TDS Time Machine | Tax Day

Speaker 1 This is an iHeart podcast.

Speaker 2 You're listening to Comedy Central.

Speaker 5 Or as Wesley Snipes calls it, huh?

Speaker 4 What?

Speaker 5 What was I supposed to?

Speaker 4 Oh.

Speaker 5 Oh, I have to make a call.

Speaker 5 Of course, it's a mad rush. Everybody's scrambling to get their returns done by the deadline.
It is a mess. I have a solution.

Speaker 5 Ladies and gentlemen, everybody is always scrambling at the last minute on April 15th to get their taxes done. So let's make Tax Day the 16th.

Speaker 5 That way, everybody can just relax. Problem solved.
Unless I have fundamentally misunderstood human nature.

Speaker 4 And I don't think I have.

Speaker 5 But this year, Tax Day has some other kind of big surprises in store.

Speaker 5 Tax tea party day today.

Speaker 6 So-called tea parties or tea parties.

Speaker 7 Tea parties. Tea parties.

Speaker 8 Hundreds of tea parties.

Speaker 5 Did you hear that, Mr.

Speaker 9 Bossol of you?

Speaker 4 A tea party.

Speaker 5 I hope we're invited. I'll bring my signature cucumber sandwiches.

Speaker 5 The secret is, I use real cucumbers.

Speaker 5 It is that kind of tea party, right?

Speaker 10 Tea, in this case, TEA, stands for taxed enough already. Folks across the country organizing all these tea parties today to sort of symbolic protests of high taxes and excess government spending.

Speaker 5 Protesting high taxes. Good luck selling that one.
I mean, if there's one thing I know about the American people, they love baseball, kicking ass,

Speaker 5 and paying taxes to the government

Speaker 5 and discreetly build hotel porn. So

Speaker 5 four things. This is like the Boston Tea Party for people that decided, let's say, I don't know, two and a half months ago, that they didn't want to pay taxes anymore.
The tea part is just a metaphor.

Speaker 11 Look, this truck right here, as you can see, has one million tea bags. That's what a million bags of tea looks like.

Speaker 5 Let me get this straight. To protest wasteful spending.

Speaker 5 You bought a million tea bags.

Speaker 5 Are you protesting taxes or irony?

Speaker 5 But clearly, the tea parties are a big story. Hundreds of tax protests all over the country, thousands of disgruntled people of non-color taking to the streets.

Speaker 5 And it wouldn't be

Speaker 5 possible without the sponsors, like discontent, the emotion you feel when you don't get what you want. And tea, the drink you order when they don't have what you want.

Speaker 5 And corporate sponsorship provided by Fox News, the news you watch when news isn't what you want.

Speaker 12 Don't forget our big tax day tea party.

Speaker 13 I will be in Atlanta April 15th.

Speaker 6 Foxnews.com slash America's Newsroom. We have an entire section devoted to the growing tea party movement.

Speaker 8 It's a movement that is sweeping the nation.

Speaker 14 It is a grassroots movement.

Speaker 13 This is a organic grassroots movement.

Speaker 14 This is a nationwide phenomenon.

Speaker 6 It's free and open to the public. Nobody, I'm inviting everybody right now.

Speaker 15 Just get out and let your face be seen.

Speaker 6 Should I start begging for people to come?

Speaker 16 I invite you to be a part of one of them. Bring your kids.
Experience history.

Speaker 3 Kids, don't get in that guy's van!

Speaker 3 Don't do it!

Speaker 5 So while it may look to the untrained eye that a news organization is sponsoring a grassroots partisan tax revolt, It would be a very narrow reading.

Speaker 6 Fox is not sponsoring any of them, but we we have been covering them.

Speaker 5 I don't know if you understand what sponsorship means.

Speaker 5 You may not be paying for the honor, but when you put your network's initials in front of the words tea party, as in FNC Tax Day Tea Parties, it implies, if not direct sponsorship, a certain amount of ownership.

Speaker 5 For instance, Tostito's Fiesta Bowl,

Speaker 5 or the Buick Invitational,

Speaker 17 or Larry Flint's Hustler Club.

