TDS Time Machine | Wrestlemania

Speaker 1 This is an iHeart podcast.

Speaker 2 You're listening to Comedy Central.

Speaker 3 Wall Street gets a kick in the NASDAQs.

Speaker 3 The World Wrestling Federation is going public on the New York Stock Exchange, hoping to body slam the market, pile drive its competitors, and put a sleeper hold on investors in a story that can only be described as full of dumb metaphors.

Speaker 4 To welcome the WWF to the big board, today's trading session ended with Stone Cold Steve Austin slamming Alan Greenspan's head into the closing bell.

Speaker 3 Now, Daily Show chief financial correspondent Stephen Colbert has been following this story very closely. We go now live to Wall Street for a report.

Speaker 2 Stephen,

Speaker 3 what's the advance word on the trading floor for the wrestling public offering?

Speaker 7 Well, John, the WWF IPO is creating quite a buzz.

Speaker 3 Investors are looking for product branding and long-term growth.

Speaker 9 You want more, Geek?

Speaker 10 I will kick your short-term bonds so far up your withholdings.

Speaker 9 You're going to be picking Fannie Mays out of your ass for a week.

Speaker 9 Steven, wait.

Speaker 12 Steven, what?

Speaker 13 Is everything okay down there?

Speaker 8 It's nothing, John. Some of the Morgan Stanley foreign debt guys are...

Speaker 8 They're trash talking.

Speaker 3 Has this wrestling IPO really changed the mood down there on the floor?

Speaker 8 Well, there's a sense of increased optimism, but that could be attributed to the Fed's restraint on interest rates.

Speaker 1 Steven, I don't mean to interrupt.

Speaker 16 Who was that?

Speaker 8 Oh, he goes by the name of the underwriter.

Speaker 8 You don't want a piece of that, John.

Speaker 3 I can't. This is shocking.

Speaker 4 It seems the floor has really gotten caught up in the spirit of this IPO.

Speaker 18 You want to know why the yen is down, Yamamoto?

Speaker 10 Because you panty wastes can't handle a gold-backed currency.

Speaker 9 Never could.

Speaker 10 The Nikkei is for old ladies and bedwinners.

Speaker 19 Oh,

Speaker 20 oh, nunchucks, right?

Speaker 13 Steven, is that... Did I just hear the closing bell?

Speaker 12 No, John.

Speaker 10 It's the opening sounds of whoopass season.

Speaker 5 Come on!

Speaker 5 You!

Speaker 10 You!

Speaker 10 You will taste the sweet dish of my wrath!

Speaker 3 Thank you very much. Stephen Colbert on the Floyd of the Wall Street Trading Firm.

Speaker 14 Some of you may have watched a program last night. You know that Barack Obama was our guest on the program.

Speaker 4 He was not actually here in the studio. The good news, of course, hope.

Speaker 14 can be transmitted via satellite.

Speaker 12 Now

Speaker 9 just flies through the air.

Speaker 14 We've actually had now all the presidential candidates on our show, the three that are remaining, and I would like to think that appearing on this program is as low as they're going to go

Speaker 14 to pander for votes.

Speaker 4 I would like to think that we truly are the bottom of their barrel, or even not even that, just whatever it is that grows under the bottom of barrels.

Speaker 2 That would be us. That would be my hope for them, for our country.

Speaker 14 But last night, I I go home after the show, as I usually do on a Monday night, put my feet in some Epsom salts, light a cinnamon candle, and

Speaker 14 I turn on my WWE Raw, and I see this.

Speaker 23 On the eve of the Pennsylvania primary, all three presidential candidates will be specifically addressing you, our WWE fans, right here tonight.

Speaker 12 Let's get ready to

Speaker 22 tumble.

Speaker 1 I'm Hillary Clinton, but tonight, in honor of the WWE,

Speaker 1 you can call me Hill Rod.

Speaker 5 No,

Speaker 1 I've got one question.

Speaker 4 Do you smell what Barack is cooking?

Speaker 5 No.

Speaker 12 Of course, Senator McCain, he's got the nomination sewn up. He's not going to have to pepper his message with embarrassing wrestling affectation.

Speaker 4 What are you going to do when John McCain and all his McCaniacs run wild on you?

