TDS Time Machine | Canada Day

Speaker 1 You're listening to Comedy Central.

Speaker 2 Breaking news out of,

Speaker 3 yeah, that's right, Canada.

Speaker 5 Just into the news deck, the Crack Smoking Mayor of Toronto has just done it again.

Speaker 6 Which brings us to our brand new segment.

Speaker 7 This just in the Crack Smoking Mayor of Toronto has just done it again.

Speaker 7 so apparently

Speaker 7 the crack-smoking mayor of Toronto

Speaker 9 has done it again

Speaker 9 here's the sentence I'm assuming does not follow that sentence save the day

Speaker 10 the hours-long city council meeting deteriorated into a spectacle

Speaker 10 mayor Rob Ford at one point started started mocking a council member suspected of driving drunk.

Speaker 12 Mayor Ford, please stop disrupting.

Speaker 10 Amid the chaos, Mayor Ford nearly knocked a councilwoman to the ground as he ran across the room.

Speaker 11 The poor woman, the poor councilman.

Speaker 9 You know she got into politics thinking, you know, this may be a dirty, unrewarding business, but at least I'll never have to worry about going to work and being trampled by a crackhead.

Speaker 9 And there's a reason Rob Ford may have been worked up by that particular city council meeting.

Speaker 5 The city council in Toronto has just begun debating a measure that would strip its crack-smoking mayor of most of his powers.

Speaker 5 Wait.

Speaker 11 Smoking crack gives you powers?

Speaker 11 Are those powers an unquenchable thirst for crack?

Speaker 3 But oddly, in Mayor Ford's case, with great powers, come very little responsibility.

Speaker 6 So, how did the council's attempt to strip Mayor Rob Ford of his powers turn out?

Speaker 5 Ford went down 36 votes to five.

Speaker 8 Five votes.

Speaker 14 Who voted to continue to give this man

Speaker 17 power?

Speaker 3 I imagine he must have given a very impassioned defense.

Speaker 5 His answer? This,

Speaker 19 folks, reminds me of when,

Speaker 20 and I was watching with my brother

Speaker 21 when Saddam attacked Kuwait.

Speaker 22 You guys have just attacked Kuwait.

Speaker 18 And you will never...

Speaker 7 Saddam Hussein, attacking Kuwait. Look,

Speaker 9 the reference may be dated,

Speaker 9 but in Rob Ford's defense, it may be one of the last things he remembers.

Speaker 7 Let me tell you something.

Speaker 7 I know there was an invasion of Kuwait, and the next thing I know, I woke up, I was the mayor.

Speaker 8 I don't know how.

Speaker 9 Well, the vote yesterday capped off a hell of a couple of days for Rob Ford, including an interview with CNN where he surrounded himself with school children and then said this.

Speaker 18 I just had enough. I was sick and tired of all these allegations and all this

Speaker 18 shouldn't excuse my words. And that's all it is.
Sorry, kids. I shouldn't have sworn in front of the kids.

Speaker 14 I just say, you know,

Speaker 9 I just, I just, I shouldn't have done that. I shouldn't have done that.
I feel like for doing that. Ah, Jesus, that's another, that's another up right there.
Oh, what did I do just there?

Speaker 9 I just said it again.

Speaker 14 F me. No, that's bad.
Shouldn't have said that. I'm such a punter.
Oh, what am I doing right in the middle of the kids?

Speaker 9 But Rob Ford is not in denial,

Speaker 6 says Rob Ford.

Speaker 11 He knows he's not perfect.

Speaker 18 This is the thing. I don't look at myself as the mayor.
I look at myself as just a normal, regular person.

Speaker 8 Then go back to being one.

Speaker 8 Be gone.

Speaker 8 Amazingly,

Speaker 6 after all this, Rob Ford does have a few supporters left in Toronto.

Speaker 15 We sent our own Jessica Williams up to talk to a few of them.

Speaker 12 Toronto's mayor, Rob Ford, has provided the world with a series of incredible political highlights.

