TDS Time Machine | Space!

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Speaker 12 You're listening to Comedy Central.

Speaker 13 Some big news from NASA. Those two astronauts who launched on a Boeing Starliner spaceship for a 10-day mission back in June.

Speaker 13 Well, there's word now they may not not be coming home until next February.

Speaker 2 February 2025.

Speaker 15 February 2025, they're going to miss the insurrection.

Speaker 17 They were supposed to be gone for a week, and now it's going to be eight months.

Speaker 16 And this is not just an eight-month trip.

Speaker 18 This is an eight-month work trip.

Speaker 21 Take a good look around at your coworkers and imagine spending eight months with them.

Speaker 15 Makes you want to kill yourself live on air, doesn't it?

Speaker 15 And by the way, they're not going to be back in eight months either.

Speaker 15 Things always end up taking longer than they say. There's a formula I use when someone else tells me how long it's going to take to fix something.

Speaker 15 What I do is I take that amount of time and I add forever to it.

Speaker 2 Don't we fake all our space shit anyways?

Speaker 15 You know, why is this a problem? Just open the door of the sound stage in Burbank and let these people go home.

Speaker 17 But apparently it's more complicated than that.

Speaker 24 NASA and Boeing engineers remain divided over whether it's safe to bring Wilmore and Williams back on Starliner.

Speaker 24 They're concerned that helium leaks and engine thruster problems could pose serious risks.

Speaker 25 Boeing believes Starliner would bring the astronauts home safely.

Speaker 26 I'm very confident we have a good vehicle to bring the crew back with.

Speaker 15 Yeah, well, if you know Boeing says it's safe, I think we can just trust them on this one, right?

Speaker 15 Yeah.

Speaker 17 I mean, their days without an incident sign is almost up to double digits.

Speaker 16 They got that. What's that?

Speaker 15 I'm being told that the days without incident sign fell and killed someone.

Speaker 5 Oh.

Speaker 21 Why are we even still going to space?

Speaker 15 There's no gravity up there.

Speaker 20 We can't breathe.

Speaker 21 I think it's sending us a message.

Speaker 15 We already have a planet.

Speaker 20 Earth right here.

Speaker 17 And it's going to be here for at least another 20 years, 15 if you use a plastic straw.

Speaker 23 But for whatever reason, we're up there.

Speaker 21 And so to those poor astronauts who are stuck up in space, I personally, I give them permission to have an affair.

Speaker 23 You know?

Speaker 15 Zero gravity, baby. It's the perfect excuse.

Speaker 21 Who hasn't gotten stuck in space and floated inside a co-worker?

Speaker 23 It happens to the best of us.

Speaker 27 Look, look,

Speaker 27 I could come up with more reasons, but let's be honest. Elon knows why people are mad at him.

Speaker 27 We know he's not as smart as he pretends to be, but he's also not as dumb as he's pretending to be right now.

Speaker 27 And when he goes on Sean Hannity to complain about why people hate him, he's just proving that the troll king of the internet can't handle the consequences of the real world. But you know what?

Speaker 27 You know what, Elon?

Speaker 27 You know what?

Speaker 26 No.

Speaker 27 Here, Elon, Elon, if you genuinely want people to not hate you, you could focus on the things you are good at. I mean, you did get those astronauts back.

Speaker 27 It was a beautiful moment.

Speaker 28 The astronaut pair who faced a prolonged stay in space, nine months versus a planned one week, are back on Earth tonight.

Speaker 30 It was a team effort between the Trump administration, Elon Musk, and SpaceX.

Speaker 25 And how about this welcoming committee?

Speaker 21 Like we just mentioned, a pod of dolphins seen swimming around as the astronauts waited to be escorted out of the SpaceX dragon capsule.

Speaker 27 You know what? I think that's great. Look, I have to not be a hater for a second, okay?

Speaker 27 Elon brought them back safely from space after being stranded there for months and dolphins even showed up to say say hi.

Speaker 33 That is incredible.

Speaker 27 I mean, I wish the dolphins hadn't welcomed them back with a sigh hile, but still, still.

Speaker 27 It's a beautiful moment for humanity. Now, it was a joyous moment, but those astronauts were gone a long, long time.

Speaker 27 Thankfully, the good folks at NASA prepared a video to help them acclimate to the world they're coming back to.

