Trump Invites Jesus to the Workplace & GOP Prays for a Tariff Rebate | Jenny Slate

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Speaker 6 You're listening to Comedy Central.

Speaker 7 From the most trusted journalists at Comedy Central. It's America's only source for news.
This is the Daily Show with your host, Denzy Lining.

Speaker 8 to talk about tonight the government is starting a take your jesus to work day ronnie chang calls 911 on me and donald trump is in scotland i assume to visit the ancestral home of mcdonald's

Speaker 8 so let's find out more in our ongoing segment trump meets world

Speaker 10 International humiliation one after another.

Speaker 8 As we said, Trump is in Scotland right now, seeing as his favorite island destination has been shut down.

Speaker 8 When a president travels overseas, it's important for them to project strength and dignity, although an uninvited insect made that a little harder for President Trump.

Speaker 7 Damn, girl, you got moved.

Speaker 7 What is this?

Speaker 8 Is he boguing?

Speaker 8 Shoe fly sachet away.

Speaker 8 Feels like Trump's accidental dance moves are way more impressive than his intentional ones.

Speaker 8 Very weird. Anyway, I do understand why he was so frantic.
That mosquito was also asking Trump about Jeffrey Epstein.

Speaker 8 Now, to be clear, Trump was not just wasting time playing golf. He was also wasting time profiting off golf.

Speaker 11 The president capping off his trip by officially opening his latest golf course today in Scotland.

Speaker 12 Let's go. One, two,

Speaker 3 three.

Speaker 8 Just a reminder, this man is still the President of the United States. There's a lot going on in the world, and he's at a ribbon-cutting ceremony to promote his golf course?

Speaker 8 Is this his side hustle or is America his side hustle? Who knows? I have no idea. The point is, we're just used to this now.

Speaker 8 But imagine if when Obama was in office, he kept flying on Air Force One to open up Pizza Hut Taco Bell franchises.

Speaker 8 I want to announce we killed bin Laden and the new chalupa is half price at 3 p.m.

Speaker 8 Liv Moss, not you, bin Laden.

Speaker 8 But don't worry, while Trump was in Scotland, his administration was busy with the hard work of making things weird at home.

Speaker 10 Looks like the Trump administration is encouraging federal workers to talk about their religion in the workplace.

Speaker 13 A memo from the Office of Personnel Management cites the guidance as being protected by the First Amendment and says employees can tell others to rethink their beliefs, but they must stop if their coworkers tell them to.

Speaker 7 No,

Speaker 8 no, absolutely not. If you're gonna approach me at work and ask, have you heard the good news? It better mean there are donuts in the break room.
Otherwise, keep it moving, Zachariah.

Speaker 8 Can you imagine how humiliating it would be to have your fundamental worldview changed by Susan from accounting?

Speaker 8 And who would have the balls to convert a coworker? I don't even feel comfortable telling my coworker she should get bangs. She should, though.
Stacy, you should get bangs.

Speaker 7 We need bangs.

Speaker 8 But Trump's biggest achievement this week was the trade deal he announced with the European Union. And since we all know Trump is so good at deals, it means everything is now going to be cheaper.

Speaker 15 The U.S. will impose a 15% tariff on most European products we import.
American businesses will pay those tariffs and pass the costs along to consumers by raising prices.

Speaker 16 It is amazing what individual products we could see impacted here from autos to Botox as a result of these tariffs.

Speaker 16 Wow.

Speaker 8 Oh my God, that's wild. Everything from automobiles to Botox?

Speaker 8 Am I pronouncing that right? Is that right?

Speaker 8 I don't know. I'm not there yet.

Speaker 8 Just not there yet. Don't Google it.

Speaker 8 But okay, the trade deal is going to make things more expensive, which makes you wonder, what are we getting out of these tariffs anyway?

Speaker 17 We have so much money coming in.

Speaker 18 We're thinking about a little rebate, a little rebate for people of a certain income level might be very nice.

Speaker 7 Okay.

Speaker 8 Now this is the art of the deal. Everyone pays more for everything, and then a few of us maybe get a little bit of our money back.
Man, this guy is always playing 5D, hitting yourself in the balls.

Speaker 8 Keep in mind, Trump also promised rebate checks from Doge, but all we got out of that was Trump calling Elon Musk a drug addict and Elon saying Trump was a pedophile. You know what? Never mind.

Speaker 8 That actually is better than a rebate.

Speaker 8 So yeah.

Speaker 7 Yeah.

Speaker 8 The whole thing is just a mess. And you know who I feel worse for? Those poor penguins who we tariffed, who now have to suck rent money.

Speaker 8 So sad. For more on the trade deal and its fallout, we go live to the White House with Michael Costa.

Speaker 8 Michael, what's the latest?

Speaker 12 Desi, this trade deal has a lot of moving parts and words that I don't understand.

