TDS Time Machine | 4/20

Speaker 1 This is an iHeart podcast.

Speaker 2 You're listening to Comedy Central.

Speaker 3 Don't bogart that prescription, man.

Speaker 4 The grooviest federal advisory panel ever has just released a report that claims patients suffering from serious diseases should be allowed to smoke medical marijuana.

Speaker 5 While critics...

Speaker 5 All right.

Speaker 4 While critics contend marijuana is dangerous and often leads to much more addictive substances like laughter and sex,

Speaker 4 here's the drugs are, where the drugs are.

Speaker 6 What I will absolutely support, though, is the notion

Speaker 6 that I think this report very admirably makes, that there are other cannabinoids besides THC.

Speaker 4 Ah, yes.

Speaker 4 The itching and swelling of cannabinoids. and the embarrassment of eating your donut pillow.

Speaker 4 Doctors are worried about about the respiratory effects of smoking marijuana, but there's some good news and some good news.

Speaker 7 Talk to me, dude.

Speaker 6 We recommend development of a rapid-onset but non-smoked delivery system, such as an inhaler, perhaps similar to an asthma inhaler.

Speaker 8 Yeah.

Speaker 4 An inhaler will likely be lauded by 14-year-old shop students, but drastically change the image of the high school burnout. I'm gonna kick your ass after Jim.

Speaker 4 Doroth.

Speaker 3 Research monkeys become addicted to marijuana.

Speaker 3 Their desperate parents plea for them to just say,

Speaker 3 If you go to the zoo and see a gibbon in a beret reciting Ginsburg's howl over the wail of a Coltrain 78, don't worry, you're not high. The monkey is.

Speaker 3 A new study released earlier in the week reports that monkeys will repeatedly dose themselves with THC, the active ingredient of marijuana, if given the chance.

Speaker 3 Researchers found that squirrel monkeys repeatedly pushed a lever to self-administer THC through injection. Though in all fairness, an earlier study had given all of the monkeys glaucoma.

Speaker 3 According to the scientists, the monkeys didn't show any sign of being sedated by the drug, though they did show signs of paranoia, claiming they felt like they were in cages while being watched by men in lab coats.

Speaker 11 Our next health story should be of particular interest to our teen viewers

Speaker 11 who suffer from crippling glaucoma.

Speaker 11 For centuries, marijuana has been used as a self-prescribed remedy for the terminal disease known as being alive.

Speaker 11 But last week, the Supreme Court heard arguments as to whether state initiatives permitting the drug to be used medicinally violate federal law.

Speaker 11 It's a case that figures to settle once and for all the legality of medical marijuana and thereby affect the lives of no fewer than 0.0001% of American marijuana smokers.

Speaker 11 The federal government maintains, however, that marijuana, or as it's known on the street, funny pot cigarettes,

Speaker 11 is illegal, period, and has severely criticized prescribing the drug to those freewheeling, long-haired, hippie AIDS and cancer patients just trying to score a free high off Uncle Sam.

Speaker 11 Those people are sick.

Speaker 11 Seriously, they're sick and they need help.

Speaker 11 Robert McGuinness of the Family Research Council has come out strongly against medical marijuana.

Speaker 13 I don't deny that sick people who have been using it for a long time feel better after using this because they get high. And when you get high, you feel better.

Speaker 11 Robert McGinnis.

Speaker 11 Speaking out strongly and poorly against miracle marijuana, medical marijuana, which is a miracle.

Speaker 11 Now, the upcoming Supreme Court debate could even be a hotter-button issue than Americans not sleeping enough. That's why it's the subject of tonight's Even Stephen.

Speaker 14 You You just made me vomit in my own mouth.

Speaker 16 What's the weather like up your own ass?

Speaker 2 Tonight's topic, should medical marijuana be legalized?

Speaker 5 Yes.

Speaker 8 No. Yes!

Speaker 11 The medical marijuana initiatives in California and New Mexico were approved by the voters solely to help seriously ill patients for whom marijuana offers the only relief from pain.

