TDS Time Machine | Back to School

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Speaker 6 You're listening to Comedy Central.

Speaker 7 It's autumn, which means for millions of children across America, it's back to school time. But what about professional news people like me?

Speaker 7 Is there a school where I can brush up on my newsman skills? How could I keep my edge?

Speaker 9 By the learn-by-doing hands-on training that has placed thousands from coast to coast, Connecticut Schools of Broadcasting.

Speaker 11 Yes, the Connecticut School of Broadcasting.

Speaker 12 Thanks, Bob.

Speaker 7 Conveniently located in the media capital of the world, Farmington, Connecticut.

Speaker 7 It's a place where fresh-faced kids and me come to learn the basics of reporting, like how to read.

Speaker 15 Back up and deliver and read it.

Speaker 7 and how to hold paper.

Speaker 16 See, this hand right here can move and move copy to the side.

Speaker 7 I knew who I wanted for my faculty advisor.

Speaker 7 I met with Miss Brantley in her office to discuss some of the basics of reporting.

Speaker 18 Probably the most important thing to keep in mind is pay attention.

Speaker 18 Listen to what the person is saying.

Speaker 7 What about listening?

Speaker 19 Is that important?

Speaker 18 It's probably the most important thing.

Speaker 1 What is?

Speaker 18 Listening probably the most important thing.

Speaker 7 And most importantly, she taught me a valuable lesson in journalistic detachment. Is it okay for a reporter to get a little tender?

Speaker 18 I think so.

Speaker 7 Well, how personal could he get?

Speaker 18 Pretty personal.

Speaker 18 Pretty personal.

Speaker 20 I mean, there are all limits.

Speaker 12 Right.

Speaker 21 What if it got

Speaker 6 really personal?

Speaker 18 Pretty much the interview would be over.

Speaker 18 Well,

Speaker 7 it's good that they don't do that then.

Speaker 22 One last question.

Speaker 7 Is listening important?

Speaker 23 But school wasn't all fun and games.

Speaker 7 Midterms could get pretty stressful for these newcomers.

Speaker 24 The mob is estimated at between 40 and 50 people, including what appears to be at least one priest.

Speaker 26 Nice try, kids. Good afternoon.

Speaker 18 Stephen, would you like to give it a try?

Speaker 7 I thought I'd give the kids a thrill and show them how an old network pro lays one down.

Speaker 1 Okay, just take it a look, look at it before you start.

Speaker 8 Got it.

Speaker 14 You alright? You're clear on that? Got it. Okay.

Speaker 1 Look it over before you start it.

Speaker 8 Don't rush. All right.
All right.

Speaker 7 The mob is estimated to be between 40 and 50 people.

Speaker 7 The mob is estimated to be between 40 and people.

Speaker 7 The mob is estimated to be between 40 and 50 people, including up here as a priest.

Speaker 7 I want to come home, John.

Speaker 8 I hate it here.

Speaker 7 But failure is one course they don't teach at Old CSB.

Speaker 7 I struggled back from the brink of defeat. You see, I had something to prove

Speaker 1 to myself.

Speaker 7 The mob is estimated at between 40 and 50 people, including what appears to be at least one priest.

Speaker 28 Then it was time to say goodbye to my old school chums.

Speaker 7 While I'm not sure what I learned at the Connecticut School of Broadcasting, there is one thing I know for sure.

Speaker 19 They cashed my check.

Speaker 11 Folks, as the economy continues to struggle and the Middle East continues to burn, there was big news yesterday out of Washington.

Speaker 33 A big day for the Obama girls, their first day at a new school.

Speaker 10 Today's their first day of classes.

Speaker 21 First day of school in a new place.

Speaker 31 The Obama girls are heading to a brand new school in Washington, D.C.

Speaker 34 By the way, those SUVs whizzing by had the girls going to school.

Speaker 35 Sasha did have her nose pressed a bit wistfully against the glass.

Speaker 2 The first day at school is stressful.

Speaker 6 I don't think that's the first day of school stress.

Speaker 32 That's, mommy, there are so many cameras. Am I integrating this school?

Speaker 32 For God's sakes, James Meredith didn't have that many cameras when he went to the old miss.

Speaker 19 Ask your parents. Ah.

Speaker 32 Now, obviously, this is nothing new. 32 years ago, there was widespread coverage of little Amy Carter's first day of school.

Speaker 32 It's when the media discovered that you shouldn't poke children with giant metal sticks.

Speaker 6 Look, get her, she's getting away! Get her! Get her!

Speaker 37 Although in her case, it was necessary.

Speaker 6 You remember Amy Carter?

Speaker 37 She was a great kid, but could bite a man's arm off.

Speaker 37 She had the metal spiky teeth.

Speaker 32 But of course, the lessons from Carter's time still hold sway.

Speaker 27 As far as we're concerned, unless there is a compelling editorial reason, that's the last you'll see of Amy Carter at school on this program.

Speaker 35 Well done, and that's pretty much the way we all feel about the Obama daughters.

Speaker 32 Thank you, Brian Williams, for showing some restraint.

Speaker 19 A courtesy from the NBC family, the Obama family.

Speaker 19 But of course, in all families, there is the douchey uncle.

Speaker 31 It is NBC.

Speaker 21 The Obama kids have just now left the Hay Adams Hotel a short time ago on the way here to the school.

Speaker 33 Michelle Obama escorted her children to their new school this morning.

Speaker 31 That's Sasha back there with a backpack on.

Speaker 33 Just like most kids going to school, the backpack way too big for those little bodies.

Speaker 31 They're probably talking about, you know, in the cafeteria, do you like Miley Cyrus, Jonas Brothers, that blue stuffed animal keychain hanging off her backpack? It's an ugly doll.

Speaker 31 An ugly doll.

Speaker 19 That seems like an odd name. I'm not sure why you'd call it an ugly doll.

