In the Field with Stephen Colbert

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Speaker 5 You're listening to Comedy Central.

Speaker 7 There are a whopping 469 congressional seats up for grabs on Tuesday.

Speaker 8 But just how do you get one of those positions?

Speaker 7 Well, our own Stephen Colbert shows us how, in another installment of his award-winning series, The Jobbing of America.

Speaker 6 Come on, America, let's go jobbing.

Speaker 11 The first thing I'll need is a set of heartfelt ideas and opinions.

Speaker 6 Congressmen get those from pollster strategists like Kellyanne Conway. I'm not here to be twisted and molded and baked in your focus group-fired kiln.
I'm a man of two unshakable principles.

Speaker 6 What are they?

Speaker 13 Your Your view on security and your view on quality of life.

Speaker 6 Which group of voters would be the most important?

Speaker 13 Forget soccer moms from the 90s. You want to get not-yet moms.

Speaker 6 The NIMS. They're the ones you want to get.
What about the MILFs? The MILFs?

Speaker 13 Middle-income.

Speaker 6 Moms I'd like to f.

Speaker 15 It's a fairly large demographic.

Speaker 13 You probably should not run.

Speaker 13 Okay.

Speaker 11 Great! Now I have long-held personal beliefs. I could either go door to door to communicate those ideas to like-minded citizens with a grassroots campaign, or I could get some money and actually win.

Speaker 11 For that, I turn to fundraiser Mike Frioli.

Speaker 14 Are there groups out there from whom you would not take money?

Speaker 14 No.

Speaker 14 Would you take money from the National Rifle Association?

Speaker 6 Absolutely.

Speaker 14 Okay, would you take money from handgun control, the Brady Handgun Control?

Speaker 6 Yes.

Speaker 14 They are on opposite sides. There is no middle.

Speaker 6 Why can't their common ground be my bank account?

Speaker 14 Soliciting them vote is not going to work.

Speaker 6 I don't see why not.

Speaker 14 I see what you're doing there, Steve, and I wish you luck in your campaign, but it's not going to work for you.

Speaker 11 Okey-doke, now that I've got loads of cash, I can hire a political ad maker like Bill Greener to help me communicate my positive message of hope.

Speaker 6 When do I get to go negative? I want to go negative before my opponent does.

Speaker 18 Generally speaking, the rule of thumb is if you know something's going to happen, predict it.

Speaker 6 My opponent has accused me of running a sweatshop that made knockoff foo boo sportswear that I then sold to the African-American community at criminally inflated prices.

Speaker 6 But there is zero paperwork to back that up.

Speaker 18 Is the attack by your opponent true or not true?

Speaker 6 No, it's a misunderstanding. The truth is that I know a large number of people in the immigrant Filipino community who needed someplace to do their sewing.

Speaker 6 But I don't see that as a negative. I want to spin that into a positive about job creation.

Speaker 20 That dog doesn't hunt.

Speaker 11 My political education complete. I'm ready to introduce myself to America.

Speaker 17 A vote for Stephen Colbert is a vote for family.

Speaker 6 My wife Barbara and I did our best to teach our children Christian values, and I'm committed to doing the same thing with this woman I left Barbara for.

Speaker 16 And I promise.

Speaker 6 I believe that elementary schools should be for our children but my opponent is against all that.

Speaker 6 My opponent wants to raid the Social Security Trust Fund and use your tax dollars to tear down buildings like this one. I don't care how many votes it costs me.
I say let our national monuments stand

Speaker 18 for our children.

Speaker 17 It's your choice, America.

Speaker 6 I believe the letters USA stand for something, and that's us. As ⁇

Speaker 17 November 5th votes Stephen Colbert for government office yet to be determined. Paid for by Greenpeace in the National Association of Whale Killers.

Speaker 7 Now our country has gone a long way towards overcoming racial discrimination, but sadly, other kinds of bigotry have emerged to take its place.

Speaker 7 Recently, our own Stephen Colbert blew the lid off one new form of intolerance.

Speaker 24 Sweet

Speaker 24 law,

Speaker 24 sweet charia.

Speaker 22 Audrey's silk has been kept down so long, she don't know what up is.

Speaker 27 It's become the new form of discrimination that's acceptable to everybody. It's created the second-class group of citizens that we haven't heard heard about since the 60s.

