In the Field with Stephen Colbert

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You're listening to Comedy Central.

There are a whopping 469 congressional seats up for grabs on Tuesday.

But just how do you get one of those positions?

Well, our own Stephen Colbert shows us how, in another installment of his award-winning series, The Jobbing of America.

Come on, America, let's go jobbing.

The first thing I'll need is a set of heartfelt ideas and opinions.

Congressmen get those from pollster strategists like Kellyanne Conway.

I'm not here to be twisted and molded and baked in your focus group-fired kiln.

I'm a man of two unshakable principles.

What are they?

Your view on security and your view on quality of life.

Which group of voters would be the most important?

Forget soccer moms from the 90s.

You want to get not-yet moms.

The NIMS.

They're the ones you want to get.

What about the MILFs?

The MILFs?

Middle-income.

Moms I'd like to f.

It's a fairly large demographic.

You probably should not run.

Okay.

Great.

Now I have long-held personal beliefs.

I could either go door to door to communicate those ideas to like-minded citizens with a grassroots campaign, or I could get some money and actually win.

For that, I turn to fundraiser Mike Frioli.

Are there groups out there from whom you would not take money?

No.

Would you take money from the National Rifle Association?

Absolutely.

Okay, would you take money from handgun control, the Brady Handgun Control?

Yes.

They are on opposite sides.

There is no middle.

Why can't their common ground be my bank account?

Soliciting them vote is not going to work.

I don't see why not.

I see what you're doing there, Steve, and I wish you luck in your campaign, but it's not going to work for you.

Okey-doke, now that I've got loads of cash, I can hire a political ad maker like Bill Greener to help me communicate my positive message of hope.

When do I I get to go negative?

I want to go negative before my opponent does.

Generally speaking, the rule of thumb is if you know something's going to happen, predict it.

My opponent has accused me of running a sweatshop that made knockoff foo boo sportswear that I then sold to the African-American community at criminally inflated prices.

But there is zero paperwork to back that up.

Is the attack by your opponent true or not true?

No, it's a misunderstanding.

The truth is that I know a a large number of people in the immigrant Filipino community who needed someplace to do their sewing.

But I don't see that as a negative.

I want to spin that into a positive about job creation.

That dog doesn't hunt.

My political education complete.

I'm ready to introduce myself to America.

A vote for Stephen Colbert.

is a vote for family.

My wife Barbara and I did our best to teach our children Christian values and I'm committed to doing the same thing with this woman I left Barbara for.

And I am.

I believe that elementary schools should be for our children.

But my opponent is against all that.

My opponent wants to raid the Social Security Trust Fund and use your tax dollars to tear down buildings like this one.

I don't care how many votes it costs me.

I say let our national monuments stand

for our children.

It's your choice, America.

I believe the letters USA stand for something, and that's us.

As

November 5th, votes Stephen Colbert for government office yet to be determined.

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Now, our country has gone a long way towards overcoming racial discrimination, but sadly, other kinds of bigotry have emerged to take its place.

Recently, our own Stephen Colbert blew the lid off one new form of intolerance.

Sweet

law.

Sweet charia.

Audrey's silk has been kept down so long, she don't know what up is.

It's become the new form of discrimination that's acceptable to everybody.

It's created the second-class group of citizens that we haven't heard about since the 60s.

There are some of us who just don't want to take that anymore.

All we want to be able to do is smoke in peace.

It's called smokeism.

The systematic oppression of a minority simply because they were born smokers.

Are smokers discriminated against on a daily basis?

Yes.

You can't smoke in most restaurants.

You can't smoke in your workplace.

It's gotten even worse than segregation.

Not only are they trying to put us on the back of the bus, but even more so off the bus completely.

Rosa Parks didn't know how good she had it.

And like a white female nicotine-addicted Martin Luther King, Audrey advocates civil disobedience.

I would like all the smokers to start smoking in places they're not supposed to smoke.

But the man, he don't care.

Meet non-smoking supremacist John Banzaff.

This old whitey heads a group of smoke-hating crackers called Ash.

What does Ash stand for?

Let me guess.

Just tell me if I get a word wrong.

Arian.

Stop.

Ash stands for Action on Smoking and Health.

Why shouldn't people be allowed to smoke where they want?

Why shouldn't people be allowed to masturbate where they want?

I ask myself myself that question every day.

According to the Centers for Disease Control, the American Medical Association, the World Health Organization, every scientific and medical body which has studied the subject, it kills more than half a million Americans each year.

