TDS Time Machine | Easter

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We were getting where we couldn't pay the bill. PG&E asked customers about their biggest concerns so we could address them one by one.
That's terrifying. That's fair.
Joe, Regional Vice President, PG&E. We have to run the business in a way that keeps people safe, but it starts driving costs down.
I would love to see that. We're on our way.
I hope so. PG&E electricity rates are now lower than they were last year.
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Well, let's begin tonight with the weekend's festivities, A big weekend for what we call Judeo-Christians. Two major religious festivals at the same time, and President Obama celebrated both of them in what I believe is an attempt to convince people he isn't Muslim.
Nice try. Nice try.
Yesterday, of course, was Easter,

which along with Good Friday commemorates the death and resurrection of Christ.

And this morning, the White House celebrated in the manner prescribed by Scripture.

In just about a half hour, they're going to start the 134th annual White House Easter Egg Roll.

These are some of our friends here, the Power Rangers, the Chipmunks, Wubblewubsy, Penguins.

Cat in the Hat has been trying to get on camera

the entire time that you were talking.

Cat in the Hat, here are the eggs.

Eggs? The eggs are here.

Right now, we got some Harlem Globetrotters.

It's a great holiday for people who gave up LSD for Lent.

You see all them too, right?

Actually, this scene is true to biblical scholarship.

I remember these characters from The Last Supper.

If I'm not mistaken, that was...

One of you will betray me. Alvin! So, the White House pulls out all the stops for Easter.
Passover's the same weekend? Bring it! I'd like to wish a happy holiday to all those celebrating Passover. Led by Jewish members of my staff, we'll retell the story of the Exodus, listen to our youngest guests ask the four questions, and of course, look forward to a good bowl of matzo ball soup.
That's it?

That's what Jews get?

You get a huge shindig on the White House lawn for Easter with every children's character that has ever been invented,

including this guy?

Who the f*** is this guy?

Captain Planet?

Oh, what's his super...

He's Captain Planet.

Hey, kids!

My selling point for my people is we're gonna have soup it's the Avengers versus the Jewish members of my staff hey kids who wants to meet Debbie Wasserman Schultz where's everybody going look and I get it I don't want to say seders are boring, but this isn't a photo we're showing. It's video.
Allow me to get personal for just a moment. As a father of mixed-faith children who are exposed to both Christian and Jewish holidays, I can't help but feel that we Jews are getting our asses kicked out here.
In fact, you know what? Jews. Camera three.
What are we doing?

We've already conceded defeat in the Christmas v. Hanukkah kerfuffle, seeing that the Christians are celebrating the birth of their Savior, and Hanukkah is acknowledging oil lasting longer than it would normally last.
And to be honest with you, truth be told, there really is no gauge.

I mean, how much oil was in there?

It could have been eight days worth of oil.

We don't really know.

I mean, it could have been a very reasonable amount of oil.

It's not the point.

It's not the point.

The point is this.

There's no contest there.

Hanukkah, Christmas, no contest.

But we can't afford to lose this one, too.

The key is the children, people. That's what Christians have figured out.
You get the children, you win. Let's check out both sides' holiday pitch.
Okay, kids. Easter weekend is an observation of Christ's crucifixion and resurrection.
So, ba-bam! Ba-bam! A basket with candy. We got chocolate bunnies.
We got candy eggs. We got chocolate bunnies who lay candy eggs filled with more chocolate.
How are Christians the ones that came up with plastic grass, by the way? We're the ones with hay fever. But all right, it's cool.
It's cool. Jews, what do we got? Well, we're celebrating our freedom from slavery.
So, ba-bam! Let my people not. We could have gone with a freedom-themed festival, or instead we chose to focus on the slavery part of the dinner.

Hey, five-year-olds, basket filled with candy and jelly beans,

or horseradish still in root form?

