The Adventure Zone: Abnimals Ep. 7: Gearing Up!

In spite of what you've heard, we're at the height of our powers Atop the tallest of towers This will never stop us by having to trust That we will do what we must Until it's turning out just like you play The railway self-round is long But our mojo's strong And unless I'm wrong and I'm not We're at the height of our power

Welcome to Barker Innovations, home of the future.

Here, we take your needs and we make them reality.

Why are you doing that with your mouth?

Sorry, I'm the greeter here at Barker Innovations.

I get bored, and we don't have a lot of drop-ins.

But, like, they don't have a speaker set up to play futuristic music.

They make you do it sort of a cappella?

We couldn't figure out how to get the aux cable connected.

But this is a high-tech research facility.

Yes, but not an AV equipment.

Sorry,

is this the scientist dog or snarf?

No, this is just a guy at the front.

Is this a person or an AI?

Are you a person?

Are you a a person or an ai started you started with a disembodied voice which

then and they started talking to the narration yeah then navy interacted with it and i rolled with it oh that was wildly joel osmond is it you know i couldn't get on our budget dad are you kidding me good point yeah don't tell dad we get paid for the show oh right good don't tell dad we'd be at paid don't mention budget Don't tell anything.

Don't blow this for me, Travis.

You got it.

This is not a pro bono gig?

Don't worry about it.

It's pro bono.

We're helping Bono out with this.

It's anti-the edge.

Yeah.

Well, that's going to do it for this week's episode.

Thanks for listening, everybody.

Oh, Celsius up the nose is really bad.

It is, Dad.

Your old blood can't handle the extreme Celsius.

I'm 47 in the morning, my man.

Oh, man.

Celsius.

Dad, millennials, Gen Z,

they shouldn't be drinking it.

I don't think old people should be drinking Celsius.

I agree.

You find yourself at Barker Innovations,

basically the birthplace of every technological advance in River City in the last like 20 years.

They've cornered the market on just about every different technology you can think of.

They hold the patents on hundreds and hundreds of things, but primarily their focus is on abnormal research and assisting abnormal heroes in whatever way they can.

Each of you has collected several practice makes perfect points at this point.

Oh, yeah, maybe.

And due to the successful mission and

everything up to this point, I'm also going to grant you an additional five practice makes perfect points.

Are you sure, man?

That's a lot.

Yeah, just to start off with here, I'm going to give you...

It's not going to be that every time, mind you.

But here, I want to make sure that you have to...

Travis, you don't understand.

I'm about to run wild.

Yeah.

Justin and dad failed a lot.

I failed a lot.

Do you understand?

Part of this is also because I'm looking at dad's practice make perfect thing and he's only marked five boxes and there's no way that's

what it was supposed to be.

I had six and there's no way that I goofed up less than dad.

I have once you with the five you gave me I have 15.

Let's go.

Wow.

Okay.

We're about to okay so I can give myself a couple more?

Five.

Five more.

Specifically.

Specifically.

This isn't just like grab back.

Well, I hadn't gone back and counted all my knowledge.

You should be doing it as you go, Clinton.

Yeah.

I don't know what it is.

When you fail,

which happens, then you click a point.

You get a point for it.

You all go first.

I'm going to go back and look at how many times I failed.

You're going to go back and look?

Oh, he's going to go through the dice roll log and run.

I'm going to go through the dice roll line.

That's fine.

I'll be fine.

I'll be fine.

You all go ahead.

You won't be fine.

I don't know.

History has taught us he won't be fine, but I do think that we should move forward without him and then see what kind of broken down number he drops on our doorstep okay side bet side pot just travis justin travis what he i i think he's gonna come back with i think he's gonna come back with 14 before the five

i think griffin i'm not surprised if he comes back with like purple Well, no, he wouldn't.

What is that?

If dad is trying to catalog all his failures, I'm worried we're getting into some meta like time eons.

Shoot.

Okay.

are you is that you counting down i'm i think dad's gonna end up having failed less than we think okay we'll see i i want to find snarf i want to find snarf and and get the get the lay of the land find out like where the good product is you know excellent let me ring dr snarf for you

hey uh dr snarf there's some people here uh okay waiting room for you Excellent.

I'll come meet them.

So Snarf comes through big circular like, sliding doors that separate.

Excellent!

Welcome to Barker Innovations, the home of the future.

Did you do this part already?

Yeah.

Yeah, we did it.

Is he a hologram or an AI or what's this guy's deal?

No, that's that's Bill.

He works.

So that's...

He just that he does that as part of his.

He gets bored.

Okay.

We don't let him use his phone during work hours.

Would a sign suffice, though, for the kind of thing he does, which is just sort of say you're slow.

You want us to fire Bill?

I want he has six children, and his partner was recently injured and needs to be.

Is Bill a human?

Is Bill a

Bill's a human?

I mean,

that doesn't really change the equation for me much.

I don't know why I asked the clarifying question.

If you'd been like, no, he's a dog, I would have been like, then forget about his family.

Okay, cold.

So we were hoping we could get our hands on some upgrades.

Oh, yes, of course.

Follow me.

Let me show you around.

And he's going to lead you first

into the Hall of Barker History.

This is where we've cataloged some of our greatest creations and everything we've been able to research and learn about abnormals since the Convergence.

Feel free to look around,

play with any of the, you know, we got touch screens for the kids.

Anything you want to know, just feel free to ask.

Yeah, I like to understand your economy a little bit.

