Recapping Trump's Second First 100 Days - Part 1

Speaker 1 This is an iHeart podcast.

Speaker 2 You're listening to Comedy Central.

Speaker 3 Donald J.

Speaker 3 Trump, the 45th president of the United States, a man whose licentious and felonious behavior has been well cataloged and documented, returned to the Capitol Rotunda just four short years after inspiring in that very place a day of riotous shit fit free.

Speaker 3 Return to the exact same room.

Speaker 3 Now, generally, if this were a dateline documentary, he would return to that room to express a form of repentance and maturity and acknowledgement of the pain that had been wrought on that terrible day.

Speaker 3 But in this show that we're filming now,

Speaker 3 it's to be sworn in as the 47th president of the United States. And as with most returning to the scene of the crime,

Speaker 4 it began with tea

Speaker 3 with the people you tried to steal it from.

Speaker 1 A short time ago, President Joe Biden greeted Mr.

Speaker 5 and Mrs. Trump at the White House for tea, an inaugural tradition.

Speaker 3 It's always important to keep up the tea tradition

Speaker 3 when you hand over the keys to, I'm sorry, what did you call them? Hitler?

Speaker 3 But got to to be a good host. Hey, the Wi-Fi password is White House, but I change the I to a one.

Speaker 4 I hope that's not weird.

Speaker 3 I'm not saying Biden should have done his own insurrection, but there's got to be a happy medium between storming the Capitol and would you like a crumpet?

Speaker 3 Then it was time for the swearing in on the kind of on the Bible. Yes, it turns out Trump didn't actually put his hand on the Bible.

Speaker 3 Obviously, because one or the other would burst into flames.

Speaker 3 Perhaps both. And so, ladies and gentlemen, the torch has been passed from Biden to Trump.
Yes, the torch has been passed to the same generation of Americans.

Speaker 3 Let's hear from the 47th president, fresh off the warm embrace of a tea ceremony with his predecessor.

Speaker 10 My recent election is a mandate to completely and totally reverse a horrible betrayal and all of these many betrayals that have taken place.

Speaker 10 He's right behind you.

Speaker 10 Luckily, I don't think he can hear you.

Speaker 3 Yes, the inaugural speech. followed the American tradition of a passive-aggressive transfer of power.

Speaker 3 The incoming president gets to completely shit on the outgoing president in front of that president and hopefully his spouse.

Speaker 9 In recent years, our nation has suffered greatly. Record inflation trying to socially engineer race and gender.
Disastrous invasion of our country. It's a radical and corrupt establishment.

Speaker 9 Vicious, violent, and unfair weaponization.

Speaker 10 From this moment on, America's decline is over.

Speaker 3 This is a tumultuous time in American history, filled with much uncertainty and trepidation.

Speaker 3 But it is very difficult for me to not in any way take the bait of the way he said dick line.

Speaker 3 It really did sound like he said our dick line.

Speaker 16 Like

Speaker 3 the line of our dick.

Speaker 2 So you can see America's dick line?

Speaker 3 I mean

Speaker 3 how are you going to end our dick line?

Speaker 3 With a tuck or a full reassignment?

Speaker 3 Or is this more about Fetterman's shorts? What about our dick line?

Speaker 3 I am a child.

Speaker 3 But as bad as things were, guess what, folks? Daddy's home. It's about to get a whole lot better.

Speaker 9 The golden age of America begins right now.

Speaker 10 From this day forward, our country will flourish.

Speaker 18 The American dream will soon be back and thriving like never before.

Speaker 20 We will win like never before.

Speaker 17 We will be a rich nation again. We will bring prices down,

Speaker 9 fill our strategic reserves up up again.

Speaker 18 We will drill, baby, drill.

Speaker 3 Oh, I think I just saw J.D. Vance's dick line.

Speaker 3 Drill, baby, drill.

Speaker 3 But for all the day's eerie energy, one thing stood out to America's watchdogs of democracy.

Speaker 21 We have watched as the 47th President of the United States has been sworn in, the cornerstone of democracy.

Speaker 23 This is the true transfer of power here of the current president and the former president making this walk.

Speaker 1 This process

Speaker 1 is what distinguishes the United States from a lot of other parts of the world.

Speaker 3 Yeah, it's all just normal shit. It's just another day.
It's all just normal transfer power shit. We're just going to play along like all this theater is normal.

Speaker 3 Oh, except there was one thing that might have given the game away.

Speaker 1 With just 20 minutes or so left in his presidency, we've just gotten word from President Biden that he is pardoning his brothers, their wives, his sister, other family members.

Speaker 1 He says that he is doing this because baseless and politically motivated investigations wreak havoc on the lives of individuals.

Speaker 3 That's all just normal.

Speaker 3 First of all, Biden, you're at the inauguration. Did you auto-schedule your pardons?

Speaker 3 And second of all, what the f ⁇ man?

Speaker 3 You're just pardoning your whole thing? It's not a great look. Yet like any good captain, as the ship is going down, Biden gave the order, that lifeboat is for my family.

Speaker 3 The rest of you can do just like a kind of Jack and Rose thing.

Speaker 3 One on, one off, 50-50 shot. Who gives a shit? Biden Audi.

Speaker 3 So the takeaway of this entire day was a man who tried to overthrow the government has been peacefully handed the reins of power, and the outgoing president has started a new tradition of blanket pardoning everyone in his orbit.

Speaker 3 The two men creating a magnificent snake-sucking its own dick cycle of no accountability.

Speaker 3 And then, of course, we end with the grand finale.

Speaker 3 The attack on Greenland has begun!

Speaker 26 Yesterday that dude signed over 100 executive actions.

Speaker 27 I mean look at them.

Speaker 2 He froze the federal hiring bill, something about genders.

Speaker 26 Yeah, he said Cuba's a state-sponsored terrorist now. He renamed the mountain.

Speaker 20 Dishwashers are less efficient.

Speaker 3 He can do that?

Speaker 26 Look, he has so many executive actions. They had to like scroll through the tracks like it was an ad for, like, now that's what I call MAGA.

Speaker 26 And being the showman that he was, Trump wasn't going to sign these behind the desk with a pen and paper like a nerd. Okay? No, he turned this into an arena show.

Speaker 1 At Capitol One Arena in front of a crowd of supporters, Trump putting into motion his day one actions.

Speaker 29 After President Trump signed the executive orders at a desk that was placed on stage, he had a pile of pins. Well, President Trump decided to toss the pins to some of his supporters.

Speaker 26 Wow.

Speaker 26 Whoever caught that pen is so lucky. I mean, that is going to be such a cool thing for those guys to show their kids once they get their visitation rights back.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 3 even

Speaker 26 after he got back to the White House, he just kept signing. I mean, this guy was so in the zone, he didn't even know what he was signing.

Speaker 32 What is he?

Speaker 33 Withdrawing from the World Health Organization.

Speaker 26 He's withdrawing from the World Health Organization like he's hearing the dessert options.

Speaker 3 No, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 26 I'll have the Tiramisu and potential measles outbreak with that.

Speaker 26 I mean, if you could put anything in front of him yesterday, he would have signed it. Melania, now it's a chance to update the prenup.

Speaker 3 Go, go, go, go.

Speaker 26 But you know.

Speaker 26 But you know what? I'm not going to be shitting on President Trump, okay? Okay, sure, he pulled out of the WHO, but like, who are those guys?

Speaker 26 What are the odds there's ever going to be a pandemic requiring global cooperation? So I'm going to go to President Trump with an open mind.

Speaker 26 You know, he won the election, which means he's a great guy who's right.

Speaker 26 So I'm sure his executive orders are reasonable.

Speaker 1 Trump pulled the U.S. out of the Paris Climate Accords.

Speaker 3 Okay, okay, look, he, I know that sounds bad for these woke liberals, but like, does it really matter?

Speaker 26 You know, one year we're in, next year we're out.

Speaker 26 Also, news flash, Paris Accord, yo, we're not gonna reach the emission goals anyway, okay?

Speaker 3 This world is over.

Speaker 26 It's just an excuse to go to Paris, which overrated. Okay, so fine, he's taking us out of anything that involves the rest of the world.

Speaker 26 Okay, I'm sure there's other executive orders that aren't any worse.

Speaker 1 Among the many executive orders President Trump signed on Monday was this one, pausing the TikTok ban for 75 days. He says the United States should broker a deal to own half of the platform.

Speaker 36 I think the U.S.

Speaker 32 should be entitled to get half of TikTok.

Speaker 14 And congratulations, TikTok has a good partner.

Speaker 3 See?

Speaker 26 Yo, he brought back TikTok just as my brain was regaining its higher order functions. I mean, oh my god, that was close.

Speaker 26 Now, if you remember, TikTok was originally banned because everyone thinks it gives China too much influence over Americans.

Speaker 26 And to be fair, before I started using TikTok, I was a white guy from Iowa, okay?

Speaker 3 But

Speaker 3 the point...

Speaker 26 The point is the people have spoken, okay?

Speaker 37 We want China to change our brains.

Speaker 26 What absolute idiot even thought of banning it in the first place?

Speaker 38 We're looking at TikTok.

Speaker 16 We may be banning TikTok.

Speaker 26 Okay, yeah, thank you, President Trump, for saving us from that guy.

Speaker 26 What I'm saying is, all these executive orders aren't bad, okay? I mean, what else is he doing?

Speaker 25 And Trump is going to try, through executive order, to end birthright citizenship. It's a constitutional right that those born on American soil are U.S.

