Trump Wages War on American Cities As DOD Gets a Makeover | Michael Grunwald

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You're listening to Comedy Central.

From the most trusted journalists at Comedy Central.

It's America's only source for news.

This is the Daily Show with your host, Michael Coston.

Whoa, whoa, Eddie.

Oh,

Welcome to the Daily Show.

I'm Michael Costa.

We've got so much to talk about tonight.

The Department of Defense ditches its maiden name.

Jordan Klepper almost makes it to Canada.

And Donald Trump makes headlines by going to a restaurant without a drive-through.

So let's get into the headlines.

Since taking office, Donald Trump has been spending a lot of time redecorating, from paving over the Rose Garden to turning the Oval Office into a cash-for-gold storefront.

But now that the White House is perfect, Trump has moved on to renovating the Department of Defense.

President Trump has just signed an executive order to rename the Department of Defense.

The president wants to change the name back to the Department of War.

Hmm.

Not a good sign when a country that's not at war suddenly sets up a Department of War.

What's the president trying to tell us about what's going to happen?

It's like when your doctor asks you to come in and discuss your test results in person.

Why?

So we can high-five over how few STDs I have?

So why is Trump doing this?

We won the First World War.

We won the Second World War.

We won...

everything before that and in between and then we decided to go woke and we changed the name to Department of Defense.

Oh, oh, yeah.

So the military went woke when they changed their name in 1947, that famously woke time period in American history.

I guess wokeness is also why we lost in Vietnam, huh?

Big mistake to carpet bomb that country with DVDs of the black little mermaid.

But okay.

The new name is supposed to reflect that our military is no longer woke.

What does that mean exactly?

Pete Hagseth, could you tell us?

Hey, but make it funky.

We're going to go on offense, not just on defense.

Maximum lethality, not tepid legality.

Violent effect, not politically correct.

Deadly force, not a gender studies course.

It's World War III, not Adam and Steve.

Agent Orange, not...

Ah, f ⁇ , I wrote myself into a corner.

But yeah, slam poetry.

Great.

In his sobriety, Edgar Allan Brough over here picked up the one hobby that's actually worse than drinking.

By the way, if the vibe we're going for is maximum lethality, we should probably also think about changing the name of the Pentagon.

That name's not scaring anyone.

Pentagon?

That's just a pretentious square.

You want the world quivering in their boots?

From now on, it should be

the Polygon of Jew.

So yes,

the Department of Defense is now officially the Department of War.

Except, funny thing, it's not really, literally, officially, actually.

To be clear, officially changing the name of the Department of Defense would require an act of Congress and 60 votes in the Senate, which Trump could not get.

It appears that this executive order is not really changing the name completely from DOD, Department of Defense, to Department of War, but it's instead making it a secondary name.

Secondary name?

Are you telling me the American military just gave itself an official nickname?

If anything, that makes it seem weaker.

There's nothing more pathetic than that friend that tries to create his own nickname.

From now on, call me Stevie Mussels.

Okay, that's cute, Stevie Mussels, but your mom's here to pick you up.

But what's the harm?

Right?

It's not going to cost us anything.

Right?

Right?

Right?

According to Politico, it will likely cost billions of dollars to change the name on stationery, emblems, plaques, and other signage at the Defense Department and bases around the world.

Billions?

It's going to cost billions to adopt this not even name but nickname?

My God, what a waste.

You know, and that's real money that we could have spent on two fighter jets for Qatar that would get bombed by two other fighter jets from Israel that we also paid for.

But okay,

this is the same administration that dozed the f out of cancer research and food safety, but they can find billions to change the stationery at the Pentagon.

Oh, sorry, not the Pentagon.

The anus of destruction.

But you know what?

That's cool.

Thank God for that effect.

But you know what?

That's cool.

We got the Department of War now, and they'll be terrifying America's enemies wherever they go.

Where exactly are they going?

Planning is underway to potentially duplicate Trump's mobilization in D.C.

and send troops into Chicago.

I think Chicago will be our next, and then we'll help with New York.

Trump sharing a manipulated image of himself with a twist on a quote from the movie Apocalypse Now.

The caption says, I love the smell of deportations in the morning and the line, Chicago about to find out why it's called the Department of War.