The value that we are getting is clear.

Why do you want to pay us or compensate us for our failures?

Field testing.

Sorry, go on.

Sorry, we like to test our equipment.

Of course, here on site,

our innovations innovations and stuff but really when it comes to anything that's action uh anything that's uh defense based anything that's you know attack based really the best testing you can do is out there in the field plus we want to do what's best for river city so we figure it's win-win you get advancements and we get data and the city gets protected so here's what i'm going to suggest wouldn't research points make more sense

i'm sorry i don't know what you're talking about about.

I'm just thinking if you call them research points, that might make it a little bit more clear what the exchange of value is.

Oh no, Justin, he started to realize that he's just a character in a game.

Oh, God, there's blood dripping from his nose now.

Don't do it anymore, Juicy.

That's a skit I wrote.

Oh, okay.

Oh, that got us close.

That's a skit I wrote.

My brain started to feel fuzzy for a moment.

It's called Silly Guy Spins Another One.

Okay, cool.

bother you.

We do a sort of variety show every Friday night.

I love it.

We're in the Lions Club.

We have this guy who we just recruited to the team who comes to it, but

yeah, man, killer.

I'd like to exchange some of my

practice points.

Okay.

I don't think he knows what those are, Juice.

You can give it one.

I'll talk to you, Travis.

If there is a currency, we got to have a name for what these things are.

I got to call them something.

Because I can't go to the counter and say five.

Five.

I think you need to think of Travis as a sort of middleman in this transaction.

You don't take your experience points to the cat and put them in his mouth.

Yeah.

And then you get stronger

fighting.

You're like, this is a good one.

It's a little bit more of a go-between.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Can I trust you?

When you give me the experience points, Justin, I transfer them onto a swipe card that you can then use in the cat's mouth.

Thank you.

That makes sense.

Thank you, Travis.

Yeah, I understand it.

This is much more of a ticket counter kind of deal.

Now, I can see.

Mr.

Sorry, what was your name one more time?

Axel Lyle.

Axel Lyle, you seem like there's something you would like to ask, something we can do for you here.

What would you like?

Well, I've realized that I'm having

I'd like to be able to work with people a little better than I am right now.

I have a lot of expertise, but I'm having trouble communicating that.

And I'd like to get a little bit better about communicating.

So I'd like to improve my abs score.

Oh, excellent.

Here, if you watch this informational video, we have a bit of a training video here that Jeremy the Badger Man put together about his skills as far as dealing with the public and speaking interpersonally with one-on-one.

I could set you up here at this station and put you through some interpersonal training if that's what you'd like.

That sounds thrilling.

Now, don't let the camera leave me.

You promised all of that will be depicted in detail.

Well, it's going to be picture in picture, and it's a headphone experience.

So you're going to sit and you watch a video of a very rock and roll looking badger with like a long beard and a cowboy hat.

Yeah.

And he is going to lay out for you kind of how he works a crowd, some of his like performance skills, ways that he has of like winning people over.

But we all see this in mute as the sound is going into headphones for you.

Sorry, and that's part of that's some scientific thing you developed?

Yes, it's a training program for abnormal heroes that want to learn from abnormal heroes who have been there.

There's really only so much a book or something can teach.

This is sort of a class of the masters, you know?

I kind of figured this was like an Iron Clam scenario.

He's the armored clam with the power armor that lets him shoot beams out and stuff.

Of course, yes.

But it seems like more of a kind of like a self-help kind of seminar.

Sort of a, you know, one of those deals.

Oh, only here in this room.

There's there's many rooms here buck renovations.

Can I roll bug-eyed to see if I see any kind of Scientology, sort of.

I feel that, like, the hairs on the back of my blubbery neck stand up on end.

Yeah, give me, give me a 3DA bug-eye to detect Scientology.

Two successes there.

I'm looking for thetons.

I'm looking for auditors.

I'm looking for L.

Ron Hubbard books or pictures.

So here's what I'll give you.

So, no, there's no abnormal Scientology happening.

You thought about it for a second, didn't you?

Whether you did

it, I wanted, Griffin, I wanted to answer you honestly.

I didn't want to jump.

I didn't want to assume there wasn't Scientology.

We're building this world together.

Yeah, okay.

But the vibe you get is very much like when you were at the Carvery,

right?

And Carver was like, this is how I see

abnormal training and the way abnormals are supposed to

get better at this thing.

You're seeing like another facet of that from a completely different thing, right?

Where this is like,

it's not about training through like this kind of visceral, like boot camp kind of deal, but rather technological.

We can train,

you know, by study, by

that kind of thing.

So it's not just like a workshop.

Well, I guess it is a

workshop in both definitions of the term.

Yes, correct.

Okay, fantastic.

Now, Navy?

Navy, was it?

Yeah, that's me.

Is there anything you are...

Sorry, I don't mean to pry, so feel free.

Are you otherworldly or have you mutated from a human being?

Are you...

I would like to think of it more of an evolution than a

seal.

Excellent.

Excellent.

How are you?

It feels more natural that way, you know?

Yes, I understand.

I, too, am an evolved kitty cat.

Alright.

Well,

so this is sort of my whole deal.

And I take off the splash pack and sort of set it down on a nearby table.

My sister, Teal Seal, made it for me.

She's sort of the tech one.

Oh, excellent.

But it's just kind of got the two packs on it and the two nozzles.

And I was hoping to add like more packs and nozzles and thrusters and

that kind of stuff.

