TDS Time Machine | Everything Trump Has Banned

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Speaker 4 You're listening to Comedy Central.

Speaker 6 Even after he got back to the White House, he just kept signing.

Speaker 7 I mean, this guy was so in the zone, he didn't even know what he was signing.

Speaker 8 Withdrawing from

Speaker 9 withdrawing from the World Health Organization.

Speaker 5 He's withdrawing from the World Health Organization like he's hearing the dessert options.

Speaker 11 No, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 7 I'll have the Tiramisu and potential measles outbreak with that.

Speaker 7 I mean, if you could put anything in front of him yesterday, he would have signed it. Melania, now's a chance to update the prenup.

Speaker 6 Go, go, go, go.

Speaker 6 But you know.

Speaker 12 But you know what? I'm not going to be shitting on President Trump, okay?

Speaker 5 Okay, sure, he pulled out of the WHO, but like, who are those guys?

Speaker 5 What are the odds there's ever going to be a pandemic requiring global cooperation? So, I'm going to go to President Trump with an open mind.

Speaker 13 You know, he won the election, which means he's a great guy who's right.

Speaker 12 So, I'm sure his executive orders are reasonable.

Speaker 14 Trump pulled the U.S. out of the Paris Climate Accords.

Speaker 6 Okay, okay, look, he, I know that sounds bad for these woke liberals, but like, does it really matter?

Speaker 13 You know, one year we're in, next year we're out.

Speaker 5 We've been doing the hokey-pokey of these guys for like 12 years.

Speaker 13 They didn't even put us in a group chat anymore, okay?

Speaker 13 Also, news flash, Paris Accord, yo, we're not gonna reach the emission goals anyway, okay?

Speaker 11 This world is over.

Speaker 10 And Trump is gonna try, through executive order, to end birthright citizenship. It's a constitutional right that those born on American soil are U.S.

Speaker 10 citizens, regardless of their parents' immigration status.

Speaker 12 Okay, okay, that does sound like a major change. Birthright citizenship has been in the Constitution for over 100 years.

Speaker 13 But, on the other hand, should you just be a U.S.

Speaker 12 citizen just because you were born here? I mean, I think all citizens should have to prove that they're truly American by taking a quiz on American history and failing it.

Speaker 12 Okay?

Speaker 5 If your score is above 60, you're going back to Asia or whatever shithole country has educational standards.

Speaker 12 It sounds like there's a campaign Trump that says things to win, and then there's a President Trump who rules more moderately.

Speaker 15 Overnight, with the stroke of a pen, President Trump issuing sweeping pardons to nearly all of the rioters charged for their actions on January 6th.

Speaker 17 So this is January 6th.

Speaker 15 Trump even granting clemency to the more than 600 people charged with assaulting or resisting law enforcement.

Speaker 5 Okay, look, freeing violent criminals from prison seems less moderate and more like something Bain did, okay?

Speaker 13 But you know what? If you know your history in that situation, Batman fixed it.

Speaker 5 Okay, so

Speaker 12 concerns are overblown.

Speaker 12 And look, these guys have been in prison for like two whole months already.

Speaker 6 Okay.

Speaker 6 I'm sure they've learned their lesson.

Speaker 19 Jacob Chancellor, we know him as also the QAnon shaman, he put out something on social media where he said, I got a pardon, baby. Thank you, President Trump.

Speaker 19 Now I'm going to buy some mother effing guns.

Speaker 7 See, he learned his lesson.

Speaker 12 On Monday, he wiped out all federal DEI programs. And yesterday, he ordered that if anyone, anyone, if you see anyone trying to be inclusive, you better tell teacher.

Speaker 20 The Trump administration asking federal workers to snitch on their coworkers in a rollback of diversity, equity, and inclusion programs.

Speaker 21 Employees have been told to report any colleagues who work in diversity, equity, and inclusion roles, or they could face consequences.

Speaker 21 NBC News obtained emails sent to multiple agencies that say some of these programs are disguised using coded or imprecise language.

Speaker 13 Yeah, you hear that?

Speaker 12 Don't even think about doing DEI in secret, right? Don't be meeting up in back alleys like, yo, yo, you guys need lesbian resumes for me today?

Speaker 12 And I know you think DI was only invented in 2020 by Democrats looking for a fresh new way to lose elections, but Donald Trump is dedicated to rooting out DEI all throughout history.

Speaker 10 One of the president's executive orders revokes an executive order signed by President Lyndon Johnson in 1965 that the Trump administration says mandated affirmative action.

Speaker 12 That's right. Donald Trump went back in time to kill baby DEI.
It's kind of impressive that he got this much focus.

Speaker 12 Trump is doing deep dives into these obscure old policies like he's MAGA John Oliver.

Speaker 3 And look,

Speaker 12 I'm not going to pretend to know more about civil rights law than Donald Trump. I mean, he's been sued over it many times.

Speaker 5 But

Speaker 12 if a discrimination law has been around since 1965, it might be a load-bearing civil rights thing, so maybe don't touch it.

Speaker 23 Coach, the energy out there felt different. What changed for the team today?

