Recapping Trump's Second First 100 Days - Part 1

Introducing Instagram teen accounts, a new way to keep your teen safer as they grow, like making sure they always have their seatbelt on. All right, buckle up.
Good job. New Instagram teen accounts, automatic protections for who can contact your teen and the content they can see.
We were getting where we couldn't pay the bill. PG&E asked customers about their biggest concerns so we could address them one by one.
That's terrifying. That's fair.
Joe, Regional Vice President, PG&E.

We have to run the business in a way that keeps people safe, but it starts driving costs down.

I would love to see that.

We're on our way.

I hope so.

PG&E electricity rates are now lower than they were last year.

Hear what other customers have to say and what PG&E is doing about it at pge.com slash open dash lines.

Time is precious and so are our pets. So time with our pets is extra precious.
That's why we started Dutch. Dutch provides 24-7 access to licensed vets with unlimited virtual visits and follow-ups for up to five pets.
You can message a vet at any time and schedule a video visit the same day. Our vets can even prescribe medication for many ailments, and shipping is always free.
With Dutch, you'll get more time with your pets and year-round peace of mind when it comes to their vet care. You're listening to Comedy Central.
Donald J. Trump, the 45th president of the United States, a man whose licentious and felonious behavior has been well cataloged and documented, returned to the Capitol Rotunda just four short years after inspiring, in that very place, a day of riotous shit-f***y.
Shit-f***y. Returned to the exact same room.
Now, generally, if this were a Dateline documentary, he would return to that room to express a form of repentance and maturity and acknowledgement of the pain that had been wrought on that terrible day. But in this show that we're filming now, it's to be sworn in as the 47th president of the United States.

And as with most returning to the scene of the crime,

it began with tea

with the people you tried to steal it from.

A short time ago, President Joe Biden

greeted Mr. and Mrs.
Trump

at the White House for tea and inaugural tradition.

It's always important to keep up the tea tradition

when you hand over the keys to...

I'm sorry, what did you call them? Hitler?

But gotta be a good host.

Hey, the Wi-Fi password is White House,

but I changed the I to a 1. I hope that's not weird.
I'm not saying Biden should have done his own insurrection, but there's gotta be a happy medium between storming the Capitol and, would you like a crumpet? Then it was time for the swearing in on the, kind of on the Bible? Yes, it turns out Trump didn't actually put his hand on the Bible. Obviously, because one or the other would burst into flames.
Perhaps both. And so, ladies and gentlemen, the torch has been passed from Biden to Trump.
Yes, the torch has been passed to the same generation of Americans. Let's hear from the 47th president, fresh off the warm embrace of a tea ceremony with his predecessor.
My recent election is a mandate to completely and totally reverse a horrible betrayal and all of these many betrayals that have taken place. He's right behind you.
Luckily, I don't think he can hear you. Yes, the inaugural speech followed the American tradition of a passive-aggressive transfer of power.
The incoming president gets to completely shit on the outgoing president in front of that president and hopefully his spouse. In recent years, our nation has suffered greatly.
Record inflation trying to socially engineer race and gender. Disastrous invasion of our country.
It's a radical and corrupt establishment. Vicious, violent, and unfair weaponization.
From this moment on, America's decline is over. This is a tumultuous time in American history filled with much uncertainty and trepidation.
But it is very difficult for me to not, in any way, take the bait of the way he said, dick line. It really did sound like he said, our dick line.
Like, the line of our dick. So, you can see America's dick line? I mean, how are you going to end our dick line? With a tuck or a full reassignment? Or is this more about Fetterman's shorts? What about our dick line? I am a child.
But as bad as things were, guess what, folks? Daddy's home. It's about to get a whole lot better.
The golden age of America begins right now. From this day forward, our country will flourish.
The American dream will soon be back and thriving like never before. We will win like never before.
We will be a rich nation again. We will bring

prices down, fill our strategic reserves up again. We will drill, baby, drill.
Oh, I think I just saw J.D. Vance's dick line.
Drill baby drill

But for all the day's eerie energy, one thing stood out to America's watchdogs of democracy. We have watched as the 47th president of the United States has been sworn in, the cornerstone of democracy.
This is the true transfer of power here of the current president and the former president making this walk. This process is what distinguishes the United States from a lot of other parts of the world.
Yeah, it's all just normal shit. It's just another day.
It's all just normal transfer power shit. We're just going to play along like all this theater is normal.
Oh, except there was one thing that might have given the game away.

With just 20 minutes or so left in his presidency,

we've just gotten word from President Biden that he is pardoning his brothers,

their wives, his sister, other family members.

He says that he is doing this because baseless and politically motivated investigations

wreak havoc on the lives of individuals. It's all just normal.
First of all, Biden, you're at the inauguration. Did you auto schedule your pardons? And second of all, what the man, you're just pardoning your whole thing.
It's not a great look. Yeah, like any good captain, as the ship is going down, Biden gave the order.
That lifeboat is for my family! The rest of you can do just like a kind of Jack and Rose thing. One on, one off, 50-50 shot, who gives a s? Biden out-y.
So the takeaway this entire day was a man who tried to overthrow the government has been peacefully handed the reins of power. And the outgoing president has started a new tradition of blanket pardoning everyone in his orbit.
The two men creating a magnificent snake-sucking-its-own-dick cycle of no accountability. And then, of course, we end with the grand finale.
The attack on Greenland has begun! Yesterday, that dude signed over 100 executive actions. I mean, look at them.
He froze the federal hiring bill, something about genders. Then he said Cuba's a state-sponsored terrorist now.
He renamed a mountain. Dishwashers are less efficient.
He can do that? Look, he has so many executive actions, they have to, like, scroll through the tracks like it was an ad for now that's what I call MAGA. And being the showman that he was, Trump wasn't gonna sign these behind a desk with a pen and paper like a nerd.
Okay? No, he turned this into an arena show. At Capital One Arena in front of a crowd of supporters, Trump putting into motion his day one action.
After President Trump signed the executive orders at a desk that was placed on stage, he had a pile of pins. Well, President Trump decided to toss the pins to some of his supporters.

Wow.

Whoever caught that pen is so lucky.

I mean, that is going to be such a cool thing for those guys to show their kids

once they get their visitation rights back.

And even after,

even after he got back to the White House,

he just kept signing.

I mean, this guy was so in the zone,

he didn't even know what he was signing. Withdrawing from the World Health Organization.
Ooh. Ooh.
He's withdrawing from the World Health Organization like he's hearing the dessert options. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I, yeah, I'll have the tiramisu and, uh, potential measles outbreak with that. I mean, if you could put anything in front of him yesterday, he would have signed it.
Melania, now's your chance to update the prenup. Go, go, go, go.
But, you know... But you know what? I'm not to be shitting on President Trump, okay?

Okay, sure, he pulled out of the WHO.

But who are those guys?

What are the odds there's ever going to be a pandemic

requiring global cooperation?

So I'm going to go to President Trump with an open mind.

You know, he won the election,

which means he's a great guy who's right.

So I'm sure his executive orders are reasonable. Trump pulled the U.S.
out of the Paris Climate Accords. Okay, look, I know that sounds bad for these woke liberals, but, like, does it really matter? You know, one year we're in, next year we're out.
We've been doing the hokey-pokey of these guys for, like, 12 years. They didn't even put us in a group chat anymore.

Also, newsflash, Paris Accord,

yo, we're not gonna reach the emission goals anyway, okay?

This world is over.

It's just an excuse to go to Paris,

which, uh, overrated.

Okay, so, fine, he's taking us out of anything that involves the rest of the world, okay?

I'm sure there's other executive orders that aren't any worse. Among the many executive orders President Trump signed on Monday was this one, pausing the TikTok ban for 75 days.
He says the United States should broker a deal to own half of the platform. I think the U.S.
should be entitled to get half of TikTok. And congratulations, TikTok has a good partner.
See? Yo, he brought back TikTok. Just as my brain was regaining its higher-order functions.
I mean, oh, my God, that was close. Now, if you remember, TikTok was originally banned because everyone thinks it gives China too much influence over Americans.

And to be fair, before I started using TikTok,

I was a white guy from Iowa, okay?

But the point... The point is, the people have spoken, okay?

We want China to change our brains.

What absolute idiot even thought of banning it

in the first place?

We're looking at TikTok.

We may be banning TikTok.