Speaker 5 By the way, great neighbors.

Speaker 13 One block down to the right.

Speaker 5 This afternoon, President Bush signed into law the extension of his tax cut package, a $70 billion give back, despite a deficit that stands around $300 trillion.

Speaker 5 Here to provide some insight is our resident expert, John Hodgman. John, thank you so much.

Speaker 5 I guess the issue is a lot of people are upset, not so much at at the tax cut, but who the tax cut appears to be aimed at.

Speaker 18 Well, it's true that these reductions in capital gains and dividend taxes tend to favor those people who already have money to invest. You can see here how the money will be apportioned.

Speaker 18 If this pie chart represents the $70 billion in tax cuts, then the majority of that will go to people making over $200,000 a year,

Speaker 18 or as the government refers to them, citizens.

Speaker 18 But most working Americans fall at the other end of the income spectrum. So your audience, for example, college students, bloggers, panhandlers, deadbeats, that sort of thing,

Speaker 18 we'll call them the Morlocks.

Speaker 18 They will receive less of the pie, which is fine, as the Morlocks are loathsome underground dwellers who eat human flesh

Speaker 18 and don't really like pie.

Speaker 5 The way you've explained the tax cuts, it really doesn't seem very fair.

Speaker 18 Well, fairness isn't the point. They don't call economics the dismal science because it's fair.

Speaker 5 Well, I suppose not.

Speaker 18 No, no, they call it that after Sir Eustace Dismal,

Speaker 18 the 18th century English economist who proposed making smokestacks out of children.

Speaker 5 Actually,

Speaker 5 I never knew that. No, yeah,

Speaker 18 it was a very interesting proposal, but ultimately flawed. I mean,

Speaker 18 if you make the smokestacks out of children, who are you force to clean them?

Speaker 18 It's referred to as Dismal's paradox.

Speaker 13 John,

Speaker 5 what is the economic justification for extending the tax cuts?

Speaker 18 Well, the idea is that tax cuts stimulate the overall economy by encouraging investment at the top and creating thus jobs at every level of society, be they butlers, diamond-tipped cane polishers,

Speaker 18 or monocle smiths.

Speaker 5 It may be true in theory,

Speaker 5 but it does seem in recent years that the gap between rich and poor

Speaker 18 between the citizens and Morlocks.

Speaker 5 The gap between citizens and Morlocks has widened under these programs.

Speaker 18 Yes, if you define rich and poor in traditional ways. This administration wants Americans to understand that wealth is not the only measure of riches.

Speaker 18 Look at Dick Cheney. Financially, he's obscenely wealthy, but he's clearly unhappy.
I wouldn't be surprised if he's visited by no less than three ghosts a night.

Speaker 18 I know the

Speaker 13 you're saying that he could be visited by more than three ghosts?

Speaker 18 Yeah, well, you know, ghost of Christmas past, present, future, plu-perfect,

Speaker 18 ghost of Christmas subjunctive.

Speaker 13 Now,

Speaker 5 those are not ghosts. I believe those are tenses.

Speaker 18 Whatever. My point is.

Speaker 18 Rather than wasting time bemoaning these tax cuts, John Q, used to be middle class and now eats salt and pepper sandwiches, should rejoice.

Speaker 18 He'll never have the problems of, say, a wealthy man who sits embittered and henpecked, trapped in his deluxe apartment in the sky.

Speaker 18 Rather, the average American can now enjoy the far richer life led by a carefree young man, surrounded by a loving, religious family with lots of leisure time to pursue his painting.

Speaker 18 Good times.

Speaker 5 John, for your examples, you've actually cited fictional characters, and in fact, the people who play them are quite wealthy.

Speaker 18 Not Jamie J.J. Walker.

Speaker 5 I don't think so. All right.
John Hodgman, everybody.

Speaker 3 We'll be right back after this.

Speaker 5 When a news story falls to the cracks, Lewis Black catches it for a segment we call Back in Black.

Speaker 3 Whether you say our economy is in a recession or a slowdown or a war on money, one thing's for sure: the American people are literally losing the shirts off their back.