Speaker 27 There are some of us who just don't want to take that anymore.

Speaker 27 All we want to be able to do is smoke in peace.

Speaker 29 It's called smokeism.

Speaker 26 The systematic oppression of a minority simply because they were born smokers.

Speaker 33 Are smokers discriminated against on a daily basis?

Speaker 14 Yes.

Speaker 27 You can't smoke in most restaurants. You can't smoke in your workplace.
It's gotten even worse than segregation.

Speaker 27 Not only are they trying to put us on the back of the bus, but even more so off the bus completely.

Speaker 22 Rosa Parks didn't know how good she had it.

Speaker 26 And like a white female nicotine-addicted Martin Luther King, Audrey advocates civil disobedience.

Speaker 27 I would like all the smokers to start smoking in places they're not supposed to smoke.

Speaker 36 But the man, he don't care.

Speaker 30 Meet non-smoking supremacist John Banzath.

Speaker 26 This old whitey heads a group of smoke-hating crackers called Ash.

Speaker 37 What does Ash stand for?

Speaker 37 Let me guess.

Speaker 15 Just tell me if I get a word wrong.

Speaker 36 Arian. Stop.

Speaker 38 Ash stands for Action on Smoking and Health.

Speaker 32 Why shouldn't people be allowed to smoke where they want?

Speaker 38 Why shouldn't people be allowed to masturbate where they want?

Speaker 20 I ask myself that question every day.

Speaker 38 According to the Centers for Disease Control, Control, the American Medical Association, the World Health Organization, every scientific and medical body which has studied the subject, it kills more than half a million Americans each year.

Speaker 20 You're talking about smoking, not masturbating, right?

Speaker 26 Sure, the AMA and the CDC are convinced, but what about this guy in the short sleeves?

Speaker 42 Mr.

Speaker 40 Colby, are you a medical doctor?

Speaker 9 Oh, no.

Speaker 43 Have you ever done medical research in a laboratory setting?

Speaker 9 Oh, no.

Speaker 19 With all this expertise, what conclusions have you come to?

Speaker 41 Smoking does not cause lung cancer.

Speaker 10 Good enough for me.

Speaker 26 So where did the cancer hoax begin?

Speaker 31 You won't be one bit surprised.

Speaker 42 Well, it goes back to Nazi Germany.

Speaker 32 Okay, maybe a little surprised.

Speaker 28 Mr.

Speaker 20 Colby, did Hitler smoke?

Speaker 41 Oh, no, he hated smokers.

Speaker 31 Which leads to one obvious question.

Speaker 40 Professor Banzoff, name one way you're not Hitler.

Speaker 38 That's the stupidest question I ever heard. I wouldn't be able to find it in this.

Speaker 6 Well, I'll take that as a I don't have a mustache.

Speaker 41 I hope you will.

Speaker 23 Let's get back to masturbation for a second.

Speaker 6 Where does that right stop?

Speaker 38 Simply because you want to do something doesn't mean that you have a right to do it.

Speaker 38 If that logic prevails, then there should be masturbation and non-masturbation sections in restaurants and workplaces and airplanes.

Speaker 46 I think that's enough about masturbation.

Speaker 20 I don't know why you keep harping on that.

Speaker 32 You keep bringing it up. You brought it up.

Speaker 30 For now, all smokers can do is keep their eyes on the prize.

Speaker 27 I have a dream that we'll be able to go out in public and socialize with our friends and our family in settings outside the home.

Speaker 39 A dream that one day will all be judged by the content of our character and not the color of our lungs.

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Speaker 7 For years, Unchecked Urban Sprawl has been robbing our nation of pristine lands and indigenous wildlife. Stephen Colbert went to Maryland to file this disturbing report.

Speaker 22 Someone once said, unchecked urban sprawl has been robbing our nation of its pristine lands and their indigenous wildlife.

Speaker 32 And now it is threatening the habitat of one of America's most treasured species,

Speaker 40 the gun enthusiast.

Speaker 21 Known for their colorful plumage and 12-gauge mating calls, these gentle killing machines must have shooting ranges so they can shoot stuff.

Speaker 22 Ahead of me, you can see some hunters.

Speaker 38 It's a small pack.

Speaker 41 I'm not going to get too close.

Speaker 8 They have guns.

Speaker 46 But even guns won't protect them from the sprawl.

