In the Field with Jessica Williams

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You're listening to Comedy Central.

When President Obama was elected and then re-elected, one thing became perfectly clear.

The truth is that the race factor in America is not an overwhelming problem anymore.

We have a black president, we have black senators.

Is there racism?

I don't think there's racism.

Racism is no longer a major problem in America.

Yeah, there you go.

Racism is over, people.

Or is it?

More African Americans and Latinos are being bitten by LA County Sheriff's Department canines.

That's right.

Racist dogs.

In fact, a recent study shows that during a six-month period, 100% of bites from LA Sheriff's Department dogs were on blacks and Latinos.

100%!

I sat down with dog trainer Kate Perry.

Dogs cannot be racist.

If the dog is appearing racist,

the biggest problem is at the other end of the leash.

100%

of dogs were only biting minorities.

All right, well.

Is that because we taste better than white people?

A little less mayo in our diet?

No.

Really?

This is Walter.

He's a long-haired chihuahua.

Hi, Walter.

Ah!

Ah!

Okay, okay, okay.

See?

That's racist.

And it only got worse.

Look at this.

Okay.

See?

Oh, you're gonna follow the black girl around the apartment?

Huh?

You wanna see what I'm up to?

I'm just walking around?

He won't stop following me.

He's racist.

But the dog apologists just made excuses.

It's the handler, it's the owners.

Oh my goodness, Kate.

People aren't racist anymore.

We have a black president now.

Okay, so professional dog trainers don't see racism, but I decided to find out why do black people taste so good to dogs?

What the f ⁇ ?

When I typed in why do black people, Google Autofield gave me this.

So now it's not just dogs, computers are racist.

Perhaps CNET's Tim Stevens could tell me what the hell was going on with these hate machines.

Can you explain this to me?

Google's pretty hands-off.

This is basically trying to be predictive and trying to figure out what you're going to search for.

What did black people ever do to a computer?

Computers aren't racist.

What you're looking at is basically search results and searches that other people have typed in.

So it's not your computer itself.

That's just really ranking what other people are looking for.

But people aren't racist anymore.

We're past that.

I assure you, there's no racism from your computer or from any other computer.

Watch this.

Siri, can you tell me of some good soul food restaurants in Harlem?

Harlem?

Don't take me to Harlem.

I will get stolen immediately.

You know, there are a lot of black people there, right?

Thank you, Siri.

That didn't sound like Siri to me.

So what's actually happening with racism?

I talked to Columbia University professor and hairstyle copycat, Carl Hart.

Dogs and computers appeared to be racist.

Why is racism moving into these other arenas?

Because we are outlawing the overt racism.

Racism today is more subtle, of course.

Yeah, I mean, back in the day, if you wanted to offend black people, you had to do it person to person.

What has the world come to?

The world has come to Twitter, Facebook, the internet,

indirect means of committing racist acts, but having real consequences.

So, what will we see in the future?

Maybe like an all-racist internet.

Wait, that's just the internet.

I think we are making progress, obviously, but there's a lot more progress to be made.

So we are progressing.

And I, for one, look forward to a future where racism will be a thing of the past.

Good morning.

Hello.

I hope you enjoy the coffee.

Oven, baked chicken.

I think you said fried chicken.

No, I said bake chicken.

Fried chicken coming right up.

You know what?

I'm reprogramming all you guys tomorrow.

I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Latoya.

Latoya?

Who the f is Latoya?

I'm sorry, Letitia.

My name is just Jessica.

It's the whitest name ever.

Calm down, Ja Jessica.

Jajessica, don't you recognize me?

You all look alike to me.

What, humans?

Sure.

Nice.

Real nice, racist kitchen.

Prom.

A magical evening every student looks forward to.

And Minnesota's Mike Stone and his date Megan Piper were no exception.

I invited 12 girls to prom and they all said no.

Then I asked Megan and she said yes and I was very excited.

But then Mike's school, Tardin High, discovered the truth about Megan.

The school found out about it and they said that they're not gonna allow it to happen.

Is it because she got bad grades?

I'm an adult film actress.

Wait, what?

I perform pornography.

What?

And concerned Minnesota mothers like Marjorie Holston applaud the school's action.

I agree with the school's decision that she should not be allowed at prom.

Her profession is pornography.

Every young man there is going to be mentally undressing her, and maybe that's the type of attention she likes.

I don't know.

Thank God what Megan's doing is considered a felony.