Speaker 19 Olivia Gonduck says that I wanted to eat her finger Olivia Gonduck. I've never said that in my life to her.
I would never do that. I'm happily married.
I've got more than enough to eat at home.

Speaker 25 I'll work this f ⁇ ing photo.

Speaker 15 Have you purchased illegal drugs in the last two years?

Speaker 18 Yes, I have.

Speaker 12 And recently, in a response to his egregious behavior, the City Council of Toronto voted 36 to 5 to ask Rob Ford to leave City Hall.

Speaker 12 So I went to Toronto to see who the hell were these five people and why they didn't just dump the mayor outright. He smoked crack, right?

Speaker 26 That's what he's told us.

Speaker 12 And he's talked about eating

Speaker 12 at a press conference, right?

Speaker 26 I didn't hear that comment live, but the recorded version I heard had one of those words bleeped out.

Speaker 27 Oh, it was f.

Speaker 12 He definitely said.

Speaker 26 I think they just bleeped it out again.

Speaker 12 So why did you vote against that motion? Were you on crack as well?

Speaker 26 Well, if you look at the motion in its parts, it invites him to leave. That's the good part.
But then it invites him to come back. That's the part I couldn't tolerate.

Speaker 12 Oh, so the motion wasn't harsh enough for Parker, but he did have another way to punish the mayor.

Speaker 26 Some of us thought that the conduct of the mayor might well be brought before the Integrity Commissioner and asked her to report with her comments and her advice.

Speaker 12 Do you guys also have an obvious commissioner at Get the Out Council?

Speaker 26 Well, we didn't think we would need anything of the sort.

Speaker 12 See, in America, we have a ton of experience with this kind of thing, but Toronto is truly incapable of dealing with ass.

Speaker 26 We have an election coming up next fall and we'll see what happens then.

Speaker 12 Next fall, in 2014?

Speaker 4 2014.

Speaker 12 What is wrong with the system here?

Speaker 26 Well, some people here call it democracy.

Speaker 12 Oh, no, it's more like a pussocracy. Nobody has the balls to do something around here.

Speaker 26 Well, I never thought of it in quite those terms.

Speaker 12 But how could this guy get re-elected? Who in their right mind are the almost 25% of Torontonians who still support him?

Speaker 18 He's doing a great job.

Speaker 28 Rob Ford is the most fiscally responsible mayor we've had in our city since I've been alive.

Speaker 29 Everything he said he's going to do, he's got done.

Speaker 12 Was it weird to say responsible and Rob Ford in the same sentence just now?

Speaker 28 Absolutely not.

Speaker 12 How much is too much crack for Rob Ford to smoke where you would have an issue?

Speaker 29 It'd have to be where it affects his performance on his job. Hold out your hand.

Speaker 12 Is this too much crack?

Speaker 28 Absolutely not.

Speaker 12 Is this too much crack?

Speaker 18 Uh, nope.

Speaker 12 How about this? Is this too much crack?

Speaker 28 I think that would be enough.

Speaker 12 So there is a line between a functioning mayor and a problem.

Speaker 12 Let's see if he can tell the difference between his mayor and, oh, let's say Charlie Sheen I am a sick mother dude Charlie Sheen wrong that's Rob Ford

Speaker 18 Wow yeah here's another one

Speaker 12 yes I have smoked crack cocaine but am I an addict no have I tried it probably in one of my drunken stupors that is definitely Rob Ford yeah that was a giveaway that was an easy one I don't have time for these clowns I don't have time for their judgment and their stupidity Rob Ford nope that's Charlie Sheen really that sounds like a Rob Ford Yeah, I know.

Speaker 12 They're so similar. So people would still vote for Rob Ford.
Is it maybe because his behavior is not unusual in Toronto workplaces? Hi, what can I get you?

Speaker 15 Can I get a soy latte, please? Yeah.

Speaker 8 Are you smoking crack?

Speaker 30 Yes.

Speaker 12 This is the most annoyingly polite place on earth. And then he said I wanted to suck his.