Speaker 14 Generally, when McCaniacs run wild on me, I rub some lotramen on it.

Speaker 12 Why do the candidates humiliate themselves in cable backwaters like WWE Raw and The Daily Show?

Speaker 4 Because they're running for president and the chance to humiliate themselves on a network.

Speaker 1 I'm thrilled to be on deal or no deal with you tonight.

Speaker 4 Come to think of it, I'm thrilled to be anywhere with high ratings these days.

Speaker 14 He's incredibly unpopular.

Speaker 12 For more, we turn to Daily Show, senior political analyst Wyatt Sanak in Washington. Wyatt, you know, I'm about done, I got to tell you.

Speaker 12 As you scroll down through all these scandals, it's hard to imagine that any of these people believe in anything.

Speaker 12 Their ethics are purely situational,

Speaker 12 or perhaps they're brain damaged and have no short-term memories. I don't know.

Speaker 7 John, here's your problem. You think politicians want to win their arguments when all they really want to do is keep having them.

Speaker 7 They know arguments are interesting, they energize voters, they keep the money flowing in.

Speaker 2 You're telling me that their interest is in conflict, not in resolution.

Speaker 7 Yes. John, do you watch professional wrestling?

Speaker 5 Yes.

Speaker 7 So then you know that right now Shawn Michaels is angry at the Undertaker.

Speaker 9 Rightfully so.

Speaker 7 Yeah, but they're going to settle it in the squared circle.

Speaker 12 So it will be done.

Speaker 7 Well, unless something were to happen to keep the fight going.

Speaker 13 I get it.

Speaker 4 They have to keep the conflict going.

Speaker 2 But at least in wrestling, we know the good guys and the bad guys. Sean Michaels is a good guy.

Speaker 7 Undertaker is a bad guy. Until the swerve, when they switch, it keeps the audience interested, and the money, again, keeps flowing.

Speaker 4 You're saying that congressional leaders flip on issues to keep conflict going and keep the money flowing, keep their bases interested.

Speaker 7 John, congress people are in office for like 80 or 90 years.

Speaker 7 You can't just expect them to do the same character that whole time.

Speaker 24 It gets boring.

Speaker 4 So you're saying, like, Harry Reid's flip-flop on whether he would like to amend the filibuster is just a pro-wrestling move.

Speaker 2 That's nuts. That's nuts, why?

Speaker 2 Really?

Speaker 7 Okay, Okay, look, John, I didn't want to have to do this.

Speaker 25 Mick.

Speaker 25 What?

Speaker 25 No!

Speaker 7 I brought in Daily Show senior ass kicker Mick Foley to show how easy it is for a politician to work both sides of the filibuster. Foley, save the filibuster.

Speaker 11 America,

Speaker 21 today is your lucky day.

Speaker 21 The evil majority think they can shut me up,

Speaker 12 that I'll give up.

Speaker 21 But today, one man can make a difference.

Speaker 21 I'm going to step in that ring all alone, and they can come at me with chairs, with bats, with chairs made of bats.

Speaker 3 But none of that matters as long as I have my one special move the filibuster

Speaker 12 All right, so it's a very persuasive argument very persuasive patriotic argument for the filibuster.

Speaker 5 I know it's good now right now check this out watch the swerve Mick Foley destroy the filibuster

Speaker 4 little pissant pencil neck geeks think a filibuster can stop the will of the people.

Speaker 12 Well, I got two words for you.

Speaker 5 Reconcile this!

Speaker 5 It's time for one man,

Speaker 5 one vote, one beat down.

Speaker 12 You arrogant windbags think you can obstruct progress.

Speaker 12 Well, you might love the sound of your your own little voice, but the only thing you're gonna hear tonight is my fist down your throat.

Speaker 22 Whoa!

Speaker 24 Whoa!

Speaker 24 Yeah!

Speaker 5 Yeah, John, did you hear that?

Speaker 5 Did you hear his fist?

Speaker 5 I believe I heard it, thus.

Speaker 12 So both sides can take a position, but isn't that what the news media is for? To provide context, break through the posturing, and create a little clarity?

Speaker 7 Context, John?

Speaker 24 No, the news guys, they're more like the manager, the color guys.

Speaker 7 They got their own take on the filibuster, too.

Speaker 9 Bully!

