In the Field with Jessica Williams

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Speaker 5 You're listening to Comedy Central.

Speaker 6 When President Obama was elected and then re-elected, one thing became perfectly clear.

Speaker 11 The truth is that the race factor in America is not an overwhelming problem anymore. We have a black president, we have black senators.

Speaker 12 Is there racism?

Speaker 13 I don't think there's racism.

Speaker 14 Racism is no longer a major problem in America.

Speaker 9 Yeah, there you go.

Speaker 8 Racism is over, people.

Speaker 15 Or is it?

Speaker 16 More African Americans and Latinos are being bitten by LA County Sheriff's Department canines.

Speaker 17 That's right.

Speaker 15 Racist dogs.

Speaker 7 In fact, a recent study shows that during a six-month period, 100% of fights from LA Sheriff's Department dogs were on blacks and Latinos.

Speaker 8 100%!

Speaker 7 I sat down with dog trainer Kate Perry.

Speaker 22 Dogs cannot be racist. If the dog is appearing racist,

Speaker 22 the biggest problem is at the other end of the leash.

Speaker 15 100%

Speaker 23 of dogs were only biting minorities.

Speaker 24 Right, well.

Speaker 25 Is that because we taste better than white people?

Speaker 26 Little less male and bite.

Speaker 27 No.

Speaker 20 Really?

Speaker 22 This is Walter. He's a long-haired chihuahua.

Speaker 12 Hi, Walter.

Speaker 18 Ah!

Speaker 17 Ah! Okay, okay, okay. See?

Speaker 23 That's racist.

Speaker 17 And it only got worse.

Speaker 31 Look at this.

Speaker 18 Okay, see?

Speaker 32 Oh, you're gonna follow the black girl around the apartment?

Speaker 19 Huh? You wanna see what I'm up to?

Speaker 32 I'm just walking around?

Speaker 33 He won't stop following me. He's racist.

Speaker 7 But the dog apologist just made excuses.

Speaker 33 It's the handler, it's the owners.

Speaker 34 Oh my goodness, Kate.

Speaker 35 People aren't racist anymore.

Speaker 36 We have a black president now.

Speaker 15 Okay, so professional dog traders don't see racism.

Speaker 6 But I decided to find out why do black people taste so good to dog.

Speaker 7 What the f?

Speaker 9 When I typed in, why do black people, Google Autofield gave me this?

Speaker 7 So now it's not just dogs, computers are racist.

Speaker 19 Perhaps CNET's Tim Stevens could tell me what the hell was going on with these hate machines.

Speaker 34 Can you explain this to me?

Speaker 14 Google's pretty hands-off. This is basically trying to be predictive and trying to figure out what you're going to search for.

Speaker 39 What did black people ever do to f a computer?

Speaker 14 Computers aren't racist. What you're looking at is basically search results and searches that other people have typed in.
So it's not your computer itself.

Speaker 41 It's just really ranking what other people are looking for.

Speaker 42 But people aren't racist anymore.

Speaker 21 We're past that.

Speaker 41 I assure you, there's no racism from your computer or from any other computer.

Speaker 31 Watch this.

Speaker 26 Siri, can you tell me of some good soul food restaurants in Harlem?

Speaker 43 Harlem?

Speaker 39 Don't take me to Harlem.

Speaker 34 I will get stolen immediately.

Speaker 32 You know, there are a lot of black people there, right?

Speaker 31 Thank you, Siri.

Speaker 14 That didn't sound like Siri to me.

Speaker 19 So what's actually happening with racism?

Speaker 45 I talked to Columbia University professor and hairstyle copycat, Carl Hart.

Speaker 13 Dogs and computers appear to be racist.

Speaker 33 Why is racism moving into these other arenas?

Speaker 46 Because we are outlawing the overt racism. Racism today is more subtle, of course.

Speaker 23 Yeah, I mean, back in the day, if you wanted to offend black people, you had to do it person to person. What has the world come to?

Speaker 41 The world has come to Twitter, Facebook, the internet,

Speaker 41 indirect means of committing racist acts, but having real consequences.

Speaker 33 So what will we see in the future?

Speaker 34 Maybe like an all-racist internet.

Speaker 33 Oh wait, that's just the internet.

Speaker 41 I think we are making progress obviously but there's a lot more progress to be made.

Speaker 7 So we are progressing and I for one look forward to a future where racism will be a thing of the past.

Speaker 24 Good morning.

Speaker 18 Hello.

Speaker 2 I hope you enjoy the coffee.

Speaker 50 Oven, baked chicken.

Speaker 41 I think you said fried chicken.

Speaker 26 No, I said bake chicken.

Speaker 41 Fried chicken coming right up.

Speaker 49 You You know what?

Speaker 51 I'm reprogramming all you guys tomorrow.

Speaker 47 I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Latoya.

Speaker 18 Latoya, who the f is Latoya?

Speaker 12 I'm sorry, Letitia.

Speaker 19 My name is just Jessica.

Speaker 35 It's the whitest name ever.

Speaker 47 Calm down, Jajessica.

