The Adventure Zone: Abnimals Ep. 17: Figging Around!

In spite of what you have heard, we're at the height of our powers Atop the tallest towers

We'll never stop us by having to trust that we will do what we must Until it's turning out just like you plan The railway self-round is long But our mojo's strong And unless I'm wrong And I'm not We're at the height of our power

A new day dawns on River City, and we find ourselves at the future home of hair dryers dryer,

the only laundromat in the city featuring only dryers.

So it was the expectation that you would show up with a bunch of sopping wet clothes.

Well, I think the assumption, and remember, this isn't me, making this hair dryer, that maybe you got splashed by a big puddle or you got caught in a water balloon fight.

So you get nude right there in front of God and everyone.

You go over to the Curse of Soak Island to get your clothes.

That's across the street, yeah.

It's a good location.

Yeah, sure.

It's actually, I've been saying they should open a Curse of Soak Island there for years because it's actually so close to dry area.

And outside the three of you, along with the baddies that you left the River City First Enforcement with, Hammer Ned,

Eel Patrick Harris, Squid Mark, Artificial, and Thumper, as well as Goshua Darnett, the, at this point, former River City First Enforcement Officer.

Do you think maybe they could all form some sort of super bad guy team real quick just so we don't have to hear their names individually over again?

I turn to them and I say, first order business, most of you are going to need to wait in the van.

There's just a lot.

It's a game.

It's too many names around.

Yeah, it just takes too long or too many of you to get.

Okay, sorry, hold on.

Which one of us...

Are any of us coming in?

Who knows hair dryer the best?

I've only got two openings, and then I'll take a pool cue and snap it over my knee and toss it to

you sort it out.

Well, how are we supposed to play pool now?

You just broke it in half.

Whoever eats their half first.

That's messy.

Take a cue from him.

He'll tell you.

That's good.

No, just, you know, low profile, someone who's not to be tempted to do a bunch of crimes.

Someone who maybe has a personal connection with hair dryer, has any kind of contact with Clamjula.

That would be sort of our ideal candidate.

Artie raises his hand.

I have been in contact with Angela before.

Do you mean Clamjula?

What did I say?

You said Angela, I thought.

I'm full of Dorito dust.

Yes, Clamjula.

Oh, my God.

Is his face's face all messed up like what happened to Haley Joel Osmond when he ate spinach in AI?

No, it's just covered in a lot of orange dust.

I think about that face he makes in my worst dreams.

Yeah, of course.

What does he eat?

He eats spinach.

He's having a spinach eating race with the real human son to show off, and then half his face like melts off.

Yeah, his love is real, but he is not.

I think it's easy to forget that.

But then his biceps sprout up with anchors on them and you hear

and he beats the kid up.

Have you not seen that movie?

Beats up his brother.

Yeah, I'm just saying it sucks that it was spinach.

If I was going to die eating some food, I would want it to be some sort of zesty ball.

You know,

no.

No, a zesty ball shape food.

Like some sort of crunchy zesty ball.

Um, so yeah, Artie, why don't you come with us?

And um

the rest of you wait in the van.

Don't steal it.

Don't drive, don't leave.

Uh, Squid Mark stops halfway through eating the

pool cue.

Uh, what are we still eating the pool cue or if you get hungry enough?

Sure.

Okay, cool.

Thank you.

I just didn't know if it was off limits.

If you're gonna be able to do it,

that's for the table.

Also, these things unscrew.

You didn't need to snap it in half.

You could have just unscrewed it.

I want to stroll on it

okay you guys stroll into the dry area inside you see hair dryer this place currently it looks like it was being built out into some kind of like storage unit like a warehouse but was not completed so now he is developing it into the dry area the future home of the dry area you see hair dryer as well as his hot boys going around sweeping up the place picking up you know whatever debris scrubbing graffiti graffiti on the walls that kind of thing

hey

it's you guys

yeah no i see you hey it's me hair dryer hello hair

is is that what you always sounded like

well yeah the accent i remember was fake i'm from nebraska oh yeah sorry yeah from the midwest the accent was just so good because it helped you sound like someone else

that was when i was trying to be that's when i was trying to be kind of an evil guy, you know what I mean?

And like, I was doing heists and stuff to try to finance my dream of opening the only

dryer-only laundromat.

But now I got a small business loan.

And so, like, I'm set.

How is business, by the way?

Well, we haven't opened yet.

So,

so far, so good.

