TDS Time Machine | Tax Day

We were getting where we couldn't pay the bill.

PG&E asked customers about their biggest concerns so we could address them one by one.

That's terrifying.

That's fair.

Joe, Regional Vice President, PG&E.

We have to run the business in a way that keeps people safe, but it starts driving costs down.

I would love to see that.

We're on our way.

I hope so.

PG&E electricity rates are now lower than they were last year.

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All right, sweetie pie buckle up. Good job.
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Give it a try.

Nice.

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Knees too, okay?

Yep.

There you go.

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You're listening to Comedy

Central.

Happy April 15th. It's tax

day.

Or as Wesley Snipes calls calls it huh what what was i supposed to oh oh i have to make a call of course it's a mad rush everybody's scrambling to get their returns done by the deadline it is a mess i have a solution ladies and gentlemen everybody is always scrambling at the last minute on april 15th to get their taxes done so let's make tax day the 16th that way everybody can just relax problem solved unless i have fundamentally misunderstood human nature and i don't think i have but this year tax day has some other kind of big surprises in store tax tea party day today so-called tea parties or tea parties tea parties tea parties hundreds of tea parties did you hear that mr. Bartholomew a tea party I hope we're.
I'll bring my signature cucumber sandwiches.

The secret is I use real cucumbers.

It is that kind of tea party, right?

T, in this case, TEA, stands for taxed enough already.

Folks across country organizing all these tea parties today to sort of symbolic protests of high taxes and excess government spending. Oh, protesting high taxes.
Good luck selling that one. I mean, if there's one thing I know about the American people, they love baseball, kicking ass, and paying taxes to the government.
And discreetly build hotel porn. So, four things.
This is like the Boston Tea Party for people that decided, let's say, I don't know, two and a half months ago, that they didn't want to pay taxes anymore. The Tea Part is just a metaphor.
Look, this truck right here, as you can see, has one million tea bags. That's what a million bags of tea looks like.
Let me get this straight. To protest wasteful spending, you bought a million tea bags.
Are you protesting taxes or irony? But clearly, the tea parties are a big story. Hundreds of tax protests all over the country.
Thousands of disgruntled people of non-color taking to the streets. And it wouldn't be possible without the sponsors.
Like, discontent. The emotion you feel when you don't get what you want.
And tea. The drink you order when they don't have what you want.
And corporate sponsorship provided by Fox News. The news you watch when news isn't what you want.
Don't forget our big tax day tea party. I will be in Atlanta April 15th.
Foxnews.com slash America's Newsroom. We have an entire section devoted to the growing tea party movement.
It's a movement that is sweeping the nation.

It is a grassroots movement.

This is a organic grassroots movement.

This is a nationwide phenomenon.

It's free and open to the public.

Nobody, I'm inviting everybody right now.

Just get out and let your face be seen.

Should I start begging for people to come?

I invite you to be a part of one of them.

Bring your kids experience history.

Kids, don't get in that guy's van! Don't do it! So while it may look to the untrained eye that a news organization is sponsoring a grassroots partisan tax revolt, it would be a very narrow reading. Fox is not sponsoring any of them, but we have been covering them.
I don't know if you understand what sponsorship means. You may not be paying for the honor, but when you put your network's initials in front of the words, tea party, as in FNC tax day tea parties, it implies, if not direct sponsorship, a certain amount of ownership.
For instance, Tostitos Fiesta Bowl. Or the Buick Invitational.
Or Larry Flint's Hustler Club. By the way, great neighbors.
One block down, to the right. This afternoon, President Bush signed into law the extension of his tax cut package, a $70 billion giveback, despite a deficit that stands around $300 trillion.
Here to provide some insight is our resident expert, John Hodgman. John, thank you so much for having me.
I guess the issue is a lot of people are upset, not so much at the tax cut, but who the tax cut appears to be aimed at.

Well, it's true that these reductions in capital gains and dividend taxes tend to favor those people who already have money to invest.

You can see here how the money will be apportioned.

If this pie chart represents the $70 billion in tax cuts, then the majority of that will go to people making over $200,000 a year, or as the government refers to them, citizens. But most working Americans fall at the other end of the income spectrum.
So your audience, for example, college students, bloggers, panhandlers, deadbeats, that sort of thing, will call them the Morlocks. They will receive less of the pie,

which is fine, as the Morlocks are loathsome underground dwellers

who eat human flesh and don't really like pie.

