TDS Time Machine | Independence Day

Speaker 1 You're listening to Comedy Central.

Speaker 2 The 4th of July is fast approaching, and the Daily Show insists you have a happy and healthy celebration.

Speaker 4 Yesterday, we showed you the proper way to launch a bottle rocket from your hand.

Speaker 3 Now, join us again.

Speaker 5 You remember that.

Speaker 3 Now, join us again as we focus on the 4th.

Speaker 6 Great news for John BBQ Public. A new study has come out which suggests eating red meat is just as healthy as eating fish or chicken.

Speaker 3 And you know it's true because the study was financed by the National Cattlemen's Beef Association.

Speaker 4 Interestingly, the same researchers found that health benefits multiplied when patients slept on meat beds, washed with meat soap, and generally stockpiled meat and meat products.

Speaker 3 The study claims at-risk patients who went on lean red meat diets had the same health benefits as those who ate lean white meat, provided, of of course the white meat was cooked in a butter cream sauce, coated in bacon, and served in a shell of congealed lard.

Speaker 3 So in picking your choice of meat off the grill this year, go for the piece that's lean and well trimmed and hope you don't get the one your dog peed on before your dad picked it up off the ground when no one was looking.

Speaker 7 Come on, that's good sound advice, people.

Speaker 3 Continuing our focus on the fourth, because as you may know, the Daily Show is the exclusive sponsor of Summer, we recently sent Stephen Colbert down south, way down south, to make sure those folks were making the most of their lazy days.

Speaker 5 Welcome to sweet, sleepy Pulaski, Tennessee, birthplace of the KKK and host of this year's 1997 European Culture and Crafts Festival, starring America's sweetheart, the White Knights themselves, the Ku Klux Klan.

Speaker 5 It's racist fun for the whole family with crafts, dancing, and hate literature. I guess that makes them Aryan librarians.
And what symbolizes rabid redneck rhetoric more than a clown?

Speaker 16 My name is Candy, the Klan Clown.

Speaker 5 And what's funny about the Klan? Ah, there's not a lot really funny about it.

Speaker 17 We're here to have a good time.

Speaker 5 This is the parade route. In just a minute, over that hill, we'll see literally tens of people march for white pride.

Speaker 6 Off to the right here is the Confederate flag.

Speaker 5 You have the Klan, the flag of the Knight. Well, that's the flag of Scotland.
The old flag of Germany. The old Russian flag.
They may not like fags, but they love flags.

Speaker 5 Are you here for the White Pride Parade? Oh, honey, no. What is the White Kla-Ku Klux Klan? The Ku Klux Klan, yes.
Oh, no.

Speaker 5 Whose heart doesn't beat a little quicker when they see Klansmen marching on a hot summer day? Do you have any local names for the Klan? Well, we used to refer to them as the Sheet Heads.

Speaker 19 I'm sorry, one more time.

Speaker 5 Sheath Heads. I didn't know that.

Speaker 5 Jew?

Speaker 5 It's been a fantastic day, but it ain't over yet.

Speaker 2 When the sun goes down, it's time to party.

Speaker 5 It's been a great day. What's the exciting event tonight? Well, for us, it's a cross-laddy, and we'll be having it in a few minutes.
Yeah, this feels right.

Speaker 21 Who can become a member?

Speaker 22 Christian? You have to be a Christian.

Speaker 5 You have to be white. What about homosexuals? Uh, no.

Speaker 2 What about hemothelia?

Speaker 5 No. Animated characters?

Speaker 23 It depends. Mickey.

Speaker 5 Good.

Speaker 2 Uh, Donald? Yes.

Speaker 5 Goofy? No.

Speaker 15 Too goofy.

Speaker 5 No, there's nothing goofy about these guys.

Speaker 5 Oh.

Speaker 5 There it is.

Speaker 16 Good lord, what a party.

Speaker 24 Ain't no cure for the summertime blues.

Speaker 5 Then you've never been to a Klan rally.

Speaker 8 The sight, the sight of beloved American symbols being attacked has become all too common in today's world.

Speaker 8 But shockingly, the battle against our iconography has now come to our very own shores, at Helm says more.

Speaker 24 The American bald eagle has long stood as a symbol for truth, liberty, and the back of money.