So, if you guys are here to, like, dry your clothes or something, we're not ready yet.

I love the enthusiasm.

We could hook up.

We got a couple dryers here, or we could just, like, I don't know blow dry your clothes till they're warm or something

that's one of the top things I love when a dryer can do make your clothes warm and dry that's number two those are like the two things two yeah and I'm a sea mammal

so

I'm all set visa v being wet all the time okay

no we had something sensitive to talk about with you is there a pro a private place where we can go um anything you can say to me you could say in front of my hot boys Here, I got this.

And I'll just.

I'll just go dryer to dryer.

Activating them until it's so loud for a dryer to noise.

This is good.

Sorry, what did you say?

Who put shoes in there?

There's a clear rule that says no tennis shoes.

Oh no, we didn't put the sign up yet.

Rick-it-tucket!

Rick-it-tuck-it!

See, you look at the wrench core or something?

Yeah, that was that was overalls.

You guys's wife don't wear exclusively overalls?

That's the sound of overalls in the dryer.

What did you guys need?

Let's go.

Let's step outside.

Oh, that's so much better.

Yeah, that's much better.

Okay, so what is it?

So we're

fugitives.

Oh.

What kind of shoe, like the shoe is on the other foot kind of thing.

I'm a legitimate businessman, though.

Yeah, it's funny how life goes sometimes in a big city.

But we need your help.

We're trying to find...

Wandering money?

I should have expected that this was going to take a little bit of time.

Three episodes I waited for that.

We're trying to find Clamjula.

And we know that you've done some dealings with Clamjula.

And so I was hoping you might be able to point us in the right direction.

Well, maybe I have and maybe I haven't.

But I have.

Yeah, I have.

Yeah, I did.

I mean, but it's all online.

All online?

Yeah, like you contact Clamjula, Clamjula contacts back you.

It's kind of an anonymous.

How do you what are you using?

Email.

Are you telling me you're not being fish catted?

I mean, I gotta have one of my hot boys, you know, Spectacles Troy can take a look at it.

Yeah,

I mean, I can send an email to you.

If you went to MIT, he could maybe help you pinpoint the email address?

Like the IP address.

Whether you know it, it would be in your history.

I don't need to go to MIT.

I know, I know the email address, but that's not...

Okay, wait.

I'm so sorry.

I didn't want to assume anything.

An email address isn't like a physical address that you can go to.

You know that part, right?

Yes.

Okay, but if we can trace like the IP address, then you could maybe find her.

You're being...

Can I ask if...

Can I ask a question?

Yeah.

Why are you not more scared of Clam Shore?

It's

up and up now.

No, absolutely.

But like,

you know,

I thought, I'm surprised that you would be willing to sort of turn on her.

I would think that...

You would just want to stay away from the crime world.

I guess I shouldn't be

looking at Gift.

No, listen, I can explain it.

Two reasons.

First of all, I wouldn't be where I am now if you guys hadn't set me on the right path and said, like, just legitimately, like, purchase a business and do it.

Yeah.

And then your buddy Dean, you gave me his car.

I reached out to him.

He helped me with the paperwork for the loan and everything.

So I owe you guys.

Hey,

can I talk to you two over here?

There was a second reason.

Yeah, go for it.

What's the second reason?

Hold on.

You're not ready.

Hold on.

I'm not ready for a second reason.

Okay, all right.

I'll wait on the second reason.

We need to talk about our first region.

We're gonna reconnoitre.

Okay, okay, yeah, I'll wait over here.

Are you guys buying this?

I'm not so sure.

You think he's.

I don't know.

I

tend to think that a zebra stripes are black and white.

You know,

I wonder if maybe this isn't a vast cover-up for some sort of.

You hear Artie Fischer.

Was I supposed to join you guys over there or stay here with Harry Pryor?

Stay there, Artie.

Okay.

Oh, yeah, we could have Artie artificial ping the ip address

right so what if but what if the pathway that uh uh we're being led down by hair dreyer will just lead us right into capture by clamjel i have an idea

why don't we i know we're not supposed to divide forces

But since I am an undercover operative, why don't I pretend to go along with Hair Dreyer and you two pursue some other line of of inquiry

that seems so misguided

trying to I'm trying to be productive you know and build off of it I really swear but I can't see a single reason it's the most obvious thing yes I'm trying and it I'll tell you what bugs me a little bit is that we all kind of came up with this plan together and now you're saying it's my plan you guys go find another even better plan That is the way of the cooperative.