I don't think it's a felony.

So maybe it's a misdemeanor?

Sadly, I believe that what Megan does is legal.

So Megan Piper is an adult who is having consensual sex with another adult in a whole other state in full accordance of the law, and he wants to take her to prom?

Yeah, I mean, Megan Piper said, no, I'm not going to take off my clothes and go naked, but it's like, well, that's what you do in your profession.

Why do you think I'm gonna do that?

Because you're an adult film star.

It's what you do.

That's what you're saying, is all I do is have sex with people.

I don't do anything else.

You're probably having sex right now.

No.

I'm just gonna go there and be his prom date and do all the normal prom stuff.

Okay, but what does normal prom stuff mean to a porn star?

Probably he would have a flower for her.

Where would he put that flower?

There'd be nothing to pin it to, so he better get a risk one.

Then what happens?

Suddenly they're in this limo without adult supervision.

They're alone?

Yeah.

I hope that she wouldn't seduce him, but then again, that's what she does for a living.

And we all know that if you do something for a living, that's all you ever do.

Like how pro football players tackle everyone they see and therefore would never be allowed at prom.

Joyce Grendel, an Independence High School student, tweeted Hayden and asked the football star to be her prom date tonight.

Hayden said yes.

Okay, well, Megan is different.

She's uncontrollable.

I don't plan on doing anything sexual with Mike or any of his friends.

Mike, does that bum you out a little bit?

No.

My expectation is it would probably be kind of a

boring evening.

So

why do we care again?

It's the concept concept that she is a lady who, as a profession, takes off her clothes and does things.

So while we can forgive certain things in our society, like manslaughter convictions and political corruption, there is one profession that is completely unacceptable.

Thankfully, concerned parents like Marjorie will protect our children forever.

Teenagers have hormones going and

it's not appropriate that they see see these websites.

That's right, teenagers shouldn't be watching people have sex on the internet.

They should learn it the way I did by watching animals do it on the street.

Actually, that was how I taught my children.

We started with a boy guinea pig.

What?

You taught your kids sex ed with guinea pigs?

Well, we had a boy and a girl guinea pig that clearly liked each other.

Aren't you afraid that your kids are going to treat these guinea pigs like role models?

Well, you really couldn't see anything because they're big furry little fuzzball things.

I mean that's why there isn't guinea pig porn movies.

For now, but let's hope the porn industry doesn't catch on.

Cinco DiMayo, the party of parties.

I wanted to hit up an authentic fiesta this year, so I went down to Dallas, Texas, where thousands of Latinos were taking the party to the streets.

How's your party going?

Well, this is not exactly a party for us.

Are you kidding?

Look at all these moves I'm doing.

What we looking for is immigration reform.

Here I am with my girls on Cinco de Mayo.

We're here to march for immigration reform.

So 5,000 people chose to waste their Cinco de Mayo by marching for more humane immigration laws?

Nuh, not on my watch.

I have a two-year work permit,

but after that, it's very uncertain.

We're supposed to be talking about party stuff.

Like, what's the craziest place you ever boink somebody?

Mine's just at an Oscar Meyer Wintermobile.

I don't have one like that.

When I was 13,

my father was deported, and I wasn't living with my mother.

She was separated from my family for 20 years.

All right, you know what that means?

Parents away.

You gotta get wicked.

Take the top shirt off.

Yeah!

I was trying to get the party started, but the negativity was wearing me down.

A lot of these people are getting separated from their families, working long hours overtime without being paid.

Fighting for the right right to stay in America.

It's hard for us to get access to medical care.

These people were bumming me out.

What's worse, what I thought was the beer line turned out to be for something called Votar.

Clearly these people had a lot to learn about the American holiday of Cinco de Mayo.

I took a few of these party poopers with me to show them the true meaning of the day.

Cinco de Mayo is the single best excuse to go out and do unlimited tequila shots all day long.

Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

Cinco de Mayo's about partying, no politics.

Once you get into political stuff, then it's no fun anymore.

We don't want to get into political stuff.

No.

This is what Cinco de Mayo's all about!

They had much to learn about our traditions.

Traditionally on Cinco de Mayo, we eat taquitos, which are small tacos.

See, it's a taquito.

A taquito.

Yeah, I don't know what taquito.

Taquitos.

Mustaches, sombreros.

I hate Cinco de Mayo.

I just, bingos can't handle that tequila.