Speaker 3 Just look at this poor young orphan.

Speaker 3 At least I assume she's an orphan. What kind of parents would let that happen?

Speaker 3 Fortunately, the president is ready to bail us out with an economic stimulus package.

Speaker 13 There's two aspects to that package I want to spend some time talking about. One of them is that you're going to get some money.

Speaker 3 Finally, a waste of the taxpayers' money I can get behind.

Speaker 3 But I'm sorry, you said there were two aspects to the package.

Speaker 13 Secondly, we wanted to make sure that people were encouraged to be consumers. Thirdly, it turns out that this money is going to be very helpful.
And fourthly, it's big enough.

Speaker 4 Fourthly.

Speaker 3 Fourthly,

Speaker 3 who wouldn't trust an economic plan from that guy?

Speaker 3 So how's it work? Well, right now the IRS is sending out rebate checks of $600 per person and $1,200 per couple, but that's not all.

Speaker 1 If you got a kid, you can get up to $300 per child.

Speaker 2 $300 per child?

Speaker 3 I can get twice that on the black market.

Speaker 3 Naturally, the administration thinks the rebate is the best thing since sliced taxes.

Speaker 20 And I hope you're pleased that rather than dreaming up some new programs, your government has decided to give you money, give you cash, so you can decide how best to use it.

Speaker 3 Finally, I get to use my tax money the way I want to?

Speaker 3 I wonder who I can invade for $600.

Speaker 3 But how are John and JQ Public gonna spend their windfall?

Speaker 3 What I'll use it to pay bills, what I don't use to pay a bill, will probably I'll just put in the bank and and save you're gonna pay your bills maybe I'd believe you more if you weren't standing in a best buy unless your bank is inside one of those iPod docking stations

Speaker 3 at least he wasn't standing in a fireworks and porn store

Speaker 3 that's where I'd be

Speaker 21 but there's also a dark side to the stimulus package Con men are impersonating the IRS, pretending to give you your tax refund or one of those rebate checks meant to kickstart the economy?

Speaker 7 The scam email sure look legit, grabbing your attention with headers like IRS notification. Please read this.
And to collect your money, all you have to do is just click here.

Speaker 3 Maybe I can help.

Speaker 9 Don't click there.

Speaker 3 At the end of the day, this stimulus plan is about Americans buying crap. to save an economy destroyed by America's love of buying crap.

Speaker 3 Will it work?

Speaker 3 Well, I've got 600 lottery tickets that say, I don't care.

Speaker 9 John, Lewis, Lewis Dorrit, we're going all the way back.

Speaker 5 Now, a week before Earth Day was, of course, Tax Day, April 15th.

Speaker 5 As the economy continues to ride a wave of instability, many are looking for new and innovative ways to cheat, I'm sorry, save on their taxes.

Speaker 2 Our own Ed Helms investigates one very interesting option.

Speaker 2 For most Americans, paying taxes costs money, but it doesn't have to. A quick reading of the U.S.

Speaker 2 tax code will tell you you need to hire an accounting firm, and what they'll tell you is what they've told thousands of American corporations. Taxes are for douchebags.

Speaker 15 That's why smart companies have moved offshore where they don't have to pay taxes.

Speaker 2 You may be saying, but I live in America. Well, that doesn't mean your money has to.

Speaker 4 Come on.

Speaker 4 There's no better place to shelter your income than offshore

Speaker 4 right here

Speaker 2 in the beautiful Cayman Islands.

Speaker 2 It's a tropical tax caven.

Speaker 15 Sheltering your money here couldn't be easier.

Speaker 14 After choosing which SBF to use,

Speaker 15 the next toughest decision is which of the Cayman's 600 banks to go with. See if you can figure out why I chose this one.

Speaker 14 Well,

Speaker 4 hello.

Speaker 2 How hard would it be for me to move my company offshore?

Speaker 1 There are a lot of legality things that you do have to go through.

Speaker 2 Right, of course there are laws.

Speaker 1 There are no laws. There are legitimate laws.
We have stringent legislation. People can't just bring their money here in suitcases

Speaker 1 anymore.