Okay, what they're doing here undercover.

So do you guys buy it?

Or

do you think he's really turned over a new leaf?

I mean, I'm not a great judge of character, but he seems pretty solid to me.

Okay,

I'm going to sneak in the back office.

And I'm going to see what's cooking back there.

And I'll get a look at his books.

Okay, Justin, give me a uh like a sneak roll okay i will happily do that uh

yeah can make well yeah i would use extreme hiding can use camouflage to hide in the environment 5d8 yeah you got 5d8 baby fantastic what do you camouflage as in a laundromat

um

remember not a finished laundromat a lot of concrete walls and graffiti and a houseplant a fiddly fern a fiddly fern good a fiddly fern?

A fiddly fern.

A fiddly fern.

Fiddly fern.

Fiddly be.

Another folder roll.

This house plant is a gift to thee.

If you can add some rye riddles three.

I freaking love that this conversation went

Lyle saying, I don't trust him, walking into the laundromat, turning into a house.

Holy crap, and then strolling for the back.

Aw, crumbs, guys.

I got one, eight, and four failures.

One, two, one, one, eight.

Ouch.

You got three ones.

Three ones, man.

I'm having a hard time.

I'm trying to get my creative juices flowing and figure out what a mixed success of camouflaging oneself as a

houseplant looks like.

Yeah.

He only gets to the bottom.

I think that now you look like a plant man,

but still the man part,

Much like in the classic film The Stupids.

Yeah.

Oh, man, plant.

Man, bush.

If we're going to do a whole stupid

goof.

And so you don't look like Lyle anymore,

but you do still look like a person.

So I'm like, stuck.

Is that what you're saying?

I'm like, stuck.

No, like, you've made yourself green and leafy.

You've changed the way your frills look.

But I'm like stuck mid-plant camouflage.

Yeah.

Okay.

Like, it it makes people not look at me, but mainly because they don't want to look.

Yeah, it's a little embarrassing.

It's like go away green.

I look at everyone else in our little band of scoundrels here.

I say just making sure nobody else feels like they're about to turn into a plant.

I don't know if chlorophyllis puts some sort of spores in the air that is now slowly going to do that to all of us.

Hey, did you guys want to hear my second?

Yes, sorry, sorry, sorry.

What were we going to hear my second?

Yeah, yeah, sorry.

What's your second point?

Oh, it's Clamdula just kind of a go-between, just a middle person, you know, kind of deal.

So, like, that's not really where the scary is.

Like, I could put you in touch with her,

and what you guys do from there is kind of your deal.

Sounds good.

Well, we are on the run now, so perhaps she would entertain the idea of using us

criminals.

We are criminals now.

Let's hire, let's try to get hired by her or whatever.

Yes, three stars.

Oh, I think that.

Yeah, I think that's great.

Do you want me to do anything with this housewarming plant?

Do you want me to

that plant person?

Yeah, I look like a man plant.

Yes.

Or a plant man?

This is just a regular plant, and he wants to put it in your office.

I'm a regular plant, and I must be placed into his office.

It has

it's connected

to hamazon

the shopping well this is interesting because right now if you look around at all the hot boys i got a lot of slabs of beef around here i know it would be nice to have something kind of more vegan yeah

so this this

it's not fiddley fern you don't want to eat that so this man plant

like he wants to join the hot boys no he just just put it in your office for decoration Yes, it's a gift.

Someone.

On a decorative plant.

He's decorative, so he wants to decor.

And check this out.

I'll just put him in your office.

Buy jelly beans.

Buy Hamazon.

Hamazon, buy jelly beans.

Finley.

I'm going to roll to put the plant in the office.

Thank you.

What should I roll?

God, that's such a good question.

You guys love backing me into some DM corners here, huh?

What would you do?

I just want to make sure he's not trying to trick or trap us.

You're right.

The zookeeper.

Okay.

ZK corner.

How about...

Hey, could it be be the Zeke?

Is that something?

Yeah, I'm the Zeke, baby.

Okay, yeah, I'll interview him to see if he wants to join or let him decorate my office, I guess.

You keep saying him.

This is a bush.

Well, he's talking.

And it's an AI.

It's a robot.

It's connected to Amazon.

Well, so's that robot.

And

the artificial waves his hand.

I'm a talking cow, so I know.

Everything's just wild.

Yeah, I guess different strokes for different folks.

