TDS Time Machine | Canada Day

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Breaking news out of,

yeah, that's right, Canada.

Just into the news deck, the Crack Smoking Mayor of Toronto has just done it again.

Which brings us to our brand new segment.

This just in the Crack Smoking Mayor of Toronto has just done it again.

so apparently

the crack-smoking mayor of Toronto

has done it again

here's the sentence I'm assuming does not follow that sentence save the day

the hours-long city council meeting deteriorated into a spectacle

mayor Rob Ford at one point started started mocking a council member suspected of driving drunk.

Mayor Ford, please stop disrupting.

Amid the chaos, Mayor Ford nearly knocked a councilwoman to the ground as he ran across the room.

The poor woman, the poor councilman.

You know she got into politics thinking, you know, this may be a dirty, unrewarding business, but at least I'll never have to worry about going to work and being trampled by a crackhead.

And there's a reason Rob Ford may have been worked up by that particular city council meeting.

The city council in Toronto has just begun debating a measure that would strip its crack-smoking mayor of most of his powers.

Wait.

Smoking crack gives you powers?

Are those powers an unquenchable thirst for crack?

But oddly, in Mayor Ford's case, with great powers, come very little responsibility.

So, how did the council's attempt to strip Mayor Rob Ford of his powers turn out?

Ford went down 36 votes to five.

Five votes.

Who voted to continue to give this man

power?

I imagine he must have given a very impassioned defense.

His answer?

This,

folks, reminds me of when,

and I was watching with my brother

when Saddam attacked Kuwait.

You guys have just attacked Kuwait.

And you will never...

Saddam Hussein, attacking Kuwait.

Look,

the reference may be dated,

but in Rob Ford's defense, it may be one of the last things he remembers.

Let me tell you something.

I know there was an invasion of Kuwait, and the next thing I know, I woke up, I was the mayor.

I don't know how.

Well, the vote yesterday capped off a hell of a couple of days for Rob Ford, including an interview with CNN where he surrounded himself with school children and then said this.

I just had enough.

I was sick and tired of all these allegations and all this

shouldn't excuse my words.

And that's all it is.

Sorry, kids.

I shouldn't have sworn in front of the kids.

I just say, you know,

I just, I just, I shouldn't have done that.

I shouldn't have done that.

I feel like for doing that.

Ah, Jesus, that's another, that's another up right there.

Oh, what did I do just there?

I just said it again.

F me.

No, that's bad.

Shouldn't have said that.

I'm such a punter.

Oh, what am I doing right in the middle of the kids?

But Rob Ford is not in denial,

says Rob Ford.

He knows he's not perfect.

This is the thing.

I don't look at myself as the mayor.

I look at myself as just a normal, regular person.

Then go back to being one.

Be gone.

Amazingly,

after all this, Rob Ford does have a few supporters left in Toronto.

We sent our own Jessica Williams up to talk to a few of them.

Toronto's mayor, Rob Ford, has provided the world with a series of incredible political highlights.

Olivia Gonduck says that I wanted to eat her finger Olivia Gonduck.

I've never said that in my life to her.

I would never do that.

I'm happily married.

I've got more than enough to eat at home.

I'll work this f ⁇ ing photo.

Have you purchased illegal drugs in the last two years?

Yes, I have.

And recently, in a response to his egregious behavior, the City Council of Toronto voted 36 to 5 to ask Rob Ford to leave City Hall.

So I went to Toronto to see who the hell were these five people and why they didn't just dump the mayor outright.

He smoked crack, right?

That's what he's told us.

And he's talked about eating

at a press conference, right?

I didn't hear that comment live, but the recorded version I heard had one of those words bleeped out.

Oh, it was f.

He definitely said.

I think they just bleeped it out again.

So why did you vote against that motion?

Were you on crack as well?

Well, if you look at the motion in its parts, it invites him to leave.

That's the good part.

But then it invites him to come back.

That's the part I couldn't tolerate.

Oh, so the motion wasn't harsh enough for Parker, but he did have another way to punish the mayor.

Some of us thought that the conduct of the mayor might well be brought before the Integrity Commissioner and asked her to report with her comments and her advice.