Speaker 19 Right.

Speaker 15 But apparently, that explanation isn't good enough for tax lovers like CPA John Lieberman.

Speaker 23 According to the U.S. Treasury, billions upon billions of dollars are lost by the use of these offshore tax havens by U.S.
corporations.

Speaker 2 These corporations are just trying to maximize profits.

Speaker 23 Well, there's a difference between maximizing profits and not paying taxes.

Speaker 15 God, that's good.

Speaker 10 Excuse me?

Speaker 2 No, I meant what you just said was really good.

Speaker 23 At the end of the day, all they're doing is moving paper around.

Speaker 2 It's legal.

Speaker 4 No, it's not legal.

Speaker 23 The registration and the corporation.

Speaker 2 Did you get me a receipt for that piña colada?

Speaker 18 No?

Speaker 23 Sorry, what?

Speaker 23 The registration and the reincorporation is, but the actual interpretation, most people do not follow the real regulations.

Speaker 1 The regulations in the Cayman Islands, the financial regulations, are very stringent.

Speaker 15 Gee, who should I listen to?

Speaker 4 That's better.

Speaker 15 Oh, yeah, there we go.

Speaker 4 A little more.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 You just can't drop money in for no reason without us asking lots of questions. We have to do our due diligence on you.

Speaker 2 You can do your due diligence on me anytime.

Speaker 15 But how do over 30,000 corporations manage to squeeze onto such a small island? One visit to Tycho's headquarters showed us the answer is smart use of space.

Speaker 4 Mr. Chairman?

Speaker 2 Hello?

Speaker 21 Mr.

Speaker 14 Chairman, I'd like to ask you a few questions.

Speaker 14 Is this a value pack?

Speaker 15 Despite all the advantages of setting up shop here, some people just don't get it.

Speaker 2 What's the BFD if a corporation wants to put its headquarters in the Cayman Islands?

Speaker 23 What I really believe is that if you're going to do this, then you can end up in Hawaii and just be in just as nice a location.

Speaker 17 Hawaii?

Speaker 2 Hawaii is for losers who like taking it up the IRS.

Speaker 23 As I said, by not having the corporation.

Speaker 4 Not enough.

Speaker 2 Say that again, you cut out, John.

Speaker 22 They are not.

Speaker 13 John, getting really bad reception.

Speaker 4 Could you speak up, please? I can't hear you.

Speaker 23 I can hear you now. Can you hear me?

Speaker 4 Yes.

Speaker 4 They're maximum.

Speaker 4 There's some kind of loud humming noise.

Speaker 4 I can't, I just can't hear you, dude. I'm sorry, buddy.
You're breaking up.

Speaker 19 You're breaking up.

Speaker 15 Of course, life in the Caymans isn't all business.

Speaker 1 At about seven o'clock, the shoes are off, the jackets off, and we know how to have fun.

Speaker 15 That's a relief, because if I had to do any more banking, I'd have to put my balls on ice.

Speaker 17 Ed Helms, we'll do our best.

Speaker 22 For more on the proposed tax cuts, we turn to a man who's watched Wolf of Wall Street three times.

Speaker 2 Michael Costa, everybody.

Speaker 9 Bonjour, Trev.

Speaker 2 That's rich for hello.

Speaker 22 Okay, Acosta, hopefully you can explain. Trump already gave wealthy people a huge tax cut last year.
Why give them another one?

Speaker 2 Cool it with the class warfare, Ocasio-Cortez. Okay, it just so happens that anyone can take advantage of these tax cuts.

Speaker 2 For example, let's say you made a cool mill last year off a $10 million hedge fund investment. Now you can re-index that baseline 2% to account for inflation, which means you just got an extra 30K.

Speaker 2 I mean, that'll cover my penis reduction surgery. Am I right, Trevor?

Speaker 13 I can even loan you a couple inches.

Speaker 2 I'm just kidding.

Speaker 3 I know you got a hog.

Speaker 22 Most people don't have $10 million.

Speaker 22 We're talking about the middle class.