I'm a fiddly fig with a bad attitude.

Huh?

That's not a great start to your employment application.

It tells jokes and weather.

Okay.

Hey,

fiddly fig, was it?

Fiddly fig.

How big do you wait?

Hold on.

Hold on.

Fiddly Fig.

Tell me a joke.

Fiddly fig, fiddly fig.

You asked for one of my riddles three.

Well, I said a joke.

So I stole it from a giant house.

Oh.

Okay.

How big is the dryarrhea?

Like the laundromat size.

That's a really good question.

Well, I was curious if perhaps you needed a plant manager

for the driarrhea.

And maybe this plant man could become a plant manager.

I'm going to be honest with you.

Is that anything?

I'm all turned around and topsy-turvy.

So, for right now, why don't we go to my office?

Yeah, and we'll draft an email to Clamjula.

And I guess we'll put the plant

near the window.

Great.

Awesome.

Awesome.

Yes.

Can it just be a montage of each of us sitting at the keyboard and me just sort of slapping the desk and be like, nope.

Anyone got good ones for typing?

Any of y'all got fingers?

My fingers are sort of splits of my fin, and they're each about four inches wide.

Minor hooves.

That's not great.

Lyle, what are you working with?

Maybe Artie has AI.

Artie could probably just send the email with like a radar dish in his torso or something.

I feel like it'd be insulting to have him type out an email.

While you guys are trying to figure this out, Navy, you get two phone calls at the same time.

One is from

Dr.

Barker, aka Loveless, and the other one is

from your father.

Ooh,

you really back me into a corner.

Okay, first I answer Dr.

Barker.

I say, Navy Seal, please hold.

And then I'll switch over to the call from my dad.

Hello.

Dark blue, what has gotten into you?

You left me?

You are my ride, and you left me here.

What were you thinking?

Um, yeah, I sort of revoke ride privileges when you narc on me.

Narc?

Yeah.

What?

What in the deep blue?

I saw you on the cameras.

You were narking us out.

I was making

business deals with billionaire philanthropist Walter Russell.

What kind of business deals, Dad?

He's going to help me fund some like offshore

observation towers.

And in exchange?

He's going to own part of them.

That's a pretty good deal, actually, Dad.

I can see why you got excited about that.

I thought you were the brand.

But then, right after you started talking to him, we got raided down in the basement.

We were doing our secret thing.

I'm just saying for, you know, trying to get some of the heat off our backs, you didn't do the best job.

I might have gotten distracted by the possibility of a business relationship, but that's part of being king of seals, don't you see?

Yeah.

That's not a real position, Dad.

That's not a real...

Oh, this again.

It's not a monarchic sort of structure.

We are, at the end of the day, wild animals who have learned to stand and talk and chill and stuff.

And one of us is golden Seal with a big golden submarine, and the other one is a disgraced member no longer of the Royal Seals.

Let me check to see who's in charge.

Hmm, one of us is king, one of us isn't.

Oh, that's so weird.

You'll never understand me, Dad.

You just don't.

Switch back over.

Sorry.

What?

Yeah, sorry.

I was doing a different call.

What's going on, Bart?

I was calling for some updates on how

the operation was going.

The operation.

Yeah, pretty good.

We found out what was taken, which is

a great development.

It's kind of funny.

Hey, real quick.

What do you know about Walter Russell?

Like, what's your.

Yes, everyone knows that bit.

Well, I mean, he's one of our major donors

here for the Barker Innovations.

A lot of our work, you know, he then

buys a lot of our work and uses it in the enforcement agency, in his various businesses.

We would not be able to do the research and such that we do without the funding from Walter Russell.

Okay, understood.

All right, well, I'll let you get back to it.

What was missing?

I'll let you get.

Sorry, we're in the middle of another operation.

I can't be loud or else we'll get caught.

I'll contact you later.

I will contact you later.

Over and out.

But I have so many more.

It's a joke I know well.

Yes, and it goes a little something like this.

A priest, a preacher, and a rabbit walk into a clinic to donate blood.

Okay.

The rabbit says, I think I'm a typo.

I get it.

That's really good.

I enjoy this plant, man.

Just real quick, gang, I got a call from Travis Barker, and I didn't know if he's, like, if we should, who to trust, I guess, right now.

I don't know

how much in the lamb mode I should be switching into.

But it feels like...

Well, currently I only trust the sun.

So I think I'm a little too deep in the paint on this one.

