TDS Time Machine | Illegal Immigration

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You're listening to Comedy Central Turning to our top story The debate over a new immigration law Has caused a rift between moderate Republicans Who want to reform immigration Without alienating Hispanic voters And conservatives who would prefer To turn immigrants into some sort of food stuff For people on Medicare. Soylent Verde, if you will.
I see you've all taken Spanish. Nicely done.
Now, at the heart of this debate is a bill approved by the Senate Judiciary Committee that would let illegal aliens take steps towards citizenship. those steps towards citizenship? Learn English, pay taxes, and start resenting future immigrants.
But critics say granting citizenship to illegal aliens amounts to amnesty for lawbreakers. Senator John McCain disagrees.
This bill that came out of the Judiciary Committee effectively does grant amnesty to millions of immigrants who are now here illegally. Well, Charlie, that's just absolutely false.
It allows them to earn citizenship. Well, I'm not, I, at my peril, get into an argument with the guy who has fashioned this bill over the definition of amnesty, but I said a moment ago, if they fulfill certain conditions, which you outlined, but if an illegal immigrant...
That's not amnesty. Then it's not amnesty.
Amnesty is forgiveness. This is payment of a fine.
Hmm. Replied Gibson, I see.
Well, I certainly don't want to, clearly you have a homo says amnesty? And why would Charlie Gibson do that?

Seems childish. The bill faces a competing proposal from Senator Bill Frist, seen here explaining to Southeast Asian children how tears transmit AIDS.
He favors deportation for any illegals, and he explained his position on the Fox News show Hannity and his huddling sidekick yearning to breathe free.

He said to Sean just a moment ago, they're here illegally.

They should go back and get in line to come back in.

But wouldn't that create an underground?

And you can't just deport 11 million people.

That's just not a workable policy, is it?

Yeah, well, I think it is workable.

It's absolutely workable.

I mean, just think about Elian Gonzalez. How easy that was.
Now, just times that by 11 million. One of the most outspoken advocates for stronger immigration reform isn't a politician at all, but CNN's Lou Dobbs, whose guest Monday night, Hispanic rights activist Janet Mergia, defended protesters that were out there waving Mexican flags.
There's a sense of pride with anybody. We just had St.
Patrick's Day. Are you saying that Irish, because they're holding up their Irish flags, that all of a sudden they're not loyal or they're un-American? You ready to listen to me loud and clear? I'm here.
I don't think that we should have any flag flying in this country except the flag of the United States. I don't think there should be a St.
Patrick's Day. I don't care who you are.
With more, I'm joined by our resident expert, John Hodgman. John, thank you so much for joining us.
You are, and I don't need to tell you, you're a leading authority on immigration. Yes, that's true.
In fact, the heartwarming tale of my own immigrant past, titled My Grandparents Were Slav or Something, comes out next Friday. Thanks for the play.
You're very welcome, John. John, why did this bill, once again, not even able to come up for a vote? Was the so-called amnesty issue just too toxic for the Republican base? No, John, there was a larger concern here, one that my fellow television experts have picked up on.
Chuck? Some illegal immigrants are bringing diseases back into the U.S. that we thought were wiped

out long ago.

A lot of diseases are coming back, and it's because these 12 million illegals who come

across the border...

Now, Professor Gibson and Dr. Buchanan have it exactly right.

The immigration debate was at heart a public health issue.

I'll be blunt, John. Illegal aliens have tuberculosis and lepr exactly right.
The immigration debate was at heart a public health issue. I'll be blunt, John.

Illegal aliens have tuberculosis and leprosy.

John, we're not...

You can't...

You can't possibly be talking about tuberculosis and leprosy.

Chuck?

Hey, John, yeah, we're talking about tuberculosis and leprosy. Chuck? Hey, John, yeah, we're talking about tuberculosis and leprosy.

You heard what a person on television just said, John.

Leprosy in this country.

Incredible?

