TDS Time Machine | Wrestlemania

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Wall Street gets a kick in the Nasdaqs. The World Wrestling Federation is going public on the New York Stock Exchange, hoping to body slam the market, pile drive its competitors, and put a

sleeper hold on investors in a story that can only be described as full of dumb metaphors. To welcome the WWF to the big board, today's trading session ended with Stone Cold Steve Austin slamming Alan Greenspan's head into the closing bell.
Now, Daily Show chief financial correspondent Stephen Colbert has been following this story very closely. We go now live to Wall Street for a report.
Stephen! What's the advance word on the trading floor for the wrestling public offering? Well, John, the WWF IPO is creating quite a buzz. Investors are looking for product branding and long-term growth.
You want more, geek? I will kick your short-term bonds so far up your withholdings,

you're going to be picking Fannie Mae's out of your ass for a week.

Steven, wait. Steven, what? Is everything okay down there?

It's nothing, John. Some of the Morgan Stanley foreign debt guys are trash-talking.
Has this wrestling IPO really changed the mood down there on the floor? Well, there's a sense of increased optimism, but that could be attributed to the Fed's restraint on interest rates. Steven, I don't mean to interrupt.
Who was that? Oh, he goes by the name of the underwriter. You don't want a piece of that, John.
I can't. This is shocking.
It seems the floor has really gotten caught up in the spirit of this IPO. You want to know why the yen is down, Yamamoto? No, because you panty wastes can't handle a gold-backed currency.
Never could. The Nikkei is for old ladies and bedwetters.
Oh, oh, nunchucks, right? Steven, is that, did I just hear the closing bell? No, John. It's the opening sounds of whoop-ass season.

Come on! You! You! You will taste the sweet dish of my wrath! Thank you very much. Steven Colbert on the floor of the Wall Street Trading Firm.
Some of you may have watched the program last night. You know that Barack Obama was our guest on the program.
He was not actually here in the studio. The good news, of course, hope can be transmitted via satellite.
Now, it just flies through the air. We've actually had now all the presidential candidates on our show, the three that are remaining.

And I would like to think that appearing on this program is as low as they're going to go.

To pander for votes.

I would like to think that we truly are the bottom of their barrel. Or even not even that, just whatever it is that grows under the bottom of barrels.

That would be us. That would be my hope for them, for our country.
But last night, I go home after the show, as I usually do on a Monday night, put my feet in some Epsom salts, light a cinnamon candle, and I turn on my WWE Raw, and I see this. On the eve of the Pennsylvania primary, all three presidential candidates will be

specifically addressing you, our WWE fans, right here tonight. Let's get ready to stumble.

I'm Hillary Clinton, but tonight, in honor of the WWE WWE you can call me Hillrod

No. I've got one question.

Do you smell what Barack is cooking? Yes! No. Of course, Senator McCain, he's got the nomination sewn up.
He's not gonna have to pepper his message with embarrassing wrestling affectation?

What you gonna do when John McCain

and all his McCainiacs run wild on you? Generally when McCainiacs run wild on me, I rub some Lotrimin on it.

Why do the candidates humiliate themselves

in cable backwaters

like WWE Raw

and The Daily Show?

Because they're running

for president

and the chance

to humiliate themselves

on a network.

I'm thrilled to be on deal

or no deal with you tonight. Come to think of it, I'm thrilled to be on deal or no deal with you tonight.

Come to think of it, I'm thrilled to be anywhere

with high ratings these days.

He's

incredibly unpopular.

For more, we turn to Daily Show senior political analyst Wyatt Cenac in Washington. Wyatt, you know, I'm about done.
I got to tell you. As you scroll down through all these scandals, it's hard to imagine that any of these people believe in anything.
Their ethics are purely situational. Or perhaps they're brain damaged and have no short-term memories.
I don't know. John, here's your problem.
You think politicians want to win their arguments when all they really want to do is keep having them. They know arguments are interesting.
They energize voters. They keep the money flowing in.
You're telling me that their interest is in conflict, not in resolution? Yes. John, do you watch professional wrestling? Yes.
So then you know that right now, Shawn Michaels is angry at The Undertaker. Rightfully so.
Yeah, but they're going to settle it in the squared circle. So it will be done.
Well, unless something were to happen to keep the fight going. I get it.
They have to keep the conflict going. But at least in wrestling, we know the good guys and the bad guys.
Shawn Michaels is a good guy. Undertaker is a bad guy.
Until the swerve when they switch. It keeps the audience interested, and the money, again, keeps flowing.
You're saying that congressional leaders flip on issues to keep conflict going and keep the money flowing, keep their bases interested. John, congresspeople are in office for like 80 or 90 years.
You can't just expect them to do the same character that whole time. It gets boring.
So you're saying like Harry Reid's flip-flop on whether he would like to amend the filibuster is just a pro wrestling move.