Speaker 12 Oh my god!

Speaker 12 Oh!

Speaker 40 Yes, apparently the MS in MSNBC stands for All Malia and Sasha.

Speaker 40 Come on, what's the news value in learning about Sasha's doll?

Speaker 31 First kids have long been trendsetters when it comes to toys and other assorted items. When Caroline Kennedy was living in the White House in the 1960s, she had a collection of 75 dolls and puppets.

Speaker 38 And then there was the year 1862.

Speaker 38 And little Willie Lincoln got All America, started on the hot new craze, dying of typhoid fever

Speaker 41 But even MSNBC has to have its limits That's true more don't they check out what they're serving for lunch today Malia at the upper school can offer tomato basil soup nice various salads Philly cheesesteaks right on

Speaker 37 all right I guess that's a little excessive but I guess you can excuse a one-day glimpse at the kids' menu.

Speaker 10 Tomorrow's menu, a decidedly Mexican flair with nachos, fajitas, tortillas, fiesta rice.

Speaker 19 Oh, Betty and Veronica, you disappoint me.

Speaker 19 I wonder how Betty's hot mom and jughead handled the Malia and Sasha coverage.

Speaker 6 I'm not so sure I'm comfortable with what we just did.

Speaker 28 With the air.

Speaker 38 I've got to say that.

Speaker 17 While they're out there, we need to just back off.

Speaker 38 I'm very upset about it personally.

Speaker 27 If I were Barack Obama, the mother,

Speaker 28 I would be horrified.

Speaker 6 Then do something.

Speaker 42 Guess what?

Speaker 45 Your morning Joe.

Speaker 42 It's your show, dude.

Speaker 11 For more on the conflicted and...

Speaker 6 media-intense firestorm, we go out to Wyatt Sinek.

Speaker 28 Wyatt?

Speaker 43 Yeah, John, I am so tired of these so-called reporters intruding into these little girls' lives, making their every move a living nightmare, and then giving us nothing.

Speaker 43 They came in a car, they got there at eight, the little one has a backpack. If you're gonna sell out every principle you have as a reporter and a human being, give me something I can taste.

Speaker 31 Who are the crushes? Who are their BFFs? Which Twilight Book are they on?

Speaker 19 How do you find something like that out?

Speaker 47 You go undercover, 21 Jump Street style.

Speaker 48 So

Speaker 17 you're...

Speaker 33 Parker Van Camp, Sidwell fifth grader in the house!

Speaker 43 Party in my place this weekend.

Speaker 19 And the beard?

Speaker 43 You mean my mole?

Speaker 19 Wyatt, I'm not sure the information that you're looking for is worth the massive deception that you're perpetrating.

Speaker 10 I totally agree, John.

Speaker 38 Yes, Samantha B in the

Speaker 10 Sidwell Friends Lunch Room.

Speaker 10 And if you want the real scoop.

Speaker 46 Haha, I see.

Speaker 38 So you actually got a job as a lunch lady to spy on these children.

Speaker 10 Well, as far as Sidwell knows, I'm not a member of the media. I have committed zero felonies, and I wash my hands every time I use the bathroom.

Speaker 10 Suckers.

Speaker 19 I feel very uncomfortable about this. I don't know if this is something that I can...

Speaker 47 Good for you, John. Well said, because I share your reluctance.

Speaker 11 John Oliver, that...

Speaker 46 John Oliver!

Speaker 46 Where are you?

Speaker 47 Where am I? Malia's locker, John,

Speaker 47 where for the past 30 minutes I have rifled through all of her private belongings.

Speaker 19 And how do you feel about that, John?

Speaker 47 I don't really know, John. I've lost the capacity to feel.

Speaker 19 What did you find?

Speaker 47 Well, interestingly, a hash pipe and an ugly doll with a bag of black tar heroin stuffed in his head.

Speaker 28 Really?

Speaker 47 No, not really. She's a child.

Speaker 47 I did find a Jonas Brothers trapper keeper, some bubblegum flavoured lip gloss, and I think some kind of high-end all-weather jacket. But the point is...

Speaker 47 I might have found something.

Speaker 31 And isn't that reason enough for me to be here?

Speaker 47 Pretending to be conflicted, this is John Oliver.

Speaker 10 Acting horrified about my life choices, this is Samantha B.

Speaker 43 Waiting for Jon Stewart to sign my permission slip so I can go to the zoo.

Speaker 28 This Park of Man Camp!

Speaker 50 It's Granny.

Speaker 37 Great work, everybody.

Speaker 2 Great, terrible work.

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Speaker 2 I developed it, and the blistering rash lasted for weeks. Don't learn the hard way, like I did.
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Speaker 19 You know, politics is a cynical business, but there's one place where the ideals of democracy are still pure. Middle school elections.

Speaker 19 We set out to ruin that. By sending John Oliver and a documentary crew to take over an eighth grade student council election, I present to you part one of our new three-part series, The Strategists.

Speaker 10 Woodcliffe Middle School was in full campaign mode as two very different candidates ran for class president.

Speaker 51 My name is Kyle Perlman.

Speaker 52 I'm Lauren. I'm 13.
I'm in eighth grade.

Speaker 51 And I'm running for student council president.

Speaker 10 Strategist John Oliver's first task was picking which candidate to work with. For some advice on how to make his choice, he turned to grizzled 25-year campaign consultant Mark O'Hara.

Speaker 44 Most consultants, they're concerned about two things and two things only. Winning the campaign and making sure they get paid.

Speaker 5 Oh, that's great.

Speaker 16 It's simple.

Speaker 3 That makes my job a whole lot easier.

Speaker 22 Lauren, why do you want to be president?

Speaker 52 Well, I really want to focus on anti-bullying, so like it just is completely eliminated eliminated from the school.

Speaker 8 Uh

Speaker 53 just

Speaker 51 said bragging rights.

