come into the house.

I'm just sopping wet, just getting water everywhere.

And then as soon as as you walk into the house, hey, I saw a sweetie dude out there, kill her, man.

Real proud.

Oh, yeah, thanks.

I, you know, for me, it was more about

nice work.

Okay, cool.

No, I do appreciate it.

I did.

See you out there.

You got the equal part, face smack, and oh, I hurt everywhere.

Yeah, it hurts so bad.

And the groin wallop.

You, I that was excellent.

Oh, my groin is screaming.

Yes, I would guess.

Okay, I have added another Mondo move, Travis.

Uh-huh.

I was out at a different place outside, staring off into the stars.

A different pool.

A different pool.

And I made this new abs move.

I was wondering if you could read it and tell me what you let me know what you think.

I love it, Justin.

Okay, can you read that for me?

Yeah, so Justin has added Fregler's power of limitless foresight.

Once for a narrative day, when Lyle is about to make a major mess up, he's able to harness the power of thought and reconsider the action in favor of a better path.

Fregler's power of

limitless foresight can only activate when Lyle acts impulsively.

Now, is that something I would trigger for you?

Yes, you have to trigger Fregler's PRLF.

Okay.

But only in a situation where I am acting without thinking.

Okay, got it.

And only once per day.

And Travis, I will also say this, the stakes of it are not made clear.

I guess I do say a major mess up, but I guess that gives you room to

comment on what a major mess up is.

I love that.

Dad, do you have something?

I have another idea.

Yeah,

I've only got seven points left.

I would like to

improve skill.

Okay.

I'd like to improve counterfeit

to include body language.

Ooh, okay, yeah.

So that's going to bump that up.

Yeah, you'll have 48 when rolling, and part of that will be body language.

Okay.

I'm looking

at a map, an old map of River City HQ,

and just kind of struggling.

And

I look up at Snarf and I say, hey, let me grab those for a second.

And I grab the glasses off his face and I put them on my eyes.

I go, wow, holy crap.

Guys, I think I've needed prescription glasses this entire time.

Wow.

I can see everything so it's like crazy how much better I can see right now with Snorf's glasses on my head.

I'm going to improve Bug-Eyed.

By stealing Snorf's glasses.

By taking...

Not stealing.

Like, he doesn't need it.

Yes, you can have him.

I have mini pairs.

Don't.

Don't replace them.

Oh.

Okay.

But I have all these Warby Parkers.

No, these are special.

These are special.

these are special because they were yours and now I'll always have something to they are wet who said that

oh well That was that was me.

He can't see without his glasses

All right

Hey by the way snarf um yes

I brought that huge box of books you asked me for

You remember you said you wanted me to bring

time now

No

snarf.

And he dies.

Whoa.

Yeah, he just gives up.

I mean, this is our last upgrade sesh.

We don't need Snarf anymore.

And I'll retire forever now.

He walks into the locker room with Mr.

Mistopheles and Garfield and Heathcliff.

Tough season.

This was my time, boys.

Tough season out there, huh?

Yeah, but you know, I feel like I really grew on the listeners.

And that's what we're making fan art of me.

Wrap on Snarf.

I hear one of my cats upstairs crying.

You know what they're, you know, what they're upset about.

Just like the state of things and whatever.

No, they're only ever wanting one thing, and that's for me to get the smalls out.

Dad, we don't know how to.

Yeah, they love the smooth bird.

Dad, we want our smooth bird.

We don't have jobs.

We can't buy our own food.

We don't know how to order things.

Dad, we're so scared.

We're cats and we've gained complete human intelligence.

What's happening?

Where are we?

Yeah.

Where are we?

But you know what?

I calm them right down with smalls because you're going to get a package of smalls, right?

You're going to open it up.

You're going to put it in front of your cats there, put it into a bowl, whatever you're going to, I don't know your business.

When you put it out there, these cats are going to freak out.

And you're also going to see some long-lasting effects.

In my experience, at least, my cats have been a little healthier.

They've had a nice, nice-looking coat, and they just love, they love smalls.

They love it.

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That's a big deal.

