Trump Asks Hegseth to Cool It with the Polygraphs & Kristi Noem Goes Horse Girl | Alison Brie & Dave Franco

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You're listening to Comedy Central.

From the most trusted journalists at Comedy Central.

It's America's only source for news.

This is the Daily Show with your host, Jesse Leidick.

Welcome to the Daily Show.

I'm Jesse Leidick.

We've got so much to talk about tonight.

An animal meets Christy Noam and lives to tell the tale.

Joe Rogan does his own Epstein research.

And Pete Hegseth might be leaving the Pentagon, so someone call a designated driver.

Let's get into all of it with another installment of the worst wing.

What a bunch of losers.

Let's start with Christy Noam, Secretary of Homeland Security and woman who keeps insisting that she and her daughter get mistaken for sisters.

She was down in Argentina this week to sign an important visa agreement.

So as you would expect, this is the video she released.

Was that government diplomacy or a Valtrex ad?

I won't let source stop me from getting in the saddle.

Can you imagine how nervous that horse was?

Remember, Christy Gnome shot her dog for talking back and then shot her goat to get rid of the witnesses.

She was petting that horse like, this could go one of two ways, Steve Biscuit.

I dare you to give me a reason.

All kidding aside, breaking news, we actually scored an exclusive interview with that very horse.

Let's go live via satellite to Christy Gnome's horse.

Oh.

Oh, no.

Oh.

This is awkward.

Never mind.

Let's move on to the Environmental Protection Agency, which used to protect the environment, but is now run by this man, Lee Zeldin, seen here watching an oil tanker crash into a coral reef.

And he's telling the environment, hey, girl, it just feels better without protection.

A stunning reversal that could have unprecedented climate impact.

The EPA is now looking to repeal a 2009 study linking man-made climate change to health hazards.

The 2009 declaration has served as the basis for climate regulations, like limiting emissions from cars and power plants.

Now the White House is rolling it back in what EPA Administrator Lee Zeldin is calling the largest deregulatory action in the history of the United States.

All right, this is crazy.

What kind of EPA chief wants to make the environment worse?

Does he have that Munchausen by proxy thing where he gets off on making the planet sicker?

Oh, Earth, you're coughing again.

Here, take these special vitamins that are definitely not poison.

But look, how would Zeldon know that climate change was a problem?

It's not like he can just look at what's right in front of him.

EPA is proposing to rescind the 2009 Obama EPA endangerment finding to eliminate all of the greenhouse gas emissions regulations that followed, including electric vehicle mandates.

126 degrees, or as we'll call it in 20 years, winter.

Gosh, in 20 years I'll be 35.

Oh, yikes.

Don't Google it.

Let's move on to Secretary of State Marco Rubio, the only man who says, I'm all ears and means it.

The State Department's latest target is something very close to my heart, Cervix.

The government may destroy almost $10 million worth of birth control bought with tax dollars instead of sending it to women overseas.

It's sitting in a warehouse in Belgium right now, and most of these items don't expire for another two to three years.

But the State Department says they may have to burn all of this birth control now that USAID has been dismantled.

Officials say it'll cost almost $170,000 to destroy all of those contraceptives.

Are you kidding me?

They would rather spend $170,000 to destroy $10 million worth of birth control that they already bought rather than give it to women who need it?

At least sell it.

You're Donald Trump.

Just slap your name on it.

Call him Trump cooter shooters and

rake in enough cash to pay down the national debt.

I don't know.

Figure it out.

This is why people should start stocking up on birth control now.

Personally, I always have at least seven to nine IUDs implanted at all times.

You never know when the girl in the next doll is going to need one.

And finally, let's move on to Pete Hegseth, the defense secretary who puts the tank in another tangere, please.

He's only been on the job for a few months, but he's already looking for a promotion.

Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth has privately discussed running for political office next year, specifically for governor in his home state of Tennessee.

Wow, Pete, what an awesome idea.

You'd be a great governor of Tennessee.

I am so sorry, Tennessee, but

you're just going to have to take one for the team on this.

Thank you.

Oh, yeah.

Wow, it makes so much sense.

You should just leave now and go do it.

In fact, why waste time?

You should resign yesterday.

Tennessee,

we are never going to forget you.

RIP.

Now, whether Pete would be a good governor or not, he could definitely use a change of scenery because after six months of dealing with leakers in the Defense Department, he's kind of starting to lose it.

Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth has finally earned a rare rebuke from the White House over his obsessive paranoia about leakers inside the Pentagon.

Hegseth was directed by the White House to stop using polygraph tests to search for people leaking information to the media.

That's right.

Hegseth has been polygraphing so many people, the White House had to tell him to stop.