Speaker 2 Okay, middle class. That's fine.
Let's say you're a middle-class yacht owner, like 35 feet max, couldn't land a helicopter on that thing.

Speaker 2 You can just use these cuts as a tax shelter, borrow $500,000 to invest in your buddy Dino's revenge revenge porn business, then you can deduct that interest and only pay tax on the inflation-adjusted gains.

Speaker 2 Trevor, I say cha, you say ching. Cha.

Speaker 3 Cha!

Speaker 2 Do you want to say cha?

Speaker 22 Costa, I feel like there's no way you actually understand what you just said.

Speaker 2 Of course I don't, Trevor.

Speaker 17 That's why I have a broker. He'll clear this up.

Speaker 2 Hey, Chandler, what's up, you bitch?

Speaker 13 Yeah,

Speaker 2 I'm trying to explain monies to my boss. How's this tax thing work again?

Speaker 3 What?

Speaker 2 Right now? You are right. Go! Go! I'll see you at Polo.

Speaker 2 I got his voicemail.

Speaker 22 Costa, why do you have a broker, man? I know for a fact that you're not rich.

Speaker 17 Yeah, not yet.

Speaker 2 But Donald Trump promised Americans that we're all gonna be rich, and he's never lied before. So call me poor, Trevor.
Don't call me poor, Trevor. Call me pre-rich.

Speaker 17 So.

Speaker 22 Okay, wait, wait. Then how much is your net worth right now?

Speaker 14 How much is an iPhone worth?

Speaker 22 About $900.

Speaker 19 Well, then I'm worth $900, baby. What up?

Speaker 2 Michael Costa, everyone.

Speaker 9 We'll be right back. You got a heart.

Speaker 4 That's all not worth it.

Speaker 24 If you hate paying taxes, well, first of all, congratulations on being basic. And also, congratulations on being a billionaire.

Speaker 2 A bombshell report by ProPublica reveals just how little the wealthiest Americans have been paying in taxes.

Speaker 2 ProPublica obtained more than 15 15 years of never-before-seen IRS information about the 25 richest Americans and found that sometimes they paid little or no federal income taxes.

Speaker 8 In 2018, for example, ProPublica found Elon Musk paid no federal income tax. Neither did Jeff Bezos in 2007 or 2011, the same year he claimed a $4,000 child tax credit.

Speaker 8 And renowned investor Warren Buffett avoided the most tax of any of the billionaires ProPublica looked at, according to the report.

Speaker 12 As shocking as it is, nothing that they did is illegal. Everything that they did is in keeping with our tax code.
And the basic reason is we tax income, not wealth.

Speaker 8 Rich people often grow their fortunes through stocks, real estate, or companies. So they don't have to pay taxes until they sell.

Speaker 8 And they can offset their income in other ways too, meaning it's legal to be worth a lot and pay a little.

Speaker 8 Ooh, we,

Speaker 15 it's good to be a billionaire.

Speaker 24 I mean, imagine being so rich that you can afford accountants who make you look poor. Think about it.
Jeff Bezos is so good at hiding his wealth that he qualified for a child tax credit.

Speaker 24 This dude built his own rocket to take him to space. And the US government is like, hey, brother, here's something for the kids until you can get back on your feet.

Speaker 20 Hard times, Jeff.

Speaker 24 And yeah, this is something that everyone already suspected, but it's still shocking to see proof right in front of you.

Speaker 24 It's the difference between knowing how hot dogs are made and watching them put the puppies in the machines.

Speaker 20 Oh, that's crazy.

Speaker 16 Well, then what was I eating?

Speaker 24 And the thing is, much like wearing cargo shorts to the Pride Parade, these tax loopholes are both messed up and completely legal.

Speaker 24 So if you want to change the system, then you need to take action and write to your congressperson.

Speaker 24 Then, your congressperson can hold your letter in one hand and the campaign check from the the billionaire in the other hand and decide which one they want to wipe their ass with.

Speaker 14 I love America. It's the only country where you can get a burger and a lipo suction at the same drive-through.