That's nuts. That's nuts, Wyatt.

Really? Okay, look, John, I didn't want to have to do this. Mick.
What? No! No! No! Oh!

I brought in Daily Show senior ass kicker Mick Foley to show how easy it is for a politician to work both sides of the filibuster. Foley, save the filibuster.
America, today is your lucky day. The evil majorities think they can shut me up.
That I'll give up. But today, one man can make a difference.
I'm going to step in that ring all alone, and they can come at me with chairs. With bats.
With chairs made of bats.

But none of that matters as long as I have my one special move,

the filibuster.

All right, so it's a very persuasive argument.

Very persuasive, patriotic argument for the filibuster.

I know, he's good.

Now, right, now check this out.

Watch the swerve.

Mick Foley, destroy the filibuster. I know, he's good.
Now, right, now check this out. Watch the swerve.
Mick Foley, destroy the filibuster! You little pissant pencil neck geeks think a filibuster can stop the will of the people. Well I got two words for you.
Reconcile this! It's time for one man, one vote, one beat down. You arrogant windbags think you can obstruct progress.
Well, you might love the sound of your own little voice, but the only thing you're gonna hear tonight is my fist down your throat! Whoa! Whoa! Yeah! Yeah, John, did you hear that? Did you hear his fist?

I believe I heard his ass.

So both sides can take a position,

but isn't that what the news media is for?

To provide context?

Break through the posturing and create a little clarity?

Context, John?

No, the news guys, they're more like the manager,

the color guys.

They got their own take on the filibuster too. Fully! So what you're saying is, the whole thing is fake.
The whole thing is fake, like professional wrestling. Is that what you're saying? What did you say, John? I said, you just, wait, you just used the F word on me.
Hey, hey, hey I thought you guys would watch it. Take a look, Stuart.
What? This used to be my ear. No.
Who's ripped off the side of my head? I want to tap out. You still want to talk? I want to tap out.
You want to talk, man? I want to tap out. Tap out.
No. I'm going to go.
I'm going to go. You want a piece of me.
You want a piece of me. Get him.
Get him. Get him.
Get him. We'll be right back! Get him, folks! Introducing Instagram teen accounts.
A new way to keep your teens safer as they grow. Like making sure they've got the right gear for riding.
Kneepads. Check.
And helmet. Done.
See ya, Dad. New Instagram teen accounts.
Automatic protections for who can contact your teen and the content they can see. We were getting where we couldn't pay the bill.
PG&E asked customers about their biggest concerns so we could address them one by one. That's terrifying.
That's fair. Joe, Regional Vice President, PG&E.
We have to run the business in a way that keeps people safe, but it starts driving costs down. I would love to see that.
We're on our way. I hope so.
PG&E electricity rates are now lower than they were last year. Hear what other customers have to say and what PG&E is doing about it at pge.com slash open dash lines.
As we've seen recently, it's kids, not politicians, who seem to be pushing political change. In fact, most politicians can't even manage to get their own messages out there.
And that's especially true for the Democrats. But luckily, we might have found a way to help the Dems out.
Ronnie Chang reports. Democrats might know how to rally their base, but when they reach out to middle America, they say things like...
You're boring. It's like you don't even care about what you're saying.
No, it's not. And it's no surprise, last election, people in swing states went for a guy who said things like, who's gonna pay for the wall? I'd like to punch him in the face, I'll tell you.
Trump honed his trademark oratorical style, where else? In professional wrestling. And if Democrats were gonna fight back, they needed someone who could go head to head with a WWE Hall of Famer like Trump.
And in the heart of cold country, we found him. Shut your ignorant mouth, cause the progressive liberal has something to say.
Finally, a Democrat who doesn't make me want to change the channel, Dan Richards has been making headlines wrestling as the progressive liberal and riling up small town audiences all over Trump country.

