TDS Time Machine | Easter

Speaker 1 This is an iHeart podcast.

Speaker 2 You're listening to Comedy Central.

Speaker 2 Well, let's begin tonight with the weekend festivities, a big weekend for what we call Judeo-Christians. Two

Speaker 2 major religious festivals at the same time, and President Obama celebrated both of them in what I believe is an attempt to convince people he isn't Muslim. Nice try.

Speaker 2 Nice try.

Speaker 2 Yesterday, of course, was Easter, which along with Good Friday commemorates the death and resurrection of Christ. And this morning, the White House celebrated in the manner prescribed by Scripture.

Speaker 4 In just about a half hour, they're going to start the 134th annual White House Easter egg roll. These are some of our friends here, the Power Rangers, Alvin the Chipmunks, Wubba Wubsy, Penguins.

Speaker 1 Catnihat has been trying to get on camera the entire time that you're going to be able to do it.

Speaker 2 How about Catnihat?

Speaker 3 Here are the eggs. Eggs?

Speaker 5 The eggs are here.

Speaker 6 Right now we got some Harlem Globetrotters.

Speaker 2 It's a great holiday for people who gave up LSD for Lent.

Speaker 2 You see all them too, right?

Speaker 2 Actually this scene is true to biblical scholarship. I remember these characters from the Last Supper, if I'm not mistaken, that was...

Speaker 2 One of you will betray me.

Speaker 2 I'll be in!

Speaker 2 So, the White House pulls out all the stops for Easter.

Speaker 2 Passover is the same weekend?

Speaker 2 Bring it!

Speaker 7 I'd like to wish a happy holiday to all those celebrating Passover.

Speaker 7 Led by Jewish members of my staff, we'll retell the story of the Exodus, listen to our youngest guests ask the four questions, and And of course, look forward to a good bowl of matzo ball soup.

Speaker 7 That's it?

Speaker 2 That's what Jews get? You get a huge shinding on the White House lawn for Easter with every children's character that has ever been invented, including this guy? Who the f is this guy?

Speaker 2 Captain Planet?

Speaker 2 Oh, what's his super

Speaker 2 he's Captain Planet hey kids

Speaker 2 my selling point for my people is we're gonna have soup

Speaker 2 it's the Avengers versus the Jewish members of my staff hey kids who wants to meet Debbie Wasserman Schultz

Speaker 2 where's everybody going

Speaker 2 look and I get it I don't want to say satyrs are boring but this isn't a photo we're showing it's video.

Speaker 2 Allow me to get personal for just a moment.

Speaker 2 As a father of mixed-faith children who are exposed to both Christian and Jewish holidays, I can't help but feel that we Jews are getting our asses kicked out here.

Speaker 2 In fact, you know what? Jews, camera three.

Speaker 2 What are we doing?

Speaker 2 We've already conceded defeat in the Christmas v. Hanukkah kerfuffle,

Speaker 2 seeing that the Christians are celebrating the birth of their Savior, and Hanukkah is acknowledging oil lasting longer than it would normally last.

Speaker 2 And to be honest with you, truth be told, there really is no gauge. I I mean, how much oil was in there? It could have been eight days' worth of oil.
We don't really know.

Speaker 2 I mean, it could have been a very reasonable amount of oil to burf her. It's not the point.
It's not the point. The point is this.

Speaker 2 There's no contest there. Hanukkah Christmas, no contest.

Speaker 2 But we can't afford to lose this one, too. The key is the children, people.
That's what Christians have figured out. You get the children, you win.

Speaker 2 Let's check out both sides' holiday pitch. Okay, kids.
Easter weekend is an observation of Christ's crucifixion and resurrection. So,

Speaker 2 ba-bam!

Speaker 2 Ba-bam!

Speaker 2 A basket with candy! We got chocolate bunnies, we got candy eggs, we got chocolate bunnies who lay candy eggs filled with more chocolate. How are Christians the one that came up with plastic grasps?

Speaker 2 By the way, we're the ones with hay fever.

Speaker 2 But all right, it's cool, it's cool. Jews, what do we got? Well, we're celebrating our freedom from slavery.
So,

Speaker 2 ba-bam!

Speaker 2 Let my people not.

Speaker 2 We could have gone with a freedom-themed festival or instead we chose to focus on the slavery part of the dinner.

