TDS Time Machine | Summer (of the Shark)

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Speaker 5 You're listening to Comedy Central.

Speaker 6 Summer 2001 will be remembered for many things. The G8 riots, stem cell controversy, and of course, for me, this was the summer I finally lost it on a camping trip.

Speaker 6 None of you know her. She's from Canada.

Speaker 6 But for many it was and remains summer of the shark.

Speaker 6 Okay,

Speaker 6 the scene, Anclove Key, Florida, where local officials have spotted hundreds of sharks gathering in what is perhaps the largest feeding frenzy ever witnessed.

Speaker 6 The frenzy included over 200 sharks or one shark for every six news reporters covering it.

Speaker 6 No one knows for sure why the sharks chose to congregate in this area, though marine biologists note that sharks are motivated by the same factors as humans, food and sex.

Speaker 6 It also explains the 30-minute wait outside the Tampa hooters.

Speaker 6 Some experts believe the sharks have gathered because this area is rich with their favorite food, a stingray known as cownose ray.

Speaker 6 It's a species so named because of its resemblance to noted Delta blues man Cownose Ray Jefferson.

Speaker 6 Well, that took a long time to make on a computer.

Speaker 7 It's not easy.

Speaker 6 With its beaches packed with tourists slathered in coconut oil, it's not surprising that 50% of unprovoked shark attacks occur in Florida.

Speaker 6 Interestingly enough, 98% of provoked shark attacks occur in the vicinity of the Trenton, New Jersey comedy club Stitches during performances by noted shark insult comic Vinnie Argato.

Speaker 6 Take a look at his incendiary work.

Speaker 12 Hey, woo!

Speaker 13 Hey! Hey, we got any sharks in the audience tonight?

Speaker 14 We got a couple.

Speaker 13 Well, don't worry, I'll talk slow.

Speaker 12 Seriously. Oh, boy.

Speaker 13 Hey, hey, sir, is that a hammerhead, or are you just clumsy?

Speaker 13 Check out the dorsal fin over here. What'd you do? Eat the whole kayak?

Speaker 12 Oh, hey, kid.

Speaker 13 But seriously, the thing about Shakaka!

Speaker 6 The end part there, that was the attack.

Speaker 6 All right.

Speaker 6 This gathering of sharks is the latest in what can only be inaccurately and hyperbolically described as a summer of terror for American beachgoers.

Speaker 6 Our own chief ichthyologist, Matt Walsh, is down in Tampa, Florida right now. Matt,

Speaker 6 what the hell is going on down there, Matt?

Speaker 13 John, this gathering is actually an unprecedented World Shark Summit. Now, this is a G8 for predators.
All the big sharks are here. Blue sharks, makos, white-tips.

Speaker 13 We've got a reef shark that swam all the way up from Trinidad and Tobago just to get here, John. I'm seeing hammerheads and bull sharks side by side.

Speaker 13 These guys haven't talked this openly since the I Was Gnawing in This Torso First controversy back in Galveston in 86. You remember that cold one? Now, there's also nurse sharks here, too.

Speaker 13 They were actually in town for a separate conference. It just kind of worked out.

Speaker 14 If you know what I mean, John.

Speaker 6 I think I don't. So these sharks, you're saying, have actually gathered off the coast of Florida for a reason.

Speaker 19 Yes, they're here to discuss a host of issues, mainly shark-related, overfishing, dental care.

Speaker 13 You got to remember, these guys have three times as many teeth as we do. They're also concerned about the way they're portrayed in TV and movies.

Speaker 20 I mean, they saw a deep blue sea.

Speaker 13 They're not amused.

Speaker 6 All right, Matt, I understand. There certainly seems, though, to be quite a media presence.
How close have you been able to get to the shark frenzy?

Speaker 13 Not close at all. Mainly because of all the protesters.

Speaker 6 Protesters?

Speaker 6 Surfers, bathers, people that have been barred from the water?