I have gotta get out of this half plant half man for okay

I just need to take one quick butcher through his office if that's all right But we're all in the office now sending an email so like

mission accomplished with a plom you got us all in here juice Did I see anything that indicates to us that there's anything shifty going on?

Um I will give you without without rolling i'll give you that surface level there's nothing to indicate like you see what if what is with rolling i mean you might find more okay well that's what i came in here to do so i'd like to have a butcher bet a hundred million dollars there's nothing else going on here

mixed success there's nothing that you see that would indicate to you

Anything

out of the ordinary.

That's, you know what?

I'll take it.

Fine.

I'll take it.

That's fine.

I'm half plant, half man.

I can't expect better.

Why would I do better than that?

Okay, so

why don't you just log in here and I'll give you the email address.

You can send an email, start a contact.

I'd be glad to.

I've already worked up a first draft.

Wait, wait, wait.

Can you check this for any sort of key

software?

Where'd you come from?

Wait, are you still plantman?

What What?

I forgot that you were here, Beans.

Oh, that's fair, though.

Yeah, I am programmed to sound exactly like Lyle.

That's amazing.

Yeah.

Anyway, that's all the...

That's all actually he programmed me to say.

It's like recording.

I'm recorded.

Pre-recorded.

This is pre-recorded.

D-N.

Beep.

It doesn't beep.

All right.

Well, Roger, you're probably going to want to make like a fake email address or something.

Oh, that's good.

Make it sound super evil, like you're an evil guy with evil friends.

Okay, yeah.

SCSI Crumalot.

No, that's really good.

Yeah, what about SCUS?

Scuzz Crumalot?

What about?

I don't know if SCUZ at cmail.com is going to be available.

Well, matter of fact, I checked, and I'm going to have to go with SCUSCRMALOT

17.

There are that many chromolots oh wow okay

what are you gonna put in the subject line because that's usually for me the hardest

uh okay so the body of what i've come up with well the subject line though what's the subject line first um

um

tired of morons

yeah yeah and it's a you hook them you hook them with their need first okay hook them with their need

can we use a word that's maybe a little kinder goons is goons okay Well, but goons is kind of the whole deal.

You want yeah, but see, we're trying to reshape their thinking, we're trying to look at it a whole nother way.

Say, type in, I'm no goon.

I'm no goons.

Yes, I'm no goons.

We're no goons.

We're no goons.

We're not goons.

It's apostrophe.

There's an apostrophe there.

Dear, dear clamjula.

Don't put dear, you're evil.

Okay,

stupid clamjula.

So would hair dryer notice if I rolled away right now?

No, go for it.

Okay, I'm gonna roll away to have a little bit more of a butcher's.

Okay, roll 3d8 for me.

Get him a second, butchers.

The dice no.

They gave me a big success against scraps.

I'm so sorry, man.

They know I'm a plant rolling around like a funky.

Okay, here's what happens.

You start moving around like one of those.

It's like a Miyazaki movie.

We're like halfway through, like, he's gonna walk around at some point, right?

This is the most boring detective movie I've ever seen.

Now, you start doing that thing, like those little like kind of dashboard toys, you know, where it's like when music plays, the flower dances.

So you are doing that, and he's already bought into like that you're like a robotic, half robot, half half-plant.

So you're moving around, but it's not exactly subtle.

Okay, perfect, perfect, yeah, perfect.

So

tired of hiring incompetent goons?

How about three competent goons?

Oh, that's good.

Lancelot LinkedIn gives us two prehensile tails up.

That's good, man.

Mostly due to our efforts of freeing some of your employees from the security force recently.

Oh, that's good too, Dan.

Yes, we busted them out of jail to show you we're bad

butts.

We're bad butts.

Bad butts.

Nice.

Strong language.

You'll love that.

Baddest butts in town.

What?

And

roots.

We got roots in the community.

And then type in a free hat.

We have our own uh branding and we will give you a free hat if you hire us to do uh dirty deeds done dirt cheap then hair dryer sees the fiddly fig just slapping its leaves on the keyboard

wild dad's diaping i'm sorry i forgot

The free hat is so it gets picked up in the algorithm.

Oh, okay.

Right, okay, yeah.

What?

Wait, the plant, the plant spell checks, too?

Yeah, my children.

Yeah, the plant does everything.

The whole thing's in papyrus.

I think even the plant is getting tired of being the plant, if I'm being honest.