Speaker 2 Hey five-year-olds, basket filled with candy and jelly beans or

Speaker 2 horseradish still in root form.

Speaker 2 Would you like the treats a a magical bunny brought you or

Speaker 2 a bone from a dead baby lamb?

Speaker 2 Don't worry. We used its blood to mark the door.

Speaker 2 Oh, which egg am I going to go for? The one filled with chocolate or the one filled with egg?

Speaker 2 Because it's an actual f ⁇ ing egg.

Speaker 2 Because that's what slaves ate. Taste it.
Oh, wait.

Speaker 2 Before you eat it, make sure you dip it in salt water.

Speaker 9 It represents the tears of your ancestors.

Speaker 2 Oh, good. I see you're making more.

Speaker 2 We got to take it up a notch. They're crushing us.

Speaker 2 I'm not saying we lose our traditions. We've got to adapt it with a slight nod towards recruitment.
I'm not saying we got to go Jehovah's Witness on this thing.

Speaker 2 But what's wrong with bringing a little Zazz, singing outside the box? We got a great story here. Moses parting the Red Seas.

Speaker 2 How have we not turned that into a water park?

Speaker 2 Oh, wait. I'll see you over at the Red Sea ride when I'm done building ice cream pyramids.

Speaker 2 We got to do something. Did you see who the Christians booked this year as their special guest star?

Speaker 10 On this Easter Sunday, a familiar face helping to deliver the Sunday sermon, quarterback Tim Tebow.

Speaker 2 They got Tebow!

Speaker 2 Tim Tebow, superstar NFL quarterback, helping them celebrate Easter. He's drawing like 20,000 people to Texas.
Who do we have? Same guest every year, Elijah. He can't even bother to come off.

Speaker 2 Obviously, it would be great if we also could get a superstar Jewish quarterback to deliver the Passover story, but my guess is a superstar Jewish quarterback is around the same likelihood as Elijah showing up.

Speaker 2 But let's at least compete with the make-believe Easter bunny. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Passover Passover Pete, the guitar playing pizza eating lion.

Speaker 2 What up, Pete?

Speaker 2 Hey kids!

Speaker 2 Hey kids, have your Passover pizza! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Speaker 2 Now,

Speaker 2 I know technically you're not allowed to eat pizza during Passover.

Speaker 2 But technically, lions don't play guitars. And quite frankly, bunnies don't deliver eggs.
So let's just say we suspend a little discipline. When the kids turn 13, we'll tell them the real story.

Speaker 2 So, Jews, we got to step it up a bit.

Speaker 2 If you'll excuse me, I'll be playing the latest title in my hot new Jewish video game Passover line, Red Sea Redemption, the Wandering.

Speaker 2 It's a first-person Exoduser where kids can experience all the excitement of being lost in the desert for 40 years.

Speaker 10 What's to do?

Speaker 2 Left, right. Morning, ask for directions.

Speaker 2 You know where you're going again.

Speaker 2 Only 38 more years to go.

Speaker 2 We'll be right back.

Speaker 2 President Bush and his wife Laura were able to escape their political problems yesterday at the White House's traditional Easter celebration, complete with adorable kids.

Speaker 2 Fun, egg-related games, and my God, behind you, the rabbits! Look out! Look out for the rabbits!

Speaker 2 Oh, I'm so.

Speaker 2 Thought those were giant killer bunnies.

Speaker 2 The First Lady kicked off the festivities.

Speaker 1 In Washington, we know that spring has arrived when the White House lawn is filled with children for the Easter egg hunt.

Speaker 2 And summer in Washington is heralded by the vile, sulfurous stench of the unfound eggs.

Speaker 2 Fall.

Speaker 2 Fall, of course, brings the locusts.

Speaker 2 The terrible, terrible locusts, which give way to the icy death grip

Speaker 2 of winter.

Speaker 2 The hunt is on!

Speaker 2 Her remarks were interesting, but not as interesting as what the bunny was saying behind her. I think we also have that audio.

Speaker 1 In Washington, we know that spring has arrived.

Speaker 2 Wrap it up, lady. It's hot as hell in this thing, and I gotta open a Chuck E.

Speaker 5 Cheese in a half hour.

Speaker 2 So,

Speaker 2 an innocent ritual, a blessed respite from politics, or not.