The way you've explained the tax cuts, it really doesn't seem very fair.

Well, fairness isn't the point.

They don't call economics the dismal science because it's fair.

Well, I suppose not. No, no, they call it that after Sir Eustace Dismal.
The 18th century English economist who proposed making smokestacks out of children. I, uh, I actually, I never knew that.
It was a very interesting proposal, but ultimately flawed. I mean, if you make the smokestacks out of children, who will you force to clean them? It's referred to as Dismal's Paradox.
John, what is the economic justification for extending the tax cuts? Well, the idea is that tax cuts stimulate the overall economy by encouraging investment at the top and creating thus jobs at every level of society, be they butlers, diamond-tipped cane polishers, or monocle smiths. It may be true in theory, but it does seem in recent years that the gap between rich and poor...
No, no, between the citizens and Morlocks. The gap between citizens and Morlocks has widened under these programs.
Yes, if you define rich and poor in traditional ways. This administration wants Americans to understand that wealth is not the only measure of riches.
Look at Dick Cheney. Financially, he's obscenely wealthy, but he's clearly unhappy.
I wouldn't be surprised if he's visited by no less than three ghosts a night. I know you're saying that he could be visited by more than three ghosts? Yeah, well, you know, ghost of Christmas past, present, future, pluperfect.
Ghost of Christmas subjunctive. Now, those are not ghosts.
I believe those are tenses. Whatever.
My point is, rather than wasting time bemoaning these tax cuts, John Q, who used to be middle class and now eats salt and pepper sandwiches, should rejoice. He'll never have the problems of, say, a wealthy man who sits embittered and henpecked, trapped in his deluxe apartment in the sky.
Rather, the average American can now enjoy the far richer life yet led by a carefree young man surrounded by a loving religious family with lots of leisure time to pursue his painting. Good times.
John, uh, for your examples, you've actually cited fictional characters, and, uh, in fact, the people who play them are quite wealthy. Uh, not Jimmy J.J.
Walker. I don't...
I don't think so. No.
All right. John Hodgman, everybody.
We'll be right back after this. When a news story falls to the cracks, Louis Black catches it for a segment we call Back in Black.
Whether you say our economy is in a recession or a slowdown or a war on money. One thing's for sure.
The American people are literally losing the shirts off their back. Just look at this poor young orphan.
At least I assume she's an orphan. What kind of parents would let that happen? Fortunately, the president is ready to bail us out with an economic stimulus package.
There's two aspects to that package I want to spend some time talking about. One of them is is that you're going to get some money.
Finally, a waste of the taxpayers' money I can get behind. But I'm sorry, you said there were two aspects to the package.
Secondly, we wanted to make sure that people were encouraged to be consumers. Thirdly, it turns out that this money is going to be very helpful.
And fourthly, it's big enough. Fourthly? Fourthly? Who wouldn't trust an economic plan from that guy? So how's it work? Well, right now the IRS is sending out rebate checks of $600 per person and $1,200 per couple.
But that's not all. If you've got a kid, you can get up to $300 per child.
$300 per child? I can get twice that on the black market.

Naturally, the administration

thinks the rebate is the best thing

since sliced taxes.

And I hope you're pleased that

rather than dreaming up some new programs,

your government has decided to

give you money, give you cash

so you can decide how best to use it.

Finally, I get to use my tax money the way I want to? I wonder who I can invade for $600. But how are John and J&Q public going to spend their windfall? I'll use it to pay bills.
What I don't use to pay a bill will probably I just put in the bank and save.

You're going to pay your bills? Maybe I'd believe you more if you weren't standing in a Best Buy unless your bank is inside one of those iPod docking stations.

At least he wasn't standing in a fireworks and porn store.

That's where I'd be.

But there's also a dark side to the stimulus package.

I'll see you next time. standing in a fireworks and porn store.
That's where I'd be. But there's also a dark side to the stimulus package.
Con men are impersonating the IRS, pretending to give you your tax refund or one of those rebate checks meant to kickstart the economy. The scam emails sure look legit, grabbing your attention with headers like IRS notification.
Please read this. And to collect your money, all you have to do is just click here.
Maybe I can help. Don't click there! At the end of the day, this stimulus plan is about Americans buying crap to save an economy destroyed by America's love of buying crap.
Will it work? Well, I've got 600 lottery tickets that say, I don't care! John? Lewis! Lewis Black, everybody. We'll be right back.
We were getting where we couldn't pay the bill. PG&E asked customers about their biggest concerns so we could address them one by one.