Speaker 3 Would you describe yourself as a popular person?

Speaker 52 Not exactly.

Speaker 42 Yeah, I would.

Speaker 7 If you were an animal, Lauren, what animal would you be?

Speaker 22 A cat.

Speaker 51 I would probably be

Speaker 51 a shark.

Speaker 22 Good answer. What kind of shark?

Speaker 42 A great white.

Speaker 22 Great answer.

Speaker 30 Congratulations, you've got yourself a campaign manager.

Speaker 12 Great. Hey, Lauren, get out.

Speaker 2 out.

Speaker 36 Get out!

Speaker 10 It was a perfect match.

Speaker 23 Shut the door behind you.

Speaker 22 We are going to crush her.

Speaker 30 Crush her.

Speaker 10 The team went straight to work in a purpose-built war room.

Speaker 22 Hey, Kyle, you know why I like you?

Speaker 42 Why?

Speaker 3 Because part of you frightens me, and that's a good thing.

Speaker 54 Thanks.

Speaker 10 With a professional strategist pulling the strings for Kyle, sweet, idealistic young Lauren didn't seem to stand a chance. Until...

Speaker 10 a rival campaign manager showed up.

Speaker 10 With these two hardened operatives set against each other, things were about to get nasty.

Speaker 10 But where should they begin?

Speaker 44 We do oppositional research on ourselves so that at least we know in advance what's likely to be coming from the other side.

Speaker 2 All right, let's pull up your Facebook page here.

Speaker 25 What's your password?

Speaker 52 Poppy's123.

Speaker 42 Of course it is.

Speaker 12 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Speaker 5 What's that? What's that?

Speaker 51 Oh, not looking forward to the next Twilight movie.

Speaker 11 Why would you write that?

Speaker 51 Oh, I saw the part one of the movie and it was awful.

Speaker 5 You can't have an opinion on that kind of stuff.

Speaker 3 Who's that?

Speaker 42 My aunt.

Speaker 1 Get rid of her.

Speaker 2 Who's that? Family friend. Get rid of her.
Who's that?

Speaker 52 That's Kyle.

Speaker 53 The kid you're running against?

Speaker 5 You can't be friends with him. Okay.
Alright.

Speaker 3 Okay, so let me ask you again.

Speaker 33 Hey, Kyle, have you seen Twilight?

Speaker 56 Yeah, I have. What do you think of it?

Speaker 5 It's great.

Speaker 3 See? See how easy that was? Yeah.

Speaker 22 All you had to do was sacrifice something that you fundamentally believe passionately in.

Speaker 10 With vetting complete, the campaigns needed to decide where to place their focus.

Speaker 22 Which is more important, image or the content of your message?

Speaker 44 Image, absolutely. You know, it's not uncommon for a consultant to buy a whole new wardrobe for a candidate, for a consultant to get a candidate a different haircut.

Speaker 5 Okay, we can do that. You better work.

Speaker 23 Can you do kind of conservative but not too conservative?

Speaker 55 Wealthy but not elitist.

Speaker 42 That feels weird.

Speaker 2 You look great.

Speaker 10 There were just 12 days until the most important vote of their 12-year-old lives. Coming up tomorrow on the Strategists, the campaign intensifies.

Speaker 57 You listen to me, you.

Speaker 57 I will

Speaker 57 down your

Speaker 57 You understand me?

Speaker 10 Previously on The Strategists, John and Jason each took an eighth-grade presidential candidate and provided them with a modern political campaign.

Speaker 10 As the frantic first few days of the campaign drew to a close, there were some minor administrative issues to resolve.

Speaker 58 We've got bills here coming in: clothes, pollsters, my salary, general expenses. You know, but it does come to $5,105.67.

Speaker 30 Well, it's simple.

Speaker 3 What's the war chest?

Speaker 12 Sorry?

Speaker 22 War chest, money. What funds have we got?

Speaker 51 Um,

Speaker 51 I don't have any.

Speaker 3 You've no money?

Speaker 42 No.

Speaker 2 Hey, Carl, do you mind just putting your hands over your ears for a second?

Speaker 42 Sure.

Speaker 2 Yeah, just really tight.

Speaker 10 There was no money. And as 25-year campaign veteran Mark O'Hara knows, that is a problem.

Speaker 44 If you're very, very good at raising money, you don't really have to be very good at anything else.

Speaker 22 And if you can't raise money, you're fed.

Speaker 10 So Jason and Lauren immediately hit the phones to cold call loved ones and bleed them dry.

Speaker 59 Mom, it's Lauren. Hi, Lauren.
How's James Fitty?

Speaker 52 We're We're trying to fundraise for the campaign.

Speaker 52 Okay, talking ahead.

Speaker 52 So, we were wondering if we could have a thousand dollars.

Speaker 52 A thousand dollars?

Speaker 52 What are you gonna use a thousand dollars for?

Speaker 52 To win.

Speaker 52 No, you have it wrong. You can't buy a campaign.
You have to win on your own.

Speaker 52 Quit being so naive.

Speaker 52 Naive?

Speaker 52 We're already telling you to buy a campaign.

Speaker 52 Uh, we gotta go. All right, bye.

Speaker 10 Meanwhile, across town, Kyle was about to entertain his top donors at a private fundraiser.

Speaker 22 Okay, we got 15 of your key donors out there. This is important.
$5.99 a plate.

Speaker 1 So, let's go over what we learned. One.

Speaker 9 Start off with a joke. Good.

Speaker 13 Two.

Speaker 9 Give them some red meat. Exactly.

Speaker 22 And three, don't say.

Speaker 55 Let's go get us paid.

Speaker 9 Thank you all for being here.

Speaker 51 If I go to any more of these fundraisers, I'm going to get fat.

Speaker 10 The fundraiser was a huge success, but there's always a danger in your candidate becoming too comfortable.

