TDS Time Machine | Space!

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You're listening to Comedy Central.

Some big news from NASA.

Those two astronauts who launched on a Boeing Starliner spaceship for a 10-day mission back in June, well, there's word now they may not be coming home until next February.

February 2025.

February 2025, they're going to miss the insurrection.

They were supposed to be gone for a week, and now it's going to be eight months.

And this is not just an eight-month trip.

This is an eight-month work trip.

Take a good look around at your coworkers and imagine spending eight months with them.

Makes you want to kill yourself live on air, doesn't it?

And by the way, they're not going to be back in eight months either.

Things always end up taking longer than they say.

There's a formula I use when someone else tells me how long it's going to take to fix something.

What I do is I take that amount of time and I add forever to it.

Don't we fake all our space shit anyways?

why is this a problem?

Just open the door of the sound stage in Burbank and let these people go home.

But apparently it's more complicated than that.

NASA and Boeing engineers remain divided over whether it's safe to bring Wilmore and Williams back on Starliner.

They're concerned, helium leaks and engine thruster problems could pose serious risks.

Boeing believes Starliner would bring the astronauts home safely.

I'm very confident we have a good vehicle to bring the crew back with.

Yeah, well, if Boeing says it's safe, I think we can just trust them on this one, right?

Yeah.

I mean, their days without an incident sign is almost up to double digits.

They got that.

What's that?

I'm being told that the days without incident sign fell and killed someone.

Oh.

Why are we even still going to space?

There's no gravity up there.

We can't breathe.

I think it's sending us a message.

We already have a planet,

Earth, right here.

And it's going to be here for at least another 20 years, 15, if you use a plastic straw.

But for whatever reason, we're up there.

And so to those poor astronauts who are stuck up in space, I personally, I give them permission to have an affair.

You know?

Zero gravity, baby.

It's the perfect excuse.

Who hasn't gotten stuck in space and floated inside a co-worker?

It happens to the best of us.

Look, look, I could come up with more reasons, but let's be honest.

Elon knows why people are mad at him.

We know he's not as smart as he pretends to be, but he's also not as dumb as he's pretending to be right now.

And when he goes on Sean Hannity to complain about why people hate him, he's just proving that the troll king of the internet can't handle the consequences of the real world.

But you know what?

You know what, Elon?

You know what?

No.

Here, Elon, Elon, if you genuinely want people to not hate you, you could focus on the things you are good at.

I mean, you did get those astronauts back.

It was a beautiful moment.

The astronaut pair who faced a prolonged stay in space, nine months versus a planned one week, are back on Earth tonight.

It was a team effort between the Trump administration, Elon Musk, and SpaceX.

And how about this welcoming committee?

Like we just mentioned, a pod of dolphins seen swimming around as the astronauts waited to be escorted out of the SpaceX Dragon capsule.

You know what?

I think that's great.

Look, I have to not be a hater for a second, okay?

Elon brought them back safely from space after being stranded there for months and dolphins even showed up to say hi.

That is incredible.

I mean, I wish the dolphins hadn't welcomed them back with a sigh hile, but still, still.

It's a beautiful moment for humanity.

Now, It was a joyous moment, but those astronauts were gone a long, long time.

Thankfully, the good folks at NASA prepared a video to help them acclimate to the world they're coming back to.

Hello, astronauts, and welcome back to Earth.

You got to see dolphins before they went extinct.

How cool is that?

As you are flown back to the U.S., this video will re-acclimate your mind on what you missed while you were in space.

First, the Gulf of Mexico you landed in is now the Gulf of America.

But don't worry, the name change is symbolic.

We're not going to war with Mexico.

We're going to war with Canada and Greenland, maybe Panama.

Also, Mexico.

Oh, speaking of wars, when you left, it was Russia that invaded Ukraine.

Now it's the other way around.

Don't worry about it.

For now, just focus on resting.

And after you enter U.S.

territory, your space capsule will face crippling steel tariffs and you will be deported to an El Salvadoran prison.

Just until we're sure that you're not Venezuelan gang members.