Speaker 49 I spoke with firing range manager Ben Wise.

Speaker 39 Are you concerned about the shrinking habitat of the hunter?

Speaker 52 With the urban sprawl, it's going to get very tough.

Speaker 22 And these ski shooters maintain a delicate symbiotic relationship with ski.

Speaker 22 How many clay pigeons do you have here on the preserve?

Speaker 52 We'll have close to 90,000 a month.

Speaker 39 And do the hunters tend to keep that number down?

Speaker 50 What we're looking at, is it endangered?

Speaker 54 Yes. Yes, it is.

Speaker 32 Endangered because a scant 75 yards away, heartless homeowners like Byron Belcher are complaining about the noise, even though the shooting range was there before the development.

Speaker 55 Well, the development was here before the shooting range was.

Speaker 31 Whatever.

Speaker 32 The point is, these soulless homeowners are less concerned about protecting the heavily armed gunmen and more concerned about their ears.

Speaker 55 I have a problem with the noise, which is very loud and it's continuous.

Speaker 56 Why can't you live peacefully with the firing range?

Speaker 22 They live peacefully with you,

Speaker 45 except for all the shooting.

Speaker 37 Why do they think people complain about the sounds of nature?

Speaker 9 Well,

Speaker 52 they just want to complain about something, I guess.

Speaker 45 There are a lot louder things that you could live next to.

Speaker 45 A dynamite factory.

Speaker 37 Because of a senseless sound ordinance, for a perilous moment, it appeared that the silence mongers would prevail.

Speaker 32 But when all seemed lost, state senator and gun lover lover Phil Giameno bravely stepped in to protect the nesting place of the khaki-vested marksman.

Speaker 8 We passed legislation to protect existing gun clubs so they can maintain their hours of operation.

Speaker 31 His heroic bill freed gun clubs from noise restrictions.

Speaker 45 For the record, you're not supporting this bill because you're in the NRA's pocket.

Speaker 40 They don't own you.

Speaker 45 You're not their puppet on a string. You're not a wind-up toy to which the NRA has the key.
You're not in the NRA's harem.

Speaker 45 No one in the NRA is going to say that one there with the fiery eyes, have him bathed and brought to my tent.

Speaker 6 That's not going to happen.

Speaker 60 That's exactly right.

Speaker 30 Regardless of whose bitch Senator Gimeno isn't, the shooting range is protected

Speaker 7 for now.

Speaker 22 But America's wilderness is still disappearing, and its bewildered, displaced inhabitants are quickly becoming a danger to us, and sadly, to themselves.

Speaker 51 Stephen Colbert, ladies and gentlemen, nicely done.

Speaker 16 Excellent report.

Speaker 7 I hate to contradict that report, Stephen. Obviously, you put a lot of time and effort into it, but

Speaker 7 I think

Speaker 7 maybe

Speaker 7 the neighbors might have a valid argument, the homeowners.

Speaker 61 Okay, I'll bite. What is it?

Speaker 7 There's high-powered weaponry firing yards away from their homes 12 hours a day. It could be kind of nerve-wracking.

Speaker 53 Wow.

Speaker 50 No one ever really put it quite like that, John.

Speaker 55 God, suddenly

Speaker 62 I really feel for the homeowners.

Speaker 10 Hold on, hold on, just a second.

Speaker 61 Chuck, could I get a close-up?

Speaker 62 Those poor homeowning bastards.

Speaker 7 If only they had guns.

Speaker 7 Thank you, Stephen. Stephen Colbert, everybody.
We'll be right back after that.

Speaker 7 13 million pennies are minted every day. But now some are saying enough is enough.
Keep the penny or lose the penny. Stephen Colbert tries to make sense of the heated debate.

Speaker 32 A pretty penny. Penny for your thoughts.

Speaker 12 Penny Marshall.

Speaker 32 The one-cent piece is as American as apple pie, but to some, the penny has become public enemy number one.

Speaker 41 The pennies is a nuisance, period.

Speaker 63 End of discussion.

Speaker 32 Jim Benfield is a Washington lobbyist crusading against the penny because of all the time it wastes.

Speaker 63 It's about two to two and a half seconds per cash transaction.

Speaker 30 But Washington, D.C.'s chief coin collector, Jack Shattig, is eloquently pro-penny.

