TDS Time Machine | Back to School

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You're listening to Comedy Central.

It's autumn, which means for millions of children across America, it's back to school time.

But what about professional news people like me?

Is there a school where I can brush up on my newsman skills?

How could I keep my edge?

By the learn-by-doing hands-on training that has placed thousands from coast to coast, Connecticut Schools of Broadcasting.

Yes, the Connecticut School of Broadcasting.

Thanks, Bob.

Conveniently located in the media capital of the world, Farmington, Connecticut.

It's a place where fresh-faced kids and me come to learn the basics of reporting like how to read.

Back up and deliver and read it.

And how to hold paper.

See, this hand right here can move and move copy to the side.

I knew who I wanted for my faculty advisor.

I met with Miss Brantley in her office to discuss some of the basics of reporting.

Probably the most important thing to keep in mind is pay attention.

Listen to what the person is saying.

What about listening?

Is that important?

It's probably the most important thing.

What is?

Listening is probably the most important thing.

And most importantly, she taught me a valuable lesson in journalistic detachment.

Is it okay for a reporter to get a little tender?

I think so.

Well, how personal could he get?

Pretty personal.

Pretty personal.

I mean, there are limits.

Right.

What if it got

really personal?

Pretty much the interview would be over.

Well,

it's good that they don't do that then.

One last question.

Is listening important?

But school wasn't all fun and games.

Midterms could get pretty stressful for these newcomers.

The mob is estimated at between 40 and 50 people, including what appears to be at least one priest.

Nice try, kids.

Good afternoon.

Stephen, would you like to give it a try?

I thought I'd give the kids a thrill and show them how an old network pro lays one down.

Okay, just take it a look, look at it before you start.

Got it.

Yep.

You all right?

You're clear on that?

Got it.

Okay.

Look it over before you start it.

Don't rush.

All right.

All right.

The mob is estimated to be between 40 and 50 people.

The mob is estimated to be between 40 and people.

The mob is estimated to be between 40 and 50 people, including up here as a priest.

I want to come home, John.

They hate it here.

But failure is one course they don't teach at Old CSB.

I struggled back from the brink of defeat.

You see, I had something to prove

to myself.

The mob is estimated at between 40 and 50 people, including what appears to be at least one priest.

Then it was time to say goodbye to my old school chums.

While I'm not sure what I learned at the Connecticut School of Broadcasting, there is one thing I know for sure.

They cashed my check.

Folks, as the economy continues to struggle and the Middle East continues to burn, there was big news yesterday out of Washington.

A big day for the Obama girls, their first day at a new school.

Today is their first day of classes.

First day of school in a new place.

The Obama girls are heading to a brand new school in Washington, D.C.

By the way, those SUVs whizzing by had the girls going to school.

Sasha did have her nose pressed a bit wistfully against the glass.

The first day at school is stressful.

I don't think that's first day of school stress.

That's, mommy, there are so many cameras.

Am I integrating this school?

And for God's sakes, James Meredith didn't have that many cameras when he went to the old miss.

Ask your parents.

Now, obviously, this is nothing new.

32 years ago, there was widespread coverage of little Amy Carter's first day of school.

when the media discovered that you shouldn't poke children with giant metal sticks.

Look, get her, she's getting away!

Get her!

Get her!

Although in her case it was necessary.

You remember Amy Carter?

She was a great kid but could bite a man's arm out.

She had the metal spiky teeth.

But of course the lessons from Carter's time still hold sway.

As far as we're concerned, unless there is a compelling editorial reason, that's the last you'll see of Amy Carter at school on this program.

Well done, and that's pretty much the way we all feel about the Obama daughters.

Thank you, Brian Williams, for showing some restraint.

A courtesy from the NBC family, the Obama family.

But of course, in all families, there is the douchey uncle.

It is NBC.

The Obama kids have just now left the Hay Adams Hotel a short time ago on the way here to the school.

Michelle Obama escorted her children to their new school this morning.

That's Sasha back there with a backpack on.

Just like most kids going to school, the backpack way too big for those little bodies.

They're probably talking about, you know, in the cafeteria, do you like Miley Cyrus, Jonas Brothers, that blue stuffed animal keychain hanging off her backpack?

It's an ugly doll.

An ugly doll.

That seems like an odd name.

I'm not sure why you'd call it an ugly doll.

Oh my god!

