TDS Time Machine | Summer (of the Shark)

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You're listening to Comedy Central.

Summer 2001 will be remembered for many things: the G8 riots, stem cell controversy, and of course, for me, this was the summer I finally lost it on a camping trip.

None of you know her, she's from Canada.

But for many, it was and remains summer of the shark.

Okay,

the scene, Anclove Key, Florida, where local officials have spotted hundreds of sharks gathering in what is perhaps the largest feeding frenzy ever witnessed.

The frenzy included over 200 sharks, or one shark for every six news reporters covering it.

No one knows for sure why the sharks chose to congregate in this area, though marine biologists note that sharks are motivated by the same factors as humans, food and sex.

It also explains the 30-minute wait outside the Tampa Hooters.

Some experts believe the sharks have gathered because this area is rich with their favorite food, a stingray known as cownose ray.

It's a species so named because of its resemblance to noted Delta Bluesman Cownose Ray Jefferson.

Well, that took a long time to make on a computer.

It's not easy.

With its beaches packed with tourists slathered in coconut oil, it's not surprising that 50% of unprovoked shark attacks occur in Florida.

Interestingly enough, 98% of provoked shark attacks occur in the vicinity of the Trenton, New Jersey comedy club Stitches during performances by noted shark insult comic Vinnie Argato.

Take a look at his incendiary work.

Hey, woo!

Hey!

Hey, we got any sharks in the audience tonight?

We got a couple.

Hey, well, don't worry, I'll talk slow.

Seriously.

Oh, boy.

Hey, hey, sir, is that a hammerhead or are you just clumsy?

Check out the dorsal fin over here.

What'd you do?

Eat the whole kayak?

Oh, hey, kid.

But seriously, the thing about Shakaka!

The end part there, that was the attack.

All right.

This gathering of sharks is the latest in what can only be inaccurately and hyperbolically described as a summer of terror for American beachgoers.

Our own chief ichthyologist, Matt Walsh, is down in Tampa, Florida right now.

Matt!

What the hell is going on down there, Matt?

John, this gathering is actually an unprecedented World Shark Summit.

Now, this is a G8 for predators.

All the big sharks are here.

Blue sharks, makos, white tips.

We've got a reef shark that swam all the way up from Trinidad and Tobago just to get here, John.

I'm seeing hammerheads and bull sharks side by side.

These guys haven't talked this openly since the I Was Gnawing in This Torso First controversy back in Galveston in 86.

You remember that cold one?

Now, there's also nurse sharks here too.

They were actually in town for a separate conference.

It just kind of worked out.

If you know what I mean, John.

I think I don't.

So these sharks, you're saying, have actually gathered off the coast of Florida for a reason.

Yes, they're here to discuss discuss a host of issues, mainly shark-related, overfishing, dental care.

You got to remember these guys have three times as many teeth as we do.

They're also concerned about the way they're portrayed in TV and movies.

I mean they saw a deep blue sea.

They're not amused.

All right, Matt, I understand.

There certainly seems though to be quite a media presence.

How close have you been able to get to the shark frenzy?

Not close at all.

Mainly because of all the protesters.

Protesters?

Surfers, bathers, people that have been barred from the water?

No, John.

Tuna, Albacore, Yellowtail, huge schools of chunk lights, sashimi-wearing critters.

What are they protesting, Matt?

One issue mainly.

The being chased down and eaten thing.

Apparently they don't like it.

Well, it seems like the sharks are dispersing now.

Is there any idea where the sharks might be going?

You know, I don't know really at all, John.

I mean, Tampa's amazing.

You got Bush Gardens here.

The city's home to the third largest mall in Hillsborough County.

They got four Starbucks there.

This probably won't hit the, they won't go to the aquarium because it's like been here, done that.

The point is, Tampa's an exciting place to be right now if you're a shark or a stripper.

John?

Thank you very much, Matt.

That was excellent.

And

they may be protesting.

Thank you.

We'll be right back.

When a news story falls through the cracks, Lewis Black catches it with a segment we call Back in Black.

Well, it's summer, which always reminds me of my childhood at camp.

Canoeing, roasting marshmallows, learning how to masturbate.

Or as we called it at camp, beating the Tom-Tom.

It's all about the beat.

Nearly every adult who went to camp remembers it fondly, but like jerking off, some people just can't let go.

Summer camp, it is not just for kids anymore because more and more places, they're offering camps for adults.