Speaker 25 But here in Homer, Alaska, the eagle is endangered because of how many there are.

Speaker 27 Oh my god, they're everywhere.

Speaker 26 Edgar Bailey, a biologist and Birding Magazine's only subscriber, actually wants to reduce the eagle population.

Speaker 28 They attack sandhill cranes, they attack a whole array of waterfowl, mainly ducks, as well as geese.

Speaker 28 You know, if it's going to glom onto a Labrador retriever, which is very unusual, but it obviously happens, They can glom onto a little child.

Speaker 18 Sir, may I call you an enemy of America?

Speaker 10 Uh, no.

Speaker 24 But isn't the loss of a dog or some children a small price to pay to be around such majesty?

Speaker 30 Jean Keene thinks so.

Speaker 29 She's fighting back the only way she knows how.

Speaker 26 By dumping out 400 pounds of cod parts for the birds every morning.

Speaker 31 Every place has eagles, and this kind of keeps some amount of the dump where they could get toxic stuff where they're getting the good stuff at my place.

Speaker 18 How do you thaw out that much fish?

Speaker 31 I've had barrels of fish in my house thawing out for the birds.

Speaker 3 Which is why we conducted this interview at a hotel.

Speaker 26 Do you love these eagles, or are you really just mad at fish?

Speaker 2 I love fish.

Speaker 21 Gene loves all creatures of the earth.

Speaker 30 But that's something Homer City Councilman Val McClay can't seem to understand.

Speaker 5 He's proposed an ordinance making it illegal to feed eagles. He hates the birds so much, he even carries around an eagle-bashing cane.

Speaker 33 If it comes to the point that it's either man or eagles, the eagles will have to go. Our nation was not founded on eagles.
It was founded on people.

Speaker 33 Eagles were...

Speaker 2 No, I'm sorry.

Speaker 33 It was founded on people.

Speaker 33 And our nation was founded before they

Speaker 33 determined to use the eagle as a national symbol for our nation that was founded.

Speaker 30 Maybe McClay knows a thing or two about our nation that was founded, but he clearly forgot who did the founding that was done.

Speaker 18 Homer has been blessed with a massive eagle population, and Gene is a patriot for feeding them.

Speaker 33 Then you're saying that I am not a good patriot because I don't want to feed the eagles and see how many eagles that we can survive.

Speaker 5 Bingo.

Speaker 33 And there you're wrong. How many flags do you have in your home?

Speaker 18 Are we going to get in a patriot off?

Speaker 33 Yeah, I know that I have at least eight

Speaker 33 flags in my business and in my home. Come on,

Speaker 33 give me an answer.

Speaker 18 797.

Speaker 26 Apparently, McClay doesn't understand that Eagles spread liberty from every cell phone tower, Toyota Corolla, and literally every single building in Homer.

Speaker 27 and always leave behind a fresh glaze of freedom frosting.

Speaker 25 Bailey doesn't get it either.

Speaker 28 We have hundreds where we used to have like five or six, you know, historically.

Speaker 18 Let's say you had hundreds of Ben Franklins walking around Homer eating cod and sitting on cars. Would that be a bad thing?

Speaker 28 That's your interpretation.

Speaker 19 Think about that for a minute.

Speaker 19 What could be more beautiful?

Speaker 27 Sadly, last month, McClay's ordinance passed.

Speaker 5 Come June, Bald Eagles and Homer will somehow have to find a way to get their own food.

Speaker 25 Until that day, however, Gene Keene will continue to fight for the Eagles.

Speaker 31 Being the national bird, they're a very proud bird.

Speaker 31 It just represents a lot of things: freedom and

Speaker 11 all that stuff.

Speaker 25 All that stuff indeed, Gene. All that stuff.

Speaker 5 America, America.

Speaker 5 God God shed his grace on thee

Speaker 5 and the crown thy good

Speaker 5 with forever.

Speaker 12 Stephen Tyler's national anthem angers crowd at Indianapolis 500.

Speaker 6 Fans quickly placated by room rooms going wee!

Speaker 2 Aerosmith frontman Stephen Tyler has found himself in a public relations firestorm after performing a controversial rendition of the national anthem at this Sunday's Indianapolis 500.

Speaker 13 Tyler took the stage to cries of, hey, what's British screen legend Charlotte Rampling doing here?