For a limited time only, because you are an adventure.

I was really proud of that, Justin.

I was really proud of that.

Sorry, Trav.

That was great.

Thank you.

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Again, that's smalls.com slash adventure.

Hey, this week we're coming to...

Sorry to interrupt.

I just kind of burst in.

Okay.

Yeah.

Sorry.

Hey, I'm also sorry.

I'm also sorry.

And I'm here and I'm interrupting too.

If you're coming to

our shows this week in San Antonio and Austin, thank you.

If you're not already planning on coming, why not?

We want to see you there.

We need you there.

Join us.

What are you doing?

That's so great.

Yeah.

If you're coming to the show and you want to have a question,

you got a question you want answered.

you want a fear read aloud, we got you.

Email that to mbmbam at maximumfund.org and put your city in the subject line in Austin.

And also doing what, Trav?

What are we doing in Austin, buddy?

Well, we're doing Adventure Zone versus Hercules, and it's going to be a real treat.

You're going to feel happier than you've ever felt in your entire life.

Yeah, we're also coming to Utah and California later this year.

Tickets for all those shows are on sale now.

More info and ticket links are available at bit.ly forward slash McElroy Tours.

Oh, we also have new merch because it's a new month.

Yeah.

New month, new merch, new you.

Well, yeah, sort of.

We've got a brand new Gerald t-shirt over there designed by Lynn Doyle.

Go to macroymerch.com.

Check it out.

And 10% of all merch proceeds this month will be donated to Equality Florida, which is dedicated to securing full equality for Florida's LGBTQ community.

So go to macroymerch.com to get yours now.

You know, we've been doing my brother, my brother me for 15 years and

maybe you stopped listening for a while maybe you never listened and you're probably assuming three white guys talking for 15 years i know where this has ended up but no

nope you would be wrong we're as shocked as you are that we have not fallen into some sort of horrific scandal or just turned into a big crypto thing yeah you don't even really know how crypto works The only NFTs I'm into are naughty, funny things, which is what we talk about on My Brother, My Brother, and Me.

We serve it up every Monday for you if you're listening.

And if not, we just leave it out back and goes rotten.

So check it out on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts.

All right, we're over 70 episodes into our show.

Let's learn everything.

So let's do a quick progress check.

Have we learned about quantum physics?

Yes, episode 59.

We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we?

Yes, we have.

Same episode, actually.

Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?

Episode 64.

So, how close are we to learning everything?

Bad news.

We still haven't learned everything yet.

Oh, we're ruined.

No, no, no.

It's good news as well.

There is still a lot to learn.

Woo!

I'm Dr.

Ella Hubber.

I'm regular Tom Long.

I'm Caroline Roper, and on Let's Learn Everything, we learn about science and a bit of everything else too.

And although we haven't learned everything yet, I've got a pretty good feeling about this next episode.

Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun.

Loveless leans in and says, Okay, if you boys are ready,

I've been thinking this through over the last six hours.

You're going to need

an RCFE employee that can turn you in.

You're going to need to pose as like three criminals that are slated to go to Governor's Island, and some sort of impressive armored vehicle at your disposal that can take you to the gate, so it all seems official.

But where would you get those things?

I mean, I'll hop on Timu.

I don't know if they have that kind of stuff.

Wait, I believe you mean Shamu.

It's.

That's rough.

Wait, we know.

It's actually Emu.

Emu!

That's better, darn it.

Oh, wait, we know a guy.

We have a guy who's beholden to us, even though we have wronged him personally and financially like a few times.

Okay.

His name is...

Dean.

Dean.

No.

I was thinking of the police officer whose name I think was Jeremy Snuggin.

Joshua Darnett.

Joshua Darnett.

Jeremy Snugworth is a different guy.

Yeah, he doesn't owe you anything.

Yeah.

Yeah, but Joshua, well, he could definitely get it done.

Yeah, and we have, I think, an armored car because we stole one.

Oh, excellent.

But where will you get the identity of three criminals that were slated to go to the middle?

You keep kind of saying stuff that is actually stuff that we definitely have, and it's

I'll be honest, Lovelace.