I'm just tired of it.

I just want to go home.

I even figured out a way to combine our ritualized drinking with their bizarre need to constantly crusade for basic rights.

My family being separated,

there's no other way to describe it but inhumane.

Inhumane!

Help the word!

Hold it right here!

A cross-cultural success.

One of the activists even offered to be a designated driver.

Four, I could take four in the back.

Maybe we need each other after all.

They do the jobs we don't want to do: staying sober and being politically engaged.

The Conjuring Last Rights.

On September 5th.

Hooray!

Hooray!

Hooray!

Hooray!

The conjuring last rites only in theater September 5th, Bridget R.

Iowa is most famous for its cornfields, butter sculptures, and butter sculptures of cornfields.

Until last summer when transgender woman Megan Taylor tried to check in to the Drury Inn in the city of Des Moines.

We sat down with Taylor herself for an exclusive tell-all.

I could tell when I checked in to the hotel that it was.

I got this real Megan Taylor.

It was July 12th, 2015.

You presented your ID to the hotel manager.

I have a reservation.

But she was on to you.

Fearing for her life, she took immediate action.

I have to meet that's a little unusual just checking into the hotel.

And if they're dressed as a woman, but it's a man's driver's license.

And that's when the cops came, and all hell broke loose.

But let's rewind here.

What triggered the cops to respond?

You pull out a gun, and then the cops come and you're arrested.

And none of that happened.

What'd you pull out a knife?

No.

Would you do drugs?

Nothing of the sort.

Well, then why the hell were you arrested?

I got arrested because I was a black transgender woman.

Specifically, cops held her because she didn't have a prescription for her hormone pills.

And this is 2016.

What were you doing in Iowa?

I was there going to a funeral.

You were there for a funeral?

Yeah.

And did you get to attend the funeral?

I didn't get to make the funeral at all.

How long were you in jail for?

I was in jail for eight days.

I'm sorry.

I.

It's terrible.

Take your time.

Ugh, I thought it was tough being a black woman, but compared to a black transgender woman, I might as well be a white frat dude at a Dave Matthews concert.

Transgender women get arrested all the time, especially black transgender women, just by walking down the street or anything.

And And by anything, she means literally anything.

Because of discrimination and profiling, at least 47% of black trans people will have at some point in their lives been incarcerated.

Let's underline bold and set fire to that graphic because it's 47%.

You'd think there'd be laws to correct this, but instead, this year alone, state legislatures have introduced 175 anti-trans bills.

Many make it legal to discriminate based solely on religious beliefs.

And then you have these bathroom bills.

It would fine and imprison transgender people who use public restrooms that don't match the gender on their birth certificate.

That's what's really triggering this trans panic.

Just listen to Colorado Representative and Elmer Fudd lookalike, Gordon Klingenschmidt.

Should we fear the transgender community?

Well, they not only want to be confused about their own identity, but they want the rest of us to be confused with them.

Now they want the government to join them in that pretense.

They're making us into liars.

Wow.

Okay, I met with these so-called liars to find out what their evil intentions are there's a notion that trans people are perpetrators in some way that we're sneaking and trying to trick you for the purposes of having sex with you and that's not the case at all people just want to see male and female like it has to fit in one of those two boxes and if it doesn't it makes people uncomfortable and it's surely not a choice that's all you need to know well not according to klingenschmidt who thinks that we're all going to get attacked in the bathroom a man can go into a ladies' room and assault you and your little girl.

Especially in our most important bathrooms.

Next time ladies you go out to Olive Garden, watch out who's going to be in the bathroom.

There's no reported incidences of any trans person ever raping or assaulting anyone in any bathroom ever.

If anything trans people are the ones getting assaulted.

These people are up against some bull.

There must be some small way I can help them out.

Give me some offensive comments or questions and I'll give you some good answers that you can use in your day-to-day life.

Why are your feet so small?

You think my feet are small?

Yeah,

wow.

Woo.

Okay, that's guns a blazing on that question.

I don't currently have a

so.

How much?

How much for...

Sex.

Oh, shit.

How do you have sex?

So your parents are ashamed of you?

What's the gender marker on your ID?

When do you tell them that you're really a man?

I don't know, but it's appropriate.

Do you have cadaver tits?

Don't tell me what that is.

What's your real name?

Yeah, I just want to know.

Yeah, what's your name?

Tell her.

Did you chop it off?

Do straight women date you?

Or anyway?