Speaker 12 So what you're saying is

Speaker 12 the whole thing is fake.

Speaker 12 The whole thing is fake, like professional wrestling. Is that what you're saying? What did you say, John? I said you just wait.

Speaker 5 It's all fake.

Speaker 9 You just used the FYI.

Speaker 5 I thought you're back when washed.

Speaker 5 What?

Speaker 27 This used to be my ear.

Speaker 5 Mo!

Speaker 27 Who's whipped up

Speaker 28 As we've seen recently, it's kids, not politicians, who seem to be pushing political change. In fact, most politicians can't even manage to get their own messages out there.

Speaker 28 And that's especially true for the Democrats. But luckily, we might have found a way to help the Dems out.
Ronnie Chang reports.

Speaker 29 Democrats might know how to rally their base, but when they reach out to Middle America, they say things like, For working families to get a share of that prosperity that they're creating, we need some serious enforcement of competition laws.

Speaker 30 You're boring. Single payer, single payer, single payer.

Speaker 1 It's like you don't even care about what you're saying.

Speaker 23 Can you hear me now?

Speaker 29 It's not working. It's not working.

Speaker 1 No, it's not. And it's no surprise, last election, people in swing states went for a guy who said things like, who's gonna pay for the wall?

Speaker 4 Like to punch him in the face, I'll tell you.

Speaker 1 Trump honed his trademark oratorical style where else? In professional wrestling.

Speaker 1 And if Democrats were gonna fight back, they needed someone who could go head-to-head with a WWE Hall of Famer like Trump. And in the heart of cold country, we found him.

Speaker 18 Shut your ignorant mouth, because the progressive liberal has something to say.

Speaker 1 Finally, a Democrat who doesn't make me want to change the channel.

Speaker 1 Dan Richards has been making headlines wrestling as the progressive liberal and riling up small-town audiences all over Trump country.

Speaker 1 How hard is it to pretend to have these liberal values? Oh, I'm not pretending.

Speaker 1 But even if the crowd hates him, the progressive liberal could teach swing state Democrats some classic wrestling techniques for getting voters' attention.

Speaker 1 Do you want to stick to broad brushstroke talking points? Right. So middle America would rather learn about politics through a mostly naked man than by reading a book.

Speaker 18 Yeah.

Speaker 1 But Dan assured me that besides wearing shirts, politicians and wrestlers had one key difference.

Speaker 1 People in politics will say anything to get elected, whereas a good wrestler, they're only gonna say things that they truly believe in.

Speaker 1 So what you're saying is that the level of political discourse in wrestling is actually higher than in politics. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 But with Congress immobilized by partisan politics, what advice did a progressive liberal have for Democrats? Let's say you're Chuck Schumer and Mix McConnell put you in a headlock.

Speaker 1 What do you do? Um, I would reverse it into a top wrist lock and I would stomp on his elbow, breaking his wrist,

Speaker 1 and then the issue would be resolved without a doubt. The progressive liberal had some great ideas for updating Democrats' messaging, but could he take on the heavyweight champion in the White House?

Speaker 1 Unfortunately, he was busy golfing, so we cast someone else to approximate Trump's rhetorical style.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Introducing the Covere and France.

Speaker 1 Is it just me or is it getting cold in here?

Speaker 1 Because there's a snowflake in the ring.

Speaker 19 Snowflake.

Speaker 10 Snowflake.

Speaker 1 Quick pandering. I'm not pandering.
I'm one of them. My pandering was working.
Time to take this to the next level. Do you know what this man wants?

Speaker 1 Let me guess what you want to do with the guns in this country just let me guess you want to take them away I don't want to take away guns I'm just for really strict background checks okay that wasn't too hard to understand and the audience was into it okay fine whatever about guns let me guess what you want to do about marijuana

Speaker 23 I think what people want to do behind closed doors should be their business

Speaker 18 like hell you do that is my position as the progressive liberal

Speaker 1 Looks like broad rush talking points work, especially that marijuana one, Democrats.

Speaker 1 So maybe let wrestlers craft slogans for your next campaign, like lock guns up, or make America great us, or just 420 for 2020.

Speaker 1 But let's face it, what really turns on swing state crowds isn't words, it's action. I don't care about your positions, cuz you suck.