Speaker 25 citizens, regardless of their parents' immigration status.

Speaker 26 Okay, okay, that that does sound like a major change. Birthright citizenship has been in the Constitution for over 100 years.
But on the other hand, should you just be a U.S.

Speaker 26 citizen just because you were born here? I mean, I think all citizens should have to prove that they're truly American by taking a quiz on American history and failing it.

Speaker 16 Okay?

Speaker 16 If your score

Speaker 26 If your score is above 60, you're going back to Asia or whatever shithole country has educational standards.

Speaker 26 And to be fair, nothing too extreme so far. I mean, it sounds like there's a campaign Trump that says things to win, and then there's a President Trump who rules more moderately.

Speaker 1 Overnight, with the stroke of a pen, President Trump issuing sweeping pardons to nearly all of the rioters charged for their actions on January 6th.

Speaker 12 So this is January 6th.

Speaker 1 Trump even granting clemency to the more than 600 people charged with assaulting or resisting law enforcement.

Speaker 26 Okay, look, freeing violent criminals from prison seems less moderate and more like something Bane did, okay?

Speaker 26 But you know what? If you know your history in that situation, Batman fixed it, okay?

Speaker 20 So

Speaker 26 concerns are overblown.

Speaker 26 And look, these guys have been in prison for like two whole months already.

Speaker 3 Okay,

Speaker 27 I'm sure they've learned their lesson.

Speaker 1 Jacob Chancellor, we know him as also the QAnon shaman, he put out something on social media where he said, I got a pardon, baby. Thank you, President Trump.

Speaker 1 Now I am going to buy some mother effing guns.

Speaker 26 It's almost the end of Trump's first week in office, and he's done a lot. He shut down windmills, he saved TikTok, he caught common San Diego.
And

Speaker 26 the man just can't stop, won't stop. On Monday, he wiped out all federal DEI programs.

Speaker 26 And yesterday, he ordered that if anyone, anyone, if you see anyone trying to be inclusive, you better tell a teacher.

Speaker 1 The Trump administration asking federal workers to snitch on their coworkers in a rollback of diversity, equity, and inclusion programs.

Speaker 1 Employees have been told to report any colleagues who work in diversity, equity, and inclusion roles, or they could face consequences.

Speaker 1 NBC News obtained emails sent to multiple agencies that say some of these programs are disguised using coded or imprecise language.

Speaker 26 Yeah, you hear that?

Speaker 3 Don't even think about doing DEI in secret, right?

Speaker 26 Don't be meeting up in back alleys like, yo, yo, you got any lesbian resumes for me today?

Speaker 26 And I know you think DI was only invented in 2020 by Democrats looking for a fresh new way to lose elections, but Donald Trump is dedicated to rooting out DEI all throughout history.

Speaker 36 One of the president's executive orders revokes an executive order signed by President Lyndon Johnson in 1965 that the Trump administration says mandated affirmative action.

Speaker 26 That's right. Donald Trump went back in time to kill baby DEI.
It's kind of impressive that he got this much focus.

Speaker 26 Trump is doing deep dives into these obscure old policies like he's MAGA John Oliver.

Speaker 3 And look,

Speaker 26 I'm not going to pretend to know more about civil rights law than Donald Trump. I mean, he's been sued over it many times.
But

Speaker 26 if a discrimination law has been around since 1965, it might be a load-bearing civil rights thing, so maybe don't touch it. But DEI is not the only thing Trump is shutting down.

Speaker 26 He's also shutting down illegal immigration. In fact, it was probably the biggest thing he talked about during the campaign aside from Arnold Palmer's penis, which is actually a thing that happened.

Speaker 26 But today, Trump faced his first setback.

Speaker 1 Breaking news out of Seattle, a federal judge has just temporarily blocked President Trump's order attempting to end birthright citizenship.

Speaker 1 The judge in this case is saying that they have been on the bench for over four decades. And this is a quote from the judge inside the courtroom.

Speaker 1 I can't remember another case where the question presented is as clear as this one. This is a blatantly unconstitutional order.

Speaker 3 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Speaker 26 What does the Constitution have to do with this?

Speaker 26 The Constitution is for gun stuff, okay?

Speaker 20 Who died and make this woke activist a judge, huh?

Speaker 3 Oh,

Speaker 3 Ronald Reagan.

Speaker 26 That liberal cuck.

Speaker 26 This judge, this judge has been judging for four decades and has never seen something, and I quote, so blatantly unconstitutional. I mean, that's like the judge equivalent of a Kendrick diss track.

Speaker 20 Like, all the other judges were like, oh, shit!

Speaker 3 We concur!

Speaker 26 Usually the judge says this is constitutional or unconstitutional. Okay, but this is like next level unconstitutional.

Speaker 26 This is like if you took a pregnancy test and it said you are the least pregnant anyone's ever been in 40 years.

Speaker 26 But Trump doesn't expect all these executive orders to pass legal scrutiny. He's signing those things the way like guys swipe right on every Tinder profile.

Speaker 26 Yo, he just needs one or two to hit and that's the weekend, baby.

Speaker 26 The point is Trump is going to try whatever he can to shut the border down. And last night Trump sat down for some conversation and light man spreading with Sean Hannity to explain why.

Speaker 1 In an Oval Office sit-down last night, President Trump repeated false claims that other countries are sending their prisoners here.

Speaker 41 They've emptied their jails.

Speaker 6 I would, if I were the president or prime minister or something of another country, I'd empty my jails right into America.

Speaker 35 You did do that

Speaker 35 like

Speaker 35 three days ago

Speaker 35 with the

Speaker 20 Gen 6 thing, remember?

Speaker 26 That guy handed you all those Cheesecake Factory menus and you signed them all?

Speaker 27 That was the thing.

Speaker 26 But look, Trump doesn't care whether migrants are technically criminals or not. because he can tell just by looking at them.

Speaker 42 Sean, who would ask for open borders with people pouring in, some of whom, I won't get into it, but you can look at them and you can say, could be trouble. Could be trouble.

Speaker 42 There are people coming in with tattoos all over their face.

Speaker 12 Their entire face is covered with tattoos.

Speaker 6 Typically, you know he's not going to be the head of the local bank.

Speaker 26 Breaking news, old man not fan of tattoos.

Speaker 20 And yeah, probably the guys with face tattoos aren't going to to be bankers.

Speaker 26 But maybe bankers should have face tattoos. I mean, one teardrop for every loan application they've denied.

Speaker 3 Hey, stay clear of JP Morgan.

Speaker 20 That guy's loco.

Speaker 24 Friday night massacre.

Speaker 1 Late Friday night purge.

Speaker 3 A chilling purge. The purge.

Speaker 3 Trump has ushered in the purge.

Speaker 3 I for one.

Speaker 3 I for one will take full advantage by doing some unpermitted lawn work.

Speaker 3 No, God is powerless.

Speaker 3 Although, just in case I'm misinterpreting,

Speaker 3 what is this purge about exactly?

Speaker 1 Breaking news, the mass firing of government agency watchdog Trump fired at least 17 inspectors general no

Speaker 3 he got rid of 17 inspectors general

Speaker 3 that only leaves no one knows how many left

Speaker 3 I have no idea

Speaker 3 Oh, I'm sorry, did I break the illusion?

Speaker 3 You don't, you know, here's a nice thing, you know, you don't know if that's the axe or my desk.

Speaker 3 Which one is fake?

Speaker 3 I'll never tell.

Speaker 3 The point is,

Speaker 3 we have 17 less inspectors general.

Speaker 3 Who knows how many generals will now go uninspected?

Speaker 3 Democrats, inspire my anger in the least charismatic way possible.

Speaker 44 Donald Trump's decision to fire 12 of the federal government's independent watchdogs is a glaring sign that it's a golden age.

Speaker 44 And Donald Trump's decision to fire 12 of the federal government's independent watchdogs is a glaring sign that it's a golden age for abuse in government and even corruption.

Speaker 3 He started again, right?

Speaker 3 He said it twice.

Speaker 3 Like, no recognition, just f ⁇ ing started again.

Speaker 3 Is that what happened? Normally, humans in that scenario would go, oh God, I'm sorry,

Speaker 3 where was I? Let me take that from the top and maybe this time I'll look up.

Speaker 3 Can

Speaker 3 Can you legally just restart without acknowledgement? Is Schumer AI? Is he deep seek?

Speaker 3 But regardless of how slowly NPC Chuck Schumer

Speaker 3 laid it out,

Speaker 3 what Trump did violated the law. He can't just fire these people.

Speaker 29 Title V, Section 403 of the U.S.

Speaker 3 Code, Federal Law, an Inspector General, may be removed by the president.

Speaker 3 What?

Speaker 3 So what's the purge? What's the mouth? Why do I have an axe?

Speaker 46 There is a specific law that requires notice, 30 days, and a statement of reasons, substantive and detailed rationale.

Speaker 3 What? I'm sorry, what?

Speaker 3 Oh, apparently you can fire them, but you have to give them 30 days notice.

Speaker 3 Oh, so that's what we're upset about? No!

Speaker 3 You can do it, but not in that font!

Speaker 3 That's Hitler's font!

Speaker 3 But this is the cycle we find ourselves in. First law of trumpodynamics.

Speaker 3 Every action is met with a very not equal overreaction, thus throwing off our ability to know when shit is actually getting real. Like last week's pardons.
These pardons are sick.

Speaker 47 They are offensive. They are un-American.

Speaker 1 This is one of the most egregious, despicable acts in American history.

Speaker 24 This is textbook authoritarian takeover 101.