Do you like the sucker?

The transgender community is more oppressed than I could have ever imagined.

So why does Gordon feel so threatened?

Have you ever been attacked by a transgender person?

Is that why this is happening?

No.

Have you ever had a traumatic experience with a trans person?

I wouldn't call it traumatic.

No, I'd...

Devastating?

Yeah, no.

You haven't.

So why does he feel this way?

Dressing like a woman.

He's not a woman.

Wait a second.

This guy's a preacher, too?

And he thinks what?

It's not just a psychological disorder, it's actually a demonic spirit.

Okay, so now they're possessed?

Go on.

I would be comfortable talking about religious freedom, but I'd have to change into my alter ego if you're okay with that.

You have to change into your alter ego?

Who are you, Lady Gaga?

Go on ahead and change.

Okay, hold up.

Is everybody seeing this?

I am actually waiting for this man to transition so that he can feel more comfortable during our interview.

Oh, and also, hey, heads up, I am not judging him for his personal choice until he took out his phone to judge others for their personal choices.

And Deuteronomy 22, 5 says, a woman must not wear men's clothing, nor a man wear woman's clothing, for the Lord your God detests anyone who does this.

I don't remember that part, but there is a part about shellfish or stoning people to death.

Giving tattoos.

But what about their sincerely held religious beliefs?

They can go in their fing hat because we have separation of church and state because we believe in our Constitution.

Nevertheless, these bathroom bills are being passed and Gordon is doing everything he can to make it happen.

Get used to the idea of having your women and children share bathrooms with cross-dressing men who are going to expose themselves to you.

Do you, for whatever reason, associate being transgender with being a pervert?

I mean, that is perversion.

It's people who label themselves as transgender for the purpose of getting that access to violate the rights of others.

Is it fair to say that because you're a priest, that you're a pedophile?

Well, of course not.

Why is it, of course not?

Why?

Because some people are criminals and some people are not criminals.

Could you take that logic and apply that to the transgender community?

They're apples and oranges.

By apples and oranges, do you mean apples and apples?

Unfortunately, a lot of people think like Gordon.

So how can we end this transphobic epidemic?

Hopefully they can understand that we are striving towards becoming a more authentic version of ourselves after a lot of soul-searching and a lot of thought, and sometimes a lot of trauma and tragedy.

Passing these bills is absolutely going to just add fuel to the fire and ignite trans panic.

Trans panic, panic, panic.

Coming soon.

They've existed since the beginning of time.

They are not who people think they are.

Girl, you know we need to elevate that leg.

They come out at night.

Stop, no.

Or during the day, depending on their schedule.

You forgot your hat.

They have an appetite.

When they're hungry.

You're really going to love this salad.

This summer, get ready for the most boring movie ever.

Where transgender people cause trans panic.

Lights went out again.

Even though they're just like the rest of us.

Yeah, just like us.

Collapse trap here.

Two big things are coming this fall.

Borderlands 4 and Spotify Raft.

So stop listening to that one playlist that reminds you of your ex who Only Made You Cry.

Talking about you, Veronica.

And pre-order Borderlands 4 coming out September 12th.

Rated mature.

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Meet Dr.

Jeannie Safer.

For decades, she's felt the cruel sting of discrimination.

I'm in a mixed marriage, and this did not go over so well with my colleagues and my friends.

People were saying, how can you do this?

Wow, this is more emotional than I thought.

Maybe if we can just get some sadder music, you guys.

There it is.

Go on.

Well,

it was not an easy thing.

Only now are Dr.

Safer and her partner willing to talk about their living hell.

Who's that guy?

He's my husband.

Yeah, but I thought you said you were in a mixed marriage.

Well, we are.

I'm an R.

You're an R?

You're a a Russian?

Republican.

I'm a conservative Republican, and she is a liberal Democrat.

Oh, my God, that's awful.

It's the worst kind of mixed marriage.

For 34 years and counting, these traitors have completely turned their backs on their political parties.

How could you guys be this way?

How did this happen?

Have some respect for your own culture.

Well, we do.

So what do you guys even talk about in your day-to-day?

We talk about what we're doing.

Yeah, but how do you take sides on what you're doing?

I mean, there's no side.

It's like, how's it going?

How's it going?

Well, you see, it's not really all about taking sides.

Okay, see, that's the wrong side.

Somehow, they never learned how Democrats and Republicans are supposed to interact.

