TDS Time Machine | The Go F*ck Yourself Choir

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Coach, the energy out there felt different.

What changed for the team today?

It was the new game day scratchers from the California Lottery.

Play is everything.

Those games sent the team's energy through the roof.

Are you saying it was the off-field play that made the difference on the field?

Hey, a little play makes your day, and today it made the game.

That's all for now.

Coach, one more question.

Play the new Los Angeles Chargers, San Francisco 49ers, and Los Angeles Rams Scratchers from the California Lottery.

A little play can make your day.

Please play responsibly.

Must be 18 years or older to purchase play or or claim.

Coach, the energy out there felt different.

What changed for the team today?

It was the new game day scratchers from the California Lottery.

Play is everything.

Those games sent the team's energy through the roof.

Are you saying it was the off-field play that made the difference on the field?

Hey, a little play makes your day, and today it made the game.

That's all for now.

Coach, one more question.

Play the new Los Angeles Chargers, San Francisco 49ers, and Los Angeles Rams Scratchers from the California Lottery.

A little play can make your day.

Please play responsibly must be 18 years or older to purchase play or claim.

You're listening to Comedy Central.

Yesterday,

I'm having my usual afternoon.

Down at the orphanage, I was making soup and darning clothes.

Fox News is on in the kids' day room, and

I see this.

Tonight, Stewart slams Fox again.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again.

Go f yourselves.

Now, Bernie Goldberg fires back at the funny man.

Don't miss an explosive O'Reilly tonight.

I was like, oh man, that funny man is screwed.

And then I was like, wait, that's me.

I don't want to be fired back at.

You see,

funny story.

Last week, I mentioned Fox was upset about the media generalizing who the Tea Parties are, and I agree with them.

And I may have, at that point, then shown some of the very same people at Fox giddily generalizing about liberals and the left.

And I might have, when presented with this rather bald hypocrisy,

I may have told them to go themselves.

And now they want to respond.

All right, what did Bernie Goldberg have to say about me?

So, does Stewart have a point here?

Are we being hypocritical by generalizing about some people?

I'll just speak about me.

He does.

I am pleading guilty, and that's a sincere plea of guilty.

You're welcome.

I win again.

But let me speak directly to Jon Stewart for just a few seconds.

And I know he watches.

He's a big fan of the show.

Guilty as charged.

I watch it every night with all my friends.

Continue, Mr.

Goldberg.

If you just want to be a funny man who talks to an audience that will laugh at anything you say, that's okay with me, no problem.

But if clearly you want to be a social commentator, more than just a comedian, and if you want to be a good one, you better find some guts.

Okay, two things.

One,

not all of us have your guts, Bernie.

It takes a tough man to walk into O'Reilly's lion's den and criticize liberal elites.

And two,

to say that comedians have to decide whether they're comedians or social commentators,

comedians do social commentary through comedy.

That's how it's worked for thousands of years.

I have not moved out of the comedian's box into the news box.

The news box is moving towards me.

But I assume

I'm just doing what idiots like me have done for thousands of years.

But I assume that you have evidence that I've betrayed my craft.

When you had Frank Rich on your show, who generalizes all the time about conservatives and Republicans being bigots, you didn't ask him a single tough question.

You gave him a lap dance.

You practically had your tongue down his throat.

Guilty as Charles.

Was that televised?

I don't want to say anything, but Frank Rich hasn't been on the show since 2006.

I mean since I gave Frank Rich that lap dance, I don't know if you noticed, but I went back in the champagne room with Bill Crystal like five times.

And if you watch this show, as it appears you have, you must remember me and McCain like bunnies.

But I guess that's besides the point.

Here's the point.

You can't criticize me for not being fair and balanced.

That's your slogan,

which, by the way, you never follow.

Which brings us back to the essence of the whole go f ⁇ yourselves piece.

Guess what?

You're not nearly as edgy as you think you are.

You're just a safe Jay Leno with a much smaller audience, but you get to say the F-bomb.

Okay, that's going to leave a mark.

Yeah, okay, that one stung.

I'm not going to lie on that one.

I took that one right in the testicles.

That was.

Look, again, two things.

Whoever said I was edgy?

I never said I was edgy.

I never thought I was edgy.