Speaker 3 I knew I should have taken that class

Speaker 3 and not majored in submissive liberal crying 101. Oh,

Speaker 3 do what you will,

Speaker 3 Trumpy ski.

Speaker 3 Was it shitty? Yes. Should you have let some of those terrible people? No.

Speaker 3 Is it an abuse of pardon power? I don't know.

Speaker 3 But that is his constitutional power. Again, for some reason, we have given presidents the power of a king.

Speaker 3 And then we say, oh, by the way, with that power, you're not going to get all like kingly and shit on us, right?

Speaker 3 To put that in constitutional terms, if I could, don't hate the player.

Speaker 3 Hate the founding fathers.

Speaker 3 Why do we even have it?

Speaker 3 Because I don't know if you've met Donald Trump. He pushes shit.

Speaker 1 President Trump deploying executive action to end birthright citizenship.

Speaker 44 This unconstitutional, un-American

Speaker 24 attack, shredding our Constitution.

Speaker 48 He was to be a strongman authoritarian.

Speaker 3 Birthright citizenship was very specifically tailored to send a message to people that America was a place, an idea. It wasn't for one race.
It wasn't for one gender.

Speaker 3 Citizenship in America was based on where you were, not who you were.

Speaker 3 And to just stroke of a pen, finally I agree.

Speaker 3 That is authoritarian.

Speaker 21 We do begin tonight with the federal judge blocking President Trump's executive order that would end birthright citizenship.

Speaker 4 And we're back.

Speaker 4 See how easy that was?

Speaker 3 It was a dictatorship, and then the judge went,

Speaker 3 it's like when you have an electric fence.

Speaker 3 You never check it, and you're not really sure if it works.

Speaker 3 Because you have a good boy.

Speaker 3 You have a very good boy. But then one day, zap!

Speaker 3 By the way, I fundamentally disagree with the use of electric fences.

Speaker 3 It is true. I prefer to discipline my dogs with a series of passive-aggressive comments about their weight.

Speaker 3 Really tearing through the bowl tonight, huh?

Speaker 3 Take a breath, Tubbs.

Speaker 3 It's called Kibble, not gobble.

Speaker 3 By the way, my dog's name is Tubbs.

Speaker 3 Anyway, birthright citizenship is back!

Speaker 13 No, obviously we'll appeal it.

Speaker 3 Damn you constitutionally enshrined judicial review of executive action and its relief through the appellate process.

Speaker 3 Look, we are facing a deluge of these executive actions, and certainly we must be prepared for those most vulnerable to the consequences of these actions.

Speaker 3 But the this is all fascist argument has become almost a reflex for the left.

Speaker 24 Donald Trump promised to be a dictator on day one, and he's carried that forward through the entire week.

Speaker 5 Five days into this administration, the abuse is already rampant.

Speaker 1 Throughout the rest of the week, shredding the Constitution as he went. On a fascism scale of one to ten, with ten being peak fascism, how would you rate Trump's first week?

Speaker 3 On the scale of Mussolini to the Holocaust.

Speaker 3 You know, I would say it's not fascism. Do I not understand what fascism is?

Speaker 3 And also, if I may, and this may be petty, why are we asking someone who at the end of January still has his Christmas trio?

Speaker 3 Why are we asking him anything?

Speaker 24 Donald Trump was busy getting our military in shape so he can finally fulfill our country's month-old dream of conquering Greenland. And first, we're going to need to have as many troops as possible.

Speaker 19 President Trump has signed several executive orders to reshape the military, including a directive banning transgender service members.

Speaker 24 Okay, did I say as many troops? I mean fewer troops, right? You know what they say in the Army, less is more.

Speaker 3 Look,

Speaker 24 maybe they don't say that. I don't know, but that's.

Speaker 24 Look, I don't have a problem with transgender soldiers.

Speaker 24 As someone who pees himself anytime he hears a loud noise, I think we should be grateful to anyone who's willing to put their life on the line so I don't have to.

Speaker 3 But hey, yeah,

Speaker 3 okay.

Speaker 24 But I'm open-minded about being closed-minded, so what's the issue here?

Speaker 22 President Trump signed an executive order calling transgender people unfit to serve.

Speaker 1 One part says being transgender is quote not consistent with the humility and selflessness required of a service member.

Speaker 22 Another says being trans conflicts with quote an honorable truthful and disciplined lifestyle even in one's personal life.

Speaker 24 Yeah well look you know it makes sense that the military has to be honorable truthful and disciplined. You know sure

Speaker 24 this is your Secretary of Defense but

Speaker 3 that's all the more reason

Speaker 24 that the rest of them have to have their shit together.

Speaker 24 It's like how every Beatles album had to be packed with hits to make up for that one song that Ringo wrote about wanting to fing an octopus or whatever.

Speaker 24 I gotta say, the military sure has a lot of ethical rules for their mission of killing people.

Speaker 3 Hey, you want to blow some guy's head off?

Speaker 24 You better say please and thank you.

Speaker 24 But to be fair, Trump had another argument against trans soldiers as well.

Speaker 52 They specifically cite readiness with transition surgeries.

Speaker 52 If you have a transition surgery, the recovery time and the narcotics that you have to be on as part of the process could affect your readiness for up to 12 months.

Speaker 2 Oh, up to 12 months.

Speaker 24 Do you know how long our wars last?

Speaker 24 I think they'll have you back

Speaker 24 in the game in no time. Vietnam War, 11 years.
Afghanistan War, 20 years. Even our storage wars last 15 seasons.

Speaker 24 First of all, transgender people make up 0.1% of the military.

Speaker 24 So, Commander-in-Chief, you're ruining the lives of people who are dedicated to serving America while doing nothing to affect the larger military.

Speaker 24 I don't see why a transition surgery should affect readiness more than any other surgery. Trump is acting like they're doing transition surgeries on the front lines.

Speaker 2 Medic!

Speaker 50 I need a medic over here. We got to get this guy a labia.

Speaker 20 Stat!

Speaker 24 Also, what do you mean readiness? Modern war is just telling a drone to drop bombs. Pretty sure it doesn't matter what your sex is to go like this.

Speaker 16 That's how they drop bombs.

Speaker 24 But Trump isn't just doing bad things to good people, he's also doing good things to bad people.

Speaker 24 It's been a week since he pardoned everyone who had a normal tourist visit to the Capitol on January 6th, and I'm sure they're making the most of their second chance, right?

Speaker 53 A man pardoned by President Trump for his role in the January 6th riot was shot and killed by an Indiana deputy during a traffic stop.

Speaker 9 Okay, well, except for that guy.

Speaker 24 I mean, that guy really wasted a presidential pardon. Am I?

Speaker 24 Look, if I ever get a presidential pardon, I'll tell you, I'll tell you what I'm not going to do. I'm not going to get shot to death.

Speaker 24 So, what exactly happened there?

Speaker 53 Police say the deputy tried to arrest Matthew Huddle on Sunday, but he resisted and the deputy shot him. Investigators say Huddle had a gun.

Speaker 3 Hmm.

Speaker 24 A routine traffic stop ending in the police shooting a man they claimed had a gun. Ordinarily, this is the kind of thing liberals would cry police brutality.
But if it's a January 6th, sir,

Speaker 50 you know,

Speaker 24 I have a feeling they're going to be like, oh, look, we need to back the blue on this one.

Speaker 24 Liberals are getting so much whiplash trying to decide if this cop is bad or good, Rachel Maddow is going to be the neck brace.

Speaker 24 But aside from the ones who are dead, all the rest of the January 6th writers who Trump released from prison must be so happy right now.

Speaker 1 Houston authorities are trying to find a man pardoned by Donald Trump for his role in the January 6th riots. Andrew Take is wanted for a 2016 charge of a solicitation of a minor.

Speaker 24 Okay, well,

Speaker 35 not that guy also.

Speaker 50 But stop.

Speaker 24 But look, any group as large as the January 6th crowd is going to have one sex creep in it.

Speaker 20 You know, there's probably one in our audience right now.

Speaker 24 Raise your hand if you're a sex creep.

Speaker 24 That guy in the plaid shirt, that woman,

Speaker 3 sir, come on.

Speaker 24 The point is all the rest of the partners are, they're fine, they're doing fine.

Speaker 48 A Mitt Hillman who pleaded guilty to his involvement in January 6th is possibly facing other charges. Court documents show David Daniel is facing child pornography charges.

Speaker 3 Wait, wait, wait, wait. What?

Speaker 24 I'm starting to worry that the people who broke into the Capitol and took a shit on Nancy Pelosi's desk are not upstanding citizens.

Speaker 51 You know what?

Speaker 24 Forget about those two pedophiles.

Speaker 21 Andrew Kyle Grigsby of Louisville, who was pardoned for spraying Capitol Police with bear spray, is currently incarcerated in a Kentucky prison for two counts of child pornography.

Speaker 3 Jesus Christ!

Speaker 20 At this point, it might have been better for them just to stay in prison, you know?

Speaker 24 At least then they were heroes. now they're all going to individual prisons for child pornography like so uh do you guys have a choir

Speaker 24 trump's been busy these last few days signing orders reinstalling the diet coke button grabbing panama by the canal but it was only a matter of time until he had to start presidenting for real This morning, he held a press conference to address the tragic plane crash in Washington, D.C.

Speaker 3 last night.

Speaker 24 And remember, one of the most important things a leader can do in a rapidly developing, difficult situation is to calm people down, stick to the facts, and keep your uninformed opinions to yourself.