Speaker 19 Jajessica, don't you recognize me?

Speaker 47 You all look alike to me.

Speaker 19 What, humans?

Speaker 18 Sure.

Speaker 31 Nice. Real nice racist kitchen.

Speaker 18 Prom.

Speaker 17 A magical evening every student looks forward to.

Speaker 6 And Minnesota's Mike Stone and his date Megan Piper were no exception.

Speaker 53 I invited 12 girls to prom and they all said no.

Speaker 53 Then I asked Megan and she said yes and I was very excited.

Speaker 13 But then Mike's school, Tardin High, discovered the truth about Megan.

Speaker 53 The school found out about it, and they said that they're not going to allow it to happen.

Speaker 13 Is it because she got bad grades?

Speaker 29 I'm an adult film actress.

Speaker 8 Wait, what?

Speaker 29 I perform pornography.

Speaker 21 What?

Speaker 49 And concerned Minnesota mothers like Marjorie Holston applaud the school's action.

Speaker 55 I agree with the school's decision that she should not be allowed at prom. Her profession is pornography.

Speaker 55 Every young man there is going to be mentally undressing her, and maybe that's the type of attention she likes. I don't know.

Speaker 25 Thank God what Megan's doing is considered a felony.

Speaker 55 I don't think it's a felony.

Speaker 33 So maybe it's a misdemeanor?

Speaker 55 Sadly, I believe that what Megan does is legal.

Speaker 6 So Megan Piper is an adult who is having consensual sex with another adult in a whole other state.

Speaker 36 in full accordance of the law, and he wants to take her to prom?

Speaker 55 Yeah, I mean, Megan Piper said, no, I'm not gonna take off my clothes and go naked, but it's like, well, that's what you do in your profession.

Speaker 29 Why do you think I'm gonna do that?

Speaker 44 Because you're an adult film star.

Speaker 7 It's what you do.

Speaker 29 That's what you're saying, is all I do is have sex with people. I don't do anything else.

Speaker 6 You're probably having sex right now.

Speaker 29 No.

Speaker 29 I'm just gonna go there and... be his prom date and do all the normal prom stuff.

Speaker 21 Okay, but what does normal prom stuff mean to a porn star?

Speaker 55 Probably he would have a flower for her.

Speaker 56 Where would he put that flower?

Speaker 55 There'd be nothing to pin it to, so he better get a risk one.

Speaker 23 Then what happens?

Speaker 55 Suddenly they're in this limo without adult supervision. They're alone? Yeah.
I hope that she wouldn't seduce him. But then again, that's what she does for a living.

Speaker 17 And we all know that if you do something for a living, that's all you ever do.

Speaker 6 Like how pro football players tackle everyone they see and therefore would never be allowed at prom.

Speaker 16 Joyce Grendel, an independence high school student, tweeted Hayden and asked the football star to be her prom date tonight. Hayden said yes.

Speaker 19 Okay, well, Megan is different.

Speaker 15 She's uncontrollable.

Speaker 29 I don't plan on doing anything sexual with Mike or any of his friends.

Speaker 23 Mike, does that bum you out a little bit?

Speaker 18 No.

Speaker 55 My expectation is it would probably be kind of a boring evening so

Speaker 17 why do we care again

Speaker 55 it's the concept that she is a lady who as a profession takes off her clothes and does things so while we can forgive certain things in our society like manslaughter convictions and political corruption there is one profession that is completely unacceptable Thankfully, concerned parents like Marjorie will protect our children forever.

Speaker 55 Teenagers have hormones going and

Speaker 55 it's not appropriate that they see these websites.

Speaker 44 That's right, teenagers shouldn't be watching people have sex on the internet.

Speaker 7 They should learn it the way I did by watching animals do it on the street.

Speaker 55 Actually, that was how I taught my children. We started with a boy guinea pig.
What?

Speaker 19 You taught your kids sex ed with guinea pigs?

Speaker 55 Well, we had a boy and a girl guinea pig that clearly liked each other.

Speaker 26 Aren't you afraid that your kids are gonna treat these guinea pigs like role models?

Speaker 55 Well, you really couldn't see anything because they're big furry little fuzzball things. I mean, that's why there isn't guinea pig porn movies.

Speaker 49 For now.

Speaker 34 But let's hope the porn industry doesn't catch on.

Speaker 45 Cinco DiMayo, the party of parties.

Speaker 34 I wanted to hit up an authentic fiesta this year, so I went down to Dallas, Texas, where thousands of Latinos were taking the party to the streets.

Speaker 39 How's your party going?

Speaker 57 Well, this is not exactly a party for us.

Speaker 36 Are you kidding? Look at all these moves I'm doing.

Speaker 58 What we're looking for is immigration reform.

Speaker 9 Here I am with my girls. I'm Cinco de Mayo.

Speaker 29 We're here to march for immigration reform.

Speaker 7 So 5,000 people chose to waste their Cinco de Mayo by marching for more humane immigration laws?

Speaker 9 Nuh-uh, not on my watch.