Would you like the treats a magical bunny brought you,

or a bone from a dead baby lamb. Don't worry.
We used its blood to mark the door. Oh, which egg am I going to go for? The one filled with chocolate or the one filled with egg?

Because it's an actual f***ing egg.

Because that's what slaves ate.

Taste it.

Oh, wait.

Before you eat it, make sure you dip it in salt water.

It represents the tears of your ancestors. Oh, good, I see you're making more.
Mishpochah. We gotta take it up a notch.
They're crushing us. I'm not saying we lose our traditions.
We got to adapt it with a slight nod towards recruitment. I'm not saying we got to go Jehovah's Witness on this thing.
But what's wrong with bringing a little zazz? Thinking outside the box. We got a great story here.
Moses parting the Red Seas. How have we not turned that into a water park?

Oh, wait. I'll see you over at the Red Sea ride when I'm done building ice cream pyramids.

We got to do something. Did you see who the Christians booked this year as their special guest star?

On this Easter Sunday, a familiar face helping to deliver the Sunday sermon.

Quarterback Tim Tebow.

They got Tebow! Tim Tebow, superstar NFL quarterback helping them celebrate Easter. He's drawing like 20,000 people to Texas.
Who do we have? Same guest every year, Elijah. He can't even bother to go off.
Obviously, it would be great if we also could get a superstar Jewish quarterback to deliver the Passover story. But my guess is a superstar Jewish quarterback is around the same likelihood as Elijah showing up.
But let's at least compete with the make-believe Easter bunny. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Passover Pete, the guitar-playing pizza-eating lion! What up, Pete? Hey, kids! Hey, kids, have your Passover pizza! Whaa-wah-, well, well, well.
Now, I know technically you're not allowed to eat pizza during Passover. But technically, lions don't play guitars.
And quite frankly, monies don't deliver eggs. So let's just say we should spend a little disbelief.
When the kids turn 13, we'll tell them the real story. So, Jews, we've got to step it up a bit.

If you'll excuse me, I'll be playing the latest title

in my hot new Jewish video game Passover line,

Red Sea Redemption, The Wandering.

It's a first-person exodenser

where kids can experience all the excitement

of being lost in the desert for 40 years. Mmm.
What's to do? Mmm. That's right.
Morning, ask for directions. No matter.
You know where you're going again. Mmm.
Only 38 more years to go. We'll be right back.
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We were getting where we couldn't pay the bill. PG&E asked customers about their biggest concerns so we could address them one by one.
That's terrifying. That's fair.
Joe, Regional Vice President, PG&E. We have to run the business in a way that keeps people safe, but it starts driving costs down.
I would love to see that. We're on our way.
I hope so. PG&E electricity rates are now lower than they were last year.
Hear what other customers have to say and what PG&E is doing about it at pge.com slash open dash lines.

Introducing Instagram teen accounts.

A new way to keep your teen safer as they grow.

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Or remember their elbow pads.

Knees too, okay? Yep. There you go.
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President Bush and his wife Laura were able to escape their political problems yesterday at the White House's traditional Easter celebration, complete with adorable kids, fun, egg-related games and my god, behind you the rabbits! Look out! Look out for the rabbits! Oh, I'm sorry. Thought those were giant killer bunnies.
The First Lady kicked off the festivities. In Washington, we know that spring has arrived when the White House lawn is filled with children for the Easter egg hunt.
And summer in Washington is heralded by the vile sulfurous stench of the unfound eggs. Fall, fall of course brings the locusts.
The terrible, terrible locusts. Which give way to the icy death grip of winter.
The hunt is on! Her remarks were interesting, but not as interesting as what the bunny was saying behind her. I think we also have that audio.
In Washington, we know that spring has arrived. Wrap it up, lady.
It's hot as hell in this thing, and I gotta open a Chuck E. Cheese in a half hour.
Oh! So, an innocent... An innocent ritual? A blessed respite from politics? Or not? This year, an organized group of gay and lesbian parents lined up early for tickets

because the event is traditionally first come, first serve.