So great.

The first use of our new Department of War is invading American cities.

And by the way, if Trump does send troops to New York, that means he's going to invade the very city he came out of.

Hmm.

Freudian much?

Just admit that you want to f your mom, dude.

All right.

But before he invades all democratic cities Trump first used Washington DC as a test case it's been a month since Trump sent the National Guard into the nation's capital and last night Trump tried to show everyone that it's been a huge success Fox News Alert Donald Trump is out on the town dinner with members of his cabinet in DC showing it's safe to walk around the city after deploying the National Guard.

The restaurants now are booming.

People are going out to dinner where they didn't go out for years and it's a safe city and I just want to thank the National Guard.

Hey, nothing says I feel safe like driving one block from the White House surrounded by a fleet of armored cars and countless Secret Service agents.

And just look at this pussy posse behind them, huh?

That looks like the bachelor party from hell.

You got the jokester, right?

The bad boy, the guy who has work in the morning and doesn't want to be in this friend group anymore and ends up crying through a lap dance.

Whatever you think about the occupation of D.C., at least Trump now feels safe enough to go out and he can enjoy a nice meal in peace.

Overnight, while dining out in Washington, D.C., President Trump facing protests.

Yeah, good up to the protesters.

You know what I mean?

Here we go.

Also,

they just discovered the most genius way of getting out of your restaurant bill, right?

$40 for a shrimp cocktail.

Trump's Hitler.

Trump's.

Oh no, don't kick me out.

We didn't settle our tab.

Okay, see you.

Bye.

I'm going to do that next time I go to Paniera Bread.

I sympathize with these people.

I protest in steakhouses all the time.

Specifically, Ruth's Chris steakhouse.

What the f does that mean?

Who is Chris?

Why is he Ruth?

For more on the new Department of War, we go live to the Pentagon with Josh Johnson.

Josh.

Josh, this name change feels like a real waste of time to me.

That's because you're a bitch, Costa.

Department of War is letting everybody know that Donald Trump isn't f ⁇ ing around.

It's like Pete Hexett says, we're the Department of War.

We're here to say we do all the war in a major way.

B-boy stance.

So you're saying America is on war footing, ready to fight any of our enemies at any time?

Anybody, anytime.

Oh, including China?

Hell no.

Obviously, not China.

They got tanks and bombs.

They had been at Kung Fu.

Costa?

No, I'm talking about hotel workers in Baltimore.

These clean ladies had it too good for too long.

Cleaning ladies, aren't there more appropriate enemies for the Department of War?

Like the Sinaloa cartel?

No, dude.

Those guys chop people's heads off for fun.

No, no, no, we're not touching cartels.

But an unarmed boat, we light that shit up from a distance.

All right?

Bombs away, we ain't here to play.

Poison.

Poison.

So to be clear, the Department of War isn't trying to do war, just little skirmishes.

I can tell you've never been to jail.

No.

No, I have you?

That's not the point.

You know,

you know how they say say in jail you should walk right up to the biggest guy and punch him in the face?

That's not true at all, all right?

What you should actually do is walk in and start beating the shit out of yourself, all right?

You ever see a guy punching his own balls?

No one's gonna mess with him.

He's crazy.

It's just like Pete Hexek says, you gotta have the guts to punch your own nuts.

Stop, hammertime.

I'm no expert, but Trump's plan of laying siege to his own country may be one of the dumbest things I've ever heard.

Those fighting words, Costa, you want to go?

Yeah.

Yeah, you know what?

Yeah, let's go.

Let's go.

Well, I'm on the way.

Right now, let's go.

Let's go.

You asked for it.

Come on.

Oh, my God.

He's punching himself in the nuts.

Oh, yeah, you had enough yet, Costa.

Fine, fine, fine.

I yield.

Just stop.

Just stop.

Just stop.

Oh, see?

Peace through strength, Costa.

Josh Johnson, everyone.

When we come back,

we'll find out how to get Canada back.

Don't go away.

Josh.

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America's in a golden age of having enemies, but is it possible to make peace with one of them?

Jordan Klepper has more.

Americans and Canadians have been best friends for decades until this guy came along.

One of the nastiest countries to deal with is Canada.