Speaker 7 But androgyny is not a crime, even in Indiana.

Speaker 10 So why was this national anthem so controversial?

Speaker 8 No, it wasn't the extended harmonic of preamble.

Speaker 8 baby.

Speaker 8 No,

Speaker 7 was not the mid-song freestyle scat

Speaker 8 so popular amongst colonial patriots.

Speaker 2 Here's the controversial part:

Speaker 2 and the rapid

Speaker 2 Indianapolis 500!

Speaker 1 He changed the words.

Speaker 7 Yes, Tyler's offensive rendition of the anthem was so upsetting to race fans that by the end of the song, many of the women in the crowd had pulled their shirts back down in protest.

Speaker 2 In response to the controversy, Tyler has issued a formal apology, saying, quote, I got in trouble my whole life for having a big mouth.

Speaker 7 I'm very proud to be an American and live here in the home of the brave.

Speaker 35 Adding, the deep down do love that amount!

Speaker 9 Toby Keith and Charlie Daniels, country outlaws, riding the range of lyrical controversy, carrying aloft the gigantic belt buckle of First Amendment freedom.

Speaker 11 Y'all?

Speaker 9 It appears both country musicians will not be performing on upcoming 4th of July television specials after the songs they were set to sing were deemed inappropriate by ABC and PBS.

Speaker 4 Keith was dumped by ABC because according to him, the network, specifically Peter Jennings, was uncomfortable with his song Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue, The Angry American.

Speaker 9 The country music star took a break from discussing his long-distance plan with Alf to address the issue on Wolf Blitzer Reports.

Speaker 2 And luckily for everybody, he had a guitar handy and performed the song in question.

Speaker 5 Justice will be served and the battle will rage.

Speaker 5 This big dog will fight when you rattle his cage,

Speaker 5 and you'll be sorry that you messed with the US of Aunt We'll put a boot in your ass, it's the American way.

Speaker 11 Wait, wait,

Speaker 13 wait a second.

Speaker 9 Uncle Sam, Liberty, Red, White, and Blue, Freedom, Eagle, Jingo, I've got Jingo!

Speaker 9 Jingo!

Speaker 13 I've got

Speaker 7 one of them big jokes, and then you got to go, ha ha!

Speaker 5 Well, now I have to read. All right.

Speaker 2 It should be noted that this isn't the first time Keith has been the subject of controversy.

Speaker 8 Broadcasters also banned his previous singles, These Boots Were Made for Assing.

Speaker 6 Ass, Would You Like Boot With That?

Speaker 13 And I like to put things inside people's rectums.

Speaker 9 For example, my boot.

Speaker 12 But Toby Keith is not the only singer nobody watching this show owns an album of who's in a tussle over Independence Day.

Speaker 1 65-year-old devil went down to Georgia singer Charlie Daniels has dropped out of a public television special entitled A Capital Fourth.

Speaker 7 His producers didn't want him to sing a downbeat song memorializing victims of September 11th.

Speaker 2 This is the second time Daniels has courted controversy since 9-11.

Speaker 2 The singer released an angry, some say anti-Arab song a few months back entitled This Ain't No Rag, It's a Flag, featuring the lyrics, This ain't no rag, it's a flag.

Speaker 9 We don't wear it on our heads.

Speaker 5 now now now now

Speaker 12 it sounds bad

Speaker 4 but i heard bobby short perform it at the carlisle the other night transcendent

Speaker 32 daniels also went on cable news because that's where anybody can go who has a problem to discuss the situation They want it to be a celebratory show, and you know, they don't want any mentions of anything.

Speaker 32 You know, I just think it's another

Speaker 32 case of political correctness carried to the nth degree myself.

Speaker 7 He added, it's like when they wouldn't let my buddy Wayland Jennings speak at Harvard simply because he wasn't invited.

Speaker 11 We'll be right back.

Speaker 8 A key new issue has emerged in the immigration debate. After a Spanish-language version of the national anthem was recorded last week, President Bush made his position very clear.

Speaker 24 I think the national anthem ought to be sung in English.

Speaker 7 Oh, say can you see by the Donzerly light?

Speaker 8 Not sure what a donzerly is.

Speaker 4 Perhaps I'm kind of foreign lamp.

