Jon Stewart on Israel and Iran Going to War, Minnesota Murders & MAGA’s Blame Game | John Mulaney

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You're listening to Comedy Central

from the most trusted journalists at Comedy Central.

It's America's only source for news.

This is the Daily Journal with your host, John Stewart.

My name is John Stewart.

I got a little picture tonight going for you.

What's happening?

We got a show for you tonight.

My God.

John Mulaney is going to be joining me.

Fresh off of his hit Netflix show, Squid Game.

First,

but let me just say this to start off.

Just to start off.

Weekend.

This weekend.

Terrible.

Again.

I'm so sorry.

Friday.

We were in the office on Friday.

We planned a very fun show.

It was going to be light on.

We were going to come out here, talk about little Kim Jong-Trump and his big military parade slash Kinsenyera and how it meant

that we all live in North Korea now.

All the hyperbole of this massive display of American military power really butted up against what the parade actually was, which was this.

Was that a...

Was that tank?

Was that tank squeaky?

We have a trillion-dollar budget for the military.

Nobody's got WD-40.

Nobody.

Squeaky tag.

Nobody can just go in there.

This was less a show of overwhelming force and more like a military museum getting in its steps.

It was actually kind of nice and fun.

It took you through the history of the Army.

from its days of tri-cornered hats and muskets to its brave future

as robot dog walkers.

hey hey hey

he's in straight who's gonna clean up these ball bearings you just gonna

who's got a three til the ton explosive nose you do

you do

can I boop no probably

but for all the hype It was a relatively reserved, not particularly well-attended event that left all the VIPs lucky enough to see it

bored out of the f ⁇ ing lines.

Meanwhile, the real crowds turned out for the No Kings March, where millions gathered in cities all across the country to protest

our slow descent into authoritarian dystopia.

They protested and showed off all the hats they made.

And in Boston, the No Kings parade conveniently coincided with the Pride Parade.

And

it was

wait a minute.

The gays have developed robot dogs as well?

The gays,

the gays have the advanced technology

or are those just the gay robot dogs that Secretary of Defense Hegseth wouldn't allow to serve openly in our other

army?

Is that

they're not allowed to serve?

Well, guess what, Secretary Hegseth?

They are

serving.

The point is, no kings appeared to be arousing success, and the military parade's failure to succeed in its grandiose objectives can be described in really this one Fox News clip.

And I promise you, we did not edit this in any way.

If I was the Ayatollah

watching Fox News coverage, which I hope he is, of this parade, I would be very frightened.

And I would be thinking twice about whether I want to retaliate against the United States.

The Ayatollah would be frightened.

They're waving.

Does the Ayatollah know the Americans have obtained jazz hands?

Surrender or dance.

But as always, reality was no match for President Donald Trump, who set a very specific and low bar of success for his birthday parade.

Last night was a tremendous success with a fantastic audience.

It was supposed to rain.

They gave it a 100% chance of rain, and it didn't rain at all.

It was beautiful.

Nothing says I just turned 79.

Like shouting about how the weather forecast was wrong.

It was a tremendous success.

They said it would rain.

I knew it wouldn't rain.

You know how I knew?

My right knee didn't bark.

It's going to rain.

It always barks.

You see?

That show about that stuff.

Fun, carefree, light, enjoyable.

Old man talking weather, gay robot dogs.

The world that could have been, you, the viewer, would have enjoyed.

But the reason why we couldn't spend the whole show on the parade, perhaps the reason why the parade wasn't as extravagant as it could have been, was because our most impressive military shit this weekend was being used elsewhere.

Tonight, Israel announcing it has launched a military strike against Iran.

Smoke seen rising in Tehran in video posted online.

And overnight, Iranian strikes in Israel.

Retaliation, it says, for Israel's attack on its nuclear, military, and energy infrastructure.

Now, there are concerns about how much this could escalate.

Could

escalate?

The whole

region is escalate.

It's all on fire.

This is a wedding video from Lebanon over the weekend.

Missiles, fireworks, doesn't matter.

I now pronounce you man and duck.

But what happened with Iran?

Weren't we about to make a nuclear deal?

Wasn't our deal maker-in-chief making a deal to keep Iran from enriching uranium?

Actually, didn't we have a deal before our dealmaker-in-chief so wisely pulled us from that deal?