Speaker 2 This year, an organized group of gay and lesbian parents lined up early for tickets because the event is traditionally first-come, first-serve. But not so this year.

Speaker 2 Only VIPs and Katrina victims were allowed in during the morning session that the president was at. The gay and lesbian families were greeted by a different group.

Speaker 2 These fine Christian soldiers who enjoyed a traditional Easter gay yell.

Speaker 2 That ain't right.

Speaker 4 It ain't okay to be gay.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 How about that isn't right?

Speaker 2 It isn't okay to be day. I'm sorry.
I'm a stickler for grammatically correct hate.

Speaker 2 Now, White House correspondent Samantha B. attended the Easter egg roll.
She joins us now. Samantha

Speaker 2 I Get

Speaker 2 I Get that the president considers himself a social conservative, but he meets with the children of Katrina victims

Speaker 2 and says he just couldn't be there for the gay families. He couldn't have met with them.
Why is that?

Speaker 1 Well, he wanted to, John. I mean, there's nothing he would have liked more than meeting with these gay parents and their soon-to-be gay children.

Speaker 1 But Katrina victims get priority. It's only fair.
He did help ruin their lives.

Speaker 1 The least he and Laura could do is let them keep the commemorative t-shirts. Thank you.

Speaker 2 This is so much better than having a home.

Speaker 2 Sam, the Katrina issue aside,

Speaker 2 it seems like to an outside observer that the president purposely didn't meet with the gay families and denied them entrance while he was there and only let them come in after he left.

Speaker 1 Well, look, John, I mean, there is a sense in many parts of this country that the Easter egg hunt is a sacred institution and should be defined by one mother, one father, a kid, and a spoon.

Speaker 1 Bible,

Speaker 1 Bible is very clear on this, John. In the Garden of Eden, the Lord hid eggs for Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.

Speaker 2 Sam, the Garden of Eden is the Genesis story. Easter and Jesus' resurrection is the New Testament.

Speaker 1 Okay, you're splitting hairs, John. My point is,

Speaker 1 God doesn't want gays finding eggs. I don't know how many more ways he can say it.

Speaker 2 Sam, I don't think that God did say that.

Speaker 1 Okay, well, it's a slippery slope, John. Once you let gays into the Easter egg hunt, they'll want to be there for the turkey pardoning.
And they'll be at the White House menorah lighting.

Speaker 1 And do you really want to live in a country where gays get in to see that thing they do for the Jews around Christmas? Frankly, I'd rather be dead.

Speaker 2 Sam.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I would.

Speaker 2 I really think you're taking this a little too far, no?

Speaker 1 Okay, let me make it simple, John. For 130 years, children in frilly dresses have bent over to push pastel-colored eggs with dainty spoons across an impeccably manicured lawn.

Speaker 1 Be a shame to see that tradition be gay,

Speaker 1 John.

Speaker 2 Thank you very much, Samantha. Samantha B.
We'll be right back.

Speaker 11 Happy Passover and happy Easter, everybody.

Speaker 8 Yeah, I hope you enjoyed it.

Speaker 11 Did you have a good one? Did you enjoy it? Yeah, spend some time with the family. Easter is one of my favorite holidays because I like I get to chill with the family.

Speaker 11 We get to eat, you know, remember how Jesus died for our sins and then came back as a giant rabbit who lays chocolate eggs.

Speaker 11 I haven't been to church in a while. Anyway, happy Easter, everyone.
Let's catch up on today's headlines.

Speaker 9 Easter.

Speaker 11 It's an important holiday for any devout Christian and also for President Trump who celebrates it today at the annual White House Easter egg roll.

Speaker 3 President Trump standing by at 1600 Pennsylvania for that Easter egg roll at this moment.

Speaker 3 They're singing the national anthem President Trump flanked by the First Lady and the Easter Bunny himself or herself perhaps.

Speaker 2 Oh,

Speaker 2 I love how the anchor said himself or herself perhaps.

Speaker 11 Yeah, I still can't confirm if this mythical creature has a vagina or not. Not that sex is defined by genitalia.
More on that at the top of the hour.

Speaker 11 Honestly,

Speaker 11 this is one of those moments where I'm like, American traditions never quite make sense to me.

Speaker 11 Like, we're all just supposed to pretend that that ridiculous creature belongs at the White House standing next to the Easter bunny.