You're talking about smoking, not masturbating, right?

Sure, the AMA and the CDC are convinced, but what about this guy in the short sleeves?

Mr.

Colby, are you a medical doctor?

Oh, no.

Have you ever done medical research in a laboratory setting?

Oh, no.

With all this expertise, what conclusions have you come to?

Smoking does not cause lung cancer.

Good enough for me.

So where did the cancer hoax begin?

You won't be one bit surprised.

Well, it goes back to Nazi Germany.

Okay, maybe a little surprised.

Mr.

Colby, did Hitler smoke?

Oh no, he hated smokers.

Which leads to one obvious question.

Professor Banzaff, name one way you're not Hitler.

That's the stupidest question I ever heard.

I wouldn't even find it in this.

I'll take that as a, I don't have a mustache.

I hope you will.

Let's get back to masturbation for a second.

Where does that right stop?

Simply because you want to do something doesn't mean that you have a right to do it.

If that logic prevails, then there should be masturbation and non-masturbation sections in restaurants and workplaces and airborne.

I think that's enough about masturbation.

I don't know why you keep harping on that.

You keep bringing it up.

You brought it up.

For now, all smokers can do is keep their eyes on the prize.

I have a dream that we'll be able to go out in public and socialize with our friends and and our family in settings outside the home.

A dream that one day we'll all be judged by the content of our character and not the color of our lungs.

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For years, unchecked urban sprawl has been robbing our nation of pristine lands and indigenous wildlife.

Stephen Colbert went to Maryland to file this disturbing report.

Someone once said, unchecked urban sprawl has been robbing our nation of its pristine lands and their indigenous wildlife.

And now it is threatening the habitat of one of America's most treasured species,

the gun enthusiast.

Known for their colorful plumage and 12-gauge mating calls, these gentle killing machines must have shooting ranges so they can shoot stuff.

Ahead of me, you can see some hunters.

It's a small pack.

I'm not gonna get too close.

They have guns.

But even guns won't protect them from the sprawl.

I spoke with firing range manager Ben Wise.

Are you concerned about the shrinking habitat of the hunter?

With the urban sprawl, it's gonna get very tough.

And these ski shooters maintain a delicate symbiotic relationship with ski.

How many clay pigeons do you have here on the preserve?

We'll have close to 90,000 a month.

And do the hunters tend to keep that number down?

What we're looking at, is it endangered?

Yes.

Yes, it is.

Endangered because a scant 75 yards away, heartless homeowners like Byron Belcher are complaining about the noise, even though the shooting range was there before the development.

Well, the development was here before the shooting range was.

Whatever.

The point is, these soulless homeowners are less concerned about protecting the heavily armed gunmen and more concerned about their ears.

I have a problem with the noise, which is is very loud and it's continuous.

Why can't you live peacefully with the firing range?

They live peacefully with you,

except for all the shooting.

Why do you think people complain about the sounds of nature?

Well,

they just want to complain about something, I guess.

There are a lot louder things that you could live next to.

A dynamite factory.

Because of a senseless sound ordinance, for a perilous moment, it appeared that the silence mongers would prevail.

But when all seemed lost, state senator and gun lover lover Phil Giameno bravely stepped in to protect the nesting place of the khaki-vested marksman.

We passed legislation to protect existing gun clubs so they can maintain their hours of operation.

His heroic bill freed gun clubs from noise restrictions.

For the record, you're not supporting this bill because you're in the NRA's pocket.

They don't own you.

You're not their puppet on a string.

You're not a wind-up toy to which the NRA has the key.

You're not in the NRA's harem.

No one in the NRA is going to say that one there with the fiery eyes, have him bathed and brought to my tent.

That's not going to happen.

That's exactly right.

Regardless of whose bitch Senator Gimeno isn't, the shooting range is protected

for now.

But America's wilderness is still disappearing, and its bewildered, displaced inhabitants are quickly becoming a danger to us, and sadly, to themselves.

Stephen Colbert, ladies and gentlemen, nicely done.

Excellent report.

I hate to contradict.

I hate to contradict that report, Stephen.

Obviously, you put a lot of time and effort into it, but I think

maybe

the neighbors might have a valid argument, the homeowners.

Okay, I'll bite.

What is it?

There's high-powered weaponry firing yards away from their homes 12 hours a day.

It could be kind of nerve-wracking.

Wow.

No one ever really put it quite like that, John.

God, suddenly

I really feel for the homeowners.