Speaker 8 But not everyone in the White House agrees with the president.

Speaker 36 And I don't think there's anything wrong with singing it in Spanish.

Speaker 5 El acuardo.

Speaker 8 The first lady made that comment during an interview yesterday with CNN's John King. Mr.

Speaker 34 King had a follow-up.

Speaker 22 Is that an issue on which you disagree with your husband? He says it should be sung in English.

Speaker 36 Well, I think it should be sung in English, of course.

Speaker 8 I don't know what that other crazy lady was saying.

Speaker 8 Don't tell me when I said it, they'll fire me.

Speaker 8 You know, the one impression I do very well is old Jew.

Speaker 8 It's really the only one I do. But seriously, no matter what contradictory opinions you may yourself simultaneously have on the anthem issue,

Speaker 12 this anthem debate gets to the very surface of what it means to be an American.

Speaker 8 The Star-Spangled Banner, our national anthem, is special.

Speaker 12 Written in the heat of the most important war in American history, the War of 1812,

Speaker 34 when America fought Britain for control

Speaker 21 of the

Speaker 21 overture.

Speaker 34 The 1812 overture.

Speaker 5 Of course, we won!

Speaker 8 And thus we're able to use that overture in the film Bad News Bears.

Speaker 5 Oh,

Speaker 10 Tanner.

Speaker 8 The story of our national anthem is the story of a young man named Francis Scott Key who watched as the British British shelled Baltimore's Fort McKenney all night.

Speaker 8 Come daybreak, the fort was damaged, but the American flag was still there. Key set that tale to that most American of melodies, some obscure old English drinking song,

Speaker 8 creating a piece of music so powerful it took only 117 years for it to become our national anthem

Speaker 2 and the very symbol of the end.

Speaker 8 of our broadcasting day.

Speaker 8 But rather than allow this country to be torn apart apart and asunder by this unbelievably stupid controversy,

Speaker 2 I have a solution.

Speaker 8 Did you know that Francis Scott Key also wrote three other verses to that that no one ever sings?

Speaker 34 May I quote from verse number two?

Speaker 34 On the shore, dimly seen through the mists of the deep, where the foe's haughty host in dread silence reposes.

Speaker 8 Christ, that would sound better in Spanish.

Speaker 5 Or dingong.

Speaker 8 Or any other combination of syllables.

Speaker 8 And there's two more crappy verses just like that one.

Speaker 8 And so I propose keep our anthem in English and give the rest to whoever wants it.

Speaker 8 Because these immigrants are willing to sing the verses Americans don't want or won't sing.

Speaker 24 And for that I say, Muy bueno!

Speaker 5 We'll be right back.

Speaker 20 As you may or may not know, football season just started.

Speaker 23 And that's all football, both American and real, right?

Speaker 16 And so, oh, come on, it's just, oh, what are you guys? Whoa, what do you guys do? Why do you guys, what is, you know what I, what is who is

Speaker 16 So,

Speaker 39 you know, that's how you know you're in a first world country.

Speaker 37 You throw food to people that you don't like.

Speaker 23 Hey, sorry, where was I?

Speaker 16 Oh, yes.

Speaker 40 So

Speaker 39 last night, yes, last night, Monday night, football kicked off.

Speaker 20 And it's always exciting, you know, because at the start of every football season, there's always some controversy. You know, it's about concussions.
It's about teams moving cities.

Speaker 20 Someone murdered someone in the offseason, so now they're suspended for a couple games. But this season, this season, the biggest story in the NFL has come out of nowhere.

Speaker 41 Along the sidelines during last night's NFL games, Colin Kaepernick continues his national anthem protest, kneeling before his team's season-opening game last night.

Speaker 42 It happened right before the 49ers' preseason game against the Green Bay Packers, San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick, sitting alone, surrounded by teammates, as the national anthem was played.

Speaker 42 Kaepernick explaining in her interview with NFL media, I am not going to stand up to show pride in a flag for a country that oppresses black people and people of color.

Speaker 20 Yeah, that's a bold stance from Kaepernick. I will say this though, this is a great excuse for anything he does poorly on the football field from now on, you know?

Speaker 20 Because he says he's going to kneel for the anthem, but he could do anything. Like if he gets sacked or intercepted, people are like, Kaepernick, you suck!