Do you guys also have an obvious commissioner at Get the Out Council?

Well, we didn't think we would need anything of the sort.

See, in America, we have a ton of experience with this kind of thing, but Toronto is truly incapable of dealing with ass.

We have an election coming up next fall and we'll see what happens then.

Next fall, in 2014?

2014.

What is wrong with the system here?

Well, some people here call it democracy.

Oh, no, it's more like a pussocracy.

Nobody has the balls to do something around here.

Well, I never thought of it in quite those terms.

But how could this guy get re-elected?

Who in their right mind are the almost 25% of Torontonians who still support him?

He's doing a great job.

Rob Ford is the most fiscally responsible mayor we've had in our city since I've been alive.

Everything he said he's going to do, he's got done.

Was it weird to say responsible and Rob Ford in the same sentence just now?

Absolutely not.

How much is too much crack for Rob Ford to smoke where you would have an issue?

It'd have to be where it affects his performance on his job.

Hold out your hand.

Is this too much crack?

Absolutely not.

Is this too much crack?

Uh, nope.

How about this?

Is this too much crack?

I think that would be enough.

So there is a line between a functioning mayor and a problem.

Let's see if he can tell the difference between his mayor and, oh, let's say Charlie Sheen I am a sick mother dude Charlie Sheen wrong that's Rob Ford

Wow yeah here's another one

yes I have smoked crack cocaine but am I an addict no have I tried it probably in one of my drunken stupors that is definitely Rob Ford yeah that was a giveaway that was an easy one I don't have time for these clowns I don't have time for their judgment and their stupidity Rob Ford nope that's Charlie Sheen really that sounds like a Rob Ford Yeah, I know.

They're so similar.

So people would still vote for Rob Ford.

Is it maybe because his behavior is not unusual in Toronto workplaces?

Hi, what can I get you?

Can I get a soy latte, please?

Yeah.

Are you smoking crack?

Yes.

This is the most annoyingly polite place on earth.

And then he said I wanted to suck his.

I've never said that in my life.

I would never do that.

I've got more than enough to suck at home.

And no one confronted me about my Ford-like approach to work.

Maybe this city deserves its mayor.

I think he's made mistakes in the past, but I don't believe we should hold that against him forever.

So re-elect Rob Ford, the hood rat stuff's in the past.

I believe the hood rat stuff's in the past.

So re-elect Rob Ford, that hood rat in the past.

The financial crash of 2008 brought a new focus on the behavior of Wall Street.

But what happened to the regulations that were promised in its wake?

The largest financial institutions have been doing everything they can to make sure that financial regulations don't get put in place.

And that's exactly the way it should be, according to champions of the free market, men like hedge fund manager John Tobacco.

We don't need these socialist forms of regulation, the Elizabeth Warrens of the world coming down and sticking their little fingers and micromanaging the capital markets.

So if those women came down with their little hands, what would we wind up looking like?

We'd start looking a hell of a lot more like Canada.

And nobody wants that.

I should know.

I'm from Canada.

A horrific country where the financial system is heavily regulated by a centralized government office that sets rules on almost every type of transaction.

I reluctantly traveled back to Toronto and sat down with the CEO of Canada's eighth largest bank to hear his tales of woe about over-regulation.

The model of regulation we have had in this country has been a huge contributor to the stability of the banking system and the stability of our economy.

But regulation doesn't work.

It definitely slows things down a little bit, but the Canadian banking system has not had a crash in 150 years or even longer.

Housing crash?

Absolutely not.

The internet internet bubble?

There was a couple stocks maybe that went down, but no, no.

Market crash of 87.

Market crash in 87.

I don't think it was one that certainly affected the banking system.

What about the Great Depression?

No, our banking system persevered through the Great Depression as well.

A ridiculous claim substantiated by nothing more than facts.

But a real capitalist would know that's not the point.

The American financial system is the last bastion of free market capitalism in the world.

It's the greatest greatest system the world has ever known.

Well, what about the statistical evidence that shows otherwise?

What's statistical evidence?

Well, since 1790, the U.S.

has had 16 banking crises and Canada has had zero.

