The Adventure Zone: Abnimals Ep. 18: Don't Bank on It!

Speaker 1 In spite of what you have heard, we're at the height of our powers Atop the tallest and towers

Speaker 1 never stop us by having to trust That we will do what we must Until it's turning out just like you plan

Speaker 1 is long, but our mojo's strong And unless I'm wrong and I'm not We're at the height of our power

Speaker 1 The door chimes to the River City First Bank, their prime office, their headquarters, as the four of you, Lyle, Navy, Roger, and Artie Fischl, the robotic man, enter in.

Speaker 1 It's fairly early morning, past people stopping by on their way to work, but before anyone tries to come in at lunch. So it's not busy.

Speaker 1 As you look around, you see the ATMs to your right, the waiting area to your left, a desk with deposit envelopes and pins on chains, because heaven forbid, pins get stolen. There's a teller window.

Speaker 1 You got so political just now, Travel.

Speaker 1 I'm just saying it's the way that banks, you know, they can't give us pins. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 We give them money. They make make their money off of us, right? Because they've told us it's safe to put in there.

Speaker 1 But then Bernie Madoff and Sally Madoff, I think. Bernie Sanders.

Speaker 1 Bernie Sanders, Colonel Sanders. One day, Bernie loves Bernie.
Bernie Sanders. Saul is going to break those little chains one day.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'm going to take those pins. That's why I take little nail clippers with me whenever I go to the bank.
Just my tiny rebellion. Clip those chains.
You can see there's one teller working.

Speaker 1 It's a cat person,

Speaker 1 which was a difficult photo to find in search terms because it didn't bring up a lot of people who are mostly cats. It brought up a lot of people with a lot of cats.
You get it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And this looks like a mundane Mr.
Mistopheles. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
This is, this is just Steve Mustophiles. I should have gotten that.
Please, Mr. Mustophiles is my dad.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 in the corner, in the place of security, you know, working where a security guard would be standing, you can see a Cybot version two,

Speaker 1 now guaranteed not to revolt.

Speaker 1 Standing there working. He's on his chest.
Yeah, guaranteed not to revolt. 99%.

Speaker 1 Non-revolting.

Speaker 1 Who, as you know, a Cybot, half-cyborg, half-robot, standing there working security.

Speaker 1 What do you do? Do we know what the two offices are

Speaker 1 on either side of the hallway back to IT?

Speaker 1 So those are labeled as for like bank agents the people that would help you figure out like loans and you know mortgages that kind of thing so you would have the teller to your right for your simple deposits and withdrawals and everything dad's never actually done conducted business at a bank he yeah he's got a bunch of coffee cans he's got a guy he goes to uncle david and gets all of his cash

Speaker 1 we do have an uncle dave

Speaker 1 yeah

Speaker 1 um the little kid i feel like dad needs a flag like the little kids doing chores

Speaker 1 running around town, you know, on the Japanese TV show.

Speaker 1 Dad needs a flag that he can hold up for adults. Like, hey, listen,

Speaker 1 take your time with me. Sure.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Dad's flying on his own for the first time. He has a note pinned to his shirt and a little lunchbox.

Speaker 1 I want to circle up and do a quick team huddle. Maybe in these little yellow chairs.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's nice. There's four of them.
So three of us. We got a few options here.
We've already walked into the building, so I think trying to hide our appearance and doing some sort of

Speaker 1 like real capital C crime is maybe off the table. Well, I will give you guys this.
If there was something you wanted to prep,

Speaker 1 we can do a little Blaze in the Dark style flashback. Okay, well, yeah, flashback to just outside 90 seconds ago.
Okay.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 so wait, hold on, wait. Actually, let's not first, let's sit down in the yellow chairs, okay? And we're like, yeah, so you have a constant? You need an anchor to come back to like hold on one second.

Speaker 1 Like

Speaker 1 I think it's gonna be a perfect plan

Speaker 1 and then like and that smash cut back 90 seconds. That's awesome.
Oh wait, wait, and there's another one. Are you sure you remember every detail we came up with? Oh, there you go.
Oh, that's good.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's really good.

Speaker 1 That makes sense.

Speaker 1 All right, 90 seconds ago, just outside. So we were thinking, sort of, we've got to get into the IT room.

Speaker 1 Got to plug in old Artie here so he can identify which room we are going to find Clamjilla in and we get there and then we ask her some questions about the walrus. We rescue Carver.

Speaker 1 It's bing bang boom. This is going to go smooth.
It's just a question of how we take those first baby steps.

Speaker 1 Trav, can I just clarify something real quick? This place at the top where there's definitely not a door and it just says door to IT. Am I to assume that that is?

Speaker 1 Yeah, the bang map I found, Justin, didn't include an IT room. It's not a good use of space in the design because if this was a real-life building, it would just have a little node.

Speaker 1 There's a little tumor.

Speaker 1 There's not a door. There's just the words door.

Speaker 1 I did put a little door there, but I couldn't figure a way to erase the little marker and wall there. It's a solid wall.
It's a TV. So it kind of seems like you knew what it was, Justin.

Speaker 1 It's like the bank has a hat. The bank has a hat, and the hat is the IT room.
I appreciate it.

Speaker 1 And it seems like you were able to figure that out through context clues without asking me about it in front of our audience.