Why did this have to go bomb-y on Iran now?

And by next spring, at most, by next summer, at current enrichment rates,

they will have finished the medium enrichment

and move on to the final stage.

Iran is months away from having a nuclear bomb, says Netanyahu,

in 2012.

By the way, did Iran happen to get that bomb from a company called Acme?

Like...

Will it be delivered to Israel on rocket-powered skates?

Will it go off in a tumultuous meet me?

Seriously, why did we have to bomb Iran now?

Iran is so dangerous.

Weeks away from having the fissile material for an entire arsenal of nuclear bombs.

Holy shit, that's why Iran's only weeks away from having an entire arsenal of nuclear bombs, says Netanyahu.

In 2015.

2015!

Think about that.

Back when we all thought, oh no, the Republicans might nominate that madman, Jeb Bush.

Should have gone with the question, Mark.

No, seriously, I'm not being facetious.

I really want to know why we had to bomb Iran now.

We're going to show you Iran's secret nuclear files.

Here's the warhead.

Here's the bomb.

And that's from 2018.

I don't know if Iran is any closer to having a bomb, but it is clear Israel now has the capacity to enrich their drawings.

Netanyahu,

I swear to God,

Netanyahu talks about Iran getting nukes the way I talk about the Knicks winning a title.

This

is the year.

The Knicks are one piece away.

Weeks away

from winning a title.

They never win a f ⁇ ing title.

Of course, a hot war between Israel and Iran could threaten the United States.

It's best we stay out of it.

Secretary of State Marco Rubio is saying Israel took unilateral action against Iran and that the U.S.

is not involved in strikes.

We're not involved.

That's good.

That's good.

The U.S.

says it was informed beforehand.

Good neighbor policy.

We were informed.

Let us know.

Still not being involved, really.

President Trump acknowledged yesterday that he was aware of the Israeli operation and he gave it a green light.

They don't know what they're talking about.

We were told we approved.

It's still Israel's game.

Israel used American equipment during its initial strikes against Iran.

What the f ⁇ are we doing?

All right, so we knew.

And we approved.

And we gave them all the shit to do it with.

I'm confused.

Are we involved?

I think I need clarification from our parade grand marshal-in-chief.

The president made it clear that the United States is not involved.

He wanted to make that very clear, but at the same time, it's possible that we could get involved, but we're not involved at this moment.

See?

We're Switzerland.

Perhaps the reason why the president is being cagey about all this is because not all of the MAGA are embracing Netanyahu's bomb fetishes.

We cannot be dragged into, inexorably dragged into a war in the Middle East.

We put America first, and that means American interests first.

Our MAGA base, they do not want the United States to be engaged in this.

I don't know anyone that wakes up

and thinks about bombing Iran.

She doesn't know anyone who wakes up and thinks about bombing Iran.

I got to tell you.

I don't think she knows anyone who wakes up and thinks.

But, credit!

They enjoy that one.

But you know what?

I'm going to say this.

This may surprise some people.

Credit where credit is due.

I certainly have tremendous policy and,

in some instances, space laser differences with these folks.

But I applaud any group that is steadfast in a diplomacy-first posture.

The only problem with their posture that I see with it is their reluctance to commit America's military to fighting drawn-out and often pointless wars doesn't seem to extend to America.

President Trump should fully deploy the military in the streets.

Take back the streets of L.A.

Do it and do it fast.

Huh?

Doesn't want to be in Iran.

He wants to be in LA.

He doesn't want to deploy the military overseas.

He wants to save the military for the real threat,

us.

He's not being hypocritical, just mind-blowing.

The MAGA mindset appears to be: we didn't vote for foreign wars.

We voted for a civil war.

This is a war.

The battle for America was going to take place in Los Angeles.

The only way to win here is to double and triple down.

The current war that we are seeing waged by the Democrats, by the foreign nationals waving Mexican flags.

The city of Los Angeles is an occupied city.

It is time to retake the cities of this country.

It is time to use force.

What the f?

They are looking for any pretense.

They are looking for any pretense to sick their robot dogs on Democrats.

And the strategy that they're using is to inflate the threat that this country now faces, to so rile up their base as to make the left in this country represented by over 75 million votes in the past presidential election as a legitimate military target for the United States of America.