And after your release in 2026, you will be honored at the White House,

which is now run by Fox News Anchors.

Also, the anti-vaccine guy is now in charge of vaccines, the anti-FBI guy is now in charge of the FBI, and the lady in charge of the WWE runs the education department, which is gone.

These great leaders will welcome you all back, except for astronaut Sonny Williams.

See, when you left, you were a female astronaut, and now you're a DEI astronaut, and also you're fired.

But don't worry, you'll find another job.

Although, just a heads up, the stock market is down and eggs are $400.

But those are both good things, and also Joe Biden's fault.

At this point, you're probably wondering, when can NASA send me back up to space?

Well, it probably can't.

NASA just got doged, which is a real sentence now.

So, from all of us here in America, welcome to hell.

Earth, welcome back to Earth.

Space Force, the latest branch of the armed forces that after 30 years of planning finally sprung into existence thanks to the support of our last military genius.

We are going to have the Space Force.

But after Iraqi launch, most Americans still don't know what Space Force actually does until now.

I'm here at the Pentagon to find out what Space Force, the sixth and coolest branch of the U.S.

military, does.

I'm talking spaceships, lasers.

It's the military in space.

Let's go check it out.

Don't ask me how I got clearance.

I'm not even an American citizen.

Somehow, I scored an interview with the very first head of Space Force, four-star General Jay Raymond, at the geometry theme headquarters of the U.S.

Department of Defense.

Obviously, our space military is cool as hell, but I wasn't sure what they actually do.

So I made sure to prepare for this exclusive one-on-one interview.

General Raymond, thank you so much for

tuning in on this.

Why is it called the Pentagon?

Have you ever seen the Pentagon shape?

Wait, you're saying Pentagon is a shape?

Right.

Like what?

Pentagon.

Take a look at the building.

You obviously studied hard in school.

Okay, General, Space Force, we're talking lasers, spaceships, rockets, fighting aliens.

Absolutely not.

The mission of the Space Force is really to protect and defend the capabilities that we have in space and to deter conflict from beginning in space or extending into space.

What does Space Force do?

Let me give you an example.

We operate for the world free of charge, the GPS constellation that provides you navigation and provides the world a timing signal for everybody to use.

Most people don't know that that's provided free of charge by the United States Space Force.

Space Force gives GPS for free to the world.

Yes, sir.

Well why don't you open with that?

Call yourselves the GPS Force.

Because we do a lot more than that.

Yeah but you go with the thing that people know you.

We do a lot more than that.

Communication satellites.

We have missile warning satellites that detect any kind of launch around the globe and provide warning of that.

And so it's very critical to us and our competitors or our adversaries have watched us and have seen us integrate space into everything that we do.

Who are our adversaries?

Specifically Russia and China.

They're building space capabilities for their own use.

So for example, they have a satellite that they launched in 2017.

I call it a nesting doll satellite.

It's a satellite that opens up and another satellite comes out and it opens up and a projectile comes out.

Oh my God.

Designed to kill a satellite.

Do all these nations' satellites adopt their countries' cultures?

Like does the Chinese satellite come out and chopsticks come out and like pick on the other satellites?

China has a satellite that has a robotic arm.

With chopsticks on it.

A robotic arm that can reach out and in the future grab another satellite and satellites don't like to be grabbed.

What is the plan to stop that?

I won't go into all the details of what we can do, but let's just say I'm very comfortable that we can protect and defend our satellites.

That's ominous as hell.

But I still wasn't sure why America's already bloated military needed a whole new military when we already have five other militaries.

General, why did Space Force become its own branch of the military?

The Air Force has a lot of responsibilities that it does.

It's primarily focused on the air domain, and the thought was because space was so critical to us,

we had to stand up a separate service to be able to focus on it.

So atmosphere-wise, where does the Air Force end and Space Force begin?

There's really not a firm, you know, dedicated recognizing.

Clouds.

But what happens?

Above clouds, Space Force.

Below clouds, Air Force.