Oh!

Yes, apparently the MS in MSNBC stands for All Malia and Sasha.

Come on, what's the news value in learning about Sasha's doll?

First kids have long been trendsetters when it comes to toys and other assorted items.

When Caroline Kennedy was living in the White House in the 1960s, she had a collection of 75 dolls and puppets.

And then there was the year 1862.

And little Willie Lincoln got all America started on the hot new craze dying of typhoid fever

but even MSNBC has to have its limits that's true more ours don't they check out what they're serving for lunch today Malia at the upper school can offer tomato basil soup nice various salads Philly cheesesteaks right on

All right, I guess that's a little excessive, but I guess you can excuse a one-day glimpse at the kids' menu.

Tomorrow's menu, a decidedly Mexican flair with nachos, fajitas, tortillas, fiesta rice.

Oh, Betty and Veronica, you disappoint me.

I wonder how Betty's hot mom and jughead handled the Malia and Sasha coverage.

I'm not so sure I'm comfortable with what we just did.

With the air.

I've got to say that.

While they're out there, we need to just back off.

I'm very upset about it personally.

If I were Barack Obama, the mother,

I would be horrified.

Then do something.

Guess what?

Your morning Joe.

It's your show, dude.

For more on the conflicted and...

media-intense firestorm, we go out to Wyatt Sinek.

Wyatt?

Yeah, John.

I am so tired tired of these so-called reporters intruding into these little girls' lives, making their every move a living nightmare, and then giving us nothing.

They came in a car, they got there at eight, the little one has a backpack.

If you're gonna sell out every principle you have as a reporter and a human being, give me something I can taste.

Who are the crushes?

Who are their BFFs?

Which Twilight Book are they on?

How do you find something like that out?

You go undercover, 21 Jump Street style.

So

you're...

Parker Van Camp, Sidwell, fifth grader in the house!

Party in my place this weekend.

And the beard?

You mean my mole?

Wyatt, I'm not sure the information that you're looking for is worth the massive deception that you're perpetrating.

I totally agree, John.

Yes, Samantha B.

In the Sidwell Friends Lunch Room.

And if you want the real scoop.

Haha, I see.

So you actually got a job as a lunch lady to spy on these children.

Well, as far as Sidwell knows, I'm not a member of the media.

I have committed zero felonies, and I wash my hands every time I use the bathroom.

Eat suckers.

I feel feel very uncomfortable about this.

I don't know if this is something that I can...

Good for you, John.

Well said, because I share your reluctance.

John Oliver, that...

John Oliver!

Where are you?

Where am I?

Malia's locker, John,

where for the past 30 minutes I have rifled through all of her private belongings.

And how do you feel about that, John?

I don't really know, John.

I've lost the capacity to feel.

what did you find?

Well interestingly a hash pipe and an ugly doll with a bag of black tar heroin stuffed in his head

really

no not really she's a child

I did find a Jonas Brothers trapper keeper some bobblegum flavoured lip gloss and I think some kind of high-end all-weather jacket.

But the point is

I might have found something and isn't that reason enough for me to be here

pretending to be conflicted this is john oliver

acting horrified about my life choices this is samantha b

waiting for jon stewart to sign my permission slip so i can go to the zoo this park advanced camp fifth grade great work everybody great terrible work look if you're still buying weed from some guy named trevor in a parking lot you're doing it wrong mood.com delivers legal THC products straight to your door.

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You know, politics is a cynical business, but there's one place where the ideals of democracy are still pure.

Middle school elections.

We set out to ruin that.

By sending John Oliver and a documentary crew to take over an eighth-grade student council election, I present to you part one of our new three-part series, The Strategist.

Woodcliffe Middle School was in full campaign mode as two very different candidates ran for class president.

My name is Kyle Perlman.

I'm Lauren.

I'm 13.

I'm in 8th grade.

And I'm running for student council president.

Strategist John Oliver's first task was picking which candidate to work with.

For some advice on how to make his choice, he turned to grizzled 25-year campaign consultant Mark O'Hara.

Most consultants, they're concerned about two things and two things only.

Winning the campaign and making sure they get paid.

Oh, that's great.

It's It's simple.

That makes my job a whole lot easier.

Lauren, why do you want to be president?

Well, I really want to focus on like anti-bullying, so like it just is completely eliminated from the school.

Uh,

just

bragging rights.