Speaker 10 But you know what I do understand?

Speaker 12 The healing light of Christ our Savior.

Speaker 12 And so can you, Desi.

Speaker 8 No, no, no, no, no. Michael, please, just do your job.
Don't promote your religion at work, please.

Speaker 12 Well, the Trump administration says I can, so you can kiss my ass.

Speaker 10 And you can also kiss the ass of our sweet Lord Jesus.

Speaker 12 Or, hey, Zeus, if you're an Espanol.

Speaker 18 He's inside me, Desi, and he wants to be inside you, too.

Speaker 18 No, don't make it gross.

Speaker 8 You know what? You have to stop. If I tell you to stop, you have to, and I'm commanding you to stop.

Speaker 12 That's true. You have that right, so I'll stop.
So back to the trade deal. Although critics call it an unnecessary tax, Trump is hailing it as a success.
And speaking of hailing, hail Satan. Does he?

Speaker 10 Have you let the dark Lord Lucifer into your heart?

Speaker 12 He's inside me, and he can also be inside you.

Speaker 8 No, Michael, I told you to stop preaching religion.

Speaker 12 And I stopped preaching that religion. This is another religion.

Speaker 8 Stop doing that. Why are you preaching Jesus and Satan? They can't both be right.

Speaker 12 Yeah, but one of them is, okay?

Speaker 10 And it's called hedging your bets.

Speaker 9 And if you ask God, I think He

Speaker 20 or she

Speaker 9 would approve.

Speaker 8 All right, you know what? I've had enough of this. Forget your report, Michael.
I'm going to someone who actually wants to do their job. Let's go to Grace Kuhlen Schmidt.
Grace.

Speaker 8 Come on.

Speaker 8 No, goddammit.

Speaker 8 Let me guess, you want me to join your convent?

Speaker 7 What?

Speaker 8 I would never. I want you to join me in the Nation of Islam.

Speaker 8 The Nation of Islam? Grace, you joined a black nationalist group? First of all, it's Grace X.

Speaker 21 And second of all, technically, I'm not in, but I feel like I'm on the wait list.

Speaker 8 So why are you dressed like a nun? Oh, it's laundry day.

Speaker 21 The point is, Brother Desi, black nationalism is inside me, and it can be inside you too.

Speaker 19 No, no, no, no, no, no, stop it, stop it.

Speaker 8 I command everyone to stop. Get out of here.
Grace Collins Schmidt and Michael Costa, everyone.

Speaker 8 When we come back, Ronnie Shane tells us something speaking, so don't go away.

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Speaker 22 Welcome back to The Daily Show.

Speaker 8 When it comes to the news, some stories are serious, some stories are inspiring, and some stories are just stupid. And for those, we turn to Ronnie Chang in a segment we call Everything is Stupid.

Speaker 18 911 dispatchers. All day long they have to deal with people's problems.

Speaker 20 Oh,

Speaker 18 my house is on fire.

Speaker 18 I don't know where my daughter is. Shut up.

Speaker 18 So I understand why 911 might get annoyed by people, but one police department was really stupid with that response.

Speaker 23 This granny got quite the shock when her phone rang. It was the cops.

Speaker 24 It's the police department calling. Do I have your full attention?

Speaker 23 Karen Clinton says she imagined the worst.

Speaker 24 What's wrong? Oh no, women, do I need to sit down?

Speaker 23 Then came the jolt out of nowhere.

Speaker 24 I just want to let you know, congratulations, you've won the prize at a contest. It's called the Booby Prize.
You are the dumbest person to call this police department on a repeated basis.

Speaker 24 Wow.

Speaker 18 This is how I find out I wasn't nominated for the booby prize.

Speaker 20 I mean,

Speaker 18 it is so political.

Speaker 18 I know this granny is literally a Karen, but that dispatcher was horrifically mean and went way too far.

Speaker 18 Okay, you see, I'm from a culture where we respect our elders, not like in America, where you can leave an old person on the side of the road like a soiled mattress.

Speaker 18 Then someone will eventually pick them up or a family of raccoons will use them as a house.

Speaker 18 What I'm saying is this granny doesn't deserve to be treated like this. Okay, I mean, what are we talking about here? How many times could she have possibly called?

Speaker 26 911 dispatcher dispatcher Loretta Nash continued going into detail.

Speaker 24 Since 2010, you've made 183 phone calls.

Speaker 9 Holy shit, 183 calls?

Speaker 18 God damn, stop hogging the line, lady.

Speaker 18 Alright, give the other Karens a chance too. I mean, this lady makes me feel less bad that they're trying to cut Social Security.
But

Speaker 18 you know what? Hey, I'm sure she had a good reason to call. Okay, maybe she lives in the TV show The Wire.
All right, just murders murders every day.