Speaker 59 I have have a two-year work permit,

Speaker 59 but after that it's very uncertain.

Speaker 7 We're supposed to be talking about party stuff like what's the craziest place you ever boink somebody.

Speaker 23 Mine's just at an Oscar Meyer Winemobile.

Speaker 59 I don't have one like that.

Speaker 61 When I was 13,

Speaker 61 my father was deported and I wasn't living with my mother. She was separated from my family for 20 years.

Speaker 9 All right, you know what that means? Parents away. You gotta get wicked.

Speaker 15 Take the top shirt off.

Speaker 50 Yeah!

Speaker 44 I was trying to get the party started, but the negativity was wearing me down.

Speaker 61 A lot of these people are getting separated from their families, working long hours overtime without being paid, fighting for the right to stay in America.

Speaker 63 It's hard for us to get access to medical care.

Speaker 42 These people were bumming me out.

Speaker 21 What's worse, what I thought was the beer line turned out to be for something called Votar.

Speaker 17 Clearly, these people had a lot to learn about the American holiday of Cinco de Mayo.

Speaker 7 I took a few of these party poopers with me to show them the true meaning of the day.

Speaker 64 Cinco de Mayo is the single best excuse to go out and do unlimited tequila shots all day long.

Speaker 30 Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

Speaker 65 Cinco de Mayo's about party and no politics. Once you get into political stuff, then it's no fun anymore.

Speaker 19 We don't want to get into political stuff.

Speaker 18 No. This is what Cinco de Mayo is all about!

Speaker 45 They had much to learn about our traditions.

Speaker 41 Traditionally on Cinco de Mayo, we eat taquitos, which are small tacos.

Speaker 19 See, it's a taquito. A taquito.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I don't don't know what to feel.

Speaker 18 Taquitos.

Speaker 67 Mustaches, sombreros.

Speaker 68 I hate cincare mayo. I just, bingos can't handle the tequila.
Just tired of it. I just want to go home.

Speaker 44 I even figured out a way to combine our ritualized drinking with their bizarre need to constantly crusade for basic rights.

Speaker 61 My family being separated,

Speaker 61 there's no other way to describe it but inhumane.

Speaker 9 Inhumane!

Speaker 21 A cross-cultural success.

Speaker 34 One of the activists even offered to be a designated driver.

Speaker 57 Four, I could say four in the back.

Speaker 7 Maybe we need each other after all.

Speaker 7 They do the jobs we don't want to do.

Speaker 50 Staying sober and being politically engaged.

Speaker 13 I am so excited for this spa day.

Speaker 24 Candles lit.

Speaker 13 Music on.

Speaker 28 Hot tub warm and ready.

Speaker 48 And then my chronic hives come back.

Speaker 70 Again, in the middle of my spa day, what a wet blanket.

Speaker 48 Looks like another spell of itchy red skin.

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Speaker 42 Iowa is most famous for its cornfields, butter sculptures, and butter sculptures of cornfields.

Speaker 6 Until last summer, when transgender woman Megan Taylor tried to check in to the Drury Inn in the city of Des Moines.

Speaker 15 We sat down with Taylor herself for an exclusive tell-all.

Speaker 40 I could tell when I checked in to the hotel that it was.

Speaker 34 I got this real Megan Taylor.

Speaker 13 It was July 12th, 2015.

Speaker 7 You presented your ID to the hotel manager.

Speaker 40 I have a reservation.

Speaker 8 But she was on to you.

Speaker 9 Fearing for her life, she took immediate action.

Speaker 71 I hear something that's a little unusual just checking into the hotel. And they're dressed as a woman, but it's it's a man's driver's license.

Speaker 15 And that's when the cops came and all hell broke loose.

Speaker 9 But let's rewind here.

Speaker 38 What triggered the cops to respond?

Speaker 44 You pull out a gun and then the cops come and you're arrested?

Speaker 72 None of that happened.

Speaker 6 What'd you pull out a knife?

Speaker 18 No.

Speaker 7 Would you do drugs?

Speaker 58 Nothing of the sort.

Speaker 31 Well, then why the hell were you arrested?

Speaker 72 I got arrested because I was a black transgender woman.

Speaker 7 Specifically, cops held her because she she didn't have a prescription for her hormone pills.

Speaker 8 And this is 2016.

Speaker 37 What were you doing in Iowa?

Speaker 72 I was there going to a funeral.

Speaker 38 You were there for a funeral?

Speaker 73 Yeah.

Speaker 31 And did you get to attend the funeral?

Speaker 72 I didn't get to make the funeral at all.

Speaker 39 How long were you in jail for?

Speaker 72 I was in jail for eight days.

Speaker 45 I'm sorry.

Speaker 72 It's terrible. Take your time.

Speaker 60 Ugh, I thought it was tough being a black woman, but compared to a black transgender woman, I might as well be a white frat dude at a Dave Matthews concert.

Speaker 72 Transgender women get arrested all the time, especially black transgender women, just by walking down the street or anything.

Speaker 60 And by anything, she means literally anything.

Speaker 51 Because of discrimination and profiling, at least 47% of black trans people will have at some point in their lives been incarcerated.