Speaker 11 Who could deny an 80-year-old woman a moment of respite from her tortured existence? But I suppose there are a few sick individuals out there who get off on other people's suffering, Steven.

Speaker 2 Far out, Steve. Groovy point, man.

Speaker 9 You're blowing my mind.

Speaker 2 Face it, you and your doctor dopes are just hiding behind grandma's oxygen tent.

Speaker 2 The real reason you're pushing pro-pot legislation is so you can suck on a tie stick and watch the walls begin to pulse and breathe.

Speaker 2 And now that you've duped a few misguided state legislatures, I'm sure we can all look forward to you coming down with a convenient case of glaucoma real soon.

Speaker 11 This marijuana is medicine, Steven. I'm pro-people, not pro-poto.

Speaker 2 Come on, Steve, you love ganja and the exhilarating rush of freedom and the heightened textural sensations it gives you.

Speaker 2 Whereas I wouldn't know where to start looking for a dime bag, I'm sure you've got great connections. So let me in on the dirty little secret, Steve.
Where do you get your pot?

Speaker 11 Stephen, just because I support medical marijuana, it's ludicrous to imply that I'm a dope fiend.

Speaker 11 That's like saying because I support the repeal of the marriage tax penalty that I'm into wife swapping.

Speaker 2 Don't change the subject, Steve. You know exactly where I can get my hands on some really deep chronic, don't you?

Speaker 11 Let's get back to my wife swapping metaphor.

Speaker 8 Fine, let's.

Speaker 11 What you're suggesting about my access to sweet Malaysian skunkweed is just as ridiculous as if I said, hey, Stephen Colbert, why don't you and your wife come over some night this week and we can exchange partners?

Speaker 11 Would that idea appeal to you?

Speaker 2 I don't know, Steve. Would we be high?

Speaker 5 I don't know.

Speaker 11 Would you bring the dope?

Speaker 2 Steve, you're not listening to my argument. my argument is that if for instance i tried to buy pot i couldn't get any but i think you could get me some

Speaker 11 you're not listening steven you're in a fantasy world where i smoke pot and could get my hands on some very kind bud but we would be wife swapping this friday

Speaker 11 have i made myself clear?

Speaker 2 Clear as crystal, Steve, but let me see if I can just recap your really twisted argument. You're saying that if we were to enter into some bizarre love quadrangle, you'd be supplying the weed.

Speaker 8 Yes.

Speaker 11 Okay, that sounds perfect.

Speaker 8 Great.

Speaker 2 I'm Stephen Colbert.

Speaker 11 And I'm Steve Corell, and this has been even more.

Speaker 2 Steven Stephen, should we bring anything?

Speaker 12 Yeah, a bottle of wine wine would be nice.

Speaker 9 We'll be right back.

Speaker 18 One of the challenges of this job is to engage the audience in stories they have no inherent interest in.

Speaker 18 And that's going to be tough again tonight, because sadly, we're about to talk about marijuana.

Speaker 8 Now,

Speaker 8 grow up!

Speaker 18 Now, not everybody in the medical community is a big fan of it, but last Thursday, that may have changed. Thanks to America's favorite doctor.

Speaker 18 No, not him.

Speaker 18 I'm talking about the real McDreamy.

Speaker 1 Dr. Sanjay Gupta changes his mind on weed.

Speaker 19 Sanjay, you were very critical of medical marijuana for a long time. You've changed your mind.
Tell us why. Woo!

Speaker 17 Woo!

Speaker 18 Sanjay Gupta getting on the Mary Jane train, chief medical correspondent of the cannabis news network.

Speaker 18 Talking some weed with Erin Burnout and Wolf Splifzer.

Speaker 18 So Sanj, what changed your mind about the Gange?

Speaker 20 I think, you know, we've been terribly and systematically misled in this country for some time. I took the DEA at their word when they said it's a Schedule I substance and has no medical applications.

Speaker 18 Wait, you took the Drug Enforcement Agency at their word?