Leprosy in this country. Incredible? Leprosy in this country.
Incredible. Alas, those words are as true now as they were when I said them just before Lou Dobbs did.
Leprosy, John. Yes, its effects are already being felt.
Look at this chart, John. As you can see, in the last seven years, the average number of fingers per American hand has dropped off, while the number of fingers that have dropped off has risen dramatically.
If this trend continues by 2015, well, you can see what might happen. And that's because of illegal aliens.
John, the chart is fundamentally wrong. Well, John, you're right.
It might not be hooves that Americans have in the future. It could be talons or claws of some kind.
Data's still coming in, but the conclusion is inescapable. All Mexicans are lepers.
John, I cannot, in good conscience, allow this to go unchallenged. I'm sorry.
That's good. I love a good debate.
Put up your hooves. The soundbite that you played from Lou Donnelly.
Yes. Good fellow.
Ten fingers. John, he reported there were 7,000 cases of leprosy in America in the last three years, supposedly because of illegal aliens.
That turned out to be wrong. Look at this.
We checked that and found a report issued by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services saying 7,000 is the number of leprosy cases over the last 30 years, not the past three.
And nobody knows how many of those cases involve illegal immigrants. Ah, that's 60 minutes.
How do you answer to that? Ah, that's just typical limousine leper propaganda. No, John, I feel like bringing these diseases out is just a scare tactic.
You're right, John. It is very scary, but it doesn't stop at disease.
There are at least 30,000 illegal immigrants who belong to gangs, which are violent, which are drug dealing. Some are looking for trouble, trying to smuggle guns and drugs into our country, and God knows what else.
Many of them are child molesters, they're drunk drivers, they're rapists, they're robbers. My colleagues, Nobel laureate Gingrich, Princeton's Albert Einstein professor of quantum physics Beck, and Dr.
Buchanan have it right. Let me be blunt, John.
I can't read the prompter without my glasses. John.
So it stops there. I understand that, but stunning, Buchanan himself, Irish-American.
Is he? I don't know. I don't see color, John.
You know, John, when the Irish came to this country, they were subject to almost the exact same accusations.

They were diseased, drunkards, guilty of immoral behavior.

Well, at the time, those charges may have been warranted.

I mean, look at the historical record as captured in this file footage from Ellis Island.

You can't deny that murderous leprechauns were killing our children.

It's a matter of fact. Your point in all this? Hope, John.
Simple, pure hope. That one day these tubercular, leprous, molesting immigrants can repeat the uniquely American journey of the fiendish, green-blooded Irish.
From unwanted immigrants to not wanting immigrants. While obviously still taking their orders directly from the Pope.
John? Thank you very much, John. John Hodgman.
We'll be right back. We were getting where we couldn't pay the bill.
PG&E asked customers about their biggest concerns so we could address them one by one.

That's terrifying.

That's fair.

Joe, Regional Vice President, PG&E.

We have to run the business in a way that keeps people safe, but it starts driving costs down.

I would love to see that.

We're on our way.

I hope so.

PG&E electricity rates are now lower than they were last year.

Hear what other customers have to say and what PG&E is doing about it at pge.com slash open dash lines. Introducing Instagram teen accounts.
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Let's get right to the big story. For months, the country has suffered through divided government, corrosive, partisan deadlock.
But last week in the Senate, a breakthrough. We have reached a broad agreement on a very complicated bill.
A complicated bill. So that means this bill is more than just a renewal of the Puppies Are Better Than Hitler Act.
Not that that, not that that didn't have issues. So what was this bill aboot? A comprehensive immigration reform bill.
The agreement we just reached is the best possible chance we will have in years to secure our borders, bring millions of people out of the shadows and into the sunshine of America. We must bring millions of people out of the garage and onto the front yards of America where they can.
Luis, I told you I needed the driveway clean. I guess is my point.
Vote Quimby. All right.
How would the country react to this very rare display of statesmanship? But if immigrant groups are angry over the bill, at least that means the anti-immigrant crowd must be pleased. What do you think of the deal? I think the deal stinks.
Blunt. There's no way this great republic can afford this legislation.
Dramatic. We're turning over more to Canada and Mexico, and I do not like that.
It's a destruction of our sovereignty. I guess that was Leghorn-esque.

I say, I say, I say, I say, I say, I say, I say, they gotta respect my sovereignty.

So the left is pissed off.

The right is pissed off.