Speaker 15 Let's underline Bold and set fire to that graphic because it's 47%.

Speaker 51 You'd think there'd be laws to correct this, but instead, this year alone, state legislatures have introduced 175 anti-trans bills.

Speaker 60 Many make it legal to discriminate based solely on religious beliefs.

Speaker 9 And then you have these bathroom bills.

Speaker 43 That would fine and imprison transgender people who use public restrooms that don't match the gender on their birth certificate.

Speaker 45 That's what's really triggering this trans panic.

Speaker 32 Just listen to Colorado Representative and Elmer Fudd lookalike, Gordon Klingenschmidt.

Speaker 39 Should we fear the transgender community?

Speaker 74 Well, they not only want to be confused about their own identity, but they want the rest of us to be confused with them. Now they want the government to join them in that pretense.

Speaker 74 They're making us into liars.

Speaker 20 Wow.

Speaker 51 Okay, I met with these so-called liars to find out what their evil intentions are.

Speaker 58 There's a notion that trans people are perpetrators in some way, that we're sneaking and trying to trick you for the purposes of having sex with you.

Speaker 43 And that's not the case at all.

Speaker 41 People just want to see male and female like it has to fit in one of those two boxes. And if it doesn't, it makes people uncomfortable.

Speaker 17 And it's it's surely not a choice that's all you need to know well not according to Klingenschmidt who thinks that we're all going to get attacked in the bathroom a man can go into a ladies room and assault you and your little girl especially in our most important bathrooms next time ladies you go out to Olive Garden watch out who's gonna be in the bathroom there's no reported incidences of any trans person ever raping or assaulting anyone in any bathroom ever if anything trans people are the ones getting assaulted these people are up against some bull.

Speaker 15 There must be some small way I can help them out.

Speaker 31 Give me some offensive comments or questions and I'll give you some good answers that you can use in your day-to-day life.

Speaker 19 Why are your feet so small?

Speaker 73 You think my feet are small? Yeah,

Speaker 73 wow. Woo.
Okay, that's guns a blazing on that question.

Speaker 66 I don't currently have a

Speaker 29 so. How much?

Speaker 21 How much for sex?

Speaker 47 Oh shit.

Speaker 47 How do you have sex?

Speaker 76 So your parents ashamed of you?

Speaker 41 What's the gender marker on your ID?

Speaker 58 When do you tell them that you're really a man?

Speaker 36 I don't know when it's appropriate.

Speaker 39 Do you have cadaver tits?

Speaker 66 Don't tell me what that is.

Speaker 14 What's your real name?

Speaker 3 Yeah, I just want to know.

Speaker 40 Yeah, what's your name? Tell us.

Speaker 76 Did you chop it off?

Speaker 19 Did stray women date you?

Speaker 52 I mean, with a cough. Do you like the sun?

Speaker 18 What's your real name?

Speaker 17 The transgender community is more oppressed than I could have ever imagined.

Speaker 7 So why does Gordon feel so threatened?

Speaker 39 Have you ever been attacked by a transgender person?

Speaker 31 Is that why this is happening?

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 13 Have you ever had a traumatic experience with a trans person?

Speaker 74 I wouldn't call it traumatic. No, I...

Speaker 18 Devastating?

Speaker 2 Yeah, no. You haven't.

Speaker 8 So why does he feel this way?

Speaker 74 Dressing like a woman.

Speaker 8 And he's not a woman.

Speaker 15 Wait a second.

Speaker 8 This guy's a preacher, too?

Speaker 20 And he thinks what?

Speaker 74 It's not just a psychological disorder, it's actually a demonic spirit.

Speaker 8 Okay, so now they're possessed?

Speaker 18 Go on.

Speaker 75 I would be comfortable.

Speaker 74 Talking about religious freedom, but I'd have to change into my alter ego if you're okay with that.

Speaker 38 You have to change into your alter ego. Who are you? Lady Gaga?

Speaker 9 Go on ahead and change.

Speaker 15 Okay, hold up.

Speaker 8 Is everybody seeing this? I am actually waiting for this man to transition so that he can feel more comfortable during our interview.

Speaker 15 Oh, and also, hey, heads up. I am not judging him for his personal choice until he took out his phone to judge others for their personal choices.

Speaker 74 And Deuteronomy 22, 5 says, a woman must not wear men's clothing, nor a man wear woman's clothing, for the Lord your God detests anyone who does this.

Speaker 58 I don't remember that part, but there is a part about shellfish or stoning people to death.

Speaker 73 Giving tattoos.

Speaker 45 But what about their sincerely held religious beliefs?

Speaker 77 They can go in their hat because we have separation of church and state because we believe in our Constitution.

Speaker 67 Nevertheless, these bathroom bills are being passed and Gordon is doing everything he can to make it happen.

Speaker 74 Get used to the idea of having your women and children share bathrooms with cross-dressing men who are going to expose themselves to you.

Speaker 31 Do you, for whatever reason, associate being transgender with being a pervert?