Would you describe yourself as a popular person?

Not exactly.

Yeah, I would.

If you were an animal, Lauren, what animal would you be?

A cat.

I would probably be

a shark.

Good answer.

What kind of shark?

A great white.

Great answer.

Congratulations, you got yourself a campaign manager.

Great.

Hey, Lauren, get out.

Get out!

It was a perfect match.

Shut the door behind you.

We are going to crush her.

Crush her.

The team went straight to work in a purpose-built war room.

Hey, Kyle, you know why I like you?

Why?

Because part of you frightens me, and that's a good thing.

Thanks.

With a professional strategist pulling the strings for Kyle, sweet, idealistic young Lauren didn't seem to stand a chance until

a rival campaign manager showed up.

With these two hardened operatives set against each other, things were about to get nasty.

But where should they begin?

We do oppositional research on ourselves so that that at least we know in advance what's likely to be coming from the other side.

All right, let's pull up your Facebook page here.

What's your password?

Poppy's123.

Of course it is.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what's that?

What's that?

Oh, not looking forward to the next Twilight movie.

Why would you write that?

Oh, I saw the...

part one of the movie and it was awful.

You can't have an opinion on that kind of stuff.

Who's that?

My aunt.

Get rid of her.

Who's that?

Family friend.

Get rid of her.

Who's that?

That's Kyle.

The kid you're running against?

You can't be friends with him.

Okay.

Alright.

Okay, so let me ask you again.

Hey, Kyle, have you seen Twilight?

Yeah, I have.

What do you think of it?

It's great.

See?

See how easy that was?

Yeah.

All you had to do was sacrifice something that you fundamentally believed passionately in.

With vetting complete, the campaigns needed to decide where to place their focus.

Which is more important, image or the content of your message?

Image, absolutely.

You know, it's not uncommon for a consultant to buy a whole new wardrobe for a candidate, for a consultant to get a candidate a different haircut.

Okay, we can do that.

You better work.

Can you do kind of conservative but not too conservative?

Wealthy but not elitist.

Shoot for mine!

That feels weird.

You look great.

There were just 12 days until the most important vote of their 12-year-old lives.

Coming up tomorrow on The Strategists, the campaign intensifies.

You listen to me, you.

I will

down your

You understand me?

Previously on The Strategists, John and Jason each took an eighth-grade presidential candidate and provided them with a modern political campaign.

As the frantic first few days of the campaign drew to a close, there were some minor administrative issues to resolve.

We've got bills here coming in: clothes, pollsters, my salary, general expenses.

You know, but it does come to $5,105.67.

Well, it's simple.

What's the war chest?

Sorry?

War chest?

Money.

What funds do we got?

Um,

I don't have any.

You've no money?

No.

Hey, Colt, do you mind just putting your hands over your ears for a second?

Yeah, sure.

Yeah, just really tight.

There was no money.

And as 25-year campaign veteran Mark O'Hara knows, that is a problem.

If you're very, very good at raising money, you don't really have to be very good at anything else.

And if you can't raise money, you're fed.

So Jason and Lauren immediately hit the phones to cold call loved ones and bleed them dry.

Hello.

Mom, it's Lauren.

Hi, Lauren.

What's going on, sweetie?

We're trying to fundraise for the campaign.

Okay, stop it ahead.

So, we were wondering if we could have a thousand dollars.

A thousand dollars?

What are you gonna use a thousand dollars for?

Um, to win.

No,

you have it wrong.

You can't buy a campaign, you have to win on your own.

Quit being so naive.

Uh, we gotta go.

All right, bye.

Meanwhile, across town, Kyle was about to entertain his top donors at a private fundraiser.

Okay, we got 15 of your key donors out there.

This is important.

$5.99 a plate.

So, let's go over what we learned.

One, start off with a joke.

Good.

Two.

Give them some red meat.

Exactly.

And three, don't say.

Let's go get us plate.

Thank you all for being here.

If I go to any more of these fundraisers, I'm going to get fat.

The fundraiser was a huge success, but there's always a danger in your candidate becoming too comfortable.

So look, 47% of this school is not going to vote for me.

They're layman dweebs, and they're addicted to being dweebs.

They don't have a no worries on that.

Have you seen this thing?

400 hits already.

It's blowing up.

We're not using that.

Probably didn't mean anything of it.

I mean...

Okay.