Hillary!

I should have done this a long time ago.

That's a great job.

How hard is it to pretend to have these liberal values?

Oh, I'm not pretending.

You're on the wrong side of history.

Shut up!

But even if the crowd hates him,

the progressive liberal could teach swing state Democrats

Thank you. values.
Oh, I'm not pretending. You're on the wrong side of history.
Shut up! But even if the crowd hates him, the progressive liberal could teach swing state Democrats some classic wrestling techniques for getting voters' attention. You want to stick to broad brushstroke talking points.
Right. So middle America would rather learn about politics through a mostly naked man than by reading a book.
Yeah. But Dan assured me that besides wearing shirts, politicians and wrestlers had one key difference.
People in politics will say anything to get elected, whereas a good wrestler, they're only gonna say things that they truly believe in. So what you're saying is that the level of political discourse in wrestling is actually higher than in politics.
Oh yeah. But with Congress immobilized by partisan politics, what advice did a progressive liberal have for Democrats? Let's say you're Chuck Schumer and Mick McConnell puts you in a headlock.
What do you do? I would reverse it into a top wrist lock. I would stomp on his elbow breaking his wrist.

And then the issue would be resolved.

Without a doubt.

The progressive liberal had some great ideas for updating Democrats' messaging.

But could he take on the heavyweight champ in the White House?

Unfortunately, he was busy golfing.

So we cast someone else to approximate Trump's rhetorical style.

Shut up! Yeah! Introducing the Commander in France! Is it just me or is it getting cold in here? Because there's a snowflake in the ring! I am not a snowflake! Snowflake! Quick pandering! I'm not pandering, I'm one of them. My pandering was working.
Time to take this to the next level. Do you know what this man wants? Let me guess what you want to do with the guns in this country.
Just let me guess. You want to take them away.
I don't want to take away guns. I'm just for really strict background checks.
Okay, that wasn't too hard to understand. And the audience was into it.
Okay, fine. Whatever about guns.
Let me guess what you want to do about marijuana. I think what people want to do behind closed doors should be their business.
I tell you, dude. That is my position as the progressive liberal.
Looks like broad-brush talking points work, especially that marijuana one, Democrats. So maybe let wrestlers crash slogans for your next campaign, like lock guns up or make America great us or just 420 for 2020.
But let's face it, what really turns on swing state crowds isn't words,

it's action. I don't care about your positions because you suck.

Middle America wants a strong

hero who won't back down from a fight.

So Democrats, if you want to beat a

wrestler president, keep it simple

and go on the offensive.

Fake news!

Oh, fake news!

Oh, it's fake news! Welcome to the future of American politics. Immigration, clearly a dominant issue in the country right now, is being discussed everywhere.
And I do mean everywhere. I am speaking to you from within a country that is under siege every day.
We have foreigners flooding our country, sneaking across our border like rats in the street. Hey, hey, I'm one of those rats.
And I'll have you know, I crossed the ocean on a very comfortable Virgin Atlantic flight. The time flew by, so get your facts straight.
So even the WWE currently has a storyline around the immigration debate. And to give them credit, they actually had a good discussion about the ambivalence and hypocrisy at the heart of our policies

Zep Coulter comes out here. He preaches about how Jack Swag is a real American.

People from other countries shouldn't come in here.

We shouldn't take our jobs.

Antonio Cesaro's from another country.

Yes.

And he's now a sociopath.

So he hasn't had a problem with people from other countries.

He has a problem with people from other countries.

You've come here the wrong way.

So he's going to change.

The wrong way.

He's changing his argument tonight to bring in this guy, Antonio Cesaro. Give me a break.
What beautiful dream of television is this? Not only was that technically more articulate a debate than anything we've heard in Congress, but it came with half-naked men fighting. It's like C-Span with elbow drops.

Please, give me more.

Zeb was even mad that John Oliver took his position to John Stewart.

Oh, please.

John Oliver, of course, a very fine British comedian.

Taking over The Daily Show for a couple of months.

What is happening?

What?

You're mad at me.

You're mad at me.

Oh, now this is personal.

I know how pro wrestling works.

You trash talk about me.

I've got to trash talk right back at you.