Speaker 74 I mean that is perversion. It's people who label themselves as transgender for the purpose of getting that access to violate the rights of others.

Speaker 31 Is it fair to say that because you're a priest that you're a pedophile?

Speaker 74 Well of course not.

Speaker 6 Why is it of course not? Why?

Speaker 74 Because some people are criminals and some people are not criminals.

Speaker 39 Could you take that logic and apply that to the transgender community?

Speaker 74 They're apples and oranges.

Speaker 39 By apples and oranges, do you mean apples and apples?

Speaker 13 Unfortunately, a lot of people think like Gordon.

Speaker 6 So how can we end this transphobic epidemic?

Speaker 58 Hopefully they can understand that we are striving towards becoming a more authentic version of ourselves after a lot of soul searching and a lot of thought and sometimes a lot of trauma and tragedy.

Speaker 41 Passing these bills is absolutely going to just add fuel to the fire and ignite trans panic.

Speaker 11 Trans panic, panic, panic.

Speaker 30 Coming soon.

Speaker 37 They've existed since the beginning of time.

Speaker 20 They are not who people think they are.

Speaker 18 Girl, you know we need to elevate that leg.

Speaker 9 They come out at night.

Speaker 12 Stop, no.

Speaker 36 Or during the day, depending on their schedule.

Speaker 23 You forgot your hat.

Speaker 17 They have an appetite.

Speaker 32 When they're hungry.

Speaker 73 You're really gonna love this salad.

Speaker 37 This summer, get ready for the most boring movie ever, where transgender people cause trans panic.

Speaker 61 Lights went out again.

Speaker 8 Even though they're just like the rest of us.

Speaker 18 What else is on Netflix?

Speaker 9 Yeah,

Speaker 30 just like us.

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Speaker 19 Meet Dr. Jeannie Safer.

Speaker 15 For decades, she's felt the cruel sting of discrimination.

Speaker 22 I'm in a mixed marriage, and this did not go over so well with my colleagues and my friends.

Speaker 53 People were saying, how can you do this?

Speaker 29 Wow, this is more emotional than I thought.

Speaker 73 Maybe if we can just get some sadder music, you guys.

Speaker 24 There it is. Go on.

Speaker 18 Well,

Speaker 22 it was not an easy thing.

Speaker 7 Only now are Dr.

Speaker 32 Sefer and her partner willing to talk about their living hell.

Speaker 25 Who's that guy?

Speaker 22 He's my husband.

Speaker 34 Yeah, but I thought you said you're in a mixed marriage.

Speaker 32 Well, we are.

Speaker 52 I'm an R.

Speaker 23 You're an R?

Speaker 42 You're a Russian?

Speaker 2 Republican. I'm a conservative Republican, and she is a liberal Democrat.

Speaker 2 Oh my god, that's awful.

Speaker 7 It's the worst kind of mixed marriage. For 34 years and counting, these traitors have completely turned their backs on their political parties.

Speaker 31 How could you guys be this way?

Speaker 19 How did this happen?

Speaker 45 Have some respect for your own culture.

Speaker 12 Well, we do.

Speaker 6 So what do you guys even talk about in your day-to-day?

Speaker 2 We talk about what we're doing.

Speaker 6 Yeah, but how do you take sides on what you're doing?

Speaker 2 I mean, there's no side. It's like, how's it going?

Speaker 42 How's it going?

Speaker 22 Well, you see, it's not really all about taking sides okay see that's the wrong side somehow they never learned how democrats and republicans are supposed to interact

Speaker 18 quit lying to the american people

Speaker 37 luckily things are getting better today more and more people understand you should only date within your party like these democrats and these republicans would any of you ever date a republican No.

Speaker 27 No, I would not date a Republican. No.

Speaker 57 Not at all.

Speaker 75 I would never date a committed Democrat, one who's thought about the issue and says, yes, I am a Democrat.

Speaker 60 Thankfully, a third of Democrats and nearly half of Republicans think there's something wrong with marrying across party lines.

Speaker 34 What would be the downside of dating a Republican?

Speaker 27 The downside of dating a Republican is like on a Friday night, if I want to go see Selma and they just want to like stay home and watch YouTube videos of Ronald Reagan Reagan speeches,

Speaker 27 I'm just not going to be down with that. So it's going to be hard to date outside of your own species.

Speaker 56 Like it would, I imagine it would be hard to date like a bird or something. Right.
Because it's like I

Speaker 37 can't do anything.

Speaker 18 Right.

Speaker 20 Yeah, you'd be like, let's go to a movie and the bird would be like, quack.

Speaker 34 And there's another reason you don't want to date the other side.

Speaker 41 I think Republicans are too judgmental.

Speaker 75 I don't really listen to Democrats when they speak. They're the most judgmental.

Speaker 9 They are very open-minded about who they date within their own party.

Speaker 2 My ideal mate would be a tree hugger.

Speaker 41 My ideal mate should have three guns.

Speaker 27 Accepting of gay people.

Speaker 75 Doesn't complain about minimum wage, a smaller, more economical card, an escalade, or a hummer. Open-minded.
Small-town values.