Okay.

Stay positive.

Girls, have you seen this?

Look at Kyle.

He's calling you all dweebs.

My God.

Negative campaigning works, and anybody in my industry who tells you different doesn't know what the f they're talking about.

And thus, the negativity began.

Oh, f.

Oh, f.

The hostility was threatening to spill over, and sadly, it did during an appearance the strategists made on the school's top-rated news program.

Hi, I'm Nina with WCMS News, here with John Oliver and Jason Jones, campaign strategists.

Hi, Jason.

How's the campaign going?

Well, Nina, first of all, thank you so much for having me.

Nina, can I just jump in for a second?

Because the toxic tone of this campaign has been a disgrace so far, and I don't know.

My good friend is clearly

that you

have been waging.

And I've used the word waging.

And this is the case.

Because school deserves better.

Democracy deserves better.

Kyle Perlman is a unified candidate.

Kyle Perlman?

What is happening?

Let me tell you what Kyle Perman is doing.

Kyle disgrace.

I'm sorry, Marma.

Not engaging in the discussion

of the tone of this campaign so far.

Well, that's all we have time for today.

Thanks for watching.

Thank you for coming.

Next time on The Strategists, the attacks get personal.

Laura.

Guess what I found?

Boom.

How do you allow yourself to get photographed naked in a bathtub?

I was a baby.

Previously on The Strategists, Jason and John brought modern political tactics to an eighth-grade grade student council election and were immediately embraced by the children.

So you like your campaign guy?

Not really.

It's kind of mean.

Now with the campaign entering its final days, the presidential debate was approaching.

And as 25-year campaign strategist Mark O'Hara knows, you have to be prepared.

Debate is the most formal setting for a candidate's image to be sort of fully realized.

And so you practice everything.

We even focus group individual words.

We find out what words they like and then we find ways to repeat them in meaningful, catchy phrases so that they'll stick with them when they go into the polls.

Honor.

Who likes it?

Honor.

Leadership.

Nachos.

Yeah, what word are we going to use?

Nachos.

How often are we going to use that word?

All the time.

That's right.

So describe the school using a nacho metaphor.

Uh, nachos.

The school is like nacho cheese.

It's warm, nourishing, and you can't get enough of it.

I love it.

As the Perlman campaign seized the momentum, Jason desperately searched for a celebrity to give the Zablo campaign a boost.

I need a big-time actor.

Robert Downey Jr., Christian Bale, any superhero would be great.

Oh, really?

You think you'd do it?

But time was running out because, with debate afternoon finally here, for the candidates, it was game time.

It is with great pleasure that I introduce Kyle Perlman and Lauren Zablo.

My name is Lauren Zablo and I am

and I am running to be your student council president.

I've been in student council since sixth grade so I will make every effort to fix what I've been doing.

While Lauren went with substance, the Perlman camp took a different approach.

Hello my fellow Americans.

I'm sorry to see I'm the only one wearing a flagpoint today.

And well I'm sorry to see that I'm the only one wearing a flag pin today.

Yes!

Now selection, we all know, is pretty much a popularity contest.

Use the word nachos in the next sentence.

For example, you could say nachos are popular.

Say God bless America.

God bless America.

Nachos.

Nachos.

With his back to the wall, it is time for Jason to deploy his celebrity endorsement.

Who here's a fan of Batman?

And what about Iron Man?

Well, how about the Phantom?

Ladies and gentlemen, Billy Zay!

Billy Zay, the Phantom!

This is the most important election of your lifetime, and that is why I am throwing my full support

behind Lauren Zablow, the Woodcliffe Middle School class president.

But an October surprise can quickly turn into an October nightmare.

So, uh,

Kyle,

you want me to say what to Lauren?

I can't say that.

She's she's only 13 years old.

I mean, it's over your head.

Everything's over your head.

You're four foot two.

You get your dad to come down here, and I'll kick his fingers.

Listen, whoa, whoa, really?

Billy Zayn, everybody!

Billy Zayn!

With the debate over, it was time for the children to vote and for the strategists to get instant feedback from exit polls.

12 days of campaigning, thousands of dollars unnecessarily spent, all led up to this one moment.

Good afternoon, Woodcliffe Lake students and faculty.

I am proud to make the announcements for the winning student council representatives for your 2012 Woodcliffe Lake Middle School president, Kyle Proman.