Speaker 6 Hello, astronauts, and welcome back to Earth. You got to see dolphins before they went extinct.

Speaker 4 How cool is that?

Speaker 6 As you are flown back to the US, this video will re-acclimate your mind on what you missed while you were in space. First, the Gulf of Mexico you landed in is now the Gulf of America.

Speaker 6 But don't worry, the name change is symbolic. We're not going to war with Mexico.
We're going to war with Canada and Greenland, maybe Panama. Also Mexico.

Speaker 6 Oh, speaking of wars, when you left, it was Russia that invaded Ukraine. Now it's the other way around.
Don't worry about it. For now, just focus focus on resting.
And after you enter U.S.

Speaker 6 territory, your space capsule will face crippling steel tariffs and you will be deported to an El Salvadoran prison, just until we're sure that you're not Venezuelan gang members.

Speaker 6 And after your release in 2026, you will be honored at the White House,

Speaker 6 which is now run by Fox News anchors.

Speaker 6 Also, the anti-vaccine guy is now in charge of vaccines, the anti-FBI guy is now in charge of the FBI, and the lady in charge of the WWE runs the education department, which is gone.

Speaker 6 These great leaders will welcome you all back, except for astronaut Sonny Williams. See, when you left, you were a female astronaut, and now you're a DEI astronaut, and also you're fired.

Speaker 6 But don't worry, you'll find another job. Although, just a heads up, the stock market is down and eggs are $400.
But those are both good things, and also Joe Biden's fault.

Speaker 6 At this point, you're probably wondering, when can NASA send me back up to space? Well, it probably can't. NASA just got dodged, which is a real sentence now.

Speaker 6 So from all of us here in America, welcome to hell. Earth, welcome back to Earth.

Speaker 23 Space Force.

Speaker 32 The latest branch of the armed forces that after 30 years of planning finally sprung into existence thanks to the support of our last military genius.

Speaker 21 We are going to have the Space Force.

Speaker 32 But after Iraqi launch, most Americans still don't know what Space Force actually does

Speaker 14 until now.

Speaker 32 I'm here at the Pentagon to find out what Space Force, the sixth and coolest branch of the U.S. military, does.
I'm talking spaceships, lasers. It's the military in space.

Speaker 32 Let's go check it out. Don't ask me how I got clearance.

Speaker 15 I'm not even an American citizen.

Speaker 32 Somehow, I scored an interview with the very first head of Space Force, four-star General Jay Raymond, at the geometry theme headquarters of the U.S. Department of Defense.

Speaker 32 Obviously, our space military is cool as hell, but I wasn't sure what they actually do.

Speaker 32 So I made sure to prepare for this exclusive one-on-one interview.

Speaker 32 General Raymond, thank you so much for

Speaker 32 tuning in on this.

Speaker 32 Why is it called the Pentagon?

Speaker 35 Have you ever seen the Pentagon shape?

Speaker 32 Wait, you're saying Pentagon is a shape.

Speaker 19 Right.

Speaker 19 Like what? Pentagon.

Speaker 35 Take a look at the building. You obviously studied hard in school.

Speaker 32 Okay, General, Space Force, we're talking lasers, spaceships, rockets, fighting aliens.

Speaker 35 Absolutely not. The mission of the Space Force is really to protect and defend the capabilities that we have in space and to deter conflict from beginning in space or extending into space.

Speaker 32 What does Space Force do?

Speaker 19 Let me give you an example.

Speaker 35 We operate for the world free of charge, the GPS constellation that provides you navigation and provides the world a timing signal for everybody to use.

Speaker 35 Most people don't know that that's provided free of charge by the United States Space Force.

Speaker 32 Space Force gives GPS for free to the world.

Speaker 35 Yes, sir.

Speaker 32 Well, why don't you open with that? Call yourselves the GPS force.

Speaker 35 Because we do a lot more than that.

Speaker 32 Yeah, but you go with the thing that people know you.

Speaker 19 We do a lot more than that.

Speaker 35 Communication satellites. We have missile warning satellites that detect any kind of launch around the globe and provide warning of that.

Speaker 35 And so it's very critical to us and our competitors or our adversaries have watched us and have seen us integrate space into everything that we do.

Speaker 32 Who are our adversaries?

Speaker 35 Specifically Russia and China. They're building space capabilities for their own use.
So for example, They have a satellite that they launched in 2017. I call it a nesting doll satellite.