Canada was meant to be the 51st state.

They need us, we don't need them.

Okay, that was bad.

But Canadians are polite.

They're not gonna let a little trash talk ruin our friendship.

Canadians are boycotting American vacations by plane, down 20%.

By car, down 35%.

It's projected that the U.S.

will lose $12.5 billion compared to last year.

And one state getting hit the hardest is Vermont.

How's business going in Burlington right now?

Not so great, actually.

You know,

it's been slow.

We've seen credit card spending down 30 or 40 percent.

People get their feelings hurt and then they don't want to come here.

So what's the most aggressively liberal state doing to win their neighbors back?

There's stickers to attract Canadian tourists just to let them know that we're Canadian friendly.

Not every idea is going to be a win.

We've got a sign on our door, Canadians are welcome.

This isn't an ice trap, is it?

No.

It's like with cops and prostitutes.

You have to tell me if I ask you.

Are you a prostitute?

Yeah, no, I'm not, I swear.

Traditionally, this is Church Street, and so City Council just voted to rename it as Canada Street.

You're putting country over God.

Yes, actually.

I had not thought about it in those terms.

Whatever it takes to get those loonies.

We're doing some free parking stuff for them.

You got to think bigger than free parking.

What about our naked person thing?

Do you have a naked person thing?

Yes we do.

In this town you can walk around naked.

Yeah do you think maybe the naked people is a reason Canadians don't visit as much?

People come here on vacation specifically for the opportunity to walk around naked.

I was at the front line of America's economic downfall but surprisingly ass cheeks, stickers and free parking just aren't enough.

What about the foot soldier like this Vermonter Karen?

I went to Canada up to Sutton two hours north of here and I made a little poster and brought it to different stores.

Yeah, I was apologizing.

I want to know, how many Canadians accepted your apology, and how many left you crying in a Tim Hortons parking lot?

I wasn't in Tim Hortons.

Did you even go to Canada?

One annual event that's always got Canadians across the border was the Vermont Brewers Festival.

In an average year, how many tickets would you expect to sell to Canadians?

700.

700.

Oh, yeah.

And this year, you've sold.

50.

50.

Times were desperate, but luckily, the brewery had a few tricks up their sleeves to entice the Canucks.

We are, you know, getting rid of the exchange rate.

So there's a Bienvenu Canadiens line.

We've got three Montreal breweries down here.

Bringing Canada beer to America to get Canadians to come from Canada to America.

Absolutely.

So the game plan is discounts, Canadian beer, and overall politeness.

Absolutely.

Are you sure I'm not in Canada right now?

Nope.

I decided to do some deep research at this festival to find out if Canadians are, in fact, that cheap and easy.

What got you here?

Was it the stickers, the discounts, the VIP line?

That's just the beer.

The beer.

Just the beer.

Okay, that.

Yeah, that makes sense.

You're a hero.

I know there's been a lot of people who don't want to come into America right now.

I tried to survey what's happening in the White House and what's happening with my friend.

How do you keep those things separate?

Beer is good for friendship.

Beer is good for friendship.

You're not Canadian?

No.

You're not American?

No.

You're just an alcoholic.

Where are you coming in from?

Montreal.

What brought you in?

For the food and the beer, which is phenomenal.

Why do you think there is though that reticence with other Canadians?

Is it the trade wars?

Trump calling you freeloaders?

The new travel regulations?

Is it threatening extortion?

It could be the terror policy.

It could be the 51st state.

It could be fear of getting over the border.

It could be the preponderance of guns that we have in our culture.

It could be messy with the financial system.

It could be a culture of like hate and cruelty that's happening right now.

Is it Ted Cruz?

Probably Ted Cruz.

None of that is helping.

Yeah, yeah.

Despite their best efforts, none of their Canadian traps were working.

But then I started to reflect on the last five minutes.

We're big beer people.

We make beer.

We love beer.

And the beer, which is phenomenal.

Beer is good for our friendship.

Vermont beer is like definitely in the upper echelon.

Beer.

Beer.

Beer.

Not just the beer.

The beer.

Beer was the answer.

Step right up, step right up.

Come on up.

Come on.

I have a concoction that knows no borders.

It is not American.