It's a strategy that's been used before to gin up military conflict.

See if you recognize it.

The good people of Iraq.

They want a peaceful country.

They want security.

The good people of Los Angeles deserve to be secure in their homes.

We're not going anywhere until there is a stable environment.

We're not going anywhere.

We're here to maintain the peace.

Liberate Iraq from the tyranny.

Liberate the city from the

socialists.

We will liberate the people of Iraq.

We will liberate Los Angeles.

We must!

They don't understand yet.

We must invade Los Angeles.

We cannot have the world's most dangerous people eating the world's most delicious tacos.

It's so f ⁇ ing absurd to paint the opposition party in your country as a fifth column, an enemy from within.

But again, like, I don't want to overreact, I don't want to strain the metaphor too much.

It's not like the right is calling for the need for a kind of

Iraq-like debathification program to remove Democrats from government post-liberation.

We need like a debathification program.

Fire every single mid-level bureaucrat, every civil servant in the administrative state, replace them with our people.

They're insane.

By the way,

was that guy's beard used to color J.D.

Vance's eyes?

So there you have it.

We've got Israel stoking foreign wars.

We've got the right in this country pushing for domestic war.

And I haven't even gotten to the one thing this weekend that was actually really so f ⁇ ed up.

It's almost too much show.

You know, in fact, I'm going to break form.

Let's take an intermission.

Here we go.

All right.

Intermission over.

Thank you.

Welcome back to the show.

All right.

This is the kind of shit that I hate having to do on the show.

But as you know,

Minnesota was the site of horrible violence where a state house leader and her husband were killed.

A state senator and his wife were shot.

The only positive is that the person who perpetrated these acts has finally been caught.

Finally.

But what I was really struck by is what seemed to be on everybody's mind in the midst of this horror.

This morning, a lot of questions remain like, what was his motive?

Why?

A motive.

Why did he do this?

When do we learn about motive?

Everyone wants to know why, Bill.

His roommate, he says that the suspect was a Trump supporter.

This is a Tim Waltz appointee.

This is a Democrat.

I'm going to be honest, and I truly mean this.

I mean no disrespect.

Like,

I don't give a f

why this person did it.

I just don't give a f.

I don't care.

I don't care.

whose team he's on.

I don't care if he listens to NPR or Fox News.

I don't give a flying f ⁇ .

What blows my mind is our resignation in the aftermath of this nonsense.

What are you going to do?

I don't know.

Put a shit ton of funding into mental health funding, put a shit ton of money into illegal weapons interdiction.

Maybe that chip, maybe, maybe the...

What do you call it there?

Maybe.

Maybe the chip that Bill Gates had injected in all of us during COVID could have a self-destruct button?

take people out before they do this shit?

For God's sakes, can't we do that?

Grubhub knows when I want pizza.

You don't think Grubhub doesn't know when people are getting murderous?

What's the difference between hungry and hangry?

What's the difference?

We're willing to do things about other issues.

We just heard about it.

Why are they attacking Los Angeles right now?

Why is the right so willing to tear our cities apart in this moment?

Dangerous criminals continue to flood our nation and kill our citizens.

This has to stop.

I mean, I think about it for my grandkids.

I mean, how safe are they in this society?

One woman or one child violated by an illegal alien is one too many.

The alarm bells were going off a long time ago.

A lot of Democrats will defend this and say, well, you know, it's such a small percentage.

They have blood on their hands, pure and simple.

One is too many.

One is too many.

One death.

By the way, true.

It is too many.

Violence should never be accepted.

It should never be tolerated.

But that's for their issue.

In the wake of Sandy Hook and Uvalde and Parkland and El Paso and Lewiston and Aurora.

and Buffalo and Boulder and Binghamton and Highland Park and Monterey Park and San Bernardino and San Jose and San Francisco and the Pulse Nightclub and the Colorado Springs Nightclub and the Little Rock Nightclub and the Borderline Bar in Thousand Oaks and the Ned Peppers Bar in Dayton and the Waffle House in Nashville and Virginia Tech and UVA and MSU and UCSB and FSU and NIU and SMC and the Sutherland Springs Church and the Mother Emmanuel Church in Charleston and the Living Church of God and the Tree of Life Synagogue and the Allen Mall and the Westroads Mall and Fort Hood and Lockheed Martin and what are we f ⁇ ing doing?