Okay. Yeah, thank you, President Trump,

for saving us from that guy.

What I'm saying is,

all these executive orders aren't bad, okay?

I mean, what else is he doing?

And Trump is gonna try, through executive order,

to end birthright citizenship.

It's a constitutional right that those born on American soil are U.S. citizens, regardless of their parents'

immigration status. Okay, okay, that does sound like a major change.
Birthright citizenship

has been in the Constitution for over 100 years. But, on the other hand, should you

just be a U.S. citizen just because you were born here? I mean, I think all citizens should

have to prove that they're truly American by taking a quiz on American history and failing it. Okay? If your score...
If your score is above 60, you're going back to Asia or whatever shithole country has educational standards. And to be fair, nothing too extreme so far.
I mean, it sounds like there's a campaign Trump that says things to win, and then there's a President Trump who rules more moderately. Overnight, with the stroke of a pen, President Trump issuing sweeping pardons to nearly all of the rioters charged for their actions on January 6th.
So this is January 6th? Trump even granting clemency to the more than 600 people charged with assaulting or resisting law enforcement. Okay, look, uh, freeing violent criminals from prison seems less moderate and more like something Bane did, okay? But you know what? If you know your history, in that situation, Batman fixed it, okay? So, concerns are overblown, uh, and look, these guys have been in prison for, like, two whole months already, okay? I'm sure they've learned their lesson.
Jacob Chansley, we know him as also the QAnon shaman, he put out something on social media where he said, I got a pardon, baby. Thank you, President Trump.
Now I'm going to buy some mother effing guns. It's almost the end of Trump's first week in office, and he's done a lot.
He shut down windmills. He saved TikTok.
He caught Common San Diego. And the man just can't stop, won't stop.
On Monday, he wiped out all federal DEI programs, and yesterday, he ordered that if anyone, anyone, if you see anyone trying to be inclusive, you better tell teacher. The Trump administration asking federal workers to snitch on their coworkers in a rollback of diversity, equity, and inclusion programs.
Employees have been told to report any colleagues who work in diversity, equity and inclusion roles or they could face consequences. NBC News obtained emails sent to multiple agencies that say some of these programs are disguised using coded or imprecise language.
Yeah, you hear that? Don't even think about doing DI in secret, right? Don't be meeting up in back alleys like, yo, yo, you got any lesbian resumes for me today? And I know you think DEI was only invented in 2020 by Democrats looking for a fresh new way to lose elections, but Donald Trump is dedicated to rooting out DEI all throughout history. One of the president's executive orders revokes an executive order signed by President Lyndon Johnson in 1965 that the Trump administration says mandated affirmative action.
That's right. Donald Trump went back in time to kill baby DEI.
It's kind of impressive that he got this much focus. Trump is doing deep dives into these obscure old policies like he's MAGA John Oliver.
And, look, I'm not going to pretend to know more about civil rights law than Donald Trump. I mean, he's been sued over it many times.
But if a discrimination law has been around since 1965, it might be a load-bearing civil rights thing, so maybe don't touch it. But DEI is not the only thing Trump is shutting down.
He's also shutting down illegal immigration. In fact, it was probably the biggest thing he talked about during the campaign, aside from Arnold Palmer's penis, which is actually a thing that happened.
But today, Trump faced his first setback. Breaking news out of Seattle.
A federal judge has just temporarily blocked President Trump's order attempting to end birthright citizenship. The judge in this case is saying that they have been on the bench for over four decades.
And this is a quote from the judge inside the courtroom. I can't remember another case where the question presented is as clear as this one.
This is a blatantly unconstitutional order. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What does the Constitution have to do with this? The Constitution is for gun stuff, okay? Who died to make this woke activist a judge, huh? Oh. Uh, Ronald Reagan.
That liberal cuck. This judge has been judging for four decades and has never seen something and I quote, so blatantly unconstitutional.
I mean, that's like the judge equivalent of a Kendrick diss track. Like, all the other judges were like, oh, shit! We concur! Usually the judge says this is constitutional or unconstitutional.
Okay, but this is, like, next-level unconstitutional. This is like if you took a pregnancy test and it said, you are the least pregnant anyone's ever been in 40 years.
But Trump doesn't expect all these executive orders to pass legal scrutiny. He's signing those things the way, like, guys swipe right on every Tinder profile, okay? Yo, he just needs one or two to hit, and that's the weekend, baby.
The point is, Trump is going to try whatever he can to shut the border down. And last night, Trump sat down for some conversation and light manspreading with Sean Hannity to explain why.
In an Oval Office sit-down last night, President Trump repeated false claims that other countries are sending their prisoners here. They've emptied their jails.
If I were the president or prime minister or something of another country, I'd empty my jails right into America. You did do that.
Like, three days ago. With the...
With the Gen 6 thing, remember? That guy handed you all those cheesecake factory menus and you signed them all? That was the thing. But look, Trump doesn't care whether migrants are technically criminals or not, because he can tell just by looking at them.
Sean, who would ask for open borders with people pouring in? Some of whom, I won't get into it, but you can look at them and you can say, could be trouble, could be trouble. There are people coming in with tattoos all over their face.
Their entire face is covered with tattoos. Typically, you know he's not going to be the head of the local bank.
Breaking news, old man not fan of tattoos. And yeah, probably the guys with face tattoos aren't going to be bankers.
But maybe bankers should have face tattoos. I mean, one teardrop for every loan application they've denied.
Stay clear of J.P. Morgan, that guy's loco.
Introducing Instagram teen accounts. A new way to keep your teen safer as they grow.
Like making sure they always have their seatbelt on. All right, sweetie pie, buckle up.
Good job. Or ring the bell on their bike.
Okay, kid, give it a try. Nice.
Or remember their elbow pads. Knees too, okay? Yep.
There you go. New Instagram teen accounts.
Automatic protections for who can contact your teen and the content they can see. We were getting where we couldn't pay the bill.
PG&E asked customers about their biggest concerns so we could address them one by one. That's terrifying.
That's fair. Joe, Regional Vice President, PG&E.
We have to run the business in a way that keeps people safe, but it starts driving costs down. I would love to see that.
We're on our way. I hope so.
PG&E electricity rates are now lower than they were last year. Hear what other customers have to say and what PG&E is doing about it at pge.com slash open dash lines.
Time is precious and so are our pets. So time with our pets is extra precious.
That's why we started Dutch. Dutch provides 24-7 access to licensed vets with unlimited virtual visits and follow-ups for up to five pets.
You can message a vet at any time and schedule a video visit the same day. Our vets can even prescribe medication for many ailments, and shipping is always

free. With Dutch,

you'll get more time with your pets and year-round

peace of mind when it comes to their vet care.

Friday night massacre. Late Friday night

purge. A chilling purge.

The purge.

Ah!

Trump has ushered in the purge. A chilling purge.
The purge. Ah! Trump has ushered in the

purge!

I, I for one...

I for one will

take full advantage by

doing some unpermitted lawn work.

Your God is powerless.

Although, just in case I'm misinterpreting, what is this purge about exactly?

Breaking news, the mass firing of government agency watchdogs.

Trump fired at least 17 inspectors general.

No!

He got rid of 17 inspectors general no he got rid of 17 inspectors general that only leaves no one knows how many that i i have no idea oh i'm sorry Did I break the illusion? You don't, you know, here's the nice thing. You don't know if that's the axe or my desk.
Which one is fake? I'll never tell. The point is, we have 17 less inspectors general.
Who knows how many generals will now go uninspected? Democrats, inspire my anger in the least charismatic way possible. Donald Trump's decision to fire 12 of the federal government's independent watchdogs is a glaring sign that it's a golden age that.

And Donald Trump's decision to fire 12 of the federal government's independent watchdogs is a glaring sign that it's a golden age for abuse in government and even corruption.

Thank you. to fire 12 of the federal government's independent watchdogs is a glaring sign that it's a golden age for abuse in government and even corruption.
He started again, right? He said it twice? Like, no recognition, just f***ing started again.

Is that what happened?

Normally, humans in that scenario would go,

oh, God, I'm sorry, what, uh, where was I?

Let me take that from the top,

and maybe this time I'll look up.

Can you, are you, can you legally just restart without acknowledgement?

Is Schumer AI, is he deep seek? But regardless of how slowly NPC Chuck Schumer laid it out, what Trump did violated the law. He can't just fire these people.