It is not Canadian.

It is something that is friendship.

Have you ever seen this before?

This is Jordan Clepper's very pale ale.

Wow.

Come taste with freedom.

Sure.

Come taste like.

Oh.

Just needed one special touch.

Because in the end, we all just need a little bit of Canada to make everything better.

And beer.

Mostly beer.

Thanks for joining.

When we come back, Michael Grunwall will be joining me on the show.

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Welcome back to the Daily Show.

My guest tonight is an award-winning journalist and best-selling author whose latest book is called We Are Eating the Earth.

Please welcome Michael Grunwald.

Michael!

Big Michael Grunwald fans here.

That's awesome.

This book, a five-year project,

and you discussed in the introduction, it started when you had a simple question and you called someone for help.

Is meat really this bad for the climate?

Yeah, yeah, and the answer was yes.

Duh.

Yeah, I mean,

I was an energy and climate guy.

I had written a piece about my own green life.

I had gotten an all-electric Chevy Bolt.

I'd put solar panels on my roof.

And I had a line, you know, kind of a throwaway line about about how I wasn't some kind of eco-saint.

I was doing it because clean energy was cheap.

That I didn't line dry my laundry.

You know, I didn't unplug my computer at night.

I still eat meat.

And I realized I didn't know.

So I called this guy and he told me.

And it occurred to me that if I was this spectacularly ignorant about meat and agriculture, which turns out to be our, you know, it's our leading driver of deforestation, of water pollution, of water shortages.

And it's a third of our climate program problem, and I didn't know squat about it.

So I figured if I was this spectacularly ignorant, other people probably were too.

Why is eating meat associated with land?

Back it up for, let's just say the host of the show is a total idiot.

Well, look, I mean, I think,

you know, agriculture, you know, when I say it's a climate problem, people think, oh, yeah, the diesel tractors, the burping cows and farting cows,

the fertilizer.

Honestly, if you say fart, this audience laughs.

I know.

It's funny.

But the real problem

is that we're losing a soccer field worth of forest every six seconds to agriculture.

That we are eating the earth, right?

And at this point, people know that cities and suburbs take up a lot of land.

Well, that's like 1% of our land.

Crops and pastures are almost 40%.

And from a climate perspective,

trying to decarbonize the planet while you're tearing down forests for agriculture, it's like trying to clean up your house while you're smashing the vacuum cleaner to bits in the living room.

You're making this huge mess because you're losing all the carbon in the forest.

But you're also crippling your ability to clean up the mess because that's what forests do.

Is it that the carbon is being stored in the forest or is it the trees clean the carbon and give us oxygen or is it both?

Yeah, it's both.

You tell me it was a communications major.

There you go.

Exactly.

It's sucking carbon out of the atmosphere.

The original three billion year old photosynthesis is our form of carbon capture.

And

we're overrunning it.

So

if

we're eating meat, it's because we're still bulldozing trees?

That feels so archaic to me.

Yeah, I mean, you know, meat is

three-quarters of our agricultural land is either pasture or it's it's crops that we're feeding to animals, right?

Like,

you know, if you're like plant, you're eating plants, that's that's you know, that's great.

If you're eating animals that eat plants, you know, not as good.

And beef in particular, cattle are the baddies.

They are just spectacularly inefficient converters of their feed into our food.

And you've actually made some dietary changes in your life because of this.

Yeah.

You actually live it.

Well, you know, as any vegan will tell you, veganism is the best diet.

Right.

And

Thank you.

Thank you.

I am not a vegan.

I knew that was coming, but I left.

Yeah, I mean, look, you know, you all find the level of hypocrisy that you're comfortable with.

But I have cut out beef and lamb

because cattle are really the problem.

And so dairy is...

Dairy is bad.

It's even worse than chicken and pork.

But cattle make, you know, they make milk several times a day.

They make beef like once in their life.

Right.

And

so

beef is about 10 times worse than chicken

or pork from a climate perspective.

Talk about some of the, you mentioned this a lot in the book, these alternative protein sources.

I mean, when Beyond Meat came out years ago, the stock price was $250 a share.

I looked it up today.

It's two.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Talk a little bit about how you tackled that in the book.

You know, it's funny.