What are we doing?

By the way, by the way,

that is

a

wildly incomplete list.

We kept it to the last 25 years and it's still not everything.

And what's their response to all that?

They're doing the same thing that they always do after there's a mass shooting and they politicize it.

The issue is not with the Second Amendment.

Guns aren't the problem.

Does a gun commit crime?

Democrats want to take away your guns.

They don't want to solve problems.

Turns out, when it comes to mass shootings, ones not too many.

Actually, a shitload isn't too many.

And by the way, you can say Second Amendment all you want, but you definitely don't seem to mind throwing out the Constitution when it comes to deportation.

And I am legitimately asking this question.

This is truly legitimate.

Like,

I know I can be like,

but like, I am genuinely baffled.

Why is it when a foreigner or someone that shouldn't be here kills one of us, we're going to put $150 billion into border security, we're going to militarize our cities, we're going to spend trillions of dollars to bomb and destabilize foreign countries overseas, we're going to ban people from random countries from ever f ⁇ ing visiting here, we're going to take our shoes off at the airport forever.

But when we do it to ourselves,

nothing.

Is it that the only acceptable deaths are those that are made in America?

Our only response now is to tally up the psycho-scoreboard on whose side the perp belongs to?

I honestly would like to know.

Like, it makes no sense.

It's jarring cognitive dizziness.

This is Senator Mike Lee, all right?

Great state of Utah, which by the way, suffered a tragic shooting death at one of their No Kings events over the weekend.

And just a little backstory.

I've met Senator Lee.

He's the best.

In 2019, when we were trying to get permanent reauthorization of the Ray Pfeiffer Louis Alvarez-Zedroga Act, we met with Senator Mike Lee in his office.

down in Washington.

We had a team of Feel Good Foundation and a team of first responders with us.

Firefighters, cops, other people.

One of the cops had been in the first tower when it collapsed.

Right?

So, all these first responders are going around the table and they are sharing their stories to try and get Senator Mike Lee to support this bill that's going to provide life-saving coverage and money to the victims of this terrible terrorist attack and the illnesses they are suffering since then.

When the one cop says his story about being in the tower that collapsed and the aftermath,

when he told Senator Lee about that experience, Senator Lee smiled and said,

I bet you've got a lot of stories.

Of

dead, of like what?

Spring break?

Like, what are you talking about?

We met a lot of people in Washington.

Some were hopeful, some of those meetings, some were upsetting meetings.

That That was the only meeting where we all walked out and looked at each other and went, what the f is wrong with that guy?

The only one.

I say this for context, for why I use Senator Lee as the avatar for the insanity of this moment.

Here he is on the Senate floor talking about why he is for these you could call draconian immigration policies.

The tragic case of Lake Run Riley, a life cut short short by an illegal alien.

Her case represents hundreds of thousands

of families across this nation whose lives have been upended by the invasion that our leaders allowed to happen.

Now, look, he's right to be upset at our leaders for allowing unsafe conditions to happen.

That's fine.

Here's Mike Lee.

tweeting this weekend about the assassination of a Democratic legislator and her husband just hours after we all learned about this tragedy.

Republican Senator Mike Lee of Utah posted a picture of the suspect at the door of one of the lawmakers with the caption, this is what happens when Marxists don't get their way.

And by the way, he didn't just post that.

He didn't just post that.

He pinned that to the top of whatever the f ⁇ it is that you pin stuff on on Twitter, your Twitter refrigerator to show off your Twitter work.

And And then to let all of us know that that is not the depth of his depravity, that he can go deeper, he posted this.

The senator posted another picture with the caption, Nightmare on Wall Street, mocking, of course, the name of the Minnesota governor.

Okay, first of all,

Elm Street to Wall Street

is a shitty pun.

As a comedian, I must object.

You've got Wolf of Wall Street just sitting there.

And second, I truly want to know why in his mind, one death, the hands of an immigrant, is worth $150 billion of border security, a militarization of American cities.

Well, just the blue cities.

I know the undocumented immigrants in red state fields are the good ones now, suddenly.

That and I guess Mar-a-Lago hospitality workers.

But I want to know

why those deaths in Minnesota are worth only a night of of Edge Lord shit posting?