Thank you, Darren.

Yeah, I figured.

Hey, Billy, what do you think about a third-grade race in Akron, Ohio?

Chucker.

And with that, John Jason and Billy Zane were gone.

Because as any strategist knows, winning is everything.

Cleaning up the mess is someone else's problem.

Boy back, Kyle Perlman, Lauren Zablo.

Nicely done, guys.

Very nicely done.

First of all, I just want to thank you guys for participating.

You guys were great sports, and it was really a wonderful exercise.

I want to ask what you felt like it was like to work with Jason and John and the kind of...

That was great.

He did great.

He was really great.

Yeah.

Kyle,

what plans do you have now that you're in office?

Actually, Kyle, I'll jump in and take this.

John, for a start, it's President Pearlman to you.

Respect the fing office.

And President Perlman is not taking questions at this time, okay?

You know what?

Let me just take care of this real quick after that display.

Just you might want to sign those guys.

These are just releases that in any way indemnify the show of physical or emotional damage that were inflicted on you or the school.

And it's just a pledge to never tell your parents that ever this happened.

Okay,

thank you both very much.

Kyle Perlman, Lauren Lauren Zablo, everybody.

We'll be right back.

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Now kids, obviously, you've heard about the tensions in Syria, Iran, throughout the Middle East, but there is a battle brewing much closer to home.

Tonight, the food fight sweeping school cafeterias nationwide.

Students who say healthy lunches now mandated under federal guidelines are leaving them hungry.

News flash!

Extree, extra.

Children think school lunches suck!

We now go out to our own Captain Obvious, who has been following this story

since schools began serving lunch.

All right, what's the problem?

Smaller portions, fewer calories, less meat and cheese, and more fruits and vegetables.

Some kids are complaining that their lunch doesn't fill them up.

The new rules limit elementary schoolers to 650 calories, 700 calories for middle schoolers, and 850 for high schoolers.

Extree, extree.

School lunches suck,

and the portions are too small.

So you hate the food and you want more of it.

But I guess, look, if the government is actually policing students and restricting their caloric intake That does seem a bit draconian despite calorie limits students can always get seconds of fruits and vegetables.

No sure

Fruits and vegetables like that counts as food

You know what we called fruits and vegetables in my school nerd grenades

and I should know because

I got hit by a lot of nerd grenades.

I thought my nickname was incoming.

It was just like, ha!

All right, sure.

This is only for lunches that are subsidized by the government.

And sure, you're allowed unlimited fruits and vegetables, but a third of our kids are overweight or obese.

And if this keeps up from the government, we are never getting getting that above 50%.

I'm still not clear on why they're hungry.

At some schools, the amount of food thrown out in cafeterias is shocking.

Kids are now throwing away twice as much food as last year.

Now, I am obviously not a nutritionist or an educator, but I think if these kids are hungry, I guess my solution

would be eat your mother lunch

you know who's not hungry your old pal Remy out in the dumpster

because you gave him your lunch

so the USDA which has been setting guidelines for subsidized school lunches for the past oh I don't know 70 years

has in trying to curb what everybody agrees is a childhood obesity problem, changed last year's school lunch menu from cheese pizza, canned pineapple, tater tots, and low-fat chocolate milk into whole wheat cheese pizza, baked sweet potato fries, applesauce, and low-fat milk.

Why is this news?

New guidelines thanks to Michelle Obama.

Michelle Obama's school lunch calorie limits.

Michelle Obama's nutritional school lunches.

Oh man.

Oh, right.

That's right, because this isn't really about food or kids.

It's about big government uber nanny, Michelle Obama, who if she said we need clean air, half the country would demand gills because freedom!

Listen to the complaint.

The USDA shouldn't be deciding how many calories we take or how many calories we expend during the day.

At some point,

personal responsibility.

That's what I'm talking about.

He's America, Jack.

Just because Uncle Sam's buying me lunch doesn't mean he can tell me what to eat.

By the way, how do you feel about food stamps?

The issue is, should you be able to use, should you be allowed to use an ABT card, a food stamp card at a McDonald's?

I'd rather have my tax dollar going to a family buying stuff at Costco and bulking.

I'm going to go to McDonald's.

Right, because this is America, Jack.

If Uncle Sam's paying for the meal, Uncle Sam gets to tell you where to eat.

Oh,

I just forgot.