Title 5, Section 403 of the U.S. Code, Federal Law,

an inspector general may be removed by the president.

What?

So what's the purge?

What's the... Why do I have an axe?

There is a specific law that requires notice,

30 days, and a statement of reasons,

substantive and detailed rationale. What? I'm sorry, what? Oh, apparently you can fire them,

but you have to give them 30 days notice. Oh, so that's what we're upset about? No!

You can do it, but not in that font!

That's Hitler's font.

But this is the cycle we find ourselves in.

First law of trumpodynamics.

Every action is met with a very not equal overreaction.

Thus throwing off our ability to know when shit is actually getting real.

Like last week's pardons. These pardons are sick.
They are offensive. They are un-American.
This is one of the most egregious, despicable acts in American history. This is textbook authoritarian takeover 101.
I knew I should have taken that class. And not majored in submissive liberal crying 101.
Oh, do what you will, Trumpieski. Was it shitty? Yes.
Should you have let some of those terrible people? No!

Is it an abusive pardon power? I don't f***ing know.

But that is his constitutional

power. Again,

for some reason, we have given

presidents the power of a king.

And then we say, oh, by the way,

with that power, you're not going to get all, like, kingly

and s*** on us, right?

To put that in constitutional

terms, if I could, don't hate the player. Hate the founding fathers.
Why do we even have it? Because I don't know if you've met Donald Trump. He pushes shit.
President Trump deploying executive action to end birthright citizenship. This unconstitutional, un-American attack.
Shredding our Constitution. He wants to be a strong man authoritarian.
Birthright citizenship was very specifically tailored to send a message to people that America was a place, an idea. It wasn't for one race.
It wasn't for one gender. Citizenship in America was based on

where you were, not who you were. And to just stroke of a pen, finally, I agree.
That is authoritarian. We do begin tonight with the federal judge blocking President Trump's executive order that would end birthright citizenship.
And we're back. See how easy that was?

It was a dictatorship

And then the judge went... It's like when you have an electric fence.
You never check it, and you're not really sure if it works. Because you have a good voice you have a very good boy but then one day zap by the way I fundamentally disagree with the use of electric fences I it is true I prefer to discipline my dogs with a series of passive-aggressive comments about their weight.

Really tearing through the bowl tonight, huh?

Take a breath, Tubbs.

It's called kibble, not gobble.

By the way, my dog's name is Tubbs.

Anyway, birthright citizenship is back.

No, obviously we'll appeal it.

Damn you, constitutionally enshrined judicial review of executive action and its relief through the appellate process? Look, we are facing a deluge of these executive actions, and certainly we must be prepared for those most vulnerable to the consequences of these actions. But the this-is-all-fascist argument has become almost a reflex for the left.
Donald Trump promised to be a dictator on day one, and he's carried that forward through the entire week. Five days into this administration, the abuse is already rampant.
Well, the rest of the week, shredding the Constitution as he went. On a fascism scale of one to ten, with ten being peak fascism, how would you rate Trump's first week? On a scale of Mussolini to the Holocaust.
You know, I would say it's not fascism.

Do I not understand what fascism is? And also, if I may, and this may be petty, why are we asking someone who, at the end of January, still has his f***ing Christmas tree up? Why are we asking him anything? Thank you, man.

Donald Trump was busy getting our military in shape so he can finally fulfill our country's month-old dream of conquering Greenland. And first, we're going to need to have as many troops as possible.
President Trump has signed several executive orders to reshape the military, including directive banning transgender service members. OK, did I say as many troops? I mean, fewer troops, right? You know what they say in the army? Less is more.
Look, maybe they don't say that. I don't know, but that's...
Look, I don't have a problem with transgender soldiers. As someone who pees himself anytime he hears a loud noise, I think we should be grateful to anyone who's willing to put their life on the line so I don't have to.
But hey, yeah, okay. But I'm open-minded about being closed-minded, so what's the issue here? President Trump signed an executive order calling transgender people unfit to serve.
One part says being transgender is, quote, not

consistent with the humility and selflessness required of a service member. Another says being trans conflicts with, quote, an honorable, truthful, and disciplined lifestyle, even in one's personal life.
Yeah, well, look, you know, it makes sense that the military has to be honorable, truthful, and disciplined.

You know, sure,

this is your

Secretary of Defense,

but that's all

the more real has to be honorable, truthful, and disciplined. You know, sure, this is your secretary of defense,

but that's all the more reason...

That's all the more reason that the rest of them

have to have their shit together.

It's like how every Beatles album had to be packed with hits

to make up for that one song that Ringo wrote

about wanting to f*** an octopus or whatever.

I gotta say, the military sure has a lot of ethical rules for their mission of killing people. Hey, you wanna blow some guy's head off? You better say please and thank you.
But to be fair, Trump had another argument against trans soldiers as well. They specifically cite readiness with transition surgeries.
If you have a transition surgery,

the recovery time and the narcotics

that you have to be on as part of the process

could affect your readiness for up to 12 months.

Oh, up to 12 months.

Do you know how long our wars last?

I think they'll have you back in the game in no time.

Vietnam War, 11 years. Afghanistan War, 20 years.
Even our storage wars last 15 seasons. First of all, transgender people make up 0.1% of the military.
So, Commander-in-Chief, you're ruining the lives of people who are dedicated to serving America while doing nothing to affect the larger military. I don't see why a transition surgery

should affect readiness more than any other surgery.

Trump is acting like they're doing

transition surgeries on the front lines.

Medic! I need a medic

over here. We gotta get this guy a labia.

Stat!

Also, what do you mean readiness?

Modern war is just telling a

drone to drop bombs. Pretty sure it doesn't matter what your sex is to go like this.
That's how they drop bombs. But Trump isn't just doing bad things to good people.
He's also doing good things to bad people. It's been a week since he pardoned everyone who had a normal tourist visit to the Capitol on January 6th, and I'm sure they're making the most of their second chance, right? A man pardoned by President Trump for his role in the January 6th riot was shot and killed by an Indiana deputy during a traffic stop.
Okay, well, except for that guy. I mean, that guy really wasted a presidential pardon.
Look, if I ever get a presidential pardon, I'll tell you what I'm not going to do. I'm not going to get shot to death.
So what exactly happened there? Police say the deputy tried to arrest Matthew Huddle on Sunday, but he resisted and the deputy shot him. Investigators say Huddle had a gun.
Hmm. A routine traffic stop ending in the police shooting a man they claimed had a gun.
Ordinarily, this is the kind of thing liberals would cry police brutality. But if it's a January 6th, sir, you know, I have a feeling they're going to be like, oh, look, we need to back the blue on this one.
Liberals are getting so much whiplash trying to decide if this cop is bad or good. Rachel Maddow is going to be in a neck brace.
But aside from the ones who are dead, all the rest of the January 6th writers who Trump released from prison must be so happy right now. Houston authorities are trying to find a man pardoned by Donald Trump for his role in the January 6th riots.
Andrew T Take is wanted for a 2016 charge of a solicitation

of a minor. Okay, well, not

that guy also.

But, stop. But look,

any group as large as the

January 6th crowd is going to have one

sex creep in it. You know, there's probably

one in our audience right now.

Raise your hand if you're

a sex creep. That guy

in the plaid shirt, that woman. Sir, come on.
The point is, all the rest of the partners, they're fine. They're doing fine.
A Mid-Hill man who pleaded guilty to his involvement in January 6th is possibly facing other charges. Court documents show David Daniel is facing child pornography charges.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, what? I'm starting to worry that the people who broke into the Capitol and took a shit on Nancy Pelosi's desk are not upstanding citizens. You know what? Forget about those two pedophiles.
Andrew Kyle Grigsby of Louisville, who was pardoned for spraying Capitol

Police with bear spray, is currently incarcerated in a Kentucky prison for two counts of child

pornography. Jesus Christ! At this point, it might have been better for them just to stay

in prison, you know? At least then they were heroes. Now they're all going to individual

prisons for child pornography. Like, so, uh, do you guys have a choir? Trump's been busy these last few days.
Signing orders, reinstalling the Diet Coke button, grabbing Panama by the canal. But it was only a matter of time until he had to start presidenting for real.
This morning, he held a press conference to address the tragic plane crash in Washington, D.C. last night.