Speaker 51 So, look, 47% of this school is not gonna vote for me.

Speaker 33 They're laymen dweebs, and they're addicted to being dweebs.

Speaker 5 Have you seen this thing?

Speaker 5 400 hits already. It's blowing up.

Speaker 52 We're not using that.

Speaker 52 Probably didn't mean anything of it. I mean.

Speaker 8 Okay.

Speaker 18 Okay.

Speaker 1 Stay positive.

Speaker 5 Girls, have you seen this?

Speaker 30 Look at Kyle. He's calling you all dweebs.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 44 Negative campaigning works. And anybody in my industry who tells you different doesn't know what the f ⁇ they're talking about.

Speaker 10 And thus, the negativity began.

Speaker 8 Oh, f ⁇ .

Speaker 12 Oh, f ⁇ .

Speaker 10 The hostility was threatening to spill over. And sadly, it did during an appearance the strategists made on the school's top-rated news program.

Speaker 24 Hi, I'm Nina with WCMS News, here with John Oliver and Jason Jones, campaign strategists. Hi, Jason.
How's the campaign going?

Speaker 58 Well, Nina, first of all, thank you so much for having me.

Speaker 30 Nina, can I just jump in for a second?

Speaker 22 Because the toxic tone of this campaign has been a disgrace so far.

Speaker 11 My good friend is clearly

Speaker 30 that you

Speaker 28 have been waging on our

Speaker 5 waiting for the school. And this is because school deserves better.
Democracy deserves better.

Speaker 23 Kyle Perlman is a unified candidate.

Speaker 5 Kyle Perlman? What is how?

Speaker 5 Let me tell you what Kyle Perman is doing.

Speaker 28 Kyle dispersed.

Speaker 5 I'm sorry, Lauren, but that's non-engaging in the discussion.

Speaker 28 Thank you. Thank you.

Speaker 54 Well, that's all we have time for today.

Speaker 24 Thanks for watching. Thank you for coming.

Speaker 10 Next time on the Strategists, the attacks get personal.

Speaker 8 Lauren,

Speaker 2 guess what I found?

Speaker 56 Boom.

Speaker 22 How do you allow yourself to get photographed naked in a bathtub?

Speaker 51 I was a baby.

Speaker 10 Previously on the strategists, Jason and John brought modern political tactics to an eighth-grade student council election and were immediately embraced by the children.

Speaker 52 So, you like your campaign guy?

Speaker 51 Not really. It's kind of mean.

Speaker 10 Now, with the campaign campaign entering its final days, the presidential debate was approaching. And as 25-year campaign strategist Mark O'Hara knows, you have to be prepared.

Speaker 44 Debate is the most formal setting for a candidate's image to be sort of fully realized. And so you practice everything.
We even focus group individual words.

Speaker 44 We find out what words they like, and then we find ways to repeat them in meaningful, catchy phrases so that they'll stick with them when they go into the polls.

Speaker 12 Honor.

Speaker 22 Who likes honor?

Speaker 2 Leadership.

Speaker 22 Nachos.

Speaker 1 Yeah, what word are we going to use?

Speaker 51 Nachos.

Speaker 34 How often are we going to use that word?

Speaker 9 All the time. That's right.

Speaker 22 So describe the school using a nacho metaphor.

Speaker 51 Uh, nachos.

Speaker 51 The school is like nacho cheese. It's warm, nourishing, and you can't get enough of it.
I love it.

Speaker 10 As the Perlman campaign seized the momentum, Jason desperately searched for a celebrity to give the Zablo campaign a boost.

Speaker 58 I need a big-time actor. Robert Downey Jr., Christian Bale, any any superhero would be great.

Speaker 1 Oh, really?

Speaker 37 You think you'd do it?

Speaker 10 But time was running out because with debate afternoon finally here for the candidates, it was game time.

Speaker 34 It is with great pleasure that I introduce Kyle Perlman and Lauren Zablo.

Speaker 52 My name is Lauren Zablo, and I am Woo!

Speaker 52 And I am running to be your student council president. I've been in student council since sixth grade so I will make every effort to fix what I've been doing.

Speaker 10 While Lauren went with substance, the Perlman camp took a different approach.

Speaker 51 Hello my fellow Americans.

Speaker 16 I'm sorry to see I'm the only one wearing a flagpin today.

Speaker 51 And um, well I'm sorry to see that I'm the only one wearing a flagpin today.

Speaker 48 Yes!

Speaker 51 Now this election we all know is pretty much a popularity contest.

Speaker 22 Use the word nachos in the next sentence.

Speaker 51 For example, you could say nachos are popular.

Speaker 22 Say God bless America.

Speaker 51 God bless America.

Speaker 22 Nachos.

Speaker 29 Nachos.

Speaker 10 With his back to the wall, it is time for Jason to deploy his celebrity endorsement.

Speaker 6 Who here's a fan of Batman?

Speaker 8 And what about Iron Man?

Speaker 48 Well, how about the Phantom?

Speaker 48 Ladies and gentlemen, Billy Zay!

Speaker 48 Billy Zay, the Phantom!

Speaker 26 This is the most important election of your lifetime, and that is why I am throwing my full support behind Lauren Zablow, the Woodcliffe Middle School class president.

Speaker 10 But an October surprise can quickly turn into an October nightmare.

Speaker 26 So, uh,

Speaker 26 Kyle,

Speaker 26 You want me to say what to Lauren?

Speaker 26 I can't say that. She's she's only 13 years old.

Speaker 19 I mean, it's over your head. Everything's over your f ⁇ ing head.
You're four foot two.

Speaker 8 You get your dad to come down here, and I'll kick his f ⁇ .

Speaker 8 Really?

Speaker 8 Billy's hanging, everybody. Billy's hanging.

Speaker 10 With the debate over, it was time for the children to vote and for the strategists to get instant feedback from exit polls.