Speaker 18 Is there any other medical misinformation that you may still believe just because someone told you? You do know that you won't actually go blind from jacking it, right?

Speaker 18 Because I just found that out two weeks ago and it's turned turned my life around.

Speaker 18 Anyway, Dr. G, please continue your report on weeds.

Speaker 18 What's next? An exclusive report on tasty munchies?

Speaker 8 Huh?

Speaker 20 Very early studies on mice are now showing the potential of marijuana to kill cancer cells. Amache is using marijuana to help him with the pain and nausea from chemotherapy.

Speaker 20 Residents here are using marijuana for pain, loss of appetite, Parkinson's disease, and dementia.

Speaker 18 Oh, right, because of course marijuana actually has real medical benefits and can be prescribed by doctors. In fact, dispensaries sell different strains to treat different problems.

Speaker 18 And on that note, if you want this drug with serious medical benefits to be taken seriously, how about adulting up the names a little bit?

Speaker 18 That way, a sick old man doesn't have to ask for a quarter ounce of rainbow diesel funkadelic cheddar harmony. But it's just a suggestion.
But I have to give CNN credit where it's due.

Speaker 18 Sanjay Gupta copped to his era.

Speaker 18 Their weed special answered the most pressing questions about the legitimate medical uses of marijuana and they also answered a question that absolutely no one has been asking.

Speaker 8 What's Piers Morgan like when he's high?

Speaker 14 I'm going to make a shocking revelation here.

Speaker 14 I've tried cannabis when I was a young younger lad and I've also had to have Vicodin when I broke some ribs falling off embarrassingly a Segway in Santa Monica and I can tell you that it was the Vicodin which I was prescribed by my doctor which gave me a massively higher high than the cannabis ever did.

Speaker 18 Okay, this is important.

Speaker 18 I would like to personally offer $10,000 in reward to anyone who can bring me footage of Piers Morgan falling off that Segway.

Speaker 8 I mean it.

Speaker 18 Neither Vicodin nor marijuana nor the purest ecstasy could bring anyone as much joy as that videotape could.

Speaker 18 Today is

Speaker 22 what day is today? Ah, April 20th.

Speaker 7 And that date, when written in numeric form, indicates that it's time for

Speaker 8 Uncle Johnny's Super Kush, totally chillaxed, sticky icky, informative marijuana news report.

Speaker 5 What's up?

Speaker 22 What's up?

Speaker 25 I didn't have time

Speaker 8 to do the whole thing.

Speaker 7 I honestly look like a rainbow-haired Larry Fine from the 30th century.

Speaker 7 420, man, best day of the year.

Speaker 22 Let's tune in and drop out and get totally baked on news. And there's one network that gets the groove that I'm grooving.

Speaker 15 It's 420, brah.

Speaker 21 Times are changing. I just legally purchased marijuana.

Speaker 15 A new movement is growing. One network, one groundbreaking event.
It's 420. So grab your favorite munchies and get ready for a night you wouldn't expect on CNN.

Speaker 15 Yeah!

Speaker 22 Like I always say, CNN is cool as f ⁇

Speaker 22 And I'm way ahead of you guys. I got the munchies all set.
I got my Ben and Jerry's vanilla.

Speaker 8 Whoa, what?

Speaker 22 What?

Speaker 25 I got my Ben and Jerry's vanilla Afikomen crunch.

Speaker 7 It's basically lactate ice cream with real bits of matzah hidden right inside there.

Speaker 9 The good news is the more you eat it, the less matzah you have to deal with.

Speaker 25 All right, first up, weed three.

Speaker 22 Take it away, Sanjay.

Speaker 25 Feel good, pa?

Speaker 7 Hope he ties up all the loose ends from weeds one and two.

Speaker 20 Could marijuana help save veterans? It seems to be helping her PTSD. Using marijuana to treat the symptoms of Alzheimer's.
She says marijuana

Speaker 20 makes her nearly pain-free. He was once suicidal, but Sean now has hope.
Hope that comes from this plant.

Speaker 7 Well, you f ⁇ me, CNN.