And ladies and gentlemen, here comes the president, flanked by his silent wingmen.

All right, here's the plan.

We're going to go out there, I'm going to do some immigration talking.

Now, if everything goes good, I'll take some questions.

But if anyone sees anything suspicious, like a squirrel or something, we just pivot, turn, and walk away like we rehearsed.

Comprehendu?

Okay, let's do it.

I really am anxious to sign a comprehensive immigration bill as soon as I possibly can. Today we took a good step toward that direction.
Thank you. Hey, hey, is the squirrel following us? So, what is the, uh, oh, we have the advantage of writing to footage.
What is the bill? Basically, some immigrants already in the country illegally will have to pay a $5,000 fine, and then the head of their household will make a touchback trip to their home country, at which point they can apply for Z visas to have a chance at gaining permanent legal status within eight years. Or one can apply for a probationary card to stay

in the country without permanent status possibilities

for four years or until borders are secured.

Or you can get a guest worker Y visa

renewable every two years,

although there's only 400,000 of those that

are capped, based of course on market

fluctuations. Of course,

you understand all that

because you're an illegal alien who doesn't speak

English very well and lives in fear of deportation. For more on the immigration bill, we turn to Asif Manvi standing by in Washington.
Asif, thank you very much for joining us.

So, Asif,

basically the idea is there are different types of visas.

People already on the margins of societies

also have to come up with $5,000.

This legalization process

does not sound easy.

Well, it's not supposed to be, John.

It wasn't easy for our European ancestors.

They had a long, arduous journey

just to get here.

And then they had to kill a continent

Thank you. supposed to be, John.
It wasn't easy for our European ancestors. They had a long, arduous journey just to get here.
And then they had to kill a continent's worth of squatters while still suffering from boat lag. I think these new immigrants have it easy.
Give me a choice between wiping out a nation of indigenous peoples and bussing tables. It's no contest.
Better tips. Yesif, obviously, not to get personal, but you yourself were not born here.
You're...

Brown?

I was going to suggest...

Brown. It's fine, John.
I know I'm brown. But I'm from India.
I'm tech support slash cardiologist brown. Shout out.
Not dishwasher slash Los Angeles parking attendant brown. And I say that with no disrespect.

Asif.

Of course not.

Asif.

But doesn't this really point out what this bill is?

Isn't this bill really about the fact that these immigrants are Mexicans?

Absolutely not, John.