Speaker 35 It's a satellite that opens up and another satellite comes out and it opens up and a projectile comes out. Oh my god.
Designed to kill a satellite.

Speaker 32 Do all these nations' satellites adopt their countries' cultures? Like, does the Chinese satellite come out and chopsticks come out and like pick on the other satellites?

Speaker 35 China has a satellite that has a robotic arm.

Speaker 32 With chopsticks on it.

Speaker 35 A robotic arm that can reach out and, in the future, grab another satellite, and satellites don't like to be grabbed.

Speaker 32 What is the plan to stop that?

Speaker 35 I won't go into all the details of what we can do, but let's just say I'm very comfortable that we can protect and defend our satellites.

Speaker 32 That's ominous as hell. But I still wasn't sure sure why America's already bloated military needed a whole new military when we already have five other militaries.

Speaker 32 General, why did Space Force become its own branch of the military?

Speaker 35 The Air Force has a lot of responsibilities that it does. It's primarily focused on the air domain, and the thought was because space was so critical to us,

Speaker 35 we had to stand up a separate service to be able to focus on it.

Speaker 32 So, atmosphere-wise, where does the Air Force end and Space Force begin?

Speaker 35 There's really not a firm, you know, dedicated recognizing clouds.

Speaker 36 But

Speaker 5 what happens?

Speaker 32 Above clouds, Space Force. Below clouds, Air Force.

Speaker 35 You can think of it above where airplanes work, wings work, and where orbital dynamics takes over, roughly about 100 kilometers.

Speaker 32 So above 100 kilometers, that's where all the Space Force people are.

Speaker 35 No, in fact, our force is on the ground.

Speaker 32 So they come in every day and sit behind a computer?

Speaker 35 Largely, a lot of their work is done behind computers,

Speaker 35 in terminals, operating capabilities, or on in optical telescopes looking out in space.

Speaker 32 So Space Force is less Starship Troopers and more office space. But are these keyboard warriors even ready to protect us from the real threat facing mankind? Have you considered maybe

Speaker 32 looking a little outwards? and looking at the threats that are external that might be coming to Earth? For example,

Speaker 32 aliens that might be coming.

Speaker 35 So again, our mission is a little bit closer to home. NASA's mission is more exploratory and more science.
And so they have gone out and.

Speaker 32 I get it. General Space Force GPS,

Speaker 32 NASA, nerd shit. But we need some dudes who look as scary as you with guns pointing outwards in case aliens come.

Speaker 35 I'm not naive or

Speaker 35 closed-minded to think that there might be something that would be out there, but we're not focused on aliens.

Speaker 32 All right, well it just seems like it's a big hole in the national defense

Speaker 32 plan and if no one's gonna plug that hole, I just feel like maybe Space Force should step up and you know maybe provide some orbital defense against aliens.

Speaker 35 Thanks for your advice.

Speaker 32 Okay, well General, thank you for taking the time to speak to me.

Speaker 32 Even though Space Force has nothing to do with lasers or aliens or spaceships, and I wish it was cooler, I do appreciate the need for a GPS system that works.

Speaker 35 Thank you for the opportunity. I couldn't be more proud.
The Guardians that I appreciate the opportunity to tell their story because most Americans don't understand what they do.

Speaker 32 I agree.

Speaker 32 So even though I'm still not sure what it does, Space Force represents what the American government does best. Find new ways to give billions of dollars to the military-industrial complex.

Speaker 32 But hey, if they're going to offer free GPS, then I say live long and prosper, Space Force.

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Speaker 6 Next Monday, a solar eclipse will totally block out the sun over parts of America.

Speaker 6 And we're all looking forward to having one brief moment when you can look up into the sky and see something besides the door of a Boeing airplane plummeting towards the ground.

Speaker 6 It's not just a moment for humans. An eclipse offers a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for Rudy Giuliani to come out and feed during the day.

Speaker 6 Yeah, it's good for him. It's good for him.
Now in the old days a total eclipse would be a time when people would gather together as a community and burn the witches responsible for it.

Speaker 6 But these days we commemorate it in the modern enlightened way by trying to make that money.

Speaker 38 This eclipse is causing a travel boom for small towns in its path.

Speaker 39 Hotels are up about 550% in cities like Jackson, Missouri, where it'll cost on average more than $600 a night. In Erie, Pennsylvania, it's almost $800.