Speaker 23 And he could be like, no, actually, this was also a protest.

Speaker 23 How can I move the ball forward when my people are being held back?

Speaker 38 And if if by protesting the anthem Kaepernick called the play, well then over the past month a lot of people are running it.

Speaker 44 The NFL protests now having a trickle-down effect. In South New Jersey, a group of high school players on the Woodrow Wilson Tigers knelt during a rendition of the national anthem this weekend too.

Speaker 42 U.S.

Speaker 45 soccer star Megan Rapinoy joined Kaepernick kneeling, saying she also wants to spark meaningful conversation.

Speaker 44 Several members of the Miami Dolphins took a knee while holding hands over their hearts.

Speaker 46 For Seattle, all all 53 players locking arms. Marcus Peters had kind of a double moment.
He linked arms with his teammates during the anthem to show unity with them, but also raised his fist.

Speaker 20 Now, look, I know that player seems militant, but you must understand the reason he had his fist up because there was no one to his right.

Speaker 20 Everyone's linking arms, and so if you don't have anyone to link arms with, you raise your right arm.

Speaker 23 That's just, that's just what you do. Or is that just a black thing? No?

Speaker 10 That's...

Speaker 23 I thought every, sorry, I thought everyone did that. I thought it was just like we learned that from Superman.
Isn't that where we got it from? Yeah, that's what he does.

Speaker 20 That's what, no, just me?

Speaker 5 Yeah?

Speaker 20 I feel like if Superman was a black man, he gets shot at a lot more.

Speaker 23 It would just be...

Speaker 23 Well, look in the sky. It's a n ⁇ .

Speaker 40 Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang!

Speaker 5 Bang!

Speaker 43 Bang!

Speaker 40 He was doing the salute.

Speaker 43 No, he was flying.

Speaker 23 Anyway, now, lots of people already hate it when quarterbacks take a knee, but with Kaepernick, people were especially mad.

Speaker 45 Mr. Kaepernick's behavior regarding the police is disgraceful.

Speaker 47 And when Colin Kaepernick sits down and does not respect the flag, the same flag that draped the coffin of my father, a World War II veteran, I do take umbrage with that. You are an overpaid athlete.

Speaker 47 The next time some overpaid entertainer or athlete or politician stands up and says, boo-hoo, people are mean to me because of X, Y, and Z, laugh in their face, including this guy.

Speaker 20 You're so tough in the studio.

Speaker 20 You want to laugh in the face of this six foot four,

Speaker 37 230 pound professional? Laugh in his face.

Speaker 23 And I love how he's telling other people to do it. Yeah, you guys must laugh in his face when you see him.

Speaker 38 Not me. I'm just telling you to do it.

Speaker 40 But let's address this real quick.

Speaker 20 Every time an athlete or celebrity gets into a scandal, there's an endless amount of people always saying, hey, people look up to you.

Speaker 11 You're not just an athlete, you're a role model.

Speaker 39 Use your fame to make a difference.

Speaker 6 But then as soon as one of those athletes stands up and says, hey, I believe in something, all of a sudden people go, hey, shut up.

Speaker 43 We don't pay you to think.

Speaker 37 Just play your silly game.

Speaker 43 Move on. What do you think you are? A role model? Come on.

Speaker 38 And guys, some of the reactions have been so extreme.

Speaker 48 Some 49ers fans burned his jersey and they put that on social media.

Speaker 39 You're burning his jersey?

Speaker 40 I do not get this because you realize you have to buy the jersey to burn the jersey

Speaker 38 Like in other countries, they just make an effigy of the thing that they hate this guy is buying the actual jersey.

Speaker 23 That's like a hundred bucks that he's spending at night.

Speaker 37 His kids are like mommy, why don't we have any food tonight?

Speaker 38 Because daddy wanted to make a point.

Speaker 15 That's why. That's why.

Speaker 6 Seriously, look at all of these jokers burning these jerseys.

Speaker 15 Look at these people.

Speaker 23 This is my favorite. Look at his hand getting burnt.
Look at him.

Speaker 23 Yeah, I love that.

Speaker 39 Because you know what I love about fire?

Speaker 20 You think because you lit the fire, it's on your side, but it's not.

Speaker 39 No, the fire is doing its own thing.

