Jon Stewart on Israel and Iran Going to War, Minnesota Murders & MAGA’s Blame Game | John Mulaney

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Speaker 5 You're listening to Comedy Central.

Speaker 6 From the most trusted journalists at Comedy Central, it's America's only source for news.

Speaker 7 This is the Daily Journal with your host, John Stewart.

Speaker 7 My name is John Stewart. I got a little picture today.

Speaker 9 What's happening? We got a show for you tonight.

Speaker 3 My God,

Speaker 11 John Mulaney is going to be joining me.

Speaker 13 Fresh off of his hit Netflix show Squid Game.

Speaker 15 First,

Speaker 16 but let me just say this to start off.

Speaker 16 Just to start off.

Speaker 16 Weekend.

Speaker 17 This weekend.

Speaker 7 Terrible

Speaker 3 again.

Speaker 3 I'm so sorry.

Speaker 18 Friday.

Speaker 3 We were in the office on Friday.

Speaker 6 We planned a very fun show.

Speaker 1 It was going to be light on.

Speaker 16 We were going to come out here, talk about little Kim Jong-Trump and his big military parade slash Kinsenyara and how it meant

Speaker 19 that we all live in North Korea now.

Speaker 13 All the hyperbole of this massive display of American military power really butted up against what the parade actually was, which was this.

Speaker 13 Was that a

Speaker 13 was that tank?

Speaker 13 Was that tank squeaky?

Speaker 10 We have a trillion dollar budget for the military.

Speaker 19 Nobody's got WD-40.

Speaker 10 Nobody.

Speaker 9 Squeaky tag.

Speaker 19 Nobody can just go in there.

Speaker 27 This was less a show of overwhelming force and more like a military museum getting in its steps.

Speaker 27 It was actually

Speaker 27 kind of nice and fun.

Speaker 12 It took you through the history of the Army.

Speaker 9 from its days of tri-cornered hats and muskets to its brave future

Speaker 3 as robot dog walkers

Speaker 19 hey hey hey he's in the street who's gonna clean up these ball bearings you're just gonna

Speaker 29 who's got a three kiloton explosive nose you do

Speaker 11 you do

Speaker 30 can I boop no probably

Speaker 25 But for all the hype, it was a relatively reserved, not particularly well-attended event that left all the VIPs lucky enough to see it

Speaker 25 bored out of their f ⁇ ing minds.

Speaker 25 Meanwhile, the real crowds turned out for the No Kings March, where millions gathered in cities all across the country to protest

Speaker 22 our slow descent.

Speaker 8 into authoritarian dystopia.

Speaker 19 They protested and showed off all the hats they made.

Speaker 23 And in Boston, the No Kings parade conveniently coincided with the Pride Parade.

Speaker 11 And

Speaker 7 it was,

Speaker 8 wait a minute.

Speaker 8 The gays have developed robot dogs as well?

Speaker 19 The gays,

Speaker 8 The gays have the advanced technology?

Speaker 12 Or are those just the gay robot dogs that Secretary of Defense Hegseth wouldn't allow to serve openly in our other

Speaker 21 army? Is that

Speaker 22 they're not allowed to serve?

Speaker 25 Well, guess what, Secretary Hegseth?

Speaker 17 They are

Speaker 34 serving.

Speaker 29 The point point is, no kings appeared to be a rousing success, and the military parade's failure to succeed in its grandiose objectives can be described in really this one Fox News clip.

Speaker 27 And I promise you, we did not edit this in any way.

Speaker 38 If I was the Ayatollah

Speaker 38 watching Fox News coverage, which I hope he is, of this parade,

Speaker 38 I would be very frightened, and I would be thinking twice about whether I want to retaliate against the United States.

Speaker 40 The Ayatollah would be frightened.

Speaker 1 They're waving.

Speaker 29 Does the Ayatollah know the Americans have obtained jazz hands?

Speaker 18 Surrender or dance.

Speaker 41 But as always, reality was no match for President Donald Trump, who set a very specific and low bar of success for his birthday parade.

Speaker 42 Last night was a tremendous success with a fantastic audience. It was supposed to rain.
They gave it a 100% chance of rain, and it didn't rain at all. It was beautiful.

Speaker 43 Nothing says I just turned 79

Speaker 32 like shouting about how the weather forecast was wrong.

Speaker 32 It was a tremendous success.

Speaker 9 They said it would rain.

Speaker 19 I knew it wouldn't rain. You know how I knew?

Speaker 3 My right knee didn't bark.

Speaker 25 It's going to rain. It always barks.

Speaker 24 You see?

Speaker 12 That show about that stuff.

Speaker 44 Fun, carefree, light, enjoyable.

Speaker 40 Old man talking weather, gay robot dogs.

Speaker 45 The world that could have been you, the viewer, would have enjoyed.

Speaker 45 But the reason why we couldn't spend the whole show on the parade, perhaps the reason why the parade wasn't as extravagant as it could have been, was because our most impressive military shit

Speaker 47 this weekend was being used elsewhere.

Speaker 48 Tonight, Israel announcing it has launched a military strike against Iran. Smoke seen rising in Tehran in video posted online.

Speaker 49 And overnight, Iranian strikes in Israel. Retaliation, it says, for Israel's attack on its nuclear, military, and energy infrastructure.

Speaker 51 Now, there are concerns about how much this could escalate.

Speaker 1 Could

Speaker 36 escalate?

Speaker 19 The whole ⁇ ing region is escalate.

Speaker 24 It's all on fire.

Speaker 25 This is a wedding video from Lebanon over the weekend.

Speaker 40 Missiles, fireworks, doesn't matter.

Speaker 19 I now pronounce you man and duck.

Speaker 6 But what happened with Iran?

Speaker 24 Weren't we about to make a nuclear deal?