Speaker 14 No, John.

Speaker 13 Tuna, Albacore, Yellowtail, huge schools of chunk lights, sashimi wearing critters.

Speaker 6 What are they protesting, Matt?

Speaker 13 One issue mainly. The being chased down and eaten thing.

Speaker 13 Apparently they don't like it.

Speaker 6 Well, it seems like the sharks are dispersing now.

Speaker 6 Is there any idea where the sharks might be going?

Speaker 13 You know, I don't know really really at all, John. I mean, Tampa is amazing.
You got Bush Gardens here. The city's home to the third largest mall in Hillsborough County.
They got four Starbucks there.

Speaker 13 This probably won't hit the they won't go to the aquarium because it's like been here, done that.

Speaker 13 The point is, Tampa's an exciting place to be right now if you're a shark or a stripper.

Speaker 7 John?

Speaker 6 Thank you very much, Matt.

Speaker 6 That was excellent. And

Speaker 6 they may be protesting. Thank you.
We'll be right back.

Speaker 13 When a news story falls through the cracks, Lewis Black catches it with a segment we call Back in Black.

Speaker 22 Well, it's summer, which always reminds me of my childhood at camp. Canoeing, roasting marshmallows.

Speaker 21 learning how to masturbate.

Speaker 23 Or as we called it at camp, beating the Tom-Tom.

Speaker 26 It's all about the beat nearly every adult who went to camp remembers it fondly but like jerking off some people just can't let go summer camp it is not just for kids anymore because more and more places they're offering camps for adults all the fun things that you would do as a kid like swimming archery ziplining a ropes course even a talent show we have arts and crafts

Speaker 27 There are also other camps there too, like space camp. You get to go on an interactive space mission, build rockets, and train like astronauts what the hell is wrong with these people

Speaker 30 in my day when you had a midlife crisis you bought a red corvette and cheated on your wife now it's sharing bunk beds and making lanyards huh stop reinventing the wheel and don't get me started on space camp kids go to space camp because there's still hope they'll go to actual space When you're a grown-up, that spaceship has sailed.

Speaker 29 It would be like trying trying to seduce Roy Moore when you're 47.

Speaker 31 You're 40 years too late.

Speaker 8 Oh, why did you vote for him?

Speaker 22 But there's another reason adults are going back to camp, and it ain't archery.

Speaker 32 Play like a kid and party like a grown-up is the motto at Camp No Counselors, an all-inclusive weekend-long sleepaway camp for grown-ups.

Speaker 32 The all-inclusive package includes lodging, food, an open bar, nightly parties, and tons of old-school camp activities like wheelbarrow races and human-hungry-hungry hippo.

Speaker 24 Oh yeah, who doesn't love getting wasted and then getting tossed like a salad?

Speaker 22 Seriously, if I want to puke in a ball pit, I'll go to McDonald's like a normal person.

Speaker 22 Look, it's one thing for these 40-year-old toddlers to ruin camp, but I refuse to stand by and watch them rune booze.

Speaker 29 In these terrible times, it's all we have left.

Speaker 21 And besides, if all the adults are at camp pretending to be kids, who's gonna do all the adult stuff?

Speaker 15 Kids' summer camps are putting away the canoes and the kayaks, and instead, in some cases, teaching kids how to manage money.

Speaker 32 Attractive options for families who want their children to learn about budgets and business.

Speaker 32 Here, kids from 7 to 16 learn to crunch numbers for a product they'll later design, manufacture, and and market.

Speaker 22 Oh, great.

Speaker 24 Just what this country needs, even younger Wall Street douchebags.

Speaker 30 I can't wait to get my house repossessed by a banker who still wears a onesie.

Speaker 22 Though, I get why these kids are being sent to learn about money. Someone's got to pay for their parents to play drunken cornhole.

Speaker 21 Look, it's clear what's happening here.

Speaker 22 These camps trick kids into doing work while the old folks have fun in the sun.