Do you know how paranoid you have to be for even Trump to be like, calm down, not everything's a witch hunt?

And by the way, who's Pete Hegseth to be accusing other people of leaking?

He's like, if you've got something to say, you don't text a reporter, you come to me, and then I'll leak it to a reporter on a signal chat.

That's the protocol, people.

That's the protocol.

For more on Pete Hegseth and his future as secretary, we go live to the Department of Defense with Jordan Clepper.

Jordan, wait, are you hooked up to a polygraph machine?

Yes, I am, Desi.

Pete Hexett demands that anyone who even walks into the Pentagon has to be strapped to a lie detector test the whole time.

So I've got electrodes strapped to my arms, my chest, and yes, the shaft of my penis.

Okay, you don't have to tell me where the electrode is.

It's on the shaft of my penis, Desi.

They call it the old truth stump, but

don't worry, it won't get in the way of reporting.

I'm used to plenty of action down there.

I haven't been touched down there since the Obama administration.

Gotta say, this seems like just another example of Pete Hegseth making a stupid decision.

Oh, Desi, Pete Hegseth isn't stupid.

He's not some insecure drunk lashing out because he's lost control of his department.

No, he definitely doesn't spend all day on his laptop googling ideas for barbed wire tattoos.

Jordan, it feels like the machine says you're lying.

You're not just repeating Pentagon talking points to keep your access to government officials, are you?

Oh, no, no, no.

The electrodes are probably malfunctioning because my chest is so sweaty.

Full disclosure: I just got back from pumping iron at the gym.

I just did a run on the treadmill, so.

I did a Zumba class for the elderly.

And I crushed it.

Damn it.

Okay, let's get back on track.

Isn't this terrible for morale?

A senior Zuma class?

No, morale is through the roof, okay?

The new instructor, Trish, knows her stuff, but I think she has a thing for me.

No, I mean at the DOD.

This seems to mean it, right?

No, no, people love working at this place that has no weird smell.

There is a smell, but it's excitement in the air.

The smell is because someone threw up Mezcal and Taco Bell.

But I don't know who.

It was Pete Hexach.

He was here late last night hunting for woke.

Jordan, this report is not going well.

Why don't you just wrap it up?

Fine.

For the daily show, I'm Jordan Clapper, and I'm incredible in bed.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Incredible at what in bed?

Obviously, the sex thing.

Eating cold cuts alone.

There it is.

There it is.

Go to clever, everyone.

When we come back, we find out why Joe Rogan got that makes the job away.

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Welcome back to the Baby Show.

The Jeffrey Epstein scandal continues to divide the MAGA base, and now one of their most influential influencers is weighing in.

Frustration about the Epstein case may be causing one of Donald Trump's most influential supporters to turn on him.

Joe Rogan, perhaps the biggest name in the podcast world, spoke about Epstein more than 40 times on his most recent episode.

When you have this one hardcore line in the sand that everybody's been talking about forever, and then they're trying to gaslight you on that.

Like, do you think we're babies?

Wow.

I haven't seen Joe this up since since he found out that there was no protein in marijuana.

So this is a big deal because Joe Rogan is, well, Joe Rogan, but who was he before he became Joe Rogan?

Let's find out in a brand new daily showography.

For millennia, the great philosophers have sought to answer life's most profound questions.

And today, a new thinker has emerged to grapple with the mysteries of our universe.

What's freakier?

Being in the bottom of the ocean or being up in space?

Everything has a consciousness.

Literally everything, even tables.

Why do black people like menthol so much?

What's that about?

He is the world's greatest thinker.

If you're drinking water, you're drinking dinosaur piss.

Wisdom's greatest champion.

We found a frog on the moon.

The world would stop, right?

On a quest to gaze upon the very face of God and say.

But who was he before he reached this summit?

And how did he get there?

This is the daily showography of Joe Rogan.

The path to rogue enlightenment.

Joseph James Rogan was born in 1967, a formative experience for him.

We're all just babies.

We're all just babies that have just been alive for a long time.

He was raised in the cultural hothouse of Newark, New Jersey.

So like the great Renaissance thinkers, he grew up surrounded by Italians.

At an early age, he looked for meaning in the fine arts.

I used to draw.

I was really good at men.

With work that asked important questions like, wouldn't it be crazy if a wolf wore a fedora?

He could have been the next Michelangelo, but his interests pulled him elsewhere.

Inspired by the Greco-Romans and warrior monks of ancient China, Rogan also pursued the martial arts.

From the time I was 15 till I was 22, all I did was fight.

Locating the delicate beauty at the heart of the form.

My name is Smush.

That's my game, Smush You.