You can think of it above where airplanes work, wings work, and where orbital dynamics takes over, roughly about 100 kilometers.

So above 100 kilometers, that's where the Space Force people are.

No, in fact, our force is on the ground.

So they come in every day and sit behind a computer?

Largely, a lot of their work is done behind computers,

in terminals, operating capabilities, or on in optical telescopes looking out in space.

So Space Force is less starship troopers and more office space.

But are these keyboard warriors even ready to protect us from the real threat facing mankind?

Have you considered maybe

looking a little outwards and looking at the threats that are external that might be coming to Earth?

For example,

aliens that might be coming?

So, again, our mission is a little bit closer to home.

NASA's mission is more exploratory and more science.

And so, they have gone out and.

I get it.

General Space Force GPS, NASA, nerd shit.

But we need some dudes who look as scary as you with guns pointing outwards in case aliens come.

I'm not naive or

closed-minded to think that there might be something that would be out there, but we're not focused on aliens.

All right, well, it just seems like it's a big hole in the national defense

plan, and if no one's gonna plug that hole, I just feel like maybe Space Force should step up and, you know, maybe provide some orbital defense against aliens.

Thanks for your advice.

Okay, well, General, thank you for taking the time to speak to me.

Even though Space Force has nothing to do with lasers or aliens or spaceships, and I wish it was cooler, I do appreciate the need for a GPS system that works.

Thank you for the opportunity.

I couldn't be more proud.

The Guardians that I appreciate the opportunity to tell their story because most Americans don't understand what they do.

I agree.

So even though I'm still not sure what it does, Space Force represents what the American government does best.

Find new ways to give billions of dollars to the military-industrial complex.

But hey, if they're going to offer free GPS, then I say live long and prosper, Space Force.

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Next Monday, a solar eclipse will totally block out the sun over parts of America.

And we're all looking forward to having one brief moment when you can look up into the sky and see something besides the door of a Boeing airplane plummeting towards the ground.

It's not just a moment for humans.

An eclipse offers a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for Rudy Giuliani to come out and feed during the day.

Yeah, it's good for him.

It's good for him.

Now, in the old days, a total eclipse would be a time when people would gather together as a community and burn the witches responsible for it.

But these days, we commemorate it in the modern, enlightened way by trying to make that money.

This eclipse is causing a travel boom for small towns in its path.

Hotels are up about 550% in cities like Jackson, Missouri, where it'll cost on average more than $600 a night.

In Erie, Pennsylvania, it's almost 800.

Companies are rushing to cash in some of the strangest sun-inspired foods, including chips you can only get during the eclipse.

Krispy Kreme is even teaming up with Oreos for a donut featuring cookie pieces.

To catch the eclipse from the sky, Delta offering a flight from Austin to Detroit to give onlookers an out-of-this-world view.

Wow.

Talk about a flight where you do not want to be in the middle seat.

Imagine you end up sitting next to that guy who insists on keeping his window shade down.

Although, how cool to celebrate the once-in-a-lifetime event of a Delta flight taking off on time?

I love how every civilization honors the heavens in their own way.

The ancient Incas built Machu Picchu.

America put an Oreo on a donut.

Really milking this event for everything it's worth.

But look, we can't deny that the eclipse truly is a rare, magical moment.

I mean, for those lucky enough to be in its path, you'll never forget that you saw that.

And nothing, nothing can take that away from you.

Weather and clouds might get in the way of perfect eclipse viewing in many parts of the country.

For more on how towns across America are celebrating the eclipse, we have our news team live in the path of totality, Ronnie Chang in Kerrville, Texas.

What's the mood like where you are?

Oh, it's amazing, Desi.

I thought this small town town would be full of dumb rubes, but it's actually full of the friendliest and most welcoming rubes I've ever met.

So nice to see America stop fighting for one day and watch the sun put on a show.

Same here, Desi.

Knowing how small we are in the vastness of space has brought everyone together in love and friendship to wear repurposed Avatar 3D glasses.

So I agree with everything Ronnie said, except for the part about the sun.

Everyone knows the moon is the real star here.