Speaker 4 I'm ready for weed stock, the whole thing, and you're giving me this.

Speaker 22 This is an actual news report.

Speaker 27 What are you going to bore me with an economics lesson now?

Speaker 1 It has been over a year now since Colorado legalized recreational marijuana. In February, the state reported a $53 million tax revenue increase.

Speaker 7 This pot story isn't fun at all.

Speaker 7 It's all about disease and taxes.

Speaker 25 What about free love and hot boxing?

Speaker 8 Free love hot boxing. Come on, guys.

Speaker 8 Get through the dudes.

Speaker 28 Okay, lose the wig, wavy gravy, which is a reference I don't even understand.

Speaker 28 Nobody knows what you're talking about.

Speaker 22 Hey, Jess, happy 420.

Speaker 25 You chilling?

Speaker 8 Eeling?

Speaker 28 Ew, ew, okay, stop. Enough.

Speaker 17 Enough. I'm just grooving to the hash, man.

Speaker 8 No, no, you're not.

Speaker 28 You're making everyone look bad. Pot isn't just for shirtless old dudes with bongos.

Speaker 28 It's a non-addictive, proven effective medical treatment that is now raising much-seeded tax revenue for like schools, libraries, and roads.

Speaker 25 Ooh, look at the square.

Speaker 5 What?

Speaker 25 It's 420.

Speaker 22 Why can't we just sit back, hit the dube, and use a pink Florida Gatefold album to sift out the seeds in our lid of skunk weed?

Speaker 25 What? What?

Speaker 28 I literally don't know what any of those words mean.

Speaker 28 Nobody uses record albums to sip their pot. Nobody owns record albums.
I mean, like, I do because I'm cool.

Speaker 8 But what the hell is skunk weed?

Speaker 9 You know, skunkweed, swag.

Speaker 28 Schwag? What? Like free t-shirts?

Speaker 30 No, like bad weed.

Speaker 28 There's a such thing as bad weed?

Speaker 22 You know what? Never mind.

Speaker 28 Look, this is now, John, and we don't smoke. We vape our scientifically cultivated medical grade buds that we had hand-delivered using a phone app called Dankstagram.

Speaker 28 which signs a delivery to show up precisely five minutes before our Thai food. It's great.

Speaker 22 I got a vape. I vape.
Oh, really?

Speaker 28 Which one? You got a G-Pen? You got a PAX?

Speaker 4 I believe it's a VIX. It's a vaporizer.

Speaker 8 It's not a,

Speaker 7 I add some albuterol sometimes if my allergies are kicking in idea.

Speaker 22 You know, pollen in the May Zigo.

Speaker 28 John, you make me so sad.

Speaker 7 I love you.

Speaker 8 She's awesome.

Speaker 25 But even with all marijuana's proven benefits, there's always one guy who's got to be a total narc.

Speaker 1 Governor Chris Christie says if he becomes president, he will crack down on states that allow the sale of marijuana.

Speaker 31 Marijuana is a gateway drug.

Speaker 31 We have an enormous addiction problem in this country. Marijuana is an illegal drug under federal law, and the states should not be permitted to sell it and profit from it.

Speaker 7 You heard the man.

Speaker 7 Hey!

Speaker 22 Let the man be ideologically consistent

Speaker 7 or at least appear that way. No Christie administration will tolerate, let alone raise revenue from anything addictive or that federal law disapproves of.
Roll the tape.

Speaker 1 Chris Christie is the guy that signed into law to legalize internet gambling.

Speaker 21 He claims legalizing sports gambling would add a new source of cash for his state.

Speaker 7 Well, there is a difference though, to be fair. If you smoke too much pot, no one comes to break your f ⁇ ing knees.

Speaker 12 My guest tonight is a multi-platinum-selling recording artist whose new album is called Rolling Papers 2.

Speaker 2 Please welcome Wiz Khalifa.

Speaker 5 Welcome to the show. What's up, up, dude?

Speaker 12 This is the second time. So

Speaker 12 I met you backstage now. Yeah.
And I got high just meeting you.