Speaker 14 But as someone who's also lived all around the world, I feel a responsibility to let America know that a lot of the things it does are super weird to the rest of us.

Speaker 14 And one of those things is how America does money.

Speaker 14 It's tax season, which right off the bat is a sign that something is wrong. Okay, because taxes shouldn't have a whole season.

Speaker 14 Seasons are supposed to be for exciting stuff, like baseball season, or wedding season, or season two of Bridgeton. I can't wait to see which British person is jizzing on who this time.

Speaker 14 But America decided that filing taxes should be as quick and painless as getting a root canal at the DMV.

Speaker 14 I mean, you got your 1099s, you got your form 1040s, you got your Schedule Cs, you got your R2D2s, you got your Blink 182s.

Speaker 14 You spend days trying to figure out what you owe the government, and then the government tells you if you're right, because apparently they knew the whole freaking time.

Speaker 14 It's like the world's most pointless game show. Aside from the price is right, obviously, because nobody should get a new car for knowing how much catch-up costs.

Speaker 14 Look, I hate to break it to you guys, but in a lot of other countries, the government does all that filing for you.

Speaker 14 Yeah, they do the math, they send you a statement, and if it looks good, you click okay, and then you're done.

Speaker 14 It's so easy, a baby could do it, but they don't have to because they're lazy freeloaders who don't pay taxes. It's not just your income taxes.
All taxes in America are weird.

Speaker 14 In a lot of other countries, you see a price on something and that's how much it costs because that's the whole point of a goddamn price. But no,

Speaker 14 not in America. When you pay for something in America, they hit you with the surprise sales tax.
They're basically catfishing you. I know that $600 TV looks good, but it's lying.

Speaker 14 It's $650 and it has a secret family. But don't get me wrong.
Taxes are far from America's only insane money issue.

Speaker 14 Okay, I know you guys are used to it, but I need you to realize that the way you tip in this country is not normal.

Speaker 14 Everywhere else, a tip is a show of appreciation, not a GoFundMe for someone who doesn't earn a living wage.

Speaker 14 A waiter's ability to pay rent shouldn't depend on how generous Becky feels after three martinis. And the real issue is how arbitrary your tipping is.

Speaker 14 You tip the guy who delivers your food, but not the guy who delivers your packages. And you tip the person who made your coffee, but not the person who made your Big Mac.

Speaker 14 And don't even get me started on tip jars. Okay, you don't have to put money in, but if you do, you gotta make a big show of it.

Speaker 14 I like to shoot my cash into the jar like a basketball while shouting, shouting, he tips, he scores.

Speaker 14 If you bank it off the cashier, they usually notice. But as weird as taxes and tipping are in America, let's not forget about the actual money itself.
Because American physical currency sucks.

Speaker 14 I don't know if you know this, but in other countries, every denomination is a different size because it makes it easier to tell them apart, especially if you're blind.

Speaker 14 But apparently, blind people don't need to use money in America because look at this shit.

Speaker 14 Same exact exact size. All of it.
You gotta look over each individual bill to figure out which slave owner to hand over.

Speaker 14 And while we're talking about your strange money, who decided a pyramid for freaking eye was a normal thing to put on a dollar?

Speaker 14 Hey, rule of thumb, America, if Nick Cage can make a movie about your money, you're doing it wrong. Not to mention the pennies.

Speaker 14 Like, why do these still exist when everyone's just trying to get rid of them? Even convenience stores have that take a penny, leave a penny dish. It's like an animal shelter for unwanted money.

Speaker 14 Did you know that America actually loses money making pennies? If you're gonna have a hobby that loses you money, get a gambling addiction like a normal person.

Speaker 14 Okay, listen, your whole financial system is stupid and I hate it. All right, the money, the tipping, the taxes.
That's why I found a way to avoid dealing with it all together. All right?

Speaker 14 The secret is they can't tax you if they don't know you have it.

Speaker 14 So much easier robbing a bank in Europe.

Speaker 9 Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching The Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts.

Speaker 9 Watch the Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus.

Speaker 1 Paramount Podcasts.

Speaker 14 This is an iHeart Podcast.