No billions for mental health, no stopping illegal weapons trafficking, no nothing.

We should ask him why.

I bet he's got some stories to tell.

When we come back, John Mulaney, don't go away.

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Oh, my guest tonight, one of my favorites.

One of my favorites, not just as a comedian, as a person.

My guest tonight, an actor, writer, comedian, host the Netflix show Everybody's Live.

Please welcome John Mulaney.

That was not, when, when was that a week ago?

This was two weeks ago.

That fight was two weeks ago, yeah.

Those gentlemen, and I call them gentlemen.

Yeah, young men.

Young men, 13.

14.

14.

No, 14.

Three 14-year-olds, I'm 42.

They add up to me.

They do add up to you.

Yeah, they do.

Yeah.

You show no worse for wear.

You look healthy.

You look, I saw no limp.

I'm moving slower.

Do you still feel the ache?

I still feel that lactic acid.

You ever fought three boys and you get that lactic acid buildup in the lower body?

I don't think they've, most people haven't fought.

Everyone should.

Let me say this.

Obviously there's a lot going on right now.

This is the most important message you'll hear tonight, but

everyone should fight three teenagers

once a year.

Follow the rules we did.

No eye gouging, no cutting off of airways, no punching, no kicking, just sort of advanced hugging and wrestling.

Sure.

And you'll feel so much better.

I feel invigorated.

I really, I've never been more present in my life because I had to be for that fight.

You understand what I mean?

So in some ways, it's like skydiving for Everest.

Sure.

Except with 14-year-olds.

Exactly.

Like they said about Everest, why do it?

Because it's there.

Well, technically, I flew those boys in, but

once they were there, I said, I'm going to...

When you flew them in, I'm just curious for no apparent reason.

Overstate lines?

Was that overstate lines?

Yeah, yeah, but I checked, and I don't mind answering that because I checked all that shit out.

I made sure.

No, I really did.

No, I think you should.

Traveling teens, you got to always dot your eyes and stuff.

Sure.

So I brought them in separate hotels.

Don't let them meet.

For real.

Because I couldn't get them to, I didn't want them planning anything or developing any strategy.

How long, if I may?

Sure.

By the way, in that episode, that was the final episode of your 12-week

and you did 12 in a row, which I thought was, in some ways, bragging.

To do 12 weeks in a row,

we wanted very much to stop at seven, but we then made the rest of us look a little bit

pathetic.

No, you've got a rigorous schedule, Mondays, and then, yeah.

You don't know.

You don't know when I'm out here at the children I fight.

You have no idea.

So these 14-year-old Jacob, Ben, and Adarsh.

Who was the one who began to go silver back after it was over?

There was one of them, as soon as it went over, he jumped up and went,

I think that was Adarsh.

If I'm getting it wrong, I apologize.

But Jacob had never met Adarsh.

Adarsh had never met Ben.

Ben had never met Jacob.

They never met till they met on the map.

Randomly selected?

No, there were thousands of submissions.

Or maybe there was like a hundred.

I don't know.

But we found three, right?

Yes.

So

then

selected by one of my writers, the great Langston Kerman.

Langston Kerman?

Hilarious.

Hilarious comedian.

Yes.

Great actor, hilarious comedian.

Lovely man.

He was a teacher for many years, and he fought his students one day

like they just were ragging on him.

And so he locked the door of these three boys and they just went at it.

And I think whatever the statute's...

Is this the plot of Lean on Me?

I think this is...

And did he have a bat?

No, but it was as if Joe Clark from Lean on Me took it to the appropriate level, which is some fighting.

There's all these podcasters now talk about a crisis with men and boys.

Sure.

Right?

And a lot of them.

Oh, I listen to the male.

Yeah, they're on testosterone.

Sure.

They shave their heads and things like this.

And they talk.

And they talk, they make little video diaries in their basement and so forth.

But if you want to really get to the root of it, you get three of them together, get them in nice suits and helmets, and you get in a suit yourself and you go at it.

Let me tell you something because I hadn't looked at it in this way.

You weren't just fighting for entertainment in many ways this was a crusade to save American youth and maleness.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

You are if I may

this is not frivolous.

Yeah.

You are the man in the arena.

Literally.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Teddy Roosevelt.