Speaker 10 That's awesome.

Speaker 12 And I'm not joking, this is the second time. There was one time I was flying out of LA and you were ahead of me in the TSA line.
Okay. And you had to like take everything off.

Speaker 12 You had like hoodies and all that. And you were like taking it all off.
And I'm standing behind you.

Speaker 12 And it smelled like every Snoop Dogg album.

Speaker 12 And I remember on that, I was like, oh, I'm high. And this is like the second time.
Is this like you do this everywhere you go, you inspire?

Speaker 10 Well, I want people to get

Speaker 10 I want you to get stone for free. You know what I'm saying? Exactly.
Like so. I'm the homie, you know what I mean?

Speaker 12 Humanitarian.

Speaker 8 Yeah. That's who Ms.
Khalifa is.

Speaker 12 Before we get into the weed, let's talk about the album, though. Rolling Papers 2.

Speaker 12 25 songs on the album.

Speaker 12 That's a lot of songs. Is that something you always planned? Why did you want to have 25 songs on the album?

Speaker 10 I've been working on this album for like three, close to four years.

Speaker 10 And early in the process, I asked my fans,

Speaker 10 should I make it a double album or not? And they all told me that I should make it a double album. So it was always my intention to release a lot of music.

Speaker 10 I just had to figure out a way to make it flow and a way to put it all together. But yeah, I definitely wanted to give people a full course meal.

Speaker 12 Right. And

Speaker 12 like when you, is this like weed talk now? Is that what we're doing?

Speaker 10 Well, I just ate a turkey burger.

Speaker 12 It's been seven years since your first studio album, Rolling Papers. Why has it taken so long?

Speaker 10 Well,

Speaker 10 I've just been growing pot.

Speaker 10 But for real, for real, I have a really extensive catalog.

Speaker 10 It's really, really long. So I've been just, you know, satisfying everybody on every

Speaker 10 you know what I mean? And now I'm back with another album where it's like, okay, let's

Speaker 10 get back to, and then create another 10, 15 years of legacy.

Speaker 12 And people think you're joking about growing pot, but

Speaker 12 you are really big into the legalization of weed. Absolutely.
You have a business, Khalifa Kush. Yes, sir.
Right?

Speaker 12 How is the weed business going? Is it as booming as people say it is? Absolutely.

Speaker 10 It's really good, and it's super cool because

Speaker 10 people are not as afraid of pot as they used to be. Right.
So it's like they ingest it in different ways. They eat it.
It's cream. It's like CBD where they've taken the THC, which got you stoned.

Speaker 26 They took that out,

Speaker 10 and now you can just enjoy the medicinal effects of it as well. So, you have a choice.

Speaker 12 As a dad, would you let your kids smoke weed?

Speaker 10 When he gets to the legal age, absolutely.

Speaker 8 Oh, yeah? Absolutely. Does he know you smoke weed?

Speaker 10 Absolutely.

Speaker 12 How does he know?

Speaker 10 It's hard not to know.

Speaker 9 Oh,

Speaker 12 before I let you go, I wanted to talk to you about your body. Yeah.

Speaker 12 No, this became a big thing online. You know, Wiz Khalifa was always known for being like this scraggly dude, like you were really tall, six foot four, I think.
You started working out.

Speaker 12 Yeah, yeah, yeah. You put on what, 30 pounds?

Speaker 10 30 pounds, absolutely.

Speaker 8 You look like you work out too, man. No, I just eat.

Speaker 8 You kind of like this in that suit. But how did you get 30 pounds on you?

Speaker 12 What did you, like, what did you do, and how did you just get into working out?

Speaker 10 I joined a gym in LA. It's called Unbreakable.
Right. They put me on a meal plan and diet and all of that stuff.

Speaker 10 And it's a lifestyle thing, so it's something that I'm going to do for the rest of my life.

Speaker 12 So the new album is out. Are we going to wait another seven years for the next one?

Speaker 12 Do we know? Is it going to be Khalifa Kush all the way and then an album? Or do you see yourself on the road writing something new?