I don't make any sense.

The story actually came to light because kind of a funny parody music video made by some high school students that even included some much younger students singing along in Kansas, where they decried the new federal guidelines and even burned the legislation.

Kids taking a strong political stand.

Pretty sophisticated stuff.

The parody song was actually written by an English teacher at the school.

Oh, a teacher wrote a song that the children, including what appear to be elementary school kids, performed against the government.

I wonder how Fox is going to take this.

I don't mean they're pundits.

I mean they're news people.

Cafeteria Revolt, the new school lunch program that has left students starving.

In Kansas, some kids and a teacher came up with a parody, a video turning the song We Are Young into We Are Hungry.

I am told that if people don't like their vegetables, you just serve it to them day after day after day, and some people believe that that will make them love their vegetables.

It's all just good fun.

It's just a funny little video, a parody video of little kids in school singing.

You know, it reminds me of that video of kids singing a song about Barack Obama just after he was inaugurated.

We are trying to get some answers about a video that is getting attention on the Drudge Report website this morning.

It shows young children singing the praises, quite literally, of the president.

You know, many parents would have no problem with this.

Many parents would, and just don't want this sort of

political cheerleading, if you will, in the classroom.

Hmm.

The tone seems different in those two stories.

So kids singing a song criticizing the administration.

We'll show it to you.

It's his money.

Kids singing a song praising the administration.

We'll show it to you.

It's very disturbing.

So how divided are we as a nation?

Well, we have two types of diabetes in this country, and if Obama is against them, well, America's number one news network is for one of them.

President Trump believes in a lot of things.

The Electoral College, Twitter, and of course, junk food.

He loves junk food so much, he has now changed how American kids eat.

Roy Wood Jr.

has more.

Back in 2010, Michelle Obama took her biceps in broccoli and did something unforgivable.

I am thrilled to be here with all of you today as my husband signs the Healthy, Hunger-Free Kids Act into law.

This act changed the guidelines for school lunches, forcing innocent children to eat more nutritious meals.

And they were not happy.

Angry students are tweeting out cell phone snaps of their school lunches.

Hashtag thanks Michelle Obama.

Thankfully the Trump administration has finally done something right.

They're making school lunches crazy again.

If you gonna finish that play let me get on this.

A bunch of kids talked to me about how they didn't like their school meals anymore and we can make school lunches great again.

Which means things like flavored chocolate milk will be back on the menu.

That's right.

In a bizarre twist, Trump is for once the hero.

His administration changed nutritious back to delicious, and all is right with the world again.

But there's one flavor hater trying to roll back the rollbacks.

Meet Margot Wutan, the vice president for nutrition at the Center for Science in the Public Interest.

She's also worked with the Obamas on the Healthy Hunger-Free Kids app.

Explain yourself, Margo.

Why are you taking good food away from the kids?

We give kids choices.

But all those choices need to be healthy.

Then that's not a choice.

If a dude came up to me and said, hey, do you want to be punched in the face or kicked in the face?

I would say, I do not like either of those choices.

Food can be delicious and still be healthy.

Just come over to my house for dinner.

I'll show you.

I've seen get out.

When I was a kid, we had perfectly healthy school lunches like this, and I turned out fine.

So what exactly are they changing in the menu?

Switching from fatty meats to leaner proteins, taking out the saturated fat, the trans, and bringing down the salt levels to salt.

You are a monster!

It's not what you do to kids!

The food is supposed to be tasty and terrible, and it's supposed to make you fall asleep in Miss Ormond's biology class in fifth period.

Actually, it's supposed to help you learn, not make them fall asleep.

Why would you do that?

What's next?

You're going to take recess away?

We love recess.

Why don't you take away playing cards in the bathroom for $5 a hand?

This is outrageous.

What has Obama's school lunch ever done for anybody?

Childhood obesity will decrease by 2 million kids and will save $800 million in health care costs.

That don't even sound like real numbers.

Where'd you get that data?

From Harvard.

A dude named Harvard?

Harvard School of Public Health, Harvard University.

Harvard, Harvard.

Okay.

Okay, my bad was just I know a dude named Harvard.

He be lying sometimes.

And Margot was just getting started.

Three-quarters of the kids who get the school lunch come from low-income families and their kids really rely on these meals as an important source of nutrition.

Okay, that's bad.

But how much nutrition are they actually losing?