Speaker 27 He'd have like more than one black friend, hopefully.

Speaker 33 What's like a good number of black friends that he would have?

Speaker 27 Eight or nine.

Speaker 56 So an eclectic with like a menagerie of black friends. I'd be very cool with that.

Speaker 6 These guys understand what's truly important in a relationship, unlike Jeannie and Rick.

Speaker 2 We've both been in the hospital with cancer at different times. When someone's coming to visit you and be with you and take care of you, you don't ask what their party registration is.

Speaker 25 Cancer, hospitals, healthcare, Obamacare?

Speaker 7 Why don't you guys argue about that?

Speaker 2 We were trying not to die.

Speaker 15 To show this couple how it's impossible to have a mixed-party marriage today, we set up two of our panelists, one Democrat and one Republican, on a date.

Speaker 57 I grew up in California until I was about 15 and then moved to Arizona.

Speaker 18 Cool. How long have you been in New York?

Speaker 57 I've been here two and a half years now.

Speaker 18 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 47 How about you?

Speaker 27 I've been in New York for two years now.

Speaker 15 It was a catastrophe.

Speaker 38 This couldn't be.

Speaker 37 They were conversing like regular people.

Speaker 70 I really like this place.

Speaker 27 The atmosphere is really nice.

Speaker 57 Yeah, I do like the atmosphere.

Speaker 21 Atmosphere? Atmosphere.

Speaker 78 Hey, do you know how many particles of CO2 were released into the atmosphere in 2014?

Speaker 50 Tell them about it.

Speaker 11 Right.

Speaker 78 You're missing so many opportunities here.

Speaker 49 So many. Okay.

Speaker 15 For our political ecosystem to work, they need to become tribal.

Speaker 70 Do you have any brothers and sisters?

Speaker 57 I have a younger sister.

Speaker 45 Tell them if she's gay, then you support her right to get married.

Speaker 46 But she's not gay.

Speaker 66 It's all right. It's okay to stir the pot.

Speaker 34 I'm just trying to stir the pot.

Speaker 66 I'm trying to get some started.

Speaker 20 In the end, there's only one way to make sure that you agree with your partner on every political point.

Speaker 6 I feel that way too about the Keystone Pipeline.

Speaker 18 That's so funny.

Speaker 9 You're great.

Speaker 17 You're really great.

Speaker 18 Wow.

Speaker 19 It's a match made in heaven.

Speaker 34 Habitat destruction. It's pushed thousands of Earth's plants and animals to the brink of extinction, including one of our most beloved species.

Speaker 76 In China, they were cutting the bamboo forest and they were cutting the habitat of the panda and the panda was going to be extinct. So this is also happening on a different scale with the pubic lice.

Speaker 76 What?

Speaker 76 Pubic lice?

Speaker 73 Sadly, our change in grooming habits are responsible for the pubic louse's decline.

Speaker 33 Dr. Jonathan Zenelman.

Speaker 79 People are getting bikini waxes and are removing genital hair. It's very much like deforestation.

Speaker 34 Just as the expansion of logging operations have demolished much of the world's rainforests, Brazilian wax and burn techniques have threatened the ecosystem of the pubic lice, up to 80% in some regions.

Speaker 13 What's the ideal habitat for pubic lice to thrive?

Speaker 79 Someplace warm, moist, and with some hair floating around.

Speaker 25 So, in order to save the crabs, I should start growing out my own pubic hair.

Speaker 18 Yes.

Speaker 23 Okay, I'm gonna start doing that right now.

Speaker 34 Once my reserve blossoms into a lush sanctuary, I'll be able to breed pubic lice in captivity to release into the wild.

Speaker 44 But where do I even find specimens?

Speaker 34 Dr. Zenelman believes the species is still flourishing in one of America's last pristine ecosystems, the pubic lice paradise known as Baltimore.

Speaker 79 In Baltimore, we haven't seen much decrease. We get a lot of John Waters types.

Speaker 79 You know, people who,

Speaker 2 you know, what's he mean, John Waters types?

Speaker 79 You know, you may have seen types of folks you may have seen, uh, you know, in some of the John Waters movies, you know, who, you know.

Speaker 34 But even critically acclaimed filmmakers understand that the pubic louse is becoming a relic of a bygone era.

Speaker 80 20, 30 years ago, everybody had crabs. I don't hear about any young person getting crabs today.

Speaker 80 It's over.

Speaker 23 You make it sound so cool.

Speaker 80 Even romantic.

Speaker 33 Is it romantic?

Speaker 81 To some, yeah.

Speaker 80 Because you shared something with your partner. And it wasn't fatal.

Speaker 34 If even the crab capital Baltimore doesn't have pubic lice, where on earth could we find them?

Speaker 76 I went to the American Museum of Natural History to check the collection of pubic lice they have. They have nothing.

Speaker 21 What?

Speaker 76 Not a single specimen.

Speaker 15 It was up to us, so I took Kays to the last refuge where sexually active, poorly groomed individuals roam free, Brooklyn.