But not so this year.

Only VIPs and Katrina victims were allowed in

during the morning session that the president was at.

The gay and lesbian families were greeted by a different group.

These fine Christian soldiers

who enjoyed a traditional Easter gay yell. That ain't right.
It ain't okay to be gay.

Okay. How about that isn't right? It isn't okay to be gay.
I'm sorry. I'm a stickler for

grammatically correct hate. Now, White House correspondent Samantha Bee attended the Easter

Thank you for joining us. I get...
I get that the president considers himself a social conservative, but he meets with the children of Katrina victims and says he just couldn't be there for the gay families. He couldn't have met with them.
Why is that? Well, he wanted to, John. I mean, there's nothing he would have liked more than meeting with these gay parents and their soon-to-be-gay children.
But Katrina victims get priority. It's only fair.
He did help ruin their lives. The least he and Laura could do is let them keep the commemorative T-shirts.
Thank you. This is so much better than having a home.
Sam, the Katrina issue aside, it seems like to an outside observer that the president purposely didn't meet with the gay families and denied them entrance while he was there and only let them come in after he left. Well, look, John, I mean, there is a sense in many parts of this country that the Easter egg hunt is a sacred institution and should be defined by one mother, one father, a kid and a a spoon.
The Bible is very clear on this, John. In the Garden of Eden, the Lord hid eggs for Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.
Sam, the Garden of Eden is the Genesis story. Easter and Jesus' resurrection is the New Testament.
Okay, you're splitting hairs, John. My point is,

God doesn't want gays finding eggs.

I don't know how many more ways

he can say it.

Sam, I don't think that God did say that.

Okay, well, it's a slippery slope, John.

Once you let gays into the Easter egg hunt,

they'll want to be there

for the turkey pardoning.

And they'll be at the White House

menorah lighting.

And do you really want to live in a country where gays get in

to see that thing they do for the Jews around Christmas?

Frankly, I'd rather be dead.

Sam!

Yeah, I would.

I really think you're taking this a little too far, no?

Okay, let me make it simple, John.

For 130 years, children in frilly dresses

have bent over to push pastel-colored eggs

with dainty spoons across an impeccably manicured lawn. Be ashamed to see that tradition be gayed.
John. Thank you very much, Samantha.
Samantha Bee, we'll be right back. Happy Passover and happy Easter, everybody.
Yeah. I hope you enjoyed it.

Did you have a good one?

Did you enjoy it?

Yeah, spend some time with the family.

Easter is one of my favorite holidays

because I get to chill with the family.

We get to eat, you know,

remember how Jesus died for our sins

and then came back as a giant rabbit

who lays chocolate eggs.

I haven't been to church in a while.

Anyway, happy Easter, everyone.

Let's catch up on today's headlines.

Easter. It's an important holiday for any devout Christian, and also for President Trump, who celebrates it today at the annual White House Easter Egg Roll.
President Trump standing by at 1600 Pennsylvania for that Easter Egg Roll at this moment. They're singing the national anthem, President Trump flanked by the first lady and the Easter Bunny himself or herself perhaps.
Oh, I love how the anchor said himself or herself perhaps. Yeah, I still can't confirm if this mythical creature has a vagina or not.
Not that sex is defined by genitalia, more on that at the top of the hour. Honestly, I'll...
Like, this is one of those moments where I'm like,

American traditions never quite make sense to me.

Like, we're all just supposed to pretend

that that ridiculous creature belongs at the White House

standing next to the Easter bunny?

I mean...

Sorry, I couldn't help it.

I couldn't help it!

I couldn't help it!