Hold on, hold on just a second.

Chuck, could I get a close-up?

Those poor homeowning bastards.

If only they had guns.

Thank you, Stephen.

Stephen Colbert, everybody.

We'll be right back after you.

13 million pennies are minted every day.

But now some are saying enough is enough.

Keep the penny or lose the penny.

Stephen Colbert tries to make sense of the heated debate.

A pretty penny.

Penny for your thoughts.

Penny Marshall.

The one-cent piece is as American as apple pie, but to some, the penny has become public enemy number one.

The pennies is a nuisance.

Period.

End of discussion.

Jim Benfield is a Washington lobbyist crusading against the penny because of all the time it wastes.

It's about two to two and a half seconds per cash transaction.

But Washington, D.C.'s chief coin collector, Jack Shattig, is eloquently pro-penny.

Why do you think pennies stir up such deep, fiery emotions?

I think there's a lot.

The penny is

part of your

of what things are.

Clearly, there are passionate arguments to be made on both sides of this divisive issue, and so to quell the controversy, we turn to a voice of reason.

Meet Dr.

Bozo Einstein, noted social philosopher and monetary theorist who has a theory about money theory stems from the word theos which is blasphemy for the mighty zeus i do not have theories on anything okay theories no but a 350 page manifesto yes

okay i think i have the basic idea

But what about pennies?

I like the penny.

It's brown, it's different.

A powerful argument.

And furthermore, without pennies, how would we pay at the register?

What you do is you round the transaction up or down to the nearest nickel.

One and two go down, three, four go up, six, seven go down, eight, nine goes up.

But how simple is rounding in reality?

Take us through it, Doctor.

Let's crunch the numbers.

Okay, now to my knowledge, volume of a penny is 1.38 times 10 to the negative 5 cubic foot.

Okay.

Are we getting close here?

I'll figure it out.

I'm owning an option.

All right, all right, all right.

Given the obvious complexities of rounding, Dr.

Einstein offers the only logical answer to the penny debate.

Abolish all other

money but the penny.

A common sense solution, but one that sadly falls on deaf ears.

One expert says the penny is the only coin we should keep.

Oh, I'd like to talk to that person.

Give my phone number.

I will.

I will.

Stephen Colbert, ladies and gentlemen.

That sounds like a good one.

Thank you, John.

Thank you.

Stephen,

it seems like the only reason that people want to get rid of pennies is because it wastes transaction time.

Well, that's what they'd have you believe, John.

But I believe that the real reason is racism.

John,

the penny is brown.

Lincoln freed the slave.

Sure, so let's get rid of the penny.

I think that's a reach.

John, trust me on this one.

There's a pattern here.

The nickel is shiny.

It's almost white.

Jefferson's on the nickel.

Jefferson had slaves.

Jefferson had sex with slaves.

Washington is on the quarter.

He's white.

He had slaves.

Kennedy, the half-dollar, white, he had slaves.

I don't think Kennedy had slaves.

Sure, John.

And he was monogamous

and

assassinated.

Thank you, Stephen.

Thank you, John.

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Hartluther King Day is, among other things, a time to look back on how far race relations have come in these United States.

Stephen Colbert traveled down south to file this inspiring report.

Has there been progress?

Well, in South Carolina, a long-standing problem with the Confederate flag flying at the state house has finally been resolved thanks to the heroic efforts of forward-thinking state senator Glenn McConnell.

The flag was a problem, but you changed it.

How did you do that?

The first flag that went up was cotton, and we changed it to a nylon flag.

The flag out there now is weather-resistant.

That sounds like progress to me.

Yeah.

But sadly, inequity still exists between the races.

So state lawmakers tried to even the playing field by supporting the greatest of all civil rights holidays.

We made Confederate Memorial Day a mandatory state holiday.

But in South Carolina, shockingly, less than 5%

observe this day that honors those who fought for the Confederate way of life.

But civil rights leader slash barbecue king Maurice Bessinger is fighting to change that.

Don't you think Confederate Memorial Day was the sort of thing that Martin Luther King was fighting for?

Yes.

Yes, I think Dr.

Martin Luther King would support Confederate Memorial Day today.

And like Martin Luther King, he believes that the truth will set you free.

Truth is the truth, and the truth is that the black people are much better off here today than if it had stayed in Africa.

No more tigers?

No more.

Right.

No more.

Well, I wish I knew more about Africa, but no more of a lot of things.

Right.