That's terrifying.

That's fair.

Joe, Regional Vice President, PG&E.

We have to run the business in a way that keeps people safe, but it starts driving costs down.

I would love to see that.

We're on our way.

I hope so.

PG&E electricity rates are now lower than they were last year.

Hear what other customers have to say and what PG&E is doing about it at pge.com slash open dash lines. Introducing Instagram teen accounts, a new way to keep your teen safer as they grow, like making sure they've got the right gear for riding.
Kneepads. Check.
And helmet. Done.
See you, Dad. New Instagram teen accounts, automatic protections for who can contact your teen and the content they can see.
That sound? It's lucky cutting prices on over 4,000 items across our stores. We cut prices, not corners.
Same quality, much lower prices on what matters most to your family. This week, 7-Up, A&W, and other select six-pack bottles are a ridiculous 99 cents each.
That's a $7 savings on each six-pack with an additional qualifying purchase of $50 or more. And Green Bell Peppers are, Tax Day, April 15th.
As the economy continues to ride a wave of instability, many are looking for new and innovative ways to cheat. I'm sorry, save on their taxes.
Our own Ed Helms investigates one very interesting option. For most Americans, paying taxes costs money.
But it doesn't have to. A quick reading of the U.S.
tax code will tell you you need to hire an accounting firm, and what they'll tell you is what they've told thousands of American corporations. Taxes are for douchebags.
That's why smart companies have moved offshore, where they don't have to pay taxes. You may be saying, but I live in America.
Well, that doesn't mean your money has to.

Come on!

There's no better place to share your income than offshore.

Right here is the beautiful Cayman Islands. It's a tropical tax haven.
Sheltering your money here couldn't be easier. After choosing which SPF to use, the next toughest decision is which of the Cayman's 600 banks to go with.
See if you can figure out why I chose this one. Well, hello.
Um, how hard would it be for me to move my company offshore? There are a lot of legality things that you do have to go through. Right, of course there are laws.
There are no laws, there are legitimate laws. We have stringent legislation.
People can't just bring their money here in suitcases anymore. Right.
But apparently that explanation isn't good enough for tax lovers like CPA John Lieberman. According to the U.S.
Treasury, billions upon billions of dollars are lost by the use of these offshore tax havens by U.S. corporations.
These corporations are just trying to maximize profits. Well, there's a difference between maximizing profits and not paying taxes.
God, that's good. Excuse me? No, I meant what you just said was really good.
At the end of the day, all they're doing is moving paper around. It's legal.
No, it's not legal. The registration and the reincorporation.
Hang on, hang on. Did you get me a receipt for that pina colada? No.
No? Sorry, what? The registration and the reincorporation is, but the actual interpretation, most people do not follow the real regulations. The regulations in the Cayman Islands, the financial regulations, are very stringent.
Gee, who should I listen to? That's better. Oh yeah, there we go.

A little more. Yeah.
You just can't draw money in for no reason without us asking lots of questions. We have to do our due diligence on you.
You can do your due diligence on me anytime.

But how do over 30,000 corporations

manage to squeeze onto such a small

island? One visit to Tyco's

headquarters showed us the answer

is smart use of space.

Mr. Chairman?

Hello?

Mr. Chairman?

I'd like to ask you a few questions. Is this a value pack? Despite all the advantages of setting up shop here, some people just don't get it.
What's the BFD if a corporation wants to put its headquarters in the Cayman Islands? What I really believe is that if you're going to do this, then you can end up in Hawaii and just be in just as nice a location. Hawaii? Hawaii is for losers who like taking it up the IRS.
High five. No, it's awesome.
As I said, by not having the corporation... My peeps, hot on out.
Hot on enough. Say that again.
You cut out, John. They are not...
John, I'm getting really bad reception. Could you speak up, please? I can't hear you.
I can hear you now. Can you hear me? Yes.
There's some kind of loud humming noise. I can't, I just can't hear you dude.
I'm sorry buddy. You're breaking up.
You're breaking up. Of course life in the Caymans isn't all business.
At about seven o'clock the shoes are off, the jacket's off, and we know how to have fun.

That's a relief, because if I had to do any more banking, I'd have to put my balls on ice.

Ed Helms, we'll be right back.