All the fun things that you would do as a kid, like swimming, archery, zip lining, a ropes course, even a talent show.

We have arts and crafts.

There are also other camps there too, like space camp.

You get to go on an interactive space mission, build rockets, and train like astronauts.

What the hell is wrong with these people?

In my day, when you had a midlife crisis, you bought a red Corvette and cheated on your wife.

Now it's sharing bunk beds and making lanyards, huh?

Stop reinventing the wheel.

And don't get me started on space camp.

Kids go to space camp because there's still hope.

They'll go to actual space.

When you're a grown-up, that spaceship has sailed.

It would be like trying to seduce Roy Moore when you're 47.

You're 40 years too late.

Oh, why didn't you vote for it?

But there's another reason adults are going back to camp, and it ain't archery.

Play like a kid and party like a grown-up is the motto at Camp No Counselors, an all-inclusive weekend-long sleepaway camp for grown-ups.

The all-inclusive package includes lodging, food, an open bar, nightly parties, and tons of old-school camp activities like wheelbarrow races and hungry hungry hippo.

Oh yeah, who doesn't love getting wasted and then getting tossed like a salad?

Seriously, if I want to puke in a ball pit, I'll go to McDonald's like a normal person.

Look, it's one thing for these 40-year-old toddlers to ruin camp, but I refuse to stand by and watch them ruin booze.

In these terrible times, it's all we have left.

And besides, if all the adults are at camp pretending to be kids, who's going to do all the adult stuff?

Kids' summer camps are putting away the canoes and the kayaks and instead, in some cases, teaching kids how to manage money.

Attractive options for families who want their children to learn about budgets and business.

Here, kids from 7 to 16 learn to crunch numbers for a product they'll later design, manufacture, and market.

Oh, great!

Just what this country needs, even younger Wall Street douchebags.

I can't wait to get my house repossessed by a banker who still wears a onesie.

Though, I get why these kids are being sent to learn about money.

Someone's got to pay for their parents to play drunken cornhole.

Look, it's clear what's happening here.

These camps trick kids into doing work.

while the old folks have fun in the sun.

It's wrong.

It's despicable.

And I want in.

Hey kids, why waste your summer groping each other in the woods when you can learn a trade?

Here at Camp Worker Bee, you'll learn all sorts of skills like mowing my lawn, doing my taxes, getting things that I point at.

And as an elderly person, my clothes are old and frayed.

So you'll also be doing some light sewing, about 200 shirts an hour.

J Crew needs these tomorrow.

Don't spend the summer just sitting on your ass.

Spend it.

Wipe out my ass.

Hey, Fidelity.

How can I remember to invest every month?

With the Fidelity app, you can choose a schedule and set up recurring investments in stocks and ETFs.

Huh, that sounds easier than I thought.

You got this.

Yeah, I do.

Now, where did I put my keys?

you will find them where you left them

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Last year, the media tried to tell us it was the summer of the sharks.

Summer of the sharks.

Summer of the sharks.

The summer of the shark.

But they were just trying to scare us to boost their ratings.

So what's the real deal?

Miami Seaquarium shark expert Chris Plant set the record straight.

Is this the summer of the shark?

No.

Shouldn't we be scared of these sharks?

No.

Really, to put it in perspective, more people are killed each year by falling coconuts than sharks.

Excuse me, wait, wait a sec.

Did you say

coconuts?

More coconuts kill people each year than sharks do.

The figures don't lie.

10 deaths a year from shark attacks versus 150 from head injuries due to falling coconuts.

To find out why these predators from above crave our skulls, I spoke with coconut attack expert Peter Barse.

Just how dangerous are these coconuts?

Well, the kinetic energy of a falling coconut on the head is approximately a metric ton.

Do these coconuts kill for food or just sport?

I don't really understand that question.

But someone who does understand the question is coconut survivor Jean Jacobs.

I asked her to recount her brush with the death nut.

I was cutting some shrubs that are underneath the tree, and then suddenly I heard a noise.

And there was this coconut.

And of course, I was not hit by it.

Dr.

Barce,

is this the summer of the coconut?

Not to my knowledge.

At the moment, one of the most serious hazards we face is injuries from people falling on stairs.

The shocking truth is, stairs take more lives every year than even coconuts, preying on the elderly and the uncoordinated.

Safety code engineer Jamie Eisen.

Are stairs the silent killer?

I.

By silent killer, I...

what would you mean by that?

In that they don't make noise and they can kill.