There have been bubbles and bursts in the U.S., but if you're educated and you're prepared, you should be able to profit.

You see, these bubbles and bursts are just a bit of harmless free market fun.

There's nothing fun about people's

house losing 50% of their value.

But you can make money off that busting.

There are some people,

a very few amount of people, who can make money.

But the rest of them, f ⁇ ing them.

Who cares?

Are you serious?

I would never, ever say that.

Why not?

F them.

It's an outrageous thing to say.

Screw them?

No.

Oh my God.

Somebody please teach these people how to bank.

We have a lot of products here in the U.S.

that the Canadians can take a hint from.

Like, for example, collateralized mortgage obligations.

Although we went overboard with them, it's still a product that worked.

Do you guys do over-under inside-outside loans?

No, never heard of those.

It's a reverse shrinking derivative.

Okay.

Still never heard of it.

Unlike Americans, average Canadians have been denied these financial instruments, leaving them confused about what a banker really is.

When I say the word banker, what comes to mind?

Trustworthy,

considerate.

When I say the word banker, what comes to mind?

Cockroaches.

Greedy little pricks.

They're just like an extension of my family.

Fleafy, disrespectful, reliable.

Backstabbing.

Transparent.

Money-grubbing.

I love Canadian banks.

They're pieces of.

That's what they are.

And that is the real problem with regulation.

It attacks the proud, rich culture of the banker, an exciting lifestyle of offensive wealth that, sadly, in some parts of the world, has already been lost.

We have fun out here.

We have fun.

No, you don't.

We do.

Prove to me that you are fun.

Well, put on the spot, I guess I could tell you a joke.

So tell me a joke then.

So a duck walks into a pharmacy and he asks for some chapstick.

And when he goes to pay, he says, put it on my bill.

it's not a joke

what's the difference between jelly and jam i don't know you can't jelly a in a girl's mouth

zing

and you can't jam regulation down a country's throat because to do so would be to undermine our nation's entire financial philosophy finish this great american banking mantra greed is

bad greed is

dangerous.

Okay.

I guess Canadian Wall Street version is a little different.

So, America, you can have regulation, but only if you're prepared to live in a world that looks like this.

The point is, ladies and gentlemen, that greed,

for lack of a better word, is not good.

Greed is wrong.

Greed is not a quality that people look for in their bankers, eh?

Thank you very much.

Good speech, Gordon.

A way to be ethical, pal.

Oh, Canada, I'm so glad I left you.

Immigration!

Immigration is an enormous issue in this country, but we're not the only country dealing with it.

Dan Bocketall reports.

Mexicans, they're tearing America apart.

And they've gotten so good at country tearing, they're taking it up north.

Paul Fromm, founder of the Canada First Immigration Reform Committee, knows the danger.

I mean, we're being invaded.

In fact, what we suspect is happening is that large numbers of Mexicans will

Hispanicize Canadian culture.

Right, Canadian culture.

And that's terrible because that is

what is that exactly?

And all of that culture is at risk.

Who is to blame?

Besides the Mexicans.

Government policy, which wants to replace our population, greedy businessmen, and

of course, immigration lawyers who make a bucketload of money off consulting.

Immigration lawyers like David Rosenblatt, who's part of a nationwide movement encouraging this Hispanicization.

There aren't enough Canadians to satisfy the jobs that are here.

Why don't you just create new people that are already Canadians?

It's just not a viable solution.

So you're hoping that these Mexicans will screw the women that Canadians aren't willing to screw?

I didn't quite say that.

Canadians are very

active sexually.

Got a lot of very good-looking people.

But on a scale of...

Pam Anderson's Canadian.

Who else besides Pam Anderson?

There are just lots, lots, and lots.

I could go on and on.

Go on and on.

But he can't name any because he's too busy turning Canada into a Mexican-filled piñata.

Let's say I'm a Canadian and a Mexican moves in next door.

What can I expect?

Well, it would probably depend on the type of Mexican you've got.

Let's say it's your typical Mexican.

You'll get their particular lifestyle.

The loud cars,

the yard not taken care of in quite the same tidy little way

an Italian or Anglo-Saxon might do.

They won't take any direction.