Maurice's need to speak the truth has led to a boycott of his chain of cozy restaurants, his delicious barbecue sauce, and his fashionable line of Confederate tube socks.

All this only proves there are some in the South who still discriminate.

Why are you so bent on keeping the Confederacy down?

We don't believe that Confederate Memorial Day is a day that we should celebrate.

It would represent torture, slavery, exclusion, and all the things that we would not embrace as Americans and lovers of freedom.

Yes, but why else?

Why would anyone want to take away Confederate Memorial Day?

Isn't it bad enough the South got its tail kicked in the Civil War?

I mean, kicked all over the place, like left and right, like slapped.

Like there were just a bunch of silly little girls wearing frock coats pretending to fight.

Though he may not win, Maurice finds solace in the words of an old Confederate hymn.

Are you familiar with the work of the British poet William Idol?

Not really.

He wrote, if I remember correctly,

in the midnight hour,

she cried more, more, more.

With a rebel yell,

She cried more, more, more.

More, more, more.

Don't you think that captures something

about something?

We keep on going.

We're never going to give up.

We're going to get our rights back.

Steven Colbert.

Excellent.

Final reporting.

Stephen, if I may,

incredible reporting about a pretty painful issue.

Did you find in your travels down there any bright spot in all this?

Yes, John, thankfully there is one bright spot.

It's Maurice's barbecue.

It's really amazing.

You know, I didn't think I was going to want the, I didn't think I'd really enjoy the mustard-based barbecue sauce, but I have to tell you, it's really got some zip.

Well, if I could just getting back to the story at hand, I was actually surprised by how far, clearly we still have to go to heal the wounds of racism.

It's surprising.

Yeah, I know what you're talking about.

That didn't really surprise me.

What did surprise me was just how sweet this sauce is

without surrendering any of its spiciness.

You know, it's really, I don't know, it was jalapeno or cayenne or something, but

it just blindslided me, John,

as a journalist.

Stephen, I noticed in the report, didn't you mention that there was a boycott against Maurice's barbecue?

Yeah.

And I fully support it, John.

I mean, I didn't get any coleslaw or any hush puppies.

Power to the people, John.

We can change the world.

Now, the discovery of forgotten surgical instruments wedged into your digestive tract is but one of many advantages to the heightened state of security here in America.

The Bush administration's new Patriot Act also allows for search without warrant and detention without a lawyer.

It's a brave new world.

And our Stephen Colbert explores it in a segment we call, So You're Living in a Police State.

Oh, hi.

I didn't see you there in the sprinkler head.

I'm Stephen Colbert, and welcome to So You're Living in a Police State.

Attorney General John Ashcroft has been working overtime to give the government sweeping new powers in the name of national security.

Of course, nervous Nellies and constitution huggers have been crying foul.

Hopefully today, I can show you how the curtailing of your civil liberties doesn't have to be oppressive.

It can be fun-pressive.

So join me, won't you?

Who knows?

You may even end up on a list.

Oopsa Daisy.

Forgot I was on camera.

Constant government surveillance.

Big brother equals big fun.

Everybody wants to be on television.

And thanks to the new police state, everybody will be.

Not just on the street, also in here.

Even in here.

And who knows where else.

Hey, there's something I didn't know.

I have a polyp.

Thanks, Police State.

Invasion of Privacy.

How omniscient government supercomputers can work for you.

Losing something can be so frustrating.

It's hard to remember where we put things.

And psychics can be so expensive.

But thanks to the new Department of Homeland Security, losing something will soon be a thing of the past.

I'm gonna get president.

Hey guys, where are my keys?

Thanks.

You guys are sweethearts.

Homeland Security is every Patriot's TV.

You can get into the act, too.

Die!

Citizen surveillance, who would you like to see arrested?

Does your neighbor have something you covet?

Hello, government.

This is Jacklisson.

Anyway, my neighbor has been acting kind of suspicious.

I notice he eats a lot of falafel and baba ganushan stuff.

And Presto Vitrejo, he's declared an enemy combatant.

And the government doesn't even have to tell him what he's charged with.

I'll keep an eye on her for you, Habib.

Don't worry, if he's innocent, he'll be released.

Eventually.

You're soft.

To protect yourself from your neighbor's inevitable counter betrayal, you might want to spray paint the Ten Commandments on the roof of your house.

This will let the Predator drone surveillance aircraft know you're one of the good guys.

But, Stephen, you're probably being recorded as saying, doesn't all this government spying on its citizens mean losing our basic freedoms?