Speaker 13 Wasn't our deal maker-in-chief making a deal to keep Iran Iran from enriching uranium? Actually, didn't we have a deal before our dealmaker-in-chief so wisely pulled us from that deal?

Speaker 14 Why did this have to go bomby on Iran now?

Speaker 54 And by next spring, at most, by next summer, at current enrichment rates, they will have finished the medium enrichment

Speaker 54 and move on to the final stage.

Speaker 12 Iran is months away from having a nuclear bomb, It says Netanyahu

Speaker 14 in 2012.

Speaker 47 By the way, did Iran happen to get that bomb from a company called Acme?

Speaker 47 Like...

Speaker 19 Will it be delivered to Israel on rocket-powered skates?

Speaker 12 Will it go off in a tumultuous meet me?

Speaker 54 seriously why did we have to bomb Iran now Iran is so dangerous weeks away from having the fissile material for an entire arsenal of nuclear bombs holy shit that's why Iran's only weeks away from having an entire arsenal of nuclear bombs says Netanyahu

Speaker 1 in 2015

Speaker 19 2015!

Speaker 1 Think about that.

Speaker 21 Back when we all thought, oh no, the Republicans might nominate that madman, Jeb Bush.

Speaker 27 Should have gone with the question, Mark.

Speaker 13 No, seriously, I'm not being facetious.

Speaker 21 I really want to know why we had to bomb Iran now.

Speaker 54 We're going to show you Iran's secret nuclear files.

Speaker 50 Here's the warhead.

Speaker 46 Here's the bomb. bomb.

Speaker 16 And that's from 2018.

Speaker 29 I don't know if Iran is any closer to having a bomb, but it is clear Israel now has the capacity to enrich their drawings.

Speaker 8 Netanyahu,

Speaker 8 I swear to God,

Speaker 14 Netanyahu talks about Iran getting nukes the way I talk about the Knicks winning a title.

Speaker 3 This

Speaker 33 is the year.

Speaker 44 The Knicks are one piece away.

Speaker 47 Weeks away

Speaker 55 from winning a title.

Speaker 44 They never win a f ⁇ ing title.

Speaker 52 Of course, a hot war between Israel and Iran could threaten the United States.

Speaker 47 It's best we stay out of it.

Speaker 56 Secretary of State Marco Rubio is saying Israel took unilateral action against Iran and that the U.S. is not involved in strikes.

Speaker 47 We're not involved. That's good.
That's good.

Speaker 51 The U.S.

Speaker 4 says it was informed beforehand.

Speaker 3 Good neighbor policy.

Speaker 1 I mean,

Speaker 1 we were informed.

Speaker 46 Let us know.

Speaker 57 Still not being involved, really.

Speaker 58 President Trump acknowledged yesterday that he was aware of the Israeli operation and he gave it a green light.

Speaker 1 They don't know what they're talking about.

Speaker 25 We were told we approved.

Speaker 3 It's still Israel's game.

Speaker 48 Israel used American equipment during its initial strikes against Iran.

Speaker 48 What the f are we doing?

Speaker 16 All right, so we knew and we approved and we gave them all the shit to do it with.

Speaker 3 I'm confused.

Speaker 3 Are we involved?

Speaker 29 I think I need clarification from our parade grand marshal-in-chief.

Speaker 60 The president made it clear that the United States is not involved.

Speaker 60 He wanted to make that very clear, but at the same time, it's possible that we could get involved, but we're not involved at this moment.

Speaker 6 See?

Speaker 17 We're Switzerland.

Speaker 57 Perhaps the reason why the president is being cagey about all this is because not all of the MAGA are embracing Netanyahu's bomb fetishes.

Speaker 62 We cannot be dragged into, inexorably dragged into, a war in the Middle East.

Speaker 59 We put America first, and that means American interests first.

Speaker 39 Our MAGA based, they do not want the United States to be engaged in this.

Speaker 64 I don't know anyone that wakes up and thinks about bombing Iran.

Speaker 43 She doesn't know anyone who wakes up and thinks thinks about bombing Iran.

Speaker 44 I gotta tell you.

Speaker 12 I don't think she knows anyone who wakes up and thinks.

Speaker 12 But credit!

Speaker 12 They enjoy that one.

Speaker 1 But you know what? I'm gonna say this.

Speaker 12 This may surprise some people.

Speaker 41 Credit where credit is due.

Speaker 47 I certainly have tremendous policy and, in some instances, space laser differences.

Speaker 5 with these folks.

Speaker 34 But I applaud any group that is steadfast in a diplomacy-first posture.

Speaker 35 The only problem with their posture that I see with it is

Speaker 35 their reluctance to commit America's military to fighting drawn-out and often pointless wars doesn't seem to extend to America.

Speaker 48 President Trump should fully deploy the military in the streets.

Speaker 38 Take back the streets of LA.

Speaker 35 Do it and do it fast.

Speaker 17 Huh?

Speaker 9 Doesn't want to be in Iran.

Speaker 24 He wants to be in LA.

Speaker 20 He doesn't want to deploy the military overseas.

Speaker 12 He wants to save the military for the real threat,

Speaker 14 us. He's not being hypocritical, just mind-blowing.

Speaker 9 The MAGA mindset appears to be we didn't vote for foreign wars.

Speaker 20 We voted for a civil war.

Speaker 62 This is a war. The battle for America was going to take place in Los Angeles.
The only way to win here is to double and triple down.

Speaker 64 The current war that we are seeing waged by the Democrats, by the foreign foreign nationals waving Mexican flags.

Speaker 67 The city of Los Angeles is an occupied city.

Speaker 33 It is time to retake the cities of this country.

Speaker 67 It is time to use force.

Speaker 3 What the f?

Speaker 16 They are looking for any pretense.

Speaker 14 They are looking for any pretense to sick their robot dogs on Democrats.

Speaker 36 And the strategy that they're using is to inflate the threat that this country now faces, to so rile up their base as to make the left in this country represented by over 75 million votes in the past presidential election as a legitimate military target for the United States of America.