Only way, yes, if you're not careful, yes.

It seemed clear that this is actually the summer of the stairs.

That is, until coconut survivor Gene Jacobs dropped this little bomb.

If one is not careful or cautious in what they're doing, anything can be dangerous.

And by anything, we mean, of course...

Lightning on golf courses.

Duck.

Camel bites.

Both tops can be dangerous.

I'm allergic to some fruits, raw pineapple and occasionally strawberries.

I was born in Havana, Cuba.

It turns out this is far from the summer of the shark.

It's the summer of the anything.

Stephen Colbert.

Now.

Stephen,

what's specific?

Stephen?

Yes, John.

Stephen, what are you doing down there?

Just come on up.

Just reporting?

Come on.

Come on up

and talk to us about the report.

All the way up, please.

Come on.

I'm sorry.

Is that bubble wrap?

Yes, John.

Get your own.

This is the only thing protecting me from the meteor strikes and from the peanut allergies.

Peanut allergies.

They're out there, John.

I understand.

It's a dangerous world, John.

I know that.

You go down there to debunk the fear tactics of the news and you come back here wearing bubble wrap?

I got kids, John.

I got to.

So, what, did you learn anything from going down to Florida?

Yeah, John, I did.

I learned there are some things we should be afraid of and some not.

But I'd say if there's one thing we should be afraid of this summer,

it'd be sharks.

No.

They got teeth, they smell fear, John.

They feast on human flesh and they rule the night.

All right.

Thank you very much, Stephen.

I appreciate your thoughts.

Shots.

Summer!

Summer.

People magazine called it this year's hottest season.

And whether you're kicking back at a private beach or just letting your SUV idle in the parking lot with the AC on full blast, I think we can all agree, sure as hell beats living in Zambia.

Even if you were one of the tens of thousands of tourists who flocked to the African nation to witness this morning's total eclipse of the sun, it's the first eclipse in two years and the first in over 300 years to take place on the summer solstice.

It's a fact that some observers take as an ominous portent that this summer may bring with it many, many more boring facts just like that one.

Got a whole book of them.

So what is it like to actually see a total solar eclipse?

The bright sun is gone and it's replaced by this incredibly black disk surrounded by this pearly white corona surrounding the sun.

It's a breathtaking event which makes the hair on the back of your neck stand up.

Oh,

it's bad news for anyone standing behind Dan Hidea.

Even Ed Asner looks at that and goes, that's hairy.

Meanwhile, in Britain, a 14,500-strong crowd of druids, New Age followers, and people who look tan but are just dirty gathered at Stonehenge to watch the sun rise on the year's longest day.

Police reported only five arrests during the celebration, all for minor drug offenses.

They praised the good-natured crowd.

whose good nature was no doubt enhanced by major drug offenses.

People with all sorts of things stuck in their face had nice things to say.

It's been really peaceful, hasn't it?

It's been really nice.

I'm so pleased it's been like this.

I've had a really lovely night.

Yeah.

You know, girl with chin stud has a good point, but

what about guy with eye stud?

It's something that's needed organizing for a long time and they've organized it.

It's great.

Guy with eye stud's right.

But we still haven't heard from guy with chin stud and top of nose thing.

It's just all come together.

The feeling in the circle itself is just immense, really.

Guy with chin stud and top of nose thing,

I think I'll miss you most of all.

Azee kind of nostalgic for the news stories of summers gone by.

The ultimate summer nightmare, great white shark.

The summer of the shark.

Shark attacks.

The summer of the shark.

I missed those days.

Nothing said summer like firing up the grill, mixing some GNTs, and waiting for people to be mauled by fish.

Yeah, the sharks are fish.

You wouldn't think they're fish, but they're fish.

Even though they lack a swim bladder, it's why they have to constantly move.

They lack a swim bladder.

I stay still in the water because I was born with three swim bladders.

Three.

I'm basically nothing but a swim bladder.

I really, have a feeling my Wikipedia page just changed.

But summer wasn't just about sharks.

This may be the summer of shark scares, but on one New Hampshire beach the scare came from a menacing bald eagle.

What kind of a menace are sharks and alligators?

Chilling tales of killer mosquitoes.

Call the sci-fi network pitch sharkogator.

You know,

there's a new species on the endangered list,

man.

With multiple swim bladders.

Look,

I know, I know those years.

I know those years also featured the non-scare predatory animal-based stories.

But summer news, man, it was balanced.