Speaker 1 Middle America wants a strong hero who won't back down from a fight. So Democrats, if you want to beat a wrestler president, keep it simple and go on the offensive.

Speaker 10 Fake news!

Speaker 18 Oh, fake news! Oh, it's fake news!

Speaker 1 Welcome to the future of American politics.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 17 immigration, clearly a dominant issue in the country right now, is being discussed everywhere. And I do mean everywhere.

Speaker 31 I am speaking to you from within a country that is under siege every day.

Speaker 31 We have foreigners flooding our country, sneaking across our border

Speaker 31 like rats in the street.

Speaker 31 Hey, hey,

Speaker 5 I'm one of those rats.

Speaker 17 And I'll have you know I crossed the ocean on a very comfortable Virgin Atlantic flight.

Speaker 17 The time flew by, so get your facts straight. So even the WWE currently has a storyline around the immigration debate.

Speaker 17 And to give them credit, they actually had a good discussion about the ambivalence and hypocrisy at the heart of our policies.

Speaker 32 Ziff Coulter comes out here. He preaches about how Jack Swagger is the real American.
He from other countries shouldn't come in here. We shouldn't take our jobs.

Speaker 32 Antonio Cesaro is from another country. Yes.
And he's no associate. So he didn't have a problem with people from other countries.

Speaker 32 He has a problem with people coming from other countries who come here the wrong way. So he's going to be the wrong way.
He's changing his argument tonight to bring in this guy, Antonio Cesaro.

Speaker 32 He said,

Speaker 9 What beautiful dream of television is this?

Speaker 17 Not only was that technically more articulate a debate than anything we've heard in Congress,

Speaker 33 but it came with half-naked men fighting.

Speaker 17 It's like C-SPAN with elbow drops.

Speaker 9 Please, give me more.

Speaker 32 Zeb was even mad that John Oliver said. Oh, for John Stewart.

Speaker 32 Very far British

Speaker 32 media.

Speaker 1 Taking over the Daily Show for a couple of months.

Speaker 9 What is happening?

Speaker 9 What?

Speaker 9 You're mad at me.

Speaker 25 You're mad at me.

Speaker 16 Oh, now this is personal.

Speaker 17 I know how pro wrestling works. You trash talk about me.
I've got to trash talk right back at you.

Speaker 9 So come on, Zeb!

Speaker 33 If that is your real fake name, let's do this.

Speaker 9 Let's do this thing.

Speaker 9 Yeah.

Speaker 9 Yeah.

Speaker 9 Yeah.

Speaker 9 I am here to...

Speaker 26 I am here to represent for all immigrants. Give me some fire back there.

Speaker 26 Yes.

Speaker 26 Yes.

Speaker 26 And let me say...

Speaker 26 If Zeb wants to go after immigrant rats, he better be prepared to get Nordon, because we got teeth.

Speaker 17 I may not quite have the muscle mass for this.

Speaker 17 I might need a little help. Mick, Mick, do you mind helping me?

Speaker 5 Mick.

Speaker 5 Yes.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 5 Yes.

Speaker 5 Oh, yes.

Speaker 5 Huh? Yeah. Got this done.

Speaker 26 Okay, take it. Take it.

Speaker 15 Hey, Zeb, you got a problem with immigrants. Now you've got a problem with me.

Speaker 22 Oh, okay.

Speaker 22 Oh, dear.

Speaker 22 Oh, dear, Zeb.

Speaker 9 You've done poked a bear, son.

Speaker 15 Zeb, if you don't like immigrants coming here and taking our jobs, why don't you get your ass out of the ring and pick vegetables 14 hours a day? for 50 cents an hour.

Speaker 18 Exactly. You and boys.

Speaker 33 Or Ted, would you rather the strawberries in your protein shake cost 75 bucks?

Speaker 26 Because that is the economic reality of the situation.

Speaker 16 It's complicated.

Speaker 24 Complicated.

Speaker 15 Immigrants to our toughest, dirtiest jobs.

Speaker 15 Do you have what it takes? The gall, the stones, to step into a basic cable talk show's host chair.

Speaker 20 If your boss goes away for the summer, I don't think you do!

Speaker 9 I don't think you got it.

Speaker 27 What this immigrant does! Yes!

Speaker 27 I've got it! I'll do it!