This debate has nothing to do with the ethnicity of these Mexicans. You're nodding your head, Asif.
Oh, it's a nervous tick. Mexicans make me nervous.
Asif, another controversial aspect of the bill is that families of these immigrants will no longer be given special status that they used to have. Immigrant status will be evaluated on some kind of point system.
That's right. For example, immigrants that speak English will get 10 points.
Those who work in science and health care get 8 points. Military service, 5 points.
No leprosy, 2 points. And if you use all your letters, 50 bonus points.
Asif, what is the point system trying to accomplish? Well, it lets us know who's worthy. You know, people like you could be satisfied with this being a nation of 12 to 15 point immigrants.
I think we can do better. It'll be like the SATs.
Assigning a point value will keep us from becoming a safety country. This is America, John, not Wesleyan.
But it is the antithesis of our founding, Asif. What happened to the motto, the old motto, give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free? Well, that was the old slogan, John.
America has rebranded its immigration policy. And the new slogan is? What can Brown do for you? Illegal immigration is on everyone's minds, and the increasing population of Latinos has plenty of white Americans concerned.
I sat down with four of those extremely passionate citizens. If you look around, there's a lot of Hispanic people.
I mean, not that there's any, I'm not racist or anything, but I think we're going to keep populating. We might have two kids.
What do they have, four or five kids? I'm saying seven, eight. Yeah, maybe.
Nine. Maybe I should have mentioned I was Latino.
All cultures are not equal. I live in Koreatown, dear.
So you're saying your problem is Koreans? No. Koreans are fine.
But see, Koreans are different. Koreans are like Chinese.
You don't see problems with the Chinese immigrants, even though they're illegal. It's getting hot in here.
I'm starting to sweat through my shirt. Latinos are worse than both Koreans and the Chinese.
That's a fact. But law enforcement agents like Richard Jones know how to stop this illegal menace.
And I suppose you're going to say the solution is to round everybody up. No, the solution is not to round them all up.
The solution is to where they don't have the stuff that they've got here. Free stuff.
stuff you get you get a computer when you come here what kind of computer are we talking new computer they get new computers they they get their car payments they get their house payments they get free medical care where they get it here in the united states no but specifically where i would I'd love to get some free computers and some free medical care. You've got to come here illegally to get the free stuff.
It's welfare at its worst. I wanted to talk to these Mexican moochers.
And luckily I was in a place with a lot of them. Texas, a state where Latinos will outnumber everyone by 2020.
Which made it really easy to put together a panel of Latino immigrants. I'm myself.
I'm from El Paso, Texas. You just said you were...
Texan. Yeah.
Wait, wait, wait. Show of hands, how many of you people are Texans? The stars at night are big and bright.
Deep in the heart of Texas. Clearly, you look Latino.
But you're really claiming that you're Texas. I was born in Texas, but my heritage is Mexican.
What? Damn it. These were the wrong types of Latinos.
I needed the illegals with the free computers. So I went deep undercover.
Edward James Olmos style. How long have you been taking free benefits from the United States? Never.
I'm working really hard. I never received nothing.
You get free things and you know it. No.
When did you come to America? Jesus, one second. How do you turn this thing down, Jesus? I mean, hey, Zeus, seriously, how do you turn this down? Hit the left switch, man.
What's up, fellas? Dress pretty nice for landscapers. Landscapers? I manage my family's business.
I work at a law firm, but can you please not talk like that? Like what? The way you're talking. He dressed like such a dick.
What are you talking about, bro? This is how Latinos dress. Maybe in 1992.
The f***, bro. F*** up, Pissy.
But don't let these seemingly nice people fool you. The illegals that come into this country, theirs is to come in and take and not pay the taxes.
And that's not the American dream. Who exactly are we talking about? They're not wealthy people sneaking across the border.
Not wealthy at all? No. You can't just come across on your own.
They call them their mules. And if you have nothing to pay, they'll abuse you along the way.
That sounds exhausting. Very exhausting.
And so they have them all huddled together in these groups? Yes. Why? What are they yearning for? To feel free.
So you're saying that there are tired, poor, huddled masses yearning for freedom. That's not what America's about.
It's not what I'm saying at all. Just get behind the line.
That's how we keep it this beautiful and a great country. But for how long? Because the menace is already here.
They're already in your state, your town, maybe even your street. Daddy!

And they are called Latinos.

You got dinner.

Boston Market.

Watch out, because they're not leaving until they get what they came for.

Nice catch!

A life as boring as yours.

And they are prepared to do anything to get it.

God, don't forget the Boca Burgers for Tracy.

And when the chips are down and their backs are against the wall, they'll make the best salsa you've ever had.

So wake up, America.

