TDS Time Machine | Independence Day

You're listening to Comedy Central.

The 4th of July is fast approaching, and the Daily Show insists you have a happy and healthy celebration.

Yesterday, we showed you the proper way to launch a bottle rocket from your hand.

Now, join us again.

You remember that.

Now, join us again as we focus on the 4th.

Great news for John BBQ Public.

A new study has come out which suggests eating red meat is just as healthy as eating fish or chicken.

And you know it's true because the study was financed by the National Cattlemen's Beef Association.

Interestingly, the same researchers found that health benefits multiplied when patients slept on meat beds, washed with meat soap, and generally stockpiled meat and meat products.

The study claims at-risk patients who went on lean red meat diets had the same health benefits as those who ate lean white meat, provided, of of course the white meat was cooked in a butter cream sauce, coated in bacon, and served in a shell of congealed lard.

So in picking your choice of meat off the grill this year, go for the piece that's lean and well trimmed and hope you don't get the one your dog peed on before your dad picked it up off the ground when no one was looking.

Come on, that's good sound advice, people.

Continuing our focus on the fourth, because as you may know, the Daily Show is the exclusive sponsor of Summer, we recently sent Stephen Colbert down south, way down south, to make sure those folks were making the most of their lazy days.

Welcome to sweet, sleepy Pulaski, Tennessee, birthplace of the KKK and host of this year's 1997 European Culture and Crafts Festival, starring America's sweetheart, the White Knights themselves, the Ku Klux Klan.

It's racist fun for the whole family with crafts, dancing, and hate literature.

I guess that makes them Aryan librarians.

And what symbolizes rabid redneck rhetoric more than a clown?

My name is Candy, the Klan Clown.

And what's funny about the Klan?

Ah, there's not a lot really funny about it.

We're here to have a good time.

This is the parade route.

In just a minute, over that hill, we'll see literally tens of people march for white pride.

Off to the right here is the Confederate flag.

You have the Klan, the flag of the Knight.

Well, that's the flag of Scotland.

The old flag of Germany.

The old Russian flag.

They may not like fags, but they love flags.

Are you here for the White Pride Parade?

Oh, honey, no.

What is the White Kla-Ku Klux Klan?

The Ku Klux Klan, yes.

Oh, no.

Whose heart doesn't beat a little quicker when they see Klansmen marching on a hot summer day?

Do you have any local names for the Klan?

Well, we used to refer to them as the Sheet Heads.

I'm sorry, one more time.

Sheath Heads.

I didn't know that.

Jew?

It's been a fantastic day, but it ain't over yet.

When the sun goes down, it's time to party.

It's been a great day.

What's the exciting event tonight?

Well, for us, it's a cross-laddy, and we'll be having it in a few minutes.

Yeah, this feels right.

Who can become a member?

Christian?

You have to be a Christian.

You have to be white.

What about homosexuals?

Uh, no.

What about hemothelia?

No.

Animated characters?

It depends.

Mickey.

Good.

Uh, Donald?

Yes.

Goofy?

No.

Too goofy.

No, there's nothing goofy about these guys.

Oh.

There it is.

Good lord, what a party.

Ain't no cure for the summertime blues.

Then you've never been to a Klan rally.

The sight, the sight of beloved American symbols being attacked has become all too common in today's world.

But shockingly, the battle against our iconography has now come to our very own shores, at Helm says more.

The American bald eagle has long stood as a symbol for truth, liberty, and the back of money.

But here in Homer, Alaska, the eagle is endangered because of how many there are.

Oh my god, they're everywhere.

Edgar Bailey, a biologist and Birding Magazine's only subscriber, actually wants to reduce the eagle population.

They attack sandhill cranes, they attack a whole array of waterfowl, mainly ducks, as well as geese.

You know, if it's going to glom onto a Labrador retriever, which is very unusual, but it obviously happens, They can glom onto a little child.

Sir, may I call you an enemy of America?

Uh, no.

But isn't the loss of a dog or some children a small price to pay to be around such majesty?

Jean Keene thinks so.

She's fighting back the only way she knows how.

By dumping out 400 pounds of cod parts for the birds every morning.

Every place has eagles, and this kind of keeps some amount of the dump where they could get toxic stuff where they're getting the good stuff at my place.

How do you thaw out that much fish?

I've had barrels of fish in my house thawing out for the birds.

Which is why we conducted this interview at a hotel.

Do you love these eagles, or are you really just mad at fish?

I love fish.

Gene loves all creatures of the earth.

But that's something Homer City Councilman Val McClay can't seem to understand.

He's proposed an ordinance making it illegal to feed eagles.