I hand him a piece of paper where I've crudely sketched out.

It looks like the splash pack, but with like

50 more rockets coming off of it.

It looks like a mecha backpack situation.

So Griffin,

what are you hoping is like the new skill, the new thing?

Yes.

What is actually improving what I would like to boost here is

I have 11 practice

perfect points.

I would love to improve my signature item, bumping it up from a 3d8 score to a 4d8 score.

And then I would also love to increase one of my skills for six points and boost hydro propulsion, which would which is the skill I use to kind of blast myself off in different directions, which would bring that now to a 5d8, I believe.

Okay, great.

So by improving your splashback, right, we're increasing the pressure and the capacity, right?

So, it also improves your hydro propulsion, is that what we're saying here.

Okay, great.

Excellent.

Well,

it looks like, let's see.

So, Axe Lyle here is working on this.

Why don't you two come with me into the next room and we can make some improvements on your splashback?

And he taps you on the shoulder, Lyle.

Lyle?

Yeah, ma'am.

Whenever you're done, join us in the next room.

I'll be sure to take that under advisement.

Oh,

really good already.

Excellent.

Okay, cool.

You move into the next room and you find like a full-blown workshop, much more of like kind of the tinkering and tools and layouts that you expect.

And Dr.

Snarf says, okay, give me a minute to work here on your pack.

You two feel free to look around.

Anything you want to do, go for it can you just give me an idea of how many thrusters and nozzles you're thinking about sort of slapping in there how many were you thinking about why don't you say the number first because I'm worried my number is gonna be like silly and not maybe same time okay okay one two two three sixty three six oh

Oh, see, I heard you say the six at the beginning, and I was like, oh, yeah, we're right on it to keep going.

Yeah, you said like T4 after that, and I was like, oh, my.

We can start with six, I guess, and then see if there's room for a few dozen more.

Okay, yes, yes, yes.

He starts working.

Is there anything you would like to look around?

Do you want to explore or just stand over his shoulder and watch him work?

I mean, I already did a check for Scientology, and everything sort of seemed to come out clear there.

Oh, did it.

Interesting.

I gotten three successes there.

I don't know.

I'm curious to hear if dad has completed.

Yeah, what about you, Roger?

Because I can't think of anything else.

I've gone over it twice.

There's no way I have had 14 failed roles.

Is there?

Is this being real right now?

I'm being real.

Why didn't I get money on that freaking bet, guys?

Why is Roger not dead?

Well, I think Roger tries to do a lot of stuff.

He tries to do a lot of stuff.

I think you're good at looking at the game, looking at this world through the lens of the game.

And that's why you have the most points.

You're winning abnormals at the moment.

All right.

Jamie Christmas.

Okay.

14 is

what I've come up with.

Twice.

All right.

What would you like to work on?

Well, and he adds five to that, right?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, boy.

Yeah.

They call him the mess up man.

He walks between realities.

The legend is infinite.

He's the legend of mess up man.

His danger is infinite.

His power is unending.

He just keeps messing up so many times all the time.

And now his power, should he ever stop messing up, it would mean all reality is torn asunder.

God, but God has to help us if he ever fails downwards.

God weeps in the face of mess up man.

I'm going to add, can I add a Mondo move?

The game bins around him.

This Mondo move is effortlessly graphed

on his mind.

It immediately poops his pants, becoming even more powerful.

We are going to enter the training room in just a moment.

Right now, is there any equipment upgrades?

Now, listen, you also have the ability to increase your armor, anything like that.

And that was on our offer.

So

okay.

Dad doesn't need armor.

He went back in time and uninvented guns.

That's how powerful the mess up is.

But on accident, he went back in time, he stepped on a lizard and guns stopped existing.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'd like to, well, for one thing, I'd like to improve my armor.

Would that be defense upgrade?

That would be a defense upgrade.

I would like a Kevlar Tuxedo.

Oh, that's good.

Oh, nice.

Oh, while I work on this, then, Roger, why don't you go ahead and step into that machine there?

That right there is a 4D printer.

Oh,

so I will be able to go back in time.

Well, the fourth D is for dude.

I didn't name it.

I don't think the first three Ds stand for

difference.

Fortunately.

Diligence.

Dignity.

Diversity, dude.

Diversity, and dude.

Do you step into the machine?

I, yes, but let's watch the in-seam measuring, all right?

Gross!

You step into...

You step into the machine,

and basically it's kind of in the shape, the rough shape of a person standing, you know, with the arms slightly out to the side and the feet slightly out.

Like a TSA scanner, yeah, yeah, yeah, that kind of idea.

Um, and you hear scanning,

scanning, choose style.

Um,

let's see, I would like wide lapels,

excellent.

Uh, I'd like uh

a really

nice

uh bow tie, the kind you can tie with hooves

do you want

clip-on tie or

tie

clip-on clip-on would be good.

Yeah, I thought so

and um I think

oh a black tux standard black tux

uh French cuffs

Do you want your lapels to be matte or shiny?

Shiny.

Excellent.

No, no, no, no.

No.

What?

Matte.

Must be matte.

Must be.

That's too late.

Exercise.

Do you want single breast or double breast?

Double.

Double.

And what would you like the lining to be designed as?

Um, Kevlar.

No, I I meant like the pattern of the line.

It will be Kevlar.

We got that.