Speaker 12 I've never said that in my life. I would never do that.
I've got more than enough to suck at home.

Speaker 12 And no one confronted me about my Ford-like approach to work. Maybe this city deserves its mayor.

Speaker 29 I think he's made mistakes in the past, but I don't believe we should hold that against him forever.

Speaker 12 So re-elect Rob Ford, the hood rat stuff's in the past.

Speaker 29 I believe the hood rat stuff's in the past.

Speaker 12 So re-elect Rob Ford, that hood rat in the past.

Speaker 32 The financial crash of 2008 brought a new focus on the behavior of Wall Street. But what happened to the regulations that were promised in its wake?

Speaker 33 The largest financial institutions have been doing everything they can to make sure that financial regulations don't get put in place.

Speaker 32 And that's exactly the way it should be, according to champions of the free market, men like hedge fund manager John Tobacco.

Speaker 34 We don't need these socialist forms of regulation, the Elizabeth Warrens of the world coming down and sticking their little fingers and micromanaging the capital markets.

Speaker 32 So if those women came down with their little hands, what would we wind up looking like?

Speaker 34 We'd start looking a hell of a lot more like Canada.

Speaker 32 And nobody wants that. I should know.
I'm from Canada.

Speaker 32 A horrific country where the financial system is heavily regulated by a centralized government office that sets rules on almost every type of transaction.

Speaker 32 I reluctantly traveled back to Toronto and sat down with the CEO of Canada's eighth largest bank to hear his tales of woe about over-regulation.

Speaker 35 The model of regulation we have had in this country has been a huge contributor to the stability of the banking system and the stability of our economy.

Speaker 32 But regulation doesn't work.

Speaker 35 It definitely slows things down a little bit, but the Canadian banking system has not had a crash in 150 years or even longer.

Speaker 4 Housing crash?

Speaker 35 Absolutely not.

Speaker 3 The internet internet bubble?

Speaker 35 There was a couple stocks maybe that went down, but no, no.

Speaker 3 Market crash of 87.

Speaker 35 Market crash in 87. I don't think it was one that certainly affected the banking system.

Speaker 32 What about the Great Depression?

Speaker 35 No, our banking system persevered through the Great Depression as well.

Speaker 32 A ridiculous claim substantiated by nothing more than facts.

Speaker 32 But a real capitalist would know that's not the point.

Speaker 34 The American financial system is the last bastion of free market capitalism in the world. It's the greatest greatest system the world has ever known.

Speaker 15 Well, what about the statistical evidence that shows otherwise?

Speaker 36 What's statistical evidence?

Speaker 21 Well, since 1790, the U.S. has had 16 banking crises and Canada has had zero.

Speaker 34 There have been bubbles and bursts in the U.S., but if you're educated and you're prepared, you should be able to profit.

Speaker 38 You see, these bubbles and bursts are just a bit of harmless free market fun.

Speaker 35 There's nothing fun about people's

Speaker 35 house losing 50% of their value.

Speaker 32 But you can make money off that busting.

Speaker 35 There are some people,

Speaker 35 a very few amount of people, who can make money. But the rest of them, f ⁇ ing them.

Speaker 15 Who cares?

Speaker 21 Are you serious?

Speaker 15 I would never, ever say that.

Speaker 36 Why not?

Speaker 36 F them.

Speaker 35 It's an outrageous thing to say.

Speaker 16 Screw them?

Speaker 35 No.

Speaker 17 Oh my God.

Speaker 32 Somebody please teach these people how to bank.

Speaker 34 We have a lot of products here in the U.S. that the Canadians can take a hint from.
Like, for example, collateralized mortgage obligations.

Speaker 34 Although we went overboard with them, it's still a product that worked.

Speaker 20 Do you guys do over-under inside-outside loans?

Speaker 35 No, never heard of those.

Speaker 3 It's a reverse shrinking derivative.

Speaker 35 Okay.

Speaker 35 Still never heard of it.

Speaker 32 Unlike Americans, average Canadians have been denied these financial instruments, leaving them confused about what a banker really is.