Like take last year, for example.

Sure, we may have had a little, we are living in a dystopian nightmare where the government is watching and listening and storing everything you do, but we washed it down with a little delicious racism and gravy

and a political sex scandal that spawned an international dance craze.

That's what I'm talking about.

I miss that guy.

The guy in the blue shirt, not the other guy, the other guy I don't miss so much.

The blue shirt, the Oliver guy, the English guy, I miss that guy.

He was my friend.

The heat has mushed your brains.

Where's this year's fresh secret identity celebrity dick pic?

Wait.

Secret identity celebrity dick pic?

That'd be another great show to pitch to.

What's that?

Oh, Bravo's already making it.

All right.

Isn't anything innocuous threatening our shores this summer?

A beachgoer shot this video of a shark.

You can see it wiggling there as it moves up to shore.

That's what I'm talking about.

Now we're into it.

Now we got something.

Fortunately, it was believed the shark was choking on a sea lion because the shark died a short time later.

Can't catch a break.

This summer's been so depressing.

The sharks are committing suicide.

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You know, there's so much arguing in America today.

But we here at the Daily Show think there could be even more.

So to do our part, here's Ronnie Jang with another installment of Prove Me Wrong.

Ice cream, vacations, long walks on the beach.

I hate all that shit.

Welcome to Prove Me Wrong.

Summer Edition.

Summer is the worst season.

Prove me wrong.

Well, I would say summer is the season where everyone's the happiest.

During the summer, everyone gets to come outside.

Everybody's shirt turns into a Roshak test.

But during the summer, when everyone's sweaty and gross, everyone's sweaty and gross.

We're all equal during the summer.

So you're making a Marxist argument for BO during summer?

Yeah, pretty much.

Yeah, sorry.

This is the free world.

The top 1% should not have B.O.

How do you smell?

Go ahead, smell me.

I dare you.

Smell the shit right now.

You smell like me.

See, we're the same.

That's not a compliment.

Pools are better than oceans.

Prove me wrong.

Pools are stinky.

They have nasty people that go in there.

They just get it with their funky bodies and their sweaty cells and this plop up in there.

Yeah, you think people don't pee and poop in the ocean?

Oh, it's.

It's not just people, by the way.

You think whales are coming on land to take a shit?

Yeah, if they want to.

No, they're not.

They're shitting in the ocean.

Okay.

It's whales, it's jellyfish, it's seals, it's octopus, it's everything in there, it's just shitting into your mouth.

Oceans are just pools that are trying to kill you.

How many shark sightings have been here this last week?

There's five.

Like, did you see the shark?

No.

Interesting.

Interesting.

Oh, so your argument is: I didn't see the shark, so therefore the ocean is safe.

So good luck out there.

I've never seen a shark at the middle

myself.

So, well, you're a shark denier.

You can't get food from pools either.

There's no fish in pools.

But in the ocean, I'd be sustaining myself.

Yeah, fresh coconuts, fresh fish.

You can't eat anything near the ocean.

The sand gets in it.

Protein.

Put your money where your mouth is.

This is food.

This is your food on the beach.

Do it.

Is that good enough for you?

Okay, I got some bad news for you.

There's no protein in sand.

Fuck out of here.

Thanks for the fries.

Thanks, bro.

Pigeons are better than seagulls.

Prove me wrong.

Pigeons are literal like rats with wings genetically.

They used to be white, but then out of like Darwinism and like after all these years, they actually turn black to adapt to like certain environments.

And they're so gross.

Why do you have to make this racial?

We're talking about pigeons versus seagulls, not why are pigeons white.

How much infowars do you watch?

No, but it's like just over time, like they start genetic.

They used to be white, but genetically, over time, they like...

People have been canceled for less than that.

Popsicles are gross, prove me wrong.

Why are popsicles gross?

I don't need to watch someone fillet a dessert.

Eating ice cream is gross enough, but at least you can't deep throat it.

I'm sorry, it prepares you for life.

That's a lot of work.

And there's lots of instances where you have to

do things similarly to eating a popsicle.

Do you work in show business?

No, but popsicles are good, man.

You got all different kinds of flavors.

Like what?

50-50 bars?

You got

an original popsicle.

You got bomb pops.

None of those are flavors.

Okay, so you tell me what flavor that is.

This is grape, and I absolutely really love grape.

Everybody hates on it, but it's so good.

Grapes don't taste like that in real life.

Okay, the guy who created the flavor grape clearly has never had a grape before.