Okay, guys,

I think my solution

should quit lying with the American people.

No, no, no.

Luckily, things are getting better.

Today, more and more people understand you should only date within your party, like these Democrats and these Republicans.

Would any of you ever date a Republican?

No.

No, I would not date a Republican.

Not at all.

I would never date a committed Democrat, one who's thought about the issue and says, yes, I am a Democrat.

Thankfully, a third of Democrats and nearly half of Republicans think there's something wrong with marrying across party lines.

What would be the downside of dating a Republican?

The downside of dating a Republican is like on a Friday night, if I want to go see Selma and they just want to like stay home and watch YouTube videos of Ronald Reagan speeches,

I'm just not going to be down with that.

So it's going to be hard to date outside of your own species.

Like it would, I imagine it would be hard to date like a bird or something.

Right.

Because it's like I...

Can't do anything.

Right.

Yeah, you'd be like, let's go to a movie.

And the bird would be like, quack.

And there's there's another reason you don't want to date the other side.

I think Republicans are too judgmental.

I don't really listen to Democrats when they speak.

They're the most judgmental.

They are very open-minded about who they date within their own party.

My ideal mate would be a tree hugger.

My ideal mate should have three guns.

Accepting of gay people.

Doesn't complain about minimum wage.

A smaller, more economical card, an escalade, or a hunter.

Open-minded.

Small-town values.

He'd have like more than one black friend, hopefully.

What's like a good number of black friends that he would have?

Eight or nine.

So an eclectic group, like a menagerie of black friends.

That'd be very cool with that.

These guys understand what's truly important in a relationship, unlike Jeannie and Rick.

We've both been in the hospital with cancer at different times.

When someone's coming to visit you and be with you and take care of you, you don't ask what their party registration is.

Cancer, hospitals, healthcare, Obamacare?

Why don't you guys argue about that?

We were trying not to die.

To show this couple how it's impossible to have a mixed-party marriage today, we set up two of our panelists, one Democrat and one Republican, on a date.

I grew up in California until I was about 15 and then moved to Arizona.

Cool.

How long have you been in New York?

I've been here two and a half years now.

Mm-hmm.

How about you?

I've been in New York for two years now.

It was a catastrophe.

This couldn't be.

They were conversing like regular people.

I really like this place.

The atmosphere is really nice.

Yeah, I do like the atmosphere.

Atmosphere?

Atmosphere?

Hey, do you know how many particles of CO2 were released into the atmosphere in 2014?

Tell them about it.

Right.

You're missing so many opportunities here.

So many.

Okay.

For our political ecosystem to work, they need to become tribal.

Do you have any brothers and sisters?

I have a younger sister.

Tell them if she's gay, then you support her right to get married.

But she's not gay.

It's all right.

It's okay to stir the pot.

I'm just trying to stir the pot.

I'm trying to get some started.

In the end, there's only one way to make sure that you agree with your partner on every political point.

I feel that way too about the Keystone Pipeline.

That's so funny.

You're great.

You're really great.

Wow.

It's a match made in heaven.

Habitat destruction.

It's pushed thousands of Earth's plants and animals to the brink of extinction, including one of our most beloved species.

In China, they were cutting the bamboo forest and they were cutting the habitat of the panda, and the panda was going to be extinct.

So this is also happening on a different scale with the pubic lice.

What?

Pubic lice?

Sadly, our changing grooming habits are responsible for the pubic louse's decline.

Dr.

Jonathan Zenelman.

People are getting bikini waxes and are removing genital hair.

It's very much like deforestation.

Just as the expansion of logging operations have demolished much of the world's rainforests, Brazilian wax and burn techniques have threatened the ecosystem of the pubic louse, up to 80% in some regions.

What's the ideal habitat for pubic lice to thrive?

Someplace warm, moist, and with some hair floating around.

So in order to save the crabs, I should start growing out my own pubic hair.

Yes.

Okay, I'm going to start doing that right now.

Once my reserve blossoms into a lush sanctuary, I'll be able to breed pubic lice in captivity to release into the wild.

But where do I even find specimens?

Dr.

Zinnelman believes the species is still flourishing in one of America's last pristine ecosystems, the pubic lice paradise known as Baltimore.

In Baltimore, we haven't seen much decrease.

We get a lot of John Waters types.

You know, people who,

you know.

What's he mean, John Waters types?

You know, you may have seen types of folks you may have seen,

you know, in some of the John Waters movies, you know, who, you know.