Actually, I'd like it to be reversible so if the lining could be white

with white lapel

brilliant

do the pants reverse too do the pants reverse I'm not gonna glass do the pants reverse too you don't wear white pants with a white jacket Griffin

we're not in Monaco

processing and you see the scanners go up and down and then there is what at first appears to be like a swirl of dust around you.

But as it coalesces, you realize that these are like nanobots, right?

That begin the process of stitching this jacket directly onto you as it forms,

ensuring a perfect fit.

It's not stabbing, yeah?

It's just 3D printing with nano.

And you are now the proud owner of a reversible Kevlar-lined Tuxedo, which is going to give you one point of damage reduction within your armor.

So I'm going to add that for you.

Awesome.

Thank you so much for using the 4D printer.

Be sure to tell your friends.

Boop.

And the scanner shut off.

Hey, why does it say that last part?

He didn't clear the chamber.

We wanted to make it clear it was done.

I have a question.

Yes.

Why did it cost so many of my points?

Because...

Oh, it's 10 to upgrade your armor.

Oh, gotcha.

Gotcha.

Gotcha.

Okay.

So, the armor, Trav, does that mean every time he takes damage, he takes one less damage?

Correct.

Wow.

Okay.

Dang.

That's good.

That's why it's 10.

Yeah, I guess so.

Gotcha.

Juice, did you have other points you were gonna spend

uh i have five left is there a

i mean i you could improve your signature item

yeah

yeah i guess that could be

that could be fun um i didn't know if there's any point in like sitting on them and saving them oh yeah i mean absolutely if you want to save them up and on the next like downtime session uh spin them that way you can do that as well yeah i do you know what though i would like a little more i didn't really feel like i had enough juice to get it done last time so i'm gonna take the i'm gonna sharpen uh

i'm no i'm going to improve hatchet man by drilling holes into the the handle to make it uh a little more ergonomic okay you walk in uh having finished your your uh master class excuse me your class of masters with jeremy the badger man how do i how'd it go axelile

well it's interesting that you asked that.

I got chills just then.

Well, friend, that's yeah.

Okay.

What do you think?

Hmm.

Yeah, it's great.

We needed a face guy.

Since Roger's usually the sneaky guy, it's tough for the sneaky guy to be the face guy.

It seems like.

So from now on, I'll be the one who's

listening.

Hmm.

Wow.

Interesting.

Just a little feedback that thing feels pretty condescending.

Well, I guess you and I are on the same page.

Huh.

I guess there's not such a difference between us, after all.

I turned to Snarf.

Does this level out eventually?

Does it kind of

process of like over-correction in the beginning?

Yes.

Good.

Yeah, no, it's genuinely pretty troubling.

Ask him about his favorite kind of wine.

That's always funny right away.

What's your favorite wine, man?

Oh,

huh.

The noble grape.

Hmm.

The noble grape?

I'm more interested in what you're thinking about the noble grape.

Maybe he shouldn't operate any kind of power tools right now.

Yeah, yeah, his eyes might be dilated as well.

I can't help but operate my most powerful tool.

It pumps the blood through my body.

Huh.

Yeah, that's a real power tool, isn't it?

If he's about to upgrade his heart, I don't power tools that I'm so deeply into.

Look at these two power tools here.

I'm pointing at their ears because I don't have ears.

My ears?

I don't think I have ears either.

Does anybody have ears?

Roger definitely has ears.

I've seen it.

Are you a seal?

You're a seal?

I believe the difference between seal and sea line is which one of them has ears.

Let me see.

Do Ross seals have?

Yes, seals have ears, but they lack external ear flaps.

Okay.

So I don't think he would know where to point.

Wait, hold on.

Does that mean our ears are just the external ear flaps?

Yeah, man.

So the holes are the ears?

Yeah, man.

We don't really keep any important stuff in the flaps.

Most of the goodies are in there.

Hair.

There's hair in Mars.

There's hair.

Yeah, I guess that's good.

Yeah.

Okay.

So you walk in, Lyle, and you just start, you grab a drill press and you just start putting some holes in

the handle of your axe.

Hey, what are you doing?

While he's doing this, I think like a dozen times he reaches for Hatchet Man and then realizes that he is working on Hatchet Man.

So it takes longer than it should because he was trying to get Hatchet Man to help with some part and he just doesn't.

It's like an extension of his body.

This is great because now, if you get like a mega cow bunga, you can make the attack or whatever and then play it like a flute.

Yeah, yeah, that's true.

I think he should be able to do that whenever he wants.

Well, not whenever he wants.

If he has a mouthful of food or whatever, I don't want to see it.

Yeah, that's fair.

Just a good point.

Really good point, actually.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Excellent.

So at this point, the blaster pack has been finished.

Okay, great.

Was Snarf himself working on this?

Yes.

Now you finished

your blaster pack upgrade here.

Try it on.

Here, let me set up a target for you.

What's your usual range?

Well, on the old splash pack, it had to be fairly close, like about 50 feet or so.

Okay, great.

He sets the target up 75 feet away.

Now, you're not going to get maximum pressure at this distance, but you do get increased distance, so why don't you give her a try?

Cool.

I'll roll 48.

One success.

Let me work on that some more.

Hold on.

I'm telling you, man, more nozzles.

64, 32 on each side.

I think, what if it like popped out of the sides like wings, but they were in reverse, and then each one had sort of 32

individual nozzles that would.

Okay, I'm going to work on a design to see if I can incorporate that many nozzles.