And remember, one of the most important things a leader can do in a rapidly developing, difficult situation

is to calm people down, stick to the facts, and keep your uninformed opinions to yourself.

We do not know what led to this crash, but we have some very strong opinions and ideas, and I think we'll probably state those opinions now. I mean, or we can just speculate wildly.
Why not? I get a little bit nervous when Trump has a strong opinion. You know, it's never something unifying, like sunsets are beautiful, or love is the answer.
But this is a new term, and he's only a few days in, so let's give him the benefit of the doubt. What's Trump's opinion about what happened in D.C.? The FAA's diversity push, a big push to put diversity into the FAA's program.
The agency's guidance on diversity hiring, the FAA's diversity and inclusion hiring plan. Damn you diversity initiatives.
Why are you responsible for every historical tragedy? The fires in Los Angeles, DEI. The bridge collapse in Baltimore, DEI.
The Irish potato famine, DEI. Slavery, DEI.
Did you ever notice how many minorities were at slavery? It's all DEI. Just to be clear, Mr.
President, you have evidence that diversity initiatives are responsible for this tragic crash. You're not just saying this, right? Right?

I'm trying to figure out how you can come to the conclusion right now that diversity

had something to do with this crash.

Because I have common sense.

There you go. No, no, no, no.
There you go.

There you go. He has

common sense.

It's just a coincidence that his common sense

happens to align with his long-held prejudices.

So let's spin the big wheel of blame to see which minorities are responsible for this crash. Who will it be this time? Black people? Lesbians? Trans-Armenians? The FAA is actively recruiting workers who suffer severe intellectual disabilities, psychiatric problems, and other mental and physical conditions under a diversity and inclusion hiring initiative.
They include hearing, vision, missing extremities, partial paralysis, complete paralysis, epilepsy, and dwarfism. Dwarfism? I can't believe it's only day 10, and Trump is already this far down his list of scapegoats.
He's blown past race and gender, and now he's hitting dwarves? Is he really suggesting there was a plane crash because someone with dwarfism worked in air traffic control? Does Trump think they couldn't see the control panel and they were just... reaching up and pushing buttons, hoping it would work out? Hold on.
I... I just want to say that people with dwarfism are just like everyone else.
In fact, their penises are normal size. Which means proportionally, they're huge.
So in a way, you could say that I'm the one looking up to them. Thank you.
That's a thinker. Thank you.
That's a thinker. That's a thinker.
A lot of different layers in there. You might be thinking, well, that's progress.
You know, he used to blame everything on past administrations. But don't worry, he got them in there, too.
We had a very good policy. And then Biden came in in and he changed it.
And Biden went by a standard that's the exact opposite. The FAA, which is overseen by Secretary Pete Buttigieg, a real winner.
You know how badly everything's run since he's run the Department of Transportation? Obama, Biden and the Democrats, they put politics at a level that nobody's ever seen.

I changed the Obama standards

from very mediocre at best to extraordinary.

I'm sorry.

You're blaming Obama?

The guy from three presidents ago?

Forget blaming a fart on your dog. This is blaming the fart on your dog that died when you were eight.
I still think about you, Henry. Such stinky farts you have.
Look, Mr. President, I know you're scared that people might hold you responsible now that you're president.
because you're the president, Mr. President.
And it's time to just be a man, okay? Real men don't point fingers. Real men find solutions.
Real men show leadership. Real men moisturize.
Guys, you've got to take care of your skin. You've got to take care of your skin.
Yeah. The skin is the biggest organ on the body.
Unless you're a dwarf, then it's the second biggest. We all know Donald Trump isn't a details kind of guy.
We elected him to come up with big, brilliant ideas like renaming the Gulf of Mexico. No one else could have thought of that or should have thought of that.
But it's okay that he's not big on details because during the campaign he promised us that he knew a guy. I'm going to appoint Elon Musk, who's a fantastic guy, to lead a government efficiency commission tasked with saving trillions of dollars in fraud, waste, and abuse.
We have tremendous fat. Tremendous fat.
Oh, don't take the bait, Desi. Don't take the bait.
Be the bigger person. Be the bigger person.
Okay. That's right.
Elon Musk, the world's richest man and guy who cheers in the

wrong parts of saving private Ryan. Trump promised us that he'd give Elon full access to the federal

government, pull it to the side and get all up in it. And unlike his wedding vows, this is a promise

he kept. Elon Musk sweeping push to make over the federal government, sparking democratic

Thank you. And unlike his wedding vows, this is a promise he kept.
Elon Musk's sweeping push to make over the federal government, sparking Democratic panic and warnings of a constitutional crisis. Now we have learned that his team has gained access to something extraordinarily sensitive, the system that the Treasury Department uses to disperse almost every check and expenditure of any kind made by the U.S.
government. That is a vast database with millions of Americans' personal information on it.
Yeah. Yeah, Elon Musk has access to your social security number, and that is not cool.
If you want our personal data, Elon, you go buy it off the dark web like everyone else.

OK, you might be thinking, I don't want white nationalist Tony Stark to have sole control of the inner workings of the federal government. But relax.
It's not just Elon. He has a fully equipped team.

Longtime government employees this week were shocked to find that their new supervisors from Elon Musk's Doge department include recent college and high school graduates between 19 and 24 years old. One of the young men is apparently a former intern at Musk's Neuralink company, who goes by the online handle Big Balls.
Great. Big Balls has my social security number.
Now I feel better.

But Elon Musk isn't the only one having people finger banging their eggs Florentine with excitement.

Donald Trump is also reducing the government workforce,

although his interests seem to be less about cost-cutting and more about sweet, sweet revenge.

Tremendous unrest inside the FBI as prosecutors and agents who worked on the January 6th investigation are being targeted.

Thank you. cutting and more about sweet sweet revenge.
Tremendous unrest inside the FBI as prosecutors and agents who worked on the January 6th investigation are being targeted. It looks like a wholesale purge of the FBI.
As you know already the eight top officials at the Federal Bureau of Investigation have either been fired or forced to resign. Now the FBI is being asked to produce a list of every employee who worked on any case related to January 6th.
I am told this is some 6,000 FBI employees all told. What the f***? These agents were doing their job enforcing the law, and now they're getting fired? That is not how it works.

I cannot believe I have to explain firing to the star of The Apprentice.

That was your whole fake job.

And this is obviously just the beginning,

because Trump is going to be targeting everyone that's ever come after him.

And I just want to say, I'm not scared.

So, Mr. Trump, bring it on.
Okay? Bring it on. That's coming from me, Jordan Klepper.
K-L-E-P-P-E-R. Introducing Instagram teen accounts.
A new way to keep your teen safer as they grow. Like making sure they always have their seatbelt on.
Alright sweetie pie, buckle up. Good job.
Or ring the bell on their bike. Okay kid, give it a try.
Nice. Or remember their elbow pads.
Knees too, okay? Yep. There you go.
New Instagram teen accounts. Automatic protections for who can contact your teen and the content they can see.
We were getting where we couldn't pay the bill. PG&E asked customers about their biggest concerns so we could address them one by one.
That's terrifying. That's fair.
Joe, Regional Vice President, PG&E. We have to run the business in a way that keeps people safe, but it starts driving costs down.
I would love to see that. We're on our way.
I hope so. PG&E electricity rates are now lower than they were last year.
Hear what other customers have to say and what PG&E is doing about it at pge.com slash open dash lines. Time is precious and so are our pets.
So time with our pets is extra precious. That's why we started Dutch.

Dutch provides 24-7 access to licensed vets

with unlimited virtual visits and follow-ups

for up to five pets.

You can message a vet at any time

and schedule a video visit the same day.

Our vets can even prescribe medication for many ailments

and shipping is always free.

With Dutch, you'll get more time with your pets

and year-round peace of mind when

it comes to their vet care. This morning, a stunning proposal from an American president.