And number two, if you think I'm Leno with the F-bomb, you know less about comedy than you do about media and politics.

This is Leno with the F-bomb.

Look, I mean, can you believe this?

It's a typo.

Sickness, Judge?

What kind of answer makes that kind of mistake?

Goddamn second

stick.

You hear me with the f-bombs?

I can't stop myself.

Wow, he's so dirty.

No wonder Primetime couldn't handle him.

You're just a safe Jay Leno with a much smaller audience, but you get to say the F-bomb, which gives your incredibly unsophisticated audience the illusion.

You generalize the illusion that you're courageous and that you're a renegade, but it's only an illusion.

Wait, wait!

I'm not a courageous renegade,

but I've always considered myself the Lorenzo Lamas of late night.

And as far as my audience being unsophisticated.

Balderdash.

Wait, I'm sorry, who said that?

It is I, your biggest fan, Toppington von Monocle.

Unsophisticated?

How dare he?

If I may quote Catalis, Pedecabo ego vas et irimabo.

I'm sorry, Mr.

Von Monocle, I don't speak Latin.

It means I will sodomize you and face you.

Here we go.

By the way, I thought my audience was elitist.

Are they elitist or unsophisticated or unsophisticated in their elitism?

Look, I'm sorry I told you to go f ⁇ yourself last week.

And that other time, like six months ago, I told you to go f ⁇ yourself.

I know that I criticize you in Fox News a lot, but only because you're truly a terrible, cynical, disingenuous news organization.

Oh, wait, no, you know what?

That's, no.

That's the wrong approach.

That's the wrong approach.

That's not, I'm not going to do this.

I'm not gonna be confrontational I want to take a minute to talk directly to Bernie Goldberg

baby I don't want to fight baby

and I know you've been hurt before by them liberal elites they done you wrong Bernie

don't let that close your heart brother

I don't hate you I mean, you're not Dick Morris.

Yeah, what is wrong with that guy?

Yeah, seriously.

He started to look like that guy guy from Men in Black.

Which one?

You know it from the first one, the guy who came down and walked around in other people's skin.

What, Shaloup?

You talking about that?

No.

Oh,

the Vincent D'Anofrio guy.

That's the one.

Yeah, that's right.

Okay.

You see, I've learned people are complicated, Bernie, and hard to categorize.

I mean, I've got some conservative views.

He's a pro-military motherfucker.

Peace to the troops.

I've got some libertarian views.

Legalize it.

Gay marriage.

Uh-huh.

Pot.

Uh-huh.

Gay, pot, marriage.

Now you make.

And I know that I can be intolerant.

Lactose and otherwise, don't let this man eat eating blisses.

And I believe this country should provide some kind of social safety net for our most vulnerable citizens.

Communists.

And I also believe power should be passed down down to the firstborn son of the reigning king, monarchists.

And I believe in ghosts.

But I will tell you this, Bernie Goldberg.

Oh, Bernie Goldberg.

I will tell you this, Bernie Goldberg.

I'll tell you fine.

I'll tell you funny.

I'll tell you funny.

I'll tell you funny.

Oh, yeah, Bernie Goldberg.

You can criticize my interviews.

Yes, they can be.

Include here.

That's the editing.

Not funny.

I try to be funny.

Why don't you watch the movie?

I don't have time to watch all the guest movies.

My point is this.

Bernie Goldberg, I don't need to satisfy your version

of what fair satire is or should be.

I'm not fair.

I'm not balanced.

He's unstable.

That's not what I meant.

He's Coco Loco.

Thank you.

You're criticizing me for not living up to your tagline.

Oh, Lord.

And you dismiss any criticism as further evidence of how the rest of the media persecute you.

You like to pretend, Benny Goldberg and Fox News.

That the relentless conservative activism of Fox News is the equivalent,

all the equivalent, of the disorganized liberal influence you find on NBC, ABC, and CBS.

But Fox News,

you may be able to detect a liberal pathogen in their bloodstream,

however faint.

But Fox News is such a crazy overreaction to that perceived threat.

You're like an autoimmune disorder.

I'm not saying the virus doesn't exist in some small quantity,

but you're producing way too many antibodies.

Fox News,

you're the lupus of news.

So,

I guess,

I guess what I'm saying is this:

Go!