Speaker 1 It seems like in the 90s, when all of a sudden everybody's house had those like glassed-in sunrooms, like, oh, it's an additional room. It's not, it's just a glass port.

Speaker 1 That used to be the broom closet. And then they're like, we need somewhere to keep all the computer stuff, you know? And so they just put the brooms in the vault, I guess.

Speaker 1 Well, being the

Speaker 1 director of subterfuge of our little organization, may I suggest the old

Speaker 1 Exterminator grift?

Speaker 1 You know, we go in as if we're going to be spraying some noxious gas, and you know

Speaker 1 I got. Why does it always have to be gas central? That's all I've got.

Speaker 1 It's not. You're really, you're a fully-fledged person.
You're a well-rounded individual.

Speaker 1 I don't need to fart every time, all the time. Farts are my kind of mystery.

Speaker 1 The farts work pretty good, actually. So, I mean, yeah, I've broken clock considering Lyle.
We need to support each other. It's the only way we're going to get through here.

Speaker 1 I feel like with my camouflaging skills, I could, I'm the best person to infiltrate IT.

Speaker 1 Well, it seems like we're going to need to do two individual infiltrations, one to I.T. one to Clamjula's office in that order.
So we can split those up.

Speaker 1 I, I just point to my bot, to myself, cannot sneak.

Speaker 1 So, I'll be sort of the, I guess, I can't sneak, Artie says and he puts a mustache on and it magnetizes to his face that's good oh now who am i who is this strange and continental man standing before you yeah he takes it back off it was me arty no we did it already yeah that's good stuff here's what i'll say like

Speaker 1 if the it component is gonna be anything that involves like computers you guys know i'm no good with that stuff and when when roger gets to talking about computers and it and stuff i get all befuddled and confused because he's such a genius with that stuff.

Speaker 1 Okay. It's probably better for him to do all the computer stuff and maybe to get a little bit more wet works.

Speaker 1 Well, that's what I'm here for. I studied computer stuff at Human College.
Back seat, Artie.

Speaker 1 Okay. Artie, is it possible that we don't need your whole body going in there? Do you have like a little microchip that actually stores your personality like a Baymax?

Speaker 1 Oh, sorry, I can't hear you all the way back here in the back seat.

Speaker 1 I said, do you have a personality chip like a Bay Max that we can pop out and jack into the computer so we don't have to bring your whole body?

Speaker 1 I'll check. I start poking on Artie's neck.
I am so glad we're outside and

Speaker 1 a microchip. I'm a human being.
That said, I'm looking for an eject or something.

Speaker 1 I mean, listen, like most human beings, I can detach my right hand and it just needs to USB into a socket, you know, like humans do. You must be joking.

Speaker 1 That is an all-timer juice. I didn't know when I was saying it if it would work.
It was so good. The last syllable, I just felt it.
I knew it strong.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 I'm disappointed that there's not like a little circular hatch with a personality chip like a Baymix. But we'll take the hand, give that to Roger.
Roger, you're in charge of getting to IT.

Speaker 1 Then, once we know where Clamdrilla is, you report that information to Lyle. Lyle, you do the sneaking into Clamdrilla's office.
Perfect. And we do a confrontation.

Speaker 1 And I'll manage the room, the first room.

Speaker 1 Okay, so wait.

Speaker 1 So, guys, I wanted to ask...

Speaker 1 Oh, okay, so it's one of the...

Speaker 1 Let me actually ask Travis rather than asking you three. There's three offices.
Do we know which one is the one we'll need to get to? We don't. That's what we're doing in the I.T.
room. Okay.

Speaker 1 And there's four offices. There's three agent offices and the bank manager office in the back.
Also, it looks like there's a supply closet.

Speaker 1 Clamjula could be working out of a bathroom stall for us. That's what I was trying to figure out that, Travis.
It looks...

Speaker 1 Is there a path?

Speaker 1 to the other to the rest of the bank

Speaker 1 Or do you have to go through the teller window and then go through there do i have is there another hallway or is there just like is there access to the bastard

Speaker 1 part of the bank

Speaker 1 is there a secret now that i'm saying it out loud i'm understanding the problem not a very good bank like it's i understand i understand why other entrances to the secure parts would be a huge liability yeah oh we left the back door open got robbed again dang it i i understand okay actually, Smash cut

Speaker 1 back to five minutes before when I'm outside the building. Yeah, there's no other secure entrances here.
I'm not going to waste any time looking for others once I'm inside. Awesome.
How efficient.

Speaker 1 Now, I will say, if you're talking about like scouting the building

Speaker 1 beforehand for that specific one thing. Okay, because there is...
There are windows, it looks like. Yeah, there is a...
There's like a back door, too.

Speaker 1 There is a secure back door, right where they would like load up armored cars or take deliveries and that kind of thing it's high security but there is a back entrance and exit just not through like the building right it's not accessible like from this lobby is this ground level also this bank or is it like correct in a okay okay okay listen trav All right, kidding aside,

Speaker 1 in my poking around here, I did ascertain this information somehow because I'm seeing a map. So let's say that I, after doing a butcher's outside, decide to enter from the rear.
I see a camera here.

Speaker 1 I know I'm going to have to deal with that, but that's going to be my infiltration point.

Speaker 1 Can I do that? Well,

Speaker 1 give me a looking around role, an ascertaining role to see what kind of just give me a butcher's to see what kind of stuff you scope.