Speaker 10 I see myself making a whole lot of music. I have a label, Taylor Gang, and I have a lot of artists that I focus on as well.
Chevy Woods just put out a project called 81. We just signed Skate.

Speaker 10 We got a bunch of other people who've been working on music, Burner, Tukey. We got producers like TM and things like that.

Speaker 10 So, just as long as the music is getting out there, it doesn't even matter if it's one of my albums, like just as long as people get in stone.

Speaker 30 I want to dig into all these angles with the greatest news team in the world. Let's go to the airport right now with Roy Wood Jr.
Roy,

Speaker 30 Roy.

Speaker 30 Well, you interviewed the flight attendants. What did the flight attendants say?

Speaker 33 Oh, this is so good.

Speaker 26 Oh, my God.

Speaker 26 Roy, Roy,

Speaker 30 you interviewed the flight attendants, right?

Speaker 34 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 5 I was going to interview him, but...

Speaker 34 Damn, why is it so good? It's so small, but it's so good.

Speaker 23 Brian,

Speaker 5 I'm sorry, what's going on, Roy?

Speaker 34 Jordan, I just wanted to relax a little bit.

Speaker 23 It's 420.

Speaker 23 It's 420. So, so

Speaker 5 I'm at 420.

Speaker 34 I just smoked a little bit of weed and then I smoked a whole lot more.

Speaker 30 You're high during the show.

Speaker 8 Come on, man.

Speaker 34 The news is so depressing out there.

Speaker 34 I just needed a break. Plus, it's Black History Month, man.

Speaker 23 Back up off me, man.

Speaker 30 Roy, you literally just told me it's 4.20. That is April.

Speaker 8 Is that what the fall stands for?

Speaker 23 Damn it, Roy. Damn it.

Speaker 30 I'm disappointed. Sorry, folks.
It's very unprofessional. Let's just go to Southwest headquarters to get the corporate reaction from our own Desi Lidak.
Desi!

Speaker 30 Desi.

Speaker 30 Desi, is Southwest's policy on baby attendance going to change?

Speaker 1 There's an even bigger question here, Jordan, which is

Speaker 2 how do planes even fly?

Speaker 1 Like they have wings, but the wings don't flap.

Speaker 1 I've never seen a plane take off like this.

Speaker 30 God damn it, Desi, are you high?

Speaker 5 What? No!

Speaker 1 I mean, yes, but on weed.

Speaker 1 I'm not like high in a plane. Is that what you meant?

Speaker 30 No, that's not what I meant. Honestly, Desi, folks, look, I'm sorry.
This is a total lack of professionalism. You deserve better.
It's unbelievable. Let's try this one more time.

Speaker 30 Michael Costa, are you there with us?

Speaker 9 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course I am, Jordan.

Speaker 9 I'm Michael Costa.

Speaker 16 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And don't you worry, because I'm not high on weed, I'm high on cocaine, okay?

Speaker 26 Come on, let's go.

Speaker 30 That's very illegal. Yeah, well, don't you worry.

Speaker 27 It's medicinal. I bought it behind a Walgreens, so we're good.

Speaker 30 Did you at least interview anyone?

Speaker 5 Oh, buddy.

Speaker 27 I interviewed everyone. I interviewed the guy.
I interviewed the baby. I interviewed every piece of luggage.
I interviewed myself. That was interesting.

Speaker 27 And I'm going to interview the plane once it lands on this runway. Woo!

Speaker 30 How did you get on an active runway?

Speaker 9 It was easy. There was a door.
It was unlocked. It was basically unlocked.

Speaker 27 You just walked through, punched a security guard, and then you're here.

Speaker 9 You're there.

Speaker 30 Get out of there. It's not safe.

Speaker 22 Don't worry, dude. I can't physically die.
Okay, I see the plane coming. But bring it out.

Speaker 34 Bring it out. Let's go.
Hey, is that another Cinnabon? What?

Speaker 23 Roy's coming right.

Speaker 23 What are you doing? There's a plane coming. Roy!