Speaker 24 It was the new game day scratchers from the California Lottery.

Speaker 11 Play is everything.

Speaker 24 Those games sent the team's energy through the roof.

Speaker 23 Are you saying it was the off-field play that made the difference on the field?

Speaker 24 Hey, a little play makes your day, and today it made the game. That's all for now.

Speaker 11 Coach, one more question.

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Speaker 11 A little play can make your day.

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Speaker 4 Donald Trump was busy getting our military in shape so he can finally fulfill our country's month-old dream of conquering Greenland. And first, we're going to need to have as many troops as possible.

Speaker 26 President Trump has signed several executive orders to reshape the military, including a directive banning transgender service members.

Speaker 4 Okay, did I say as many troops?

Speaker 8 I mean fewer troops, right?

Speaker 4 You know what they say in the Army, less is more.

Speaker 11 Look,

Speaker 4 maybe they don't say that. I don't know, but that's.

Speaker 4 Look, I don't have a problem with transgender soldiers.

Speaker 4 As someone who pees himself anytime he hears a loud noise, I think we should be grateful to anyone who's willing to put their life on the line so I don't have to.

Speaker 26 But hey, yeah,

Speaker 26 okay.

Speaker 4 But I'm open-minded about being closed-minded, so what's the issue here?

Speaker 27 President Trump signed an executive order calling transgender people unfit to serve.

Speaker 28 One part says being transgender is quote not consistent with the humility and selflessness required of a service member.

Speaker 27 Another says being trans conflicts with quote an honorable, truthful, and disciplined lifestyle, even in one's personal life.

Speaker 4 Yeah, well, look, you know, it makes sense that the military has to be honorable, truthful, and disciplined.

Speaker 26 You know, sure,

Speaker 16 this is your Secretary of Defense, but

Speaker 26 that's all the more reason.

Speaker 29 That's all the more reason that the rest of them have to have their shit together.

Speaker 4 It's like how every Beatles album had to be packed with hits to make up for that one song that Ringo wrote about wanting to f ⁇ an octopus or whatever.

Speaker 5 I got to say, the military sure has a lot of ethical rules for their mission of killing people.

Speaker 5 Hey, you want to blow some guys' head off?

Speaker 13 You better say please and thank you.

Speaker 4 But to be fair, Trump had another argument against trans soldiers as well.

Speaker 22 They specifically cite readiness with transition surgeries.

Speaker 22 If you have a transition surgery, the recovery time and the narcotics that you have to be on as part of the process could affect your readiness for up to 12 months.

Speaker 26 Oh, up to 12 months.

Speaker 4 Do you know how long our wars last?

Speaker 4 I think they'll have you back in 10, back in the game in no time. Vietnam War, 11 years.
Afghanistan War, 20 years. Even our storage wars last 15 seasons.

Speaker 4 First of all, transgender people make up 0.1% of the military.

Speaker 4 So, Commander-in-Chief, you're ruining the lives of people who are dedicated to serving America while doing nothing to affect the larger military.

Speaker 4 I don't see why a transition surgery should affect readiness more than any other surgery. Trump is acting like they're doing transition surgeries on the front lines.

Speaker 2 Medic!

Speaker 31 I need a medic over here. We got to get this guy a labia.

Speaker 5 Stat!

Speaker 4 also what do you mean readiness modern war is just telling a drone to drop bombs pretty sure it doesn't matter what your sex is to go like this

Speaker 4 that's how they drop bombs

Speaker 8 when Trump ran for president he had an urgent message about the state of our country Our country is being lost.

Speaker 17 We're a failing nation. We are a nation in decline.
We have to fight for our country and we have to fight like we've never fought before. It's like we're a giant garbage can.

Speaker 17 How dare you?

Speaker 31 If anything, America is a recycling bin.

Speaker 30 Useless and made almost entirely of plastic.

Speaker 11 But that's it.

Speaker 30 We have to fight to save our country.

Speaker 8 And now daddy's home and he's about to take out the trash.

Speaker 8 And two weeks into the Trump presidency, we have a better sense of the evil and powerful forces that have been dragging our once great nation into decline.

Speaker 33 The Trump administration removed transgender references from federal government websites. It now reads LGBT instead of LGBT.

Speaker 8 They have no idea the damage T was doing to our nation.

Speaker 32 Consonants!

Speaker 30 Because I think you'll agree with me, there is no T in USA.

Speaker 31 If you spell it out, obviously that becomes an issue.

Speaker 31 And if you want a BLT for lunch, it just can get ugly.

Speaker 30 But

Speaker 11 nothing will stop America's low tea, like no tea.

Speaker 31 What other changes are making us great again?

Speaker 34 The Trump administration ordering all gender ideology references be removed, including pronouns and email signatures.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 32 Consonants and pronouns.

Speaker 11 Your next prepositions?

Speaker 30 No more pronouns and email signatures.

Speaker 8 Good luck signing your emails now, President She.

Speaker 8 Or should I say, President him?

Speaker 14 Donald Trump has already moved on because he's basically the norovirus.