Speaker 23 Karen Clinton says she's somewhat of a neighborhood watchdog in her hometown outside Cleveland.

Speaker 23 And over the years, she has called the non-emergency number of the police department a lot over such issues as road construction safety, car horns blasting at night, drinking and drug use, and so on.

Speaker 18 Okay, you know what? I'm on the dispatcher side now, okay?

Speaker 18 Really, Granny? You're ratting people out for drinking and doing drugs? It's Cleveland.

Speaker 18 What else are they supposed to do there?

Speaker 18 There's only so many times you can visit a rock and roll hall of fame

Speaker 18 before you're like, hey, should we do heroin?

Speaker 12 That being said,

Speaker 18 why do the police have a non-emergency line at all? You're just asking for a bunch of Karens to call about stupid shit, right? It's like, oh yeah, hello, hello, police. This is a non-emergency line?

Speaker 18 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I saw a black guy outside.
He's not doing anything wrong, but he's not doing anything right.

Speaker 20 But you know what?

Speaker 18 The grandma made a lot of annoying calls. The dispatcher kind of roasted her.
You know what? No harm, no foul. Everybody wins.

Speaker 26 That's when Karen decided to file a formal complaint against Loretta and eventually criminal charges.

Speaker 28 She came into my home via telecommunications and she terrorized me in my own home.

Speaker 18 Okay, come on, Granny.

Speaker 18 You can't come into somebody's home via telecommunications.

Speaker 18 Okay?

Speaker 18 But you're telling me every time this woman gets a text, she's like, how did this emoji get my living room?

Speaker 18 At the same time, the police should have expected this, okay? Do you think the 911 lady wasn't going to call 911 on 911?

Speaker 18 She's been waiting for this moment her whole life.

Speaker 18 But clearly, this does not need to go to trial. Okay, just give both of them the death penalty and let them work it out.

Speaker 18 Let them work it out in hell.

Speaker 18 And now that there's a job opening, I know the perfect candidate for a 911 dispatcher in Ohio.

Speaker 20 Me.

Speaker 18 911, what's your emergency? Oh, your cat stuck in a tree? Okay, follow my instructions very closely. You live in Cleveland, so kill yourself.

Speaker 7 And

Speaker 18 that's how you win a boobie prize. Back to you, Denzi.

Speaker 18 Ronnie J, everyone!

Speaker 18 We come back! Jenny, they will be joining me on the show, so don't go away.

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Speaker 29 Welcome back to the Tamily Show!

Speaker 8 Our guest tonight is this talented writer, comedian, and actor who's currently nominated for an Emmy for her role in FX's Dying for Sex. Please welcome Jenny Slate!

Speaker 8 Oh, real penetration patty.

Speaker 8 Real penetration patty. Yeah.

Speaker 8 I just have to say I am so grateful for this show. Thank you for establishing once and for all that the female orgasm is in fact real.
Yeah. Oh yeah.
Yeah. Answered our questions.
Yeah, it can happen.

Speaker 7 It can. Yeah.

Speaker 8 It really can. Yes.
And it does eventually happen for Molly. Sorry to spoil.

Speaker 19 I mean the show's been out.

Speaker 8 The show has been out. Yes.

Speaker 7 This is true. Yeah.

Speaker 8 Congratulations on your Emmy nomination.

Speaker 7 Thank you very much.

Speaker 8 It is so well deserved. The show is fantastic.
You should be so proud of it. It's such a beautiful show.
It's based on a true story.

Speaker 8 It started as a podcast. For those who haven't seen it, describe what Dying for Sex is about.

Speaker 19 Sure. Okay, fine.
Yes, I will.

Speaker 19 What if I was like, no, I don't want to.

Speaker 7 You're like, no, no.

Speaker 19 Yes. Dying for Sex is based off a podcast that these two real-life best friends, Nikki and Molly, made while Molly was

Speaker 19 dying of breast cancer. She was diagnosed with stage four breast cancer.

Speaker 19 She left her husband. She asked her best friend to really like be her, be her companion, be her partner as she went towards the end of her life.
But she also took that moment to try to work out

Speaker 19 some like real blocks and limits that were on her because of some like a childhood sexual trauma that she went through.

Speaker 19 She really had some huge intimacy issues. She had never had an orgasm with another person.

Speaker 19 And while that sounds sort of simple, like the objective is like to do it that.

Speaker 7 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 19 In fact, it really is a story about what intimacy is, what we tell ourselves about

Speaker 19 how far our life can go, how far our experience can go. And

Speaker 19 yeah, and it's a beautiful story. I was so pleased to be on a show that is about two women who are soulmates, who are in a friendship, and

Speaker 19 who are together in a way that is like, is primary, is the most, most important.

Speaker 8 It's such an interesting look at caretaking too from such an honest perspective because Nikki is a person on the surface who like kind of doesn't seem to have her stuff together.