Donald Trump with the Israeli prime minister by his side, declaring that the U.S. will take over

the Gaza Strip. The U.S.
will take over the Gaza Strip. We'll own it.
Okay, let me just ask, what? And also, what? President Trump made a surprising suggestion last night during a press conference with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. The United States, he said, should take over the war-torn Gaza Strip and redevelop it into something like a seaside resort.
We have an opportunity to do something that could be phenomenal. And I don't want to be cute.
I don't want to be a wise guy, but the Riviera of the Middle East. What the f***? Trump is going to turn Gaza into the Riviera? He couldn't even turn Atlantic City into a nicer Atlantic City.
Crazy. If anything, they tore down so many of his casinos he turned Atlantic City into Gaza.
But okay he wants to rebuild it and he wants to turn it into Mar-a-Lago. At least the Palestinians will have a place to go back to.
Donald Trump calling for the permanent resettlement of roughly 2 million Palestinians. I don't think people should be going back to Gaza.
I think that Gaza has been very unlucky for them. And he says he's willing to use the U.S.
military to do it. We'll do what is necessary.
If it's necessary, we'll do that. Okay, just so I'm clear, your idea is to take over gaza rebuild it into mar-a-lago and make sure that the palestinians who live there can't go back that is the craziest thing he said since yesterday and until tomorrow even his chief of staff was shocked look at that look.
Look at her face. She looks just like she won best country album at the Grammy.
And of course she's shocked. He's effectively advocating for ethnic cleansing.
Who could possibly be okay with that?

You see things others refuse to see. You say things others refuse to say.
And after the jaws drop, people scratch their heads and they say, you know, he's right. No, they usually scratch their heads and they say,

What the f*** are you talking about? Of course, Bibi is ecstatic at Trump's idea. Look at him.
He looks happier than a teenager getting a handjob in the back of a birthright bus. But Bibi aside, this proposal is giving a lot of people whiplash.
Trump ran his whole campaign on America First, and now he's out there chanting from the Riviera to the sea. Yesterday, Donald Trump unveiled his big plan to relocate Gazans and turn their homeland into the world's holiest hard rock hotel and casino.
And today the reviews are in. The Arab world hates it, Democrats condemn it, Republicans have problems with it, and the Palestinians won't abide by it.
Or as Trump says... When we asked about your Gazan proposal, a lot of people people are talking about obviously not.
Everybody loves it. I stand corrected.
I guess everybody loves it. And even though the plan was totally perfect in every way, his staff spent the entire next day walking back every single part of it.
The president said his intention was to remove Palestinians from Gaza permanently. If we can get a beautiful area to resettle people permanently.
But today the press secretary said it would be temporary. The president has made it clear that they need to be temporarily relocated out of Gaza for the rebuilding of this effort.
Aww. Trump's press secretary just had her first walk back.

This is an important rite of passage for Trump's spokespeople,

their bull mitzvah, if you will.

She was spending so much time walking back the plan

that at one point she ran out of English words.

This is an unhabitable place for human beings.

Yeah, so true. Remind me how it got unhabilibitable again? Even worse for Caroline, while she was scrambling to salvage Trump's plan, Trump was on Truth Social readjusting it on the fly, which left everybody even more confused.
Breaking just a short time ago, President Trump seemed to backtrack, but also

to double down on his plan to take over Gaza. A backtrack and a double down? And now on the uneven bars, Donald Trump will attempt the rare combination backtrack double down.
And let's see if he breaks every bone in his body.

But while his team tries to fix his Gaza plan, Donald Trump has already moved on because he's basically the norovirus. Every day he spews executive orders all over the place.
And while we struggle to clean up all the puke, he comes out the other end with something even worse. He tried to buy out the entire workforce of the CIA.
His DOJ is going after anyone who's investigated him. And now he has defeated America's biggest threat.
At the White House today, President Trump signing an executive order banning transgender women and girls from competing in women's sports. With this executive order, the war on women's sports is over.
We're putting every school receiving taxpayer dollars on notice that if you let men take over women's sports teams or invade your locker rooms, you will be investigated for violations of Title IX and risk your federal funding. You notice how we paused right before invade your locker rooms like maybe we won't make that illegal should have proofread this look it's bad enough that he's banned trans women from sports but spare us the performance of pretending that this is a top issue for women in this country.
Maybe start with, I don't know, reproductive rights or pay inequality. Or why it's 2025 and still none of my clothes have pockets.
Now, you might be wondering, is this really going to be the entire Trump presidency, just divisive executive orders every day for the next four years? Probably. But on the bright side, he did have one executive order today that felt relatively harmless.
I have signed an executive order to resume the process of creating a new national park full of statues of the greatest Americans who ever lived. It will be called the National Garden of American Heroes.
And I hope that Congress will fully fund this wonderfully unifying project at the first possible opportunity. Excuse me, sir.
Americans already have a national garden and it sells unlimited breadsticks. I never thought I'd say this, but Elon, I got some government waste for you right here.
Does anyone have the phone number of the Department of Government Efficiency? Actually, they're all 12-year-olds. Does anyone have the Roblox usernames of the Department of Government Efficiency? Here's, and I'm going to drop some knowledge here.
No one really cared about the game because of the earth-shattering announcement that had been made moments prior.

You know, we're flying over right now.

We're flying over a thing called the Gulf of America.

And I'm signing a proclamation, and perhaps you could define that.

First of all, why do you fly around in a Hyatt hotel room?

Second of all, define proclamation?

You don't know what a procl... Or do you just want her to say what the actual pro...

I'm sorry, I interrupted. Go ahead.

This is a proclamation declaring today, February 9th, 2025,

this is the first ever Wolf of America Day.

And we're flying right over it right now. So we thought this would be appropriate.
Even bigger than the Super Bowl. It's true.
Bigger than the Super Bowl. In fact, my favorite thing about Gulf of America Day are the commercials.
It's very historic. I'm sure we'll look back on this day fondly when America is swallowed up by the rising waters of the Gulf of America.
You know, it turns out it's kind of a weird thing. Airplanes might not be the best place to make bigger than the Super Bowl announcements.
Even bigger than the Super Bowl. This is a big thing.
And almost everybody now has assented to that.

Attention on board. Ladies and gentlemen, if you could please direct your attention out the right side of the aircraft.
Air Force One is currently in international waters. The first time in history flying over the recently renamed Gulf of America.
first of all, oh my God. It shut him up, even for just a second.
I think airplane pilots must be the most powerful force in the universe. I feel like the Democrats have to get themselves an airplane pilot.

Sorry for the interruption, but you can't do that.

Maybe they'll let Schumer. Schumer will be the pilot.

But forgive me, I've forgotten. What does calling a Gulf of America do? Do we get all its fish now? Make America great again, right? That's what we care about.
Making America great again! Yeah! Poing! Everything Trump does is all part of making America great again. Order one.
Roll back everything from the previous not great administration.

Regulations on the environment.

Regulations on the Second Amendment.

The Title IX guidance.

And not just the big shit.

You want to make America great again, you can't skimp on the details.

President Trump says he's going to reverse Joe Biden's mandate to phase out plastic straws, saying, enjoy your next drink without a straw that disgustingly dissolves in your mouth. You...
Okay, he's right on this one. He...
He is right on this one. Those straws are f***ing terrible.
Objectively terrible.

I'm supposed to have some weird tissue paper dissolve in my mouth

just because turtles can't figure out

straws aren't food?

No.

Don't eat the tubes, you stupid turtles.

So Trump is making America great again

by taking us back to 2016.

But obviously, if we're going to make America great again, we can't stop in 2016.

We got to keep pushing to that place when America was truly great.

How much further back do we need to go?

So it looks like it's the 70s. Oh, like you don't know who Burt Reynolds is.
If you're going to make us great, you're going to have to roll further back than the 70s. What do you got? We're going to stop the destructive and divisive diversity, equity and inclusion.
Yeah, the 70s won't fly. 70s was all about women's lib and stonewall.
Now, my friends, we got to go back further to make America great. And ladies, when we do go back, don't worry.

It's all going to work out for you. You will no longer be thinking about abortion.

Women will be happy, healthy, confident and free. Like everything else, it's a little bit different today.
You're not allowed to say that because if you call a woman or a girl beautiful, that's the

end of your career. Oh, you can't even say, hey, sugar tits.
But ladies and gentlemen, we're going to go back to the old days with regular tits.

Not the ones that disgustingly dissolve in your mouth.

Jesus. But let's not stop in the 70s there, folks.
Not even in the... Let's keep going.
Because that sounds like the 50s, and the 50s are still too inclusive. I mean, by then, Italians and Irish were considered white.
No, that's too far.

Keep going back. America's greatness awaits.
We were the richest country in the world. We were at our riches from 1870 to 1913.
That's when we had, we were a tariff country. 1870s.