It feels a little bit leading.

I feel like if you give us like 15 seconds, we can get exactly where you're trying to get us to go.

Now we'll need a wheelbarrow and a holocaust.

Kind of holocaust.

So we've got the criminal identities and the truck and Goshua.

What are the odds?

I mean,

I don't know, man.

Pretty good, I guess.

Yeah.

Oh, cool.

I look at Newton.

Was it always like this?

Yeah, man.

He's a real pain in the shell.

If you know what I mean, dude.

Yeah, I guess.

Do you mean is that like an analog for butt?

Yeah.

Okay.

You have a butt, though.

Yeah, but back in the 80s, man, we didn't like to say butt when we were around.

That was a real no-no word.

Okay.

The armored vehicle of prisoner transport rolls up down the long, narrow bridge leading from the shores of River City to Governor's Island.

An imposing stone fortress looking prison.

built on a man-made island in the middle of River City Bay.

Joshua Darnett driving.

He's like, are you guys sure?

I don't, like, getting you in is easy, man.

I don't know how I'm going to get you out.

We're going to have to figure that out.

I'm sort of an expert in getting out of sticky situations, Joshua.

You don't have to sweat that.

Okay.

But I assume that if my plan doesn't work out, we can just call you and you'll come get us.

Or we could just like schedule a time for me to come get you.

Like.

You know what?

I'll just be here.

So wait a minute.

Is it hard for you to get us out?

Well, if you can get out, I'll be here.

I can't schedule a time to pick us up like an Uber.

Well, I'll be here if you can get out.

How about that?

Okay.

Okay.

That sounds good.

So I mean, you won't.

I'm saying I will call you.

You come in and get us and bring us out if we get into trouble.

Okay, yeah.

If you're able to do that.

Oh, my God.

That would be great.

Just say, just say the word, like, um, just say, like, uh, what's a good like code word?

Does it help?

How would you hear it?

Oh, that's a good point.

All right.

Yeah, don't, you know what?

We're grown up.

We've done this a bunches of times, and we've gotten out of a lot of sticky messes.

One time I vandalized a rainforest cafe, and it turned out fine.

So I think we're going to be able to get out of jail pretty easy.

But we are trained professionals, kids.

So just remember, if you find yourself in a tricky situation and you're in over your heads, there's nothing wrong with calling home and getting someone to come get you.

And that's what we say.

That's a weird one.

That's what looks around.

Who are you talking to?

Over here.

Oh, all right.

There are a bunch of kids here.

Everyone got their villain identities

ready to go.

Oh, yes.

I'm going to fall back on one of my standards, Mr.

Messup.

Okay.

Yeah.

Well, you can't...

Well, hold on.

You should probably be a cow.

I'm a master of disguise, if you can remind you.

I'm going to be...

I'll be...

Andre

from the movie.

And if people ask, I'll be like, you mean Andre from the movie about the seal, Andre, with Tina Majorino?

And I'll be like, yeah, but I broke bad.

Hollywood did some stuff to me.

And I'll be your captor, beloved Admirable, Axelisle.

Wait.

I thought that Joshua was our captor.

No, that's...

Yeah, absolutely.

I'm his best buddy.

The Admiral from the wrong side of the tracks, Axel Isle.

Okay, but it does kind of sound like you're gonna leave us to.

Hey, pipe down, suspect.

Okay.

Lil Kuglo.

Okay, man.

Hey!

He's already into character.

Don't make me come back there, Cal!

Yeah.

Okay,

Joshua returns from the

check-in desk, the booking desk.

Welcome to prison.

It's a very nice prison.

Here's your key.

And remember,

we have free buffet breakfast in the morning.

He leads the three of you who are shackled at the foot and wrists to the prisoner booking desk.

He says, all right, yeah, these three.

And he slams down the three files in front of him like,

these guys are oh some of the worst i whisper in his ear actually i think it should just be two because i think axel isle's beating himself so take one of those back and start over and say two instead

sorry what um no i'm one of the crime guys too i'm just not pretending because i really don't like to pretend oh the booking guy looks through the files and goes okay which one are you a squid mark

Oh, me?