Speaker 10 Twelve days of campaigning, thousands of dollars unnecessarily spent, all led up to this one moment.

Speaker 64 Good afternoon, Woodcliffe Lake students and faculty.

Speaker 64 I am proud to make the announcements for the winning student council representatives for your 2012 Woodcliffe Lake Middle School president, Kyle Proman. Thank you, sir.

Speaker 19 Yeah, I figured.

Speaker 16 Hey, Billy, what do you think about a third-grade race in Akron, Ohio?

Speaker 19 Chucker.

Speaker 10 And with that, John, Jason, and Billy Zane were gone. Because as any strategist knows, winning is everything.

Speaker 10 Cleaning up the mess is someone else's problem.

Speaker 10 What about Kyle Pearlman, Lauren Zablo?

Speaker 6 Nicely done, guys. Very nicely done.

Speaker 19 First of all, I just want to thank you guys for participating. You guys were great sports, and it was really a wonderful exercise.

Speaker 19 I want to ask what you felt like it was like to work with Jason and John and the kind of...

Speaker 8 Who is it?

Speaker 52 He did great. He was really great.

Speaker 8 Yeah.

Speaker 8 Kyle,

Speaker 19 what plans do you have now that you're in office?

Speaker 31 Actually, Carl, I'll jump in and take this.

Speaker 65 John, for a start, it's President Perlman to you.

Speaker 63 Respect the f ⁇ ing office.

Speaker 65 President Perlman is not taking questions at this this time, okay?

Speaker 37 You know what?

Speaker 19 Let me just take care of this real quick after that display. Just you might want to sign those guys.

Speaker 19 These are just releases that in any way indemnify the show of physical or emotional damage that were inflicted on you or the school.

Speaker 19 And it's just a pledge to never tell your parents that ever this happened. Okay, yeah.

Speaker 30 Thank you both very much.

Speaker 6 Kyle Perlman, Lauren Zablo, everybody.

Speaker 37 We'll be right back.

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Speaker 37 Now kids, obviously you've heard about the tensions in Syria, Iran, throughout the Middle East, but there is a battle brewing much closer to home.

Speaker 67 Tonight, the food fight sweeping school cafeterias nationwide.

Speaker 56 Students who say healthy lunches now mandated under federal guidelines are leaving them hungry.

Speaker 37 Newsplash!

Speaker 68 Extra, extra.

Speaker 68 Children think school lunches suck.

Speaker 68 We now go out to our own Captain Obvious, who has been following this story

Speaker 68 since schools began serving lunch.

Speaker 6 All right, what's the problem?

Speaker 69 Smaller portions, fewer calories, less meat and cheese, and more fruits and vegetables.

Speaker 67 Some kids are complaining that their lunch doesn't fill them up.

Speaker 69 The new rules limit elementary schoolers to 650 calories, 700 calories for middle schoolers, and 850 for high schoolers.

Speaker 68 Extree, extree!

Speaker 68 School lunches suck,

Speaker 68 and the portions are too small.

Speaker 13 So you hate the food, and you want more of it.

Speaker 37 But I guess, look, if the government is actually policing students and restricting their caloric intake,

Speaker 19 That does seem a bit draconian.

Speaker 69 Despite calorie limits, students can always get seconds of fruits and vegetables.

Speaker 8 No, sure.

Speaker 68 Fruits and vegetables.

Speaker 6 Like that counts as food.

Speaker 68 You know, we called fruits and vegetables in my school nerd grenades.

Speaker 68 And I should know because

Speaker 68 I got hit by a lot of nerd grenades. I thought my nickname was incoming.

Speaker 8 It was just like, ha!

Speaker 8 All right, sure.

Speaker 37 This is only for lunches that are subsidized by the government.

Speaker 6 And sure, you're allowed unlimited fruits and vegetables, but a third of our kids are overweight or obese.

Speaker 68 And if this keeps up from the government, we are never getting that above 50%.

Speaker 13 I'm still not clear on why they're hungry.

Speaker 69 At some schools, the amount of food thrown out in cafeterias is shocking. Kids are now throwing away twice as much food as last year.

Speaker 19 Now, I am obviously not a nutritionist or an educator, but I think if these kids are hungry, I guess my solution

Speaker 19 would be, eat your mother lunch!

Speaker 63 You know who's not hungry?

Speaker 8 Your old pal Remy out in the dumpster.

Speaker 68 Because you gave him your lunch.

Speaker 37 So the USDA, which has been setting guidelines for subsidized school lunches for the past, oh, I don't know, 70 years,

Speaker 19 has, in trying to curb what everybody agrees is a childhood obesity problem, changed last year's school lunch menu from cheese pizza, canned pineapple, tater tots, and low-fat chocolate milk into whole wheat cheese pizza, baked sweet potato fries, applesauce, and low-fat milk.

Speaker 68 Why is this news?

Speaker 56 New guidelines thanks to Michelle Obama.

Speaker 20 Michelle Obama's school lunch calorie limits.

Speaker 61 Michelle Obama's nutritional school lunches.

Speaker 3 Oh man.

Speaker 62 Oh right.

Speaker 32 That's right, because this isn't really about food or kids.

Speaker 6 It's about big government uber nanny Michelle Obama, who if she said we need clean air, half the country would demand gills because freedom!

Speaker 68 Listen to the complaint.

Speaker 49 The USDA shouldn't be deciding how many calories we take or how many calories we expend during the day. At some point,

Speaker 49 personal responsibility.

Speaker 68 That's what I'm talking about. He's America, Jack.

Speaker 68 Just because Uncle Sam's buying me lunch doesn't mean he can tell me what to eat.

Speaker 37 By the way, how do you feel about food stamps?

Speaker 49 The issue is, should you be able to use, should you be allowed to use, an ABT card, a food stamp card at a McDonald's.