Speaker 30 Companies are rushing to cash in some of the strangest sun-inspired foods, including chips you can only get during the eclipse.

Speaker 30 Krispy Kreme is even teaming up with Oreos for a donut featuring cookie pieces.

Speaker 38 To catch the eclipse from the sky, Delta offering a flight from Austin to Detroit to give onlookers an out-of-this-world view.

Speaker 6 Wow, talk about a flight where you do not want to be in the middle seat.

Speaker 6 Imagine you end up sitting next to that guy who insists on keeping his window shade down.

Speaker 6 Although, how cool to celebrate the once-in-a-lifetime event of a Delta flight taking off on time?

Speaker 6 I love how every civilization honors the heavens in their own way. The ancient Incas built Machu Picchu, America put an Oreo on a donut.

Speaker 6 Really milking this event for everything it's worth.

Speaker 6 But look, we can't deny that the eclipse truly is a rare, magical moment.

Speaker 6 I mean, for those lucky enough to be in its path, you'll never forget that you saw that, and nothing, nothing can take that away from you.

Speaker 40 Weather and clouds might get in the way of perfect eclipse viewing in many parts of the country.

Speaker 6 For more on how towns across America are celebrating the eclipse, we have our news team live in the path of totality, Ronnie Chang in Kerrville, Texas.

Speaker 6 Guys, what's the mood like where you are?

Speaker 14 Oh, it's amazing, Desi.

Speaker 37 I thought this small town would be full of dumb rubes, but it's actually full of the friendliest and most welcoming rubes I've ever met.

Speaker 37 So nice to see America stop fighting for one day and watch the sun put on a show.

Speaker 27 Same here, Desi. Knowing how small we are in the vastness of space has brought everyone together in love and friendship to wear repurposed Avatar 3D glasses.

Speaker 27 So I agree with everything Ronnie said, except for the part about the sun. Everyone knows the moon is the real star here.

Speaker 37 I'm sorry, Jordan. Well, the moon is supporting, but the sun is the real star here.
I mean, it's literally a star.

Speaker 37 I'm sorry they didn't teach you that in American kindergarten.

Speaker 27 Obviously, I meant star metaphorically. They must not teach metaphors wherever you went to community college.

Speaker 27 The sun is not why people are putting aside their differences and coming together, dipshit. They're watching the moon cross over the sun.
Unlike you, most people don't stare at the sun all day.

Speaker 6 Okay, guys, guys, let's not fall apart over this. The sun and the moon are equally important here.

Speaker 4 Oh, oh, sure, yeah, equally important.

Speaker 37 Because if the sun disappears, I mean, all that happens is we all freeze to death, and god forbid the moon goes away, then we'll be what?

Speaker 27 Hot of the Surth?

Speaker 41 And Jordan won't get his period anymore?

Speaker 5 Okay.

Speaker 14 You put some some respect on the moon, all right?

Speaker 27 It's our cultural touchstone. Good night, moon, moonlight sonata.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's a more.

Speaker 14 Tell me this.

Speaker 5 Tell me this.

Speaker 27 Have you ever?

Speaker 27 Have you ever gotten a moon burn? No. Worst thing that happens under the moonlight is that you fall in love or turn into a werewolf.

Speaker 5 Either way, it's f ⁇ ing awesome.

Speaker 37 Sorry, did you say moonlight? You mean the light that reflects from the sun?

Speaker 37 Yo, the moon is nothing. It's a rock.

Speaker 14 Good thing it has a weak gravitational pull so people can leave it easier.

Speaker 5 Oh,

Speaker 27 I thought you'd like the weak gravity because it's the one place in the universe where you could actually dunk a basketball, smart ass.

Speaker 6 Okay, guys, guys, guys, stop this. I thought this eclipse would bring us together.
Shut up, Desi.

Speaker 27 Yeah, shut up, Desi.

Speaker 27 You probably like Mars or some stupid shit.

Speaker 4 Yeah, f ⁇ ing Mars, all right?

Speaker 37 Look, the moon doesn't have shit on the sun, okay? You wouldn't even know the moon moon exists if it wasn't for the Sun. So, don't act like the Sun isn't the most important part of the eclipse.

Speaker 37 All right,

Speaker 37 what are you doing? I'm eclipsing you. I'm eclipsing you.