So we have two school lunches.

We have a whole grain bun versus a white flower bun, but we have carrots here and we have salty French fries here because Trump is letting in more salt than was supposed to be.

Ain't nothing wrong with a couple fries.

They potatoes, they grow in the ground just like a damn carrot.

More salt in kids' diets means higher blood pressure in childhood, which leads to hypertension, stroke, heart disease, heart attacks.

This really can have a big impact on children's long-term health.

Somebody's got to go save the kids.

If the government is going to keep putting politics before kids' health, then it's up to me to infiltrate every school cafeteria and change their eating habits.

Listen up, you nuggets!

I've been watching you kids secretly.

Not watching you like that.

Like watching you eat.

I've been watching your diet.

I've been watching your diet.

And I don't like what I've been seeing.

So I am here to change your lives.

Oh, hell no.

Oh, hell no.

These kids were out of control.

Looks like it's time for them to meet Sergeant Tuffler.

Are you crazy?

You know how many calories is in that slice of pizza?

You don't know.

You don't know nothing.

Look at me when I'm talking to you.

Don't look at me.

I think you know everything about about nutrition

don't nutrition these kids need to be whipped into shape

applesauce no good food goes to waste on my watch this is for your own good

now everybody come over here and get an applesauce and a carrot dip the carrot in the applesauce these kids were in a food coma it was time to wake them up

All right, listen up everybody.

I know hamburgers taste good.

And pizza and baconators from Wendy's with extra cheese.

I want one right now.

That's not the point.

The point is this administration is feeding us junk food to keep us lazy, fat, and complacent so that they can get away with whatever they want.

So it's time that we show the government.

We will not go quietly into that tub of butter.

Nutrition now, nutrition tomorrow, nutrition forever.

Now who's with me?

Take a fire!

Take a five!

Take a take a five!

If throwing their junk food at me kept them from eating it, then I've done my job.

This sugar cut.

I believe it was Solchenitsyn who once said, I believe the children are our future.

Teach them well and let them lead the way.

Or somebody said that.

But what should we teach them and where should we lead them?

Our own Asif Manby investigates.

Young people today are under enormous pressure, and it's easier than ever for them to slip off the rails.

In the 70s, the Scared Straight program tried to save troubled teens by putting them face to face with hardened criminals.

Today's at-risk youth need a new Scared Straight.

I have one person that I want you to meet.

This guy is gonna melt your brain.

TJ, get in here!

Hey, how you doing?

Okay, he may not look scary, but wait until you hear his story.

I screwed my life up going to college.

A private institution, didn't research, didn't think when I took loans out.

I owe $170,000.

That's a lot of money.

Yes, TJ was here to scare kids who were at risk of a college education.

Costs are up over a thousand percent in the last 30 years.

Student debt is at an all-time high, and job prospects are dismal.

Career advisor Marty Nemco.

For many more people than in decades past, college is the wrong choice.

Those who are average students in high school, who went into college, they end up doing jobs that they could have done straight out of high school, like selling extended warranties, or they are bartenders.

Wow, I always assumed that they had a bartending major.

I think that's called English literature.

Yeah,

English Litzlab.

Nice!

Woo!

So had our panel given these issues any thought?

What are you going to measure in?

History.

I think sociology.

Journalism.

Wow.

Do you have a time machine?

Because you're going to need one to go back in time to when people get about journalism degrees.

Looks like these kids need a TJ to put the fear of school in them.

I graduated with a degree in illustration.

I don't even do it.

I don't do art at all.

$170,000.

That's a house.

Illustration is an economically useless degree.

I'll be dead before these loans are paid off.

Just don't make the mistakes I did.

Mission accomplished.

What did you feel like you got out of that?

It's clear I shouldn't do anything with illustration.

That seems like a bad life choice.

That's your takeaway from it.

You're getting a photography degree.

Two different things, right?

Idiots.

Maybe what these kids need is some professional help.

Look right into that camera.

What advice would you give to a teenager who's thinking about going to college right now?

Think three times.

Give equal value to apprenticeships, to taking a break from school.

I'm sorry, can you jazz it up a little bit when you're talking to teenagers?

Hey, dude, you know, the college thing, eh, there's something up with that.

But is that the whole deal?

I'm not so sure.

You want to check out the options?

Things like, you know, apprenticeships.

There are options, dude, our dudette.