Speaker 30 Why do you think pennies stir up such deep, fiery emotions?

Speaker 64 I think there's a lot that the penny is

Speaker 9 part of your

Speaker 64 what things are.

Speaker 32 Clearly, there are passionate arguments to be made on both sides of this divisive issue, and so to quell the controversy, we turn to a voice of reason.

Speaker 19 Meet Dr.

Speaker 22 Bozo Einstein, noted social philosopher and monetary theorist, who has a theory about money.

Speaker 25 Theory stems from the word theos, which is blasphemy for the mighty Zeus.

Speaker 31 I do not have theories on anything.

Speaker 19 Okay, theories, no, but a 350-page manifesto, yes.

Speaker 39 Okay, I think I have the basic idea.

Speaker 29 But what about pennies?

Speaker 36 I like the penny.

Speaker 10 It's

Speaker 10 brown, it's different.

Speaker 28 A powerful argument.

Speaker 12 And furthermore, without pennies, how would we pay at the register?

Speaker 63 What you do is you round the transaction up or down to the nearest nickel. One and two go down, three, four go up, six, seven go down, eight, nine goes up.

Speaker 40 But how simple is rounding in reality?

Speaker 19 Take us through it, Doctor.

Speaker 37 Let's crunch the numbers.

Speaker 25 Okay, now to my knowledge, volume of a penny is 1.38 times 10 to the negative 5 cubic foot. Okay.

Speaker 36 Are we getting closer? I'll figure it out.

Speaker 40 I'm owning the numbers where you got it.

Speaker 16 All right, all right, all right.

Speaker 19 Given the obvious complexities of rounding, Dr.

Speaker 32 Einstein offers the only logical answer to the penny debate: abolish all other

Speaker 25 money but the penny.

Speaker 32 A A common sense solution, but one that sadly falls on deaf ears.

Speaker 15 One expert says the penny is the only coin we should keep.

Speaker 51 Oh, I'd like to talk to that person.

Speaker 63 Give my phone number.

Speaker 25 I will.

Speaker 35 I will.

Speaker 44 Stephen Colbert, ladies and

Speaker 44 Thank you, John.

Speaker 62 Thank you. Stephen,

Speaker 7 it seems like the only reason that people want to get rid of pennies is because it wastes transaction time.

Speaker 65 Well, that's what they'd have you believe, John. But I believe that the real reason is racism.

Speaker 61 John,

Speaker 40 the penny is brown.

Speaker 50 Lincoln freed the slave.

Speaker 56 Sure, so let's get rid of the penny.

Speaker 7 I think that's a reach.

Speaker 65 John, trust me on this one. There's a pattern here.
The nickel is shiny. It's almost white.

Speaker 66 Jefferson's on the nickel.

Speaker 67 Jefferson had slaves. Jefferson had sex with slaves.

Speaker 32 Washington is on the quarter.

Speaker 57 He's white.

Speaker 67 He had slaves.

Speaker 43 Kennedy, the half-dollar, white, he had slaves.

Speaker 7 I don't think Kennedy had slaves.

Speaker 6 Sure, John.

Speaker 26 And he was monogamous.

Speaker 28 And

Speaker 28 assassinated.

Speaker 25 Thank you, Stephen.

Speaker 65 Thank you, John.

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Speaker 7 Hardlutter the King Day is, among other things, a time to look back on how far race relations have come in these United States. Stephen Colbert traveled down south to file this inspiring report.

Speaker 19 Has there been progress?

Speaker 24 Well, in South Carolina, a long-standing problem with the Confederate flag flying at the state house has finally been resolved thanks to the heroic efforts of forward-thinking state senator Glenn McConnell.

Speaker 10 The flag was a problem, but you changed it.

Speaker 60 How did you do that?

Speaker 40 The first flag that went up was cotton, and we changed it to a nylon flag.

Speaker 10 The flag out there now is weather-resistant.

Speaker 59 That sounds like progress to me.

Speaker 10 Yeah.

Speaker 22 But sadly, inequity still exists between the races. So state lawmakers tried to even the playing field by supporting the greatest of all civil rights holidays.

Speaker 40 We made Confederate Memorial Day a mandatory state holiday.

Speaker 32 But in South Carolina, shockingly, less than 5%

Speaker 26 observe this day that honors those who fought for the Confederate way of life.