Speaker 37 Get out of my promise!

Speaker 37 Sun! Sun! Have Sun! The Sun!

Speaker 42 The United Nations.

Speaker 31 Since its inception, the UN's mission has been to maintain peace on Earth.

Speaker 31 But unless quick resolution can be found to a brewing land dispute, they may soon find themselves struggling to maintain peace beyond Earth.

Speaker 42 Exploiting a loophole in a UN treaty, businessman Dennis Hope has made a simple claim of ownership.

Speaker 45 The declaration of ownership that I filed was for the moon and the other eight planets and their moons.

Speaker 45 So I guess this solar system.

Speaker 15 What are you selling?

Speaker 45 The Lunar Embassy sells property on planets and moons in this solar system.

Speaker 46 You don't just sell property on the planets, you also sell fine motor oils.

Speaker 19 Correct.

Speaker 47 How much is your total property worth?

Speaker 45 $763 trillion.

Speaker 46 And you also provide licorice.

Speaker 45 Yes, it's red vine and it's free.

Speaker 44 But fellow entrepreneur Craig Attig thinks Dennis is misinterpreting the law.

Speaker 48 The UN has stated that nobody can claim to own the moon, Mars, any of the planets.

Speaker 44 According to Craig, the only legal way to get Martian land is from a Martian government.

Speaker 48 We are simply lying in wait for that Martian independence day, so to speak.

Speaker 15 And for a small fee, Craig's Martian consulate will register a land claim on your behalf.

Speaker 46 It seems fairly simple.

Speaker 46 All someone has to do is register their claim with you, wait for colonization of the planet, wait for industry, agriculture, and the population to grow large enough that Mars is an independent colony.

Speaker 42 Yes, exactly.

Speaker 46 And then wait for a group of disgruntled patriot Martian farmers to rise up and throw off the shackles of Earth-bound imperialism.

Speaker 49 I think there's little doubt that it'll happen.

Speaker 49 It's a long wait, but I think for certain it will happen.

Speaker 22 Is this for our children?

Speaker 48 It's not going to pay off in this generation.

Speaker 22 For our grandchildren?

Speaker 48 It won't pay off the next generation.

Speaker 47 Our great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great,

Speaker 47 great,

Speaker 47 great,

Speaker 22 great, great, great, great grandchildren.

Speaker 35 That's right.

Speaker 43 While these two may profit by offering the same land, it's the Martians of tomorrow who will pay the price.

Speaker 46 The day may come in the future when I, as a colonist, may be out in my trifibian atomic car in Sidonia visiting the face one day to come back to my pterosphere, only to find that my pods and capsules have been thrown into the canal by the lunar embassy who've evicted me.

Speaker 48 You'd have to take that up with the legitimate

Speaker 48 Martian government.

Speaker 46 But what about my pods and capsules?

Speaker 45 Not my problem, as far as you're concerned.

Speaker 48 Well, we're kind of out of the picture once Martian Independence Day comes to be.

Speaker 42 If the present conflict continues, in the future, a peaceful Mars may have been a thing of the past.

Speaker 50 A new study found that exposure to cosmic radiation could cause astronauts to suffer erectile dysfunction even after they returned to Earth.

Speaker 50 Which finally explains why Neil Armstrong's second sentence on the moon was: I swear this never happens.

Speaker 50 And they say, they say what causes this is cosmic cosmic rays, but what if it's just the awe-inspiring experience of being in space? You know?

Speaker 50 After that, you're having sex with someone and you're like, yeah,

Speaker 34 I've seen the cosmos fall away before me like a glittering sea of infinity. So sorry if your vagina just doesn't do it for me anymore.

Speaker 50 Or,

Speaker 34 to be inclusive, I've seen the cosmos fall away before me like a glittering sea of infinity. So sorry if your butthole doesn't do it for me anymore.

Speaker 34 We care.

Speaker 50 We care. Here at the Daily Show, we care.

Speaker 50 For more in the space race, we go live to NASA headquarters with our very own Michael Costa.

Speaker 51 Now, Michael, this is some shocking news.

Speaker 29 It's devastating, Michelle.

Speaker 15 It's why I've made the difficult decision to not be an astronaut.

Speaker 21 It's too bad because I was just a couple of YouTube videos away from learning math.