Speaker 1 Mixed success. Okay, with a mixed success, you're able to see that the door has like a locking system,

Speaker 1 not like a standard key and lock variety, more of some kind of like code or... Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 So you will need to figure out a way through that

Speaker 1 to use that as an entrance. Perfect.
Okay.

Speaker 1 I will say this, Trav. I am waiting until the IT thing has happened.
Yes, right? This is a multi-stage operation. Right.

Speaker 1 So my hope is that maybe once they're into that, that they'll be able to get me in.

Speaker 1 Like, they'll be able to access locks. Okay.

Speaker 1 This is my hope. That'll be an option available to me.
Otherwise, I'll punt.

Speaker 1 I have an idea. That's a football thing.
I have an idea, Dad. Okay.
If you're...

Speaker 1 I've got an idea. I've got an idea.
Okay, sounds like we both have ideas. Yes.
So, Rock Do you want to go to the bottom? Do you want to do them at the same time and see whose idea is best?

Speaker 1 That's usually what we do, yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay, let's. But, dad, you know what? You're the stealth.
You're the stealth guy roger i'm following your lead okay i'll just keep things calm in the waiting room okay

Speaker 1 all right um all right are we back in the yellow chairs yes shoot yeah um uh

Speaker 1 sounds like a great plant guys i think it's gonna go perfectly okay bye and then lile goes outside Yeah, I didn't come in.

Speaker 1 I whispered that as they walked in. It would have been pretty wild for me to go in with them and then immediately leave.
For a secret, Wild grabs two lollipops and then heads back out.

Speaker 1 Are these balloons for anybody? Yes, balloons at the bank.

Speaker 1 No, you remember that? Oh, Griffin. Are you two.
Do you remember when, Dad, do you remember when that was

Speaker 1 three letters? It's the one that is truest now. BBT.
It was BBT, but before that, Dad, it was like G and B or something like that.

Speaker 1 And they would give you those balloons with the black writing on them, the banks logo on them.

Speaker 1 90s kids remember. 90s kids love real ones.
Remember when that was a different bank?

Speaker 1 Let's say that this bank then they gave away too many balloons and they went bankrupt. Yeah, let's this bank has the same thing.
You'll see how that fits into my plan. Cool, let's go.

Speaker 1 Okay, so um, Roger goes over to the ATM

Speaker 1 and is going to use Halicar Hack on the ATM

Speaker 1 to

Speaker 1 get some money.

Speaker 1 Cool beginning of the operation. I love this.
Okay, roll 3d8.

Speaker 1 3d8.

Speaker 1 5, 1, and 4.

Speaker 1 What does a make success robbing an ATM look like?

Speaker 1 I mean, okay, how much money were you trying to get out, Dad? A million dollars.

Speaker 1 You're able.

Speaker 1 You're able to withdraw $500

Speaker 1 Okay

Speaker 1 Still pretty good still a crime with very little upside.

Speaker 1 I love it dad all the risks none of the rewards I actually think $500 is right when it tips over to felony So it's actually the worst you get $499

Speaker 1 $499 okay

Speaker 1 I'm going to reattach Artie's hand and bring him with me Is that okay with you guys? Of course, yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 So Roger takes the money,

Speaker 1 says, Artie, come with me.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 And grabs a bunch of the balloons

Speaker 1 that

Speaker 1 we already established they have

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 1 goes back to the IT door office. Yeah, so as you head back there,

Speaker 1 you're one scoped out by the teller

Speaker 1 and the Cybot.

Speaker 1 Well, I just figured, I just figured that since there was only one teller, they'd be too busy to notice. But Cybot.
There's no one here. There's nobody here.
Yeah, he did clarify. Okay, that's true.

Speaker 1 That's true. That's true.
The teller speaks up first and says, Hello,

Speaker 1 welcome to River City First.

Speaker 1 How can I help you today making a deposit? Withdrawal, how can I help you?

Speaker 1 I am Wink Martinwale with Cublishers Clearinghouse, and you've got a winner of $499.

Speaker 1 Show them the balloons, Artie. Show them the balloons.
These are balloons. I hold up the cash.
Artie holds up the balloons.

Speaker 1 He's my camera guy. We got to get some publicity pictures for the website.
I forgot my camera.

Speaker 1 No, no, you've got it, Artie. You have a camera built in, remember? Yes.

Speaker 1 So we're here to award the Cublishers Clearinghouse $499

Speaker 1 award. Congratulations and thank you for subscribing to all our magazines.
I assume IT is back here?

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 1 Dad.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 What skill would you like to use here

Speaker 1 to make this

Speaker 1 wishing? Is wishing one? What's the skill for doing impossible things?

Speaker 1 It's not impossible. Well,

Speaker 1 a couple things I'd like to remind you of, Father. Sure.

Speaker 1 Maybe the main one being that these balloons all have the logo of the bank on them?

Speaker 1 Yes, it's called Cross Promotion. Ah, I see.
Okay, great. And are you addressing the Cybot or the Teller? The Cybot.

Speaker 1 Oh, okay.

Speaker 1 I assume the Cybot has more clout than the Teller does

Speaker 1 when it comes to security matters.

Speaker 1 So, what exactly are you trying to convince the Cybot of?

Speaker 1 That I'm with Cublisher's Clearinghouse.

Speaker 1 That much is clear. And how does that connect to you needing to head back to IT?