Speaker 13 Everywhere we looked, we saw a vast array of vegetation.

Speaker 34 The natives of Williamsburg, untouched by first-world grooming habits, appeared to be ripe ecosystems for pubic lice to thrive.

Speaker 76 Can you help me find specimens of pubic lice for me? I'm new in town.

Speaker 31 Okay, see that right there?

Speaker 25 That was weird.

Speaker 25 We gotta ease into it.

Speaker 25 Ease into it. Thank you.

Speaker 1 Here's your vodka.

Speaker 18 There you go. Thank Thank you.
Hey.

Speaker 18 So, um,

Speaker 1 do you have pubic louse?

Speaker 13 But despite this eco-pioneer's valiant efforts, the fragile pubic louse has all but disappeared from this once-fertile region.

Speaker 13 If we were going to save the species, we'd need to think local but act global.

Speaker 81 Hi, you're probably expecting Sarah McLaughlin, but she doesn't give a shit about pubic lice.

Speaker 70 I'm Amy Mann, and I do.

Speaker 81 Will you be an angel for a homeless pubic louse? Everyday pubic lice are losing their homes and they're crying out for help.

Speaker 81 Call the number on your screen in the next 30 minutes, and you'll receive a beautiful tote bag.

Speaker 81 Your call says I'm here to help. Please call.
Their future depends on it.

Speaker 18 May you fly

Speaker 18 Some comfort

Speaker 18 here.

Speaker 62 This Black Friday, get six months free when you move your WordPress sites to Kinsta. Enjoy faster load times, no stress when traffic spikes, and hosting you can actually count on.

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That's k-in-st-a.com/slash bf. Don't miss out, offer ends December 2nd.

Speaker 34 Black Friday is just around the corner, and it seems like everyone on television has tips for shoppers.

Speaker 55 Deals are in the back.

Speaker 43 Prioritize by price.

Speaker 82 Don't buy toys. Don't turn right.

Speaker 67 And most importantly, don't be black.

Speaker 82 Two black shoppers in just one week are accusing the department store of wrongful detainment.

Speaker 14 He was racially profiled in Macy's Harold Square.

Speaker 10 She used her tax rebate money to buy this bag at Barney's and was then stopped by the cops.

Speaker 34 It is hard to take advantage of all the Black Friday steals when you're being accused of stealing.

Speaker 63 When I left the store three blocks away from the store, four undercover cops told me that they would like to see what I purchased.

Speaker 23 And what did your white friend say?

Speaker 63 My white friend.

Speaker 7 Everybody knows you're supposed to bring your white friend with you when you go shopping at a place like that.

Speaker 63 I should have next time I know to bring my white friend.

Speaker 18 Oh,

Speaker 15 so the problem isn't racial profiling in stores, it's that black people have forgotten how to shop.

Speaker 41 When they finally came up to me, I thought they were gonna to help me, and they didn't. They actually asked me to leave.

Speaker 36 Just because you look like a gap model doesn't mean you won't get profiled.

Speaker 70 I went into a store and asked a sales girl if I could see some jeans, and she said they're so expensive. I felt like I was pretty womaned.

Speaker 45 You thought because you're very well put together, now you could just go in and shop anywhere you want without getting racially profiled.

Speaker 67 You do know you're black, right?

Speaker 18 I know.

Speaker 73 Uh-oh, watch out, cops.

Speaker 73 Cops.

Speaker 34 Clearly, it's time to give black Americans my own Black Friday shopping tips.

Speaker 45 Let's start simple.

Speaker 21 When entering a store, alert everyone to your presence.

Speaker 34 Hey, everybody, my name is Jessica Williams, and I intend to buy a pack of gum.

Speaker 67 Reaching into my pocket right now to pull out money, not a gun.

Speaker 21 Permission to approach.

Speaker 45 But upscale stores are the trickiest. To be sure that you don't get arrested, try making friends with security.

Speaker 17 I baked some cookies.

Speaker 36 Can I go shop now?

Speaker 38 Or if that doesn't work, ask a white person to shop for you.

Speaker 42 Do you think you can buy me that watch on the display? You can totally use my credit card.

Speaker 23 All you have to do is sign my name and then just bring me the cookie.

Speaker 70 I really don't feel comfortable doing that.

Speaker 73 Excuse me?

Speaker 32 Excuse me? You look white.

Speaker 31 Can I ask you a favor?

Speaker 18 What?

Speaker 23 Do you think that if I give you $140, you can buy me those sunglasses in the window right there?

Speaker 32 Yeah, sure. Oh, thank you.

Speaker 49 Hey!

Speaker 60 Finally, for a more tangible shopping experience, hire a middle-aged white lady as your personal shopper and equip her with a hidden camera inside a neck brace.

Speaker 67 Now she's ready to go.

Speaker 9 All right, we're in.

Speaker 18 Go left. No, your other left.
Okay, hat.

Speaker 66 Let's try on some hats. Oh my god, would you look at this?

Speaker 31 Put that shit back.

Speaker 34 I'm not feeling it.

Speaker 33 Where are you? Handbags?