Let me work on that for a while, and when you're ready, you come back, okay?

Okay.

Oh!

yo, come, come, come, come, over here.

This is very, have you ever seen the element in person?

This is the element that came crashing to Earth during the Convergence, which drew the attention of all the otherworldly abnormals and brought them here.

It is what is used to also recreate the sustenance from that from that abnormal's homeworld.

Okay.

Have you seen?

Have you seen the element?

No.

It's so beautiful.

Yes, isn't it?

It's impossible to describe how beautiful it is.

How convenient.

It's like a crystal, but also an orb.

Yes, and it kind of gooshes around when you.

Yes, in the corner of your eye.

Also, I see a face.

Yes.

And it's not my own face, but it is.

I see a dragon made of

clouds.

It often manifests as different things with different people.

What's it look like to you, Doctor?

To me?

Oh, like a juicy ball of yarn.

Wow.

So maybe it's the thing you love most in the world.

Maybe.

It's like a orb crystal that's also a diamond.

And maybe your face?

I guess so.

Wow, what's that?

Interesting.

I'm going to write that down somewhere.

I'm not going to be more powerful near the

crystal orb diamond harbor.

Well, as an evolved animal the element is beautiful

It's definitely like of interest and everything, but it's not fueling my power It's not what

I got you no, you know

because you would have learned this as an evolved animal

it is necessary for you to continuously access like whether it's drinking water or swimming or whatever the waters surrounding River City have been imbued with like a mixture of chemicals from a spill.

I got you.

Yeah, 20 years ago.

The splash pack also has a tube that feeds back into my body.

Oh, like a flashlight.

So I can just kind of juice.

Well, or a camelbeck.

I guess it's not your urine.

The camelbeck just ripped off the Fremens.

What the heck?

But it did improve it because they were like, you can just put new water in here.

You don't have to pee into the camelbeck.

It is a tube.

Don't worry about it.

It is like a small tube that I have taped to the side of my face that kind of goes in my mouth if I turn my head to the side.

I love that.

It's very good.

But it is important to note that without like re-upping the supply of water, it does lose its effectiveness.

The half-life of the water.

Quit trying to give me weaknesses.

It's not weaknesses because as long as you're in River City, you have access to it and it's not a concern.

Yeah, until the dry man comes and you're like, this is my new bad guy, the dry man.

He puts you in a prison that dehumidifies you.

And now all your powers are gone.

What might be planned for the future might not be is not important.

Just stop recording so Travis can get his notebook.

Yeah?

About

Man.

Um, listen, Griffin and I, as is often demonstrated on my brother, my brother, me, may or may not already be on the same wavelength.

Don't worry about it.

Don't worry about it, don't freak out.

I hear one of of my cats upstairs crying.

You know what they're, you know, what they're upset about.

Just like the state of things and whatever.

No, they're only ever wanting one thing, and that's for me to get the smalls out.

Dad, we don't know how to.

Yeah, they love the smooth bird.

Dad, we want our smooth bird.

We don't have jobs.

We can't buy our own food.

We don't know how to order things.

Dad, we're so scared.

We're cats and we've gained complete human intelligence.

What's happening?

Where are we?

Yeah.

Where are we?

But you know what?

I calm them right down with smalls because you're going to get a package of smalls, right?

You're going to open it up.

You're going to put it in front of your cats there, put it into a bowl, whatever you're going to, I don't know, your business.

But when you put it out there, these cats are going to freak out.

And you're also going to see some long-lasting effects.

In my experience, at least, my cats have been a little healthier.

They've had a nice, nice-looking coat, and they just love, they love smalls.

They love it.

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for a limited time only because you are i was really proud of that justin i was really proud

sorry trav that was great Thank you.

For a limited time only, because you're an adventure zone listener, you can get 60% off your first smalls order plus free shipping when you head to smalls.com slash adventure.

That's 60% off when you head to smalls.com smalls.com slash adventure plus free shipping.

Again, that's smalls.com slash adventure.

Hey, this week we're coming to...

Sorry to interrupt.

I just kind of burst in.

Okay.

Yeah.

Sorry.

Hey, I'm also sorry.

I'm also sorry.

And I'm here and I'm interrupting too.

If you're coming to

our shows this week in San Antonio and Austin, thank you.

If you're not already planning on coming, why not?

We want to see you there.

We need you there.

Join the show.

What are you doing?

That's so great.

Yeah.

If you're coming to the show and you want to have a question, you

got a question you want answered, you want a fear read aloud?

We got you.

Email that to mbmbam at maximumfund.org and put your city in the subject line in Austin.

And also doing what, Trap?

What are we doing in Austin, buddy?

Well, we're doing Adventure Zone versus Hercules, and it's going to be a real treat.

You're going to feel happier than you've ever felt in your entire life.

Yeah, we're also coming to Utah and California later this year.

Tickets for all those shows are on sale now.

More info and ticket links are available at bit.ly forward slash McElroy Tours.

Oh, we also have new merch because it's a new month.

Yeah, we have a new month, new merch, new you.

Well, yeah, sort of.

We've got a brand new Gerald t-shirt over there designed by Lynn Doyle.

Go to mackeroymerch.com and check it out.

And 10% of all merch proceeds this month will be donated to Equality Florida, which is dedicated to securing full equality for Florida's LGBTQ community.

So go to macroymerch.com to get yours now.

You know, we've been doing my brother, my brother, me for 15 years.

And

maybe you stopped listening for a while.