Yeah, Teddy Roosevelt, that quote, have you ever been sent that?

That means you have a big failure.

I had a sitcom that was shot out of the air like a duck in duck hunt and everyone sent me that quote and I was like man this must be bombing because everyone's

everyone's sending me the man in the arena now these kids if I may say I thought you held your own for god must have been 41 seconds 47 seconds right 47 seconds which is no small Feat for an asthmatic or whatever, I don't know what, physically or mentally.

Listen, I don't have a lot of physical prowess.

I fought when I was younger, but those I'm much older now.

What I had that they don't have, and a lot of kids don't have this if you ever want to fight one, is they don't have core strength.

But I do a lot of core because I have a tear in my hip, which I've been open about.

So it's not cheating.

A lot of PT.

Did they know about the hip?

I did.

They did.

They knew about the hip.

They didn't target the hip.

Yeah, they went for the hip.

Yeah.

They really went for this leg because they knew I was a goner.

I was going to sink right into the labrum tear.

But 47 seconds I stood until they were were choking me out on the mat.

Can I tell you something though?

So those first 30 seconds were chaotic.

They were chaotic.

I thought for a moment that you had it, but then it was like in a movie about, you ever seen those alien movies where we have the upper hand, but then all of a sudden they're like, I think they're learning.

Yes.

There was a moment, it might have been in Adarsh's eyes.

Yes.

Where they made contact and they began to operate as the Borg, as a hive.

They operated like a three-boy monster.

Yes.

They, uh, they, I was, I, I see, I knew if I charged first, see, I knew I had a couple brilliant move.

I had a couple advantages on them.

I'm not self-conscious the way a 14-year-old is, right?

So I said, I'm gonna charge Jacob with everything I have, right?

He's the biggest of them, and I didn't want him on my back.

So I go right at Jacob.

You had a plan.

I had a plan, but I didn't realize how much I needed to keep moving.

As Ben and Adarsh closed in on me, Adam Sandler, who's standing right off the the ring.

Was he your corner man?

Sort of.

Sean Penn was just smoking.

But Adam.

Sean Penn, but if you want to watch this episode, it is like maybe the most perfect hour-long episode of television.

In the middle of it, there is a sincere 15-minute interview with Sean Penn.

He and I must go to the same plastic surgeon because we both look like we sleep in a meat dehydrator.

But

Sean Penn goes to third world countries and they go, are you okay?

No, he's a good man.

He's a tough man he is by the way I don't think against Sean Penn I don't think a darsh would have been beaten the chest I think one of them would be left with their heart out of their chest and Sean Penn just gnawing on it in front of the other ones yes we get into it Sean Penn and I about his Malibu surfing days and the violence that erupted out of what seems like a tranquil activity.

That's right.

So the problem was,

and

I hope there's a camera angle.

I'll have to go through all the raw footage and I plan to.

Did you have the all-22 of the the fight?

Do you have?

Do you have the 20?

That's going to be the third act of my life.

People visit me in a weird house, and I show them the raw footage and prove I could have won.

There's a moment where I get Jacob off my back, and I go for a darsh, and I choke.

I just can't throw him.

I just, I go like that, and I go, I can't.

Was it a leverage thing?

Was it you went for the wrong angle?

No, it was just.

It wasn't in me.

And that was an important lesson in masculinity, you know?

That, you're right.

And

I went, this is not me, right?

Don't we all face our own adarsh and go,

I could throw this boy now right at Sean Penn,

but I'm not going to do it.

You get a cigarette right in the eye.

You're processing this in real time.

In real time.

You're able to do this.

Was it kind of a slow?

Plus, I know that Bone Thugs in Harmony is waiting off stage.

Which, by the way, when they come out.

They come out.

Beautiful music.

It's a beautiful moment.

You're hearing something from the the audience that I think I was feeling when I was at home.

And what you heard, you might not have heard it from there, is one woman just went, what?

And I think that's exactly right.

And I think if I were, and again, I've been in television a long time, but if I were in the writer's room or in the production and you were walking me through what was about to happen, I think I also might at some point within the conversation go, what?

Yeah.

Our team, our wonderful director Joe DeMayo and our lighting designer.

Joey DeMayo.

Yeah, Joey DeMayo.

We used to work together at MTV.