Speaker 22 But civil rights leader slash barbecue king Maurice Bessinger is fighting to change that. Don't you think Confederate Memorial Day was the sort of thing that Martin Luther King was fighting for?

Speaker 60 Yes. Yes, I think Dr.
Martin Luther King would support Confederate Memorial Day today.

Speaker 58 And like Martin Luther King, he believes that the truth will set you free.

Speaker 60 The truth is the truth. And the truth is that the black people are much better off here today than if it had stayed in Africa.

Speaker 50 No more tigers?

Speaker 37 No more. Right.

Speaker 50 No more.

Speaker 37 Well, I wish I knew more about Africa, but no more of a lot of things.

Speaker 36 Right.

Speaker 19 Maurice's need to speak the truth has led to a boycott of his chain of cozy restaurants, his delicious barbecue sauce, and his fashionable line of Confederate tube socks.

Speaker 22 All this only proves there are some in the South who still discriminate.

Speaker 33 Why are you so bent on keeping the Confederacy down?

Speaker 7 We don't believe that Confederate Memorial Day is a day that we should celebrate.

Speaker 7 It would represent torture, slavery, exclusion, and all the things that we would not embrace as Americans and lovers of freedom.

Speaker 59 Yes, but why else?

Speaker 15 Why would anyone want to take away Confederate Memorial Day?

Speaker 33 Isn't it bad enough the South got its tail kicked in the Civil War?

Speaker 59 I mean, kicked all over the place, like left and right, like slapped.

Speaker 14 Well,

Speaker 22 we need to.

Speaker 49 Like there were just a bunch of silly little girls wearing frock coats pretending to fight.

Speaker 23 Though he may not win, Maurice finds solace in the words of an old Confederate hymn.

Speaker 20 Are you familiar with the work of the British poet William Idol?

Speaker 9 Not really.

Speaker 37 He wrote, if I remember correctly,

Speaker 40 in the midnight hour,

Speaker 20 she cried more, more, more.

Speaker 65 With a rebel yell.

Speaker 29 She cried more, more, more.

Speaker 41 More, more, more.

Speaker 21 Don't you think that captures something

Speaker 37 about

Speaker 37 something?

Speaker 60 We keep on going. We're never going to give up.
We're going to get our rights back.

Speaker 60 Steven Colbert. Excellent.

Speaker 60 Thank you, Frank. Final recording.

Speaker 7 Stephen, if I may,

Speaker 7 incredible reporting about a pretty painful issue. Did you find in your travels down there any bright spot in all this?

Speaker 61 Yes, John, thankfully there is one bright spot.

Speaker 65 It's Maurice's barbecue.

Speaker 61 It's really amazing.

Speaker 56 You know, I didn't think I was going to want the, I didn't think I'd really enjoy the mustard-based barbecue sauce, but I have to tell you, it's really got some zip.

Speaker 7 Well, if I could just getting back to the story at hand, I was actually surprised by how far, clearly we still have to go to heal the wounds of racism. It's surprising.

Speaker 20 Yeah, I know what you're talking about.

Speaker 49 That didn't really surprise me. What did surprise me was just how sweet this sauce is

Speaker 5 without surrendering any of its spiciness.

Speaker 12 You know, it's really, I don't know, it was jalapeno or cayenne or something, but

Speaker 32 it just blindsided me, John,

Speaker 68 as a journalist.

Speaker 7 Stephen, I noticed in the report, didn't you mention that there was a boycott against Maurice's barbecue?

Speaker 51 Yeah.

Speaker 30 And I fully support it, John.

Speaker 12 I mean, I didn't get any coleslaw or any hush puppies.

Speaker 49 Power to the people, John. We can change the world.

Speaker 7 Now, the discovery of forgotten surgical instruments wedged into your digestive tract is but one of many advantages to the heightened state of security here in America.

Speaker 7 The Bush administration's new Patriot Act also allows for search without warrant and detention without a lawyer.

Speaker 44 It's a brave new world.

Speaker 7 And our Stephen Colbert explores it in a segment we call, So You're Living in a Police State.

Speaker 66 Oh, hi, I didn't see you there in the sprinkler head.

Speaker 44 I'm Stephen Colbert, and welcome to So You're Living in a Police State.

Speaker 62 Attorney General John Ashcroft has been working overtime to give the government sweeping new powers in the name of national security.