I started my reporting in 2019 at the Good Food Institute Conference, which is kind of the convening for all the different kinds of fake meats and fake milts, everybody who's trying to replace animal agriculture.

And it was right after Beyond went public, and the exuberance was just off the charts.

There were kind of serious conversations about whether we're going to get rid of the entire $1.5 trillion meat industry in 10 or 15 years.

My joke was that I thought I was going to accidentally raise a Series A round in the drinks line.

Right, right.

Right.

And then I actually, near the end of my reporting, I went back to the Good Food Institute in 2023 and of course by then you know the entire boom had busted and it was all doom and gloom and you know what were we even thinking taking on this incredibly entrenched industry and my feeling is that you know the sort of the peak of inflated expectations was excessive and now the trough of disillusionment is excessive.

That this is a very exciting technology.

Right now it's only 90% as good as meat and

it costs a little bit more.

So So if you're not writing a book about food and the climate, there's not really a good reason to buy it.

So it hasn't done so well in the marketplace.

But the cow is a pretty mature technology and the stuff isn't.

Well, one thing that's great in the book is there are optimistic moments.

And you talk about how, hey, the Impossible Burger or Beyond Meat, it's a lot better than the vegan hockey puck of 20 years ago.

So we have room to improve.

What are some of the other solutions?

Yeah, I mean, look, I mean, I do think that, you know, 20 years ago when I started writing about energy and climate, there were no alternatives to fossil fuels.

And right now we're in the midst of this clean energy revolution.

And it's just sort of a question of when.

Now,

food and land, we're sort of 20 years behind.

We're at that place where everybody's upset about all the progress that...

Donald Trump is rolling back for clean energy.

Well, for clean food, we don't really have any progress to roll back.

Nothing has gotten traction.

But I've seen all kinds of exciting solutions, not just the fake meats, but I've seen alternative fertilizers where they gene-edit microbes to snatch nitrogen out of the air and feed it to crops.

Or alternative pesticides where they use the technology, the mRNA stuff behind the COVID vaccines to literally constipate potato beetles to death.

It's incredible.

At the University of Illinois, they are literally reinventing photosynthesis, which has done like a pretty decent job maintaining life on Earth for a few billion years.

But it turns out it's really inefficient.

And they are using artificial intelligence,

gene editing, big data to essentially engineer out the inefficiencies.

And they think they can increase yields 50%.

They take agriculture very seriously at the University of Illinois.

It's my alma mater.

They

put the library underground.

because they didn't want to bulldoze their experimental plot of corn.

Exactly.

Well, the Moro plots.

So yeah, grass-fed beef.

Yeah.

I buy my eggs from a small farm.

I get my dairy from the farmer's market.

I buy grass-fed beef.

I'm a hero, yes?

Oh, Michael, I'm

sorry, but

it's great.

Eating local is fine.

And knowing your farmer, that's wonderful.

But what really matters from a climate and environmental perspective is sort of what you're eating and how it's grown,

how efficiently it's grown, right?

We're on track to deforest another dozen Californias worth of land by 2050.

And grass-fed beef, for one thing, it's beef.

So it's, you know, it's already a huge climate and land use problem.

But it's actually worse than

factory-farmed beef because, you know, first of all, it's like less efficient, but it's also, it takes them longer to get to slaughter weight.

So they're alive.

to burp and fart methane for longer.

And we're going to have to be more efficient.

See, you said fart, they laughed.

We're going going to have to be.

And this is somewhat controversial.

We actually have to be more efficient with the land we use for the calories that we make.

That's right.

We're going to have to make more food with less land and fewer emissions, right?

Because if you're making less food per acre, you're going to need more acres to make food.

And that just means more deforestation, more wetland destruction.

I think people think, you know, because Michael Pollan's a really great writer, and, you know, and we've all seen that, you know, we want to treat our soil with love and the, you know, these farms where the animals have names instead of numbers, that this is kind of good farming, and that the real environmental disaster was when we intensified it and sort of drenched it in chemicals and

started treating animals badly.

And there are a lot of bad things about these and about industrial agriculture: the way they treat animals, the way they treat humans,

they use too many antibiotics, their politics usually suck.

But look, factories are really good at manufacturing lots of stuff.