Oh, that's deep, man.

Isn't it?

So, uh, I think this bad boy's ready to send.

Um,

sincerely No.

Insincerely yours.

The three bad butts.

Well, you need to put in your name.

But is it possible you've forgotten it?

Should I use my name?

Also, wait, almost.

Are we going to have to stay here at Hair Dryer's place to wait for a while?

Yeah, the next scene

is 40 minutes.

Yeah.

Let's set up an interview somewhere.

Well, that'll be be Clamjula's job, I assume.

We don't set typically when you want to interview for a job, you don't set up the interview.

You madman, you absolute lunatic.

Dad, when was the last time you interviewed for a job?

Well, I've never been fired from one, Travis, so I don't have any experience in trying to find a new job.

I always have people coming to me.

Yeah.

This is why the Lancelot LinkedIn would be the best way to go about it.

What time?

Okay, how about this?

P.S.

P.S.

What time do you want us to show up for our interview?

We can do 3.30.

Say we can do 3.30 tomorrow.

Do 3.30 tomorrow.

Just a second.

Friday's looking pretty good.

Also.

Earlier in the day, I've got my stories.

Right.

And then your name.

Should I use my real name?

No, you used the name that you came up with when you introduced yourself in the first paragraph of the body.

Oh.

Um,

uh, Bo Vine?

Oh, man.

Oh, my God.

You have forgotten already, don't you?

Scuzz.

What did I say?

I lean over and I type in

Scuzz Crum a lot.

Scuzz Crumley.

Scuzz Crumley.

Scuzz Crum a lot, I thought.

Okay, we'll go with that.

I'll just sign Scuzz.

Just sign Scuzz.

That way it's kind of personal, but at the same time, it sounds like I'm one of those bad butt people who only uses one name, like share.

That's cool.

But when three people show up, she might be confused.

And associates, Scuzz and

Scuzz and his scum buddy.

Scuzz Crumalot

and the Morselmen.

Oh, that is good.

And we're the Morsel Men.

And I pointed the plant.

I just point at the plant.

Us two are the morsel men.

And you're Scuzz Crumlot.

Yeah, insincerely.

Great.

All that's in the, yeah.

Okay, well, while we wait for a response, you guys want to grab a coffee?

Or we could go over to Soaks Island.

This whole time, what?

I'm transforming back into myself.

Justin Tyler, I was going to get him out of the office for you.

I was a plant.

He was about to leave you in the office by yourself.

Well, that wouldn't have been worth the fun enough.

sport?

Where's the prestige?

What?

Lyle?

That's right.

Dance for me, puppet.

Okay.

And he starts dancing.

No one ever knows where I am.

Oh, there's a response.

Wow, that was

a little desperate.

It just says, what's your rate per job?

Oh, I hate that.

I hate what they do like that.

Ask what they're willing to pay.

That's what's standard.

Market standard plus 10%.

Oh, that's good i don't know plus market standard plus the juice

point

the vig the vig plus the vig tell them the juice is full type that in

science does crumb a lot the morsel man

you get a response almost right away that says i'll be in touch when you're needed now at this point

artie has been plugged in to the computer and dings

uh-oh we got a hit yeah artie what do you have i have been able to trace the IP to a building.

I haven't been able to pinpoint within it, but it seems that the emails are coming from within the River City First Bank.

Well,

that's bad news for us.

I'm not

sure how

persona non grata we might be if we show up there.

We can go incognito.

And Artie holds one finger up under his nose like a mustache.

I love this.

Yeah.

It hasn't proven to be our strongest.

Guys, it was me the whole time.

Yeah, no, we're all doing a lot of great disguise work today.

Maybe let's circle back, head to the van, and put a little bit of elbow grease behind our effort in here.

If you can get me into the building and I can connect to the router, I can pinpoint which computer the emails are being sent from.

Yeah, but then we have to do a podcast about you.

Well, I'd just be there with you.

It's okay.

I like Artie.

Artie sounds different enough for me to know who Artie is, which I like about him.

Thank you.

No problem.

Do you have any more Doritos?

Oh, I don't think that did.

It did a little bit of a number on you there, Tex.

I love Doritos.

Hey.

Let's say this.

If you do a successful job, there will be Doritos aplenty.

Family-sized bag?

Oh, yes.

But they would not be for my family.

They would be for me and just me.

Maybe a party bag.

Here's what I would say, friend.