Lovely man.

And our wonderful lighting designer, Brian Clunder, who doesn't look like shit, doesn't look like any famous people.

Couldn't win a single

and wait till someone emerges and becomes famous that looks like Brian Clunder.

But we talked it out and they said, when does Bone Thugs know to come out?

And I said, when the boys tap out.

That was going to be, I was just so confident.

It's a brilliant.

I really appreciate it.

Thanks.

You texted me after I showed all the writers.

We were really thrilled to be able to do that.

I loved it.

My only question is, is there any thought for you, and this is in recognizing your limitations, of going down in age class or weight class, maybe trying this.

I think eight to nine-year-olds.

Yeah.

I'm telling you, I think that could be...

I think,

this is my feeling.

I think that could be the sweet spot

where,

and I'm even going to throw this out there, four of them, if you still wanted to add up to your age.

Sure, we could do that.

I mean, it's basically probably unconsciously all building up to me fighting my own son who's three and a half.

By the way.

You know what he does?

He gets on top of me and he puts his thumbs over my eyes and he goes, no, no, dada, open your eyes.

He really wants to go sockets into the brain.

Really wants to go sockets into the brain.

Yeah.

I got to tell you, when they do, you know, my boy.

Yeah.

The day he beat me in arm wrestling, I really thought he would have a little bit more of a realization of like that this is a mortality play.

Like he's gonna beat me.

So I said to him I go when you finally beat me like it's not gonna feel as good as you think it's gonna be.

It's gonna make you sad.

It's gonna make you realize something.

It didn't.

He

loved it.

Yeah.

And to this day

I think the relationship changed to where he physically knows I've got no shot against one of him.

Yeah.

And then he married your wife.

What?

That's that's

that's international arm wrestling dad rules.

I have got to make a call.

Hold on.

It's fabulous.

And I'm just so delighted for you and the whole family.

And you guys are lovely.

But I did want to ask you, you know, you and I talked about, we knew we weren't going to talk about anything because we never talk about anything.

We just f ⁇ around.

And I didn't want to let it go because you're an important guest and you're an important figure in show business and comedy.

I wanted to treated you as such.

That's a very nice thing.

And so I didn't know what to ask you.

So I just went through past interviews.

This is really wild to be on the daily show with you, by the way.

We've never done this before.

It's just like, I can't express how what it's a very cool moment.

Really?

Yeah, it's clean.

For me as well.

It's cool.

For you.

It's a good moment for me.

I was an intern.

When I was an intern at Comedy Central, a big thing was a lot of Viacom execs would ask for tickets to the Daily Show.

And it was so, I mean, this was like 2003, 2004, couldn't get in, couldn't get in the room.

So I'd give them tickets to tough crap.

Colin would go, I don't know if

it's all right.

These are

questions that I had asked other guests

that I've been on.

Okay.

And I would like to ask you, and whether you,

I don't know if you'll know, you can answer them or if you'd even know who I'm asking.

Wait, these are random.

You're not going to say who you asked them to.

You're just going to ask the question.

That's right.

That's great.

But these are other important guests.

Okay.

Guests that I was delighted that we were able to have.

Oh, very nice.

John?

You are renowned as a man of peace.

The John part I added.

That's a good idea.

Oh, okay.

All right.

I was like the first clue.

Yeah,

it's not.

It's actually a red-hering and misdirector.

Okay.

All right.

You are renowned as a man of peace.

So I've got to ask,

what are people saying about us, America?

are they digging us

I swear to God you think your show is loose I'm gonna show you I pioneered lack of preparation thank you yeah you were a great innovator and no pre-interview thank you

um

Desmond Tutu that's exactly right yeah

this is Desmond Tutu

excellent Excellent, excellent.

And I bet the answer, he would giggle a lot.

Remember, he had a woo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.

He had the best laugh.

I don't understand.

I once saw a video of him and the Dalai Lama.

I don't know what it was from, but they were on stage just cracking up.

Can I tell you when I would see Desmond Tutu and the Dalai Lama talk?

It looked like a helium birthday party.

I know.

Like they were all just sucking.

It looked like the late Carol Burnett.

Yes.

You and I should work together.

I know.

Here's a question I asked of a guest.

Okay.

Where's Osama bin Laden?

Donald Rumsfeld?