Speaker 49 I'd rather have, you know, my tax dollar going to a family buying stuff at Costco and bulking it.

Speaker 3 Then going to McDonald's.

Speaker 68 Right, because this is America, Jack.

Speaker 68 If Uncle Sam's paying for the meal, Uncle Sam gets to tell you where to eat.

Speaker 8 Oh,

Speaker 68 I just forgot. I don't make any f ⁇ ing sense.

Speaker 32 The story actually came to light because kind of a funny parody music video made by some high school students that even included some much younger students singing along in Kansas where they decried the new federal guidelines and even burned the legislation.

Speaker 37 Kids taking a strong political stand.

Speaker 37 Pretty sophisticated stuff.

Speaker 56 The parody song was actually written by an English teacher at the school.

Speaker 19 Oh, a teacher wrote a song that the children, including what appear to be elementary school kids, performed against the government. I wonder how Fox is going to take this.

Speaker 37 I don't mean they're pundits, I mean they're news people.

Speaker 34 Cafeteria Revolt, the new school lunch program that has left students starving.

Speaker 71 In Kansas, some kids and a teacher came up with a parody, a video turning the song We Are Young into We Are Hungry.

Speaker 34 I am told that if people don't like their vegetables, you just serve it to them day after day after day, and some people believe that that will make them love their vegetables.

Speaker 12 It's all just good fun.

Speaker 68 It's just a funny little video, a parody video of little kids in school singing.

Speaker 32 You know, it reminds me of that video of kids singing a song about Barack Obama just after he was inaugurated.

Speaker 34 We are trying to get some answers about a video that is getting attention on the Drudge Report website this morning. It shows young children singing the praises, quite literally, of the president.

Speaker 34 You know, many parents would have no problem with this. Many parents would, and just don't want this sort of

Speaker 34 political cheerleading, if you will, in the classroom.

Speaker 32 The tone seems different in those two stories.

Speaker 32 So, kids singing a song criticizing the administration,

Speaker 8 we'll show it to you. It's just money.

Speaker 32 Kids singing a song praising the administration.

Speaker 37 We'll show it to you.

Speaker 6 It's very disturbing.

Speaker 37 So how divided are we as a nation?

Speaker 19 Well, we have two types of diabetes in this country, and if Obama is against them, well, America's number one news network is for one of them.

Speaker 55 President Trump believes in a lot of things. The Electoral College, Twitter, and of course, junk food.
He loves junk food so much, he has now changed how American kids eat. Roy Wood Jr.
has more.

Speaker 36 Back in 2010, Michelle Obama took her biceps in broccoli and did something unforgivable.

Speaker 9 I am thrilled to be here with all of you today as my husband signs the Healthy Hunger-Free Kids Act into law.

Speaker 36 This act changed the guidelines for school lunches, forcing innocent children to eat more nutritious meals. And they were not happy.

Speaker 59 Angry students are tweeting out cell phone snaps of their school lunches. Hashtag thanks, Michelle Obama.

Speaker 36 Thankfully, the Trump administration has finally done something right. They're making school lunches greasy again.
Do you want to finish that play?

Speaker 30 Let me get on this.

Speaker 49 A bunch of kids talked to me about how they didn't like their school meals anymore and we can make school lunches great again.

Speaker 35 Which means things like flavored chocolate milk will be back on the menu.

Speaker 36 That's right. In a bizarre twist, Trump is for once the hero.
His administration changed nutritious back to delicious and all is right with the world again.

Speaker 1 But there's one flavor hater trying to roll back the rollbacks.

Speaker 36 Meet Margo Wutan, the vice president for nutrition at the Center for Science and the Public Interest. She's also worked with the Obamas on the Healthy Hunger-Free Kids app.
Explain yourself, Margo.

Speaker 36 Why are you taking good food away from the kids?

Speaker 20 We give kids choices, but all those choices need to be healthy.

Speaker 73 Then that's not a choice.

Speaker 72 If a dude came up to me and said, hey, do you want to be punched in the face?

Speaker 11 or kicked in the face.

Speaker 36 I would say I do not like either of those choices.

Speaker 20 Food can be delicious and and still be healthy. Just come over to my house for dinner.
I'll show you.

Speaker 19 Mm-mm. I've seen get out.

Speaker 36 When I was a kid, we had perfectly healthy school lunches like this, and I turned out fine. So what exactly are they changing in the menu?

Speaker 20 Switching from fatty meats to leaner proteins, taking out the saturated fat, the trans, and bringing down the salt levels to the...

Speaker 63 You are a monster!

Speaker 36 It's not what you do to kids.

Speaker 72 The food is supposed to be tasty and terrible, and it's supposed to make you fall asleep in Miss Ormond's biology class in fifth period.

Speaker 20 Actually, it's supposed to help you learn, not make them fall asleep.

Speaker 63 Why would you do that? What's next?

Speaker 33 You gonna take recess away?

Speaker 20 We love recess.

Speaker 73 Why don't you take away playing cards in the bathroom for $5 a hand?

Speaker 8 This is outrageous.

Speaker 36 What has Obama's school lunch ever done for anybody?

Speaker 20 Childhood obesity will decrease by 2 million kids and will save $800 million in healthcare costs.

Speaker 29 That don't even sound like real numbers.

Speaker 30 Where'd you get that data?

Speaker 3 From Harvard.

Speaker 11 A dude named Harvard?

Speaker 20 Harvard School of Public Health.

Speaker 10 Harvard University.

Speaker 29 Harvard, Harvard. Okay.
Okay, my bad. Which is I know a dude named Harvard.

Speaker 2 He be lying sometimes.

Speaker 57 And Margot was just getting started.

Speaker 20 Three quarters of the kids who get the school lunch come from low-income families, and their kids really rely on these meals as an important source of nutrition.

Speaker 38 Okay, that's bad.