Speaker 28 It's a strategy that's been used before to gin up military conflict.

Speaker 36 See if you recognize it.

Speaker 35 The good people of Iraq.

Speaker 43 They want a peaceful country.

Speaker 43 They want security.

Speaker 26 The good people of Los Angeles Angeles deserve to be secure in their homes.

Speaker 71 We're not going anywhere until there is a stable environment.

Speaker 72 We're not going anywhere. We're here to maintain the peace.
Liberate Iraq from the tyranny.

Speaker 71 Liberate the city from the

Speaker 4 socialists.

Speaker 63 We will liberate the people of Iraq.

Speaker 62 We will liberate Los Angeles.

Speaker 62 We must!

Speaker 43 They don't understand yet.

Speaker 35 We must invade Los Angeles.

Speaker 43 We cannot have the world's most dangerous people eating the world's most delicious tacos.

Speaker 43 It's so f ⁇ ing absurd to paint the opposition party in your country as a fifth column, an enemy from within.

Speaker 55 But again, like, I don't want to overreact, I don't want to strain the metaphor too much.

Speaker 47 It's not like the right...

Speaker 43 is calling for the need for a kind of a rock-like debathification program to remove Democrats from government post-liberation.

Speaker 74 We need like a debathification program, fire every single mid-level bureaucrat, every civil servant in the administrative state, replace them with our people.

Speaker 12 They're insane. By the way,

Speaker 47 was that guy's beard used to color J.D.

Speaker 1 Vance's eyes?

Speaker 25 So there you have it. We've got Israel stoking foreign wars.

Speaker 5 We've got the right in this country pushing for domestic war.

Speaker 29 And I haven't even gotten to the one thing this weekend that was actually really so f ⁇ ed up.

Speaker 14 It's almost too much show.

Speaker 46 You know, in fact, I'm going to break form.

Speaker 55 Let's take an intermission.

Speaker 55 Here we go.

Speaker 55 Intermission over. Thank you.
Welcome back to the show.

Speaker 55 All right.

Speaker 19 This is the kind of kid that I hate having to do on the show.

Speaker 14 But as you know,

Speaker 46 Minnesota was the site of horrible violence where a state house leader and her husband were killed.

Speaker 32 A state senator and his wife were shot.

Speaker 29 The only positive is that the person who perpetrated these acts has finally been caught.

Speaker 8 Finally.

Speaker 43 But what I was really struck by is what seemed to be on everybody's mind in the midst of this horror.

Speaker 51 This morning, a lot of questions remain.

Speaker 71 Like, what was his motive?

Speaker 75 Why? A motive.

Speaker 29 Why did he do this?

Speaker 43 When do we learn about motive?

Speaker 59 Everyone wants to know why, Bill.

Speaker 51 His roommate, he says that the suspect was a Trump supporter. This is a Tim Waltz appointee.
This is a Democrat.

Speaker 30 I'm going to be honest.

Speaker 32 And I truly mean this.

Speaker 45 I mean no disrespect.

Speaker 61 Like,

Speaker 20 I don't give a f ⁇

Speaker 47 why this person did it.

Speaker 14 I just don't give a f ⁇ .

Speaker 7 I don't care.

Speaker 3 I don't care whose team he's on.

Speaker 29 I don't care if he listens to NPR or Fox News.

Speaker 69 I don't give a flying f ⁇

Speaker 32 What blows my mind is our resignation in the aftermath of this nonsense

Speaker 76 What are you gonna do?

Speaker 12 I don't know put a shit ton of funding into mental health funding put a shit ton of money into illegal weapons interdiction.

Speaker 6 Maybe that chip maybe maybe the

Speaker 8 What do you call it there

Speaker 25 Maybe maybe the chip that Bill Gates had injected in all of us during COVID could have a self-destruct button?

Speaker 14 Take people out before they do this shit?

Speaker 23 For God's sakes, can't we do that?

Speaker 10 Grubhub knows when I want pizza.

Speaker 23 You don't think Grubhub doesn't know when people are getting murderous?

Speaker 11 What's the difference between hungry and hangry?

Speaker 3 What's the difference?

Speaker 20 We're willing to do things about other issues.

Speaker 31 We just heard about it.

Speaker 3 Why are they attacking Los Angeles right now?

Speaker 20 Why is the right so willing to tear our cities apart in this moment?

Speaker 78 Dangerous criminals continue to flood our nation and kill our citizens.

Speaker 61 This has to stop.

Speaker 75 I mean, I think about it for my grandkids.

Speaker 68 I mean, how safe are they in this society?

Speaker 79 One woman or one child violated by an illegal alien is one too many.

Speaker 80 The alarm bells were going off a long time ago. A lot of Democrats will defend this and say, well, you know, it's such a small percentage.
They have blood on their hands, pure and simple.

Speaker 80 One is too many.

Speaker 14 One is too many.

Speaker 17 One death.

Speaker 17 By the way, true.

Speaker 69 It is too many.

Speaker 20 Violence should never be accepted.

Speaker 32 It should never be tolerated.

Speaker 5 But that's for their issue.

Speaker 16 In the wake of Sandy Hook and Uvalde and Parkland and El Paso.

Speaker 24 and Lewiston and Aurora and Buffalo and Boulder and Binghamton and Highland Park and Monterey Park and San Bernardino and San Jose and San Francisco and the Pulse Nightclub and the Colorado Springs Nightclub and the Little Rock nightclub and the Borderline Bar in Thousand Oaks and the Ned Peppers Bar in Dayton and the Waffle House in Nashville and Virginia Tech and UVA and MSU and UCSB and FSU and NIU and SMC and the Sutherland Springs Church and the Mother Emmanuel Church in Charleston and the Living Church of God and the Tree of Life Synagogue and the Allen Mall and the Westroads Mall and Fort Hood and Lockheed Martin and what are we f ⁇ ing doing?