Okay. There we go.
1870s. Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew.
And of course, while America presently is still pretty f***ing rich, apologies, Luxembourg. Point taken.
Who wouldn't trade our current environment for America's 1870s tariff-driven, becandled, tuberculosis-laden, pre-industrial heyday? We were so wealthy. We had commissions set up.
What to do with all the money that we were taking in? Quick point of order, though. To the extent that we were at our richest from 1870 to 1913, it wasn't so much we as like four guys.
And we called them robber barons as a sign of affection. Meanwhile, the rest of America, the leading cause of death, was falling into a vat at work.

And it got to the point where even the robber barons realized that the only way this glorious era in American history was going to end was either full-scale f***ing revolution or reasonable

compromise, which is how we ended up with stuff like income tax and labor laws and workplace

safety guarantees. So let's really tread carefully in the greatness way back machine.

Arizona House Republican Eddie Biggs introduced a bill this week that would abolish OSHA,

a department of labor agency tasked with overseeing workplace safety.

To the vats!

And fill mine with boiling tallow boy!

What? What?

Why not just bring back child labor while you're at it?

When you talk about school lunches,

hey, I worked my way through high school.

I know about you, but I worked since I was,

before I was even 13 years old,

I was picking berries in the field

before we had child labor laws that precluded that. You were picking berries in a field before your bar mitzvah? I mean, by the way, how old are you if you were picking berries before there were child labor laws? Because you look great.
Is the key to good skin working the fields as a child? Now, I hate to bring this up, but if we are going back to the 1870s. And before, does that include every diversity initiative? Birthright citizenship was, if you look back when this was passed and made,

that was meant for the children of slaves. This was not meant for the whole world to come in,

everybody coming in, and totally unqualified people with perhaps unqualified children. Don't bring us your tired and poor huddled masses.

Do you have any mathletes?

Any doogies, Hauser?

We will take all of your Sheldons, young and old.

For those of you at home who might fear that the president's desire to take us back to our nation's historic greatness may tread into unconstitutional action. Fear not.
Because the brilliant design of our nation allows for the co-equal branch of the judiciary to stand as a bulwark against tyranny. as judged in the landmark decision of 1803 Marbury v.
Madison, which, as you know, is when James Madison lost the historic Supreme Court case to Stefan Marbury. Marbury ran him out of the building and established our foundational separation of powers.
Vice President J.D. Vance, he had some interesting words

about the separation of power and government.

He's for it?

If a judge tried to tell a general how to conduct a military operation,

that would be illegal.

If a judge tried to command the attorney general

on how to use her discretion as a prosecutor,

that's also illegal.

Judges aren't allowed to control the executive's legitimate power. Of course they're allowed to adjudicate the boundaries of that power.
That's the whole f***ing point of the judiciary, to interpret whether those powers are legitimate. You went to law school, mother f***er.
The alternative is that...

Acting! powers are legitimate. You went to Los Angeles, mother f***er.

The alternative is that acting

The only

alternative is that the executive

determines for himself what is

constitutional, at which

point there would be no guardrails

against, oh.

Hey, Congress. Hey, buddy.
You got a little separation of powers problem. I was wondering, any chance you might be reasserting your authority? Opposition party.
Democrats, you ready to do some oppositioning? There are some things we can do, but the Republicans are in the majority in the Senate and the House. We're going to need some Republicans, frankly, who are willing to lose, who are willing to be a Liz Cheney and say,

I will lose my seat to do the right thing by this country, not the right thing by Donald Trump.

I haven't seen it yet. Let's hope.
Democratic Congressman Dan Goldman of New York. That's the sales pitch.
We just need someone on their side

willing to lose everything

for progress,

like a Russian dog

being shot into space.

You can see the Democrats' backbone

on our new show,

America Backslide,

starring Dan Goldman

as hopeful loser. Introducing Instagram teen accounts.
A new way to keep your teen safer as they grow. Like making sure they always have their seatbelt on.
Alright sweetie pie, buckle up. Good job.
Or ring the bell on their bike. Okay kid, give it a try.
Nice. Or remember their elbow pads.
Knees too, okay? Yep. There you go.
New Instagram teen accounts. Automatic protections for who can contact your teen and the content they can see.
We were getting where we couldn't pay the bill. PG&E asked customers about their biggest concerns so we could address them one by one.
That's terrifying. That's fair.
Joe, Regional Vice President, PG&E. We have to run the business in a way that keeps people safe, but it starts driving costs down.
I would love to see that. We're on our way.
I hope so. PG&E electricity rates are now lower than they were last year.
Hear what other customers have to say and what PG&E is doing about it at pge.com slash open dash lines. Time is precious and so are our pets.
So time with our pets is extra precious. That's why we started Dutch.
Dutch provides 24-7 access to licensed vets with unlimited virtual visits and follow-ups for up to five pets. You can message a vet at any time and schedule a video visit the same day.
Our vets can even prescribe medication for many ailments, and shipping is always free. With Dutch, you'll get more time with your pets and year-round peace of mind when it comes to their vet care.
Donald Trump has been imposing a lot of tariffs since he took office, and if the nature and scope of these tariffs confuses you, don't worry. You're not the only one.
Thank you, sir. Next, in 2018, you imposed ad valorem duties tariffs on imports of steel at a 25 percent rate.
Since that time, a large number of exclusions and exceptions to that tariff rule have been implemented.

Because of the damage to the United States steel industry that those exceptions and exclusions have imposed,

this order would reimpose that 25% odd valorem tariff rate on imports of steel, and it's presented for your signature now.

Okay. Do you understand what that means? Do you understand what that means? I mean, why don't you tell me, President of the United States, what this means.

Explain ad valorem to me

like I was a child.

This is Trump's own policy, and he's so bored by it. And you can tell because at one point, he gets so bored, he just starts peeking into a random folder on the desk.
Hey, what's in here? Candy? Picture of boobs? What do we got? Oh, oh, oh, just more falters. Why is this guy still talking? Yesterday was a busy day at the White House.
First, Trump met with the king of Jordan, the country, Jordan. You're not the boss of me, King Abdullah II, okay? Of course, Trump invited the king to discuss his plan to displace two million people and turn Gaza into the Atlantic City of the Middle East, which sounds pretty clear-cut to me, but apparently the nitpickers in the media still have questions.
You said before that the U.S. would buy Gaza, and today you just said we're not going to buy Gaza.
We're not going to have to buy. We're not going to buy anything.
We're going to have it, and we're going to keep it, and we're going to make sure that there's going to be peace, and there's not going to be any problem, and nobody's going to question it. There's no problem, and nobody's going to question it? Trump is like a Jedi who doesn't have the force.
I'll take Gaza, nobody's going to question it. Nobody.
Is this thing working? Is this thing... But Trump has another plan to convince the haters.
A charm offensive. It's a war-torn area.
We're going to take it. We're going to hold it.
We're going to cherish it. Oh! Okay.
So it's going to be an ethnic cherishing. I got it.
Okay. Okay.
I mean, how did that start like a Mussolini speech and end as a boys to men song? We will take the land. It will be ours.
And we're going to make love to you like you want us to. And I'll hold it tight, baby, all through the nights.
And one thing I find weird about Donald Trump saying he wants to run Gaza is that from what we've seen so far, he barely wants to run the United States. For weeks, people have been raising alarms about how Trump seems to be handing way too much power over to Elon Musk.
And yesterday, Trump replied, I hear you. You want me to give more power to Elon Musk.
President Trump setting new guidelines for hiring in the federal workforce while giving more power to Elon Musk and his team at the Department of Government Efficiency, or DOGE. A new executive order directs government agencies to pursue large-scale cuts, saying they now need hiring approval from DOGE.
Yes, Elon Musk is now in charge of all government hirings. Hirings.
Hirings. Sorry.
I didn't say that right. Right.
I didn't say it right. Yeah, okay.
Okay. Sorry.
Okay. I don't know why I keep Hitler misspeaking.
I don't know why I keep misspeaking. So this was already a pretty unusual thing for a president to do.
But Trump being Trump, he had to make it even more ridiculous by introducing it with a full-on circus act in the Oval Office. Now, look at this scene.
Musk is holding court with his hands tented like a Bond villain,

probably to stop him from doing a Nazi salute,

with his...

with his four-year-old child in tow.

I mean, that poor kid.