Speaker 50 But Michael, space travel is one of humanity's greatest technological accomplishments after the Japanese toilet, of course.

Speaker 5 Of course.

Speaker 6 It's a hot seat.

Speaker 50 What are we talking about?

Speaker 50 Isn't planting the flag on the moon worth a little bit of a limp dick?

Speaker 18 Unfortunately, no.

Speaker 21 The fact is, space dick is a life or death issue for our planet. See, if science fiction has taught us anything, it's that most of the time you spend in space, you're having sex with hot aliens.

Speaker 18 That's how we prove to them that humanity is worth saving. But what if an alien queen takes me to the bedroom and I can't perform?

Speaker 15 Earth gets vaporized just because I couldn't blast off into her Milky Way?

Speaker 23 We can't take that risk.

Speaker 52 Michael,

Speaker 50 I don't think that's how real space works.

Speaker 18 Well, which one of us was almost an astronaut, Michelle?

Speaker 50 Neither one of us.

Speaker 50 So what are you saying? We can't go to space anymore because you want to protect your boner?

Speaker 22 Of course, I'm not saying that.

Speaker 22 It's humanity's destiny to explore the galaxy and harvest its resources so we can keep building iPhones.

Speaker 2 No, Michelle, now is the time for us to come together as a planet and devote all of our collective scientific knowledge to keeping our astronauts rock hard, okay?

Speaker 23 Whatever it takes, space Viagra.

Speaker 18 Paint a nipple on the moon so it looks like a boob.

Speaker 21 And if nothing else works, let's try sending teenage boys up there. Space conditions won't stop those boners any more than my grandmother's funeral did.

Speaker 50 Thanks, Michael. Michael Costa, everybody.

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Speaker 51 and finally if you're searching for a vacation that's totally out of this world well we've got some good news for you and if you want a hotel room with a view how about booking a room in the world's first space hotel it's a cruise ship style luxury hotel that will rotate in space california company the gateway foundation released plans for the von braun station the amenities will include restaurants movie screenings, low-gravity basketball, and rock climbing facilities.

Speaker 51 The company hopes to get it off the ground in 2025.

Speaker 53 Wait, did they say there's going to be a movie theater?

Speaker 53 So you're going to go all the way to space and then watch a movie?

Speaker 53 I mean, I guess it sort of makes sense because when you think about it, space is probably exciting for about like 15 minutes.

Speaker 53 And then at that point, it's like, how many times can you say wow?

Speaker 4 Yeah, it's just like, wow, the Earth! Wow, the moon.

Speaker 53 You guys want to go watch the Lion King

Speaker 53 I also feel really bad for the staff on that hotel because you realize they have to do the same training as astronauts to go work up there But then you go up and you just clean a hotel.

Speaker 31 Yeah, their boss will be like congrats on that master's in physics now clean the semen out of these bed sheets. All right

Speaker 31 Welcome back to the show.

Speaker 12 My guest tonight says he's an astrophysicist and the director of the Hayden Planetarium at the Museum of Natural History here in New York.

Speaker 12 He says this is his book, Space Chronicles: Facing the Ultimate Frontier, now out in paperback.

Speaker 12 I tend to believe him. Please welcome back to the show, Neil deGros Tyson.

Speaker 25 They love science.

Speaker 42 They love the science. You gotta love the science.

Speaker 12 Science. So anything you want to say to me? Anything maybe in the form of an apology?

Speaker 12 No,

Speaker 12 I noticed you're a new open.

Speaker 12 What did you think of it? What did you think of it?

Speaker 12 In terms of its accuracy, in terms of its efficacy?

Speaker 12 It was cheap, it's all get out. All right.

Speaker 12 But Earth was spinning the correct direction, except a little too fast. Any people on it would have just flung off.

Speaker 12 But other than that, the globe was fine. We're cool.
We're cool.

Speaker 12 What does it take to satisfy you? I get it in the right direction, and then the speed is off.

Speaker 12 Damn, you and your chronicles of space. All you had to do was reverse the video.
Why? What's so hard about that?

Speaker 12 I'm just saying.

Speaker 12 I need to make a phone call.

Speaker 12 But wouldn't all the words then be reversed? Wouldn't it go like, would you be a job?

Speaker 12 No.

Speaker 12 Well. Because they're all attached.
We can't separate. We tried to separate it out.
You can't do it. No, you can't.
It's all attached.