Crap, I forgot we have to use the identities on the fake up on the identity.

I'm squid mark.

Wow, okay, very clever.

Okay.

Step over there, turn to your right.

Takes a picture.

Turn to your left.

Take the picture.

All right, move on through.

Which one of you...

Dips on Hammer Ned.

Dips on Hammer Ned.

Okay, Hammer Ned, I guess.

Step on over there, turn to your left.

Turn to your right.

Gonna eat you.

So that makes you Eel Patrick Harris, correct?

Yes.

yes, I'm Eel Patrick Harris.

Uh, but my stage name is Mr.

Messon.

Okay, whatever, man.

Step in there, turn to your left,

turn to your right.

Okay, move on through processing.

As you move through processing...

This guy doesn't miss anything, man.

Yeah.

They unlock your shackles.

And they hand you your prison uniforms, which are three very comfortable Velour track suits.

Nice.

Excellent.

Okay, make your way on through.

Have a wonderful day.

If you need anything, just speak to

one of the staff.

We'll be happy to assist you.

Pickleball starts at 4.

There's a meet and greet at the community center at like 6 o'clock.

With whom?

It's happy hour until 8.

Oh, just all the residents and stuff.

Oh.

See you and get away from the middle of the chance the Valour.

Any chance the Velour

tracksuits are red?

No, they're purple.

Freaking royal tenant bombs up in here.

Yeah, those are Dr.

Kildeath's colors.

Everything here was by his design.

Purple and black.

If we wanted to put in a little bit of FaceTime with Dr.

Kildeath, what do you think would be the best way of doing that?

Oh, yeah, of course, man.

He's in the ranch-style home, kind of near the center of the complex there.

It's got a big statue of him in front of it.

You can't miss up.

Okay.

And what kind of stuff does he like if we wanted to like get into his good graces?

He enjoys like soft cheeses.

He's a big fan of a nice like Zinfandel.

Okay, where can we get those inside of the prison?

Oh, your welcome basket will be inside.

And it'll have the soft cheese in the Zinfandel?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Some slippers in there too, man, and a sleep mask.

Okay.

And what time is checkout?

Oh, well, yeah, you can't check out.

Oh, that's right.

Oh, my God.

I got so confused for this.

Check in anytime you like, but you can never leave.

Yeah, like the Hotel California.

I haven't heard that one before.

Okay, thank you all so much.

Have a wonderful day.

You got a little sassy there at the tail end.

You were really accommodating until the very end.

All right, man.

Please don't put it on Yelp.

Hotel California?

No, it wasn't.

Oh, okay.

As you walk through the gates, you enter into a beautiful gated community.

Lush fields everywhere of grass and trees.

The landscaping is wonderful.

You see a like pretty large kind of koi pond with ducks on it.

The sun shines bright.

You can see above you.

It's a large kind of like screen, right?

So the ceiling is covered and domed, but it is projecting a beautiful, perfect sunny afternoon day.

You see people walking around, some of them having pleasant conversations, playing chess by the koi pond.

You see Calculigator, Shoctopus, some of the most like noteworthy villains of Abnimal's history, just strolling along, having a lovely time.

The ice cream shop is just absolutely bustling.

And you can see the ranch-style home of Dr.

Kill Death about 150 yards down the path towards the center of town.

Okay, so first things first, we gotta beat up one of these guys to assert ourselves.

I've never done any time myself, but I have heard that that is sort of step one in the process.

So...

Travis, who's the darkiest looking one?

Probably Calcugator.

I see you walking towards Calcugator.

Hold on, hold on, hold on, no, no, no.

It's better if it's like a...

Hey, if you're indexed!

There's a buzzing within your head, Justin.

As something triggers, you see a force as you in the future punch Calcigator in the face.

He turns to you, growing three times his size as he multiplies,

becoming stronger, more vicious.

I just wanted to say it's an honor to meet you.

Wow, Calcutta, I never would have imagined in all my wildest dreams.

Oh, thank you so much.

It's nice to meet a fan.

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