His dad literally runs SpaceX,

and Elon took him to a meeting on federal spending.

Dad, are we gonna get to see the rockets?

No, son, we're gonna discuss budgets

because I'm a shitty dad.

I mean, everything about this event was so bizarre.

Try to get a see the rockets. No, son, we're going to discuss budgets because I'm a shitty dad.
I mean, everything about this event was so bizarre.

Trump was sitting quietly for half an hour,

retreating to his happy place,

thinking about Arnold Palmer's giant doge.

And, I mean, and who thought cloning Stephen Miller

was a good idea?

I mean, is it for spare parts?

I mean, they look like a before and even more before picture. Okay? I mean...
Okay, but, all right. Leaving aside this Renaissance painting done by the dogs playing poker guy, it's good that we have Elon Musk here, because we've been watching him slashing programs and shuttering agencies for a month now, and we can finally ask Elon, why are you doing this? If the people cannot vote and have their will be decided by their elected representatives in the form of the president and the Senate and the House, then we don't live in a democracy.
We live in a bureaucracy. So it's incredibly important that the president, the House, and the Senate decide what happens as opposed to a large unelected bureaucracy.
Wow. Wow.
I mean, you see why this guy's a genius. You don't want an unelected bureaucrat running the country.

It makes a lot of sense. No questions here.

I do have one question, though.

Isn't that you?

I mean... Am I going crazy?

Because it feels like I'm watching Drake sing

Not Like Us at karaoke.

Like, does he not know?

Remember during the campaign,

Donald Trump made some big promises

about how quickly and easily

he was going to end that war.

If I'm president, I will have that war settled in one day, 24 hours. I would tell Putin, gotta settle.
I would tell Zelensky, you gotta settle. I would get a settlement in 24 hours, no longer than one day.
I can get it ended as president-elect. I will get it settled before I even become president.
I'm gonna do a Back to the Future and end this war before it even starts.

Go back in time, kiss my mom,

maybe have sex with her.

What am I talking about?

What was I talking about?

So here we are,

one month into that first 24 hours,

and Donald Trump is finally ready to negotiate.

But it's going to be tough,

which is why he started out

with a quick warm-up negotiation first, an old-fashioned prisoner swap with Russia. Let's see how it went.
Russia freed a wrongfully detained American teacher, Mark Fogel returning to the U.S. after more than three years in Russian captivity, imprisoned for carrying a small amount of medically prescribed marijuana.
In exchange, the U.S. releasing Russian cybercrime kingpin Alexander Vinnick.
What? You traded a cybercrime kingpin for public school teacher Mark Fogle? This is like if the Dallas Mavericks traded Luka Doncic for public school teacher Mark Fogle. I mean, at least the teacher we got back is the cool teacher.
He smokes weed and he's been to jail. I mean, you know, you know he's showing movies in fourth period.
Also, Americans, stop smoking weed in Russia. If you need to relax, try not being in Russia.
Okay, okay, now that Trump got all warmed up, it's time for the main event. This morning, President Trump pledging to meet with Russian President Putin in person after announcing they've agreed to start negotiations immediately to end the war in Ukraine.
President Trump saying, quote, I just had a lengthy and highly productive phone call with President Vladimir Putin of Russia. We discussed Ukraine, the Middle East, energy, artificial intelligence, the power of the dollar, and various other subjects.
I'd like to know what those various other subjects were. I mean, it's a tad suspicious.
It's like a husband coming back

from a Vegas bachelor party saying,

yeah, we ate some great food,

we saw the sphere,

did various other things.

Anyway, you should get a prescription

for Valtrex.

So, Trump has now set the stage

for face-to-face negotiations

with Putin on the future of Ukraine. But Trump won't be going into this alone.
He also has Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth, a man who does not take no for an answer, according to police reports. So get ready, Putin, because you're about to face the toughest negotiations of your life.
Pete Hegseth, speaking at NATO headquarters during his first trip to Europe, was blunt, saying Ukraine's long-sought membership in NATO isn't realistic. Neither is thinking Ukraine can regain all the territory Russia has seized.
We must start by recognizing that returning to Ukraine's pre-2014 borders is an unrealistic objective. Measures that will likely be welcomed by Putin, prompting questions about whether Trump is giving up his leverage to negotiate with Russia.
Speaking in unusually blunt terms, the German defense minister accusing the Trump administration of making concessions to Putin before these peace negotiations have even begun. Okay, so before negotiations even start, America gave up the two things Russia most wants? I mean, how do Hank, Seth, and Trump not know how to negotiate? Between the two of them, they've been divorced 97 times.
I mean, if your opening move is giving away the house, the car, and the kids, best case scenario, you're leaving court with half of a golden retriever. I mean, no one's going to be happy with that, except for maybe RFK Jr.
But I guess there's still plenty of stuff to negotiate. For example, you know, which animal will Zelensky be fed to once the Russians take over? Probably a lion, but could be a shark, you know? There's room there.

Whichever animal it is,

he'll probably fall out of a window.

Regardless, Trump is not gonna go

driving a hard bargain on Ukraine's behalf,

and that's fine.

But as long as Ukraine is an equal member

of this peace process,

they'll get some of what they want.

Do you view Ukraine as an equal member

of this peace process?

Um, that's an interesting question. Yikes! That's like when my dentist asks if I floss.
Oh! It's an interesting question. I gotta go.
Okay. So this is not looking good for Ukraine.
Imagine not even being invited to your own peace negotiations. It's like if your wife told you she wanted a threesome and then asked what night she'll be away on business.
Have so much fun, sweetie. I'm strong enough for this.
It's okay. I had it coming after Vegas.
Now, you might think it's unfair to put Ukraine in this position after they were the ones invaded, but that's not exactly how Trump sees things. I think they have to make peace.
Their people are being killed, and I think they have to make peace. I said that was not a good war to go into.

Not a good war to go into?

They were invaded.

It wasn't their idea.

Little advice for the back of Abraham Lincoln's head.

Don't get hit by a bullet.

Not smart. Not smart.

Here.

Clearly, this is going to be a complex negotiation, and it couldn't have come at a worse time for Trump because he's also busy with his second job. Last week, he declared himself the chairman of Washington's Kennedy Center for the Arts, the government's premier arts institution.
And if you're thinking, wait, Trump is completely unqualified to think about art. Don't worry.
He brought along an equally unqualified board to help him out. He was elected by a board that he recently shook up, replacing appointees by Democratic presidents with Trump loyalists.
As for the board, it now includes Attorney General Pambandi, Second Lady Usha Vance, Chief of Staff Susie Wiles, Deputy Chief of Staff Dan Scavino, Alison Letnick, who's the Commerce Secretary's wife.

Okay, okay.

First of all, what's up with this photo?

Oh, you need a headshot of Mr. Scavino?

Unfortunately, the only picture that exists of him is from when he walked in on his parents' bumping uglies.

But hey, Donald Trump loves arts and entertainment,

and you could hear his genuine passion

in a phone call he had with the board.

I think we're going to do something very special.

It got very wokey,

and some people were not happy with it,

and some people refused to go, and we're not going to have that.

We're going to have something that will be very, very exciting,

and we'll do things both physically and in every other way

to make the building look even better.

I think we're going to make it hot.

We made the presidency hot, so this should be easy.

I'm sorry. Hot?

Only Trump would look at a building and go, eh, un****able. Let's kick things off with the war in Ukraine.
Donald Trump promised he could secure a peace deal within one day of taking office, which means he is now negative 34 days ahead of schedule. Good work, sir.
As we know, the Ukraine war began in 2022 when Putin

invaded Ukraine on three separate fronts while launching missile attacks on Ukrainian cities.

Or as Donald Trump puts it,

President Trump has made a series of false assertions blaming Ukraine for starting the war.

You should have never started it. You could have made a deal.