But even critically acclaimed filmmakers understand that the pubic louse is becoming a relic of a bygone era.

20, 30 years ago, everybody had crabs.

I don't hear about any young person getting crabs today.

It's over.

You make it sound so cool.

Even romantic.

It was romantic.

To some, yeah.

Because you shared something with your partner.

And it wasn't fatal.

If even the crab capital Baltimore doesn't have pubic lice, where on earth could we find them?

I went to the American Museum of Natural History to check the collection of pubic lice they have.

They have nothing.

What?

Not a single specimen.

It was up to us, so I took Kays to the last refuge where sexually active, poorly groomed individuals roam free, Brooklyn.

Everywhere we looked, we saw a vast array of vegetation.

The natives of Williamsburg, untouched by first-world grooming habits, appeared to be ripe ecosystems for pubic lice to thrive.

Can you help me find specimens of pubic lice for me?

I'm new in town.

Okay, see that right there?

Yes, that was weird.

Yeah, we gotta ease into it.

Ease into it.

Thank you.

Here's your vodka.

There you go.

Thank you.

Hey.

So,

do you have pubic lice?

But despite this eco-pioneer's valiant efforts, the fragile pubic louse has all but disappeared from this once fertile region.

If we were going to save the species, we'd need to think local but act global.

undefined

hi, you're probably expecting Sarah McLaughlin, but she doesn't give a shit about pubic lice.

I'm Amy Mann, and I do.

Will you be an angel for a homeless pubic louse?

Every day pubic lice are losing their homes and they're crying out for help.

Call the number on your screen in the next 30 minutes, and you'll receive a beautiful tote bag.

Your call says I'm here to help.

Please call.

Their future depends on it.

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Black Friday is just around the corner, and it seems like everyone on television has tips for shoppers.

Deals are in the back.

Prioritize by price.

Don't buy toys.

Don't turn right.

And most importantly, don't be black.

Two black shoppers in just one week are accusing the department store of wrongful detainment.

He was racially profiled in Macy's Harold Square.

She used her tax rebate money to buy this bag at Barney's and was then stopped by the cops.

It is hard to take advantage of all the Black Friday steals when you're being accused of stealing.

When I left the store three blocks away from the store, four undercover cops told me that they would like to see what I purchased.

And what did your white friend say?

My white friend.

Everybody knows you're supposed to bring your white friend with you when you go shopping at a place like that.

I should have next time I know to bring my white friend.

Oh,

so the problem isn't racial profiling in stores.

It's that that black people have forgotten how to shop.

When they finally came up to me, I thought they were going to help me, and they didn't.

They actually asked me to leave.

Just because you look like a gap model doesn't mean you won't get profiled.

I went into a store and asked a sales girl if I could see some jeans, and she said they're so expensive.

I felt like I was pretty woman.

You thought because you're very well put together, you could just go in and shop anywhere you want without getting racially profiled.

You do know you're black, right?

I know.

Uh-oh, watch out, cops.

Cops.

Clearly, it's time to give black Americans my own Black Friday shopping tips.

Let's start simple.

When entering a store, alert everyone to your presence.

Hey, everybody, my name is Jessica Williams, and I intend to buy a pack of gum.

Reaching into my pocket right now to pull out money, not a gun.

Permission to approach.

But upscale stores are the trickiest.

To be sure that you don't get arrested, try making friends with security.

I baked some cookies.

Can I go shop now?

Or if that doesn't work, ask a white person to shop for you.

Do you think you can buy me that watch on the display?

You can totally use my credit card.

All you have to do is sign my name and then just bring me to the camera.

I really don't feel comfortable doing that.

Excuse me?

Excuse me?

You look white.

Can I ask you a favor?

Uh, what?

Do you think that if I give you $140, you can buy me those sunglasses in the window right there?

Yeah, sure.

Oh, thank you.

Hey!

Finally, for a more tangible shopping experience, hire a middle-aged white lady as your personal shopper and equip her with a hidden camera inside a neck brace.

Now she's ready to go.

All right, we're in.

Go left.

No, you're other left.

Okay, hat.

Let's try on some hats.

Oh my god, would you look at this?

Put that shit back.

I'm not feeling it.

Where are you?

Handbags?

Let's move on, Peggy.

Oh, look.

You found my cat.

Oh, Jess, this is just perfect.

That's not really my style because my style is not ugly.