Speaker 37 You're like, this is my patriotic fire.

Speaker 23 It's like the fire's like, nah, man, I'm bipartisan.

Speaker 2 I'm not with you.

Speaker 23 Oh, and by the way, here's another thing.

Speaker 38 Kaepernick's red number seven is now the top-selling jersey in the NFL.

Speaker 23 Yeah, the top-selling jersey in the NFL.

Speaker 1 That's a big thing. That is a big thing.

Speaker 5 And don't think, don't think that the league hasn't noticed because they've actually started selling this is insane they've started selling these jerseys now these special edition flammable Kaepernick jerseys look at this this is them furious fun for the whole family this is what they say yeah I can't this is the scariest of all warning please do not burn while wearing that's a weird warning

Speaker 38 That's a weird warning to give the people.

Speaker 20 So anyway, so Kaepernick has been very clear about why he's protesting during the national anthem.

Speaker 6 But shirt burners and others, well, they took away a different message.

Speaker 46 Here's a guy that is showing complete disrespect for the lives lost by our troops.

Speaker 47 He should give a humble apology to this country and to the men and women who serve.

Speaker 49 For the troops that are serving as well as those that have died for,

Speaker 49 you know, to protect this nation, I think it's disrespectful.

Speaker 48 We're going to honor America and our veterans, and I think they should enforce that.

Speaker 20 Yeah, that's right, Kaepernick. You better apologize to the troops.
But before you do, maybe we should ask some of the troops how they feel.

Speaker 8 Kaepernick is getting some support from those in the military under the hashtag VeteransForKaepernick.

Speaker 47 I support Colin Kaepernick and his right.

Speaker 45 That is a right that I fought for, and many Americans did. And it's what makes America great.

Speaker 51 You have military vets like myself who don't feel disrespected because we understand exactly what Kaepernick is saying and why he is protesting.

Speaker 43 I'm sorry, what? How dare you?

Speaker 39 How dare the troops speak for themselves?

Speaker 37 Don't they know how hard they are fighting to protect their freedom to insult themselves?

Speaker 43 Because freedom and the troops and the...

Speaker 43 I don't know, man. I'm just angry.

Speaker 40 And look, guys, I hear you.

Speaker 20 It can be upsetting when athletes start involving their politics in a sport you enjoy. But the truth is, sport and protest have been intertwined for a very long time.

Speaker 20 Sometimes, while it's happening, you're unable to appreciate its impact because of the heat of the moment.

Speaker 20 But don't forget, Muhammad Ali, he was banned from boxing because he resisted the draft to protest the Vietnam War. And only later did America recognize his courage.

Speaker 38 So Colin Kaepernick could be the Muhammad Ali of this generation.

Speaker 20 you know i mean except for the achievements and the talent and stuff but he could still be and obviously muhammad Ali is different because he was a boxer, and boxing is one of the world's greatest sports.

Speaker 23 And Khan Kaepernick plays some pretend football, which is not even like real football, because real football is the only game that

Speaker 35 you guys, you can't silence me.

Speaker 16 You can't. Oh, really?

Speaker 5 Really?

Speaker 5 Really?

Speaker 5 Really?

Speaker 20 A jockstrap?

Speaker 23 You need more than one jockstrap to spoil my day, America. That's.

Speaker 23 We'll be right back.

Speaker 24 It's award season in Hollywood, so let's get all the latest in another edition of Who Won It Best.

Speaker 17 Welcome to Who Won It Best, where the only thing better than an award show is talking about an award show.

Speaker 17 And tonight, we're covering all the glitz and glam and hot goss from America's greatest award show.

Speaker 52 Welcome to Fox Nation and the sixth annual Patriot Awards.

Speaker 17 That's right, the Fox Nation Patriot Awards, the very real award show where Fox honors the patriots brave enough to share a room with Jesse Waters.

Speaker 50 It's like the Oscars for people who want to firebomb the Oscars.

Speaker 50 And who better to lead it than the master race of ceremonies himself, Sean Hannity?

Speaker 53 Little bit of a wardrobe change if you haven't noticed. Long as I'm going to be called garbage, I might as well wear the garbage vest, right?

Speaker 50 Oh man, my ribs still hurt from laughing.