Smush on, Smush Off, Joseph Sound.

But even as he vanquished all lesser champions, Rogan became aware that there was a hidden downside to getting repeatedly smashed in the head.

My brain would just be throbbing, just boom, boom, boom.

And I remember thinking, like, am I ruining my brain?

That's when Rogan realized he was damaging his brain.

And even worse, that's when Rogan realized that he was damaging his brain.

With his fighting career over, Rogan enrolled in the most prestigious college in the greater Boston area.

Sadly, academia also made his brain hurt, so he dropped out to pursue his inquiries through yet another art form,

the Arte del Comedia.

Does anybody know how any of this shit works?

As a stand-up comic, he displayed a versatility and intellect that soon led him from stage to screen.

His breakout role on the critically acclaimed sitcom News Radio saw him test the very limits of his acting range, playing a man named Joe who hits things.

There's Joe, he hits things.

But Rogan saw that the televisual medium could be used not merely for light entertainment, but for inquiries into the very nature of man.

Welcome to the man show, freaks!

The man show explored questions ranging from the nature of reality.

Now, here's my thoughts about fake brass.

If I can touch them, they're real.

To the existence of the divine.

But I look at an ass like Chrissy's and I think, there's got to be a God.

From there, he went on to study what factor fear plays on the human soul.

I'm Joe Rogan and this is Fear Factor.

Fear Factor pushed Rogan to his limits, while Rogan pushed NBC's lawyers to theirs.

Today, we're going to offer the Fear Factor juice stand, 24 ounces of donkey semen and urine.

Oh my god.

Suddenly, Socrates drinking hemlock doesn't seem so bad.

But as the sages have foretold, time is a flat circle, and all the wisdom and cockroaches Rogan was absorbing would soon lead him back to where it all began.

I'm back here right now, backstage.

I'll be interviewing the fighters as they come out of the octagon.

With people getting smashed in the head.

As a commentator for the Ultimate Fighting Championship, Rogan was a master orator who knew exactly what he was doing.

I mean, I didn't know what the f ⁇ I was doing.

I just would see what was happening and start talking about it.

And talk he did.

Because the most fundamental truth about the modern world was finally within his grasp.

That a man may speak forever without knowing this

as long as he has

a pot.

It really is different, you know, than television.

This is way better.

We need to figure out how you make money from this.

And so he did.

We are live, ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you very much for tuning into the podcast.

We are sponsored by the Fleshlights.

This is the butthole version of the fleshlight.

He knew that like a butthole flashlight, the only way out is through.

Having reached his evolved form, Rogan began his true life's project of absorbing the collected wisdom of the world's greatest wise men.

And every now and then a woman.

Thanks for the invite.

By the middle of the 21st century's second decade, this very, very high priest had achieved a level of enlightenment that transcended reality altogether that tower seven why does that collapse like that january 6th the intelligence agencies were involved raw milk it's normal and healthy eyewitness accounts of hitler in south america actual microchips being injected into the army at last like the giants of philosophy religion and ultimate fighting who had come before him Joe Rogan could look down at the world from the astral plane to which he had ascended and

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Welcome back to the Daisy Show!

My guests tonight are actors and producers who star in the new horror movie together.

Please welcome Allison Green and Dave Franco!

So we were going to bring out two chairs,

one for each of you, but this movie is such a beautiful statement on codependency that we thought you'd feel most comfortable sharing why.

It's about time.

Yes.

Thank you.

You're so welcome.

Thank you for the respect.

You got, I mean, I have nothing but respect for the two of you.

This movie's incredible.

Now, I don't want to spoil anything, but in the movie, your genitals are fused together.

Would you say this is fun for the whole family?

Definitely.

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.

Younger, the better, honestly.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

That's great.

I will say that shooting that scene, there was a day where we filmed all day standing fully nude genitals to genitals.

And that was a day where we thought we couldn't do this with anyone else.

That was one of one of many days.

There was another day where we were attached by the arm with a prosthetic all day and,

you know, trying not to drink too much water to avoid frequent bathroom trips.

But inevitably, one of us would have to go and drag the other one.

And I remember there was a moment where she was peeing and I was standing over her, touching her, looking into her eyes and thinking we couldn't have done this with anyone else.

Yeah.

Which one of you was more uncomfortable watching the other one go to the bathroom?

Hmm, I think we both enjoyed it.

Yeah.

That's disgusting.

That's disgusting.

You are a disgusting couple.

You are, I should say, for those who don't know, you're married.

You've been together over a decade.

I assume in preparation for this film, like a method acting?

Definitely, yes.

I mean, from the day I was born, I started preparing for this film.

It's why I originally started dating Dave.