Speaker 14 Every day he spews executive orders all over the place, and while we struggle to clean up all the puke, he comes out the other end with something even worse.

Speaker 14 He tried to buy out the entire workforce of the CIA. His DOJ is going after anyone who's investigated him, and now he has defeated America's biggest threat.

Speaker 15 At the White House today, President Trump's signing an executive order banning transgender women and girls from competing in women's sports.

Speaker 17 With this executive order, the war on women's sports is over.

Speaker 17 We're putting every school receiving taxpayer dollars on notice that if you let men take over women's sports teams or invade your locker rooms, you will be investigated for violations of Title IX and risk your federal funding.

Speaker 14 You notice how he paused right before invade your locker rooms? Like, maybe we won't make that illegal. Should have proofread this.

Speaker 14 Look, it's bad enough that he's banned trans women from sports, but spare us the performance of pretending that this is a top issue for women in this country.

Speaker 14 Maybe start with, with, I don't know, reproductive rights or pay inequality.

Speaker 14 Or why it's 2025 and still none of my clothes have pockets.

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Speaker 31 Everything Trump does is all part of making America great again. Order one!

Speaker 30 Roll back everything from the previous not great administration. Regulations on the environment, regulations on the Second Amendment, the Title IX guidance, and not just the big shit.

Speaker 8 You want to make America great again, you can't skimp on the details.

Speaker 37 President Trump says he's going to reverse Joe Biden's mandate to phase out plastic straws, saying, Enjoy your next drink without a straw that disgustingly dissolves in your mouth.

Speaker 3 You.

Speaker 32 Okay, he's right on this one.

Speaker 32 He is right on this one.

Speaker 11 Those straws are f ⁇ ing terrible.

Speaker 30 Objectively terrible. I'm supposed to have some weird tissue paper dissolve in my mouth just because turtles can't figure out straws aren't food?

Speaker 32 No.

Speaker 32 Don't eat the tubes, you stupid turtles.

Speaker 8 So Trump is making America great again by taking us back to 2016.

Speaker 9 The Trump administration is actively trying to purge the federal government of so-called woke initiatives. Government agencies have flagged hundreds of words to limit or avoid.

Speaker 9 Words like DEI, BIPOC, anti-racism, Latinx, Native American, black, women. Seemingly random words like expression, at risk, political, and even mental health and sex.

Speaker 9 What's left?

Speaker 30 BIPOC and Latinx, I get that.

Speaker 30 You're not allowed to say sex.

Speaker 32 You can't say words like women or sex

Speaker 31 or hashtag me too.

Speaker 11 How can a lot of your cabinet members describe their weekends?

Speaker 30 You know, you can't protest in a way that

Speaker 8 you can't protest in a way that offends the right. You can't teach things that the right doesn't want you to teach.
You can't read things that they don't want you to read.

Speaker 8 You can't use words that they don't want you to use, but they love free speech.

Speaker 8 I guess fear not.

Speaker 3 At least we'll always have art.

Speaker 18 President Trump demanding a painting of him be removed because he finds it unflattering.

Speaker 31 He's demanding they take it down because he believes this picture is unflattering.

Speaker 11 Which really makes you think, do you think other pictures of you are flattering?

Speaker 11 At least in the painting, they blended the foundation into your hair.

Speaker 30 But painting is out.

Speaker 14 But what got the most attention wasn't what Donald Trump said, but how much the troops enjoyed it.

Speaker 38 President Trump's rally-style speech yesterday at Fort Bragg in North Carolina. He had active duty troops booing the media, booing his political opponents.

Speaker 17 You think this crowd would have showed up for Biden? I don't think so.

Speaker 17 I don't think so. I don't think so.
I mean, fake news, ladies and gentlemen, look at them. Look at them all.
Oh, yeah,

Speaker 17 what I have to put up with. Fake news.

Speaker 17 What I have to put up with in Los Angeles, the governor of California, the mayor

Speaker 17 of Los Angeles.

Speaker 14 Oof, those booze are very upsetting. And not just because they remind me of my fifth grade talent show.

Speaker 14 And looking back, I probably shouldn't have performed the entirety of Eddie Murphy's Raw.

Speaker 14 I gotta say, I gotta say, this is not a good look for the military. The military is supposed to be apolitical.

Speaker 10 That graphic is still off.

Speaker 10 I'm sorry. Oh,

Speaker 14 I gotta say, I gotta say, this is not a good look for the military. The military is supposed to be apolitical.
They don't serve Democrats or Republicans.

Speaker 14 They protect all of us, even Jill Stein voters, for some reason.

Speaker 14 But maybe the reason these troops seem so MAGA is because the non-Trumpers didn't want to be there.

Speaker 39 According to Military.com, memos from Fort Bragg reveal a tightly orchestrated effort to curate the optics of Trump's recent visit, including hand-picking soldiers for the audience based on political leanings.

Speaker 39 Other rules for troops appearing on camera included no fat soldiers.

Speaker 14 Wow, that really sums up the two principles of Donald Trump, doesn't it? Number one, total loyalty. Number two, no fatties.

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