Speaker 25 It's wrong.

Speaker 7 It's despicable.

Speaker 5 And I want in.

Speaker 22 Hey kids, why waste your summer groping each other in the woods when you can learn a trade?

Speaker 22 Here at Camp Worker B, you'll learn all sorts of skills like mowing my lawn, doing my taxes, getting things that I point at.

Speaker 12 And as an elderly person, my clothes are old and frayed.

Speaker 30 So you'll also be doing some light sewing, about 200 shirts an hour.

Speaker 31 J Crew needs these tomorrow.

Speaker 22 Don't spend the summer just sitting on your ass.

Speaker 31 Spend it, wipe at my ass.

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Speaker 16 Last year, the media tried to tell us it was the summer of the sharks.

Speaker 14 Summer of the sharks.

Speaker 17 Summer of the sharks. The summer of the sharks.

Speaker 16 But they were just trying to scare us to boost their ratings. So, what's the real deal? Miami Seaquarium shark expert Chris Plant set the record straight.

Speaker 28 Is this the summer of the shark?

Speaker 34 No.

Speaker 28 Shouldn't we be scared of these sharks? No. Really, to put it into perspective, more people are killed each year by falling coconuts than sharks.

Speaker 26 Excuse me, wait, what's that?

Speaker 16 Did you say

Speaker 28 coconuts? More coconuts kill people each year than sharks do.

Speaker 28 The figures don't lie. 10 deaths a year from shark attacks versus 150 from head injuries due to falling coconuts.

Speaker 28 To find out why these predators from above crave our skulls, I spoke with coconut attack expert Peter Barse.

Speaker 14 Just how dangerous are these coconuts?

Speaker 35 Well, the kinetic energy of a falling coconut on the head is approximately a metric ton.

Speaker 12 Do these coconuts kill for food or just sport?

Speaker 36 I don't really understand that question.

Speaker 28 But someone who does understand the question is coconut survivor G Jacobs. I asked her to recount her brush with the death nut.

Speaker 37 I was cutting some shrubs that are underneath the tree, and then suddenly I heard a noise. And there was this coconut.

Speaker 37 Of course, I was not hit by it.

Speaker 12 Hmm.

Speaker 16 Dr. Barce,

Speaker 28 is this the summer of the coconut?

Speaker 36 Not to my knowledge.

Speaker 36 At the moment, one of the most serious hazards we face is injuries from people falling on stairs.

Speaker 28 The shocking truth is, stairs take more lives every year than even coconuts, preying on the elderly and the uncoordinated. Safety code engineer Jamie Eisen.
Are stairs the silent killer?

Speaker 12 I.

Speaker 38 By silent killer, I.

Speaker 38 what would you mean by that?

Speaker 28 In that they don't make noise and they can kill.

Speaker 38 Only way, yes, if you're not careful, yes.

Speaker 28 It seemed clear that this is actually the summer of the stairs. That is, until coconut survivor Gene Jacobs dropped this little bomb.

Speaker 37 If one is not careful and are cautious in what they're doing, anything can be dangerous.

Speaker 14 And by anything, we mean, of course,

Speaker 37 lightning on golf courses.

Speaker 12 Duck.

Speaker 35 Camel bites.

Speaker 38 Bathtubs can be dangerous.

Speaker 37 I'm allergic to some fruits, raw pineapple and occasionally strawberries.

Speaker 38 How was born in Havana, Cuba?

Speaker 28 It turns out this is far from the summer of the shark.

Speaker 3 It's the summer of the anything.

Speaker 3 Stephen Colbert.

Speaker 3 Now,

Speaker 6 Stephen, what's specific? Stephen?

Speaker 16 Yes, John.

Speaker 6 Stephen, what are you doing down there? Just come on up.

Speaker 6 Come on. Come on up

Speaker 6 and talk to us about the report.

Speaker 6 All the way up, please. Come on.

Speaker 6 I'm sorry, is that bubble wrap?