Speaker 8 Roy!

Speaker 5 But how did they get there?

Speaker 29 He's been in the bun.

Speaker 8 How did you even get there?

Speaker 30 You weren't even at the airport.

Speaker 1 Oh, I flew. This does work.

Speaker 23 This is what?

Speaker 9 You should start airlines.

Speaker 23 I didn't tell you about the time that we could do the flight. You can leave it back.
I want to get out of food and we're going to go.

Speaker 30 I'm going to get hit by a plane. I can't believe you all got high at work without me.
Desi, Roy, and Michael, everyone.

Speaker 29 Hey, y'all, it's your old pal Sarah Silverman, and I'm back in New York City, where now weed is so legal, they have stores. Stores with weed.
I mean what is this? 23 other states?

Speaker 29 Great but could I find someone to smoke this fancy new legal weed with?

Speaker 29 Do you guys smoke pot?

Speaker 29 Yeah, yeah, yeah. You buy it from the store now or do you guys still are you loyal to your old dealers?

Speaker 35 Used to have to go all around and like hey I gotta text you a menu. So now you just go down the corner and then there's like a store right there.

Speaker 29 I noticed a couple of you have walkie-talkies. Is it for work?

Speaker 26 Yeah.

Speaker 29 Hey, this is Sarah Silverman. I just want to let you know that Curtis has diarrhea and he might be a little bit late.

Speaker 29 Okay, well, these guys didn't get stoner comedy, but maybe I'd find some Bud Buddies at one of the new licensed dispensaries like the Union Square Travel Agency, where buying drugs feels like, well, a little bit like making an appointment at the not-so-genius bar.

Speaker 35 So when New York legalized, they granted the first licenses for people being formally incarcerated.

Speaker 29 I love it. When I first moved to New York City, the way I got weed was I call my dealer or get into his Toyota Yaris and have to sit in a smelly car while I listen to his band's demo.

Speaker 29 And here, I mean, are you in a band?

Speaker 32 I'm not in a band.

Speaker 29 It's refreshing.

Speaker 29 Instead of dealers without professional boundaries, these new dispensaries have weed baristas, aka bud tenders.

Speaker 29 I want the giggles and the creativity of a sativa with the feeling like I'm being held by like a 16-foot man cradled like a baby.

Speaker 35 We have something for that.

Speaker 23 Really? We do.

Speaker 27 So what's your preferred method of consumption?

Speaker 29 Do you have anything that I can

Speaker 29 put up anally, like as if I have a story of some kind?

Speaker 29 Not with weed in it, just anything.

Speaker 29 Not here. Are you high right now?

Speaker 35 No.

Speaker 29 I'd like to speak to a manager, please. Non-high weed dealers? What a strange new world.
At least the customers were just like in the old days. What are you guys going to do when you're high?

Speaker 30 We giggle.

Speaker 23 We laugh.

Speaker 13 We laugh. And do we get intimate? We get intimate.

Speaker 10 And we get brownies.

Speaker 29 What's brownies? Is that kind of some kind of sex euphemism?

Speaker 9 No. Oh, just an actual brownie.

Speaker 10 We're old-fashioned, just brownies.

Speaker 29 Oh, that sounds good. That's right up my alley.
Can I get high with you?

Speaker 9 Sure.

Speaker 29 When it's time to get intimate, you know,

Speaker 29 one of you guys will have to leave.

Speaker 33 Can we choose?

Speaker 32 We'll pick straws.

Speaker 29 And people aren't just using weed to enhance their eating and love making.

Speaker 36 It helps with a lot of like anxiety or just like that nerve pushing button where you're just like, I don't want to talk to you anymore.

Speaker 29 It's like, I feel like you smoke pot and you realize that nothing you're worried about matters.

Speaker 29 I mean, basically, we're already dead.

Speaker 29 These users were so stoked on their legal weed, it seems like anyone could sell it to them. Hmm, notes of hickory.
Like anyone at all.

Speaker 29 What ills are you trying to solve with drugs?