Speaker 36 But how much nutrition are they actually losing?

Speaker 20 So we have two school lunches. We have a whole grain bun versus a white flower bun.

Speaker 20 But we have carrots here and we have salty French fries here because Trump is letting in more salt than was supposed to be.

Speaker 33 Ain't nothing wrong with a couple fries.

Speaker 36 They potatoes, they grow in the ground just like a damn carrot.

Speaker 20 More salt in kids' diets means higher blood pressure in childhood, which leads to hypertension, stroke, heart disease, heart attacks. This really can have a big impact on children's long-term health.

Speaker 16 Somebody's got to go save the kids.

Speaker 36 If the government is going to keep putting politics before kids' health, then it's up to me to infiltrate every school cafeteria and change their eating habits.

Speaker 61 Listen up, you maggots.

Speaker 36 I've been watching you kids secretly.

Speaker 46 Not watching you like that, like watching you eat. I've been watching your diet.
I've been watching your diet.

Speaker 36 And I don't like what I've been seeing.

Speaker 72 So I am here to change your lives.

Speaker 72 Oh, hell no. Oh, hell no.

Speaker 36 These kids were out of control. Looks like it's time for them to meet Sergeant Toughlug.

Speaker 5 Hoo-hoo-hoo.

Speaker 57 Are you crazy?

Speaker 72 You know how many calories is in that slice of pizza?

Speaker 5 You don't know.

Speaker 72 You don't know nothing. Look at me when I'm talking to you.
Don't look at me.

Speaker 8 Think you know everything about nutrition.

Speaker 8 Don't nutrition.

Speaker 36 These kids need to be whipped into shape.

Speaker 8 Applesauce.

Speaker 30 No good food goes to waste on my watch.

Speaker 5 This is for your own good.

Speaker 8 Now everybody come over here and get an applesauce and a carrot.

Speaker 72 Dip the carrot in the applesauce.

Speaker 36 These kids were in a food coma. It was time to wake them up.

Speaker 46 All right, listen up everybody.

Speaker 57 I know hamburgers taste good and pizza and baconators from Wendy's with extra cheese.

Speaker 3 I want one right now.

Speaker 72 That's not the point. The point is this administration is feeding feeding us junk food to keep us lazy, fat, and complacent so that they can get away with whatever they want.

Speaker 5 So it's time that we show the government.

Speaker 72 We will not go quietly into that tub of butter. Nutrition now, nutrition tomorrow, nutrition forever.

Speaker 42 Now who's with me?

Speaker 54 Take it five. Take it five.
Take a hit and five.

Speaker 36 If throwing their junk food at me kept them from eating it, then I've done my job.

Speaker 38 This sugar cut.

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Speaker 33 Then you need a good agent.

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Speaker 19 I believe it was Solchenitsyn who once said, I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.

Speaker 19 Or somebody said that. But what should we teach them and where should we lead them? Our own Asif Manby investigates.

Speaker 39 Young people today are under enormous pressure, and it's easier than ever for them to slip off the rails.

Speaker 39 In the 70s, the Scared Straight program tried to save troubled teens by putting them face to face with hardened criminals. Today's at-risk youth need a new Scared Straight.

Speaker 60 I have one person that I want you to meet.

Speaker 60 This guy is gonna melt your brain.

Speaker 73 TJ, get in here!

Speaker 60 Hey, how you doing?

Speaker 39 Okay, he may not look scary, but wait until you hear his story.

Speaker 45 I screwed my life up going to college.

Speaker 45 A private institution, didn't research, didn't think when I took loans out. I owe $170,000.
That's a lot of money.

Speaker 39 Yes, TJ was here to scare kids who were at risk of a college education. Costs are up over 1,000% in the last 30 years.
Student debt is at an all-time high, and job prospects are dismal.

Speaker 39 Career advisor Marty Nemco.

Speaker 30 For many more people than in decades past, college is the wrong choice.

Speaker 30 Those who are average students in high school, who went into college, they end up doing jobs that they could have done straight out of high school, like selling extended warranties or they are bartenders.

Speaker 60 Wow, I always assumed that they had a bartending major.

Speaker 31 I think that's called English literature.

Speaker 3 Yeah!

Speaker 39 English Litzlab!

Speaker 8 Nice! Woo!

Speaker 39 So had our panel given these issues any thought?

Speaker 60 What are you going to measure in?

Speaker 74 History.

Speaker 60 I think sociology.

Speaker 42 Journalism. Wow.

Speaker 60 Do you have a time machine?

Speaker 60 Because you're going to need one to go back in time to when people get fed about journalism degrees.

Speaker 39 Looks like these kids need a TJ to put the fear of school in them.

Speaker 2 I graduated with a degree in illustration.

Speaker 45 I don't even do it. I don't do art at all.
$170,000.

Speaker 45 That's a house. Illustration is an economically useless degree.
I'll be dead before these loans are paid off. Just don't make the mistakes I did.

Speaker 50 Mission accomplished.

Speaker 60 What did you feel like you got out of that?

Speaker 25 It's clear I shouldn't do anything with illustration. That seems like a bad life choice.

Speaker 60 That's your takeaway from it?

Speaker 60 You're getting a photography degree.

Speaker 25 Two different things, right?

Speaker 39 Idiots. Maybe what these kids need is some professional help.

Speaker 60 Look right into that camera. What advice would you give to a teenager who's thinking about going to college right now?

Speaker 30 Think three times. Give equal value to apprenticeships, to taking a break from school.

Speaker 60 I'm sorry, can you jazz it up a little bit when you're talking to teenagers?

Speaker 30 Hey, dude, you know, the college thing, eh, there's something up with that, but is that the whole deal?

Speaker 40 I'm not so sure. You want to check out the options? Things like, you know, apprenticeships.

Speaker 30 There are options, dude, our dudette.