Speaker 6 We do not know what led to this crash, but we have some very strong opinions and ideas, and I think we'll probably state those opinions now.

Speaker 3 I mean, or we can just speculate wildly.

Speaker 3 Why not?

Speaker 24 I get a little bit nervous when Trump has a strong opinion. You know, it's never something unifying, like sunsets are beautiful, or love is the answer.

Speaker 19 But

Speaker 24 this is a new term, and he's only a few days in, so let's give him the benefit of the doubt. What's Trump's opinion about what happened in D.C.?

Speaker 55 The FAA's diversity push, a big push to put diversity into the FAA's program.

Speaker 6 The agency's guidance on diversity hiring.

Speaker 56 The FAA's diversity and inclusion hiring plan.

Speaker 24 Damn you, diversity initiatives. Why are you responsible for every historical tragedy? The fires in Los Angeles, DEI.
The bridge collapse in Baltimore, DEI. The Irish potato famine, DEI.

Speaker 24 Slavery, DEI.

Speaker 24 Did you ever notice how many minorities were at slavery?

Speaker 28 It's all DEI.

Speaker 24 Just to be clear, Mr. President, you have evidence that diversity initiatives are responsible for this tragic crash.

Speaker 3 You're not just saying this, right?

Speaker 3 Right?

Speaker 23 I'm trying to figure out how you can come to the conclusion right now that diversity had something to do with this crash.

Speaker 10 Because I have common sense.

Speaker 3 There you go. No, no, no, no.
There you go.

Speaker 28 There you go. He has common sense.

Speaker 24 It's just a coincidence that his common sense happens to align with his long-held prejudices. So let's spin the big wheel of blame to see which minorities are responsible for this crash.

Speaker 17 Who will it be this time?

Speaker 24 Black people, lesbians, trans Armenians?

Speaker 15 The FAA is actively recruiting workers who suffer severe intellectual disabilities, psychiatric problems, and other mental and physical conditions under a diversity and inclusion hiring initiative.

Speaker 14 They include hearing, vision, missing extremities, partial paralysis, complete paralysis, epilepsy, and dwarfism.

Speaker 3 Dwarfism?

Speaker 3 I can't believe it.

Speaker 24 It's only day 10 and Trump is already this far down his list of scapegoats. He's blown past race and gender and now he's hitting dwarves?

Speaker 24 Is he really suggesting there was a plane crash because someone with dwarfism worked in air traffic control? Does Trump think they couldn't see the control panel and they were just

Speaker 24 reaching up and pushing buttons, hoping it would work out?

Speaker 3 Hold on.

Speaker 24 I just want to say that people with dwarfism are just like everyone else. In fact, their penises are normal size.

Speaker 2 Which means proportionally they're huge.

Speaker 24 So in a way, you could say that I'm the one looking up to them.

Speaker 39 That's a thinker.

Speaker 24 That's a thinker.

Speaker 3 A lot of different layers in there.

Speaker 24 You might be thinking, well, that's progress. You know, he used to blame everything on past administrations, but don't worry, he got them in there too.

Speaker 6 We had a very good policy, and then Biden came in and he changed it, and Biden went by a standard that's the exact opposite.

Speaker 56 The FAA,

Speaker 14 which is overseen by Secretary Pete Buticek,

Speaker 15 a real winner. You know how badly everything's run since he's run the Department of Transportation? Obama, Biden, and the Democrats, they put

Speaker 6 politics at a level that nobody's

Speaker 32 ever seen.

Speaker 15 I changed the Obama standards from very mediocre at best to extraordinary.

Speaker 3 I'm sorry.

Speaker 24 You're blaming Obama?

Speaker 2 The guy from three presidents ago?

Speaker 24 Forget blaming a fart on your dog. This is blaming the fart on your dog that died when you were eight.

Speaker 24 I still think about you, Henry.

Speaker 24 Such stinky farts you had.

Speaker 3 Look, Mr.

Speaker 24 President, I know you're scared that people might hold you responsible now that you're president because you're the president, Mr.

Speaker 2 President.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 24 it's time to just be a man, okay?

Speaker 24 Real men don't point fingers. Real men find solutions.
Real men show leadership. Real men moisturize.
Guys, you got to take care of your skin. You got to take care of your skin.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 24 The skin is the biggest organ on the body.

Speaker 24 Unless you're a dwarf, then it's the second biggest.

Speaker 1 We all know Donald Trump isn't a details kind of guy. We elected him to come up with big, brilliant ideas like renaming the Gulf of Mexico.

Speaker 1 No one else could have thought of that or should have thought of that. But it's okay that he's not big on details because during the campaign he promised us that he knew a guy.

Speaker 41 I'm going to appoint Elon Musk, who's a fantastic guy, to lead a government efficiency commission tasked with saving trillions of dollars in fraud, waste, and abuse. We have tremendous fat.

Speaker 42 Tremendous fat.

Speaker 1 Don't take the bait, Desi. Don't take the bait.
Be the bigger person. Be the bigger person.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 That's right. Elon Musk, the world's richest man and guy who cheers in the wrong parts of saving private Ryan.

Speaker 1 Trump promised us that he'd give Elon full access to the federal government, pull it to the side, and get all up in it.

Speaker 1 And unlike his wedding vows, this is a promise he kept. Elon Musk's sweeping push to make over the federal government, sparking Democratic panic and warnings of a constitutional crisis.

Speaker 39 Now we have learned that his team has gained access to something extraordinarily sensitive: the system that the Treasury Department uses to disperse almost every check and expenditure of any kind made by the U.S.

Speaker 39 government.

Speaker 1 That is a vast database with millions of Americans' personal information on it.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Elon Musk has access to your social security number and that is not cool. If you want our personal data, Elon, you go buy it off the dark web like everyone else, okay?

Speaker 1 Now you might be thinking, I don't want white nationalist Tony Stark to have sole control of the inner workings of the federal government, but relax. It's not just Elon.
He has a fully equipped team.

Speaker 1 Longtime government employees this week were shocked to find that their new supervisors from Elon Musk's Doge department include recent college and high school graduates between 19 and 24 years old.

Speaker 1 One of the young men is apparently a former intern at Musk's Neuralink company who goes by the online handle Big Balls.

Speaker 1 Great! Big Balls has my social security number. Now I feel better.
But Elon Musk isn't the only one having people finger banging their eggs florentine with excitement.

Speaker 1 Donald Trump is also reducing the government workforce, although his interests seem to be less about cost cutting and more about sweet, sweet revenge.

Speaker 37 Tremendous unrest inside the FBI as prosecutors and agents who worked on the January 6th investigation are being targeted.

Speaker 39 It looks like a wholesale purge of the FBI. As you know, already the eight top officials at the Federal Bureau of Investigation have either been fired or forced to resign.

Speaker 39 Now the FBI is being asked to produce a list of every employee who worked on any case related to January 6th. I am told this is some 6,000 FBI employees all told.

Speaker 1 What the

Speaker 1 these agents were doing their job enforcing the law and now they're getting fired? That is not how it works. I cannot believe I have to explain firing to the star of the apprentice.

Speaker 1 That was your whole fake job. job.

Speaker 1 And this is obviously just the beginning because Trump is going to be targeting everyone that's ever come after him. And I just want to say, I'm not scared.
So, Mr. Trump, bring it on, okay?

Speaker 1 Bring it on.

Speaker 1 That's coming from me, Jordan Klepper, K-L-E-P-P-E-R.

Speaker 1 This morning, a stunning proposal from an American president, Donald Trump, with the Israeli prime minister by his side, declaring that the U.S.

Speaker 24 will take over the Gaza Strip.

Speaker 8 The U.S. will take over the Gaza Strip.

Speaker 3 We'll own it.

Speaker 1 Okay, let me just ask, what? And also, what?

Speaker 45 President Trump made a surprising suggestion last night during a press conference with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu.

Speaker 45 The United States, he said, should take over the war-torn Gaza Strip and redevelop it into something like a seaside resort.

Speaker 7 We have an opportunity to do something that could be phenomenal. And I don't want to be cute.

Speaker 9 I don't want to be a wise guy, but the Riviera of the Middle East.

Speaker 9 What the f family is going to turn Gaza into the Riviera?

Speaker 1 He couldn't even turn Atlantic City into a nicer Atlantic city.

Speaker 1 If anything, they tore down so many of his casinos, he turned Atlantic City into Gaza.

Speaker 1 But okay, he wants to rebuild it and he wants to turn it into Mar-a-Lago. At least the Palestinians will have a place to go back to.

Speaker 1 Donald Trump calling for the permanent resettlement of roughly 2 million Palestinians.

Speaker 7 I don't think people should be going back to Gaza. I think that Gaza has been very unlucky for them.

Speaker 1 And he says he's willing to use the U.S. military to do it.

Speaker 32 We'll do what is necessary.

Speaker 10 If it's necessary, we'll do that.

Speaker 1 Okay, just so I'm clear, your idea is to take over Gaza, rebuild it into Mar-a-Lago, and make sure that the Palestinians who live there can't go back?

Speaker 1 That is the craziest thing he said since yesterday and until tomorrow.

Speaker 1 Even his chief of staff was shocked.

Speaker 3 Look at that. Look at her face.

Speaker 1 She looks just like she won Best Country Album at the Grammy.

Speaker 1 And of course she's shocked. He's effectively advocating for ethnic cleansing.
Who could possibly be okay with that?

Speaker 3 You see things

Speaker 60 others refuse to see.