Speaker 7 What are we doing?

Speaker 7 By the way, by the way,

Speaker 7 that is

Speaker 22 a

Speaker 17 wildly incomplete list.

Speaker 16 We kept it to the last 25 years and it's still not everything.

Speaker 14 And what's their response to all that?

Speaker 81 They're doing the same thing that they always do after there's a mass shooting and they politicize it.

Speaker 78 The issue is not with the Second Amendment. Guns aren't the problem.

Speaker 79 Does a gun commit crime?

Speaker 80 Democrats want to take away your guns. They don't want to solve problems.

Speaker 69 Turns out when it comes to mass shootings, ones not too many.

Speaker 14 Actually, a shitload isn't too many.

Speaker 12 And by the way, you can say Second Amendment all you want, but you definitely don't seem to mind throwing out the Constitution when it comes to deportation.

Speaker 8 And I am legitimately asking this question. This is truly legitimate.

Speaker 75 Like,

Speaker 10 I know I can be like,

Speaker 14 but like, I am genuinely baffled.

Speaker 29 Why is it when a foreigner or someone that shouldn't be here kills one of us, We're going to put $150 billion into border security, we're going to militarize our cities, we're going to spend trillions of dollars to bomb and destabilize foreign countries overseas, we're going to ban people from random countries from ever f ⁇ ing visiting here.

Speaker 34 We're going to take our shoes off at the airport forever.

Speaker 31 But when we do it to ourselves,

Speaker 69 nothing.

Speaker 41 Is it that the only acceptable deaths are those that are made in America?

Speaker 76 Our only response now is to tally up the psycho scoreboard on whose side the perp belongs to?

Speaker 12 I honestly would like to know.

Speaker 31 Like, it makes no sense.

Speaker 12 It's jarring cognitive dizziness. dissonance.
This is Senator Mike Lee, all right?

Speaker 13 Great state of Utah, which, by the way, suffered a tragic shooting death at one of their No Kings events over the weekend.

Speaker 43 And just a little backstory.

Speaker 30 I've met Senator Lee.

Speaker 65 He's the best.

Speaker 47 In 2019, when we were trying to get permanent reauthorization of the Ray Pfeiffer Louis Alvarez-Zadroga Act, we met with Senator Mike Lee in his office down in Washington.

Speaker 36 We had a team of Feel Good Foundation and a team of first responders with us.

Speaker 35 Firefighters, cops, other people. One of the cops had been in the first tower when it collapsed, right?

Speaker 47 So all these first responders are going around the table and they are sharing their stories to try and get Senator Mike Lee to support this bill that's going to provide life-saving coverage and money to the victims of this terrible terrorist attack and the illnesses they are suffering

Speaker 34 since then.

Speaker 47 When the one cop says his story about being in the tower that collapsed and the aftermath,

Speaker 52 when he told Senator Lee about that experience, Senator Lee smiled and said,

Speaker 47 I bet you've got a lot of stories.

Speaker 47 Of

Speaker 20 dead, of like what?

Speaker 17 Spring break like what are you talking about?

Speaker 65 We met a lot of people in Washington.

Speaker 46 Some were hopeful some of those meetings, some were upsetting meetings.

Speaker 52 That was the only meeting where we all walked out and looked at each other and went, what the f ⁇ is wrong with that guy?

Speaker 19 The only one.

Speaker 43 I say this for context, for why I use Senator Lee as the avatar for the insanity of this moment.

Speaker 36 Here he is on the Senate floor talking about why he is for these

Speaker 46 you could call draconian immigration policies.

Speaker 37 The tragic case of Lake On Riley, a life cut short by an illegal alien.

Speaker 37 Her case represents hundreds of thousands of families across this nation whose lives have been upended by the invasion that our leaders allowed to happen.

Speaker 27 Now look, he's right to be upset at our leaders for allowing unsafe conditions to happen.

Speaker 12 That's fine.

Speaker 43 Here's Mike Lee tweeting this weekend about the assassination of a Democratic legislator and her husband just hours after we all learned about this tragedy.

Speaker 58 Republican Senator Mike Lee of Utah posted a picture of the suspect at the door of one of the lawmakers with the caption, this is what happens when Marxists don't get their way.

Speaker 14 And by the way, he didn't just post that. He didn't just post that.

Speaker 17 He pinned that.

Speaker 32 to the top of whatever the f ⁇ it is that you pin stuff on on Twitter, your Twitter refrigerator to show off your Twitter work.

Speaker 29 And then to let all of us know that that is not the depth of his depravity, that he can go deeper, he posted this.

Speaker 58 The senator posted another picture with the caption, Nightmare on Wall Street, mocking, of course, the name of the Minnesota governor.

Speaker 20 Okay, first of all,

Speaker 65 Elm Street to Wall Street

Speaker 36 is a shitty pun.

Speaker 52 As a comedian, I must object.

Speaker 5 You've got Wolf of Wall Street just sitting there.

Speaker 47 And second, I truly want to know why in his mind, one death, the hands of an immigrant is worth $150 billion of border security, a militarization of American cities, well, just the blue cities.

Speaker 43 I know the undocumented immigrants in red state fields are the good ones now, suddenly.

Speaker 47 That and I guess Mar-a-Lago hospitality workers.

Speaker 17 But I want to know

Speaker 76 why those deaths in Minnesota are worth only a night of edge lord shit posting.

Speaker 14 No billions for mental health, no stopping illegal weapons trafficking, no nothing.

Speaker 14 We should ask him why.

Speaker 43 I bet he's got some stories to tell.

Speaker 36 When we come back, John Mulaney, don't go away.

Speaker 37 This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever find yourself playing the budgeting game?

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Speaker 37 Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Price and coverage match limited by state law, not available in all states.