Speaker 50 Also, Pete Hexeth punched me in the stomach.

Speaker 5 He's so fun.

Speaker 50 He's so fun.

Speaker 5 He's so fun.

Speaker 50 And as you can probably guess, the world's biggest stars came out for the Fox Nation Patriot Awards. Everyone from Kurt Cameron, Lee Greenwood.

Speaker 17 Then there was the biggest celebrity surprise of all.

Speaker 49 Now, I want you guys to stay right here because we have a special surprise for you.

Speaker 53 Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the CEO of Patriot Mobile, Glenn Story.

Speaker 5 Yes! Yes, Glenn!

Speaker 50 Glenn Story!

Speaker 54 we're America's only Christian conservative cell phone service provider.

Speaker 5 Glenn,

Speaker 5 Glenn Story,

Speaker 17 so great.

Speaker 50 Can you believe they got Glenn Story out Patriot Mobile?

Speaker 5 No! Oh my god!

Speaker 17 You know, some cell phone companies have 5G, Patriot Mobile has 1G.

Speaker 5 God.

Speaker 50 But let's get to the winners. One of them was an actor and former actor Kurt Cameron.

Speaker 50 He won a Patriot Award for his conservative children's books, like this one about a fable zoo animal.

Speaker 17 Scott, he is, isn't he?

Speaker 50 Who is his trainer? I want his number.

Speaker 50 Let's take a listen to his inspiring acceptance speech.

Speaker 24 There's such a wind of hope and optimism in the air and people can smell the fragrance of freedom.

Speaker 50 The fragrance of freedom. Sweetie, you're at an event with Fox News anchors.
That's just chloroform.

Speaker 17 Speaking of being knocked out, look at that trophy. Let's learn more about the exquisite design of the Patriot Award.

Speaker 52 This year's award has a commemorative stripe in the middle of it. It's made of steel recovered from 9-11.
And the World Trade Center Towers housed that, and now it's part of this medal.

Speaker 5 Wow,

Speaker 5 wow,

Speaker 15 wow.

Speaker 50 Beautiful, beautiful 9-11 steel. Sir, a second Patriot Award has just hit your trophy case.

Speaker 17 Troy, I didn't realize 9-11 steel was available for purchase.

Speaker 50 Oh, definitely. When I got my Invisalign, I had my Orthodontist Youth 9-11 Steel on the retainer.
Oh!

Speaker 50 Do you wear it at night? I never forget.

Speaker 17 You know, the big question was, who would win the Patriot of the Year,

Speaker 17 the night's most coveted award, a three-star general, a courageous police officer, the Hop Tua girl?

Speaker 5 No.

Speaker 5 No.

Speaker 17 No, Donald Trump.

Speaker 5 Donald Trump.

Speaker 17 Obviously, going to be Donald Trump.

Speaker 50 And get this. His acceptance speech was 12 minutes long.
Impressive.

Speaker 40 Wow.

Speaker 50 Eat shit, Halle Berry.

Speaker 5 This is quite a group.

Speaker 54 I have so many friends sitting there. You have incredible people at Fox.
You have incredible people at every level of Fox. No day off, no play,

Speaker 54 no golf, no nothing. I didn't spoke with Canada

Speaker 54 and

Speaker 54 Justin came flying and I looked over. Well, that chart showed we had the best immigration, the lowest number of people, and made America great again.

Speaker 17 The band simply won't play him off because he is too captivating.

Speaker 17 Also, he'll sick the FBI on their families.

Speaker 5 Isn't that fun? So fun.

Speaker 40 So fun.

Speaker 50 So fun.

Speaker 17 By the way, Troy, did you get your fabulous Patriot Award swag best?

Speaker 50 Yes, I did. It's a bottle of surplus Infowars prostate support.

Speaker 5 Yum. Oh!

Speaker 17 What I wouldn't give to have a prostate right now.

Speaker 40 So fun.

Speaker 5 I bet. I bet it is.

Speaker 17 Anyway, those are all the highlights from the 2024 Fox Nation Patriot Awards. I can't wait to see what they have in store next year.

Speaker 50 How are they going to top Glenn's story from Patriot Mobile?

Speaker 17 They won't.

Speaker 35 Shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching The Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts.

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Speaker 1 This has been a Comedy Central podcast.