Speaker 35 I'm just looking to get higher than it ever been.

Speaker 29 Yeah, just ultimate high.

Speaker 35 Yeah.

Speaker 29 We can do that with this one. That's gonna be $738.

Speaker 29 Pernase? It is expensive, but it is cheaper than therapy.

Speaker 29 All in all, it's crazy to think that something you can buy now for a lot of money in a fancy store used to get people sent to prison. And many are still there.

Speaker 29 There are people here that were put in prison for weed crimes.

Speaker 12 Yeah.

Speaker 29 It would be great if there was a radical exchange of wealth with people who have served time for something that politicians are making millions from now.

Speaker 23 Absolutely.

Speaker 29 I don't know what I'm saying. I'm stoned.

Speaker 29 I still hadn't found anyone to smoke with besides the horny brownie lovers, but as usual, New York City didn't let me down. This is crazy.

Speaker 29 We're actually doing a story about people smoking weed in New York.

Speaker 35 Yo, I'm smoking weed in New York right now.

Speaker 29 That's crazy. And you're doing it.

Speaker 29 What kind of weed is this?

Speaker 35 So this is like sativa. There's a cookies blend, you know? Classic.
But I get it from a smoke shop.

Speaker 29 You get it illegally from a deli.

Speaker 35 Well, from a smoke shop, you gotta be careful with what you get.

Speaker 23 Yeah. Yeah, my guy showed me photos of where he grows and stuff, so I can, I trust him.

Speaker 29 Yeah, if he has a picture of it,

Speaker 29 it's definitely true which led me to address the most serious question that this issue had raised i've got a dog at home like do you think she loves me or do you think it's just like i'm the person that feeds her so she just plays ball your dog is love and that might be what you need and even if it's not directed to you that's the love you got like that's your dog

Speaker 32 so it doesn't matter

Speaker 29 i guess it doesn't really matter whether you get your weed from a fancy dispensary or as part of some tragically misguided drug war, as long as you smoke it with a friend. My dog is love.

Speaker 29 I could cry. That's so beautiful.
Love. My dog is love.
Love made a mess on the carpet.

Speaker 26 And love cleaned that mess up.

Speaker 29 It's all love.

Speaker 27 We start tonight with the fundamental battle of the ages, not the one between good and evil. Evil won that immediately.

Speaker 27 I'm talking about the fight between marijuana and alcohol. Alcohol has had the upper hand for decades, but now it appears that marijuana is pulling ahead.

Speaker 15 Well, for the first time ever, daily marijuana use is now pacing daily alcohol use.

Speaker 1 This is according to a new national study. Millions of people in the U.S.
report using marijuana daily or nearly every day, according to the National Survey on Drug Use and Health.

Speaker 1 Those people now outnumber those who say they are daily or near-daily drinkers of alcohol.

Speaker 30 That's right.

Speaker 27 Daily pot smokers are beating daily alcohol drinkers in the race to see who can escape their sad lives more quickly.

Speaker 27 But in some ways, it makes sense. You know, edibles are just much more efficient than booze.
I mean, have you ever tried to get a trick-or-treater drunk?

Speaker 12 It's almost impossible.

Speaker 27 Of course, the rising popularity of weed is a good reminder to the beer industry that they got lazy.

Speaker 27 They thought they could just sit back and relax while Tommy Chong bought every goddamn ad on Twitter, you know?

Speaker 27 Congrats, beer companies, you lost to that well-known, super ambitious, type A, hard-working go-getter, Tommy Chong.

Speaker 27 Now, weed and alcohol aside, the larger issue is that maybe, just maybe, we shouldn't be depending on all these substances in the first place.

Speaker 27 You know, life is much better when you're sober and we can really feel everything authentically.

Speaker 27 That's an epiphany I had on my weekly ayahuasca voyage.

Speaker 17 Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching The Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts.

Speaker 33 Watch The Daily Show weeknights at 1110 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus.

Speaker 29 Paramount Podcasts.

Speaker 1 This is an iHeart Podcast.