So come on, Zeb. If that is your real fake name, let's do this.
Let's do this thing. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
I am here to... I am here to represent for all immigrants.
Give me some fire back there. Yes.
Yes. And let me say, if Zeb wants to go after immigrant rats, he better be prepared to get...
to get Nordon, because we got teeth. Hmm.
Hmm. I may not quite have the muscle mass for this.
I might need a little help. Mick, Mick, do you mind helping me? Mick.
Yes. Yeah.
Yeah. Yes.
Oh, yes. Huh? Yeah? I got this done.
Okay. Take it.
Take it. Hey, Zeb, you got a problem with immigrants.
Now you've got a problem with me. Oh, dear.
Oh, dear. Oh, dear, Zeb.
You done poked a bear, son. Zeb, if you don't like immigrants coming here and taking our jobs, why don't you get your ass out of the ring and pick vegetables 14 hours a day for 50 cents an hour? Exactly.
You're on point. Or, or, or, Zab, would you rather the strawberries in your protein shake cost 75 bucks because that is the economic reality of the situation? It's complicated.
Complicated. Excellentigrants do our toughest, dirtiest jobs.
Do you have what it takes, the gall, the stones, to step into a basic cable talk show's host chair? If your boss goes away for the summer, I don't think you do! I don't think you've got it.

But this immigrant does!

Yes!

I've got it! I'll do it!

Even though Jon Stewart is a TV icon

whose hard-won legacy, Oliver is pissing away.

Whoa!

For an audience watching out of nothing but habit.

No, no, no, no.

Learning for the real Jon's return in September.

Thank you. You tell me to speak English, you f***ing speak English.

You do it.

While immigrants are taking the path to citizenship,

you'll be crawling down the path to the emergency room.

Yes, and you will only need one document there,

a prescription for morphine.

That's a painkiller, mother... Boom! Boom! Boom! So...
You come here next week? Yeah. You come here next week, and we will take these chairs, these cold steel chairs, and we will unfold them! We will unfold them.
Yes, we will. And we will sit down.
And we will discuss the complexities of immigration reform with you. We will do it.
Because immigrants built this country and helped weave it into the vibrant tapestry we call the American dream.

So if you think you can bully the dreamers, we'll make your life a nightmare.

We will crush you with charts and graphs showing the net economic benefit of an inclusive policy that embraces the tired, the poor, the huddled masses searching. Searching.
Searching for a better life. So, if you, Zeb, have the guts to debate, we'll be here any time you come down here next week and you say to my face, I'm not gonna be here next week.
I'm producing a documentary on Santa Claus.

That actually sounds interesting. In which case, Zeb, you should come back in September

and ask for John Stewart, the host, and take it up with him.

Take it up with him.

But the point about immigration stands.

Yes, it does.

Mick Foley, everyone.

Thank you.

We'll be right back. All right, everybody, that is our show.
Here it is, your moment of zen. Officials in India want to set the record straight.
Stuart. Hey, Stuart, look, I've heard every single thing that you've been saying about me.
I hope, my friend, that you are prepared for a world of hurt. WWE superstar and poster boy for the authority, Seth Rollins? Mm-hmm.
How did you interrupt my moment of zen? How? Oh, please, please, Stuart. You know me better than that.
I can do anything I want. I am all-powerful.
Settle down, Obi-Wan. You're not all-powerful.
Mind your manners. You know, I've got a little wrestling in my background as well.
I've got all the wrestling. I'll put you in a half, Nelson.
Maybe a little jiggity-jab. A little jiggity-jab of the thing.
Maybe a little flick-flack. A little flip-flack.
Behind the... He's right behind me, isn't he? Is he right behind you? Is he? Real, real tough talk, Stuart.
Why don't you shut your mouth and bring it, pal, huh? Let me just say this. A little beard conditioner would go a long way towards me.
And let me tell you this, Rollins, I will bring it. Although unfortunately, I don't have it with me right now.
So I will perhaps look for it and meet you somewhere at a later date, like a gentleman. Well, you know what? It's funny you would mention that because I actually came here to give you an invitation.
Really? Yes. How about you show up this Monday night on Monday Night Raw at Newark at the Prudential Center.
You got the guts, Stuart. I have more than the...
Oh, Jesus. I think I just pulled something when I turned on there.
But I do have the guts, and I... Oh, you're taller than I thought on that.
On the television, it looks like he's... All right, well, Seth Rollins, everybody.
We'll be back next week unless I get crushed on the... Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe

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