Speaker 8 Nothing is perfectly in place. She can never find anything in her bag.
So she's not necessarily the first person you would think of as taking on this duty.

Speaker 8 But the way that she shows up for her friend, she knows when she needs to laugh, she knows what her needs are, and she listens to her.

Speaker 8 I think it's so inspiring for caretakers out there in the world to see because a lot of people are going through this right now.

Speaker 8 And it's really a beautiful way that your character goes on that journey.

Speaker 19 I'm glad you think so.

Speaker 19 Yeah, I mean, I guess like in becoming a parent, and I have a four and a half year old, like if you are to think that you must be perfect in order to be the central caregiver, then nobody's going to get anything in this world.

Speaker 19 Because obviously we're all trying our best just to like keep it together.

Speaker 19 I know I am, and that doesn't make me less able to

Speaker 19 like watch my daughter as she grows and changes.

Speaker 19 And I brought some of that in with me because Molly changes as she's trying to open herself up and sort of like meet this sexual and personal goal, this liberation.

Speaker 19 But Nikki, my character changes as well. And the experience is something for both of them.
It's not that Nikki is like a crutch or a prop.

Speaker 19 And part of caregiving is that flexibility to understand that like the situation is generally serious, but so is the situation of being alive.

Speaker 19 Like we only get this one, you know, whether you're at the start of your life or your end.

Speaker 19 And that there's plenty of room for variety. And that is part of the care that Nikki gives Molly.
And I think she does, you know, eventually get pretty good at

Speaker 19 the boring stuff.

Speaker 8 The thing, it's interesting that you say the thing about wanting to live differently.

Speaker 8 My feeling coming out of the show, and it's easy to feel resistant and watching some of this because it bravely confronts death and grief and loss and trauma, really hard topics.

Speaker 8 But I came out of it feeling less afraid of death and looking at death in a different way, like a transition to celebrate.

Speaker 8 Did this show change the way that you view death, caretaking, grief?

Speaker 19 Yeah, completely.

Speaker 19 I think one thing is that Molly's character,

Speaker 19 the sexual abuse she went through as a kid really stopped a big part of her.

Speaker 19 And that in itself is sort of a death, but she and Nikki are are powerful enough in their friendship and their love to like truly create,

Speaker 19 like to resuscitate something to to help her live again and I like I exited the show being like oh right I I want to make sure that every moment of my life is as alive as possible that there are you know very few dead ends and that every experience that I have even if it was hard or like totally bad can be repurposed as a resource eventually for you know just like how to be more alive, how to make progress.

Speaker 19 And I also stole a lot of the sweatpants that my character wears.

Speaker 8 As you should, that wardrobe. They were really good.
They were like the good ones.

Speaker 7 Yeah.

Speaker 8 And I was like, do you think we have reshoots?

Speaker 7 Or

Speaker 19 what's like happening with these? Because they were like, they were good.

Speaker 8 In the spirit of Molly and Dying for Sex, do you have anything on your bucket list or your f it list?

Speaker 7 I

Speaker 19 uh I don't know how to make a croissant.

Speaker 7 Oh.

Speaker 8 Well, you know how to pronounce it.

Speaker 7 Yeah, big time.

Speaker 7 Honestly.

Speaker 7 Yeah.

Speaker 7 Merci Boku on that.

Speaker 19 Yeah, I would like to learn how to do that. And

Speaker 19 I've never been to Japan.

Speaker 8 Oh. Yeah.

Speaker 8 And I,

Speaker 19 you know, I've always wanted to switch to the Diva Cup, but I've been doing tampons for a long time.

Speaker 7 Let me tell you,

Speaker 7 I am with you on this.

Speaker 8 I am with you on this. It is a brave expedition.

Speaker 14 Let me tell you.

Speaker 8 I mean, if I die with a tampon up there, what a way.

Speaker 7 Oh, God.

Speaker 8 What a story to tell, though. Here's to the Diva Cup.

Speaker 7 Here's to the Diva Cup.

Speaker 7 All episodes of Dying Bird Sex are streaming now on Hulu. Jenny Frank!

Speaker 7 We're going to take a quick break and we'll be right back after this.

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Speaker 4 That's our show for tonight. But real quick, are you sick and tired of complaining about our leaders?

Speaker 8 I know I am and I'm paid to do it. But maybe it's time to take matters into your own hands and use democracy to put yourself in charge.

Speaker 8 Go to the link below and learn more from our friends at Headcount about running for office. Then you can make an actual difference in America and I can get paid for complaining about you.
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Speaker 8 Now here it is, your moment of Zen.

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The land, they said it couldn't get zoned. It was an impossibility.

Speaker 17 And Sean Connery said, let the bloody bloke build his golf course. Once he said that, everything came into line.

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