Speaker 37 My guest tonight, one of my favorites.

Speaker 8 One of my favorites, not just as a comedian, as a person.

Speaker 29 My guest tonight, an actor, writer, comedian, host the Netflix show Everybody's Live.

Speaker 21 Please welcome Tom Mulaney.

Speaker 31 That was not, when was that a week ago?

Speaker 39 This was two weeks ago. That fight was two weeks ago, yeah.

Speaker 30 Those gentlemen, and I call them gentlemen.

Speaker 6 Yeah, young men.

Speaker 23 Young men, 13.

Speaker 39 14. 14.
No, 14. Three 14-year-olds, I'm 42.
They add up to me.

Speaker 40 They do add up to you.

Speaker 6 Yeah, they do. Yeah.

Speaker 20 You show no worse for wear.

Speaker 17 You look healthy.

Speaker 32 You look, I saw no limp.

Speaker 39 I'm moving slower.

Speaker 28 Do you still feel the ache?

Speaker 39 I still feel that lactic acid. You ever fought three boys and you get that lactic acid buildup in the lower body?

Speaker 47 I don't think they've, most people haven't fought.

Speaker 39 Everyone should. Let me say this.

Speaker 39 Obviously, there's a lot going on right now. This is the most important message you'll hear tonight, but everyone should fight three teenagers once a year.

Speaker 39 Follow the rules we did. No eye gouging, no cutting off of airways, no punching, no kicking, just sort of advanced hugging and wrestling.

Speaker 53 Sure.

Speaker 39 And you'll feel so much better. I feel invigorated.
I really, I've never been more present in my life because I had to be for that fight. You understand what I mean?

Speaker 5 So in some ways, it's like skydiving for Everest. Sure.

Speaker 47 Except with 14-year-olds.

Speaker 39 Exactly. Like they said about Everest, why do it? Because it's there.
Well, technically, I flew those boys in, but once...

Speaker 39 Once they were there, I said, I'm going to go.

Speaker 12 When you flew them in, I'm just curious for no apparent reason. Overstate lines?

Speaker 10 Was that Overstate Lines?

Speaker 39 Yeah, yeah, but I checked, and I don't mind answering that because I checked all that shit out. I made sure.

Speaker 39 No, I really did.

Speaker 3 No, I think you should.

Speaker 39 Traveling teens, you got to always dot your I's and stuff. Sure.
So I brought them in separate hotels. Don't let them meet.

Speaker 63 For real.

Speaker 39 Because I couldn't get them to, I didn't want them planning anything or developing any strategy.

Speaker 32 How long, if I may?

Speaker 53 Sure.

Speaker 43 By the way, and that episode, that was the final episode of your 12-week.

Speaker 46 And you did 12 in a row, which I thought was in some ways bragging to go

Speaker 39 to do 12 weeks in a row makes the rest of you wanted very much to stop at seven but we then we made the rest of us look a little bit

Speaker 39 pathetic no you got a rigorous schedule Mondays and then yeah

Speaker 39 you don't know

Speaker 43 You don't know when I'm out here at the children I fight.

Speaker 15 You have no idea.

Speaker 20 So these 14-year-old Jacob, Ben, and Adarsh

Speaker 28 who was the one who began to go silver back after it was over?

Speaker 14 There was one of them as soon as it went over he jumped up and like

Speaker 39 I think that was Adarsh. If I'm getting it wrong, I apologize.
But Jacob had never met Adarsh. Adarsh had never met Ben.
Ben had never met Jacob. They never met till they met on the map.

Speaker 20 Randomly selected?

Speaker 39 No, there were thousands of submissions. Or maybe there was like a hundred.
I don't know.

Speaker 3 But we found three, right? Yes.

Speaker 39 So

Speaker 39 then selected by one of my writers, the great Langston Kerman.

Speaker 12 Langston Kerman? Hilarious.

Speaker 39 Hilarious comedian. Yes.
Great actor, hilarious comedian. Lovely man.
He was a teacher for many years, and he fought his students one day

Speaker 39 like they just were ragging on him. And so he locked the door of these three boys and they just went at it.

Speaker 39 And I think whatever the statue's...

Speaker 19 Is this the plot of Lean on Me?

Speaker 11 I think this is...

Speaker 13 And did he have a bat?

Speaker 39 No, but it was as if Joe Clark from Lean on Me took it to the appropriate level, which is some fighting.

Speaker 39 There's all these podcasters now talk about a crisis with men and boys. Sure.
Right? And a lot of them.

Speaker 30 Oh, I listen to the male.

Speaker 61 Yeah, they're on testosterone.

Speaker 39 They shave their heads and things like this. And they talk.
And they talk, they make little video diaries in their basement and so forth.

Speaker 39 But if you want to really get to the root of it, you get three of them together, get them in nice suits and helmets, and you get in a suit yourself and you go at it.

Speaker 29 Let me tell you something because I hadn't looked at it in this way.

Speaker 55 You weren't just fighting for entertainment.

Speaker 65 In many ways, this was a crusade to save American youth and maleness.

Speaker 53 Absolutely.

Speaker 46 You are, if I may,

Speaker 8 this is not frivolous. Yeah.

Speaker 52 You are the man in the arena. Literally.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 40 Teddy Roosevelt.

Speaker 39 Yeah, Teddy Roosevelt, that quote. Have you ever been sent that? That means you have a big failure.

Speaker 39 I had a sitcom that was shot out of the air like a duck in duck hunt, and everyone sent me that quote. And I was like, man, this must be bombing because

Speaker 3 everyone's sending me the man in the arena.

Speaker 46 Now, these kids, if I may say, I thought you held your own for, God, must have been 41 seconds.

Speaker 37 47 seconds.

Speaker 20 Right. 47 seconds.

Speaker 12 Which is no small feat for an asthmatic or whatever.

Speaker 32 I don't know what.