Put your litter in the garbage or don't urinate here or whatever.

Still think these urine-happy job thieves aren't a problem?

Well, meet Exhibit A in Canada's immigration job fleecing crisis.

Rafi Torres.

He's the most feared kind of professional hockey player.

Mexican.

How did you cross the border into Canada?

I didn't really have to cross the border.

My dad was all across him

when he was 25.

Oh.

Well then I guess we won't be needing your services today.

No, you don't have to.

That was to you.

You can go.

Okay.

But soon all Canadians will need translators, thanks to Senor Rosenblatt.

So why Mexicans?

I mean,

I know why you're not taking Americans, because America kicks ass and nobody wants to leave.

But why Mexicans?

First of all, let me tell you, we do get contacted by a lot of Americans.

And we are interested in bringing up Americans.

If there are any Americans that do want to come to Canada, we have

to

say to take Americans.

That's a lot of occasions.

There are no jobs.

There's no Americans interested in coming up here.

As Mexicans continue to Hispanicize the Canadian landscape, there looms an even greater threat.

Mexicans will use

Canada as a launching point for a backdoor

invasion of the United States.

Right, so they're going to go up into Canada and then pull the shocker on us.

Yeah, because the border is still pretty

porous.

Yeah, and if you don't know it's coming, it hurts, right?

It's going to be very messy.

In the end, there's only one way to save Canada.

Stand up to these Mexicans.

So good luck, Canada.

Now, the uncertainty surrounding the Ukrainian election may indeed make our own election aftermath seem quite peaceful.

But as President Bush sets his agenda for the next four years, he may find himself governing an entirely different country.

Samantha B has more.

The re-election of George Bush has further cemented conservative control of this country.

The Republican victory has brought Canada back in the news, with many convinced that life would be better on the other side of the border.

People like Marta Scob.

I am a Canadian Conservative and I want to move to America.

Yes, with its tolerant society, low crime rate, and free health care, Canada is a hell on earth for people like Marta.

What's the main reason that you want to take off from the Great White North?

We're weak.

Boring?

The bland leading the bland.

Vanilla.

Vanilla.

All right.

As I said, bland.

I'm often asked whether.

White bread.

All right.

Bland whitebread

Marta is far from alone Mark Graham is another conservative Canadian who says he'd make a good American I look at myself as an intellectual say intellectual I'm a little sophisticated I'm very sophisticated actually I associate with in the U.S.

you would consider them NASCAR fans.

But does America need more cultural sophisticates?

And are these Canadians conservative enough?

Okay, mini-citizenship test.

Tell me whether you want more or less of each item.

Government.

Less.

Guns.

More.

A lot more.

Big guns.

Gaze.

I guess I'll have to go with less.

God.

More.

Grizzlies.

Do you say grizzlies?

More.

Go portions.

Less, none.

And the most important question.

How much do you hate the French?

Can I tell you a secret, Samantha?

Please.

For a long, long time,

I have worn poison as my signature perfume.

So

I am about...

I've been looking for a replacement

because I don't buy French goods anymore.

Okay.

With heartland values like these, the Canadians should be welcomed by their conservative counterparts in the USA.

Stay home, fix your own problems in your own country.

Except that American conservatives don't like immigrants.

Right now we need to shut the border down.

The northern border, the southern border, and the coast.

Is it bad even for Canadians to come here?

Most of them aren't even brown or anything.

If we did what they do, we would all be in jail.

But no, they can get away with it.

They are invaders.

You seem really angry and upset about this.

Well, no, I'm always like this.

We spoke to an American conservative about Canadian conservatives who want to move to the U.S., and his message was clear:

go blow yourself.

Uh

F off.

Fox.

As for Mark Graham, he's still optimistic he'll find a home south of the border.

But, you know, I think I'd be welcomed with open arms in the U.S.

by like-minded people.

You are so sweet.

Doot.

Oh, you are sweet, Mark.

But lose the beret.

In the red states, they'll think it's a little French and frankly, a little faggy.

I'm sorry?

Our insatiable thirst for oil has forced us to do business with some of the world's most dangerous regimes.

It turns out the most dangerous, maybe closer than we think, Waitsenak has more.