As long as fair and balanced is how you sell yourselves.

Guess what I'm saying is this?

You

say,

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By now, those of you with access to media have probably heard that our good friends and colleagues Matt and Trey

got in a little bit of trouble during the airing of their weekly animated series South Park and by trouble I mean veiled death threats.

It was a provocative episode where they addressed the Islamic prohibition on depicting the Prophet Muhammad.

Their solution of course as is the solution to many of life's problems, bear suit.

It's actually the same way I got out of jury duty.

By the way, it turns out it wasn't really Muhammad in the bear suit.

It was Santa Claus.

And I say that not to enrage the elf community.

But I guess when you're dealing with irrational anger, the facts of what the show was aren't really the issue.

Comedy Central decided to censor the episode.

It's their right.

We all serve at their pleasure.

I have more than once been called out of my home on a Sunday to dance for the head of programming at

his winter chalet.

Can I put my clothes on now?

I'm not finished.

The censorship was a decision Comedy Central made, I think, as a way to protect their employees from what they believe was any possible harmful repercussions to them.

Although after forcing many of these same employees to work on Mind of Mencia and Krogmundoon,

damage done.

But again, they signed the checks.

But I think for me, the most striking thing is I ponder the difficult circumstance our great and hilarious and intelligent and sweet comedy brethren Matt and Trey now find themselves in purely for expressing themselves is this.

The threats that they received come from Revolution Muslim, a group located in New York City.

Yeah.

This group

residing in the shadows, or should I say, former shadows of the World Trade Center, are allowed to praise Osama bin Laden, celebrate the anniversary of 9-11, and try and intimidate the creators of South Park,

all while enjoying our lovely theater district,

our many diverse restaurants, including some of really the best Jewish deli you'll find.

And our new High Line Park.

It's a park made out of an old elevated train line.

It's a really super thin park in the sky.

Let's play Frisbee.

Little help.

And these numb nuts get to enjoy it.

All because of how much we in this country value and protect even their freedom of expression.

But as I witness...

As I witness the reaction to this episode, it makes me realize that I myself actually owe a lot of religious people an apology.

Not for making jokes at their expense, but for not appreciating and thanking you for how well you've handled it.

Because I mean we've been ass

to the Jews.

Shalom, ladies.

Took two miles to do that.

Oh, is this good matzo ball soup?

That's my cousin, Rabbi Wallenstein.

He's fish-luggin as schmucks in Congress.

I don't want to do this, or maybe I have to atone for that later.

And I quote.

For Passover, the lamb shank, friend or foe?

Baruch a tower.

Oigaboya.

Oigaboyga.

You people are fuckakta.

Completely mashugana.

Yay!

You call that a Holocaust cartoon?

I'll show you a Holocaust cartoon, and it involves my sister.

That, we put that together.

That's very kind of you.

That's all we could throw together in two hours.

We've actually made mention, I believe, also of Christians.

If you've ever talked about gay sex with a Methodist, you know there's only one thing they demand, graphic detail.

Catholicism, the religion that makes high school girls either no fun at all or pretty wild.

Old David Brinkley's, the David Brinkley Lutherans are doomed sissies report.

Strange turn of events, Jesus.

What the rapture might be like.

Hey.

Oh, hey, Ed.

You want some of poetry?

Other faiths are more cavalier about foot hygiene.

For instance, I'm a Lutheran.

That's a Mormon.

The Jehovah's Witnesses.

Your best chance to talk with old Jamaican women.

My God, the Pope's plane is invisible.

No,

the Pope is Wonder Woman.

Check it out.

And

to the other religions,

which I guess you would call them offbeat or miscellaneous.

The sacred Ganges where the Hindus take the ashes of their loved ones does sound a lot like something you get from a whore.

Voodoo, the only religion where you can become a doctor without going to grad school.

Atheism.

The religion devoted to the worship of one's own smug sense of superiority.

Wiccan Yule, it's like Christmas for people who hate their parents.

Rastafarianism.

Scientology.

Buddhism.

The official religion of chubby chasers.

If there is little respect.

Little friendship?

I am ready to talk with the Chinese on this proposal anywhere, anytime!

The dirty Amish pillow talk.

It must be like, oh, oh, Jabba Di, oh, yee.

Shalakalaka!