The Latinos aren't coming. They're already here.
Latinos. We were getting where we couldn't pay the bill.
PG&E asked customers about their biggest concerns so we could address them one by one. That's terrifying.
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Introducing Instagram teen accounts. A new way to keep your teen safer as they grow.
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Now that the tax plan has passed, the biggest issue facing Washington is immigration reform. Now, unfortunately, Democrats and Republicans have never been able to agree on this issue.
Do you kick all the illegal immigrants out? Do you give them a path to citizenship? Do you take their cuisine and then kick them out? Do you clean their house? Like, what do you do? What do you do? It's a contentious issue, and no one has been able to get both parties to make a deal. Fortunately, America elected a man with a particular set of skills, as he told us when he was still applying for the job.
With Congress, you have to get everybody in a room and you have to get them to agree. But you have to get them to agree what you want, and that's part of being a dealmaker.
You can't leave the White House, go to Hawaii and play golf for three weeks and be a real dealmaker. It doesn't work that way.
You have to get people in, grab them, hug them, kiss them, and get the deal done. But it's got to be the deal that you want.
Yeah! A deal making President can't just go to Hawaii and play golf. He goes to Florida.
It's much closer. You get an extra nine holes in.
Yeah, and you grab the people and you hug them and you kiss them. It's like turning to Harvey Weinstein in the middle of that.
What's going on? So, Trump promised to get Republicans and Democrats into a room. And guess what? Yesterday, that's exactly what he did.
Assembling over a dozen congressional leaders to negotiate immigration. Now, what made this meeting special is that Trump invited cameras into the room, which was mind-blowing, because finally we'd get to see the president take charge.
So go on, Mr. President.
Tell these fools your position. My positions are going to be what the people in this room come up with.
I am very much reliant on the people in this room. If they come to me with things that I'm not in love with, I'm gonna do it because I respect them.
I love that he's acting like a tough, in-control leader while at the same time telling everyone he will do anything they want. He's like, let's get this straight, asshole.
I'm your bitch. You will walk all over me.
And if you got a problem with that, I apologize. Now, the main discussion in this meeting was what to do about DACA, which is expiring in March.
Now, DACA has a program that allows around 700,000 undocumented immigrants who were brought to the U.S. when they were children to stay in the U.S.
and not to be deported. Because think about it.
They could be punished for a decision that their parents made to bring them here. You know, it's like how you were punished for your parents' decision to take you to super cuts.
It's not your fault. Now, Democrats want to pass DACA right now.
Republicans also want to pass DACA, but only if the Democrats also agree to fund more border security and, of course, Trump's wall. You guys remember the wall? Yeah? The one where Mexico was like, you guys are dumb, that one.
Remember that wall? So while both sides want DACA, there's clean DACA, and then there's DACA with everything else. And if you were running a high-level negotiation about DACA, this would be a key concept to understand.
But if I told you that there was one person in the room yesterday who didn't quite understand. I'll bet you can guess who it was.
So please enjoy this moment as Republican Kevin McCarthy has to jump in to help the president understand that he's just agreed with the opposite of what he said he always wanted. I'd like to ask the question, what about a clean DACA bill now with the commitment that we go into a comprehensive immigration reform procedure? I think a lot of people would like to see that.
But I think we have to do DACA first. Mr.
President, you need to be clear, though. I think what Senator Feinstein's asking here, when we talk about just DACA, we don't want to be back here two years later.
You have to have security,

as the secretary would tell you.

I think that's what she's saying.

No, no, no, I think she's saying something different.

It looks like McCarthy was gently correcting a stupid kid.

You know, it's just like, I want clean DACA.

No, Mr. President, you don't want clean DACA.

I don't want clean DACA.

I won't lie.

I think it's so cute that whenever Trump is out of his depth, he gives himself away with that little hug that he gives himself for comfort, you know? It's like his little thunder shirt. He does that thing.
Yeah, look at him. He looks like the oldest B-boy in the crew.
All you have to do is put him in a music video and he would crush it. He would just be killing the game.
Go DJ. Go DJ.
Go DJ.

Go DJ.

But actually, actually,

it's not fair to say that Trump knows

nothing about what he wants on immigration

reform, right? He might be a little

short on facts, but the important

thing is, he's got the feeling.