Speaker 39 Of course, nervous Nellies and constitution huggers have been crying foul.

Speaker 62 Hopefully today, I can show you how the curtailing of your civil liberties doesn't have to be oppressive. It can be fun-pressive.

Speaker 61 So join me, won't you?

Speaker 31 Who knows?

Speaker 32 You may even end up on a list.

Speaker 41 Oopsa daisy.

Speaker 61 Forgot I was on camera.

Speaker 62 Constant government surveillance.

Speaker 39 Big brother equals big fun.

Speaker 32 Everybody wants to be on television.

Speaker 66 And thanks to the new police state, everybody will be. Not just on the street, also in here.

Speaker 9 Even in here.

Speaker 31 And who knows where else.

Speaker 31 Hey, there's something I didn't know.

Speaker 9 I have a polyp.

Speaker 54 Thanks, Police State.

Speaker 32 Invasion of Privacy.

Speaker 44 How omniscient government supercomputers can work for you.

Speaker 32 Losing something can be so frustrating.

Speaker 31 It's hard to remember where we put things.

Speaker 32 And psychics can be so expensive.

Speaker 28 But thanks to the new Department of Homeland Security, losing something will soon be a thing of the past.

Speaker 44 I'm going to president.

Speaker 39 Hey guys, where are my keys?

Speaker 6 Thanks.

Speaker 19 You guys are sweethearts.

Speaker 44 Homeland Security is every Patriot's TV. You can get into the act too.

Speaker 16 Die!

Speaker 34 Citizen surveillance!

Speaker 19 Who would you like to see arrested? Does your neighbor have something you covet?

Speaker 51 Hello, government.

Speaker 32 This is Jack Lison.

Speaker 39 Anyway, my neighbor has been acting kind of suspicious.

Speaker 32 I notice he eats a lot of falafel and baba ganushan stuff.

Speaker 44 And Presto Batrejo, he's declared an enemy combatant.

Speaker 52 And the government doesn't even have to tell him what he's charged with.

Speaker 9 I'll keep an eye on her for you, Habib.

Speaker 51 Don't worry.

Speaker 44 If he's innocent, he'll be released.

Speaker 39 Eventually.

Speaker 54 You're soft.

Speaker 34 To protect yourself from your neighbor's inevitable counter-betrayal, you might want to spray paint the Ten Commandments on the roof of your house.

Speaker 44 This will let the Predator Drone Surveillance aircraft know you're one of the good guys.

Speaker 32 But, Stephen, you're probably being recorded as saying, doesn't all this government spying on its citizens mean losing our basic freedoms? Of course not.

Speaker 66 It means gaining limits on those freedoms.

Speaker 62 Something Uncle Sam likes to call freedom plus.

Speaker 62 And there's so many more benefits.

Speaker 32 In a fear-based economy, everybody's a spy.

Speaker 66 Total surveillance means total employment.

Speaker 68 Also, all additional benefits classified under the United States Patriot Act of 2001. For further information about these benefits, report to federal detention centers,

Speaker 68 happy clown candy centers.

Speaker 39 Of course, not everybody can handle that much freedom.

Speaker 30 For those who absolutely need their privacy, these convenient privacy boxes are just the ticket to get away from it all.

Speaker 39 I'm Stephen Colbert.

Speaker 44 I hope you've learned something tonight, but most of all, I hope you enjoy the police state.

Speaker 43 John.

Speaker 7 Thank you, Stephen. You know, that wasn't dark enough.

Speaker 16 We'll be right back.

Speaker 7 And as our military gets ready for war with Iraq, the question remains, will our media be ready for war with Iraq?

Speaker 7 We got a chance to find out when we sent our own Stephen Colbert to the front lines to find out.

Speaker 35 I got my orders at dawn. The military was conducting war exercises at Fort Dix to show the media what it would be like to cover a real war in Iraq.

Speaker 35 My mission would take me deep into the heart of darkness, southern mid-New Jersey, a nightmare realm where all the rest stops have Roy Rogers.

Speaker 36 At the base, we met Lieutenant Colonel Hudspat, tough old bastard, hard as nails.

Speaker 54 If you, for any reason, feel like I'm just too cold, I wasn't prepared for this, please tell us because we want to get you back into a warm van.

Speaker 46 I knew I was gonna hate this guy.