Also, Americans sing the national anthem at the Stranger Times. Like, I get it at sports.
I get it completely. But standing next to the Easter Bunny, that's where you're like, we need to honor this moment with a meaningful display of patriotism.
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We were getting where we couldn't pay the bill. PG&E asked customers about their biggest concerns so we could address them one by one.
That's terrifying. That's fair.
Joe, Regional Vice President, PG&E. We have to run the business in a way that keeps people safe, but starts driving costs down.
I would love to see that. We're on our way.
I hope so. PG&E electricity rates are now lower than they were last year.
Hear what other customers have to say and what PG&E is doing about it at pge.com slash open dash lines. Introducing Instagram teen accounts.
A new way to keep your teen safer as they grow, like making sure they always have their seatbelt on. All right, buckle up.
Good job. New Instagram teen accounts, automatic protections for who can contact your teen and the content they can see.
This past Sunday was Easter at the White House, which is an important holiday for President Joe Biden, who is also counting on a resurrection for his campaign. But unfortunately, this year, the timing of Easter caused a bit of a headache for Joe.
The Biden administration is firing back a conservative criticism over the White House acknowledgement of the transgender Day of Visibility, which coincidentally falls on Easter Sunday. This year, the two days only concided by chance.
The day of visibility is held every year on March 31st, while the date for Easter changes year to year. Yes, by total coincidence, trans visibility day happened to fall on Easter this year, which seemed like, I don't know, a good fit to me.
I mean, Jesus did identify as the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Live your truth, queen! Now, you wouldn't think that Easter falling on a holiday that's been on March 31st for 15 years would be that big of a deal.
But conservatives process this like a child meeting the Easter bunny. By losing their f***ing minds.
I think everyone should be insulted by this, the intentional nature of this. To me is, I mean, I'm just going to say it, I think it's demonic.
They clearly want us to bow at the altar of the trans community instead of bow to God. We can't have one day for Easter.
What the hell was Biden thinking when he declared Easter Sunday to be Trans Visibility Day? Such total disrespect to Christians. And November 5th is going to be called something else.
You know, it's going to be called Christian Visibility Day when Christians turn out in numbers that nobody has ever seen before. This is America, buddy.
Every day is Christian Visibility Day. Yes, conservatives threw a hissy fit over this, including Donald Trump, who, by the way, is not exactly an authority on Christianity.
I'm wondering what one or two of your most favored Bible verses are. I wouldn't want to get into it because to me that's very personal.
You know, when I talk about the Bible, it's very personal. So I don't want to get into verses get into verses i don't want to get into there's no verse that means a lot to you that you think about or cite the bible means a lot to me but i don't want to get into specifics old testament guy or new testament uh probably equal trump talks about christianity the way i sound at every book club oh uh my my favorite part of the book? I'd have to say

the title and the symbolism. All the symbols.
Definitely not hiding from my husband and children. I also love that he says, I can't talk about it.
It's too personal. Like he also has an NDA with the Bible.

Don't believe that horse-faced

Bible.

But that's my Trump impression. Thank you.
Thank you. I'll workshop it.
I'll workshop it. Trump aside, I have a question for the actual religious conservatives.
Why are you so upset about this? Trans Visibility Day had no effect on your Easter.

Nobody was at church like,

well, we were gonna celebrate the resurrection,

but instead everyone line up

for your gender reassignment surgery.

Please leave your penis in the collection basket. The anger just seems so contrived, especially when the people who were the most outraged knew so little about the actual holiday they were protecting.
And the transgender community purposely chooses the day of Jesus's death or his resurrection, whatever Easter weekend.

Yeah, you know, Easter, it was Jesus's quinceanera or the day he was forced to leave the big brother house, whatever.

I'll ask him about it the next time I go to the, you know, what's the place with all the lowercase t's hanging on the wall? Half naked? Church, church, that's it, church. And you know what? The Fox audience deserves a higher level of con artistry than this.
Jesse Waters, if you can remember the green M&M's entire sexual history,

you can Wikipedia what Easter is.

Look, I'm not here to pick a fight with Easter.

Easter's great.