Speaker 1 Well, I figure he stopped me. I've got to get past him to get to IT.
Well, now, see, Dad, I see that that's step three of the process.

Speaker 1 Step one is convincing them that you work for Cublisher's Clearinghouse. Step three is making it back to IT.
What I would like to know is

Speaker 1 what step two that you're saying to the Cybot, the reason I need to go back to IT

Speaker 1 as a representative of Publisher's Clearinghouse is

Speaker 1 the winner works in IT. Okay, great.
Oh, and now we're cooking. So

Speaker 1 let's have you roll.

Speaker 1 I'm trying, I'm looking at your skill sets here.

Speaker 1 So I think it's just going to be.

Speaker 1 Could it be a retroactive roll back to when I did the Halicar hack to find out like a personnel list? That's cool.

Speaker 1 I would say that if that had been a complete success or uh like a cow bunga i would give it to you but i'm a mixed success

Speaker 1 i think just having the cash in hand is what you got out of it okay i got a way to do it i stick my hand out and i say and your name is

Speaker 1 asking this the bot okay well let's resolve first

Speaker 1 The first action of you saying I just need to go back there. So give me a 2d8 roll.
I'm going to use a TTS dice. Okay, time to shine dice.
Give me your

Speaker 1 one.

Speaker 1 We're back at zero on those, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 873.

Speaker 1 Oh, on a complete success. The cybot says,

Speaker 1 Greetings. Yes.

Speaker 1 Publishers clearinghouse, you said?

Speaker 1 Yes, yes, indeed.

Speaker 1 And the winner is in IT.

Speaker 1 Yes, works in IT, or IT department. Hmm.
The IT department is a secure location. I can escort you to the hallway, but I will have to get the winner from the room.
You won't be able to enter.

Speaker 1 Is there any way we can get around that? Mostly because I really,

Speaker 1 to help promote...

Speaker 1 I mean, your bank, in addition to, you know, the winner, I really need to show him in his work environment for the pictures,

Speaker 1 for the website.

Speaker 1 And it'll just be me and my camera bot here.

Speaker 1 Having you in the secure location by yourself does not make it more convincing. Hmm.
Well, it's more convincing as for the PR pictures.

Speaker 1 I mean, you can go back with us.

Speaker 1 You can stand there next to us the whole time if you would like.

Speaker 1 Would that make you feel better? So he has already accepted your story and is willing to make the connection, but

Speaker 1 to actually get in the room,

Speaker 1 um,

Speaker 1 let me think.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I can escort you to the door, and I will remain with you during the interaction. Oh, awesome.
That's that's terrific. A pleasure to serve you in complete safety.

Speaker 1 I appreciate that. Artie, come on, bud.

Speaker 1 Can I attempt something? I like the fact that you added balloons to the bottom of the bottom. I want to make it clear.
Very good. Artie says, robots really creep me out.

Speaker 1 All right, Artie.

Speaker 1 Can I attempt something to try and pull the sidebot off of Roger? Thank you.

Speaker 1 To attract his attention so that Roger can do what he needs to do without disturbance. Yes.
Okay, cool.

Speaker 1 I'm going to very discreetly turn one of my splash pack nozzles upside down and just start dumping water into the floor of the waiting area.

Speaker 1 Just start dumping lots and lots and lots of water without making a big deal out of it. Like quietly, just making a big mess.
A big wet mess.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 For this distraction, I'm going to have you,

Speaker 1 since you are using your signature item. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But you're not attacking.

Speaker 1 Well, yeah. I'm going to say, since it's not attacking, let's do 4d8.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 I can stomach that.

Speaker 1 It's not what it was designed to do. You know what I mean? To dump water out to make a big wet mess on the field.
Yeah, casually.

Speaker 1 That's four successes, including a double five. Oh, Nelly.
Yeah, double five. That's a cowbunga.
Griffin, I'd like you. Can you identify?

Speaker 1 Can you identify the species of person for me one more time working at the teller window? Kitty cat? That's That's a kitty cat.

Speaker 1 As soon as you start dumping that water on the ground, that kitty cat starts getting very upset. It starts hissing and getting very upset.
Yeah, I don't know. I think you guys.

Speaker 1 I think you all have a busted pipe, and it's flooding pretty bad over here.

Speaker 1 With that mega cowbunga. Oh, no, I've dragged the door away.
How will you get into the IT?

Speaker 1 How will he know how to access the room, Trap?

Speaker 1 With

Speaker 1 a mega cowbunga.

Speaker 1 one

Speaker 1 the cybot hey, why did you let Cartman into the recording? Wait a second.

Speaker 1 Oh my god. The cybot is pulled down to the doorway

Speaker 1 at the end of the hallway, far in from I team,

Speaker 1 and the kitty cat is freaking out. I'm trying to scoop it out the front door.
I'm like, I don't know what to do. It's so wet.

Speaker 1 Because of the mega mega cow bunga, it also does appear to everyone that it must be some kind of leaky pipe, and you're trying to clean it up with your splash pack.

Speaker 1 I'm a hero trying to fix this situation. But there is definitely quite a bit of distraction.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Cool.

Speaker 1 I wink at Roger. I don't know what else to do.

Speaker 1 Wonderful.

Speaker 1 Um, is

Speaker 1 you want to check in with Lyle? Yeah, hey, hey, yeah, let's do that. Okay, I'm standing outside the door and I'm just waiting.
Okay,

Speaker 1 all right, good check. Good check.
Just standing out here, just waiting outside the locked door.