That's an interesting interpretation in that it's not what happened. In fact, it's the exact opposite of what happened.
And this has set off alarm bells for a lot of conservatives, including Brian Kilmeade, Trump's buddy and the Joey Tribbiani of Fox and Friends. He tried to gently push back when Trump started to blame the destruction of Ukraine on President Zelensky.
You have a man who's led a country that had the most beautiful cities that they're demolished, had the most beautiful domes. Those domes are the most beautiful in the world.
But it's all Russia's. But that's Russia's fault, though, Mr.
President. Russia did the...
They're all demolished, 1,000-year-old domes, and everything's demolished. But, Mr.
President, that's all... That's Vladimir Putin's fault, don't you agree? I get tired of listening to it.
He makes it very hard to make deals, but look what's happened to his country. It's been demolished.
But... No, no, I hear you.
Mr. President, but you know who's to blame for that.
If it won't, there's peace, Brian. Don't you think it's Vladimir Putin that did the invasion unwarranted, that tried to take back land he had no right to? And don't you think fundamentally that's that? And now both sides want to talk, it seems, so we should just get to that point? They only want to talk because of me.
But this is how off the rails Trump is. His beloved Fox News is saying,

Mr. President, you sound crazy,

and I believe DEI causes tornadoes.

And he's right, not about the DEI causing tornadoes.

We all know trans people cause tornadoes.

But about this war, under Donald Trump,

America has fully taken Russia's side, which means are we the bad guys now? Well, that didn't answer that. But I think we might be the bad guys.
It's not just Republicans who are alarmed. The entire continent of Europe is freaking the f*** out.
If the United States will help Russia take over Ukraine, who's next? Poland? Latvia? Slovenia? Slovakia? Albania? Estonia? Yeah. I got a 97 in AP geography.
Thank you. Thank you.
I would have gotten 100, but I misspelled my name. So yesterday, Europe tried to get Trump back on its side by sending over its most charismatic Trump whisperer, Emmanuel Macron of France.
And right from the start of that meeting, you could really see how he let his scar down. By the discussion on the critical miners that are ending.

Yeah, Trump just loves a French accent. Probably because it's the native tongue of his hero, Pepe Le Pew.

Something about that pervert skunk that Trump finds so relatable. But Macron's accent gives him a lot of leeway

to gently correct Trump every time he spews bullshit. money.
And this is the responsibility of Russia, because the aggressor is Russia. Europe is loaning the money to Ukraine.
They get their money back.

No, in fact, to be frank, we paid. We paid 60% of the total effort.
And it was through, like the US, loans, guarantees, grants, and we provided real money. Look at him.
Look at that smile. The guy is smitten.
Usually if someone confronts him about being wrong, he takes away their security detail, but he's letting Macron do whatever he wants. I think a sexy accent is his kryptonite.
I assumed it was vegetables, but...

To be fair, it's not just Macron.

Trump was swooning over anyone with a sexy accent.

I want to know what is your idea about Italy,

if you want to make the same thing.

Can you talk a little louder?

You have a beautiful voice, but you might...

In these days, you speak...

Where are you from?

Italy. From Italy? oh Italy I love that restaurant with the grocery store it's out now tell me which section are you from? Formaggio? Produce?

Self-checkout?

By the way, Trump is the only person on earth

who has ever asked an Italian person to talk louder.

Of course, as we saw last week,

not every accent does it for him.

Sometimes it just confuses him.

Mr. President, people in India would be welcoming

your decision to extradite the Habbo Rana India. I can't understand a word he's saying.
Dude, come on. If you don't understand what someone is saying, don't be rude and dismiss them.
Just laugh and go, oh my God, that's so crazy. Like a normal person.
I mean, is Trump sure that he wants to be president? Because this is the worst job in the

world if you don't understand accents. It's like working as an escort if you're still not 100% sure which hole it's supposed to go in.
Although, would that actually make you a great escort? I guess we'll never know. By the way, if you're wondering how tough Indian accents are for Trump, he had to get a translator for it.
Not for the language, for the accent. It is evident that how the deep state of the United States was involved in regime change.
So what is your point of view about the Bangladeshis? And what is the role that the deep state played in the situation in Bangladesh? I can't believe Doge is going around looking for inefficiencies. Meanwhile, Trump has an English-to-English translator.
But if you do have to have a translator for accents,

why does the translator also have an accent?

Maybe the plan was to have a string of translators

with slightly less of an accent

until they finally got to something Trump could process.

Eventually, it'll just be the word Bangladesh

written across the boobs of a swimsuit model. Oh, now I get it.
Anyway, back to Macron. Now, you might think that it's not wise for Europe to hinge its survival on the seductive power of Macron's accent, but Trump himself admitted that it works.
I just want to tell you a little story. So we were at the Eiffel Tower having dinner with your wonderful wife and with my wonderful wife and we came out and he started speaking the French deal.
And we didn't have an interpreter and he was going on and on and on and I was just nodding yes, yes, yes. And he really sold me out because I got back the next day that I read the papers.
I said, that's not what we said. He's a smart customer, I will tell you.
Hold on, hold on. Forget the accent.
What was going on with that handshake? Are they doing the, no, you hang up, but with their hands?

Trump has been getting some stuff done.

For example, yesterday he signed an executive order that forces hospitals to be transparent with their prices.

And look, that seems like a good idea.

And I am perfectly capable of admitting it

when Donald Trump did something good.

When Donald Trump did something good. When Donald Trump did something good.
When Donald Trump did something good. I can't say it.
I can't say it. Why is this so hard? Thank God those don't come along very often.
Of course, because it's Donald Trump, most people will never hear about this price transparency thing because at the same meeting, he seemed more interested in doing stuff like this. Do you have one of those Trump was right about everything hats? Give me this here.
Give me all of them. Look.
Yes. See that? Trump was right about everything.
It just came in. Somebody sent it.
I said, this was sent in by a fan. I said, I think we should make some of them, right? But we were pretty much.
You want one? Okay, first of all, that is way too much text, guys. If your hat needs a bookmark, it's not a good hat.
And look, I hate to quibble with the hat, but Trump wasn't right about everything.

OK, there were a couple of small things.

I don't know.

Haitian immigrants weren't eating cats and dogs.

There wasn't $50 million worth of condoms sent to Gaza.

Belgium is not a city.

The 2020 election wasn't stolen.

China doesn't.

China doesn't operate the Panama Canal, nor does it. And the best taco bowls are not made at the Trump Tower Grill.
But yes, other than that,

Trump was right about everything.

Now, I'm not trying to be a hater,

but if you're going to own a hat

with a ridiculous lie on it,

at least make it a fun, ridiculous lie.

Which is why...

I'm selling these.

Garfield did 9-11 hats.

Get yours today, before he finishes the job. But obviously Trump didn't bring everybody into the Oval Office just to sell hats.
He was there to sell something much more fancy. We're going to be selling a gold card.
You have a green card. This is a gold card.
We're going to be putting a price on that card of about $5 million, and that's going to give you green card privileges plus. Oh, oh, green card privileges plus.
See, I was still getting America with ads. Quick question.
Quick question. If I'm unhappy with America, can I cancel my subscription after seven days? I am curious.
What does this gold card do? It's going to be a route to citizenship, and wealthy people will be coming into our country by buying this card. They'll be wealthy, and they'll be successful, and they'll be spending a lot of money.
Did this guy just put a cover charge on America? It's $5 million to get in, but he'll waive it if you bring in three hot girls with you. I mean, I guess it beats the old way of becoming a citizen, which was to marry Donald Trump, but still.
I feel like immigrant stories are going to be a lot less inspiring in the future. My grandfather came to

this country with nothing but five million dollars and the clothes in his custom Louis Vuitton five

piece trunk set. Although I have to admit I don't totally hate the idea of buying your way into a

country. Hey Canada.
How you doing, girl?

I'm just going to come out and say it.

I want to be in you. And listen, I don't have $5 million, but I do have $4 and a cough drop.
And this orange hat. Let's talk about it.
Now, you might be thinking, wait a second. If the U.S.
is just going to put citizenship up for sale, doesn't that mean that any monster can buy one as long as they're rich? Well, according to Trump, mm-hmm. Would a Russian oligarch be eligible for a gold card? Yeah, possibly.
Hey, I know some Russian oligarchs that are very nice people. It's possible.
Seems like Trump watched Onora in his takeaway from that movie with, we need to do more to help out that rich Russian teenager. He's good at sex but if you're letting Russians come into the country you got to be careful okay I don't want to engage in stereotypes but if you let a Russian in then there's gonna be a smaller Russian inside of him and then even smaller Russian inside of him and on and on and on.
There's always another. Careful.

Explore more shows from

The Daily Show Podcast Universe by searching

The Daily Show, wherever you get

your podcasts. Watch The Daily

Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central

on Comedy Central and stream full

episodes anytime on Paramount Plus.