Speaker 60 You know, I have to be honest, you're kind of awesome at that.

Speaker 14 That's why I do the work I do. I love it.
Yeah.

Speaker 39 This time, mission definitely accomplished.

Speaker 30 There are options, dude, our dudette.

Speaker 28 So,

Speaker 32 who's still going to college?

Speaker 39 Okay, you know what? Time to give this job to guys who never went to college. Guys with real skills.

Speaker 6 New Jack, J-Lover, get in here.

Speaker 63 What's up, Einsteins? Why are you smiling?

Speaker 8 Get your hands up here.

Speaker 62 I'll bite your lips off.

Speaker 63 I'm gonna drop a bomb on you.

Speaker 6 If you hate going to school, college is a lot like school.

Speaker 30 Student loans are like herpes with compound interest.

Speaker 63 You make the wrong choice. You're gonna have to move right home with mama boy.

Speaker 68 If you want to be interested at parties, three words, Malcolm

Speaker 6 Gladwell.

Speaker 63 You got a college degree in this hand and toilet paper in this hand.

Speaker 8 You can take two f ⁇ ks. Two f ⁇ .

Speaker 39 After two hours of enhanced education techniques, I was hopeful these kids would finally make a smarter choice than going to college.

Speaker 74 Maybe now I want to intern at a recording studio or somewhere else where I can get some first-hand experience, hands-on experience.

Speaker 39 Nice! That was all worth it to have helped even one young person to stay out of school.

Speaker 50 Oh, and one more thing.

Speaker 39 Learn Chinese.

Speaker 60 Just, it'll help.

Speaker 55 There's so much arguing in America today, but we here at the Daily Show think there could be even more. So, to do our part, here's Dulce Sloan with another installment of Prove Me Wrong.

Speaker 75 You know, it's a special time of year where the crisp is back in the air.

Speaker 75 Your exes are calling you back, and we have sent those badass kids back in that building. So, welcome to Prove Me Wrong, Back to School Edition.

Speaker 75 These kids ain't that bright anyway. Why keep using your tax dollars to teach these little monsters? Why do you think school should stop at third grade?

Speaker 75 What did you learn in the fourth grade that you still use? Cursive?

Speaker 76 Now, how am I going to remember what I learned in the fourth grade? I don't remember what I wore last week.

Speaker 75 That's what I'm saying. If you can't remember what you learned in the fourth grade, then why did you need to go past the third?

Speaker 76 Now that's the valid point. Because I can't tell you nothing I learned past third grade.
Mm-hmm.

Speaker 75 I want you to prove me wrong.

Speaker 5 Popularity in school does matter.

Speaker 13 Prove me wrong! I think when you're showered with attention and cuddled like too early, like all the people like you, it's not good for your development.

Speaker 75 Where'd you go to school?

Speaker 13 In Germany. Germany? Yeah, southern Germany.

Speaker 75 So you're saying that you shouldn't be popular because

Speaker 75 the popular kids end up selling schnitzel or some shit.

Speaker 13 Which is not bad for itself, right? But yeah, I'd say so.

Speaker 75 There is no reason to teach spelling anymore.

Speaker 54 Prove me wrong!

Speaker 14 Spelling is so important. Sorry, I don't want to be rude, but I mean, spelling is like...

Speaker 75 You're not being rude. I said, prove me wrong.
You walked over here.

Speaker 14 I mean, spelling is like...

Speaker 14 First thing you learn in school.

Speaker 75 We have all of these computers that tell us, hey, the words are spelled wrong.

Speaker 14 What about the people who aren't as lucky as us who don't have the technology to have autocorrect?

Speaker 14 Maybe they're still writing, I don't know. Like people around the world.

Speaker 14 I haven't lived that life, but I know they exist.

Speaker 75 No, I'm only talking about the fools here.

Speaker 14 Okay, so this is no reason to teach spelling anymore in the US.

Speaker 75 Listen, I'm an American. I don't think about anyone else.

Speaker 54 Okay.

Speaker 75 Why would I think this extrapolation is?

Speaker 54 I'm jealous of you.

Speaker 14 I'm jealous. I wish I could just think about myself.

Speaker 75 Attractive people shouldn't be allowed to be teachers.

Speaker 8 Prove me wrong!

Speaker 75 Well, I think attractiveness is a very subjective thing.

Speaker 66 He could be attractive to you and not to me.

Speaker 75 There's no way we can, like, say ugly people. I don't want to play this game.
We know who's ugly. We do this all the time as people.
It's like, oh attractiveness is relative. No, it's not.

Speaker 75 I definitely paid more attention in class when there was an attractive teacher. I agree.
I failed math four times.

Speaker 75 You only get to take it four times.

Speaker 54 Yeah, I found it all four times.

Speaker 75 Yeah, no, I finally passed on the fourth time actually.

Speaker 75 But what about all the other math you had to take? I think your counting might be still obstinate. Had a hot physics teacher.
Don't know what physics are. I know biology is bodies.

Speaker 75 Chemistry is is the chemicals what the hell is physics physicals i think a hot or not teacher doing physics isn't gonna help well thank you so much i think we've figured out that hot teachers are a detriment to us all

Speaker 54 disagree

Speaker 54 are you a teacher

Speaker 75 really what school is this can i enroll see that's my point you can't have hot teachers i wouldn't learn with him standing in front of me Did you see them pecs on that man? The disrespect.

Speaker 75 He should be fired immediately.

Speaker 62 Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching The Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts.

Speaker 62 Watch The Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Fairmount Plus.

Speaker 62 This has been a Comedy Central podcast.

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Speaker 66 Plus, you get premium benefits at a collection of luxury hotels when you book on Capital One Travel. And with Venture X, you get access to over 1,000 airport lounges worldwide.

Speaker 66 Open up a world of travel possibilities with the Capital One Venture X card. What's in your wallet?

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