Speaker 60 You say things others refuse to say. You know, and after the jaws drop,

Speaker 60 people scratch their heads and they say, you know,

Speaker 34 he's right.

Speaker 1 No, they usually scratch their heads and they say, what the f are you talking about?

Speaker 1 Of course, Beebe is ecstatic at Trump's idea. Look at him.
He looks happier than a teenager getting a hand job in the back of a birthright bus.

Speaker 1 But BB aside, this proposal is giving a lot of people whiplash. Trump ran his whole campaign on America first, and now he's out there chanting from the Riviera to the sea.

Speaker 1 Yesterday, Donald Trump unveiled his big plan to relocate Gazans and turn their homeland into the world's holiest hard rock hotel and casino.

Speaker 1 And today, the reviews are in. The Arab world hates it, Democrats condemn it, Republicans have problems with it, and the Palestinians won't abide by it.
Or as Trump says,

Speaker 3 obviously.

Speaker 59 Everybody loves it.

Speaker 1 I stand corrected. I guess everybody loves it.
And even though the plan was totally perfect in every way, his staff spent the entire next day walking back every single part of it.

Speaker 1 The president said his intention was to remove Palestinians from Gaza permanently.

Speaker 9 If we can get a beautiful area to resettle people permanently.

Speaker 1 But today, the press secretary said it would be temporary. The president has made it clear that they need to be temporarily relocated out of Gaza for the rebuilding of this effort.

Speaker 1 Trump's press secretary just had her first walk back.

Speaker 1 This is an important rite of passage for Trump's spokespeople. They're bull mitzvah, if you will.

Speaker 1 She was spending so much time walking back the plan that at one point she ran out of English words. This is an unhabitable place for human beings.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so true. Remind me how it got unhabilitable again?

Speaker 1 Even worse for Caroline, while she was scrambling to salvage Trump's plan, Trump was on Truth Social readjusting it on the fly, which left everybody even more confused.

Speaker 26 Breaking just a short time ago, President Trump seemed to backtrack, but also to double down on his plan to take over Gaza.

Speaker 1 A backtrack and a double down?

Speaker 1 And now, on the uneven bars, Donald Trump will attempt the rare combination

Speaker 1 backtrack double down.

Speaker 1 Let's see if he breaks every bone in his body.

Speaker 1 But while his team tries to fix his Gaza plan, Donald Trump has already moved on because he's basically the norovirus.

Speaker 1 Every day he spews executive orders all over the place and while we struggle to clean up all the puke, he comes out the other end with something even worse.

Speaker 1 He tried to buy out the entire workforce of the CIA. His DOJ is going after anyone who's investigated him.
And now he has defeated America's biggest threat.

Speaker 1 At the White House today, President Trump's signing an executive order banning transgender women and girls from competing in women's sports.

Speaker 56 With this executive order, the war on women's sports is over.

Speaker 14 We're putting every school receiving taxpayer dollars on notice that if you let men take over women's sports teams or

Speaker 8 invade your locker rooms, you will be investigated for violations of Title IX and risk your federal funding.

Speaker 1 You notice how we paused right before invade your locker rooms? Like, maybe we won't make that illegal. Should have proofread this.

Speaker 1 Look, it's bad enough that he's banned trans women from sports, but spare us the performance of pretending that this is a top issue for women in this country.

Speaker 1 Maybe start with, I don't know, reproductive rights or pay inequality.

Speaker 1 Or why it's 2025 and still none of my clothes have pockets.

Speaker 1 Now you might be wondering, is this really going to be the entire Trump presidency, just divisive executive orders every day for the next four years?

Speaker 1 Probably, but on the bright side, he did have one executive order today that felt relatively harmless.

Speaker 8 I have signed an executive order to resume the process of creating a new national park full of statues of the greatest Americans who ever lived.

Speaker 8 It will be called the National Garden of American Heroes, and I hope that Congress will fully fund this wonderfully unifying project at the first possible opportunity.

Speaker 1 Excuse me, sir. Americans already have a national garden and it sells unlimited breadsticks.

Speaker 1 I never thought I'd say this, but Elon, I got some government waste for you right here.

Speaker 1 Does anyone have the phone number of the Department of Government Efficiency? Actually, they're all 12-year-olds. Does anyone have the Roblox usernames of the Department of Government Efficiency?

Speaker 3 Here's, and I'm going to drop some knowledge here. No one really cared about the game because of the earth-shattering announcement that had been made moments prior.

Speaker 58 You know, we're flying over right now, we're flying over a thing called the Gulf of America, and I'm signing a proclamation, and perhaps you could define that.

Speaker 3 First of all, why do you fly around in a Hyatt hotel room?

Speaker 3 Second of all, define proclamation?

Speaker 3 You don't know what a proclamation... Or do you just want her to say what the actual proclamation...
I'm sorry, I interrupted. Go ahead.

Speaker 1 This is a proclamation declaring today, February 9th, 2025, as the first ever Gulf of America Day.

Speaker 18 And we're flying right over it right now.

Speaker 58 So we thought this would be appropriate.

Speaker 58 Even bigger than the Super Bowl.

Speaker 3 It's true. Bigger than the Super Bowl.
In fact, my favorite thing about Gulf of America Day are the commercials.

Speaker 3 It's very historic. I'm sure we'll look back on this day fondly when America is swallowed up by the rising waters of the Gulf of America.

Speaker 3 You know, it turns out,

Speaker 3 it's kind of a weird thing. Airplanes might not be the best place to make bigger than the Super Bowl announcements.

Speaker 58 Even bigger than the Super Bowl. This is a big thing.

Speaker 59 And

Speaker 55 almost everybody now has assented to that.

Speaker 3 out to the right side of the aircraft, Air Force One is currently in international waters, for the first time in history flying over the recently renamed Cult of America.

Speaker 3 First of all, oh my god,

Speaker 3 it shut him up, even for just a second.

Speaker 3 I think airplane pilots must be the most powerful force in the universe.

Speaker 3 I feel like the Democrats have to get themselves an airplane pilot.

Speaker 3 Sorry for the interruption, but you can't do that.

Speaker 3 Maybe they'll let Schumer. Schumer will be the pilot.

Speaker 3 But forgive me, I've seemed to have forgotten. What does calling a Gulf of America do? Do we get all its fish now?

Speaker 55 Make America great again, right?

Speaker 61 That's what we care about.

Speaker 3 Making America great again.

Speaker 3 Yeah!

Speaker 3 Everything Trump does is all part of making America great again. Order one.

Speaker 3 Roll back everything from the previous not great administration. Regulations on the environment, regulations on the Second Amendment, the Title IX guidance, and not just the big shit.

Speaker 3 You want to make America great again. You can't skimp on the details.

Speaker 1 President Trump says he's going to reverse Joe Biden's mandate to phase out plastic straws saying, enjoy your next drink without a straw that disgustingly dissolves in your mouth.

Speaker 3 You.

Speaker 3 Okay, he's right on this one.

Speaker 3 He is right on this one.

Speaker 3 Those straws are f ⁇ ing terrible.

Speaker 3 Objectively terrible. I'm supposed to have some weird tissue paper dissolve in my mouth just because turtles can't figure out straws aren't food? No,

Speaker 3 don't eat the tubes, you stupid turtles.

Speaker 3 So Trump is making America great again by taking us back to 2016.

Speaker 3 But obviously, if we're going to make America great again, we can't stop in 2016. We've got to keep pushing to that place when America was truly great.

Speaker 3 How much further back do we need to go?

Speaker 3 So, looks like it's the 70s.

Speaker 3 Oh, like you don't know who Burt Reynolds is.

Speaker 3 If you're going to make us great, you're going to have to roll further back than the 70s. What do you got?

Speaker 55 We're going to stop the destructive and divisive

Speaker 42 diversity, equity, and inclusion.

Speaker 3 Yeah, the 70s won't fly. 70s was all about women's lib and stonewall.
Now, my friends, we got to go back further to make America great. And ladies, when we do go back, don't worry.

Speaker 3 It's all going to work out for you.

Speaker 34 You will no longer be thinking about abortion. Women will be happy, healthy, confident, and free.

Speaker 56 Like everything else, it's a little bit different today. You're not allowed to say that because if you call a woman or a girl beautiful, that's the end of your career.

Speaker 3 Oh,

Speaker 3 you can't even say, hey, sugar tits.

Speaker 3 But ladies and gentlemen, we're going to go back to the old days

Speaker 3 with regular tits,

Speaker 3 not the ones that disgustingly dissolve in your mouth.

Speaker 3 Jesus

Speaker 3 But let's not stop in the 70s there folks Not even in the let's keep going because that sounds like the 50s and the 50s are still too inclusive.

Speaker 3 I mean, by then, Italians and Irish were considered white. No, that's too far.

Speaker 3 Keep going back. America's greatness awaits.

Speaker 12 We were the richest country in the world. We were at our riches from 1870 to 1913.

Speaker 9 That's when we had

Speaker 10 a tariff country.

Speaker 3 1870s.

Speaker 3 Okay.

Speaker 3 1870s.

Speaker 3 Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew.

Speaker 3 And of course, while America presently is still pretty f ⁇ ing rich, apologies, Luxembourg.

Speaker 3 Point taken. Who wouldn't trade our current environment for America's 1870s tariff-driven, bicandled, tuberculosis-laden, pre-industrial heyday?

Speaker 41 We were so wealthy, we had commissions set up.

Speaker 19 What to do with all the money that we were taking in?

Speaker 3 Quick point of order, though. To the extent that we were at our richest from 1870 to 1913, it wasn't so much we as like four guys.