Speaker 12 You, a man of science, not wizardry. Science.
No, no. Here's something interesting.
Let me ask you a question. Sure.

Speaker 12 Why are these asteroids trying to kill us?

Speaker 12 The universe has always been trying to kill us. Well, why are they getting closer? Yeah, we're starting to notice more, first of all.

Speaker 12 Second, we're living in more parts of Earth's surface, so when the stuff happens, it gets noticed.

Speaker 12 That's interesting. Yeah.

Speaker 12 So the more we expand our population, these meteors have been hitting us for years, but sometimes in unpopulated areas. Most of which the surface of the Earth is.

Speaker 12 You know, when you say it like that, it makes me sound silly.

Speaker 12 No, think of

Speaker 12 the area of the Pacific, nobody lives there, Pacific Ocean and Canada, well northern Canada,

Speaker 12 northern Canada, northern Canada, most of Siberia. Do you have any idea what you've unleashed?

Speaker 12 The pain you have brought upon us all? Send your letters to Brian Williams,

Speaker 12 NBC. No, here's something interesting.

Speaker 12 Many of those would have gone unnoticed even in unpopulated areas, except in the last 10 or 15 years, there are sensors placed around the world to monitor nuclear blast.

Speaker 12 And a nuclear blast has the same sonic signature in the atmosphere as a meteor strike. And so now we can find them even when it's happening in unpopulated areas.

Speaker 12 And it's also, you know, I noticed for the Russian one, they all have dashboard cameras. I want a dashboard camera.
That's great for like alien abductions and stuff, you know?

Speaker 12 Right?

Speaker 12 I mean, I would, again, this is not to say what the field of astrophysicists pays or anything, but I would think you could afford a dashboard camera.

Speaker 12 You're a man of science, or at least go to Radio Shack and build one? I mean,

Speaker 12 it's data. Do you have a drone?

Speaker 12 I'm not authorized to. What was that?

Speaker 12 Was that a glance to people at the lab?

Speaker 12 I may occasionally drone myself, but I do not own a drone. No.
All right, so no, you do not have a drone.

Speaker 12 What is the biggest, what do you think will be the biggest threat to man's existence on this planet?

Speaker 12 Do you believe it will be one of those asteroid events or is there something else you've been cooking up, a pathogen,

Speaker 12 something at the planetarium that you think, where do you think this goes? My people have

Speaker 12 astrophysicists. Yes.
Okay.

Speaker 12 Okay. Have been.

Speaker 12 Who, by the way, have suffered prejudice for too long.

Speaker 12 My people.

Speaker 12 Shouts of nerd. My people have been telling the world about the threat of asteroids for 30 years.

Speaker 12 Once we identified the crater that was what took out the dinosaurs at the tip of

Speaker 12 the Chicxalube crater is what it's called.

Speaker 12 At the tip of

Speaker 12 the tip. The Yucatan Peninsula of Mexico, that's where there's a crater found by people drilling for oil.

Speaker 12 They're looking for gravitational anomalies, and they found a ridge that was a perfect circle 100 miles in diameter.

Speaker 12 And then you date where that came from 65 million years ago.

Speaker 12 And then you look at the dinosaur records, they went extinct 65 million years ago, and there's a smoking gun, right? The gun and the smoking. Why does correlation equal causation, though?

Speaker 12 Couldn't it have been one of those things like, oh, what was that sound? And then they all turned and ran into the same tree. I don't know.

Speaker 12 I'm just saying.

Speaker 12 Is it necessarily that it caused it? That is possible, but unlikely.

Speaker 12 That they went. So you're saying there's a chance.
That all dinosaurs ran into a tree and died and rendered themselves extinct.

Speaker 12 That is in principle, no law of physics prevents that, but it's so unlikely.

Speaker 12 What handed you an asteroid? And plus, that birthed the study of climate science in a big way. When you say it like that, it makes me seem silly.
No, I don't mean that.

Speaker 12 Will you stick around and tell me, for real, will you stick around after

Speaker 12 it go to commercials and then you'll tell me exactly what's going to happen. So do that.

Speaker 12 Space Chronicles is on on the bookshelves now. You got to get a hold of it.
The great Neil deGrasse Tyson, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 12 Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching The Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts.

Speaker 12 Watch The Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Fairmount Plus.

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