Speaker 13 Yes, John.

Speaker 14 Get your own.

Speaker 14 This is the only thing protecting me from the meteor strikes and from the peanut allergies.

Speaker 13 Peanut allergies. They're out there, John.

Speaker 12 I understand. It's a dangerous world, John.
I know that.

Speaker 6 You go down there to debunk the fear tactics of the news and you come back here wearing bubble wrap?

Speaker 3 I got kids, John. I got to.

Speaker 6 So what, did you learn anything from going down to Florida?

Speaker 14 Yeah, John, I did. I learned there are some things we should be afraid of and some not.
But I'd say if there's one thing we should be afraid of this summer,

Speaker 12 it'd be sharks.

Speaker 3 No.

Speaker 13 They got teeth, they smell fear, John. They feast on human flesh flesh, and they rule the night.
All right.

Speaker 6 Thank you very much, Stephen. I appreciate your thoughts.
Shots.

Speaker 6 Summer!

Speaker 6 Summer.

Speaker 6 People magazine called it this year's hottest season.

Speaker 6 And whether you're kicking back at a private beach or just letting your SUV idle in the parking lot with the AC on full blast, I think we can all agree, sure as hell beats living in Zambia.

Speaker 6 Even if you were one of the tens of thousands of tourists who flocked to the African nation to witness this morning's total eclipse of the sun.

Speaker 6 It's the first eclipse in two years and the first in over 300 years to take place on the summer solstice.

Speaker 6 It's a fact that some observers take as an ominous portent that this summer may bring with it many, many more boring facts just like that one.

Speaker 2 Got a whole book of them.

Speaker 6 So what is it like to actually see a total solar eclipse?

Speaker 40 The bright sun is gone and it's replaced by this incredibly black disk surrounded by this pearly white corona surrounding the sun. It's a breathtaking

Speaker 40 event which makes the hair on the back of your neck stand up.

Speaker 3 Oh,

Speaker 6 it's bad news for anyone standing behind Dan Hidea.

Speaker 6 Even Ed Asner looks at that and goes, that's hairy.

Speaker 6 Meanwhile, in Britain, a 14,500-strong crowd of druids, New Age followers, and people who look tan but are just dirty gathered at Stonehenge to watch the sun rise on the year's longest day.

Speaker 6 Police reported only five arrests during the celebration, all for minor drug offenses, and they praised the good-natured crowd, whose good nature was no doubt enhanced by major drug offenses.

Speaker 6 People with all sorts of things stuck in their face had nice things to say.

Speaker 41 It's been really peaceful hasn't it? It's been really nice.

Speaker 41 I'm so pleased it's been like this. I've had a really lovely night.

Speaker 12 Yeah.

Speaker 6 You know girl with chin stud has a good point but

Speaker 6 what about guy with eye stud?

Speaker 34 It's something that's needed organizing for a long time and they've organized it. It's great.

Speaker 6 Guy with eye stud's right.

Speaker 6 But we still haven't heard from guy with chin stud and top of nose thing.

Speaker 17 It's just all come together. The feeling in the circle itself is just immense, really.

Speaker 6 Guy with chin stud and top of nose thing,

Speaker 6 I think I'll miss you most of all.

Speaker 6 Makes you kind of nostalgic for the the news stories of summers gone by.

Speaker 14 The ultimate summer nightmare, great white shark.

Speaker 42 The The summer of the shark.

Speaker 17 Shark attacks. The summer of the shark.

Speaker 12 I missed those days.

Speaker 6 Nothing said summer like firing up the grill, mixing some G and T's, and waiting for people to be mauled by fish.

Speaker 10 Yeah, sharks are fish. You wouldn't think they're fish, but they're fish.

Speaker 6 Even though they lack a swim bladder, it's why they have to constantly move. They lack a swim bladder.
I stay still in the water because I was born with three swim bladders.

Speaker 3 Three.

Speaker 6 I'm basically nothing but swim bladder.