He hates the birds so much, he even carries around an eagle-bashing cane.

If it comes to the point that it's either man or eagles, the eagles will have to go.

Our nation was not founded on eagles.

It was founded on people.

Eagles were...

No, I'm sorry.

It was founded on people.

And our nation was founded before they

determined to use the eagle as a national symbol for our nation that was founded.

Maybe McClay knows a thing or two about our nation that was founded, but he clearly forgot who did the founding that was done.

Homer has been blessed with a massive eagle population, and Gene is a patriot for feeding them.

Then you're saying that I am not a good patriot because I don't want to feed the eagles and see how many eagles that we can survive.

Bingo.

And there you're wrong.

How many flags do you have in your home?

Are we going to get in a patriot off?

Yeah, I know that I have at least eight

flags in my business and in my home.

Come on,

give me an answer.

797.

Apparently, McClay doesn't understand that Eagles spread liberty from every cell phone tower, Toyota Corolla, and literally every single building in Homer.

and always leave behind a fresh glaze of freedom frosting.

Bailey doesn't get it either.

We have hundreds where we used to have like five or six, you know, historically.

Let's say you had hundreds of Ben Franklins walking around Homer eating cod and sitting on cars.

Would that be a bad thing?

That's your interpretation.

Think about that for a minute.

What could be more beautiful?

Sadly, last month, McClay's ordinance passed.

Come June, Bald Eagles and Homer will somehow have to find a way to get their own food.

Until that day, however, Gene Keene will continue to fight for the Eagles.

Being the national bird, they're a very proud bird.

It just represents a lot of things: freedom and

all that stuff.

All that stuff indeed, Gene.

All that stuff.

America, America.

God God shed his grace on thee

and the crown thy good

with forever.

Stephen Tyler's national anthem angers crowd at Indianapolis 500.

Fans quickly placated by room rooms going wee!

Aerosmith frontman Stephen Tyler has found himself in a public relations firestorm after performing a controversial rendition of the national anthem at this Sunday's Indianapolis 500.

Tyler took the stage to cries of, hey, what's British screen legend Charlotte Rampling doing here?

But androgyny is not a crime, even in Indiana.

So why was this national anthem so controversial?

No, it wasn't the extended harmonic of preamble.

baby.

No,

was not the mid-song freestyle scat

so popular amongst colonial patriots.

Here's the controversial part:

and the rapid

Indianapolis 500!

He changed the words.

Yes, Tyler's offensive rendition of the anthem was so upsetting to race fans that by the end of the song, many of the women in the crowd had pulled their shirts back down in protest.

In response to the controversy, Tyler has issued a formal apology, saying, quote, I got in trouble my whole life for having a big mouth.

I'm very proud to be an American and live here in the home of the brave.

Adding, the deep down do love that amount!

Toby Keith and Charlie Daniels, country outlaws, riding the range of lyrical controversy, carrying aloft the gigantic belt buckle of First Amendment freedom.

Y'all?

It appears both country musicians will not be performing on upcoming 4th of July television specials after the songs they were set to sing were deemed inappropriate by ABC and PBS.

Keith was dumped by ABC because according to him, the network, specifically Peter Jennings, was uncomfortable with his song Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue, The Angry American.

The country music star took a break from discussing his long-distance plan with Alf to address the issue on Wolf Blitzer Reports.

And luckily for everybody, he had a guitar handy and performed the song in question.

Justice will be served and the battle will rage.

This big dog will fight when you rattle his cage,

and you'll be sorry that you messed with the US of Aunt We'll put a boot in your ass, it's the American way.

Wait, wait,

wait a second.

Uncle Sam, Liberty, Red, White, and Blue, Freedom, Eagle, Jingo, I've got Jingo!

Jingo!

I've got

one of them big jokes, and then you got to go, ha ha!

Well, now I have to read.

All right.

It should be noted that this isn't the first time Keith has been the subject of controversy.

Broadcasters also banned his previous singles, These Boots Were Made for Assing.

Ass, Would You Like Boot With That?

And I like to put things inside people's rectums.

For example, my boot.

But Toby Keith is not the only singer nobody watching this show owns an album of who's in a tussle over Independence Day.

65-year-old devil went down to Georgia singer Charlie Daniels has dropped out of a public television special entitled A Capital Fourth.

His producers didn't want him to sing a downbeat song memorializing victims of September 11th.

This is the second time Daniels has courted controversy since 9-11.

The singer released an angry, some say anti-Arab song a few months back entitled This Ain't No Rag, It's a Flag, featuring the lyrics, This ain't no rag, it's a flag.