Speaker 58 We were a ragtag group, kids mostly.

Speaker 19 There was the fresh-faced 40-year-old from TV Guide.

Speaker 37 We called him Tiny.

Speaker 58 South Korean correspondent Kim Park, aka Brooklyn.

Speaker 35 There was Deuces,

Speaker 36 Velvet Hat,

Speaker 16 and uh.

Speaker 18 Crab cakes?

Speaker 51 Yeah.

Speaker 36 Crab cakes.

Speaker 26 We marched out to the DMZ, Duh Media Zone, knowing that some of us wouldn't be coming back until about 4:30.

Speaker 35 At first, we didn't trust each other.

Speaker 19 I don't trust you.

Speaker 35 Then, gradually, over time, with patience, we earned each other's trust.

Speaker 26 Okay, I trust you now.

Speaker 23 Crabcakes had been there since 10 a.m.

Speaker 35 The ordeal had cut the humanity right out of him.

Speaker 15 In all that time, how many people do you think you've uh shot?

Speaker 53 Yeah.

Speaker 9 Man,

Speaker 51 after the first 10, you just lose, kidding.

Speaker 23 I'm just glad that crazy bastard was on our side.

Speaker 32 The morning crawled on.

Speaker 23 We were ready for action, and by action, of course, I mean the 10.30 seminar on press conference protocol. But evidently, the first casualty of a fake war is the itinerary.

Speaker 22 Due to technical delays, we're not yet ready to present the ambush scenario.

Speaker 15 So.

Speaker 58 Noon brought a surprise.

Speaker 23 Still more nothing.

Speaker 22 The only thing that kept us sane was remembering those we loved the most.

Speaker 50 My dearest, how I long to be alone with you, to run my fingers through your raven hair, to touch your milk-white skin.

Speaker 30 It is O21500.

Speaker 45 We've been here for,

Speaker 37 I don't know, a long time.

Speaker 32 It is so cold, I could snap my genitals off like a graham cracker.

Speaker 32 Then suddenly, completely with warning, we were in the thick of it, and all our training went out the window.

Speaker 66 Get a shot of this.

Speaker 39 This is incredibly confusing.

Speaker 57 Nobody knows who's with CBS, who's with UPI.

Speaker 43 It's just chaos.

Speaker 23 The kind of chaos that can unhinge a man's mind.

Speaker 28 I love musicals.

Speaker 31 And in the middle of the madness, the unthinkable happened.

Speaker 10 I just wanted to get out of there, but then I remembered the number one rule for reporters covering a fake war.

Speaker 35 Never leave any man behind.

Speaker 51 I see deuces.

Speaker 16 Okay.

Speaker 44 I see crab cake.

Speaker 9 How about

Speaker 51 I don't see Brooklyn.

Speaker 51 Brooklyn!

Speaker 51 Brooklyn!

Speaker 37 That's my ride.

Speaker 40 Well, he's just one man. We can leave him.

Speaker 58 As I said goodbye to Deuce's Crab Cake and this guy, let's call him Huggy.

Speaker 46 I knew I wasn't the only person this day would haunt forever.

Speaker 15 Do you think this experience might haunt you?

Speaker 16 Not at all.

Speaker 16 The horror.

Speaker 16 the horror, where had I parked my Volvo?

Speaker 34 Stephen Colbert, that is in gentlemen.

Speaker 7 Stephen, thank you so much for that report.

Speaker 7 It seems like you had a very profound experience.

Speaker 61 Yes, John, and it's far from over.

Speaker 7 What do you mean? I thought it was just a day.

Speaker 57 So did I, John, but I just found out that while I was there, I fathered this beautiful Amerasian child.

Speaker 44 Melee. There she is.

Speaker 34 Isn't she beautiful, John?

Speaker 5 She is an angel.

Speaker 7 She is quite beautiful.

Speaker 17 How old is she, Stephen?

Speaker 6 She's nine.

Speaker 25 I don't want to

Speaker 7 question this, but you just shot the story last week,

Speaker 7 so that doesn't make any sense.

Speaker 66 Does anything in war make sense, John?

Speaker 7 Thank you very much, Tim.

Speaker 53 Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching The Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts.

Speaker 53 Watch the Daily Show weeknights at 1110 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Fairmount Plus.

Speaker 5 This has been a Comedy Central podcast.

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