Speaker 20 When I say the word banker, what comes to mind?

Speaker 34 Trustworthy,

Speaker 34 considerate.

Speaker 20 When I say the word banker, what comes to mind?

Speaker 8 Cockroaches.

Speaker 15 Greedy little pricks.

Speaker 29 They're just like an extension of my family.

Speaker 31 Fleafy, disrespectful, reliable.

Speaker 34 Backstabbing. Transparent.
Money-grubbing.

Speaker 31 I love Canadian banks.

Speaker 34 They're pieces of.

Speaker 20 That's what they are.

Speaker 38 And that is the real problem with regulation.

Speaker 38 It attacks the proud, rich culture of the banker, an exciting lifestyle of offensive wealth that, sadly, in some parts of the world, has already been lost.

Speaker 35 We have fun out here. We have fun.

Speaker 32 No, you don't.

Speaker 8 We do.

Speaker 3 Prove to me that you are fun.

Speaker 35 Well, put on the spot, I guess I could tell you a joke.

Speaker 23 So tell me a joke then.

Speaker 35 So a duck walks into a pharmacy and he asks for some chapstick. And when he goes to pay, he says, put it on my bill.

Speaker 35 it's not a joke

Speaker 34 what's the difference between jelly and jam i don't know you can't jelly a in a girl's mouth

Speaker 21 zing

Speaker 32 and you can't jam regulation down a country's throat because to do so would be to undermine our nation's entire financial philosophy finish this great american banking mantra greed is

Speaker 8 bad greed is

Speaker 35 dangerous.

Speaker 15 Okay. I guess Canadian Wall Street version is a little different.

Speaker 38 So, America, you can have regulation, but only if you're prepared to live in a world that looks like this.

Speaker 41 The point is, ladies and gentlemen, that greed,

Speaker 41 for lack of a better word, is not good.

Speaker 41 Greed is wrong.

Speaker 18 Greed is not a quality that people look for in their bankers, eh?

Speaker 41 Thank you very much.

Speaker 37 Good speech, Gordon.

Speaker 29 A way to be ethical, pal.

Speaker 38 Oh, Canada, I'm so glad I left you.

Speaker 38 Immigration!

Speaker 2 Immigration is an enormous issue in this country, but we're not the only country dealing with it.

Speaker 29 Dan Bocketall reports.

Speaker 42 Mexicans, they're tearing America apart. And they've gotten so good at country tearing, they're taking it up north.

Speaker 39 Paul Fromm, founder of the Canada First Immigration Reform Committee, knows the danger.

Speaker 8 I mean, we're being invaded.

Speaker 36 In fact, what we suspect is happening is that large numbers of Mexicans will

Speaker 36 Hispanicize Canadian culture.

Speaker 43 Right, Canadian culture.

Speaker 44 And that's terrible because that is

Speaker 15 what is that exactly?

Speaker 42 And all of that culture is at risk.

Speaker 44 Who is to blame?

Speaker 43 Besides the Mexicans.

Speaker 36 Government policy, which wants to replace our population, greedy businessmen, and

Speaker 36 of course, immigration lawyers who make a bucketload of money off consulting.

Speaker 42 Immigration lawyers like David Rosenblatt, who's part of a nationwide movement encouraging this Hispanicization.

Speaker 24 There aren't enough Canadians to satisfy the jobs that are here.

Speaker 44 Why don't you just create new people that are already Canadians?

Speaker 24 It's just not a viable solution.

Speaker 43 So you're hoping that these Mexicans will screw the women that Canadians aren't willing to screw?

Speaker 15 I didn't quite say that.

Speaker 45 Canadians are very

Speaker 15 active sexually.

Speaker 24 Got a lot of very good-looking people.

Speaker 46 But on a scale of...

Speaker 4 Pam Anderson's Canadian.

Speaker 44 Who else besides Pam Anderson?

Speaker 24 There are just lots, lots, and lots.

Speaker 24 I could go on and on.

Speaker 4 Go on and on.