Speaker 15 Even though Jon Stewart is a TV icon whose hard-won legacy Oliver is pissing away.

Speaker 15 For an audience watching out of nothing but habit.

Speaker 16 No, that's just not.

Speaker 24 No, no, no.

Speaker 15 Learning for the real John's return in September.

Speaker 9 Let's get back on point, Mick. Let's get back on point.
So let's go. Yeah.

Speaker 15 So the next guy who tries to talk smack about immigrants is going to have us to deal with exactly you

Speaker 18 you

Speaker 11 you tell me to speak english you speak english

Speaker 11 you do it

Speaker 15 while immigrants are taking the path to citizenship you'll be crawling down the path to the emergency room yes and the own

Speaker 25 You will only need one document there, a prescription for morphine.

Speaker 27 That's a painkiller, mother f ⁇ !

Speaker 5 Boom!

Speaker 5 Boom!

Speaker 5 So

Speaker 15 you come here next week?

Speaker 10 Yeah, you come here next week, and we will take these chairs, these cold steel chairs,

Speaker 27 and we will unfold them!

Speaker 20 Unfold them.

Speaker 9 Yes, we will, and we will sit down

Speaker 33 and we will discuss the complexities of immigration reform with you.

Speaker 5 We will do it.

Speaker 15 Because immigrants built this country and helped weave it into the vibrant tapestry we call the American dream.

Speaker 25 So if you think you can bully the dreamers, we'll make your life a nightmare.

Speaker 9 We will crush you with charts and graphs showing the net economic benefit.

Speaker 15 of an inclusive policy that embraces the tired, the poor, the huddled masses searching.

Speaker 15 Searching!

Speaker 15 Searching for a better life!

Speaker 33 So, if you, Zeb, have the guts to debate, we'll be here anytime you come down here next week and you say to my face,

Speaker 13 I'm not going to be here next week. I'm producing a documentary on Santa Claus.

Speaker 10 That actually sounds interesting, in which case, Zeb, you should come back in September and ask for Jon Stewart the host and take it up with him.

Speaker 24 Take it up with him.

Speaker 5 But the point about immigration stands let it go make fully everyone for you

Speaker 3 all right everybody that is our show here it is your moment is in officials in India want to set the record straight

Speaker 6 Stewart hey Stewart look I've heard every single thing that you've been saying about me. I hope, my friend, that you are prepared for a world of hurt.

Speaker 12 WWE superstar and poster boy for the authority, Seth Rollins.

Speaker 25 How did you interrupt my moment of Zen?

Speaker 6 Oh, please, please, Stuart. You know me better than that.
I can do anything I want.

Speaker 24 I am all-powerful.

Speaker 12 Settle down, Obi-Wan.

Speaker 11 You're not all-powerful.

Speaker 12 Mind your manners. You know, I've got a little wrestling in my background as well.
I've got a lot of wrestling.

Speaker 18 I'll put you in a half Nelson.

Speaker 27 Maybe a little jibbity gab, a little jibbity gab and everything. Maybe a little flip-flop, a little flip-flack behind the...

Speaker 9 He's right behind me, isn't he? Is he right behind me?

Speaker 18 Is he?

Speaker 34 Real, real tough talk, Stuart. Why don't you shut your mouth and bring it, pal, huh?

Speaker 9 Let me just say this.

Speaker 16 A little beard conditioner would go a long way towards making it.

Speaker 25 And let me tell you this, Rollins.

Speaker 9 I will bring it.

Speaker 2 Although, unfortunately, I don't have it with me right now.

Speaker 12 So I will perhaps look for it and meet you somewhere at a later date, like a gentleman.

Speaker 6 Well, you know what? It's funny you would mention that because I actually came here to give you an invitation.

Speaker 9 Really? Yes.

Speaker 6 How about you show up this Monday night on Monday Night Raw at Newark at the Prudential Center?

Speaker 34 You got the guts, Stuart. I have more than the guts.

Speaker 12 Oh, Jesus. I think I just pulled something when I turned on there, but I do have the guts.

Speaker 5 And I, oh, you're taller than I thought on that on the television.

Speaker 12 It looks like he's all right. Well, Seth Rowlands, everybody, we'll be back next week.
Unless I get crushed on the

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