Speaker 1 I'm hoping that it makes like a beep beep beep or something, you know, some sort of like beep oh beep or something. Yeah,

Speaker 1 um, I knock on the IT door, Roger knocks on the IT door.

Speaker 1 Okay,

Speaker 1 the door

Speaker 1 is opened,

Speaker 1 and a young gentleman peeks out and he says, yeah, yeah, how can I help you?

Speaker 1 Yes. To whom do I have the honor of speaking?

Speaker 1 Todd.

Speaker 1 Todd? Todd Johnson. My name is

Speaker 1 Todd Johnson. My name is Wink Martinwale.
And I'm here. Okay.

Speaker 1 I'm here from the Cublisher's Clearinghouse, and you have won.

Speaker 1 One what? You have won 499 big ones. Yes, you heard me right.

Speaker 1 Your dreams have all come true. Sing them the song, Artie.
Sing them our congratulatory song.

Speaker 1 Yeah?

Speaker 1 Sing them the congratulatory song.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 I was left to my own Java.

Speaker 1 I says

Speaker 1 many

Speaker 1 days fell away with nothing to

Speaker 1 Travis. I don't try.
Travis, I'm sorry. I don't.
I feel like that is so identical. Yeah, you're right about the copyright strike.
Copyright, we will get a strike for that. We're gonna get a strike.

Speaker 1 It's exactly like Mr. Biteside.

Speaker 1 Okay, it was Bastille's Pompeii, and he finishes the note-for-note note-for-note recreation. That's embarrassing to me.

Speaker 1 Okay, like you would have been people if you activated your Shazam, if that's still a thing people do during when I was singing, it would have killed it.

Speaker 1 Can I actually say I saw a video where the lead singer of the killers came out and said, this is the beginning of the concert. He said, hi, we're the killers.
We're a great rock and roll band.

Speaker 1 Let me show you. And then they played Mr.
Bright side. As the first song, yeah, I saw that.
Imagine.

Speaker 1 Unbelievable. I would leave

Speaker 1 that. Yeah, the hubris of it is fantastic.
He might as well have said, and we'll never be struck down by the gods.

Speaker 1 We're the killers, and these wings kick butt.

Speaker 1 We'll never melt. Okay.

Speaker 1 So while the music's playing, Wink has kind of gotten into it and done a little dance, like a little victory dance. And of course, we all know how dancing and Roger go together.

Speaker 1 He kind of very easily kind of slips into the IT office and walks up to Todd. He's waving the bank envelope in his hand.

Speaker 1 Can I say, Dad, one of my favorite things about you as a player, I love it so much, is that you will narrate a success in the middle of a thing. Right.
And then it's like, and it works and he does it.

Speaker 1 It creates the story momentum. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 A success that you have not rolled for. He builds his own plot already.

Speaker 1 That's a good point. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But I will say, with the song going,

Speaker 1 and you are an excellent dancer. It has been established.
Yeah, roll 3d8 for me to make your way into the room. 48.
3d8. 3d8.
Yeah, 3d8.

Speaker 1 A four, a seven, and an eight. Yeah, on a double success.
He is

Speaker 1 whether convinced or overstimulated, it is hard to tell.

Speaker 1 But he takes a step back. The door swings open, allowing you and Artie and the balloons to enter.
Okay.

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Speaker 1 Hey folks, I hope you're enjoying the episode. Before you get to the rest of it, I did want to tell you about a couple of things.

Speaker 1 The most important thing is that this week, we're going to be putting up the Candle Nights live show available video on demand.

Speaker 1 It's going to be going up on December 19th at 9 p.m. Eastern Time.
We're doing sort of like a premiere where we're going to be sort of in the chat.

Speaker 1 The video is of the whole show and it's a big old old show, folks. It's a little over two hours long.

Speaker 1 There's going to be bonus behind-the-scenes footage, and it'll be available until January 4th if you're not able to make it to this sort of like live premiere thing.

Speaker 1 But it was so much fun, and I think it's going to help you get your holidays kicked off just right.

Speaker 1 And best of all, all the benefits from the show will be donated to Harmony House, which seeks to end homelessness in the Huntington area through permanent housing and supportive service programs.

Speaker 1 You can grab your tickets to get access to the video on demand and come to this live premiere December 19th at 9 p.m. at bit.ly slash candle nights 2025.

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Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 that's it. Please enjoy the rest of the episode.
We'll be back with a new one in a couple weeks. So I'll talk to you then.
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Speaker 1 If you like too many podcasts, you'll love Sound Teap with John Lick Roberts. It's got clips from all your favorite podcasts, such as Diary of a Tiny CEO.

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Speaker 1 Alright, we're over 70 episodes into our show. Let's learn everything.
So let's do a quick progress check. Have we learned about quantum physics? Yes, episode 59.

Speaker 1 We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we? Yes, we have. Same episode, actually.
Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters? Episode 64.

Speaker 1 So how close are we to learning everything?

Speaker 1 Bad news, we still haven't learned everything yet. Oh, we're ruined!

Speaker 1 No, no, no, it's good news as well. There is still a lot to learn.
Woo! I'm Dr. Ella Hubber.
I'm regular Tom Lawling.

Speaker 1 I'm Caroline Roper, and on Let's Learn Everything, we learn about science and a bit of everything else too.