Speaker 6 I really, I have a feeling my Wikipedia page just changed.

Speaker 6 But summer wasn't just about sharks.

Speaker 17 This may be the summer of shark scares, but on one New Hampshire beach, the scare came from a menacing bald eagle.

Speaker 42 What kind of a menace are sharks and alligators? Chilling tales of killer mosquitoes.

Speaker 6 Call the sci-fi network pitch sharquetogator.

Speaker 6 You know,

Speaker 6 there's a new species on the endangered list,

Speaker 6 man.

Speaker 6 With multiple swim bladders. Look,

Speaker 6 I know, I know those years.

Speaker 6 I know those years also featured the non-scare predatory animal-based stories. But summer news, man, it was balanced.
Like take last last year, for example.

Speaker 6 Sure, we may have had a little, we are living in a dystopian nightmare where the government is watching and listening and storing everything you do, but we washed it down with a little delicious racism and gravy

Speaker 6 and a political sex scandal that spawned an international dance craze.

Speaker 6 That's what I'm talking about. I miss that guy.

Speaker 6 The guy in the boo shirt, not the other guy, the other guy I don't miss him much. The The blue shirt, the Oliver guy, the English guy, I miss that guy.

Speaker 12 He was my friend.

Speaker 6 The heat has mushed your brains.

Speaker 6 Where's this year's fresh secret identity celebrity dick pic?

Speaker 20 Wait.

Speaker 6 Secret identity celebrity dick pic. That'd be another great show to pitch to.
What's that? Oh, Bravo's already making it. All right.

Speaker 6 isn't anything innocuous threatening our shores this summer a beachgoer shot this video of a shark you can see it wiggling there as it moves up to shore that's what I'm talking about now we're now we're into it now we got something done

Speaker 42 fortunately it was believed the shark was choking on a sea lion because the shark died a short time later

Speaker 6 Can't catch a break. This summer's been so depressing.
The sharks are committing suicide.

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Speaker 12 Rules and restrictions apply.

Speaker 14 You know, there's so much arguing in America today.

Speaker 43 But we here at the Daily Show think there could be even more.

Speaker 16 So to do our part, here's Ronnie Chang with another installment of Prove Me Wrong.

Speaker 13 Ice cream, vacations, long walks on the beach.

Speaker 4 I f ⁇ ing hate all that shit.

Speaker 13 Welcome to Prove Me Wrong.

Speaker 7 Summer Edition.

Speaker 7 Summer is the worst season. Prove me wrong.

Speaker 44 Well, I would say summer is the season where everyone's the happiest. During the summer, everyone gets to come outside.

Speaker 7 Everybody's shirt turns into a Roshak test.

Speaker 44 But during the summer, when everyone's sweaty and gross, everyone's sweaty and gross. We're all equal during the summer.

Speaker 7 So you're making a Marxist argument for BO during summer?

Speaker 44 Yeah, pretty much.

Speaker 7 Yeah, sorry. This is the free world.
The top 1% should not have BO. How do you smell? Go ahead, smell me.
I dare you. Smell this shit right now.

Speaker 7 You smell like me. See, we're the same.
That's not a compliment.

Speaker 18 Pools are better than oceans.

Speaker 12 Prove me wrong.

Speaker 45 Pools are stinky. They have nasty people that go in there.
They just get in with their funky bodies and their sweaty cells and it's plop up in there.

Speaker 7 Yeah, you think people don't pee and poop in the ocean? Oh, it's not just people, by the way. You think whales are coming on land to take a shit?

Speaker 7 Yeah, if they want to. No, they're not.
They're shitting in the ocean. Okay.
It's whales, it's jellyfish, it's seals, it's octopuses, it's everything in there. It's just shitting into your mouth.

Speaker 7 Oceans are just pools that are trying to kill you. You have many shark sightings I've been here this last week, there's five.
Like, did you see the shark?

Speaker 7 No.