Speaker 3 And we called them robber barons

Speaker 3 as a sign of affection.

Speaker 3 Meanwhile, the rest of America, the leading cause of death, was falling into a vat at work.

Speaker 3 And it got to the point where even the robber barons realized that the only way this glorious era in American history was going to end was either full-scale f ⁇ ing revolution or reasonable compromise, which is how we ended up with stuff like income tax and labor laws and workplace safety guarantees.

Speaker 3 So let's really tread carefully in the greatness way back machine.

Speaker 49 Arizona House Republican Eddie Biggs introduced a bill this week that would abolish OSHA, a Department of Labor agency tasked with overseeing workplace safety. To the vats

Speaker 49 and fill mine with boiling tallow, boy.

Speaker 49 What?

Speaker 49 What?

Speaker 3 Why not just bring back child labor while you're at it?

Speaker 31 When you talk about school lunches, hey, I worked my way through high school.

Speaker 11 I know about you, but I worked since I was, before I was even 13 years old, I was picking berries in the field before we had child labor laws that precluded that.

Speaker 2 You were picking berries in a field before your bummits five.

Speaker 3 I mean,

Speaker 3 by the way, how old are you if you were picking berries before there were child labor laws? Because you look great.

Speaker 3 Is the key to good skin working the fields as a child?

Speaker 3 Now, I hate to bring this up, but if we are going back to the 1870s

Speaker 3 and before,

Speaker 3 does that include every diversity initiative?

Speaker 12 Birthright citizenship was, if you look back when this was passed and made, that was meant for the children of slaves.

Speaker 13 This was not meant for the whole world to come in, everybody coming in, and totally unqualified people with perhaps unqualified children.

Speaker 3 Don't bring us your tired and poor huddled masses. Do you have any mathletes?

Speaker 3 Any doogies, Hauser? We will take all of your Sheldons, young and old.

Speaker 3 For those of you at home who might fear that the President's desire to take us back to our nation's historic greatness may tread into unconstitutional action, fear not, because the brilliant design of our nation allows for the co-equal branch of the judiciary to stand as a bulwark against tyranny as judged in the landmark decision of 1803 Marbury versus Madison, which, as you know, is when James Madison lost the historic Supreme Court case to Stéphane Marbury.

Speaker 3 Marbury ran him out of the building and established our foundational separation of powers.

Speaker 63 Vice President J.D. Vance, he had some interesting words about the separation of power and government.

Speaker 3 He's for it?

Speaker 1 If a judge tried to tell a general how to conduct a military operation, that would be illegal.

Speaker 1 If a judge tried to command the attorney general and how to use her discretion as a prosecutor, that's also illegal. Judges aren't allowed to control the executive's legitimate power.

Speaker 3 Of course, they're allowed to adjudicate the boundaries of that power. That's the whole

Speaker 3 point of the judiciary, to interpret whether those powers are legitimate. You went to law school, motherfucker.

Speaker 3 The alternative is that

Speaker 3 acting.

Speaker 3 The only alternative is that the executive determines for himself what is constitutional, at which point there would be no guardrails against... Oh.

Speaker 3 Hey, Congress.

Speaker 3 Hey, buddy.

Speaker 3 You got a little separation of powers problem. I was wondering, any chance you might be reasserting your authority?

Speaker 3 Opposition party.

Speaker 3 Democrats, you ready to do some oppositioning?

Speaker 64 There are some things we can do, but the Republicans are in the majority in the Senate and the House.

Speaker 64 We're going to need some Republicans, frankly, who are willing to lose, who are willing to be a Liz Cheney and say, I will lose my seat to do the right thing by this country, not the right thing by Donald Trump.

Speaker 64 I haven't seen it yet. Let's hope.

Speaker 1 Democratic Congressman Dan Goldman of New York.

Speaker 3 That's the sales pitch.

Speaker 3 We just need someone on their side willing to lose everything to progress, like a Russian dog being shot into space.

Speaker 3 You can see the Democrats' backbone on our new show, American Backslide, starring Dan Goebban as hopeful loser.

Speaker 3 Donald Trump has been imposing a lot of tariffs since he took office. And if the nature and scope of these tariffs confuses you, don't worry, you're not the only one.

Speaker 33 Thank you, sir.

Speaker 33 Next, in 2018, you imposed odd Valorem duties tariffs on imports of steel at a 25% rate. Since that time, a large number of exclusions and exceptions to that tariff rule have been implemented.

Speaker 33 Because of the damage to the United States steel industry that those exceptions and exclusions have imposed, we're now this order would reimpose that 25% odd Valorem tariff rate on imports of steel and it's presented for your signature now.

Speaker 33 Okay.

Speaker 14 Do you understand what that means?

Speaker 14 Do you understand what that means?

Speaker 3 I mean, why don't you tell me, President of the United States, what this means?

Speaker 3 Explain ad valorem to me like I was a child. This is Trump's own policy, and he's so bored by it.

Speaker 3 And you can tell because at one point he gets so bored he just starts peeking into a random folder on the desk. Like, what's in here? Candy?

Speaker 3 Picture of boobs?

Speaker 28 What do we got?

Speaker 3 Oh, oh, oh, just more falters.

Speaker 28 Oh, why is this guy still talking?

Speaker 3 Yesterday was a busy day at the White House. First, Trump met with the King of Jordan, the country, Jordan.
You're not the boss of me, King Abdullah II, okay?

Speaker 3 Of course, Trump invited the king to discuss his plan to displace two million people and turn Gaza into the Atlantic city of the Middle East.

Speaker 3 Which sounds pretty clear-cut to me, but apparently the nitpickers and the media still have questions. You said before that the U.S.

Speaker 16 would buy Gaza, and today you just said we're not going to buy Gaza. We're not going to have to buy.

Speaker 6 We're not going to buy anything.

Speaker 6 We're going to have it, and we're going to keep it, and we're going to make sure that there's going to be peace, and there's not going to be any problem, and nobody's going to question it.

Speaker 3 There's no problem and nobody's going to question it?

Speaker 3 Trump is like a Jedi who doesn't have the force.

Speaker 3 I'll take Gaza.

Speaker 37 Nobody's going to question it.

Speaker 3 Nobody. Is this thing working? Is this thing...

Speaker 3 But Trump has another plan to convince the haters. A charm offensive.

Speaker 14 It's a war-torn area. We're going to take it.

Speaker 9 We're going to hold it. We're going to cherish it.

Speaker 3 Oh!

Speaker 3 Okay. So it's going to be an ethnic cherishing.
I got it. Okay.
Okay.

Speaker 3 I mean, how did that start like a Mussolini speech and end as a boys to men song?

Speaker 3 We will take the land, it will be ours, and we're going to make love to you. Like you want us to, and I'll hold it tight, baby, all through the night.

Speaker 3 And one thing I find weird about Donald Trump saying he wants to run Gaza is that from what we've seen so far, he barely wants to run the United States.

Speaker 3 For weeks, people have been raising alarms about how Trump seems to be handing way too much power over to Elon Musk. And yesterday, Trump replied, I hear you.

Speaker 3 You want me to give more power to Elon Musk.

Speaker 65 President Trump's setting new guidelines for hiring in the federal workforce while giving more power to Elon Musk and his team at the Department of Government Efficiency, or Doge.

Speaker 65 A new executive order directs government agencies to pursue large-scale cuts, saying they now need hiring approval from Doge.

Speaker 3 Yes, Elon Musk is now in charge of all government hirelings. Hirings.
Hirants.

Speaker 3 Sorry. I didn't say that right.
Right. I didn't say it right.

Speaker 3 Yeah, okay. Okay.

Speaker 3 Sorry.

Speaker 3 I don't know why I keep misspeaking.

Speaker 3 So this was already a pretty unusual thing for a president to do. But Trump being Trump, he had to make it even more ridiculous by introducing it with a full-on circus act in the Oval Office.

Speaker 3 Now look at this scene. Musk is holding court with his hands tinted like a Bond villain, probably to stop him from doing a Nazi salute with

Speaker 3 this four-year-old child in tow. I mean that poor kid, his dad literally runs SpaceX and Elon took him to a meeting on federal spending.
Dad, are we going to get to see the rockets? No, son.

Speaker 3 We're going to discuss budgets because I'm a shitty dad.

Speaker 3 I mean, everything about this event was so bizarre. Trump was sitting quietly for half an hour, retreating to his happy place, thinking about Arnold Palmer's giant doge.

Speaker 3 And I mean, and who thought cloning Stephen Miller was a good idea? I mean, is it for spare parts?

Speaker 3 I mean, they look like a before and even more before picture.

Speaker 3 Okay? I mean,

Speaker 3 okay, but all right.

Speaker 3 Leaving aside this Renaissance painting done by the dogs playing poker guy,

Speaker 3 it's good that we have Elon Musk here because we've been watching him slashing programs and shuttering agencies for a month now and we can finally ask Elon, why are you doing this?

Speaker 40 If the people cannot vote and have their will be decided by their elected representatives in the form of the president and the senate and the house, then we don't live in a democracy, we live in a bureaucracy.

Speaker 40 So it's incredibly important that the president, the house, and the senate decide what happens as opposed to a large unelected bureaucracy.

Speaker 3 Wow.

Speaker 3 What? Wow.

Speaker 3 I mean, you see why this guy's a genius.

Speaker 3 You don't want an unelected bureaucrat running the country. It makes a lot of sense.

Speaker 28 No questions here.

Speaker 3 I do have one question, though.