We don't wear it on our heads.

now now now now

it sounds bad

but i heard bobby short perform it at the carlisle the other night transcendent

daniels also went on cable news because that's where anybody can go who has a problem to discuss the situation They want it to be a celebratory show, and you know, they don't want any mentions of anything.

You know, I just think it's another

case of political correctness carried to the nth degree myself.

He added, it's like when they wouldn't let my buddy Wayland Jennings speak at Harvard simply because he wasn't invited.

We'll be right back.

A key new issue has emerged in the immigration debate.

After a Spanish-language version of the national anthem was recorded last week, President Bush made his position very clear.

I think the national anthem ought to be sung in English.

Oh, say can you see by the Donzerly light?

Not sure what a donzerly is.

Perhaps I'm kind of foreign lamp.

But not everyone in the White House agrees with the president.

And I don't think there's anything wrong with singing it in Spanish.

El acuardo.

The first lady made that comment during an interview yesterday with CNN's John King.

Mr.

King had a follow-up.

Is that an issue on which you disagree with your husband?

He says it should be sung in English.

Well, I think it should be sung in English, of course.

I don't know what that other crazy lady was saying.

Don't tell me when I said it, they'll fire me.

You know, the one impression I do very well is old Jew.

It's really the only one I do.

But seriously, no matter what contradictory opinions you may yourself simultaneously have on the anthem issue,

this anthem debate gets to the very surface of what it means to be an American.

The Star-Spangled Banner, our national anthem, is special.

Written in the heat of the most important war in American history, the War of 1812,

when America fought Britain for control

of the

overture.

The 1812 overture.

Of course, we won!

And thus we're able to use that overture in the film Bad News Bears.

Oh,

Tanner.

The story of our national anthem is the story of a young man named Francis Scott Key who watched as the British British shelled Baltimore's Fort McKenney all night.

Come daybreak, the fort was damaged, but the American flag was still there.

Key set that tale to that most American of melodies, some obscure old English drinking song,

creating a piece of music so powerful it took only 117 years for it to become our national anthem

and the very symbol of the end.

of our broadcasting day.

But rather than allow this country to be torn apart apart and asunder by this unbelievably stupid controversy,

I have a solution.

Did you know that Francis Scott Key also wrote three other verses to that that no one ever sings?

May I quote from verse number two?

On the shore, dimly seen through the mists of the deep, where the foe's haughty host in dread silence reposes.

Christ, that would sound better in Spanish.

Or dingong.

Or any other combination of syllables.

And there's two more crappy verses just like that one.

And so I propose keep our anthem in English and give the rest to whoever wants it.

Because these immigrants are willing to sing the verses Americans don't want or won't sing.

And for that I say, Muy bueno!

We'll be right back.

As you may or may not know, football season just started.

And that's all football, both American and real, right?

And so, oh, come on, it's just, oh, what are you guys?

Whoa, what do you guys do?

Why do you guys, what is, you know what I, what is who is

So,

you know, that's how you know you're in a first world country.

You throw food to people that you don't like.

Hey, sorry, where was I?

Oh, yes.

So

last night, yes, last night, Monday night, football kicked off.

And it's always exciting, you know, because at the start of every football season, there's always some controversy.

You know, it's about concussions.

It's about teams moving cities.

Someone murdered someone in the offseason, so now they're suspended for a couple games.

But this season, this season, the biggest story in the NFL has come out of nowhere.

Along the sidelines during last night's NFL games, Colin Kaepernick continues his national anthem protest, kneeling before his team's season-opening game last night.

It happened right before the 49ers' preseason game against the Green Bay Packers, San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick, sitting alone, surrounded by teammates, as the national anthem was played.

Kaepernick explaining in her interview with NFL media, I am not going to stand up to show pride in a flag for a country that oppresses black people and people of color.

Yeah, that's a bold stance from Kaepernick.

I will say this though, this is a great excuse for anything he does poorly on the football field from now on, you know?

Because he says he's going to kneel for the anthem, but he could do anything.

Like if he gets sacked or intercepted, people are like, Kaepernick, you suck!

And he could be like, no, actually, this was also a protest.

How can I move the ball forward when my people are being held back?

And if if by protesting the anthem Kaepernick called the play, well then over the past month a lot of people are running it.

The NFL protests now having a trickle-down effect.

In South New Jersey, a group of high school players on the Woodrow Wilson Tigers knelt during a rendition of the national anthem this weekend too.

U.S.

soccer star Megan Rapinoy joined Kaepernick kneeling, saying she also wants to spark meaningful conversation.

Several members of the Miami Dolphins took a knee while holding hands over their hearts.