Speaker 10 I mean,

Speaker 2 sorry, I couldn't help it. I couldn't help it.
I couldn't help it.

Speaker 11 Also, Americans sing the national anthem at the strangest times. Like, I get it at sports.
I get it completely. But standing next to the Easter bunny,

Speaker 11 that's where you're like, we need to honor this moment with a meaningful display of patriotism. Bunny, put your hilarious giant club over your heart.

Speaker 1 This past Sunday was Easter at the White House, which is an important holiday for President Joe Biden, who is also counting on a resurrection for his campaign.

Speaker 1 But unfortunately this year, the timing of Easter caused a bit of a headache for Joe.

Speaker 12 The Biden administration is firing back at conservative criticism over the White House acknowledgement of the Transgender Day of Visibility, which coincidentally falls on Easter Sunday.

Speaker 1 This year the two days only concited by chance. The Day of Visibility is held every year on March 31st, while the date for Easter changes year to year.

Speaker 1 Yes, by total coincidence, Trans Visibility Day happened to fall on Easter this year, which seemed like, I don't know, a good fit to me.

Speaker 1 I mean, Jesus did identify as the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.

Speaker 2 Live your truth, Queen.

Speaker 1 Now, you wouldn't think that Easter falling on a holiday that's been on March 31st for 15 years would be that big of a deal.

Speaker 1 But conservatives process this like a child meeting the Easter bunny by losing their fing minds.

Speaker 1 I think everyone should be insulted by this. The intentional nature of this to me is, I mean, I'm just going to say it.
I think it's demonic.

Speaker 1 They clearly want us to bow at the altar of the trans community instead of bow to God.

Speaker 8 We can't have one day for Easter?

Speaker 5 What the hell was Biden thinking when he declared Easter Sunday to be trans visibility day?

Speaker 5 Such total disrespect to Christians and November 5th is going to be called something else. You know what's going to be called?

Speaker 5 Christian Visibility Day when Christians turn out in numbers that nobody has ever seen before.

Speaker 1 This is America, buddy. Every day is Christian Visibility Day.

Speaker 1 Yes, conservatives threw a hissy fit over this, including Donald Trump, who, by the way, is not exactly an authority on Christianity.

Speaker 13 I'm wondering what one or two of your most favorite Bible verses are.

Speaker 13 I wouldn't want to get into it because to me that's very personal. You know when I talk about the Bible it's very personal so I don't want to get into verses.
I don't want to get into

Speaker 13 you that you think about or cite. The Bible means a lot to me but I don't want to get into specifics.
Old Testament guy or New Testament?

Speaker 2 Probably equal.

Speaker 1 Trump talks about Christianity the way I sound at every book club. Oh, my favorite part of the book? I'd have to say the title

Speaker 1 and the symbolism.

Speaker 1 All the symbols. Definitely not hiding from my husband and children.

Speaker 1 I also love that he says, I can't talk about it. It's too personal.
Like, he also has an NDA with the Bible.

Speaker 1 Don't believe that horse-faced Bible.

Speaker 1 But that's my Trump impression. Thank you.
Thank you.

Speaker 1 I'll workshop it. I'll workshop shop in.

Speaker 1 Trump aside, I have a question for the actual religious conservatives. Why are you so upset about this? Trans Visibility Day had no effect on your Easter.

Speaker 1 Nobody was at church like, well, we were gonna celebrate the resurrection, but instead, everyone line up for your gender reassignment surgery.

Speaker 1 Please leave your penis in the collection basket.

Speaker 1 The anger just seems so contrived, especially when the people who were the most outraged knew so little about the actual holiday they were protecting.

Speaker 14 And the transgender community purposely chooses the day of Jesus' death or his resurrection, whatever Easter weekend.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you know, Easter, it was Jesus' quinceinera or

Speaker 1 the day he was forced to leave the Big Brother house, whatever.

Speaker 1 I'll ask him about it the next time I go to the,

Speaker 1 you know, what's the place with all the lowercase T's hanging on the wall? It's a half naked church, church, that's it, church.

Speaker 1 And you know what? The Fox audience deserves a higher level of con artistry than this. Jesse Waters, if you can remember the Green Eminem's entire sexual history, you can Wikipedia what Easter is.

Speaker 1 Look, I'm not here to pick a fight with Easter. Easter's great.
Probably our best holiday featuring a bunny who crawled out of a nightmare.