Good call.

Boots.

I am digging those knee highs.

These would look good in the club.

Did you just say de club?

Maybe a little makeup?

My friend has more of a darker complexion.

Like a deep tan.

I'm black, Peggy.

You can say black.

So that was a bust.

But thankfully, when all else fails, there is one other way to avoid getting racially profiled.

Cover your skin.

Oh, got it.

States are scrambling to come up with alternatives to the Obamacare Medicaid expansion.

And Tennessee has a truly innovative way to address the needs of their neediest.

If you're elderly and very sick, Tennessee wants to help you with your medical bills.

There's a new 10-care program called Standard Spend Down.

It helps people who are poor or even those who make too much money for Medicaid.

Here's how it works: you're going to have to call a hotline, and it will close as soon as they've taken information from 2,500 people.

But be warned, it is the same number.

Thousands of other people will be calling at the same time.

Yep, it's a healthcare lottery.

Give it up for the Tennessee standards.

Spend down.

Rather than accept federal money to cover 330,000 uninsured, they award healthcare to only the first 2,500 callers.

It's like calling the morning zoo for Rihanna tickets, except if you don't win, your diabetes goes untreated.

Game of Chance enthusiast Gina Luther loves it.

What idiot come up with that idea?

It's playing with people's lives like you were playing a slot machine.

You don't like slot machines?

I love slot machines, but I don't like Russian roulette.

Sounds like somebody wasn't dialing fast enough.

No, I just wasn't able to call.

I was actually in the hospital having surgery.

You snooze, you lose, Gina.

Well, I know that, and I don't know why in this world that that anesthesiologist didn't wake me up.

Clearly, Gina's just a sore loser.

Conservative strategist Matt Kibbe explains why the state is doing the right thing.

I've been talking to some folks in Tennessee.

They'd be eligible for Medicaid expansion, but they're not big fans of Tennessee rejecting it.

What would you say to them?

I think they need to understand that Tennessee can't be everything to everybody.

They have to make the budget balance.

That's just the way it is.

You see, Gina, the state budget must be saved from the Medicaid expansion that doesn't affect the state budget.

I bet one of the lucky 2,500 winners will be more appreciative.

Congratulations, Jerry!

You just won the Tennessee Healthcare Lottery!

You persevered, you called a million times, and now you finally got health insurance.

Uh no.

No?

Well they send you application first, you fill the application out, then you send it back in, then you wait.

Then

it takes

90 days to six months to get, you know, before you know anything.

Well, if you say it like that, it doesn't sound so great.

But what about like this?

Well, they send you application first, you fill the application out, then you send it back in, then you wait.

Okay, so healthcare lottery winners don't actually win healthcare, but they do win a mountain of paperwork and six months of suspense.

Do you have any foreign bank assets or accounts overseas?

Nope.

And if you think that's f ⁇ ed up, hold on.

There's more.

Many winners lose coverage after a year.

The healthcare lottery has 3,500 winner slots, but only 1,000 are awarded in any time.

Why?

Who knows?

The healthcare lottery reserves the right to erroneously announce the contest is over before any calls are received.

Yes, this actually happened.

There you have it.

A solid alternative to Obamacare.

Because Tennessee conservatives know you can't do everything for everybody.

And sometimes that means doing nothing for the people who need it most.

So keep dialing, Tennessee.

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Becoming the most valuable sports franchise in the world doesn't happen without risk.

A man who's willing to bet it all and the players ready to make their own luck.

America's Team, The Gambler and His Cowboys, is the story of the 1990s Dallas Cowboys and Jerry Jones' impact on NFL history, featuring interviews with iconic 90s players and more.

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This is Larry Flick, owner of the Floor Store.

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The Floor Stores Labor Day sale.

Don't let the sun set on this one.

Go to floorstores.com to find the nearest of our 10 showrooms from Santa Rosa to San Jose.

The Floor Store, your area flooring authority.

This is Larry Flick, owner of the Floor Store.

Labor Day is the last sale of the summer, but this one is our biggest sale of the year.

Now through September 2nd, get up to 50% off store-wide on carpet, hardwood, laminate, waterproof flooring, and much more.

Plus two years interest-free financing and we pay your sales tax.

The floor stores Labor Day sale.

Don't let the sun set on this one.

Go to floorstores.com to find the nearest of our 10 showrooms from Santa Rosa to San Jose.

The Floor Store, your area flooring authority.