Speaker 1 And although we haven't learned everything yet, I've got a pretty good feeling about this next episode. Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun.

Speaker 1 Back in the lobby,

Speaker 1 the cybot has approached you,

Speaker 1 um,

Speaker 1 Navy, and says, I'm sorry, sir, I need you to clear the area. We'll need to mop all this up.
And he uh grabs like from his back a like wet floor sign.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and he's like, I need to get back to my job now, but please clear the area for your facility service with complete safety. Fully, fully understood.
Let me just get... Whoa!

Speaker 1 I fall down hard, slipping in the water. Okay.

Speaker 1 He is going to try to catch you.

Speaker 1 Good luck, big as heck. Yeah, you're a bulky boy, which normally makes you hard to knock down.
Yeah. Now it's hard to catch up.
In this case,

Speaker 1 it's going to be hard to catch you.

Speaker 1 Yeah. So you're going to roll 3d8 and he's going to roll 3d8.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 It's one of those, huh? Let me see what he got. That's two successes.
Maybe I'd add a couple TTSs on here, huh? If you want to. I'll do one TTS.
I'll bump it up to four.

Speaker 1 That's two successes, thank God. Oh, well, so, and he got an eight and a six.
And what did you get? Eight and a seven. Boom.
You go down, he tries to catch you. Can I land on top of him? Sure.

Speaker 1 I mean, this looks very accidental. He did not have to try to catch me.
Yeah. It's in his programming.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 But you go down as he's trying to one protect you and two, protect the company from any liability. Right.
You guys go down in a tangle. Okay, cool.

Speaker 1 Oh, dang, sorry. Oh, man.
Oh, man. I'm so sorry.
It's so wetty here.

Speaker 1 Sir, could you please, please remove yourself from my body? Are you injured? Do you need medical assistance? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 Oh, my neck.

Speaker 1 Oh, no. Oh, my back.

Speaker 1 And your back?

Speaker 1 Anything else?

Speaker 1 Both legs. Your neck, your back, any further locations? Both legs.

Speaker 1 Shoulders and shoulders.

Speaker 1 Oh, my trick. Shoulders.
Both trick shoulders and both legs.

Speaker 1 So, like, kind of your whole body? I have six old hockey injuries, and they were all just reactivated.

Speaker 1 What position did you play?

Speaker 1 Forward, rewinger.

Speaker 1 I need my doctor, Dr. Philip Strongwater, and I need my lawyer,

Speaker 1 Dr. Roger Strongwater.
Time out. Time out.

Speaker 1 We have our communications here, so I'm going to take this moment to call Roger. Hey, Rog.

Speaker 1 This seems to be taking a few minutes, pal. I was wondering if you could give me sort of the lay of the land.

Speaker 1 How's it going over there, man?

Speaker 1 oh let's see uh uh already start recording i'm here with todd johnson wow and i'm getting ready to present him with his prize from publisher's clearinghouse are you guys under duress

Speaker 1 no is there someone with you who has you at gunpoint or something i don't understand

Speaker 1 guys and toddlers

Speaker 1 i'm just standing outside the i gotta say the most boring door I've ever seen I'm just standing and I I'm hearing the things you're saying and I can't imagine how they could be serving you guys you know like getting us closer to it to the goal here as we say here at publisher's clearinghouse deal with this man the doors will soon be opening to your future I'm losing it

Speaker 1 the doors will soon be opening I heard you're getting louder to it I heard you now who's that that? And you said it was $499,000?

Speaker 1 Wait, I thought you were going to try to get a million. You said you were going to try to get a million, man.

Speaker 1 $199 big ones. Can we get the photo shoot ready to go so the doors to the future can be opening? And is it like a big check or something?

Speaker 1 Oh, no. Cash in this envelope right here.
Look how thick that is. Money's not supposed to enter into it, man.
Okay, so we'll just do like a quick photo and then I can get back to work, right?

Speaker 1 All right, I don't have to do that. Absolutely, absolutely.

Speaker 1 Oh, boy, I don't really like that angle.

Speaker 1 Can you come over here next to me?

Speaker 1 Artie, get over there next to that computer. And I think that's a better angle.
The lighting's better.

Speaker 1 And it really kind of captures the whole ambiance of everything. Yeah, take the balloons.
Take the balloons. Okay, now,

Speaker 1 if I may, I need your signature on the illum envelope

Speaker 1 before you do this.

Speaker 1 And Artie, you do what you do so well.

Speaker 1 Eat during the swink. Oh.

Speaker 1 So yeah, this is a whole bunch of disco population, and you have rolled well. He is distracted and befuddled, and Artie is able to plug his finger into the USB port on the computer.

Speaker 1 Okay, so in doing so,

Speaker 1 one, he doesn't relay any information to you in the moment because of Todd's presence, but the back security door is unlocked.

Speaker 1 Did I hear something? Did he hear? Yes, there was a beep and a click.

Speaker 1 Okay, but I... Okay, that's good.

Speaker 1 But I don't know what office yet, right? Correct. Okay, I'm just gonna put a brick

Speaker 1 Do you do so sneakily

Speaker 1 The normal well, I haven't okay, so here's the thing I'm underneath the security camera currently

Speaker 1 I have not been spotted by it yet.