For more on the proposed tax cuts,

we turn to a man who's watched Wolf of Wall Street three times, Michael Kosta, everybody. Bonjour, Trev.
That's Rich for hello. Okay.
Kosta, hopefully you can explain. Trump already gave wealthy people a huge tax cut last year.
Why give them another one? Cool it with the class warfare, Acasio Cortez. Okay, it just so happens that anyone can take advantage of these tax cuts.
For example, let's say you made a cool mill last year off a $10 million hedge fund investment. Now you can re-index that baseline 2% to account for inflation, which means you just got an extra 30K.
I mean, that'll cover my penis reduction surgery. Am I right, Trevor? I could even loan you a couple inches.
I'm just kidding. I know you got a hog.
Most people don't have $10 million.

We're talking about the middle class.

Okay, middle class. That's fine.

Let's say you're a middle class yacht owner,

like 35 feet max.

Couldn't land a helicopter on that thing.

You can just use these cuts as a tax shelter,

borrow $500,000 to invest in your buddy Dino's revenge porn business,

then you can deduct that interest

and only pay tax on the inflation-adjusted gains. Trevor, I say cha, you say ching.
Cha! Cha! Do you want to say cha? Costa, I feel like there's no way you actually understand what you just said. Of course I don't, Trevor.
That's why I have a broker. He'll clear this up.
Okay. Hey, Chandler, what's up, you bitch? Yeah, I'm trying to explain monies to my boss.
How's this tax thing work again? What? Right now? You are right? Go. Go.
I'll see you at Polo. I got his voicemail.
Costa, why do you have a broker, man? I know for a fact that you're not rich. Yeah, not yet.
But Donald Trump promised Americans that we're all gonna be rich,

and he's never lied before.

So call me poor, Trevor.

Don't call me poor, Trevor.

Call me pre-rich.

So...

Okay, wait, wait.

Then how much is your net worth right now?

How much is an iPhone worth?

About $900.

Well, then I'm worth $900, baby!

What up?!

Michael Kosta, everyone. We'll be right back.
He's got a hard work. That's what I love.
That's a fun. We were getting where we couldn't pay the bill.
PG&E asked customers about their biggest concerns so we could address them one by one. That's terrifying.
That's fair. Joe, Regional Vice President, PG&E.
We have to run the business in a way that keeps people safe, but it starts driving costs down. I would love to see that.
We're on our way. I hope so.
PG&E electricity rates are now lower than they were last year. Hear what other customers have to say and what PG&E is doing about it at pge.com slash open dash lines.
Introducing Instagram teen accounts. A new way to keep your teen safer as they grow.

Like making sure they always have their seatbelt on.

Alright sweetie pie, buckle up.

Good job.

Or ring the bell on their bike.

Okay kid, give it a try.

Nice.

Or remember their elbow pads.

Knees too, okay?

Yep.

There you go.

New Instagram teen accounts.

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If you hate paying taxes, first of all, congratulations on being basic and also congratulations on being a billionaire. A bombshell report by ProPublica reveals just how little the wealthiest Americans have been paying in taxes.
ProPublica obtained more than 15 years of never before seen IRS information about the 25 richest Americans and found that sometimes they paid little or no federal income taxes. In 2018, for example, ProPublica found Elon Musk paid no federal income tax.
Neither did Jeff Bezos in 2007 or 2011, the same year he claimed a $4,000 child tax credit. And renowned investor Warren Buffett avoided the most tax of any of the billionaires ProPublica looked at, according to the report.
As shocking as it is, nothing that they did is illegal. Everything that they did is in keeping with our tax code.
And the basic reason is we tax income, not wealth. Rich people often grow their fortunes through stocks, real estate, or companies, so they don't have to pay taxes until they sell.
And they can offset their income in other ways, too, meaning it's legal to be worth a lot and pay a little. Ooh-wee! It's good to be a billionaire.
I mean, imagine being so rich that you can afford accountants who make you look poor. Think about it.
Jeff Bezos is so good at hiding his wealth that he qualified for a child tax credit. This dude built his own rocket to take him to space.
And the U.S. government is like, hey, brother, here's something for the kids until you can get back on your feet.
Hard times, Jeff. And yeah, this is something that everyone already suspected, but it's still shocking to see proof right in front of you.
It's the difference between knowing how hot dogs are made and watching them put the puppies in the machines. Yo, that's crazy.
Well, then what was I eating? And the thing is, much like wearing cargo shorts to the pride parade,

these tax loopholes are both messed up

and completely legal.