Can't start a family unless you got the Doritos to feel.

True.

That's so deep.

So sometimes you got to get the family bag before the family.

Because otherwise...

People aren't going to feel safe with you or provided for.

That's what they mean when they say family planning.

They're talking about making sure you get the Doritos you need before you even start.

I am.

I used to remember that, kids.

So, yeah, let's get out of here.

I hop on my skateboard.

Grind off the wall.

I do a little rub off the wall, a little jump, wall grind, jump off, 180, land.

I hear one of my cats upstairs crying.

You know what they're, you know what they're upset about.

Just like the state of things and whatever.

No, they're only ever wanting one thing, and that's for me to get the smalls out.

Dad, we don't know how to,

yeah, they love the smooth bird.

Dad, we want our smooth bird.

We don't have jobs.

We can't buy our own food.

We don't know how to order things.

Dad, we're so scared.

We're cats and we've gained complete human intelligence.

What's happening?

Where are we?

Yeah.

Where are we?

But you know what?

I calm them right down with smalls because you're going to get a package of smalls, right?

You're going to open it up.

You're going to put it in front of your cats there, put it into a bowl, whatever you're going to, I don't know your business.

When you put it out there, these cats are going to freak out.

And you're also going to see some long-lasting effects.

In my experience, at least, my cats have been a little healthier.

They've had a nice, nice-looking coat, and they just love, they love smalls they love it smalls cat food is protein packed recipes made with preservative free ingredients um and it's delivered right to your door and cats.com named it their best overall cat food and get this after switching to smalls 88 of cat owners report overall health improvements for smalls food that's a big deal for a limited time only because you are i was really proud of that just i was really proud of that sorry trav that was great thank you for a limited time only because you're an adventure zone listener you can get 60 off your first smalls order plus free shipping when you head to smalls.com slash adventure that's 60 off when you head to smalls.com slash adventure plus free shipping again that's smalls.com slash adventure hey this week we're coming to sorry to interrupt i just kind of burst in okay yeah sorry hey i'm also sorry i'm also sorry and i'm here and i'm interrupting too If you're coming to

our shows this week in San Antonio and Austin, thank you.

If you're not already planning on coming, why not?

We want to see you there.

We need you there.

Join the show.

What are you doing?

It's so great.

Yeah.

If you're coming to the show and you want to have a question,

you got a question you want answered, you want a fear read aloud, we got you.

Email that to mbmbam at maximumfund.org and put your city in the subject line in Austin.

And also doing what trap?

What are we doing in Austin, buddy?

Well, we're doing Adventure Zone versus Hercules, and it's going to be a real treat.

You're going to feel happier than you've ever felt in your entire life.

Yeah, we're also coming to Utah and California later this year.

Tickets for all those shows are on sale now.

More info and ticket links are available at bit.ly forward slash McElroyTours.

Oh, we also have a new merch because it's a new month.

Yeah, we have a new month, new merch, new you.

Well, yeah, sort of.

We've got a brand new Gerald t-shirt over there, designed by Lynn Doyle.

Go to mackerelmerch.com, check it out.

And 10% of all merch proceeds this month will be donated to Equality Florida, which is dedicated to securing full equality for Florida's LGBTQ community.

So go to macromerch.com to get yours now.

You know, we've been doing my brother, my brother, me for 15 years.

And

maybe you stopped listening for a while.

Maybe you never listened.

And you're probably assuming three white guys talking for 15 years.

I know where this has ended up.

But no, no, you would be wrong.

We're as shocked as you are that we have not fallen into some sort of horrific scandal or just turned into a big crypto thing.

Yeah, you don't even really know how crypto works.

The only NFTs I'm into are naughty, funny things, which is what we talk about on My Brother, My Brother, and Me.

We serve it up every Monday for you if you're listening.

And if not, we just leave it out back and goes rotten.

So check it out on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts.

All right, we're over 70 episodes into our show.

Let's learn everything.

So let's do a quick progress check.

Have we learned about quantum physics?

Yes, episode 59.

We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we?

Yes, we have.

Same episode, actually.

Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?

Episode 64.

So, how close are we to learning everything?

Bad news, we still haven't learned everything yet.

Oh, we're ruined!

No, no, no, it's good news as well.

There is still a lot to learn.

Woo!

I'm Dr.

Ella Hubber.

I'm regular Tom Lom.

I'm Caroline Roper, and on Let's Learn Everything, we learn about science and a bit of everything else too.