Speaker 39 But he can't name any because he's too busy turning Canada into a Mexican-filled piñata.

Speaker 43 Let's say I'm a Canadian and a Mexican moves in next door. What can I expect?

Speaker 36 Well, it would probably depend on the type of Mexican you've got.

Speaker 44 Let's say it's your typical Mexican.

Speaker 36 You'll get their particular lifestyle. The loud cars,

Speaker 36 the yard not taken care of in quite the same tidy little way

Speaker 36 an Italian or Anglo-Saxon might do. They won't take any direction.
Put your litter in the garbage or don't urinate here or whatever.

Speaker 42 Still think these urine-happy job thieves aren't a problem?

Speaker 39 Well, meet Exhibit A in Canada's immigration job fleecing crisis.

Speaker 40 Rafi Torres.

Speaker 42 He's the most feared kind of professional hockey player. Mexican.

Speaker 43 How did you cross the border into Canada?

Speaker 24 I didn't really have to cross the border.

Speaker 24 My dad was all across him

Speaker 24 when he was 25.

Speaker 43 Oh. Well then I guess we won't be needing your services today.

Speaker 15 No, you don't have to. That was to you.

Speaker 4 You can go. Okay.

Speaker 42 But soon all Canadians will need translators, thanks to Senor Rosenblatt.

Speaker 15 So why Mexicans?

Speaker 43 I mean,

Speaker 43 I know why you're not taking Americans, because America kicks ass and nobody wants to leave.

Speaker 8 But why Mexicans?

Speaker 24 First of all, let me tell you, we do get contacted by a lot of Americans. And we are interested in bringing up Americans.

Speaker 24 If there are any Americans that do want to come to Canada, we have

Speaker 4 to

Speaker 24 say to take Americans.

Speaker 15 That's a lot of occasions.

Speaker 43 There are no jobs. There's no Americans interested in coming up here.

Speaker 39 As Mexicans continue to Hispanicize the Canadian landscape, there looms an even greater threat.

Speaker 36 Mexicans will use

Speaker 36 Canada as a launching point for a backdoor

Speaker 36 invasion of the United States.

Speaker 43 Right, so they're going to go up into Canada and then pull the shocker on us.

Speaker 36 Yeah, because the border is still pretty

Speaker 36 porous.

Speaker 43 Yeah, and if you don't know it's coming, it hurts, right?

Speaker 36 It's going to be very messy.

Speaker 46 In the end, there's only one way to save Canada.

Speaker 15 Stand up to these Mexicans.

Speaker 23 So good luck, Canada.

Speaker 3 Now, the uncertainty surrounding the Ukrainian election may indeed make our own election aftermath seem quite peaceful.

Speaker 3 But as President Bush sets his agenda for the next four years, he may find himself governing an entirely different country.

Speaker 4 Samantha B has more.

Speaker 31 The re-election of George Bush has further cemented conservative control of this country.

Speaker 31 The Republican victory has brought Canada back in the news, with many convinced that life would be better on the other side of the border. People like Marta Scob.

Speaker 22 I am a Canadian Conservative and I want to move to America.

Speaker 31 Yes, with its tolerant society, low crime rate, and free health care, Canada is a hell on earth for people like Marta. What's the main reason that you want to take off from the Great White North?

Speaker 22 We're weak.

Speaker 8 Boring?

Speaker 22 The bland leading the bland.

Speaker 31 Vanilla.

Speaker 26 Vanilla.

Speaker 22 All right.

Speaker 22 As I said, bland. I'm often asked whether.

Speaker 17 White bread.

Speaker 17 All right.

Speaker 22 Bland whitebread

Speaker 45 Marta is far from alone Mark Graham is another conservative Canadian who says he'd make a good American I look at myself as an intellectual say intellectual I'm a little sophisticated I'm very sophisticated actually I associate with in the U.S.

Speaker 45 you would consider them NASCAR fans.

Speaker 31 But does America need more cultural sophisticates? And are these Canadians conservative enough?