So if you wanna change the system,

then you need to take action

and write to your congressperson.

Then your congressperson can hold your letter in one hand

and the campaign check from the billionaire in the other hand

and decide which one they want to wipe their ass with. I love America.
It's the only country where you can get a burger and a liposuction at the same drive-through. But as someone who's also lived all around the world, I feel a responsibility to let America know that a lot of the things it does are super weird to the rest of us.
And one of those things is how America does money. It's tax season, which right off the bat is a sign that something is wrong, okay? because taxes shouldn't have a whole season.
Seasons are supposed to be for exciting stuff, like baseball season or wedding season or season two of Bridgerton. I can't wait to see which British person is jizzing on who this time.
But America decided that filing taxes should be as quick and painless as getting a root canal at the DMV. I mean, you got your 1099s, you got your Form 1040s, you got your Schedule Cs, you got your R2D2s, you got your Blink 182s.
You spend days trying to figure out what you owe the government, and then the government tells you if you're right because apparently they knew the whole freaking time. It's like the world's most pointless game show.
Aside from the price is right, obviously, because nobody should get a new car for knowing how much ketchup costs. Look, I hate to break it to you guys, but in a lot of other countries, the government does all that filing for you.
Yeah, they do the math, they send you a statement, and if it looks good, you click okay, and then you're done. It's so easy, a baby could do it, but they don't have to because they're lazy freeloaders who don't pay taxes.
It's not just your income taxes. All taxes in America are weird.
In a lot of other countries, you see a price on something and that's how much it costs because that's the whole point of a goddamn price. But no, not in America.
When you pay for something in America, they hit you with the surprise sales tax. They're basically catfishing you.
I know that $600 TV looks good, but it's lying. It's 650 and it has a secret family.
But don't get me wrong. Taxes are far from America's only insane money issue.
Okay, I know you guys are used to it, but I need you to realize that the way you tip in this country is not normal. Everywhere else, a tip is a show of appreciation, not a GoFundMe for someone who doesn't earn a living wage.
A waiter's ability to pay rent shouldn't depend on how generous Becky feels after three martinis. And the real issue is how arbitrary your tipping is.
You tip the guy who delivers your food, but not the guy who delivers your packages. And you tip the person who made your coffee, but not the person who made your Big Mac.
And don't even get me started on tip jars. Okay, you don't have to put money in, but if you do, you gotta make a big show of it.
I like to shoot my cash into the jar like a basketball was shouting, he tips, he scores! If you bank it off the cashier, they usually notice. But as weird as taxes and tipping are in America, let's not forget about the actual money itself.
Because American physical currency sucks. I don't know if you know this, but in other countries, every denomination is a different size because it makes it easier to tell them apart, especially if you're blind.

But apparently blind people don't need to use money in America because look at this shit. Same exact size.
All of it. You gotta look over each individual bill to figure out which slave owner to hand over.
And while we're talking about your strange money, who decided a pyramid for freaking eye was a normal thing to put on the dollar? Hey, rule of thumb, America. If Nick Cage can make a movie about your money, you're doing it wrong.
Not to mention the pennies. Like why do these still exist when everyone's just trying to get rid of them? Even convenience stores have that take a penny, leave a penny dish.
It's like an animal shelter for unwanted money. Did you know that America actually loses money making pennies? If you're gonna have a hobby that loses you money,

get a gambling addiction like a normal person, okay?

Listen, your whole financial system's stupid

and I hate it, all right?

The money, the tipping, the taxes.

That's why I found a way to avoid dealing

with it altogether, all right?

The secret is they can't tax you if they don't know

you have it.

So much easier

robbing a bank in Europe. shows from the Daily Show Podcast universe by searching The Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts.
Watch The Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount+. Paramount Podcasts.
We were getting where we couldn't pay the bill. PG&E asked customers about their biggest concerns so we could address them one by one.
That's terrifying. That's fair.
Joe, Regional Vice President, PG&E. We have to run the business in a way that keeps people safe, but it starts driving costs down.
I would love to see that. We're on our way.
I hope so. PG&E electricity rates are now lower than they were last year.
Hear what other customers have to say and what PG&E is doing about it at pge.com slash open dash lines. Time is precious and so are our pets.
So time with our pets is extra precious. That's why we started Dutch.
Dutch provides 24-7 access to licensed vets with unlimited virtual visits and follow-ups for up to five pets. You can message a vet at any time and schedule a video visit the same day.
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