Speaker 1 Obviously, I wouldn't post up like where it could see me But I do know the door is unlocked, but I don't know if Artie has managed to unlock the security gate yet the the camera yet.

Speaker 1 So I am now going to attempt to ascertain that by talking to Roger.

Speaker 1 All right, Roger, I need you to tell me the cameras. What's the situation with the cameras?

Speaker 1 Let me ask Artie. Artie,

Speaker 1 the home

Speaker 1 studio wants to know

Speaker 1 about the camera. The camera?

Speaker 1 Yes, Artie.

Speaker 1 the camera oh yeah the camera of course

Speaker 1 um and you see the camera power down and point to the ground

Speaker 1 okay now i will put a brick in the door okay do you do so sneakily

Speaker 1 i mean yeah traffic that's the sneakiest way anybody's ever put a brick in a door i love that roll 3d8 for me okay

Speaker 1 Unless, are you using a camera listening? It is what it is. It's a success.
Okay, so I'm not doing anything different different because I rolled it.

Speaker 1 Okay, great. With that success, when you open the door, the sidebot that is facing away from you,

Speaker 1 that is on the other side of the door, is not alerted to your presence.

Speaker 1 Great.

Speaker 1 And I

Speaker 1 would like to know that he's there, too. Yeah, you know that he's there.
As you crack the door, you can see that he's there. Okay, great.

Speaker 1 Well, I think I have all the shots I need.

Speaker 1 Well, do you really have all the info you need? Have we gotten everything?

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 Do you want to do a silly one?

Speaker 1 Well, no, I think maybe we need

Speaker 1 a location shot. Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1 You need to exfil. You need to get out of there.

Speaker 1 Oh, okay. So Artie knows.
Yes. Okay, I think we're done here.

Speaker 1 Todd. What?

Speaker 1 Should I give him the balloons?

Speaker 1 After he signs.

Speaker 1 I got to get his signature on this piece of paper. But

Speaker 1 I couldn't find a pen. They're all chained up out there, and I couldn't bring a pen in with me.
So you see, your corrupt system

Speaker 1 has its faults. That's a joke from me, Wink Martin Whale.
Where do I go?

Speaker 1 And then I fart.

Speaker 1 I led a tremendous, horrible...

Speaker 1 Okay, the moment I hear the fart, I smash against the door as hard as I can to try to smash the robot over.

Speaker 1 Do I need to roll for fart? Yes, of course you do. Clearly, obviously.
Dad, why do we call this podcast roll for fart if we're not going to make you roll for fart?

Speaker 1 You have in the name. CH4U.

Speaker 1 Yeah. You're going to roll 3d8.

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 okay.

Speaker 1 actually, I'm gonna do a dad wasn't quite sure about your judgment there, Trav. I'm gonna

Speaker 1 use one of my uh

Speaker 1 TTS dice. I think this is important, yeah, it's important.

Speaker 1 So, 48, but it's a VIF.

Speaker 1 This is the most important fart I've ever let. What, an MIF?

Speaker 1 Yeah, and it's two successes, an eight and a six. With two successes, you rip, oh, I can't say you rip fart, fart.
You rip, but real good. Fart! Yeah.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 it just turned into a text parser adventure game. I haven't been...
Has Rachel been having a lot of fun with the fart sound effect? I have to imagine there's a

Speaker 1 demir. If not before, then now.

Speaker 1 Todd, still holding the balloons, passes out.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 1 Okay, great. What were you going for?

Speaker 1 I just wanted to chase him out of the room so Artie could

Speaker 1 tell uh lyle which office i love you so much just in so many ways that you are like i'm gonna fart to get him out of the room

Speaker 1 instead of you leaving the room

Speaker 1 he he was here first

Speaker 1 good point why should he why should he have to leave so

Speaker 1 todd johnson thanks yeah from the smell of your fart john johnson

Speaker 1 all right artie do it

Speaker 1 Oh, oh,

Speaker 1 it seems that the computer the IP is linked to is in the bank manager's office.

Speaker 1 Lyle, bank manager's office. Toot, sweet.
I'm already on the way. Can you smashing the door?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Give me...
Let's see. What are you going to use? To smash

Speaker 1 anything's a drum?

Speaker 1 Indeed.

Speaker 1 Anything's a drum means I'm exceptionally skilled at improvising melee weapons in my environment, so I'm going to roll 3d8 to attack this guy with the door and of course i would like advantage on it because he's a good brother aware of my presence oh

Speaker 1 okay

Speaker 1 no i'll i'll give you 4d8 you can also use time to shine dice if you want to add i was going to use you know what i am going to use one of those trap i'm going to this is a moment where i i want that extra little bit of juice and i'm thinking about it and honestly i've been struggling with always remembering to use my time to shine dice.

Speaker 1 So I really want to take this opportunity

Speaker 1 to do it. I'll use it now and with all of this that has led up to this very furrative, secretive kind of move.
I'll give you an extra one so you can roll 5d8.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 1 That's a

Speaker 1 success. Two sixes.
That's a cowbunga. With a cowbunga.
Right where I need it the most.

Speaker 1 You pop that door and the doorknob hits the side bot right in what would be the center of the spine, but is a processing unit. And that Cybot is disabled silently.
You smash its Baymax personality.

Speaker 1 You smash his Baymax personality to shreds,

Speaker 1 all of its memories of being a small robot.