Speaker 3 Is it then you?

Speaker 3 I mean,

Speaker 3 am I going crazy? Because it feels like I'm watching Drake sing Not Like Us at karaoke.

Speaker 3 Does he not know?

Speaker 3 Remember during the campaign, Donald Trump made some big promises about how quickly and easily he was going to end that war.

Speaker 6 If I'm president, I will have that war settled in one day, 24 hours.

Speaker 42 I would tell Putin, you got to settle. I would tell Zelensky, you got to settle.
I would get a settlement in 24 hours, no longer than one day.

Speaker 9 If I can, get it ended as president-elect.

Speaker 55 I will get it settled before I even become president.

Speaker 3 I'm going to do it back to the future and end this war before it even starts.

Speaker 3 Go back in time, kiss my mom, maybe have sex with her.

Speaker 20 What am I talking about?

Speaker 16 What was I talking about?

Speaker 3 So here we are, one month into that first 24 hours, and Donald Trump is finally ready to negotiate.

Speaker 3 But it's going to be tough, which is why he started out with a quick warm-up negotiation first, an old-fashioned prisoner swap with Russia. Let's see how it went.

Speaker 1 Russia freed a wrongfully detained American teacher, Mark Fogel, returning to the U.S.

Speaker 1 after more than three years in Russian captivity, imprisoned for carrying a small amount of medically prescribed marijuana. In exchange, the U.S.

Speaker 1 releasing Russian cybercrime kingpin Alexander Vinnick.

Speaker 3 What?

Speaker 3 You traded a cybercrime kingpin for public school teacher Mark Fogel? This is like if the Dallas Mavericks traded Luka Doncich

Speaker 3 for public school teacher Mark Fogel.

Speaker 3 I mean, at least the teacher we got back is the cool teacher. He smokes weed and he's been to jail.
I mean, you know, you know he's showing movies in Fourth Period.

Speaker 3 Also, Americans, stop smoking weed in Russia. If you need to relax, try not being in Russia.

Speaker 3 Okay, okay, now that Trump got all warmed up, it's time for the main event.

Speaker 1 This morning, President Trump pledging to meet with Russian President Putin in person after announcing they've agreed to start negotiations immediately to end the war in Ukraine.

Speaker 1 President Trump saying, quote, I just had a lengthy and and highly productive phone call with President Vladimir Putin of Russia.

Speaker 1 We discussed Ukraine, the Middle East, energy, artificial intelligence, the power of the dollar, and various other subjects.

Speaker 3 I'd like to know what those various other

Speaker 3 subjects were. I mean, it's a tad suspicious.
It's like a husband coming back from a Vegas bachelor party saying, yeah, we ate some great food, we saw the sphere, did various other things.

Speaker 3 Anyway, you should get a prescription for Valtrex.

Speaker 3 So, Trump has now set the stage for face-to-face negotiations with Putin on the future of Ukraine. But Trump won't be going into this alone.

Speaker 3 He also has Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth, a man who does not take no for an answer, according to police reports. So, get ready, Putin.

Speaker 3 Because you're about to face the toughest negotiations of your life.

Speaker 1 Pete Hegseth, speaking at NATO headquarters during his first trip to Europe, was blunt, saying Ukraine's long-sought membership in NATO isn't realistic.

Speaker 1 Neither is thinking Ukraine can regain all the territory Russia has seized.

Speaker 17 We must start by recognizing that returning to Ukraine's pre-2014 borders is an unrealistic objective.

Speaker 1 Measures that will likely be welcomed by Putin, prompting questions about whether Trump is giving up his leverage to negotiate with Russia.

Speaker 66 Speaking in unusually blunt terms, the the German defense minister accusing the Trump administration of making concessions to Putin before these peace negotiations have even begun.

Speaker 3 Okay.

Speaker 3 So before negotiations even start, America gave up the two things Russia most wants? I mean, how do Hakeseth and Trump not know how to negotiate?

Speaker 3 Between the two of them, they've been divorced 97 times.

Speaker 3 I mean, if your opening move is giving away the house, the car, and the kids, best case scenario, you're leaving court with half of a golden retriever.

Speaker 3 I mean, no one's going to be happy with that except for maybe RFK Jr. But

Speaker 3 I guess there's still plenty of stuff to negotiate. For example, you know, which animal will Zelensky be fed to once the Russians take over? Probably a lion, but could be a shark, you know?

Speaker 3 There's room there. Whichever animal it is, they'll probably fall out of a window.
Regardless, Trump is not gonna go driving a hard bargain on Ukraine's behalf, and that's fine.

Speaker 3 But as long as Ukraine is an equal member of this peace process, they'll get some of what they want.

Speaker 1 Do you view Ukraine as an equal member of this peace process?

Speaker 12 It's an interesting question.

Speaker 3 Yikes! That's like when my dentist asks if I floss.

Speaker 3 It's an interesting question. I gotta go.

Speaker 3 Okay, so this is not looking good for Ukraine. Imagine not even being invited to your own peace negotiations.

Speaker 3 It's like if your wife told you she wanted a threesome and then asked what night she'll be away on business.

Speaker 3 Have so much fun, sweetie.

Speaker 3 I'm strong enough for this.

Speaker 3 It's okay, I had it coming after Vegas.

Speaker 3 Now, you might think it's unfair to put Ukraine in this position after they were the ones invaded, but that's not exactly how Trump sees things.

Speaker 10 I think they have to make peace.

Speaker 7 Their people are being killed, and I think they have to make peace.

Speaker 19 I said that was not a good war to go into.

Speaker 19 Not a good war to go into?

Speaker 3 They were invaded.

Speaker 3 It wasn't their idea.

Speaker 3 Little advice for the back of Abraham Lincoln's head: don't get hit by a bullet. Not smart.

Speaker 3 Look.

Speaker 3 Here.

Speaker 3 Clearly, this is going to be a complex negotiation, and it couldn't have come at a worse time for Trump because he's also busy with his second job.

Speaker 3 Last week, he declared himself the chairman of Washington's Kennedy Center for the Arts, the government's premier arts institution.

Speaker 3 And if you're thinking, wait, Trump is completely unqualified to think about art, Don't worry. He brought along an equally unqualified board to help him out.

Speaker 43 He was elected by a board that he recently shook up, replacing appointees by Democratic presidents with Trump loyalists.

Speaker 43 As for the board, it now includes Attorney General Pam Bondi, Second Lady Usha Vance, Chief of Staff Susie Wiles, Deputy Chief of Staff Dan Scavino, Allison Lutnick, who's the Commerce Secretary's wife.

Speaker 3 Okay, okay.

Speaker 3 First of all, what's up with this photo?

Speaker 28 Oh, you need a headshot of Mr.

Speaker 3 Scavino?

Speaker 3 Unfortunately, the only picture that exists of him is from when he walked in on his parents' bumping uglies.

Speaker 3 But hey, Donald Trump loves arts and entertainment, and you could hear his genuine passion in a phone call he had with the board.

Speaker 62 I think we're going to do something very special. It got very wokey, and some people were not happy with it, and some people refused to go, and we're not going to have that.

Speaker 62 We're going to have something that will be very, very exciting, and we'll do things both physically and in every other way to make the building look even better. I think we're going to make it hot.

Speaker 19 And we made the presidency hot, so this should be easy.

Speaker 3 I'm sorry. Hot?

Speaker 3 Only Trump would look at a building and go, eh, unf ⁇ .

Speaker 1 Let's kick things off with the war in Ukraine. Donald Trump promised he could secure a peace deal within one day of taking office, which means he is now negative 34 days ahead of schedule.

Speaker 1 Good work, sir.

Speaker 1 As we know, the Ukraine war began in 2022 when Putin invaded Ukraine on three separate fronts while launching missile attacks on Ukrainian cities.

Speaker 54 Or as Donald Trump puts it, President Trump has made a series of false assertions blaming Ukraine for starting the war.

Speaker 14 You should have never started it.

Speaker 61 You could have made a deal.

Speaker 1 That's an interesting interpretation in that it's not what happened. In fact, it's the exact opposite of what happened.

Speaker 1 And this has set off alarm bells for a lot of conservatives, including Brian Kilmead, Trump's buddy, and the Joey Tribiani of Fox and Friends.

Speaker 1 He tried to gently push back when Trump started to blame the destruction of Ukraine on President Zelensky.

Speaker 38 You have a man who's led a country that had the most beautiful cities that they're demolished, had the most beautiful domes. Those domes are the most beautiful.

Speaker 34 But it's all Russia's, but that's Russia's fault, though. It's architecture.

Speaker 38 They're all demolished, demolished a thousand year old domes

Speaker 38 and everything's demolished but mr president that's all this is that's vladimir putin's fault i get i get tired of listening to it he makes it very hard to make deals but look what's happened to his country it's been demolished but no no i hear you

Speaker 34 mr president but you know who's to blame for that

Speaker 47 don't you think it's vladimir putin that did the invasion unwarranted to try to take back land he had no right to and don't you think fundamentally that's that and if you could just get now now both sides want to talk, it seems.

Speaker 47 So we should just get to that point?

Speaker 38 They only want to talk because of me.

Speaker 1 But this is how off the rails Trump is. His beloved Fox News is saying, Mr.
President, you sound crazy. And I believe DEI causes tornadoes.

Speaker 1 And he's right, not about the DEI causing tornadoes. We all know trans people cause tornadoes, but

Speaker 1 about this war. Under Donald Trump, America has fully taken Russia's side, which means are we the bad guys now?