For Seattle, all all 53 players locking arms.

Marcus Peters had kind of a double moment.

He linked arms with his teammates during the anthem to show unity with them, but also raised his fist.

Now, look, I know that player seems militant, but you must understand the reason he had his fist up because there was no one to his right.

Everyone's linking arms, and so if you don't have anyone to link arms with, you raise your right arm.

That's just, that's just what you do.

Or is that just a black thing?

No?

That's...

I thought every, sorry, I thought everyone did that.

I thought it was just like we learned that from Superman.

Isn't that where we got it from?

Yeah, that's what he does.

That's what, no, just me?

Yeah?

I feel like if Superman was a black man, he gets shot at a lot more.

It would just be...

Well, look in the sky.

It's a n ⁇ .

Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang!

Bang!

Bang!

He was doing the salute.

No, he was flying.

Anyway, now, lots of people already hate it when quarterbacks take a knee, but with Kaepernick, people were especially mad.

Mr.

Kaepernick's behavior regarding the police is disgraceful.

And when Colin Kaepernick sits down and does not respect the flag, the same flag that draped the coffin of my father, a World War II veteran, I do take umbrage with that.

You are an overpaid athlete.

The next time some overpaid entertainer or athlete or politician stands up and says, boo-hoo, people are mean to me because of X, Y, and Z, laugh in their face, including this guy.

You're so tough in the studio.

You want to laugh in the face of this six foot four,

230 pound professional?

Laugh in his face.

And I love how he's telling other people to do it.

Yeah, you guys must laugh in his face when you see him.

Not me.

I'm just telling you to do it.

But let's address this real quick.

Every time an athlete or celebrity gets into a scandal, there's an endless amount of people always saying, hey, people look up to you.

You're not just an athlete, you're a role model.

Use your fame to make a difference.

But then as soon as one of those athletes stands up and says, hey, I believe in something, all of a sudden people go, hey, shut up.

We don't pay you to think.

Just play your silly game.

Move on.

What do you think you are?

A role model?

Come on.

And guys, some of the reactions have been so extreme.

Some 49ers fans burned his jersey and they put that on social media.

You're burning his jersey?

I do not get this because you realize you have to buy the jersey to burn the jersey

Like in other countries, they just make an effigy of the thing that they hate this guy is buying the actual jersey.

That's like a hundred bucks that he's spending at night.

His kids are like mommy, why don't we have any food tonight?

Because daddy wanted to make a point.

That's why.

That's why.

Seriously, look at all of these jokers burning these jerseys.

Look at these people.

This is my favorite.

Look at his hand getting burnt.

Look at him.

Yeah, I love that.

Because you know what I love about fire?

You think because you lit the fire, it's on your side, but it's not.

No, the fire is doing its own thing.

You're like, this is my patriotic fire.

It's like the fire's like, nah, man, I'm bipartisan.

I'm not with you.

Oh, and by the way, here's another thing.

Kaepernick's red number seven is now the top-selling jersey in the NFL.

Yeah, the top-selling jersey in the NFL.

That's a big thing.

That is a big thing.

And don't think, don't think that the league hasn't noticed because they've actually started selling this is insane they've started selling these jerseys now these special edition flammable Kaepernick jerseys look at this this is them furious fun for the whole family this is what they say yeah I can't this is the scariest of all warning please do not burn while wearing that's a weird warning

That's a weird warning to give the people.

So anyway, so Kaepernick has been very clear about why he's protesting during the national anthem.

But shirt burners and others, well, they took away a different message.

Here's a guy that is showing complete disrespect for the lives lost by our troops.

He should give a humble apology to this country and to the men and women who serve.

For the troops that are serving as well as those that have died for,

you know, to protect this nation, I think it's disrespectful.

We're going to honor America and our veterans, and I think they should enforce that.

Yeah, that's right, Kaepernick.

You better apologize to the troops.

But before you do, maybe we should ask some of the troops how they feel.

Kaepernick is getting some support from those in the military under the hashtag VeteransForKaepernick.

I support Colin Kaepernick and his right.

That is a right that I fought for, and many Americans did.

And it's what makes America great.

You have military vets like myself who don't feel disrespected because we understand exactly what Kaepernick is saying and why he is protesting.

I'm sorry, what?

How dare you?

How dare the troops speak for themselves?

Don't they know how hard they are fighting to protect their freedom to insult themselves?

Because freedom and the troops and the...

I don't know, man.

I'm just angry.

And look, guys, I hear you.

It can be upsetting when athletes start involving their politics in a sport you enjoy.

But the truth is, sport and protest have been intertwined for a very long time.