I'm sorry, Jordan.

Well, the moon is supporting, but the sun is the real star here.

I mean, it's literally a star.

I'm sorry they didn't teach you that in American kindergarten.

Obviously, I meant star metaphorically.

They must not teach metaphors wherever you went to community college.

The sun is not why people are putting aside their differences and coming together, dipshit.

They're watching the moon cross over the sun.

Unlike you, most people don't stare at the sun all day.

Okay, guys, guys, let's not fall apart over this.

The sun and the moon are equally important here.

Oh, oh, sure, yeah, equally important.

Because if the sun disappears, I mean, all that happens is we all freeze to death, and God forbid the moon goes away, and then we'll be what?

Hotter the Surth?

And Jordan won't get his period anymore?

Okay.

You put some respect on the moon, all right?

It's our cultural touchstone.

Good night, Moon.

Moonlight Sonata.

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's a more.

Tell me this.

Tell me this.

Have you ever?

Have you ever gotten a moon burn?

No.

Worst thing that happens under the moonlight is that you fall in love or turn into a werewolf.

Either way, it's f ⁇ ing awesome.

Sorry, did you say moonlight?

You mean the light that reflects from the sun?

Yo, the moon is nothing.

it's a rock good thing it has a weak gravitational pull so people can leave it easier oh

i thought you'd like the weak gravity because it's the one place in the universe where you could actually dunk a basketball smart ass okay guys guys guys stop this i i thought this eclipse would bring us together shut up designing yeah shut up desi

you probably like mars or some stupid shit yeah f Mars all right look the moon doesn't have shit on the Sun okay you wouldn't even know the moon exists if it wasn't for the Sun so don't act like the the sun isn't the most important part of the eclipse.

All right,

wait, wait,

wait, what are you doing?

I'm eclipsing you, I'm eclipsing, I'm passing in front.

What's the more powerful body can do?

Get out of my promise.

The United Nations.

Since its inception, the UN's mission has been to maintain peace on Earth.

But unless quick resolution can be found to a brewing land dispute, they may soon find themselves struggling to maintain peace beyond Earth.

Exploiting a loophole in a UN treaty, businessman Dennis Hope has made a simple claim of ownership.

The declaration of ownership that I filed was for the moon and the other eight planets and their moons.

So I guess this solar system.

What are you selling?

The Lunar Embassy sells property on planets and moons in this solar system.

You don't just sell property on the planets, you also sell fine motor oils.

Correct.

How much is your total property worth?

$763 trillion.

And you also provide licorice.

Yes, it's red vine and it's free.

But fellow entrepreneur Craig Attig thinks Dennis is misinterpreting the law.

The UN has stated that nobody can claim to own the Moon, Mars, any of the planets.

According to Craig, the only legal way to get Martian land is from a Martian government.

We are simply lying in wait for that Martian independence day, so to speak.

And for a small fee, Craig's Martian consulate will register a land claim on your behalf.

It seems fairly simple.

All someone has to do is register their claim with you, wait for colonization of the planet, wait for industry, agriculture, and the population to grow large enough that Mars is an independent colony.

Yes, and then wait for a group of disgruntled patriot Martian farmers to rise up and throw off the shackles of Earth-bound imperialism.

I think there's little doubt that it'll happen.

It's a long wait, but I think for certain it will happen.

Is this for our children?

It's not going to pay off in this generation.

For our grandchildren?

It won't pay off the next generation.

Our great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great,

great,

great,

great, great, great, great grandchildren.

That's right.

While these two may profit by offering the same land, it's the Martians of tomorrow who will pay the price.

The day may come in the future when I, as a colonist, may be out in my trifibian atomic car in in Sidonia, visiting the face one day to come back to my terrasphere, only to find that my pods and capsules have been thrown into the canal by the lunar embassy who've evicted me.

You'd have to take that up with the legitimate

Martian government.

But what about my pods and capsules?

They're not my problem as far as you're concerned.

Well, we're kind of out of the picture once Martian Independence Day comes to be.