Or Shalaka!

What are they?

What are they?

The Cathars?

Thor, the Norse Thunder God.

I am an American Muslim.

Okay, I know it's called a pigskin, okay, but it's not against your religion to catch it.

We tried to get people on board with Kwanzaa, but it was just too retarded.

Boom!

That's everybody!

Boom!

By the way, I just want to point this out.

Typically, the angriest letters we get tend to come from the Amish.

Surprising!

But their letters, the calligraphy?

For more now on the South Park controversy, we are joined joined by our senior Islamic correspondent, Asif Manvi.

Asif,

what do you make of the South Park controversy, censorship, etc.?

I mean, what am I, John?

Every Muslim in the world?

I mean, I represent all Muslims.

Come on.

Well, in this building, actually.

I mean, for you, would a depiction of Muhammad in some form upset you?

John, look, I'm a pretty liberal Muslim, meaning during Ramadan, every now and then I'll sneak a Diet Coke before sundown.

But yes,

it would make me uncomfortable and I can understand people being upset about it.

Even though it's a cartoon.

Yes.

But here's what's more upsetting.

Someone in the name of a faith that I believe in threatening another person for doing it.

Wow, that's what, why is that?

Why do you think that's...

Well, A, it's just so 12th century.

And

B, I don't like having to walk around wearing this suit.

Wow.

You had to have a special suit made?

No, it's a Tommy Hill figure, but I

had to buy it.

Thank you very much.

Asif Manby, everybody.

Asif Manby.

So

in conclusion,

I think there's only one thing left to say to Revolution Muslim.

And I hesitate to use this phrase because it's a phrase I've used before in reference to other people.

Fox News, Bernie Goldberg, Kramer, the crew at Chick-fil-A on 8th Avenue.

They can't seem to get a salad right.

And I don't want to lump these people in.

With revolution Muslim and extremists like that because even in our angriest and most contentious moments,

people over there at Fox and those things, they're basically decent human beings I disagree with.

They are at worst worthy adversaries, opponents, rivals, disputants, aspersioners,

nemesis.

But we're not enemies.

Revolution Muslim, your type of hatred and intolerance.

That's the enemy.

And so.

I say to you,

and I know you get cable,

and I say this to anyone who's threatening death in the name of religion and politics.

Everybody, go f yourself now,

go f yourself down,

Samil!

Samuel!

Go fing salt now!

Go fing salt now!

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As we've been hearing, President Obama's healthcare care plan rollout is now being called the worst product launch since crystal meth Pepsi.

And it's made the president some fierce adversaries, one in particular.

If you've lost Jon Stewart, you're in deep trouble.

If you lost Jon Stewart, you got problems.

Even Jon Stewart this week taking shots at Obamacare.

What impact does that have on the whole public dialogue?

What impact does

me have on the public dialogue?

Well, it introduces to the health care debate the term

punt,

which

I don't think had been used prior.

And is now, according to the Affordable Care Act, covered.

But I guess it is very significant that even Jon Stewart, even Jon Stewart has turned against this.

I can't recall even Jon Stewart ever doing that before.

The Daily Show host Jon Stewart joked that the White House staffers haven't been reading their emails.

If he's lost Jon Stewart,

I'm just saying.

I mean, even Jon Stewart's been hammering at this.

Even Jon Stewart was turning on the president saying, oh, he learns everything from the news.

Even Jon Stewart poked fun at President Obama for the poor debate performance.

Even the comics lampoon the president's various statements about a public plan.

I was wondering what's going to happen to the Daily Show and Barack Obama, when they got what they wanted, and that is a Democratic House, a Democratic Senate, a Democratic president.

And I got to even credit, they're going after it.

Who is that young whippersnapper mocking the president?

Look, making fun of something, that's nothing new for us.

So don't act like us making jokes about a certain program or president is evidence that that politician or issue has reached some kind of tipping point for action.

Although that apparently is exactly the case that they are making.

Should Secretary Sebelius step down or be fired?

I have called for her resignation.

I think when Jon Stewart and Saturday Night Live are making fun of the job that you are doing and the website, you know, what that speaks to is the fact that young Americans are laughing at the Secretary and the website.

If that causes things to end, why was the network you were on still on the air?