Speaker 7 Interesting, interesting. Oh, so your argument is: I didn't see the shark, so therefore, the ocean is safe.
So good luck out there.

Speaker 44 I've never seen a shark at the moment

Speaker 7 myself. So, what you're a shark denier? You can't get food from pools either.
There's no fish in pools, but in the ocean, I'd be sustaining myself. Yeah, fresh coconuts, fresh fish.

Speaker 7 You can't eat anything near the ocean. The sand gets in it.
Protein. Put your money where your mouth is.

Speaker 5 This is food.

Speaker 7 This is your food on the beach.

Speaker 7 Is that good enough for you?

Speaker 7 Okay, I got some bad news for you. There's no protein in sand.
F out of here.

Speaker 43 Thanks for the fries. Thanks, bro.

Speaker 44 pigeons are better than seagulls prove me wrong pigeons are literal like rats with wings genetically they used to be white but then out of like darwinism and like after all these years they actually turn black to adapt to like certain environments and they're so gross why do you have to make this racial we're talking about pigeons versus seagulls not why are pigeons black how much info wars do you watch no but it's like just over time like they start genetic they used to be white but genetically over time they like people have been canceled for less than that popsicles are gross prove me wrong but why are popsicles gross i don't need to watch someone fillet a dessert eating ice cream is gross enough but at least you can't deep throat it i'm sorry it prepares you for life that's a lot of work and there's lots of instances where you have to

Speaker 7 do things similarly to eating a popsicle do you work in show business no but popsicles are good man you got all different kinds of flavors like what 50 50 bars you got a real red an original popsicle you got bomb pops none of those are flavors okay so you tell me what flavor that that is.

Speaker 44 This is grape and I absolutely love grape. Everybody hates on it but it's so good.

Speaker 7 Grapes don't taste like that in real life. Okay, the guy who created the flavored grape clearly has never had a grape before.

Speaker 7 Yeah, see?

Speaker 7 No, that's...

Speaker 7 You ate it like a pelican.

Speaker 7 You didn't even chew it. How did you do that? It's sticking to your beard now.
Oh. Oh, that's so good.
Yeah, see, that's... No, man.
Popsicles aren't gross. You are gross.
Which one?

Speaker 7 What you got against popsicles? They're messy. They make my hands stick.
Why? You don't eat it fast enough? Yeah. Can't put it in your mouth fast enough? No, why don't you demonstrate right now?

Speaker 7 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 7 Okay, that's very experienced. Look, no mouse.
Look at no mouse.

Speaker 7 You still have my lip gloss on. Okay, you know what? That was actually, as much as I want to hate on that, that was actually pretty impressive.
I feel like you actually did prove me wrong.

Speaker 7 So, you know what?

Speaker 7 What's happening? All right.

Speaker 41 Is that what I win?

Speaker 7 You get to wear the golden thong. You have now earned the right to take my place.
Dog good.

Speaker 9 Behind the prove-me wrong.

Speaker 7 I'm wearing my own thong. You've clearly proven me wrong.
That golden thong. That's what happens when you prove me wrong.
No, no, no. You have to take over.
No, you got to take my place now.

Speaker 7 It's like Highlander.

Speaker 7 You're right. Now

Speaker 14 take my spot.

Speaker 8 It's summertime.

Speaker 9 That wonderful time of the year when the sun is out, kids are playing, and I sweat so much my shirt turns into a map of the Middle East.

Speaker 29 My nipple is the Gaza Strip. You don't want to go anywhere near it.

Speaker 8 And on the hottest days, you have a few options. You can hydrate, you can stay indoors, or you could always go to the beach, but only if you want to die.

Speaker 25 Sharks, summertime, close encounters.

Speaker 9 Scares just feet from shore.

Speaker 19 In South Carolina, a shark in knee-deep water, just feet away from swimmers.

Speaker 43 And in New Jersey, a 16-foot great white feasting on a bag of bait before swimming away.