Sometimes, while it's happening, you're unable to appreciate its impact because of the heat of the moment.

But don't forget, Muhammad Ali, he was banned from boxing because he resisted the draft to protest the Vietnam War.

And only later did America recognize his courage.

So Colin Kaepernick could be the Muhammad Ali of this generation.

you know i mean except for the achievements and the talent and stuff but he could still be and obviously muhammad Ali is different because he was a boxer, and boxing is one of the world's greatest sports.

And Khan Kaepernick plays some pretend football, which is not even like real football, because real football is the only game that

you guys, you can't silence me.

You can't.

Oh, really?

Really?

Really?

Really?

A jockstrap?

You need more than one jockstrap to spoil my day, America.

That's.

We'll be right back.

It's award season in Hollywood, so let's get all the latest in another edition of Who Won It Best.

Welcome to Who Won It Best, where the only thing better than an award show is talking about an award show.

And tonight, we're covering all the glitz and glam and hot goss from America's greatest award show.

Welcome to Fox Nation and the sixth annual Patriot Awards.

That's right, the Fox Nation Patriot Awards, the very real award show where Fox honors the patriots brave enough to share a room with Jesse Waters.

It's like the Oscars for people who want to firebomb the Oscars.

And who better to lead it than the master race of ceremonies himself, Sean Hannity?

Little bit of a wardrobe change if you haven't noticed.

Long as I'm going to be called garbage, I might as well wear the garbage vest, right?

Oh man, my ribs still hurt from laughing.

Also, Pete Hexeth punched me in the stomach.

He's so fun.

He's so fun.

He's so fun.

And as you can probably guess, the world's biggest stars came out for the Fox Nation Patriot Awards.

Everyone from Kurt Cameron, Lee Greenwood.

Then there was the biggest celebrity surprise of all.

Now, I want you guys to stay right here because we have a special surprise for you.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the CEO of Patriot Mobile, Glenn Story.

Yes!

Yes, Glenn!

Glenn Story!

we're America's only Christian conservative cell phone service provider.

Glenn,

Glenn Story,

so great.

Can you believe they got Glenn Story out Patriot Mobile?

No!

Oh my god!

You know, some cell phone companies have 5G, Patriot Mobile has 1G.

God.

But let's get to the winners.

One of them was an actor and former actor Kurt Cameron.

He won a Patriot Award for his conservative children's books, like this one about a fable zoo animal.

Scott, he is, isn't he?

Who is his trainer?

I want his number.

Let's take a listen to his inspiring acceptance speech.

There's such a wind of hope and optimism in the air and people can smell the fragrance of freedom.

The fragrance of freedom.

Sweetie, you're at an event with Fox News anchors.

That's just chloroform.

Speaking of being knocked out, look at that trophy.

Let's learn more about the exquisite design of the Patriot Award.

This year's award has a commemorative stripe in the middle of it.

It's made of steel recovered from 9-11.

And the World Trade Center Towers housed that, and now it's part of this medal.

Wow,

wow,

wow.

Beautiful, beautiful 9-11 steel.

Sir, a second Patriot Award has just hit your trophy case.

Troy, I didn't realize 9-11 steel was available for purchase.

Oh, definitely.

When I got my Invisalign, I had my Orthodontist Youth 9-11 Steel on the retainer.

Oh!

Do you wear it at night?

I never forget.

You know, the big question was, who would win the Patriot of the Year,

the night's most coveted award, a three-star general, a courageous police officer, the Hop Tua girl?

No.

No.

No, Donald Trump.

Donald Trump.

Obviously, going to be Donald Trump.

And get this.

His acceptance speech was 12 minutes long.

Impressive.

Wow.

Eat shit, Halle Berry.

This is quite a group.

I have so many friends sitting there.

You have incredible people at Fox.

You have incredible people at every level of Fox.

No day off, no play,

no golf, no nothing.

I didn't spoke with Canada

and

Justin came flying and I looked over.

Well, that chart showed we had the best immigration, the lowest number of people, and made America great again.

The band simply won't play him off because he is too captivating.

Also, he'll sick the FBI on their families.

Isn't that fun?

So fun.

So fun.

So fun.

By the way, Troy, did you get your fabulous Patriot Award swag best?

Yes, I did.

It's a bottle of surplus Infowars prostate support.

Yum.

Oh!

What I wouldn't give to have a prostate right now.

So fun.

I bet.

I bet it is.

Anyway, those are all the highlights from the 2024 Fox Nation Patriot Awards.

I can't wait to see what they have in store next year.

How are they going to top Glenn's story from Patriot Mobile?

They won't.

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