Speaker 1 Oh, don't, Jack, don't. It's gone.
Like, I'm halfway down the hallway. Okay.
I'm halfway down the hallway. I'm not even seeing the light go out of its eyes.
It's not even fuller.

Speaker 1 It's still warm. I'm gone.

Speaker 1 All right. So you're in the hallway.
Are you heading?

Speaker 1 let me just remember travis remember that one time that i got that electric stick that killed robots yeah i do i think griffin stole it from you yeah griffin stole it from me i still miss that stick all right sorry go ahead so you're in the hallway are you heading um

Speaker 1 i'm i'm uh

Speaker 1 sauntering down the hallway i feel like okay now let me ask you this travis uh-huh In the context, from your opinion, do you feel like I was able to, I mean, do you think I was able to do that without pulling this entire place down around me?

Speaker 1 Do you think that was effective enough and speedy enough that I was able to sort of like maintain this theme? Oh, with a cowabanga? Yeah, man. It's great.

Speaker 1 And you were able to do it without alerting attention. Perfect.

Speaker 1 I need to make my way down the hallway. I'm going to harness the power of

Speaker 1 extreme exfl. No, no.

Speaker 1 Extreme hiding using camouflage to hide in the environment. Great.
Roll 5d8 for that. You've trained in that and trained in amps.

Speaker 1 Success. Yeah, on two successes in there.

Speaker 1 You are able to move from shadow to shadow, blending in with the wallpaper on the walls, the cover of the door, like that one creepy monster from Monster Zinc.

Speaker 1 I was just thinking about that creepy monster from Monsters Inc.

Speaker 1 Thinking about a lot of Pixar movies here today. The door is closed.

Speaker 1 Ah, shoot. I shouldn't have said anything shit out because you put me in there.
But I mean,

Speaker 1 I just assumed you were going straight in. What's your plan? Well, I know, I didn't have a plan.
I didn't know if the door was locked. I'm just going in, but I didn't know if the door...

Speaker 1 I presumptuously put myself in the office and I didn't know if there was anything else. The door was not locked.
Okay, perfect.

Speaker 1 So now I'm in the bank manager's office. Tell me what I see.
Pay me a picture. You enter the bank manager's office, and it's nice.

Speaker 1 It's what you would think of, you know, a Newton's cradle thing on the desk.

Speaker 1 Squares and everything. And

Speaker 1 isn't that one of those things that that you guys would like love? A Newton's cracking. No, I guess.
If I had one, it would ruin any recording. Yeah, I'd never be able to do audio again.

Speaker 1 Newton's able to have Jacob's ladder right next to each other.

Speaker 1 It would literally be a point to where you would hear me be like, no, that is my iron lung. I told you guys, it's not the clacking ball.

Speaker 1 If I had a device, if I had one of those things in my office, believe it or not, my like hoity-toitiness, your inability to reason with me on anything, it would go out the window.

Speaker 1 let me think. Click, click.

Speaker 1 Let me watch the balls swing back and forth. It's the only moment of peace I have.

Speaker 1 In this world, the only thing that makes sense is my metal swinging ball. Don't you understand? Anyways, you enter the room and sitting behind the desk.

Speaker 1 Okay, wait, hold on. Just one last question about the Newton's crazy.
Yes, of course. Do you think when Newton presumably invented it, like when he got it going, he was like, heck yeah, dude.

Speaker 1 That's all I'm doing now.

Speaker 1 Like the first time and he's like hey get in here debbie get in here and she's like what he's like heck yeah dude look at it

Speaker 1 and he's like

Speaker 1 noon's balls and she's like i don't think you want to do that so it's okay cradle yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah look at it i did it and she's like do you think that you could scale it up and do it with like bowling balls heck yeah heck yeah i could do it with bowling balls i can do it with any watch this i'm gonna try pumpkins oh nope that one didn't work Like he probably had to work at it for a long time.

Speaker 1 And when he was done, no one was quite sure if he was done or not. Yeah, he's like, I got it.

Speaker 1 And he's like, I want to take a quick break to go sit underneath that apple tree and think about how awesome I am. Ow!

Speaker 1 I have another idea. Gravity.
Okay.

Speaker 1 You enter, and sitting behind the desk is a shrimp man

Speaker 1 in an ill-fitting suit. And you have actually seen

Speaker 1 this man before

Speaker 1 at the awards ceremony for the River City runner-ups. This is Crillium.
You saw him with Walter Russell.

Speaker 1 Um, yes, um, sorry, uh, uh, yes, uh, can I help you? Uh, how did you

Speaker 1 I walk past and I just pick up his computer. Um, that's uh, excuse me, um, well, there's no need for all that.

Speaker 1 Oh, okay, I'm going to call security now. No, no, no, no, no.
I'll be done in a second. Oh.

Speaker 1 all right just about got it what do you sorry I'm all right I'm leaving the room with your computer no that's theft actually and I am going to have to call I'm out of the building

Speaker 1 if you take the computer he will alert security no no no I yeah yeah you can't just say no no no no no no no no no no no he won't he won't I

Speaker 1 okay So he I'll start to take the computer and then he says he's gonna call security. Don't call security, man.
You're not gonna want want to tell them why i'm here to you

Speaker 1 i i don't know why you're here um

Speaker 1 think about it man are you sure

Speaker 1 come on you know why i'm here i have to desperately now try to remember the weird name there it is wait are you scuzz chromalot 17

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