And the real environmental disaster was the transformation of nature into those nice Michael Pollen farms.

That's when we lost the biodiversity.

That's when we lost the carbon.

And so we are going to need high-yield agriculture.

And it doesn't mean it has to be factory farms, but if we have factory farms, we'd like to have them do it with less mess.

And if we're going to have the nice organic farms, they're going to have to make more food per acre.

And we need more food coming up.

We need lots more food.

You know a couple years ago I was alone in the woods of Pennsylvania and I ate some mushrooms and

I found myself

tripping

touching these trees, feeling the trees.

And it felt so powerful and it felt so magical.

And I was literally like, holy shit, a f ⁇ ing tree, man.

They're amazing.

For years, I was like, I was just tripping.

But I read your book and I'm going, no, I wasn't tripping.

I was right.

Trees are the answer to all this shit, right?

It's true.

Trees are the answer.

I mean,

trees are good, man.

What if we, instead of

bulldozing the forests, what if we just put the cows in the trees?

I mean, you know, they are putting more trees in pastures, and that's great.

You can actually see the carbon.

It's above the ground.

You know, it's great.

I mean, maybe we need to grow more mushrooms, too.

Yeah, maybe.

Your first book.

Your first book, The Swamp, explores how Florida became Florida and how man controlled water.

And I love your book.

It's changed the way I've looked at our country and the state of Florida and water quality.

What's one thing you can share with me, with all of us, that we can learn about water quality in this country?

What we should know about water in our rivers and lakes.

Well, it's funny.

I mean, I know this is literally talking my book, but the problem is agriculture.

And it was, I didn't really think about it, but with the Everglades, I wrote about the sugar industry, which was, you know, using so much water and also

polluting so much water.

And that's what you see around the country.

The reason the aquifers under California are parched are because of the agriculture on top of it.

The reason the Colorado River is running dry is because they're growing alfalfa next to it and using a lot lot of water to feed livestock.

The reason there's a dead zone the

size of Connecticut and the Gulf of Mexico is because of fertilizer

running off farms in the Mississippi Valley.

The reason there's toxic algae blooms in so many lakes is because agricultural runoff of overfertilizing.

Right.

It's an agricultural problem.

And look, we need agriculture because we got to eat.

And we haven't come up with a better way to do it.

And we should appreciate that our farmers, they do hard work.

The 0.5% of us who farm make it possible for the other 99.5% of us to have cool shows and write books about the problems with agriculture and be doctors and influencers.

You did a great job talking about because of farmers, we get to do these other cool jobs.

That's right.

And so we are appreciative and thankful, but maybe there's a better way to do it.

Exactly.

I mean, look, they also, you know, we give them a lot of money and

we don't have a lot of environmental regulations for them.

And I think, you know, a lot of them, they think correctly that they care a lot about their land.

They think of themselves as good stewards of their lands.

But we have to have a kind of more grown-up relationship with them where we say, like, yeah, sure,

your heart land values are great, but collectively you're stewarding a mess.

And we want you to make even more food and we'll help you,

but you're going to have to do it with less mess.

And hopefully we can help with that too.

The book's amazing.

Everyone should read it.

We Are Eating the Earth is available now.

Michael Grunwald, we'll take a quick break.

We'll be right back after that.

We talk forever with you.

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That's our show for tonight.

Now here it is, Yamama and Zend.

The video from October 2024 shown during a congressional hearing today on unexplained anomalous phenomena.

That's the official name for UFOs.

Do you solemnly swear?

Several service members giving their own eyewitness accounts and reacting to that new video.

Does this video scare you guys?

Yes or no?

Yes.

Wiggins?

Yes.

Yes.

Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching The Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts.

Watch the Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Fairmount Plus.

This has been a Comedy Central podcast.

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Today, we're exploring deep in the North American wilderness among nature's wildest plants, animals, and...

cows?

Uh, you're actually on an Organic Valley dairy farm where nutritious, delicious organic food gets its start.

But there's so much nature.

Exactly.

Organic Valley small family farms protect protect the land and the plants and animals that call it home.

Extraordinary.

Sure is.

Organic Valley, protecting where your food comes from.

Learn more about their delicious dairy at ov.coop.