Maybe you never listened.

And you're probably assuming three white guys talking for 15 years, I know where this has ended up.

But no, no, you would be wrong.

We're as shocked as you are that we have not fallen into some sort of horrific scandal or just turned into a big crypto thing.

Yeah, you don't even really know how crypto works.

The only NFTs I'm into are naughty, funny things, which is what we talk about on My Brother, My Brother, and Me.

We serve it up every Monday for you if you're listening.

And if not, we just leave it out back and goes rotten.

So check it out on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts.

All right, we're over 70 episodes into our show.

Let's learn everything.

So let's do a quick progress check.

Have we learned about quantum physics?

Yes, episode 59.

We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we?

Yes, we have.

Same episode, actually.

Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?

Episode 64.

So how close are we to learning everything?

Bad news.

We still haven't learned everything yet.

Oh, we're ruined.

No, no, no.

It's good news as well.

There is still a lot to learn.

Woo!

I'm Dr.

Ella Hubber.

I'm regular Tom Lum.

I'm Caroline Roper, and on Let's Learn Everything, we learn about science and a bit of everything else too.

And although we haven't learned everything yet, I've got a pretty good feeling about this next episode.

Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun.

All right, we'll move into

our high-tech training facility here.

Excellent.

Give me just one moment to set everything up.

So just step into the machine here.

And we can begin.

This is just for Roger, don't worry.

Very well.

Yeah, so when you step into the training room, what you see is

sort of a spider-like, maybe octopus-like, multi-armed machine hanging from the ceiling.

And it looks like it's like part scanner, part

uh, it's hard to say exactly what the other part is.

Part something.

This is the season we're trying to make kids appropriate.

So, in the tenderest way I can possibly put this, it looks like the robot has eight genitals.

Listen, what the robot does or does not have is the feminine is God.

Okay,

I guess we don't have to get any more into it than that.

I think that this is still, I think they could say genitals on like ABC family.

So we're probably

very scientific and medical.

So it's but I want the three of you to kind of not other me right now, to accept like acknowledge the fact that this robot is hastily, yeah, it's scientifically

So, Roger climbs on in.

Does this have to be programmed in any way?

Yes, describe to me the kind of thing you want to be able to do, and we're going to do some rapid training, baby.

Okay.

I think I would like this to be an animal move.

Because right now I only have one animal move that's active and I would like it to be the I think this would help a lot in our efforts the flamingo flamenco.

If there is a light source shining on Roger, you know,

he does a stomping, clapping, solo dance on one leg that

nobody, adversaries, can ignore.

So all attention will be drawn to him.

It's like irresistible.

It holds all attention.

for 10 seconds.

Oh, okay.

Of adversaries.

Okay, excellent.

The machine begins whirring up.

Can it play Malagania, which is a great flamenco song?

Of course it can, Don.

As long as we don't actually play it because of rights issues.

Would you two like to help me out here?

Us?

Yeah.

I don't want to.

So you don't have to touch the genital things.

Yeah.

They're not really genital things.

I can't stress this enough.

That's a robot.

Okay.

Lyle, Navy, grab those controllers there, um, and we're gonna put them to the test.

Let's see how this goes.

Um,

and a bright light shines on you, and basically, uh, you feel the machine, like the uh arms and everything come down.

Eight of the arms uh kind of latch onto like your wrists and ankles, and they start to move you around, training your body in rapid succession.

As the other arms, controlled by Lyle and Navy, are going to

attempt to attack you while you do this dance.

Oh, cool.

All right.

Another chance to fail.

I look at Axel Isle with a kind of grimace.

Okay, make it realistic and challenging, boys.

Go.

It's a weird vibe.

So

each of you roll 2d8, and you, dad, are going to roll 5d8.

Can I contest myself on this roll?

Well, I guess I want the training to be good.

This is training.

You got to have good training, Emeraphone.

I got one success.

I hold myself in contempt.

Hey, this two failures i got so one one success between the two of us okay

um 5v8 here we go

oh my god he rolled the double eights trap that's a mega cow bunga you dance so beautifully you gotta stop with the folly though mac

Everyone's folly sucks.

Yeah, are you clapping?

What is that?

It sounds like you're slapping some beef together.

Are you never slapping some beef together?

Exactly.

Just two big beefy men.

Slapping me.

By the end, Dr.

Snarf is crying watching this beautiful thing.

He said, it's the greatest flamingo I've ever seen.

Even better than Agent Mingo, who is a flamingo.

I know what I said about your robot, but it has created something truly beautiful today.

That was glorious.

I thank you, all of you.

Lyle, do you have any complimentary remarks to make?

Hey, listen.

I think that was something we all needed to see a little bit, you know?

But not a lot.

Gotcha.

Well, it's meant to distract our adversaries.

It's not meant to distract you guys.

That's true.

I found it very diverting.

That's got to be a good idea.

I certainly couldn't look at anything else.

I wanted desperately to look away.

I couldn't quite get there.

Well, now you've seen it, so you'll probably be being immune to it from now on.

Oh, it's just a one-time view.

All right.

Um, well, excellent work.

Listen, my work here is done.

I've got to go design a splash pack with at least 58 more nozzles.

Um, it will be my greatest scientific challenge.

But before you leave, oh, uh, uh, Roger, make sure uh to stop by Dr.

Barker's office.

He adds some uh your week supply of Musli X.

Oh, therefore, you make sure you boys stop by there on the way out.