Having the Democrats in with

us is absolutely vital

because this should be a bipartisan bill. This should be a bill of love.
Truly, it should be a bill of love. That's right, people.
This should be a bill of love, which is ridiculous. You don't get to call that a bill of love, right? That's a bill that funds a 2,000-mile wall.
You don't call that the bill of love, even if the wall is full of glory holes, right? Which I fully believe Trump wants. That's not real love, right? A cheap fix, sure.
Does it feel great? Yes. But real love? I mean, unless you go back to the hole regularly and the hole knows your name, then maybe.
Like, if you care for the hole and the hole cares for you, then maybe it's love. Like, the real question is, what are you willing to do for the hole? And do you expect the hole to do anything in return? That's real love.
I missed you. But, uh, it's funny to hear Trump talking about love and immigration, especially after you hear the cruel decision that he made on Monday.
About 200,000 immigrants from El Salvador could face deportation next year after the White House announced it is ending their temporary protected status. These individuals who had been granted temporary protected status now have 18 months to try to find another legal way to stay in the United States or be sent back to El Salvador.
Many of them fled El Salvador because of violence during that country's civil war or after the 2001 earthquake, which devastated the country. Yeah, while President Bill of Love puts on a show for the cameras, behind the scenes, his administration is kicking out 200,000 people who have lived in the U.S.
illegally for decades, which is heartless, because these people have set up their whole lives. They have jobs.
They have houses. Many of them have kids who were born in the U.S.
These are families, Mr. President, human beings.
You can't just treat them the same way you treat Eric. All right, our first story kicks off in Texas.
Easily one of my favorite states to visit. Yeah, the last time I went to Texas, Ted Cruz took me out to all of his favorite restaurants.
Yeah, and everything had spit in it, but it was still delicious. It really was.
So I'm definitely going back. But over the past few years, Texas's governor has been scaling back the state's hospitality, particularly towards undocumented immigrants.
He's had them arrested, he's called out the National Guard, he even told citizens to, quote, take matters into their own hands. Yeah, but last week, Governor Abbott, he took things to a whole new level when he decided to start bussing illegal immigrants from Texas all the way to Washington, D.C.
Yeah, as a way to hit back at the Biden administration's immigration policies. And now the first bus has arrived.
About an hour ago, the first bus, full of migrants from Texas, arrived right outside the Fox Bureau in Washington, D.C. This bus took off from Del Rio, Texas.
It left Saturday at 4 p.m., I'm told, and has traveled for over three days straight to get here. There was a group from Nicaragua.
I also spoke to six young men from Venezuela. I asked them what they wanted to do next.
They said they wanted to go to Miami, and I asked if they were going to get there. They said they didn't know.
They're here in this country. They're willing to work hard.
We're here in the food court at Union Station where a lot of them have been getting something to eat because this was a 34-hour bus ride. They said they are very excited to be here, they feel welcome.
They said that they know that they are a prop in all of this, but they wanted to come anyway. You know, I don't care what anyone says, America is one of the craziest countries in the world.
Because what is happening here, people? Do you see, like, what is happening here? One day the governor's building a wall to keep immigrants out, and the next day he's giving them a free ride to the Capitol? What are you doing? Like, I also don't think that he fully thought this through. Because if you're trying to deter immigrants, don't you think this sends a mixed message? No? Huh? Yeah, because you realize they're gonna be calling home like, yo, as soon as I cross the border, they captured me, and they took me to Washington, D.C.
Hey, I think I'm gonna meet the president. Oh, man, you guys gotta come over as quick as you can.
Say, say, Greg Abbott sent you, man. It's crazy.
Also, of all of the places to drop the people off, you chose Fox News' headquarters in D.C.? Really? How you gonna do that to Fox News, man?

Those people are already terrified of imaginary immigrants.

Now, what are they gonna do when the real ones show up?

Those people are panicking.

Doesn't that, like, everyone's showing up to the Fox Bureau.

I bet in that office, everyone is just screaming like,

oh, my God, the caravan is here.

What? I thought we made that up. I thought so, too.
It's also interesting that the immigrants know that they're being used as pawns, but they're willing to get shipped out of Texas anyway. I like that.
And I like their honesty. They're like, yeah, we get what's happening here, but we're fine.
I guess maybe they just prefer to be in a state with a reliable power grid. That's what they were going for, you know? Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching The Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts.
Watch The Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount+. Paramount Podcasts.
We were getting where we couldn't pay the bill. PG&E asked customers about their biggest concerns so we could address them one by one.
That's terrifying. That's fair.
Joe, Regional Vice President, PG&E. We have to run the business in a way that keeps people safe, but it starts driving costs down.
I would love to see that. We're on our way.
I hope so. PG&E electricity rates are now lower than they were last year.
Hear what other customers have to say and what PG&E is doing about it at pge.com slash open dash lines. It's home renovation season.
New windows, new doors, maybe even new floors can make a home look nice. But this season, how about a project that can help protect your home and keep it nice when the next big earthquake strikes? Strengthening your home with a seismic retrofit is a wise investment in your house, and we have contractors that can help.
Earthquakes happen in California, so get prepared and worry less. Visit StrengthenYourHouse.com to learn more.

That's StrengthenYourHouse.com.

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