Speaker 1 But the level of outrage over this is totally out of proportion to what ultimately was an innocuous scheduling conflict. I just, I wish I knew the real reason they were upset.

Speaker 1 Luckily, they left us some Easter eggs.

Speaker 6 It's absurd.

Speaker 15 And Joe Biden should be ashamed of himself. And all these people say, yeah, but this is the day we've always

Speaker 15 recognized Transgender Visibility Day. Well, recognize it another day, not on Easter Sunday.
It's an affront to the Bible. And quite frankly, it's an affront to biology.
There are two genders.

Speaker 15 People can't just go in and out of one like a revolving door. It's not normal.

Speaker 15 Ah,

Speaker 15 there it is.

Speaker 1 Thank you, least interesting man in the world, for

Speaker 1 saying the quiet part out loud.

Speaker 1 They don't think Transgender Visibility Day should be moved. They think trans people shouldn't be visible at all.

Speaker 1 Trans Day of Visibility could have been on National Pasta Day and they'd be like, this is an affront to Fettuccine.

Speaker 1 And for what it's worth, there's a false premise at the heart of this entire controversy, which is that there's even a conflict between trans people and Christianity to begin with. There isn't.

Speaker 1 In fact, the Bible doesn't say anything about trans people. It does, however, say to love thy neighbor and to not judge other people.

Speaker 1 And perhaps the most famous of Bible verses, please do not sell me for $59.99

Speaker 1 to pay off your request.

Speaker 1 Amen.

Speaker 1 For more on this controversy, we go live to the White House with Michael Costa.

Speaker 1 Michael,

Speaker 1 you were at the White House House Easter egg hunt on Monday. What did you find?

Speaker 8 Well, I'll tell you what I found, Desi.

Speaker 6 A ton of Easter eggs, okay?

Speaker 11 And it turns out you didn't even have to hunt for them.

Speaker 8 You just wait for the kids to find them and you take them out of their baskets.

Speaker 8 It's like taking candy from a baby.

Speaker 1 Congratulations.

Speaker 1 I mean more about Easter being pitted against Trans Visibility Day. It seems like all this controversy ruined the day for the trans community.

Speaker 6 Are you kidding?

Speaker 8 This was the most successful trans visibility day in history. Fox News raised trans awareness for 500 straight hours.

Speaker 8 Yeah!

Speaker 8 And the best part is we'll get another round in a few weeks when Greek Orthodox Easter goes up against Greek Orthodox Trans Visibility Day.

Speaker 1 Okay, but I don't think

Speaker 1 the transgender community wanted this kind of attention.

Speaker 6 Well, look, I can't speak on behalf of of the trans community. They've specifically asked me to stop doing that.
But

Speaker 8 it seems to me that any way a holiday can break through the noise, the better. There's just too many important days to remember.

Speaker 8 You know, Easter, Memorial Day, Arbor Day, my kid's birthday, which is like every year, supposedly. It's too much.
And there's no way to keep track of all these important days.

Speaker 6 You know what, Desi? They need to invent like a spreadsheet, but for days.

Speaker 1 Like a calendar?

Speaker 8 One of those things you drain pasta with? That'll never work.

Speaker 1 Okay, but what about conservatives who say this was an attack on Easter?

Speaker 10 Desi, this was good for both holidays.

Speaker 6 When was the last time you saw people this fired up about Easter, aka shitty Christmas?

Speaker 6 But now,

Speaker 8 thanks to this controversy, everyone, and I mean everyone, except for Jesse Waters, knows what Easter is really about.

Speaker 1 Okay, so you're saying that the clash of the two holidays forced everyone to appreciate the true meaning of each holiday.

Speaker 2 Exactly.

Speaker 6 The lesson we learned this week is that Americans appreciate holidays more when they're outraged, which is why I believe we need to pit more holidays against each other.

Speaker 8 Let's put Valentine's Day on the 4th of July.

Speaker 8 Let's move 9-11 to Halloween.

Speaker 8 Let's move Mother's Day up against Juneteenth. Do you love your mom or do you hate slavery?

Speaker 4 You gotta choose, Desi.

Speaker 4 Michael, that is

Speaker 4 a tough choice

Speaker 1 that is incredibly offensive and see it's already working

Speaker 2 thank you Michael Michael cost to everyone

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