The senator from Wyoming believes that when young Americans laugh at a federal official, it is time for that official to step down.

You didn't happen to ever mention that to this guy, did you?

How did he survive our vicious poking au fun?

And I seem to remember there was another fellow with that president.

Dick Cheney shot a guy in the face, gate.

Two glorious days of Cheney shot an old man in the face jokes.

Did he leave?

No.

We did a running segment called You Don't Know Dick.

Did he leave?

What did it accomplish?

Dick.

It's an arms race.

Still on television.

Arby's.

Arby's.

Still making sandwiches

filled with sliced

something.

That's right.

What?

What was...

What was that?

That's right!

What?

That's right.

Where's that beautiful sound coming from?

That's right.

It can't be.

It can't be possible.

Are our friends back?

Oh my God.

People.

People, I am here to say

that the jokes we do on this program seem to accomplish very little.

They don't do

provide perhaps a little catharsis or a perspective that's a little bit

right, but most of the stuff we complain about never changes.

I don't know about weak, you know, that's early onset, osteoporosis.

I have osteoporosis.

I have fine bone density.

The point is this.

Don't you use our jokes as evidence that the thing you hate must be stopped?

Because I'm sure when we joke about you like, you're more than happy to ignore.

Might go stop that time.

We add insult, not injury.

If anything,

you're just weak.

Delling the populace anger that could really change the system.

Somebody's been reading salon.com.

Hey, John, there's one other thing.

What's that?

The thing we always say.

Oh, I forgot about it.

One, two, one, two, three.

Go.

I guess in Trump's mind, he doesn't have to keep his promises to MAGA as long as he continues to attack the people that MAGA hates.

That's his get-out-of-jail free card.

Trump believes he has immunity as long as he remains a petty tyrant, tyrant, demanding only liberal institutions surrender to his whims.

And what's crazy is liberal institutions have.

Columbia University is bowing to President Trump's demands.

ABC News settling a defamation suit with President Trump, paying out $15 million.

Trump collected a big check of $25 million from Meta.

A powerful law firm is caving to growing pressure from the Trump administration.

The president pressuring two more law firms and they have relented.

Wilkie, Farr, and Gallagher became the latest major law firm to enter into one of these settlements with the White House.

Really?

Wilkie, Farr, and Gallagher.

We know Gallagher wouldn't put up a fight.

And Farr was always a coward.

But this episode has long last brought shame to the proud name of Wilkie.

Oh, Wilkie.

Not since John Wilkie Booth

assassinated Abraham Linkey.

Too soon?

But since we're on the topic of corporate capitulation to the whims of a pussy-grabbing Enigma,

last week, as you may have heard, CBS, which happens to have the same parent company as the network this program currently airs on, unceremoniously canceled the late show with Stephen Colbert.

And yes,

in this case, I'll allow it.

Now,

obviously,

I am certainly not the most objective to comment on this matter.

Many of you may or may not know Stephen and I worked together on this very program.

Together from 1999 through 2005.

Haven't changed a bit.

And then Stephen began our sister program, the Colbert Rapport, also on Comedy Central.

A show which in my mind, if I may,

a show which in my mind remains to this day one of the most astounding accomplishments in satirical television, rendering a fictional character in real time four nights a week for 10 years, so seamlessly, many viewers believed him to be the borish, high-status idiot he was portraying.

They were heady times, my friends.

We were two pretty good-sized fish in a reasonably small basic cable pond.

Both of our shows reached an inflection point in 2015.

Stephen chose to challenge himself by seeing if he could succeed the legendary David Letterman in, quite frankly, a much bigger pond than the one he and I had been swimming in.

And I quit.

I quit.

I quit.

Stephen challenged himself.

I passed away.

Stephen challenged his abilities in the biggest field you could, and I literally went to a farm upstate.

It's true.

He did it.

I did it.

And if I may, watching Stephen exceed all expectations in the role and become the number one late night show on network television has been an undeniable great pleasure for me as a viewer and as his friend.

And now,

and now,

Steven has been canceled for purely financial reasons.

And by the way, not just Steven's show.

CBS has canceled the entirety of the late show franchise.

Gone!

Now I acknowledge,

losing money.

Late night TV is a struggling financial model.

We are all basically operating a blockbuster kiosk inside of a tower records.