Just had a feeling one day we might play a couple that start slowly morphing into one.

Yes, that is commitment right there.

This movie, honestly, is so much fun.

It is so wild and over-the-top, and yet deeply relatable.

Sure.

It's like you can't really put it in any sort of genre.

It's body horror, it's rom-com, it's a hard comedy, it's feel-good.

How do you, how do you, how do you talk about it?

How would you describe the film to people?

I mean, I do like to describe it as a gateway horror film because I feel like its feet are firmly planted in horror and like hardcore genre fans will love it.

But there's romance, it's a little sexy, it's funny.

People who aren't generally drawn to this genre are actually really enjoying it.

And it's also interesting just seeing the different reactions based on where people are in their own relationships.

And so, you know, we've talked to some single people who are like, this is a strong argument for staying single.

And then we actually talked to a couple who were fighting all week.

And then they saw the movie and it helped them make up.

Oh,

I talked to two people at our premiere right after watching the movie.

And one of them goes, At the end I was sobbing and I said, why?

And she said, I want to love like that.

And the guy she was with said, I thought it was horrifying.

And I said, don't leave here together, you guys.

Yeah, I think we answered that little problem.

It acts as therapy for people.

It does.

Speaking of, it's funny you should say that.

Neon, who's putting the movie out, is actually offering free therapy to couples who are too traumatized by the movie.

If you see the movie this weekend this weekend and take a picture of your stub

all the all the info is on neon socials yes Free therapy.

Just give me, what's the number?

I'm just asking for a friend.

I mean, my marriage is totally healthy, but I'm asking for a friend.

To be honest, did the two of you make this movie just to spice up your marriage?

That's why we do everything.

Yeah.

I don't think you need it, although I will say it does introduce all kinds of questions about codependency.

Did it make the two of you examine your own codependency in your relationship?

Of course.

Definitely.

I mean, we've been together 13 and a half years.

This is our fifth project together.

Our level of codependency is high.

It's high, but I think we came out of it realizing that it's healthy.

A lot of people.

We like to believe so.

Believe it or not, we do also work on projects that aren't done together.

So we often actually have to spend months apart not seeing each other at all.

So I sort of feel like our work enables us to have some independence.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I heard that you had a prosthetic made for a scene of your upper body.

Oh, sure.

Dave had it made.

Dave's like, there must be a bust of my body.

I will not do that movie unless.

But this bust of my body, so

say bust of my body.

Bust of my body.

There were like levers coming out of the bottom that controlled how much my mouth opened and closed.

And this thing was just floating around set for people to do whatever they wanted and I just it's just me going

truly

the busts the bust of Dave's body its natural state was just mouth agape and everyone on set was taking photos and having a lot of fun with that so you

travel a lot when you're away for a month's at a time do you travel now with the bust

we would but our writer director Michael Shanks took it home with him and now it's on his wall behind him for all of his zoom meetings that's a weird movie that's pretty cool.

We shall get to that.

We're all a little codependent on this movie.

Yeah, we're all a little attached.

We should have a conversation with HR about that.

Congratulations, by the way, on your Emmy nomination for the studio.

Thank you, thank you, Lord.

You are so funny in that show.

And the show is fantastic.

If anyone hasn't seen it, I know you're not here promoting that, but you should watch it.

It's very, very...

I got my first nomination for playing myself while inebriated on alcohol, weed, cocaine, and mushrooms.

Who could ask for anything more?

We all knew it was leading to this and our genitals being stuck together.

What a year.

We're doing it all.

This movie is getting so many rave reviews.

You're certified fresh on Rotten Tomatoes.

It opens today.

Congratulations on all of it.

Thank you.

I can't decide whether this is like a great movie for couples to see or a a terrible movie for couples to what do you hope that couples take away from it?

I mean, we do like people having their different reactions.

I do think no matter what, it's going to act as a mirror reflecting back people's opinions about relationships and monogamy.

So I think it's important to establish that you're on the same page as the person you're going to the movies with.

And worst case scenario, we're paying for your couples therapy.

Come on.

I can't even imagine a better option.

You get to see a great movie and you get free couples therapy.

So you guys are doing it all.

If you at home need couples therapy together is in theaters everywhere now.

Alexandre and Dane Franco.

We're going to have a quick drink, so we'll be right back after this.

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That's what's up for tonight.

Now here it is.

If you want to buy an electric vehicle, fine.

Fine.

Fine.

Just don't take taxpayer money to do it.

That's correct.

You know what they call that?

And it's not that important, by the way.

You are not going to die from emissions.

Right.

Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching The Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts.

Watch The Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Fairmount Plus.

This has been a Comedy Central podcast.

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