Speaker 1 Well, that didn't answer that. But I think we might be the bad guys.
It's not just Republicans who are alarmed. The entire continent of Europe is freaking the f ⁇ out.

Speaker 1 If the United States will help Russia take over Ukraine, who's next? Poland? Latvia? Slovenia? Slovakia? Albania? Estonia? Yeah, I got a 97 in AP geography.

Speaker 1 Thank you. Thank you.

Speaker 1 I would have gotten 100, but I misspelled my name. So, yesterday, Europe tried to get Trump back on its side by sending over its most charismatic Trump whisperer, Emmanuel Macron of France.

Speaker 1 And right from the start of that meeting, you could really see how he let his scar down.

Speaker 61 That is the most beautiful language.

Speaker 30 I have no idea what he's saying, but that is the most

Speaker 55 elegant, beautiful language.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Trump just loves the French accent. Probably because it's the native tongue of his hero, Pepe Le Pieu.

Speaker 1 Something about that pervert skunk that Trump finds so relatable.

Speaker 1 But Macron's accent gives him a lot of leeway to gently correct Trump every time he spews bullshit.

Speaker 49 I mean, this war costed all of us a lot of money.

Speaker 57 And this is the responsibility of Russia because the aggressor is Russia.

Speaker 15 Europe is loaning the money to Ukraine. They get their money back.

Speaker 67 No, in fact, to be frank,

Speaker 67 we paid it. We paid 60% of the total efforts.
And it was through, like the U.S., loans, guarantees, grants, and we provided real money.

Speaker 67 Look at him.

Speaker 1 Look at that smile. The guy is smitten.
Usually if someone confronts him about being wrong he takes away their security detail but he's letting Macron do whatever he wants.

Speaker 1 I think a sexy accent is his kryptonite.

Speaker 1 I assumed it was vegetables but

Speaker 1 to be fair, it's not just Macron. Trump was swooning over anyone with a sexy accent.

Speaker 49 I want to know if you, what is your idea about Italy?

Speaker 57 If you want to make the same thing.

Speaker 24 Can you talk a little louder?

Speaker 55 You have a beautiful voice, but Ida.

Speaker 58 Where are you from?

Speaker 31 Italy.

Speaker 56 From Italy.

Speaker 6 Oh, I love Italy.

Speaker 6 Oh,

Speaker 6 oh, Italy.

Speaker 1 I love that restaurant with the grocery store attached.

Speaker 1 Oh, now.

Speaker 1 So good.

Speaker 1 Now tell me, which section are you from? Fromaggio, Produce, Self-Checkout?

Speaker 1 By the way, Trump is the only person on earth who has ever asked an Italian person to talk louder.

Speaker 1 Of course, as we saw last week, not every accent does it for him. Sometimes it just confuses him.

Speaker 68 Mr. President, people in India would be welcoming your decision to extradite the Haburghana to

Speaker 14 say.

Speaker 14 Dude, come on.

Speaker 1 If you don't understand what someone is saying, don't be rude and dismiss them. Just laugh and go, oh my God, that's so crazy, like a normal person.

Speaker 1 I mean, is Trump sure that he wants to be president? Because this is the worst job in the world if you don't understand accents.

Speaker 1 It's like working as an escort if you're still not 100% sure which hole it's supposed to go in.

Speaker 1 Although, would that actually make you a great escort?

Speaker 3 I guess we'll never know.

Speaker 1 By the way, if you're wondering how tough Indian accents are for Trump, he had to get a translator for it. Not for the language, for the accent.

Speaker 67 It is evident that how the deep state of the United States was involved in regime change. So, what is your point of view about the Bangladeshi sorrows?

Speaker 21 And what is the role that the Deep State played in the situation in Bangladesh?

Speaker 1 I can't believe Doge is going around looking for inefficiencies. Meanwhile, Trump has an English-to-English translator.

Speaker 1 But if you do have to have a translator for accents, why does the translator also have an accent?

Speaker 1 Maybe the plan was to have a string of translators with slightly less of an accent until they finally got to something Trump could process.

Speaker 1 Eventually it'll just be the word Bangladesh written across the boobs of a swimsuit model.

Speaker 1 Oh, now I get it.

Speaker 1 Anyway, back to Macron. Now, you might think that it's not wise for Europe to hinge its survival on the seductive power of Macron's accent, but Trump himself admitted that it works.

Speaker 14 I just want to tell you a little story.

Speaker 55 So we were at the Eiffel Tower having... dinner with your wonderful wife and with my wonderful wife and we came out and he started speaking the French steel.

Speaker 14 And we didn't have an interpreter and he was going on and on and on and I was just nodding yes, yes, yes.

Speaker 55 And he really sold me out because I got back the next day and I read the papers.

Speaker 61 I said that's not what we said.

Speaker 55 He's a smart customer I will tell you.

Speaker 1 Hold on, hold on. Forget the accent.
What was going on with that handshake?

Speaker 1 Are they doing the no you hang up, but with their hands?

Speaker 1 Trump has been getting some stuff done. For example, yesterday he signed an executive order that forces hospitals to be transparent with their prices.
And look, that seems like a good idea.

Speaker 1 And I am perfectly capable of admitting it when Donald Trump did something good.

Speaker 1 When Donald Trump did something good.

Speaker 1 When Donald Trump did something good, I can't say it.

Speaker 3 I can't say it.

Speaker 1 Why is this so hard? Ugh, thank God those don't come along very often.

Speaker 1 Of course, because it's Donald Trump, most people will never hear about this price transparency thing because at the same meeting, he seemed more interested in doing stuff like this.

Speaker 14 Do you have one of those? Trump was right about everything had to be this, yeah.

Speaker 16 Give me all of them.

Speaker 3 Look, yes.

Speaker 3 See there?

Speaker 13 Trump was right about everything.

Speaker 3 It just came in.

Speaker 13 Somebody said, I said, this was sent in by a fan.

Speaker 9 I said, I think we should make some of them, right?

Speaker 13 But we were, pretty much, you want one?

Speaker 1 Okay, first of all, that is way too much text, guys. If your hat needs a bookmark, it's not a good hat.
And look, I hate to quibble with the hat, but Trump wasn't right about everything.

Speaker 1 Okay, there were a couple of small things.

Speaker 1 I don't know, Haitian immigrants weren't eating cats and dogs. There wasn't $50 million worth of condom sent to Gaza.
Belgium is not a city.

Speaker 1 The 2020 election wasn't stolen.

Speaker 1 China doesn't operate the Panama Canal, nor does it.

Speaker 1 And the best taco bowls are not made at the Trump Tower Grill.

Speaker 1 But yes, other than that, Trump was right about everything.

Speaker 1 Now, I'm not trying to be a hater, but if you're going to own a hat with a ridiculous lie on it, at least make it a fun, ridiculous lie, which is why

Speaker 1 I'm selling these.

Speaker 1 Garfield did 9-11.

Speaker 1 Get yours today before he finishes the job.

Speaker 1 But obviously, Trump didn't bring everybody into the Oval Office just to sell hats. He was there to sell something much more fancy.

Speaker 59 We're going to be selling

Speaker 2 a gold card.

Speaker 10 You have a green card. This is a gold card.
We're going to be putting a price on that card of about $5 million, and that's going to give you green card privileges plus.

Speaker 3 Oh,

Speaker 1 oh, green card privileges plus. See I was still getting America with ads.
Quick question.

Speaker 1 Quick question. If I'm unhappy with America can I cancel my subscription after seven days?

Speaker 1 I am curious, what does this gold card do?

Speaker 10 It's going to be a wrap to citizenship and wealthy people will be coming into our country by buying this card.

Speaker 9 They'll They'll be wealthy, and they'll be successful, and they'll be spending a lot of money.

Speaker 1 Did this guy just put a cover charge on America? It's $5 million to get in, but he'll waive it if you bring in three hot girls with you.

Speaker 1 I mean, I guess it beats the old way of becoming a citizen, which was to marry Donald Trump, but still.

Speaker 1 I feel like immigrant stories are going to be a lot less inspiring in the future. My grandfather came to this country with nothing but $5 million

Speaker 1 and the clothes in his custom Louis Vuitton five-piece trunk set.

Speaker 1 Although I have to admit, I don't totally hate the idea of buying your way into a country.

Speaker 1 Hey, Canada.

Speaker 1 How you doing, girl?

Speaker 1 I'm just going to come out and say it.

Speaker 16 I want to be in you.

Speaker 1 And listen, I don't have $5 million, but I do have

Speaker 1 $4

Speaker 1 and a cough drop

Speaker 1 and this orange hat.

Speaker 16 Let's talk about it.

Speaker 1 Now you might be thinking, wait a second, if the U.S. is just going to put citizenship up for sale, doesn't that mean that any monster can buy one as long as they're rich?

Speaker 1 Well, according to Trump, mm-hmm.

Speaker 3 Would a Russian oligarch be eligible for a gold card?

Speaker 13 Yeah, possibly. Hey, I know some Russian oligarchs that are very nice people.

Speaker 3 It's possible.

Speaker 1 Seems like Trump watched Anora and his takeaway from that movie was, we need to do more to help out that rich Russian teenager.

Speaker 1 He's so good at sex.

Speaker 1 But if you're letting Russians come into the country, you got to be careful, okay?

Speaker 1 I don't want to engage engage in stereotypes, but if you let a Russian in, then there's going to be a smaller Russian inside of him, and then an even smaller Russian inside of him, and on and on and on.

Speaker 3 There's always another.

Speaker 3 Careful.

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