Speaker 42 This year, Hawaii has already seen twice as many attacks as they did all of last year.

Speaker 42 And just last week, this great white was tracked near New York's Long Island.

Speaker 26 When a white shark bites a person, it is a mistake because it thinks that that person is a seal.

Speaker 8 Wait a minute. So if a white shark's biting you, it's a mistake.
But if a black shark gets caught with just a little bit of weed, it goes to jail for life?

Speaker 23 That doesn't seem fair.

Speaker 8 And also,

Speaker 8 what do you mean if I get bitten, it's because I look like a seal.

Speaker 23 So now I'm getting eaten and body shamed. Talk about adding insult to injury.

Speaker 9 And if you're thinking, no problem, I'll just stay in the shallow water where it's safe.

Speaker 5 Well, good luck, sucker.

Speaker 46 There are new concerns about rare but potentially deadly flesh-eating bacteria found in warm waters.

Speaker 47 Potentially deadly bacteria can enter the body through a cutterous scrape. According to the CDC, the bacteria causes 80,000 illnesses and 100 deaths in the U.S.
every year.

Speaker 16 Just pay attention.

Speaker 6 Don't be afraid of the ocean, but be aware of what's going on.

Speaker 6 Be aware?

Speaker 7 It's bacteria.

Speaker 23 What am I supposed to do? Snorkel with a microscope?

Speaker 9 At least with a shark, I can hear the fin and the jaws music.

Speaker 8 I can see the fin.

Speaker 23 But flesh-eating bacteria is a silent killer, like Jason.

Speaker 8 It's what I've always respected about him.

Speaker 24 He's in it for the stabbing, not the chit-chack.

Speaker 29 Also, what's with these bacteria?

Speaker 9 They never eat the flesh that I don't want.

Speaker 8 How about instead of my leg, why don't you guys take a nibble on my love handle? That way you still get to eat, and I don't look like a seal.

Speaker 25 So

Speaker 8 it's dangerous in the water.

Speaker 9 It's dangerous close to the water.

Speaker 8 And you think you're safe way up on the beach? You better duck.

Speaker 16 A warning about a surprising summer danger. Beach umbrellas flying through the air, seriously injuring beachgoers.

Speaker 43 In Ocean City, Maryland, in 2015, a bystander filming as the wind picks up these umbrellas and turns them into projectiles. The videos wild and the situations incredibly dangerous.

Speaker 33 Over the last 10 years, there have been reports of over 32,000 injuries related to umbrellas across the country.

Speaker 9 Did you see that?

Speaker 11 It's an umbrella uprising.

Speaker 9 We always thought it was going to be the robots. We never suspected the umbrellas.

Speaker 8 And who can blame them for organizing?

Speaker 9 We treat them like shit.

Speaker 10 They only get pulled out in the extreme heat of the rain.

Speaker 8 We're never like, oh, it's a beautiful day.

Speaker 9 My umbrella deserves a walk.

Speaker 8 But on the pus side, if you survive an umbrella impaling, at least you'll never need to buy sunscreen again.

Speaker 9 So whether it's sharks or bacteria or umbrellas, everything on the beach wants you dead.

Speaker 24 But don't worry, kids, you can just simulate the experience at home.

Speaker 22 Just turn off your air conditioning.

Speaker 8 Stand in the tub with a pina colada. and shove a fistful of sand up your ass.

Speaker 29 Happy summer, everybody.

Speaker 25 Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching The Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts.

Speaker 25 Watch the Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Fairmount Plus.

Speaker 5 This has been a Comedy Central podcast.

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Speaker 48 I earned my degree online at Arizona State University.

Speaker 48 I chose to get my degree at ASU because I knew that I'd get a quality education, they were recognized for excellence, and that I would be prepared for the workforce upon graduating.

Speaker 48 To be associated with ASU, both as a student and alum, it makes me extremely proud. And having experienced the program, I know now that I'm set up for success.
Learn more at ASUonline.asu.edu