If the present conflict continues, in the future, a peaceful Mars may have been a thing of the past.

A new study found that exposure to cosmic radiation could cause astronauts to suffer erectile dysfunction even after they returned to Earth.

Which finally explains why Neil Armstrong's second sentence on the moon was, I swear this never happens.

And they say, they say what causes this is cosmic rays, but what if it's just the awe-inspiring experience of being in space?

You know,

after that, you're having sex with someone, and you're like, yeah, I've seen the cosmos fall away before me like a glittering sea of infinity.

So sorry if your vagina just doesn't do it for me anymore.

Or,

to be inclusive, I've seen the cosmos fall away before me like a glittering sea of infinity.

So sorry if your butthole doesn't do it for me anymore.

We care.

We care.

Here at the Daily Show, we care.

For more in the space race, we go live to NASA headquarters with our very own Michael Costa.

Now, Michael, this is some shocking news.

It's devastating, Michelle.

It's why I've made the difficult decision to not be an astronaut.

It's too bad because I was just a couple of YouTube videos away from learning math.

But Michael, space travel is one of humanity's greatest technological accomplishments after the Japanese toilet, of course.

Of course.

It's a hot seat.

What are we talking about?

Isn't planting the flag on the moon worth a little bit of a limp dick?

Unfortunately, no.

The fact is, space dick is a life or death issue for our planet.

See, if science fiction has taught us anything, it's that most of the time you spend in space, you're having sex with hot aliens.

That's how we prove to them that humanity is worth saving.

But what if an alien queen takes me to the bedroom and I can't perform?

Earth gets vaporized just because I couldn't blast off into her Milky Way?

We can't take that risk.

Michael,

I don't think that's how real space works.

Well, which one of us was almost an astronaut, Michelle?

Neither one of us.

So what are you saying?

We can't go to space anymore because you want to protect your boner?

Of course, I'm not saying that.

It's humanity's destiny to explore the galaxy and harvest its resources so we can keep building iPhones.

No, Michelle, now is the time for us to come together as a planet and devote all of our collective scientific knowledge to keeping our astronauts rock hard, okay?

Whatever it takes, space Viagra.

Paint a nipple on the moon so it looks like a boob.

And if nothing else works, let's try sending teenage boys up there.

Space conditions won't stop those boners any more than my grandmother's funeral did.

Thanks, Michael.

Michael Costa, everybody.

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Why are there ridges on Reese's peanut butter cups?

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California company, the Gateway Foundation, released plans for the Von Braun station.

The amenities will include restaurants, movie screenings, low-gravity basketball, and rock climbing facilities.

The company hopes to get it off the ground in 2025.

Wait, did they say there's going to be a movie theater?

So you're going to go all the way to space and then watch a movie?

I mean, I guess it sort of makes sense because when you think about it, space is probably exciting for about like 15 minutes.

And then at that point, it's like, how many times can you say wow?

Yeah, it's just like, wow, the Earth.

Wow, the moon.

You guys want to go watch the Lion King?

I also feel really bad for the staff on that hotel because you realize they have to do the same training as astronauts to go work up there, but then you go up and you just clean a hotel.

Yeah, their boss will be like, congrats on that master's in physics.

Now clean the semen out of these bed sheets.

All right.

Welcome back to the show.

My guest tonight.

Says he's an astrophysicist and the director of the Hayden Planetarium at the Museum of Natural History here in New York.

He says this is his book, Space Chronicles, Facing the Ultimate Frontier, now out in paperback.

I tend to believe him.

Please welcome back to the show, Neil deGros Tyson.

They love science.

They love the science.

You've got to love the science.

Science.

So, anything you want to say to me?

Anything maybe in the form of an apology?

No,

I noticed your new open.

What did you think of it?

What did you think of it in terms of

its accuracy, in terms of its efficacy?

It was cheap, it's all get out.

All right.

But Earth was spinning the correct direction, except a little too fast.

Any people on it would have just flung off.

But other than that, the globe was fine.

We're cool.

We're cool

What does it take to satisfy you?