But when your industry is faced with changes, you don't just call it a day.

My God!

When CNEs stopped selling, they didn't just go, oh well, music, it's been a good run.

The fact that CBS didn't try to save their number one rated network late-night franchise that's been on the air for over three decades is part of what's making everybody wonder, was this purely financial?

Or maybe the path of least resistance for your $8 billion merger?

Was a show

that you know rankled a fragile and vengeful president, so insecure, suffering terribly from a case of chronic penis insufficiency.

It's a terrible disease.

It's a terrible disease.

Truly,

it's a vicious disease.

I believe CBS lost the benefit of the doubt two weeks prior when they sold out their flagship news program to pay an extortion fee to said president.

At that time, poor Andy Rooney must have been rolling over in his bed.

That's right.

He's alive.

Andy Rooney is alive.

I probably buried the lead on this entire bit.

Andy Rooney is alive.

And he's just turning over in bed.

You know what he's probably doing?

Biding his time.

For when the network calls him and says, is anything else bothering you, Andy?

Yeah, the thing is.

Ask your parents.

He was on 60 minutes.

Look, I understand the corporate fear.

I understand the fear that you and your advertisers have with $8 billion at stake.

But understand this, truly.

The shows that you now seek to cancel, censor, and control, a not insignificant portion of that $8 billion value came from those fucking shows.

That's what made you that money.

Shows that say something, shows that take a stand, shows that are unafraid, and not to, believe me, this is not a, we speak truth to power, we don't, we speak opinions to television cameras, but we try, we fucking try every night.

And if you believe as corporations or as networks, you can make yourselves so innocuous that you can serve a gruel so flavorless that you will never again be on the boy king's radar, A, why will anyone watch you and you are

wrong you want to know how impossible is it true

do you want to know

do you want to know how impossible it is to stay on lord farquad's good side

president trump says he will sue the wall street journal and its owner rupert murdoch who also owns fox news donald trump is suing rupert Murdoch, the owner of Fox News, the man other than Biden may be most responsible for getting Trump elected.

Fox,

yeah, yeah, I fucking snuck that in there.

Yeah!

Fox spends 24 hours a day blowing Trump, and it's not enough.

Imagine suing someone mid-blow.

How could you?

Finish up, finish up down there, and I'll see you in court.

So, here's the point:

if you're trying to figure out why Stevens' show is ending, I don't think the answer can be found in some smoking gun email or phone call from Trump to CBS executives or in CBS's QuickBook spreadsheets on the financial health of late night.

I think the answer is in the fear and pre-compliance that is gripping all of America's institutions at this very moment.

Institutions that have chosen not to fight the vengeful and vindictive actions of our pubic hair doodling commander-in-chief.

This is not the moment to give in.

I'm not giving in.

I'm not going anywhere.

I think.

So, to those institutions, to those corporations and advertisers and universities and law firms, all of them, if you still think that bending the knee to Trump will save you, I have one thing to say.

I know you're scared.

I know you're weary.

I know your plans

don't include me.

But these are troubled times.

So sack the fuck

up

because

this ain't

this ain't this ain't the time to shrink.

Not the time.

This is the time to fight.

Time to fight.

This is the time to rise up.

Not too fast, you're old.

I am old, that is a true point.

Obviously, the blood pressure, etc.

But compliance and complacency is not the answer.

We reject the mindless, machine-generated slop that offends nobody, and we affirm our shared humanity.

We must continue to have humans make things that inspire and provoke other humans.

Chad GT wrote that.

But if

you're afraid and you protect your bottom line,

I've got but one thing to say:

just one little phrase.

Go fuck yourself.

Wait, wait, wait, bring it it down, bring it down.

Let's bring it down.

Let it be quiet.

Fuck, fuck, fuck yourself.

Just go fuck yourself.

Everybody.

Fuck, fuck yourself.

Just go fuck yourself.

Fuck yourself.

Just go fuck yourself.

Fuck yourself.

Just go fuck yourself.

Just go fuck yourself.

I'll fuck

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Coach, the energy out there felt different.

What changed for the team today?

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Those games sent the team's energy through the roof.

Are you saying it was the off-field play that made the difference on the field?

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That's all for now.

Coach, one more question.

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A little play can make your day.

Please play responsibly.

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