Speaker 31 Okay, mini-citizenship test. Tell me whether you want more or less of each item.

Speaker 17 Government. Less.

Speaker 46 Guns.

Speaker 16 More. A lot more.

Speaker 39 Big guns.

Speaker 31 Gaze.

Speaker 22 I guess I'll have to go with less.

Speaker 46 God.

Speaker 16 More.

Speaker 31 Grizzlies.

Speaker 21 Do you say grizzlies?

Speaker 35 More.

Speaker 31 Go portions.

Speaker 45 Less, none.

Speaker 31 And the most important question. How much do you hate the French?

Speaker 22 Can I tell you a secret, Samantha?

Speaker 31 Please.

Speaker 22 For a long, long time,

Speaker 22 I have worn poison as my signature perfume.

Speaker 17 So

Speaker 22 I am about...

Speaker 22 I've been looking for a replacement

Speaker 22 because I don't buy French goods anymore.

Speaker 22 Okay.

Speaker 31 With heartland values like these, the Canadians should be welcomed by their conservative counterparts in the USA.

Speaker 15 Stay home, fix your own problems in your own country.

Speaker 31 Except that American conservatives don't like immigrants.

Speaker 16 Right now we need to shut the border down.

Speaker 37 The northern border, the southern border, and the coast.

Speaker 31 Is it bad even for Canadians to come here? Most of them aren't even brown or anything.

Speaker 8 If we did what they do, we would all be in jail.

Speaker 34 But no, they can get away with it. They are invaders.

Speaker 31 You seem really angry and upset about this.

Speaker 16 Well, no, I'm always like this.

Speaker 31 We spoke to an American conservative about Canadian conservatives who want to move to the U.S., and his message was clear:

Speaker 31 go blow yourself.

Speaker 17 Uh

Speaker 17 F off.

Speaker 17 Fox.

Speaker 31 As for Mark Graham, he's still optimistic he'll find a home south of the border.

Speaker 45 But, you know, I think I'd be welcomed with open arms in the U.S. by like-minded people.

Speaker 16 You are so sweet.

Speaker 16 Doot.

Speaker 8 Oh, you are sweet, Mark.

Speaker 31 But lose the beret. In the red states, they'll think it's a little French and frankly, a little faggy.

Speaker 25 I'm sorry?

Speaker 15 Our insatiable thirst for oil has forced us to do business with some of the world's most dangerous regimes.

Speaker 3 It turns out the most dangerous, maybe closer than we think, Waitsenak has more.

Speaker 30 We've been told time and time again we must get off foreign oil. America's dependence on oil is one of the most most serious threats that our nation has faced.

Speaker 23 This dependence leaves us more vulnerable to hostile regimes and to terrorists.

Speaker 30 But if we're going to get serious we must examine the players particularly the biggest most dangerous player of all.

Speaker 46 Right now our leading supplier of imported oil is Canada.

Speaker 8 That's right.

Speaker 18 It's Canada.

Speaker 46 It gives us about 2 million barrels of oil a day, which is about twice as much as we're currently getting from Saudi Arabia.

Speaker 18 Canada. I knew it.

Speaker 30 For too long, we've cozied up to their dictators, opened our borders to their most heinous operatives, and ignored their institutional brutality again

Speaker 30 and again.

Speaker 34 And oh, that's gotta hurt.

Speaker 30 Yes, bit by bit, Canada is killing us.

Speaker 30 I flew to the oil fields of Alberta to confront our Canadian oil verlords. Would you prefer that I call you Sheikh or Warlord or your lordship?

Speaker 20 I'm senior vice president, but I mean, you can just call me Drew.

Speaker 30 Would you agree that Canada is a blood and oil-soaked raptocracy?

Speaker 40 Oh, no.

Speaker 20 Canada's a very welcoming, warm country. There's no reason we can't continue to be great neighbors.

Speaker 30 Such arrogance. And worse, it's American companies that are keeping these oil barons in business.
Someone had to send them a message.

Speaker 18 First question.

Speaker 18 Wow, these

Speaker 30 are a mess.