Yeah, see?

No, that's...

You ate it like a pelican.

You didn't even chew it.

How did you do that?

It's sticking to your beard now.

Ugh.

Oh, that's so good.

Yeah, see, that's...

No, man.

Popsicles aren't gross.

You are gross.

What's wrong with what you got against popsicles?

They're messy.

They make my hands stick.

Why?

You don't eat it fast enough?

Yeah.

Can't put it in your mouth fast enough?

No, why don't you demonstrate right now?

Oh, yeah.

Okay, that's very experienced.

Look, no mouth, look at no mouths.

You still have my lip gloss on.

Okay, you know what?

That was actually, as much as I want to hate on that, that was actually pretty depressing.

I feel like you actually did prove me wrong.

So, you know what?

What's happening?

All right.

Is that what I win?

You get to wear the golden thong.

You have now earned the right to take my place.

No, I'm good.

Behind the prove me wrong.

I'm wearing my own thong.

You've clearly proven me wrong.

That's what happens when you prove me wrong.

No, no, no.

You have to take over.

No, you got to take my place now.

It's like Highlander.

You're right.

Now

take my spot.

It's summertime that wonderful time of the year when the sun is out.

kids are playing, and I sweat so much my shirt turns into a map of the Middle East.

My nipple is the Gaza Strip.

You don't want to go anywhere near it.

And on the hottest days, you have a few options.

You can hydrate, you can stay indoors, or you could always go to the beach, but only if you want to die.

Sharks, summertime, close encounters.

Scare us just feet from shore.

In South Carolina, a shark in knee-deep water, just feet away from swimmers.

And in New Jersey, a 16-foot great white feasting on a bag of bait before swimming away.

This year, Hawaii has already seen twice as many attacks as they did all of last year.

And just last week, this great white was tracked near New York's Long Island.

When a white shark bites a person, it is a mistake because it thinks that that person is a seal.

Wait a minute.

So if a white shark's biting you, it's a mistake.

But if a black shark gets caught with just a little bit of weed, it goes to jail for life?

That doesn't seem fair.

And also,

what do you mean if I get bitten, it's because I look like a seal?

So now I'm getting eaten and body shamed.

Talk about adding insult to injury.

And if you're thinking, no problem, I'll just stay in the shallow water where it's safe, well, good luck, sucker.

There are new concerns about rare but potentially deadly flesh-eating bacteria found in warm waters.

Potentially deadly bacteria can enter the body through a cutterous scrape.

According to the CDC, the bacteria causes 80,000 illnesses and 100 deaths in the U.S.

every year.

Just pay attention.

Don't be afraid of the ocean, but be aware of what's going on.

Be aware?

It's bacteria.

What am I supposed to do?

Snorkel with a microscope?

At least with a shark, I can hear the fin and the jaws music.

I can see the fin.

But flesh-eating bacteria is a silent killer, like Jason.

It's what I've always respected about him.

He's in it for the stabbing, not the chit-chat.

Also, what's with these bacteria?

They never eat the flesh that I don't want.

How about instead of my leg, why don't you guys take a nibble on my love handles?

That way you still get to eat and I don't look like a seal.

So.

So it's dangerous in the water.

It's dangerous close to the water.

And you think you're safe way up on the beach?

You better duck.

A warning about a surprising summer danger.

Beach umbrellas flying through the air, seriously injuring beachgoers.

In Ocean City, Maryland, in 2015, a bystander filming as the wind picks up these umbrellas and turns them into projectiles.

The videos wild and the situations incredibly dangerous.

Over the last 10 years, there have been reports of over 32,000 injuries related to umbrellas across the country.

Did you see that?

It's It's an umbrella uprising.

We always thought it was going to be the robots.

We never suspected the umbrellas.

And who can blame them for organizing?

We treat them like shit.

They only get pulled out in the extreme heat or the rain.

We're never like, oh, it's a beautiful day.

My umbrella deserves a walk.

But on the pus side, if you survive an umbrella impaling, at least you'll never need to buy sunscreen again.

So, whether it's sharks or bacteria or umbrellas, everything on the beach wants you dead.

But don't worry, kids, you can just simulate the experience at home.

Just turn off your air conditioning, stand in the tub with a pina colada, and shove a fistful of sand up your ass.

Happy summer, everybody!

Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching The Daily Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts.

Watch The Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Fairmount Plus.

This has been a Comedy Central podcast.

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