Speaker 3 Physically or mentally.

Speaker 39 Listen, I don't have a lot of physical prowess.

Speaker 39 I fought when I was younger, but I'm much older now.

Speaker 39 What I had that they don't have, and a lot of kids don't have this if you ever want to fight one, is they don't have core strength.

Speaker 39 But I do a lot of core because I have a tear in my hip, which I've been open about. So it's not cheating.

Speaker 39 A lot of PT.

Speaker 19 Did they know about the hip?

Speaker 11 They targeted the hip. They did.

Speaker 24 They knew about the hip.

Speaker 3 They didn't target the hip.

Speaker 63 Yeah, they went for the hip.

Speaker 39 They really went for this leg because they knew I was a goner. I was going to sink right into the labrum tear.
But 47 seconds I stood until they were choking me out on the mat.

Speaker 23 Can I I tell you something though yeah so those first 30 seconds were chaotic they were chaotic

Speaker 36 that you had it but then it was like in a movie about you ever seen those alien movies where we have the upper hand but then all of a sudden they're like I think they're learning yes

Speaker 40 There was a moment, it might have been in Adarsh's eyes.

Speaker 32 Yes.

Speaker 34 Where they made contact and they began to operate as the Borg, as a hive.

Speaker 39 They operated like a three-boy monster.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 39 They, uh, they, I was, I, I see, I knew if I charged first, see, I knew I had a couple

Speaker 61 advantages on them.

Speaker 39 I'm not self-conscious the way a 14-year-old is, right? So I said, I'm going to charge Jacob with everything I have, right? He's the biggest of them, and I didn't want him on my back.

Speaker 39 So I go right at Jacob.

Speaker 61 You had a plan.

Speaker 39 I had a plan, but. I didn't realize how much I needed to keep moving.
As Ben and Adarsh closed in on me, Adam Sandler, who's standing right off the ring.

Speaker 40 Was he your corner man?

Speaker 39 Sort of. Sean Penn was just smoking.

Speaker 63 But Adam.

Speaker 29 Sean Penn, but if you want to watch this episode, it is like maybe the most perfect hour-long episode of television.

Speaker 52 In the middle of it, there is a sincere 15-minute interview with Sean Penn.

Speaker 32 He and I must go to the same plastic surgeon because we both look like we sleep in a meat dehydrator.

Speaker 57 But.

Speaker 39 Sean Penn goes to third world countries and they go, are you okay?

Speaker 39 No, he's a good man. He's a tough man.

Speaker 19 He is.

Speaker 12 By the way, I don't think against Sean Penn, I don't think Adarsh would have been beaten the chest.

Speaker 43 I think one of them would be left with their heart out of their chest and Sean Penn just gnawing on it in front of the other ones.

Speaker 39 Yes, we get into it, Sean Penn and I, about his Malibu surfing days and the violence that erupted out of what seems like a tranquil activity. That's right.

Speaker 39 So the problem was,

Speaker 39 and

Speaker 39 I hope there's a camera angle. I'll have to go through all the raw footage and I plan to.

Speaker 12 Did you have the all-22 of the fight?

Speaker 1 Do you have?

Speaker 3 Do you have the same thing?

Speaker 39 That's going to be the third act of my life. People visit me in a weird house and I show them the raw footage and prove I could have won.

Speaker 39 There's a moment where I get Jacob off my back and I go for a darsh and I choke. I just can't throw him.
I just, I go like that and I go, I can't throw it.

Speaker 32 Was it a leverage thing?

Speaker 35 Was it you went for the wrong angle or?

Speaker 39 No, it was just.

Speaker 39 It wasn't in me. And that was an important lesson in masculinity, you know? That, you're right.
And

Speaker 39 I went, this is is not me right Ellis

Speaker 39 don't we all face our own adarsh and go

Speaker 39 I could throw this boy now right at Sean Penn

Speaker 39 but I'm not gonna do it you get a cigarette right in the eye

Speaker 1 you're processing this in real time

Speaker 39 you're able to do this did was it kind of a slow plus I know that bone thugs in harmony is waiting off stage which by the way when they come out they come out beautiful music it's a beautiful

Speaker 43 as you're hearing something from the audience that I think I was feeling feeling when I was at home and what and what you heard you might not have heard it from there is one woman just went what

Speaker 45 and I think that's exactly right and I think if I were and again I've been in television a long time but if I were in the writer's room or in the production and you were walking me through what was about to happen I think I also might at some point within the conversation go what yeah

Speaker 39 What we, our team, our wonderful director Joe DeMayo and our lighting designer.

Speaker 3 Joey DeMayo. Yeah, Joey DeMeo.
We used to work together at ATV. Lovely man.

Speaker 39 And our wonderful wonderful lighting designer, Brian Clunder, who doesn't look like shit, doesn't look like any famous people.

Speaker 25 Couldn't win a single. Literally shaves the beard.

Speaker 39 And wait till someone emerges and becomes famous that looks like Brian Clunder. But we talked it out, and they said, when does Bone Thugs know to come out? And I said, when the boys tap out.

Speaker 39 That was going to be, I was just so confident.

Speaker 47 It's a brilliant.

Speaker 39 I really appreciate it. Thanks.
You texted me after I showed all the writers. We were really thrilled to be able to do that.

Speaker 32 I loved it.

Speaker 43 My only question is, is there any thought for you, and this is in recognizing your limitations, of going down in age class, a weight class, maybe trying this.

Speaker 30 I think eight to nine-year-olds.

Speaker 6 Yeah.

Speaker 12 I'm telling you,

Speaker 19 I think that could be...

Speaker 39 I think,

Speaker 19 this is my feeling.

Speaker 25 I think that could be the sweet spot

Speaker 53 where,

Speaker 27 and I'm even going to throw this out there, four of them, if you still wanted to add up to your age.