Speaker 18 Right, Evil Canada.

Speaker 15 We've been doing business with Canada for many years. We may have small differences, but we're really cut from the same cloth.

Speaker 4 So you're okay with Canada? Canada's fine.

Speaker 30 Well, what would you do if your daughter had her health care paid for by the government?

Speaker 42 As a father, how could you live with yourself?

Speaker 20 I could live with that.

Speaker 24 And you call yourself an American. You disgust me, sir.

Speaker 24 Also, do you have some Kleenex?

Speaker 4 Because I am starting to congeal a little bit here.

Speaker 30 Sure, the propaganda sounds great. Until you talk to those who've managed to escape the evil Maple regime.
So you're Canadian refugees.

Speaker 8 Uh, yeah, we're originally from Trump.

Speaker 20 Yeah, born and restrained.

Speaker 18 Who lives? leaves.

Speaker 30 What was it like living in that repressive regime?

Speaker 8 Ooh, what's uh

Speaker 4 what's this show all about?

Speaker 31 Yeah, what is it about?

Speaker 30 It's it's the daily show with Jon Stewart.

Speaker 25 Oh

Speaker 21 that's a show they make you look silly on making you look stupid, right? Yeah, we're just a bunch of Canadian hoses.

Speaker 8 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, take off, eh?

Speaker 31 Go home, Yankee.

Speaker 8 Yeah, eh? Pool leaves, go!

Speaker 30 I felt that same anger on the Canadian street, where America has become the scapegoat for all of Canada's problems. Why are you angry at America?

Speaker 34 A lot of reasons. Number one,

Speaker 3 Vancouver Canucks. We want the Nordique back.

Speaker 15 You took the Winnipeg Jets. That was a little bit too much.
Golifsko.

Speaker 34 You a hockey fan?

Speaker 18 No, I'm American.

Speaker 30 Just as terrorists are taught around the world, here a new generation of Canucko fascists are being trained to hate. Clearly, it's just a matter of time before they strike.

Speaker 46 I think they're more afraid of us than we are of them, to be honest.

Speaker 30 So you're saying we should invade Canada before Canada invades us?

Speaker 17 I don't think...

Speaker 28 That's all I need. Right there, yes.

Speaker 30 As Americans, we simply have no other choice.

Speaker 20 Americans have a choice, a personal choice. Every individual has a choice to use fossil fuels or not.

Speaker 30 Done. All right, easy.
We'll stop using your oil.

Speaker 20 Let me give you an example of what that might mean, though. Obvious transportation means would have to change.

Speaker 20 Your cell phone, video games, MP3 players, your iPad, all these things are made from a petrochemical or petroleum-based products.

Speaker 17 What about internet porn?

Speaker 20 That would be gone.

Speaker 27 I was beginning to see petropolitics in a whole new light.

Speaker 30 Maybe Canada wasn't so bad after all.

Speaker 40 Oh,

Speaker 17 Canada,

Speaker 40 Canada, Canada.

Speaker 40 Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow.

Speaker 3 I do want to congratulate Canada first off. It's a thrilling overtime victory.
They claimed the gold in men's ice hockey. The women's team, Canadian team, also won gold.
They truly are good at hockey.

Speaker 3 So to Canada, I offer you my congratulations and say you are the kings and the queens of the ice.

Speaker 3 The one caveat I would like to mention is that spring is coming.

Speaker 14 And with it the fall. And then you're back on terra firma.

Speaker 14 Yeah!

Speaker 9 And when the ice is gone, good luck at beating us at roller hockey or whatever it is you play then. I actually made a bet.

Speaker 3 This was one of those dumb bets with the mayor of Vancouver, that if the U.S. won the gold medal ice hockey, he would send me a case of maple syrup.
And if Canada won, I would give him $100 million.

Speaker 14 Jokes on you, bitch! They're American dollars.

Speaker 37 Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching The Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts.

Speaker 37 Watch the Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Fairmount Plus.

Speaker 1 This has been a Comedy Central podcast.