We've been told time and time again we must get off foreign oil.

America's dependence on oil is one of the most most serious threats that our nation has faced.

This dependence leaves us more vulnerable to hostile regimes and to terrorists.

But if we're going to get serious we must examine the players particularly the biggest most dangerous player of all.

Right now our leading supplier of imported oil is Canada.

That's right.

It's Canada.

It gives us about 2 million barrels of oil a day, which is about twice as much as we're currently getting from Saudi Arabia.

Canada.

I knew it.

For too long, we've cozied up to their dictators, opened our borders to their most heinous operatives, and ignored their institutional brutality again

and again.

And oh, that's gotta hurt.

Yes, bit by bit, Canada is killing us.

I flew to the oil fields of Alberta to confront our Canadian oil verlords.

Would you prefer that I call you Sheikh or Warlord or your lordship?

I'm senior vice president, but I mean, you can just call me Drew.

Would you agree that Canada is a blood and oil-soaked raptocracy?

Oh, no.

Canada's a very welcoming, warm country.

There's no reason we can't continue to be great neighbors.

Such arrogance.

And worse, it's American companies that are keeping these oil barons in business.

Someone had to send them a message.

First question.

Wow, these

are a mess.

Right, Evil Canada.

We've been doing business with Canada for many years.

We may have small differences, but we're really cut from the same cloth.

So you're okay with Canada?

Canada's fine.

Well, what would you do if your daughter had her health care paid for by the government?

As a father, how could you live with yourself?

I could live with that.

And you call yourself an American.

You disgust me, sir.

Also, do you have some Kleenex?

Because I am starting to congeal a little bit here.

Sure, the propaganda sounds great.

Until you talk to those who've managed to escape the evil Maple regime.

So you're Canadian refugees.

Uh, yeah, we're originally from Trump.

Yeah, born and restrained.

Who lives?

leaves.

What was it like living in that repressive regime?

Ooh, what's uh

what's this show all about?

Yeah, what is it about?

It's it's the daily show with Jon Stewart.

Oh

that's a show they make you look silly on making you look stupid, right?

Yeah, we're just a bunch of Canadian hoses.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, take off, eh?

Go home, Yankee.

Yeah, eh?

Pool leaves, go!

I felt that same anger on the Canadian street, where America has become the scapegoat for all of Canada's problems.

Why are you angry at America?

A lot of reasons.

Number one,

Vancouver Canucks.

We want the Nordique back.

You took the Winnipeg Jets.

That was a little bit too much.

Golifsko.

You a hockey fan?

No, I'm American.

Just as terrorists are taught around the world, here a new generation of Canucko fascists are being trained to hate.

Clearly, it's just a matter of time before they strike.

I think they're more afraid of us than we are of them, to be honest.

So you're saying we should invade Canada before Canada invades us?

I don't think...

That's all I need.

Right there, yes.

As Americans, we simply have no other choice.

Americans have a choice, a personal choice.

Every individual has a choice to use fossil fuels or not.

Done.

All right, easy.

We'll stop using your oil.

Let me give you an example of what that might mean, though.

Obvious transportation means would have to change.

Your cell phone, video games, MP3 players, your iPad, all these things are made from a petrochemical or petroleum-based products.

What about internet porn?

That would be gone.

I was beginning to see petropolitics in a whole new light.

Maybe Canada wasn't so bad after all.

Oh,

Canada,

Canada, Canada.

Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow.

I do want to congratulate Canada first off.

It's a thrilling overtime victory.

They claimed the gold in men's ice hockey.

The women's team, Canadian team, also won gold.

They truly are good at hockey.

So to Canada, I offer you my congratulations and say you are the kings and the queens of the ice.

The one caveat I would like to mention is that spring is coming.

And with it the fall.

And then you're back on terra firma.

Yeah!

And when the ice is gone, good luck at beating us at roller hockey or whatever it is you play then.

I actually made a bet.

This was one of those dumb bets with the mayor of Vancouver, that if the U.S.

won the gold medal ice hockey, he would send me a case of maple syrup.

And if Canada won, I would give him $100 million.

Jokes on you, bitch!

They're American dollars.

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