Speaker 39 Sure, we could do that. I mean, it's basically probably unconsciously all building up to me fighting my own son, who's three and a half.

Speaker 70 By the way. You know what he does? He gets on top of me.

Speaker 39 He's told me, and he puts his thumbs over my eyes, and he goes, no, no, dad, open your eyes.

Speaker 41 He really wants to go sockets into the brain.

Speaker 39 Really wants to go sockets into the brain. Yeah.

Speaker 43 I got to tell you, when they do, you know, my boy. Yeah.

Speaker 47 The day he beat me.

Speaker 57 in arm wrestling, I really thought he would have a little bit more of a realization of like that this is a mortality play like he's gonna beat me yeah, so I said to him I go when you finally beat me like it's not gonna feel as good as you think it's gonna

Speaker 35 make you sad.

Speaker 43 It's gonna make you realize something.

Speaker 76 Yeah, it didn't

Speaker 15 he

Speaker 76 loved it.

Speaker 6 Yeah

Speaker 36 and to this day

Speaker 73 I think the relationship changed to where he physically knows I've got no shot against one of him.

Speaker 46 Yeah.

Speaker 39 And then he married your wife, right? What?

Speaker 39 That's that's

Speaker 39 that's international arm wrestling dad rules.

Speaker 19 I have got to make a call.

Speaker 3 Hold on.

Speaker 35 It's it's fabulous and I'm just so delighted for you and the whole family and you guys are lovely.

Speaker 35 But I did want to ask you, you know, you and I talked about, we knew we weren't going to talk about anything because we never talk about anything.

Speaker 61 We just around.

Speaker 45 And I didn't want to let it go because you're an important guest and you're an important figure in show business and comedy.

Speaker 43 I wanted to have treated you as such.

Speaker 2 That's a very nice.

Speaker 34 And so I didn't know what to ask you.

Speaker 43 So I just went through past interviews.

Speaker 39 This is really wild to be on the daily show with you, by the way.

Speaker 40 We've never done this before.

Speaker 39 I can't express how it's a very cool moment. Really?

Speaker 24 Yeah, clean.

Speaker 7 For me as well. It's cool.

Speaker 77 For you.

Speaker 8 It's a good moment for me.

Speaker 8 I was an intern.

Speaker 39 When I was an intern at Comedy Central, the big thing was a lot of Viacom execs would ask for tickets to the Daily Show. And it was so, I mean, this was like 2003, 2004.

Speaker 39 couldn't get in couldn't get in the room so I'd give them tickets to tough crap

Speaker 34 Colin goes all right these are these questions that I had asked other guests other daily shows that I've been on okay and and I would like to ask you and whether you

Speaker 39 I don't know if you'll know you can answer them or if you'd even know who I'm asking wait these are random you're not going to say who you asked them to you're just going to ask the question that's right that's great

Speaker 52 but these are other important guests.

Speaker 61 Okay.

Speaker 47 Guests that I was delighted that we were able to have.

Speaker 18 Oh, very nice.

Speaker 6 John?

Speaker 30 You are renowned as a man of peace.

Speaker 43 The John part I added.

Speaker 55 That's the first thing.

Speaker 6 Oh, okay. All right.

Speaker 39 I was like the first clue.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 35 it's not.

Speaker 55 It's actually a red-hering and misdirector. Okay.
All right.

Speaker 30 You are renowned as a man of peace.

Speaker 28 So I've got to ask:

Speaker 52 What are people saying about us, America?

Speaker 27 Are they digging us?

Speaker 23 I swear to God, you think your show is loose.

Speaker 14 I'm going to show you.

Speaker 57 I pioneered lack of preparation.

Speaker 77 Thank you.

Speaker 39 Yeah, you were a great innovator and no pre-interview.

Speaker 6 Thank you.

Speaker 39 Desmond Tutu?

Speaker 36 That's exactly right. Yeah!

Speaker 8 This is Desmond Tutu.

Speaker 8 Excellent. Excellent, excellent.

Speaker 39 And I bet the answer, he would giggle a lot. Remember, he had a woo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.
He had the best. He had the best laugh.

Speaker 6 I don't understand.

Speaker 39 I once saw a video of him and the Dalai Lama. I don't know what it was from, but they were on stage just cracking up.

Speaker 43 Can I tell you when I would see Desmond Tutu and the Dalai Lama talk?

Speaker 47 It looked like a helium birthday party.

Speaker 17 I know.

Speaker 41 Like they were all just sucking.

Speaker 39 It looked like the late Carol Burnett.

Speaker 11 Yes.

Speaker 35 You and I should work together.

Speaker 6 I know.

Speaker 47 Here's a question I asked of a guest. Okay.

Speaker 35 Where's Osama bin Laden?

Speaker 3 Donald Rumsfeld?

Speaker 3 Close.

Speaker 77 Ooh.

Speaker 27 Pervez Musharraf, the president of Pakistan at the time.

Speaker 76 Mother of Pakistan.

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow, he came here?

Speaker 36 Dude, he came here. He was doing his autobiography.

Speaker 34 It was a tour for his autobiography.

Speaker 1 His autobiography.

Speaker 47 Security was, Al-Qaeda was trying to kill him. Security was everywhere.

Speaker 1 Like, I mean,

Speaker 46 guns,

Speaker 36 bomb sniffing everything pakistan secret service american secret service and the whole time i was like this this dude is risking his life yeah to be on this show and i was like i should have read the book because i you know

Speaker 36 all right

Speaker 52 when did the taliban come to swat valley

Speaker 15 uh

Speaker 39 when did they come to swat valley

Speaker 39 we believe that

Speaker 39 the Taliban have had a stronghold in that area for some time. The rest would be classified.

Speaker 61 Who would I have asked that? Who would you have asked that to?

Speaker 39 Who could you have asked that that would have dared face you down? Dick Cheney?

Speaker 20 Malala, you solved it.

Speaker 39 I love Malala.