Um, and I'm I'll be here if you ever want to come by.

And you know, we can work on innovations and stuff or just hang out.

You guys like chess?

Um,

no,

Roger,

Lyle, you guys like chess?

I'm more of a go guy.

Okay.

I might book around back at the museum, if that's alright.

Sure.

Lyle,

do you play for one point?

Um,

let's see, I could give you this lollipop.

Does it have magic power?

No, but it's two flavors.

I'll hang on to my point.

Okay.

I've dabbled.

Oh, Excellent.

I've been meaning to learn how to play.

So if you want to teach me chess, I'd love it.

Where to begin?

We traveled to ancient Persia, where the game was originally called Shamat, which means I fall.

It has to cut away.

Yeah, it cuts away.

Yeah, it cuts away.

Navy, you've gone back to the...

That was both just an impressive and the most boring five seconds of my entire life.

Yeah.

We're back in the the little history of abnormals slash interpersonal training room there.

What are you looking for?

Is there anything in here from

the Royal Seals?

Is there anything in here?

I have to imagine we were a fairly tech technologically advanced,

sort of older established team.

I didn't know if they would have anything here at Barker Innovations.

Are you looking for like a history of them or like documentation of their inventory and advancing?

Artifacts, yeah, like you know items on display.

Oh, excellent.

Okay, yeah.

Yeah, you don't got a roll for this.

There's like a you see on the wall

a kind of like prototype weapons and defensive stuff there.

Um, and you can see

what would have been the first kind of iteration of Golden Seal's signature trident.

This was just like your basic, lots of aerodynamic, or I guess hydrodynamic.

Sure.

That would allow it to cut through water easier.

As well, as you can see, there's kind of a guard across like where his hands would go to protect his knuckles.

But there wasn't a lot of other innovations to it at that point, besides just basic, like design.

Okay.

And of course, you can see the Royal Seal Royal Seal decorating that and like a little blurb about when Golden Seal first made, you know, first came to land and partnered with Barker Innovations to produce this Trident.

Cool.

I just, can I knock it over?

Oh, absolutely.

Yeah, it's standing in a like kind of acrylic, you know, fairly thick, like security glass, but it's just a like

not a lot of base to it.

So if you want to give it,

you know, give it a push.

Yeah, give a 3d8 because you're a bulky boy and you're kind of leaning your weight against it.

Yeah, it's two success,

yeah.

It knocks over, it doesn't like smash or anything.

You see the trident like come loose, and the thing just kind of bounce around, maybe get a little scuffed up.

All right, cool.

Uh, I look around really quick and then realize that was probably stupid, and I want to just take off.

Great, yeah, you head back and join up with the others.

Are you guys heading?

I was in the bathroom, I was in the bathroom.

Bathrooms must be wild in this world, huh?

Gotta accommodate a lot of different types of.

stuff.

Yeah, it's a good place to meet people with real wide variety of intentions.

Yeah, man.

It's always a little bit of a

dance, you know, walking around like, I'm headed this way, but are you headed oh, okay, that's whoa, all right.

Oh, I had no idea.

It's so wild how every every bathroom has to have a pasture in it.

Yeah.

And special equipment for Chloe's.

Yeah.

So anyway, that's where I was.

Are you going to head to Dr.

Barker's office to grab some UCX?

Yes, please.

The three of you make your way to Dr.

Barker's office.

As you approach,

You can hear raised voices coming from within the office.

You can't quite make it out.

You know, you're all standing about, you know, three or four feet away from the closed door, but you can hear, it's definitely angry voices.

We're not inside the room yet, though?

Not yet.

You're approaching the office.

Hey, Roger, you have external ear flaps.

Do you want to?

Yes, let me

try to listen in.

Yeah, I kind of lean in, put my ear flap against what?

The wall, the door?

Is the door closed.

Yes, the door is closed, but it's frosted glass, so that's probably your best option.

Okay, I'm going to place my ear flap against it.

You can just say ear.

We don't have to get to in the woods, in the weeds, in the woods, in the woody weeds about this.

Okay.

And I'm going to do a listen check.

Okay, yeah.

Give me 2d8.

Oh, my God.

One and a one.

Wow.

Wow.

That's a turbo boner, right?

Do we have a term for what that just

strikes again?

How many practice points do I get for them?

You won't see Mr.

Messup complain,

but he'll sleep right into your dreams.

He'll make a mess of everything.

He'll poop

fast.

And then he'll get 20 points.

All you're able to hear, Roger, is you hear what you're pretty sure is Dr.

Barker's voice say something like, so you're the one who took it.

I knew that it,

what were you thinking?

And then the door falls open

as you're leaning against it.

And there in his office, you can see Dr.

Barker, and it appears that he has been arguing with who you're pretty sure is Carver.

He's got like a trench coat on and his hat pulled down low and all that stuff, but you're like 99% with his back to you.

He's like, oh, it's not me.

It's Carver.

He's been yelling at Carver.

Oh,

this is Barker.

Oh, sorry.

Yes.

Don't worry about it if there's just an old friend stopping by.

Oh, you're Muesley.

Yes, of course.

Here you go.

And he hands you like a large mason jar full of Muesli X.

I lick lick a finger st- oh, I don't have fingers

like a hoof

no your your hands are fingers.

Let's not overcomplicate your life yet, and I swun it around.

Do you house it right there?

Not all of it, just a little taste.

I was feeling a little bit lightheaded.