And although we haven't learned everything yet, I've got a pretty good feeling about this next episode.

Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun.

So now that you know that Cleamsla is somewhere in the River City First Bank,

you know that you've been contacted by Dr.

Barker.

What is your next move?

I mean, it didn't seem like Barker wanted anything from me, right?

He was just hitting me up for information.

Well, I would remind you that he is one of the Greenback Guardians.

Oh, that's right.

Okay.

All right.

Remembering that,

maybe I call him back real quick.

Hey, Travis, wink, wink.

Oh, sorry.

Yes, hello.

Hey, whoa, that was weird.

Hey, is this Dr.

Travis Barker?

Yes.

Wink, wink, wink.

The winks are appreciated.

No idea if the line is secure.

So we found him.

Wait, is the line secure?

Can you backwards hack it or whatever from where you are?

Uh, yeah, let me see.

Hold on.

And while you're here.

Where is Archie?

Oh, we got him.

What?

Yeah, he's hanging with us for a minute.

He got out again?

He rode with us.

He's riding with us now, and that's all you really need to know right now.

Okay, have him check the line.

Have him check the line?

Alrighty, check the line, pal.

Of course.

Yeah, check it.

This line is secure.

Amazing.

Listen, it's the tape.

It's the Greenback Guardian's pilot.

What's that?

Why does he have to link it to see if it's secure?

It's worth it.

That's how I check.

Plus, I thought I saw some Dorito dust on the phone.

Absolutely.

I'm here.

We may have broke your guy.

He's just real jacked up.

But yeah, so someone stole the tape, the cassette tape with the pilot episode unaired of the real Greenback Guardians.

Yeah, what would somebody see if they were to watch that?

Well, I mean, it's our origin story.

It's, you know, how we became, went from being four little tortoises to being

full-fledged, you know,

fighting team, if you will.

You were just regular turtles.

You were just regular turtles in the sewer, and you got to swim through slop, right?

Well, no.

Well, we were trained tortoises,

helping with experiments by

Professor Dr.

Barth Monroe, who, as I'm sure you know, is a physicist, surgeon, and extreme sports enthusiast.

And then there was a laboratory accident while he was microwaving a burrito.

and the ensuing reaction caused us to mutate into the Greenback Guardians

why would but that's not a secret right

well that's general knowledge correct

but this was intended to be so this was brainstormed by Lamar and intended to be an accurate

like the real Greenback Guardians and

it was in fact very accurate.

Was there something on that tape that someone either would want to see or would not want other people seeing?

It does detail the combination of

chemicals that was involved in our creation.

Interesting.

So someone wants to know the chemical compound that's capable of mutating animals into appinals.

Was it not adapted for television?

It was

never aired.

Right, but like they put the real formula into the TV show.

This, as I said, was Lamar's,

you know, his work.

He wanted it

sure.

Wildly irresponsible.

Just hugely.

It's like if they used to show on Pokemon and then they were like, and here's how to build a bomb.

Did they not get any notes from the network?

I mean, this is why Dr.

Monroe, Professor Dr.

Monroe, made sure it never saw the light of day.

How did it get out of the pilot's crip sage, though?

The fact that this went into production at all is frankly wild to me, but that's neither here nor there.

Someone took it, someone wants to know that formula.

Well,

that's the bad news, but there is good news.

It won't be as easy as they think, for you see,

it was in beta max format.

Okay,

it will take them some time to be able

to view the videotapes.

To decrypt.

Decrypt it.

Mm-hmm.

Alright.

Makes sense it was this superior format.

Indeed.

Well, we're about to do something pretty irresponsible, Dr.

Barker, so if you don't hear from us for a minute,

we've been arrested by cops.

Okay, I understand.

Now, when if you manage to not be arrested by the enforcement agency

Then meet me at JJ August's home.

I believe we may need some help

Okay, can we do our thing first or should we oh, yes, no by all means no rush.

Okay, awesome.

I'll always love having a plan after a plan.

I thought you were going to say I always love you

No

He doesn't give his heart away quite that easily my friend

I'm a harp seal.

We're loners by nature.

Dr.

Barker, I apologize.

That's okay.

Well, God speed.

Oh, I'm not a harp seal.

I'm a Ross seal.

Why did I lie like that?

Guys, why did I just lie like that?

Well, because you like keeping people at arm's length.

I guess that's true.

So, uh, on to the bank?

On to the bank!

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