Speaker 19 Let's move on, Peggy.

Speaker 9 Oh, look!

Speaker 23 You found my cat.

Speaker 45 Oh, Jess, this is just perfect.

Speaker 23 That's not really my style because my style is not ugly.

Speaker 7 Good call. Boots.

Speaker 33 I am digging those knee highs.

Speaker 73 These would look good in the club.

Speaker 8 Did you just say the club?

Speaker 45 Maybe a little makeup? My friend has more of a darker complexion.

Speaker 12 Like a deep tan.

Speaker 19 I'm black, Peggy. You can say black.

Speaker 60 So that was a bust.

Speaker 35 But thankfully, when all else fails, there is one other way to avoid getting racially profiled.

Speaker 35 Cover your skin.

Speaker 18 Oh, got it.

Speaker 7 States are scrambling to come up with alternatives to the Obamacare Medicaid expansion.

Speaker 19 And Tennessee has a truly innovative way to address the needs of their neediest.

Speaker 83 If you're elderly and very sick, Tennessee wants to help you with your medical bills.

Speaker 16 There's a new 10-care program called Standard Spend Down. It helps people who are poor or even those who make too much money for Medicaid.

Speaker 17 Here's how it works.

Speaker 16 You're going to have to call a hotline and it will close as soon as they've taken information from 2,500 people. But be warned, it is the same number.

Speaker 16 Thousands of other people will be calling at the same time.

Speaker 67 Yep, it's a health care lottery.

Speaker 8 Give it up for the Tennessee standards spend down.

Speaker 7 Rather than accept federal money to cover 330,000 uninsured, they award health care to only the first 2,500 callers.

Speaker 7 It's like calling the morning zoo for Rihanna tickets, except if you don't win, your diabetes goes untreated.

Speaker 19 Game of Chance enthusiast Gina Luther loves it.

Speaker 84 What idiot come up with that idea?

Speaker 77 It's playing with people's lives like you were playing a slot machine.

Speaker 7 You don't like slot machines?

Speaker 84 I love slot machines, but I don't like Russian Russian roulette.

Speaker 7 Sounds like somebody wasn't dialing fast enough.

Speaker 84 No, I just wasn't able to call. I was actually in the hospital having surgery.

Speaker 34 You snooze, you lose, Gina.

Speaker 84 Well, I know that, and I don't know why in this world that that anesthesiologist didn't wake me up.

Speaker 7 Clearly, Gina's just a sore loser.

Speaker 19 Conservative strategist Matt Kibbe explains why the state is doing the right thing.

Speaker 25 I've been talking to some folks in Tennessee.

Speaker 34 They'd be eligible for Medicaid expansion, but they're not big fans of Tennessee rejecting it.

Speaker 25 What would you say to them?

Speaker 46 I think they need to understand that Tennessee can't be everything to everybody. They have to make the budget balance.
That's just the way it is.

Speaker 19 You see, Gina, the state budget must be saved from the Medicaid expansion that doesn't affect the state budget.

Speaker 17 I bet one of the lucky 2,500 winners will be more appreciative.

Speaker 50 Congratulations, Jerry!

Speaker 8 You just won the Tennessee Healthcare Lottery.

Speaker 67 You persevered, you called a million times, and now you finally got health insurance.

Speaker 18 Uh, no.

Speaker 36 No?

Speaker 85 Well, they send you application first, you fill the application out, then you send it back in, then you wait.

Speaker 85 Then,

Speaker 28 uh,

Speaker 85 it takes

Speaker 85 90 days to six months to get, you know, before you know anything.

Speaker 6 Well, if you say it like that, it doesn't sound so great.

Speaker 20 But what about like this?

Speaker 85 Well, they send you application first, you fill the application out, then you send it back in, then you wait.

Speaker 7 Okay, so healthcare lottery winners don't actually win healthcare, but they do win a mountain of paperwork and six months of suspense.

Speaker 31 Do you have any foreign bank assets or accounts overseas? Nope.

Speaker 9 And if you think that's fed up, hold on. There's more.

Speaker 86 Many winners lose coverage after a year. The healthcare lottery has 3,500 winner slots, but only 1,000 are awarded in any time.
Why? Who knows?

Speaker 86 The healthcare lottery reserves the right to erroneously announce the contest is over before any calls are received. Yes, this actually happened.

Speaker 18 There you have it.

Speaker 34 A solid alternative to Obamacare.

Speaker 7 Because Tennessee conservatives know you can't do everything for everybody.

Speaker 37 And sometimes that means doing nothing for the people who need it most.

Speaker 8 So keep dialing, Tennessee.

Speaker 87 Explore more shows from the Daily Show Podcast Universe by searching The Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts.

Speaker 87 Watch The Daily Show weeknights at 1110 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Fairmount Plus.

Speaker 5 This has been a Comedy Central podcast.

Speaker 12 It's never too early for Lowe's Black Friday deals. Snag some of our biggest savings of the season right now, like 25% off select pre-lit artificial Christmas trees.

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Speaker 18 Lowe's, we help.

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