I get it in the right direction and then the speed is off

Damn you and your chronicles of space All you had to do was reverse the video.

Why?

What's so hard about that?

I'm just saying.

I need to make a phone call.

But wouldn't all the words then be reversed?

Wouldn't it go like, would you major?

Wouldn't you?

Well.

Because they're all attached.

We can't separate.

We tried to separate it out.

You can't do it.

No, you can't.

It's all attached.

You, a man of science, not wizardry.

Science.

No, no.

Here's something interesting.

Let me ask you a question.

Sure.

Why are these asteroids trying to kill us?

The universe has always been trying to kill us.

Well, why are they getting closer?

Yeah, we're starting to notice more, first of all.

Second, we're living in more parts of Earth's surface, so when the stuff happens, it gets noticed.

That's interesting.

Yeah.

So the more we expand our population, these meteors have been hitting us for years, but sometimes in unpopulated areas.

Most of which the surface of the Earth is.

You know, when you say it like that, it makes me sound silly.

No, think of

the area of the Pacific.

Nobody lives there.

Pacific Ocean and Canada, well northern Canada,

northern Canada, northern Canada, most of Siberia.

Do you have any idea what you've unleashed?

The pain you have brought upon us all.

Send your letters to Brian Williams,

NBC.

No, here's something interesting.

Many of those would have gone unnoticed even in unpopulated areas, except in the last 10 or 15 years, there are sensors placed around the world to monitor nuclear blasts.

And a nuclear blast has the same sonic signature in the atmosphere as a meteor strike.

And so now we can find them even when it's happening in unpopulated areas.

And it's also, you know, I noticed for the Russian one, they all have dashboard cameras.

I want a dashboard camera.

That's great for like alien abductions and stuff, you know?

Right?

I mean, I would, again, this is not to say what the field of astrophysicists pays or anything, but I would think you could afford a dashboard camera.

You're a man of science, or at least go to Radio Shack and build one.

it's an interesting.

It's data.

Do you have a drone?

I'm not authorized to.

What was that?

Was that a glance to people at the lab?

I may occasionally drone myself, but I do not own a drone.

No.

All right.

So

you do not have a drone.

What is the biggest...

What do you think will be the biggest threat to man's existence on this planet?

Do you believe it will be one of those asteroid events or is there something else you've been cooking up, a pathogen,

something at the planetarium that you think, where do you think this goes?

My people have the astrophysicists.

Yes.

Okay.

That's been

who, by the way, have suffered prejudice for too long.

My people.

Shouts of nerd.

My people have been telling the world about the threat of asteroids for 30 years.

Once we identified the crater that was what took out the dinosaurs at the tip of

the chick saloon crater is what it's called.

At the tip of

the land.

Milan.

Yeah, yeah.

The chick saloo by the tip.

The Yucatan Peninsula of Mexico.

That's where...

There's a crater found by people drilling for oil.

They're looking for gravitational anomalies, and they found a ridge that was a perfect circle 100 miles in diameter.

100 miles.

And then you date where that came from 65 million years ago.

Holy.

And then you look at the dinosaur records, they went extinct 65 million years ago, and there's a smoking gun, right?

The gun and the smoking.

Well, this correlation equal causation, though, couldn't it have been one of those things like, oh, what was that sound?

And then they all turned and ran into the same tree.

I don't know.

I'm just saying.

Is it necessarily that it caused it?

That is possible, but unlikely.

That they...

So you're saying there's a chance.

That all dinosaurs ran into a a tree and died and rendered themselves extinct.

That's in principle, no law of physics prevents that, but it's so unlikely.

Now, what handed you an asteroid?

And plus, that birthed the study of climate science in a big way.

When you say it like that, it makes me seem silly.

No, I don't mean that.

Will you stick around and tell me, for real, will you stick around and

go to commercials and then you'll tell me exactly what's going to happen?

So do that.

Space Chronicles is on the bookshelves now.

You've got to get a hold of it.

The great Neil deGrasse Tyson, ladies and gentlemen.

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