Probably our best holiday featuring a bunny who crawled out of a nightmare.

But the level of outrage over this is totally out of proportion to what ultimately was an innocuous scheduling conflict. I just, I wish I knew the real reason they were upset.
Luckily, they left us some Easter eggs. It's absurd.
And Joe Biden should be ashamed of himself. And all these people say, yeah, but this is the day we've always recognized transgender visibility day.
Well, recognize it another day, not on Easter Sunday. It's an affront to the Bible.
And quite frankly, it's an affront to biology. There are two genders.
People can't just go in and out of one like a revolving door. It's not normal.
Ah, there it is. Thank you, least interesting man in the world, for saying the quiet part out loud.
They don't think Transgender Visibility Day should be moved. They think trans people shouldn't be visible at all.
Trans Day of Visibility could have been on National Pasta Day, and they'd be like, this is an affront to fettuccine. And for what it's worth, there's a false premise at the heart of this entire controversy,

which is that there's even a conflict between trans people and Christianity to begin with.

There isn't.

In fact, the Bible doesn't say anything about trans people.

It does, however, say to love thy neighbor and to not judge other people.

And perhaps the most famous of Bible verses,

please do not sell me for $59.99 to pay off your raise. Amen.
For more on this controversy, we go live to the White House with Michael Costa. Michael, you were at the White House Easter egg hunt on Monday.
What did you find? Well, I'll tell you what I found, Desi. A ton of Easter eggs, okay? And it turns out you didn't even have to hunt for them.
You just wait for the kids to find them, and you take them out of their baskets. It's like taking candy from a baby.
Congratulations. Congratulations.
I mean more about Easter being pitted against Trans Visibility Day. It seems like all this controversy ruined the day for the trans community.
Are you kidding? This was the most successful Trans Visibility Day in history. Fox News raised trans awareness for 500 straight hours.
Yeah. And the best part is we'll get another round in a few weeks when Greek Orthodox Easter goes up against Greek Orthodox Trans Visibility Day.
Okay, but I don't think the transgender community wanted this kind of attention. Well, look, I can't speak on behalf of the trans community.
They've specifically asked me to stop doing that. But it seems to me that any way a holiday can break through the noise, the better.
There's just too many important days to remember. Easter, Memorial Day, Arbor Day, my kid's birthday, which is like every year, supposedly.
It's too much. And there's no way to keep track of all these important days.
You know what, Desi? They need to invent like a spreadsheet, but for days. Like a calendar? One of those things you drain pasta with? That'll never work, Desi.
Okay, but what about conservatives who say this was an attack on Easter? Desi, this was good for both holidays. When was the last time you saw people this fired up about Easter, a.k.a.
shitty Christmas? But now, thanks to this controversy, everyone, and I mean everyone, except for Jesse Waters, knows what Easter is really about. Okay, so you're saying that the clash of the two holidays forced everyone to

appreciate the true meaning of each

holiday. Exactly.

The lesson we learned this week is that Americans

appreciate holidays more

when they're outraged, which is why

I believe we need to pit more

holidays against each other.

Let's put Valentine's Day

on the 4th of July. Let's

move 9-11 to

Halloween. Let's

move Mother's Day up against June

Thank you, Michael. That is incredibly offensive.

Yeah, you see?

It's already working.

Thank you, Michael.

Michael Kosta, everyone.

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Join the movement at Wired2FishCoffee.com. That's Wired, the number two, FishCoffee.com.
Start making a difference today. We were getting where we couldn't pay the bill.
PG&E asked customers about their biggest concerns so we could address them one by one. That's terrifying.
That's fair. Joe, Regional Vice President, PG&E.
We have to run the business in a way that keeps people safe, but it starts driving costs down. I would love to see that.
We're on our way. I hope so.
PG&E electricity

rates are now lower than they were last year. Hear what other customers have to say and what

PG&E is doing about it at pge.com slash open dash lines.