Um,

was there, was there any, was there anything else that you needed?

Um

do you have any like

good cereal

like cinnamon toast crunch or

yes, and you want to charm if you want to go to the the break room we have uh mini cereal dispensers there to choose from um do they give me power

no I mean sugar you might get a bit of a sugar rush and

hey do you have any of those fruit gummies that when you eat it your head turns giant into the shape of the fruit we haven't been able to perfect that yet.

The closest we've gotten is some of the animals' heads have exploded.

Oh, okay.

If you wouldn't mind excusing us, me and my old friend here just have some more things to discuss.

Is Carver eyeballing us at all?

No, he is trying to hide his eye.

He's like pulling his hat down low,

trying to hide himself from you guys.

Pardon us for intruding but

it seems like there may be

something going on here that perhaps we could aid you is there a

problem uh

give me um

look

every roll is an opportunity for me yeah that's beautiful don um give me a 2d8 roll um to see if this is gonna win them over.

Wow.

Seven and five.

Two successes.

Okay.

Okay.

You three, come in, close the door.

I do.

Well, I picked the door up off the ground.

He didn't fall over and knock it.

It just, like, opened.

Oh, okay.

Oh, okay.

I lean against the door jamb after I enter with the easy charm.

Listen, before anything else, let me just say, Lyle,

there's something very cool about you today.

I think there's something cool about you taking the time.

Oh my goodness.

Okay.

The mm-hmm, the hmm thing is a little much.

But

it leaves me wanting to win you over.

I guess that's the secret, huh?

Oh, so mysterious.

So hard to read.

Now listen, I was just discussing with Carver here.

Yes.

I know.

Surprise.

It's Carver.

Yeah, hi guys.

It's the yeah, it's me.

Sorry about the

I know I was

sorry for the shock.

Wow.

I'm sorry.

Yes.

Fan crazy to meet Carver.

You already told me.

I was telling Carver.

Okay.

I was discussing with Carver his recklessness,

not just in revealing himself to you three, but also in

his

heist, his robbery of the museum.

So it was just some angry words exchanged between friends.

You don't need to worry.

Beyond that, I...

I didn't catch your first name.

It wouldn't happen to be Judy, would it?

Because I am hearing a lot of judging coming from that end of the room.

You know, we really can't sort of make those sorts of sweeping judgments on folks's actions, especially when we weren't in their shoes.

All part of his easy job.

Also, there was also a heist happening before he showed up.

So if anything, he kind of just piggybacked onto a pre-existing heist.

Right.

It's sort of an assist.

An assisted heist.

And a bet.

Just a tiny bet.

Just a little bit is all.

A little bet.

And some aiding.

Well,

a betty boop.

Double jeopardy.

A betty boop.

Just a beddy boop of a serious crime.

Just a quick beddy betty boop.

In which he put revealing his identity.

And

who knows what we'd all do to do that a little bit more, couldn't we, though?

Taking away some of those masks.

I don't quite follow.

Well, I wouldn't hope you to follow.

I would hope you to lead.

Give me.

With your absence.

You're ducking a duck.

You're not going to get in anything.

You will be killed by someone in this building before you leave it.

Just for talking to me.

Give me a 3d8 roll for an abs check for

reading.

Oh my God.

Three successes.

With three successes,

when you talk about revealing yourself and not just following or being a leader, he gets...

You would say like worried,

maybe like backs off a little, tenses up a little bit and says, Oh,

I yes, you've made quite a few points.

If you would excuse the side,

I'm late for another appointment.

If you would please excuse me, and he rushes out of the room.

That was

that is when Lyle,

your phone pings, and you've received a text message from Sergeant Salamander, leader of the Amphiba Force.

Wow, guys, I've just received some sort of message here from the Amphiba Force.

Oh, well, what's this?

Let me read it.

Yeah, do that out loud.

Aloud.

It reads itself.

It reads.

First.

Axelisle, I know it's been a while since we contacted you,

but we need you now more than ever.

We need you to come to the Amphiba Fortress ASAP.

And listen, we've heard through the grapevine that you've been traveling with some new associates.

Feel free to bring them with you if you feel like it.

Can't wait to see you.

Reminder, this one is an emergency.

Huh.

Well.

You kind of mumbled through most of the.

Oh, sorry, I wanted to read it to myself.

Let me read it again for you guys in sort of a more stately fashion.

I didn't know if there'd be any sensitive data in there, and I do do want to try to protect the amphibaforce if they had some sort of trade secrets that was just intended for me.

I didn't happen to notice

any special mention to me or any sort of thing to reveal that they knew who I was.

But there does seem to be an emergency.

And if you guys are interested in seeing my side of the pond, I think we'd love to have you out there.

Well, I'm pretty sure I'm saltwater marine life, but...

Oh, that's okay.

I have a lotion for that.

Great.

Then there's no reason for me to say no to this.

I can be quite buoyant with all the methane gas, so I'm with you.

To the Amphiba Fortress.

Hey kids, LaserWeber here from the Arachnet Alliance.

I'm here to remind you that when you're operating your J987 laser wave inverter, you gotta avoid overheating by shifting the L-switch into position 7 and adjusting your energy input-output ratio using the included supplementary diagnostics tool.

Just be sure to connect your controller using a Cat5 cable with the appropriate RJ5 connector.

You can also refer to page 197 of the user's manual for more information.

Lasers are fun, but safety always comes first.

Stay cool and keep it tubular.

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