You know, I have to be honest, you're kind of awesome at that.

That's why I do the work I do.

I love it.

Yeah.

This time, mission definitely accomplished.

There are options, dude our dudette.

So,

who's still going to college?

Okay, you know what?

Time to give this job to guys who never went to college.

Guys with real skills.

You Jack, Jay Lover, get in here.

What's up, Einsteins?

Why you smiling?

Get your ass up here.

I'll bite your lips off.

I'm gonna drop a bomb on you.

If you hate going to school, college is a lot like school.

Student loans are like herpes with compound interest.

You make the wrong choice.

You're gonna have to move right home with mama boy.

If you want to be interested at parties, three words, Malcolm f ⁇ ing Gladwealth.

You got a college degree in this hand and toilet paper in this hand.

You can take two f ⁇ ks.

Two f ⁇ .

After two hours of enhanced education techniques, I was hopeful these kids would finally make a smarter choice than going to college.

Maybe now I want to intern at a recording studio or somewhere else where I can get some first-hand experience, hands-on experience.

Nice!

That was all worth it.

To have helped even one young person to stay out of school.

Oh, and one more thing.

Learn Chinese.

Just, it'll help.

There's so much arguing in America today, but we here at the Daily Show think there could be even more.

So to do our part, here's Dulce Sloan with another installment of Prove Me Wrong.

You know, it's a special time of year where the crisp is back in the air.

Your exes are calling you back, and we have sent those ass kids back in that building.

So welcome to Prove Me Wrong, Back to School Edition.

These kids ain't that bright anyway.

Why keep using your tax dollars to teach these little monsters?

Why do you think school should stop at third grade?

What did you learn in the fourth grade that you still use?

Cursive?

Now, how am I going to remember what I learned in the fourth grade?

I don't remember what I wore last week.

That's what I'm saying.

If you can't remember what you learned in the fourth grade, then why did you need to go past the third?

Now that's the valid point.

Because I can't tell you nothing I learned past the third grade.

Mm-hmm.

I want you to prove me wrong.

Popularity in school does matter.

Prove me wrong.

I think when you're showered with attention and cuddled like too early, like all the people like you, it's not good for your development.

Where'd you go to school?

In Germany.

Germany?

Yeah, southern Germany.

So you're saying that you shouldn't be popular because the popular kids end up selling schnitzel or some shit.

Which is not bad for itself, right?

But yeah, I'd say so.

There is no reason to teach spelling anymore.

Prove me wrong!

Spelling is so important.

Sorry, I don't want to be rude, but I mean spelling is like...

You're not being rude.

I said prove me wrong and you walked over here.

I mean, spelling is like

the first thing you learn in school.

We have all of these computers that tell us, hey, the words are spelled wrong.

What about the people who aren't as lucky as us who don't have the technology to have autocorrect?

Maybe they're still writing, I don't know.

Like people around the world.

I haven't lived that life, but I know they exist.

No, I'm only talking about the fools here.

Okay, so this is no reason to teach spelling anymore in the U.S.

Listen, I'm an American.

I don't think about anyone else.

Okay.

Why would I think this extrapolation is?

I'm jealous of you.

I'm jealous.

I wish I could just think about myself.

Attractive people shouldn't be allowed to be teachers.

Prove me wrong!

Well, I think attractiveness is a very subjective thing.

He could be attractive to you and not to me.

There's no way we can, like, say ugly people.

I don't want to play this game.

We know who's ugly.

We do this all the time as people.

It's like, oh, attractiveness is relative.

No, it's not.

I definitely paid more attention in class when I was an attractive teacher.

I agree.

I failed math four times.

You only get to take it four times.

Yeah, I found it all four times.

Yeah, no, I finally passed on the fourth time, actually.

But what about all the other math you had to take?

I think your counting might be still obvious.

Had a hot physics teacher.

Don't know what physics are.

I know biology is bodies.

Chemistry is the chemicals.

What the hell is physics?

Physicals?

I think a hot or not teacher doing physics isn't going to help.

Well, thank you so much.

I think we figured out that hot teachers are a detriment to us all.

Disagree.

Are you a teacher?

Really?

What school is this?

Can I enroll?

See, that's my point.

You can't have hot teachers.

I wouldn't learn shit with him standing in front of me.

Did you see him pecs on that man?

The disrespect.

He should be fired immediately.

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