Speaker 12 Oh, here's a good one.

Speaker 36 Give us the range of chimpanzee behavior

Speaker 43 from dressing up like us and playing the cymbals to biting that woman's face off.

Speaker 77 Ooh.

Speaker 1 What's the full range?

Speaker 39 Okay.

Speaker 39 Like Jack Hannah?

Speaker 3 Jane Goodall.

Speaker 18 I'm so bad at this. All right.

Speaker 27 That'll be it. But that,

Speaker 1 all right.

Speaker 39 Hey, did you ever have on that guy? Remember that dude that threw his shoes at George W. Bush?

Speaker 40 Did he do the circuit? I don't remember.

Speaker 6 No, no, but

Speaker 39 honestly, like, I'm a big fan of so many comedians who work at the craft, but the funniest thing that's ever happened on television in my life was that guy shoe

Speaker 39 and you saw this weird look in Bush's eyes where he's like, oh, we play in shoes? Like he

Speaker 39 like he knew it as a game.

Speaker 40 He immediately went. It was coming anyway.
Yep.

Speaker 25 Yep. Like he went down.

Speaker 39 That's a dude and like listen, we both have our problems with him, but that guy could duck shoes and he

Speaker 39 you were clear,

Speaker 39 what it said to us was, this isn't the first time someone's

Speaker 6 thrown both of their shoes.

Speaker 18 Did he end up?

Speaker 39 I did that at rehab once in group.

Speaker 20 You did the George Bush shoe bet?

Speaker 39 There was this guy that blamed his wife for everything.

Speaker 39 And I said,

Speaker 39 not as a joke, the rest of the room thought it was a joke. I was like, if you do that again, I'm going, if you don't get into your responsibility and take

Speaker 39 some responsibility for what you did, I'm going to throw my shoes at you like that guy did at George W. Bush.

Speaker 39 Big laugh in group. The guy did it again.
One shoe.

Speaker 39 Yeah.

Speaker 39 That guy's still sober.

Speaker 3 Is he really?

Speaker 39 Yeah, and it was the second shoe that did.

Speaker 53 The fear.

Speaker 39 The fear of the second shoe.

Speaker 43 Do you remember in Iraq, did that guy have one more shoe in the chamber?

Speaker 70 Yeah, he got these

Speaker 70 two shoes.

Speaker 14 I think he emptied both chambers.

Speaker 39 Two shoes, right? Yeah. And I'm guessing slip-ons, though I never inspected them.

Speaker 47 They appeared to be slip-ons.

Speaker 35 They did not, to be perfectly frank, did not seem to be the heaviest, most structured shoes.

Speaker 45 They seemed to be.

Speaker 49 Yeah, it was a loose shoe.

Speaker 34 That's no question.

Speaker 43 I'm so happy to see you.

Speaker 39 It's so happy to see you.

Speaker 32 Mr.

Speaker 8 John Marini,

Speaker 8 guys, see you on the next place at the Warriors Down next or whatever tour from JohnMarini.com. John Marini, what do you think of the place?

Speaker 70 November is all about gathering, friends giving, thanksgiving, and football weekends.

Speaker 68 Total Wine and More has everything you need for your table and your toasts.

Speaker 70 With thousands of wines, spirits, and beers at the lowest prices. From bold reds to sparklers and smooth bourbons to tequilas made for celebrating, Total Wine has it all.

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Speaker 15 Spirits now sold to Virginia and North Carolina. Treat responsibly B21.

Speaker 21 What's on deck for this week?

Speaker 67 Ooh, two words, John.

Speaker 44 Trump Mobile.

Speaker 67 Today, the Trump family announced they're starting their very own mobile phone company. And experts are saying this new phone could completely revolutionize the way dum-dums get scammed out of money.

Speaker 67 Needless to say, I got one.

Speaker 5 I mean, this is true.

Speaker 12 Yeah. Is this a good use of the president's time?

Speaker 6 Oh,

Speaker 67 of course it is, John. That's what MAGA voted for, a president with the same LinkedIn page as Ryan Reynolds.

Speaker 43 So he's not going to be trying to find a solution to Iran-Israel war?

Speaker 67 Oh, oh, he's got a solution. The two sides won't be fighting once they discover the smooth taste of Trump tequila.

Speaker 67 One sip and it's so long, Middle East. Hello, Margaritaville.

Speaker 47 I don't think tequila is going to be enough at this point.

Speaker 67 Why? Has it gotten bad? I haven't checked the news. My Trump phone gets zero bars.

Speaker 70 Jordan Clapper.

Speaker 19 Jordan Clapper, everybody. Here it is.

Speaker 8 Your moment is up.

Speaker 82 Let me tell you, you're going to see something.

Speaker 50 This is not an actual parade.

Speaker 83 This is a full-on military parade, U.S. Army on demonstration through the years.
You're in for something special because America's special and we deserve it.

Speaker 83 We should celebrate it, not apologize for it. This parade is going to be awesome.

Speaker 64 Take that, haters.

Speaker 33 Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching The Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts.

Speaker 33 Watch The Daily Show weeknights at 1110 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Fairmount Plus.

Speaker 44 This has been a Comedy Central podcast.

Speaker 68 October brings it all: Halloween parties, game day tailgates, crisp fall nights.

Speaker 70 At Total Wine and Moore, you'll find just what you need for them all.

Speaker 68 Whether you're hosting friends or enjoying the cool fall air, you'll find thousands of wines, spirits, and beers at the lowest prices.

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Speaker 68 For over 30 years. You'll always find what you love and love what you find at Total Wine and More.com details.

Speaker 82 Extra value meals are back. That means 10 tender juicy McNuggets and medium fries and a drink are just $8

Speaker 66 only at McDonald's. For limited time only, prices and participation may vary.

Speaker 2 Prices may be higher in Hawaii, Alaska, and California and for delivery.