Close.

Ooh.

Pervez Musharraf, the president of Pakistan at the time.

Mother of Pakistan.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wow, he came here?

Dude, he came here.

He was doing his autobiography.

It was a tour for his autobiography.

His autobiography.

Security was, Al-Qaeda was trying to kill him.

Security was everywhere.

Like, I mean,

guns,

bomb sniffing, everything.

Pakistan Secret Service, American Secret Service.

And the whole time I was like, this dude is risking his life

to be on this show.

And I was like, I should have read the book.

When did the Taliban come to Swat Valley?

When did they come to Swat Valley?

We believe that

the Taliban have had a stronghold in that area for some time.

The rest would be classified.

Who would I have asked that?

Who would you have asked that to?

Who could you have asked that that would have dared face you down?

Dick Cheney?

Malala, you suffered.

I love Malala.

Oh, here's a good one.

Give us the range of chimpanzee behavior

from dressing up like us and playing the cymbals to biting that woman's face off.

What's the full range?

Okay.

Like Jack Hannah?

Jane Goodall.

I'm so bad at this.

All right.

That'll be it.

But that,

all right.

Hey, did you ever have on that guy, remember that dude that threw his shoes at George W.

Bush?

Did he do the circuit?

I don't remember.

No, no, but

honestly, like, I'm a big fan of so many comedians who work at the craft, but the funniest thing that's ever happened on television in my life was that guy.

Shoe.

And you saw this weird look in Bush's eyes where he's like, oh, we play in shoes?

Like, he,

like, he knew it as a game.

He immediately went.

It was coming anyway.

Yep.

Yep.

Like, he went down.

That's a dude.

And, like, listen, we both have our problems with him, but that guy could duck shoes.

And he,

you were clear.

What it said to us was, this isn't the first time someone's

thrown both of this shoes.

Did he end up?

I did that at rehab once in group.

You did the George Bush shoe bed?

There was this guy that blamed his wife for everything.

And I said,

not as a joke, the rest of the room thought it was a joke.

I was like, if you do that again, I'm going, if you don't get into your responsibility and take

some responsibility for what you did, I'm going to throw my shoes at you like that guy did at George W.

Bush.

Big laugh in group.

The guy did it again, one shoe.

Yeah.

that guy's still sober is he really yeah and it was the second shoe that did the fear the the fear of the second shoe

do you remember in Iraq did that guy have one more shoe in the chamber or did yeah he got these

two shoes I think he emptied both chambers two shoes right yeah and I'm guessing slip-ons though I never inspected them

they appeared to be slip-ons they did not to be perfectly frank, did not seem to be the heaviest, most structured shoes.

They seemed to be.

Yeah, it was a loose shoe.

That's no question.

I'm so happy to see you.

It's so happy to see you.

Mr.

John Marini,

next place, at the Warriors Delon, mixed the whatever tour from JohnMarini.com.

John Marini, what do you think of the place?

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That's our cover tonight.

Before we go, we're going to check in with your host for the rest of the week.

Jordan Clapper, Jordan.

Jordan.

Yes.

What's on deck for this week?

Ooh, two words, John.

Trump mobile.

Today, the Trump family announced they're starting their very own mobile phone company.

And experts are saying this new phone could completely revolutionize the way dum-dums get scammed out of money.

Needless to say, I got one.

I mean, this is true.

Yeah.

Is this a good use of the president's time?

Oh,

of course it is, John.

That's what MAGA voted for, a president with the same LinkedIn page as Ryan Reynolds.

So he's not going to be trying to find a solution to Iran-Israel war?

Oh, oh, he's got a solution.

The two sides won't be fighting once they discover the smooth taste of Trump tequila.

One sip and it's so long, Middle East.

Hello, Margaritaville.

I don't think tequila is going to be enough at this point.

Why, has it gotten bad?

I haven't checked the news.

My Trump phone gets zero bar.

Jordan, Jordan Clapper, everybody.

Here it is.

Your moment is out.

Let me tell you, you're going to see something.

This is not an average parade.

This is a full-on military parade, U.S.

Army on demonstration through the years.

You're in for something special because America's special and we deserve it.

We should celebrate it, not apologize for it.

This parade's going to be awesome.

Take that, haters.

Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching The Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts.

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