Of course not.

It means gaining limits on those freedoms.

Something Uncle Sam likes to call freedom plus.

And there's so many more benefits.

In a fear-based economy, everybody's a spy.

Total surveillance means total employment.

Also, all additional benefits classified under the United States Patriot Act of 2001.

For further information about these benefits, report to federal detention centers, uh, happy clown candy centers.

Of course, not everybody can handle that much freedom.

For those who absolutely need their privacy, these convenient privacy boxes are just the ticket to get away from it all.

I'm Stephen Colbert.

I hope you've learned something tonight, but most of all, I hope you enjoy the police state.

John.

Thank you, Stephen.

You know, that wasn't dark enough.

We'll be right back.

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Today the benefits.

Coach, the energy out there felt different.

What changed for the team today?

It was the new game, Day Scratchers from the California Lottery.

Play is everything.

Those games sent the team's energy through the roof.

Are you saying it was the off-field play that made the difference on the field?

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And as our military gets ready for war with Iraq, the question remains, will our media be ready for war with Iraq?

We got a chance to find out when we sent our own Stephen Colbert to the front lines to find out.

I got my orders at dawn.

The military was conducting war exercises at Fort Dix to show the media what it would be like to cover a real war in Iraq.

My mission would take me deep into the heart of darkness, southern mid-New Jersey, a nightmare realm where all the rest stops have Roy Rogers.

At the base, we met Lieutenant Colonel Hudspat, tough old bastard, bastard, hard as nails.

If you, for any reason, feel like I'm just too cold, I wasn't prepared for this, please tell us because we want to get you back into a warm van.

I knew I was gonna hate this guy.

We were a ragtag group, kids mostly.

There was the fresh-faced 40-year-old from TV Guide, we called him Tiny,

South Korean correspondent Kim Park, aka Brooklyn.

There was Deuces,

Velvet Hat,

and uh

crab cakes.

Yeah.

Crab cakes.

We marched out to the DMZ duh media zone, knowing that some of us wouldn't be coming back until about 4:30.

At first, we didn't trust each other.

I don't trust you.

Then gradually, over time, with patience, we earned each other's trust.

Okay, I trust you now.

Crabcakes had been there since 10 a.m.

The ordeal had cut the humanity right out of him.

In all that time, how many people do you think you've shot?

Yeah.

Man.

After the first 10, you just...

you lose, King.

I'm just glad that crazy bastard was on our side.

The morning crawled on.

We were ready for action, and by action, of course, I mean the 1030 seminar on press conference protocol.

But evidently, the first casualty of a fake war is the itinerary.

Due to technical delays, we're not yet ready to present the ambush scenario.

So, noon brought a surprise, still more nothing.

The only thing that kept us sane was remembering those we loved the most.

My dearest, how I long to be alone with you, to run my fingers through your raven hair, to touch your milk-white skin.

It is O21500.

We've been here for,

I don't know, a long time.

It is so cold, I could snap my genitals off like a graham cracker.

Then suddenly, completely with warning, we were in the thick of it, and all our training went out the window.

Get a shot of this.

This is incredibly confusing.

Nobody knows who's with CBS, who's with UPI.

It's just chaos.

The kind of chaos that can unhinge a man's mind.

I love musicals.

And in the middle of the madness, the unthinkable happened.

I just wanted to get out of there, but then I remembered the number one rule for reporters covering a fake war.

Never leave any man behind.

I see Deuces.

Okay.

I see Crab Cake.

How about...

I don't see Brooklyn.

Brooklyn!

Brooklyn!

That's my ride.

Well, he's just one man.

We can leave him.

As I said goodbye to Deuces, Crab Cake, and this guy, let's call him Huggy.

I knew I wasn't the only person this day would haunt forever.

Do you think this experience might haunt you?

Not at all.

The horror.

The horror.

Where had I parked my Volvo?

Stephen Colbert, ladies and gentlemen.

Stephen, thank you so much for that report.

It seems like you had a very profound experience.

Yes, John, and it's far from over.

What do you mean?

I thought it was just a day.

So did I, John, but I just found out that while I was there, I fathered this beautiful Amerasian child.

Melee.

There she is.

Isn't she beautiful, John?

She is

quite beautiful.

How old is she, Stephen?

She's nine.

I don't want to question this, but you just shot the story last week, so that doesn't make any sense.

Does anything in war make sense, John?

Thank you very much, Stephen.

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